Bring It!: Gurrl…Pleez. Better Get Your Hair Tight And Right, Cuz It Looks Like A Saturday Night Lights Fight. A’ight?

August 30th, 2015

tumb 2

 

 

Poke me in the eye one mo’ time, Mary Poppins, and we’ll see how far you can really fly with dat.

 

 

pp

 

 

I do NOT want to go to jail, cuz no prison salon gonna be able to replicate these red ombré tips.

 

 

dw

 

 

I don’t know if it’s shoes or hair, but that little man is about to make me take something off.

 

 

andy-and-kenya-moore

 

 

I said get on the 45 yard line and buck it like I taught you so we can all go home. Mama’s hungry.

 

bh

 

 

 

Now that just ain’t rite. Y’all know that I’d never go on TV with that hair OR that dress. Lawd.

 

rzcDt

 

 

 

Get that whiplash in your neck, gurrrlz. LCDC in the house.

 

 

clp

 

 

 

 

Oh. Hell. Nah.

 

 

 

 

So, yeah.

We might be a little behind on our Bring It! recaps.

But it’s not my fault.  F’real.  Blame Lifetime.

I mean, who decided to put all this DD4L awesomeness back on the screen during the last month of summer?  Who did that?

Not that I’m complaining, of course.  Cuz there’s no such thing as a bad time for Dianna Williams and the Dancing Dolls.  Trust me.  And there’s also no such thing as too much Dianna Williams and the Dancing Dolls, either.  You can trust me on that one, too.

Because we looove this show and all the craziness that comes wid it.

But some of us are still working on a base tan and tryna spike our bad cholesterol levels into the red zone before school starts, so I’m a little crunched for time right now.  And I apologize.  Clearly, Lifetime didn’t take any of my needs into consideration when they brought back my show to finish off the season.

But it’s back.  And that’s all that really matters, even if choosing between one last juicy burger on the grill and rushing home for my stories on a Friday night got me all like…
tumblr_nbcexyQBZP1tb8iyko1_500First World Problems, yo.

So, yeah.

We skipped out on last week’s episode.

What You Missed Last Time:  My boy Quincy Oliver and the Prancing Tigerettes were back.  He wore a snappy new bow tie and seemed sassier than the last time we saw him in the hizzle.  The Dolls went to NYC to work with choreographer Tanisha Scott and learned a few new Beyoncé hair whips, which they nailed.  Some other team tacked on five or six Death Drops to the end of their Stand Battle after the music stopped and didn’t lose any points for it, which made Quincy snatch his whole team up off the sidewalk like a bad weave and leave before the Awards Ceremony all like…

tumblr_mfpr904wdD1rysluto1_500

One.  I quite enjoy Quincy’s bi-weekly hissy fits.

Two.  I could use that Toddlers & Tiaras gif every week I love it so much.

Three.  Now you’re caught up.

This week’s episode started off on unfamiliar turf.  Literally.

The Dolls were on the well maintained football field at Millsaps College, getting ready for the Saturday Night Lights Field Competition.  This weekend, Miss D’s girls would be performing in both the Field Show and Stand Battle categories at an outdoor event.

No auditorium.  No shiny parquet floors.  No comfort zone.  Just grass.

And a 200 piece marching band, of course.  Because…why not.

dr

Dianna’s Secret Weapon was The Mississippi Alumni All-Star Band, led by a whole bunch of guys all named Travis P.  I swear.  You catch that?  Is that a requirement for graduation or what?  How do they even keep track of everyone’s stuff in the locker room?

This Week’s Rivals:  The Lowndes County Dance Company, the Ladies Of Sparkle, the Royale Dance Team and the Girls Who Put Their Cell Phones In Their Bra And Then Can’t Find Them Right When It’s Time To Swipe The Apple Pay Machine.  So far, I don’t see where this new technology is saving me any time whatsoever at Burger King.

Did I mention that Dianna brought along a bullhorn?  Because she’s so quiet, you know. GTY_real_housewives_atlanta_sk_140421_16x9_608And Mimi brought along a parasol.  Because she’s so delicate in the sun, you know.

umbQ.  Srsly.  Why isn’t this show two hours long?  And broadcast at least 5 days a week?

While Mimi did this a few hundred times…

tumblr_lc6ysrU14N1qewmu6o1_500…we scooted across town to see what this new LCDC dance team was all about.

And to meet their Director, McCoy Flood, who I swear is the love child of T-Pain and Sheneneh Jenkins.  Granted, I don’t have DNA proof to back up that statement, but I bet it would stand up in court.  Anybody else remember Sheneneh?  Oh.  My.  Goodness.

6f2ab9f8983338b473bdc4a787a0362dI liked McCoy.  And not just because his Mama named him after a guy from Star Trek.

