Archive for the ‘Pop Culture’ Category

Dance Moms Mama Drama: Oh No She Din’t! Abby Lee Miller Just Quit! Here’s The Scoop…And Some Made Up Stuff.

Friday, March 31st, 2017

 

So, umm…yeah.

About that whole Dance Moms thing.

It started out as a pretty slow news day at the ALDCA, all things considered.

Until, well…you know.Bet you didn’t see that coming.
She did it.  Miss Abby did it.

Abby Lee Miller quit Dance Moms.I know, right?Take your time.

This whole thing pretty much caught everybody off guard.

Even (…SPOILER ALERT!…) this lady.It’s true.

After six years, seven seasons and however many days it all adds up to…Abby quit.

In full-on all up in yo’ face all over yo’ Instagram #AbbyStyle.

And on the weekend, too.  Just like the White House does all their stuff lately.

Trust me.  It was straight-up online Crazy Pants.

But to fully understand the impact of all these shenanigans, we need to start at the beginning.

Which was really the middle and kinda sorta the end.  With me so far?

The Dance Moms Dirt, yo.

Please do enjoy this recap of all the deets that have been made public up to this point.

There is plenty of Canton Jerky to gnaw on so far and anything we don’t know I’ll just make up to keep things flowing.  Because that’s how we do.

Word on the street is that the whole thing started to crumble when all the Moms regrouped to begin filming Season 7.5 or 7B (…which totally sounds like that upstairs apartment in a sitcom where the whacky neighbor lives…) or whatever it is they call the next bunch of episodes that haven’t aired yet.

Abby was MIA. Again.I mean, it’s not like that hasn’t happened before.  But, still.

Needless to say, after six years, seven seasons and blah blah blah…the Moms were getting a little tired of all the no-shows and had apparently been scouting out new locations where the girls could continue to rehearse and compete.  Locations that might give the girls a more positive environment to learn and grow and pig pile on top of each other like the last day of Spring Break.

Like maybe this place that Chloe cryptically posted on her IG account, which immediately caused two thirds of the country’s youth to stop doing their homework and start texting crying emojis way past their bedtime.  OMG + 20 Yellow Smiley Faces with tears pouring down.

Because, remember…Chloe.

Yup.  Looks like Chloe was really back.

Side note:  #CyberSpiritAnimal…

But wassup wid dat 8 Count Dance Academy?

Was it rehearsal space?  Did the team really…finally…jump ship off the SS ALDC?  And where was little Brynn?  Look at this niblet.

We love Brynn, even though her Mom stopped following me on Twitter.

Full Disclosure: I got a feeling Ashlee‘s probably not gonna re-follow me by the time I’m finished with this update, so if anyone would like to fill her spot there’s an #EmptyChair with your name on it.

Eventually, photos started creeping up online showing Brynn surrounded by all kinds of little ALDC Minis, which totally made her look like Dorothy when she first landed in Oz.

Am I right?  And you thought Brynn was tiny.

Was Brynn their mentor?  Was the team fractured?  What was even happening right now?

Lots, apparently.

Abby eventually showed up again with an (…alleged…) list of things that the gang could and could not discuss, which in Dance Moms Reverse Psychology meant Go Directly To Your Social Media.

It started getting a little uncomfortable.

But just a little.  The good stuff was still to come.  At the end of the long Road to Nationals.

Yeah.  What she said.

True Fact:  If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years of network television (watching) it’s this:

NEVER skimp on the lighting.  Or the fabric on your daughter’s costume.

Just don’t.

But they did.

And it didn’t end well at all.

Anyone remember #FanDanceGate?  Who burned those reels?  They’re not even on Netflix.

Turns out that Abby (…or was it?…) wanted the girls to wear some provocative costumes at Nationals to give them an edge against the competition, which…let’s be honest…has been an ongoing issue at her studio since that first episode way back in 2011.

The routine was going to be a Bob Fosse-ish thingamajig which I guess Abby (…or not…) felt needed grown-up attire consisting of bras, panties and a straddle chair, which in turn opened up pretty heated discussions on what is the proper age for your daughter to be on national television in her undergarments.

Advance Disclaimer:  Take it to the chat rooms, people.  Not the comment section.

This argument has gone on since Day One in the Dance World and while it’s true that the girls are way older than they were during the #FanDanceGate Fiasco, some Moms were still not comfortable with the costuming concept.

Look at how little Mackenzie was back then.  She looks like a toilet paper cozy.

Which reminds me that while all this drama was going on, former DM Break-Out Star Maddie was in Dubai riding a camel and that it’s someone’s actual job in Dubai to crochet camel nose cozies.You can probably Google how to make both the Mackenzie and the camel nose version if you want.

And she’s Maddie and you’re not.

Merchandising Memo:  Did you know that in lieu of cozies, Walgreen’s sells Maddie and Mackenzie dolls?  Because they do.  And both dolls come with a dance bag and legs that look like they’ll snap off as soon as you take them out of the plastic clamshell.  My girl Rachelle Rak will tell you those ain’t Broadway dancer gams.  No, ma’am.

Look!  Here’s Maddie and Mackenzie at Pure Barre.And the Teletubbies at Pure Barre.And Christi and Kelly at The Barre.How much do we love those two together?  Hashtag:  Goals.

And now I forgot what we were talking about.

Oh.  Yeah.  This.And this.  

And this bootleg shot of the actual 2017 dance, which someone apparently shot through the bottom of an aquarium.  Which I don’t understand since photos sent back from the Mars LandRover are clearer than some kid’s iPhone in the 4th row.  But whatev + Scratching Chin Smiley Emoji.

Programming Note:  Right here is where the whole thing hit the #Fan.

Allegedly, new girl Camryn or her Mom Camille or both, popped off on Abby and/or Brynn at some point.

And on Ashlee.  Who popped off on Abby and/or Camryn and Camille.  Or maybe not.  From here on out it kinda depends on whose Instagram account you follow.

