DanThat'sCool!

It’s like all my blog posts have collided.

Mob Wives, Crazy Pageant Moms, RuPaul’s Drag Race, Galleria Mall fashions and Jersey Housewives all got crammed into one exceptionally sturdy bathing suit in the latest video from comic John Roberts.

John became an overnight youtube sensation with his spot on imitations of his Brooklyn Mom.  You either get it or you don’t.

You either know someone like this, you are related to someone like this, you live next to someone like this…

…or you are this person.

Check out all his videos…but don’t splash me, I just did my hair.

You say mediocre like it’s a bad thing.

It is.  Google it.

Who you calling Googley eyes?

Otherwise, yeah…It All Ends Here.

At least that’s what my TV Guide said when it listed the title of this week’s Dance Moms, but after sitting through another jazz handed hour of Abby Lee Miller’s pearlized eye shadow and smoke ‘em if you got ‘em demoralizing screams I think it was either a typo or they just couldn’t muster up the nerve to watch the episode before the issue went to print.

Nothing ended.  Unless they were talking about that National Starbound Competition thing, but I didn’t think anyone actually watched the show for the dancing part.  My bad.

After a discouraging showing in Hollywood for Regionals or Almost Nationals or whatever it was called last time…(Can someone explain to a novice how they keep track of these things? The whole season has been the Show Before The Show Performance…) Abby’s Greyhound Bus Tour Company pulled up to Lake Tahoe, full of  sleepy headed girls and Gosselin headed women.

Well, actually only one now, because Chaos Cathy and her Candy Apple Sticks all slunk home to the Evil Dance Studio in Ohio to lick their wounds and plot the next chapter in their nefarious revenge vendetta against Abby, which left Kelly the only one representing the outdated Kate Cut.  With all the time spent on that bus she couldn’t flip through a hair cut magazine?  For real?

Everything is bigger and brighter at Nationals including, apparently, the spotlight that the cameras used during the one on one confessional shots.  Seriously, I can’t be the only one who noticed that.  My eyes were burning as those lights ricocheted off Abby’s Bare Minerals eyelids.  Flattering isn’t the first word that came to mind.

Memo to the Lifetime camera crew:  Make sure you return that ginormous beam of light to Gotham City when you’re done with it…Batman needs it back on the rooftop.  Holy Blind Spot.

So they make it to Lake Tahoe in one piece and stumble into the rehearsal studio to sit through another Pretty Pyramid reveal.  Even Abby seemed tired of rating the little pipsqueaks by how poorly they dance and how average they are, so she whipped through the unveiling in record time.  I thought someone in the front row was going to get a paper cut the way she snatched that construction paper off the mirror.

Let me guess.  Little Maddie with the chiclet smile is on top.  She is a patootie, and showed that she is a real trooper last time when she didn’t win (I know, right?) and was happy that someone else got the trophy.  Too bad her mom is a hot mess.

After not going to the Hollywood competition so she could slip away and knock boots with her boyfriend, Melissa decided to show up in Tahoe.  The other Moms have already made it clear how they feel about Melissa not being there to support her daughters, and continue to subtly infer that by doing the nasty she is guaranteeing her boyfriend will foot the bill for another semester at Abby’s studio.  Point shoes ain’t cheap.

Everyone is dancing at Nationals, even the unpretty ones at the bottom of the pyramid.  Maddie gets another solo. Brooke and Paige get to do a Sister Act duet providing Mom Kelly doesn’t flip out again, and little Chloe gets to duet with pint sized diva Maddie.

Chloe is another cutie, but is always in Maddie’s toothy shadow and wakes up a little more insecure every morning.  She has a quirky little sideways mouth, and because she has kind of close together Cabbage Patch doll eyes, she always looks like she is halfway through losing one false eyelash.  But we love her, and her Mom Christi don’t take no crap from nobody no way no sir, and always comes to her defense since Abby would step on any of the girls to get to Maddie.  Chloe starts to think that maybe she needs a break from dancing, and that kind of comes back to haunt her during one performance later on when she forgets where she is and kind of chills out on stage for a minute before she gets her groove back.