Lz1vNv25E6SmAYou got that joke, right?  I can wait.

Honestly, I really like all the rival coaches that wander in and out of this show every week.

They all support their teams to the end of the Earth and strive to give every girl improved self esteem, even though some of them seem to try real hard to be all…

newspaper1…with their smack talk and #DeathToTheDolls commemorative tee shirts.  But it probably comes with the cameras.  We’ve all done stupid things behind The Weather Channel guy during a blizzard.  And don’t say you haven’t, cuz you have.

Newsflash:  The whole point of this show is positivity, right?

WWDD: What Would Dianna Do?

tumblr_nsz77hdnIw1tb8iyko1_500

McCoy was all about the bass.  And the hair.  You need to get whiplash in your neck!  He yelled it and snapped it and snapped it and yelled it so hard that I had to hit pause and take an ibuprofen.  I got it, Boo.  I got it right here on the left side.

mcc

Back at Millsaps, the Mamas were discussing some of the turmoil going down at Casa Jones.  Kayla had come home after curfew and Tina wasn’t liking it.  Raising an 18 year old isn’t easy, especially when you don’t want them making some of the same choices that you made when you were younger.  Not easy at all, even if your hair is laid like this.

t

Look at her.  How much do we heart Tina?  Even though I swear that long red pony tail was attached to the baseball hat and not her actual head.  You see that thing?  But again, I base all my observations on everything but the actual truth, so…you know.

Tina’s hair…and my made-up stories…are clearly gifts from the Gawdz.  They just are.

And the fact that Kayla was out way after curfew with a boy?

Well…

Kermit-The-Frog-Memes-Thats-None-Of-My-Business-Tho-What-The-Vogue-440x266

…that’s just none of my business.

Side note:  Rittany was MIA this week, due to Crystianna being ill.  Get better soon.

Apparently, not even the Magic Mimi Umbrella…tumblr_mp75vemlmD1stcgp2o2_r1_500

…could stop the approaching rain storm or Jackson’s mega-bug infestation, so the Mamas all headed inside to a skybox to scratch their bites and discuss parental responsibility.

Seems like everyone had an opinion on how to raise children.  Especially Nashumba, who got a little too close to Tina’s circuit breaker switch when she started telling her that she needed to push Kayla harder now that she was graduating.

Religion.  Politics.  How to raise yo’ kids.  Yikes…you just don’t.

Tina got all like…

t2

Nashumba got all like…

n5And then Mimi had to break ’em up all like…

tnSide note:  That new Mama Antionette didn’t say much this week.

But she did make this face a lot.

fc1Here it is again.  This one is a little happier, because she finds the latest #MimiFace to be particularly hilarious.  As she should.

msSpoiler Alert:  But it was at the actual Saturday Night Lights competition when she pulled out the Big Guns.  WTF?  You smell dat?

fcI think I like her already.

With practice delayed due to a life threatening electrical storm, Tina had time for a Mother/Daughter sit-down back at Casa Jones, which gave me such a high school flashback that I needed to walk away from the television for a few minutes.

Had Lifetime Television actually been listening in on all the conversations I had with my parents for the first 18 years of my life?  How could Tina be saying almost word-for-word the exact same thing that every grown-up said to every kid in my neighborhood when I was young?  How is that even possible?

You mean to tell me that adults really do have our best interests in mind when they nag?  And that they’re really just making sure we all have a better life than they had at any cost?  And that the part about school being important no matter what your long term dreams are…?  Is that part true, too?

Education, kids.  Just do it.

tumblr_nj4fgeWetz1qk08n1o1_500 Oh.  And Kayla made the same faces I made when I was 18 years old, too.

Totes McGoats.

kjDid I forget to mention the part where Camryn and Makalah went head-to-head in this week’s Captain’s Dance Your Pants Off Dance Off?  Because they did.

And did I also forget to mention that it was me who predicted a few weeks back that Camryn’s time was coming soon?  And that she scored the Captain’s spot this week?  And that I don’t want to say I told you so, but…#IToldYouSo.

cShe even bonked Makalah in the forehead all like ‘Boop!’

mcFinally, it was Showtime!

And time for McCoy to jump Dianna in the parking lot in his airbrushed Tiger Shirt all like…

originalThis dude.  I swear.  And right before competition?  Ain’t nobody got time for that.

prisAnd don’t even tell me he just said that all he could see were Miss D’s teeth.  Don’t even.

anigif_enhanced-5129-1393429731-11First out on the field were the girls from Royale.  Who, according to Antionette, were definitely cornbread fed.  Because she said that.

And because they were.facepalm-gifLawd, this show.  I just can’t sometimes.  Hilarious.

