Bring It!: The Big Dolls And Baby Dolls Are Bucking For Revenge, So Have A Seat On The Couch And Let’s Do This!

September 20th, 2014

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How ’bout you get back to your own babies before you get five of these upside yo’ head?

 

 

j

 

 

What a Daddy’s gotta do is drop this thing on top of the next hen who tells me to Back It Up.

 

 

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AwNah. I don’t need my Thinking Cap to know that’s one big a*** couch sitting on that sidewalk.

 

 

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Put your damn arm down, Gurl. There’s no waitress tonight.

 

 

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AwShoot. Knew I shouldn’ta put on Hello Kitty gloss. Miss D gon’ think I’m Nicki Minaj.

 

 

g

 

 

It’s not a Nintendo, you crazy bitch. Stop trying to shoot laser beams and watch your kid.

 

 

w

 

 

 

Those Mamas tho. I mean…dang.

 

 

 

 

Make this show be two hours.

Just freakin’ do it, already.  Bring It!…and do it.

And now that we got that weekly rant out of the way earlier than normal…

Moving on.

With only two competitions left in the season, it was time for Coach Dianna Williams to ramp up the intensity another notch or ten as she prepared the girls for their last few remaining battles.  Something that she doesn’t have any problem doing, by the way.

Not at all.

You thought last week was crucial, Girlfriend?  Well tell me how you feel after you’ve run a few hundred laps in the hot sun around an abandoned strip mall parking lot.

Because that’s how the Dancing Dolls got the party started this week; by running in circles in front of what was either an old Circuit City or that mall from The Walking Dead.

I’m not sure where they were.  Never having been to Mississippi I don’t really know that much about Jackson, which is why I usually make up over 90% of these recaps.

I know it’s hot.  I know they like their Ten Piece Take-Out with the bone still in.  And I know they have abnormally, terrifyingly large mosquitoes.  Do I really need to remind you about that time Snoop Dawg Mimi blew out two of my four surround sound speakers when a bug landed on her face?

(Seriously.  How much do we love this lady?  Especially when she starts talking in MimiTongue and gets all Dat’sMyBabyDat’sMyBaby!  MwahMwahMwah!)dw

So, yeah.  My Jackson 411 is pretty limited.  Let’s just assume that Jackson has more electronic stores than zombies and go with Circuit City.  We’re wasting time.

As the girls busted out a few loops, the Mamas were back at the Dollhouse getting sneaky with their recentlly acquired DDP/NSA surveillance system.

The baby monitor had arrived and was ready for installation!

Remember a few weeks ago when the Mamas were charging $2 bucks a pop for all that junk in their trunk (…that certainly didn’t come out the way it was intended….) in order to raise money for a new state-of-the-art nursery camera that would finally allow them visual access inside the building?

Well, contrary to a number of you online, the Moms weren’t wearing all the bake sale profits on their head for the last two episodes.  The monitor was apparently just on back order at JCPenney and took longer to ship than expected.

But it was here now and ready to be snuck into the Dollhouse.

Which was Seloncé‘s job, of course, because whether it’s covert military maneuvers or Meerkat Manor, you always throw the crazy one down the hole first.

As the unbeweavable Tina stood guard in the doorway, Seloncé raced inside to sneak the camera behind that big a** pile of trophies on the floor.  Can you hear me?  Can you hear me?  I’m looking at you from the front door, fool.  I can see you.

That’s not what I asked.  Can you hear me?

Lawd, Seloncé just gives me Life.  XOXO

Honestly, the only person I’ve ever seen fumble through a tech installation more awkwardly than Sunjai‘s Mama is a Comcast employee.

At least Seloncé shows up on time.  r

As Miss D and the Dolls rounded the last corner (…zombie-free, BTW..) Mimi bellowed out the DDP Hi De Ho Hooty Hoo Shoo Bee Doo Call and everyone evacuated the building with only seconds to spare.

This week’s competition, entitled Welcome To Tigerland for some reason, was going to be a really big show.  Pretty much every hip hop team below the Rhode Island state line would be there, including LCDC, the St.  Louis Dazzling Diamonds, the Diamonds of Essence All-Stars, the Sparkling Diamondettes, the Ladies of Excellence, the Dazzling Starlets, the Divas of Distinction, the Girls Who Can Wait In Line Overnight For An iPhone 6 But Flip Out When There Is One Person Ahead Of Them At Burger King Looking For Change In Her Purse and a few teams I’m sure I missed.

Yes, Kayla.  You better pack a lunch.  It’s gonna be a long one.

Side note:  Dianna felt the need to point out that the St. Louis Dazzling Diamonds were from St. Louis.  Ok, then.  Thanks.  I guess.

