Bring It!: When The Baby Dolls Return To Battle The Baby Tigerettes Again, You Might Wanna Call Your Mama.

August 29th, 2014

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I need you to stop crying and bring your juice box over to that lady lying on the floor behind me.

 

 

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Those Mamas tho. I mean…dang.

 

 

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Lawd, please don’t let me break a hip. Or a nail when I slap that crazy bitch.

 

 

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Yeah. Imma need you to hold my hoops cuz Meerkat Mimi ’bout to come out the damn hole.

 

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It’s Mighty Tiny Power Rangers Morphin’ Time! Cute-o-sauras!

 

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The forecast says Storm Mimi ’bout to move in. And she’s gonna make it rain up in here, y’all.

 

 

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Those Mamas tho. I mean…dang.

 

 

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Let’s just say my Bake Sale Nissan ain’t the only pretty thing with sweet stuff in the trunk.

 

 

 

Yo Mama.

Or should I say…Whoa, Mama.

Lawd have mercy, Bring It! brought it this week.

And it was super-sized and pint-sized all at the same time.

After 16 episodes of back-to-buck competitions (…see what I did there?…) it looked like the Dancing Dolls were finally going to get a week off to catch their breath and finish Instagraming their prom pictures.  Or at least some of them would.

The Big Ones, anyway.

Which meant that it was time for Coach Dianna Williams to activate the tiniest troops and send them into Stand Battle.  And time for me to squeal like an excited little girl.

Dat’s rite.  The Baby Dancing Dolls were back in the hizzle!

Full disclosure.  Before the opening credits even finished rolling, I was already running in circles just knowing that the ‘Baby Don’t Mean Baby’ Babies were back.

Because they are straight up awesome.  Awe.  Some.

But let’s start at the beginning.  Which was outside on some Jackson park bench somewhere as Miss D met up with everyone’s favorite neighborhood SnoopDawg Mimi to have some Starbucks, fill her in on all the deets and speak in some language that I had never heard before.

Which totally happened.

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As soon as Dianna sat down next to Mimi she noticed some big ol’ bug on Mimi’s top lip and then the whole thing just turned into a Lucy and Ethel Moment that even my complete Rosetta Stone box set couldn’t help me decipher.

Remember back when you were on the grammar school playground and you made up a secret language that only you and your BFF could understand?  It was like that.  But also kind of like those Gremlins you were never supposed to feed after midnight.  And a little bit like something from the original Star Trek that I just couldn’t put my finger on.

Hilarious.  Especially when the bug jumped from Mimi’s lip to Dianna’s lap.  I could tell that they were both freaking out, especially when Miss D ran down the block trying to escape what I assume was probably just a mosquito.

I have no idea what they were saying.  But I also have no idea how big the bugs in Jackson really are, so maybe the panic was justified.

But let’s face it.  When Mimi completely F***s up your closed captioning within the first 3 minutes of an episode, you just know it’s gonna be a good show.

Since the Original Recipe Dolls were going to be chilling out this week, the BDDs AND the DDP Mamas would be the ones competing in front of the judges.

Wait.  What?  Did she just say the DDP Mamas?  Shut up.  Could this day get any better?

Yes.  Yes it could.  And it did.

Because next thing you knew, we had scooted right back to the Dollhouse Dance Factory mothership to hang out with all the little BDD niblets, who were somehow way-past-naptime sleepy and yet completely wide eyed all at the same time.

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Especially when Miss D let all the tiny squirts know that the DDP Mamas would be performing at the Buck Hard Or Go Home competition right alongside the Baby Dolls.

Since the BDDs are all too small to swear or ride any of the rides at Six Flags, they instead opted for some OhHellNah cartoon bug eyes when they heard the news and then went back to just being adorbz.

Especially that patootie Taelar.

You remember Taelar.  She’s the one who waves her arms in the air whenever she gets overly excited, which in turn makes me do the exact same thing until I just want to snatch her out of the room and go see a Frozen matinee.  You know she would sing along to every song at the top of her lungs and never put her arms down for two hours.

Again.  Awesome.

As we’ve seen over the last few months, there seems to be a limitless supply of Dolls that keep showing up at the Dollhouse.  Same thing this week.

Once we got reacquainted with BDD Captain Kayla, who has hair that I have yet to really figure out, we met Co-Captain Destiny and her smiley, wobbly head.

Destiny is a hoot.  And a half, actually.  And she has a soft spoken maturity and wisdom that certainly doesn’t match up with her little comic book shirt and gift wrap hair bow.  She talked about not being scared and always trying your best and something about growing up that completely went over my head.