Side note:  I don’t know what was in that corn, but them girls could dance.  Dang.  Gimme some of that, right now before I hit da klub.

The Ladies Of Sparkle were next to dance in the Field Show category, followed by LCDC.

And all of McCoy’s hair, of course.  Just like this.

danceweirdpeanutscharactersNot even lying.  That’s exactly how he was whipping it on the side lines while his team performed their routine.  Side to Side with a Slide and then a Fast Ride, bitches.  Even Seloncé had to pause in a moment of awe just to take it all in before McCoy was overshadowed by the Fabulousness that was LCDC’s Secret Weapon.

Dexter Brown: Baton Twirler.

Gurrrrl, pleez.  Loved him.

Dexter came out in some green glitter thang looking like the opening of Wicked and tossed his sparkly baton all over the place until half the bleachers fell out in a church faint.

After he brought the house down, he and McCoy even had time to chit chat about something they had seen in the locker room before the show.  Not sure what they were talking about, but it was only this big.  So…yeah.  Sparkle, baby.

inchMemo to Lifetime:  If Dexter doesn’t have his own show by January, I swear.

And then 100 Dancing Dolls and 200 band members all marched out onto the field and shut it down.  Tubas and Twerks.  Cuz that’s how they do.

Almost immediately there were some very animated discussions regarding whether or not the Dolls routine was going over the required 7 minute limit, not including entrances and exits and more Dance Math than I care to debate now that Dance Moms is on hiatus.

I dunno.  I’m not good at that part.  But Dexter and McCoy  (…wasn’t that a TV show in the ’80s?…) kept looking at their watches and doing DivaYawns.  So who knows.

And then it was all about the face-off between the Dolls and LCDC.  And why this little girl was so tired when it’s only 7pm on a Saturday night.

sleep

Srsly, sweetie.  Go to bed early.  The internet will still be there in the morning.  I promise.

And then it all hit the Stand Fan.

Dianna counted some LCDC routines that went longer than the allowed 28 counts and brought her concerns up to the emcee, which McCoy didn’t like one bit.

No he did not.

swear

Wait for it.

Wait for it…

Boom.
ThriftySpottedCoati

Worst.  Football.  Game.  Ever.

It was Miss D vs. Sheneneh.  And it was on.

tumblr_lmciat0DbG1ql3wjyo1_400E’rrybody was screaming at e’rrybody else on the track surrounding the field.  McCoy’s hair was whipping and doing the nae nae all over the place like it had a mind of its own.

Dianna was screaming.  McCoy was screaming.  Seloncé even stood up in the bleachers and started screaming.  Dexter was still twirling stuff and being Fierce, BTW.  That’s his signature thing, I guess.

Dianna even went down to remove her stilettos (…“Don’t make me take my shoes off”…) until she realized she was wearing her good Michael Kors and thought better of it.

Mama’s got her priorities straight even in the heat of the battle.

And then McCoy put his hand in her face.  Which you just don’t do.

The rest is history.

m3

Clearly, the only way to solve this one was a Captain’s Battle Bonus Round.

Reminder:  You might wanna tip your waitress, cuz Camryn Harris just served you dinner.

In the end, it turned out that the Dolls actually had gone 30 seconds over on their Field Show routine and were docked points by all the judges, which dropped Dianna’s girls down to Second Place at the Awards.  She wasn’t happy with the math, but stood by their performance and was proud as ever.

As for the Stand Battle prize, Camryn swiped First Place right out from under the LCDC so fast they didn’t even see the trophy get tossed into the back of Dolls’ bus.

And for those of you who missed it the first time:  #IToldYouSo.

So the Dolls split the win this time.  And then it was over.

Another recap.  Another week closer to Summer Slam.

I didn’t realize how late is was.  No wonder I’m so tired.

DD4L!

Untitled

Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Return For One Last Look At The City Of Angels Mama Drama.

August 19th, 2015

mz

 

 

Swear to Gawd. If you’re filming this and I end up on that stupid blog, Imma sue you so hard.

 

 

hb

 

 

I will pick you up and carry you outta here, little boy. You see these arms? Mama does pilates.

 

 

js2

 

 

Cuz I will literally hitchhike back to PA if I have to watch that damn bra scene one more time.

 

iph6

 

 

Today’s show was brought to you by the letters A,L,D,C and the new iPhone 6 Plus sparkle case.

 

 

4dma

 

 

 

My a** she’s 45.

 

 

jmd

 

 

 

No. Really. You can let go now, honey. I’m actually here to see that other lady sitting over there.

 

 

jh

 

 

They’re gonna have to cut this pink coat off my cold, dead body. I look just like Rihanna, right?

 

 

 

I swear.

