Dance Moms: Abby’s Back…And She Brought Tiny Reenforcements. It’s The Invasion Of The All-New ALDC Minis!

February 10th, 2016

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The girls said you can flip the camera lens and just look at yourself all day. This is life changing.

 

 

mel

 

 

Someone is literally gonna have to sit on me if that new lady says one more thing about Boo’s pigtails.

 

 

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I’ve never actually watched the show before. Do I kiss her ring now or how does this all work?

 

 

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Please forgive me. I promise to go home and watch all the Sia videos tonight. Just don’t hurt my family.

 

 

air1

 

 

Trust me. You’re not even worth my hair, which cost a whole lot more than that Flintstones blouse.

 

 

 

k1

 

 

It’s true. I swear to Gawd. Last week when she took the hot rollers out it was like this big. No lie.

 

 

ao

 

 

Before you make any Orange Is The New Black jokes, keep in mind that I got four lawyers on speed dial, ‘kay?

 

 

 

It’s true.

What they say, I mean.

Big Things do come in Little Packages.

Especially when you’re talking Diamonds.  And Mama Drama.

Just ask the new ALDC Minis.  About the Mama Drama part, anyway.

For such tiny little nuggets, these (…Spoiler Alert…) 5 new little girls have certainly brought along enough baggage (…both emotional and over-sized Vera Bradley…) to the party in their first month at the ALDCLA.

Or at least their Mamas have.

The kids only seem to be in charge of Big Smiles and Big Bows so far.

Spoiler Alert #2:  Look at JoJo checking out the new little squirt who arrived this week, like the kid just showed up trying to start a hair bow turf war or something.

bbowBut that’s really jumping ahead in the story.

And now I’ve ruined the surprise when Mini Numero Cinco gets here.  My bad.

Back to the beginning.

As  we settled in for another Dance Moms episode, the Original Recipe Moms were arriving at the ALDCLA mothership, which I took to mean that everyone was going to be allowed back inside the building after last week’s lock-out.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  My MomCrush was hooched up (…before lunch, FYI…) in the same shiny black leather stiletto shoe booties that Nicole Scherzinger wore in one of the Pussycat Dolls music videos.  I forget which one, but I think it was the one where she got really sweaty and kept putting her leg up on one of those Barre Method ballet barres.

Nicole, I mean.  Even tho I can totally see Jill taking a class at Pure Barre just so she can say she takes classes at Pure Barre and then have a guilt-free Starbucks.

(I swear those two businesses are in cahoots to take people’s money, because they’re always on the same block and have the same hours of operation.)

Haters gonna hate, but I love Jill.  Almost enough to justify the restraining order she put out on me last season.  Almost.

And Abby Lee Miller was back.  Finally.  Kinda.  Sorta.

Oddly MIA for two weeks after resigning from her own Life, Abby had decided to return and was basically just phoning in her job for the first 10 minutes of the show as the Moms tried to figure out what her dealio was this week.  Holly even compared it to a military invasion, which was probably a lot closer to reality than she realized.

Side note:  If you’re pressed for time and need to go, this #HollyFace pretty much sums up the remainder of the episode:

hf

Thanks for stopping by, tho.

And the Pyramid of Shame was back, too.  Super-sized.  Now with Minis!

Full disclosure:  It was basically the same Pyramid with a bunch of Mini head shots underneath, but the new kids seemed pretty excited to see themselves on a national television network.  So there’s that, I guess.

And, honestly, I don’t even remember much about the Pyramid except for the part when Abby revealed Nia and Kalani’s faces and decided that Black History Month was a good time to dissect their African Dance Duet.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Abby said that Kalani was “A little bit more African than Nia…”

Will-Smith-OMG-Expression-On-Fresh-Prince-Of-Bel-Air

…and that it made sense for Nia to do the dance because she was African American.

giphy-1OhNoSheDin’t.

I was all like…
2015 - 1Holly was all like…tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500

And then Holly did this.  And this.  And this.  And this.

Feel free to add your own dialogue.   h h2 h1 h4Study note:  There will be a geography quiz at the end of the episode, so make sure you know where Africa, America and Pittsburgh are…and the difference between the three, you crazy whack job dance studio owner.

I love Holly too much when she’s laying down #HollyLaw.

This week, the gang was headed to another Devotion 2 Dance Competition.

The Minis would be performing a ‘Cavemen Under Cover’ group dance while the Big Girls would be ‘Better Off Now’ with Brynn playing the role of Maddie in their own group number.  Because Maddie was still off doing her movie.  Still.

