Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Are All Back For One More Round At The Reunion. Let’s Do This.

October 15th, 2014

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You wanna see me climb those stairs in heels? Cuz Imma ’bout ready to hush this whole audience.

 

 

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We’d never hit each other. You have any idea how much a full set of these acrylics costs at the mall?

 

 

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Thanks. It’s nice to be here, Jeff. But it would be even nicer if MamaZ could stop staring at my boobs.

 

 

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I dunno. I think my favorite part is when everyone all goes ‘Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie…’

 

 

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Somebody wanna tell Elizabeth Taylor over here that we all know she’s wearing her kid’s headband as a necklace.

 

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Srsly? Did she really just say that to me? Abby’s hand up my butt? You see how tight this dress is? Good luck with that.

 

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I’m well aware that only one side of my hair is curled. You don’t need to keep pointing it out.

 

 

 

 

You know what they say.

It ain’t over ’til the Dance Lady blings.

Because they totally say that.  I swear.

And there’s nothing like a little Dance Moms Reunion to prove it.

This week Abby Lee Miller put on an extra layer of protective sparkle spackle and faced off against every Mom in the building one last time before closing the books on Season 4.

And what a season it was.  Oy vey, the drama.

My boy Jeff Collins was back to nervously host another roundtable discussion/boxing match with the Moms.  Sometimes I’m still not sure if he actually watches the show, but it was nice to see that he finally got his pocket square under control.  If you’re a tenured Dance Moms fan, you’ll probably remember that last year his suit stuffer was bigger than his head and it really bothered me for the entire episode.

Jeff was also styling in a pair of on-trend skinny leg pants and a bullet proof CNN kevlar vest under his suit coat just to be on the safe side.  He seems a little delicate, so after all the throw downs this season I don’t blame him one bit for suiting up like Iron Man.

Full Disclosure:  It’s already public knowledge that I have a Love/Hate relationship with these Reunion Shows.  No secret there.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love seeing the Moms all glammed up, because very last one of them can werk a fancy dress like nobody’s bidnezz.  Whether you think some of them play dirty or not…they all clean up nice.  Really nice.

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But after four seasons, I still can’t figure out the location of the bunker where they film these things and where on Earth they find all these infomercial audience participants.

Oooh.  Aaaah.  It can make hot soup AND ice cream?  Take my money now.

This year the set was decorated with the same chandelier (…subliminal Sia advertising, anyone?…) silhouette wall clings they sell at Urban Outfitters.  I saw them on sale during Back-To-School, so I’m sure Lifetime got a sweet deal on a full case of decals.  Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole audience went home with a new Vitamix blender and a couple of removable stickers.  Thanks for playing!

As always, Jeff and Abby started the show with a quick one-on-one to lay out some of the backstory before the Moms hit the couch.

Since Abby always wears a minimum of one reflective accessory per outfit per day, it was hard to tell if she had actually put any extra effort into glamming herself up for the Reunion.  I think she did, though, because she wasn’t wearing a plastic headband.

Jeff and Ms. Miller talked briefly about Nationals, the Original Recipe Team, the New Recipe Team and Maddie Maddie Maddie.  And then Maddie.

And speaking of.  Maddie was the first to come out on set in a pretty little age appropriate dress, all smiley and oddly shy at the same time.

Something about her always reminds me of what would happen if you put Audrey Hepburn and Asia Monet Ray into that free Vitamix blender and set it on Ice Crush.

I think it’s the combination of Asia’s little signature head bun and something else that escapes me right now.  Maybe it was Maddie’s dress at last season’s Girl Talk Special.  I dunno.  But that’s what Maddie always reminds me of, in case anyone cares.

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We discovered that Maddie had gotten a tweet from Sia (…1, 2, 3 Drink!…) and immediately jumped on a plane and learned the entire music video dance in two hours.

Really.  That’s how it happened.  And now she’s got a freakin’ MTV Music Video trophy on the shelf next to her My Little Pony collection.

Hellz To The Yeah I’m checking my Twitter account every ten minutes from now on.

