Bring It!: Gurrl…Pleez. Better Get Your Hair Tight And Right, Cuz It Looks Like A Saturday Night Lights Fight. A’ight?August 30th, 2015
Poke me in the eye one mo’ time, Mary Poppins, and we’ll see how far you can really fly with dat.
I do NOT want to go to jail, cuz no prison salon gonna be able to replicate these red ombré tips.
I don’t know if it’s shoes or hair, but that little man is about to make me take something off.
I said get on the 45 yard line and buck it like I taught you so we can all go home. Mama’s hungry.
Now that just ain’t rite. Y’all know that I’d never go on TV with that hair OR that dress. Lawd.
Get that whiplash in your neck, gurrrlz. LCDC in the house.
Oh. Hell. Nah.
We might be a little behind on our Bring It! recaps.
But it’s not my fault. F’real. Blame Lifetime.
I mean, who decided to put all this DD4L awesomeness back on the screen during the last month of summer? Who did that?
Not that I’m complaining, of course. Cuz there’s no such thing as a bad time for Dianna Williams and the Dancing Dolls. Trust me. And there’s also no such thing as too much Dianna Williams and the Dancing Dolls, either. You can trust me on that one, too.
Because we looove this show and all the craziness that comes wid it.
But some of us are still working on a base tan and tryna spike our bad cholesterol levels into the red zone before school starts, so I’m a little crunched for time right now. And I apologize. Clearly, Lifetime didn’t take any of my needs into consideration when they brought back my show to finish off the season.
But it’s back. And that’s all that really matters, even if choosing between one last juicy burger on the grill and rushing home for my stories on a Friday night got me all like…
First World Problems, yo.
We skipped out on last week’s episode.
What You Missed Last Time: My boy Quincy Oliver and the Prancing Tigerettes were back. He wore a snappy new bow tie and seemed sassier than the last time we saw him in the hizzle. The Dolls went to NYC to work with choreographer Tanisha Scott and learned a few new Beyoncé hair whips, which they nailed. Some other team tacked on five or six Death Drops to the end of their Stand Battle after the music stopped and didn’t lose any points for it, which made Quincy snatch his whole team up off the sidewalk like a bad weave and leave before the Awards Ceremony all like…
One. I quite enjoy Quincy’s bi-weekly hissy fits.
Two. I could use that Toddlers & Tiaras gif every week I love it so much.
Three. Now you’re caught up.
This week’s episode started off on unfamiliar turf. Literally.
The Dolls were on the well maintained football field at Millsaps College, getting ready for the Saturday Night Lights Field Competition. This weekend, Miss D’s girls would be performing in both the Field Show and Stand Battle categories at an outdoor event.
No auditorium. No shiny parquet floors. No comfort zone. Just grass.
And a 200 piece marching band, of course. Because…why not.
Dianna’s Secret Weapon was The Mississippi Alumni All-Star Band, led by a whole bunch of guys all named Travis P. I swear. You catch that? Is that a requirement for graduation or what? How do they even keep track of everyone’s stuff in the locker room?
This Week’s Rivals: The Lowndes County Dance Company, the Ladies Of Sparkle, the Royale Dance Team and the Girls Who Put Their Cell Phones In Their Bra And Then Can’t Find Them Right When It’s Time To Swipe The Apple Pay Machine. So far, I don’t see where this new technology is saving me any time whatsoever at Burger King.
While Mimi did this a few hundred times…
And to meet their Director, McCoy Flood, who I swear is the love child of T-Pain and Sheneneh Jenkins. Granted, I don’t have DNA proof to back up that statement, but I bet it would stand up in court. Anybody else remember Sheneneh? Oh. My. Goodness.
Honestly, I really like all the rival coaches that wander in and out of this show every week.
They all support their teams to the end of the Earth and strive to give every girl improved self esteem, even though some of them seem to try real hard to be all…
…with their smack talk and #DeathToTheDolls commemorative tee shirts. But it probably comes with the cameras. We’ve all done stupid things behind The Weather Channel guy during a blizzard. And don’t say you haven’t, cuz you have.
Newsflash: The whole point of this show is positivity, right?
WWDD: What Would Dianna Do?
McCoy was all about the bass. And the hair. You need to get whiplash in your neck! He yelled it and snapped it and snapped it and yelled it so hard that I had to hit pause and take an ibuprofen. I got it, Boo. I got it right here on the left side.
Back at Millsaps, the Mamas were discussing some of the turmoil going down at Casa Jones. Kayla had come home after curfew and Tina wasn’t liking it. Raising an 18 year old isn’t easy, especially when you don’t want them making some of the same choices that you made when you were younger. Not easy at all, even if your hair is laid like this.
Look at her. How much do we heart Tina? Even though I swear that long red pony tail was attached to the baseball hat and not her actual head. You see that thing? But again, I base all my observations on everything but the actual truth, so…you know.