Tiny Alysa (…with one ‘S’…) scored the only solo this week, which gave her Mom Mary yet another opportunity to let us all know that she had sacrificed soooo much to be here at the ALDCLA.  We get it.

You gave up a lot.  You left your family and kids behind.

Maybe you could tell that story to Evan Frazier who’s sitting at home right now looking for the damn can opener.  Or Erno Vertes, who thought groceries just magically appeared in the refrigerator every week.  Or Greg Gisoni, who’s already lost the garage remote three times and is taking AA batteries out of the smoke detectors instead of going to CVS.

I’m pretty sure everyone’s given up a little sumthin sumthin.  Just saying.

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And then Jill and Ashlee went at it again.

Same argument.  Different outfits.  Don’t talk smack about my kid.  I’m not talking smack about your kid.  Yes, you are.  No, I’m not.

Jill was all like (…bleep…) you.

jfuAshlee was all like don’t tell me to (…bleep…) you, because I will.  So hard.

afu

Oh, really?

real1Really.

real

You’ve got a fat a**.

Well, you’re old.

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No lie.

It went on for like 20 minutes and Ashlee still couldn’t get the cap off her water bottle.  You see that?  And what is Melissa always eating?  Because it looks mighty tasty.

Once the dust settled, newbie Mini Kendall finally showed up.  Two hours late, thank you.

Clearly, she was tardy because they stopped to put her birth certificate into the Toddlers & Tiaras Name Generating Machine and watch it spit back out as Kendyl, just to mess up my spellcheck and prevent her from being confused with the other Kendall that was already on the payroll.

This show.  I swear.

Too bad her Mom, Lynn (…who managed to hold onto all her consonants in transit…) has never watched it, tho, because she came in through the side door going on and on about how she didn’t want her daughter in a negative, stressful environment and that they were just here to dance at the ALDC.

Ok.  You just keep telling yourself that, honey.

kidThat bow big enough, BTW?

These little Minis are so Ka-Yooot I can’t stand it.

With only 2 days to go, Holly and Jesslaynn took Ashlee out back behind the dumpster for what I initially thought was going to be a beatdown, but turned out to only be a pep talk about being a Team Player.

I guess we’ll see have to wait and see who gets survives and who gets voted off  the Dance Moms Island as the season progresses, right Jess?

jsSide note:  Lynn busted into the studio and interrupted Abby’s rehearsals at least 7 times before she was finally shut down and sent back to the other Moms in tears.  Honestly, even if you’ve never seen the show, I don’t know how many fingers you need to lose before you stop sticking your hand in the monkey cage, lady.

l1And then Melissa wanted in on some of this New Mom Fun.

Learn from Mama Corleone-Gisoni, people.  This is how ‘this’ works.

giphySide note:  Kerri called Melissa the ‘Godfather’ later in the episode when Lynn started making fun of Mackenzie’s pigtails, but I couldn’t wait any longer to use that clip.

Side note Numero Due:  I’m the only one allowed to make fun of the pigtails.

Capiche?

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Side note Numero Tre:  Somebody had a yellow slurpee cup from Which Wich sandwich shops behind them on the viewing steps which caused quite an uproar on Twitter.

IMG_1250I’ve never been to one myself, but everyone was going on and on about how good the food was and now I want to use the residuals (…that Lifetime should have been paying me all these years for pimping out their show…) to open a franchise, even though it looks exactly like a Subway sandwich in a different piece of wax paper.

Power of: Social Media.

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Finally, it was Showtime!

For this guy, anyway.

3872959826_2aed9b9de5_oSrsly.  Where was everybody?

Nobody was outside waiting for the bus to arrive.  No screaming kids with blinged-out iPhones.  No glitter paint poster paper signs.  Nuthin.

Nuthin inside, either.  It was freaky.  Nobody could figure it out.

Lynn was trying to dial down her NewMomSpaz as everyone got ready for the competition in the back room, but it wasn’t working very well.  You could tell it wasn’t going to last very long.  The Calm Before the Storm, as it were.

Alysa’s solo was all cute and stuff, but once you’ve seen Asia Monet Ray get all sassy pants all over a stage…well…Game Over.

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And besides.  Abby doesn’t do cute.  At least not this week.

Back at the makeup tables after the routine, the whole thing somehow went form worse to worser when Lynn mimicked Mackenzie’s 26 years of pigtails and Glitz Pageant posing.

