Bring It!: Girl…Pleez. Is Hot In Here Or Is It Just This Summer Dance Slam Competition That’s Making Me Sweat?

September 30th, 2015




All them paper plate fans and not one slice of pizza in the whole place? Hooty Hoo even does that?
































I can’t believe they made me drive 700 miles in a hot car just to pimp out my new show that airs on Fridays at 9pm.









d 2





I’m still waiting on the bill from IKEA. Don’t even tell me that new lady is already jumping on my damn couch.




Wham.  Bam.

Summer Dance Slam.

It was the real deal this week as all the bucking and yukking and twerking and working finally culminated in one massive final competition to cap off the Bring It! season.

This is what Dianna Williams and her Dancing Dolls had been working for all summer.

And trust me.  It was hot.



And not gonna lie.  It got me feeling some kind of way. gm

Like when you get the band back together for one last gig.  You get all excited to see everybody, but deep down you know it’s the last time for awhile and that makes you sad because you’re already missing the craziness before it even ends.

And the whole gang was definitely back in the hizzle this week.  Almost all of them, anyway.  With a few notable exceptions, all our favorite teams and coaches returned to whip and snap and get all up in Miss D’s face as they battled for that final big trophy.

But let’s start at the beginning, before this whole thing goes off track.  Cuz you know how we do sometimes when I get excited.

With only three days to go before Summer Dance Slam, Dianna and newly christened Coach Kayla were already laying down the law at the Dollhouse Dance Factory as soon as we started.  This was the Big One.

The competition was big.  The trophy was big.  And the cash prize was big.

Five.  Thousand.  Dollahs.  Bitches.

tumblr_inline_nmrjtovLda1sn6scg_500Oh, yeah.  Mama likes.

tumblr_nk33y0XNIw1tb8iyko1_500This week, the gang would be going up against almost every major rival of the past season.  The Prancing Tigerettes were back, as well as the Divas Of Olive Branch, LCDC, Xplosive Dance Company Of Dallas, the Infamous Dancerettes and the Girls Who Promise To Post Bring It Recaps In A Timely Manner But Take So Long To Get The Damn Things Online That Rittany’s Already Wearing Another New Weave.

(There.  You were thinking it.  And I said it.  And I also said ‘I’m Sorry’ like a million times already.  Time Management wasn’t really my thang this summer.  But I got a great tan.)

And along with all those teams, come all those coaches.

So you just knew this was gonna be good.

Side note:  My girl Tina did a spot-on imitation of Neva McGruder back in the DDP/IKEA Lounge, proving that Mama Jones could easily pass as Diva Neva’s stunt double should Tom Cruise decide to throw the Olive Branch coach out a skyscraper window in his next Mission:Impossible sequel.



Kidding.  We love Neva.  And throwing people out of windows is bad, kids.  Stay in school.

And make this show be two hours long while you’re at it.

This week, the teams would only be competing in Stand Battles.  No fluff.  No gimmicks.

Just straight up Fiyah on da Floor.

And no Captain’s Dance Your Pants Off Dance Off this week between Camryn and Crystianna and Makalah, either.

Yaaaaas, hunty.  This competition belonged to outgoing captain Kayla.

k 2

One last chance to lead the Dolls into victory before a new leader took over her spot now that she and Sunjai had graduated from high school.

Speaking of.  Did I forget to congratulate the girls?  I think I forgot.

Congratulations, Boo.  And Boo.  You know you two are inspiration to so many girls out there now, right?  Cuz it don’t matter where you came from or what people say you can or can not do.  Just dream it.  And then get out there and do it.

g1The final battle was also bittersweet for Tina and Seloncé as they both braced themselves for the next chapter in their daughters’ lives.  Life is short.  And babies grow up too fast.

So enjoy ’em while you can, people.  And then buy ’em an Infinity hard top.

Srsly.  You see that thing JJ rolled up in last week?  Dang.  I needed a drink after seeing the sweet ride Sunjai scored for graduation.

Lucky for me, Antionette just showed up in the back room with a perfectly timed armload of booze-in-a-bag to celebrate the team’s final competition.

I know, right?  Clearly, that new lady ain’t just about the Side Eye.  She only spoke 25 words all season, but Hayleigh‘s Mama sure knows how to par-tay.

update5Hashtag:  MomsGoneWild.

F’real.  E’rrybody was slamming shots and dancing on the ceiling and couches like it was Rush Week.  And I’m totes jealz that I wasn’t there breaking it down with my crew.

Watch me whip.  Watch me Mimi.

Side note:  Somewhere amidst all this hilarity, Tina and Mimi also aimed Super Soakers at the other Mamas out on the sidewalk, which I didn’t think you were supposed to do because…you know…the whole don’t get my weave wet thing.

