Bring It! Season Finale: It Ain’t Over Until The DD4L Lady Bucks. The Last Dance Competition Brings The Heat.

September 27th, 2014

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When you’re done putting all that Thug In It, would ya mind putting some Back Into It and moving that couch for me?

 

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Is that the pretty one that everyone keeps saying is so crazy?

 

 

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We’re in the middle of practice and a damn couch goes flying by the front window. I swear.

 

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You slap on pink lip gloss and put your arms up like this…My Anaconda Don’t. My Anaconda Don’t.

 

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Like this? Like this? Am I doing it right? Hooty Hooty Hoo. Shooby Doobie Doo. Boo Damn Hoo…

 

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Seriously. What language is that?

 

 

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Don’tchoo worry. Mama got dis.

 

 

 

 

Girrrrl, pleez.

Gimme a minute.  I think I’m in denial.

There’s no way the first full season of Bring It! is over already.  That ain’t right.

So wrong.  But unfortunately, so true.  The season finale just happened.

The Dancing Dolls went to Clarksville, MS to Bring The Heat.  And they brought it.

Brought it all and then left it there because it was too hot to pick up and put back on the bus by the time they were done.  Yeeouch.

The moves.  The passion.  The hunger.  The intensity.  Hell, they even brought a gigantic music video floor sticker with them, which they probably didn’t need to pack since their DD4L initials were clearly burned into the floorboards by the time they left the auditorium.

What a year those Dancing Dolls have had, huh?

Let’s be honest.  Up until about 20 episodes ago, unless you lived within their southern orbit or stumbled upon some youtube videos while Googling ‘Cats Wearing Hats Playing The Piano,’ you probably had never even heard of Dianna “Miss D” Williams and the Jackson, MS Dollhouse Dance Factory.

You poor thang.  What an empty life you must have led.

Flash forward about 6 months or so…and Boom.  Bam.  And Pow.d2

Overnight Sensations.  That’s how you do, mmkay?

So now it was the last competition of the season in Clarksville and over at the Dollhouse, Miss D was getting right down to bidnez because this one was gonna be a big deal.

For the first time this season, they would be coming face to face with one of their biggest rivals, the Divas of Olive Branch.  The same Divas who had robbed the Dolls of a First Place trophy at last year’s Battle Royale and ignited a firestorm of controversy earlier in the season over a questionably inappropriate Stand Battle routine that involved a squad of young girls not putting their legs together very much.

You remember that one, right?  The one that Coach Neva McGruder said was supposed to be a moving tribute to America’s love for puppetry, but from my couch looked more like Pinocchio‘s sister trying to make it rain up in here to pay for college.

Let’s just say that Miss D and Neva probably don’t exchange Christmas greeting cards.

At this week’s competition, the Dolls would only be competing in the Stand Battle category.

Dianna would handle the rest, y’all.

Dat’s rite.  This week there was a Coach category, where each director would have to set down their freakin’ cell phones for once and put their money where their booty is to help score points for the team.

Along with the previously mentioned DoOB, the Dolls would also be up against their other top rivals the Prancing Tigerettes, the brand new never heard of before Dazzlin Starz and the Girls Who Bump Into You While They’re Obliviously Texting Smiley Face Emojis And Slurping Starbucks And Yet Somehow Think It’s Your Fault.m

One…it’s not my fault.  And Two…you’re a bitch.

As the girls got to rehearsing their Stands, the Mamas were all outside on the sidewalk getting equally as aggressive.  And equally as sweaty.  Or maybe even more so.

It was the Tina vs. Seloncé SmackDownaPalooza: Part 20.

I’m not even sure how it really started.  Innocently enough, I’m sure.  The blow ups between my two girls always begin innocently enough.  But then something always happens that makes me feel like a missed a crucial 5 second snippet of video that would actually explain why gloves are suddenly coming on and hair is coming off.

Love these Mamas, BTW.  Love.  And make this show two hours.

Let’s get that part over with early again.

As the Mamas all came to the realization that this was the final competition of the season and that Sunjai and Kayla were rapidly approaching their final year as Dolls, Tina announced that Kayla had just signed up for a college tour.  Her first one.  How exciting.

Innocent enough, right?  I thought so, too.  At least until Seloncé (…Hashtag: Flawless…) pointed out that Tina should have already been on that bus a few months ago.

Uh oh.

Somehow the whole thing quickly escalated into Tina assuming that Seloncé was judging her as a parent.  Which she wasn’t.  Which Tina didn’t need (…even though, one mo’ time, she wasn’t…) because 18, 262 people had already judged her parenting skills since she became pregnant with Kayla at 15 years old, thank you very much.