The Dolls would be competing in the Parade category and Stand Battle.

Blah Blah Blah.  Baby Dolls!

Yaaaas, hunty!  The Baby Dolls were back!!!!

TaelarDestiniMini-Kayla & Company were all back to join the Big Dolls in the Parade performance.  Full disclosure:  I may or may not have squealed just a little bit again.

These tiny babies are so cute it makes my front teeth hurt.  So freakin’ sweet.

Side note:  If someone isn’t already working on the animated Bring It! Holiday Special (…with Animagic stop-motion puppets like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, not a cartoon, thank you very much…) then you’re not doing your damn job.  t

I mean, c’mon.  Can’t you already picture puppet Taelar and her big puppet hair bow going to the Island of Misfit Toys to save them all from a sad puppet Christmas?

You know she’d sing a song with a polar bear cub and then put her puppet arms up in the air all like AuuuughWahh!!!

Destini could join her on her sleigh ride to the Island, but she’d need something warmer than her Thinking Cap from Fred’s.  Because she totally said that.

I’m not even joking.  This just needs to happen.

The upcoming competition was a big dealio.  And Miss D don’t play, so you knew she was going to work the pee-wee team just as hard as the senior squad.  As the big ones and little ones all got to rehearsing, there was also plenty of action outside on the sidewalk.

Because it was Furniture Delivery Day.

F’realz.

Baby Daddy JJ and his crew showed up with a couch.

You heard me.  A couch.

But not just a couch.  It was one of those infomercial couches that either has hidden storage under the arm pads or a reclining footrest or built-in cup holders and a place for your remote.  The kind of overstuffed pleather-looking couch that you just wipe clean with a ShamWow if you spill your Vitamix smoothie.

With a matching end table and artificial potted plant, of course, because Seloncé always says that accessories make the outfit.  Gurl was on point this week, so you know she knows her shiz.

It was the ultimate in Sidewalk Seating for the Mamas to chillax on while they watched the baby monitor.  Sign me up for that gig.jj

Bonus Points:  Considering that the Girls Scouts of America can’t even put up a bus station card table without two permits and a city hall hearing, I should give a shout out to JJ for just backing his truck up over the curb and furnishing a section of Jackson’s public property like it was his day job.

THAT’S how you do what a Daddy has to do, people.  That’s how you do.

Back inside, Camryn and Tamia were starting to show some rivalry for this whole Captain position thang that would be opening up when Kayla graduated next year.  After each Big Doll was handed three Baby Dolls for some focused choreographical (…is that even a word?…) attention, Tamia kept poking her stuff all up in Cammie’s bidnez.

T: Just trying to help you.”

C: “Help yo’self.  I got me.”

OhNoSheDin’t.  Snap.  Sombody’s got some MimiDNA in her, yo.

Then Mimi said ‘Dat’sMyBaby!’ one mo’ time and blew out my two remaining speakers.

Side note:  For the Love of God.  It’s  Head.  Head.  Wrap.

And then the baby monitor somehow acquired the power of levitation and ended up in the middle of the floor.  Really.

Busted.

After explaining to Seloncé that it was actually the camera that was upside down and not the girls, everyone went into total sitcom panic mode as Dianna scooped the surveillance device up off the ground and stormed outside to confront the Mamas.s

Honestly, I could watch these four ladies bump into each other like Teletubbies all night.

When they get together and one of their hair brained plans backfires, it’s kinda like watching I Love Lucy and Laverne & Shirley at the same time.  On the same TV.

Or maybe exactly like.

I’m starting to wish I hadn’t already ranted about making this show two hours long, because I would totally do it right here.  But I already did it.  So I won’t.

Love me some DDPs, though.

Side note:  Seloncé in her #Flawless tee, red hot leggings and Beyoncé doo wop up-do was Da Bomb.  Dot.com.

Back in the Factory, the Big Dolls were working on the Statue of Liberty Stand.  Which was almost exactly what it sounds like:  Somebody standing on someone else and raising her leg way up like it’s a torch.

America, people.  America.

Have you ever watched the old Bugs Bunny Warner Bros. cartoons where Sylvester‘s little cat nephew follows him everywhere and drives him crazy?

That was Tamia following Camryn around.  Just saying.

Finally, it was Showtime!

I like when we get to meet the other coaches in the hallways and they’re hyped up and all like WeGonnaWinAndKillIt! during their interviews.  tae

Except for that one Tool last week who said to give the little trophy to the girls (…I understand, dude.  I’m sure you don’t need to be staring at one more tiny thing in your locker room….) everyone else is always positive and promoting the messages of persistence and high self-esteem that this show is centered around.