She’s da bomb.

This week the BDDs and the not-so-baby DDPs would be going up against the bite-sized Baby Prancing Tigerettes, the Mamas of Virtuous Divine and the Girls Who Are Too Old For My Little Pony But Still Too Young For Those Naughty Bratz Dolls. 

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And speaking of Mamas.

Outside on the sidewalk, the Mama were pretty wound up for a weeknight.

Weekly disclaimer:  Love.  Them.  Dot com.

My girl Tina was dancing around the sidewalk, because that’s just how she do.  It’s Rittany bitch had just bought herself a pretty fancy daisy chain headband from that new Woodstock LoveChild Collection down at Claire’s.  Seloncé was rocking an entirely fresh new weave right out of the bag.  And SnoopDawg was letting it slip that the DDPs would be hitting center stage this weekend.

Apparently, Seloncé had cut the tags off her new ‘do but forgotten to rinse out all the Krazy before she put it on, because as soon as Mimi started talking about the competition the two of them went at it.

Donkey Kong.  It was on like that.

Seloncé questioned the authenticity of the DDP news leak.  Rittany wanted to know what planet Seloncé grew up on and then took a moment to pray that the Good Lord wash away all the sins and insanity from Seloncé’s body.  Tina danced some more (…because that’s how she do…) and then the next thing you knew, Mimi was having a hot flash and putting her hair up in a ponytail like they do on VH1 right before someone gets slapped on Elimination Night.

When Mimi pulls out a scrunchy, takes off two earrings and one sneaker…you know she means bidnezz.

I think I’m going to need to use next week’s disclaimer just to restate how much I love these ladies.  Especially this week.

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Back inside, Taelar was still being redoinkulously cute while the tiniest BDD of all the BDDs started to cry.  Poor little Bailey was having a rough time keeping up with the choreography and Dianna was not happy.

Cut the kid some slack.  You try doing a hitch kick into a back flip into a booty pop and then land a face plant while the tape on your Pampers Pull-Up is cutting off the circulation in your left leg.  I swear that kid was like two years old.

A few other BDDs were not getting on Miss D’s good side either.  But ‘Baby Don’t Mean Baby’…so suck it up like that pacifier in your back pocket.

And then the DDP Mamas hit the rehearsal floor.

Literally.

Rittany don’t dance.  She’s Big.  And Beautiful.  And whatever that third “B” was that she used.  But she don’t dance.

She does, however, require plenty of hydration and some down time on the floor.  But she wasn’t giving up the fight for nuthin.  This one was for Crystianna.

This is as good a place as any to give a quick nod to how Bring It! always shows the positive side of family and friends and how much they all love and support each other.  Even the crazy ones.  The show just makes you smile.

And twerk.  Not gonna lie.  Twerk.

As the Mamas turnt it up and sweat it out inside the Factory, the Dancing Doll Daddies were all outside laying down their own groove.

Waymit?  DDDs are also in the hizzle?  That’s it.  I call your awesome bet and raise it to Infinity & Beyond.

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JJ, Calvin and Terrell were doing their own DaddyDancing out on the sidewalk, and it was pretty sweet.  Especially JJ, who was channeling Saturday Night Live‘s Church Lady in disturbingly perfect form, cuz you know…that whole Daddy’s Gotta Do thang.

Next thing you knew, the Daddies were all inside the building still doing what they gotta do.  And then the next…next…thing you knew, they were added into the DDP Mama Show as a Secret Weapon and my arms went up like Taelar for the rest of the episode.

Finally, it was Showtime!

My boy Quincy Oliver was back with the Baby Prancing Tigerettes.  All two of them.  And for the first time we got to see all the way into both of Quincy’s ear canals because he finally took out that Verizon earpiece he’d been wearing since the first episode.

Before I even saw his girls dance I gave Quincy 10 bonus points just for his outfit.  Dude was born to wear a bow tie like a Boss.

Virtuous Divine Director Fulvia was also back and she had snuck in some VDDs through the back door when nobody was looking.  That clearly sounded more perverted than it was intended.  I think the ‘VDD’ part probably doesn’t help her cause any.

But I was talking about Dads, not herpes, thank you very much.

Since the Baby Dolls heads were already weighed down with so much weave and spray, now was as good a time as any for Dianna’s pre-game prayer.  I love how much hair the BDDs have when they’re all glammed up.

It makes Taelar feel sassy, you know.

Did I mention that Rittany looked gooooood?  Because she did.  She also mentioned it to everyone, just in case there was any doubt after her hallway booty pop.

Life.  These ladies give me Life.  Don’t make me keep asking for a two hour show.

