Toddlers & Tiaras: The International Fresh Faces Pageant Is All About The Face. So Take That…And Rewind It.

November 27th, 2016

twice

 

 

So lemme get this straight. First you take my crown. And now you’re taking my toys? HellNaw.

 

 

bc1

 

 

I dunno. I mean…I just…I just can’t imagine not having this T&T blog to read every week.

 

 

ceye

 

 

 

I heard that Boys don’t make passes at Girls who wear glasses. Gimme a few minutes…

 

mb1

 

 

 

 

That bitch is #Goals.

 

 

 

p

 

 

 

 

Now I see one boob.

 

 

fu

 

 

 

At first I was all like “Yo. Hold my drink while I f*** this bitch up…” but then I was all like “Never mind. I think I got this.”

 

w

 

 

 

She ain’t touching this one, I can tell you that. I’m down to my last full box. And Mama likes.

 

 

 

Let’s Face it.

You know I’m all about that Face.

And this Face.

f1

And this Face, of course.

sugar-2

And this vintage Face, served with a side of #Attitude.

giphyAnd these Faces, for sure.  Clutch the pearls.

thb

And this Face.  ‘member this one?  Holla at yo’ Coupon Queen Mama.

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And whatever’s going on with this Face.

fight

And this Face again, but with different hands.

f2

And these Faces, both which gave me such #LIFE that I had to walk away for a moment.

mp

And these Crazy Faces.

selfie

And every Face this Face ever made.

jkall

But let’s Face it.

We’re two episodes behind in our weekly Toddlers & Tiaras Quality Time because somebody at TLC thought it would be a good idea to stretch the Super-Sized 2 Part Season Finale around the Thanksgiving Holiday Season when everyone in the Real World was either slaving away over a hot plastic stove…
stove

…or waiting in line at Best Buy for a $5 Black Friday plasma screen.  So…yeah.

To whoever thought that was a good idea:v2tsqvxBut now we’re back.  And basically two episodes and three hours behind in recaps.

So no bathroom breaks today.

Let’s do this.

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The last time we saw our heroines, Kim‘s Barbie Dream SUV was still parked outside some strip mall dance studio and tiny Selyse was still locked inside Cambrie Littlefield‘s Panic Room.pinkLook at how tiny her fingers are.  She couldn’t dig an escape tunnel if she wanted to…

fingersAs you’ll recall, Selyse was put into Solitary because she had been acting like a 3 year old during the Cambrie’s Court team dance rehearsal.

As you’ll also recall, Selyse is 3 years old.  So there’s that.

Look at that face.

sCambrie wanted Kim to make Selyse go to sleep, yet never really clarified if that was supposed to be accomplished with pills, a lullaby or a mallet to the head.  But since Cambrie is #Goals, I’m going to assume she meant Hug It Out, because violence is never the answer.

Don’t do NyQuil.  And stay in school, kids.

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Eventually, Kim knocked down the door, rescuing Selyse…

ks

…and then hustling her into the Barbie Dream GetAway SUV where there was already another unexplained randomly placed child in the back seat who clearly was not in the mood for paparazzi today.

kkSide note:  I love Kim.

She gets a bad rap from a ton o’ chat rooms and people on Twitter who still have the egg icon as their photo, but I think she’s a hoot.  And y’all know by now that I’m an equal opportunity snarker.

Just ask Paisley Dickey‘s Mom.  #PrettyWoman.

toddlers-and-tiaras-paisleyI literally dragged her through the first 6 seasons of this show, but couldn’t love her more.  She and that kid are sweeter than Pixie Stix, I swear.  If they ever remix that Booger Song with a stronger bass beat I would totally use it in Step Class.

We love Kim.  She’s a mess.  But it’s the good kind.  So it’s all love.

kim Just like Kallyn‘s Mom Megan loves her vino.  Or almost as much.

m2

Look at that.

Make yourself at home in our Thomasville showroom, ma’am.m3Do any of these Pageant Moms even own shoes?

Megan is HIGH-larious.  But it was her husband Brandon who took top prize this time.

b1

Part Yogi Bear‘s overwhelmed BFF…

yogibearbdcap3_originalPart Fire Island stuffed animal and part every shop teacher who ever lost a finger in every high school in America when he puts on his protective glasses…

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…Brandon was 250+ pounds of weepy #ProudBabyDaddy, who got choked up every time he tried to talk about his #Daddy’sGirl Kallyn.

bcTrue Fact:  There is nothing like a Father’s Love.  Don’t ever take that for granted, kids.

We also met some boy that I’m going to assume is Kallyn’s brother…

bobby…who looked really familiar, but I couldn’t quite place him from where exactly.

tumblr_ma7wf7dxvb1relflqo3_r3_400Dad made some shirts for the upcoming pageant in a variety of colors…shirt1cznomcmwaaevkyt shirt…and proved again how much he loved his kid and iron-on heat-set lettering from Joanne’s.

Side note:  Jaimie/Adele kept showing up in clips where she was standing in front of a #ChoreBoard.

I’m not sure why the kid on the left had more chores to do than the kid on the right.

25_adele_560x375ju25_adele_560x375I’m also not sure why one of the chores wasn’t ‘Clean This Damn Chalkboard’ because that thing hadn’t been washed since the last time Jaimie went on tour.

C’mon.  How can you not love Jaimie?

Side note #2: Kallyn smelled Hot Pockets being microwaved down the hall and completely spaced out during the interview process.

hot1hot2No clue where she gets her lack of focus from.

dayHit me, bartender.

Moving on, we headed back to LensCrafters to finally get an explanation as to why Cambrie had been holding all her Team Meetings in an optical shop.

docMystery solved.

According to the blurred-out 2nd row, all of Cambrie’s kids are blind.

FDA Disclaimer:  There is no known connection between 20/700 eyesight and taking collagen spray shots directly in your open orbital cavities.  None whatsoever.  So don’t even bother calling your lawyer.