In it to win it, yes.  But they’re all still doing it in a positive manner and having fun at the same time.  The coaches clearly love their kids and what they do.

So props to them.  Even the guy who said the Dolls were sloppy.

Lawdy, it’s hot in Memphis.

E’rrybody was sweatin’.  Mimi was having a flash or two in the audience.  Tina was flapping around an empty paper plate like she was serving up pizza at a Little Italy street fair.  The Dolls were backing it up against any working fan they could find in the makeup room.  It was getting ripe.

Somebody even smelled like Fruit Roll-Ups.

Which I guess was still better than some of the alternatives.

During the Parade routine, Dianna wanted the audience to see tongues hanging out and the blacks of their gums, whatever that means.  I’m not touching that one.

She does get props for mentioning proper oral hygiene, though, because shiny white teeth are always the key to any good tongue wag.  You heard it here first, kids.

Can we just say that the Dolls Shut. It. Down. during the Parade routine?

Because that’s what they did.  Shut. It. Down.

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Bonus Points:  To Coach Brittany Grayson from the Ladies of Excellence for watching the routine and then saying that the Dolls were gorgeous.  Taking the high road and supporting your competitors instead of smack talking them behind their back makes you gorgeous too, ma’am.  Well done.

After the first 247 teams were eliminated, it came down to the Dancing Dolls vs. the Dynamic Diamond Dollz for the Stand Battle.

And no tie this time.  Ain’t gonna happen.  Because it was ON.

Back and forth.  Back and forth.  Boom.  Bam.  Pow.

The DDDz did an Earthquake Shake.  The DDs almost gave Miss D an aneurism when they climbed on top of each other’s sweaty backs for the Statue of Liberty pose.

And then it was over.

The Dolls took a chance in 400% humidity.  They saw it.  Grasped it.  Almost slipped on it.

And then won it.

First Place in both Parade and Stand Battle!

But now the bad news.  Only one more competition before the season ends.

I know, right?  Sad.

Next week is the last dance.  And the return of the Divas of Olive Branch.

Wait.  What?

I remember them.

Oooh, Gurrrrl…your puppet stanks.

DD4L!

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Dance Moms: The Road To Nationals Loses A New Rider When Another One Bites The Dust In Sunny Orlando.

September 17th, 2014

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I’m not telling y’all what to do, but if I were you I’d have a seat cuz Miss Maya ’bout to get real.

 

 

m

 

 

I swear if this kid gets ice cream on the back of my head after 2 hours of flat ironing, I’ll lose it.

 

 

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That one over there is Sassy, the other one is either Snobby or Stretchy and I’m just plain Over It.

 

 

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I even told them all I’d bring my own wardrobe. Nothing. Dancing With The Stars sucks.

 

 

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How the f@*! did those little kids all get Louis Vuitton bags? Aren’t they like 5 years old?

 

 

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I swear if this kid takes one more picture of my Poof Imma take it out and beat her with it.

 

 

a3

 

 

If I were you, I’d be more worried about that guy creeping us from behind the wall back there.

 

 

iyn

 

 

 

I speak to all of you. And I say “I told you so, mmkay? Boom.”

 

 

 

 

Wait.  What?

Nationals are coming up already?

No way.  I had no idea.

That’s what Abby Lee Miller has been screaming about every 30 seconds for the last four episodes of Dance Moms?  Nationals?  Really?  That’s where this Road leads?

I really need to start paying more attention.  Or stop muting my television every time somebody starts yelling on this show.  Because I almost missed the newsflash.

Nationals are coming.

But you probably already knew that, unless you’ve been living under a rock or down inside one of those massive ALDC parking lot potholes.  And Nationals means that every little dancer needs to straighten their knees, point their toes and step up their game if they want to earn a spot at…you know…Nationals.

Because they’re coming.

It also means that every second counts when you’re on the Road to Nationals, so Abby didn’t waste any time getting right to the Pyramid of Shame as soon as we all finished Living On The Dance Floor.

And speaking of.  When is Lifetime going to start pixelating out Kelly and her kids’ faces from the opening credits?  Not that I don’t love seeing them every week (…hollah at my gurlz!…) but it always gets my hopes up thinking that this week there’s finally going to be some surprise visit from the Hyland legal team or something.h2

Plus, you tell me that every New Mom on the New Team isn’t back home scotch taping their own face over Kelly’s just to see what it would look like to finally have a full season contract on a national television show.

Because you know they totally do that.   I would.  Maybe I even did already.

I bet my girl Tami even cuts out inappropriately tiny paper shorts for the full effect, because it’s straight up Booty Booty E’rrywhere with that one, I tell you.

Tami.  She’s crazy.  But she’s a hoot.