Abby also pimped out her own new book before sending Maddie back into the Green Room.  I swear the book must have been propping up a short table leg or something, because she yanked it out of thin air so fast that I don’t even know where it came from.

Side note:  Transitions aren’t really Jeff’s thing, so for the rest of the episode he just kind of jumped from subject to subject whenever things got uncomfortable.  It’s not me.

Next out on stage was Holly!  We love Dr. Beyoncé.

(And to the twerp that called me out on Twitter for comparing Holly to a pop star…der.  If you had actually been reading this mess of a site for the last couple of years you’d know I’m only referring to her breathtaking makeover, not her twerking.  I know what ‘Doctorate’ stands for, thank you very much.  If you like it than you should have put a PhD on it.)

Holly was a stunner in a long yellow gown that kinda sorta reminded me of a cross between Belle from Beauty and The Beast and something you might wear for the talent portion of the 2015 Mrs. Pittsburgh Pageant.  Hint.

(Where she could totally rock the Single Ladies dance, mmmkay?)

Jeff got right into the whole WhiteBoardgate controversy, complete with a flashback to when Abby declared that at 12 years old, Nia was already at the age where she could easily get married and start having lots of babies.

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Wait.  What?  Yeah.  You remember that one.

Holly lost her noodle back then, and she lost it again this time.

But in complete level headed HollyStyle.  She.  Shut.  It.  Down.

Pointing and getting all VoiceOfReason and OhNoYouDin’t at the same time while hushing the entire audience when they dared laugh along with Abby, Holly was in charge.

I even put my phone on Mute because I was afraid she’d start yelling at me if I got any calls during the show.  I’m sorry.  It won’t happen again.

Holly don’t play.  And when she points at you?  Game Over.

Side note:  In between all the action, there were also some dance numbers, both group and solo.  I’m not discounting any of them, I’m just trying to keep this thing under a four hour read so you can all get back to Facebook.

Next out on set was Christi, in her multi-tiered white wedding cake gown.  I could totally picture how cool that dress would be if each level had a hula hoop hemmed into the seams and it whipped around when she got mad like something on Star Trek.

I don’t even think Christi’s butt was on the couch before she and Abby started going at it like pit bulls.  The kind with rabies that chew through their leashes.

If you could take any hallway fight scene from this past season and imagine it being performed in ball gowns, that’s pretty much how the confrontation went down between Chloe‘s Mom and Abby this week.

When Melissa‘s name got dragged into the discussion, she even came out from the shadows looking mighty fine in a red sparkly ensemble to try and prove to Holly and Christi that she doesn’t live a Privileged Life.

It didn’t go so well.

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Especially when Abby started whispering to Melissa and Holly just stopped talking until she got the R-E-S-P-E-C-T that Aretha said she deserves.  Don’t make her hush this audience again.  Because she will.

We also never really found out if Christi and Chloe are gone, though.  I mean ‘Gone’ Gone.  Like…for good.

I know how the finale ended and what all the online chat rooms are saying.  (If I creeped online chat rooms, I mean.)  But nobody at the Reunion actually came out and said IT…so who knows.

After all the craziness of this season, I need to see it actually scroll across the bottom of the screen or have their faces pixelated off the opening credits before I bury the bodies.

We love that little Chloebird, BTW.

Side note:  With one hand up and one hand on the (bleepin’) censor button, I swear that hallway and back alley MamaDrama (…and maybe an occasional front desk fisticuff…) is the best.  The Best.

Somewhere around this point my MomCrush Jill almost missed her cue and never even came out on set.  I don’t what the heck she was doing back there, but she seemed pretty surprised when Jeff called her name.

Her pastel glitter ball dress gave me some Life, hunty.  Life, I tell you.

After a little more Abby-Bashing and about 32 seconds of MackZ‘s “Shine” video, Jeff finally got up the nerve to mention new and even louder Mom Christ-y with a ‘Y.‘ 

Her flashbacks, tho.  Is it Garbage Day already?

After being cut from both ALDC Teams so many times that I needed Holly’s White Board to keep track, Christ-y was finally so devastated that she didn’t even bother showing up for this week’s Reunion.  On Party Dress Day.  Bummer.

