Dance Moms: The ALDC Returns To Pittsburgh And Immediately Splits In Half. It’s The Great Dance Mom Divide.

March 4th, 2015

amm

 

 

I know this crazy old lady is not trying to photobomb my selfie now that I got my hair just right.

 

 

hm1

 

 

Excuuuse me, Jill. Gawd forbid anyone else get to rock a cold shoulder top up in here, Hater.

 

 

cs

 

 

 

Bitch, pleez.

 

 

kcs

 

 

 

 

Nice try, ladies. But we have a winner.

 

mj

 

 

 

 

Hold still, Bow Bow. It’s gonna take me about five coats to cover up all these Hello Kitty tattoos.

k1

 

 

 

 

Talk s*** about my kid again and I’ll drop your credit score so low you’ll never get a loan.*

 

nia

 

 

 

You see this Side Eye, sweetie? It’s called My Single Just Dropped On iTunes Side Eye.

 

 

 

(* Allegedly, of course…)

They say you can’t go home again.

That’s what they say, you know.  There’s even a country song about it.

But they’re wrong.  Because you can.  And the Dance Moms gang just did.

After a less than stellar showing during their recent cross country Brady Bunch road trip (…where, if I’m not mistaken, the original plan was for Abby Lee Miller to build an ALDC LA high-rise and takeover the West Coast Dance World, right?…) everyone was suddenly back home in Pennsylvania to regroup and get their shizzle together.

Don’t get me wrong.  It wasn’t a complete disaster in Hollywood.  But it’s not like the mayor of Pittsburgh gave them a Superbowl parade when they returned, either.

They won a few.  And lost a few.  And then lost a few more.

Let’s just say they brought back more Rodeo Drive cold shoulder tops than trophies.

Seriously.  Was it just me or was every single person on this show exposing their shoulders this week?  It literally gave me anxiety that I had missed a memo or something.

And shout-out to Kira for taking top prize with that white triple-cut cheese grater number, even though I feel the need to point out that I paid less for a 3pack of long-sleeved GAP tees that got snagged in the washing machine and came out looking exactly like that top.

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But we love KG.  Even if Bank of America doesn’t.

Ouch.  Too soon?

Disclaimer:  They’ll be a lot of credit fraud jokes this week.  All in good fun, of course.  And all alleged, until proven otherwise by the courts or some disgruntled Arizona Dance Mom.

My girl Sasha Nia and Mom Holly were the first to arrive back at the studio, accompanied by their own dramatic Survivor background music.  I see what you did there, Lifetime.

Dr. Beyoncé was on Abby’s short list this week, along with Kira and whacky JoJo‘s even whackier Mom Jessalynn, thanks in part to their participation in the now infamously squeaky clean MattyB music video.  Somewhere along the line, while attempting to teach their daughters a lesson in honoring commitments and actually reading what you are signing before you sign it, they had fallen out of Abby’s good graces.  Go figure.

To make matters even worse, Holly was also still dealing with unresolved issues surrounding Nia’s recording studio work with Aubrey O’Day while the team was in Hollywood.  Abby didn’t appreciate the fact that Holly had reached out to Aubrey and gotten Nia a pretty sweet deal on a new iTunes song that you can easily download right here if you have some cash laying around.

And while we’re on the subject, I didn’t appreciate the fact that I’m still the only one who doesn’t have Aubrey O’Day loaded into their speed dial, because I would totally be hitting that lady up on my Sidekick every day of the week until somehow actually came to my job and physically handed me a restraining order. kv

Anyway.  I digress.

Back to Pittsburgh.  And back to the Pyramid of Shame, where there were clearly more hidden photos than there were girls in the room.  Could it be?  Could Abby have finally received my headshots?

Not gonna lie.  I may have set myself up for disappointment.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Feather Vests and Fur Coats. It was a good week.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was all about Maddie, JoJo, Nia and Kalani, with Kendall and MackZ just above them on the Middle Tier.  And then Maddie was on the top.

Wait.  What?  There are two Maddies now?  This show is crazy pants.

False alarm. There’s only one.  Abby just stuck the same Maddie up there a second time because she couldn’t find the new TV Guide cover with Austin & Ally on it.

Because…you know.  Go, Maddie.  And Disney.

This week the gang was headed to the World-Class Talent Experience in Manahawkin, NJ.  No idea where that town is…and no idea why some competitions consider 12 year olds to be teenagers when the word ‘teen’ is not even in the number.

But this one does for some reason.  And now, according to my calculations, that meant Nia and Kalani just skewed (…and screwed, according to Abby…) the average age of the ALDC and the girls would have to perform in the Teen Category.jj

Now I get it…but I don’t get it, because unless she’s going to actually attempt to stunt their growth through cigarettes and liquor, all those girls will eventually grow up and not be allowed to compete in the Junior Pee Wee Division anymore.

That’s why the call it Growing Up.  And personally, I’m not sure I even want to see some 67 year old woman with a bad hip doing backflips in a bumble bee costume.

So come on.  Time marches on, people.