Contrary to popular belief, tho, it’s actually not like when you get Gremlins wet or feed them after midnight.  It wasn’t even close to being that scary.  The other ladies simply ran down the sidewalk like they just heard their names called on The Price Is Right and then Lifetime ran the 278th consecutive commercial for Step It Up.

tumblr_ntr664UGy91tb8iyko4_400Really?  Traci Young-Byron and that kick/stretch thing?

Lawd ha’ mercy.  Set your DVR, gurl, because she is crazy good.

And the good kind of crazy.

Granted, she still completely messes up my television’s auto-adjust color tuning with all the purple and green Cartoon Network backdrops and her stylishly on-trend new Ariana My Little Pony Grande hair, but she can dance.  Remember last season when she stopped everything she was doing just because she saw a bag of gummy worms?

That was pretty much when I decided we all need some Traci Young-Byron in our lives.

True.  She drives Dianna a little nutty sometimes.  But so do I.

#StepItUp.  Fridays at 9pm.  Apparently.

Side note:  I’m starting to think that Mimi feels the same way I do about all these Unauthorized Lifetime Movies that are popping up all over the schedule.

Saved By The Bell?  Really?  And that was necessary why?

mimiFinally, it was Showtime!

And time for this little cutie with the glasses to come off the DD4L bus.


No idea who she is, but she has THE best cartoon eyewear evah and needs to immediately be given a solo next season.  She made me smile as soon as she tumbled out of the Greyhound into the 120% Arkansas humidity even though I could already tell she was smarter than me.  She’s my new BFF.  And this is totally how we’ll look hanging out at the mall together…

Mr_Peabody_and_Sherman_35560Neva and her Divas made their entrance as well, all Diva-fied and ready to let that hair just do what it do.  Let it come right off if it that’s what it takes.  That lady has the most hilarious coaching dialogs, I must say.

And Quincy Oliver was there with his Prancing Tigerettes, too.  Wearing this…

qo1I think he was going for the Bitch Better Have My Trophy look…

bucket-hat-rihannaBut it kind of ended up looking like he should be talking into the wrong end of a phone made out of coconut shells after falling into the lagoon…

OTD-September-2---Bob-Denver-jpgBut we love Quincy.  And Neva.  And everyone else on this show now that you mention it.

We even love Infamous Dancerettes coach John Connor, who clearly didn’t check the weather app on his iPhone before driving all the way to Pine Bluff in a black pleather shirt.

With everyone inside the auditorium already fanning themselves with snack bar paper plates, that poor guy must have been feeling the burn in that hot Arkansas sun.

Which is why you should never wear pleather in the summer.

Or winter.  Or spring.  Or fall.

Q.  So when is it good pleather weather?

A.  Never.  Because it’s pleather.

Even LCDC’s coach The Real McCoy, who we last saw running the wrong way down a high school track trying to get outta Dodge before Dianna took off her shoes and went all Jackson on his a**, arrived on the scene.  He still had his ombré tips and smack talking attitude intact.  Those all seemed unaffected by the day’s intense heat.

It was actually so hot that Rittany wanted to get naked right there in the gym.

And then Neva and Dianna came face-to-face in the hallway.  Because it’s Lifetime.  And that’s what happens on every Lifetime show now.

Neva and her showgirl fan came up to Dianna all like…


Trying to be all like…

1418685199-get-moneyBut ended up more like…

giphy-2This show.  I swear.

Dianna didn’t even know what to say, so she just posed like this…

dvGirl, bye.

Then Miss D and my boy Jay Fever Johnny Harrington V Esquire The Third got the games going after explaining some Hip Hop Math which was even more complicated than Dance Moms Math and made me unintentionally zone out until the party actually started.

It was something about two teams of three going first and second and in some kind of order that may or may not have been alphabetical and pulling names and numbers out of the same coin bag they use on Project Runway for team challenges.

I swear.  Competition rules are just too much work if you ask me.

copySide note:  The Mamas saw Traci and her friend with the buzz cut ‘do sitting in the audience, which made for a nice transition into commercial # 279.  Get it Right or get all the way Left.  I think that’s how it goes.

Plot Twist:  Whoever went up to snatch the Dolls’ trophy at the end of the competition was going to be the new team captain.  That’s how Dianna was gonna play it this week.  Who ever gets called…you’re it next season.  Good luck, girls.

Round 1A:  Dolls vs. the Prancing Tigerettes vs. the fan dancing Divas Of Olive Branch.

Results:  Neva and the Divas eliminated.  See ya.