Family Reunions are exhausting.  Truly.

Between texting the invites (…Spoiler Alert:  and the un-invites…) and planning the menu and making sure your seating arrangements don’t result in a straight up bar brawl, the entire process can easily wear a person out before the guests even arrive.

Not to mention getting your hair did and picking out the right cocktail dress.

But leave it to The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh to get it done.

Dance Moms wrapped up and threw down this week with a look back at the most dramatic, turbulent, bleeped-out ALDC season yet.  And they even did it in fancy clothes.

After racking up more frequent flyer miles than the last four seasons combined, it was time to head back into that mysterious underground Collins Avenue Bunker and relive the magic one last time.  Cue the Infomercial Audience, because it’s time for…

Season 5: We Made It Out Alive.

almFrom the start, it was clear that sumthin was up.

Instead of opening up with my boy Jeff Collins nervously sitting at the cool table with Abby Lee Miller, this time around we got a flashback to a few hours earlier with Melissa and my MomCrush Jill in hot rollers, swiping through their cellphones, wondering if Abby was even going to show up for the Reunion Show taping.

Pretty hurts.  Trust me.

jv

Apparently, Abby had sent a mass text to all the Moms telling them to NOT show up for the taping, which clearly worked really well since everyone was already present and accounted for in the makeup chairs getting Mall Hair at 9:15 in the morning.

Kira had blocked Abby to prevent any unnecessary tweets and texts.  Holly had requested a sassy, on-trend messy bun.  And Jessalynn had straight up snatched the Biggest Bump-It Ever Award right out from under Jill’s nose while she was looking down at her phone.  You see that thing?

anigif_enhanced-16040-1410290361-12

Even Jess was all like DaaannnngGurrrrl…ILookGoooood.

jsTwo hours later, Abby finally arrived with a glass of Diet Coke that I swear she stole from Cracker Barrel.  Where else did it come from?  That was totally a glass they give you at restaurants with a lime, even if you say No Lime.

Everyone was all like “She’sHereShe’sHere!!” but Abby refused to speak to anyone, instead just sitting down in her assigned spot with a pile of construction paper notes that she pulled out of a giant bag and immediately tucked under her badonk for safe keeping.

She’s coming to set!  She’s just sitting in the chair!  She’s got papers!

She’s got explosives!

Beaker

Side note:  Have we learned nothing from Bravo TV?  Props at Reunion Shows are just asking for trouble.  Even if they’re just handwritten scribbles that you hold up like you’re being asked a question on The Newlywed Game.

Q.  How do you like the recap so far, Quad?

tumblr_mnjk67HVyW1ql5yr7o1_500Sure enough, as soon as production got rolling (…three hours late, if you’re counting…) Jeff asked Abby what she thought of the season finale debacle at Nationals and she started throwing up 8x10s like they were gang signs.

a1Lawd.  It was gonna be a long hour if this is how she’s playing it.

sheldon-throwing-papers-gifSide note:  The Moms were already seated around Jeff.  No intros this year.  No name tags.  Nothing.  We know them all by now, right?

Except for Jill and Melissa, maybe.  Not gonna lie.  Love them both, but I was having trouble telling them apart for most of the episode now that they have that Bouffant-y Blonde BFF Twin Thang going on.  Was it just me?

They looked to their right together.

mjAnd then straight ahead together.

mj3And then over there together.

mj2And then gave majorly awesome SideEye together.

mj6When they left the studio after taping, their hats even blew off together.

giphy-1But I love them.  Separately or together.

The controversy over Nationals (…Fixed?  Orchestrated?  Hot Mess?…) continued with Jess and Dr. Voice Of Reason Holly wondering why Abby had never questioned the authenticity of the awards back when the ALDC was winning everything.  Now that they came in Second Place you’re gonna start name calling?  Is that how we do?

Personally, I was questioning what kind of third rate local PR Agency this dude they kept calling Frank from Nationals (…not to be confused with Jake from State Farm, I guess…) uses if his entire reputation is being dragged through the Pittsburgh potholes on national television.

1.  This is Jake from State Farm.  Why isn’t he wearing a headset like the other guy?

tumblr_static_tumblr_static_bxbng5tfvvw4ksw048gk040oo_1280.jpg

2.  This is Frank from Nationals.  Why isn’t he drunk yet?

fAbby claimed that she didn’t know Frank and that they weren’t friends and that the ALDC had never gone to one of his (…allegedly…) crooked competitions, which was right about when my boy Bryan Stinson came out of the shadows long enough to shut it down before this thing turned into a two-parter.  Busted, lady.

Moral of the Story:  Jake fixes claims.  Frank doesn’t fix anything.  And Bryan wears a US Government-issued Secret Service earpiece for some reason.

