DanThat'sCool!

You wish, boys.

OMG. That’s my real hair? Lawd have mercy.

You might want to be Tardy for this Party. Just sayin’.

Oh hell, no.

Lawd help Andy Cohen the next time he runs into Sheree Whitfield or Phaedra Parks in the Bravo TV cafeteria.

Would you want to be in his Ferragamos when he runs into those two Georgia peaches and has to explain why they didn’t make the cut for this week’s ATL Special?  I dare you.

As a little teaser and refresher course for next week’s Season Premiere, The Real Housewives of Atlanta: Before They Were Stars slapped us all in the face with enough sass, bad hair and “OhNoSheDin’t” NeNe-isms to guarantee that DVRs all across America are now set on Series Record.

Combining all the best re-enactment production stylings that Bravo could steal from 60 Minutes, E! True Hollywood Story and I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant without getting sued, they gave us a look into where some of our favorite ATL Housewives came from and…well…why they ended up like they are now.

Tastefully deciding to not subtitle the opening credits with “…except Sheree and Phaedra, who aren’t interesting enough…” the special focuses on over the top Housewives NeNe Leakes, Kim Zolciak, Kandi Burruss and Cynthia Bailey.  That last one must really have Sheree grinding her jaw given the fact that Cynthia and all her financial drama just showed up this past season, and apparently already eclipsed Sheree’s Community Theater acting career.

NeNe sez “Oh Snap.”

You knew right from the opening graphics, which were an odd mix of The Brady Bunch and any random ’80s sitcom of your choosing, that this was going to be classic Housewives.  After a summer away from the girls, everything seemed even more outrageous and expensive.

NeNe seemed even more NeNe.  Nobody loves NeNe more than NeNe loves NeNe.

Kandi’s crazy laugh still exploded out like a homegirl sitting on the stoop with her boom box, but even crazier now.  She’s still all wide eyed and fabulous.  She “owns this city.”

If that’s true, maybe she could do something to fix that nasty school system cheating scandal that was just exposed.  For real.  Google it or turn on CNN when Housewives is over.  It shouldn’t be my job to keep you up on current affairs…it’s Anderson Cooper’s.

Cynthia seemed prettier, except when they kept flashing back to her in no make up.  Yikes, thanks but no thanks.

And Kim’s boobs seemed even bigger, if that is even gravitationally possible.

Seriously, Kim?  There’s underwire, and then there’s the cable they use for suspension bridges.

NeNe sez “Girl, please.  Get real.”

Between NeNe, Cynthia and Kandi there were enough whacky friends and family members giving testimonials to fill an Atlanta arena.

If the arena was hosting the TV Land Good Times, Cosby Show, 227 Reunion Convention, that is.

Girrrl, please.

Memo to Bravo: Kandi’s Momma Joyce and Uncle Bebo and anyone else falling out of that family tree needs to be immediately given their own show.  I know times are financially tough, but it would be the best and cheapest show to produce.  Ever.  I swear.

Just prop a camera up around the kitchen table and walk away.  I guarantee you television gold.

Plus the money that you save on production costs for The Joyce & Bebo Show could be used to replenish the supply of push pins for the Bravo War Room Baby Daddy map, because I’m certain that you have to be running low after tagging every dude who ever knocked up an ATL Housewife and then left town.  For real.  The list went on and on tonight.  No wonder Momma gets all fidgety at dinner time.

My new ringtone is totally going to be Momma Joyce and “The Baby Daddy/Baby Momma Remix.”

NeNe sez “Close your legs…!”

But anyway.  The special followed each Housewife from their humble beginnings to their current OK! Magazine lifestyle.

NeNe relived her cheerleading years, her Sweetheart Trophy and 4H Club activities.  Since everyone in her family seems to share the same name, Aunt NeNe showed up to give us some insight into what our NeNe was like in school, and the tough period in her life when she was dealing with an abusive boyfriend.

In typical NeNe style, even when she was discussing a not so pleasant incident in her past, she made it fiercely clear that at the time she was wearing a pony tail weave that got pulled out.  Nobody touches NeNe’s weave.

