OhMyGod. Babe. If you don’t stop your bitching, I swear I’ll strap both of you in your car seats and hide your Binky.
OhMyGod. There’s literally nothing else in this bag? You go all the way to Paris and come back with a F***ing candy bar?
OhMyGod. Put me down. Put me down. Put me down. Those sparkly stilettos are calling my name.
OhMyGod. I can’t decide. Don’t make me choose. I literally just pooped again.
OhMyGod. Animal Crackers? You got thigh highs and I got Animal Crackers? That is messed up.
OhMyGod. I’ll have you know that the Beanie Head is literally all the rage in a number of Third World Countries.
OhMyGod. I can’t.
With apologies to George and Weezy Jefferson, of course…
OhMyGod. It literally took a whole of Styling, just to get up that hill.
The Rachel Zoe Project went bi-coastal this week as RZ and Rodger jumped between California and New York, juggling business, real estate and a baby that looked like one of those Irish cable knit Lenox Christmas ornaments you always see in the back of TV Guide around the holidays.
That’s right. It was The Muppet (Hair) Takes Manhattan.
Rachel felt that in order to properly build the ZOEmpire, it was crucial they find an apartment in New York City, asap. Doing so would not only allow them to be closer to business partners and Garment District vendors in the event that any potentially catastrophic poly vs. rayon fashion emergency requires immediate attention, but it would also let Rachel wear coats. And coats are everything.
Layers. And layers. And coats. And scarfs. And chunky hats and more coats.
But before they actually hit the East Coast, Rodger had time for one more bromance brunch date with BFF Neil, where I’m going to assume they both turned in their ManCards along with a 20% gratuity.
Dude. And Dude. You’re killing me.
OhMyGod. Neil loved Rodger’s new uncontrollable, unexplainable hairstyle almost as much as he loved the Bloody Mary he was slamming down. Rodger was pretty certain that he, too, loved his locks almost as much as he loved delicately sipping his own Bloody Mary through a straw like a Real Housewife the day after lip injections.
When Rachel called…twice…in the middle of the meal for no apparent reason, Rodger even put her on speakerphone and talked into the butt end like he was NeNe Leakes on the Atlanta Freeway. She’s very rich, you know.
But he didn’t have time to chat. He and Neil were “…having a Little Lunchy Lunch.”
Yeah. A Little Lunchy Lunch. Isn’t that the name of a famous children’s book or code for something at an S&M Club? It sounds familiar, but I forget.
Oh, Bravo TV. How we love you.
Back at the RZ Mothership, Mandana and Collection Manager Lauren were getting positively giddy about Footwear Review Day. Even though banks are open on Footwear Review Day and the Postal Service still delivers mail, it’s a pretty big deal.
No better day, actually, if you listen to Lauren.
That’s because it’s the day when everyone gets together in a football huddle and looks at all the prototype shoes for next season. A veritable orgy of size 7 shoes.
And since Marisa, RZ’s Director of Brand Partnership, has a title that’s bigger than her actual foot size, she’s the lucky one who gets to wear all the new stuff and wobble around the room like she is channeling Tyra Banks.
All the Sasquatch size 10 chicks were totz jealz.
Side note: A prerequisite for working with Rachel appears to be the ability to hold both a grandé Starbucks cup and your iPhone in the same hand at the same time and still be able to direct traffic with your pinky finger. Check out Mandana. And pretty much everyone else in the building.
Trust me, I’ve tried, and lost many an iPhone case in a mud puddle. It’s almost an art form. Or Mandana has gigantic monkey paws.
Or both. Regardless, I’m impressed.
After a few rather verbal ShoeGasms, Rachel took the Walk of Shame home for a quick breather surrounded by a few of Little Goy Sky Sky‘s toy cars.
We’re not talking Tonka. We’re talking those baby-sized, life-sized battery operated cars from the Neiman Marcus catalog. The ones that rich babies drive until they get their learner’s permits or their own town car chauffeur.
In typical baby fashion, the only thing that Sky Sky was really interested in was the UPS box they came in, so while he decorated his cardboard fort with Burberry accessories, the cars sat around the back wall all lined up like Jay Leno‘s garage.
A few of them had never actually even held a battery charge, while others were missing a few bolts or simply didn’t coordinate well with Sky’s new Spring color palette.
When Rodger tried to explain to Rachel that a bolt was a “screwy thing” I flashed back to the whole Lunchy Lunch fiasco and stopped paying attention until we were back to Mandana’s office. Man up, dude.
During Paris Fashion Week while Rachel and Rodger were trekking from show to show and air kissing their way through The City of Love, Mandana was back home holding down the fort. And Rodger felt bad, so he dropped by the office the next morning to give her a heartfelt Parisian gift and a big AttaBoy pat on the head.
After nearly slandering the entire Persian race by explaining that all their elephant furniture is covered with crazy old lady plastic and wine stains, Mandana offered Rodger a non-Persian seat and snatched the gift bag out of his hand so fast he got a paper cut.
Oh, look. A chocolate Eiffel Tower.
And nothing else. But it’s the thought that counts, right?
But, what the hell. It’s food. So in came Lauren and the two women ripped into that thing like they had just gotten out of prison.