Unfortunately, the Pyramid didn’t get started quite as quickly as Abby had hoped it would.

The girls were all MIA because the Original Recipe Moms needed a moment alone with Ms. Miller to discuss the events that had taken place backstage in the middle of last week’s competition.

You remember.

It was that whole White Board of Doom thing that lead to a heated discussion about Respect where we observed Holly get quantitatively analytical (…see what I did there?…) right before she stood up to Abby and almost broke Twitter.

Nike:  Just Do It.

Crossing the Line:  Don’t Do It.  Ever.  At least not with Dr. Beyoncé‘s kid.

There was also the whole DidTheyPullTheNumberOrNot? scandal over last week’s ALDC Pyromaniac Match Dance, which I’m going to leave to the chat rooms because I’m not touching that controversy with a ten foot fire hose.

Abby did say that it was her prerogative to pull the number, which didn’t seem to phase the Moms but did make that Bobby Brown song stick in my head for the rest of the night. k

I don’t need permission.  Google it, kids.

This week, New Team Mom Tracey and her daughter Sarah were back in the hizzle after a short hiatus.  Sarah Numero Dos.

This is the tall Sarah, not the little Sarah who can’t breath when you yell at her.  This is the other Sarah, who I swear had enough metal orthodontics in her mouth for at least two people.  Maybe she just has a bigger smile than I had back in my 7th grade retainer days, but I’m pretty sure she’s not getting through any TSA checkpoints until those things are pulled off with Craftsman pliers.

Side note:  Somebody on this show needs to figure out how to make all the girls’ head shots look like a triangle again or just stop calling this stupid thing a Pyramid, because once again it was just a straight line of pictures and kudos for Maddie in the middle.

(Wasn’t that the name of a TV show?)

Kinda hard to rate your dancers when they…I don’t know…didn’t actually dance, I guess.

This week, Abby was excited to announce that everyone would be headed to Orlando, Florida for the Dance Kids USA Competition.

But NO swimming.  NO sun.  NO fun.  Which is probably the exact opposite of how the tourism brochure would prefer someone describe the place.

Sarah scored an acrobatic ‘Sun Goddess’ solo.  Kendall would also be going solo with a regifting of Maddie’s ‘Fool Me Once I Kissed A Boy And I Hated It’ dance from last week.

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Same song.  More pressure.

And to once again celebrate 2014 as the International Year of the Nia, Abby handed Sasha FierceFrazier a Maya Angelou solo piece.  The same solo that Abby had dangled in front of Nia’s nose last week and then benched when that whole Holly thing got too loud.  A moving tribute piece to Maya Angelou.  With spoken words!

Which opened up that whole can o’ internet worms one mo’ time.

Once again, Nia was handed another ethnic piece.  Yes, she was given another one of those LaQuifaSitInTheBackOfTheBusWerkItWhat? type of routines that always makes Mom grind her back teeth.  But it’s also one of Nia’s strongest dance styles.

Girlfriend can definitely Werk.  It.

And honestly, I’m not really in the mood to pay out my hard earned money just to watch Mackenzie stand around in a Bumble Bee costume reading Hallmark cards.

So Nia was clearly the first choice to pay tribute to Maya.  But because Nia’s awesome.

That’s why.  Not the other reason.

I think Holly knew it.  And so did we.

As the Moms hit the MomPerch, the girls began rehearsing the ‘Seven Dancers’ group routine, which was based on some movie about ‘Seven Dwarfs.’

(I love when they’re legally prevented from saying the actual names of things.  Awkward.)

Except that there were only six girls dancing.  Which is less than seven.  I hope one didn’t get stuck in a mine shaft or something.  Because that would be sad.n1

Luckily, there were only six dwarfs until Even Newer-New Mom Kate and Kayleigh showed up.  Whoever they were, they were on their way from who knows where to Pittsburgh.  Lucky for Kate, she just happened to be sitting around the house watching her stories and packing a dance bag when Abby hit her up on her Sidekick at the last minute.

I know, right?  Sassy.

Since there was still a little tension between Holly and Abby, choreographers Gianna and James Washington took charge of Nia’s solo.  You could already tell it was going to be some good stuff.  James looks like somebody but I can’t figure out who.

Christi and Chloe had to scoot out for a few because Chloe needed to get an MRI on her foot.  In the movies, the Show Must Go On and you dance on crippled, bloody stubs until the curtain comes down and the crowd covers the stage in roses, but in the Real World you need to get that s*** checked out asap or you’ll be the only girl in junior high wearing those shoes you always see the Pope wearing when he knows he’ll be on his feet all day.

Abby wasn’t happy about them leaving, but Christi always puts her daughter first.  Dance second.  So there.  Call my cell if you need me even though I won’t answer.