Next question:  Where’s Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Candy Apples?

Answer:  There was no answer.  But Jeanette Cota got to come out and yell at Abby, so it was kind of the same thing.  At least until Jeff awkwardly decided to ‘Put A Pin In It’ and send Jeanette home 42 seconds later.

(That’s his legally copyrighted Housewives Catch Phrase, BTW.)

jc

Seriously.  Check the Instant Replay.  42 seconds, not counting getting situated in her snugly dress.  Apparently she left her flat iron plugged in or something, because Jeanette didn’t even have time to put a decent dent in the seat cushion before Jeff said “I know you need to leave” and sent her packing until Season Six.

Thanks for playing.  If you leave now, you’ll beat traffic.  Buh bye.  Wait.  What?

Side note: There were also random ALDC dance performances interspersed throughout the hour, but I know you’ve watched them a gazillion times on youtube, so I’m skimming through the artsy stuff.  The girls looked good, though.  They’re getting so big.

Next topic:  The lack of dance classes and/or dance training now that the gang had relocated to Hollywood.  Which is kinda sorta true.

We flashbacked to my MomCrush flipping out on Abby over stretch classes and then learned that all along we should have been doing our homework in full leotard splits.  We don’t need no dance teacher to put us through inner thigh stretches and flip flops while we go about our daily lives.

Who knew?

If you want the truth, I’m already kinda looking forward to the next time I balance my checkbook.  My goal is a 9.9 from the Russian judge if I can stick the landing.

jc1

Side note:  I liked the way Jeff kept looking off to the side to make sure Bryan was still there in the darkness.  Like…Dude, don’t even think of leaving me here alone.  You just know every corner of that studio was marked with people holding Maybelline oil blotting sheets and stun guns.

And how about this guy here, who can’t believe his life right now.  First his girl makes him miss the Game and come all the way downtown to the show and then she spends the whole hour gossiping with some random chick she doesn’t even know.

Worst.  KissCam.  Ever.

auAnd then we got to relive BraGate one more time.

You remember that one.  That was when Kira and her Hormones (…not to be confused with Jem and the Holograms, I suppose…) completely melted down in Fresno, forcing two hotel caterers to throw themselves over the back hallway staircase railing right before Abby pulled her top off like it was the last day of Spring Break.

And you know I’m dying to post that photo one more time.  You just know it.

But I promised I would not post that photo again this season.  People even begged me online through a Kickstarter page that’s almost up to $9.42.  So I won’t.

Instead, though, here’s a photo of a baby sneezing until it falls over.  Which is pretty much the same reaction I had when Abby took her top off, anyway.  Same diff.

Plus, Holly loves this gif.  So please do enjoy.

ac63e126f65b565db9bf4f58611bec74.jpgAbby claimed that she didn’t hug Kalani that day because there were so many kids begging for hugs that it went on and on and on for so long that she had to make it stop.

Previously unseen footage from that day in question:

72502-kissing-minions-gif-Imgur-8PBsJess and Holly were quick to jump in and point out that there were only 6 children in the entire building and if you hugged each of them for 5 seconds it would still only total up to 30 seconds of your life that you’d never get back.

Finally.  Dance Math I can understand.

Side note:  Jeff said “Simmer Down” which is something you usually only hear spoken by the same people who use the word “Shenanigans.”  Just needed to be pointed out.

And how about these guns, yo?

#HollyArms.haSomebody’s been doing their curls and dips.

True Fact:  I even got a tweet asking me if I knew what her arm workout was.  Because she and I are so tight, you know.

Yes, we’re besties.  But I’m not allowed to go to the gym with her because I take too long primping after we’re done Zumba class.  Some of us don’t wake up like dis, thank you.

And Mama hates waiting around.  Time is money, especially when you’re being strategic about your daughter’s new music career.

We even got a closeup of those arms in action when Holly threatened to knock over a tripod camera and walk off the set after she and Jill got into a…umm…rather heated discussion on whether or not the West Coast had changed Dr. Frazier, which escalated quickly into an argument on tardiness, falsifying information and whether or not The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia ever went to school.

#HollyHulkSmash.

Here’s a thought:  If your Mama is a former school principal, I’m pretty certain you’re getting an education somehow somewhere.

Luckily, my boy Bryan picked up on all the drama in his left ear and jumped out of the shadows one more time to keep Holly on set.  He even posed just like this, which is the same pose he uses on his Learning Annex Self Help Seminar posters and the same pose he used when he unveiled the new iPads last year.

Am I lying?  I swear he’s the same guy from the Apple website.

bs

Side note:  Holly made this face a lot when she just wasn’t having it anymore.

hniAnd then we got to see the full premiere of Nia’s new music video!!