Mimi’s face, though.

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All the Mamas were looking fly.  And they knew it.

First out were the Mamas of Virtuous Divine.  And their no longer secret Secret Weapon VDDs.  You know how difficult it is to keep VDD a secret for very long.

Whatever.  They were good.  But it was when the DDPs came out that the crowd went even crazier than Seloncé.  (Who owned that floor, BTW.)

Tina was front and center, cuz that’s how she do.  Mimi was giving KardashianFace for days.  Rittany was keeping up like a pro.  And Seloncé looked exactly how I imagine the other Beyoncé must have looked on the night before she kicked Michelle and Kelly to the curb.

And then they made it rain up in there.  Dollah Dollah Bill, yo.  Yanked right out of their Mom Bras and tossed into the air like I don’t know what.

By the time JJ, Calvin and Terrell side stepped their way onto the floor the crowd was on its feet.  JJ even had a lollipop.  Because he’s JJ and he wanted a lollipop.

There was even a solo line dance like they used to do on Soul Train.

It was Parental Booty, Booty, E’rrywhere.

Best.  PTA.  Meeting.  Ever.

By the time the Baby Dolls hit the floor for the Stand Battle, half the audience was already on oxygen.  The BPTs had beaten the BDDs last time they met, so the Baby Dolls were out for Juice Box Justice this time around.  And it showed.

These little things can move, y’all.  Even Quincy was impressed, you could tell.  He also kept saying that he didn’t want to toot his own horn and then went on to toot his own horn a lot, so I’m not sure what his point was by the end.  I was digging his sweater, though.

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Dianna had clearly taught the BDDs well, because they were throwing just as much shade as Big Kayla and the Dolls do when they walk backwards after every Stand.  It was just more Fisher Price than F*** You Up.  They’re like four feet tall, for crying out loud.

When the dust settled, the judges couldn’t make up their minds and made the two teams come back out for a tie breaker, which got all the little kids excited because they thought Dianna said “Jaw Breaker.”  And who doesn’t love that big ball of candy?

The DDPs…Mamas and Daddies…took home the First Place trophy, which Tina snatched out of the emcee’s hands like it was closing time at the Buffet.  That moment alone probably requires that I post Tina’s ‘Fat Girl Shuffle’ video at the bottom of this mess, just because.  Look for it.  She is hilarious.

Even though there was some disagreement, the Baby Prancing Tigerettes swiped First Place away from the Baby Dolls, which was not cool.  Not cool at all.

But again, it was a chance to turn a negative into a positive and make Second Place a learning experience.

Dianna was proud of them.

I was proud of them.

And my Taelar arms had gone completely numb.

DD4L!

And DDP4L!

And DDD4L!

And BDD4L!

Now let’s go celebrate.  I’m starving.

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Dance Moms: All The First Ladies…Put Your Hands Up! In DC, The Politics Of Dancing Give Chloe Her Revenge.

August 27th, 2014

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You need to stop hating on us New Moms. That strap looks exactly like a real Louis bag.

 

 

h3

 

 

What you need to do is give those tiny shorts back to your daughter and then maybe we can talk .

 

 

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If I had known that slapping her really voids your contract, Kelly and I would be at Disneyland today.

 

 

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Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie

 

 

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They were booty shorts. I used to send kids home with a note for hoochin’ up in those things.

 

 

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Do you think they’re coming back or can we start working on those mozzarella sticks over there?

 

 

ava

 

 

So am I the only one concerned that it says ‘suck’ and ‘flank’ on the board behind me? Really?

 

 

 

And so it begins.  Again.

The Road to Nationals.

Get used to hearing it.  A lot.

It’s a pretty big deal.  At least according to the Dance Moms Advisory System, because we’re already at Threat Level: Orange and there are still five weeks to go.

And you could tell, because as soon as Abby Lee Miller activated the Countdown Clock, everyone started running around like they were Jack Bauer trying to single handedly intercept a Candy Apples drone strike aimed directly at the ALDC.

I actually suggested to Lifetime TV that they incorporate the 24:Live Another Day digital ticker before every commercial break leading up to Nationals, but they haven’t responded yet.  I also suggested they pay me to write these hilarious recaps and send me advance DVD copies of each episode so I can get some sleep on Tuesday nights, but that hasn’t happened either.  I must have the wrong email address.

Regardless, even when Cathy Nesbitt-Stein has your studio in the crosshairs of an impending launch sequence, there’s still time for a quick Pyramid of Shame.

As everyone trampled in for the latest reveal, the room was almost filled to capacity.  The Original Recipe Moms and dancers were once again joined by most of the New Select Moms and their offspring.  Hiatus is over.  Back to work, New People.

