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Dance Moms: Holy Moly, Chloe! It Was Starbound To Happen Sooner Or Later. But Can You Really Go Home Again?

Thursday, February 23rd, 2017

nia

 

 

I just can’t believe it’s been 7 years and they still haven’t filled one pothole in this parking lot.

 

 

ch

 

 

This kitchen remod is way over budget. Put your shoes on, girls…it’s time to go snatch up some Lifetime coins.

 

 

jill

 

 

 

Did I tell you that I’m dropping a hip, new musical video this week? It’s already on my FacePage.

 

 

 

 

 

So ignore it. Do it anyways. Prove them wrong. And read DanThat’sCool. Hear that, haters?

 

 

cns4

 

 

A few treats from Canton’s Jerky King in the gopher trap and just like that I got a new fur stole.

 

 

ab

 

 

 

FYI. Sing Sing’s an all-male, maximum security prison, you idiot. But Mama does like her boys.

 

S01-E01_15-06

 

 

 

We were gonna show up, too, but that one couldn’t find her phone and they left without us.

 

 

 

Quick question.

Asking for a friend, of course.
chloe

Dat’s rite.

We’re back.  At least for one week, anyway.

So try to contain your enthusiasm…fDaXui9…because it’s really happening, people.

The long awaited reveal of the worst kept secret in the history of Reality TV.

And me finally getting off my lazy a** to recap Dance Moms like the good ol’ days.

Double Whammy.

Deuces

And it’s all because Chloe Lukasiak is back in the hizzle, yo.Dance-1Dq6V_f-maxage-0_zpsnafcxcymI know, right?

But first…

Dance-Moms-6x15-Recap-Melissa-should-be-sorryI know I’ve been slacking on this blog lately.  Bigly.

trump-dismissive-gif

Fact:  I missed you guys.  F’realz.

Alternative Fact:  Unfortunately, this hot mess of a site has catapulted me into such a stratospheric new level of #SuperStardom that I no longer have time for the little people anymore.

I’m kind of a big deal now.

putting-on-sunglasses-white-purple-wowtumblr_niujn0MVjB1tb8iyko1_500Or not, maybe.

Closer to the actual truth might be the fact that Lifetime TV (…and that lady in the orange…) still refuse to pay my rent each month, which means I’m required to continue working a real job in the real world for a real small paycheck.

An annoyance which has seriously cut into quality couch time in front of my widescreen.

Don’t get me wrong, tho.

I’m sure Lifetime would be more than willing to compensate me for all this hilarity if a certain Executive Producer wasn’t pissing away all the profits on gym memberships and designer LensCrafters frames.

But you didn’t hear that from me.bstgiphy-1Kidding.  He’s my boy.  It’s all good.

And if he thinks they makes him look like Clark Kent on Casual Friday…whatever.

Side note:  Did we ever get an answer as to why Melissa and Jill wore the same hair that day?

Jill_and_Melissa_-_Season_5_Reunion

What was that all about?

Side note 2:  Remember when they used to film the Reunion Shows in Kelly‘s basement?  That was back when Jill did her own hair.  BRAND_LFT_DMOM_110987_CRS_2997_060_20130920_V1_HD_768x432-16x9But they fancy now.  Real Housewives of Pittsburgh 4Life.

And as far as the MIA Dance Moms recaps, it’s not like we lost touch during my absence.

To the contrary, actually.

I heard from many of you on social media.

dance-moms-season-7-premiere-recap-remember-thistumblr_novr40oSA11uvr2ddo1_500dance-moms-7x08-recap-dance-mom-holly-frazier-gets-annoyedgotohell

You know.  The usual.giphy copy 4But now we’re all back together again.  In Pittsburgh.  Where it all began.

The birthplace of the ALDC.

And home to the ALDC.  But not the same ALDC.  Pay attention…because it’s confusing.

Turns out the Pittsburgh Abby Lee Dance Company is now the Appolonia Leake Dance Company.

Or at least on paper and in Yelp reviews.  Everything else still has the old name all over it.

One.  The fact that they found someone with the exact same initials to sign the lease is amazing.  If it’s a lease, I mean.  One Instagram account says Ms. Leake owns the ALDC now.

Two.  It’s not this Apollonia.

purple-rain-4The one riding on the back of Prince‘s motorcycle in Purple Rain spells her name with one ‘P’ and two ‘Ls’ and should be wearing a helmet.

The one that is slowly painting over all evidence that Abby Lee Miller ever stepped foot in the building is spelled with two ‘Ps’ and one ‘L.’  Because, of course it is.

Look at Abby ’bout ready to rip that damn sign right off the wall.

aldcSide note:  If they still have that Reign Dance Production marquee up on the highway, I’m not playing anymore.  Don’t even ask me where the Maryen Lorraine Dance Studio fits into all this mess.
7R0F35ORegardless.  E’rryone is back in PA for Nationals.  Because, you know.  The Road to Nationals.

As Holly and Nia Sioux took in the view from the parking lot, marveling at the gutted out flat top pavement and subzero temperatures, Abby was inside getting ready to not run the Pyramid of Shame.

potholeYou can’t see it in that photo, but Holly was wearing an 84K diamond cocktail necklace at 2 in the afternoon.  Because she can now.  And she did.