(Bonus Points for keeping track of all the haters over the years, Tina.  I don’t even remember how many people dumped me in high school, though it’s probably around the same number if you include three years of Summer Camp.)st

But haters gonna hate.  And you don’t need ‘em.

Tina lost her noodle.

Seloncé did all the hand choreography from Single Ladies again that she does whenever they fight.  Tina was all like GetOutMyFace.  Seloncé was all like I’mNotInYoFace.  Tina did that LawdDon’tLetMeWhoopThisBitch two fists up in the air thing she always does right before she pops off on Seloncé.

Hall Monitor Mimi started working up some pretty sweet cartoon MimiFaces and knew she’d have to activate Peace Maker Mode pretty soon.

Side note:  I’m starting to think that It’s Rittany Bitch knows how to sleep with her eyes open.  She’s always perfectly calm and just leans back on the wall watching the show like she just scored a deal on floor seats from that sketchy Stub Hub ticket joint.

Love these Mamas.  So nice I said it twice.

And then…

You know the Incredible Hulk, right?  From The Avengers movie and all that?

Did you know that in the comic books there’s actually a RED one, too?

I know, right?  Shut up.  A red Incredible Hulk.

Just a little something that flashed into my mind as Tina flipped over the couch that JJ had worked so hard at delivering last week.  I mean flipped.  And then pushed across the cement like she was getting paid to plow snow in a Walmart parking lot.

Tina Strong.  Tina Smash.

As the Red One stormed down the strip mall sidewalk tipping over cars and snapping off fire hydrants, Mimi scooted after her like any friend would do.

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Because they’re friends.  And family.  And it always comes back to that.  They don’t shout it from the rooftops or put it on a shirt (…though Gawd knows they could, since they wear a new DD4L iron-on transfer every damn week…) but they’re tight.  Family Tight.

They may have your weave in one hand, but they got your back with the other.

Tina had taken Seloncé’s comments out of context and let years of other people’s judgements cloud her own.  It happens.  But where you start out and where you end up can be two different paths.  And Tina has proven that to be true after all this time.  Her baby turned out just fine.  And she loves her baby.  And her baby loves her.  So there.

Tina just needed Mimi to help her put it all back into perspective.

Not gonna lie.  The whole thing gave me some Feels.  Fuzzy ones.

Tina apologized and they all hugged it out.  All four of them.

And I totally wanted in on that DDP Sandwich.

Back inside, as sectional furniture was flying around the parking lot, Dianna was losing her own noodle on the girls.  Rehearsal wasn’t going too well.  Miss D was so stressed out about breaking a hip during her Coach Dance that she had zero patience for any mistakes that the team was making in the Stand routines.

She was turked up.  Which is different than twerked up.  Or turnt up.  Google it.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Neva time!  And Quincy time!  And Helenor time!

Wait.  What?  Who?

Helenor was the Coach for the Dazzlin Starz, which nobody still seemed to know, even though they showed up with plenty of people in yellow tee shirts.

Well, they know ‘em now.

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My boy Quincy Oliver had added at least one busload of girls to the Prancing Tigerettes roster since we last saw him, as did Neva, which brought her own Divas of Olive Branch headcount to about 85 sparkly onesies.

Neva brought along one of those paper fans that Kenya Moore kept snapping in everyone’s face during the Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion Show a few months ago.  I guess Neva is also Gone With The Wind Fabulous now, which won’t make any sense at all to you if you don’t watch Bravo.

Quincy brought along some new quasi-Eddie Munster hair, which may or may not have actually been growing out of his own head.  I say that because someone tweeted out a youtube How-To on attaching that little wiglet he was (…allegedly, or maybe not…) wearing and since everyone knows my complete lack of knowledge on the subject matter, I’m gonna weave…I mean leave…this discussion for another day.

Side note:  Anyone notice that I’ve gone almost two whole recaps without using the words ‘Shower’ and ‘Cap?’   See?  I’m trying.  I really am.  Death threats will do that.

The Coach Battles were pretty low key until Dianna hit the stage.  A skinny guy danced around with such abandon that I thought maybe the Director’s Lounge had offered up an Open Bar for the first two hours.  There was also a tear-away costume change into a really hard split.  Not by him, tho.  If it hurt that much just to watch it, I can’t imagine what it felt like to actually do it on a basketball court.

Then Dianna rolled out onto the floor.  Literally.  Rolled.  Out.

JJ, Calvin and Terrell (…DDDs in the house, yo!…) rolled her out on some kind of freakin’ Mardi Gras float that looked like a cross between one of the Microsoft screen icons and a Macy’s Holiday Window.