Tina’s hair…and my made-up stories…are clearly gifts from the Gawdz. They just are.
And the fact that Kayla was out way after curfew with a boy?
…that’s just none of my business.
Side note: Rittany was MIA this week, due to Crystianna being ill. Get better soon.
…could stop the approaching rain storm or Jackson’s mega-bug infestation, so the Mamas all headed inside to a skybox to scratch their bites and discuss parental responsibility.
Seems like everyone had an opinion on how to raise children. Especially Nashumba, who got a little too close to Tina’s circuit breaker switch when she started telling her that she needed to push Kayla harder now that she was graduating.
Religion. Politics. How to raise yo’ kids. Yikes…you just don’t.
Tina got all like…
Nashumba got all like…
But she did make this face a lot.
With practice delayed due to a life threatening electrical storm, Tina had time for a Mother/Daughter sit-down back at Casa Jones, which gave me such a high school flashback that I needed to walk away from the television for a few minutes.
Had Lifetime Television actually been listening in on all the conversations I had with my parents for the first 18 years of my life? How could Tina be saying almost word-for-word the exact same thing that every grown-up said to every kid in my neighborhood when I was young? How is that even possible?
You mean to tell me that adults really do have our best interests in mind when they nag? And that they’re really just making sure we all have a better life than they had at any cost? And that the part about school being important no matter what your long term dreams are…? Is that part true, too?
Education, kids. Just do it.
And did I also forget to mention that it was me who predicted a few weeks back that Camryn’s time was coming soon? And that she scored the Captain’s spot this week? And that I don’t want to say I told you so, but…#IToldYouSo.
And time for McCoy to jump Dianna in the parking lot in his airbrushed Tiger Shirt all like…
Side note: I don’t know what was in that corn, but them girls could dance. Dang. Gimme some of that, right now before I hit da klub.
The Ladies Of Sparkle were next to dance in the Field Show category, followed by LCDC.
And all of McCoy’s hair, of course. Just like this.
Not even lying. That’s exactly how he was whipping it on the side lines while his team performed their routine. Side to Side with a Slide and then a Fast Ride, bitches. Even Seloncé had to pause in a moment of awe just to take it all in before McCoy was overshadowed by the Fabulousness that was LCDC’s Secret Weapon.
Dexter Brown: Baton Twirler.
Gurrrrl, pleez. Loved him.
Dexter came out in some green glitter thang looking like the opening of Wicked and tossed his sparkly baton all over the place until half the bleachers fell out in a church faint.
After he brought the house down, he and McCoy even had time to chit chat about something they had seen in the locker room before the show. Not sure what they were talking about, but it was only this big. So…yeah. Sparkle, baby.
And then 100 Dancing Dolls and 200 band members all marched out onto the field and shut it down. Tubas and Twerks. Cuz that’s how they do.
Almost immediately there were some very animated discussions regarding whether or not the Dolls routine was going over the required 7 minute limit, not including entrances and exits and more Dance Math than I care to debate now that Dance Moms is on hiatus.
I dunno. I’m not good at that part. But Dexter and McCoy (…wasn’t that a TV show in the ’80s?…) kept looking at their watches and doing DivaYawns. So who knows.
And then it was all about the face-off between the Dolls and LCDC. And why this little girl was so tired when it’s only 7pm on a Saturday night.
Srsly, sweetie. Go to bed early. The internet will still be there in the morning. I promise.
And then it all hit the Stand Fan.
Dianna counted some LCDC routines that went longer than the allowed 28 counts and brought her concerns up to the emcee, which McCoy didn’t like one bit.
No he did not.
Wait for it.
Wait for it…
Worst. Football. Game. Ever.
It was Miss D vs. Sheneneh. And it was on.
Dianna was screaming. McCoy was screaming. Seloncé even stood up in the bleachers and started screaming. Dexter was still twirling stuff and being Fierce, BTW. That’s his signature thing, I guess.
Dianna even went down to remove her stilettos (…“Don’t make me take my shoes off”…) until she realized she was wearing her good Michael Kors and thought better of it.
Mama’s got her priorities straight even in the heat of the battle.
And then McCoy put his hand in her face. Which you just don’t do.
The rest is history.
Clearly, the only way to solve this one was a Captain’s Battle Bonus Round.
Reminder: You might wanna tip your waitress, cuz Camryn Harris just served you dinner.
In the end, it turned out that the Dolls actually had gone 30 seconds over on their Field Show routine and were docked points by all the judges, which dropped Dianna’s girls down to Second Place at the Awards. She wasn’t happy with the math, but stood by their performance and was proud as ever.
As for the Stand Battle prize, Camryn swiped First Place right out from under the LCDC so fast they didn’t even see the trophy get tossed into the back of Dolls’ bus.
And for those of you who missed it the first time: #IToldYouSo.
So the Dolls split the win this time. And then it was over.
Another recap. Another week closer to Summer Slam.
I didn’t realize how late is was. No wonder I’m so tired.