Look at how cute the kids look with goggles.

g glassesBut you didn’t need your new specs to see Hallee’s Mom lounging on her giant Roomba, did ya?

roomba

Because there she was again, chilling back all carefree and shoeless while the Taco Bell dog licked his burrito hole on national television.

And that’s Elicia.hm

With an…

mlsvulAnd a smokey eye, ‘mmkay?

seyeElicia’s a cheer coach and the Most Hated Mom on the pageant circuit right now.

She also holds the record for cooking the most hot dogs in one day.  You see that spread?

emI love how her husband Mark always had the same look on his face no matter what scene they were taping.  The only thing that ever changed was the designer logo on his shirt.

That’s the only way I knew it was a different day.  #TrueStory.

And excuse me.  How about Lola?

lola

So.  Cute.  Drop Dead Cute.

And since the upcoming International Fresh Faces Pageant was strictly Neck-Up, Jaimie figured Lola was a shoe-in for Ultimate Grand Supreme.

Lola’s Mom Jessica even took time off from filming an episode of Grey’s Anatomy to grant an interview before scooting out to her (…Spoiler Alert!…) BoxAerobics class at the Y.

jess jess1

You just wait.

Oh.  And Piper‘s back.  And her Mom Katie.  And her Dad with the Cowboy Hat.

gk k3

No shoes, tho.

Side note:  I think I forgot to mention that Lola’s Secret Weapon was her #Wink.

lola l1 l2Because it was.

Anyway.  I hope you’re safely reclined in your Carol Burnett Fainting Couch…

k3

…because right here was when the T&T Train went off the rails.

Piper was going on stage this weekend…with NO flipper.pipI know, right?  That’s crazy.

k1Spoiler Alert:  Actually, that’s not crazy.  This is crazy.

kBut not yet.

That’ll have to wait until Showtime.

Which was just about to start, as soon as we were introduced to Co-Directors Poncho and Michael.

And as soon as I regained consciousness after inhaling all their awesomeness.
looktumblr_nvtzpqhcvl1u2pphqo1_500m7tumblr_nvtzpqhcvl1u2pphqo1_500birdJust. Yaaaaaassssssss.

Since this pageant was all about the Face, nothing below the neck even mattered.

Not the costumes.  Not the fancy footwork.  Nuthin.

The judges were even informed to only score #FacialBeauty, which was so wrong it was right on so many levels.  Ugly Kids Need Not Apply.  Really.  I mean it.

Side note:  Don’t even ask me why everyone was putting a second mortgage on their homes to pay for cupcake dresses that wouldn’t even skew the numbers.  Don’t.

Lola from the Future even came back in time to host the pageant.

lf

Cuz Poncho and Michael don’t play.

Not with the rules (…Spoiler Alert:  Put that toy down, you greedy kid…) or with the pre-game State Fair festivities, which included games and rides and snow cones and a monkey drinking Windex.

monkeyicee

Oh.  And strippers.  With kids in the room.

stripper

Look at Magic Jimmy all like “Simmer down, honey.  You already got a horse in the barn.”cowboy

Megan whipped that iPhone out pretty fast, too, if you ask me.  But I’m not judging.

Her friend that cuts fabric down at Walmart is never gonna believe this one.iphoneAnd now that the lady folk were all wound up, it was time to get the 2 Day festivities started!

Finally, it was really Showtime!

Day 1:  Beauty and Swimwear.

ccc

Right out of the gate, things were a little awkward as both Cambrie’s Court and the Sassy Supremes were forced to share a makeup room.  It was all about tight quarters and even tighter hot rollers.bhurtsBecause Pretty is Painful, FYI.

redpretty-hurts-music-video-beyonce-part-2hotmessAnd Kim is always late, FYI.

ks1This time it was something about the flight just getting in and reading the text wrong and needing to feed the baby first because she’s a baby even though as soon as Kim got to the makeup room she sat Selyse down and fed her more cereal.  So I dunno.

I love her.  But she makes my head hurt sometimes.

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Disclaimer:  That wasn’t Kim or Selyse.  And you probably don’t want to try that at home.

Needless to say, Selyse had to skip the nails again and get snatched up by her Stylist Friend, who proceeded to run a full Spartan Iron Man course with a 3 year old sand bag under one arm.

relayThere was even an obstacle course that included stepping over empty Red Bull cans and racing up two flights of stairs.  Jesus take the Wheel.  And this baby, too, cuz she weighs a ton with all that hair.

Luckily, they ran right up to the lady with the iPhone chip reader who takes registrations, because Kim also forgot to sign Selyse up for this shindig while she was feeding her and misreading texts.

vest1

Look at how elaborate the back of that lady’s vest is.  Do you think she crocheted that herself?vestAfter a quick pit stop, they were $395 in the hole…but back in the race.

Selyse made it.  Barely.

So I guess nobody could notch out that curly piece of jigsawed plywood so every kid didn’t have to step up and over it before falling head first into the stage runway lights?

plywood I bet Brandon could’ve fixed that in under 3 minutes.  #SafetyFirst, of course.

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Clearly, the best part of the pageant was after they came off the stage, every child got to scoop up some stash from the massive International Fresh Faces Toy Toy Table.

toys

Because that’s what Poncho called it.  tinderBecause he couldn’t say Toy Table single…ular…ly.

Look at how precious.  What a little bird, right?

mp

As all that hilarity was ensuing, little peanut Kallyn was attempting to cross enemy lines and say hello to her friends in the Cambrie Camp.  Because she’s everyone’s friend.  Beautiful on the inside and outside.

