DanThat'sCool!

You know the drill by now.

Tease it and Tan it.  Spray it and Sparkle it.

Then Werk it, Girl.

Toddlers & Tiaras is back.

Put on your protective Glitter Goggles, because everyone’s favorite guilty pleasure is about to walk its pretty feet right back onto your television screens.

And Season 6 looks to be just as blindingly sparkly as the last five, with loads of your favorites teaming up with a whole new batch of cray cray.

But there’s not much time to prepare yourself, emotionally or otherwise.  You only have until Wednesday, June 5 to stock up on Mountain Dew, Pixie-Stix and Twizzlers.

Then it’s Go Time.

So while you’re busy stocking the fridge and canceling all your other Wednesday plans for the Summer, celebrate the highly anticipated return with a quick visual flashback to some of our favorite, most outrageous moments from years past.

You can thank me, and blow me finger kisses, later.

For now, just enjoy.  And sparkle, baby.

 

 

No Oompa Loompas allowed. Just lots of clowns. Lots and lots of scary clowns. And some candy.

 

 

 

 

 

I know that little girl did not just show up with big a** frizzy hair on my watch.

 

 

 

 

 

Would it have killed them to pick me up a mocha grandé turbo blast? They could have called my cell.

 

 

 

 

Ok, baby. You can wear Daddy’s crown for the picture, but then you have to give it right back.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh. Hell. No. Miss Thing did not just stand there in that weave and call me out for my frizz.

 

 

 

 

This is literally the 5th pair of fancy sunglasses that I’ve lost. I swear that Coach Nikki bitch is putting ‘em on ebay.

 

 

 

If you’re scared of clowns, this one probably ain’t for you.

And if you’re scared of clowns and glitz pageants…then you’ll most definitely have a seizure, because this week Toddlers & Tiaras bought out an entire block of seats under the tent and took us all to the Big Top, whether we wanted to go or not.

The International Fresh Faces Big Top that is, complete with lion tamers, low flying acrobatic gymnasts, a stage backdrop that looked like it had been folded up in a storage unit since last year’s competition season and a fake Britney Spears.

And it was like Britney always says.

When I crack that whip, everybody gon’ trip just like a circus.

Ringmaster Angie Pearson explained how it all worked when it came to this intricately themed full glitz extravaganza, in case there was anyone out there in the Free World who was not familiar with the term circus.

Ironically enough, the only Rule was that there were no Rules and all the contestants were encouraged to “Think outside the box.” 

I hate to break it to you, honey, but I’m pretty sure that Toddlers & Tiaras lost the lid for that container a long time ago, so thinking outside of it shouldn’t be an issue for anyone involved.

Angie (…I’m calling her Blonde Ang, just so nobody confuses her with Big Ang from that other circus show…) was nice enough, but once again not as looney tunes as I prefer my Pageant Directors.  She reminded me of the grown-up version of some ’80s sitcom kid, but I couldn’t put my finger on exactly who.  Maybe even ’70s.  I’m thinking Brady Bunch or one of those TV Land people.

But she was into it, and that is the most important prerequisite for a Director, next to being full-on cray cray.  Plus, she was all for spraying and painting and decorating you kid to their maximum glitz potential, as long as they didn’t cross that delicate line into Oompa Loompa territory.

Perfect.

The first potential princess we met was 22 month old Oliviana and her Mom Delia.

As you already know, each week at least one person per episode is contractually required to have either an outrageously tweaked  spelling of their first name or some Klingon-esque pronunciation that no one outside of their immediate family would ever stand a chance of knowing.

TLC makes them sign something.

For some reason I kind of expected two “N’s” in Olly’s name, but this time around it was Mom who snuck one in on us.  Even though she spelled her name like it should rhyme with Ophelia, Mom had to go and make us learn how to say Duh-LEE-ya.

Not DEE-leeya.

I swear.  Sometimes this show is just too much work after a hard day.