Remember when Nia was so little she used to disappear in those parking lot cracks  like they were sink holes?  Our little Sasha is all growed up like wicked big now.

Tumblr_lxm6cgZKhM1qmsq6vOnce everyone made it inside, all the girls fell into Beyoncé Formation one last time.

At least in Pittsburgh.  The whole show was in kind of a TMZ flux during filming.

Look at this and tell me you don’t feel old.

rehost-2016-9-13-93cc7c74-ed62-4578-b0bd-c4e7ca7f4e92lineupWhat the what with these little kids—?

And don’t tell me that it wasn’t a complete mindf*** to see all those new Moms mixed in with the Few & the Proud remaining Original Recipe Moms, all standing at the same Pure Barre railing that Mackenzie used to bump her head on every week.

Especially this Mom.

bowWho’s the perfect toxic mash-up of that lady who always screams at her kids…

54eaa11ab4bf2_-_h-wd1109-kate-gosselin-2…and that other lady who was always in the top/middle spot on Hollywood Squares.

RoseMarieI mean, c’mon.

bow1This is when I really wish Joan Rivers was still alive.

Oh.  And it was Pashmina Poncho Day at the ALDC.  But only for the OGs.

ponchoI’m not even sure who this kid is.  I don’t think she’s danced in the last 3 weeks, has she?dShe seems nice, tho.

And look at these two niblets.mini

As previously noted, there was so much to do this week (…Nationals!…) that Abby decided it was best to skip the Pyramid and get right down to bidnezz, which kind of disappointed me since I was really looking forward to one last creaky, dusty PA Pyramid.

687474703a2f2f696d61676573322e77696b69612e6e6f636f6f6b69652e6e65742f5f5f636232303133303430313134323734362f64616e63656d6f6d732f696d616765732f662f66652f5330312d4530315f30342d34322e6a7067#NeverForget.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  When the temperature drops, the fur comes out and the Bump-It goes up.

jillj2Fact:  It’s more accurate than the Weather Channel.  And if I’m lying, I’m dying.

This week (…at Nationals!…) Lilly, Elliana, Kalani and Brynn all scored solos, which meant that the two most senior members of the ALDC Team got nada.

reallyNia’s #SrslyFace is straight up #Goals.

Kendall didn’t seem as concerned, tho, probably because this was the week her new music video was going to be premiered to a throng of screaming young girls who shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a nightclub that has open liquor bottles displayed on the wall.

Spoiler Alert:

tumblr_olr1upJLds1tb8iyko1_500Q.  Where would I be without you?

But Nia and Kendall would at least be part of the Big Girl group routine (…cryptically entitled “Is There Still Hope?”…) where they would all portray characters from the seedier side of the PA streets.

Kalani was going to be the junkie.  KK schizophrenic.  Brynn was developing an eating disorder.  Newbie Camryn would rep the prostitutes.

200_s

And Nia was going to be in a gang, because…LaQuifa What?

imagestumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500reallySwear to Gawd.  Seven years later and Abby’s still trying to make her wear that lace front.

Full disclosure:  Initially, the group routine was going to be a number about conquering cancer, but Abby had forgotten that the girls had already sung that song with a pink ribbon way back in the old’n days.

Once the Moms reminded her that she was about to recycle a routine, Abby went and sat on her crash pad until Nia’s gang dance came to her in a vision.

a1abby dancing 2

#CrashPadMemories.  Good times.

And then the internet started to break:

Our first glimpse of Chloe and Christi and no-longer-a-baby Baby Clara.

First in a flashback, which explained the Lukasiaks’ Season 4 departure, but did nothing to address what exactly was happening in the back of Abby’s hair while Christi was ripping her a new one…

fb1…and then in a flashforward (…I think that should have been two words…) which made me a little emotional for my Toddlers & Tiaras crew.

Dance Moms:
tToddlers & Tiaras:

A-past-contestant-seen-on-Toddlers--Tiaras._gallery_primary

Dance Moms:c2

Toddlers & Tiaras:Toddlers_And_Tiaras_Recap

Dance Moms:claraLook at how big Clara got.  That’s crazy pants.

Long story short.  This…

tumblr_mebsdpvAYP1rytq3ko1_500…turned into this when nobody was looking.

c3Casa Lukasiak got a kitchen makeover with a pretty pricey refrigerator.

ch1

And this is a good color on Christi.ch4A Million Bonus Points:  That strategically placed Teen Choice Award surfboard was EVERYthing.

Remember when Chloe scored that giant foam slab in 2015 and so many girls screamed that all the neighborhood dogs started running in circles?  The Library was open on that Read when she read Abby at the podium, right?

Chloe-Lukasiak-teen-choice-winner-00

And her stunt double got one, too, which I thought was nice.  You don’t think our girl did 4 years of Christi vs. Abby fight scenes without some help, do you?  b083fe9562de173bc8d22e

A Million More Bonus Points:  After deciding to crash the Nationals party, Chloe said that if things got out of control, maybe the Federal Government could help them with Abby.

#OhNoSheDin’t.

