The Real Housewives Of New Jersey Reunion Part Three: Go Scratch My Back And I’ll Stab Yours. Somebody Knew Something Was Going Down.

 

I never called you a stripper. I called you a bartender who took her clothes off for money! Get your story straight.

 

 

Youz all big MoMos. So just check out my wife’s jugs and then return my freakin’ Craftsman ratchet wrench set.

 

 

I knew I should have bought the contract with the Unlimited Texting Plan. It’s only the 15th and I’m already screwed.

 

 

No, I said come up here and scratch mine, you stupid bitch. That new nose is kinda hot.

 

 

 

In Touch Magazine only paid me for this many stories. How many is this again? Help me out, Juicy.

 

 

One morning after Richie’s big “alarm clock” went off, my eyeballs stuck like this. True Story.

 

 

Scratching.

Doing it.  Or telling somebody to go do it.  I’m not really sure.

But they say it’s a Jersey Thing.

And it must be, because there was certainly enough of it going down at The Borgata during the dysfunctional, not so family-friendly third and final installment of  The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion this week.  It got nasty.

There were Wives trying to scratch each other’s eyes out.  There was Andy Cohen nervously scratching his head and giving us pretty much every googly AndyFace in his arsenal.  And even though they didn’t show it on camera, you know that at some point during the 12 hour Atlantic City taping Juicy Joe Giudice scratched his junk like a primitive ape a few times between belches.

Yup.  Third Time’s A Charm.

Andy picked up right where we left off in Part Two, with Joe still smirking on the couch next to his Fabuliciously delusional wife, Teresa.  Affectionately referred to by Joe as either Tre or the C-word (…dependent on the social situation, I’m going to assume…) Teresa was still trying to justify both why she sells stories to In Touch Magazine and why she was still married to that greasy gorilla.

After Andy offered up another flashback snippet of Yoda Manzo wisdom, he asked Caroline to clarify her seemingly psychic prediction that Teresa may one day find herself in divorce court.

Ok.  One…they should totally do that ’70s sitcom Dream Sequence thing where the screen gets all wobbly and blurry and then Time Machine music plays whenever Andy shows a clip from the past.  I would find that enjoyable.

Two…if by divorce court Caroline had meant the old network Divorce Court TV show, then I think it would be a pretty safe bet that Teresa would already be picking out camera-friendly outfits.  Girlfriend does love her closeups.

Joe doesn’t handle verbal confrontation very well.  We saw it all season.  And we saw it at the Reunion.

If he could punch everyone out, then he’d be fine.  But when he’s forced to sit in a fancy ballroom, getting head sweat in an uncomfortable leisure suit from Jersey Shore Portly, the best he could come up with were his go-to junior high playground bully lines.

Whadda ya gonna do?  Whatevah.  You’re fat.  Whatevah.  You’re a stupid doodie head.  Whatevah.  You’re a kaka face. Whatevah.  And then some (bleeped) out gems.

Whatevah.

The usual bully stuff.  And usually spoken while looking straight ahead.  Joe doesn’t like eye contact either.  Name calling…yes.  Eye contact…not so much.

After calling Caroline a Know It All, Joe and Teresa stumbled over their reasoning for talking to the media, claiming that they were apparently the only two cast members ever asked.  When everyone else jumped in and explained that they are all asked for gossipy articles but choose not to participate, Teresa shrugged and said it was their “opportunity not to do it,” which I don’t believe even makes any sense.  I’m thinking that she may have confused opportunity with prerogative since they sound so much alike.  Whatevah.

Andy wanted to get to the good stuff, so he asked Jabba what was up with his DMV legal battle.  The legal battle where Joe is accused of using either a fake ID, or someone else’s ID, to try and get a fake license since The Man had taken the old one which in a roundabout way then forced him to sell the pizza place where he had made his daughter cry during a cost-cutting birthday party with paper plates.  That one.

Yes.  That was a long, rambling sentence, thank you.  But I wanted to get it all in and pick up the pace here.  Hulu the pizza episode if you have no idea what I’m talking about.  Let’s keep this thing moving, people.

If convicted Juicy could face up to 10 years in jail.  Or “go away” for 10 years, as they like to call it in Jersey.

But he didn’t know what was going on with the legal battle.  Didn’t know where they stood.  Whatevah.  Just keep looking straight ahead.  Whatevah.  Then he claimed that it would be stupid to try and get a fake license.

When Jacqueline perked up and announced that Jabba had asked Chris about getting a fake license, Teresa had to jump on the pig pile and protect her man by screaming “OhMyGod! Heckel & Jyde!”

Now unless that’s a new act opening next month at The Borgata, or the two French designers who made her Christmas Tree gown, I’m pretty sure Teresa was speaking gibberish again.  She does like to make up new words.  I mean…Tre is already on the third phonetic version of her own last name, for crying out loud.

But that’s her opportunity, I guess.

Then the rest of the MoMo husbands all hopped up on their chairs and the MoMo party started.  Boyz were in da hizzle, bitches.

I’m not really sure what MoMos are in JerseySpeak, but since it came out of Juicy’s mouth I am fairly certain it wasn’t meant as  a compliment to any of the men.

After a quick Dream Sequence where all the men either swore, drank or whipped out their pixelated wieners, the Face-Off was on like Donkey Kong between Juicy and brother-in-law Joe Gorga.

Joe claimed that Juicy was jealous because of all his success.  Juicy said he wanted all his tools back.  Joe said he used to think they were like cousins, to which Teresa pig squealed that marrying cousins was gross.  (She totally missed the point on that one.)  Juicy was still missing some drill bits and wanted them back.

It wasn’t exactly Face The Nation, if you know what I mean.