Kalani, Kendall and Nia all scored solos.  Kendall’s was a sassy, bluesy mini-Liza with a Z jazz number, while Kalani and Nia’s dances were basically just musical bitch slaps across their own Mom’s faces.

Abby does like her subliminal messages.

Kalani’s solo was called “Pretty Little Liars” because “Sorry Lady But Your Maxxed Out Credit Card With The Three Digit Security Code Scratched Off And Missing Signature Is No Good Here” was too long for the space they give you in the printed program.

Trust me.  Abby is gonna make certain this whole (…alleged, of course…) credit fraud thing dies a slow, painful death.  Like when someone steals your purse and all your credit cards and you have to go renew your license in person at the DMV.

That slow.kn1

You could already tell that Nia’s “The Golden Rule” number didn’t stand a chance, but I wasn’t too worried since you still buy her hot new iTunes single right here if you skimmed the first part of this hilarity and missed the link.

The group routine, ominously entitled “The Domino Effect,” was exactly what it sounded like:  Pizza delivered in 30 minutes or less.

I know, right?  Tell me that wouldn’t have been HIGH-sterical.

Unfortunately, tho, it was about real dominos.  Like the game.  With each one falling and tragically taking down the one next to it and then that one taking down the next one…etc.

Just like the Moms were doing to each other.

Trust me.  It was much more dramatic the way Abby explained it.  Much more.

Tick.  Tick.  And then Boom.

I could totally picture the guy who does Darth Vader‘s voice emotionally performing that little bit of script in some One Man Show.  Not a dry eye in the place.  Bravo!

As the girls began stretching it out downstairs and the Moms began punching it out upstairs, Lifetime decided to traumatize us all by running that damn Born In The Wild commercial again.  The Baby in the Forest thing.

Blur it out all you want, guys.  I still saw it.

So we can keep this thing moving, the gist of the remaining 45 minutes was Holly trying to make the other Moms in the MomPerch understand why she felt so unsupported in all of the decisions she made in Hollywood.  Jill didn’t agree.  At all.hf

Melissa, on the other hand,  just sat there putting on hand lotion.  She does that a lot.

And in an oddly Bizarro World/Opposite Land kind of moment, Jessalynn made the most sense out of anyone in the building.  I swear.

Freaky.

All the Moms will go to the end of the Earth for their kids, but they clearly all have a different route programmed into their internal GPS to get them there.  And it drives Holly Ka-Ray-Zee.  All in Caps.

Basically, the whole thing quickly escalated into The Video Moms vs. The Submissive Moms, which sounds way more like a WWE Grudge Match or pay-per-view hotel porn then I originally intended it to sound now that I proofread the sentence.

But you get my drift.

Holly felt that the Moms who skipped out on the MattyB video were just butt kissing Abby’s newly slenderized badonkadonk.  Jill claimed that she had Holly’s back.  Holly felt she did not.  Personally, I just liked the way My MomCrush Jill’s feather vest flapped all around when she got excited.  It was like Sesame Street Live on Ice.

Which we should totally go see on our first date.

Side note:  Do you think there’s a person in Lifetime’s post-production department whose only job is to find those awesome screen shots of Melissa looking all flustered and then edit them into every scene?

Because somebody has to be doing this.  And I want that job so bad.mz

She always looks like she left the iron on at home or something.  I love her so much.

And then Holly got up and left, probably because she knew they were about to run that Born In The Wild commercial for a second time.  Take me with you.  Please.

With one day to go before New Jersey, Holly returned, explaining that she had just needed to step away from all the madness yesterday for a Moment of Clarity.  Which, coincidentally enough,  just happens to be the name of her recently published book.

Which you can certainly buy right here if you have any babysitting money left over after downloading Nia’s new song right here.

Say what you want about them Frazier Girls…they know how to pimp it out.

Side note:  You’ll have to tell me how Nia’s song is, because I’m saving all my cash for some new HollyHair, which should be available just in time for Holiday gift giving.

Love me them Frazier Girls.

Then the Moms had the same discussion they had the day before, but this time all in casual Back to School denim.  Every one of them.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Did I mention that Abby cut Kalani from the group number?  Because she did.  Now the girls could dance in the Toddler Division again.  And cutting Kira’s kid was a lot cheaper than buying cigarettes and liquor in another state.  New Jersey sales tax is ridiculous.

Third Degree Burn Of The Day Award Goes To:  Abby Lee Miller.

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Kira: “The group routine is Kalani’s favorite dance.”  Abby:  “Good.  She can watch it.”

Yeeouch.  That’s gonna leave a mark.

Backstage, Abby scooted all the girls out of the room to scope out the venue, which gave all the Moms time to go another round or two.  Kira didn’t feel it was necessary for her to confront Abby about cutting Kalani from the number, mainly because she was still too busy applying Neosporin to all that raw skin.

She couldn’t believe Jill wanted her to fight with Abby so badly.  Jill couldn’t believe that Holly and Bizarro Jessalynn were suddenly BFFs.  And I couldn’t believe how much crap was in that makeshift green room.  Did you notice?