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoaMeanwhile, back at the ALDC, all the wrong Moms were up in the Original MomPerch all sitting in the wrong MomSpots.  Shout out to Holly for snagging her end seat, tho.  All those years running into a crowded school cafeteria finally paid off.  Dat’s my seat, yo.

dance-moms-holly-melissa

The new Moms gnawed on each others’ necks for awhile after finding out that Lilly’s Dad was doing the vocals on her solo music.  Which I guess would be an issue if her Dad was Nat King Cole or something.

But he’s not.  So relax.

mI literally can’t stop looking at that hair.

m1Look at Yolanda.  You know she wants to.

Public Service Announcement:  Brace yourselves, ladies.  Put your trays in the upright position and fix your lip gloss, cuz we’re all about to experience a #ZackAttack.

zToddlers_And_Tiaras_RecapI know, right?  So dreamy.

Little Zack Torres is now Big Zack Torres and he just made his triumphant return to the Candy Apples!

zorro7_zpsf6605685

Look at Ava back there.   She knows wassup.

z1I probably could’ve done without Cougar Cathy Nesbitt-Stein pointing out what a #ZackSnack he was in front of all the kids…but she’s old, not dead.  So I guess…you know.

cnsGot enough crap on those shelves?

And this Mom was back again.

haleySide note:  I realize that every time Melanie‘s on the show I point out how she once knocked over my soda at a Boston Food Court and just kept walking like she had somewhere to go, but I feel it needs constant repeating because it cost me almost $1.50 in gym bag change.

This Mom returned, too.

zzzzSssssh.  Don’t wake her.  She’s resting up for a Throw Down later.

The CADC group routine was going to be about Abduction and Human Trafficking, which was a heavy and emotionally disturbing subject to everyone.  Especially 20 years ago when the ALDC did it with a playground swing.  But, again…I’m not judging.  Out loud.

I’m not even sure who this Mom is, but she experienced abduction in her own family and that is both heartbreaking and not cool, so she was allowed to get emotional.

taraKeep your kids close.  Nobody should have to go through that.  Ever.

Alternative Fact:  I think I forgot to mention that Cathy was positively gleeful at the possibility of Abby ending up in Sing Sing when all the financial drama reached Sentencing.

You might to Google that before you go on CNN, honey.cns1Bonus MomPerch footage:  Please tell me you saw that interaction between Kira and Ashlee when Kira was all like ‘Don’t even tell me you’re gonna put that whole thing in you mouth all at once…”

ka

And Ashlee was all like “Watch me…”ka1

And Kira was all like “OhMyGod you totally did it.  How ’bout you chew your food?…”kiraAnd then Holly was all like #HollyFace.khaDisclaimer:  Kidding.

You know I love Ashlee even though she stopped following me on Twitter.  And let’s be real.  Whatever she was inhaling looked mighty tasty, so scoot over and break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar.

And then we were off to Kendall K’s music video premiere!!!!

kk

Starring Jill!
v

And more Jill!
v1And even more Jill!

tumblr_inline_mj71f0nIBR1qg907pGo home, Jill.  You’re drunk.

tumblr_olr1x3c44W1tb8iyko1_500Disclaimer(s):  You know Jill Vertes will always be my MomCrush.  Your arguments are invalid.

And I guess Kendall K’s actual…actual…online music video looks completely different and actually stars Kendall K.  So I’m not really sure what they premiered.  Or why Abby was selling merch in the lobby like it was a Grateful Dead tour.  Maybe she’s just a little short on cash.

(Too soon?)

Side note:  Not gonna lie.  I thought Abby was shaving Kate Gosselin’s back in this clip until I realized she was just autographing some of the DeadHead t-shirts.  You can’t even make this stuff up anymore.

akateThe next day, after a tearful last look at the ALDC studio in the rearview mirror, it was Showtime!

In an airplane hangar.  On the Planet Hoth.

Look at how far away the makeup tables were from the front door.

airAnd look at how how cold it was in there.

giphy-1actumblr_myulqp8MPg1r93xiko6_r1_500ahI’m pretty sure this show stopped making sense somewhere around the middle of Season One.

Everybody was freezing, which I guess would explain why the emcee’s cheeks were so pink during the Red Carpet photo op.  Careful with that mic, dude.

sb  You know what happened the last time somebody shoved something in her face.

ReJtLxHAnd then Cathy & Co. stampeded through the ALDC makeup hangar like they always do, pushing over both the vinyl banner and Holly’s last button.

hfThat’s enough Candy Apple nonsense for me, thank you very much.

Side note:  Isn’t this copyright infringement?

cokeCoca-cola advertLooks like Abby might have a roommate in Sing Sing after all.

And then Abby kinda sorta mentally shut down and didn’t even bother to give the girls their normal pre-game pep talk, which got an already frustrated Holly even more frustrated.

harmFact:  She’s literally been waving that right arm in the air for 7 years.

And then finally, it was really Showtime!

Programming Note:  Since we’re running a little long given the 2 hour broadcast, I’ll try to trim the fat to speed up the process.

Zack’s makeup was on point.

zz

Zack’s Mom.  When your son has better contouring than you, why even bother.torres

I love Gina.