Kim’s early years were typically Navy Brat, moving from town to town.  When they finally settled down, she got herself kicked out of Catholic School.  Try to act surprised.  Most of Kim’s past involved wanting to be a dancer, which I found a little surprising since she can’t sing or dance according to any Pride Week Tardy for the Party lip synch I’ve ever witnessed on the show.

I want to be an astronaut, but you don’t see me on the Shuttle, do you?

Without actually running an animated “Gold digger” crawl under Kim’s face, Bravo managed to point out that for quite some time she had no problem taking all of Big Poppa’s money, before suddenly switching gears and backing Kroy Biermann into a pregnant corner this year.

NeNe sez “Trailer trash.”

Cynthia was pretty much a text book story of getting discovered and becoming a high fashion model, with some step dad issues thrown in for good TV.

After pulling a George Jefferson and movin’ on up from the Projects to a nicer neighborhood, her life started to change.  She was the first Homecoming Queen at her school who was not pasty white, and when she was later competing with other Queens in some kind of pageant or whatnot, was spied by a rep for Willamina Modeling and the rest is Annie Leibovitz history.  Her modeling career was definitely more successful than her engagement career as she went through NBA players and Hollywood actors before settling down with Peter Thomas.

For those of you still trying to catch up, Peter is the man she just married last season in an extravagant Flintstone’s wedding under some massive dinosaur bones.  Can’t make this stuff up.

NeNe sez “Work it, girl.”

Kandi was the most legitimately famous of the girls before Andy Cohen laid the Housewives Golden Egg.  She beat boxed it out with her girls as part of the singing group Xscape and scored some Grammy trophies for her song writing.  I’m pretty sure she’s not on Beyonce’s speed dial, but Kandi did help keep Destiny’s Child on Billboard’s Top 100 long enough to hopefully get a Christmas card each year.

Not that it was a news flash by any means, but the special also touched on the fact that the Housewives like to talk and act and dress a little dirty some times.  From NeNe’s stripper days to Kandi’s instructions for sugar coating your HooHa, we were all reminded again why the kids need to go to bed before the show starts next week.  Thankfully Panasonic has not completely mastered Smell-o-Vision TV yet.

NeNe sez “Girl, you nasty.”

And now we just sit at home like Sheree and Phaedra, and wait for the new season of ATL to begin.  I don’t know about you, but I’ve got my snacks all ready.

Hold on to your wigs.  The Real Housewives of Atlanta is about to get all up in yo’ face again.

Bloop!

Thirty years ago Dermablend was created by a dermatologist as cosmetic skincare coverage for scars, skin discolorations due to illness or genetics, and spider veins.

Yeah.  Varicose veins.

Twenty years later Rick Genest decided that it would be neato to tattoo his entire body to look like a cadaver.

Yeah.  A dead body.

As Dermablend grew in popularity at cosmetic counters, doctor’s offices and website retailers, Rick’s popularity as a sideshow freak was also gaining him some internet attention.  Including a not so nice page set up specifically to call him out as a freak.

Yeah.  I guess that one backfired.

Rick now likes being called  Zombie Boy.  And I’m betting that he also likes being discovered by Lady Gaga, whose designer stumbled upon that not so nice page and turned Rick into an internet sensation.

After starring in Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” music video and doing some modeling, Zombie Boy is now part of a massive viral video advertising campaign for Dermablend.

Yeah.  Dermablend.  This one isn’t for your Grandma’s legs.

Regardless of your personal thoughts on tattoos, be they little butterflies or full body,  the Dermablend campaign is a must see piece of video art.  Based on the premise that you can’t judge a book by its cover, the ad more than lives up to its tag line.  Despite being a marketing tool, it has also started a world wide wedb discussion on what our own definitions of beauty are vs. what Madison Avenue tells us they should be.

Check out the Go Beyond The Cover site for even more of the story.

Who’s my little wittle fashion spawn? Yes, you are. Yes, you are. Muah.

I’m still your favorite cute baby boy, right?  Say it.

No. Like seriously. How do you see out of those things?

It sleeps.  It eats.

It has gas in Gucci and poops in Prada.