Like this.mzExcuse me?

mkzThat’s when Melissa threatened to chew Lynn’s face off and when Kerri called her the Dance Moms Godfather.kk

That’s also when Holly tried to intervene but then realized Lynn wasn’t worth the air required to put up a fight and decided to tune her right out for the remainder of the day.

You just keep talking to yourself, woman.

Once the Minis were all ratted up and put into their Pebbles and Bam Bam outfits, Abby noted that only NOW did they finally look like ALDC dancers.  bbam

Because you know how Abby does love herself a good mile-high.

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The Minis finally hit the stage, swinging Cro-Magnon clubs around like I don’t know what until the newest of the new dropped hers on the ground and caused so much prehistoric drama that you would have thought the dinosaurs unthawed.

Brynn did a great job leading the ALDC group routine, giving face all the way to the empty cheap seats in the back.

Really.  Did they even have the date right?  Where is everyone?

When it was all over, both the Minis and the Junior Team (…and, from what I could tell, about 9 other dancers from who knows where…) laid around on the empty stage floor waiting for awards to be handed out.

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Unfortunately, Alysa lost a couple more letters in her name as well as the First Place spot.

Second Place would have to do, even though we all know what Abby thinks of that title.

Both the Minis and the Big Girls took home First Place trophies and yet still managed to find something for their Moms to all complain about outside on the way to the cars.

Each other, basically.

Ashlee didn’t get it.  Lynn really didn’t get it.  Jill wanted to give it to Ashlee right between the eyes.  And Melissa knew people who could make it happen, but you didn’t hear it from her, of course.  Let’s keep that in the Dance Moms Family.

And then Abby peaced out…and flaked out…as soon as they were out of the building.

Maybe she’d be back.  Maybe not.  Maybe she’d get rid of all the Minis.  Maybe not.

Brynn could stay for now, tho.

At least we got that much out of Abby before she bolted in the rental.brNo big fight this time.  No real last minute drama.

The whole thing just fizzled out and ended pretty much the same way it started.

Right, Holly?

hf

So, yeah.  I guess we’re done here.

See you next time.

Or not.

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Bring It!: Toto…pleez. Dana And Arthur And That Hair? Oh, My! I Don’t Think We’re In Jackson Anymore, Miss D.

February 7th, 2016

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If you want the truth, I didn’t even know it was Halloween. This is just my Saturday hair, yo. Hootie Boo!

 

 

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MmmmmHmmmm. You know dat’s rite. I’m back and giving out Purple Nurples to all the haters.

 

 

s2

 

 

Thank you, Lifetime, for finding a lady crazier than me. Now I can just be the Pretty One.

 

 

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All I wanted was to find true love, get one of those damn roses and make Stand Battle Cuts.

 

 

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Sucks to be you. Now just scoot along before a house falls on you and I steal those fabulous shoes.

 

 

twig

 

 

Lawd, pleez…not that Tawantza again. If I could remember where I left my hair I would pull it all out.

 

 

sh

 

 

I was pregnant for TWO years with my baby and that’s not even the craziest s*** on this show.

 

 

 

Boo!

I mean…Hey, Boo!

Don’t be scared.  It’s just Halloween at the Dollhouse Dance Factory.

You heard me.  Bring It! was breaking it down and taking it all the way to SpookyTown this week at the Buck Up Or Fall Back Competition, which meant that we were all guaranteed enough tricks and treats to fill even the biggest Michael Kors candy bag.

Every weekend event is a big deal for Dianna Williams and her Dancing Dolls.  We know that by now.  But it’s an even bigger deal so when it’s a holiday spectacular and you’re going back up against your hometown rivals the Purple Diamonds.

The PDs.

Led by coach Shanika Lee and her aeropilates arms.  You see them biceps?

Dang, gurl.  You snapped back good after being pregnant for almost 2 1/2 seasons.

Shanika got it going on.  But that ain’t all.

In addition to capturing the Guinness world record for the longest gestation period evah and losing all her baby fat over the course of one weekend, Shanika had also somehow managed to steal two former Dancing Dolls away from the Dollhouse.

Dat’s rite.

Tamia

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…and ZaTia

za…were finally back on our TVs.  Yaaaaas!  We love them.

Where you been, gurlz?  Sup wid dat?

There are urban legends that go on for days about why Tamia really left the Dolls.

Everything from this to that and back again.  Kind of like Big Foot or the Loch Ness Monster…some things will forever remain a mystery to mankind.

ZaTia, on the other hand, is a whole different story.  We know what happened there.

Her Mama is straight up crazy.

bring-it-dancing-dolls-for-life-right-psychma-L-GGuZvyStraight up.  From the bottom up.  From the basement to the penthouse.