Competition Day Tip:  If you forget your handmade sign, just hold up yo’ baby.  Same diff.

babyRound 1B:  Xplosive vs. LCDC vs. the Infamous Dancerettes.

Results:  Neva was still complaining about Round One and LCDC got the boot.

Round 2A:  The Infamous Dancerettes vs. Xplosive.

Results:  Infamous Dancerettes moving on to the Finals!

Round 2B:  Dancing Dolls vs. Prancing Tigerettes.

Results:  Quincy went home.  Too bad Gilligan couldn’t get off the island that fast.


And then it all came down to the Dolls vs. the Dancerettes for the Big One.

Side note:  John danced with his team.  Or rather, his team danced backup for John.

And here’s authentic, never-before-seen footage of John entering the auditorium and performing in the Stand Battle all like…


anigif_enhanced-14043-1391366413-1I swear.  I didn’t even doctor the footage.

For all the grief I give Mr. Connor, that bitch can dance.  Even in pleather.


Not to be outdone, the Dancing Dolls peeled the finish off the floor with the help of their Dollhouse choreographers Jay and Tim, who flipped over a pile of girls like it was some kind of hip hop Monster Truck rally or something.  It was off the chain.

And Queen Kayla?  We bow to you.  Cuz that’s how you Get.  It.  Done.

k1 2And then it was FINALLY time to find out who won this shindig.  And who was gonna be captain.  And not a minute too soon I might add, because Mimi was getting all like…

mm…and that’s never a good thing.


Wait for it.

Wait for it.


V0yTNbCObviously, that should have been a photo of all the balloons dropping down from the ceiling and NEW CAPTAIN Camryn snatching up that trophy like a boss.  But I couldn’t get the exact clip I wanted, so if you replace Spelling Bee Guy’s face with this one…

c…it’s kinda the same thing.

(Clearly, learning Photoshop needs to be on my Bucket List.)

Everyone.  Freaked.  Out.

Mimi cried and made so many MimiFaces that they didn’t even register on the MimiFaceScale they were squirting out so fast.  Tina danced and cried and gave Kayla a bouquet of aromatic flowers.  Rittany did all the stuff she always does every time the Dolls win.  And Seloncé made Sunjai a gigantic, fur trimmed Final Battle Poster that you could literally cut arm holes in and wear to the prom it was so BeDazzled.


And then it was over.

Well.  Almost.  Except for the sneaky final Step It Up set up when Dianna and Kayla ran into Traci and BuzzCut Lady (…can someone tell me her name, please?  It’s rude to keep referring to her by her hair…) in the empty auditorium.  Like the coach’s weekly hallway meeting.  But it was an auditorium meeting.

Remember when the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills had that house party at Kyle‘s and the waiters and waitresses from Villa Blanca were all serving food and drinks and all of the sudden it was Vanderpump Rules and we had no idea how the Time & Space DVR Continuum had shifted so quickly that we were now watching an entirely different television show?

It was like that.  But more colorful.  And way more sassier.

But it’s all good.

dwExcept for the fact that Bring It! is done.

That’s not good.

I already miss my girls.  And my DDPs.  And all of Miss D’s positivity and self-esteem building that makes this show so much fun to watch.  I don’t know what the haters are gonna tweet about now.

But who cares about them, right?  The haters are just Dianna’s motivators, anyway.  And you can put that on a glitter t-shirt and sell it in the DD4L Pro-Shop if you’d like.

Cuz it’s true.

For now, the trophy’s on the shelf and Season Two is in the can.

And that makes me sad.

So let’s not say goodbye.  Let’s just say DD4L!

See you next time, peeps.

Peace Out.


Bring It!: Nobody Pom Pom Panic, But We’re Not In Jackson Anymore. Lions And Jaguars And Vows…Oh My.

September 13th, 2015




Today’s episode is brought to you by the letter ‘E’…like in ‘Extra.’ Like all these coaches tryna be.





Whatever. Whatever. Whatever, Boo. And it’s not Petty Betty…it’s Messy Bessy. Get it right, Felicia.






I said get me a box of Goobers, a diet Coke and one of those gigantic cardboard heads.






And Lawd, gimme the strength to not rip off these new eyelashes and beat somebody with ’em.













She’s gon’ kick us both outta here if you don’t turn down the music on that damn Candy Crush.






I get one scene and you stick a white boy in pink panties in the shot? Get me Tawantza’s agent.



So, yeah.

Still having some trouble finding the proper balance between carbs, portion control and timely Bring It! recaps as the summer winds down.  I’m not proud, but at least I own it.

And I still blame the Lifetime executives in charge of programming more than I blame my complete lack of self-control when a burger hits the grill.  Any mid-season television premiere (…of a show that should totally be two hours long, BTW…) that is aired during the last month of quality snack-bar soft-serve is just asking for scheduling conflicts.

