DanThat'sCool!

 

 

I swear these crazy bitches are making my eyeballs pop out.

 

 

 

I think Ramona told my hairdresser’s cousin’s Mom’s housekeeper in Brooklyn.

 

 

 

 

I wanna go back to iHop. They have free refills and stuff.

 

 

 

Look at me! I’m Drita. Yo Yo. I’ll bust yooz up. BaBoom!

 

 

 

 

 

…and Lord, give me the strength to not pop off on that bitch.

 

 

 

So.  How about those Mob Wives, huh?

Love.  Them.

Yeah…you can (bleepin’) say what you want about them, but I think they’re good for the economy and we could use all the help we can get right now.

They may be an English Grammar teacher’s worst nightmare and (barely) a notch or two under Britney Spears on the Role Model chart, but they’re keeping Staten Island Emergency Rooms in business and that has to be good for the economy.

Sephora is probably also seeing a spike in the sale of dark jewel tone eyeshadows and those little round mineral dusting powder containers that make your face all sparkly.

Malls are always good for the economy.  Even when they’re in the Boroughs, right?

But if there is one solid winner in all of this mess, it has to be the Staten Island Chamber of Commerce and the Restaurant Business.

Seriously.

Do these women ever eat a meal at home?

Last week, if I hadn’t witnessed Renee actually taking a big sloppy pan of pasta and placing it on the kitchen island, I would swear they didn’t even own working ovens.

These women like to eat out a lot.  And slap each other around.

Usually at the same time.

This week was all about mending fences, spreading gossip and scarfing down appetizers as the Wives tried to figure out who was on whose side and who said what to who…or whom…or whichever the (bleep) is the proper grammatical phrasing.

Now that Carla and Karen had kinda sorta set up a fragile, temporary restaurant truce regarding their personal opinions on Ramona and Drita, it was time to see if it would hold up at least through the next couple of meals.  Luckily the two managed to eat at opposing eateries all this week.

So far so good.

Drita’s big concern right now is actually finalizing her divorce from Lee.

After waiting years for him to come home from prison, it was Drita’s hope that Lee would return with both a new attitude and the envelope of soft porn fashion photos that she had mailed him earlier last season.

Instead she discovered that he had cheated on her and…well…that went down exactly as you would imagine it would go down.  Nobody disses Drita.

Mr. T and Mrs. Dri both say “I pity the fool.”

Staying as far away from Drita as possible, Karen and her trusty sidekick Ramona are snacking across town and going over all the deets on Karen’s dinner date with Carla, which almost resulted in a Teresa Giudice Real Housewives of New Jersey table flip moment.

But this is Staten Island, and I guess they don’t flip tables unless it’s to use as a shield for gun fire.

Ramona, previously best known for her religious use of Crest White Strips and having her boob pop out a lot during roof top throw downs, is now rapidly becoming best known for having a mysterious, impossible to Google boy friend who was pulled over by 7 DEA officers.

Seriously…have you seen how many people are trying to find out who this guy is…?  He’s like the Staten Island Justin Bieber in cuffs.

Ramona is a pit bull when it comes to protecting her BFF fake cousin Karen.  You gotta admire the loyalty, even if it scares you.  She is certain that Carla is being manipulated and mind molded by Drita to the point where she doesn’t even know what is true anymore.

I think that is like Mr. Spock used to do…or am I thinking of the Vulcan Mind Meld?

Either way, I wouldn’t want Spock or Drita’s hands on my face, so it probably doesn’t really matter.  Just don’t touch me.  Or hurt me.  Please.

Ramona’s major pet peeve is that she heard that Carla or Drita or Carla and Drita have been saying that Ramona is Carla’s Archenemy.

Holy Ramona Rap Sheet, Batman!  You don’t have to read comic books to know that an Archenemy is bad news.

Ramona claims to have heard this all over da place.  In two Boroughs.

Now, I’m not sure how she heard this stuff, or what she really meant by all over da place.

