Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition: It Was Time To Unleash The Monsters And Release All The Crazies Into The Night. It’s Really Hard Being So Pretty.



The AUDC Honey Badger don’t give a s*** that you used to choreograph for Lady Gaga, dude.





Oh…Hell…No. Seriously? You wanna go there? Jenny from the Knock Your Block Off don’t play, bitch.





This is the same face that got me Homecoming Queen and kicked out of my sorority in the same week. True story.





Elvira, Mistress of the Dark finds that face unacceptable. Unless you’re at the buffet table and it’s closing time. Bam!




You don’t talk. Do not talk. Do you understand me? Answer me. But do not talk. Hellooo?






A tractor beam from the Cray Cray Mothership claims yet another victim.




I’ve said it before, and I’ll probably say it again.

The second date is always more fun than the first.

That’s the date when you’ve made it past the awkward introductions and artificial small talk, gotten past the forced smiles and back stories, and can finally start being yourself.  The date when you can stop sucking in your stomach and let some of the Crazy out to play.

Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition was back for Round Two this week with tougher dance numbers, noticeably heavier and inappropriately shiny daytime makeup and much crazier Moms.


It was still no Dance Moms, though they are trying their gosh darnedest, but beggars can’t be choosers between seasons.  I’ll take any Crazy that I can get in a dry spell, thank you.

Now that we all made it through the rules and regulations last time, we could get right to the good stuff without any paperwork.

Right out of the gate, everyone’s favorite wannabe network host Kevin Manno gathered all the little dancers together to lay down some deets for this week’s competition.

You gotta love Manno.  You just know he religiously follows Ryan Seacrest on Twitter, probably has LA’s KIIS FM loaded into one of the first buttons in his Hundai and totally stays home on New Year’s Eve just to watch the luckiest s.o.b. ever (…next to Justin Bieber…) model yet another Burberry coat in front of some couple making out in foam Nivea hats.

But I’m not judging.  We all need something to strive for.  And sooner or later Seacrest is going to blow his back out carrying around all that money, and someone is going to have to step in to cover.  At least temporarily.

The mini Group Number challenge this time around was focused on the dancers’ sheer physical strength.  Something that should be a piece o’ cake for a boy, right?  A point which Kevin threw like a football towards the show’s token Alpha Male Zack.

Except that Zack doesn’t play football, or weight train, which the little guy demonstrated by flexing his Olive Oyl biceps.  Yeah.  Not so much.

Dude likes to style girls’ hair though, and can do a mean updo for a 13 year old.  You might want to stick around for that revelation later in this week’s game.  Even Mom Gina had to scrunch her nose and admit that maybe her son isn’t the one to call when you can’t get the pickle jar open.  But I really like the kid.  And he has a Bro Card, so it’s all good.

The winner of this week’s mini challenge would get a solo at the competition.  So it was game on.

I’m going to assume that Lady Gaga must have an unlimited stable of choreographers at her disposal, because otherwise I don’t know how she would ever learn any moves considering that everyone on her payroll seems to be taking part in this show.

Not to be outdone by Judge Richy Jackson and his newly carved zig zag gangsta dancer hairdo, yet another Little Monster showed up to run this week’s mini challenge.  Victor Rojas was in the house.  And he wasn’t putting up with any slackers when it came to nailing down his choreography.

Right away, bite sized Beyoncé wannabe Asia admitted that she was not very good at picking things up.  Unless it’s a makeup brush and a full MAC cosmetic tester unit from Macy’s, that is.  Did you see that poor little nugget’s face?  Girlfriend was painted up with enough age inappropriate makeup to keep her going the entire Mardi Gras parade route without a touch up.

In the rain.  Twice.

Asia put NutWad bumble bee Vivi-Anne‘s A.M. glitter eye shadow to shame.

Somebody needs a juice box and some cold cream.  Stat.

After playing the Divorce Card last week and trying to uncontrollably and hysterically sob her way out of a bad performance, Elisabeth figured that she would give it one more try this week.  When questioned by Victor as to why she was spacing out a little bit, it was all about the water works one mo’ time.

Though we’re only in the second week the other Moms had pretty much already come up with a number of Conspiracy Theories as to why Elisabeth and Mom Erin kept throwing a broken marriage in everyone’s face, running the gamut from a simple distraction technique to International Espionage.

Whatever the reason, that girl likes to cry.  A lot.  Big, drama-filled tears.  Like you see on the CW.  The kind of tears where if you don’t see a dead body anywhere in near proximity to all the hysteria you may begin to kinda sorta feel that someone may be faking it a little.

That kind.

Today was her parents’ anniversary.  The last one.  Ever.  So que the sobs.