There was a calendar on every wall and enough Post-its and ‘stage manager’ placards to label every theater on 42nd Street.  That place was a fire trap.  And you know how I’m all about Safety First.

Well.  Drama First.  Safety Second.

Maybe Third, if you count Sarcasm.  And being Snarky.

So, yeah.  Fourth.  Safety is always Fourth.

Side note:  Abby wasn’t wearing any of her crazy a** plastic jewelry or her usual matchy matchy goodness.  None of it.

JoJo even stood quietly in the corner doing her practice spins while Jessalynn pointed out that “Mom trumps Manager no matter what.”  And then the Earth spun off its axis.

It truly was Bizarro World this week.

Kalani’s solo was amazeballs.  Abby said she was flawless.

od

Kendall was totally mini-Liza.  I called it.

And then Nia hit the stage and Abby didn’t even watch.

Disclaimer:  In Abby’s defense (…did that sentence even just come out of my mouth?…) Abby immediately took to Twitter and blamed it on editing.  I don’t think it would be the same person who does all of Melissa’s blank stares, so maybe they have somebody in charge of that one, too.  Who knows.  Keep in mind this show is also the show that thinks a 12 year old is a teenager.  Which they’re not.

Because they’re like Tweens.  Duh.  OMG.  Buh-tween this and that.  Der.

I forgot to mention that Abby phutzed around on her cellphone the entire time Nia practiced her solo during the week, so it’s not like she would even know what she was looking at anyway.  So whatever.

Side note:  Did that crazy chick behind Kira have a One Direction iPhone case?  Or was that 5SOS?  Or some new Boy Band du jour?  I can’t even tell the difference anymore.

Side note Numero Dos:  Please tell me that wasn’t Rush Limbaugh behind Abby.

Backstage after the solos, the girls all got their groove on listening to Nia’s new song, which you can totally buy right here.

Side note Numero Tres:  No.  I’m not getting a cut in any iTunes profits.  But I’m also not mailing back any checks that Holly wants to send me.  Haters gonna hate.

mzg

By the time the girls were ready for the group number, we got to see some greasy lady have a baby on a pile of sticky oak leaves for the third time.  Enough with this commercial.

Honestly, at this point I would rather have Freddie Krueger chase me through the backwoods with a chainsaw than come across all that jelly one more time.  Just saying.

The Domino Effect was pretty slick AND was delivered in under 30 minutes, so I guess it was a Win/Win for everyone involved.

Kendall took Fifth Place with her solo.  Kalani swiped her First Place trophy out of the judge’s hands faster than Kira can swipe a Visa through an ATM slot.

(That joke comes with an implied “allegedly, of course…” it just didn’t go with the flow.)

Poor Sasha Nia didn’t even place.  But…you know.  iTunes, suckahs.

Most importantly, the group routine scored First Place and it looked like the ALDC might be getting their mojo back.  Kalani got to dress up in costume and go accept the award with the girls who actually danced the dance, even though Nia and JoJo had previously been banned from doing the exact same thing.

What happened to No Dancey=No Trophy?

Kira swore at Jill.  Jill swore at Kira.  And then it was over.

Time to drop a few babies in the woods.

For a full hour.

What’d you think of that new show, Kira?

k

Bring It!: There’s No Stopping Kayla When The Dolls Head To Alabama. Beam Me Up For The Captain’s Solo.

March 1st, 2015

kj

 

 

Let’s keep it 100. It’d be hella easier to do CrossFit if Mama’s hair didn’t make me hungry for Wendy’s.

 

 

twtf

 

 

Really? We’re still using the same old tired a** weave joke two seasons later? You wanna do this?

 

 

d

 

 

I’m a Sonic Girl myself, but there ain’t nothing wrong with a little Wendy’s after practice. Truth.

 

 

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My Anaconda…

 

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I really don’t have anything to say right now. I just need a moment or two to process all this.

 

s

 

 

 

I get ants in my pants every time they find someone crazier than me. Thank you, Jesus!

 

fab

 

 

 

 

FYI: F.D.I Bitches.

 

 

 

 

Disclaimer:

Before we even get started.

That will be my last Wendy’s joke.  Ever.

I promised Tina.  And you know she’s my girl.  She gave me one last Get Outta Jail card, but it’s time to move on now.  Especially this week, when it wouldn’t hurt any of us to put down that greasy bag of fast food and focus on some exercise and a healthy lifestyle.

Dat’s rite, people.  It’s time to Spit That Out and Dance.

Which I totally thought was the name of this week’s Bring It! destination until I watched the episode a second time and realized that Dianna Williams and her Dancing Dolls were actually headed to the Shut Up and Dance Competition in Mobile, AL.

My bad.

Regardless, the event was a big dealio for the Dolls.  They had done really well the last time they attended that franchise, but now that the team was in the midst of their World Domination/A** Kicking Tour it was going to be even more important that they slam it hard when they arrive in ‘bama.

Miss D didn’t waste any time laying out the deets for the girls in the Dollhouse.

