Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition: It Was Time To Send In The Facially Challenged Clowns. Cirque Du Solos Just Opened Under Abby’s Big Top.



I bet Seacrest’s hair never looked this big on camera. Who’s yer Daddy now, Ryan?





Lord. You promised me that kid with the face would be gone by this week…





And whatever you do baby, do not tell Anthony Burrell that Mommy thinks he is one fine piece of ManCandy, ‘kay?





No, seriously. That vendor cart outside? Sausages THIS big.





Here’s a thought. Worry about your own kid before I rip your face off and hand it to her.





OhNoTheyDin’t just give that 2 year old’s booty a freakin’ standing ovation.






First off,  I’m 7. But I got no problem going all 13 year old on your a**, bitch.




Ladies and Gentlemen. Boys and Girls.  Children of all ages and flexibility.

Step right up, point your sickle toes and let me direct your attention to the center ring where you will be witness to the experience of a lifetime.

Or Lifetime Television, anyway.

Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition was down to the final four.  One week away from the big prize.  You could almost smell the Joffrey scholarship it was so close.

So that meant the remaining few dancers had to either bring their  A Game and their performance faces, or risk having to pack it all up and drive away in some little clown car when this week’s circus-themed performances were over.

In a classic cross promotional pimping out of the new Cirque du Soleil movie Worlds Away 3D (…coming soon to an Imax theater near you!…) Abby and her stylish BoyToy Kevin Manno wasted no time explaining how the whole thing was going to go down on stage.

They would have probably gotten to all the deetz even faster if it hadn’t been for Mom Coreen, who once again literally started in on her Asia Bashing loop before the opening credits even finished rolling.

Now I’m a big fan of Moms supporting their children.  Don’t get me wrong.  But somewhere between Week 1 and Week 9, Coreen has kind of crossed that line into Hockey Dad territory.

This woman can’t let it go.  I’m sure she means well, but every time we see her she is either ragging on Baby Beyoncé or driving her own daughter crazy.  She is starting to remind me of those fathers who beat up other fathers on the sidewalk in front of the rink because they got called out for throwing a banana peel on the ice.

Kevin was rocking his best J.Crew this week, all plaid and on-trend colors.  Abby had even let him ride to the theater with his head sticking up through the sunroof.  Or at least that’s my assumption, based on how big and blown back his Boy Band hair was this time around.

Or maybe he just took a quick hit off the hand dryer blower in the restroom.  Dunno.  But I love that guy.  He just needs to stop fidgeting around.

Seriously.  Count how many times he rolls his shirt cuffs or scratches his arm or does that odd hand thing.  And sometimes his eyes look like he just got caught doing something that good boys shouldn’t do right before they go on camera.  But he’s a hoot.

This week’s skill was Balance, which would explain the balance beam sitting in the middle of the floor, I guess.  Just like the Olympics.

And the thing was only 6 inches off the floor.

I know, right?  Even I could walk on that.  How hard could it be?

Or so I thought, until they went and brought out choreographer Shannon Beach who explained that you had to slide into a full split on the beam while raising yo’ hands up in the ayuh ayuh ayuh, and I was like…umm…not so much, thanks.

After the most uncomfortable 5 minutes that any boy should ever have to sit through (…”Find it!  Squeeze it!”…) the Group Challenge was over and Amanda had won the prize.

Find what?  Squeeze what?  They never really clarified that one, so I’m a little unsure as to what I’m supposed to be practicing when I do my homework tonight.  Guess I’ll just wing it.

Amanda’s prize was a trip to NYC to see the premiere of the Cirque movie, where hopefully she and Mom Mayelin would have time to swing by the Junior Department in Bloomingdale’s and pick up some facial expressions.

 Poor Amanda.  She and Madison haven’t moved their faces in 2 months.  No matter how many times Abby and the other choreographers ask for some Face, they have yet to perform from the neck up.

It’s nice that they will both make it to 90 years old and still not have one wrinkle on their porcelain skin, but a smile wouldn’t hurt when you’re on stage.  They’re both amazeball dancers, but Asia is mopping the floor with those scowls.

Then it was off to rehearsals, because the circus was coming to town.

Madison was paired with choreographer Ricky Palomino, who was all fierce and as Ricky as always.  Unfortunately, his ability to Werk It didn’t translate to any facial muscles and Madison still struggled with her expressions, which resulted in Coreen performing  yet another motivational piece about Asia’s superior face.

For a second or two I swear that Madison was debating whether her empty plastic bottle or her mother’s body would be the most biodegradable if she buried them both behind the building on her next water break.

Amanda’s rehearsal wasn’t going much better.  She had been given a rather stretchy contortionist kind of routine, and her own lack of facial emotion was making choreographer Anthony Burrell cray cray.

Imitate Asia.  Perform like Asia.  Pretend your Asia.  Legally change your name to Asia.

Good thing Coreen wasn’t there to hear all that.

Oh wait.  There she is.

Anyone that watches any dance show anywhere in the Free World knows that one Mom ain’t supposed to move in on another Mom’s turf during rehearsals.  Der.

But in came Coreen, who plopped herself down next to Mayelin and reassured her that there was not a doubt in her mind that stoic Madison would be bringing the emotion to the competition.  Which in Mom Code means “Suck it.  My kid is better than yours.”

I’m starting to really like that Mayelin.  It’s the quiet ones you have to watch.

For the first few weeks I didn’t even realize she was on this show.  She just kind of sat in the background while Kristie showed off her JLo earring collection and shoulder lotion.

But when Mayelin turned to Coreen in Telemundo slo mo and laid down the law, I realized that this woman would cut a bitch at Walmart if they were slowing down the line at the return desk.

Focus on your kid.  Oh, snap.  She told you.

While Anthony was preaching to the facially challenged, Brianna was trying to figure out how to be a clown with Ricky.  Being the most serious kid in the competition, I wasn’t certain she would get her Ringling Bros diploma in time for opening night.

And last but not least, Anthony gave up on everyone else and went to work with the  one true authentic Asia Face.  Everybody could use a Fierce pick-me-up in the middle of the afternoon, right?

Sassy pants Asia was going for a caged animal theme, complete with a Studio 54 stripper cage for her to climb and claw her way around in while Mom seductively clutched that Starbucks she’s always holding.

They never addressed it on camera, but every once in awhile it felt like Kristie was finally realizing how fine that young Anthony really was, if you know what I mean.

Granted, since I fabricate most of my recaps anyway, I could have misinterpreted some of her music video glances…but she seemed to be liking what Tony was serving.

And Mommy could always use some more sugar in that coffee.

Shannon was back to put the girls through the group number rehearsal, which could have easily been lifted right from the Cirque movie for all we know.  It had hanging, spinning metal hula hoops, gymnastics and those silk fabric panels that you suspend you 40 feet above the cement floor by only an ankle knot and a prayer from one of those street fair saints.

As if.  That one is all Brianna.

Our girl was a little freaked out by the silks at first, especially as the harness burst her appendix.  But she’s a survivor and sucked it up after a few tears and they all finished the routine.

Finally, it was Showtime!

As Coreen and Madison stared blankly into each other’s eyes and tried to mentally psyche each other out (…you afraid of a 7 year old?  Well, are you?…) Kevin clipped on another skinny tie and got the party started.

Terminally sleeveless Richy Jackson wagged a few digits at the audience and Robin Antin showed off what was either a newly coiffed side part or some kind of wind blown issue.  It sort of looked like she planned for her hair to look that way, so I’m thinking that she probably wasn’t in the men’s restroom when Kevin was styling his hair.

The group number went  well, except for a tragic rubber band tangle in Madison’s hair after the routine.

Oy vey, the drama.

I’m thinking Coreen used that frizzy moment as an excuse to yank on Madison’s hair and show her she means bidnezz when it comes to the score cards, because Momma ain’t ready to go home yet, honey.

Once she was properly detangled, Madison hit the stage for her solo and was told by Abby that she would hire her for the Circus in a heartbeat.  Was that a compliment or a slam?  Things that make you go hmmm.

Next up was the pre-school production of Cats, as Asia bounded out on stage and booty popped her way around the cage.

She was inside.  She was outside.  She dropped from the top.  Dropped it like it was lion tamer hot.

Despite two turned-in feet during her cage match, all three judges gave her a standing ovation.

And that royally pissed off Madison and Coreen in the Green Room.  Not enough for them to make any facial expressions, of course, but enough to get them both all “WTF?” and start talking smack.  Madison even imitated Asia’s turned in feet.

Hockey Dad’s daughter is picking up some bad habits lately.

As Asia headed off stage to cough up a fur ball, Robin slid in her weekly PCD plug by proclaiming that she had just found her little Pussycat Doll.

Of course you did, Robin.  Of course you did.

Moving on, Amanda tried to contort herself into the Top Three in a polka dot onesie but it wasn’t happening.  Abby didn’t see any actual contortionist work, and Richy felt Amanda was all Ballroomed out.

Ball Room.  Ha.  That’s what she said.

Brianna took her crazy clown to crazy town and was all over the place.  Thankfully Asia had already left the stage, because if both of their ginormous faces had been in the same place at the same time the sprinkler system would have kicked on and flooded the first ten rows.

Richy felt that it was old skool clown and not Cirque du Soleil clown, which I guess meant too much squirting lapel flower and not enough Pinocchio nose or flying Celine Dion pianos.

Robin praised Brianna by saying that no one else could have done that, which of course resulted in another wise a** Hockey Kid comment and doofy copycat dance out back.

“I could have done that.”

Sit down, girlie, before someone smacks an expression across your face.

When it was all over, there was no more ball room at the Inn, as they say.

Amanda was sent home.  Unfortunately, she can dance her face off, but she should have kept it on and used it a little more this week.

Right as the lights were about to go down, Robin slid in one more PCD plug by telling Amanda that in a few years when she is STILL doing (…and talking about…) the Pussycat Dolls and Amanda is no longer jail bait, she will always have a job if she wants one.

Mayelin either reached for a tissue or her switchblade, and it was over.

And then there were three.

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3 Responses to “Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition: It Was Time To Send In The Facially Challenged Clowns. Cirque Du Solos Just Opened Under Abby’s Big Top.”

  1. bill Says:

    Welcome back to “Abby’s Ultimate Mug at the Audience Like a Seven Year Old High on Meth Competition” where skill, talent and years of training aren’t worth a bucket of warm spit in the face of making faces, grinning like a deranged serial killer, telling your Mother to piss the hell off and bragging about how, despite never actually being asked to dance, you’re going to kick the asses of the actual dancers in a dance competition.

    I’m going to go ahead and speculate that at one time Anthony Burgess actually had some professional integrity, but after hearing him yell at a stunningly talented and proficient 13 year old dancer that everything she can do is worthless and totally sucks unless she can include an imitation of a 7 year old making funny faces and if she can’t pull it off then she’ll have to do without him because he’s got lots of other dancers he can work with who DO make idiotic faces, LOTS of idiotic faces, tons and tons of practically DERANGED looking faces and he’s leaving right now to go hang out with them, I think it’s safe to say that he’s sold his soul to Jeff Collins.

    So instead, said dancer is shoved out on stage in possibly the stupidest-looking costume ever devised and forced to perform a really bad and boring piece of choreography which Burgess himself taught her (before stomping off in his “No Stupid Faces, No Anthony Freaking Burgess” hissy fit) and that got her roundly condemned by a Fat Woman who’s fast approaching planetary size because it didn’t contain any “contortionism”.

    Well excuse me but even if Amanda was in fact the kind of double-jointed genetic freak who ends up as a circus act and had been dying to demonstrate same, the piece she was told to perform didn’t have any “contortionism” designed into it. What the hell was she supposed to do – make it up?

    I mean, if the producers wanted her off the show THAT badly, why didn’t they just hire Tanya Harding’s ex to come whack her in the knee? It sure would have been kinder than the crude public mugging she was subjected to. It reminded me of some guy in the lunch line at a Federal Supermax who suddenly realizes he’s got a shiv stuck in his ribs, only in this case EVERYBODY saw what happened.

    And people can hardly blame Coleen for spending so much time muttering about Asia. It’s pretty obvious that being an obnoxious bitch can keep even a monumentally unskilled child who’s till lugging around a couple sacks of baby fat in this competition while a girl like Madison, with thousands of hours of actual, you know, dance training and stuff, has to stand there and listen to someone like RIchy Jackson babble on about how “While it was good, it wasn’t you know, GOOD good, but only kind of, you know, goodie-goodie good because, well, listen you think this shit is easy, sitting here talking out my ass about competitive dance next to this blob who smells like Dunkin Donuts and fear?”

    I’m just worried that having already used the single finger wave and then the double finger wave that, feeling the need to go all out for the finale he’s going to bust out his TRIPLE finger wave, which will promptly get him arrested.

    If you get my drift.

    As for Asia, I think it was summed up nicely when she FELL OFF THE BALANCE BEAM ON HER ASS and then griped that she was “robbed” when she didn’t win. After all, despite not, you know, actually performing the task, she quickly flashed a little cutie-pie grin which, she has been constantly assured, week after week, is utterly sensational and clearly makes her a better dancer than all those ugly-ass actual dancers cluttering up the place.

    Funny thing though; despite all the talk about making dancers go “outside their comfort zone”, we have yet to see Asia asked to actually, you know, DANCE. Ballet? Lyrical? Hip hop? Everybody else gets shoved out there to demonstrate their “range”. Asia HAS no range beyond making “fierce” faces that make Richy tinkle himself a little.

    Or maybe it’s the thought of Asia’s mom meeting him in the parking lot after he DOESN’T give her a glowing critique.

    You cannot tell me bitch isn’t packing.

    Anyway, despite the veritable storm of abuse that the other girls have been getting – “IMITATE ASIA’S FACES, YOU STUPID COWS” being among the kinder ones – do you know how ridiculous someone like, say, Madison would look actually doing just that? Seriously?

    Those faces only work because they’re cute on a little baby girl. On a 13 year old adolescent they’d get her a 72 hour psych eval.

    I’d love to ask Abby Lee Hindenburg why it is, if those ludicrous faces are practically the whole point of dance competition, then why we have never seen Chloe or Maddie or Paige or Nia make any of them, ever?

    By her own apparent admission, ALM is doing a lousy job developing her young charges, since none of them ever looks like a steroid-soaked linebacker with a quarterback in his sites.

    Hell, Brooke hasn’t shown one single solitary facial expression in three years. Doesn’t seem to bother Abby one bit.

    (Yes, Maddie has that anguished “Grapes of Wrath” face as she reaches toward the heavens beseeching God to …well, I don’t know what, but I’m sure it involves crowns)

    Why haven’t we seen Asia handed, say, that routine that Brianna did last week? Or one of Madison’s numbers? The cage number was classic- they must have stayed up all night coming up with a dance number that included no dancing.

    Which might explain Amanda’s routine: “So anyway, Amelia, just hop around a little, maybe rol on the floor some. Doesn’t really matter. Do nothing at all. Nobody cares. But make faces just like a little tiny girl or your ass is hitting the bricks.”

    As for Brianna, it’s a good thing the show is coming to an end, as her weekly bout of insecurity is getting as old as it is predictable and she doesn’t want tears streaking her face as they hand her the prize.

  2. Annette Says:

    I actually thought that we were going to get through a week without “Pussy Cat Dolls” being mentioned. But no, of course not. Oh well.

    And I think we need to buy Bill a cocktail or something. He’s sounding quite angry, and maybe that will help calm him down.

  3. bill Says:

    Buy Bill a Cocktail?

    What a capital idea!!!!!

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