Bring It!: Girl…Pleez. Don’t Look Now, But Neva Just Put The “Diva” In Olive Branch. It’s DD4L Panda-Monium!

March 29th, 2015

tong

 

 

 

This, tho.

 

 

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I gotta get back on my meds asap, cuz I swear I’m looking at a dancing panda wearing a weave.

 

 

n3

 

 

 

I didn’t sign up to be on no damn GLEE episode. The hellz all this Broadway s*** on the wall?

 

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My PandaConda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun…

 

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Hmmph. Is that cookie dough under my nails? I don’t even remember eating that today.

 

 

t3

 

 

 

That one? She’s just straight up crazy.

 

 

mi1

 

 

 

I don’t know what was in that Snow Cone, but I’m kinda digging this brain freeze. Hooty hoo!

 

 

 

Holla.

Welcome to Klub Olive Branch.

If you’re on the List, you can check yo’ nappy Panda suit at the door and come on in.

You can even drop off that tired Michael Kors purse from last season if you don’t feel like shlepping it around all night.  Ain’t nothing in it, anyways.

And feel free to check that DD4L attitude while you’re at it.  Srsly.

But who gon’ check me, Boo?

Nobody.

Cuz…

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Oh, Lawd Jeezis.

NEVAs to the dance floor, please.

She’s baaaaack.

Get your MimiFaces ready folks, because Bring It! brought all the crazy back this week with the return of the Dancing Dolls‘ super villain nemesis Neva McGruder and her dawg-stomping Divas of Olive Branch minions.

The last time the DDs and DOB came face (…to butt…) to face was on DD4L turf and it didn’t go very well.  Not that it ever goes very well when these two teams meet up, but the last confrontation was exceptionally rough.  From what I recall, the whole thing started out poorly and quickly went from bad to worse during the competition until Neva finally ended up herding her girls straight out the emergency exit because of some on-stage drama with Dianna and a big bucket of DDPoo.

News Flash:  Miss D and Miss McG ain’t Besties no mo’.

This week the Dolls were headed to Greenwood, MS where they would also compete against the Envy Dancing Dolls, Royales, the Delta Dynasty Dolls and the Girls Who Never Clean Their Ugg Boots And Don’t Care That They’re All Crusty White With Their Pajama Bottoms.

Full Disclosure:  Dynasty Dolls is also the name of one of those kiddie pageant joints that used to be on Toddlers & Tiaras, so when I foolishly allowed myself to get my hopes up that all my worlds were about to collide, I literally had to pause my DVR and have an aneurysm.  Literally.  I’m pretty sure I even blacked out for a minute.

But how awesome would that have been?  Really.  I mean, c’mon.  Neva was born to be a Pageant Mom.  Gimme that Hard Face.  Hard Face!  Sparkle, Baby!

And give Miss Dianna a big Finger Kiss.  Just like Mama taught you.

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Ok.  Back on track now.

This week, the Dolls would be competing in both the Solo Dance and Stand Battle categories.  Potential Future Captain Tamia scored the Stand Battle lead position, while shy Crystianna finally (…FINALLY!…) got handed her opportunity to shine in a solo.

Hashtag:  TeamCrystianna.  We love Rittany‘s niece.

Granted, we’ve probably only heard her speak a total of 78 words in the past two seasons (…not counting the obligatory “DD4L!” cheers…) but it’s the Quiet Ones you always gotta look out for, right?  Enrolled at the Dollhouse Dance Factory since when she was 5 years old, Crystianna has always struggled to come out of her shell.  But Dianna and Rittany kept the faith and always believed that her time would come.

Side note:  If  you ever doubted that somebody who ain’t the Mama can’t love a child like the real Mama, then you’ve never heard Rittany gush over Crystianna.  Grab a box of Kleenex, pull up a chair and listen to Aunt Rittany school you on how much Crystianna means to her and then we can talk.

As the Dolls got down to rehearsing for the weekend, we scooted over to the DOB Hideout to watch Neva and her team in action.

Now you know I love me some Crazy.  Crazier the better, actually.  Like Neva.

I Bow to the Queen.

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Everything about her skips the needle right off the CrazyChart.  Especially when she’s choreographing her team and whipping her new hair all around the room like she’s about to break the Dance Dance Revolution world record at Dave & Buster’s.

Rip off that fake DD4L shirt!  Stomp them dawgs!  Gimme Face.  Gimme Hard Face!

I swear.  She even backed dat thang up like she was trying to get up a hill in the middle of December with no snow tires.

Trust me.  Some things can never be un-seen.  Ever.

And how about that DOB henchman dude who had to run over from the sidelines and stick a microphone pack back up inside her Juicy Couture pants when she jiggled it out?  Did you see that?  At least I think that’s what he was grabbing at…

The Password Is:  Hazard Pay.