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This week the Dolls would be going up against the AllStarz In Motion, the Dynamic Dancing DivasImages of Sophistication, the Diamondettes and the Girls Who Need To Get Off Their Damn Instagram Right Now And Google The Word Spellcheck.

Out of all the teams the Dolls would be facing, the Diamondettes were probably their biggest competition.  Never having gone up against them before, the Diamondettes were well known not only for their clean, creative technical skills but also for just generally being bad a**.  So the pressure was on.

Especially for Kayla, who would be performing in three routines this week:  Field Show, Stand Battle and a Captain’s Solo.  Lawd, I was getting tired just thinking about it.

As the girls got down to bidnezz inside, the maternal members of the team were all out on the sidewalk doing what they do best.  Especially newbie Tawantza, who was still thirsty enough for her 15 minutes that she decided to show the rest of us that her baby girl ZaTia definitely gets it from her Mama.  Hypothetically, at least.

Yeah.  She went there.  And there.  And then she went way over there somewhere.

MmmHmm.  Snap.

Hopefully you were able to cover the kids’ eyes in time before Tawantza started backing dat thang up like she was unloading freight at a Walmart loading dock.

Toot Toot.  Hey.  Beep Beep.

Something about watching all them Bad Girl moves through the window all these weeks finally made Tawantza snap and she started slapping her thighs like you do when you get a charlie horse after too many hours in the car.  And don’t even get me started on them Ugg Boots, because you know how I feel about those cartoon shoes.

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You also know I love me some certifiably crazy Tawantza.  You know I love all these Mamas, even though none of them seem to be able to convince Lifetime to stretch this show into two hours every week.  Still…mad love.

But…sorry.  Watching your baby through a window and then suddenly thinking you’re a dancer is right up there with me watching the Discovery Channel and thinking I can go up on the Space Shuttle next Thursday.

Trust me, Boo.  It ain’t gonna happen.  Wanting to be an astronaut and actually BEING an astronaut are two completely different things that I had to learn the hard way.  Sometimes the truth just hurts.

Luckily, everyone’s Mom of the Year Mimi broke it down into easily digestible bites.

Get it.  Get it girl.  You got it.  You don’t got it.  You never had it.  You need to keep the tags on it and return it.  ASAP.

Toot Toot.  Beep Beep.  Hooty Who.

(Srsly.  If they don’t start letting boys into that Team Mimi/Team Tina Poking Parent Workshop this summer Imma gon’ snatch some Wendy’s braids and cut the line.)

Disclaimer Numero Dos:  THAT was my last Wendy’s joke.  I swear.  It was just too easy.

PS.  Mimi knows how to tell it like it is.  Too bad she can’t tell Seloncé‘s twins apart.

While Tawantza was outside picking up all the dollah dollah bills, yo from her strip mall dance, the Dolls were still inside working on their Field Show choreography.

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The most physically grueling of all the routines, the Field Show required ridiculously high endurance and energy that was On Fleek at all times.  A reality that did not go unnoticed by either Kayla and Miss D, who both finally addressed an issue that had been clogging up the internet for weeks.

Kayla had gained a few pounds.  Maybe ten.

But she’s still my girl’s girl.  Don’t you worry ’bout dat.  And I blocked all the haters from talking smack on my Twitter feed.  So there’s that, too.

Part of the charm of Bring It! has always been how Dianna’s passion drove her to create an environment where girls can learn the importance of high self-esteem, education and determination regardless of shape or size.

All girls are welcome at the Dollhouse.  Really.  Big girls, little girls, thick girls, skinny girls, tall girls, short girls (…shout out to the white girl, tho we might still need to work on that demographic a little, Miss D…) and every other girl from rare to al dente to well done.

So it’s not just Kayla’s weight gain that’s a concern for Dianna.  She wants Tina’s baby girl to be as healthy as possible when she moves on from the Dancing Dolls and starts working towards building her own dreams.

And Kayla knew it, which was already half the battle.  Granted, she comes from hearty, big boned-ed stock (…which is a word that she made up on the spot that I plan to insert into as many conversations as possible going forward…) but she also knew that in order to keep on dancing and choreographing after graduation, she would need to cut back on the 99 cent Jr. Cheeseburgers…even though, realistically, you can’t even make them yourself for that price.  I mean…99 cents?

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Seriously?  How do they do that?  It’s like trans-fat retail magic.

And I love me some Kayla, but she does need to stop rubbing her belly.  Did you see that?

It was like when I used to draw Sharpie smiley faces on my gut and then make my tummy talk.  A true crowd pleaser when you’re at Scooby Doo sleepovers, but nobody seemed to appreciate the hilarity by the time I was a senior in high school.

Worst.  Prom.  Ever.

Just a word of advice from Uncle Dan, that’s all.  No Sharpies on dress-up day.

As Miss D took Kayla outside for some cone drills and a 200 mile run, we took a more leisurely trip to Mobile, AL to check in on the Diamondettes.

And their coaches Angel and Jevontae, who were so busy giving me Hashtag: LIFE that I don’t know how they got anything else done.

And let’s just get this one out of the way now, because I can read your mind from here.