Yaaaaaas, Gawd.  #SLAY.

Fabulously introduced by my new Fabulous boy Mikey Minden, who had shown up at Frank from Nationals…umm…Nationals…last week to unveil the completed jam to a full house crowd, the video was on fire.nmFiyah.

tumblr_nsme5526OE1tb8iyko3_500Yeah.  What she said.

Side note:  Abby made this face when a Big Girl popped up on screen.  Bad memories, I guess.  And what’s going on with that guy behind her in the First Day of School hoodie?

Watch him Whip.  Watch him Nene.  Or not.

avFinally, there was just enough time to get Kira married off.

Dat’s rite.  After taking heat and hot flashes for being with child with no ring, Kira’s boyfriend David showed up to propose.  Just like on Ellen or something.

I know Jill was excited to see him.  You see her clamp onto him like a bear trap?  Don’t stick your foot in that.  Just saying.

We love David.  He’s a rather handsome gentleman, too.

d

He’s kind of a cross between the guy who hosts The Bachelor and somebody who would be ON The Bachelor giving good GuyCry.  Am I right?  Especially with Holly and Jess’s abnormally big hair in the way, doesn’t this picture look exactly like a scene from last season’s Fantasy Suite elimination?

d1Look at how happy they are.  David even kissed Kalani on the head.

kkAbby’s split personality oddly kicked in during the engagement festivities as she ran around in circles taking pictures on her iPhone.  That was strange.  But it was nice to see everyone on the same side for a few minutes.  Congratulations to the happy couple.

These two wish he wasn’t off the market, tho.  You can just tell.

451And then it was over.  Pretty much.

Abby rambled on for a few minutes about the future of the ALDC and about going out when you’re on top even though they’re not on top right now and something about how the girls are growing up and can no longer compete in the junior age categories and she’s going to Panama with Maddie and Mackenzie and how she’s only 45 years old and she didn’t say she was dismantling the team Jeff said that and she was planning on retiring but she didn’t and now she is ending one journey and beginning another one and she kept talking in one long run-on sentence just the way I’m typing it now which made it so hard to understand that I stopped listening after they said there would be a Season Six.

I dunno.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500 It’s over.  But it’s not over.  And that’s all that matters.

We’re just taking a break.  Before you know it…Dance Moms will be back again.

Season 5 is in the can.  We made it through another one.  And it’s been a blast.

And that calls for a celebration.

Nia.  Sing us outta here, willya?

See you guys next season!

Muah.

 

Bring It!: Selena’s Winning At Twinning With Her Makeover Madness. Wham Bam Getting Closer To Summer Slam.

August 16th, 2015

mfc

 

 

Here’s hooty hoping we might actually make it through one whole recap without another weave joke.

 

cobe

 

 

 

Before Mama turns around and kills my vibe, how many of you lovelies wanna split a juice box?

 

fh

 

 

 

Unless you’re hiding John Stamos back there, get this damn Full House sticker outta my face now.

 

ss

 

 

 

You know I can’t hear nuthin with this thing on my head, right? You just keep on talking, lady.

 

jj

 

 

 

What this Daddy’s gotta do is go get himself one of them dryer hats so I don’t have to listen to any of these woman.

 

fl

 

 

 

For the last time, little man…I don’t work at Foot Locker and I’m not helping you find Jordans.

 

 

mmkk

 

 

 

That. Was. Hilarious.

 

 

 

 

 

Which apologies to The Outer Limits, of course…

Attention People of Earth:

There is nothing wrong with your television set.

tumblr_lis401VbAe1qcay1ao1_500

Do not attempt to adjust the picture.  We are controlling the transmission.  If we wish to make it louder, we will bring up the volume and pump up the jam.  If we wish to make it softer, we will tune it to a whisper, though that’ll probably never happen with all these crazy Mamas in the building.

We will control the horizontal.  We will control the vertical.  We will buck or die trying.

And most importantly, you are not seeing double.

tw4

Well, no.  Psych.  Actually you are.  Because it’s Star and Sky.

twOr Sky and Star.  I forget.  I don’t think anyone really knows.

twBut either way, they are straight up adorbz.

So cute.  So funny.  And totally getting dem moves from their Mama and their Baby Daddy.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.  Hold that thought.

Bring It! was back for another round of competitions this week, inching Dianna Williams and her Dancing Dolls closer and closer to the highly anticipated grand finale Summer Dance Slam Championship.

Side note:  I think I screwed up last week and forgot the ‘Dance’ part when I called it the Summer Slam Championship…which actually is a WWE Wrestling Throwdown, not a hip hop thingamajig.  Not that any of these DDPs couldn’t hold their own in a ring with Ryback or The Undertaker.  Trust me.  My Vegas money would absolutely be sitting on Tina.

t3

I just want to make sure we’ve got the names right in case anyone is doing a book report on this when school starts in the Fall.