By the time she hit the stage, it was all over.

kall

Cue the #ProudPoppaBear tears.

bAnd the #ProudMamaBear tears.  I knew she had it in her.

cry2#Deuces.

peaceCheck it out.  The middle judge totally matches that Marimekko chair.

middle kivet-chairs-blgoTo Infinity & Beyond Cute:  Caitlyn was next on stage and she rocked it as always.  Unfortunately, coming down from that performance high, she snatched up the wrong toy toy from the wrong toy toy table and got slapped down down by Poncho in front of everyone in the room.

You can not do that.

Relax, dude.  I think you got enough Banana Monkeys to go around.

banana Mom Charis was NOT happy.  She cried and then kinda blended into the background curtains.

charisMeanwhile, Piper was having a bad day.

She was grumpy and sleepy and her ginger weave was hurting her head every time someone clipped in a track.  Take it easy, woman.  I’m not wearing a flipper.

phAnd as if that wasn’t crazy enough, Mark and Elicia with an E had decided to enter Hallee into the competition wearing a pantsuit.

That’s right.  You heard me.

A.  Pant.  Suit.

Who does that?

hrcrainbowAt least it fit, thank you Jesus.

Side note:  Using all this pre-game chaos as a smokescreen, my Boo Jayliana and Mom Deb were huddled off in the corner trying to convince pint sized Kallyn to jump ship and join Cambrie’s Court…where you can ride magical unicorns and get collagen facials 24/7.

Not gonna lie.  It’s pretty awesome.

Not as awesome as your Dad’s pink shirt and definitely not as awesome as whatever’s happening to your hair right now…

lesson …but pretty awesome.

Deb actually said “Gimme Knuckles” and set the clock back to Jersey Shore time.

But let’s be real.

The best part of this entire 3 hour block was when Piper spied her sister Harlie scarfing down a lollipop and was all like ‘Where’d you get that?’ and Harlie was all like ‘What?  This?  This lollipop?  The lollipop that’s supposed to replace all the crowns and parental attention you’ve stolen from me over the years with not even an ounce of regret?  This lollipop?’

h

(…Sucking Noise…)h1

This one?h

If you’ve ever competed against a sibling in your lifetime, you just saw Jesus.

And then Jimmy got a text that Piper was supposed to already be on stage instead sitting there like leftovers with half her hair still in a bag.

Codeword: PANIC.  And SUCK IT IN.*
h3

*Save a horse.  Ride a Pageant Kid.

Side note:  Anyone else see that Park Ranger show up right when Piper was running out the door?  It happened so fast I couldn’t even catch it with a screenshot.  What was that all about?  Please tell me there aren’t animals in this one, too.  No more #PoopGate please.

pbaBut Piper made it on time.  Barely.

And then she just kind of stood there on stage like a stalled car for a second or two, which was just enough time for Michael to get a jump start on his 2017 taxes.

tax

And even though it shouldn’t really matter since the whole thing was a Face thing, it got her Mom so worked up that Katie had to go outside and take a few drags on her vaporizer and begin the Meltdown process.

Hallee nailed her pantsuit routine with some Bollywood fingers and #Sass.

hall psI don’t know anything, but I know that kid is gorgeous.

Ditto.  Lola.

lola1The Swimwear portion of the competition went off without any major drama, aside from Hallee’s parents forgetting her suit back at their condo.  Luckily, Dad was back there changing into a different polo shirt, so he came running over with suit in hand to save the day.

And it had sleeves.  Which the judges L-O-V-E-D.

All the kids 3 and under jumped around like they had beach sand in their suits, while the older kids all werked the stage like they were in an MTV video.  Shoutout to Jayliana.

tumblr_lq035of2qt1qbnfoaScore so far:  Bonus Points go to the Editing Dept. who cut right from a clip of Katie stating that all Cambrie’s Court Moms are classless to this Mom in the audience.

cutI see what you did there, TLC.

Day 2:  Talent.

The short version:  Hallee didn’t want to throw her tuck in rehearsal, which made her Mom blow a nutty and in turn made Hallee cry.  Cambrie came at her with sharp Q-Tips instead of Kleenex because she wasn’t gonna do her face over again.  Time is money.

tuck

Kailia was back on her suspended aerial Cirque du Soleil ring thing snapping her spine.

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And Britney Spears sang during the breaks.

britneyAll the kids did amazing.

And then finally…2 weeks and 3 hours later…it was time for Crowning!

iff And Drama.

Selyse only scored Beauty Alternate, which really pissed off Kim.  Without reading the rules, I’m gonna have to assume that means she is eligible to take over the crown if the reigning Miss Fresh Face is no longer pretty anymore and can no longer hold the title.  Is that right?

Jaimie/Adele was all like #ToldYouSo about that #LegitHotMess.

gmm

Cambrie was all like #OyVey.

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Kallyn got Queen.

Dad cried again and then Mom straight up Ugly Cried so hard the curl came out of her hair.

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Piper got another Beauty Alternate title and threw some gang signs and then Katie lost it.gangkPiper was robbed.  #ByeByeBitches.

And then…Wait.  What?

Did you…?  No way.

#MoreNisa.  Visit my Kickstarter Page.  I’ll pay if I have to.

Jayliana took Beauty Photo Supreme.

I love how Jayliana is always happy with whatever title she gets.  Even at Crossfit.

I was proud.  Mom was proud.  Deb even had a hazy dream sequence remembering all the times Mustache Guy lurked in the background for some reason.

mgSo take THAT and rewind it back, yo.

rewindtake-thatJayBae’s Mom got the beat to make your booty go (clap!)

Kailia scored First Place in the Talent category (…no surprise, girlfriend…) and then Lola took Grand Supreme, which came with a sparkly crown, an envelope full of hot cash and a role as Vanity from Apollonia 6 in the new Purple Rain reboot.

pr

Am I wrong?  Look at that doll.

Drumroll.

Ladies & Gentlemen.  You’re Ultimate Grand Supremes.

Ages 7-8:  Emily!  From the Dueling Cousins Show!  Hey, Mom!

Ages 9-11:  Hallee!

crw

Now everyone was crying and cheering and crying some more.

AND it was Hallee’s Birthday!  Best.  Present.  Ever.

They even took her out back and made her do that Sorority thing where you crawl under the legs of all your sisters and they spank you like a naughty girl.

Anyone else catch that player sneaking in for a touchdown when the game was already over?

play

You’re a Real Boy now, Pinocchio.playerAnd then it happened.

All the stress from an entire season of glitz pageantry and all the leftover Me & My Pet poop just hit the fan.  Hard.  In the hall.

Kim was doing one of her confessional interviews behind one of those accordion wall/door things…fight

…when she spied Lola’s Mom snooping through the cracks.

doorSide note:  I think I forgot to mention that Kim was hormonal.  And pregnant.

Hormonally pregnant.

Because that’s kind of important.

I see you out here.  You really want to do this?  Why you spying?
bring-it-miami-and-divas-and-dolls-oh-my-and-l-mcctuj

I know you’re in there talking s*** about Sassy Supremes.kourtney-kardashian-amaazing-look-starbucks

You wanna talk s*** about who’s talking s***?  You’re talking s***.  All season.toddlers-tiaras-when-its-slots-and-tots-and-l-l-cgz0_v

Jaimie even came out of her own interview for a second but then thought better.  Cleaning up this hot mess ain’t on the list, honey.

chores

And then this happened.bball_7_gif2

Dat’s rite.  Jessica threw her damn drink right in Kim’s damn face.

watermad-goldiewaterLook at how she even squeezed the cup to make sure the lid popped off.

This ain’t her first rodeo.

Jaimie came back out and tried to youtube the fight but had her phone facing the wrong way.

youtubeAnd then Jessica took off and left Kim and Jaimie alone in the hallway to have the most uncomfortable confrontation ever under the worst harsh lighting imaginable.

lightsIt was long and involved and exceptionally dramatic.

#ByeFelicia.

hotel

Jaimie busted out the back door and told somebody to either take off her dress or her live mic pack.  It wasn’t really clear and she was already out of the shot, so…

And then it was over.

Elicia called home to make sure this s*** was DVR’d and to remind the sitter to walk the Taco Bell dog.

phoneCambrie was still giving #Face and #Goals.

f1Jaimie was vowing to come back bigger and better next season.

joAnd I’m waaaaay past the word count they say makes for an enjoyable blog post.

So that’s it.

We made it through Toddler 2.0.

And I couldn’t have done it without you.  Really.

But I’m gonna leave before I get emotional.

bc

Let’s do it again soon.

Like next season, maybe…right, TLC?

Sparkle, baby.

Muah.toddlers-tiaras-beach-beach-baby-its-finally-l-3r6lsz

Toddlers & Tiaras: Beach Beach Baby Part Two. You Better Pack Your Shades And Smelling Salts For This Trip, Kids.

November 13th, 2016

ew

 

 

If they gave away this much shizz when I was working the circuit, I woulda scored big. Dang.

 

 

ah

 

 

 

While that baby’s screwing with her bubbles, hit me with track #2 and I’ll sing y’all a little sumthin.

 

thb

 

 

 

Pardon me, Miss, but am I the only one who recognizes that bouncer dude from The Matrix?

 

sh5

 

 

 

Remember the plan, old lady. You fake a major stroke and I’ll snatch up as many crowns as I can.

 

ah1

 

 

 

Sweetie, Imma need you to pitch down that Whitney a few notes. Mama’s not feeling it, mmmkay?

 

bl

 

 

 

Swear to Gawd if I open this door and she’s laying on the damn floor again, I’m gonna lose it…

 

 

 

‘Merica.

I swear.

rwb

You catch those elections?

Lawd ha’mercy.

lynda-carter-wonder-woman-viralnetics-10

Now I know how Sharilynne felt.

And speaking of.

Toddlers & Tiaras rode right in on the coattails of America’s Choice 2016 this week, making us all hit our head on the ground at least two more times with the conclusion of Universal Royalty‘s cliffhanger Beach Ball Beauty and Swim Suit Cutie Pageant.

Yup.  You heard me, America.  It’s true.

We chose a President AND a new Ultimate Grand Supreme all in the same week.

And we survived.

47kwlAnd we’re all still friends, because I said so.

Sparkle and Unite, baby.

Sparkle and Unite.

Once we get Sharilynne up off the floor, that is.

When we last saw our little heroes, that nice Production Lady with the walkie talkie had just stumbled upon the lifeless body of Mehalye‘s Mom laying behind her hotel room door.

Side note:  She wasn’t dead.  So that was good.

Side note 2:  How cool would it be if the government passed an ordinance requiring that everyone tape head shots to their front door like they do at this Ramada?  Think how festive every neighborhood across the country would look.  Unless you had some really ugly neighbors, I mean.

door

False alarm on the heart attack.  Turns out that Sharilynne had just slipped on a wet spot in the bathroom and not actually had a full stroke.  So that was also good.

sound

Nice Guy Award:  Sound Guy A got points for showing concern for Sharilynne’s wellbeing before proceeding with the next shot.  I’m assuming the ‘A‘ on his Beats by Dre was a nametag, unless he labels his ears ‘A‘ and ‘B‘ so he doesn’t put his earmuffs on backwards.

Or not.  I dunno.  Take what little I know about toddler pageants and divide it by a billion and that’s how much less I even know about television production.

I also have no idea why the bathroom floor was so wet when the housekeeping cart was right outside the room, fully stocked with sponges and towels and a guy just standing there who could have ShamWow‘d the moisture away with just the flick of a wrist.

hk8c8881134-shamwowguy-nbcnews-fp-1200-800He got arrested once, you know.