FYI:  Those aren’t even the right clips or the right episodes, but you get the point.

Plus Jill is my #MomCrush.  So shut up, you.

And then the Moms started spinning the wheel for one last prize.

Not this one.This one.Game Over.  Social Media for the Win.

Abby went home and posted this picture.

And quit. Look at how long Gianna‘s hair got.

And there’s Brynn and those Minis again.

No clue who the dude is photobombing the shot, but he looks friendly.

Now this isn’t the first time that Abby’s used her IG to shake things up.  Remember when she got engaged to this guy?  Or not.

Here they are again, with that filter that gives you a tan and whitens your teeth.And one more time, looking in the other direction for some reason.Not sure what she had planned for this guy, but it required protective headgear.And this guy, totally getting his pocket picked while he was looking at the smoothie menu. No idea who this guy is.But I give the girl her props.

Always stalk your prey from behind and grab them by the neck before they can escape.

So Abby dragged the show and pretty much anyone else in her orbit on that post.  She even accused the producers of not knowing how to dance, but one of them got right on Twitter all like “Nuh Uh I took dance lessons and paid my rent with these moves, girlfriend.”

My boy even posted this told-you-so video which is so lo-res it will probably give you cataracts.

I shot him a text to get the HD version but he never answers the phone when he’s doing crunches because, you know…summer’s coming, bitch.

And then I don’t even know what happened next.

Abby went on a gazillion tv shows talking smack about everyone except me.  Or maybe even me.

It was like every channel was showing Abby Lee Miller at the beginning of the week.

There was even more #SocialMediaShade while Nia and Holly tried to calm the tide a little with a #NoCyberBullying post that got cyberbullied.

I know, right?

Nobody likes getting in the mud, but sometimes you gotta stand up for your beliefs, y’all.

And I was watching the whole thing like…

And then barely 48 hours later, they announced that Season 7B, which was done and in the can (…that’s industry lingo, BTW…) was suddenly back in production for at least one more month with Cheryl Burke taking over the reigns as Dance Coach.

Wait.  What?

You remember Cheryl.

We LOVE her.

She’s the lady from Dancing With The Stars who saved a horse by riding Drew Lachey to the top of the Leader Board.  They won the coveted Grand Champions Mirror Ball during Season Two, which she celebrated by performing a salsa routine while wearing a diaper.  You can’t make this s*** up.

Full Disclosure:  She doesn’t need diapers, but they paid her and her butt looked amazeballs.

Full Disclosure 2:  Not gonna lie.  If my butt could look as good as Cheryl’s I’d be rocking these so hard right now even though it looks like a lot of work to get both legs in securely.

Cheryl and a big football player took home a second Mirror Ball the next season and then she started drawing the short straw a few times.

Can you say Tom DeLay?

‘Merica.

Or when she got stuck with that Olympian who thought that if he dyed his hair back nobody would remember he went Number 1 all over the wall of a Rio gas station. 

Remember when that big dude jumped the barrier while Ryan Lochte and Cheryl were getting their scores?  Look at Lochte run like a little girl.

Even Cheryl couldn’t believe her life right there.And now she’s on Dance Moms!

And now Ashlee is skyping TMZ talking more shizz about why she and Brynn left the show and then supposedly (…or maybe not…) turning around and going back on set the next day to film.

Side note:  Look at the TMZ bus and Ashlee both blowing hot air all over Hollywood Blvd. Hit that Twitter follow button, people.  Plenty of room.

I dunno.

It’s exhausting.  No bus fume pun intended.

I love all them kids and all them Moms.  And the show straight up gives me #LIFE.

But I dunno what’s real and what’s not and who hates who (…whom?…) or what really happened.  Nobody does, except the people who lived it.  And it’s real for them.

So I guess the rest of us are just gonna have to wait for additional updates.

Or maybe I’ll just keep making up more stuff.

Stay tuned and we’ll see.

But for now…signing off from Dance Moms TV.

Good news.

Good night.

And straighten those damn feet, will ya?

Dance Moms: Holy Moly, Chloe! It Was Starbound To Happen Sooner Or Later. But Can You Really Go Home Again?

Thursday, February 23rd, 2017

nia

 

 

I just can’t believe it’s been 7 years and they still haven’t filled one pothole in this parking lot.

 

 

ch

 

 

This kitchen remod is way over budget. Put your shoes on, girls…it’s time to go snatch up some Lifetime coins.

 

 

jill

 

 

 

Did I tell you that I’m dropping a hip, new musical video this week? It’s already on my FacePage.

 

 

 

 

 

So ignore it. Do it anyways. Prove them wrong. And read DanThat’sCool. Hear that, haters?

 

 

cns4

 

 

A few treats from Canton’s Jerky King in the gopher trap and just like that I got a new fur stole.

 

 

ab

 

 

 

FYI. Sing Sing’s an all-male, maximum security prison, you idiot. But Mama does like her boys.

 

S01-E01_15-06

 

 

 

We were gonna show up, too, but that one couldn’t find her phone and they left without us.

 

 

 

Quick question.

Asking for a friend, of course.
chloe

Dat’s rite.

We’re back.  At least for one week, anyway.

So try to contain your enthusiasm…fDaXui9…because it’s really happening, people.

The long awaited reveal of the worst kept secret in the history of Reality TV.

And me finally getting off my lazy a** to recap Dance Moms like the good ol’ days.

Double Whammy.

Deuces

And it’s all because Chloe Lukasiak is back in the hizzle, yo.Dance-1Dq6V_f-maxage-0_zpsnafcxcymI know, right?

But first…

Dance-Moms-6x15-Recap-Melissa-should-be-sorryI know I’ve been slacking on this blog lately.  Bigly.

trump-dismissive-gif

Fact:  I missed you guys.  F’realz.

Alternative Fact:  Unfortunately, this hot mess of a site has catapulted me into such a stratospheric new level of #SuperStardom that I no longer have time for the little people anymore.