Maybe it’s my sordid Dance Moms history or whoknowswhat, but I can never wrap my head around these choreographers who don’t…umm…actually choreograph with their dancers.  Like they just stand there in their XXXL t-shirts (…tho, full disclosure, Bonus Points were given for that fierce “FDI” Competition Day ensemble…) and shout out dance terminology like they’re on Jeopardy.

They don’t move their hands, even when they talk.  Did anyone else notice that?

Even in their interview confessional shots, Angel and Jevontae (…which I assume is French for, I dunno…Jevontay, I guess…) stood completely motionless while still somehow managing to be totally fabulous.  It was awesome.

Try it.  I can’t do it.  The No-Hands part, I mean.  I got the Fabulous down, thank you.

c

And their team was jacked.

Like GNC Gold Card Day supplement jacked.

Dang.

Squat jumps.  Crunches.

Double Dang with a protein shake chaser.

By the time the Diamondettes did 400 plyometric box jumps with 30 second interval breaks for some alternating one-handed pushups and kettle bell swings, I needed to hydrate and hit the showers.

Back at the Dollhouse, Miss D revealed the final headcount for the competition.  All three of Seloncé’s dance troupe made the cut (…quick, Mimi–what are their names?…) but the only thing that really mattered after all the clipboard drama was that somewhere in that building there’s a girl named Chicken Little.

I know, right?  Chicken Little.

Make.  This.  Show.  Be.  Three.  Hours.

Finally, it was Showtime!

The Diamondettes prepared for battle by doing 45 minute wall-sits followed by military rope climbs up and over the roof of the auditorium while Jevontae zapped them with police tasers before putting yellow bow ties around the necks of those who survived.

Jacked, I tell you.  Jacked.

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Backstage, Tawantza snuck in to give ZaTia a pep talk.  She wanted her baby to get all Beyoncé, Ciara, Aaliyah and Miss Jackson If You’re Nasty on stage and show Dianna that her baby ain’t no Baby Doll no mo’.

MmmHmm.  Snap.

ZaTia just stood there motionless.

MmmHmm.  Stop.  I mean it.  Stop.

I also think ZaTia said her Mama was ‘SkrongMinded,’ but I can’t be sure, because whenever Tawantza starts talking I lose all grip on what’s real and what’s make believe.

Out in the auditorium, Mimi, Tina, Seloncé and it’s Rittany bitch were all in their seats.

Kinda.  Seloncé was having a rough time sitting still since all three of her babies were going to be part of the Field Show and was flailing her arms around like she was on that log ride at Disneyland that splashes into the water at the bottom of the track.  Ants in her pants, I believe she called it.

That little girl’s face sitting next to her, tho.

I just hope Lifetime is picking up the bill for all the psycho-therapy that little nugget is gonna need when she finally stops repressing the memories of what really happened that night she sat next to Sunjai‘s Mama in Mobile.

The Field Show was off the chart for both the Dolls and Diamondettes.  Being Hometown Favorites, the Mobile team got bigger screams right out of the gate, but (…Spoiler Alert…) never say never.

Kayla started slowing down about halfway through the Field routine and Dianna got a little nervous.  But she also knew that KJ always came through in the end.

rtrt

Side note:  Srsly.  How big was that backstage makeup room?

Eat your heart out, Abby Lee Miller.

The Diamondettes Coach’s Solo was great.  She was on fi-yah.  So much so that her entire team had to come out at the end, hose her down and then carry her off on their shoulders.

Note to self:  Always exit a room like that from now on.

And then Kayla hit the stage for her turn.  And whatever corner wasn’t already charred or smoking got burned down.

To the ground, yo.

Clearly, that was 10 extra pounds of rocket fuel that Kayla had been storing in those tanks all these weeks, because…dang.  She didn’t even need a smiley face on her belly to make the audience scream.

Tina cried.  Rittany testified to the Lord of the Dance.  Seloncé terrorized that little girl next to her again.  And then Mimi went all Mimi on the place.

Yaaaassss!  Kayla put some thug on it.

By the time the Dolls and Diamondettes returned for the Stand Battle, my whole neighborhood was out on the streets.  It was crazy.

Both teams brought it to the floor, but the Dolls final chair dance routine just destroyed the auditorium.

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Especially when Dianna’s girls all crossed their legs in those chairs, one by one like Jackson City Rockettes, all the way down the line.  Boom.  Boom.  And Pow.

Until they got to Mimi’s pride and joy Camryn at the very end, that is, who did a slo-mo IfYouGirlsLeaveNowYou’llBeatTraffic high kick into a leg cross thing that, for the second time this season, caused someone at the APAC Performing Arts School to just pack up his desk and go home before he even got a pink slip on Monday.

Pssst:  You can file the Harris application under “Y” for YOUR LOSS, suckahs.

And then it was over.

The Dolls came in Second Place (…First Loser…) for the Field Show.  Which is bad on Dance Moms, but good on Bring It! because trophies don’t define the girls.