The ShamWow Guy.  Not the one standing there doing nothing.

article-2421116-1bd6d291000005dc-160_636x382But wait.  What?

What’s going on back there?

hkCloser, please.

the-shining1_zpszqzysnyi

I knew it!o-the-shining-facebookThose Tiara Twins are EVERYWHERE.

I love them!  And their parents.

I wonder if Ron is still holding that goat.

fight1Time Stamp:  We’re still on the first scene.

Clearly, Sharilynne was having some anxiety over her daughter’s hairstyle.

This little number.

hair379973You remember that from last week, right?

And as much as I love me some Top Hat Boyz

thb2…I’d be remiss if I did not correct them on their Krispy Kreme and point out that it’s actually Greek Easter Bread, which was verified by a post on her hairdresser’s Facebook page after the episode aired.

Look.  He’s like 12.img_7473hair1Don’t tell me you missed the part when Mehalye’s coach Nikki Oh Nikki You’re So Fine Nicole couldn’t even touch her hair because it was still hot from the oven?

Almost as hot as Sharilynne when she started to sweat again, I might add.

tumblr_nnscdqv11k1rfvajjo1_500 fantumblr_inline_mw8mavnf5h1s2e3mnPoor thing was having a rough day.

Maybe if she hadn’t been lugging that monster Little Mermaid prop all around the lobby, her radiator cap wouldn’t have popped off.  Just saying.

Eventually, Sharilynne and Mehalye made it up on stage with their tri-fold backdrop, beach stool, oversized sunglasses, treasure chest, bubble machine and some dude wearing Secret Service #NisaShades who could bench 625.

is

Please tell me you saw that guy.  All 370 lbs of him.

How rough does it get at these pageants?

I didn’t choose the Tiara Life.  The Tiara Life chose me, I guess.

And he was carrying a teeny tiny little plastic bubble machine that (…Spoiler Alert!…) didn’t even work like the directions said it would, like he was setting up a freakin’ JLo encore.  I swear.

Until my girl Miss Annette Hill shut the whole thang down, that is.

AwHellNaw.

anhYou’re not squirting bubbles all over my stage before the other girls do their #PrettyFeet.  It ain’t happening.  No, ma’am.  So you just pick up all your little toys and wait till the very end.

And tell your little friend in the sunglasses that he is FINE.

ann

MmmmmmMmmmm.  Mama likes.

I heart Annette so much that it gives me migraines.

After Mehalye & Co. left the stage with their Uhaul, Abby was up next.  She is soooo cute.

ac1

Side note:  Those are Cambrie‘s two Ultimate Supremes poking out right there in case you were wondering.  Check out Abby trying so hard not to look.

Cambrie Littlefield is #Goals.  Did I mention that yet this week?

booob1Naturally, the wrong music began playing for Abby, but she kept right on keeping on like a PRO and got the job done.  I swear, between Dance Moms and Toddlers & Tiaras…c’mon, people.  Doesn’t anyone know how to make a spreadsheet in Outlook?

Abby killed it.  Killed.  It.  Her Mom Christie was so proud that she even threw another fistful of $100 bills out the window of their private jet.  Because she can.

tumblr_inline_n96vunkmhd1sdanxjChristie cracks me up.  I love her, but I don’t understand why she hasn’t reached out to me and begun the adoption process yet.  City living ain’t cheap here, Mom.  Chop Chop.

And then Mehalye was back up on stage again with her tri-fold backdrop, beach stool, oversized sunglasses, treasure chest, bubble machine and dude wearing Secret Service #NisaShades who could bench 625.  Really.  For a second time.

isThat dude was everywhere.

There he is blocking another guy’s view of the whole show.

issAnd there he is taking a call outside.  It’s none of your business.

homebanner7Spoiler Alert:  He even changed his clothes and showed up during Crowning wearing an eye patch.

crowning

He wishes.

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After some additional last minute drama when Mom forgot to turn on Mehalye’s Little Mermaid light and the bubble machine refused to work, the show finally got started.

glasses fireSharilynne tried to get the audience worked up into a frenzy by doing an impromptu Wave, but the only person who even clapped along with the music was Halle Berry.

hbSide note:  This woman in the orange literally almost went into labor waiting for Mehalye to get her bubble machine s*** together.  I’m not even pregnant, but the way that guy two seats down is looking at her is making me extremely uncomfortable right now.

pregFYI:  Patootie Kaydence also performed, but I skipped over that part so I could show you these two pictures instead.  She’s so cute I just can’t right now.

rug kLook at her.  You just know her lipstick tastes like jelly beans.  So.  Cute.

Finally, it was time for Crowning!

And let’s be real.  Miss Annette Hill don’t skimp on the goods.  Check it out, yo.

p crown tb

Sashes.  Tiaras.  And freakin’ plastic beach pails full of teddy bears.  No…YOU shut up.

Ummm.  And excuse me?  A MR Universal Royalty sash?

mr

Why isn’t one of those in the mail already, woman?  You know I like to look pretty at the gym.

Jaimie/Adele wasn’t really in the mood this week as she sat next to KayKay’s Mom Autumn.

Not at all.  And she was clearly gonna lose it if Kaydence got one of those titles they give at the beginning that mean you’re out for the rest of the afternoon.

#PageantMath.

She even did Wendy Williams hands to prove her point.

wwj j giphy#NotVeryWellTodayThanks.

Check out how Autumn and that lady behind her both have the same face.

gurltumblr_m072lubij61qa38qko1_500The Short Version:  Kaydence got a Divisional Crown and lots of toys and had fun.

k1 k2Mehalye got a Divisional Crown and kinda sorta had fun even though her Mother was just about to melt down on national television.  Give it a minute.

mTime’s up.