But summer’s over.  I think we’re back on track now.

This week, Miss Dianna Williams and her Jackson Dancing Dolls were headed to the Port City Majorette Battle in…I dunno…Port City, maybe…for a potential triple-threat performance.  The team was already booked for the Solo and Pom Pom categories, but would need to come out in the Top Four rankings in order to compete in the final Stand Battle portion of the competition.  Because, you know…rules.

Dianna’s new eyelashes, tho.

e 2

I mean.  Dang.b5a6c7d0-63ee-11e4-ac50-db7d4772479f_Eyelashes-Mink

They were like…Bam!


Looking good, Gurrrrrl.

Too bad all the drama couldn’t stay attached to your lids and not keep showing up with all these coaches lately, huh?  Wassupwiddat?

Whether it’s the elusive search for their 15 Minutes or a defective e-X-tra chromosome somehow making them all act up in front of the cameras, there’s certainly been a lot of confrontational coach moments this past season.

(Insert any loud, random Flashback here: ___________.)  And Dianna was over it.

Not gonna lie.  When she said she needed her Chi to be calm, I thought she said ‘Cheetos,’  which hilariously still made complete sense given the fact that Miss D does love a tasty, finger staining snack after a hard day at the office.

cheetosAlong with the pressure of another competition, Dianna announced to the Dolls that she was also planning the renewal of her wedding vows this week.  How romantical.

Turns out that when she and Robert were first married in 2009, money was tight and they had to cut corners to make it work.  But they did.  And now it was time to celebrate their blessings and show how thankful they were for everything good that has happened in their lives in the last 6 years.  Including my blog, even though the editors clearly cut that line out before they aired the episode.  But whatever.  I know she said it.

And who doesn’t love a wedding, right?  Even a redo.

As the girls all pulled out paper iParty horns and started honking all over the Dollhouse in celebration, my girl Mimi and the rest of the Mamas were back in the freshly painted DDP/IKEA Lounge planning a bachelorette party and thanking the good Lord that they weren’t the ones married to Dianna.

#MimiFace sez:  Seloncé, you so crazy.  m1

This week the Dolls would be going up against the Southern Royalettes, the Exquisite Starlettes, the Forever Pretty Girls, NV’s Dancing Dolls (…potential copyright infringement papers have already been filed in Dianna Williams’ behalf.  You can thank me later…) the Columbus Jaguars and the White Girls In Yoga Pants Who Somehow Manage To Survive An Entire Fall Season Living On Nothing But Pumpkin Lattes.

Q.  Where did all these new even teams come from?  Was I really that out of the loop before Bring It! came into my life?  How embarrassing.

To speed up the process this week, there was no Captain’s Dance Your Pants Off Battle for the top spot.  MaKalah scored the Stand Battle Lead, which gave Camryn time to focus on her upcoming Lioness Solo.  Unleash the Beast.

With all the girls stepping up and working harder than ever this summer, Dianna wanted to award them with opportunities to shine.

Side note:  Was there a lot of ombré hair going on this week, or was it just me?

As the girls started hitting the choreography, we scooted over to Meridien, MS to check in on the Southern Starlettes and Coach Sharon Howard.

I’ll say it.  Since I can.  And nobody else will.

This is Sharon:


This is that lady from HGTV:

carol_duvall_01What channel am I even watching right now?  And I’m being serious.

I wasn’t expecting Sharon.  Or Carol.  But I’m glad they both showed up, because neither of them were gonna take any crap from you or me when it came to respecting their teams.

BONUS:  One of them even had time to make this little guy out of an old Renuzit air freshener during the commercial break.  I swear.


Anyway.  Whoever the coach was, she was a riot.  No hate tweets, please.  We liked her.

Quite a bit, actually.  And as we discuss every week…I’m a little white boy who wore bow ties on Picture Day, so don’t make me keep saying that for the Legal Department.

No worries, though.  Sharon was just as dramatic as the other coaches when the red light came on.  Granted, it was definitely more Cheer Squad/Field Hockey/Someone Forgot To Bring A Crock Pot Cord To the PTA Supper Drama and less Take Off My Hair And Whoop You With It Drama, but Coach Howard still worked it for the camera like a Boss.

As all that hilarity was ensuing, Dianna was back at the Dollhouse bringing everyone up to speed on what to expect this week as they headed to Port City.

Especially from the Columbus Jaguars and their still-as-yet-unseen coach Arthur Harris.

Turns out that Arthur had left some kind of smack talking ransom note on the door of the Dollhouse a few weeks back telling the girls to get ready for a beatdown in Port City.

I know, right?  Who does that?  Besides kidnappers, I mean.

