Dance Moms: Slow Dancing And Fast Dating Have Everyone All Worked Up. All Is Fair In Love And War. XOXO
Can you stand it? Another new hat. I got this one at the Amtrak gift shop. Could you just die?
OhMyGod. Is he behind me? Don’t tell me. I mean, tell me. Is he there? Don’t look…but is he? I can’t breath.
What. The. Hell? Seriously. Is that thing alive? Where do you find this crazy s***?
No, really. Back it up, girls. There’s enough of me to go around. Bitches gotta learn to share the candy, ok?
I said…”I haven’t had dark meat since last Thanksgiving! What’s your name?”
MmmHmm. And I can smell what The Rock is cookin’.
Move over, Paris.
Pittsburgh is the new City of Love.
It’s true. Something toxic must have leaked into the local water supply overnight, because everyone on Dance Moms was feeling exceptionally giddy and romantical this week. Love was definitely in the air. And Abby Lee Miller, of all people, was more than willing to take a big whiff and get down on it.
Thanks in part to the somber mood brought on by the unfortunate passing of Abby’s stubby little pup Broadway Baby, the ALDC had actually managed to make it out of last week’s competition without a major post-show throw down in the makeup room.
Even Christi and Kelly hugged it out after the awards ceremony, which kind of made me wonder if maybe the government should consider sending sick dogs to Third World countries in an attempt to end conflicts around the world. I mean, seriously. If those two could get it together over a puppy with bad kidneys, then who knows what the United Nations could accomplish with an airlift of beagles in diapers.
Ouch. Too soon?
Anyway. All things considered, as everyone rolled in for the newest Anti-Chloe Pyramid of Shame, the mood was still fairly chilled. Or at least more subdued than the Mom’s outfits, which were as always, still impressively glittered-up for so early in the week.
I’m really starting to think that even Christi‘s housecoats are encrusted with Swarovski crystals around the collar and cuffs, because Mama does like to Sparkle, Baby.
Bottom row of the Pyramid was home to Paige, Brooke and Kendall.
When you already know that Maddie is going to be on the top again, it doesn’t really matter why the other girls are down below anymore. Something about not using their faces and not standing out and not sticking out and having a Mom who’s a bitch.
The higher priced seats on the second row went to Nia and Mackenzie, who I still swear is missing a different tooth every week. It’s like a Where’s Waldo? game or something. When all her enamel grows in and she loses those braces, she may hold the record for biggest smile ever. Love her.
Nia scored 3rd overall last week and MackAttack was über overall for the Mini category.
Laquifa Nia was getting her Sassafrass back, and MackaWacka would soon be getting another $100 from the Tooth Fairy. So they were both happy campers.
And for the third week in a row Maddie was hogging the top again, while Chloe’s photo was apparently being auctioned off on eBay.
Abby is not cutting that poor Beanie Baby any slack. She still isn’t on the Pyramid. But my psychic powers tell me that Chloe will soon rise again, and before you know it she’ll be scotch taped right up there like a Superstar. And then Mom can rip off some sweater glitter and toss it in the air during the victory parade. So there, Haters.
This week the gang would be heading to Bernardsville, NJ where ever that is, for yet another Xpression Dance Competition.
Jersey may be home to a lot of gravitationally awesome big hair and tight fitting animal print, but it’s also always a big hot mess when the ALDC shows up. Let’s just say that it hasn’t been their finest hour when they roll through the Jersey toll booth, so Abby was determined to make a better Xpression Impression this week.
They may not be feeling the Jersey Love, but Jersey was definitely gonna feel some Pittsburgh Love when the ALDC hit the stage this time around. Like I said…Romance was in the air. The group routine even had a BOY dancer!
Cue the hysteria.
Lady Killer Nick Dobbs strutted into the studio, and at least three of the girls wet themselves like Abby’s dog used to do on the kitchen floor. Little girl dancers loooove when the boys roll into town. Especially when it’s dreamboat Nick, who we last saw dancing around like a Twilight vampire giving the girls hickeys on stage.
As the girls…and BOY!…got to rehearsing their routine, the Moms hit the Perch and decided that Abby needed a booty call.
According to Kelly and TMZ and a bunch of 12 year old Twitter girls, Abby is already in a relationship with John Corella. Or maybe not. Or maybe it’s another guy. Kelly wouldn’t say his name. But she did blurt out that the mystery boyfriend was gay.
And though gay men make fabulously great dance partners when you can’t get a date on a Friday night, they don’t always make the best husbands for big girls like Abby Lee Miller, no matter how many Vodka and Red Bull drinks you buy them.
So who knows. There have certainly been enough photos circulating lately of Abby inappropriately groping the dude’s butt in that mall store where you buy little girls clothes (…what the hell?…) but nobody seems to know for certain what’s going on.
So in a stellar demonstration of covert multi-tasking, Jill figured that she should take Abby speed dating. That way she could potentially get Abby a little sumthin sumthin on the side while her gay boyfriend is doing ball crunches at the gym, and score herself some Mom Points at the same time.