It wasn’t clear if she was given this news by nosey neighbors hanging out the windows drying laundry in Little Italy, her technician at the ZOOM teeth whitening place or at various Visitor Centers and Tourist Info Booths in Staten Island and Brooklyn…but she got it in da Boroughs.

She got it in two of ‘em.  And she kept sayin’ it.

All I know is that when I’ve been in Times Square and stopped by any booth, all I got was directions to Les Miz and a coupon for Sbarro pepperoni double cheese.

But no gossip.

They must do things differently in Staten Island.

Over at yet another fine eating establishment, Carla and Drita are also going over the deets on the Karen dinner date truce.

Carla let Drita know that she had forgiven Karen but that she was still Team Drita all the way.  The only things that really came out of their sit down were some fancy coffee concoctions and the realization that neither of them remembered enough Geometry to help their kids with homework.  That’s what the internet is for, ladies.

In still another snack shack, Karen and her daughter Karina knoshed on a little sumthin sumthin as Karen broke the news that she was shipping her daughter back to Arizona, where Karina would be safe from both the humidity and the Mafia.

You could tell that way deep down Karen is just another Mom worrying about her daughter, and there was even a brief moment of normalcy before Karen gave a big soap opera cry and I remembered this was VH1.  She loves her daughter and that’s a good thing no matter what, so Karen gets the point in this match.

As part of Restaurant Week, Renee and Carla slipped into another eatery to gossip and slurp a cocktail.

Carla again went over the deets on her dinner with Karen.  (Why don’t these Wives just set up a mass email blast and be done with this story?  It’s gotta be wearing them out.)

Possibly as a side effect from her full body makeover, Renee has developed a major case of bug eyes when she hears something good.

Like cartoon bug eyes.  And I love it.

They almost pop out like Will E Coyote when the anvil falls on his head.  Beep Beep.  Road Runner…the coyote’s after you.

I think I finally found someone who likes gossip more than I do.

Before Renee can even digest her massive fork fulls of salad she is off to the next restaurant to meet up with Karen and Ramona to stir the the drinks, and the pot, even more.

Not only is Renee in the middle of all the drama, but she has to keep the stories straight and remember who said what to who and whom and blah to the blah.  In between bites of their tasty lunch we learned that Karen wanted to stick her foot in somebody’s neck until she couldn’t breath.

I guess that warm and fuzzy Arizona Mom Moment didn’t last very long.

For a second or two I started to lose track of who hated who as Ramona went off on Drita and how Drita had just married into the Mob and therefore wasn’t really an official card carrying member of the Lifestyle.  She made it sound like you got a badge and 3D decoder ring if you joined, and for a brief minute I wanted to go all Italiano just to get some cool stuff.

Karen was slightly miffed that Renee sounded like she was defending Carla.  Ramona said Drita was a Crumb Catcher.  Except she said it all like “Crumb Catchaaah” and then claimed that all the Visitor Centers in two Boroughs were also talking smack about Karen’s fight with Drita.

I know, right?  When do these Visitors Centers actually have time to just hand out maps?

Renee pushed her eyes back in her head and went to bed knowing that finally there was someone out there who made her seem like the normal one.

While all the Staten Island busboys were clearing tables, Drita had a few moments at home to toss all of Lee’s clothes into Hefty Cinch Sak bags and drag them to the curb.  She wanted all his (bleepin’) crap outta the house, asap.

Finally we would get to see what was behind that secret Do Not Enter Lee ClubHouse door when Drita busted in to fill another bag or two.

I was on the edge of my seat.

Wah.  Wah.  Waaaah.  Talk about a letdown.

After weeks of hoping to find bodies, Zoot Suits and wads of Mob cash, it was just a bed and three baseballs inside those plexi display cubes from The Container Store.

Seriously?  What a rip.

Filling all those garbage bags must have made Drita hungry, because they were all right back out at another restaurant before the Sanitation Truck even pulled down the street.

By the time Renee, Carla and Drita got served I needed a spreadsheet to keep track of what was going down.