Side note:  You know how much I hate the fake karaoke Made Famous by Madonna music they always have to use on these shows due to legal mumbo jumbo, right?  Well imagine how much I hate fake karaoke Dwarf Whistling.  Imagine it.

Seriously.  Just stay down in that damn coal mine hole if that’s how you’re gonna sing the song.  I’m not even kidding anymore.  You’re ruining my childhood.

With one day to go, Kate and Kayleigh showed up.  My MomCrush Jill pointed out that they must have driven all night in a snowstorm on an empty tank of gas with no heat just to get to the ALDC and dance a Hokey Pokey Dopey Dance, which may or may not have explained why Kayleigh’s Mom looked so tired.k1

D’oh.  That was just mean.  I apologize.

Apparently I won’t delete it.  But at least I’ll apologize for it.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Mama’s getting her MallMojo back.  From that bold tie-dye Pyramid ensemble to that orange florally silk thing (…was there even a bottom to that outfit?  Oooh, Gurl.  Ya nasty…) Kendall’s Mom was On.  It.  This.  Week.

Love her.  Are you listening to me Dancing With The Stars?

Make it happen, ABC, or I swear I’ll never GuyCry during The Bachelorette again.

Kendall’s solo rehearsal was looking good, even though she had the added pressure of duplicating Maddie’s solo while also trying not to get herself arrested for clearly stealing all of Kamryn Beck‘s glittery headbands when nobody was looking.

Totally saw that, honey.  #BringBackTheKiaKamster.

Side note:  Did someone think that they really needed to subtitle Kate saying ‘Hi’ when she showed up at the ALDC studio?  Really?  It’s not like she and Kayleigh just walked into the living room on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

Abby also had the girls introduce themselves with their Dwarf names.  So there was that.

Basically, the next 40 minutes were the Old Moms picking on the New Moms and the New Mom picking on the Newer Mom.  Rinse & Repeat.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Candy Apples time!

Waymin.  Whaaa-?  What is that Ohio lady doing down there?

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Turns out that Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein was coincidentally also in Florida working with Lady Killer Lucas Triana, so while our boy was off getting his hair gelled somewhere she and Mom Brigette hit up the Dance Kids competition to see if they could make Abby lose her nutty and snag some free swag in the lobby.

The short version:  Cathy poked Abby with a stick every chance she got from the minute the ALDC arrived at the venue to when they left for the airport in a cab.

Cathy was relentless.

She was also hanging out with a guy who I swear used to play guitar for Prince.

Srsly.  Did you see that dude tagging behind Cathy everywhere with his hair all shoved to one side?  What the what?  Some of Cathy’s fashion choices do appear to be circa 1999 now that you mention it, so…hmmm…

Side note:  Louis Vuitton bags.  Instead of Hello Kitty backpacks.  That is all.

Sarah’s solo went fairly well, even though her lips looked like she ate a packet of Pop Rocks backstage right before the music started.  And her nerves were a little shaky.  But for one of her first major ALDC gig I didn’t think it went that badly.

And then Nia hit the stage.  Hard.

She spoke to Maya Angelou and said ‘Goodbye’ for all of us.  And then Maya Angelou spoke to me and said ‘Slap Yo Mama,’ because it was THAT good.

Kendall did just as good, too.  It was a Maddie Dance, but she danced it like it was a Kendall Dance.  Because…der…she’s Kendall.  And that is just fine by me.  And Jill.

Side note:  I think the only thing Melissa actually said for the entire hour was something about how she recognized Kayleigh from the Open Call Auditions.  Which would have been like picking out your favorite ant in an ant farm there were so many kids in the hotel ballroom that day, but maybe Melissa has a better memory than I do.

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Her hair looked really nice this week.

Backstage, Kate was still sleepy, but she somehow managed to slam Sarah for her sloppy feet and some transitions which set up a short New vs. Newer cage match.

Then finally, at least according to the lawyers for the Walt Disney Company, seven dwarfs that were totally not Snow White‘s seven dwarfs hit the stage wearing hats that looked like those mesh bags ladies use to wash out their delicates after a long day of work.

I swear.  On their heads, Hi Ho.

And Vivi-Anne was in the audience and the angels sang.

Until Cathy poked Abby again.  Abby changed seats.  Cathy talked through the entire routine.  Brigette had a little Mean Girl thing going on, even though I know deep down she’s a sweetheart.

Peer Pressure:  The More You Know, kids.

And then the Awards kicked in, after a slight delay to get Melissa back in her seat.  Sit down, Mom.  You’re drunk.

Sarah took Fourth Place.  Kendall came in Second.

And, ahem…Miss Nia Frazier snatched that First Place trophy like a Boss.