F’realz.  Somebody in the audience even yelled ‘Show me your t**s and throw me some beads’ which was hilariously inappropriate at the time.

Lawd, Miss D.  That bitch was rolled out and turnt up now.

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The crowd went nuts.  Dianna dropped her splits like they were hot, did that Statue of Liberty thing from last week and even busted out a Death Drop that would make RuPaul and Nia Frazier so proud.

(Shout out to Dance Moms!)

Srsly.  I need to find somebody to start wheeling me around town on that thing, cuz…

Dang, girl.

After Miss D finished up and the building pumped enough pure oxygen back into the auditorium to revive the audience, the Dazzlin Starz faced off against the Divas of Olive Branch in the first Stand Battle.

Side note:  Props to Seloncé for working a glue gun like a Boss and making those individual fuzzy boa signs for all the Mamas.  Looks like she learned her lesson after that whole Balloongate fiasco.  Martha Stewart would give her the finger, but I give her two thumbs up.

Then the Dolls went up against the Prancing Tigerettes.

That PT lipstick, tho.

And then…wha–?  The DoOB and the PTs got sent packing.  They lost their individual battles.  Neva wasn’t happy.  At all.  Quincy wasn’t happy.  At all.

Even Dianna wasn’t very happy, because she had hoped to finally even the score with the Divas of Olive Branch and show those stinky puppets a thing or two.  But that would have to wait for another day now.

That also meant that the final Stand Battle would be the Dancing Dolls going up against whoever those Dazzlin Starz girls were.  (Remember my name now, suckahs?)

It was on.  And the Starz held their own, I gotz to say.  They kept up and gave as good as they got.  Almost.

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The Dancing Dolls are da bomb.  And they won.  They regained their title as Numero Uno and everyone went bazoinkers.  I even dumped by soda when I jumped up to do the Official DDP Happy Dance with Tina.

(Full disclosure:  I may, or may not, dance in front of my TV screen during moments of #FatGirlShuffle weakness and pretend that Kayla’s Mama and I are at the club getting buck.  Don’t you judge me.)

Dianna won First Place.  The Dolls won First Place.  Everyone went spaz.

Miss D couldn’t believe how the girls had taken the initiative to practice and learn the Stands after such wobbly practices.  She was surprised.  But then not really surprised.

The Mamas had all raised some amazing daughters that were growing into some amazing young adults.  That whole hard-working, positive self-esteeming, academic-achieving thing that Dianna always preaches seemed to be working.

And then it was over.  For the entire season.  But they’ll be back before you know it.

Next week, actually.  For a two hour special!

Not gonna lie.  When the announcer said ‘Get ready to go on tour with the Dolls’ I started packing my gym bag with all my fringed spandex and delicates until I realized that it was only a commercial and not an actual invitation for a seat on the bus.  (I call ShotGun next to Tina if Lifetime ever changes their mind, though.  Can you even imagine that road trip?)

The Dancing Dolls have proven all the haters wrong.

Which is something that haters really hate.

Say it with me.  And Taelar.

DD4L!

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Dance Moms: Time To Bring Down The Lights And Break Up The Fights. It’s The Annual ALDC Dance Concert.

September 25th, 2014

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Haters gonna hate. Once I steal that big ol’ diamond, I’m set for life with these sparkly headbands.

 

 

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I swear if you don’t let it go and stop wearing animal prints, I’m gonna have a stroke.

 

 

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Wait. What?

 

 

 

Let It Go

 

 

 

You heard me.

 

 

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Check it out, bro. The blonde one gave me 20 bucks and Kelly Hyland’s phone number.

 

 

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No lie. I swear she opened her mouth and Pinnocchio jumped out just like in the cartoon.

 

 

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Just wondering why someone’s all up in my personal space while I’m getting my hair did, that’s all.

 

 

 

Ladies and Gentlemen.

Please take your seats.  The show is about to begin.

For tonight’s sold-out performance of the All-Dancing, All-Singing, All-Screaming Annual ALDC Dance Concert we ask that you refrain from bringing food and beverages into the auditorium.  Realizing of course, that if there was ever a Dance Moms week when you needed a stiff drink it’s this one, you are more than welcome to slam it hard in the lobby and one of our ushers will do their best to get you back to your seat in one piece.

So if you’re ready…Light the Lights.  Fight the Fights.

On with the Show, this is it.

That’s right.  It was Dance Concert Week down at the ALDC.  One last opportunity to try and recall all the dances you learned in under 48 hours this season and prove that you deserve a spot at Nationals.  Because…you know…I hear that Nationals are coming.

