DanThat'sCool!

“Bitch Stole My Look.”

Fresh off my Cee Lo Green head rush, I barely got the glitter out of my eyes before TLC unleashed another episode of Moms Living Their Lives Thru Their Babies, which for some reason TV Guide still insists on referring to as Toddlers & Tiaras.

I guess that One Year Until an Amber Alert was already taken by a competing cable access channel.  Snooze you lose.

That sound you hear is all of  New Jersey thanking the Reality Gods for the one hour a week that the attention is redirected from Snooki & Teresa and sent down South on a tractor to Mackenziiiiiiiie and Alaskaaaaaaaa.  (Yes, that is exactly how all glitz babies are to be introduced on stage.  One big drama filled breath and then a long fizzle out at the end of each contestant’s 3-5 syllable name.  Practice at home for your next Sales Meeting.  Way better than Power Point.)

Big hair.  Bigger tans.  Even bigger Moms.  This show has been called a Mess.  Can’t Look Away.  So Wrong In So Many Ways.  I guess some people just don’t appreciate hooching up a 5 year old like Mom does.  I’m thinking that Momma Coulda Been doesn’t realize that at some point in the future, when sitting at the fold out table in the trailer going thru the estate papers, these little sugar buzzed girls are going to find that shoe box full of VHS tapes, and watch Mom say “She could have done better and been prettier and smiled more.  She did ok in Glitz, but forgot half her age inappropriate routine.  I didn’t really expect her to win Miss Grand Pre-pube Supreme Pepperoni Deep Dish anyway.  There were alot of much prettier girls there today.”

This series has been reviewed so often, that I have to thank all those who have come before me for making my job so easy.  All I have left to do is marvel at this world of Low Self Esteem Pageantry.  I feel bad for the babies.  I feel even worse for the left over siblings back at home sitting on the velour-ish couches from the Liquidation Outlet, while Mom and Dad spend what would have been their college fund to get SaraLooooooou a flipper.  You totally know the couch I am talking about.  Is that velveteen or what is that? It’s that fabric that gives you couch wedgies because your pants don’t move as you slide down to grab the Pringles can that fell off the coffee table.  That fabric.  Someone should figure out how to line the highway breakdown lanes with that stuff, and no one would ever hit the guard rails anymore.  Safety first.

But you know who I really feel bad for?  The hotel staff.  It’s about time someone spoke up for all the little people who are left in the sparkle dust when even littler Miss Super Uber Preemie Niblet takes her 5 foot trophy and goes home all packed up in 7 of those plastic Christmas ornament tubs from Target.

Seriously.  Someone has to clean all the spray tan spooge off the shower tiles. Someone has to pick up 97 empty Pixy Stix straws with one wet end wiped in MAC lip gloss. Someone had to set up 500 chairs in the Ballroom for an event that never has more than 61 attendees.  (Why do they keep doing that?  Honestly.  I dare you.  Count how many empty chairs are in next week’s episode.)  Someone has to wipe 9 cans of Aqua Net scum off the headboards.  (There’s a Charlie Sheen joke in there somewhere, but I’ll save it for later….)

The only thing that these poor staffers have to look forward to is the bank they are going to make bringing all those empty Mountain Dew cans to the Redemption Center.

Hold up.  Come to think of it…that’s waaaay better than the $200 Miss Grand Stripper Pole In My Future Cause Daddy Left Us Supreme is going to score.

Get me the Ramada on the phone.

Raise your hand if you over sing every song.

I need to know what Mall sells Cee Lo Green clothes, and I need to know now.           And then I want a gift card.

Don’t get me wrong.  I like this show.  Great concept.  Great music.  Great theatrics. Great production value.  Enough strobes, lasers and special effects to warrant a warning for anyone susceptible to seizures.  (A wise man once said “Never skimp on lighting” when setting up your TV show.)

But sometimes I forget it’s about actually finding The Voice, thanks to bad fashion choices and a couple bags full of crazy.