And the crowd went wild.

Say it with me:  First.  Place.

#InternationalYearOfNia.  Just saying.

Holly even put down her PhD long enough to have a total Dance Mom Spazz Attack in her seat.  Proud ain’t the word, people.  Insane is.

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Even that Hokey Pokey Dopey Dance got First Place.  So never say never.

And then the whole thing just turned into one big, poorly edited S***Show.

Abby booted Kate and Kayleigh out the door.  And then Tracey, who had a little meltdown.

Tracey cried.  Sarah stood there in her lingerie HatBag all like What’sHappening? 

At some point Cathy and Brigette came into the makeup room and congratulated Abby on winning First Place with the stupidest dance routine in the history of dance routines.

And then, like any good 2am bar brawl, the whole thing spilled out into the hallways and sidewalks of Orlando as Abby went screeching after Cathy.

(I love the way Gianna always follows right by Abby’s side like she’s the one carrying the ALDC taser in her purse.  She never says anything, she just hustles.)

Cathy and Brigette and that PrinceGuy got all caught up in the editing and were in front of everyone and then behind everyone and then outside having a cigarette and then back inside behind Abby so many times it messed with my focus.

And can we talk about that mysterious big guy who kept lurking behind the wall the entire time?  Security?  Bouncer?  Janitor?  Orlando Perv?

Maybe I watch too much CNN, but when someone keeps watching you all day but doesn’t want to be on camera, that always makes me wish I had Gianna’s pocketbook with me.

It was classic Abby.  And that’s all that really mattered.

And now we’re one last step away from Nationals.

Because…you know…I hear they’re coming.

PS.  Hashtag:  You go, Nia.  You just go.

IntYearOfNia

Bring It!: The Dolls Face The Dollz In A Memphis Rematch. We’re Talking Hip Hop, Booty Pops…And Do I See Boys?

September 12th, 2014

mimi

 

 

Yaaaaaaaas, Honey! I wanted to ride that crazy bitch like a big diesel John Deere Weave Whacker!

 

 

se

 

 

 

Excuse me?

 

 

ch

 

 

 

Honestly, I’m way too stressed out about this whole Hip Hop thang to even begin tryna figure out my Mama.

 

d

 

 

 

We’re going Uptown to lay some Smack Down on M-Town. It’s time to spank some babies, y’all.

 

 

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Bitch, pleez. My trophy for ‘Biggest DBag Compensating For His Inadequacy’ is bigger than that. Give it to the gurlz.

 

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Excuse me?

 

 

mh

 

 

 

Lawd Have Mercy. There ain’t enough cookies in the trunk or cake in the oven for all this drama.

 

 

 

You know what they say.

It’s always sumthin in Memphis.

Well, maybe not when it comes to the BBQ ribs, because those are consistently pretty tasty no matter where you end up.  They’re also not as messy as the Kansas City rub variety, which is a plus if you just got your nails did or have your son’s birthday party scheduled for next weekend.

But if you and your Bring It! crew are planning to head across the border from Jackson in search of some drama-free Hip Hopping?

Then, yeah.  It’s gonna be sumthin.  Always.

Just ask the Dancing Dolls.

Been There.  Done That.  Got the Bedazzled T-shirt.

This week Dianna Williams and the girls were headed back to that little corner of Tennessee again to prove, once and for all, who Run The World.  Or at least the city of Memphis.  And hopefully with less stress and scoring errors than they’ve encountered during their last few visits.

In addition to competing in the Stand Battle (…which the Dolls can set on fiyah in their sleep, thank you very much…) the Team was also signed up for a whole new category.

Hip Hop.

Side note:  As Miss D laid out all the deets, that sound you heard in the background was just Camryn knocking her head against the wall so many times that she went through the sheet rock into the adjoining retail establishment.

sj

Clearly, our girl’s not a big fan of the Hip.  Or the Hop.

Assuming that they even made it past the Memphis Border Patrol, the Dolls would be going up against the Sensational Divas, the Divas of Distinction, the Dynamic Diamond Dollz and the Girls Who Honestly Believe That They Stand A Chance Of Marrying One Of The Guys From 5 Seconds Of Summer.

(Good luck with that one, by the way.)

Oh.  And did I mention that the Dolls would also be facing M-Town Image?

No way.  Boyz?  In the hizzle?

M-Town was apparently a Memphis big dealio made up of nothing but boy parts, so that just raised the bar for Miss D and the Dolls.  You know how those boys dance nowadays.

As the girls all formed a human tug-of-war chain to pull Cammie’s head out of the neighboring Sleep Number Bed store, the DDP Mamas were all outside in the midst of their own majorly awesome Weave War.