Reunited and it feels so good.

They were coming out of the woodwork.  Moms For Miles, which should totally be the name of a charity walk if it’s not already.

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Future City Council wife Loree and Jade were still hanging with the Original Moms, so the scale was tipped a little heavy on the Elite Team side of the room, which didn’t go unnoticed by the Select Moms.

Side note:  Every time they called themselves the Select Moms all I could think of was low-sodium soup or that dog food you have to cut with a knife.

Have you ever seen Freshpet Select at the store?  You should Google it.  It looks exactly like the Pillsbury Tollhouse Cookie sausage that you cut and bake.

Except that it’s dog food.

Trust me, you do not want to confuse the two when you’ve got the munchies at 3am after stumbling home from a frat party.  At least that’s what a friend told me, I mean.

At the Pyramid, there was only one Christi this week, so it was easier to keep track of who said what snarky thing to Abby.

Christi #1 was there behind Chloe.  Kristie #2 was off doing that Raising Asia show with the guy from Fame who used to have a mullet.  And Christ-y #3 was still banned from the studio and was presumably back home somewhere taking out the garbage.

Seriously.  This show sure has a lot of Christies.

Jeanette and Ava were back after spending time shopping at (…legally required disclaimer…) Not-Forever 21.  Tami and tiny Tea’ were also standing there, getting all OhNoYou’reNotStayingWithTheOldTeam as soon as they saw Loree.

My girl Kamryn even took a breather from over-achieving and managed to find some time to pop on another glitzy headband and hang with her New Team homies.  Mom Jodi was behind her looking all proud of the Kia Kamster’s recently awarded Nobel Peace Prize, even though she could barely see over her daughter’s head.

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Tracy and Sarah (…no ‘R’ needed this week since the other Sarah was MIA…) were also in the line-up, though I don’t think this Sarah actually talked during the entire episode.

Bottom of the Pyramid:  MackZ, Chloe and Nia.  Middle row: Jade and Kendall.   

Jade had a really gorgeous headshot that thankfully didn’t incorporate fans or anything that would make Mom say “She looks the part” again.  How odd was that last week?

And then Maddie was at the top.  Rinse and Repeat.

FYI…just so you know.  I have it from a reliable source that they had to reshoot part of this scene because Holly‘s hip hop majorette outfit was showing underneath her long blue dress.  It’s true.  You could totally see the silver fringe.

I told you when Dr. Beyoncé started wearing her hair all clipped and swept to one side that I knew something was up.  That’s some serious Bring It! hair if I’ve ever seen it.

DB4L!

It was also nice to see that Melissa and my MomCrush Jill had finally worked out an arrangement where they would alternate who wore the Bump-It so there was no more unnecessary competition in that category.  You go, Mrs. Z-G and all your big hair.

Jackin’ it to Jesus like they used to say on Toddlers & Tiaras.

This week the mob scene was headed to Washington, DC for the Believe Dance Competition.  Ava scored a ‘Drizzle’ solo (…like the rain, not the ice cream syrup…) which got her very excited.  Maddie was also handed a solo which was going to be set to music written specifically for her, because apparently she is now also an inspiration to songwriters as well as all the kids down at Miss Tina’s School of Tap.

(Spoiler Alert:  You just wait till this song lady shows up.)

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Miley Cyrus licked a sledge hammer and sat naked on a Wrecking Ball to beat out Sia at the VMAs this week, BTW.  Which was not cool.  Not cool at all.  Maddie was robbed.

The New Team would dance a group routine entitled ‘First Ladies’ which was right up Loree’s alley if you’ve ever seen her Bucket List.  But unfortunately she and Jade stayed with the Old Team, which would be doing a number called ‘America Gone.’

Side note:  I’m calling them Old and New from now on, because I keep losing track of Elite and Select and Junior Elite and Junior Select and Normal ALDC labels.  This show has really gotten to be a lot or work lately.

Oh.  And Chloe got booted to the New Team to balance things off a little.

Christi Meltdown in 3…2…1.

As the New Moms hit the Old MomPerch (…see how much work this is now?…) the Old Moms (…no offense intended…) and one relocated New Mom headed outside for some fresh air and smack talk.

Honestly, I don’t even remember what they talked about before they went back inside because they were all standing in front of a new secret door that we’d never seen before.  What is that?  With the pink awning?  Did you see that?  Is that a yogurt place?  Because that would be awesome after a long rehearsal.  It didn’t match the ALDC door, so now I need to know what’s going on over there.