Sharilynne fell apart, racing back upstairs to their hotel room to throw herself on the bed and apologize to Jesus for Mehalye’s hair and to demonstrate how your Dreams are sometimes just out of your reach by trying (…and failing…) to snatch the room service menu reminder off the console.

sh4tumblr_lgu4v6zjd71qfacmco1_1280 sh3tumblr_m8yjdczls81qz6h5zo1_500sh1Trust me.  There was a lot going on in that scene.

You should probably just watch it when you have time.

And then Princess Abby won Ultimate Grand Supreme and the crowd went wild!

acMom lost her noodle.

chCambrie hugged this kid but I don’t want to say anything in case he’s her brother.

Eye’s up, Sparky.

boyAbby was psyched!

abcrownabb

Jaimie and Nikki?  Not so much.

cryBut no time for tears.  It was time for pictures!

Except that nobody told Mehalye, who was already back upstairs getting ready to put on her un-BeDazzled bathing suit and hit the pool.  Luckily, Nikki got the call in just the Nikki of time and sent her back downstairs, where photographic chaos was already ensuing.

denzel

It was panic in the streets.  Kids were either running in sugar-induced circles or falling asleep on the stage while Miss Annette kept screaming “Look at Denzel and Oprah! Look at Denzel and Oprah!” like she was on the TMZ Tour Bus.

denzel-and-oprah

Check out Abby giving #SideEye to that Taylor Swift chick who couldn’t keep her hat on her head.

sideAnd is that baby levitating in thin air or what?

And then it was over.

Except for Sharilynne’s pseudoseizure, I mean.

giphy-2Which she had…30 mins after crowning.

def:  Psychogenic nonepileptic seizures (PNES) or pseudoseizures are paroxysmal episodes that resemble and are often misdiagnosed as epileptic seizures; however, PNES are psychological (i.e., emotional, stress-related) in origin.

In other words…

eyepsLook at those two poor EMTs who had no clue what they were walking into.

emtQ.  Is there a clause in the TLC contract somewhere that specifically states all men must wear sunglasses on their heads if they are to be a part of this show?  Because…you know.

fight

Christie, Hillary and Deb demonstrated Sharilynne’s scary symptoms.

ps1ps2hillary-seizure1dsBut thankfully, the cat scan came back negative and Mehalye’s Mom is back to…normal.allAnd then it was really over.

Psych.

Except for when next week’s episode started a week early.  Because, you know…Toddler 2.0.

And it was all about The Face.

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The Face.

The International Fresh Faces Pageant, to be exact.  The Big Kahuna.

The last competition of the season.  Like Dance Moms Regionals.  Or the Super Bowl.

No Ugly Kids Allowed.

They didn’t say that, exactly.  But it was implied.  And it’s probably on the flyers.

Look at her dog.
jjI have no idea who this lady is.newBut I know Kim and Selyse are back to seek revenge on the Sassy Supremes.3n

And Kim is once again with child, as they say.

But there are so many unanswered questions that will have to wait until next week.

Like why Cambrie held a team meeting in a LensCrafters store.

e2 eyes

And where Jaimie has been hiding that drop dead cute kid Lola all this time?

lola

And why anyone thought it was okay to lock tiny Selyse in the same empty Time Out Room where they used to stick Ryan Lochte every time he acted up on Dancing With The Stars.

toAnd why neither Ryan Lochte nor a 3 year old toddler could figure out the back door was wide open?

tumblr_inline_mkam3wpfvc1qz4rgpAnd then it was really over.  F’realz.

Until next week, that is.

When all our questions will be answered.

Or not.

Either way, I’m out.

Gimme Five.high-five-failAnd gimme Face.

giphy-1sugar-2

Toddlers & Tiaras: Beach Beach Baby. It’s Finally Time To Make Some Waves With Universal Royalty Pageants.

November 6th, 2016

attic

 

 

I have a special pink room upstairs with no doorknobs or windows just for Eden. She’s pretty.

 

 

ahair

 

 

You get them curls on point, girl. I know that little man and his blog are coming for me this week.

 

 

stove

 

 

So, yeah. $8,000 on a teacher’s salary is basically why I do all my cooking on that plastic stove back there…

 

 

ewdi

 

 

I know I didn’t come back just so TLC could pimp all their new shows in my shot. Get this s*** off my patooties.

 

spray

 

 

 

I don’t even work for that lady and she sprayed her stuff in my face when I got off the elevator.

 

ah6

 

 

 

Lawd Geezis! She got that baby right in the eyes. She’s blind now but her skin is like buttah.

 

sh5

 

 

 

And by ‘pretty’…I mean I’m pretty sure I’ll find Eden Wood some day and keep her up there forever.

 

 

 

Wait.  What?

Why you crying, Boo?

It’s only been a week.

toddlers-and-tiaras-crying

Really.  Stop it.

Toddlers & Tiaras is back already.  It’s ok.

No more tears, please.  We only like #HappyEyes here.

Well hydrated, wrinkle-free #HappyEyes.  Which (…Spoiler Alert!…) are way easier to attain than you might think, even if your orbs are still burning from last week’s Me And My Pet Pageant PoopFest.

So stay tuned for all the details.  I wouldn’t joke about crows feet on a 5 year old.

And neither would my Pageant Coach/Internet Girlfriend Cambrie Littlefield, who kicked off this week’s episode by taking the entire Cambrie’s Court contingent back to Amnesia Salon & Spa to celebrate last week’s poop-free victory and get yet another one of her favorite hangouts some free advertising.

spa1cLook at me when I’m talking to you, woman.  I see what you did there.

But it’s all good.  The kids deserved a congratulatory Spa Day, especially since they would be going back up against the Sassy Supremes at this week’s upcoming competition.

Cue the Split Screen.

ssDat’s rite.  You heard me.  After a brief hiatus, Jaimie and the Sassy Supremes were back!

And back with a vengeance, apparently.  Just check out the action over at Supreme Headquarters.