Back at the subzero Dollhouse, everyone’s favorite Mamas were all out on the sidewalk freezing their DDPs off.  Everyone except Tina, that is.  She was nice and toasty warm.

I know, right?  Who would’ve guessed that an insulated Panda Bear suit would one day come in so handy on the frigid streets of Jackson?  And you all laughed at Tina during the Kodansha Anime Artist Panel Conference during last year’s Comic Con.

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Not so funny now, hmm?

Side note:  Somebody needs to tell me what mattress store is way down at the other end of that strip mall so I can get a job there and hang with these Mamas on my lunch hour.

I’m being totally serious.  They have cookies in the trunk of their cars.  And this show needs to be 7 hours long so I can have more time to figure out how Tawantza keeps all that blue eye shadow from clumping in the creases.

Love.  These.  Mamas.

And more Panda Dancing?  Yes, please.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Watching everyone pile out of the bus at each week’s venue always makes me smile for some reason.  No clue why.  But it does.  I don’t know if it’s the shower caps or the fact that they show up with enough luggage to spend a week or what.  I especially enjoy the weeks when tiny Cobe wobbles out all glassy eyed, clutching his Wii handheld like IJustSpentFiveHoursTrappedOnABusWithTheseHensAndImmaBoutToLoseIt.

He is so stinking cute.

Not to be outdone, of course, the DOBs entered the building with their own rally call.  Nice to see that pink zebra print is not just a Jersey Thing anymore.tm

Before the games began, Neva stalked Dianna in the hallway right in front of what I assumed was a snack bar/restroom combo kind of thing.  At least I think that’s what was going on behind them.  There was a bunch of guys waiting in a line for who knows what, pretending to talk on their Sidekicks while they tried to eavesdrop on the action.  And there was also a woman back-to in the bathroom that I first thought was a guy doing his business on-camera.

Wait.  What?

Clearly, when it comes to this show, you really need to watch every episode at least twice so you don’t jump to any conclusions.  Or miss any MimiFaces.

Bonus Points were given to that one guy on his phone who was totally trying to act all Coolio but was totally being all like “Dude, I’m gonna be on TV!” and sucking in his gut because the camera adds 10 pounds.

Love.  This.  Show.  (Rinse & Repeat as needed.)

Needless to say, Miss D wasn’t buying what Neva was selling.  Moving on.

Bonus Points were also given to that fabulous skinny DOB guy who jumped up and down with the girls like he just heard that Zayn Malik had only been messing with 12 year olds everywhere and was actually staying in One Direction.

Psych.  You wish.

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Hold that thought for a minute.

See the picture right above this paragraph?  With Rittany and Mimi?  Besides the fact that my girls are looking so fine, doesn’t it look like one of those comic book panels where the super heroines stand at the top of the local newspaper building looking down over the city with their capes and weaves flapping in the wind while the DD4L signal sweeps across the sky?

They’re totally the heroes that Jackson deserves, but not the ones it needs right now.

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Anyway.

The emcee was wearing sunglasses inside, which drives me crazy.  And I’m almost positive that Bill Cosby was one of the judges.  Did you see that sweater?  That was straight up Cliff Huxstable.

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any crazier, the DOB solo girl hit the floor.

My Little Beyoncé.

That’s what Neva called her.  Like the Pony.  But Beyoncé instead.

She did pretty well, even though Dianna commented that she did a lot of the same tricks over and over.  Like a One Trick Beyoncé Pony.

(See what I did there?  Full circle.)

And then Neva hit the dance floor.  No lie.

Neva.  Danced.

And it registered at least 4.9 on the McGruder Scale.

There was so much to (…shock…) absorb I still feel like I missed something and I’ve probably re-watched it 25 times already.  It was truly The Dance of The Neva.

Earlier, we discussed the Crazier the Better part, right?

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After all these years of complaining that Abby Lee Miller has never once actually danced when she choreographs her Dance Moms kids, I really can’t diss Neva for shoving her way onto the floor like she was trying to snatch the last $5.99 waffle iron on Black Friday.

I’m dying to.  But I won’t.

It was so IDon’tKnowWhat that it was almost awesome.  Almost.

Mimi’s face, tho.

And for the third time, Bonus Points were given to the crazy a** guy who was bucking with the backup dancers.  I think he was the mic pack guy from earlier, but I’m not sure.

Regardless, he…well, he…WERK, BITCH.  Yaaaaaaas.

Luckily, Crystianna was out next to bring some normalcy back into my world.  And she was amazing.  It was this whole elaborate Egyptian Pyramid kind of thing with fancy costumes and the Sunjai Twins dressed up like they were guarding the Sphinx.

I don’t know what this Crystianna did with the other shy, quiet Crystianna from last season, but this girl was on fiyah.  Fi.  Yah.

Rittany cried.  Strangers cried.  I cried.  Even Mimi got her girls messed up and cried cuz she thought Crystianna was her own kid.