Remember how the Candy Apples joint had that secret attached beef jerky store that we never saw until Chloe put on a meat dress?  Maybe that’s a thing now.  (Lucrative side businesses…not meat dresses.)

Anyone reading this in Pittsburgh who can scoot over on their lunch break and tell me what the dealio is?  I’d be forever grateful and I’ll even cover your mileage if it’s a hike.

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The next day, ALL the Moms ended up outside again.  The Old ones and the New ones.  And we probably need to talk about these shorty shorts that Jeanette and Tami insist on wearing every day.

What the what?  OMG.  Mom, you’re embarrassing me.  Totes McGotes Embar.

You know Holly was dying inside.  Dying.  Jill, on the other hand, didn’t even try to hide her smirk and just made me love her more.  When she pretends to be having issues with her bangs…that’s VertesCode for Hot Mess.

And what’s with the pervy camera man who always shoots them from behind every time they wear those things?  Cuz he does.  You saw it.  And I saw it.  Remember when Tami threw down in the lobby and then walked outside?  Butt shot.

And he did it again this time as the Old Moms went inside and the New Moms wandered off into the distance.  And where do they keep going that they always need to walk away from the building in the middle of taping?

I’ll bet you a FroYo with sprinkles from the pink awning store that next week it’s in slow motion like Baywatch.

Rant is over.  Moving on.

Clearly, shifting Chloe to the New Team had really gotten under Christi’s skin, because she didn’t let up for a minute about how they were all now set up to fail.  She was super-sizing her negativity this week.  Ava is the sacrificial lamb going up against Maddie and Jade.  Blah Blah.  And one more Blah.

And then Rachel Sage showed up to celebrate National Maddie Day by singing a special Maddie Song.  And it was…colorful.

Google her.  We loved her.  She’s a SoHo BoHo WhoaNo independent visual artsy singer songwriter type who looks exactly like you’d imagine someone would look if they had filmed Blue’s Clues in Greenwich Village and made a puppet out of construction paper and glitter that came to life once you found the magic unicorn dust.

Exactly like that.  But with a flower in her hair.

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She was borderline obsessed with Maddie and had written her a coffee shop guitar song with a chorus that went something like “None of the other girls matter.”  I forget exactly.

Everyone was a little WhoaNoSheDin’tJustSingThat.  Especially Christi, who was really not having a good week.  But Rachel meant well.  I even put on my felt beret and finger snapped when she was done.  It’s a look that I might hold on to for Fall until it gets cold.

As the competition got closer, Christi got crankier, Ava fumbled around with her drizzly umbrella prop and Loree invited all the New Moms to lunch so they could discuss why everyone thought she was a traitor.

Side note:  Jeanette wore a Not-Forever 21 top in an interview sniglet that had a big knife gash across the chest, which I sincerely hope didn’t happen when she was alone in the parking lot wearing those booty shorts.  Maybe that’s why they always travel in packs.  I’d hate for anything to happen to any of them.

Should probably also mention that somedays Jeanette has some seriously curly Flashdance hair going on up there.  Just needed to be addressed.

Don’t get me wrong.  I like her.  She’s kinda crazy.  I’m just not sure what kind of crazy she is yet.

At the New Mom luncheon, two Old Moms snuck in as back-up for Loree.  Jill and Melissa joined them either to stir the pot or have some free wings on Loree’s dime, neither of which went over very well with the New Moms.

Apparently all the drama stemmed from the fact that the New Moms had been together a whole whopping TWO weeks before the hiatus and now Loree couldn’t understand why they still weren’t all Besties.

Two weeks?  Really?  Honey, when I was a freshman in college and lived in a triple at the dorm I didn’t even know my third roommate’s name for a month.  Take it down a notch.

Luckily, Melissa forgot to put quarters in the meter and the three of them left as soon as they got there, so not much was accomplished aside from leaving way too many untouched tasty appetizers on the table.

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Gah.  There are starving kids in Boston, ladies.

I don’t even know what kind of tulle ballet skirt looking thing Christi was wearing in the next MomPerch scene when she threw Jeanette to the Abby Wolves down in the studio, so we just need to skip this one completely.  I’m serious.

Bonus Points to Gianna for either being aggressively firm in her Pro-Umbrella stance or being a total beeotch when Jeanette tried to get the prop taken out of Ava’s dance.  The jury is still out on that one, but clearly…Gia don’t play.  Triple points, actually.

Finally, it was Showtime.  And Umbrellagate.

Did they switch umbrellas in the middle of the routine?  Did they film two versions and fake out the part where it turned inside out on stage?  Why did it look like a lighter blue by the end of Ava’s dance?

