Archive for July 3rd, 2011

Buh Bye to Seaside Heights…

Sunday, July 3rd, 2011








…and to your dignity.







Sorry to make you spit out that mouthful of July 4 fried dough, but Obama and that whole default on America’s loan thing has been knocked off the Twitter trending list.

As you may or may not have noticed on the CNN crawl, Vinny has left the petri dish referred to as the Jersey Shore House.  I know, right?  Why me, Gawd?  But I’m thinking that if you are even a quasi-regular reader of this little blog thang, then you may have chosen not to pay Comcast for any news channels, so let me bring you up to speed.

Vinny G.Something is the Jersey Shore cast member who can’t hold his liquor or his tan.  He is so NOT cool that he has almost come full circle back to Cool, and thus I feel required to acknowledge his hissy fit and give him a preemie DanCool.  He has been living in everyone else’s bigger, greasier shadows since Season One…which may explain why he never got any sun, I guess…and it seems to have finally gotten to him.

Seeing as how the Young Guido Knight had not cracked a smile since the whole cast showed up on The Wendy Williams Show 2 seasons ago (“How You Doin’?”) and painfully played some odd GTL game, Vinny was destined to burn up on reentry. Every episode he sorta sulks and lurks in the background, like a Pixar movie that suddenly decides to add one more toy to the scene in post-production but forgets to give it a back story.  The people who proudly claim to be “close to the actors”, which is kind of a creepy thought on its own merit, say Vinny was homesick.

Homesick?  Hold up.  I may have skipped one or two Geography classes in Junior High, but can’t you pretty much see Staten Island from the roof deck in Seaside Heights?  Even with beer goggles on you could probably see one of the Mob Wives throwing down from any of those railings.  What level of Momma’s Boy gets that homesick for his Cowboy Curtains when you could take a yellow cab home faster than those Android commercial guys can load an HD movie onto their new cell?  Seriously, dude?

Oh…and he was “burned out.”  Not having to hold down a real job for 5 years can do that to a person, I guess.  Now I’m not trying to get on his bad side.  Remember, I just gave him a little DanCool rating.  Even tho he’s the skinny one, I have no doubt that he could get all Jerry Springer on my butt.  So chill, Vinerino.

But whoa.  You just walked out on your meal ticket.  Not mention your bar tab and that shiny Juiced ‘R Us Gold Card.  By no means am I pretending to be the Authority on All Things Seaside.  Full disclosure, I haven’t even watched every episode.  At least I don’t think I have.  It’s hard to tell.  Every time I flip to the MTV Jersey Shore video loop the storyline feels vaguely familiar.  A gelled up Groundhog Day with a spray tan. But I’m pretty sure Vinny was miserable every time.

And now he’s gone.  He took his sippy cup and left.  No dignity, but enough cab fair to get home in time for Ma’s Ravioli.

Hopefully this whole thing can get ironed out before Congress comes back early to figure out the future of our country.  CNN is way too many clicks away from MTV on my cable box.

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