The initial concept and audition episodes were cool.  I want one of those Captain Kirk Star Trek chairs.  How sweet would that be in the double wide?  Swivel to the TV, back to the dorm fridge, back to the TV.  Spin a 180 when you lose interest in the conversation and just need to look away.  I hope they sell those at the same Mall with the Cee Lo Glitter Collection.

Poor Carson Daly.  A decade after TRL he still doesn’t know what to do with his left hand while sounding out the big words on the teleprompter.  If it’s not shoved in his pocket like a nervous groom, it’s doink doink doinking every syllable like a high school chorus conductor.  Put a sock puppet on, or figure it out.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love me some Christina.  Have every CD and remix.  That girl can jam.  And wail.  And wail some more.  But I’m starting to miss the days when she used to…I don’t know…sing?  Somewhere in America there’s a Frat House full of dudes in boxers taking a shot every time she slides up into the vocal rafters.  Hit me.  And aren’t you supposed to take out one weave before you clip in a different track?  I need to research that one.  And how does she not know her actual dress size after all these years?  And how does she not get all that lipstick on her teeth?  And does Paula Abdul write some of her wandering commentary?  Who cares.  I love me some Christina.  I swear.  She can do no wrong.

Blake Shelton is textbook non-blinking nice to the bone Nashville.  You know he cries when he watches TV.

Adam Levine is just cool.  Nobody can rock a slim cut suit like that dude.

And then there’s Cee Lo.  I need to find that Mall.  Now.  And props for the shades.  I can’t even wear my 2 for $20 kiosk sunglasses on a cloudy day without bumping into a police call box, but this guy is able to judge a show in a pitch dark studio.  I’m thinking he also wears them when he is making some wardrobe choices, but he has somehow turned that into a moneymaker.  If I wasn’t so jealous of Adam’s suits I might actually consider a velour running suit and 40 pounds of bling.

If you spin around backwards in your Star Trek chair and just listen to the show, it really still is about some serious pipes.  These finalists can actually sing.  The boys in the booth keep it moving…the show is fast paced and didn’t drag on for 16 weeks.  Seems like the season just started and they are already crowning a winner.  The set may sometimes light up like a bad acid trip, but the show is an iTunes goldmine.  So that makes it cool in my book.

I can’t wait for Season Two.

This is a MUST HAVE app.

End of story.

If you live in a major city, immediately delete all your Mobile Apps, and install this one.

shopkick is my all time favorite, hands down.

As soon as I walk out the door and begin my wanderings through Boston, this App is turned on.  Just by elbowing my way thru tourists looking for the Freedom trail and walking into my favorite stores, I can score deals and rewards.  I know it sounds too good to be true, but it works.  You’re going there anyway…so hell yeah, why not get rewarded for it?  It’s a check-in App that does all the work for you.

There are loads of ways to score with this App.  Thru some kind of Star Trekish signal in your mobile phone, the App picks up on where you are and allows you to score points & rewards (Kicks and Kickbucks).  Yeah…it’s a little Big Brother, I know.  But when Big Brother gives me FREE Best Buy gift cards…well, he can climb a ladder, look in my bedroom window and put the pictures on Facebook, thank you very much.

Walk into a selected store.  Get Kicks.

Check into a store on the list.  Get more Kicks.

Scan promoted items.  Get even more Kicks.

Redeem the Kicks for some very DanCool stuff.  iTunes cards, store gift cards and other things that will bring out your greedy side.  The whole process is dumbed down, too. Once you qualify for the rewards, they show up on your phone.  Show the code to the cashier and BAM!…they are filling a shopping bag with free loot.  The hardest part of the process is handing over my shiny iPhone for the transaction. Nobody touches my baby.

You can check my W2.  I’m not employed by their marketing department.  The App just works.  And I have a couple Benjamins worth of Best Buy stash to back it up.

Major cities are on board, with many more to come.  Loads of retail outlets are included, and new ones seem to show up every time I turn the thing on.  Check out their site and see if your city or stores are on the list.  Then put this on your phone.

Then buy me something.