And how far is Columbus from Jackson?  Wouldn’t you just call first?

This is Arthur, who I’m pretty sure is somehow related to Quincy from the Prancing Tigerettes.  They both have the same gene for hand flailing and saying ‘Whatever.’

kingSide note:  This happened for some reason:


Raise yo’ hand if you miss the ’60s.

fc1I think I love Seloncé even more than Woodstock brownies.

That was a joke.  Drugs are bad, kids.


Finally, it was time for the Bachelorette!


Psych.  Kidding.  That crybaby was actually on The Bachelor, not The Bachelorette.  But look at her job title and then tell me how much you hate your job on a sweaty August afternoon.

I’m talking about Dianna’s DDP party.

Complete with feather boas, dirty girl games and one of those nasty boob cakes that even took Rittany‘s breath away for a moment.

I mean…look at the size of those things.  You could literally go into diabetic shock if you went back in for seconds on the left one.  And you just know the censors made Tina pull out all the candles that were shaped like boy parts before they started filming.

ckLemme tell you sumthin.  That.  Party.  Rocked.

Everybody was eating and drinking and werking and twerking like I don’t know what.

Seloncé did this a lot, too.  Because, you know…Seloncé.

sppTina wore this exact outfit, but in electric blue without the mask.

tumblr_mibd6mJQcH1rdzgejo1_500She even swung around two Pom Pom Pasties so fast that it made Mimi kick off her shoes and do a Cake Dance on hot coals for some reason.  You can’t even make this show up anymore.

#MimiFace sez:  No you can’t.  Dat’s rite.

m1Dianna loved her party.  And the snacks.  And the thought that went into it, because it proved that they all really do love each other even if they bicker and snicker and get all up in each other’s bidnezz way too much.

It’s all about the love, yo.  For yo’ kids.  For yo’ family.  For yo’ friends.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Arthur was already wound tighter than Camryn’s big hair by the time he arrived at the venue, yelling orders at his team and waving his #WhackyWavingQuincyArms around like he was selling used cars in a wind storm.

Side note:  They can Buck, too.  Who knew?


After a quick prayer circle where one girl got busted for not head bowing OR eye closing (…ooooh, Dianna gon’ be mad…) the Dolls were ready to get this thing done.

Newsflash:  Jay Fever/Johnny Harrington V was back again to emcee!

F’realz.  That’s him right there.


And he has a name now!!

True Fact:  Everyone’s been asking me and I never knew what it was until this week.  Unfortunately, I was so excited to finally figure out who this guy was that I accidentally clicked on his LinkedIn profile and now he probably thinks I’m creeping him online.  Which I was.  But I’m not now.

First up…the PomPomPalooza.

All the teams killed it on the floor.  Sharon was happy and could already tell that her girls were moving on to the Stand Battle.  She was also eyeing that #CammieHead like she’d never seen a popsicle stick so big.  Just imagine the awesome crafts.

When the Jaguars shook their stuff, Arthur almost lost his nutty he was so excited and somehow managed a perfectly choregraphed Two Snaps Up with some random crazy lady in the bleachers.


You see dat?  It was like they planned it.


And then the Dolls hit the floor and shut it down.

Just like when Twitter almost shut down from e’rryone posting screenshots back and forth and tweeting all like…waymin…isn’t dat…?

tamiaDon’t ask.

Especially right now.  Because Arthur and Dianna just met up in the hallway.  Like they do on every Lifetime Network show now.  Have we learned nothing from six seasons of Dance Moms?

Right there in front of some fancy mural it went down like Donkey Kong.

Arthur jumped Miss D all like…Hiiiiiiiieeeeee……


And Dianna was all like…OhHellNah…Do I Know You?dAnd then they went at it a few rounds until Rittany and some mall cop lady came to break ’em up like it was about to go down in front of the Hallmark Christmas Ornaments on Limited Edition Release Day.

This show.  I swear.  Two hours, please.

Side note:  Please tell me you noticed that Miss D was making the exact same face as the University of South Alabama Jaguar during the entire throw down.  Truth.  They were both ready to bite somebody’s face off as soon as the cheerleaders finished their tumbles.

Put your punk a** doorknob note away.  It’s Game Time, bitch.



The Southern Royalettes were first out on the floor with their Solo routine, followed by Camryn who unleashed the beast all like…RAAAAWWWWWRRRRR!


Side note:  Yes.  I know in the comic book this Lioness is actually part Tiger and part Were-Woman, but that’s exactly how Camryn looked and acted when they wheeled her out in her jungle cage.  So we’re sticking with Tigra.

