Archive for July 5th, 2011

Why Can’t Bravo Housewives Balance Their Checkbooks?

Tuesday, July 5th, 2011

 

 

 

 

 

“Now where did I put that $19 Mil?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As the glow of the July 4 fireworks fade away like Vinny G.Something’s Jersey tan, we have just enough time for one last Patriotic history lesson.

John Adams, the second President of our great country, in all his wisdom once wrote “People and nations are forged in the fires of adversity.”  I’m pretty certain that as he dipped his quill all those years ago, George Washington’s successor probably had no idea that he was foreshadowing both the legacy of his descendants as well as story boarding the plot for every Bravo Housewives franchise to come.

Cut to 2011.  Sonja Morgan, one of the random Real Housewives of New York City, is the latest Housewife to cry bankruptcy thru her waterproof Chanel liner.  Her ex husband John Adams Morgan (I know, right?) is apparently holding out on the alimony goods and she is starting to sweat it out.  (If the name didn’t give it away, yes…he is a descendant of Mr. President.  Der.)

So Sonja is $19.8 Million in debt.  Don’t move your cursor back.  You read it right.  $19.8 Million.  With an M.  And an illion.

How does that happen exactly?  I mean.  Really.  Explain this one to me. I might need pictures.   Though it doesn’t give me bragging rights, it’s well documented that I could easily participate in any Learning Annex Seminar on Check Floating vs. Check Bouncing.  But even I would probably notice something was up before I crossed that fine line between getting turned down for a Cumberland Farms Slim Jim and waking up $19.8M in the hole.

And now she is frettin’ that she might have to sell her $6 Million home.  Again, with an M and an illion.  All because he won’t hand over a $3M lump sum and some pesky back pay.  To add insult to injury, he has also set up some kind of Petco electric fence which keeps her from wandering onto the grass on their two other homes in Colorado and France.  Allegedly, of course.  Relax, Andy Cohen.  I said allegedly.

So this season, while Sonja and the other 6 crazies were camel riding and whining and pino grigio-ing (it’s a real word, because I just said it, thank you.) it seems The Ex was off on his $19M island, which according to Google is spitting distance from Stamford, CT.  Who knew Connecticut had private islands?  Can you see them from the Farmington Mall?  Maybe from the second floor Pottery Barn?  Is he a Presidential descendant or one of the Cassadines from General Hospital?  I want a private island too.  No fair.

I would also love to see the job application to be a Bravo Housewife.

Do you over spend?  Check.  Is your husband a Tool?  Check.  Do you plan on filing for bankruptcy?  Check.  Why do you want this job?  For the Check.

Maybe I’m nit picking, Sonja, but if I was crying bankruptcy I might think about searching Monster.com instead of shopping outdoor markets in Morocco.  Maybe that’s just me. Or maybe it’s because you didn’t buy me anything. When you’re already staring down a bigger Black Hole than Captain Kirk ever got sucked into, would a shot glass or camel paper weight have killed you?

Remove Sonja from my Holiday Card List.  Check.

 


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