Kayla swiped First Place for her solo (…srsly…how big were some of those damn trophies?  Holy Toddlers & Tiaras, Batman…) while the Dolls took First in Stand Battle.  I hope somebody had a sunroof to bring all that stash back to Mississippi.

As always, everyone learned some valuable lessons about self esteem and portion control.  Kayla went home to have a salad (…with Doritos and maybe some cheese dip.  A girl’s still gotta live…) while the twins went home to make name tags in the hopes that one day Mimi might stop calling them Thing 1 and Thing 2 from the Dr. Seuss book.

Oh.  And the last we knew, Tawantza was still out in the parking lot somewhere.

Dropping it like it’s hot.

Because.  You know.

DD4L!

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Dance Moms: It’s The Wild Wild West Coast, Part Two. Time For The ALDC To Say Buh Bye To Hollywood.

February 25th, 2015

t1

 

 

Trust me, girlfriend. You do not want me to get all gangsta on your a** and start Googling s***!

 

 

k1

 

 

Keep it up, Bitch and I’ll max out your credit cards so fast they’ll never let you back in Target.

 

 

jv

 

 

 

Wait. What?

 

 

n

 

 

 

I said Sasha got this under control. I just need to know where my three backup dancers be at…

 

 

mj

 

 

Really. What if my face sticks like this and then I can never close my mouth again? Arrested?

 

 

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I’ve never actually watched this show before. Have these ladies always been this crazy? Shoot.

 

 

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No. Srsly, Barbie. She’s not turning around until you stuff those things back in your dress.

 

 

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Help, Ethel! This loaf of bread is almost as long as one of JoJo’s stories! Waaah!

 

 

 

Turn Up The Track, yo.

And then maybe dial down the Mama Drama a bit if you could.

Cuz that would be great.  Saying goodbye is hard enough without all this screaming and swearing going on in the background.  Especially all the swearing.

That’s just nasty.  And with the kids still in the room.

But that’s exactly what happened this week when the Dance Moms started packing up all their leotards, cold shoulder tops and dreams of stardom and got ready to bid adieu to California and head back to the Reality they call Pittsburgh.

Say Goodbye to Hollywood, e’rrybody.  Part Deux.

As you’ll recall, when we last saw our heroes and heroines (…same Bat Time, same Bat S*** Crazy Channel…) they were all in the midst of filming MattyB‘s Whitest Boy To Ever Rap In A 1950s Doo Wop Diner music video.

(True Fact:  That was the actual working title before someone decided to cut it down to “Turn Up The Track” so it wouldn’t eat up so many characters on Twitter.)

The More You Know, kids.

The girls were still dressed in their pink waitress uniforms.  MattyB’s hair was still perfect and he still had his feet on the same diner counter where people eat their dinner.

(Relax.  The little squirt is so squeaky clean that it’s probably impossible for germs to even adhere to his body.  It’s MattyB’s World, you know.  We just live in it.)

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And most importantly, Abby Lee Miller was still freaking out that Melissa had signed away Mackenzie‘s college tuition by allowing her daughter to perform in the video without top billing and a backstage rider of dressing room demands.

Because Mackenzie isn’t Mackenzie anymore, you know.  She’s pop star MackZ.

The biggest pop star in the universe, apparently.  At least that was the impression Abby gave everyone as she tried to get MattyB’s DaddyB to void the contract and give MackZ a trailer stocked with room temperature Perrier and a bowl of hand-sorted green M&Ms.

Because she’s a pop star now.  Just like Lady Gaga.  Which I guess explains why Lady Gaga is making the switch to Tony Bennet swing standards and Sound of Music medleys.

Clearly there isn’t room at the top of the charts for more than one Diva.  I’d sleep with one eye open if I were you, Mariah.  

Abby threatened to pull MackZ.  And then she threatened to pull Maddie, who wasn’t even legit in the video to start with, BTW.  But she’s all Famous Amos now, too.

Side note for all the Maddie Fans out there:  You might as well leave now and beat traffic, because for the second week in a row your girl didn’t do anything for an entire episode except stand there wearing red lip stick.  I swear.  Phoned it in again.

With two Zieglers out of the picture, the whole thing quickly escalated into a heated discussion on integrity, character and honoring your commitments.  The rest of the girls and their Moms had all agreed to help out MattyB (…whose freakin’ social media hits probably jumped from One Billion to Two Billions at some point during the arguing just because they kept saying his damn name…) and they weren’t walking off the job.

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That’s why they call it Honoring Your Commitments.  Duh.

Except for my MomCrush Jill, who sided with Melissa and Abby and pulled Kendall from the video as well.  She’s still my MomCrush, tho.  And honestly, at this point I’m more concerned that she was overlooked again for Season 20 of Dancing With The Stars.

Oh.  And I lied.  Maddie did have one line.  She told her Mom that she had just ruined the whole day.  Normally, I don’t condone mouthing off to your Mama for any reason, but it was subtitled like Honey Boo Boo Child and that always makes me laugh.

Just don’t make a habit of it, sweetie.

Sarah R (…who is now just plain Sarah…) stayed for the video shoot, along with Nia, Brynn and JoJo.  The New Moms stood united with Holly.