With no elevator stops in between.

But we love her.  Mad love.

For her…and for everything that comes with being Tawantza.

Unfortunately, Miss D didn’t feel the same last season when she sent Tawantza and her crazy headband packing after one last sidewalk blowout.  Lucky for us, tho, Tawantza landed right on the doorsteps of the Purple Diamonds.

And the world will never be the same again.

You just hold that thought for a few more commercials, ‘kay?

This week, the Dolls would be competing in both Stand Battle and a Halloween-themed Creative Dance category, which was going to be the most elaborate piece o’ work ever attempted by Dianna and her team.

Spoiler Alert:  Glow In The Dark.  Like TRON.

tumblr_lhf06gps4m1qcsioio1_500But first, it was time to rehearse some choreography while the Mamas all filed into the seasonally decorated IKEA Showroom/Viewing Lounge.  Shoutout to Party Warehouse for the spooky ambiance.  Check’s in the mail.

Gotta say.  It was quite festive back there.  All thanks to New Mama Dana, who popped up from behind the cobweb covered cushions all like…

tumblr_njfofsUS6N1tfrqxeo1_500…but actually more crazy like…

da1…which made everyone else get all like…mYup.  She’s crazy.

Between the two teams, the Dolls and Purple Diamonds have had a long history of highs and lows…and booty slaps…if you count that one time the PDs spanked all their dignity away after snatching First Place from the Dolls.  Remember that?  Who does that?

Granted, it was almost worth it just to see the face that then-Captain Kayla made as it was happening.  But, really…who does that?  Please don’t ever do that again.

While the Purple Diamonds were busy working on a sisterhood-themed Stand that would highlight how they happily took two Dolls away from Dianna, the Dancing Dolls were ironically also working on a performance that would let the world know that once you’re a Doll…you’re always a Doll.

Hold that thought, too, while you check out this SideEye.

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The other major players in this week’s competition were the Columbus Jaguars and their thirsty coach Arthur Harris, Jr.

Yup.  They’re baaaaack.

Arthur was the one who left that note on the door of the Dollhouse last time, talking smack about how the Jaguars were gonna eat the Dolls for lunch and blah to the blah to the blah.

If You’re Keeping Score Department:  After posting the note, the Jaguars got eliminated so fast in the First Round that they never even got to the table for that meal.  So you already knew they were coming at the Dolls with a hearty appetite this time around.

Srsly.  Now they were hungry AND thirsty.

If you’ve never had the pleasure of meeting Arthur, lemme break it down for you.

Take this little boy on the left from last year’s school uniform mailer, but buzz his hair and make his shirt more of a J.Crew pink…

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…layer him up in a comfy sweater…

anigif_enhanced-1308-1392266233-1-1…throw in some of Morticia Adams‘ floral arranging skills…

b36d0d9dea2a38d0acb60ea81f985285…and then finish it off with this chick…

tumblr_inline_mnzv38f96S1qz4rgp…and you basically just built yo’self an Arthur 2.0…

roseWho.  We.  Love.

And it gets even better.  Because in lieu of an actual severed horse’s head, dude totally FedEx’ed a box of black roses to the Dollhouse with a ‘See You At Your Own Funeral’ note, which wasn’t scary or insane at all.

It was, however, enough of an excuse for the DDPs to host a mock funeral out back in the IKEA Lounge and allow my girl Tina to air out her scalp for a few minutes when she popped her wig onto fake-Arthur’s dead body during the service.

t1 t2This show.  I swear.  A billion heart emojis.

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The next day was when the party really got started, tho.  F’real.

A DDP Halloween party!

Seloncé and Dana showed up as a Naughty Devil and Crazy CatLady, respectively.

dsTina high-kicked in as one of those lederhosen boys who always lose their passports and then black out during Oktoberfest.

tinaNo lie.  She totally came into the room like this…

oktSide note:  They do this upside down thing at Oktoberfest for some reason and I was totally hoping the DDPs might give a try, but realistically…with all those weaves…I knew it would just be asking for trouble.

tumblr_inline_nr63mzHtya1tvhb9c_1280Mimi even showed up in some kind of 50/50 combination getup that was half Tawantza and half skeleton in a monk’s hoodie.  I didn’t ask.

I just know that I love that lady too much sometimes.

You think she sleeps in that glitter eye liner?  Because that can’t safe.

mimiFashion Alert:  Seloncé and this hair wrap/scarf thing.  Mama knows she looks good.