To start the 5 days in Tahoe out on the right foot, Abby herds all the Moms into a Survivor Circle of Doom and calls out each kid for their weaknesses and inability to remember any dance moves.  I wasn’t really as put off by Abby’s rants and humiliation tactics as much as I was by the fact that they were out there for 5 days.

I mean, really.  Tell me the most lucrative job out there isn’t the neighborhood kid who gets paid to feed the cats while these Moms are galavanting around the country.  When was the last time they were home?  Or, I don’t know..worked, maybe?  Tell me that kid isn’t making some serious bank.  There is either one gigantic bowl full of dry Friskies in the middle of the kitchen floor, or that kid has half his tuition saved up already.  Sign me up.

During the Circle of Doom Kelly has yet another melt down over her kids not getting the attention that Maddie receives at the studio.  Abby counter punches with some smack about Kelly’s kids being slow and mediocre.  Kelly is proud they are mediocre.  I mean, why have any lofty goals for your kids?  That just puts undo pressure on them throughout their lives.  Just let them settle for ok…the Mall is always hiring.

Of course it gets heated, and Kelly’s eyes get as wild as her hair, and the whole thing turns into another string of (bleep) this and (bleep) that as Kelly demonstrates more stellar role modeling.  At least this time she managed to flip out when the kids weren’t in the room.  Mom’s whacky eye gene must have skipped a generation, because Brooke and Paige didn’t inherit the look, and instead have their Dad’s vacant, soul sucked out of me, lifeless blank eyes.  Or maybe it’s the fact that they have to listen to their Mom go off like a trailer park bottle rocket everyday.  They need a hug.

Abby shuttles all the girls off to the lake under the pretense of chilling out, but turns it into a stretching workshop and she somehow manages to turn a perfect sunny day into yet another dance rehearsal, but this time with fresh air for a change.

Instead of learning math or spelling, after another rehearsal the Moms take all the kids bowling.  Two days in Tahoe must have been enough for Melissa, because she announces that she is dumping her kids with Abby & Co and heading off to Florida with her boyfriend.  Again.

Damn, girl.  Getting some more boy action…leaving your kids alone again?  Amazing stamina and no parenting skills.  Inspirational.

Before she takes off she might want to make sure she unplugs her GPS, because somehow her ex-husband just tracked her down in this random Lake Tahoe bowling alley.  No lie.  In walks the first whiff of testosterone this show has seen all season.  The Ex.  Kurt.  All macho and not at all happy Melissa is leaving the kids with no parents.  For some reason he makes Maddie nervous and it gets a little awkward when he gives the kind of hug that a person gives when they don’t know how to hug.  He announces that he is parking his Ford Bronco outside and is not leaving until the competition is over.

In an effort to get more rehearsing done, and to make sure that Kelly blows another nutty, Abby pulls in some random Guest Choreographer to work with Brooke and Paige, while Maddie gets full on attention from Abby and her #1 choreographer.  The poor Guest Choreographer didn’t even have a name.  Just Guest Choreographer.  GC on his baseball hat I bet, but he was only on screen for 4 seconds so I couldn’t tell for sure.  Right on cue, Kelly melted down and unleashed more trash talk while Abby sat on the other side of the wall.  Always a class act, Abby tossed it right back, but in a louder decibel.

They both continued screaming at each other through the wall, like old men yelling out second floor windows in some Italian North End neighborhood.  Apparently neither of them happened to notice that the kids they were screaming about were actually in the room.  The lights dimmed another watt in every girls’ eyes as the Abby Soul Sucking machine did its job.

Nia’s Mom Holly managed to walk in front of the camera once or twice to get some face time.  Hope she gets paid by the episode and not the line, because that was the extent of her participation this week.

When we finally get to the competition, Kelly still can’t let it go.  The other girls get fancy custom made costumes.  Her kids get Mall clothes.  While she was at The Galleria I hope she picked up some Visine and a comb.  Just saying.

Kurt tries to infiltrate the Inner Circle during hair & makeup but is shooed away by Abby.  No Boys Allowed.  That, and the fact that she claims he makes Maddie nervous and he’s a lug nut and blah to the blah.  He’s not as wired as the Moms, but could still hold his own with Abby.  He blames Dance for ruining his marriage.  Abby blames him for being a doof.  She made Maddie famous.  She did that.  He wants to yank  Maddie out of the Abby Lee Compound next year.  It went on and on.