Human Prop Vivi-Anne was back to reclaim her title as Miss Human Abduction Prop 2017.

vivZack scooped her up faster than Chunky Monkey on Ben & Jerry’s Free Cone Day.  I love Vivi-Anne almost as much as she loves ice cream.  Which is a lot.  And more than dancing.

giphy-2Why this kid doesn’t have a sitcom yet, I swear…

Lilly’s Dad looks like the guy from The Commish after he shaved his head.  And her brother’s gonna be a heart breaker once he stops sleeping with a retainer.

familylillyThis random guy’s eyebrows, tho.  I just can’t.  And neither can Kira.

eyeWait for it…

cc1

There’s Holly’s right arm again.armWait for it…

cc2There was even some dancing, but you’re gonna have to Google the results.  You know the rules.

minis khh aldc l2Wait for it…

cccryKate Gosselin almost punched out that other Mom after the competition.

push fightAnd then…

Wait for it…

wait-whatOk. Now.

maxresdefault tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko1_500 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko3_400 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko2_400Everyone.  Lost.  Their.  Minds.

Holly was a #HotMess.

hjc

Jill wasn’t sure how she felt about Christi’s off-the-shoulder peasant dress.jc

Chloe was thinking about getting back into competition mode.compete

Christi already needed a drink. clThere were hugs and kisses and screams and more hugs and more kisses and more screaming.

And then just like that…it was over.

Or was it?  Is it?

Chloe was back.

Or was she?

Can you really go home again?

To be continued…

Lolppo

Toddlers & Tiaras: Git It Gurrrrl! That’s Right…It’s Time To Sparkle And Spray Again, Baby. They’re Baaaaaaack!

Thursday, August 25th, 2016

tb2

 

 

I swear.  Some of these Mamas get me so stressed out I could almost blink.

 

 

bowww

 

 

I know you’re not gonna ask me to put on some cheer bow from Claire’s when my hair is on point.

 

 

bow2

 

 

If she don’t want it, I’ll take it. Bows are kinda my thing…

 

 

tracks

 

 

Somebody better start blending, cuz I’m not leaving the house with my tracks showing.

 

tdd3

 

 

 

Telling you right now I’m not missing Leg Day cuz some crazy Mama can’t read a damn clock.

 

 

mouth

 

 

Look! I literally filled my own cavity with a big bag of sequins from Michaels. This s*** just got real.

 

 

 

Buckle up that car seat, kids.

Make sure the lid on your sippy cup is secure, too.

And you might wanna even take out that flipper so you don’t choke on it.

Because…yes.

tumblr_n5hcm3Cd9y1qlvwnco1_500Yaaas.

tumblr_o52nnutCWg1rlafseo1_400Yaaaas.

dsghfdsgfhAnd just…yes.

eInav

Toddlers & Tiaras is back.

And it’s back with a vengeance.

The dry spell is over.  After disappearing from television screens for a long 3 years, all the glitz, glam and go-go juice is back in our face.  But with an upgrade.

It’s Toddlers 2.0.

Or what we like to call the Dance Mom-ization of the Free World.

ezgif.com-cropMore Noise.  More Mama Drama.

More crazy Moms (…Spoiler Alert…) sprawled out all over the furniture being crazy.  Then some more noise.  And then some more Mama Drama.

And, if time allows between commercials, maybe even some tiny kids trying to balance ginormous sparkle crowns on their heads.

Side note:  Srly?  Three years later and we still haven’t found a way to make headgear that…I dunno…actually fits a head?  How many unaired scenes involving the Jaws of Life do you think we’ve missed over the years?

Look at this poor kid.  A headband, a hair bow, a ponytail, two hands and the thing still won’t stay on her head.  What the h***?  She’s like 17 pounds soaking wet.

crwThere’s starving Vegas Showgirls out there who could use those crystals.

I love this show, BTW.

And now it’s back.  And just in time.

After months of getting in and out of my bathing suit after all those summer BBQs…

pricklylegs.tumblr1…nobody was happier to see this show return than me.

Except for maybe Cambrie Littlefield.

Because she’s reeeeaaaallly into pageants.  Like…really.

c

You remember Cambrie.  We heart her.

She’s the pageant coach owner of Cambrie’s Court School for Gifted Pageant Girls in Las Vegas, which I swear used to be called Cambrie’s Cuties before the 2.0 Upgrade.

Even Cambrie herself got an upgrade.  Dang, gurl.

Last time we saw Cam I think she was in some country bar or something doing pretty feet in thigh high boots.  If we’re being honest, my DVR taped over all the old T & T episodes with new General Hospitals, so I can’t go back and research my facts.

But I don’t think I’m making that part up.  Or I could be.

But we love her no matter what.  She’s sassy.

Look at her kicking it like some Real Housewife of Nevada in a Reunion Show dress that’s cut almost all the way up to the Vegas Strip.

cll

giphy-1A self-proclaimed Pageant Goddess since the age of 2 who can’t keep a Second Place trophy OR a Man, Cambrie is #Goals.

Moving on down the road a bit to Phoenix, we next met pageant coach, Jaimie.

jj2

She’s sassy, too.

Except I hope she’s trademarked her sass.

Or at least the Sassy Supremes logo on her biz cards.

For some reason they filmed all her confessionals in what looked like some kind of set for a high school production of Grease.  Not sure what that was all about since Cambrie was shot in about 14 different locations with 14 different cocktails.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who noticed that.

Here’s Cambrie staying hydrated in a Crate & Barrel showroom.

clI love her even more now.