Oh. Jill got another new hat. Nice she could take time out from filming the live action sequel to Thomas The Tank Engine. And that’s all I have to say on the matter.
And then when she showed up the next day wearing some crazy feathered mini capelet kind of thing….well…I just can’t. You’ll probably recognize that ensemble from when Cruella De Vil wore the black & white version and stole all those puppies.
When I came to after a momentary blackout, the shiny stretch limo from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was already waiting to take everyone speed dating. Everyone except Christi that is, who was forcibly removed when Abby refused to climb inside if she was going with them to the restaurant.
By the time they popped the champagne I was expecting Kim and Kyle to get in some alcohol induced screaming match in the back seat. You’re a drunk and you have lipstick on your teeth! Totally RHOBH.
Speed Date Night at the local eatery was everything you could have hoped for…and more. The whole place must have smelled like broccoli cheese soup, Estée Lauder and desperation as the Moms chowed down while watching Abby work her way through a steady stream of potential suitors.
There was a bartender, an insurance salesman, some skinny guy that didn’t even warrant a full scene and a “man of color” who got Abby all flustered. I’m thinking Abby might like a little Russell Stover chocolate during the holidays.
But the show is supposed to be about dysfunctional dancing, not hook ups, so before you knew it we were all back at the ALDC for more rehearsals.
Nia and Kendall had scored another duet and were swinging plastic snow shovels around like DOT workers until Nia’s hard hat fell off. Again, with the hats? See what you started, Jill?
Maddie was also doing another solo, because that’s what you do when you’re at the top of the Pyramid. Der.
During all the commotion, Jill managed to slip out of the Perch and score a private rehearsal for Kendall with Gianna, which was a little odd considering Baby Vertes was doing a duet, not a solo. So one would assume that her dancing partner should have been involved in the process at some point, correct? Or at least do your private somewhere besides a studio that is clearly visible through wall to wall panes of open glass.
Yeah. After locking in on that visual, Holly and Christi went downstairs and had a few choice words with Jill, who was all What What What? when confronted.
Oh, Jill. Those hats are cutting off the blood to your brain.
Finally, it was Showtime!
And poor little Sasha Nia was sick. She had Bronchitis.
Ain’t nobody got time for that.
But she was gonna suck it up and werk that hard hat like a Boss. Don’t you worry.
There was a little pre-game bickering between Holly and Jill, when Mrs. Vertes suddenly produced a medical degree and decided to be Nia’s pediatrician in an attempt to turn the duet into a solo for Kendall. Because it’s all about her kid.
Gah. Give it up, lady. We get it.
MackaLoJacka’s solo was great, even though Abby felt she did not show enough face.
Or teeth. (Ok…I made that part up. That joke never gets old.)
Proving that no matter how many times she gets burned she’s gonna keep touching that hot stove, Jill went right back out into the hallway and scored yet another private with Gia before the duet went on stage. And once again Holly stormed out and confronted her about sneaking around behind her back. And once again Jill was all What What What? when pushed into the corner.
I’m not messing with Dr. Holly. That one is ALL you, Jill.
But even without any private rehearsal time, Nia rocked the duet without falling or coughing up anything nasty. So there. Boom. Pow.
Maddie’s solo was good. Not great. But good. And it was kind of overshadowed by the Moms making up for lost time and getting into another throw down out back in the makeup room.
Christi brought up the whole limo episode. Kelly felt that the Moms were not a team. Jill was all What What What? for the third time.
Then Dreamboat Nick and all the little brides hit the stage for the “Your Dream Is My Dream” group number. It was a Phantom of the Opera meets Nutcracker kind of thing, but sung by some Josh Groban wannabe.
Whatever. It was just nice to not hear that Karaoke Beyoncé girl again. The females all looked pretty, and Nick was chock full of teen angst.
And one of the judges was like totally 11 years old. I swear. Did you see him?
Then some kids won some stuff. But not necessarily Abby’s kids.
MackSmack came in 2nd Place. Maddie only scored 2nd Place. The duet unfortunately dug themselves into a 5th Place pot hole.
Even with Nick going through puberty on stage and breaking the hearts of every girl in the first 5 rows, the group number only scored 2nd Place.
Combine all that with Abby’s boyfriend skipping the entire competition to go to the Los Angeles Pride Parade (…ok…I may have made that one up, too…) and you pretty much already know how Ms. Miller handled the scored results.
For an episode all about Love, she wasn’t showing much by the end of the day.
Looks like some of you need a break. I’m talking about Love. L-O-V-E. Do you love to dance? Do you love what you do? Do you love my crazy black ostrich top?
It wasn’t a full on post-show blow out, but she wasn’t very happy and there was a lot of eye rolling and uncomfortable moments of dead silence.
It’s called Tough Love, kids.
Think about what you’ve done. Think about what you really want.
And then Abby left to meet her boyfriend at the Chelsea Piers for a Tea Dance.
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