Then there was actual dancing.

Abby’s girls won the Big Dawg title.  They redeemed themselves.  Everyone was happy for about 38 seconds before Abby has something to say.

Taking a cue from Steve Jobs and his “One More Thing” Apple Event finales, Abby claws her way out of the group hug to announce that they are all back tracking to Hollywood for something special.

Again?  TV Guide said it all ends here.  Seriously?

That kid who feeds the cat just bought a Mercedes.

ohmygod.

ohmygod.

ohmygod.

Did you see where there is a new remake of Charlie’s Angels out on TV right now?  Same storyline, kinda sorta, with fancier people and fancier clothes.  If they can mess with one television classic, they should totally mangle a second one and remake The Jeffersons.

You remember the show.  The one about the crazy couple with a whacky maid and odd ball friends who have a seemingly unending wad of cash in the back room and always found themselves in drama filled predicaments?  They should totally remake that show and…

Oh.  Never mind.  Someone already did.  It’s called The Rachel Zoe Project. 

Now if you are too young to remember The Jeffersons…One…you should be doing your homework and not online anyway.  And Two…thanks for clicking on my site, but you can run along now.

For the rest of you, think about it.  You tell me that Bravo TV didn’t just clone The Jeffersons in some petri dish in the same lab that they keep growing Real Housewives.

Rachel is Weezy, the frazzled wife whose husband makes her bonkers.  Rodger with a D is George Jefferson, the bumbling husband who is always underfoot but was rarely actually seen working.  Joey is Florence the sassy Maid, all full of snaps and divaliciousness, who loved to point out people’s flaws.  And then there was that bug eyed British guy Bentley who was always around bumping into things and getting the door slammed in his face, and eventually written out of the series.  Sound familiar, Jeremiah?  And the dry cleaner store that George owned was packed full of clothes in plastic garment bags on miles of rolling racks.  And we even got to see The Jeffersons Movin’ on Up to the East Side, just like Rachel and Rodger did this week.

I’m not making this up.  Find the VHS tapes at some flea market while you’re out leaf peeping this Fall.  It’s the same show.

Ban-na-nas.

So this week Rachel finally agreed to unlock Rodgers ankle monitor and allow him go to Las Vegas with his Boys, since he felt that it was the last chance he would ever have at true happiness once Rachel gives birth to the Chosen One.  Apparently never having held a baby, known people with actual babies or even having seen a real live one before, Rodger is under the assumption that his life is ending as soon a Rachel’s sparkling water breaks.  Since it is Superbowl Weekend, the National Holiday of Real Men, Rodger suddenly gets the mid-life crisis need to get his macho on and do the Vegas thing one more time.

After one last drama filled back flop onto the bed, Rachel lets him leave for a whole 24 hours.  Count ‘em.  You can test drive a car longer than Rodger is allowed out of her radar.

The benefit to Rachel with this Vegas trip, aside from the implied don’t return if you’re not bearing gifts, is that she gets a sleep over with her faaaaaaabulous Hair Diva BFF Joey, complete with Orville Redenbacher and the bonus disc Twilight blu ray set.

O.  M.  G.  I died a little.

Nothing says Girl’s Night In like learning how to use the microwave and watching Joey spread his legs like a showgirl on the kitchen counter.  You might want to hose that down before you cut your veggies next time, Rachel.  Didn’t need to see that.

Rodger’s trip to Vegas was a cross between The Hangover, Jersey Shore and a Palms casino travel brochure.  After about 27 exterior shots of the hotel…ok, we get it…The Palms.  Fancy, and they comped your trip…we got to see Rodger and his Boys eat, drink, try to out gross each other with child birth visuals, look at stripper tail and gamble.  That and a Jersey “Whaddup…?” every time one of the Boys entered the room.

Get as beefy as you want, dude.  You still have hat hair and wear too many scarves.