The More You Know, kids.

With only three days before the Buck To The Beat Competition, Miss D was already shaking things up again.  The Dolls would be competing in the Hip Hop Solo and Stand Battle categories, so a new face was taking over the solo spot this week.

Ladies and Gentlemen…Miss Ken’Janae and her sassy hat:

kj2K’J (…I call her K’J cuz we’re tight and her name is a freakin’ autocorrectin’ spellcheck nightmare, yo…) has been with the Dolls for 2.5 years but never featured in a solo routine until now.  Best known for trio work and for chest pumping a male dancer right through the back of the Dollhouse and into the side of a dumpster (…“That all you got, Boyeee? That all you got?”…) K’J was understandably excited and yet nervous for her first solo.

This week, the Dolls would be going up against the Original Divas School Of Dance, the Pink Dazzling Diamonds, the Infamous Dancerettes and the Girls Who Can Name All The Guys In 5SOS But Don’t Recognize Their Own Cousins At A Wedding.

Flashback:  Yes.  THOSE Infamous Dancerettes.  John Connor was back in the hizzle.

jc

Haters gonna hate hate hate.

Since K’J’s solo routine was going to utilize backup dancers in the intro before she hit the floor, Dianna brought in two special guests to help make sure it would be awesome.

Warning:  Some of you ladies may want to put down your sippy cups right now before you choke on them, because Cobe Williams just entered the building.

fans-screaming-gif

Dat’s rite.

Miss D’s baby boy was breaking it down in the front row like a true playground playa, busting a move to Dollhouse choreographer Tim Jone‘s routine like it was in his DNA.

Which it probably is, given his gene pool.

I mean, look at this little nugget in a photo that I totally lifted from Dianna’s page while I was creeping her online:

CMaSTQlVAAAYuopI dare you to try and take this dude’s milk money while 47 of his girlfriends are stampeding around the monkey bars, swinging Hello Kitty lunch boxes trying to protect their Boo.

#CobeIsBae.

And if you’re a female in the Jackson, MS area between the ages of 5 and 9…prepare to have your heart broken a few times at recess, cuz there’s only so much CDawg to go around.  Sorry, ladies.

It was during the intro rehearsal that Dianna began having some twin trouble.

c78a677038d9dd69_ShiningTwinsShe couldn’t tell Star and Sky apart, which drove Seloncé crazy back in the DDP/IKEA Lounge.  Granted, the entire team looked the same on that fuzzy monitor, but Seloncé knew better.  One is Star.  One is Sky.  Der.

After a quick group hustle to the front of the building for a better view (…so you finally get seats inside the building and now y’all running back outside every week? What?…) Seloncé announced her plan to take the Twins in for a salon makeover that would finally give them their own identities.  Silly Rabbit.  I don’t even remember what she said after that because all the crazy was drowning out her voice.

Love Seloncé.  To Infinity & Beyond.

This Week’s Captain’s Dance Your Pants Off Dance Off:  Crystianna vs. Makalah.  And it was Makalah for the Win.  If her energy’s as big as her eyes during competition, we good.

Psychic Prediction:  Camryn‘s time is coming soon.  Very soon.  And she will own it.

But right now was Makeover Time!

Heeeeeeeeey, Queen!  No lie.  That’s how the salon owner greeted Seloncé when she walked in with JJ and the Twins.  And that’s also how I think we should all be greeted from now on, anytime we enter a building anywhere in the world.

And how about that lady under the dryer back there who can’t believe a camera crew just walked into the salon and now her stylist is just standing there striking a pose instead of taking her rollers out.  Lawd have mercy, I’m on the TV.  Fix it, Geezis.

qThe next few hours were a combination of that scene in The Wizard of Oz where the Cowardly Lion got his mane teased out and what a imagine a Real Housewives of Atlanta weave snatch might look like in reverse.

Hair just kept getting attached and bigger and bigger and JJ kept getting Baby Daddy-er and Baby Daddy-er as the minutes passed.  Clearly, he was not a huge fan of anything that sped up the aging process on his baby girls, but he supported them like always.

Side note:  We’ll discuss all the amazing parental support on this show in a minute.

The next day during the Big Reveal, JJ introduced them as The Wonder Twins, which didn’t make any sense since on the cartoon show one is a Boy and one is a Girl.

tumblr_mp0lrjQusy1qf9ojzo1_500But the girls ARE wonderful, even though nobody could tell them apart any better after the makeover.  So, yeah.  Wonder Twins.  This is one of them right here.

tw5

And then it was Prom Time!