And I’m pretty certain it walks on water and gives sight to the blind.

It’s Baby Zoe, The Chosen One, and…OhMyGod…it might be cuter than Joey.

The Season Finale of The Rachel Zoe Project had it all.  Fashion drama.  Retail  drama.  And the kind of baby worshipping that Mankind has not seen since Mary and Joseph blessed that manger all those years ago.

After being the first woman to ever go through pregnancy…make that SuperPregnancy…and the first Muppet haired man to ever be an expectant father, Rachel and Rodger with a D were now officially a family.

Little Peanut Skyler Morrison Berman was home in his multi million dollar nursery, surrounded by loved ones and more bite sized designer wear than any full grown adult could ever dream of owning.

Seriously.  Did you see that room?  If all his teenie clothes were made of cheap cotton and (allegedly…) sewn by little Taiwanese children, you would swear that Skyler’s crib was sitting in the middle of some Beverly Hills Baby Gap.  Unless he has more daily wardrobe changes than a Cher Farewell Tour, that baby will outgrow half of those clothes before Mommy Zoe even gets around to cutting the tags off.  If I could fit in that crib I would totally take his place.

So for the first time in her life, Rachel gets to spoil a baby and wear a bra, and it seems that both of the experiences have her a little frazzled.

Because fashion never rests, it’s important that Rachel get right back to styling and being fabulous asap.  Anne Hathaway ain’t gonna dress herself, people.

And the only way to accomplish that is to carry Skyler with her wherever she goes like he’s her newest Chanel bag.  Lucky for everyone involved, the little nugget is still in the novelty stage, and hasn’t gotten to the point where he drives everyone crazy yet.  I give it a month.

Since Sky Sky French Fry is still in the newborn puppy stage, and can’t keep his head steady or eyes open long enough to pick out his own outfits, Rachel can dress him up as she chooses.  This is something that Rodger feels will eventually mentally scar him if she doesn’t find some manly clothes.  I don’t think a grown man who bases his own ensembles around a double knotted neck scarf is really the best judge of whether or not a French shawl collar sweater will keep his child away from women years from now, but hey…it’s not my kid.  I’d be more concerned about Uncle Joey if you’re asking my opinion.

The first Baby On Board photo shoot for Rachel’s resort line goes off without a hitch, though she does seem to mention her full bosom with every other sentence.  I suppose it’s like any new toy that you never had before, and the fact that Skyler is the first boy in her entourage that has ever shown any interest in lady parts, if you know what I mean.

Continuing on in the Zoe Tradition of waiting until the last minute for everything, Rachel has the opportunity to set up a store within a store at the local Bloomingdale’s, as a test run for a potential product roll-out.  And of course it is in less than two weeks, which is a total implausibility in the real Retail World.

Having served my time in retail, I can tell you that any store that puts up Christmas decorations two weeks before Halloween doesn’t suddenly decide to plop in a new vendor shop with 13 days notice.  Ain’t gonna happen.  Bloomingdale’s is probably already buying swimwear for Summer 2018, so I have my doubts on this one. But it makes for good TV, and also gives everyone another chance to watch Jeremiah sweat through his eye sockets.

Since Jeremiah’s claim to fame is most likely always going to be every which way spiky hair and that humiliating “Former Styling Assistant” tagline that followed his every move for two episodes, he had nothing to lose by offering to help out Mandana BoBanna Fanna design the Rachel Zoe Shop for Bloomingdale’s.  Though she knows absolutely zero about retail real estate and floor planning and Home Depot, Mandana still plays with Jeremiah’s head as they discuss the project.  She’s like one of those annoying house cats that always swats at things just because they can.

With a supportive “Don’t F*** it up” she sends him scurrying off to source materials, with nothing more to go on than a vague brand theme and a shirt full of back sweat.

When he returns with his initial plan, Mandana swats him around a little more because she can, and then picks at his ideas.  She claims that to fully understand his concept he needs to walk her through the layout.

It’s a drawing of two chairs and a table, and a long display bench.  For real.  If you can’t figure that one out on your own, we have way bigger issues here, sister.

