DanThat'sCool!

Just in time for Memorial Day Weekend.

If the humidity doesn’t kill you, this will.

When you hit the beach this summer, be sure to pack your Igloo Cooler full of muffin tops and burnt toast, because Patricia “Tan Mom” Krentcil is back with a vengeance.

Apparently, when she’s not (…allegedly…) dragging her young daughter into New Jersey tanning booths, drinking herself into a face plant at random D List events around the Tri-State Area or milking the World’s Longest 15 Minutes Evah…Tan Mom found the time to polish up on her SPF Diddy rap skills.

I know, right?  Who knew?

It’s the official Tan Mom Music Video.

So bad that it’s…well, it’s just that bad.

Done on a green screen budget of about $27 and change, the video is everything that you could ask for from the woman who refuses to stay out of the damaging rays of the hot sun…or our collective consciousness…for more than one day.

Clearly, Patricia is better at baby oil spritzing than she is at sit ups and lip synching, since the whole musical extravaganza is basically 3 minutes of your life that you will never get back again.

Not to mention a sun parched tongue from your mouth hanging open in disbelief the entire time.  She even mentions something about her goodies getting brown.

Yeah.  That happens.

So moisturize, and enjoy.

At least that way, when you burn your retinas within the first 20 seconds, your skin will still be baby soft for the upcoming beach season.

And one last word of warning:

Don’t go in the water, or watch this, until at least a half hour after you’ve eaten.

It’s Tan Mom, Bitch.

Who am I?  Who are YOU?

Girl, pleez.  Fix yo’ face, tighten that weave, figure out how to do arismastik and put on your red bottoms…because we’re going dancing.

It’s time to get Gone With The Wind Fabulous, you Hood Rat Bitch.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta 2013 Anthem has arrived, and it is a veritable potpourri of Fierce and Fab and Freaky Deaky.

Who knew that one little patio throw down between Kenya Moore and Porsha Stewart would give birth to the next great auto-tuned dance tune?

Drag Queens, Gospel Singers, Toddlers, Beyoncé (…Keyoncé?…) and Lil’ Dick werkin’ his gas nozzle all collide in the just released Official Music Video.

And it’s a Kenyapalooza.

Step aside Kim Zolckiak and let Miss Kenya show you how it’s done.

Hold onto your synthetic wig as Key Key sings, poses and grinds her stuff all over the screen just like the true Diva she keeps saying she is…and still finds the time to poke a few of her fellow Housewives in the eye.

Oh, yeah.  She goes there, Phaedra.

Because she’s Gone With The Wind Fabulous.  And you’re not.

Twirl.

Trust me.

There’s enough Fabulousness in this video to keep you busy for a whole year.

All 265 days.

Now Dasher.  Now Dancer.  Now Prancer and Vixen!

On Comet.  On Cupid.  On Donder and Blitzen!

And Josiah, Makai, Maliah, Nariah, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Jonah and Noah!

And the other ones…

…Elijah, Joshua, Aidan, Caleb, Calyssa and Amerah.

That should cover it.

Wasn’t it just the other evening over cocktails when you lamented the fact that there was nobody out there carrying on the holiday traditions of the Osmond Family?

I know you were.

Nobody to give us some fresh, new holiday tunes to hum around the artificial tree while hanging 14 stockings on the mantel?  No squeaky clean kids wandering aimlessly in circles waiting for a bathroom to free up?

Well, it looks like Santa got your letter.

I give you The Roctuplets.

While Octomom Nadya Suleman was off rehabbing her addiction to Xanax and learning how to better handle exhaustion, stress, anxiety and porn movie royalty checks, her eight little nuggets were busy filming their first Holiday Music Video.

For realz.

With an assist from the six Original Recipe kids, the more famous eight just gave birth to the soon-to-be classic “I’m Ready for Christmas” and it is some seriously hot mess silver and gold to my ears.

Looking as though an adult accidently left their iPhone 5 just laying around with the camera app running, all 14 kids go completely mental spaz while lip synching amid what appears to be yet another day with no adult supervision.

Only this time there’s a Christmas tree in the room.  So it’s festive.

The Suleman posse is redoinkulously cute, in that glassy eyed vacant stare kind of way that TMZ seems to create, and they do seem to be having a hoot as they Jingle Jangle around in circles like someone just yelled “Fire” in a crowded theater.

And they’re probably pretty psyched that Mom’s dirty movie just paid for that new house.

Now I’m not a big fan of pimping out your kids to make extra bank, and hopefully Mom can figure out how to pay the rent without doing the nasty in a bathtub again.  But at least the kids have a roof over their head, so that’s gotta count as a Holiday Miracle.

Trust me.  Mom is certifiable.  I think the ladies of The View proved that a long time ago.

But the kids are just kids and deserve a break.

Plus the video is so bad it’s good.  You’ll never get those two minutes of your life back…but ’tis the season, right?

And it’s still less painful than sitting outside of Best Buy at 3am waiting for a Wii Fit.

Mom couldn’t be here, so she sends her Holiday Kisses.

Bow chick a bow wow.

Happy Black Friday.