Over at Casa Jones, Kayla and Tina and Daddy Terrell were all getting ready for Prom.

I swear.  All of ’em.  Cuz Mama and Daddy were going as chaperones to Kayla’s last high school prom.  E’rryone was primpin’.  And e’rrybody was at the house.

Tina’s Mama was even there, along with a bunch of other relatives all SnapChatting and iPhone-ing pictures like they were Jackson paparazzi.  There was even a tiny baby who was either a superhero or had his bib on backwards.  Check him out.

tf

Side note:  If you Google ‘Family Love’…that right there is what you’ll see.

Kayla looked amazing.  Terrell looked like he just got ripped out of the Men’s Warehouse catalog.  And Tina was all FoxyMama, posing in front of that wide screen like she was giving it away on The Price Is Right.  Come on down!!!!

t 2They clean up real nice.

And then it happened.  Terrell proposed!

tumblr_n96v0nGVq41tb8iyko1_500I know, right?  Best.  Prom.  Ever.

Tina was all like…t1And all shaking like…

t4And then it really happened.  After 20 years of waiting…he put a ring on it!

haCongratulations!  Hope you like gift cards, cuz I’m too cheap to pay postage on a blender.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And time to meet Ken’Janae’s Mama Celest.

She is da bomb.  In her headshot confessional she kinda looked like the judge from that afternoon court show who keeps praying to Heaven that she doesn’t lose it and throw the actual book at the defendants.  I forget the name of it…it’s on before Ellen.

But when we met her in the bleachers you could totally tell she’s the one who laughs the loudest when she’s at those painting parties that serve unlimited wine and cheese and then expect you to replicate a floral centerpiece when you’re half in the bag.  Know what I’m talking about?  Do they even have those parties in Jackson?

dd4

I can totally see Mama Celest laughing so hard she spits her gum out.  Just like Mimi, who we have mad love for, BTW.

lf

Did I already ask why this show isn’t two hours long?  Because I meant to.

I also meant to point out how perfect it is every week when you witness the support that everyone gives to everyone else, regardless of who’s dancing or winning or losing or getting cut and sitting on the floor.

Yeah.  Of course the Mamas support their own kid first and foremost.  Duh.  It’s called parenting for a reason.  But that doesn’t stop them from being cheerleaders for all the girls.  Dianna wouldn’t have it any other way.

Haters gonna hate, but Winners gonna win win win.

And look at this little peanut in the audience who just realized she has hands.  babyFor some reason, the Pink Team dropped out at the last minute, so through the luck of the draw (…and Hip Hop Math, which seems almost more confusing than Dance Moms Math…) the Dolls were automatically pushed into the final round of the competition while the Infamous Dancerettes and Original Divas would have to fight it out for their spot.

But first, it was the solos.

mktK’J killed it.  That’s all you need to know.

That and the fact that John was NOT happy when 47 Dancing Dolls and a 20 foot tall boom box came out to accompany their soloist.  Not happy at all.  If it’s a solo, why is the entire team out on the floor?

Needless to say, Dianna re-read the rules, tossed them in the air and shut him down.

m

Since this is Lifetime Television, the next scene was the contractually required hallway run-in scene that occurs in every episode of every show aired on this network.  Srsly.

Have you ever watched Dance Moms?  Every week.  Is there only one exit door in these buildings?  That can’t even be up to fire code.

Dianna and John went a few more rounds regarding who stole whose choreography and then Miss D shut him down for the second time in 9 minutes.  You don’t mess with someone who’s wearing prison stripes.  You just don’t.

Then it was the Dolls vs. Infamous Dancerettes in the Stand Battle.

It was a tight race.  The iD girls clearly had a little salsa on their gumbo, as Tina was quick to point out.  And they had a big girl who kept up just fine with the skinny ones.  I love Tina’s insights.  Why she hasn’t been contacted by the NFL called her for play-by-play yet is beyond me.

Look at how cute this young lady looks.

ch

And how crazy this one looks.  But it’s always the good kind.  ♥♥♥♥

sjAs soon as the Dolls hit the floor, Dianna could tell something was off.  She wasn’t sure what wassup with her girls, but something wasn’t right.

Whatever it was, in the end it cost them the First Place trophy, which John was more than happy to scoop up and take back to the iD bus.  Dolls came in Second, which is always a bummer.  But always a Learning Experience and a Teaching Moment.

Cuz that’s how Miss D do.

And how about we holla at my girl Ken’Janae for snatching First Place?

Not too shabby or your first time out there on your own.  You go, girl.

kj

Another week closer to Summer Slam Dance Competition.

And Tina’s wedding.

DD4L!

tumblr_njh6prUo4A1s2wio8o1_500


%d bloggers like this: