Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition: It Was Dancing Through The Decades. A Chance To Hip Hop, Doo Wop And Pop Off. Being Crazy Is Timeless.



We come too far to not have at least one major meltdown. BeDazzling hard. It’s my turn, bitches.






Pussycat Dolls…Pussycat Dolls…Pussycat Dolls…Pussycat Dolls…Pussycat Dolls…Pussycat Dolls…





You wanna see Mommy lose it? Is that what you want? Drop It Like It’s Hot!






I didn’t choose the Thug Life. The Thug Life chose me. It’s Hammer Time, yo.






Did that little girl just flash a gang sign on national television? That is so Buck.






And Lord, thank you for not making me the crazy one this week. I owe you one.





All aboard the AUDC Time Machine as we go dancing through the decades.

Please buckle up, keep your hands and feet inside the ride, and together we will discover that no matter what the era…Dance Moms are all still bat s*** cray cray.

Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition was back for Round 6, and this time it was a trip through time as the remaining Joffrey wannabes were put through a crash course in dance history.

From prohibition to hip hop, the girls all flapped and old skooled their way through to yet another elimination, edging themselves one step closer to long term therapy and/or that juicy ballet school scholarship.

And after 5 weeks of competition, the stress was beginning to show as both Moms and kids teetered dangerously close to the edge of meltdown.

But mostly the Moms.  Der.

Prepping for the Group Challenge portion of the extravaganza, it was clear that some of the Moms were already on their way off the deep end.  And before lunch.

Human fortune cookie Yvette started us off with yet another one of her snippets of wisdom as she got all inspirationally up in daughter Hadley‘s face.

“You’re IN, or you’re in the way.”

Boom.  Take that.  Learn it.  Then earn it, kid.  How I’ve missed Yvette’s little t-shirt anecdotes.  She’s been too busy going insane to keep up with her inner Maya Angelou lately, so it was good to see her back in the Hallmark game.

Down the hall, Mom Kelly was crimping Jordyn‘s hair and going the Fear Factor route.

“I’m not your Mom anymore.  I’m your teacher.”  It is your Destiny, Young Skywalker.

I was actually more fascinated that you can actually still buy crimping irons.  Kelly might want to toss that thing into the AUDC Time Machine when no one’s looking and send it back to whatever Jersey Mall it came from before all of Jordyn’s hair breaks off like poorly glued tracks in a VH1 chick fight.

Mom Maria was the biggest mess this time around.  All homesick and teary eyed as she Skyped with whomever on her MacBook, Lexine braced herself for a long week.  Maria exhibited all the signs that Dr. Drew is always talking about on his show.  You could tell it wouldn’t be long now before the waterworks really kicked in.

Then it was off to the Group Challenge, to meet up with Abby Lee Miller and see what new outfit Kevin Manno had picked up over the weekend.

Clearly inspired by those new JCPenney color block commercials, Kevin was working his sport coat, slightly different dye lot vest, purple shirt and yellow crew neck.  Totally right off the commercial.  At least now we finally know the one person who is still shopping at JCPenney.

How can you not love this guy?  I’m going to assume that it was sheer coincidence that the Hanes t-shirt was the same yellow as 85% of Abby’s ensemble, because if Kevin is now purposely coordinating his outfit to match that big lady from Dance Moms…well…I just don’t know if I can watch this show anymore.

There’s kissing up to your Boss, and then there’s kissing up to your Boss.

But we love Kevin.  Especially when he winks and makes that fist to emphasis the “Ultimate” part of the show’s title.  Like it’s a cage match or something.  Grrr.


The skill this week was Improvisation.

I know, right?  Crazy.  So that meant a Dance Off with no rules and no chance of anyone beating sassy Asia.

One by one Abby paired the girls up against each other and then shooed them off the dance floor at her discretion.  Only little Asia survived until the end.

Granted, she only did four moves.  Five if you count striking a pose.  But when you add a 6 year old booty pop into the mix, that’s like shooting fish in a barrel.  The other girls didn’t stand a chance.  That had to be jelly, cuz jam don’t shake like that.

Yeah.  Asia definitely brought all the boys to the yard again.  And more than likely one or two Neighborhood Watch parents from Child Services as well.  That little nugget is living proof that owning every Beyoncé DVD definitely pays off in the end.

So save your allowance, kids.  And back dat thang up.

Since the theme was a Journey Through The Decades, every duet and solo was based on…well…a journey through the decades.

(You needed me to break that one down for you?  It’s really not that hard if you hadn’t skimmed the first part of the blog, thank you.)

On to the practice round.

Madison‘s solo was a ’60s Go Go dance on a giant box.  Like Laugh-In without the boob jokes.  You bet your bippy it was.

In retrospect, Mom Coreen probably should have refilled her anti-anxiety meds before entering into this competition, because her fear of heights nearly caused her to pull Madison right off the box within the first 45 minutes of rehearsal.

Mom was so terrified that Maddy would pirouette herself right into paralysis that she badgered choreographer Gina Starbuck so incessantly that I thought Gina would break Coreen’s neck as a preemptive measure.

Brianna‘s ’20s flapper routine was challenging to her girly side, and you could tell that the whole “Sometimes I’m an Outcast” thing was gurgling up a little.

Asia and Lexine’s ’80s pop routine was like a Cindy Lauper meets Madonna meets The Wiggles kind of thing.

Maria cried a lot.  A lot.  She even locked herself in the bathroom or store room or something until Jennifer Lopez slapped some sense into her.