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She killed it.  End of story.  Cut.  Print.

Side note:  Mimi never put her Snow Cone down.  Not once.  Hilarious.

But that was jus the appetizer.  You know the real meal is the Stand Battle.  And it was on, hunty.  Like nobody’s bidnezz.

The Dancing Dolls whipped their hair like they just didn’t care.  The Divas returned the favor with a Football Stand complete with fake DD4L jerseys and an end zone rumble.

Things really started to heat up when the Dolls revved up their signature motorcycle routine with a bonus Reigning Captain Kayla Solo.  Because why not.

The Divas last stand called for all the troops, so in came the Baby Divas who are redoinkulously cute but still can’t compare with the Baby Dolls.  I mean, really?  BDD!

And then the Dolls rolled out the heavy artillery for the final kill shot.

Miss D to the dance floor, please.  OhNoSheBetterDon’t.

Yup.  She did.

Dianna hit the parquet and pretty much burned off the first two layers of floor wax with her moves, which included a 20 minute one foot up in the ayah ayah heel stretch followed by a Death Drop that made ZaTia‘s Mama swallow her gum.

Go home, Tawantza.  You’re drunk.

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If you’re still catching up on some of your stories from the past week, you might wanna turn down your volume before you watch this scene.  Just looking after your best interests.

And your ear canals.

Neva was not happy when she saw Miss D do her thang.  Not at all.

But Bill Cosby loved it, because the Dolls took First Place in the Stand Battle.  And that was on top of Crystianna also grabbing the First Place trophy for her solo!

 A clean sweep, y’all.

Dianna and the girls were over the moon.  And so proud of Crystianna and Tamia, because they both stepped up and got the job done like rockstars.

Neva, on the other hand, was not quite as ecstatic over the results.  But it ain’t over yet.

As the Divas headed back to the DOB Hideout to lick their wounds and plan their next attack, Neva vowed revenge.  You haven’t seen the last of them.  They’ll be back.  And better than ever next time.

I love the way Neva talks all ShaNeNe Sitcom Sassy and stuff.

You know she orders her Starbucks the same way.

Two sugars.  Two snaps.

Because that’s how a Diva do.

Girl, bye.

n6

Dance Moms: Looks Like The Candy Apples Sanitation Department Found Some Good Stuff In Abby’s Garbage.

March 25th, 2015

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I swear. I saw all those old wannabe Moms on Twitter and I was all like ‘AwHellNahDurrp.’

 

 

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Hi, Staples? I’d like to order some name tags, because I have no clue who these kids are anymore.

 

 

hf

 

 

Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy…and Crazy.

 

kk

 

 

 

What do you all think? Does this dress make me look like Kim Kardashian or what? C’mon!

 

jv

 

 

 

I honestly don’t even know what to say anymore. How about we just talk about my hair?

 

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Hi, Candy Apples? TMZ here. Is your old refrigerator still running? You better catch it. Suckah.

 

 

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This blog wears me out. As opposed to “Wear ‘Em Out,” which is available soon. Holla atcha!

 

 

 

Welcome.

Before we begin, two quick programming notes.

At tonight’s performance, the role of the Candy Apples Competition Team will be played by a whole bunch of brand new people hungry for screen time who have never been part of the Ohio-based dance studio and clearly do not claim a 44708 zip code on their state taxes, much less even know how to get there without accessing their mini-van’s GPS.

And for those of you with the munchies, the snack bar will remain open throughout intermission serving a wide variety of questionably homemade tastiness direct from Canton’s own Jerky King, as well as whatever GoGo Juice is in those gigantic paper coffee cups that the Pittsburgh Dance Moms are always clenching in their sweaty palms.

Now please do enjoy the show.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier Reference:  Let’s get this one out of the way early, too, because there were so many SiaWannaBeYa Moments that I reset my DVR schedule just in case this thing went into overtime.  I thought for sure we were looking at an expanded 90 minute episode this week.  If you were screaming along with Pee Wee Herman‘s Secret Word or taking shots every time someone said “Sia” it was going to be a long night.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Elastic Heart Reference:  There was a new one, too.n

But hold that thought for now.  You’ll see.

With only two weeks to go before the team heads back to LA for another attempt at stardom and ALDC franchising, Abby was more determined than ever to regain her spot at the top of the dance charts.  After a less than stellar showing the first time they all hit the West Coast, it was now officially Game On.

After the Pyramid of Shame, of course.  And some social media buzz.

As the gang all stumbled into the studio for their assignments, everyone was celebrating the release of Maddie‘s second musical collaboration with Sia.  (Scream or take a shot now and then go stand in a corner facing the wall.  Repeat as often as necessary throughout the remainder of the episode and then see how you feel in the morning.)

The ‘Elastic Heart’ video had just hit the internet and was already causing quite a stir online, most likely due to Shia LaBeouf rolling around shirtless inside a bird cage with a tweeny bop girl in a flesh-colored onesie.  But that’s just my guess.