So many unanswered questions that everyone posted on Twitter with incorrect spelling last night.  Oy Vey.

I dunno.  But Ava’s umbrella popped inside out like it does to me every time I come around the corner by Burger King.  You’d think I’d learn by now, because even when I don’t do a split into a belly arch my umbrella still reverses itself and I’m out another $3.99.

Yes, I buy the cheap ones from the Lotto place when it starts raining.  Don’t you judge me.

Backstage, Abby went bazoinkers.  Ava sat on her Mom’s lap (…what?…) and fanned herself with her hand like she was getting all verklempt at a Barbra Streisand concert.

I swear to Gawd she did that.

Get off yo’ Mama!  (Abby said that, not me…)

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Both group routines were comparable in skill set and level of difficulty (…and you said I could never be a judge…) but the New Team ended up winning First Place.  Again.

Which totally should have been given to Melissa and Jill for the MomDance they busted out in the seats.

I told them they should have been entered in the Duet category, not Group.  They never listen to me anymore ever since that one time I suggested Jill dye her hair blonde.  One time I mess up.  One time.

The Old Team came in Second, but only by 1/10th of a point, which I don’t even know how you’d calculate without one of Kamryn’s NASA calculators and eleven fingers.

Ava came in Third Place and had a really good cry backstage.  Some little girl they refused to show placed Second.  And then Maddie took home the trophy for her bluesy Blue’s Clues routine.  I snapped again with both hands (…Richy Jackson would have been so proud…) and then popped an espresso K-Cup into my new Keurig.

There were also some oddball editing moments where people’s hats were on and then off and then on again.  (Yeah…I’m talking to you, Ava.)

Somebody upstairs needs to stop staring at Tami’s a** and pay attention to continuity.

Holly’s hair never really held a curl this week, so you know the drama must have been pretty low key.  Next week looks a little more bouncy.

Abby invited Tea’ to come back to the ALDC again.  Which meant that Tami would probably also be back again.

Which meant that Tami just did the exact same thing that she dissed Loree for doing the week prior.  Now who’s the traitor?

And that loud church lady will be back, too.

You heard it here first.

And now I’m overheating just thinking about it.

Pardon me while I go fan myself.

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Bring It!: Y’all Put The Trunk Down And Get Ready To Throw Down Because It’s Gonna Be A Nashville Smackdown!

August 22nd, 2014

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Girl, please. You just took the plastic nose off a pair of iParty glasses. I still see the mustache.

 

 

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Then she ’bout poked her eye out. Those Groucho glasses didn’t even have any lenses.

 

 

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You pick, baby. Just don’t take the one the lady’s touching. She might have got some Krazy on it.

 

 

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I don’t know Jazz, but I can snatch an iPhone if this chick kicks my damn seat one more time.

 

 

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I just wanna know why she always gets to be Beyoncé every time we play dress up. It ain’t fair.

 

 

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Dat’s rite DDPs got Junk in the Trunk, suckahs. Chocolate ones, Oatmeal ones and Snickerdoodle!

 

 

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I know y’all only showed up cuz you thought I was from Real Housewives of Atlanta, mmkay?

 

 

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Hit our sales goal. Increased our profit margin. And I’m still the pretty one. Now who’s laughing?

 

 

 

I say it every week.

Why can’t this show be two hours?

Lifetime Television needs to work on that, because there are just too many important Life Lessons to be learned and way too much hilarity to ensue (…not to mention some actual dancing parts…) in every episode of Bring It! to confine it all to 60 minutes.

Less than 60 actually, if you subtract all the Raising Asia commercials and the hundred or so times that Tim Gunn comes on screen and says “Turnt Up For What?” like he even knows what that means.

So, yeah.  Bring It!  Expanded Edition, please.

This week Dianna Williams and the Dancing Dolls were Saving a Horse and Riding a Cowboy all the way to Tennessee for the Nashville Spring Showdown.

Nashville.  Music City.  Where dreams are made, hearts are broken and a 15 foot tall musical note always seems to get stuck half way down the flag pole on New Year’s Eve.

But that Times Square Crystal Ball-wannabe and the 6.5 hour bus ride weren’t the only things bigger and better this week.  The competition was also super-sized, with both old and new faces coming up against the Dolls.

The scoop would have to wait a few minutes though, because we started the episode out on the sidewalk with it’s Rittany bitch and quiet little Crystianna sharing a motivational Mother/Daughter moment.

Rittany was proud of the growth that shy Crystianna had shown so far this year, but now that her baby was stepping into a leadership role with the Dolls it was time to ramp it up.