Freshen my drink, Jeeves, or I’ll see you in Cambrie’s Court.

As part of the 2.0 Upgrade, there’s more of a focus on rival pageant coaches, which was demonstrated through one of those CNN Election Center split screens.

ss107Oh, yeah.  It’s on.

The first little nugget we met was 4 year old Kallyn and her Mom Megan, who was spread out like it was her day job on one of those giant couches that looked like it should come with a built-in cup holder.

Look at her.

megAnd then look at her again.

legsIs she wearing one of those bow ties that squirt water?

Needless to say, I immediately fell in love with her.

tumblr_m7wjveEFz71r4ghkoo1_400Disclaimer for those of you who’ve never had the pleasure of this blog:  Relax.

It’s all in fun.  I love every single Kid and Mom that’s ever been on this show.  Nothing is ever done to be mean.  It’s called Reality TV for a reason.

Just ask Paisley‘s Mom.  Who I probably traumatized more than any other Mom.

tumblr_m7iv3nTkHA1rsqezg

Q. What ever happened to them, anyway?

They were supposed to meet me at P.F. Chang’s like 4 years ago.

They probably gave away our table by now.

Anyway.

Kallyn had on the best ‘Hot Mess’ shirt evah, accessorized with these giant gold pearls that were big enough to keep her afloat should she ever fall overboard.

Look at my dab.

dab

81eb2548668087cd277add7939ac469eUnfortunately, they couldn’t protect her from the hazards of that whatchamacallit playground thing that spins you around until you puke.

Because Puke Happened.

Luckily, it happened before Jaimie showed up with about 20 feet of garden hose looking like she was there to clean the pool.  Look at her.

poolTurns out it was a mobile spray tan machine.  My bad.

Because it wouldn’t be Toddlers & Tiaras without somebody getting a couple coats of Krylon in the kitchen, right?

Side note:  Anyone else notice that as soon as Mom jumped off the couch to greet Jaimie, some man took over her spot like one of those Grammy Award seat fillers?  I’m gonna assume that it was Kallyn’s Dad in the pink shirt, because Real Pageant Men Wear Pink.

Side note #2:  One of my all-time favorite parts of this show has always been the random assortment of nameless children and pets that appear and disappear at whim in the background as the plot thickens.  Check out this shot where there’s so much going on that I had to pause the Xfinity box to take it all in.

scene

You got a dog thinking there’s Milk-Bones in the pool pack, about to get konked in the head.  You got Kallyn’s Jazzercise headband and Joan Collins necklace.  You got Jaimie losing her grip on the oxygen hose about to konk the previously mentioned dog in the head.  And there’s even some other kid way back there in the West Wing holding up a baby like they’re performing the opening song from The Lion King.  What is that even all about?

And how does that even happen in Real Life?

Side note #3:  Jaimie charges $55 an hour to carry around all crap.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxj

I’m in the wrong biz.

Either before or after getting her extensions clipped in for a test-drive (…I forget…) Kallyn got her tongue spray tanned and then Mom rattled off all the recent pageant goodness that totaled up to approximately $2,500 in America dollars.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjI’m seriously in the wrong biz.

The second contestant we met was 3 year old Selyse and her Mom Kim.

Here she is from an upcoming episode of TLC‘s new show Pageant Baby Hoarders:

waldoCan you even find her?  She’s so cute you really need to make the effort.

It’s like the best Where’s Waldo? ever.

Selyse was Kim’s Surprise Birth Control Baby, which I’m assuming meant that she either came as a Gift With Purchase down at Walgreen’s or the pills didn’t do what the doctor said they would do when he wrote the prescription.  Ouch.

Mom didn’t spend much time clarifying the talking points.

Most likely because she had a tooth ache.  Because she had a hole in her tooth.

Because she spent all her money on a tiny pageant dress that cost more than her wedding gown and now she was just going to have to wait until she blacked out from oral nerve damage since she couldn’t afford any Anbesol to take the edge off.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxj

Regardless, Selyse was born and she’s so cute you really need to try and find her again.

Oh, wait.  There she is.

w2I believe there were a total of 3 children running around the house, but it was hard to tell.

The one who I assume was the brother even dropped what I initially believed to be an ironing board on Selyse’s head, but it turned out to just be a bunch of PVC pipes shaped like an ironing board that were laying around the house.

Because, of course.

The third and final pageant hopeful this week was 4 year old Lilly and her Mom Amber.  And Grandma, who fell in the backyard mud bog/creek before we even learned her name.

Mom was In.  It.  To.  Win.  It.

To the point where she had already spent upwards of $45,00 in American dollars on pageant gear and dry-cleaning for Nana.  Really.  She said that.

Or most of that, anyway.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjAnd then Cambrie showed up wearing some kind of a cross between a Gladiator Vixen and a Forever 21 mannequin and that tie dye fabric they always use instead of dressing room doors in that store where everything is made out of hemp.

gl

Am I wrong?  I don’t think so.

Sometimes I swear Cam wears the same size as her clients.  But it’s ok.

Because she’s #Goals.

And she charges $175 for one class.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjCambrie was quick to point out that Jaimie only charges $50+.