But not before the Pyramid of Shame, they’re not.

As Abby Lee Miller got down to business, it was clear that she was changing up the game one more time.  I’m starting to think that she likes doing that.

First clue: Kamryn Beck was back in the dancer lineup!

America’s favorite overachiever (…rockin’ one of her signature Olivia Newton-John Let’s Get Physical headbands, of course…) had returned and was patiently awaiting this week’s assignments while doing polynomial long division in her head to kill time.

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Second clue:  Christ-y (…with a very loud ‘Y’…) was also in the studio.  Again.

Seriously.  How does this lady keep getting back in the building?  Abby tosses her out every week and then as soon as the opening credits finish rolling seven days later…there she is again with sunglasses on her head just looking for a rumble.

Remember the beginning of The Flintstone’s cartoon when Fred throws the saber tooth tiger out the front door for the night and it jumps right back in through the window?

I swear it’s like that with this woman.

Except for maybe the actual jumping through the window part.  I’m thinking that it’s probably more of a clunky, hoisting-up type of maneuver that involves standing on milk crates or tiny Sarah‘s jiggly bow head right before one last running push.

But you get the idea.

Never say never, though.  Stranger things have probably happened in the maternal pursuit of The Dance.

Bottom of the Pyramid was reserved for Chloe and MackZ.  Chloe had missed a day of rehearsals for a scheduled MRI on that mystery foot ailment and MackZ had momentarily reverted back to the old MackenzieBoo Cutie Patootie Days during the group dance and forgotten to look up at the audience the entire time.

Kendall and Maddie made up the Pyramid Mezzanine.  Kendall had let another teammate beat her in the competition (…because apparently there’s something in the rules now that no longer allows everyone to get First Place at the same time anymore…) and Maddie, as awesome as Abby keeps saying she is…just wasn’t Nia.

Because Nia was on top!!!  #InternationalYearOfTheNia.  Hashtag that, yo.

Maya Oh Maya!!  It was Nia!!  And the crowd went wild.

(Insert Proud HollyFace here: ____________________.)

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Clearly, that’s not one of them.  But it’s a funny one.

Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout Willis?  We totally heart Dr. Beyoncé.

This week, on top of  rehashing all the old routines, the girls would also be performing a new group number called “The Heist.”  I love when everyone oohs and aahs and applauds right away even though they have no idea what the routine involves yet.

Because they did that again.  Oooh.  Heist.

This year, the Dance Concert would be a tribute to Abby’s Mom, Maryen Lorraine Miller.

(Insert Sad Flashbacks here: ____________________.)

Because that’s what they did.  And they were.  We miss you, Mrs. Miller.

Since this was all part of the Road to YouKnowWhat, each girl would also be performing a 45 second solo of their choosing at the concert, that would most likely determine their fate at Nationals.

I know, right?  45 seconds?  No pressure there whatsoever .

But Abby didn’t want to see the dances until the actual performance.  That way she could snark on all the girls without having any preconceived notions of what needed improvement.

Did I forget to mention that little Sarah was standing off to the side, at the maximum allowed separated distance of 2 feet from her Mom, while all this was going on?  Because she was.  And you could tell that she was already having trouble taking full breaths.

I feel so bad for that little peanut.  I was kind of hoping she would just cry and get it over with early, but that never happened.

As the girls all got down to rehearsing their individual and group routines, Christi tossed something to Chloe right before she left the studio.  Did you see that?  Right at her like it was batting practice or something.

What was that?  Car keys?  (She’s not old enough to drive yet, right?)  Cell phone?

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With all the grief that poor kid takes for her bum foot and sleepy eye, the last thing she needs is someone throwing things at her head.  Seriously.

We love you just the way you are, Chloebird.

Up in the MomPerch, the whole suspiciously smelly controversy surrounding whether or not Abby had tried to sabotage Chloe’s mid-season win against Kamryn all came back up the pipes again.  And it still stunk.

Word on the street was that Abby had tried to take away Chloe’s win with the judges and Christi wanted to get to the bottom of the rumor right now while Jodi was outnumbered by all those Original Recipe Backup Moms blocking the exit.

Luckily, Christi just happened to have one of the judge’s phone numbers in her iPhone Contact List.  Because, of course she did.

His name was Francisco.  Like the city, of course.

And he picked up on the first ring.  Exactly like no one ever does.

(Raise your hands if you wondered why Christi didn’t just call San Fran the morning after the original competition instead of waiting however long it has been to hit him up on his Sidekick.  Anyone?  Don’t be shy.  We’re all friends here…)

Francisco was all like OhHeyGurl! when he finally answered and all the Moms seemed to know who he was as they all holla’d back at their boy on speaker.