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I was kind of looking forward to some Feisty Christ-y Moments, but it’s probably better that tiny Sarah didn’t have to be put through any more emotional scarring.  I’m no doctor, but I can’t imagine that it’s very good for your brain cells to take in so much oxygen every time you hiccup cry.

And then Tami came out and the episode momentarily went into 3D Mode.

Not gonna lie.  I’m kind of mad at Melissa, because I totally wanted to say “Holy Boobage, Batman” but she beat me to it when Tami came out of the shadows.

The Password Is:  Whoa.  And another Whoa for the other one.

Wearing some kind of green shrink-wrapped cut-out superhero dress that exposed all her…umm…superhero stuff, I guess…Tami joined the Moms to discuss her front desk beatdown of Christ-y.

I love Tami.  I really do.

But don’t mess with her, because she will smack the pants right off you.

(Special shout-out to Director Jimmy for dropping down through the air duct during that chick fight to try and pull the two of them apart without losing an eye.  And if that other guy in the Where’s Waldo rugby doesn’t get some kind of Presidential sumthin sumthin for serving his country in the middle of that lady battle, I might just lose all faith in America.)

Tami has no regrets.  Bitch touched me first.

I’m pretty sure Tracey might have a few more regrets, since she still has no hair in that one spot where Tami snatched her head while attempting to connect with Christ-y’s face.

And Melissa?  She was dying to swipe her ATM card right down the center of Tami’s boobage.  You could totally tell.  MamaZ had that same face you get when there’s no line for Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry’s.

Then the rest of the New Moms joined the party.

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Tracey was still trying to hide her bald spot.  Jodi had enough estate jewelry on to attend the Oscars.  And Loree ‘VoteForMyHusband’ Cloud clearly thought she was a guest on Meet The Press again.

It was classic Old vs. New while Jeff doodled on his index cards.  (Do you think there’s really anything written on them?  I wonder some times.)

After an awkward flashback where we got to relive Abby ripping the track jacket right off Ava‘s body and then kicking her out the ALDC back door, Mom Jeanette came out in a (…totally not from Forever 21…) tight and right red mini dress to get all up in Abby’s face.

For 27 seconds max.  I swear.

Which was just long enough for Christi without a ‘Y’ to swear at her before she left.

Really.  Just like that.  I don’t even think Jeanette’s taxi driver had time to shut off the engine before she was back outside with all her luggage.

But Jeff had saved the Best For Last.  He said that.

Cue the Boo’s, because it was time for Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein to come out and represent the Candy Apples contingent.  I’m pretty sure she’s a Side Sleeper.

The Left Side, if you know what I mean.

As soon as she hit the lights, Cathy was all over Abby.  And vice versa.

They fought over who was the rudest dance company owner.  They fought over what ‘avant garde’ really means.  They fought over who did the best ‘Chandelier’ dance.  They even flashbacked to that infamous hallway fight that occurred after Cathy and Brigette Triana talked through an entire ALDC performance.

Side note:  I’d like to apply for the Subtitle Editor’s job that is probably vacant after the guy misspelled Brigette’s name while they were whispering.  Did you pick up on that?  Cuz he sure didn’t.  How does that even happen?

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That’s almost as bad as last night’s Nancy Grace broadcast where she kept showing Kendall‘s face with Paige Hyland‘s name under it during the Dance Mom Kelly story.

Really.

If I don’t get the Subtitle job you know I’m applying for the open spot in the HLN Research Department.  Get it together, people.

And then Jeff finished off the Reunion with the Biggest News Evah.  Which was actually last week’s Biggest News Evah.  Hate to burst his bubble.

Abby was opening ALDCLA.  Which we already knew.

So.  Yeah.

But it still got that one dude in the audience pretty excited, because he did a Fist Pump.

And then it was over.  For another season.

Who knows what next year will bring.  Only time will tell.

For now, we know that Holly looks amazing in yellow.

And all the other Moms like really sparkly things.

Can’t believe it’s over already.  I had fun.  Hope you did, too.

Now we just wait.  I can finally get to bed early on a Tuesday night and the rest of you can try reading a book or something.