But you won’t learn anything.

omggif_zps1bcdb557To burn off some of that snark, we next headed to Cambrie’s Bootcamp Class where everyone was dressed like the Dance Moms Minis.

minisExcept for Jayliana, who refused to wear a stupid gold lamé bow because her hair was looking so fresh.

bowwwShe totally got all like that lady from Bring It!

tumblr_nu0cuxxFiG1tb8iyko1_500Until her Mom scooted her out screaming “I’m Done!” like it really WAS Dance Moms.

tumblr_o0i686Dra91tb8iyko1_500Side note:  Before leaving, Mom made Jayliana recite the 3 things you need in Pageantry:

Smartness.  Beautiful.  And Talent.

Which were so awesomely grammatically nonsensical that if TLC doesn’t give JayBae her own show next year I’m creating a page on Kickstarter.

Somewhere around here was also when Jaimie sent all her little girls to the mall to loiter and perform for random strangers, which sounds way worse than it actually was.

She wanted them to get over their stage fright by physically blocking everyone trying to get into Subway.  And it worked.

Until Selyse didn’t know her routine and got called out in front of everyone, which made Mom lose her nutty right there in front of Radio Shack.

Look at her blocking that total stranger from entering the store.

mall

 Is that even legal?  No wonder they’re going out of business.

With only a day or so to go before the pageant, there was just enough time for Cambrie to invite her BFF Dallas Lovato to come down and show these little peanuts how to be a STAR.  Because that’s what she does.

A few highlights from the visit:

Cambrie made Dallas wear a bow, too.  I don’t care who you are.

dl

Dallas wore a stupid bow, came all the way down from wherever to help out and this was the best scroll the production company could come up with.  Look at her face.

dl2Lilly gave an Emmy worthy performance as a Happy Monkey.

hmAnd then her Mom had a Moment.

oprah-cryingJust.  So.  Proud.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time for my Boo Tonya Bailey to get this whole jungle-themed Bailey’s Pageant extravaganza started.  The Bailey Bunch is in da house!

You remember Tonya.  She did this once for some reason…

tumblr_lxwljjsatX1qb9pa3o1_500-1And even wore a Swarovski encrusted pirate eye patch one time that was way cooler than the one Bob Costas wore when he got Pink Eye during the Olympics.

costas-eye-patch

With the new 2.0 Upgrade, we got a zillion snippets of performances before the show even started (…which was kind of a Brain F*** to be honest…) but it gave Tonya time to lay down some of the rules and regs and to tell these new Pageant Moms to chillax.

tbFrom the Book of Tonya:

“You paid for someone else’s opinion.”

tb2

“If you don’t have the funds, you might wanna find another hobby.”

tb3

“I’m not going bug eyed, am I?”

tb4No, of course not.

clockwork-orangeWell…maybe just a little.

And Todd was back as emcee!!

Dat’s rite, ladies.  Dolla Dolla Bill, yo.

Tonya’s Boy Toy was back and more jacked up than ever, complete with an inflatable monkey tail that was a little distracting given that there were so many kids in the room.

toddI love Todd, too, in that awkward bromance kind of way.  And…yes…technically I suppose he’s probably more of a husband than a Boy Toy, but this recap is already running way too long for me to keep rehashing the whole Season 6 frosted tips situation…

But that was then.  This is now.

Now Todd’s rocking that buzz cut fade on the side with long hair on the top thing that everyone from Jersey keeps posting on their Instagrams.  You go, boyeeeeee.

Less Boy Band, more guy handing out free Quest Bars at GNC.

Todd 2.0.

Needless to say, it wouldn’t be an episode of T & T if there wasn’t some hotel room pregame panic.  And this time it belonged to Selyse, who was dragging a** until Mom pumped some hi-grade Mega Ultimate Supreme Red Bull into her tank.

And it worked.

One Sip.  Ding.

rbTwo Sips.  Ding Ding.

rb2Three Sips.  Ding Ding Ding.

tb4Look at her in her Snuggie.

rb3

Selyse is literally every girl who ever got dumped in college right after getting her hair did.

Unfortunately, the Red Bull didn’t speed up the car enough, because Selyse missed the entire Beauty portion of the pageant.  Like…didn’t even make it up on stage.

Which made Mom do this…

oh2And then this…

ohAnd then it was over.

Really.

That fast.  Over.

Before we even saw anybody do anything on stage.  What?

Nobody said this was gonna be a 2 parter.

I guess that means we gotta do it again next week to see what happens.

Which is fine by me.

Toddlers is back.

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Dance Moms: A Toast To The ALDC! Drink All That Kool-Aid And Fix Those Feet…It’s The Abby Lee Horror Story.

Wednesday, March 9th, 2016

bom

 

 

I know, right? It’s 3 o’clock and they’re still not dressed yet. Being a grownup looks awesome.

 

 

kpt

 

 

It didn’t get creepy until I caught her in my room, braiding her hair and wearing all my new clothes.

 

 

j

 

 

As long as you’re living in my house and under my roof, these are my rules…and my pajamas.

 

 

fcdtrsulo0fjq7fazmz9

 

 

Hold up, ladies. I thought we were going out drinking. Why is everyone still in their PJs?

 

pj2

 

 

 

This is way better than wearing a bra. Raise your hand if you think every day should be PJ Day!