I’m kind of a big deal now.

putting-on-sunglasses-white-purple-wowtumblr_niujn0MVjB1tb8iyko1_500Or not, maybe.

Closer to the actual truth might be the fact that Lifetime TV (…and that lady in the orange…) still refuse to pay my rent each month, which means I’m required to continue working a real job in the real world for a real small paycheck.

An annoyance which has seriously cut into quality couch time in front of my widescreen.

Don’t get me wrong, tho.

I’m sure Lifetime would be more than willing to compensate me for all this hilarity if a certain Executive Producer wasn’t pissing away all the profits on gym memberships and designer LensCrafters frames.

But you didn’t hear that from me.bstgiphy-1Kidding.  He’s my boy.  It’s all good.

And if he thinks they makes him look like Clark Kent on Casual Friday…whatever.

Side note:  Did we ever get an answer as to why Melissa and Jill wore the same hair that day?

Jill_and_Melissa_-_Season_5_Reunion

What was that all about?

Side note 2:  Remember when they used to film the Reunion Shows in Kelly‘s basement?  That was back when Jill did her own hair.  BRAND_LFT_DMOM_110987_CRS_2997_060_20130920_V1_HD_768x432-16x9But they fancy now.  Real Housewives of Pittsburgh 4Life.

And as far as the MIA Dance Moms recaps, it’s not like we lost touch during my absence.

To the contrary, actually.

I heard from many of you on social media.

dance-moms-season-7-premiere-recap-remember-thistumblr_novr40oSA11uvr2ddo1_500dance-moms-7x08-recap-dance-mom-holly-frazier-gets-annoyedgotohell

You know.  The usual.giphy copy 4But now we’re all back together again.  In Pittsburgh.  Where it all began.

The birthplace of the ALDC.

And home to the ALDC.  But not the same ALDC.  Pay attention…because it’s confusing.

Turns out the Pittsburgh Abby Lee Dance Company is now the Appolonia Leake Dance Company.

Or at least on paper and in Yelp reviews.  Everything else still has the old name all over it.

One.  The fact that they found someone with the exact same initials to sign the lease is amazing.  If it’s a lease, I mean.  One Instagram account says Ms. Leake owns the ALDC now.

Two.  It’s not this Apollonia.

purple-rain-4The one riding on the back of Prince‘s motorcycle in Purple Rain spells her name with one ‘P’ and two ‘Ls’ and should be wearing a helmet.

The one that is slowly painting over all evidence that Abby Lee Miller ever stepped foot in the building is spelled with two ‘Ps’ and one ‘L.’  Because, of course it is.

Look at Abby ’bout ready to rip that damn sign right off the wall.

aldcSide note:  If they still have that Reign Dance Production marquee up on the highway, I’m not playing anymore.  Don’t even ask me where the Maryen Lorraine Dance Studio fits into all this mess.
7R0F35ORegardless.  E’rryone is back in PA for Nationals.  Because, you know.  The Road to Nationals.

As Holly and Nia Sioux took in the view from the parking lot, marveling at the gutted out flat top pavement and subzero temperatures, Abby was inside getting ready to not run the Pyramid of Shame.

potholeYou can’t see it in that photo, but Holly was wearing an 84K diamond cocktail necklace at 2 in the afternoon.  Because she can now.  And she did.

Remember when Nia was so little she used to disappear in those parking lot cracks  like they were sink holes?  Our little Sasha is all growed up like wicked big now.

Tumblr_lxm6cgZKhM1qmsq6vOnce everyone made it inside, all the girls fell into Beyoncé Formation one last time.

At least in Pittsburgh.  The whole show was in kind of a TMZ flux during filming.

Look at this and tell me you don’t feel old.

rehost-2016-9-13-93cc7c74-ed62-4578-b0bd-c4e7ca7f4e92lineupWhat the what with these little kids—?

And don’t tell me that it wasn’t a complete mindf*** to see all those new Moms mixed in with the Few & the Proud remaining Original Recipe Moms, all standing at the same Pure Barre railing that Mackenzie used to bump her head on every week.

Especially this Mom.

bowWho’s the perfect toxic mash-up of that lady who always screams at her kids…

54eaa11ab4bf2_-_h-wd1109-kate-gosselin-2…and that other lady who was always in the top/middle spot on Hollywood Squares.

RoseMarieI mean, c’mon.

bow1This is when I really wish Joan Rivers was still alive.

Oh.  And it was Pashmina Poncho Day at the ALDC.  But only for the OGs.

ponchoI’m not even sure who this kid is.  I don’t think she’s danced in the last 3 weeks, has she?dShe seems nice, tho.

And look at these two niblets.mini

As previously noted, there was so much to do this week (…Nationals!…) that Abby decided it was best to skip the Pyramid and get right down to bidnezz, which kind of disappointed me since I was really looking forward to one last creaky, dusty PA Pyramid.

687474703a2f2f696d61676573322e77696b69612e6e6f636f6f6b69652e6e65742f5f5f636232303133303430313134323734362f64616e63656d6f6d732f696d616765732f662f66652f5330312d4530315f30342d34322e6a7067#NeverForget.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  When the temperature drops, the fur comes out and the Bump-It goes up.

jillj2Fact:  It’s more accurate than the Weather Channel.  And if I’m lying, I’m dying.

This week (…at Nationals!…) Lilly, Elliana, Kalani and Brynn all scored solos, which meant that the two most senior members of the ALDC Team got nada.

reallyNia’s #SrslyFace is straight up #Goals.

Kendall didn’t seem as concerned, tho, probably because this was the week her new music video was going to be premiered to a throng of screaming young girls who shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a nightclub that has open liquor bottles displayed on the wall.

Spoiler Alert:

tumblr_olr1upJLds1tb8iyko1_500Q.  Where would I be without you?