Honestly, Shia LaBeouf is crazy enough when he’s just walking the Red Carpet on E!, so putting him inside a pet carrier only seemed to magnify his crazy pants.

If he had been wearing any pants, I mean.

Side note:  We’ll be skipping the actual Pyramid this week due to so much juicy goodness squished into one episode.  Maddie was on top again, tho.  And all the girls were paired up in duets to celebrate ‘Elastic Heart.’  There you go.  Up to speed.

The video was abstract.  And edgy.  And provocative.  And pretty much made absolutely no sense to the majority of people who Googled it on youtube.  But that didn’t stop everyone from having an opinion.  Which is the first rule of being an art piece, right?r

Lady Gaga 101, people.  Der.

(The video is even posted up there next to this recap.  Feel free to roll on the floor to your elastic heart’s content if you’re one of the 7 people with dial-up who haven’t seen it yet.)

And speaking of rules.  The first rule of being a Real Housewife, whether you’re New Jersey, Atlanta or Pittsburgh-based, is to always snoop each other’s personal cellphones, right?  Because that’s totally what the other Moms did to Kira when they noticed a social media posting on her iPhone from the Evil Dance Lair known as Candy Apples.

Cathy Nesbitt-Stein had just created yet another new competition team.  Really.

Side note:  Can’t you just picture a room full of Cathy’s cast-offs, all sitting around in a circle talking smack about Candy Apples after she tosses them to the curb?  I don’t know it would be in a community center, rehab facility or a psychiatric ward, but I can totally see Lucas Triana swearing at my little buddy Gavin Morales while Anthony Burrell just sits there in an Asia Monet Ray Tour jacket trying on hats.

And you know exactly what I’m talking about.

This time around, Cathy had pulled all the old audition tapes from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition and sent out e-vites to anyone who hadn’t made it to the finish line.  Like an AUDC Reunion Show without Robin Antin bragging about the Pussycat Dolls.

Because she created them, you know.mel

The biggest stand-outs in the ‘New’ CADC were AUDC alums Haley Huelsman and Tessa Renée Wilkinson.  Tessa’s Mom Renée was wearing one of those tight razor sharp chokers that look like the Bride of Frankenstein scar you get when you attach a random head to someone else’s body and Haley’s Mom Melanie‘s KrazyHair was still wet after two years.

Side note:  Those of you who have followed this mess of a blog for a while know that I’m still waiting for Melanie to reimburse me for knocking over my soda in a food court when she was in Boston for a dance competition.  True Story.  With those bling-ed out Mom Jeans and giant purse I suppose I should have seen her coming, but I was too busy Googling ‘Who Is Sia?’ to put up my Force Field in time.

But now I know who Sia is.  And to never leave a diet coke too close to the edge of a plastic tray when the Huelsmans are in town.

Oh.  And Abby hates Melanie because I guess she and her daughter showed up at one of Abby’s book signings and apparently stood in the parking lot signing the same book out of the trunk of their car because Haley was mentioned in a footnote or something.

This show.  I swear.

Side note again:  And how about that giant mosquito statue they showed when we visited the Candy Apples Dance Center?  Only in Ohio would the Tourism Department make a point to highlight a seasonal bug infestation.

Remind me to book a room at the Motel 6 in the middle of a rainy August.

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Did I mention that So You Think You Can Dance winner Chehon Wespi-Tschopp was back again as the CADC guest choreographer?  Because he was.  And it was clear that the Moms were digging his smoldering Telenovela Side Eye.  That one with the short hair looked like she could get a little randy with our boy after a few Jose Cuervos.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  On point.  Sometimes, tho, I worry that her resting body temperature might be a little low.  Especially when she’s completely wrapped up like an Eskimo in one of her signature fur vest and boot ensembles while the rest of the ladies are up there in the MomPerch chillaxing in frilly little Kohl’s tops.

I’m also thinking that maybe those are ice fishing holes out in the parking lot and not pot holes as we’ve been led to believe all this time, because then her outfit makes complete sense.  I love my MomCrush.

Probably even more so now that I know she can gut a Trout.

(And how good does her hair look way up at the top there?  Dang.)

As the ALDC girls rehearsed their ‘Get A Clue’ Hasbro board game routine, Jessalyn decide to give Tessa’s Mom a quick call to get the 411 on the Candy Apples situation.

They already knew each other from AUDC and who knows what else, so Jess figured it would be a quick and easy way to get the dirt.  Until Renée picked up on her end and told Jessalynn to “Get a F***ing Life” that is.  Then not so much.

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Ouch.  Good way to answer the phone when those Florida Timeshare telemarketers call right in the middle of dinner with the family, but probably not cool when it’s an old friend.

In the midst of all this chaos, Melissa was still just as busy as ever pimping out Maddie’s accomplishments.  Can’t blame her.  The girl is on fiyah right now.