 

 

hc

 

 

I can’t believe that not one of these heifers could tell me I left the house with curlers in my hair.

 

 

chips

 

 

 

I don’t know what’s in these chips, but they’re making me thirsty. I could sure use some Kool-Aid.

 

 

Thirsty?

Well, here you go.

I made you a special Dance Moms cocktail.

UYD9vfxJust drink it and don’t ask any questions.

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It’s awesome, right?koolkid

Oh, yeah.  That’s the good stuff.

Hold on to your glass, tho, cuz you’re definitely gonna need a few more rounds before we finish up with this recap.  If it ever gets started, that is.

Yup.  It was sloooow going when we first hit the ALDC LA this week.  Really slow.

As in:  The place was deserted.

No Moms.  No Abby.  No nuthin.

Just the ALDC kids, who were not allowed to be on camera without their Moms but were somehow, under California law, still old enough to drive themselves to an abandoned dance studio where they were quickly scooted into a secret room to do their homework.

How does that even work?

There was also my favorite sub-titled producer running around off-camera looking for their Moms as well a Sound Engineer who talked exactly like Crocodile Dundee and this guy in Converse All-Stars who asked that his face be blurred out for some legal reason.

c1

Oh.  And this guy on his phone.  And that other guy in winter clothes.

coatBecause it’s California.  And it’s 95 degrees out.  And everyone else is wearing shorts.

Except for that one random guy walking around in a winter coat, scarf and beanie, carrying a role of blue duct tape like he was gonna secure someone’s mouth shut and then throw them in the trunk of that white car that had been idling outside the front door since the show started.  What is even happening right now?

No wonder the guy with the glasses was calling the cops.

Kidding.  I don’t really know if it was 95 degrees that day.

So no Moms.  Just kids.  And Ashlee, who arrived with Brynn (…on time, thank you…) and immediately (…allegedly…) began plotting how to use the lack of adult supervision to her benefit.  Hmmmm.  Lemme think now…

ash2

Eventually, Abby emerged from that whacky back room storage room dorm room thingamajig and asked what wassup.

Abby:  What’s happening?

Ashlee:  I just don’t have no clue.

Brynn:

51E0EYT3XPL-1

That kid is a hoot.

Since now there wasn’t not nobody else in the building…

Grammar-tips-double-negatives

…Abby had no choice but to start the party with the few and the proud.

Beginning with the solo assignments.

This week, the gang (…hopefully…) would be headed to New York Dance Experience in San Jose, where all the dances were going to be dark and ominous, including 3 solos based on famous deaths.  Like Brynn’s Black Dahlia routine, for example, which kinda sorta freaked her out once Gianna arrived and pulled up some bloody photos from her Instagram feed.

Time to dial down the Cute?  As if.

b2

As Gia and Brynn got down to rehearsing, the other Moms finally showed up.

In.  Their.  Pajamas.

You heard me.  Pajamas.

And they made this big grand entrance from the parking lot trying to be all like…

giphyAnd…

tumblr_lvz3yupeoi1qg3qx4But it was really more like…yo.  Sup?

pj1Gah.  I love this show.

The Goal:  To show how the Moms were sick and tired of Abby arriving late, eating and slobbing her way around the studio with no apparent sense of urgency or desire or ambition.  Four can play this game, thank you.

The Result:  A prank that may have backfired.  Mom Strike 2.0, as it were.

The whole thing escalated quickly, with my MomCrush Jill, who had all this going on for some reason…

tumblr_ml86y3IEQa1rdzuduo1_400…blaming Ashlee for not giving the ok for the girls to start dancing before they arrived.

She knew they woulda shoulda coulda danced, so she shoulda coulda woulda blah blah blah.  Swear.  Swear.  Bitch.  Pillow Fight.

Worst.  Sleepover.  Ever.

Honestly, it might be time to revisit the name tags suggestion again, because I don’t even know who is in charge of whose kid anymore.  Especially if they’re gonna start bringing back all those Minis they showed in the new preview.

But Ashlee hadn’t been told about the prank in advance, so she didn’t realize that she was the designated babysitter.  So she didn’t do anything.  At all.  Which escalated the whole thing to a whole other level.

Side note:  Holly made this #HollyFace a lot this week.  A lot.

hSometimes it was even done really close up for dramatic effect.

hfAnd look at Jessalynn‘s hair.  She legit just got out of bed.

pj3I heart these Moms too much.

And Melissa, too.  Look at her trying to pass off that DKNY blouse as pajamas.

melNice try.  I saw her wearing the same thing out to dinner last week with a chunky necklace.

Anyway.

Before the sun set, they figured they should probably get to the Pyramid of Shame.

But at warp speed, because this whole pajama party thing had really cut into their productivity today.

Bottom Row:  Kalani, Kendall, Nia and Mackenzie.  Done.

Middle Row:  JoJo and Brynn, which left Maddie on the top.  And she was totally ok with that.  Did you hear her?  Hilarious.

m

The second solo of the week would be Maddie’s ‘Lizzie Borden’ chopfest, which got her all excited for some reason.  And the third dance went to Kendall, who would (…allegedly or not…) get thrown overboard as ‘Natalie Wood.’