Deep breath…Drita didn’t wanna make up with Karen…Renee felt like she was in the middle all the time, and felt disloyal to everyone…Carla hated Ramona…Ramona wasn’t even there, but supposedly said that Drita said that one of them told Renee’s sister-in-law that Junior only married Renee because her father was in the Mob and that Junior is nothing without Renee which is a lie…Renee said that Karen and Ramona had nothing nice to say about Drita…and Carla was wearing feather earrings like Cher used to wear.

Literally, the whole scene gave me an ice cream headache.

Luckily, next week is Spa Day at Renee’s.

Karen is getting all the Wives together for manis and pedis and facials.  There will be loofahs and lotions and hopefully a few T-bone steaks in the freezer to slap on any black eyes or concussions, because you know something big is gonna go down when this gang gets sealed up in one room.

And…it’s the Return of Big Ang!

Now that is gonna be some (bleepin’) good (bleep!)

 

 

Mummy? You know it’s supposed to be all about me, right?

 

 

 

I can’t believe she blocked all the exits. I’m trapped.

 

 

 

Suck it in. You’ve got a Vanderpump Rump back here.

 

 

 

You know, I was on The Apprentice. NeNe’s a bitch.

 

 

 

 

Um…yeah. I’m pretty sure LaToya wasn’t even invited.

 

 

Let me tell you, Dahling.

If Barbie was British..and Ken was straight…this is the dream wedding they would have had.

After a season of drama, tragedy, excessive excess, redoinkulously high heels and then even more drama, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills got a break from all that nonsense to celebrate The Real Wedding of Beverly Hills in style.

Lisa Vanderpump saved the best for last as she not only found the money for an over the top yet intimate (?) wedding, but also found a way to make it be all about her instead of daughter Pandora and her squeaky clean fiancé Jason.

All the other Housewives had to step aside or be trampled by the Wedding Express this week as Lisa demonstrated her need for both perfection and lots of pink stuff.

Lots of it.

After months of prep work by Moo Goo Gay Wedding Planner To The Fabulish Kevin Lee, the tennis courts at Villa de Vanderpump were finally converted into Pandora’s Wedding Wonderland, complete with enough flowers to replant most of the barren Rain Forest and a tent big enough to house that new Cirque du Soleil musical show about Michael Jackson.

As a matter of fact, I would not be the least bit surprised if somewhere right outside the Beverly Hills city limits there is a clown on a unicycle crying confetti tears over his missing home.

Lisa gets what Lisa wants when Lisa wants it.  Learn it.  Live it.

Since Lisa can buy anything she wants except that machine on General Hospital that made it snow in Port Charles back in the Luke & Laura days (..what was that all about, anyway?…) it is already sticky hot as the tent is being set up on the courts.  She is stressing about the heat and the schedule, because the day has to be perfect…for Pandora, of course.

Lisa is also not pleased that Foo Fun Guy Kevin is MIA, as he had booked another event beyond the Vanderpump orbit and is nowhere to be found.  His assistant seems entirely responsible and capable of unpacking candle votives herself, but Lisa would prefer Kevin and his jazz hands be on the premises 24/7 before the Big Event.

While Lisa and Pandora were neck deep in pink, we got an odd little break from the preparations to accompany Adrienne and Paul to his colonoscopy.

Good to know that he’ll be clean as a whistle at the wedding, but otherwise it was something I could have lived without, thank you.  A couple of Louboutoots later and even Adrienne had to walk away.

Back at Vanderville, Lisa is hard at work creating the floral arrangements for the entryway.  I have a front door that opens up into my apartment bedroom door.

Lisa has an entryway.

I want an entryway.

Husband/Dogwalker Ken came home for no apparent reason, considering that Lisa would not allow him to touch anything…herself included.  After a few minutes of juggling Wonder Dog Giggy, Ken headed back out to wherever it is that he goes when he heads out every day.  I personally think that he just drives around the neighborhood until Lisa leaves for Villa Blanca and then he sneaks back in, but I don’t really have any proof to substantiate my claims.