I seriously have a crush on Kristie.  Does she even own a pair of understated diamond studs?  Don’t make me hit you, bitch.

Hadley and Amanda were assigned a ’50s malt shop boogie.  Not as dangerous as dancing on a box, but I suppose you could lose an eye from the straw in your root beer float if you’re not really paying attention.

Jordyn and all her crimped goodness scored the second solo…’90s Hip Hop.

Hip Hop.  Which for some reason Kelly insisted on demonstrating to all of America as she morphed into Über Stage Mom and bullied her daughter throughout the hotel.

Kelly.  Doing Hip Hop.

Take the time now to scroll back up and look at Mom’s photo.  Then go to youtube and find some MTV hip hop videos.  And then look at Mom again.  And then watch another video.  And then look at Mom again.

Don’t break a Hip…Hop.

Your honor, I rest my case.

Most of the Moms took a breather and headed out for some lunch, but it was pretty uneventful.  They haven’t learned how to throw down like Real Housewives yet, so you didn’t miss much.  NeNe Leakes needs to get that dopey son of hers into Dance…then we can get this party started.

Maria cried again.  She was even more homesick, and had fallen behind in rhinestoning Lexine’s outfit.  It would appear that arts & crafts are not her thing.

Yvette even had one more fortune cookie to open before the competition really kicked into gear.

“It’s never your setback.  It’s your comeback.”

If Maria didn’t suck so bad at BeDazzling she should totally hot glue that to a leotard.

Then she could have slid it under the bathroom door to Brianna, who had also locked herself in there for a good pre-game cry.  Dramz, I tell you.  Dramzzzz.

Finally it was Showtime!

Richy Jackson was already finger waving himself into a seizure before the first dancer hit the stage.  In all the excitement of the evening he had misplaced the sleeves on yet another denim graffiti jacket and was all string bean arms and glow stick fingers.  Werk.

Robin Antin was all dewy and shiny, and ready to mention the Pussycat Dolls…again…as soon as the starting gun went off.

Seriously.  Did she just invent those hoochies, or did she actually physically give birth to each one of them on a Vegas stage?  Cuz I’m not really sure anymore.

Robin liked Brianna’s flapper girl number, but wanted her to wear stiletto heals like the Pussycat Dolls.  Because they are apparently the only female performers to ever wear high heels on stage.  Ever, I guess.

Nobody lost an eye during the sock hop number, though Robin did start bashing Hadley because she wasn’t as good as Amanda…or the Pussycat Dolls.  Which in turn caused Richy to nervously pee his pants and then jump in to prevent Hadley from throwing herself off the Laugh-In box.

Yvette cried after that.  I think she was just sad that she didn’t get much crazy time this week.

Backstage before the Madonna/Teletubbies routine, Maria had meltdown #97 and threatened to pack and go home right now if Lexine didn’t listen to her.

We go home.  We go home now.


The two little tykes made it on stage eventually.  Or at least I believe they were both on stage.  All you could really see was Asia booty popping and doing the Crazy In Love video for 2 minutes, so I can’t say for certain. But Maria was behind the curtain standing next to Jennifer Lopez, so Lexine must have been on stage somewhere.

Madison made it through the Go Go box without cracking her head open.

Robin liked the way she swung her ponytail ‘like no one she knows’ (…not even the Pussycat Dolls?…) because doing that is hard.

Like hyper-spatial physics, I assume.  They’re both hard.

Jordyn finished off the night with her Disney Hip Hop.  Srsly.

It was like one of the princesses got all ‘hood one night when nobody was in the castle.

She did great.  Don’t get me wrong.  But she’s a tiny little blonde thing.

Richy loved it.  He even went from one finger to a two finger wave, which impressed Abby.  When he hyperventilated that Jordyn gets a Deuce, it was kind of gross if you ever go on the Urban Dictionary website.  But he didn’t mean the nasty kind.

If the Lifetime censors weren’t in the auditorium I swear he would have given her 3 finger waves.  He was on Fi. Yah.

Robin squeezed in a few more homages to the PCD and then it was time to cut one tiny dancer.  It was time for this shizzle to get realz.

In the end, it was little Lexine who was sent packing.  Which was a good thing as far as panicked last minute BeDazzling goes, but not so much for hopes of Joffrey stardom.

She was a sweetie.  She cried.  And Mom cried.  Everyone was sad.

When it’s down to so few dancers, these kind of shows always start to get a little dysfunctional on elimination night.

You hate to see anyone go.  But better them than you, right?

Hadley just barely made the cut, and Mom summed it up with a musical fortune cookie.

“What doesn’t kill her makes her stronger.”

Thanks, Yvette.  You heard it here first.

So go see Kelly Clarkson in concert.  I’m sure she’s opening for the Pussycat Dolls.

And then there were 6.

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One Response to “Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition: It Was Dancing Through The Decades. A Chance To Hip Hop, Doo Wop And Pop Off. Being Crazy Is Timeless.”

  1. Annette Says:

    Poor Lexine may have done better and not been sent packing if her crazy-ass mom didn’t go all psycho on her right before she had to go on stage. That girl must be a nervous wreck most of her life, with that wonderful mom going at her all of the time. Geesh.

    I have been so impressed by Abby’s seemingly endless supply of colorful plastic jewelry. But my admiration reached soaring new heights as I caught sight of her matching PLASTIC HEADBANDS!! I swear, when I was a little girl my mom used to buy big packs of those things at the dime store. Apparently Abby hung on to hers.

    Can’t wait until next week for a whole new batch of crazy. These moms make Abby seem totally rational.

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