Even Jacqueline took a break from all the drama to address a few split ends that had been bothering her since the Green Room.  No lie.  Check the tape.

To lighten the mood and give the viewing audience some bed spins after the show ended, Andy segued into Richie Wakile‘s boner (…can you even say that on a blog?…) and the long term trauma it may have caused their children.

It was difficult to tell if wife Kathy was surprised, embarrassed,  horrified or just healing from her face lift, because for the last three weeks her eyes have been rolled up towards her forehead and I don’t really know what’s going on there, to be honest.

She did manage to turn around and high five Hubby for tapping that thing every morning like an alarm clock.  Got that visual?

Now my eyes won’t roll back down, either.

Then it was back to some more mano a mano.  Juicy and Joe continued their screaming match, dragging everyone down with them into the Strippergate quicksand.  Juicy claimed that Chris had bragged about meeting Jacqueline when she was a stripper, then back tracked a bit when Chris explained the difference between pole dancing and setting up a trade show booth.

Teresa announced that Caroline had also told her that Jacqueline used to be a stripper, which woke Caroline up from what appeared to be a short nap.  And then the whole Melissa stripping thing came up again a few times, which made for a nice lead-in to a breaking news report that Joe used to strip for Chippendales.  Shut up.

I know, right?

Joe Gorga…not Joe Giudice.  Gross.

Then everyone screamed and (bleeped) some more about strippers, Juicy’s black eye, Richie’s junk and a Chippendales G-string shaped like an elephant nose.  It was a lot to process all at once.

As things spiraled out of control like the first Obama/Romney Debate, it became clear that Joe and Teresa were nowhere near a place where they could begin repairing their broken relationship.  Joe confronted Tre about calling Melissa a stripper and demanded that she own it.

Yeah.  Let me get right on that, bro.  As if.

Joe even dragged out the Big Guns and blurted out that their own father claimed Teresa had said it, with Jacqueline tag teaming him on the mat.  This was followed with all the usual “Prove it Bitch” threats that you would expect after a revelation involving parents.

If this whole Bravo TV thing doesn’t work out for Andy, I’m thinking he has a job waiting for him at The Borgata as a card table dealer, because Dude was shuffling through those blue cards so nervously I was afraid he might slit an artery as tempers escalated.

It was getting heated between Brother and Sister.

Teresa deflected all blame and hit low,  telling Joe he was breaking their parents’ hearts.  If you all remember anything from the Christening From Hell…you don’t diss the parents around Joe, so that got exactly the reaction she wanted.  Then somebody told somebody else to shut the f*** up, followed by Jacqueline telling Teresa to kiss her a**.

When Teresa shot back with kiss my t*****s, all I could picture was a face full of bronzer after motor boating those two bad boys, and it made the moment a little less dark.

And then, like any good reunion, Andy uttered the words that always make for one great final blow out before the closing credits:  “There is someone else…”

Kim D.

That’s right, bitches.  The other Posche Spice just showed up to break it all down for Andy and Co.

The woman responsible for the only annual fashion show in the world that always ends in a throw down slowly appeared from the shadows like that guy in the second X-Men movie.  Bamf!!  Out of the darkness.

…And into the hot seat to attempt a jumbled explanation on whether or not Melissa was set up by Teresa and that skeevy, bald strip club manager Angelo.

By this point, everyone knew that someone at the fashion show knew something was gonna go down.  They just didn’t know who knew what and when and what time it would all go down.

Kim made no secrets about her issues with Melissa and how Mrs. Gorga had promoted another business with the same name.  Which in the haute couture biz is apparently not cool.  Not cool at all.  So Kim D. was already out for blood by the time slickster Angelo arrived on her doorstep.  Or as Kim explained it…things just fall into her lap.

All I could picture were severed heads and ragged hair extensions dropping from the heavens.  She kind of scares me.  She plays with the Big Boys, you know.

Right about now the Teresa Witch Hunt went into overdrive.

The night of the show, Kim had told Caroline that Teresa knew something was gonna go down (…they used that phrase a lot in the last 5 minutes of the Reunion…) but she was rather vague on how much Teresa knew.  Jacqueline was just as vague regarding who she had been texting all evening, because it was allegedly someone Teresa knew.  But in a Court of Reality Law, vague holds up quite nicely with the jury and everyone came down hard on Teresa.  Guilty as charged.

Teresa called Jacqueline a calculating witch because she hadn’t called her anything since the last commercial break and felt Jacqueline was due another jab.  Kim wove a tangled story about Angelo and the salon and Teresa’s involvment, though she seemed more excited to meet Andy Cohen than to save Teresa’s sorry a** from any angry villagers.

Joe and Teresa hit one more dead end regarding whatever was left of their family.  Joe felt he had lost his parents.  Melissa was done.  Stick a fork in it.  Done.

As Part Three boiled over and finally simmered on the stove, it was clear that Teresa had some involvement in whatever went down.  And it was equally as clear that the Giudice/Gorga family was one big hot mess.

And it was kind of sad.  Train wreck sad.  That kind.

Andy gave the floor to Yoda Manzo for her final take on the televised destruction of two families, and Caroline jumped at the chance to go full on Maya Angelou.

If Maya Angelou was 1/16th Italian, that is.

Teresa had lost her voice.  As well as half her body glitter, which had smeared on Andy’s suit every time he raised his arm to protect his face over the last 12 hours.

Juicy just wanted to go out for a nice dinner because he could care less about all those people and their MoMo husbands.

His family was in ruins, and nobody wants to film with Teresa for Season Five.  But Caroline said that where there’s love, there’s hope.

Whatevah.

She can go scratch.

Giudice.  Out.

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