Side note:  Did I miss the Hair Braid Memo this week?

b1

Because Brynn had scored a few extra hours of private choreography, Jill was already on edge and immediately assumed that her daughter would get sub-par choreography, costuming, music, lighting, makeup, attention, salary and dental benefits simply because she carried Vertes DNA in her system.

Needless to say, Abby accused her of playing the Victim.  Just like…umm, I dunno…maybe a tall blonde she used to know but wouldn’t refer to by name.

Wait.  What?

tumblr_mz3q3sOoJ21ql5yr7o1_500

We love that tall lady.  And miss her so much.

Come visit, why don’t you?  There’s always plenty of parking in the front of the building.

And bring your friend there.  I bet she’d love me and my Dance Moms cocktails.

tumblr_mcd55woemI1ql5yr7o1_400Or not, maybe.

This week’s group routine would be equally as dark and ominous as the solos and was going to require the girls perform a cult-themed dance.

A Cult?

tumblr_inline_nyuts4lOfi1t4mrav_500Drink the Kool-Aid, kids.

Let’s Be Real Dept.:  I don’t think this thing is gonna be much of a stretch for anybody.

You know it.  They know it.  And they even said it out loud.

Putting the Cult in ALD…C.

The next day, everyone managed to get themselves dressed like big girls and headed back to the studio for some more bickering.  Holly still had the same #HollyFace, but in nicer clothes.

Mama didn’t fall for that pajama thing yesterday and she wasn’t falling for it today.

Jill and Ashlee went another 17 rounds, but all that really mattered was that Jill took out those freakin’ Pippi Longstocking braids and the she promises to never do that again.

Ever.  And I mean it.

Truth:  That’s not the finger she wants to give me right now, BTW.

jf

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time to climb down into the bowels of whatever building was hosting this shindig, because somebody forgot to get proper permits for the elevators and it was staircase-only today, people.  Watch your step, please.

0b492314fe7203cc3739c9d0a0bc360597c7b214

Full disclosure:  There were no sharks in the stairway, but watching the Moms lug all their dance shizzz down 27 flights in heels was almost as treacherous and funny.

Needless to say, Abby Lee Miller doesn’t do stairs, so she sat in the lobby playing Candy Crush for most of the remainder of the episode.  F’real.

Which meant that all those poor Moms had to schlep everything down the stairs and then send their kids back up and down again about 100 times to double check their makeup and moves with Abby throughout the competition.

Like Brynn’s makeup, for instance.  Holy Whoa, Batman.

bdgiphy-1And Maddie’s.

axetumblr_mz5jexLtkR1t0demio1_500And KK, of course.kn1tumblr_noh2foZRLD1r8jjn6o1_500You get the idea.

The girls were ready to go.

But can we talk about all this goodness for a minute?

hqdefaulttumblr_n5hcm3Cd9y1qlvwnco1_500Because Rachelle “Sas” Rak was back on the stage, hosting this whole hot mess!

I know you remember Rachelle from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.

She was the judge on AUDC who wouldn’t sit still in her chair and kept jumping up on the table, telling all these 9 year old girls to bite the apple and never go on a Six Flags waterslide without pretending you’re the lead in Flashdance.

We LOVE Rachelle.

And remember how Richy Jackson used to always be like ‘Gurl Pleez, Sit Yo’ A** Down.’

Abbys-Ultimate-Dance-Competition-Richy-whatThose were good times.

And now she was back, because NYDE is the competition where you get your critiques LIVE on stage and get to stand next to Rachelle Rak while she shimmys and bites stuff. mrYes, please.

Brynn’s solo was great.  The judges just told her to work on her acting.

I swear Kendall wore the same leotard that Maddie wore last week, but I could be wrong.

Regardless, she did great, but got called out for her acting chops again.  Tell the story!

And Maddie got a hug from Rachelle.  So there was that.

mcl

Backstage before the group routine, it became clear that Mackenzie didn’t know what a Cult was, even though she’s technically been in one since the day she was born.

I guess that’s how they get ya.  Straight outta the womb and into the studio.

And in all honesty, she just wanted something to wash down all those chips.  I love how she is growing up into this pretty young lady but still maintaining that blissful innocence.

You keep that, Boo.  You just keep that.

The group routine was off the chain.  The makeup was on point (…especially Nia Sioux for some reason…) and they nailed the choreography, which is probably why that one judge was all like ‘Whhhhaaaa was that?’ before giving them First Place in the group category.

No lie.  Her little Asia Monet Ray bun almost popped right off her damn head.

jgBrynn and Kendall ended up both taking Second Place in their respective age categories, even though Ashlee was quick to point out that the actual numerical sumthin sumthin whatevah was higher on Brynn’s card.

Gah.  Relax, lady.  Just let them enjoy the moment.

And of course, Maddie took First Place.  Because she’s Maddie.  And she’s back.

And then it was pretty much over for the week, except for a sudden rip in the Time Space Continuum that shot everyone into some odd Alternate Reality where all the Moms got along and liked each other and Ashlee burst into the lobby with Kool-Aid for everyone.

kool-aid-oJust like that.

Because that’s not creepy at all.

And then it was really over, I swear.

A toast to the ALDC!

Drink it up, kids.  Drink it all up.

There’s plenty more where that came from, don’t you worry.

Cheers.st


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