But Nia and Kendall would at least be part of the Big Girl group routine (…cryptically entitled “Is There Still Hope?”…) where they would all portray characters from the seedier side of the PA streets.

Kalani was going to be the junkie.  KK schizophrenic.  Brynn was developing an eating disorder.  Newbie Camryn would rep the prostitutes.

200_s

And Nia was going to be in a gang, because…LaQuifa What?

imagestumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500reallySwear to Gawd.  Seven years later and Abby’s still trying to make her wear that lace front.

Full disclosure:  Initially, the group routine was going to be a number about conquering cancer, but Abby had forgotten that the girls had already sung that song with a pink ribbon way back in the old’n days.

Once the Moms reminded her that she was about to recycle a routine, Abby went and sat on her crash pad until Nia’s gang dance came to her in a vision.

a1abby dancing 2

#CrashPadMemories.  Good times.

And then the internet started to break:

Our first glimpse of Chloe and Christi and no-longer-a-baby Baby Clara.

First in a flashback, which explained the Lukasiaks’ Season 4 departure, but did nothing to address what exactly was happening in the back of Abby’s hair while Christi was ripping her a new one…

fb1…and then in a flashforward (…I think that should have been two words…) which made me a little emotional for my Toddlers & Tiaras crew.

Dance Moms:
tToddlers & Tiaras:

A-past-contestant-seen-on-Toddlers--Tiaras._gallery_primary

Dance Moms:c2

Toddlers & Tiaras:Toddlers_And_Tiaras_Recap

Dance Moms:claraLook at how big Clara got.  That’s crazy pants.

Long story short.  This…

tumblr_mebsdpvAYP1rytq3ko1_500…turned into this when nobody was looking.

c3Casa Lukasiak got a kitchen makeover with a pretty pricey refrigerator.

ch1

And this is a good color on Christi.ch4A Million Bonus Points:  That strategically placed Teen Choice Award surfboard was EVERYthing.

Remember when Chloe scored that giant foam slab in 2015 and so many girls screamed that all the neighborhood dogs started running in circles?  The Library was open on that Read when she read Abby at the podium, right?

Chloe-Lukasiak-teen-choice-winner-00

And her stunt double got one, too, which I thought was nice.  You don’t think our girl did 4 years of Christi vs. Abby fight scenes without some help, do you?  b083fe9562de173bc8d22e

A Million More Bonus Points:  After deciding to crash the Nationals party, Chloe said that if things got out of control, maybe the Federal Government could help them with Abby.

#OhNoSheDin’t.

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoaMeanwhile, back at the ALDC, all the wrong Moms were up in the Original MomPerch all sitting in the wrong MomSpots.  Shout out to Holly for snagging her end seat, tho.  All those years running into a crowded school cafeteria finally paid off.  Dat’s my seat, yo.

dance-moms-holly-melissa

The new Moms gnawed on each others’ necks for awhile after finding out that Lilly’s Dad was doing the vocals on her solo music.  Which I guess would be an issue if her Dad was Nat King Cole or something.

But he’s not.  So relax.

mI literally can’t stop looking at that hair.

m1Look at Yolanda.  You know she wants to.

Public Service Announcement:  Brace yourselves, ladies.  Put your trays in the upright position and fix your lip gloss, cuz we’re all about to experience a #ZackAttack.

zToddlers_And_Tiaras_RecapI know, right?  So dreamy.

Little Zack Torres is now Big Zack Torres and he just made his triumphant return to the Candy Apples!

zorro7_zpsf6605685

Look at Ava back there.   She knows wassup.

z1I probably could’ve done without Cougar Cathy Nesbitt-Stein pointing out what a #ZackSnack he was in front of all the kids…but she’s old, not dead.  So I guess…you know.

cnsGot enough crap on those shelves?

And this Mom was back again.

haleySide note:  I realize that every time Melanie‘s on the show I point out how she once knocked over my soda at a Boston Food Court and just kept walking like she had somewhere to go, but I feel it needs constant repeating because it cost me almost $1.50 in gym bag change.

This Mom returned, too.

zzzzSssssh.  Don’t wake her.  She’s resting up for a Throw Down later.

The CADC group routine was going to be about Abduction and Human Trafficking, which was a heavy and emotionally disturbing subject to everyone.  Especially 20 years ago when the ALDC did it with a playground swing.  But, again…I’m not judging.  Out loud.

I’m not even sure who this Mom is, but she experienced abduction in her own family and that is both heartbreaking and not cool, so she was allowed to get emotional.

taraKeep your kids close.  Nobody should have to go through that.  Ever.

Alternative Fact:  I think I forgot to mention that Cathy was positively gleeful at the possibility of Abby ending up in Sing Sing when all the financial drama reached Sentencing.

You might to Google that before you go on CNN, honey.cns1Bonus MomPerch footage:  Please tell me you saw that interaction between Kira and Ashlee when Kira was all like ‘Don’t even tell me you’re gonna put that whole thing in you mouth all at once…”

ka

And Ashlee was all like “Watch me…”ka1

And Kira was all like “OhMyGod you totally did it.  How ’bout you chew your food?…”kiraAnd then Holly was all like #HollyFace.khaDisclaimer:  Kidding.

You know I love Ashlee even though she stopped following me on Twitter.  And let’s be real.  Whatever she was inhaling looked mighty tasty, so scoot over and break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar.

And then we were off to Kendall K’s music video premiere!!!!

kk

Starring Jill!
v

And more Jill!
v1And even more Jill!

tumblr_inline_mj71f0nIBR1qg907pGo home, Jill.  You’re drunk.

tumblr_olr1x3c44W1tb8iyko1_500Disclaimer(s):  You know Jill Vertes will always be my MomCrush.  Your arguments are invalid.

And I guess Kendall K’s actual…actual…online music video looks completely different and actually stars Kendall K.  So I’m not really sure what they premiered.  Or why Abby was selling merch in the lobby like it was a Grateful Dead tour.  Maybe she’s just a little short on cash.