He admitted that a little sumthin sumthin may have gone on between Abby and the judges after the win, which got Jodi a slightly flustered and made Christi start contemplating revenge like she was one of those mean girls on the ABC Family channel.

Christi decided that The Best Revenge is Success.

Ok.  It’s a family show.  We’ll go with that one for now.

Side note:  My MomCrush Jill going “How ’bout dat?” made me smile.  In my head I made it sound more gangstah than it really was because I like Bad Girls.dt

Then it was time to watch a big, powerful sea creature wax some ManCandy chests before going butt up in a dunking tank.  You might want to send the kids out of the room for this one, because it can’t be unseen.

To give the girls a break from all the pre-show stress and let them blow off some steam, Abby had selected a few samples from her seemingly endless deli case of fresh BoyToy meat to assist her with one of those State Fair dunking tanks.

Dave and Rich were their names.  Two shirtless choice cuts of sirloin with all the fat trimmed off who seemed pretty adept at taking dolla dolla bills, yo, from housewives in the middle of the afternoon.

Unfortunately, the girls all pitch dunking baseballs like they dance hip hop, so in the end they had to bum rush the tank as a group in order to trigger the splash knob and send Abby into the water head first.  And upside down.  And booty, booty e’rrywhere.

Side note:  Christi was kinda digging the one in the black board shorts.  You could tell.  I’m betting somebody added a few more digits to their Contact List.

After everyone uprighted Abby from the beach sand and pushed her back to the safety of the ocean (…hey, Kendall said it…not me…) it was time for Tech Rehearsal at the Dance Concert venue.

The short version:  Chloe’s foot was getting worse.  It was swollen and hard to cover up when she was wearing a rubber.  Again…her words, not mine.

Moving on.  Quickly.

Christi was determined that Chloe dance at Nationals this year, since Mom was pretty much responsible for them both getting kicked out of N’awlins last year after her infamous Slurpee Fight with Leslie Ackerman.

You remember that one, right?  They called it the Big Easy Brawl.

(Insert Classic New Orleans Cage Match Flashback here: ____________________.)cr

Special shoutout to my boy Backwards Hat Guy who risked it all to throw himself into the middle of that pig pile between Christi and Leslie.  Dude.  Was.  Fear.  Less.

The next day, Chloe’s foot was now in a walking cast, because I guess overnight she had developed some kind of buckle fracture something or other that nobody seemed to have noticed until the MRI.  But I’m not a doctor.  Nor do I play one on TV.

Speaking of, though.  On General Hospital they give you MRI results while you’re still standing there covered in your own blood from a Mob shootout, but I guess in the Dance World you actually have to wait a day or two for somebody to figure out that your toes need to be taped together for a week.

And right before Nationals?  What a drag.

Jodi also told Christi she was acting like an idiot in the middle of yet another argument.  I should probably mention that part.  And the part where Christi volleyed back with how Jodi was nothing but filth on the bottom of a shoe?  That’s probably important, too.

Ooooh, Girl.  Smack Talk in da Perch.

With two days to go before the Concert, Abby showed up in a full head of curlers.  For some reason, she chose to do that a lot for the rest of the episode.  And they weren’t just curlers.  They were the big kind of curlers like your Grandma used to leave in all day.

And a quick run thru, Abby did the math and cut Sarah from the group routine because she was making the dance all lopsided now that Chloe had been sidelined.

Wait for it.  Wait for it.

Meltdown in 3…2…1…

Boom.  Christ-y went bonkers.

Sarah cried.  A lot.  Just like the last time she was on the show.  And the time before that.sc

Sarah wanted to go home.  Mom wanted her to suck it up, get a drink of water and go back inside the studio to face Abby.  She was relentless.  In between hyperventilating and hiccup crying, poor Sarah literally belted out the entire Frozen soundtrack as she kept begging her Mom to Let It Go….Let It Go…Let It Go.  It was like walking down the aisle at Toys ‘R’ Us when one of the talking Elsa dolls has her push button crystal gem necklace jammed and won’t stop singing no matter how hard you shake it.

Truth:  If you mute your TV screen and turn up the volume on your iPod, Sarah’s mouth actually moves in sync with Idina Menzel‘s singing no matter where you start the track.

I swear.  Try it.

Then more screaming.  And more crying.  I don’t even remember what they ended up doing.  I think they finally left the building, but I’m not sure.  All I really remember is that Sarah wasn’t the only one of us who needed a drink when it was over.