Even though I’m not a big fan of micro-thin penciled-in eyebrows, Mom seemed really nice and friendly.  She smiled all the time and had really super excited eyeballs when it came to pageants.

She also liked to wear sunglasses on her head for extended periods of time inside a building, which drives me crazy, but Delia fully supported her kid and sometimes that’s more important than looking like you just wasted a half hour searching for your shades when they were on your noggin the whole time.  So she gets a pass.  This time.

But that support was nuthin’ compared to polo-wearing Pageant Dad Rob.

Dude was into it.  Big time.

When he wasn’t blending into that pink bedroom with the pink frilly curtains and pink pageant trophy wall, pink polo Dad was all about The Glitz.

But not in that creepy Wish I Could Fit In That Sparkly Cupcake Dress Myself kind of way that some previous Pageant Dads have aspired to…but more the I Want To Be King Of The Pageant World When I Grow Up kind of way.

He wanted to be a judge, a director and CEO of Rob’s International Pageant Emporium and Sparkle Bootcamp.  Because that’s all he thinks about all day.  For realz.

Ok.  Maybe it was a little creepy.  But not much.  Plus he had one of those odd scruffy half-beards that you always see on Bowling Night, and those things can suck all the flamboyance out of anyone’s potentially fabulous demeanor.

So put your taser down.  He’s cool.

Our second little contestant was 6 year old Katlyn and Mom Renee.

Katlyn liked to get her way.  Or else.  And Mom usually let her get it, because the alternative meltdown was just not worth the spike in blood pressure or cholesterol levels.

Mom reminded me of those women who lay on the beach all day and then waitress all night at touristy restaurants.  She seemed kind of tanned up and shiny, and had hair that never seemed to dry.  And that’s what those waitresses always looked like after chilling with their boyfriend lifeguards all day, so that’s why I said it.  And you know exactly what I’m talking about.

I liked Renee.  She was hard core PM (…Pageant Mom.  Der…) but not to the point of being committed to some asylum for her own safety.  She just expected perfection, and was honest enough to say that her kid was rotten, which took the pressure off of me from having to say it and then get blasted in the chat rooms.

I mentioned Katlyn liked to get her way, right?  Don’t forget it.  Or else.

The last little nugget was 4 year old Alivia (…not Olivia, because that would have been too easy…) and her Mom Lauren.

Alivia had enjoyed the Terrible Twos so much that she decided to continue functioning in that terrorizing mindset for as long as possible.  She was a real cutie pie, but don’t look at her or talk to her or breath the same air as her unless you get her permission.

She liked to boss Mom around.

Except for an unhealthy obsession with glitter eye shadow and that Jergens face moisturizer that sparkles (…Spoiler Alert: Just wait until you see her reflect the camera lights on Pageant Day…) Mom gets the thumbs up from me.  She was even rocking some “Alivia” ink on her right arm, which made her look like one of those pretty girls who could neuter a guy with one hand if he tried to harass her at a karaoke bar.

She’s edgy, and we like edgy.  You could just tell she knows how to throw down without spilling her drink.

And speaking of throwing down.  Bite sized Oliviana hit the mixed martial arts studio to learn how to pinch a neck artery and finger kiss a table of judges at the same time.

Mom and Dad and Mom’s sunglasses brought Olly to Ultimate Fitness so two bald guys in Under Armor gear could suspend her upside down and body slam her on the mat, all in the name of stability and confidence building.  Trust me…next year when she can stand on her own and jump from the ropes like they do on Pay-per-View, Oliviana is going home with the big trophy or break someone’s nose trying.

But only after she gets her French tips done, of course.

Not to be outdone, Alivia hit up the Island Day Spa for a spray tan.  I’ll never quite understand why tan girls feel the need to spend the money on airbrushing procedures that don’t send them home any darker than when they first walked in the door, but they do it all the time.  I just don’t get it.

But she had fun, and got to make some goofy faces that looked like she was sinking to the bottom of the ocean in a Warner Bros cartoon, so all in all it was a good day.