I thought I was pretty hilarious, if I do say so myself.

What did you think, Melissa?

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Ok, then.

And on that note…if you haven’t already, you can fill some of that DanceMomsVoid by checking out Toddrick Hall‘s “Freaks Like Me” music video.

Holly and Jill dance.

And that’s pretty much all you need to know.

See you in Season 5, suckahs.

The Real Housewives Of New Jersey: WWHL’s One-On-One With Teresa And Joe Giudice…Now In Toddler Sizes.

October 10th, 2014

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“Is Bail Bettah?”

She wishes.

You know the story by now.  On October 1st, Joe and Teresa Giudice reported to court for sentencing on all their years of fabellini fraudulence.  They had already pleaded guilty to all sorts of bank fraud and tax evasion goodness and were finally facing the judge to receive their prison time.

Teresa got 15 months and Joe got a whopping 45 months, while Andy Cohen got off the easiest with only 60 minutes in the Watch What Happens Clubhouse.

That’s right.  It was the One-On-One 2 Part Special with Joe and Teresa and as soon as that WWHL train pulled out of the station, it was equal parts on-point and off the track for the entire two day trip.  All aboard.

Awkwardly Awesome ain’t even the word(s) for what went down at Bravo TV this week.

Moment after moment of OMG WTF-ness that left both me and Andy speechless and slamming shotskis as soon as the thing was over.

Notably odd was Teresa’s comment that she honestly believed her three youngest daughters did not know anything about what wassup at Casa Giudice.

Realistically, that’s an impossibility unless they are the only three students in their school.

But it did make me wonder how you would explain this whole mess to a toddler if he/she were really that oblivious to all the OK Magazine covers and text-eses that your Mom never reads.  Maybe with other toddlers, perhaps?

Pardon me while I grab my favorite WWHL Fairy Tale book off the clubhouse shelf…

tumblr_m8o3ojEOqF1rdutw3o1_500Once upon a time in the kingdom of BravoLand, there was a Queen named Teresa and King named Joe.  And they liked money.  A lot.

Making it.  And spending it.  But especially spending it.

Maybe too much.  But they figured out lots of ways to make lots of money.

And then even more money.

Some of the money came from The Real Housewives of New Jersey TV show, while some of the money was just make believe.  Like birthday unicorns.

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tumblr_mji38jzLIe1rrjlhho1_500The more money they made, the  more nice things they could buy.

Like doorknobs in the shape of giant angel wings, anything made out of faux fur and more hats then one woman could possibly wear in a lifetime.

Counting money and wearing hats is fun.

phpThumb_generated_thumbnailjpgracksWhen you have a lot of money, you can do lots of things.

But you can’t do this to the IRS…

rs_560x415-141006083023-1024.Teresa-Giudice-Joe-Giudice-WWHL-JR1-100614_copyMiddle-Finger-Girl-1When the King and Queen were finally caught doing bad things to get all that make believe money, they admitted to fake loans and incomplete listings of the palace furnishings and most of the Queen’s bling.

Even after signing papers that could possibly result in prison time, the Queen was completely shocked to hear that she actually had to go to jail next year.

I mean, she was shocked.  She was all like…

teresa-giudicetumblr_lw83ib0Y3V1r8pma2o3_500Nobody could believe that she had no idea she could go to prison for doing bad things.

Didn’t she sign papers?  TMZ had all kinds of them online.

Even the BravoLand Town Crier was all like Whaaaa-?!

You could tell he wanted to take them both and go…

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toddlers-4But he didn’t.  Because the cameras were rolling.

Apparently, the Queen likes to shop more than she likes to read, because she said she never actually read any of the papers the King made her sign for fake money.

And she never understood any of the other papers that the Royal Lawyers put in front of her that were now sending her to jail.

Ask the Queen to sit down and read something and she gets all like…

rs_1024x759-141006083033-1024.Teresa-Giudice-WWHL-JR-100614giphy-1“I do need to read things.”

Well, you’ve got about 15 months to catch up on a good book now.