Since most of this episode could have been pulled from any random cable DIY show, there was a lot of cake decorating and flower arranging, and even some cake/floral combo projects.

For a mere $9,500 Lisa had a caravan of cake handlers bring in the wedding centerpiece.  Piece by piece.  Even Ken came back after driving around the neighborhood to try and help carry in the little top piece of the cake before Lisa made him put it down and go pick up Giggy.

Twenty four dozen roses later and the cake was complete.  No Sarah Lee frozen confection for the Vanderpumps, no siree bob.  Nothing says money like picking thorns out of your icing.

Somewhere along the line a Bravo TV exec must have realized that they had forgotten to show any other Housewives, because all of the sudden we got to sit through Camille putting on her face for the wedding.

Riveting television.  Right up there with the Berlin Wall.

She and her BFF Elizabeth were getting in an impromptu fashion show and some Kelsey bashing before heading out for Pandora’s Big Day.

I love Camille.  She can turn a conversation about the price of asparagus into an opportunity to bitch about Kelsey and how he boned her after all those years of marriage.  She can flip a zinger in his face without batting a fake eyelash.  She is the Queen of Snarky.  Bow to her awesomeness.

But let’s get real.  As fulfilling as the verbal barbs are, nothing sticks it to a middle aged actor with thinning hair more than his ex dating a Greek Stallion named Demitri.

Opa!

That’s right.  Camille is dating again.  And he’s hot.  So take that, Frasier.

Then it was Kyle’s turn to primp and decide what to wear.

Just to rub it in my face, half of her designer dresses still had the tags attached.  That’s when you know you have too much money.

I want an entryway.  And tags on my clothes.

Mauricio tried to coast on his Mexican good looks and not get spanked for forgetting to rent a black tuxedo.  He figured that it wouldn’t be a really big deal considering that he has 14 black designer suits and Mexican good looks.  Kyle was getting aggravated because this is Beverly Hills, Dahling.

That’s right it is.

Just ask Kevin Lee, who finally decided to grace the Vanderpumps with his Fabulosity.

Newsflash:  Two hours before your daughter is to be married is probably not the time to worry about how much money you spent, or if the event is too over the top.  And Kevin Lee is definitely not the person to voice your concerns to, since there is no such thing as too over the top in KevinLand.

After stopping the DVR a few times to try and figure out exactly what is going on with his hair, I just took it all in as Kevin motioned and posed and pointed around the tent like he was doing an interpretive dance number.

Raise your Sparkle Fingers.

Bling Bling Bling Bling Bling Shi Shi Shi, Dahling.

And I quote.

Kevin must have also chosen the Mission:Impossible intro muzac that Bravo pumped in whenever the scenes cut back to Lisa’s house. That and what sounded a lot like the theme from Dynasty.

But it’s all good, because it’s…well..you know…Dahling.

It was getting close to show time as Lisa and Pandora and a few stray nameless girls with British accents gathered in their pink robes for hair & makeup.

Somehow Lisa tracked down the Makeup Triplets, who must have been on Craigslist or something, because I wouldn’t even know where to start if someone was looking for triplets who can do airbrush foundations.  Seriously.  No clue.

Poor second tier son Max made another appearance, with his back pack and mini mohawk.  He didn’t get much face time this season which is probably good for everyone involved.  Nice enough kid, but he always looks so out of place.  Like he and his punk rock garage band were searching for a Beverly Hills Mosh Pit or something and took a wrong turn into Lisa’s backyard.

Lisa always greets him with that “I love you but you’re not my favorite” kind of air kiss and then picks on his clothes or his hair or both.  I bet even Giggy tries to pee on his Doc Martens, poor guy.

Lisa and Ken were more concerned about which outfit their sissy dog was going to wear than where their son had been for two months.

Since it was a black tie event and Mauricio was already going to screw it up with his Navy/Or is it Black $4000 suit, Ken had to make sure that Giggy was stylin’.  A pink onesie definitely wouldn’t cut it tonight.

Lisa claimed that Pandora desperately wanted her mother to wear a tiara, which no one seemed to argue against for even one second before Lisa plopped it on her head.

Move over Kate Middleton.

Even the housekeeper got the night off, though she did show up in flats much to Lisa’s disdain.  I kind of expected Lisa to bend down and make Rosia squirt a little Windex on that tiara before the music started, but she refrained much to my surprise.

Finally Pandora got it together and came down the stairs to get the party started.

Or at least she tried.

Remember that classic Carol Burnett sketch when she came down the stairs as Scarlett O’Hara?  With the curtain rod still in her dress?

Yeah.  Just turn everything pink.

Apparently Pandy never tried walking in that thing first, because I thought Rosia was going to need a broom to sweep up the mess at the bottom when she tumbled down the stairs.  I guess when you have to choose between pretty and graceful, most people choose pretty.

Good thing Rosia had on flats.  Just in case.

As Jason stood nervously at the end of the tennis courts, Pandora and Ken wobbled down the aisle.  I swear Jason is that J.Crew model who is always paddling a canoe, but again I don’t have any proof to substantiate my claims.  But I still swear it’s him.

Busted, dude.

In an uncomfortable piece of editing, the priest officiating the ceremony had his face blurred out like the perps on Dateline.  I’m sure there was another reason for it, but anytime you fuzz out someone’s face I always think of COPS.

Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?

He busted through the ceremony pretty quickly.  I’m thinking he must have been in a hurry, but I couldn’t tell if he was looking at his watch or not because of the whole face blur thing.

Adrienne and Paul spent the night on the dance floor parquet cutting a rug, celebrating his colonoscopy I assume.  At least I think it was Paul, because it kind of looked like the Brawny paper towel guy with the suspenders.  Whoever it was….he be jammin’.

Now I’ll give Bravo some credit.  They had to make an entire season out of a story where everyone already knew the ending.

From the first episode when everyone thought there would be cardboard cut outs of Russell Armstrong to the end when they finally kinda sorta tried to deal with the subject, it was just a little strange.  Everybody knows what happened.

So the final scene with all the Housewives getting together for snacks, minus Kim…because we also know what’s happening with her, thank you TMZ…was a little surreal.

Taylor was back.  Even though she didn’t really go anywhere in TV time.  But in real time she did.  Everyone just kind of sat around waiting for someone else to tell them what to do or say.

But luckily Lisa was there to direct the attention back to Lisa.  We had wedding pictures and hair flicking and a little bonding time.

And they looked fabulous.

And that’s really all that matters.

Because…say it with me…it’s Beverly Hills, Dahling.

See you at the Reunion.

 

 

Slow ride in a fast car? Pimpin’ ain’t easy in Arkansas.

 

 

 

 

I wonder which button works the Ejector Seat?

 

 

 

This ain’t no Barbie Corvette, haters. We be rollin’ in style.

 

 

 

I still need to get my hair did. Pedal to the metal, woman.

 

 

 

Seriously.

By the time I finished casually glancing in the direction of this week’s Toddlers & Tiaras episode, not only was I jealous of a 10 year old girl’s financial stability but I had also developed body image issues and booked a spray tan for tomorrow.

And that was all before the final credits rolled.

This show is messing with my head.

It was The Crown Beauties Glitzy Divas Pageant, and No Fat Chicks need apply.

I’m pretty certain that tag line is printed on the posters that get taped to the back of the Ramada restroom stalls the week before the show, because Pageant Director Bonnie was quick to point out that these events are based on beauty.

Beauty.  And to be beautiful the little girls need a beautiful baby face.

Bring your best baby face, please.  But leave the baby fat at home, because girls who are overweight are not gonna cut it.

Well.  There you have it.  Right out of the gate.  Nice.  Thanks.

And if you’re fat and broke…don’t even bother packing the car.