2As the competition grew closer, more Dolls were cut from the Stand Battle.  Which didn’t sit well with Dana because, you know…the whole ‘FaithFaithFaithFaithFaith’ thing that has been going on since Day One.

Dianna eventually decided to add a second tier of girls back into the routine, but not until Dana swooped into the office to plead her case for Faith when nobody was looking.

Whether Miss D’s choice to put more dancers back on the floor had anything to do with Dana’s visit or not will always be another one of those Urban Legends that we’ll probably never know the answer to, but nobody cared as long as their kids were back in the spotlight.  So thanks, Dana.  Maybe.  Or not.

da2 (1) Finally, it was Showtime!

And time for my boy Jay-Z Fever For The Flava to grab the emcee mic again.

jfLooking Fly as always, the only thing square about this dude is that hanky that’s always hanging out of his suit pocket.  Let Jay Fever show you how it’s done, boys.

After letting his trusty side-kick Antwon McClain take over the reigns last week, JF was back in a grey suit and back in bidnezz.

Side note:  I would kill to cruise around town with Jay and Twon while they’re jamming to mix tapes.  You just know they got the beat dropping all like…

batman_robin_noddingJackson’s Dynamic Duo.

Speaking of.  Here’s another photo of Dana from the Halloween party that I forgot to show you.  Look at her just laying there waiting for Mimi to bring her some more snacks.

4110517-6917709471-catwoAs Dianna and Arthur bumped into each other in the back hallway, because…you know…the Weekly Back Hallway Bump, the DDPs were all getting situated in the bleachers in their second Halloween costume change of the episode.

Srsly.  Lifetime TV must have the same costume budget Cher has for her Vegas gigs.

Sister Tina was all settled in…

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…judging and praying for everyone like a Boss as the smoke machine kicked in and the Purple Diamonds hit the parquet with a Michael Jackson Thriller-looking routine.

Bonus Points:  Awarded to Kayla for some crazy white jumpsuit situation Mad Scientist/Back To The Future/Skeletor/Colonel Sanders from the KFC bucket costume.

I don’t really know what was going on, but the goggles put her over the top when it came to sheer number of votes received.

The Columbus Jaguars were up next with a tribute to superheroes who killed zombies.

Or at least that’s what Dianna and I got out of the routine.

Not really sure what that was all about, either.

And then the Dolls hit…and lit…up the floor.  Just like the movie.

79ffc17cfa6daa02f6784a71169534e5.jpgtumblr_o23qnpu3Sf1tb8iyko1_500giphyCan you even tell the difference?  I don’t think so.

E’rryone went boinkers.

Did I forget to mention that Tawantza showed up?

Because that was kind of a big deal.

At least to her.

She showed up a’ight.  And she was all like That’sRightBaby

tw2

…and I’mBackBaby
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…and MmmHmmYouKnowThat’sRightBabyt5…and even got all closeup in the camera like…

twGah, I love that NutJob.

I don’t know if she cut her hair, misplaced her hair or if it was just stuck in some car door out in the parking lot, but all that hip hop music and purple eyeshadow up in my grill just reminded me of the time Barney and Dora dropped it like it was hot on the playground.

30b7ba43e5c599bbe6ef54337965d038-1.jpg BarneyC’mon.  That was hilarious.

And then I think I passed out.

When I came to, it was the Dancing Dolls vs. the Purple Diamonds in the final round of the Stand Battles.  I guess they must have beat out everyone in the first two rounds.  I should check the DVR, because I don’t think Arthur got his wish.

Dianna had a couple of bootleg PDs which she utilized in the Dolls’ routine, pulling DD4L logo tee shirts over their heads while they were dancing.

Because, you know…Once A Doll, etc.

The Purple Diamonds, on the other hand, weren’t so nice.

At all.

Apparently, not only do they like to talk trash…but they are also more than happy to actually trash yo’ s*** when you’re not looking.  Literally.

No lie.  They took the Dolls’ uniforms and stomped the yard with them all over the floor before letting some lady wearing Beats by Dre sweep them right under the bleachers.

AwHellNah.

se

Not cool.  Not cool at all.

And to make it worse, the PDs can’t even cash their winning check to pay the Dolls’ dry cleaning bill.  Because they lost.  In both categories.

Boom.

The Dancing Dolls came in First Place in Creative and Stand Battle!

di

And then it was over.

Everyone was happy.  Really happy.

Best.  Halloween.  Ever.

Now I gotta go.  I’m hitching a ride with Dana.

DD4L!

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Dance Moms: When Abby Goes Rogue Again, It’s Debbie Allen To The Rescue. Hurray For Bollywood…And Africa.