When the Town Crier asked the King if he knew he was handing the Queen a whole bunch of make believe shizz to sign all these years, there were a few meathead slo-mo moments before he mumbled something about illegal things and tax stuff and some whatevers and then another whatever.

Lying is bad, kids.

Don’t lie.  Especially to yo’ woman.

teresa-giudice-1tumblr_mg0zmxiooU1qejlczo1_500Even though the Queen still seemed to be in complete denial that she was going to jail on January 5th, the Town Crier asked her if she was worried about her feisty Italian temper once she got locked up.

She wasn’t worried about herself.

The Royal Family…yes.  But herself…no.

She can handle life on the inside.

teresa-giudice-2tumblr_mga1wgnTkZ1qejlczo1_500When the King was asked if he was worried about the Queen being in prison, he kept it classy with a joke about chick-on-chick action in Cell Block T…

teresa-giudice-joe-giudice-wwhl-sentence-interviewanigif_enhanced-buzz-21689-1368634731-27We also found out that the Queen doesn’t know how to blow out her own hair.

Because I guess money makes you stupid.

Which is why she slicks it back a lot.  That’s way easier than plugging in a hair dryer.

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It was also revealed that the King has a drinking problem that was partially blamed on their TV show.

He can drink up to four bottles of Go-Go Juice in one night.

But only because it helps him sleep.

He may, or may not, seek help.  Or just spend 45 months drying out on his own.

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In the end, the King apologized to the Queen for sending her up the river for 15 months.

She didn’t seem too upset, though.  She was still standing by her man and gave him a kiss, acknowledging that he had been feeling pretty guilty for the last 24 hours.

Really.  24 hours.

She said that.

And then it was back to the royal palace.

Until it sells.  Or January.  Whichever comes first.

But for now…they lived (insert:__________) ever after.

The End.

wwhl-teresa-joe-giudice-w724tumblr_lny992Yf8l1qmt25uo1_400PS…Go check out T.Kyle’s realitytvgifs.  I totally lifted his AndyFace.  Thanks, dude.

Dance Moms: The Road To Nationals Comes To An End, In More Ways Than One. Is This Chloebird’s Last Song?

October 8th, 2014

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Without my super hero headband, I can’t control my hair or my feet. What’s happening to me?

 

 

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I’m sick of this S***! And I’m sick of this blog making it look like all I do is F***ing swear. F*** him and his F***ing blog!!

 

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Trust me on this one, Christi. No matter how bad it seems…pop on a nice pair of booty shorts and it’s all good in the ‘hood.

 

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Aw. Hell. Nah.

 

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S***! Can you spit on her again? I had my thumb over the lens. F***ing iPhone.

 

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Sorry to bother you girls. I was looking for the Material Girl Madonna Costume Party. Which way is the lobby?

 

 

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Dance Moms Game: Grab your Sharpie and glitter pen and help give Kamryn a new headband!

 

 

 

This is the deal.

Save those tears for your pillow.

Or maybe Nationals.

Whatever works for you.

It was the last Dance Moms episode of the season, and Abby Lee Miller was working overtime to put the ‘final’ in ‘finale’ for at least one of her tiny dancers.

Remember the old Warner Brothers Roadrunner cartoon when the Coyote would be racing down the highway with a rocket strapped to his skateboard and all of the sudden the asphalt would just end and he’d go flying over the edge of a cliff and presumably never be heard from again?  Remember that?

A highway that always seemed to end in some kind of drama.  Or explosion.  Or both.

I think back then it was referred to as the Acme Interstate or something.

Nowadays they just call it The Road to Nationals.

Grab a snack.  It’s gonna be a long one.

With only one day to go before the final competition, the Original Recipe ALDC Team stood side-by-side with the New Team in their makeshift Los Angeles rental as Abby laid down the DanceLaw one last time.

The Old Team’s ‘Amber Alert’ group dance was a hot mess.  The New Team’s ‘Hollywood Stars’ routine needed to be flawless or they would all be sitting on those sidewalk stars outside of Grauman’s Chinese Theater begging for change and looking for new jobs.