I know, right?  I didn’t even know there was such a thing.

Turns out that my girl Tina, Neighborhood Surveillance MonitorMom Mimi and It’s Rittany Bitch all had a little problem with the mylar balloon arch that Seloncé had carted into last week’s competition in honor of Sunjai‘s first Stand Battle.

You know the one.  The one that spelled out S-U-N-J-A-I in letters so big that the crew of the International Space Station is still using it to recharge their solar panels and take selfies from 248 miles away.  That balloon arch.

ts1

Seloncé didn’t see anything wrong with celebrating her child.  Heck, Tina has a closet full of curvy Kayla Couture and Mimi’s got that gigantic Cammie Head-On-A-Stick (…which I totally need for my own gigantic Head-On-A-Stick collection, BTW.  Hook a brotha up…)

So what was all the whoop about a big a** balloon arch?

You had to see it to truly appreciate it.

Everyone was trying to explain how they should be celebrating the entire team, not just one girl.  It was everyone’s day, not just Sunjai’s day.  Everyone was talking at once.  They were looking at each other and then they were turning their backs on each other and then they were looking at each other again.

I call a Weave War!

And then Tina just whipped it.  Whipped it good.

Right in Seloncé’s face.  Like one of those spinning mop things they use to clean the marble post office floors that always snap your ankles when you try to walk around the crazy maintenance guy.

Oh, you got some hair now?  Well so do I.

Hair whip.  Hair whip.  MmmHmm.  MmmHmm.

Tina werked it like I don’t know what.  And then Seloncé did.  And then back and then forth.  Mimi even got a mouthful when she accidentally got too near the line of fire.

I’m pretty sure Seloncé actually did part of the Single Ladies dance at some point.

Check it out:s

Mimi tried to break it down and make Seloncé see how she always turns every Sunjai Day into a Seloncé Day.  Both of which should totally be National Holidays when the Stock Market doesn’t open, if anyone is asking for my opinion.

Side note:  You can tell Rittany works in retail, because she just stood there with her face in her palm like I used to do every Black Friday.  Once you’ve seen people throw down over a waffle iron at 5am…you’ve seen it all.

And then somehow the whole discussion suddenly turned to cake.  Which Tina loves.  Next thing you knew, the two of them were hugging it out and realizing that their energy would be better spent whipping up a box of Betty Crocker Red Velvet.

Because, I mean…who doesn’t like cake?

Make.  This.  Show.  Be.  Two.  Hours.

Back inside, the Dolls were revving up a new Motorcycle Stand.  Literally.

Like you’d see on America’s Got Talent or something, where the girls all climbed on top of each other and turned themselves into a human motorcycle.

Which you pedaled, like a normal bike.  Wait.  What?

I know.  I didn’t ask.  Dianna seemed so into the motorcycle concept that I didn’t want to burst her bubble.  Plus, I’m already afraid she’s gonna hold a grudge when I point out all that DD4L Christmas Tree Shoppe clutter again.

You see all that?  Boxes and glitter ‘Ds’ and plastic fake tupperware things from Target and that one lone broken leg crutch that’s still behind the desk.

Gurrrl, that shizz is EVERYwhere.

But I looove me some DD4L, so it’s all good until the fire department shuts you down.bp

ATTENTION! We interrupt this recap for a special announcement:

Happy Birthday, Cobe!  

It was the little peanut’s Big Day, so Dianna rented out an entire Community Center for a party waaaaay better than anything her son would get at Chuck E Cheese’s.

Full disclosure:  At first I thought it was a prison she rented out.  Really.  I swear that’s what the outside of that building looked like, but then I couldn’t recall ever seeing photos of any maximum security cellblock with an inflatable slide and a bouncy tent.  I also thought that Cobe ran through a tunnel of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, which turned out to be incorrect as well, so I think I’ll just let Dianna do all the party planning from now on and I’ll stick to what I know.

Or pretend to know.

I will also take off my cardboard party cone hat and salute pee wee Cobe for being such a playground playa.

Srsly.  Did you see all the grammar school babes he had dancing around him?  Dude has no adult teeth yet, but he’s got some serious Game.

After a few more slices of cake, because…I mean, you know… it’s cake…everyone scooted back to the Dollhouse for the final Hip Hop cuts.

Since I’m still getting death threats for making fun of the shower caps, we’ll skip right over this part.  But the names, tho.

(Love this show.  Two hours, please.  That’s all I’m asking.)cc

Finally, it was Showtime!

The Dolls hadn’t seen the Dollz (…with a ‘Z’…) since the Bucking Burlesque Battle, so Dianna knew that by now their opponents would be packing some new Stands, which DDDirector John Connor was more than happy to brag about when they arrived.