Until the next shot, that is, when it was still all wrapped up in cellophane again.
Untouched and unchewed.
Seriously. Does Bravo TV even have a Continuity Editor on their payroll? Call me.
Next we scooted off to the QVC Studio Park Tour. Or the Nordstrom Meet & Greet at the RZ offices. It was hard to differentiate as a pack of camera wielding contest winners stampeded in, all wearing their new OhMyGod I’m Going To Meet Rachel Zoe clothes.
A special shout out to that one Soccer Mom who had obviously set her Canon on auto and was cranking off digital photos like she was Annie Leibovitz. Strap a fanny pack around that thing and it was like she was seeing the Pyramids of Egypt for the first time.
When Rachel finally walked into the room…yes, they both died a little.
They didn’t show it on camera, but I’ll bet you anything those people were frisked like criminals on their way out because some of them were getting just a little too close to that jewelry case, except for that one mopey, ascot-wearing guy who apparently didn’t get the memo that Brad Goreski had his own show now.
Bummer, dude. Sorry.
With their plane tickets booked and hotel reservations confirmed, there was just time for one more West Coast meeting before Rachel and Rodger headed east.
The New York DreamDry Blow Dry Bar construction was running behind schedule, so partner Robin had flown out to get everyone up to speed on the lack of progress. You know it’s a lack of progress when the partner says that the project is moving forward and will be done sooner than later. And don’t wear black when you get there.
After talking Rachel off the ledge by letting her know that leopard print would be an acceptable alternative and that no one had actually ever died from going one afternoon without their black Chanel swing coat, Robin left for New York to start laying some steel framework and sheet rock before she got served with legal papers dissolving the business arrangement.
Then it was time to hit The Big Apple!
As soon as they landed and hopped in the limo, Rodger was exhausted. He always gets tired in NYC. It just happens.
Rachel was probably tired as well, but she was running on Coat Adrenaline, so she was good for at least a few more hours of shopping and bickering about apartments.
Little Sky Sky was all dressed up in what I originally thought was a defective cable knit sweater with four sleeves until I figured out it was a onesie. Crawling all around with that little matching cable knit beanie of his, the kid totally looked like one of those Serta mattress lambs from the commercials. Check your DVR and tell me I’m not lying.
The first stop on the tour was the new Brian Atwood shoe store.
Uncle Brian. And some unnamed dude in a hat and scarf combo that was so fabulously Fashionista Cowgirl that I almost blacked out.
Brian and Rachel go way back, so after a few hugs and air kisses and blah blah blah, they got right down to the good stuff.
Shoes. A lot of them.
Even Sky Sky was getting a little excited by all the high heel goodness. I think it’s a pretty safe bet to say that at least one person in that building wet themselves when those thigh high platform boots came out of the box for the first time. Schhaaa-wing.
When it was all said and done, Rachel scored some sweet footwear, Rodger got even sleepier and Sky Sky got some snacks for the ride home. Who knew that Brian Atwood had Animal Crackers in the back room? I guess he’s all fancy like that.
Then it was on to DreamDry. Or what would eventually be DreamDry if construction was ever completed and Hell froze over.
Sooner than later, right Robin?
There was one sample chair and one sample sink available for inspection amidst all the bare bones of the building. Rodger tried to pump up the chair with his foot like they do on Tabatha Takes Over, but he was such a klutz that Rachel just boinged up and down like she was on a Jiffy Lube lift. It totally messed her new bangs up.
For some comic relief Robin even pretended to offer Rodger a complimentary shampoo and keratin conditioning until she realized that it meant she would actually have to put her hands on his hair.
Like touching a holy veil, I tell you. Or a clogged bath tub drain.
Go back and watch Robin rethink her decision right as she’s about to put imaginary shampoo on his imaginary wet head. I will bet you my imaginary salary that the video is being shown at some Bravo holiday party this year.
It’s good to know that regardless of how prestigious the company is…if the Boss is gone, the employees will F*** off. I’m glad it’s not just me.
Back at the RZ Complex, the girls were sitting on their desks, chowing down on the Eiffel Tower, having office chair races down the hallway and laying on fur rugs like they were chicks in a G-rated Girls Gone Wild video. They were tired, too. Screwing off at work is exhausting.
We finished off the episode with two trips to two potential New York City apartments that I could have done without.
Just so you know, I have a rule that nobody should be able to live anywhere that’s nicer than my tiny one bedroom apartment. It’s just a rule I have.
Needless to say, by the time R & R made it to the second apartment and complained about having to walk all the way through 3,750 square feet of open space in order to get to 4,000 square feet of outdoor space, I pretty much didn’t want to hear about how tired they were anymore.
And I didn’t want to hear about the 7 closets. Or Sky Sky’s fur collar muff.
Ok…maybe I could go on for hours about that last one.
Seriously? A fur collar muff for a kid who still doesn’t even know you’re not supposed to poop inside your own pants? I just can’t.
But all that shopping and being driven around by someone else had really worn everyone out, so they all went back to their posh hotel to have an Animal Cracker nightcap and make fun of Rodger’s Beanie Head Hair.
Literally, the Beaniest of Beanie Head Hair.
It was maj.
But not as maj as Manhattan.