Next, since TLC apparently kept the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo subtitle guy on permanent retainer, we got to meet Katlyn’s Grandpa Freddie as he showed off the animal cage he had created for Circus Wear.

Obviously, Grandpa had no idea what Circus Wear was.  Or what Katlyn was going to be doing in that cage during her “little play.”  Or why there was even a camera crew in the driveway.  But at least we could understand Freddie’s confusion, because they crawled all his lines across the bottom of the screen just in case anyone out there in the viewing public was unfamiliar with the English language.

Freddie smiled a big smirky smile, Katlyn had another meltdown on a bench and Mom regretted quiting her night job at the Beach Comber.  Ya’ll come back now.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Blonde Ang was all excited, and had apparently spent so much time choosing her multitude of outfit changes that she hadn’t had time to iron the backdrop, because that thing was seriously creased.  Like when you first pull your Thanksgiving tablecloth out of the bottom drawer after a year creased.  Or vacuum salesmen’s pants when they forget their travel steamer at home and don’t have time to let them hang on the hotel shower rod.  That kind of creased.

It was bad.

Oliviana woke up cranky pants.  Alivia woke up cranky pants.  Katlyn woke up feeling hateful towards her false eyelashes.  It was going to be one of those days.

After the usual hair and makeup dramzzz, the girls all (…pretty much…) made it to the stage for the Glitz portion.

Olly was almost late due to the mother of all hissy fits, but Dad and his polo got her there just in the nick of time.  She wasn’t really feeling it and Rob ended up doing more pouty faces and judge kissing than she did, but unfortunately a parent’s scores are not taken into consideration when the final tally is added up before crowning.

Alivia added “don’t take my picture” to the ever growing list of things you can’t do to her and worked the stage in some really tall hair.

Katlyn’s hair, on the other hand, was called out by one of the judges for being too frizzy.

I forget the judge’s name, but when you check your DVR she’s the one with the big crazy a** frizzy hair.

Yeah.  The irony of that moment was not lost on anybody.

When it came to Circus Wear, it was more of the same.  Only more circus-y.

(Is that even a word?)

Olly’s Ringmaster shoes didn’t fit, which again made me question why all these families spend next month’s mortgage on clothes that they don’t try on until it’s crunch time when they’re numerically lined up in a hotel ballroom.  I just don’t get it.  Again.

Luckily a friend of theirs just happened to be lurking around the lobby with a pair of infant pleather boots (…I always keep a spare in my fanny pack, don’t you?…) so Olly once again made it on stage just in time.

Second verse, same as the first.

After wobbling through Rob’s homemade circus arch, Oliviana basically stood there until Dad ripped off part of her costume.  Delia watched the whole thing from the audience, clutching one of those hard old lady candies between two fingers so she wouldn’t choke on it during the chaos.

The whole thing was a little surreal.  And I’m not really sure if tearing away Olly’s collar piece was pre-planned or not.  But regardless, it inspired her to keep on going and she started popping off her Ringmaster cuffs.

Yikes.  Luckily Dad finished his routine before it got anymore uncomfortably inappropriate.  Oliviana’s a serious patootie, but when you’re only 22 months old, chances are you’re going to act like you’re 22 months old when you hit the stage.

Alivia’s Britney Spears circus routine also started out with a festive arch entrance, but by the time she fought her way through the tangle of tinsel she was already out of steam.

Don’t get me wrong.  She made a great effort. But if you stay up until 1am the night before the competition, sometimes a girl just doesn’t have it in her to hula hoop and whip a stuffed lion with attitude.

Maybe she just needed some of Katlyn’s coffee, because after Mom Renee pumped 12 ounces of Starbucks Go-Go Juice into her daughter, Katy busted out of Grandpa’s cage like she was on Broadway.  The elevator muzac version of Rocky‘s Eye of The Tiger was a nice touch, too, as Mom busted out the dance that all the waitresses do at closing time.

Mama’s milkshake could definitely bring all the boys to the yard.  She had it going on.

Then some kids won some stuff.