(Too soon?)

Side note:  Not gonna lie.  I thought Abby was shaving Kate Gosselin’s back in this clip until I realized she was just autographing some of the DeadHead t-shirts.  You can’t even make this stuff up anymore.

akateThe next day, after a tearful last look at the ALDC studio in the rearview mirror, it was Showtime!

In an airplane hangar.  On the Planet Hoth.

Look at how far away the makeup tables were from the front door.

airAnd look at how how cold it was in there.

giphy-1actumblr_myulqp8MPg1r93xiko6_r1_500ahI’m pretty sure this show stopped making sense somewhere around the middle of Season One.

Everybody was freezing, which I guess would explain why the emcee’s cheeks were so pink during the Red Carpet photo op.  Careful with that mic, dude.

sb  You know what happened the last time somebody shoved something in her face.

ReJtLxHAnd then Cathy & Co. stampeded through the ALDC makeup hangar like they always do, pushing over both the vinyl banner and Holly’s last button.

hfThat’s enough Candy Apple nonsense for me, thank you very much.

Side note:  Isn’t this copyright infringement?

cokeCoca-cola advertLooks like Abby might have a roommate in Sing Sing after all.

And then Abby kinda sorta mentally shut down and didn’t even bother to give the girls their normal pre-game pep talk, which got an already frustrated Holly even more frustrated.

harmFact:  She’s literally been waving that right arm in the air for 7 years.

And then finally, it was really Showtime!

Programming Note:  Since we’re running a little long given the 2 hour broadcast, I’ll try to trim the fat to speed up the process.

Zack’s makeup was on point.

zz

Zack’s Mom.  When your son has better contouring than you, why even bother.torres

I love Gina.

Human Prop Vivi-Anne was back to reclaim her title as Miss Human Abduction Prop 2017.

vivZack scooped her up faster than Chunky Monkey on Ben & Jerry’s Free Cone Day.  I love Vivi-Anne almost as much as she loves ice cream.  Which is a lot.  And more than dancing.

giphy-2Why this kid doesn’t have a sitcom yet, I swear…

Lilly’s Dad looks like the guy from The Commish after he shaved his head.  And her brother’s gonna be a heart breaker once he stops sleeping with a retainer.

familylillyThis random guy’s eyebrows, tho.  I just can’t.  And neither can Kira.

eyeWait for it…

cc1

There’s Holly’s right arm again.armWait for it…

cc2There was even some dancing, but you’re gonna have to Google the results.  You know the rules.

minis khh aldc l2Wait for it…

cccryKate Gosselin almost punched out that other Mom after the competition.

push fightAnd then…

Wait for it…

wait-whatOk. Now.

maxresdefault tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko1_500 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko3_400 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko2_400Everyone.  Lost.  Their.  Minds.

Holly was a #HotMess.

hjc

Jill wasn’t sure how she felt about Christi’s off-the-shoulder peasant dress.jc

Chloe was thinking about getting back into competition mode.compete

Christi already needed a drink. clThere were hugs and kisses and screams and more hugs and more kisses and more screaming.

And then just like that…it was over.

Or was it?  Is it?

Chloe was back.

Or was she?

Can you really go home again?

To be continued…

Lolppo

Toddlers & Tiaras: The International Fresh Faces Pageant Is All About The Face. So Take That…And Rewind It.

Sunday, November 27th, 2016

twice

 

 

So lemme get this straight. First you take my crown. And now you’re taking my toys? HellNaw.

 

 

bc1

 

 

I dunno. I mean…I just…I just can’t imagine not having this T&T blog to read every week.

 

 

ceye

 

 

 

I heard that Boys don’t make passes at Girls who wear glasses. Gimme a few minutes…

 

mb1

 

 

 

 

That bitch is #Goals.

 

 

 

p

 

 

 

 

Now I see one boob.

 

 

fu

 

 

 

At first I was all like “Yo. Hold my drink while I f*** this bitch up…” but then I was all like “Never mind. I think I got this.”

 

w

 

 

 

She ain’t touching this one, I can tell you that. I’m down to my last full box. And Mama likes.

 

 

 

Let’s Face it.

You know I’m all about that Face.

And this Face.

f1

And this Face, of course.

sugar-2

And this vintage Face, served with a side of #Attitude.

giphyAnd these Faces, for sure.  Clutch the pearls.

thb

And this Face.  ‘member this one?  Holla at yo’ Coupon Queen Mama.

tumblr_m8g3yitur61ql5yr7o1_400

And whatever’s going on with this Face.

fight

And this Face again, but with different hands.

f2

And these Faces, both which gave me such #LIFE that I had to walk away for a moment.

mp

And these Crazy Faces.

selfie

And every Face this Face ever made.

jkall

But let’s Face it.

We’re two episodes behind in our weekly Toddlers & Tiaras Quality Time because somebody at TLC thought it would be a good idea to stretch the Super-Sized 2 Part Season Finale around the Thanksgiving Holiday Season when everyone in the Real World was either slaving away over a hot plastic stove…
stove

…or waiting in line at Best Buy for a $5 Black Friday plasma screen.  So…yeah.

To whoever thought that was a good idea:v2tsqvxBut now we’re back.  And basically two episodes and three hours behind in recaps.

So no bathroom breaks today.

Let’s do this.

99bb73db8684398b03d0fd3ddc13a245-jpg

The last time we saw our heroines, Kim‘s Barbie Dream SUV was still parked outside some strip mall dance studio and tiny Selyse was still locked inside Cambrie Littlefield‘s Panic Room.pinkLook at how tiny her fingers are.  She couldn’t dig an escape tunnel if she wanted to…

fingersAs you’ll recall, Selyse was put into Solitary because she had been acting like a 3 year old during the Cambrie’s Court team dance rehearsal.

As you’ll also recall, Selyse is 3 years old.  So there’s that.