Spoiler Alert:  Get the kids out of the room before Brynn’s Mom Ashlee puts on her spanx and pink micro dress at the competition.  Trust me.  Just do it.

The next day, Holly and Nia shared a Mother/Daughter Moment in the Enterprise rental as they drove to the studio.  Dr. Beyoncé knew that they would catch some attitude from Abby after participating in MattyB’s video, but it was important that Nia learn the importance of holding your head high and sticking to what you believe is right.

Which I guess is more important than the fact that you just parked in a spot clearly designated for customers of the local dry cleaner.

Seriously.  Did anyone else see that?  Now you know I love me some Holly.  L to the O to the V to the E.  But how did she miss that giant yellow cement thing that had ‘cleaners’ stenciled on it?  Was it just me?  It’s not like it was raining and she just got her hair did.

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Because then it would be ok.  Cuz, you know…you just got your hair did.

Inside, Abby definitely copped some ‘tude with Holly and the rest of the video Moms.  But Holly wasn’t engaging in negativity today.  She just scratched her nose like you used to do in grade school when you wanted to flip somebody off but pretended to just scratch your nose.  Again…L to the O to the V to the E.

I’m quite enjoying this protective, rebellious Holly.  The new and improved 2015 model.

Then it was actually back to the ‘Dance’ part of Dance Moms.

MackZ and JoJo rehearsed their I Love Lucy routine.  MackZ seemed to have her act together, considering that she was in two group routines and a duet this week.  But she’s a pop star now, you know, so…

JoJo on the other hand, was straight up Lucy Ricardo, bumping into things and going in the wrong direction like she was coming down the stairs in a giant showgirl headpiece or something.  (Remember that episode?  Hilarious.)  JoJo clearly had some ‘splaining to do by the time Gianna and her big choreographer’s scarf came over to fix that hot mess.

Abby told JoJo to make sure she checked out TV Land so she might better understand the whole Lucy phenom, but the little tyke had already had done so and proved it by reciting (…in its entirety…word for word…for word…) the episode when Lucy and Ethel baked that gigantic loaf of bread.

And the bread kept expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.  And the bread pushed her all the way to the other side of the kitchen.  And then it kept expanding.  And then it kept expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.

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And my bow is so tight I don’t even know where I am right now.

Abby’s face, tho.

Kalani and Sarah were up next with their Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding Olympic smackdown duet.  If you’ve forgotten the actual attack video, or are too young to even know what I’m talking about, you totally need to Google it right now.

Because it’s a youtube classic.

And it’s also exactly how I act every Monday morning when I realize that the weekend is over and I really have to go back to work.

Picture it.  Me.  Laying on the floor.  Snacks everywhere.  Crying.  Whyyyy?  Whyyyy?

Somewhere around this point was also when Kira and Tracey began their descent into madness.  They hate each other.  Like OMG totes hate each other.  And they can fling mud like two hungry pigs in the back of a barnyard once you poke ‘em.

Side note:  It’s probably too late to get the kids out of the room on such short notice, so I apologize for what just happened.  I had no idea that Kira was going to show up wearing skintight pleather leggings and hooker stilettos.  Because she did.

I also had no idea that she was now part of whatever musical touring company that is that does the show where the ladies all wear fishnets or pleather leggings and top hats and sit backwards on bar chairs.

Kira just cracks me up.  We like her a whole bunch, even though sometimes she tries too hard to be the new Kristie Ray.  Which.  Is.  Impossible.

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(Shout out to Asia‘s Mom.  Miss you.  Muah!)

Tracey got nasty and blurted out that Kira doesn’t even have custody of her own son, which was somehow supposed to relate to Kalani’s place on the ALDC.  Somehow.

Boom went the dynamite.

Don’t you DARE bring Jax (…the son…) into this!  Don’t you DARE bring Jax into this!

One.  Not cool, Tracey.  Not cool at all.  Family is off limits.  Especially kids.

Two.  If you don’t want your son brought into the argument, you probably shouldn’t keep saying his name 50 times like you were ’bout to cut a bitch on VH1.

And then the bread kept expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.

Finally, it was Showtime.  And Ashlee’s pink dress time.  When did this show go all 3D?

You might wanna hike the top of that thing up a little honey, because it looks like you’re running with scissors.  And with kids in the room, I tell you.

As the girls got into their respective duet costumes, Holly pulled up a front row seat for the Tracey and Kira Floor Show as the two ladies completely lost their noodles backstage.

You wanna go there?  You don’t wanna go there.  Back and forth.  Back and forth.  The bread kept expanding and expanding until Tracey suddenly went from Bake Sale Mom to Bad Girls Club and got all OhNoYouDin’t with a finger wave and one of those MmmHmm head circles and two snaps in a Z formation screaming about Kira’s arrest record.

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Wait.  What?

Everyone started Googling police reports and TMZ videos and Smoking Gun mug shot pics on their cell phones and screaming about how Kira had a prior arrest for credit card fraud.  No way.  Yes way.  Arrested.  Credit card fraud.  No way.  Yes way.