But I did find it hilarious that after bragging about Entertainment Tonight, the Ellen Show and every other Hollywood Access Insider Outsider Entertainment TV news magazine she could name drop in one breath, we ended up watching Maddie give an interview to the Murrysville Star, which is one of those free grocery store Pennysaver papers where you can find coupons on insulated double hung windows and complain about how they just closed another post office at the same time.

I’m pretty sure the dude who did the interview also brought his Mom as photographer.

Not to be outdone, Holly snuck down to the front desk and called up Aubrey O’Day again.  I love that Holly has taken on Nia’s career as her new full-time job.

I also love that Holly has Aubrey O’Day on speed dial.  And that Aubrey was on Celebrity Apprentice.  And that I bought a mark-down Donald Trump tie one year at Macy’s and used the restroom at Trump Towers on the same day.  And I even watched American Idol the year that Clay Aiken lost.

And Clay totally went all Drama Queen on Aubrey on Celebrity Apprentice.

The Circle of Life.

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I know, right?  It’s like Holly and Aubrey and I are only separated by like 976 Degrees of Separation now.  We could totally be BFFs if Lifetime didn’t have such tight security during filming.  Or so I heard, I mean.

Aubrey wanted to talk to Nia (…not me, apparently, but Nia…) so Holly scooted down the hall and pulled her out of rehearsal, which caused all kinds of MamaDrama upstairs.

Which was pretty much the exact same thing that happened to Maddie the following day when Entertainment Tonight finally broke down the studio door and rushed the room with a full entourage of camera guys and fuzzy microphone sticks.

But it was Maddie, so it was ok.

Full Disclosure:  Melissa did acknowledge that it was pretty much the same thing that she had just chewed out Holly for doing.  But it was still different.

I love Holly’s HollyFaces when she gets all ‘HollySayWhat?’

I also like that she seemed a little happier this week.  Dr. Beyoncé still isn’t getting the support she feels she deserves from her friends regarding Nia’s relationship with Abby, but with Nia’s musical career starting to take off she has enough to keep her occupied.

(Spoiler Alert:  Nia’s Australian concert.  Just saying.)

Finally, it was Showtime!  And time for the CADC ladies to sneak into the ALDC green room before Abby’s dirty bus pulled up to the bumper.

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(Seriously.  You’re going to be on national television.  Nobody could get a garden hose and wash down that bus?  Is that even legal to be transporting young children when you only have two little peep holes in the windshield?)

And who knew that there were bagels behind all those wrinkly fabric backdrops every week?  Bagels.  All kinds of them.  With cream cheese.

Needless to say, Abby and her team busted the CADC Moms before they could snarf down any snacks and sent them on their way after a brief throw down.

I really can’t explain Melanie’s hair or Renée’s one shoulder cut-out recital concert ensemble during the festivities.  You should probably go back and check the DVR.  That way you could also see the Jessalynn vs. Melanie grudge match reignite right there in the middle of the floor.  When you’re hair is as crazy as your mouth, it makes for good TV.

Kendall and JoJo did a ‘Freaky Friday’ routine where they switched bodies and hair bows.  After five seasons of Dance Moms headgear never staying attached, it was pretty impressive that Kendall was able to snatch JoJo’s holiday accessory right off her head so quickly, clip it into her own hair, do an upside down whatchamacallit and still keep the ginormous thing in place for the remainder of the dance.

Bonus points from this judge if that counts for anything.

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Nia and MackZ (…she’s still MackZ, right?…) were up next with a creepy little girl in the neighborhood kind of thing.  It was pretty powerful even before Nia served Face.

Werk.

Naturally, right before Maddie and Kalani hit the stage for their ‘Walking Through The Storm’ duet, Melanie decided to blow a nutty on Melissa right there in the audience.

Clearly, Haley’s Mom is not a big fan of provocative music video art pieces.  Or hair conditioner.  But leave it to Kira to come to the rescue as she turned to face the entire auditorium and got the crowd cheering for Maddie’s performance.

Or maybe it was for Kira’s new low cut dress that proudly proved to all of Michigan that Arizona has way more to offer vacationers than just a humidity-free dry heat.

Or maybe both.  I dunno.

But they were definitely on their feet for something when Kira turned around.

By the time that both teams had performed their group routines, it was anyone’s guess as to how the whole thing was going to play out.  Everyone felt that they were going to win.

But somebody has to come in Second and be the First Loser, right?

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Once again, Candy Apples drew the short straw.  Second Place.

Which meant that once again, the ALDC took the First Place trophy.  All three top duet spots also got snagged by the ALDC and Abby couldn’t have been happier for a change.

Backstage, all the Candy Apple Moms cried and vowed revenge on Abby.  The whole thing was very emotional.  And traumatizing.  Especially when Melanie hugged Cathy.  It was almost too much KrazyHair for me to handle in one serving.