Look at that face.

sCambrie wanted Kim to make Selyse go to sleep, yet never really clarified if that was supposed to be accomplished with pills, a lullaby or a mallet to the head.  But since Cambrie is #Goals, I’m going to assume she meant Hug It Out, because violence is never the answer.

Don’t do NyQuil.  And stay in school, kids.

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Eventually, Kim knocked down the door, rescuing Selyse…

ks

…and then hustling her into the Barbie Dream GetAway SUV where there was already another unexplained randomly placed child in the back seat who clearly was not in the mood for paparazzi today.

kkSide note:  I love Kim.

She gets a bad rap from a ton o’ chat rooms and people on Twitter who still have the egg icon as their photo, but I think she’s a hoot.  And y’all know by now that I’m an equal opportunity snarker.

Just ask Paisley Dickey‘s Mom.  #PrettyWoman.

toddlers-and-tiaras-paisleyI literally dragged her through the first 6 seasons of this show, but couldn’t love her more.  She and that kid are sweeter than Pixie Stix, I swear.  If they ever remix that Booger Song with a stronger bass beat I would totally use it in Step Class.

We love Kim.  She’s a mess.  But it’s the good kind.  So it’s all love.

kim Just like Kallyn‘s Mom Megan loves her vino.  Or almost as much.

m2

Look at that.

Make yourself at home in our Thomasville showroom, ma’am.m3Do any of these Pageant Moms even own shoes?

Megan is HIGH-larious.  But it was her husband Brandon who took top prize this time.

b1

Part Yogi Bear‘s overwhelmed BFF…

yogibearbdcap3_originalPart Fire Island stuffed animal and part every shop teacher who ever lost a finger in every high school in America when he puts on his protective glasses…

dad1

…Brandon was 250+ pounds of weepy #ProudBabyDaddy, who got choked up every time he tried to talk about his #Daddy’sGirl Kallyn.

bcTrue Fact:  There is nothing like a Father’s Love.  Don’t ever take that for granted, kids.

We also met some boy that I’m going to assume is Kallyn’s brother…

bobby…who looked really familiar, but I couldn’t quite place him from where exactly.

tumblr_ma7wf7dxvb1relflqo3_r3_400Dad made some shirts for the upcoming pageant in a variety of colors…shirt1cznomcmwaaevkyt shirt…and proved again how much he loved his kid and iron-on heat-set lettering from Joanne’s.

Side note:  Jaimie/Adele kept showing up in clips where she was standing in front of a #ChoreBoard.

I’m not sure why the kid on the left had more chores to do than the kid on the right.

25_adele_560x375ju25_adele_560x375I’m also not sure why one of the chores wasn’t ‘Clean This Damn Chalkboard’ because that thing hadn’t been washed since the last time Jaimie went on tour.

C’mon.  How can you not love Jaimie?

Side note #2: Kallyn smelled Hot Pockets being microwaved down the hall and completely spaced out during the interview process.

hot1hot2No clue where she gets her lack of focus from.

dayHit me, bartender.

Moving on, we headed back to LensCrafters to finally get an explanation as to why Cambrie had been holding all her Team Meetings in an optical shop.

docMystery solved.

According to the blurred-out 2nd row, all of Cambrie’s kids are blind.

FDA Disclaimer:  There is no known connection between 20/700 eyesight and taking collagen spray shots directly in your open orbital cavities.  None whatsoever.  So don’t even bother calling your lawyer.

Look at how cute the kids look with goggles.

g glassesBut you didn’t need your new specs to see Hallee’s Mom lounging on her giant Roomba, did ya?

roomba

Because there she was again, chilling back all carefree and shoeless while the Taco Bell dog licked his burrito hole on national television.

And that’s Elicia.hm

With an…

mlsvulAnd a smokey eye, ‘mmkay?

seyeElicia’s a cheer coach and the Most Hated Mom on the pageant circuit right now.

She also holds the record for cooking the most hot dogs in one day.  You see that spread?

emI love how her husband Mark always had the same look on his face no matter what scene they were taping.  The only thing that ever changed was the designer logo on his shirt.

That’s the only way I knew it was a different day.  #TrueStory.

And excuse me.  How about Lola?

lola

So.  Cute.  Drop Dead Cute.

And since the upcoming International Fresh Faces Pageant was strictly Neck-Up, Jaimie figured Lola was a shoe-in for Ultimate Grand Supreme.

Lola’s Mom Jessica even took time off from filming an episode of Grey’s Anatomy to grant an interview before scooting out to her (…Spoiler Alert!…) BoxAerobics class at the Y.

jess jess1

You just wait.

Oh.  And Piper‘s back.  And her Mom Katie.  And her Dad with the Cowboy Hat.

gk k3

No shoes, tho.

Side note:  I think I forgot to mention that Lola’s Secret Weapon was her #Wink.

lola l1 l2Because it was.

Anyway.  I hope you’re safely reclined in your Carol Burnett Fainting Couch…

k3

…because right here was when the T&T Train went off the rails.

Piper was going on stage this weekend…with NO flipper.pipI know, right?  That’s crazy.

k1Spoiler Alert:  Actually, that’s not crazy.  This is crazy.

kBut not yet.

That’ll have to wait until Showtime.

Which was just about to start, as soon as we were introduced to Co-Directors Poncho and Michael.

And as soon as I regained consciousness after inhaling all their awesomeness.
looktumblr_nvtzpqhcvl1u2pphqo1_500m7tumblr_nvtzpqhcvl1u2pphqo1_500birdJust. Yaaaaaassssssss.

Since this pageant was all about the Face, nothing below the neck even mattered.

Not the costumes.  Not the fancy footwork.  Nuthin.

The judges were even informed to only score #FacialBeauty, which was so wrong it was right on so many levels.  Ugly Kids Need Not Apply.  Really.  I mean it.

Side note:  Don’t even ask me why everyone was putting a second mortgage on their homes to pay for cupcake dresses that wouldn’t even skew the numbers.  Don’t.