Remember John?  He’s the one with all the tattoos and not enough carbs.  Nice guy.  I like him even though the he could use a little more cake.

You couldn’t miss M-Town when they showed up, because they came into the building like every dude I ever knew in high school (…myself included…) who walked into every Friday night cafetorium dance all YoYo and Let’sDoThis and HeyGirlSup? getting all FistPump on everyone in their orbit.

Boys.

M-Town Director Robert Ward made it crystal clear that his team could do everything from B-Boying to astrophysics and teleportation.  He kept tilting his head back and forth like DangGirlYouFine so much that his baseball cap ended up spinning around backwards.

Camryn was still stress bagging a little bit as the competition got ready to begin.  Before they headed to Memphis Mimi had pointed out that Cammie needed to be well-rounded if she wanted to make it in the World of Dance.  Not everybody likes Hip Hop.  But not everybody likes Algebra either, but you gotta do whatchoo gotta do sometimes.

That’s what happens when you’re too young to remember the TV show Fame.  

Forget all this pussy Glee stuff.  You want Fame?  Well Fame costs.  But you wouldn’t know that if you’ve never felt Debbie Allen slam a dance stick into your big toe right before call-back auditions.k

PS.  I wanna live forever.  Google it.

Side note:  While Dianna was giving her final pep talk before the Big Game, Camryn was shaking and practicing so much behind Miss D that I thought Lifetime had hired a sign language interpreter.

Relax, honey.  You’ll be fine.

When M-Town hit the floor in head-to-toe Mr. Clean, they Hip Hop danced like boys Hip Hop dance.  I don’t think they were ready for Step Up 3D: Part 7, but I like that thing where you go from laying on your stomach to backing up onto the tip of your Jordans.

Whatever that’s called.

Then the Dolls hit the floor.  Hit it Hip Hop Hard.  In sequined varsity jackets.

And it was Buck.  And how ’bout dat Kayla?  Holy KaylaMoly, Batman.  All slo-mo Running Man and chest popping and tucking all the boys’ stuff right back up where it came from.

Sheeoooot.

And can we please have a special trophy next time just for Tina?  Cuz that bitch can’t sit still.  She was doing her signature shuffle all over the place.  And it gave me Life.

Whoever draws the short straw each week and has to sit next to Kayla’s Mama in the audience is guaranteed to go home with a bruise or two.

The crowd was going nuts.  The DDPs were going nuts.  I was going nuts.  mh1

By the time the Dolls slammed down their jackets and ended the Hip Hop routine with a Time Bomb I think my pajamas were on backwards.

Side note:  Excuse me, but I saw some Baby Dolls.  Whaaaat?  If this show was two hours like it was supposed to be, we could have seen them perform.  Just saying.

As the Stand Battle between the Dolls and the Dollz kicked into super-turbo high gear, everyone in the building was so wound up that taking the time to install all those seats in the building now seemed rather pointless.

The Dollz totally ripped off the Baby Dolls’ WhatTimeIsItOnMyNewAppleWatch? move by tapping their forearms, by the way.  I see what you did there.  Not cool.

But they done good otherwise.  Even Mimi had to admit they upgraded.

Not that it mattered by the time the Dolls rode that motorcycle.  Not one bit.  Construction guys actually came in and removed all the seats and nobody even noticed.

It was crazy.  Dianna ran in circles just slapping random strangers it was so good while Mimi jumped on Seloncé’s back and rode her all the way back to Jackson.

And then the awards were handed out.  The Dolls won First Place for Hip Hop and Robert Ward won First Place for being a Sore Loser.

The Twitterverse called him ‘salty’ (…which I don’t even know what that means…) but I prefer the term ‘being a Tool.’  Because that’s totally what he was doing.

h 2

He said that M-Town doesn’t care about trophies.  (Right.)  Because M-Town wins all the time.  (How’s that working out for you today?)  And besides, it was a little trophy.  (Mine’s bigger than yours.)  So just give it to the girls.

Thanks for the offer, dude.  But it looks like somebody already beat you to it.

Booyeah.  FistPump.

And then the Stand Battle ended in a tie.

Hold up.  A tie?

Q.  What is it with Memphis?  It’s always sumthin.  And how many outfits did John pack for this trip?  Seriously.  He was in different clothes every time they interviewed him.

Boys.  Go figure.

So another week was over.  Another win.  And another chance to learn and grow.

Camryn added another style of dance to her resume and made Mama proud.

Kayla proved that she can hang with the boys and lead her team to victory.  And the DDPs were still intact and feeling the love.  And that’s what the show is always about.

Family.  Friends.  And the Message.

That calls for a celebration.

And some cake.

Because…you know.

DD4L!

tf


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