Across the hall in the ALDC room, the atmosphere was definitely much lighter as everyone celebrated their wins.  Plural.

There was still an underlying division between the Moms, but it definitely felt like they might be able to work it out a little bit during the upcoming Hollywood trip.

But only time will tell.  This is Dance Moms, after all.

For now, it was back to Pittsburgh to put another trophy on the shelf.

And watch that video again.

You know the one.

PW

Dance Moms: Girl, Pleez…Do Not Even Tell Me This Is Nia’s Last Chance. It’s All About Those New Rules In Philly.

March 18th, 2015

aj

 

 

Here you go, Sparky. I just need you to keep the tags on in case you go crazy pants on me again.

 

 

hn

 

 

She was all up in my face and that nasty perfume Jill keeps buying her was burning my eyes.

 

 

jess

 

 

Like I’ve only been Holly’s BFF for 12 minutes and she already flat ironed my bangs. Besties!

 

 

mann

 

 

I wasn’t even paying attention, but doing a Manicure Dance sounds awesome. I hope it’s Acro-crylic.

 

 

nf

 

 

 

Srsly. My life, tho.

 

 

nh

 

 

 

Mommy loves you, Baby. But nobody touches my hair when it’s on point. You know the rules.

 

 

m1

 

 

 

This is why I quit doing the windows at Macy’s. These things weigh a ton.

 

 

 

With apologies to Billy Joel, of course.

It comes down to reality (…TV…)

And it’s fine with me ’cause I’ve let it slide.

Don’t care if it’s Chinatown or on the Riverside.  Or even Philly, actually.

I’m in a New York Dance Experience State of Mind.

Or outta my mind, maybe.

That would depend on which Dance Mom you talk to, I guess.

After getting back some of their post-Hollywood mojo and unleashing a beatdown on the Candy Apples last week, Abby Lee Miller and Company were ready to see if lightening could strike twice with a trip to the New York Dance Experience competition in beautiful downtown Philadelphia.  Because Philly ain’t just for cream cheese anymore.

Apparently, due to its proximity to NYC, Philadelphia is now crawling with Broadway wannabes who like their critiques LIVE and instantaneous.  At least according to Abby, anyway, because that’s how this latest event was going to work the score sheets.

You dance.  And then you stand there while the judges give you tough love.

Yikes.

mkz

Clearly, the team was going to have to be on their A Game for this one.  Maybe even their A Plus Game.  But not before the Pyramid of Shame.

Because rules are rules.

As everyone stampeded into the studio, it was clear that there was still a division between the Moms.  But why?

Holly blamed it on Jill and Melissa‘s lack of support and for them not having her back when it came to all the seemingly endless conflicts with Abby.  Kira blamed Jill and Melissa because of that time Jill swore at her and she misinterpreted it as talking s*** about her kid, I think.  I forget exactly how it all went down.  But there was definitely a lot of bleeping during that conversation.  And something about credit fraud.

I remember that part.

Jessalynn blamed Jill and Melissa because somehow between the end of last week’s episode and the opening credits for this week she had become Holly’s new BFF.

F’realz.  They were like totes Besties now.  OMG.  And I was like so jealz.

Personally, I blame MattyB, because nobody should be that young and that famous.  He literally tore apart three friendships and his hair didn’t even move.  That ain’t rite.

As everyone fell into position, each girl carried in one of those 5 x 7 note cards that my boy Andy Cohen always holds during Real Housewives Reunion Shows and I got myself a little worked up that Teresa Giudice had somehow broken out of prison and was hiding out in Pittsburgh.  Because that would have been awesome.

Psych.

ab

Abby had just assigned everyone homework.  And the class was  Freshman Hazing 101.

Suddenly, it was Rush Week at the ALDCFU Sorority as each girl read something good and something bad about Honey Bow Bow Child JoJo until she cried.  And I’m not making that up.  And I make up a lot of stuff.

There was even a CNN satellite truck stuck in one of the potholes outside the building, getting ready to break into the broadcast with another story on how out of control the Greek system is on our college campuses today.  But they couldn’t.

Because of the potholes.  Five seasons later.

But all the emotional scarring was worth it in the end when Abby announced that BowBowJoJo was finally, officially (…albeit kinda sorta temporarily…) a member of the ALDC Team!  Really?  Now way.  Way.  Really.

Come on down and get your track jacket, you crazy NutJob!

The sacred jacket.  I swear.  That’s what Abby called it.

I don’t know what makes it sacred.  Or how sacred it really is, but I’m going to assume it’s somewhere between that religious Shroud on CNN and the eBay potato chip that looks like Elvis Presley.

Side note:  What are the chances that Dance Moms and CNN would both be on the same cutting edge when it comes to story lines lately?  That’s two Breaking News Bulletins already and we haven’t even revealed the Pyramid.

mz

Which was just a straight line with Maddie‘s picture on top, BTW.  So there you go.

