Archive for July 17th, 2011

Jenny From The Block(ed) 405

Sunday, July 17th, 2011







“Make. This. Be. Over.”




Poor Jennifer Lopez.

I’m pretty certain that JLo was the only person within the entire Hollywood/LA radius who lit a candle Friday night in the hopes that Carmageddon hit full force as predicted by Ashton Kutcher and his twit friends.  Forty eight hours of Independence Day-worthy traffic jams, car on top of car, with panic stricken residents shattering Best Buy windows and snatching the latest Samsung 3D plasmas would be a nice distraction from the public implosion of her marriage this weekend.  Will Smith jumping from hood to hood on the 405 to save the world could certainly have kept a good chunk of entertainment show hosts from analyzing how Marc Anthony had not smiled once in any photo taken with his wife since mid-2008.  A real smile.  Not the crazy eyed kind you give when someone asks to see your new braces.

Well, the 405 Y2K iPhone 5 thing never quite happened this weekend.  Hope you didn’t invest too much of next week’s paycheck in those “I Survived…” t-shirts.  To add insult to injury, the country’s debt ceiling discussions are currently more clogged up than that same LA Highway, so it appears that Jennifer Lopez is taking the Hot Topic hit right between her L’Oreal lashed eyes.  The hens on The View are probably chomping at the bit for Monday’s show.

Looks like JLo’s 2011 Media Overload Tour finally convinced Marc to pull the emergency ripcord and jump out of that plane before it crashed.  Or maybe Jenny From The Chopping Block pushed him out of the plane.  It kind of depends on which magazine you pick up, though both of them had enough reason to pilot that thing straight into the Andes.

It was always that slightly odd marriage.  It immediately caused all those in Hollywood with foreheads still loose enough to actually raise an eyebrow, to do so when it first took place.  The Glamazon and the Quirky Guy love story works really well for Disney On Ice presents Beauty And The Beast, but not so much the Grammys Red Carpet Show.

Unfortunately, in all the years they were together, Marc never managed to salsa dance his way more than one third of the way out from behind her curvaceous shadow.  They always tried to put on a united front, hugging twin babies and all, but it never quite worked out as planned.  There are seemingly unending reasons why.  Like her or not, that girl is gor-ge-ous, has never worn a single item off the sale rack, and has never had a bad hair day.  Her shelves are lined with trophies, statues, gold records and decoupaged magazine covers.  Ok, granted…maybe not an Oscar.  Definitely not an Oscar.  But as I can attest to from some uncomfortable Junior High years, being pretty and knowing how to dance can cover a multitude of sins.  Trust me, it got me through many an awkward Friday night dance in the cafetorium.

Add to that the 24/7 Lopez Blitz which was rebooted with her gazillion million dollar contract for American Idol, and it’s no wonder the JLo tornado took out Marc’s 98 pounds in one high end trailer park sweep.  A Latin American Acela Train with no brakes blowing right past Reconciliation Station.

The rumor mill factories are on triple shift production scheduling right now.  Some say it’s because JLo is about to go topless in a new movie or two, and Marc doesn’t want to start sharing all of that with us.  Umm.  Raise your hands right now if you even remember a time when she was not sharing all that with us?  If you have a photo of JLo in a Target hoodie or Lands End wool turtleneck, hit me up on my Sidekick.  Seriously, Marc?

Then there is the gossip blip that she has already hooked up with her current Music Video Boy du Jour!  “Love on the Beach?”  And the picture of JLo sipping wine!  “Has the Divorce driven her to drink?”  And now she has to come back to Idol!  “Broke Jennifer Lopez needs the money now!”

I know, right?  Something tells me that JLo is not spending her Sunday afternoon sitting on the living room floor cutting coupons out of the NYTimes.

There was also some dirt about Marc somewhere, but I forget where I saw it.  Poor guy.  He doesn’t stand a chance.

Yeah.  Carmageddon would have been a nice distraction for Mr. and Mrs. Lopez.  On top of taking the kids to Costco, they have been feverishly working side by side on a new Latino-ish Idol-ish Voice-ish competition show, as recently over hyped by Giuliana Rancic on every E! commercial bumper.  It was supposed to herald the post-Ricky Martin Latino retaking of America.  Umm.  Before you emboss the business cards you might want to ask Eva Longoria how that’s been working out lately.

Unless Godzilla swims the Pacific and jumps the remaining 405 bridge soon, this thing ain’t going anywhere.


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