What the…? How does this tall kid keep sneaking back in here? I just changed the locks.
No. Really. It’s Big. Really, really Big. Breathtakingly Big. So Big you’re physically in awe of it’s Bigness.
That’s what she said. This Big.
It’s Big like Cracker Barrel All You Can Eat Buffet Big. Raise your hands if you wanna go for dinner.
You win, or I snap both your arms off like this and you’ll never be able to hold your second place trophy again.
For those of you who missed it…Starpower Talent Competition is big.
Or at least according to Abby Lee Miller it is. And I’m thinking that Girlfriend probably knows a thing or two about All Things Big. She may even qualify as an authority on the subject.
A big authority, if you’ll pardon the precisely placed pun.
This week on Dance Moms, the gang was headed to Woodbridge, New Jersey to try and scoff up all the Starpower trophies in a big way. Other than the Woodbridge Center Mall I don’t really have any idea what’s out there, but whatever it is…if it’s anything like Jersey Hair…I’m sure it’s big.
Before you delete me from your favorite blog sites (…and if you haven’t added me yet, I’m more than happy to pause while you go do it now…) you’ll be happy to know that I think I’m done using the word big.
I just wanted to make certain that you experienced the same repetitive annoyance that the rest of us experienced as Abby pointed out over and over how freakin’ huge Starpower really was in the magical Land of Dance. We get it.
But nobody was goin’ nowhere until the Pyramid of Shame photos were all peeled off like scabby band-aids. I hear that the faster you rip them off, the less it is supposed to hurt.
At the bottom of the Why Don’t We Just Call This The Maddie Show And Be Done With It Pyramid were Brooke and Paige.
Brooke was there, again, because Abby still hated her Mom Kelly and was holding the longest grudge ever in the history of grudge holding because Kelly flipped her the Bird two weeks ago.
I live in a big city and sit in a hot, crowded subway car everyday. If I held a grudge against all the people who flip me off on a daily basis I would never get anything done, and would probably end up being one of those grumpy old coots sitting on a bench outside of Target yelling at kids on skateboards because they can see underwear sticking out of their baggy a** hip hop pants.
At first I thought Paige was on the bottom because Abby didn’t like her new grown up hairdo, which I still swear makes her look less like a little girl and more like that perky college dorm RA we all had who seemed so peppy and smiley until you realized that she cried herself to sleep every night because boys don’t like girls who pound on their door every time they smell weed.
Then I remembered that Kelly was her Mom too, and it all made more sense than the initial hairdo scenario actually did.
Miss Sassy Thang 2012 Nia was also on the bottom, which made both me and Mom Holly a little cranky. Nia did great last time, but she needed to pay attention to her technique. Sometimes her inner Beyoncé comes out, and it’s hard to remember to point your toes when you know they’re not ready for your jelly.
Chloe and Maddie were in the middle row. They both did really well in the last competition, but got knocked down to the second level because House Rules state that the Overall High Score dancer always gets top ranking.
So make room for Mackenzie, bitches!
MackAttack scored the coveted Petite Miss Energy Dance title last week, which is a pretty big deal.
I mean, it’s no Miss Sugarplum Storybook Glitz Super Uber Supreme, but it’s a title. And unless you can convince Mom Melissa to uproot the whole family and move down South before her not so secret wedding, it’s the best you’re gonna get. So blow a few finger kisses and stick it in the trophy case, honey.
Mack was so happy that her hair got some mad crazy balloon static and I’m pretty sure another tooth came in. You done so good you can be in the group dance!
Chloe snagged a solo this week, with a What Goes Around Comes Around theme. It was a poorly veiled subliminal slam against Mom Christi for everything that she ever thought or said or did to Abby.
Maddie’s solo was a Wizard of Oz-ish Looking For A Place Like Home dance. It was an homage to Dorothy, even though Abby pronounced it more like hommmidge, which I believe is either imported cheese or that new kind of yogurt that keeps you regular.
Since Brooke was already clinging to the bottom of the wall collage and had nothing to lose, she bailed and went home to talk about boys and get ready for her 8th grade Farewell Dance. She would miss out on all the Bigness that is Starpower, but she didn’t care because she was getting a new dress and probably an awkward make out session.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do judge all 8th graders by my emotionally scarred cafetorium dance memories. Is there a problem? Can we just move on, please?
The group number was based on the recent theatrical release The Hunger Games, where children killed each other to survive. Replace pointe shoes with bow and arrows, and there you go.
Even though there were still enough dancers to legally call it a group number, Abby felt the need to poke Kelly in the eye just a little more and decided to bring in another dancer to replace Brooke.
Next thing you know, who comes ducking in under the door frame? It’s Payton!
All 8 feet of her.
You remember Payton. The genetically engineered offspring of crazy Walmart shopping Mom Leslie. I say genetically engineered because it sounds cooler and more PC than saying ginormously tall, but now I’ve gone and said that too, so you pick your favorite description of that Amazon.
The last time we saw Payton she had proudly exclaimed that she thought she was better than all the other dancers, which caused a whole lot of screaming and crying and banishment to the other rehearsal studio.