And then Jill’s gum fell out of her mouth.

You really need to watch that scene a few times, paying special attention to Jill’s mouth and Holly’s entire HollyFace.

Holly doesn’t smoke (…and you shouldn’t either, kids…) but if she did you know she would’ve put her MattyB feet right up on that makeup table, lit up a Virginia Slim and watched the two of them go at it like it was the freakin’ Superbowl.

 L to the O…etc…

I don’t even remember how the argument ended, but it was probably when someone realized that the kids needed to be on stage five minutes ago and everyone scooted to their seats in the auditorium.

Arrested?  Close your mouth, Jill.  You’re catching flies.

Nancy and Tonya beat each other up on stage to the delight of everyone in the audience, with no real goobers or debilitating metal batons in the routine.

Lucy and Ethel started out ok, but then their music shut off.  Again.  Right in the middle of their dance.  Seriously?  Can somebody please teach Abby how to properly burn a CD or tell the judges to stop stepping on the iPod cords under the table every week?

How does this keep happening?

Backstage after all that silent movie drama, Abby asked JoJo’s Mom Jessalynn if she had even noticed that her daughter was facing backwards through most of the choreography.

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She had not.  Which Abby couldn’t believe, given the fact that Jessalynn is a dance teacher.  I don’t remember if I even knew that or not, but I certainly reacted like I had never heard it before.  Jessalynn?  Dancing?

And just so we’re clear:  Abby doesn’t tolerate mistakes, even though 92% of the CDs she hands in for competitions are 100% blank.

Go figure.

The Sad Clown group number was up next.  This is the routine that my MomCrush felt got all of Abby’s attention this week, even though most of the participants were not legal tender ALDC members.  She felt that the original team was neglected.

I felt that the buttons on the clown costumes looked like those candy dots you peel off wax paper.  But super-sized.  Which would be awesome.

And then Nia hit the stage with her backup dancers.  Because that’s exactly what happened.  Miss Thang owned that numbah.

Voulez Vous Coucher Avec Moi, Ce Soir.

Yaaaaaaasss, hunty!  Give me Moulin Rouge Face!  Yaaaaaaasss!  Yaaaaaaasss!

I know, right?  If everyone from Grey’s Anatomy can can cross over to other hospital shows, I don’t understand why Sasha Nia isn’t Death Dropping on Bring It! right now.

Why isn’t this a thing yet?  Lawd, my girl can Buck.

As Kira (…allegedly…) filled out a couple online applications for new black Amex Cards, the awards were handed out.  And that’s when it just got ugly.

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Lucy and Ethel only pulled a Fourth Place.  Some random team snagged First Place with a routine entitled ‘Thrift Shop, which I was bummed we didn’t get to see since I really like that song.

If you check the score sheets and do the math, that meant that Nancy and Tonya didn’t even place.  Because violence is never the answer, kids.

In the group category, (un)lucky Fourth Place again went to the ALDC for their Sad Clowns.  Despite the fact that the emcee was exceptionally excited and highly caffeinated, the Moulin Rouge number didn’t even place.  Nothing.  Nada.

That’s two no-shows in one competition, if you’re counting.

Backstage, everything went exactly as you’d expect it to go when the ALDC doesn’t win.

Hint:  Not good.

Abby realized that the girls were not ready to compete in Hollywood yet.  They needed to go back to Pittsburgh and regroup.  But not everyone.

I got a little concerned at first when Abby made it sound like anyone not going back to PA was going to be left in the lobby to die, but it wasn’t quite as dramatic as that.

Unfortunately, Sarah and her Mom were suddenly too old for the team and were sent home.  It was sad to see them go, especially since poor Sarah still had that pouty clown face thing happening, but it was also awkwardly hilarious the way Abby made them immediately grab their suitcases and exit the building like she was Donald Trump kicking Vivica Fox off Celebrity Apprentice.

Girl, bye.

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I’m pretty sure the two of them either got into a waiting yellow cab for their exit interview or just took off in Holly’s rental which you know was probably parked in a handicap spot.

Kidding.  Kidding.  We heart Holly.  And she would never do that.  That’s so wrong.

The rest of the girls made cuts by the skin of their teeth.  They were safe.

For now, anyway.

Despite the drama, the girls still learned a valuable lesson about integrity and commitment and how doing what’s right is a better reward than some shiny trophy.

Remember that.

As the splintered ALDC team gathered up all their toys and got ready to go home, Abby left all the remaining Moms with one piece of advice:  Don’t do to your kids what Christi did to hers.  Which was a little odd, considering that Chloe is making a name for herself at another studio now, traveling the world and rapidly gaining on MattyB’s Three Billion social media hits.  It’s not like she’s panhandling in front of Dunkin Donuts somewhere.

So it’s back to Pittsburgh now.

See you there, suckahs.

PS…Don’t forget Nia’s new song comes out next Tuesday.

If you’re looking for more backup dancers, you know where to find me, Boo.

Love you.  Mean it.

Buy bye, Hollywood.

xoxo

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