This week Maddie, Kendall and Nia all scored solos.  Maddie was going to be a mannequin.  Kendall was going to dance like that lady with the big hat who dragged her steamer trunks up the loading ramp onto the Titanic and Nia was going to place in the Top Five with her ‘Color Purple’ routine or never get a solo again.  Because Abby said so.

Poor Sasha.  She just can’t cut a break with that lady lately.

I’m thinking that Nia is the new Chloe.  Who was the new Paige.  Who was the new Brooke.  Abby always seems to need at least one chew toy to gnaw on each season.

Golly, I miss those Hyland kids.  (Hey, girls!  Give your Mom a slap for me.)

Kidding.  Kidding.  Is that lawsuit even still going on?  I don’t get home in time to watch TMZ anymore.  Violence is never the answer, kids, but it would probably be ok if you wanted to put that iconic backroom slap into the Time Capsule with Teresa Giudice flipping a restaurant table and a couple episodes of the Maury Show.

The Circle of Life.  See what I did there?

The group dance was going to be a a Decadent Darlings’ 1920s Musical Theater period piece.  Abby was so sick and tired of all the Moms asking for something besides Lyrical that she was willing to give up a guaranteed First Place spot this week by throwing in choreography that was out of everyone’s comfort zone just to prove a point.

The point being:  It’s Abby’s name on the outside of the building and don’tchoo fergit it.jv

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  My MomCrush was on fiyah.  Easily a Top Three Bump-It week.  And don’t even get me started on her winter white Lost In Space vest.

Danger, Will Robinson.  Hot Stuff Ahead.

While the girls rehearsed their respective routines, Holly, Kira and Jessalyn had a private three-way Pinky Swear Moment up in the MomPerch as they united in their newly formed friendship.  Jessalynn called it a ‘pact’ which was a little too Summer Camp for me, but I could see where she was going with that one.  Unfortunately, when Jill and Melissa got wind of the newly formed Three Musketeers they were not big fans.

It’s always sad to see long term friendships get a little wobbly, but I’m still holding out hope that everyone hugs it out sooner than later because the last thing I want to end up doing is sitting in dead silence between Holly and Jill in some restaurant when they finally come to Boston and take me to lunch.  Which they totally better be planning while they’re laying around on some beach in Australia right now.

I mean, seriously.  Expense it to Lifetime.  They’ll never know.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier Reference:  Yup.  There was one of those.

Kendall’s rehearsal went well, despite Abby barking at her the entire time as she tried to maneuver around a pile of suitcases like one of those military guys who rappel down the side of a building to rescue hostages.

Sit.  Fan.  Rinse.  Spit.  Duck.  Cover.  Roll.  Attitude.  h1 2

A lot of things to remember if you ask me.

Nia, on the other hand, got the even shorter end of the stick.  Again.

Abby was having a hard time letting go of the whole Hollywood MattyB music video thing (…See?  Told you so.  I called it…) and was using her personal issues with Holly to try and drag Nia down even further than the last time she tried to drag her down.

But Nia was strong.  She’s not that little 3 year old baby anymore, lady.  She was mature and respectful and asked Abby why she couldn’t keep the Mama Drama separate from the dancing.  Good question.

Abby doesn’t like sneaky people and liars.  Or murderers, which was an oddly uncomfortable comparison given that Nia only cut a single, not someone’s throat.

But Abby doesn’t like sneaky people.  Or liars.  Or axe murderers.  Nia, on the other hand, doesn’t really like getting yelled at by Abby.

And I don’t like people who don’t buy Nia’s new iTunes single, which you can totally download right here if you want to stay on my good side.  Because you know how I get.

But I digress.

Outside in the hallway, Holly and Nia had a heart to heart discussion.  It was clear that Nia was not going to be broken down by a mean spirited dance teacher and that Holly’s hair looked pretty amazing considering how stress usually makes everything go whacky.a1

Finally, it was Showtime!

And finally, that little screaming girl with the gigantic hair bow wasn’t spliced into the scene again going completely bonkers in the crowd.  Nice we could give that clip a week’s rest.

Side note:  Please refer to last week’s recap if you have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about.  That way you can quench your thirst for knowledge and I can get more Google hits like Perez Hilton.  Cuz watch your back, dude.  I’m coming for you.

But there were still plenty of screaming kids, don’t you worry.  It’s just that this time they were precariously perched on a moving mall escalator instead of a flat sidewalk.  So much for holding the railing and looking straight ahead like the yellow sign says.

I’m surprised they weren’t trying to bring strollers down the hill with overstuffed H&M bags on top of their babies’ heads.  Because they do that, you know.  With their white Sidekicks wedged between their left ear and shoulder so they can dip Auntie Anne’s pretzel sticks into hot mustard with their free hand.

I know, right?  Working retail through college really made me a People Person.