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This is our season.  Turn it up, just like they do on Project Runway.  Then leave it on the floor.  Then pick it back up again.  We need to go straight Beast Mode.  Who dat?  Who dat?  Chest pump.  Let’s do dis!  Let’s do dis!

Oh, and while you’re at it…get more confident like yo’ Mama.

Lawd.  I couldn’t tell if Rittany was just being supportive or getting ready to shove her kid out of an airplane at 40,000 feet with no ‘chute.

And that part about being more like her Mama?  My girl Seloncé heard that and right away she was all like AwHellNah We Don’t Need Another Rittany In The World, Thank You Very Much.  And then she gave us that ShantayYouStay Seloncé Walk she always does right before she and Rittany go a few rounds.

Seriously.  Could we love Sunjai‘s Mama any more than we already do?

The answer is No.

I’ve said it before…Seloncé is crazy.  But the good kind of crazy.  Capital ‘K’ Krazy.  And she knows it and wears it proudly like a badge of honor.  Just like she was wearing her new, totally on-trend Dirty Nerdy Girl glasses.

You know the ones.  The kind of specs that get comic book geeks all flustered and sweaty in their boy parts when they Google hot chicks who post selfies wearing nothing but bikini tops and tortoise shell rims.

I guess it’s not just the Kardashians.  Apparently Harvard and M.I.T. girls also like to make pouty faces before they go back to the lab and splice RNA at the atomic level.

Not gonna lie.  If there’s not a two hour bonus disc in the Season One DVD Box Set that is nothing but scenes of Seloncé and Rittany pointing and snapping at each other while Mimi shakes her head side to side like she’s Stevie Wonder, I’m going to be pretty upset.

Those two give me Life when they fight.  Life…with a capital ‘L.‘  Just like the ‘K.’

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Back inside, Miss D was going over the Nashville deets.

The Dolls would be going up against Nashville’s own Royal Dazzlers and Glam Squad Majorettes, as well as  the Elite Starz, the Mini All-Starz, the Ladies of Excellence and the Girls Who Try On Lip Gloss At Sephora And Then Put Their Nasty A** Q-Tips Back In The Cup Instead Of The Trash Can.

The Ladies of Excellence were the Doll’s biggest rival this week.  The last time they met, Dianna and the girls beat them so Miss D knew the LOE and Director Brittany Grayson would be gunning for a win.

You remember Brittany.  We like her, even though I still think someone needs to check the chlorine levels at whatever pool she swims in because her eyes are always too pink.  She also has that one random curl in her bangs that always reminds me of the lady you see in the HOV lane on the way to work who is completely oblivious to the fact that she still has one lone pink curler in her hair.

Some things you just can’t rush in the morning.  Truth.

In Nashville, the Dolls would be competing in the Creative Dance and Stand Battle categories, which meant that Captain Kayla got to unleash another KaylaFace when she heard the words ‘Jazz’ and ‘Funk’ in the same sentence.

I can’t.  No.  No.  I’m not doing that.  I’m sorry.

If you know Makenzie Myers from Toddlers & Tiaras, than that last quote was hilarious and probably the funniest part of this whole recap.  If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I apologize for wasting your time.  And shame on you for never watching T&T.

More shame on you than was felt by those of us who actually watched it.

And that’s a lot of shame.

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But since I’m such a nice guy, I’ll go out of my way and attach the aforementioned classic Makenzie Moment at the bottom of this story so you don’t feel left out when everyone else is raving about all the hilarity next time you’re at work.

Anyway.  The Creative Dance portion would be a duo or trio instead of the usual 85+ Dollapalooza, so Dianna was requiring anyone interested to audition for the part.

Sunjai, Crystianna, Camryn and Makalah (…where’d you come from?…) were all about it.  Kayla, on the other hand, got as far away as she could from all that jazziness without actually going outside the building.  Which was lucky for her, because things were really getting Capital ‘K‘ out there now.

Seloncé was tired of all the MamaRules.  Especially the one where they all have to stay outside and try to read lips through the slats of the window blinds.  Not liking it.  At all.

Since I have no clue how the brains of all these awesome Mamas work, I don’t really remember how they went from lip reading to discussing the plausibility of planting a James Bond 007 microphone chip in Sunjai’s braces to simply deciding on a Target run to pick up a baby monitor…but somehow that ended up being the plan.

They needed to hear what was going on inside the building and since dangling Tina through an open air vent wasn’t really an option, planting a baby monitor inside the building was gonna have to do.

CNN Newsflash:  Babies…and baby monitors…ain’t cheap.

