The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills: If You Like It Then You’d Better Put A Bling Bling Bling Ring On It, Dahling.Saturday, January 28th, 2012
Mummy? You know it’s supposed to be all about me, right?
I can’t believe she blocked all the exits. I’m trapped.
Suck it in. You’ve got a Vanderpump Rump back here.
You know, I was on The Apprentice. NeNe’s a bitch.
Um…yeah. I’m pretty sure LaToya wasn’t even invited.
Let me tell you, Dahling.
If Barbie was British..and Ken was straight…this is the dream wedding they would have had.
After a season of drama, tragedy, excessive excess, redoinkulously high heels and then even more drama, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills got a break from all that nonsense to celebrate The Real Wedding of Beverly Hills in style.
Lisa Vanderpump saved the best for last as she not only found the money for an over the top yet intimate (?) wedding, but also found a way to make it be all about her instead of daughter Pandora and her squeaky clean fiancé Jason.
All the other Housewives had to step aside or be trampled by the Wedding Express this week as Lisa demonstrated her need for both perfection and lots of pink stuff.
Lots of it.
After months of prep work by Moo Goo Gay Wedding Planner To The Fabulish Kevin Lee, the tennis courts at Villa de Vanderpump were finally converted into Pandora’s Wedding Wonderland, complete with enough flowers to replant most of the barren Rain Forest and a tent big enough to house that new Cirque du Soleil musical show about Michael Jackson.
As a matter of fact, I would not be the least bit surprised if somewhere right outside the Beverly Hills city limits there is a clown on a unicycle crying confetti tears over his missing home.
Lisa gets what Lisa wants when Lisa wants it. Learn it. Live it.
Since Lisa can buy anything she wants except that machine on General Hospital that made it snow in Port Charles back in the Luke & Laura days (..what was that all about, anyway?…) it is already sticky hot as the tent is being set up on the courts. She is stressing about the heat and the schedule, because the day has to be perfect…for Pandora, of course.
Lisa is also not pleased that Foo Fun Guy Kevin is MIA, as he had booked another event beyond the Vanderpump orbit and is nowhere to be found. His assistant seems entirely responsible and capable of unpacking candle votives herself, but Lisa would prefer Kevin and his jazz hands be on the premises 24/7 before the Big Event.
While Lisa and Pandora were neck deep in pink, we got an odd little break from the preparations to accompany Adrienne and Paul to his colonoscopy.
Good to know that he’ll be clean as a whistle at the wedding, but otherwise it was something I could have lived without, thank you. A couple of Louboutoots later and even Adrienne had to walk away.
Back at Vanderville, Lisa is hard at work creating the floral arrangements for the entryway. I have a front door that opens up into my apartment bedroom door.
Lisa has an entryway.
I want an entryway.
Husband/Dogwalker Ken came home for no apparent reason, considering that Lisa would not allow him to touch anything…herself included. After a few minutes of juggling Wonder Dog Giggy, Ken headed back out to wherever it is that he goes when he heads out every day. I personally think that he just drives around the neighborhood until Lisa leaves for Villa Blanca and then he sneaks back in, but I don’t really have any proof to substantiate my claims.
Since most of this episode could have been pulled from any random cable DIY show, there was a lot of cake decorating and flower arranging, and even some cake/floral combo projects.
For a mere $9,500 Lisa had a caravan of cake handlers bring in the wedding centerpiece. Piece by piece. Even Ken came back after driving around the neighborhood to try and help carry in the little top piece of the cake before Lisa made him put it down and go pick up Giggy.
Twenty four dozen roses later and the cake was complete. No Sarah Lee frozen confection for the Vanderpumps, no siree bob. Nothing says money like picking thorns out of your icing.
Somewhere along the line a Bravo TV exec must have realized that they had forgotten to show any other Housewives, because all of the sudden we got to sit through Camille putting on her face for the wedding.
Riveting television. Right up there with the Berlin Wall.
She and her BFF Elizabeth were getting in an impromptu fashion show and some Kelsey bashing before heading out for Pandora’s Big Day.
I love Camille. She can turn a conversation about the price of asparagus into an opportunity to bitch about Kelsey and how he boned her after all those years of marriage. She can flip a zinger in his face without batting a fake eyelash. She is the Queen of Snarky. Bow to her awesomeness.
But let’s get real. As fulfilling as the verbal barbs are, nothing sticks it to a middle aged actor with thinning hair more than his ex dating a Greek Stallion named Demitri.
That’s right. Camille is dating again. And he’s hot. So take that, Frasier.
Then it was Kyle’s turn to primp and decide what to wear.
Just to rub it in my face, half of her designer dresses still had the tags attached. That’s when you know you have too much money.
I want an entryway. And tags on my clothes.