All three girls scored trophies that ended in “sumthin sumthin–Supreme” so they were all excited.  Everyone did super neato this week, so I’d say the circus was a success.

Then it was time to knock down the tent and go to bed.

You’re right, Britney.  We be trippin’.

 

 

OMG. Why didn’t anyone tell me how hard it is to really converse in a conversational conversation that it’s like so hard.

 

 

 

 

Seriously. If Barbie doesn’t stop talking I’m gonna choke on my Fruit Roll-Up.

 

 

 

 

 

And then, when she’s asleep, I try and claw my way out the window like this without waking her.

 

 

 

 

Check it out. I scored enough cash for an Easy Bake Oven and a bus ticket outta here.

 

 

 

 

 

Wanna know a secret? I’m really a sweetie pie. But being a bitch gets you way more fruit snacks, suckahs.

 

 

 

 

Yeah. It’s me. Bring the gas money around back. I’ll be in the pink corvette. I got the snacks.

 

 

 

Hey, kids!  We’re going on a safari!

Fun, right?

Just a few reminders before we head out into the uncharted Ramada jungle.

Keep all arms and legs inside your Power Wheels Jeep.  Flash photographs are allowed, but please don’t agitate the animals with any unnecessary crazy a** waving or booty poppin’ in your Mom jeans.

Don’t ever try to drag the animals where they don’t want to go.  And whatever you do…do NOT feed them any more sugar.  Please.

If you follow all these safety guidelines, it should be a guaranteed good time.

Dare I say…maybe even Cheetah-licious.

That’s right.  Toddlers & Tiaras unleashed some major Jungle Love in our faces this week when they took us on a safari full of finger kissing wildlife, all in search of the elusive Cheetah Crown.

According to Director Jill Worley, the towering fake crystal crown with the towering fake crystal cheetah face in the middle would go to whatever 4 year old looked the most like a 20 year old by the end of the night.

No lie.  Her words, sorta.  Glitz means Glitz, people.  So start painting.

Jill was nice enough, but barely ticked the Crazy Pageant Director Dial, so I was just meh.  Sorry, but I need my directors to be In.  To.  It.

Our first cheetah hopeful was 2 year old Bella and her Mom Lana.

Bella was a handful.  She liked to say NO.  A lot.  And loudly.  Accompanied by screams and cries and some positively delightful hissy fits.

And she didn’t like pageants.  So naturally, she did pageants.

She was a patootie for sure, and looked like she could have been the laugh-a-minute secretary in some 1950′s sitcom.  You have to kind of squint, and picture her in black & white, but you’ll totally know what I mean.  I don’t know if it was the hair, or the forehead or what, but I felt like sending her out to Staples for supplies.

Miss Bella, can you come in here, please?  And bring your coloring book.

Mom started to say something about how Bella always did well in competitions because she was so poised and elegant, but I missed the end of the sentence when Bella started making fart noises into the camera.  This kid is really quirky cute.

When Lana first found out that she was expecting a girl, she had immediately begun looking for local pageants being held around her due date.

Her due date?  Like the date when you are giving birth?  Remind me to pick up some ice chips before that crowning.  Gross.

As Bella went out to make me some photocopies, we headed off to the town with the best name in the whole world.  Bald Knob.

You heard me.

There’s a place on a map somewhere called Bald Knob.

I can’t stop saying it.

Bald Knob is home to not only what I imagine has to be THE most HIGH-sterical Bald Knob souvenir tee shirts EVER, but also to Bald Knob residents 5 year old Emma Belle and her Mom Angela.

They live in Bald Knob.

Emma was another natural cutie who looked like a cross between one of those spunky kids who always tap danced in Little Rascals movies and Ryan Seacrest‘s girlfriend.

You can tell she is going to be gorgeeeeous when she grows up.  Heartbreaker.

She had bouncy blonde 1920′s curls and a smiley face that could have been permanently etched to her head by the Joker.  She was (…SPOILER alert: almost…) always happy.