Maybe it was the bangs that are always in her eyes.  Or maybe it was because she was looking at the page without her sunglasses on.  Maybe they always wear them indoors because they give you some super crisp focus.  For most of the episode Mandana was rocking some seriously substantial BluBlocker shades, so that must have been the problem this time.  The sunglasses give them super powers.

Since there was actually nothing to this episode, we got to see a lot of Rachel and Rodger cooing over Skyler, with every scene accompanied by some wind up toy nursery song.  It was kind of like the song they play in horror movies before the Bride of Chucky slits your throat, but since Skyler still bonks his head on the crib guard I felt pretty safe.

They bicker over who is going to burp Skyler, to the point where I was afraid his massive baby head was going to blow of his shoulders before they got around to letting one rip.

Every Rachelism catch phrase that she has ever used on Oscar Night was recycled for Skyler.  He’s the cutest thing ever.  I die a little when I look at him.  He’s maj.  (That’s major for those of you who may have skipped that day in class…)  Every once in awhile I lost track of whether they were still talking about Skyler or if we were back on Kim Kardashian’s red dress again.

Skyler is a cutie.  Der.  Would you expect anything less from Zoe Inc.?  If she had popped out an ugly one, I can guarantee you that there would have been a baby switch episode that would put All My Children to shame.  Uncle Joey got almost as excited by the new baby as he did that day he went to pull gowns for Molly Sims.

In a brilliant bit of network cross promotion, I swear that Rachel hired NeNe Leakes to be the Nanny.  Tell me that wasn’t her.  Since The Real Housewives of Atlanta was on hiatus, and she bailed on The Celebrity Apprentice, I guess girlfriend had some time on her hands.  Bloop!  Change my diaper, beeotch.

The vendor shop installation (that’s fancy retail speak for lining up the racks and making sure the hangers all face in the same direction…) at Bloomingdale’s was another classic Jeremiah Moment.  Everything he does involves hyperventilation, last minute decisions and excessive sweating.  I swear that when he sorts his darks & lights at the Laundromat he is one grey tube sock away from a seizure.  I admire anyone who wants to do so well in their chosen career, and his awesome crazy eyed eagerness to please his employer, even though they already boned him twice…but the poor guy is not going to be able to feel the left side of his face if he keeps going at this pace.  His dry-cleaning bills alone must be a strain, because sweat is not easily removed from cashmere.

But Bloomingdale’s loved it, and hooked them up with 8 stores.  So that gives Jeremiah seven more chances to flat line before Rachel’s retail domination is completed.  Everyone was excited.  Jeremiah either cried or got forehead sweat in his eyes while Rachel bounced the baby around like a bean bag.

After firing Jeremiah for being too good at his job, and then making him come crawling back to decorate the nursery, and then making him crawl home and then crawl back again to set up the Bloomie’s shop, Rodger finally decides that maybe Jeremiah should be part of the Zoe Zone after all.  Since they kept him so busy doing odd jobs and he never had time to update his resume, he was luckily still available.

To thank everyone for all the hard work, for putting up with 9 months of SuperPregnancy and to celebrate what appears to be Hat Day at Rachel’s, they throw a BBQ at Casa de Zoe.  Rachel and Rodger are decked out in hats and superhero sunglasses as they whip up a Zoe Sausage that is apparently legendary in the world of processed meats.

Joey gags for it, he claims.  (The comeback punchline for that joke is too easy.  I won’t even go there…not even a challenge…)  He walks around the BBQ clutching his drink in two hands like he stole Skyler’s sippy cup, making sure that he doesn’t lose his spot in line as Rachel’s BFF.  Mandana wears her sunglasses and bumps into things.  Jeremiah finds out that he is rehired and back in the family, and gets more forehead sweat in his eyes.

Rodger and Rachel give over the top heartfelt toasts to the gang, and to the Chosen One.  The Golden Child.  The Future Fashion King.

Life is good and Anne Hathaway looked amazing.

Skyler takes it all in.  And lets it all out.

Where’s NeNe?  Girrrl….somebody just left you a Hotlanta present.

Next season should be literally puréed ba-nan-as.