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And as for the soloists…Kendall needed to prove that she could step out of Maddie‘s shadow once and for all and finally come into her own.  Chloe needed to regain her confidence and figure out how to get the sparkle back in her eyes that she used to have before Abby sucked it all out with a Dairy Queen Blizzard straw.

(Spoiler Alert: Run.  Just RUN.  And never look back.)

And Kamryn needed to figure out who stole all her glitter headbands asap, because her battery power clearly comes from those titanium cranium wraps.

(That was also a Spoiler Alert.)

Side note:  I love Kendall’s wide-eyed innocence.  She always looks like she just realized this show was being filmed for television.  Never lose that, ok?  And tell your Mom I love her, but not in a creepy way.

Before the girls began their final day of rehearsals, Holly raised her hand and politely asked if there were going to be any more solos at the competition.  OhNoSheDin’t.

Yes, she did.  Dr. Beyoncé don’t play.  Especially when she’s already three hours behind in sleep, thank you very much West Coast time change.

As you’ll recall, last week Maddie was caught on some kind of  hidden security camera practicing a solo routine while everyone else was back at the hotel having breakfast.

I know, right?  Who knew the same technology used by Taco Bell to make sure employees don’t lick the soda nozzles could be also used to bust a dancer getting (…allegedly…) special treatment from Abby and her sidekick Gia.

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Maddie wanted to do a solo at Nationals.  Duh.  Who wouldn’t?  But my girl Melissa stood up for the other dancers and stated that three solos was enough this week, which made Abby wonder why MrsZ was suddenly more concerned about her friendship with the other Moms than the pimping out of her own daughter.  It was starting to get a little weird.

Side note:  Tami wasn’t wearing booty shorts.

I repeat:  Tami was NOT wearing booty shorts.

She was, however, rocking a pair of metallic gladiator stilettos that reminded me I needed to return my Julius Caesar porno tape to Redbox before I get charged a late fee.

That was a joke, people.  They weren’t hooker shoes.  And Redbox doesn’t sell porn at grocery stores.  That would be gross.  People eat there.

PS…We heart Tami.

As the girls got to dancing, we scooted across the street to the Candy Apples rehearsal space where Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein had her own bushel of crazy going on.

Choreographer du jour Chehon Wespi-Tschopp (…say that 3X fast…) was busy messing with my spellcheck and putting the Apple Cores through a bootleg Chandelier routine that was created solely to mess with Abby’s head.

Yeah, that Chandelier song.  1, 2, 3 Drink.  1, 2, 3 Drink.

(My new Dance Moms theme song, BTW.  Living on the Bar Floor.)

As long as Lifetime already paid the rights to use the song we might as well stick it in every scene, right?  I’m pretty sure I even heard it playing in the hotel elevator when my MomCrush Jill ran back upstairs to get her Emergency Bump-It.

(Today’s Jill Vertes Fashion Tip:   Always carry a spare in case you get a flat.)am

While Lady Killer Lucas Triana did that one leg up in the air thing that I swear he’ll do for his freakin’ Senior Pictures, Mom Joanne Morales made it clear that not only did she agree with Cathy’s song choice, but FYI…she had the buzzed-on-the-side haircut long before Lucas got it done down at SuperCuts.

I swear.  They both have the same hair.  Go look.

Back at the fake ALDC studio, Holly, Melissa and Jill were uncomfortably sitting on a pile of crash pads looking like those three SeeNoEvil monkeys in the gift shop as they tried to process the mess they were observing.  (Some chairs would have been nice, right?)

This ‘Amber Alert’ thing was not working out well at all, so Abby told Maddie to just leave and go work on her own solo.

Hold up.  Then wouldn’t that mean that the group number, which was supposed to be the most important number, would not get the rehearsal time it needed to guarantee a First Place win?

I wonder how Nia felt about that.

Let’s just say you don’t need to swab the inside of Sasha Nia’s mouth to know that she shares the same DNA as Holly.  That kid is wise beyond her years and wasn’t liking the idea one bit as she got all UmHellooooCanWeJustPractice? on Abby.

And then the Moms all headed outside, because they always do their best throw downs in hallways and back alleys.  You should know that after four seasons.