With the same kind of cold, matter of fact stare that your 5th grade Health Class teacher had on that gross day when you learned the nasty stuff, Bonnie let us all know that pageants are definitely not a hobby for the poor.

I did also notice that the camera only shot Bonnie from the neck up, but I’ll leave that one alone for now.  Just saying.

All kids are cute, lady.  Speaking of…

First up was 4 year old Adriana and Mom Jade.

Little Adriana liked to say NO a lot, and was your basic wobbly tomboy who morphs into a Pageant Princess when duty calls.

She looked a lot like a miniaturized version of that Holiday Inn housekeeper who always seems to be carrying pillows in the hallway.  The one who always smiles but never talks.

But instead of pillows Adriana has a million hats in her bedroom that she refuses to wear, so they’re not really coming in very handy at this point in her life.  You can tell she’ll be a cutie when she grows up, too, whether she wears hats or not so it’s not that big a deal.

I’m still not positive if that was their home or a Gift Shop, because everywhere you looked there was some kind of Indian artifact or cowboy sumthin sumthin.  It totally looked like those Western Shops off the highway that you pull into when you have to use the restroom, and all they sell are moccasins and beaded Indian tom tom wall hangings.

For real.  I’m not making it up.  And you know what I’m talking about, because you probably have a pair of moccasin slippers in your closet from when you were too embarrassed to walk out of the Shop empty handed.

Next time, go before you leave the house.  I’m not telling you again.

Jade points out that Adriana has lost 4 pounds already getting ready for the competition, so you know what the theme de jour is this time around.  Then Adriana laid on her back and showed off her new white pretty feet shoes like she was on the bar at Hooters.

That was just odd.

Next up, Mom Kerry took time out from counting all the pageant winnings to introduce us to 10 year old Madi, who I really want to hate but can’t because she is a smiley blonde squirt.

I have a slight bruise on my forehead from hitting the coffee table when Kerry bragged that Madi had probably already hauled in over $100,000 in Pageant Bucks.

I know, right?

That’s like $99,999 more than I have in my checking account right now.  When Madi chimed in that her college tuition is already paid off, I got a matching bruise on the back of my head.

During the episode, as the weight loss discussions kept coming up, Kerry was quick to point out that she doesn’t believe young girls should go on diets.

Hell, no.  For $100,000 that bitch could get lipo and be back on the circuit by Summer.

Dang.

But we can leave the dieting to 8 year old Ever Rose.

Mom Kayla, besides having apparently named her daughter after some kind of feminine hygiene product, looks exactly like someone I saw on one of those CMT Behind the Country Music kind of shows.  She is a firm believer in keeping kids skinny, and always puts Ever Rose on a diet before each pageant.  1600 calories.  That’s it.

The only thing that Mom doesn’t seem to understand about dieting is that when you diet…umm…you lose weight, because all of ER’s clothes were getting loose and Mom seems surprised.  ER’s Casual Wear outfit was hanging off her like scarecrow pants, and every time she practiced her jumps they just about fell down around her ankles.

So there’s so much I could say right now that I think we should just move on before anyone gets offended.

Madi and her fast metabolism were being fitted for her dress, and since she is built like a cardboard paper towel insert it took a little rigging to get it just right.  But she’s a smiley blonde squirt and that always makes up for no badonkadonk.

Madi has a brother who likes to pretend that he’s a Grandpa, which makes Madi immediately pretend that she is a Grandma, and the two of them can work that shtick for hours.  I’m pretty sure that her brother was cloned from blonde Derek Hough on Dancing With The Stars, but I don’t have any proof that would stand up in court or on The Maury Povich Show, so I’ll let that one go for now.

Adriana has been eating salads to lose weight since the pageant doesn’t allow fatties, which made her Mom break out into a strange giggle for no reason.

Or maybe it was the diesel fumes from their Pimp Daddy limousine idling in the front yard next to the wooden Indian.

For real.  They bought a 1980′s porn movie limo to ride around in on Pageant Days.