Lola from the Future even came back in time to host the pageant.

lf

Cuz Poncho and Michael don’t play.

Not with the rules (…Spoiler Alert:  Put that toy down, you greedy kid…) or with the pre-game State Fair festivities, which included games and rides and snow cones and a monkey drinking Windex.

monkeyicee

Oh.  And strippers.  With kids in the room.

stripper

Look at Magic Jimmy all like “Simmer down, honey.  You already got a horse in the barn.”cowboy

Megan whipped that iPhone out pretty fast, too, if you ask me.  But I’m not judging.

Her friend that cuts fabric down at Walmart is never gonna believe this one.iphoneAnd now that the lady folk were all wound up, it was time to get the 2 Day festivities started!

Finally, it was really Showtime!

Day 1:  Beauty and Swimwear.

ccc

Right out of the gate, things were a little awkward as both Cambrie’s Court and the Sassy Supremes were forced to share a makeup room.  It was all about tight quarters and even tighter hot rollers.bhurtsBecause Pretty is Painful, FYI.

redpretty-hurts-music-video-beyonce-part-2hotmessAnd Kim is always late, FYI.

ks1This time it was something about the flight just getting in and reading the text wrong and needing to feed the baby first because she’s a baby even though as soon as Kim got to the makeup room she sat Selyse down and fed her more cereal.  So I dunno.

I love her.  But she makes my head hurt sometimes.

octopussoir-tumblr1

Disclaimer:  That wasn’t Kim or Selyse.  And you probably don’t want to try that at home.

Needless to say, Selyse had to skip the nails again and get snatched up by her Stylist Friend, who proceeded to run a full Spartan Iron Man course with a 3 year old sand bag under one arm.

relayThere was even an obstacle course that included stepping over empty Red Bull cans and racing up two flights of stairs.  Jesus take the Wheel.  And this baby, too, cuz she weighs a ton with all that hair.

Luckily, they ran right up to the lady with the iPhone chip reader who takes registrations, because Kim also forgot to sign Selyse up for this shindig while she was feeding her and misreading texts.

vest1

Look at how elaborate the back of that lady’s vest is.  Do you think she crocheted that herself?vestAfter a quick pit stop, they were $395 in the hole…but back in the race.

Selyse made it.  Barely.

So I guess nobody could notch out that curly piece of jigsawed plywood so every kid didn’t have to step up and over it before falling head first into the stage runway lights?

plywood I bet Brandon could’ve fixed that in under 3 minutes.  #SafetyFirst, of course.

dad1

Clearly, the best part of the pageant was after they came off the stage, every child got to scoop up some stash from the massive International Fresh Faces Toy Toy Table.

toys

Because that’s what Poncho called it.  tinderBecause he couldn’t say Toy Table single…ular…ly.

Look at how precious.  What a little bird, right?

mp

As all that hilarity was ensuing, little peanut Kallyn was attempting to cross enemy lines and say hello to her friends in the Cambrie Camp.  Because she’s everyone’s friend.  Beautiful on the inside and outside.

By the time she hit the stage, it was all over.

kall

Cue the #ProudPoppaBear tears.

bAnd the #ProudMamaBear tears.  I knew she had it in her.

cry2#Deuces.

peaceCheck it out.  The middle judge totally matches that Marimekko chair.

middle kivet-chairs-blgoTo Infinity & Beyond Cute:  Caitlyn was next on stage and she rocked it as always.  Unfortunately, coming down from that performance high, she snatched up the wrong toy toy from the wrong toy toy table and got slapped down down by Poncho in front of everyone in the room.

You can not do that.

Relax, dude.  I think you got enough Banana Monkeys to go around.

banana Mom Charis was NOT happy.  She cried and then kinda blended into the background curtains.

charisMeanwhile, Piper was having a bad day.

She was grumpy and sleepy and her ginger weave was hurting her head every time someone clipped in a track.  Take it easy, woman.  I’m not wearing a flipper.

phAnd as if that wasn’t crazy enough, Mark and Elicia with an E had decided to enter Hallee into the competition wearing a pantsuit.

That’s right.  You heard me.

A.  Pant.  Suit.

Who does that?

hrcrainbowAt least it fit, thank you Jesus.

Side note:  Using all this pre-game chaos as a smokescreen, my Boo Jayliana and Mom Deb were huddled off in the corner trying to convince pint sized Kallyn to jump ship and join Cambrie’s Court…where you can ride magical unicorns and get collagen facials 24/7.

Not gonna lie.  It’s pretty awesome.

Not as awesome as your Dad’s pink shirt and definitely not as awesome as whatever’s happening to your hair right now…

lesson …but pretty awesome.

Deb actually said “Gimme Knuckles” and set the clock back to Jersey Shore time.

But let’s be real.

The best part of this entire 3 hour block was when Piper spied her sister Harlie scarfing down a lollipop and was all like ‘Where’d you get that?’ and Harlie was all like ‘What?  This?  This lollipop?  The lollipop that’s supposed to replace all the crowns and parental attention you’ve stolen from me over the years with not even an ounce of regret?  This lollipop?’

h

(…Sucking Noise…)h1

This one?h

If you’ve ever competed against a sibling in your lifetime, you just saw Jesus.

And then Jimmy got a text that Piper was supposed to already be on stage instead sitting there like leftovers with half her hair still in a bag.

Codeword: PANIC.  And SUCK IT IN.*
h3

*Save a horse.  Ride a Pageant Kid.

Side note:  Anyone else see that Park Ranger show up right when Piper was running out the door?  It happened so fast I couldn’t even catch it with a screenshot.  What was that all about?  Please tell me there aren’t animals in this one, too.  No more #PoopGate please.

pbaBut Piper made it on time.  Barely.

And then she just kind of stood there on stage like a stalled car for a second or two, which was just enough time for Michael to get a jump start on his 2017 taxes.

tax

And even though it shouldn’t really matter since the whole thing was a Face thing, it got her Mom so worked up that Katie had to go outside and take a few drags on her vaporizer and begin the Meltdown process.