Holly couldn’t believe that Melissa hadn’t said anything when Abby sent Maddie out of the room.  It would have been the perfect opportunity for everyone to settle a few of these ongoing MamaDrama issues.  But whatever.  Ok, then.  Whatever.  Whatever.  Everyone got angry.  Especially Melissa, who swore so much that all the censor bleeps turned into one long noise that made me go check my smoke alarm just to be on the safe side.mz

(Does the Censor Button Guy get paid by the beep?  Cuz if he does, sign me up for this show, please.  This is way better than Mob Wives.)

It was pretty windy out there, too.  Seeing Christi come close to flashing her MomStuff to all of America was almost as traumatizing as seeing Jill’s bangs getting messed up.

Once everyone came back inside and got their hair under control, the girls continued working on their solos while the Moms addressed how fractured their MomGroup was now.  Melissa was sulking.  Christi was texting.  Holly was being Holly.  And Jill kept flipping the back of her hair like she was trying to shake out leaves or something.  It really was a wind tunnel out in that alley.

Abby got all up in Christi’s face about Chloe’s lack of enthusiasm and drive.  She even said something about Chloe sucking, which was not cool at all.  Christi called her a Wicked Witch.  Abby cackled and said she was flying away on her broom stick.

And then Christi said “Good, I hope you get hit by a truck” which didn’t make any sense since there’s no such thing as a flying truck.

Side note:  Pet Peeve.  If you’re gonna film all these crazy a** scenes out of sequence, please make sure you take all the clocks off the wall or blur them out of the shots.

Seriously.  That clock in the rehearsal room had me so messed up I didn’t know when to take my pie out of the oven.  Is it 2:30 or not?

A few minute later (..or not, maybe…) Christi confronted Chloe about the missing sparkle in her eyes.  Chloe started breaking my heart right around here somewhere.  Her spunk had left the building.  Nothing to see here.  Keep it moving.

Unfortunately, Christi got flustered and stormed off.  Whatever.  I can’t make you want to dance.  Which made Chloe and me feel even worse.  But luckily Jill was there for some unintentional comic relief.

Did you see her checking out Chloe?  At first she was all sad-like and Mom-like and looked as though she was about to hug her, but then suddenly she just looked her up and down like You’reNotReallyWearingThatOutOfTheHouseAreYou? car

Moms.  Hilarious.

There was a lot of crying.  Some yelling.  And then more crying.  Clearly, the moral of the story was that Chloe was about to lose all power to her engine boosters and plummet out of orbit, burning up as she reentered the Earth’s atmosphere.  Burning up.  Burning out.

Same diff.  And Twitter was not liking it one bit.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Cathy and her crew had apparently found time to go apple picking on their way to the auditorium (…who knew that downtown LA had so many orchards…) and started handing out shiny red souvenirs to everyone outside the venue as soon as they arrived.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m a big fan of free stuff, but when everyone on the sidewalk started holding them up above their heads like Olympic torches, the whole thing got a little too Hitler Nazi for my tastes.

Side note:  I need to know who that was driving Abby’s van.  Did you see that?  It was like an older kid or Soccer Mom or something.  And did she have one of those TLC cheerleading bows in her hair?  The whole thing was so awesomely distracting that I almost didn’t notice Abby falling out of the van like she just had hip surgery.

I love this show.  Except when little kids cry.

Saddest Moment Ever:  Chloe telling her Mom she wants to win, but doesn’t know how.

Insert heartbreak here: ____________________.

And then the ALDC found out that the Candy Apples would be dancing to Chandelier and the party really got started.cl

Melissa and Abby stormed into the Candy Apples dressing room to (…allegedly…) spit on Cathy and tell her that she couldn’t have Sia as her new BFF because she was already their BFF.

Abby then tried to convince Maddie to do the Chandelier solo on stage and shove her MTV Video Awards trophy down Cathy’s throat at the same time, but Maddie declined.

Waymin.  What?  That’s totally how Abby reacted.

Holly pointed out that, once again, Melissa couldn’t do the right thing and had left all the heavy lifting to her child.  Then I remembered that MamaZ had two kids on this show and realized that I hadn’t seen Mackenzie for almost an hour.

