Dance Moms Miami: The Moms Are Making Waves And It’s Not Pretty. There’s Humiliation. Drama. Crying…And Seriously Fabulous Scarves.Wednesday, April 11th, 2012
They hate me because I’m pretty and stuff.
Seriously? Now it’s blue? Does this chick next to me own that skanky top in every color?
I mean, come on. Look at me, haters. This hair is a gift from God.
Where my girls at? The Lucas Locomotive is pulling out of the station, bitches.
Lord. Even the ceilings are teal. Sometimes I hate Miami…and Debi.
First things first.
New Rule. Effective immediately.
Before they begin filming the next episode of Dance Moms: Miami, the producers must pass around a paper cup and make everyone spit their gum out.
Now don’t get me wrong, I like a big honkin’ chunk of Bazooka Joe as much as the next person. And I secretly have always wanted to learn how to do that multi-pop snap thing that High School Mean Girls and biker chicks do that sounds like a million little firecrackers are going off in your mouth with just one bite.
I’ll admit to a little Bad Girl Gum Envy.
But when you’re bitch fighting and screaming and choreographing and cheering on your little dancer babies with a big wad of Wrigley’s in your pie hole…and you can barely keep it in your mouth…well, then just spit it out. Give it to me right now. Don’t make me get all Catholic School nun on your a**.
That’s all I’m going to say on the matter for the entire season. But if you want, watch the only two episodes that have aired so far and count how many times gum hangs out of someone’s mouth, dangles from a corner of a mouth, or almost falls completely out of some screaming trap during Competition Day.
Seriously. Class it up, kids. Buy some Altoids.
Fresh off their showing at Hollywood Vibe last week, Victor and Angel were ready to reveal “The List” right out of the gate and start rehearsals. They were taking the troops to Long Beach, California for the Starbound Dance Competition, and it’s a pretty big deal.
It’s California. Which is near Hollywood I hear. So that means swimming pools, movie stars…and dance people. Lots of them. We’re talking Street Cred.
Victor had, of course, busted out yet another oddly asymmetrical hair style. Most likely his second of the morning, knowing how he likes changing his doo to match every outfit.
Dude slips in and out of hairstyles like Cher and her Bob Mackie on that never ending Farewell Tour.
You totally know he’s the guy who holds up traffic when the light turns green because he’s futzing with that one piece of hair that won’t stick up straight and doesn’t notice that the light has already cycled through two times. No flashlight or registration in the glove compartment…just hair product. And a fog of aerosol circulating inside the car like he was smoking a joint with the windows rolled up.
This time Victor had created an exact duplicate of the hairstyle that elf who wanted to be a dentist on Rudolph used to rock. Everything shifted so severely to one side that I was afraid he might fall over and hurt something.
Angel, who was not blessed with hair that can somehow miraculously sculpt itself, had to rely on his fierce scarf collection instead, and was draped in yet another 6 yards of chiffon during the unveiling of this week’s food chain.
To shake things up, and prove once and for all that this show is not just a knock off of the patented Abby Lee Miller’s Dance Moms formula, Victor got all edgy and started “The List” from the top.
Gutsy, I know.
My man Lucas was on top, thanks to his first ever duet with a girl. The way Victor went on and on about Lucas and how he successfully made it through his first routine with a girl without getting nervous and dropping his partner, I wasn’t even sure we were still talking about dancing by the end of the reveal. So I was glad when he moved on to the second spot and moved past the awkward.
Little Kimmy scored that spot, thanks to the fact that she didn’t get dropped.
She did drop too early in the group number though, so no Top Dawg for her.
Considering the fact that she gets up at 4am every morning to finish homework, it’s no wonder she’s the first one to hit the floor every time. It’s called exhaustion.
By the time newbie Sammy was revealed in the #3 slot, HR Ruff n Stuff Susan had done the math and figured out that Jessi was probably not going to have a very good day. She started crying early just to speed up the process.
Hannah was next to the bottom, basically just to leave that final spot open for Jessi and all her attitude.
As you will recall, Jessi had ripped the trophy out of Hannah’s pudgy little fingers at the award ceremony like it was the last cookie dough double scoop on Free Cone Day.
Victor pointed out that she had been rude and not a team player, which was probably a safer approach than just calling Jessi out for being a total bitch, considering that Mom was sitting right there.
Proving that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and that all the eyeliner in Sephora don’t make you classy, Susan blew yet another nutty. Grabbing Jessi like a side of beef, she dragged her daughter out into the hallway for some tough love. I got a little scared during the grab and drag, considering that Jessi was wearing yet another one of those tiny band-aid dance tops that barely held in her 14 year old stuff. I was not in the mood for any teenage pixelation when she popped out of that inappropriately sized piece of cloth.
Granted, she’s only 14. But she’s hard 14, and that top has already trended online again for the second week. Make it go away.