Rachel Rak Alert:  The “Sas” is back!

Over the top and out of her chair, everyone’s favorite judge from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition was back to smile, whip her hair, bite the apple and get all Flashdance on everyone’s a** just like she did when she used to sit next to Richy Jackson.

Once a judge, always a judge I guess.

For old time’s sake, I gave her two finger waves and a head snap since Richy was apparently too busy doing GagaStuff to be bothered with showing up in Pennsylvania this week.  There was also some hip hop guy and a woman who looked like that lady from Florence and the Machine, but all that really mattered was that The Sas Was Back and throwing sparkly attitude straight into everyone’s unprotected eyes.rr

According to the rules, after each dance, a woman who I believe does the weather on Philly FOX29 was going to come out and ask the judges for their input.  The judges would then talk into a microphone that looked exactly like those beer hoses that come out of a keg, so I don’t really now what was going on under that table to be honest.

But Rachel was liking it.  A lot.

Nia was first up with her solo and got amazing notes from the judges.  Maddie and Kendall followed and actually received more negative feedback than Nia, which made Holly, Kira and Jessalyn do an impromptu Three Amigo football wave right out of their chairs.

Side note:  Abby didn’t crack a smile during Nia’s performance, but almost needed a cigarette by the time Maddie was done performing.  I’m sure some of it was editing, since that’s what Abby always says on Twitter at 10:01pm after the show ends every week.

But, still.

And speaking of editing.  We finally got rid of Spazzy HairBowGirl in the bus arrival scene (…who I LOVE, don’t get me wrong…) only to have her replaced by a clip of the ALDC girls entering the backstage Green Room not ONCE…but TWICE.

Count ‘em.  Busted.

How many times is Kalani gonna hold that door open?  It’s only a one hour show, people.

Anyone else see that?  This show is seriously  messing with my OCD ADD LOL issues.  If Holly and Jill aren’t gonna get up here and pay for my lunch pretty soon, I’m going to Lifetime Studios and take over for all the post-production editors they must be firing.  Then cocktails will be on me, ladies.j

Side note:  Yes, I am probably the worst person to take to the movies since I’m constantly on the lookout for bloopers.  I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive Kevin Costner for driving the wrong way on that one way street in front of Fenway Park.

But thanks for asking.

The group routine was all about that Charleston.

The girls actually looked like they were having fun doing something besides lyrical leg extensions.  Even the audience loved it.

Unfortunately, fun doesn’t always translate into a First Place trophy.  Not even Second Place sometimes.  The ALDC only pulled Third, which Jill felt could have been a result of the fractured Moms rubbing off on their children.  But we’ll never know for sure.

As stressful as the group result was, the solo awards that came right before that announcement were even worse.  Nobody won nuthin until the very last minute when Maddie took First Place for her mannequin dance.  You didn’t hear it from me, but she’s certainly getting her money’s worth from that skin colored Sia leotard.  Just saying.

Carrying her on stage like you were setting up a Prom display at Barney’s was pretty clever, tho.  I’ll give Abby her props for that one.

And how about that little niblet from another studio who won Fifth Place?  They put the medal around her neck and she fell over.  What was she, like 3 years old?  So cute.

Kendall didn’t place.  Nia didn’t place.

Which meant that backstage, things went exactly as you would expect.

Abby threatened to put nothing but lyrical dances on stage until the day she died.  Then she threatened Nia with no more solos.  Then everyone lost it, screaming something about pacts and making friendship bracelets out of yarn and gum wrappers.h

I say it every week.  You don’t mess with a Mother’s love for their kid.  But can you put your kid first and still support your friends?  And what is with all this favoritism after all these years?  Did we learn nothing from The Slap?

It was hard to tell who was on whose side by the end.  I swear, if you walk out of the room and come right back to your television with a snack, somebody’s loyalty has already shifted in the 30 seconds it took you to open the refrigerator.

Abby said these Dance Moms just need to get in their car, go home and make dinner.

Wait.  What?

Holly has a PhD.  I don’t think opening a box of Mac and Cheese is her only option if you keep punching her in the gut.  I’d be careful if I were you, ma’am.

As a matter of fact, this is what it might look like if Holly left.  Because she did.  She got right up and walked out of the room like she was channeling Christi or something.

Done.  I’m done.

I lost count of how many times Jill said “Holly, please don’t leave” because I ran out of fingers right before my DVR timed out.  Kira and Jessalynn only speaking in static morse code all like “She.  I.  You.  But.  We.” didn’t help my concentration either.

Melissa and Jill scooted out after Holly, but didn’t really accomplish much.  But they’re not giving up hope just yet.  Even the worst fractures can be reset and heal up just fine over time.  So we need to fix this now, before they all head back to California for Round Two.

But not next week.

Next week is The Return of Candy Apples.

You heard me.  She’s baaaack.

To be continued…

mj


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