Kendall’s solo was amazing.  A million spins.  She made Mom proud.

Chloe’s solo was good, but you could tell her enthusiasm was about on par with the choreography Abby had given her.  I liked her one-sleeved outfit and the fact that she had grown another 6 inches, but it was clear that she was running on fumes after having all the spunk syphoned out of her tank over the last four years.

Side note:  Were those sunlamp bulbs that they used to light up the studio audience?  Holy burn-out, Batman.  Bright enough?  Yeeesh.  I had to go get my tanning goggles.

Kamryn’s solo started off like a diva performance, complete with a fancy red holiday gift wrap bow from Bloomingdale’s stuck on her head, until she tried running backwards and fell on her badonkadonk.  Ouch.

But she covered it like a true rockstar with a quick backwards somersault into a split kind of thing that I’m totally trying when I wipeout on the ice this winter.

Backstage, Abby hugged Kamryn, even though every other ALDC dancer who had ever done a face plant on stage got at least one night in Solitary and their headshot taped to the bottom of the Pyramid.

Holly got all ExcuseMe? and then Nia got all YeahWhatSheSaid and then I confirmed once again that the two of them are definitely related.

Check my temp.  I think I got FrazierFever, cuz I’m burning up.

fh

And then the Award for The Most Awkwardly Awkward Dance Moms Mom Moment went to Brigette Triana and her boom box cellphone and whatever that was she was wearing.

I swear.

Everyone in the building suddenly heard that damn Chandelier song again (…why not, right?…we already paid for it…) and looked up to see Brigette standing in the same bright light that the little lady in Poltergeist stood in right before she got herself sucked into the bedroom closet, just chilling out in the doorway with her phone up in the ayah like a Hitler apple, yo.

Wait.  What?

If that loud music was coming from that puny little phone, Mama T has a waaaaay better Sprint plan than I do.

Maybe I just watch too much Bring It! or still have Nia’s Dance Contest burned into my brain…but when Maddie shoved her way to the front of the room and busted out a Chandelier Stand Battle I just ’bout lost my noodle.

She was all like 1, 2, 3 Drink!  Boom!  Bam!  Pow!  F*** off, bitch…dat’s MY song.

Dead.  I was dead.

The Candy Apples Chandelier dance couldn’t compare to that, even though I thought they might get a few extra points for looking like Power Rangers.  Or chewable vitamins.  I couldn’t decide.  Which is probably why I wasn’t asked to judge Nationals this year.

Maddie’s face, tho.

The Amber Alert child abduction dance was straight up goose bumpy, if that’s even a word.  Not gonna lie.  When Nia snatched MackZ off the street and shoved her into that lifeguard chair I got a little spooked.

And where did all that hair come from?  Was it just me?  Or my Bring It! obsession again?

Was MackZ wearing a weave?  Dang.

acl

Side note:  Jeanette Sighting in the audience.  Stalk much?

The Scores:  Kendall only came in 9th.  She was robbed.  Chloe came in 5th.  Abby was not happy.  The New Team pulled in 2nd on their group routine.  But got smoked by the Old Team’s First Place showing.

The Wrap-Up:  Clearly, nothing good ever happens in a hallway.

Kendall cried and Christi and Abby went at it one last time.  These kids put you on the map.  Something about a fat body.  Chloe’s washed up.  What did you say?  Christi even tried to rip down the production barrier curtain like she was Dorothy on crack going after the Wizard for his money.

Whoa.  Just whoa.

Crying.  Screaming.  And then Christi realized that Abby had finally crossed the line and it was time to go.  For ever.

If you have any heartbreak left, insert here: ___________________.

And then they  were gone.  Right out the fire doors.

Go towards the light, Chloebird.  Go towards the light.

Oh.  And the New Team got booted out of the ALDC.  Thanks for playing, but we don’t need you anymore.  Nobody on the New Team seemed very happy with that decision.

And then there were three.

Moms, that is.  And four kids.

Who’s going to the new ALDCLA?  Any one?

Guess we’ll have to wait until next season to find out.

I miss Chloe already.

See you at the Reunion.

cc


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