So time for a Bake Sale!  I believe that Tina (…and Dr. Seuss…) said it best:

Everybody likes Cookies and Sweets!  Everybody likes to eat!’

I would have agreed with her but you need both hands for the Fat Girl Shuffle, so I owe her a High Five when my bowl is finally empty.  It’s Booty Booty E’rrywhere when my stories are on, I tell you.

Cammie, Crystianna and Makalah made the trio.  Sunjai got cut but had her usual good attitude about the whole thing and took it as another chance to learn and grow.

You go, Girl.

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Kayla took some heat from Miss D for not being willing to try other forms of dance and not making enough of an effort to get out of her comfort zone.  She had a bit of a wake up call and realized that she may need to push herself more.  Since I’m still not a big fan of growing up and being an adult myself, I felt her pain.  She had a sad KaylaFace that I didn’t enjoy very much.

Side note:  Did I already mention that Dianna has one of those big satin State Fair Valentine Teddy Bears that you win by popping balloons on her bed at home?  Because she totally does.  I don’t think Robert is a big fan, though. His RobertFace was kinda like ‘What Is This Thang?’ when they climbed into bed for the night.

With one night to go before their road trip, the Mamas pulled up to the bumper with a trunk full of cookies and then the party really got started.

Two dollah, dollah bills, yo.

Mamas getting s*** done.  That’s what it’s called.  They even had a glitter glue sign dingle dangling from the trunk that made it look more like a real bakery and less like a 20 minute oil change at Jiffy Lube.

Those bitches thought of everything.  In the event of an emergency, there was even a secret ‘Hooty Hoo’ call that was the cue to shut the down the entire operation and evacuate like everyone did when the Three Mile Island plant melted down.

Since I was still mid-Fat Girl Shuffle when the initial plans were laid out, I may have misunderstood part of the DDP emergency alert explanation because I swear Mimi said ‘Hi De Ho‘ was the code word.  Which I guess would be fine, but I did wonder why she thought it would be a good idea to break into a Cab Calloway/Duke Ellington medley if anyone saw Dianna coming to the front door.

My bad.

It didn’t really matter, though, because when Miss D opened the front door it was total chaos.  With a Capital ‘C.’

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Tina and Seloncé dove under the car like it really was Jiffy Lube while Mimi shoved $20 worth of perfectly fine ginger snaps down the back of her pants.

Two hours.  Make this show be two hours.  Now.

Finally, it was Showtime!

After a few touching moments with Kayla on the bus and an interview sniglet with Tina and her old wig (…she cried and made me sniff my nose…) it was clear that these Mamas love their babies no matter what.  I just wanted to hug everyone.  Even Mimi…even though I could tell she still had some leftover baked goods in their somewhere.

Nashville was Off.  Da.  Hook.

To Maximum Capacity and Beyond!

People on the floor.  People in the balcony.  People lined up outside like it was Black Friday at Walmart.  Way too many people.

Side note: Most of the gymnasium was covered up in these huge tarps, so I don’t know what they were hiding back there.  And I’m so nosey that it was killing me.

They were the kind of gigantic concert curtains that I thought were going to all of the sudden drop down and then there’d be some big explosive pyrotechnic sumthin sumthin and then an insane live performance by  Rascal Flatts or Sugarland or Lady Antebellum or Brooks & Dunn or that’s all the country groups I know.

(Yeesh.  Sorry.  Didn’t plan that sentence out very well.)

But that never happened.

The emcee did look like Derek J. from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, though.  But I knew it wasn’t really him because he wasn’t wearing lady shoes.

Bloop!

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The Dancing Dolls trio did amazing.  (Spoiler Alert:  They won!)

And then the Po Po shut it all down.  Hi De Ho.  Time to go.

Listen up.  Listen up.  The event was way over fire code capacity.  Way over.  So according to Derek J., everyone had to pick up their toys and go home immediately.

Without even doing a Stand Battle or nothing.

I know, right?  Not cool.

The Dolls were literally on the bus longer than they were in the building.

After watching the trio perform, Kayla realized that it was time to step out of her own shadow and start taking a few Buck-Free dance classes.  It was time to grow a little and she was excited to spend her last year with the Dolls learning everything she could from Dianna.  She’s gonna make her Mama proud.  You heard it here first.

Growing up is hard, but it can be fun I heard.

So it was a short trip, but a good one.  The Dolls scored one trophy.  And probably a few cookies that fell behind the spare tire.

All in all, Nashville was a success.

Now back to Jackson.

Hooty Home, y’all.

…And as promised:  Little Kayla.

You’re welcome.

DD4L!

 

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