By the time the first round of tears were done and the mini challenge performed in front of Abby, it was Jordyn who took top prize.  Mom Kelly, who you will remember almost wet herself on the initial cab ride over last week, had another moment and almost blacked out.  Mom appears to be overly excitable.

God help the Publisher’s Clearing House Patrol when they pull up to that condo.

Not only did Jordyn score the coveted solo spot, but as an added twist she was allowed to hand a second solo to one of her competitors.  I know, right?  OMG.  Way to tweak the rules, Abby.  Never saw that one coming.

Since Jordyn is a pretty sly smarty pants and didn’t want any another girl looking better than her on a solo, she picked Zack because he was the closest thing to not a girl in the room.  (No hate mail, please.  I love the dude.  That was just for a chuckle, not to imply anything or make any improper judgements.  Besides, I’m saving that for the paragraph on hair styling.)

As all the Moms and kids split into their trio groups to figure out costuming and such, it was almost time for another Elisabeth meltdown.  Since the theme for the show was “Monsters of the Night,” everyone was trying to figure out how to bling out a zombie when crazy a** dance teacher know-it-all Yvette asked Erin if she would be willing to cut Elisabeth’s hair.


Even her fake hair?

Oh snap.  She went there on hair extensions.  Which people do all the time in the ‘hood and on VH1.  But I guess not at Elisabeth’s school.  Because of all her meltdowns so far, this one was the best.

The.  Best.  Ever.

I can only hope to move my own butt that fast someday if my building ever catches on fire, because Elisabeth took her Barbie weave and bolted from the crowd so fast I was afraid she was going to lose a few inches from just wind sheer alone.

And then it just spiraled out of control into a classic moment that almost dislocated my jaw it was so good.  A moment so classic that I actually have to break my own unwritten Toddlers & Tiaras rule and basically just verbally slap a kid for saying something so stupid that I spit my drink out.

Spoken between hiccups and breathy sobs, I give you Elisabeth’s explanation on her behavior:

Like.  Duh.  She’s pretty.

And she knows she’s pretty.  But she’s not cocky, ok?  She’s humble about it.  People want to be her.  And sometimes it’s just really hard to be her because she’s so pretty.

Really hard to be her?  Just.  Shut.  It.  Down.

No wonder her Mom’s eyebrows are always in a constant state of WTF.

Seriously.  How does that happen?  Feel free to discuss it on some online child rearing forum when we’re done, because right now we need to move on.

After Elisabeth tightened her tracks and pulled herself together, everyone got down to rehearsing.  Fierce Bobby Newberry was back to show them bitches how hip hop is done, but we barely got to see him this week.  And I wasn’t liking that one bit.

More, please.

Zack’s solo was going to be a bloody Prom Night car crash number, while Jordyn’s solo was something to do with spiders under her canopy bed.  Mom Kelly took the whole “Monster” thing a little too far and went completely vampire bats*** crazy on her daughter as they ran through the number, telling Jordyn to do it and don’t talk.  Don’t talk.  You don’t talk.

Lights out, said the Warden.

Back at the wardrobe tables, Yvette and Asia’s Mom Kristie weren’t feeling the love and somehow ended up in a ginormous street fight over Yvette’s Crazy Cheshire Cat grin that never seems to disappear from her face.  Kristie coudn’t understand why Yvette smiles when she’s happy, smiles when she is yelling, smiles when a little kid cries and probably smiles when she sleeps.

Gah.  I officially now love me some Kristie.  She’s like Jennifer Lopez.  If Jennifer Lopez had ever really been from The Block and had stayed on The Block and knew how to snap a neck while still keeping one hand on the wheel of her Fiat.

That JLo.

You don’t know me.  You wanna go?  Oh, you wanna go?  It almost got a little ghetto for a Dance Moms spin-off, and I approved.  Two thumbs and a one switch blade up.

Somewhere in the middle of all that, Elisabeth cried again in her trio.  I forget if it was before or after or during.  Or maybe she was still crying from last time.  Whatev.  But she cried again.  I’m really starting to think that perhaps back home on whatever planet she and Erin come from that it could be possible that junior high drama club cafetorium stage crying is how their alien race lubricates their eyeballs.

Maybe it’s actually a necessity in their culture.  This may require additional research before next week’s breakdown.

Finally it was Competition Day!  And time to get your hair did at the Haus of Zack.

Now any of you who have been around this hot mess of a blog long enough know that I am the world’s biggest supporter of kids doing whatever they want, and following whatever path they choose.  And boy dancers get a bonus point just for putting up with all the crap that the other Dbag kids in school hand them in gym class.

Purple Nurples, anyone?