February 3rd, 2016

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Don’t you cry, niblet. At least you’re not wearing any pigtails. Trust me…it’s been a looong 5 years.

 

 

da

 

 

Baby, look at me. When I’m done with you, that sore back is gonna remember remember my name.

 

 

nia

 

 

So I went online to check out all my haters’ viral music videos and…wait…there are none. Hashtag: OhSnap

 

 

ac

 

 

Aww Hell Nah. I specifically said no bathroom security jobs that involved clowns. I’m done.

 

 

h2

 

 

You trash my hair on social media and I’ll be at your house tonight unplugging the damn internet.

 

 

da3

 

 

If these babies can teach me how to take a selfie, I don’t care if they live in the backroom.

 

 

mkz

 

 

 

I’ll totally help all these little squirts if they wanna pay me in snacks. It’s still all about the chips.

 

 

 

You.

Yeah.  I’m talking to You.

You’ve got Big Dreams.  You want Fame.

Well, Fame costs.  And right here is where you start paying.

In Sweat.

debbie-allen-as-lydia-grant-in-FAME

And you can quote me on that.  Or maybe that lady right there, if you’d prefer.

Because Debbie Allen has arrived, y’all.

The Queen is in the building.  And that is awesome.  And amazing.  And inspiring.

And it’s totally jumping about four commercial breaks ahead in the recap and referencing the wrong television show all at the same time.  But it doesn’t even matter.

Because it’s Debbie Allen.

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And now that I’ve ruined the surprise, let’s start at the beginning.

Dance Moms kicked off this week’s episode already slightly discombobulated (…and completely right back where they started their whole Hollywood journey…) on the sidewalk in front of the 3rd Street Dance Studio, which was apparently once again serving as rehearsal space for the ALDC.

After resigning from her own Life (…which still makes about as much sense to me as I dunno what…) Abby Lee Miller had apparently locked the Moms out of the new ALDCLA studio and gone into reclusive hoarding/hiding inside the bowels of that freaky back storeroom, forcing everyone else to find temporary housing.

3rd Street Dance to the rescue.

Thankfully, this studio seems to have way more Salsa posters and Zumba signage than they do actual running classes, because the place always seems to be empty and available at a minute’s notice.  Or maybe that’s just me.

Regardless, the team scored a home for now.

Side note:  I’m totally ok with Lifetime using that ‘Previously On Dance Moms’ clip of my MomCrush Jill flipping out on Abby every week for the rest of the season if they’d like, because it’s been on every episode since it happened and I’ve enjoyed it immensely.j-1

True.  It’s probably not as epic as throwing a shoe while wearing Dollar Store western headgear, but sometimes even the best peak too early.  It just happens.

So, anyway. Abby was MIA.  Again.

Just like Maddie, who was not only starring in whatever movie keeps taking her away from the studio every other week, but also apparently writing it, directing it and editing all the sci-fi laser beam computer animation, because it’s certainly taking her a long time to wrap this thing up.  Let’s go, people.  Time is Money.

And now Nia was MIA, too.  Or so they thought.

Turns out she was just back a block or two on her Sidekick, voicing her concerns to the Social Media Director at NiaSioux Enterprises, LLC regarding some not-so-cool replies from internet haters to a post she had put online about how to do a spin or something.

One:  Really?

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Two:  Remember when kids used to play outside?  Is that not a thing anymore?

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Three:  Really?

h4Don’t even get me started.  I don’t understand social media sometimes.

Or toe spins.

Since Abby was…you know…Gianna was in charge this week.  And our girl doesn’t do Pyramids.  So moving right along.  Is this gonna be a 30 minute show or what?

This week, the gang was headed to Fierce Dance Competition.

But NO Solos.  Only Duets.  Three of them.

Nia and Kalani scored an African Dance number, which was going to be choreographed by Travis Payne‘s assistant Aisha Francis.  Turns out that neither Pyramids OR African Dance are Gia’s thang.  Being the best babysitter EVAH to the Minis still is, tho.

Spoiler Alert:  If this African routine turns out to be even half as #OnFleek as Aisha’s eyebrows, I ain’t too worried, because…Gurrrrl, that face is Beat.

Which is a good thing, FYI…at least according to the kids who are currently hating on my blog instead of being outside getting fresh air.

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Newbies Peyton (…Pay-Ton’…) and Alexus (…‘Alexis’ without the ‘I’…) were given the first Mini Duet Flashback of the season:  A reinvented interpretation of Chloe and Asia‘s classic ‘Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark’ routine.

This one.

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My_dollHow much did we love Chloe and Asia Monet Ray?  And Christi.

And how about Asia’s Mom Kristie Ray?  How much did we love her?  Especially when she lost her nutty and did this thing up in the MomPerch…

Tumblr_mrlgnaiLuP1qejlczo1_500-1…which is easily the best Dance Moms Gif ever in the history of Dance Moms Gifs…

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500…except for that one right there, of course.  What the What?

I really can’t look at both of them together for very long or my head will explode.

The final ‘Odd Couple’ duet went to Kendall and Brynn, which was done basically to allow their Moms the opportunity to pig pile on top of each other for the remainder of the episode.  No love lost there, folks.

Brynn’s Mom Ashlee immediately asked which part was harder.  #OhNoSheDint.

Tumblr_mrlgnaiLuP1qejlczo1_500-1Yes, she did.  And Jill didn’t like it much.  Which explains why she made a #JillFace that looked exactly like a #HollyFace and then I didn’t know what was happening.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Truth:  I could literally tell the rest of this week’s episode with just these two Gifs.

And don’t think I won’t try.

Side note:  Just so nobody says I’m not giving equal time, here is one of my all-time favorite Christi moments.  I don’t know why it is, but it is.  Please do enjoy.

tumblr_n5xw6vNZ9O1ts65cuo1_500And then it was time for Nakul Dev Mahajan to arrive.

Oh, hey.

nk1And, heeeey.

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Straight outta So You Think You Can Dance, the Bollywood King was flashing hand jives and ancient finger dings from the moment he walked through the door.  Brought in to choreograph the elaborate Big & Little group number, Nakul was da bomb.  Nobody knows this Bollywood shizz better than this guy.  Trust me.

Now let’s just hope he can teach Minis how to pinky finger the Lotus.

pAs the full-size and pint-size girls all tried to work together without poking their own eyes out, the Moms headed into the back hallway to chew on each other’s necks for a few minutes.

Peyton was having trouble picking up the choreography, which meant that her Mom Kerri was already starting to unravel.  Ashlee was already psychically predicting that Kendall would not be able to act out the character in her dance.  Melissa was getting that twitch she gets when Abby’s not around.

And the rest of the Moms all sat around in what I swear was swirling asbestos dust.

Srsly.  Please tell me you saw all that fuzz floating in the air.

3Wi0XUKI know it’s an old building, but…gah.

Luckily, Holly, Nia and Kalani didn’t have to inhale it for very long, because they were off to Debbie Allen’s Dance Academy for a freebie.

YAAAAAAAAS, Queen!

Debbie Allen had offered up her studio for an African Dance class, which Holly somehow found out about by chatting up Aisha on her cellphone the night before.  Because apparently ‘Aisha’ comes right before ‘Aubrey’ in Holly’s speed-dial.  I don’t even ask anymore.  That phone’s memory card must be massive.

When you get to the ‘Ds’ and wanna go to lunch, call me.

I love Debbie Allen.  She’s strong.  Inspirational.  And every word that comes out of her mouth could go on a t-shirt or one of those expensive Hallmark cards that require additional postage because they’re so heavy.

Debbie walked into that studio and everyone was all like…YAAAAAAAAS!

tumblr_inline_n84i1fYDY41rnss34Plus, she was wearing a beret.  Slightly askew.  So you knew she meant bidnezz.

When Debbie Allen speaks,  the room falls silent.  Holly, Nia and Kalani were captivated as The Queen discussed being a Performer vs. being an Artist.

She said “I would wish Artistry on both of you.”  YAAAAAAAAS!

tumblr_inline_nvgu4iNvc51satrrh_500And it just kept going.  All to a crazy drum beat.

Not gonna lie.  By the time they finished rehearsals and Debbie told them to “Never be afraid to try.  Success is a Journey.  It is always in the making.” I was like…tumblr_inline_nox6iqYyyd1qdbwps_500Call me a cab.  I’m done.

Side note:  When Debbie Allen was on the TV show Fame, she wore loose fitting Flashdance-looking tops and posed like this a lot with Billy Hufsey

fame season 3 debbie allen, billy hufsey, gene anthony ray

…who, years later, somehow ended up being Asia Monet Ray’s agent for a short time…

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…after she danced on Dance Moms and Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition

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…which has nothing really to do with Debbie Allen training Nia and Kalani, but could totally come in handy on Trivia Night if you want to write it down somewhere.

I know, right?  Mind.  Blown.Tumblr_mrlgnaiLuP1qejlczo1_500-1

The following day(…only 24 hours before competition…) the Moms were all together again, doing that excited/jealous thing they do when one girl does something cool and the others don’t.  Everyone was happy for Nia and Kalani’s Debbie Allen Experience, but Melissa planned on having her children dance where their jackets say they dance.

Which…ok.  I love Melissa, but she didn’t say much this week.

She made this face a few times, tho.  Not sure why.

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Since the Minis were still struggling with the Bollywood choreography, Nakul had asked them all to rehearse at home together.  Which they didn’t do, because Tiffanie and Mary decided to take their kids to some secret bunker somewhere and now Kerri was starting to unravel faster.

It was getting whackier by the minute, I swear.

You just know that if Debbie Allen’s sister Phylicia Rashad had been there, she would have been looking at those Moms all like..

3.-Phylicia-Rashad-The-Cosby-Show

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time for Kerri to completely lose her marbles.  Just because Holly asked the Mini Moms how their late night rehearsals had been going.

Well, that started it, anyway.

I guess Kerri had threatened to call the po-po on Tiffanie for some reason.  Tiffanie then said that Peyton was huddled up in a corner somewhere in the fetal position last night screaming for her mother.

Which Kerri didn’t handle very well.  Since, according to her version of the story, her child was sitting on her own bleepity bleepin’ lap the whole time, you stupid bleep. kerBoom.  #MicDropFace.

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Production note:  Right around here they either edited out 27 minutes of footage, or Tiffanie is the Fastest CryBaby Evah, because she started bawling her eyes out before Kerri even lost that Kardashian pucker.

cryI know, Holly.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Same.

Peyton came out in her Monster Doll makeup and looked waaaay crazy pants.  Kudos to whoever painted that mug.

But she still messed up a practice move with Gia and then Kerri melted down.

dollDance Moms “I’m Done” Contract Clause:  As previously discussed, every Mom is required to say it at least once per season.  And this week was Kerri’s time.  Big Time.

She snatched her phone and her kid (…in that order, BTW…) and plowed through the open doors and then straight into the closed elevator door.  You see that?

Not sure why she didn’t push the button like the sign says.

It was chaos.  Security guys everywhere.  Kerri was swinging her shoes around like she was at some Designer Sample Sale and needed to get traction on the marble floor before all her sizes were gone.  There was some nameless producer guy begging Kerri to stay on the show (…via Honey Boo Boo subtitles…) and even one guy in front of the ladies’ room who jumped out of his skin when he saw a 3 foot tall clown running towards him with a skeleton face and a barefoot Mom looking like Alice Cooper.

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But it was Mackenzie who saved the day.

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It’s not easy being 6 years old.  Nobody knows dat better than MackZ, yo.

Been there.  Done that.  So she took the little scary clown under her wings and told her everything was gonna be alright.  And that she knows her Mom is a loose cannon.  And that everything about the ALDC is clearly straight off the hook.

But if you stick it out long enough, you get chips at some point.

bad-makeup-GIFFull disclosure:  I didn’t know where else to put the animation of that little girl in her crazy makeup.  It kinda goes with the story and yet makes no sense whatsoever.  It has nothing to do with the show and yet pretty much sums up the entire episode in one graphic.  So there you go.

And now we wasted so much time on all this that there’s no room for the actual competition.  Check out Nia’s makeup, tho.

nkkThe Mini duet ended up being amazing.  For such little wieners, they both did great.  They remembered the choreography and got the job done.

Nia and Kalani’s routine was insane.  Nailed it.  To a crazy drum beat.

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Side note:  There was also a 20 minute break in programming so we could watch all the ALDC girls get tanked up on sugar and show us how to do a proper Instagram selfie.  It gave me anxiety it was so hyper.  Sleepover Commercials 2.0…

Brynn and Kendall’s duet was not as equally well received, since Ashlee immediately went in for the kill again as soon as it was over.  It was the same conversation as last week, just in different outfits.

And then they all went Bollywood, baby.

nk3Fast forward:  And then it was over.

No time for results this week.  I know you Google that stuff anyway.

Kerri vowed to chillax.  Or at least try.  Ashlee vowed to push every single last one of Jill’s buttons until something bad happens.  Which it will.

Melissa vowed to remain at the studio that’s on the embroidery.  Holly vowed to keep finding new and improved opportunities for her daughter.

Nia vowed to not let those social media haters get her down.

Because, you know…#Motivators.

And that’s it until next time.  Get outta here.

Buh bye, now.

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