Hallee nailed her pantsuit routine with some Bollywood fingers and #Sass.

hall psI don’t know anything, but I know that kid is gorgeous.

Ditto.  Lola.

lola1The Swimwear portion of the competition went off without any major drama, aside from Hallee’s parents forgetting her suit back at their condo.  Luckily, Dad was back there changing into a different polo shirt, so he came running over with suit in hand to save the day.

And it had sleeves.  Which the judges L-O-V-E-D.

All the kids 3 and under jumped around like they had beach sand in their suits, while the older kids all werked the stage like they were in an MTV video.  Shoutout to Jayliana.

tumblr_lq035of2qt1qbnfoaScore so far:  Bonus Points go to the Editing Dept. who cut right from a clip of Katie stating that all Cambrie’s Court Moms are classless to this Mom in the audience.

cutI see what you did there, TLC.

Day 2:  Talent.

The short version:  Hallee didn’t want to throw her tuck in rehearsal, which made her Mom blow a nutty and in turn made Hallee cry.  Cambrie came at her with sharp Q-Tips instead of Kleenex because she wasn’t gonna do her face over again.  Time is money.

tuck

Kailia was back on her suspended aerial Cirque du Soleil ring thing snapping her spine.

yoga

And Britney Spears sang during the breaks.

britneyAll the kids did amazing.

And then finally…2 weeks and 3 hours later…it was time for Crowning!

iff And Drama.

Selyse only scored Beauty Alternate, which really pissed off Kim.  Without reading the rules, I’m gonna have to assume that means she is eligible to take over the crown if the reigning Miss Fresh Face is no longer pretty anymore and can no longer hold the title.  Is that right?

Jaimie/Adele was all like #ToldYouSo about that #LegitHotMess.

gmm

Cambrie was all like #OyVey.

cf

Kallyn got Queen.

Dad cried again and then Mom straight up Ugly Cried so hard the curl came out of her hair.

cry1

Piper got another Beauty Alternate title and threw some gang signs and then Katie lost it.gangkPiper was robbed.  #ByeByeBitches.

And then…Wait.  What?

Did you…?  No way.

#MoreNisa.  Visit my Kickstarter Page.  I’ll pay if I have to.

Jayliana took Beauty Photo Supreme.

I love how Jayliana is always happy with whatever title she gets.  Even at Crossfit.

I was proud.  Mom was proud.  Deb even had a hazy dream sequence remembering all the times Mustache Guy lurked in the background for some reason.

mgSo take THAT and rewind it back, yo.

rewindtake-thatJayBae’s Mom got the beat to make your booty go (clap!)

Kailia scored First Place in the Talent category (…no surprise, girlfriend…) and then Lola took Grand Supreme, which came with a sparkly crown, an envelope full of hot cash and a role as Vanity from Apollonia 6 in the new Purple Rain reboot.

pr

Am I wrong?  Look at that doll.

Drumroll.

Ladies & Gentlemen.  You’re Ultimate Grand Supremes.

Ages 7-8:  Emily!  From the Dueling Cousins Show!  Hey, Mom!

Ages 9-11:  Hallee!

crw

Now everyone was crying and cheering and crying some more.

AND it was Hallee’s Birthday!  Best.  Present.  Ever.

They even took her out back and made her do that Sorority thing where you crawl under the legs of all your sisters and they spank you like a naughty girl.

Anyone else catch that player sneaking in for a touchdown when the game was already over?

play

You’re a Real Boy now, Pinocchio.playerAnd then it happened.

All the stress from an entire season of glitz pageantry and all the leftover Me & My Pet poop just hit the fan.  Hard.  In the hall.

Kim was doing one of her confessional interviews behind one of those accordion wall/door things…fight

…when she spied Lola’s Mom snooping through the cracks.

doorSide note:  I think I forgot to mention that Kim was hormonal.  And pregnant.

Hormonally pregnant.

Because that’s kind of important.

I see you out here.  You really want to do this?  Why you spying?
bring-it-miami-and-divas-and-dolls-oh-my-and-l-mcctuj

I know you’re in there talking s*** about Sassy Supremes.kourtney-kardashian-amaazing-look-starbucks

You wanna talk s*** about who’s talking s***?  You’re talking s***.  All season.toddlers-tiaras-when-its-slots-and-tots-and-l-l-cgz0_v

Jaimie even came out of her own interview for a second but then thought better.  Cleaning up this hot mess ain’t on the list, honey.

chores

And then this happened.bball_7_gif2

Dat’s rite.  Jessica threw her damn drink right in Kim’s damn face.

watermad-goldiewaterLook at how she even squeezed the cup to make sure the lid popped off.

This ain’t her first rodeo.

Jaimie came back out and tried to youtube the fight but had her phone facing the wrong way.

youtubeAnd then Jessica took off and left Kim and Jaimie alone in the hallway to have the most uncomfortable confrontation ever under the worst harsh lighting imaginable.

lightsIt was long and involved and exceptionally dramatic.

#ByeFelicia.

hotel

Jaimie busted out the back door and told somebody to either take off her dress or her live mic pack.  It wasn’t really clear and she was already out of the shot, so…

And then it was over.

Elicia called home to make sure this s*** was DVR’d and to remind the sitter to walk the Taco Bell dog.

phoneCambrie was still giving #Face and #Goals.

f1Jaimie was vowing to come back bigger and better next season.

joAnd I’m waaaaay past the word count they say makes for an enjoyable blog post.

So that’s it.

We made it through Toddler 2.0.

And I couldn’t have done it without you.  Really.

But I’m gonna leave before I get emotional.

bc

Let’s do it again soon.

Like next season, maybe…right, TLC?

Sparkle, baby.

Muah.toddlers-tiaras-beach-beach-baby-its-finally-l-3r6lsz


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