But a boy dancer who also looooves doing hair instead of playing football just made me grin.  Nothing bad.  Just made me grin.

And props to Mom Gina again, because not only does she have that whole pickle jar scenario to explain to all the relatives every holiday, but now she also calmly admitted that Zack is ‘very comfortable’ with himself.  Which can lend itself to about as many interpretations as their are languages.  Which is a lot, not even counting Elisabeth’s planet.

You go, Zack.  I got your back, buddy.

It’s just not necessary to knock over two of the other Moms just so you can get to someone’s makeup chair before anyone else touches the hair.  That’s where I grinned.

Yvette did her usual huddled up pep talk to her daughter confirming that, once again, none of the girls were as good as Hadley.

Then everybody danced.  It was all ghosts and goblins and werewolves.  And dry ice and gravestones and that fake blood you can buy at CVS.  And three kind of dirty, slutty vampires that totally reminded me of those college girls who always dress like Naughty Nurses every Halloween.

(I should probably also mention that at the start of the dirty vampire number Abby moaned “Oh Yeah” like you’re supposed to only do when the fireman comes on stage at Chippendales.  That was just odd.)

Robin and Richy didn’t get much face time this week.  I’m surprised that the judges don’t do much more than judge.  Go figure.  Maybe later on in the season.

Some of the kids did great.  Some did not.

When it was all said and done, Jordyn got called out for not doing all the things that Mom had told her to do, so she received a very supportive “This is on you” from Kelly.

Thanks for that, Mom.  See you in Therapy.

Poor little Kyleigh Jai was sent home, primarily because her Mom Kristen was too nice and normal.   Crazy sells.  Normal is boring.  But maybe that’s just me.

I’m sure somewhere in there Elisabeth must have cried a few more times, but by the end I had lost track of who was who with all that runny Thriller makeup.  Everyone was either crying or bleeding by the time it was over from what I could tell.

It was a graveyard smash.

And then there were 10.

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One Response to “Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition: It Was Time To Unleash The Monsters And Release All The Crazies Into The Night. It’s Really Hard Being So Pretty.”

  1. bill Says:

    You had me at “Olive Oyl arms”

    This being Lifetime, they had to be positively giddy over at corporate when they discovered that their token male likes doing hair and makeup. He’d be the hit of any pre-teen girl’s slumber party.

    Unfortunately, the boy does need to spend a bit of time in the weight room, where he probably won’t be as wildly popular as he is in the dance girls dressing room, but unless a male dancer is Mikhail Baryshnikov – and let’s be honest here, he ain’t – then sooner or later he’ll need to be able to toss ballerinas around like bags of sugar and right now I’m thinking he’d have a problem with 5 lbs. of Dominos finest, let alone, say, his pal Elizabeth.

    Anyway, Mikhail was built like an NFL free safety while our boy Zack looks a lot more like Manute Bol.

    That aside, it’s become clear what the producer’s strategy is in working out the elimination order:

    Get rid of all the MILFy Moms first.

    Tessa’s mother was pretty much the pick of the crop, and she went in week one, which could have been a coincidence. But in week 2 they cut Kyleigh Jai’s hottie of an old lady and the plan became clear.

    The best of the rest consists of Coreen (Madison’s mom) and Kristie (Asia), but unless Madison shows up for her trio strung out on crystal meth, she’s not going anywhere for a while, which would seem to indicate that Asia is in serious trouble which, let’s face it, she ought to be given the fact that she’s SIX FREAKIN YEARS OLD.

    But Kristie probably forestalled a quick exit by threatening to take a bitch out to the lot and open her up like a carp.

    And unfortunately for Yvette, Hadley would be too busy figuring out how the unfortunate parking lot gutting of her dear mother would impact her shot at winning to shed any tears. Unless she thought that would get Ricky’s vote.

    A couple of cold ones, those two. “Get the biscuit” my ass.

    Another key to understanding the direction of the show is to pay attention to who they put in a trio with Brianna and Amanda.

    Last week it was Elizabeth who got to stand there while those two made her look like Vivi-Anne on cough syrup, and she almost got to go cry at home instead of into a Courtyard by Marriott pillow.

    This week, they stuffed poor Kyleigh Jai in with those two circling sharks, and while she gave it a brave try there was just no chance. She was meat and, honestly, looked like she knew it.

    Next on the block – assuming they decide to keep Kristie around hoping she bitch slaps Yvette – you have to figure Tua is a goner. Her Mom Shayna has made absolutely no effort to get into it with another mother, hasn’t screamed at her kid and hasn’t referred to Abby as “wide load” or “cake dumpster” or “lardass” or…well, you get the idea.

    Girl isn’t even trying.

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