So much screaming and crying, I tell you.  My nerves.  Oy vey.  Let It Go already.

On the final day of rehearsals, it became clear that Kamryn was now the lead in the group routine.  You can probably fill in the rest of the conversation on your own.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And time for more curlers!

And that one guy in the director’s booth who had his face blurred out the entire time.  Like they do on COPS when they raid a trailer park.  What’s a dude in the Witness Protection Program even doing working for the ALDC anyway?

The group routine went well.  The big fake diamond that Kamryn heisted was almost as sparkly as all the Moms in their fancy clothes.  They clean up nice.

Nia did a back tuck flip thang that I didn’t even know was called a back tuck until somebody tweeted it.  Whatever you call it, she nailed it like I don’t know what.

Hashtag Boom Boom Pow.

Chloe cried in the audience because she couldn’t dance with her friends, so that made me sad.  This really hasn’t been her year.ch

Side note:  Words of Wisdom from the Mouths of a few Babes.  Kendall pointed out to Maddie that these 45 second solos were probably not the Most Important Thing Ever in the history of their Entire Life Ever.  Dance Life, maybe.  But Ever Ever Life?  Not so much.  

Those Vertes girls are pretty smart.

By the time Nia finished explaining to everyone how Abby doesn’t even usually pick her dancers strictly on who has the actual best technique, it was clear that some of these girls are wise beyond their age.

Oh, yeah.  Nia sees what you’re doing there, Abby.  She sees.

Some of the girls nailed their solos.  Some had a few weeble wobbles.  But don’t worry.  Abby put all their weaknesses down on report cards before leaving to finally pop a few of those curlers out, which gave the Moms just enough time to go one more round over favoritism at the ALDC.

Abby’s written remarks made Nia cry, which made me sad.  I think I still had some left over sadness from Chloe crying, so Nia didn’t help my mood by getting her own feelings hurt.

But Christi came to the rescue with one of the best morale boosting Mother/Daughter pep talks ever.  Granted, she had the wrong daughter, but her heart was in the right place and she really made Nia and me feel better.  Huggies.

After a quick curtain call (…Nia’s shoes, tho.  Dang, girl…) everyone headed to the Memorial Dinner, where there was more crying.  And James Washington in a bow tie.

And now I just need to let it all go before Nationals.

Because…you know…they’re next week I heard.

See you there.

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Bring It!: The Big Dolls And Baby Dolls Are Bucking For Revenge, So Have A Seat On The Couch And Let’s Do This!

September 20th, 2014

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How ’bout you get back to your own babies before you get five of these upside yo’ head?

 

 

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What a Daddy’s gotta do is drop this thing on top of the next hen who tells me to Back It Up.

 

 

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AwNah. I don’t need my Thinking Cap to know that’s one big a*** couch sitting on that sidewalk.

 

 

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Put your damn arm down, Gurl. There’s no waitress tonight.

 

 

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AwShoot. Knew I shouldn’ta put on Hello Kitty gloss. Miss D gon’ think I’m Nicki Minaj.

 

 

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It’s not a Nintendo, you crazy bitch. Stop trying to shoot laser beams and watch your kid.

 

 

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Those Mamas tho. I mean…dang.

 

 

 

 

Make this show be two hours.

Just freakin’ do it, already.  Bring It!…and do it.

And now that we got that weekly rant out of the way earlier than normal…

Moving on.

With only two competitions left in the season, it was time for Coach Dianna Williams to ramp up the intensity another notch or ten as she prepared the girls for their last few remaining battles.  Something that she doesn’t have any problem doing, by the way.

Not at all.

You thought last week was crucial, Girlfriend?  Well tell me how you feel after you’ve run a few hundred laps in the hot sun around an abandoned strip mall parking lot.

Because that’s how the Dancing Dolls got the party started this week; by running in circles in front of what was either an old Circuit City or that mall from The Walking Dead.

I’m not sure where they were.  Never having been to Mississippi I don’t really know that much about Jackson, which is why I usually make up over 90% of these recaps.

I know it’s hot.  I know they like their Ten Piece Take-Out with the bone still in.  And I know they have abnormally, terrifyingly large mosquitoes.  Do I really need to remind you about that time Snoop Dawg Mimi blew out two of my four surround sound speakers when a bug landed on her face?

(Seriously.  How much do we love this lady?  Especially when she starts talking in MimiTongue and gets all Dat’sMyBabyDat’sMyBaby!  MwahMwahMwah!)dw

So, yeah.  My Jackson 411 is pretty limited.  Let’s just assume that Jackson has more electronic stores than zombies and go with Circuit City.  We’re wasting time.