Abby pegged her as The Huntress for the number. Last time she danced she was The Bully sticking “Kick Me” signs on the other girls. This time she was packing heat.
Word on the dance street was that Payton had taken the Bully title to heart and was shoving kids to the ground and generally getting all gangstah thug on any little dancer who was unlucky enough to find themselves alone with her in the parking lot.
When Mom Leslie showed up after a quick trip to Walmart to return some capris that didn’t fit right in the crotch, she flipped out on all the other Moms for talking trash about her daughter.
There needs to be a show with nothing but Leslie flipping out. Immediately.
When we first met her, I couldn’t place the voice. But now that she’s been around for awhile I recognize it.
Leslie is totally that bat s*** crazy lady at the Walmart Customer Service desk having a nuclear meltdown when the sales associate won’t price match her blender because it’s not the identical item. No matter how many times you show her the flyer, all she does is scream and yell and demand to speak to the manager, who you know is hiding behind the photo studio barnyard backdrop in complete terror with a wet spot in his pants.
That bitch is loud and proud. When God made her, He had to remove her compassion and social skills in order to make room for all that extra Spaz.
When Payton took a face plant on a jump to the floor in rehearsals and basically broke her finger, Leslie told her to Suck It Up. Geezis…you’ve got 9 others that still work, don’t you?
Suck It Up is pretty much Leslie’s go-to response when anyone is faced with a challenge in life.
If you’re finger doesn’t heal correctly because you took your splint off for the competition, it’s not like you had big plans to be a hand model anyway. Suck It Up.
When the Moms all got into a bullying session about the actual definition of bullying, it was up to Holly to smack Leslie with her PhD and dumb it down for her in terms she could understand.
Christi wanted to just slap her and show her what real bullying was all about, but she stayed cool because the Lifetime lawyers were behind the cameras. Lawyers and snipers probably show up every time Leslie blows into town.
I don’t know that for a fact, and could potentially have just made it up, but I would bet good money that it’s probably gospel.
Since Starpower was so…not little…the competition was actually broken down into two different venues. A few quick calculations and some basic math skills later, Abby realized that she could enter Maddie in both locations and have a chance at scoring TWO solo trophies. And why should clothing manufacturers be the only people to break child labor laws and work a kid to the bone, right?
After sneaking Melissa and Maddie into an early morning rehearsal, which by my own calculations kinda seemed to cut into what should have been homeroom attendance time, they were all set to work both Starpower auditoriums. After a blood oath of secrecy, that is.
A few Suck It Ups later, it was finally Competition Day!
Payton still had a throbbing finger, which could potentially effect her weightlifting overhead presses when she picked up all the other girls during the performance.
Again…Suck It Up. Even Abby compared Payton’s weenie little finger issue to the poor mountain climber who fell in a crevice and chewed his own arm off. I’m thinking Abby didn’t actually see that movie.
Suck It Up. And then Spit It Out if you have to, you big crybaby.
The group number had a few goobers. MackAttack had trouble climbing all the way up on top of Payton’s big back, which was probably due to the fact that Payton was all covered in nervous flop sweat after missing half her turns.
Someone also needs to explain to me how last week Abby managed to find a retail establishment that sold 3 foot tall spoons made out of solid lead for the group dance, but this week couldn’t manage to track down one sporting goods store that carried an archery set?
As a result, it was up to Payton to Suck It Up and fling imaginary arrows at the girls until they collapsed one by one like roadkill onto the stage.
They only scored Second Place, which as we all know by now, is the First Loser.
Totally unrelated, Abby was in the audience with a big foam circle that I thought was one of those hemorrhoid donuts that you put under your butt, but then I saw some more on stage and realized they were Starpower branded frisbees or something. Yes, I was disappointed.
Maddie’s solo was great. In both locations. The Oz number had her hooched up in a little two piece Dorothy number, which was cute since she’s still a little kid. A few years from now I can totally picture that outfit on some sorority bitch who’s slamming beers at a Halloween frat party with her BFF dressed as a naughty nurse.
Chloe did great, too. But her choreography was…meh.
By the time that Maddie brought back TWO top solo trophies, one from each location, the episode ended just like the 17 episodes before it. Except this one had the added bonus of Leslie’s big Walmart mouth which was flapping around so much that I can’t believe she didn’t get lipstick all over her teeth.
Moms were flipping out right and left, screaming favoritism and claiming that the other kids were always set up to fail with sub par choreography.
Kelly got (bleeped) out a few times, which made me smile because it seemed more like an episode of Dance Mob Wives. (Which I would totally watch every week, by the way.)
Leslie accused Christi of just being a sore loser. Christi rolled her eyes and made some of the best faces that she has made in two seasons.
Holly silently wondered if she could get her job back at the school on Monday and make this all go away.
Melissa did a lousy job of pretending she didn’t know anything about the second venue.
Payton’s twisted finger finally fell off.
And now you have to wait a whole week for another episode and my witty ramblings?
Suck It Up.