Mom ticked up the Crazy Dial a little, so I immediately fell for her sparkly eye shadow and whatever that hat contraption thing was on her head during Emma’s outdoor photo shoot.

Lana had obviously become so enamored with Abby Lee Miller‘s pearlized makeup on Dance Moms that she ran right down to the Bald Knob Mall (…I just can’t…) and bought out the Bare Minerals counter.  By the time she had applied it both above and below her eyes, I knew she was destined for Reality TV greatness.

Seriously.  Mom could go jogging at night with that reflective headgear.  By the time we hit the pageant and she put on her Goldie Hawn Laugh-In dress, I was in love.

Potential Hall of Famer.

Then, kicking and screaming, we had to turn our back on Bald Knob for a few minutes to head down the highway and meet up with 21 month old Brooklyn and her verbally challenged Mom Amy.

I’m not sure what was going on here.

Mom was one of those pretty Barbie doll Moms you see out and about who seem to do better when they don’t try to talk so much at lunch.  You just stay cute, honey.

I’m sure she meant well, but every sentence basically ended the same way it started because she tended to ramble and repeat and forget to use punctuation.

It’s going to be a nice day out today if it doesn’t rain because it’s going to be a nice day out then otherwise.  Like that.  But about pageants.

Her husband Adam was a textbook example of what I like to call the What Have I Gotten Myself Into male, complete with dazed eyeballs and an empty wallet.  He felt that the whole thing was a waste of money.  Talk about shutting the bank door after the horses have already left for the pageant…or however that saying goes.

Because Amy’s job didn’t pay much, mainly due to the fact that it was a made-up one and she didn’t actually have a job and it’s going to be nice out today maybe if it doesn’t rain, Adam was in charge of paying whatever Amy said to pay for pageants.  

He had no idea what was going on.

Their scenes together must have been a sound tech’s nightmare as every sentence just kind of dribbled off into awkward silence while they stared at each other in disbelief.

This is my life?  If you play Adam’s nervous laugh backwards on a cassette deck, it actually sounds like he’s whispering “Help Me.”

As Amy explained it, Adam knew all kinds of words and it made her nervous because she wanted to make certain that she used actual words too, or something.  Because you need words to talk.  And words, and math, are hard sometimes.

Honestly, she made my left eye hurt.

Safari Wear was this week’s Outfit of Choice, and it was exactly what you would expect, but hooched up a little.

Emma’s silver outfit, complete with tear away skirt and provocative animal tail, didn’t really scream Jungle to me, but it’s not like I was mailed a score sheet or anything.

And I quote: “I get to rip off my dress.”

Let’s just get that out of our system now, sweetie, before all those Bald Knob University tuition bills start piling up.  Been there.  Done that.

Bella’s Monkey outfit came complete with what I originally thought was some kind of yellow medical tubing device or something attached to her chest, and for a minute I got really upset thinking that she might be ill.  But then it turned out to just be a banana phone stuck to her belly with velcro.

I know, right?  A banana that’s a phone.  Shut.  Up.

Bella was definitely a bigger fan of her Verizon Planet of the Apes outfit than she was of the spray tanning process as Mom tried to spritz her down with the same art store air brush they use to mist cheeks on Marie Osmond dolls.

Because Bella was terrified of the full size industrial Big Ang spray tanks, Lana had been relegated to using craft store air compression.  She’s only a foot tall, but it must take them all afternoon to get two coats of shellac on this kid.

Since Brooklyn was only 21 months old her pre-game prep wasn’t quite as elaborate as her fellow princesses, but getting her out of the house and into Grandpa’s RV for the trip to the pageant seemed like a lot of work.

It was going to be a family road trip which was almost cut short when Grandpa activated the automatic front door and nearly took her head off.  Luckily though, Dad had found another one of those unexplained random children that I love seeing in T&T scenes and was dangling a new baby upside down in one arm while juggling gigantic Target plastic tubs in the other.

So even if Grandpa had really knocked Brooklyn senseless, they had a  spare in the trunk.