The next morning, after some eggs and more “Whaddups…?” the guys all watch the game.  Rodger checks in with his parole officer, but she is busy shopping with Joey.  Like any housewife without a Craft Room in the basement, Rachel goes to the Mall on Superbowl Sunday.  That’s just how it’s done, America.

Since Rodger is still groggy from doing loads of things he can’t remember doing, he sends the hotel concierge off to pick up a little designer sumthin sumthin to present to the Queen as a token of gratitude for his 24 hour release.  Did anyone else notice that even though Rodger was completely Rush Week Wasted and probably slept upside down on the bed with one shoe on, his hair didn’t look any different than it does any other day?

Seriously.  He could have just wrapped another Burberry around his neck, grabbed his keys and gone out the door to Fashion Week.  How does he get his hair to do that?  I’m totally googling it after I finish writing this riveting synopsis.

Superbowl ad revenue almost lost its first place standing dollar for dollar compared to what Rachel and Joey dumped at the vintage store during the game.  Hopefully they saved enough money to pick up an inhaler or two at CVS on the way home, because they could barely breath when they started showing off their purchases to Mandana Madonna Mandingo or whatever her name is this week.  Everyone pronounces it differently, so I give up.  Regardless, they all went up an octave during the unbagging ceremony, and probably all went out for a smoke after it was over, if you know what I mean.

Jeremiah was on non-blinking, face rubbing over load as he tried to complete the designing, purchasing and delivery of all the furniture and chotskies for Rachel’s new home.  She gave him a whopping whole day to do it all, so I don’t know why he was stressing out so much.  Decked out in a snappy Indiana Jones meets 1920s Newspaper Editor hat, Jeremiah spiked his blood pressure for the entire episode looking for merch, scheduling shipping that was guaranteed to be late and generally getting bad skin.  He truly is Brad 2.0 straight off the factory assembly line.

Now I don’t know where Jeremiah was shopping, or if maybe Rachel Zoe’s name carries more clout than mine does, but somehow dude walked into every store and got overnight delivery on even the most elaborate custom made leather items.  Excuse me, but when I went to my local Design Within Reach they told me that I would have to wait a week just for the catalog to be reprinted and delivered to the store, yet somehow Jeremiah hyperventilated his way into delivery by 5pm.  I knew I should have started having a camera crew follow me everywhere I go, but my friends said it would be to self indulgent.

Before Jeremiah blacked out we got to see one little snippet of a scene with Rachel taping a lipstick endorsement infomercial.  It would be pretty insignificant except for the classic Rodger line stating that Rachel is super pregnant (as opposed to regular pregnant like the rest of the world…) and that she shouldn’t be working that hard today.  Then we see Rachel sitting in a chair trying to spit out her memorized lines.

Yeah, you might want to take it easy Rachel.  Sitting in a chair, trying to speak and having someone apply lipstick to your mouth must be wearing on you.  If you can shop all Superbowl Sunday, I’m thinking you can suck up another 30 minutes on that comfy chair.

The Jeffersons…I mean the Zoes…finished off the episode by going into hiding at a hotel while the rest of Team Zoe busted their backs getting the new house ready.  (Newsflash: Lincoln freed the slaves.)  They lounged around flaunting their Apple products and calling designer Michael Kors, who put a cryptic Gay Uncle Voodoo Curse on her unborn child and pretty much willed the baby into not liking girls.

Since Jeremiah apparently used the same guy who runs the 7-11 Convenience Store to deliver Rachel’s furniture, it took a few cell calls to get the truck to show up.  The delivery was late, Jeremiah’s ears got red and he yanked his hair a lot.  I’m starting to sense a pattern in his behavior.

Hope they at least got free Slushies for the inconvenience.

Joey floated by in his Glinda bubble to harass Jeremiah before the trucks came, sucking on his empty Starbucks straw like that mean kid chewing his Juice Box on the playground.  He does love to spook Jeremiah.  It’s not much of a challenge, but it still looks fun.  Indiana Jones was short handed, and no one was helping him prep for the deliveries.  I guess the 17 Bravo camera men must have bad backs.

Through the magic of TV and Ty Pennington, the trucks showed up, the mansion was decorated and George and Wheezy loooooooved the results.

Movin’ on Up is the way to go.