Only on Pageant Days though…not Walmart Days, because they want it to be special.

Instead of spending the money on waxing Adriana’s hairy back, which got waaaaay too much discussion for my taste, they picked up the Red Rocket and get their Miss Daisy on whenever Beauty calls.  Mom calls it Rolling in Style.

Whatever you want to call it, it made me want to put on my platform shoes and pop in an eight track.

Since Ever Fresh Ever Rose is the only hard core dieter in the bunch, it only made sense that Mom arrange a cookout right before the pageant so everyone could get together and wish her good luck.

And eat in front of her, of course.

Needless to say, Ever Hungry caved and dove face first into some pound cake which stressed out her Mom to the point where I thought someone was going to have to either restrain her or toss her into that trailer/mobile home thing that was parked in the front lawn.

Before anyone could binge again it was Pageant Day.

Chad, the Emcee, took time off from his accounting job to run the show while Bonnie was back to remind us that girls that aren’t pretty need to find another hobby.

Or become Pageant Directors.

Oh, snap.

Right from the start it became clear that Adriana’s Mom should have passed on the limo and spent the cash on a watch, because she was late for everything.  Turns out that Adriana didn’t need to eat salads after all, because she got enough cardio running up and down fire escape staircases to burn off all her pixie stix fat.  Mom has no patience for slow elevators.

Madi hates hairspray, which somehow magically not only keeps her curls intact but brings out her Inner Grandma every time she takes a hit of aerosol.  She and mini-Derek should take their act on the road.

After she finishes her free doctorate at Harvard, of course.

Gah.  $100,000.

Even on the day of the pageant, Ever Sweet’s Mom couldn’t comprehend why her daughter was losing so much weight.  Her cupcake dress would have fit better if she had been allowed to actually eat a cupcake or two, but now it was sagging in the back and no one could find the Butt Glue, which is the same goop that they used to seal up Cher in her Turn Back Time video.

In a last minute MacGuyver panic solution, they put enough safety pins in ER’s dress to get her arrested at an airport and then shipped her off to the stage.

As usual, the actual pageant pales in comparison to the prep work leading up to all that finger kissing.

Everyone was ok in Beauty.  No big drama.

Adriana missed the Casual Wear portion because Mom bought a limo instead of a Timex, and had to take the stairs again.  In one Pageant Day that poor little peanut took half the required physical exam for being a New York Fire Fighter.  She better get some cheese on that salad tonight.

Madi rocked it like a pro, even when she had to use different music at the last minute.  Mom needs to read the rules before she’s standing at the stage.

Even with all the Best Most Pretty Beautiful Photogenic Face category prizes, the award should have gone to the table of judges when someone allowed Adriana to do her Casual Wear after they had just called it a night.  The looks on their faces, when Adriana huffed and puffed her way up the stairs and onto the stage right when they were all going out for a smoke, was classic.

After penalizing her for being late, the judges sucked down coffee and some Camels, and then locked themselves away in the hotel Boardroom to pick the winnahs.

Apparently they were so inspired by Adriana’s tardiness that they were over two hours late coming out of hiding.

Seriously?  How hard is this?  Was it Jury Duty on the OJ Trial or the Glitzy Diva Pageant?  Let’s go, people.

Finally Chad comes out, all sweaty and frazzled, and it’s Crowning.

Madi got the Grand Deep Dish Supreme for being a smiley blonde squirt.

Ever Rose was happy with her Novice Supreme Title and any solid food she could find.

Adriana only got Princess which Mom felt was like not winning at all.  That should set her daughter up for some issues later in life.

Long story short…Bonnie might have been right all along.  Thin rhymes with Win.

Adriana’s Mom was not likin’ it, thought the whole thing sucked, and then mentioned that they will put off buying a house for awhile longer so they can keep doing pageants.

Make up your mind, woman.

Then she backed the Pimp Daddy limo over two skinny bitches and drove off into the darkness to sulk with her girlfriends.

No Fat Chicks, please.