Mauricio tried to coast on his Mexican good looks and not get spanked for forgetting to rent a black tuxedo. He figured that it wouldn’t be a really big deal considering that he has 14 black designer suits and Mexican good looks. Kyle was getting aggravated because this is Beverly Hills, Dahling.
That’s right it is.
Just ask Kevin Lee, who finally decided to grace the Vanderpumps with his Fabulosity.
Newsflash: Two hours before your daughter is to be married is probably not the time to worry about how much money you spent, or if the event is too over the top. And Kevin Lee is definitely not the person to voice your concerns to, since there is no such thing as too over the top in KevinLand.
After stopping the DVR a few times to try and figure out exactly what is going on with his hair, I just took it all in as Kevin motioned and posed and pointed around the tent like he was doing an interpretive dance number.
Raise your Sparkle Fingers.
Bling Bling Bling Bling Bling Shi Shi Shi, Dahling.
And I quote.
Kevin must have also chosen the Mission:Impossible intro muzac that Bravo pumped in whenever the scenes cut back to Lisa’s house. That and what sounded a lot like the theme from Dynasty.
But it’s all good, because it’s…well..you know…Dahling.
It was getting close to show time as Lisa and Pandora and a few stray nameless girls with British accents gathered in their pink robes for hair & makeup.
Somehow Lisa tracked down the Makeup Triplets, who must have been on Craigslist or something, because I wouldn’t even know where to start if someone was looking for triplets who can do airbrush foundations. Seriously. No clue.
Poor second tier son Max made another appearance, with his back pack and mini mohawk. He didn’t get much face time this season which is probably good for everyone involved. Nice enough kid, but he always looks so out of place. Like he and his punk rock garage band were searching for a Beverly Hills Mosh Pit or something and took a wrong turn into Lisa’s backyard.
Lisa always greets him with that “I love you but you’re not my favorite” kind of air kiss and then picks on his clothes or his hair or both. I bet even Giggy tries to pee on his Doc Martens, poor guy.
Lisa and Ken were more concerned about which outfit their sissy dog was going to wear than where their son had been for two months.
Since it was a black tie event and Mauricio was already going to screw it up with his Navy/Or is it Black $4000 suit, Ken had to make sure that Giggy was stylin’. A pink onesie definitely wouldn’t cut it tonight.
Lisa claimed that Pandora desperately wanted her mother to wear a tiara, which no one seemed to argue against for even one second before Lisa plopped it on her head.
Move over Kate Middleton.
Even the housekeeper got the night off, though she did show up in flats much to Lisa’s disdain. I kind of expected Lisa to bend down and make Rosia squirt a little Windex on that tiara before the music started, but she refrained much to my surprise.
Finally Pandora got it together and came down the stairs to get the party started.
Or at least she tried.
Remember that classic Carol Burnett sketch when she came down the stairs as Scarlett O’Hara? With the curtain rod still in her dress?
Yeah. Just turn everything pink.
Apparently Pandy never tried walking in that thing first, because I thought Rosia was going to need a broom to sweep up the mess at the bottom when she tumbled down the stairs. I guess when you have to choose between pretty and graceful, most people choose pretty.
Good thing Rosia had on flats. Just in case.
As Jason stood nervously at the end of the tennis courts, Pandora and Ken wobbled down the aisle. I swear Jason is that J.Crew model who is always paddling a canoe, but again I don’t have any proof to substantiate my claims. But I still swear it’s him.
In an uncomfortable piece of editing, the priest officiating the ceremony had his face blurred out like the perps on Dateline. I’m sure there was another reason for it, but anytime you fuzz out someone’s face I always think of COPS.
Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?
He busted through the ceremony pretty quickly. I’m thinking he must have been in a hurry, but I couldn’t tell if he was looking at his watch or not because of the whole face blur thing.
Adrienne and Paul spent the night on the dance floor parquet cutting a rug, celebrating his colonoscopy I assume. At least I think it was Paul, because it kind of looked like the Brawny paper towel guy with the suspenders. Whoever it was….he be jammin’.
Now I’ll give Bravo some credit. They had to make an entire season out of a story where everyone already knew the ending.
From the first episode when everyone thought there would be cardboard cut outs of Russell Armstrong to the end when they finally kinda sorta tried to deal with the subject, it was just a little strange. Everybody knows what happened.
So the final scene with all the Housewives getting together for snacks, minus Kim…because we also know what’s happening with her, thank you TMZ…was a little surreal.
Taylor was back. Even though she didn’t really go anywhere in TV time. But in real time she did. Everyone just kind of sat around waiting for someone else to tell them what to do or say.
But luckily Lisa was there to direct the attention back to Lisa. We had wedding pictures and hair flicking and a little bonding time.
And they looked fabulous.
And that’s really all that matters.
Because…say it with me…it’s Beverly Hills, Dahling.
See you at the Reunion.