Surrounded by her Supreme Squad, some seriously retro ’50s window coverings and a whole bunch of snacks, Jaimie laid out the game plan for this week’s Universal Royalty Pageant.  S² was back, yo.
j

And all the Sassy Moms were eating it up.  Literally.  Like soldiers preparing for battle.

All of them except for that one in the back, that is.  The one who couldn’t stop looking at whatever was happening up on the ceiling.  She even stopped eating a slice of pizza to check out the action.ss2

Whoa.  Now it’s over there.ss1

And now it’s back over there.ss3That little Mom who called Cambrie’s Court ‘Criminal Court’ is gonna hit her head on that kitchen cabinet if she gets herself any more worked up over the competition.

And isn’t that third Mom the one with the husband who always wears cowboy hats and almost threw down in a hotel lobby a few weeks ago?

Thought so.tumblr_mwtco7tntn1qde4uko1_500So the (…alleged…) word on (…Jaimie’s…) street was that all the UR Pageants were fixed.  Straight-up rigged so that Cambrie’s girls would always win.  Jaimie said it on camera.  I think she even sang it once.

a25_adele_560x375

One:  Gurrrl, I do NOT wanna be around when UR Pageant Director Annette Hill hears dat.
2Two:  Gurrrl, I do NOT wanna be around when UR Pageant Director Annette Hill hears dat.

I love Jaimie, tho.  And Adele.  And Jaimie/Adele.

And this show.  Times Infinity.

Back at the Spa, where (…holla!…) Cambrie gets her own hair did, FYI…

chd

…the Court Coach was reliving some of the most emotionally scalp-scarring moments from her own pageant career:  Split Ends and Breakage.

True Fact:  Jackin’ it to Jesus can take a toll on a girl.

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And don’t even get me started on #HappyEyes of the #TexasTease.

But have no fear, America.

Cambrie’s Collagen Spray© is here!  And only 19.99 if you order before midnight tonight.

I know, right?  Cambrie Littlefield has a line of Pageant Products?  Who knew?  Because I didn’t.

Probably because she hasn’t sent me any free samples.

Or maybe because my mall doesn’t have a Pageants ‘R’ Us store yet.  Or both.

Regardless, I have no real excuse for my ignorance surrounding this necessary and life changing aerosol-free spray that not only miraculously restores elasticity to your damaged hair but also undoes all the wrinkly old lady creases you get from squinting while you finger kiss.

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#HappyEyes.

And #Goals.  I heart Cambrie a little too hard sometimes.

Side note:  When that P’R’Us store does sign the lease and that last Radio Shack finally moves out, you just know one of those Nisa Hooper Throwing Shade Sunglass Hut kiosks is gonna open up right in front of their damn door and the shizz is really gonna start hitting the fan.

Which reminds me.  No Nisa again?

nocryYeah.  What she said.

Anyway.

Cambrie had all the women yank out each other’s hair…tumblr_mczfcasmet1ql5yr7o1_400 giphy tumblr_mlbbfzaoro1ql5yr7o1_500…and then coat the strands with a few squirts of magic collagen made from the tears of unicorns…

cs…and suddenly the hair was not only invisible, but also stretchy and now stood a much better chance of actually making it all the way to Jesus without breaking off like uncooked Wednesday night spaghetti.

And then all the kids took it in the face.imagecoll1anigif_enhanced-buzz-8975-1359400095-0coll4

How do you feel about that?

cambrie z-formationSide note:  Look at Jayliana‘s Mom Deb when all this was going down.  Really?

d

I don’t think so.

And that guy with the visor on his head wasn’t buy it, either.  These kids are kids.

tumblr_n3kfs0rbjc1svlvsyo2_250Deb couldn’t even deal and went home to have another cocktail on the couch…

40

…where she lost her shoe again, forgot what year Jayliana was born and now I love her even more.

Side note #2:  Isn’t that Mustache Guy again?  Hit me.

mgtumblr_mr0svktnny1qf7ds7o4_250Finally, we moved on to some town that was clearly in the middle of a life threatening drought and met our first little contestant, who was trying her darnedest to paddle up a dried-out river bed and make it to safety before her teddy bear passenger got heat stroke and died in a pool of his own furry sweat.

boatMeet  5 year old Kaydence and her Mom Autumn.

k3 autKaydence liked baitin’ a slimy hook and fishin’ and huntin’ a whole bunch better than she liked getting her makeup done for pageants.  Getting that same wormy hook right in the eye might even be more fun for tiny KayKay than pageants, if we’re being completely honest.

But she was so cute that she can do whatever she wants.  She has my permission.

kMom was super smiley and nice and I pegged her as either a nurse or a teacher before she even blurted out that she taught school children for a measly $38,000.

People in Charge of Paying Teachers:  Shame on you for not paying our teachers more.

They’re grooming the future of our country, fercryinoutloud.  And that’s not even sarcasm.  The part about Autumn cooking dinner in an EasyBake Oven and hoping her husband doesn’t find out that $8,000 went to pay for Kaydence’s pageants instead of a new muffler might be…but gah.

And then the Gods of Reality Television gave us an early holiday gift.

They gave us this.
sh1

And this.all

And all of this.allredPageant Mom Sharilynne and 8 year old Mehalye have arrived, America.
eyedeershmtumblr_mka8a17otk1s67vyfo4_250Exactly.

Love.  Them.

And it doesn’t hurt that Mehalye is coached by Nikki Nicole, who made it to the last round of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Day Camp.  Because, you know…Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Day Camp.

That’s Nikki Nicole right there, calling her lawyer because I called it Day Camp when I know better.

nn2Side note:  Mehalye also knows how to do the Cowboy Dip and you don’t.

Drop it like you’re diving for cover under the saloon table, girlfriend.

doorQ.  If that Christmas wreath around the deer head catches on fire, how are they gonna get out when the couch is blocking the door?  Or better yet, why are there two doors side by side in that house? And please tell me this episode was shot during the holiday season and that Sharilynne is not just one of those people who leave their lights up all year long?