After a dozen or so “Look at Me’s,” Susan pointed out that Jessi owed her a group apology for making Mom look bad. I’m thinking that somewhere along the line Susan lost the actual point of this confrontation.
Jessi cried some more. Then Susan cried again. Then Jessi faked out an apology to the gang, and Angel flipped his lid and his scarf. Then Jessi kept crying while Victor explained genetics and how you don’t get to choose your Mother and can’t be blamed for how your Mother raised you, even if she’s a NutWad with anger management issues and Fate has now stuck you with the same defective chromosomes.
Lucas, Sammy and Hannah all got solos for the competition which made Lucas get all gangstah and the girls get all competitive.
As the solo and group number rehearsals began, both Angel and his scarves were a little tightly wound.
He was not a big fan of the solo Victor created for Sammy and made it clear to anyone who would listen. He even crossed that unspoken choreographer line and tried to redo it while Victor was in the bathroom changing his hairstyle. That didn’t go over well when Victor returned all newly spiked and irritated.
Angel also got frustrated during his one on one time with Hannah. So much so that he had to show her what Fierce looked like by busting a move or two of his own.
In case you are curious, Fierce looks like a dude pretending he’s a video vixen, dancing in pants that are too tight. That’s what Fierce looks like. Pow! KaPow!
Now go wash out your eyes.
By the time the group number was run, and it was apparent that it was a hot mess, Victor and his color blocked scarf were both dramatically flapping all around the room as he declared an end to all rehearsing for the night.
He shooed everyone out and to their respective homes with the kind of flourish that is usually only reserved for 1920s silent film divas when you catch them without makeup.
Angel doesn’t just point to the door.
He gestures. Dramatically.
I wasn’t really sure if he was kicking everyone out or directing a plane to land. But it was dramatic, whatever he was doing. Miss Angel could use a tranquilizer dart to the neck, if it could get through that protective layer of scarf.
Finally it was Competition Day. Since there are only 5 little dancers, and they don’t yet have that Abby Lee Miller pull with the Expense Department, everyone arrived in one of those vans like you see in the Stanley Steemer commercials.
Lucas was psyched to be there, and was already getting his Hollywood on with a pair of gigantic Cee Lo Green shades. Since Lucas is still 80% head, they didn’t look as large as they could have potentially looked as he strutted his stuff around backstage. That kid is a hoot and a half. Almost two hoots, I tell you.
The judges were in place, and it was show time.
Luckily, in case any of the judges got disoriented, someone had thought ahead to set up “JUDGE” place cards at the front table.
Seriously. Who else would be sitting there? Was that really necessary?
No wonder these competitions have to over charge at the snack bar. Somebody is a little OCD with the label maker.
All the solos went down just fine.
Hannah worked it. Lucas was all flexible. Sammy was great, and somehow grew about 2 feet taller during the van ride to the auditorium. I swear she was all legs by the time her solo came around.
Warm & Fuzzy Moment of the night went to Lucas and his little boy crush on Sammy.
It was refreshing to see him dance like a seasoned pro, and then get all doofy and wobbly when he gave Sammy a flower to celebrate nailing her solo. He’s only 9, and we all remember how intimidating those 12 year old girls were in the cafetorium.
Sammy thinks it’s cute, but…duh…he’s only 9 and she could pick him up by the ears. Ain’t gonna happen. Plus boys give you cooties.
Thinking that she could bust her daughter out of probation, Susan tried to get Victor and Angel to allow Jessi to dance a solo despite the fact that she is not registered. When they shot that idea down, Susan had yet another SusanSpaz and stormed out the door.
This is going to get old if she keeps this up every week. Scream. The door. More eyeliner. Scream. The door. More eyeliner.
Susan’s little squirt of drama started the ball rolling again when she proudly stated that Jessi was the best dancer right before the whole scream, door, eyeliner thing erupted. That began a heated discussion on age vs. experience vs. favoritism vs. you’re just nasty.
In between the drama they did manage to squeeze in the group number, which was all about Lucas and his back-up dancers. Lucas got Game, bitches. And he got the trophy, because the group took First Place.
But the thrill of that victory was short lived as the residual fall out from Susan’s latest meltdown set off all the Mom’s hot buttons.
Victor’s Mom Mayra, intentionally or otherwise, ignited the fuse simply by opening her mouth.
Even though everyone was initially distracted by Mayra’s whacked out Kate Gosselin haircut (…please, Lord…do not let that look come back again…) they managed to put it aside long enough to get into some fisticuffs over the whole best dancer hoopla, calling out kids as good and better dancers….while the kids sat right there taking it all in and developing emotional scars.
Poor little Underdog Hannah had scored a 4th place button for her solo and couldn’t have been happier.
That is, until Brigette slammed Debi with the ultimate in classless zingers and proclaimed that she would be embarrassed if her kid got 4th place.
It was right about then that Hannah’s self esteem made a hasty exit out of her body and out the back door that Susan had left open.
Did she seriously just say that in front of everyone?
I almost spit my gum out.