And speaking of sticks.  Check this big thing out.

hosOrder before midnight tonight and we’ll add a second #CammieHead to your order at no additional charge.  All you pay is shipping, handling and FAA fines for blocking flight patterns with a giant Camryn Harris noggin.

I so need one of those in my life right now.

More than I need this one, probably.  Who knows where those sticks have been.

KrisFaces500This guy seems pretty happy with his #HeadOnAStick, too.  I think those are prison walls.

3#SticksOnAHead are probably another story.  Especially if you’re the Spawn of Satan.

mrs-glick-vs-popsicle-stick1But I know Mimi and I could totally get my #WeaveStix business off the ground if she would just return my calls.  C’mon, girl.  You know I’m on to some good shizz with this one.

6ca45c32f6639271f2c771a0c2f87828But I digress.

Long story, short:  Arthur and his girls got cut from the Stand Battle and he wasn’t having it at all.  The Jaguars didn’t get the final spot, but I’m fairly confident their coach scored a pretty fabulous sashay away down the hallway.  Whatever.

But we got a wedding to get to…so…

Blah Blah Blah.  The Dancing Dolls took ALL THREE TOP PRIZES!

Pom Pom?  Check.  Solo?  Check.  Stand Battle?  Check.

Side note:  You see that TumbleWeave on the floor after the Dolls finished?

Lawd ha’ mercy.  Pick up your toys, kids.


Topped off with a beautiful all-white vow renewal ceremony that was….just so…you know.






drThe Dolls won.

And Love always wins.



Bring It!: Gurrl…Pleez. Better Get Your Hair Tight And Right, Cuz It Looks Like A Saturday Night Lights Fight. A’ight?

August 30th, 2015

tumb 2



Poke me in the eye one mo’ time, Mary Poppins, and we’ll see how far you can really fly with dat.






I do NOT want to go to jail, cuz no prison salon gonna be able to replicate these red ombré tips.






I don’t know if it’s shoes or hair, but that little man is about to make me take something off.






I said get on the 45 yard line and buck it like I taught you so we can all go home. Mama’s hungry.






Now that just ain’t rite. Y’all know that I’d never go on TV with that hair OR that dress. Lawd.






Get that whiplash in your neck, gurrrlz. LCDC in the house.








Oh. Hell. Nah.





So, yeah.

We might be a little behind on our Bring It! recaps.

But it’s not my fault.  F’real.  Blame Lifetime.

I mean, who decided to put all this DD4L awesomeness back on the screen during the last month of summer?  Who did that?

Not that I’m complaining, of course.  Cuz there’s no such thing as a bad time for Dianna Williams and the Dancing Dolls.  Trust me.  And there’s also no such thing as too much Dianna Williams and the Dancing Dolls, either.  You can trust me on that one, too.

Because we looove this show and all the craziness that comes wid it.

But some of us are still working on a base tan and tryna spike our bad cholesterol levels into the red zone before school starts, so I’m a little crunched for time right now.  And I apologize.  Clearly, Lifetime didn’t take any of my needs into consideration when they brought back my show to finish off the season.

But it’s back.  And that’s all that really matters, even if choosing between one last juicy burger on the grill and rushing home for my stories on a Friday night got me all like…
tumblr_nbcexyQBZP1tb8iyko1_500First World Problems, yo.

So, yeah.

We skipped out on last week’s episode.

What You Missed Last Time:  My boy Quincy Oliver and the Prancing Tigerettes were back.  He wore a snappy new bow tie and seemed sassier than the last time we saw him in the hizzle.  The Dolls went to NYC to work with choreographer Tanisha Scott and learned a few new Beyoncé hair whips, which they nailed.  Some other team tacked on five or six Death Drops to the end of their Stand Battle after the music stopped and didn’t lose any points for it, which made Quincy snatch his whole team up off the sidewalk like a bad weave and leave before the Awards Ceremony all like…


One.  I quite enjoy Quincy’s bi-weekly hissy fits.

Two.  I could use that Toddlers & Tiaras gif every week I love it so much.

Three.  Now you’re caught up.

This week’s episode started off on unfamiliar turf.  Literally.

The Dolls were on the well maintained football field at Millsaps College, getting ready for the Saturday Night Lights Field Competition.  This weekend, Miss D’s girls would be performing in both the Field Show and Stand Battle categories at an outdoor event.

No auditorium.  No shiny parquet floors.  No comfort zone.  Just grass.

And a 200 piece marching band, of course.  Because…why not.


Dianna’s Secret Weapon was The Mississippi Alumni All-Star Band, led by a whole bunch of guys all named Travis P.  I swear.  You catch that?  Is that a requirement for graduation or what?  How do they even keep track of everyone’s stuff in the locker room?