As the girls busted out a few loops, the Mamas were back at the Dollhouse getting sneaky with their recentlly acquired DDP/NSA surveillance system.

The baby monitor had arrived and was ready for installation!

Remember a few weeks ago when the Mamas were charging $2 bucks a pop for all that junk in their trunk (…that certainly didn’t come out the way it was intended….) in order to raise money for a new state-of-the-art nursery camera that would finally allow them visual access inside the building?

Well, contrary to a number of you online, the Moms weren’t wearing all the bake sale profits on their head for the last two episodes.  The monitor was apparently just on back order at JCPenney and took longer to ship than expected.

But it was here now and ready to be snuck into the Dollhouse.

Which was Seloncé‘s job, of course, because whether it’s covert military maneuvers or Meerkat Manor, you always throw the crazy one down the hole first.

As the unbeweavable Tina stood guard in the doorway, Seloncé raced inside to sneak the camera behind that big a** pile of trophies on the floor.  Can you hear me?  Can you hear me?  I’m looking at you from the front door, fool.  I can see you.

That’s not what I asked.  Can you hear me?

Lawd, Seloncé just gives me Life.  XOXO

Honestly, the only person I’ve ever seen fumble through a tech installation more awkwardly than Sunjai‘s Mama is a Comcast employee.

At least Seloncé shows up on time.  r

As Miss D and the Dolls rounded the last corner (…zombie-free, BTW..) Mimi bellowed out the DDP Hi De Ho Hooty Hoo Shoo Bee Doo Call and everyone evacuated the building with only seconds to spare.

This week’s competition, entitled Welcome To Tigerland for some reason, was going to be a really big show.  Pretty much every hip hop team below the Rhode Island state line would be there, including LCDC, the St.  Louis Dazzling Diamonds, the Diamonds of Essence All-Stars, the Sparkling Diamondettes, the Ladies of Excellence, the Dazzling Starlets, the Divas of Distinction, the Girls Who Can Wait In Line Overnight For An iPhone 6 But Flip Out When There Is One Person Ahead Of Them At Burger King Looking For Change In Her Purse and a few teams I’m sure I missed.

Yes, Kayla.  You better pack a lunch.  It’s gonna be a long one.

Side note:  Dianna felt the need to point out that the St. Louis Dazzling Diamonds were from St. Louis.  Ok, then.  Thanks.  I guess.

The Dolls would be competing in the Parade category and Stand Battle.

Blah Blah Blah.  Baby Dolls!

Yaaaas, hunty!  The Baby Dolls were back!!!!

TaelarDestiniMini-Kayla & Company were all back to join the Big Dolls in the Parade performance.  Full disclosure:  I may or may not have squealed just a little bit again.

These tiny babies are so cute it makes my front teeth hurt.  So freakin’ sweet.

Side note:  If someone isn’t already working on the animated Bring It! Holiday Special (…with Animagic stop-motion puppets like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, not a cartoon, thank you very much…) then you’re not doing your damn job.  t

I mean, c’mon.  Can’t you already picture puppet Taelar and her big puppet hair bow going to the Island of Misfit Toys to save them all from a sad puppet Christmas?

You know she’d sing a song with a polar bear cub and then put her puppet arms up in the air all like AuuuughWahh!!!

Destini could join her on her sleigh ride to the Island, but she’d need something warmer than her Thinking Cap from Fred’s.  Because she totally said that.

I’m not even joking.  This just needs to happen.

The upcoming competition was a big dealio.  And Miss D don’t play, so you knew she was going to work the pee-wee team just as hard as the senior squad.  As the big ones and little ones all got to rehearsing, there was also plenty of action outside on the sidewalk.

Because it was Furniture Delivery Day.

F’realz.

Baby Daddy JJ and his crew showed up with a couch.

You heard me.  A couch.

But not just a couch.  It was one of those infomercial couches that either has hidden storage under the arm pads or a reclining footrest or built-in cup holders and a place for your remote.  The kind of overstuffed pleather-looking couch that you just wipe clean with a ShamWow if you spill your Vitamix smoothie.

With a matching end table and artificial potted plant, of course, because Seloncé always says that accessories make the outfit.  Gurl was on point this week, so you know she knows her shiz.

It was the ultimate in Sidewalk Seating for the Mamas to chillax on while they watched the baby monitor.  Sign me up for that gig.jj

Bonus Points:  Considering that the Girls Scouts of America can’t even put up a bus station card table without two permits and a city hall hearing, I should give a shout out to JJ for just backing his truck up over the curb and furnishing a section of Jackson’s public property like it was his day job.