I.  Love.  This.  Show.

Almost as much as Sharilynne loves Eden Wood.

Almost.

You remember Eden, right?

One of the breakout stars from Toddler 1.0.

tumblr_m1gmn8l9mi1r9d1cl

She sang that song ‘Cutie Patootie’ and had this whole situation going on in her room.

Eden even had her own spin-off show where her Mom Mickie would always fight with their old red haired manager.  The one who always wore khakis.  And there was also another guy who carried a little dog around all the time but I forget his name.  edensworldI think this is Eden, too.  If it’s not, it’s still trippy.

tumblr_lr8kv29ou71qdaej0o1_500There was also a whole lot of post-show drama that caused Eden to don a black wig and temporarily go undercover, just like when Luke and Laura had to leave Port Charles to escape the Mob.

jolrsd143 thIt’s a long story.  Google it, because I’m not sure if any of it is actually true.

But Sharilynne LOOOOOOOVES Eden.  That part I know is true.  You just wait.

First we had to meet 10 year old Abby and her Mom Christie and Christie’s black Amex.

a1 m1

Abby was redoinkulously cute.  Like Alfalfa from The Little Rascals.  But with a bow.

abby alfalfa

And way more money.

Like $1,800 for a dress.  And $650 for something I forgot to write down.  And $250 for hair.  And $35 for a spray tan not done on your kitchen table.  And $200 for flippers.  And something else that her Mom rattled off but the sound of my bouncing rent check drowned her out.

tumblr_inline_n96vunkmhd1sdanxj$16,000-17,000 dolla make me holla dollas.

And a privat jet.  Did I mention that yet?

h2Side note:  Her hangers don’t all match.

hanger

You can fly all around the planet on a private jet, chewing on $200 worth of vinyl teeth…but Mama can’t pick up a case of Huggable Hangers on HSN?  #NotJudgingTho

Look at how cute she is.  Really.

wtf

Side note #2:  Cambrie showed up in her daytime au natural makeup and broke the internet.

clFinally, it was Showtime!

And time for my girl Annette Hill to arrive.

ahtumblr_inline_ocefszbiuk1so6h58_500ah1Mama don’t wear no bun no more, boyeeez.

Annette is the Queen.

If it twinkles, sparkles or sounds like Motown…yes, please.

But more than ONE winner?  Excuse me?

You don’t see 4 Miss Americas when the show’s over, do you?

You know that’s right.

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This week was divided into 2 categories:  Beach Ball Beauty and Swimsuit Cutie.

And the whole shebang was chock full of celebrity guest judges and bad hair choices.

Like poor Mehalye, whose brand new Hair Lady sent this creation down the runway:

chair

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

First, the judges.

Yaaaaas, Gawd.  The Top Hat Boyz!  Both of them.

This one…

toddlers-tiaras-shut-the-air-lock-and-shut-it-l-9o8_vz

And this one…Full Disclosure:  Those are old photos to prove my point that the Boyz were only given 12 seconds of screen time this week and that there was not nearly enough glittery goodness to capture multiple shots.

Shame on you America for underpaying our teachers and not giving the THBz enough FaceTime.

And Mickie Wood!

mw1

Wait.  What?

Mickie?  Does that mean…?

mw

Dial it down, honey.

Don’t even tell me…or Sharilynne, God help us…that Eden Wood is in the building.  Don’t.
poltergeist_shot8l

Too late.  She’s baaaaaaack.ewewthbBonus Points for that Top Hat #SideEye.  Snap, gurl.  Take my screen time, bitch?

Sharilynne lost her noodle.  And her glasses.  She cried so many times I lost track.glasses cryTo lighten the mood, here are the two girls who hand out samples at Sephora every weekend.

sephSomewhere in all of this hilarity was also when Mehalye sat in the lobby with her (…Spoiler Alert…) #KrispyKremeHair, refusing to do her on-camera interviews until Mom greased her #DonutHead and palm with a crisp new Andrew Jackson.

$10 Poorer:chair

$10 Richer:chair1If I got 10 bucks every time I had a bad hair day in grade school…srsly.

Since this is another 2-parter and we wasted so much time making collagen jokes, I should probably speed this up a little by just hitting the high points until next week.

Mehalye’s #KrispyKremeHair was a big hit with the Boys.  While the one on the left got hilariously snarky about her #DonutHead, the one on the right literally licked his lips just thinking about a hot one rolling down the conveyor belt.  You think they buy those suits off the rack?  Cuz I’m kinda digging ’em.

thbLook.  Marcy likes donuts, too.

m

Sharilynne cried again and then crazy laughed, which now haunts even my waking moments.crazyAll the kids were cute on stage.  They always are.

aba kbaCambrie kicked #DonutHead out of the lobby chair so she could plop herself down in her new Miss Universe couture and pretend she was at a Real Housewives Reunion Show or something.

Girlfriend knows good lighting when she sees it.

rholv#Goals.

The producers got a little shady and did a flashback with Mickie Wood’s old hair and face.

mw2

A couple of Moms and coaches gave hand cues, which we all know by now is not cool.

And then the TLC censors tried to cover up Cambrie’s full frontal with yellow Lady Gaga tape because there were so many kids in the ballroom.  Nice try, guys.  It can’t be done.boob gagathumbclboob

#Goals.

And then it was over.

Well.  Except for the part where Sharilynne went back upstairs and passed out behind her hotel room door while somebody was trying to dismantle Mehayle’s #DonutHead and somebody else with a walkie talkie was trying to come in to ask some questions.

rawdoor2

Side note:  That lady took her sweet time putting down that boom mic before coming to Sharilynne’s rescue, but I know those things are expensive.

And then it was really over.

Until next week, I mean.

…to be continued.

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