This Week’s Rivals:  The Lowndes County Dance Company, the Ladies Of Sparkle, the Royale Dance Team and the Girls Who Put Their Cell Phones In Their Bra And Then Can’t Find Them Right When It’s Time To Swipe The Apple Pay Machine.  So far, I don’t see where this new technology is saving me any time whatsoever at Burger King.

Did I mention that Dianna brought along a bullhorn?  Because she’s so quiet, you know. GTY_real_housewives_atlanta_sk_140421_16x9_608And Mimi brought along a parasol.  Because she’s so delicate in the sun, you know.

umbQ.  Srsly.  Why isn’t this show two hours long?  And broadcast at least 5 days a week?

While Mimi did this a few hundred times…

tumblr_lc6ysrU14N1qewmu6o1_500…we scooted across town to see what this new LCDC dance team was all about.

And to meet their Director, McCoy Flood, who I swear is the love child of T-Pain and Sheneneh Jenkins.  Granted, I don’t have DNA proof to back up that statement, but I bet it would stand up in court.  Anybody else remember Sheneneh?  Oh.  My.  Goodness.

6f2ab9f8983338b473bdc4a787a0362dI liked McCoy.  And not just because his Mama named him after a guy from Star Trek.

Lz1vNv25E6SmAYou got that joke, right?  I can wait.

Honestly, I really like all the rival coaches that wander in and out of this show every week.

They all support their teams to the end of the Earth and strive to give every girl improved self esteem, even though some of them seem to try real hard to be all…

newspaper1…with their smack talk and #DeathToTheDolls commemorative tee shirts.  But it probably comes with the cameras.  We’ve all done stupid things behind The Weather Channel guy during a blizzard.  And don’t say you haven’t, cuz you have.

Newsflash:  The whole point of this show is positivity, right?

WWDD: What Would Dianna Do?


McCoy was all about the bass.  And the hair.  You need to get whiplash in your neck!  He yelled it and snapped it and snapped it and yelled it so hard that I had to hit pause and take an ibuprofen.  I got it, Boo.  I got it right here on the left side.


Back at Millsaps, the Mamas were discussing some of the turmoil going down at Casa Jones.  Kayla had come home after curfew and Tina wasn’t liking it.  Raising an 18 year old isn’t easy, especially when you don’t want them making some of the same choices that you made when you were younger.  Not easy at all, even if your hair is laid like this.


Look at her.  How much do we heart Tina?  Even though I swear that long red pony tail was attached to the baseball hat and not her actual head.  You see that thing?  But again, I base all my observations on everything but the actual truth, so…you know.

Tina’s hair…and my made-up stories…are clearly gifts from the Gawdz.  They just are.

And the fact that Kayla was out way after curfew with a boy?



…that’s just none of my business.

Side note:  Rittany was MIA this week, due to Crystianna being ill.  Get better soon.

Apparently, not even the Magic Mimi Umbrella…tumblr_mp75vemlmD1stcgp2o2_r1_500

…could stop the approaching rain storm or Jackson’s mega-bug infestation, so the Mamas all headed inside to a skybox to scratch their bites and discuss parental responsibility.

Seems like everyone had an opinion on how to raise children.  Especially Nashumba, who got a little too close to Tina’s circuit breaker switch when she started telling her that she needed to push Kayla harder now that she was graduating.

Religion.  Politics.  How to raise yo’ kids.  Yikes…you just don’t.

Tina got all like…


Nashumba got all like…

n5And then Mimi had to break ’em up all like…

tnSide note:  That new Mama Antionette didn’t say much this week.

But she did make this face a lot.

fc1Here it is again.  This one is a little happier, because she finds the latest #MimiFace to be particularly hilarious.  As she should.

msSpoiler Alert:  But it was at the actual Saturday Night Lights competition when she pulled out the Big Guns.  WTF?  You smell dat?

fcI think I like her already.

With practice delayed due to a life threatening electrical storm, Tina had time for a Mother/Daughter sit-down back at Casa Jones, which gave me such a high school flashback that I needed to walk away from the television for a few minutes.

Had Lifetime Television actually been listening in on all the conversations I had with my parents for the first 18 years of my life?  How could Tina be saying almost word-for-word the exact same thing that every grown-up said to every kid in my neighborhood when I was young?  How is that even possible?

You mean to tell me that adults really do have our best interests in mind when they nag?  And that they’re really just making sure we all have a better life than they had at any cost?  And that the part about school being important no matter what your long term dreams are…?  Is that part true, too?

Education, kids.  Just do it.

tumblr_nj4fgeWetz1qk08n1o1_500 Oh.  And Kayla made the same faces I made when I was 18 years old, too.