THAT’S how you do what a Daddy has to do, people.  That’s how you do.

Back inside, Camryn and Tamia were starting to show some rivalry for this whole Captain position thang that would be opening up when Kayla graduated next year.  After each Big Doll was handed three Baby Dolls for some focused choreographical (…is that even a word?…) attention, Tamia kept poking her stuff all up in Cammie’s bidnez.

T: Just trying to help you.”

C: “Help yo’self.  I got me.”

OhNoSheDin’t.  Snap.  Sombody’s got some MimiDNA in her, yo.

Then Mimi said ‘Dat’sMyBaby!’ one mo’ time and blew out my two remaining speakers.

Side note:  For the Love of God.  It’s  Head.  Head.  Wrap.

And then the baby monitor somehow acquired the power of levitation and ended up in the middle of the floor.  Really.

Busted.

After explaining to Seloncé that it was actually the camera that was upside down and not the girls, everyone went into total sitcom panic mode as Dianna scooped the surveillance device up off the ground and stormed outside to confront the Mamas.s

Honestly, I could watch these four ladies bump into each other like Teletubbies all night.

When they get together and one of their hair brained plans backfires, it’s kinda like watching I Love Lucy and Laverne & Shirley at the same time.  On the same TV.

Or maybe exactly like.

I’m starting to wish I hadn’t already ranted about making this show two hours long, because I would totally do it right here.  But I already did it.  So I won’t.

Love me some DDPs, though.

Side note:  Seloncé in her #Flawless tee, red hot leggings and Beyoncé doo wop up-do was Da Bomb.  Dot.com.

Back in the Factory, the Big Dolls were working on the Statue of Liberty Stand.  Which was almost exactly what it sounds like:  Somebody standing on someone else and raising her leg way up like it’s a torch.

America, people.  America.

Have you ever watched the old Bugs Bunny Warner Bros. cartoons where Sylvester‘s little cat nephew follows him everywhere and drives him crazy?

That was Tamia following Camryn around.  Just saying.

Finally, it was Showtime!

I like when we get to meet the other coaches in the hallways and they’re hyped up and all like WeGonnaWinAndKillIt! during their interviews.  tae

Except for that one Tool last week who said to give the little trophy to the girls (…I understand, dude.  I’m sure you don’t need to be staring at one more tiny thing in your locker room….) everyone else is always positive and promoting the messages of persistence and high self-esteem that this show is centered around.

In it to win it, yes.  But they’re all still doing it in a positive manner and having fun at the same time.  The coaches clearly love their kids and what they do.

So props to them.  Even the guy who said the Dolls were sloppy.

Lawdy, it’s hot in Memphis.

E’rrybody was sweatin’.  Mimi was having a flash or two in the audience.  Tina was flapping around an empty paper plate like she was serving up pizza at a Little Italy street fair.  The Dolls were backing it up against any working fan they could find in the makeup room.  It was getting ripe.

Somebody even smelled like Fruit Roll-Ups.

Which I guess was still better than some of the alternatives.

During the Parade routine, Dianna wanted the audience to see tongues hanging out and the blacks of their gums, whatever that means.  I’m not touching that one.

She does get props for mentioning proper oral hygiene, though, because shiny white teeth are always the key to any good tongue wag.  You heard it here first, kids.

Can we just say that the Dolls Shut. It. Down. during the Parade routine?

Because that’s what they did.  Shut. It. Down.

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Bonus Points:  To Coach Brittany Grayson from the Ladies of Excellence for watching the routine and then saying that the Dolls were gorgeous.  Taking the high road and supporting your competitors instead of smack talking them behind their back makes you gorgeous too, ma’am.  Well done.

After the first 247 teams were eliminated, it came down to the Dancing Dolls vs. the Dynamic Diamond Dollz for the Stand Battle.

And no tie this time.  Ain’t gonna happen.  Because it was ON.

Back and forth.  Back and forth.  Boom.  Bam.  Pow.

The DDDz did an Earthquake Shake.  The DDs almost gave Miss D an aneurism when they climbed on top of each other’s sweaty backs for the Statue of Liberty pose.

And then it was over.

The Dolls took a chance in 400% humidity.  They saw it.  Grasped it.  Almost slipped on it.

And then won it.

First Place in both Parade and Stand Battle!

But now the bad news.  Only one more competition before the season ends.

I know, right?  Sad.

Next week is the last dance.  And the return of the Divas of Olive Branch.

Wait.  What?

I remember them.

Oooh, Gurrrrl…your puppet stanks.

DD4L!

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