Totes McGoats.

kjDid I forget to mention the part where Camryn and Makalah went head-to-head in this week’s Captain’s Dance Your Pants Off Dance Off?  Because they did.

And did I also forget to mention that it was me who predicted a few weeks back that Camryn’s time was coming soon?  And that she scored the Captain’s spot this week?  And that I don’t want to say I told you so, but…#IToldYouSo.

cShe even bonked Makalah in the forehead all like ‘Boop!’

mcFinally, it was Showtime!

And time for McCoy to jump Dianna in the parking lot in his airbrushed Tiger Shirt all like…

originalThis dude.  I swear.  And right before competition?  Ain’t nobody got time for that.

prisAnd don’t even tell me he just said that all he could see were Miss D’s teeth.  Don’t even.

anigif_enhanced-5129-1393429731-11First out on the field were the girls from Royale.  Who, according to Antionette, were definitely cornbread fed.  Because she said that.

And because they were.facepalm-gifLawd, this show.  I just can’t sometimes.  Hilarious.

Side note:  I don’t know what was in that corn, but them girls could dance.  Dang.  Gimme some of that, right now before I hit da klub.

The Ladies Of Sparkle were next to dance in the Field Show category, followed by LCDC.

And all of McCoy’s hair, of course.  Just like this.

danceweirdpeanutscharactersNot even lying.  That’s exactly how he was whipping it on the side lines while his team performed their routine.  Side to Side with a Slide and then a Fast Ride, bitches.  Even Seloncé had to pause in a moment of awe just to take it all in before McCoy was overshadowed by the Fabulousness that was LCDC’s Secret Weapon.

Dexter Brown: Baton Twirler.

Gurrrrl, pleez.  Loved him.

Dexter came out in some green glitter thang looking like the opening of Wicked and tossed his sparkly baton all over the place until half the bleachers fell out in a church faint.

After he brought the house down, he and McCoy even had time to chit chat about something they had seen in the locker room before the show.  Not sure what they were talking about, but it was only this big.  So…yeah.  Sparkle, baby.

inchMemo to Lifetime:  If Dexter doesn’t have his own show by January, I swear.

And then 100 Dancing Dolls and 200 band members all marched out onto the field and shut it down.  Tubas and Twerks.  Cuz that’s how they do.

Almost immediately there were some very animated discussions regarding whether or not the Dolls routine was going over the required 7 minute limit, not including entrances and exits and more Dance Math than I care to debate now that Dance Moms is on hiatus.

I dunno.  I’m not good at that part.  But Dexter and McCoy  (…wasn’t that a TV show in the ’80s?…) kept looking at their watches and doing DivaYawns.  So who knows.

And then it was all about the face-off between the Dolls and LCDC.  And why this little girl was so tired when it’s only 7pm on a Saturday night.


Srsly, sweetie.  Go to bed early.  The internet will still be there in the morning.  I promise.

And then it all hit the Stand Fan.

Dianna counted some LCDC routines that went longer than the allowed 28 counts and brought her concerns up to the emcee, which McCoy didn’t like one bit.

No he did not.


Wait for it.

Wait for it…


Worst.  Football.  Game.  Ever.

It was Miss D vs. Sheneneh.  And it was on.

tumblr_lmciat0DbG1ql3wjyo1_400E’rrybody was screaming at e’rrybody else on the track surrounding the field.  McCoy’s hair was whipping and doing the nae nae all over the place like it had a mind of its own.

Dianna was screaming.  McCoy was screaming.  Seloncé even stood up in the bleachers and started screaming.  Dexter was still twirling stuff and being Fierce, BTW.  That’s his signature thing, I guess.

Dianna even went down to remove her stilettos (…“Don’t make me take my shoes off”…) until she realized she was wearing her good Michael Kors and thought better of it.

Mama’s got her priorities straight even in the heat of the battle.

And then McCoy put his hand in her face.  Which you just don’t do.

The rest is history.


Clearly, the only way to solve this one was a Captain’s Battle Bonus Round.

Reminder:  You might wanna tip your waitress, cuz Camryn Harris just served you dinner.

In the end, it turned out that the Dolls actually had gone 30 seconds over on their Field Show routine and were docked points by all the judges, which dropped Dianna’s girls down to Second Place at the Awards.  She wasn’t happy with the math, but stood by their performance and was proud as ever.

As for the Stand Battle prize, Camryn swiped First Place right out from under the LCDC so fast they didn’t even see the trophy get tossed into the back of Dolls’ bus.

And for those of you who missed it the first time:  #IToldYouSo.

So the Dolls split the win this time.  And then it was over.

Another recap.  Another week closer to Summer Slam.

I didn’t realize how late is was.  No wonder I’m so tired.



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