Dance Moms: If You Wanna Be The Apple Of Her Eye, You Better Push It And Throw It And Fix That Face.



And then one day Mom walked in with that whacky new haircut, and I was all like “Oh. Hell. No.”






Perfect. Now you can eat your candy and rob a 7-11 at the same time, Baby.






Lawd. Even my girls in the ‘hood ain’t as cray as this bitch.






Check it out, Momz. “It’s fun to stay at the Y…M…C…A…!”







Umm. Yeah. She’s what I like to call A Bit Of A Handful.






I told ’em this dance was gonna be good practice for when Sasha Nia has her own tour bus. ‘kay?






Rosa Parks? Phfffft. My Baby got this.





Ok, people.

Start working on your Excited Face, cuz the Boyz are back in town.

Dance Moms put all their Krazy in one apple bushel this week with the return of Super Villain Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her assortment of Evil Dance Lair minions, all back to strike fear into the hearts of everyone at the Abby Lee Dance Company.

That’s right.  Ohio ain’t just cows and jerky anymore.

It’s also the home of boy bands, cry baby beat boxers, bootlegged Gangnam Style choreography and loose cannon Dance Dads.

The kind of Dance Dads who, if there really is a Reality God, will soon get their own Spike TV spin-off show where they’ll attend Argentine Tango rehearsals, chest bump each other like their kid just kicked a winning field goal and then show us all how to drain the oil out of a Harley.

And then do a fist pump with finger fireworks, of course.  Boo-yeah!

Get your face ready for a two hour Abbypalooza.

After pulling in a 7th place showing at last week’s competition, Abby Lee Miller needed to figure out what was broken with her ALDC machine…and then fix it.  Fast.  But not before the Hmm I Wonder Where Brooke And Paige Will Be This Week? Pyramid of Shame.  Because rules are still rules, even when it’s super-sized.

Mackenzie and her wheelchair were rolled right to the bottom row.  No surprise.  She probably shouldn’t have done all those somersaults when she was supposed to be rehabbing in the chair like an avalanche victim.  Busted.  KenzieBenzie was benched for this week’s competition.  Thanks for playing.

Brooke and Paige were also on the first floor of the Pyramid.  I’m fairly certain that their photos are now superglued to the mirror just so Mom Kelly can flip out every week.

Little Cabbage Patch Chloe was finally back on the wall.  On the bottom…but you gotta start somewhere.  Suspension was suspended, so to speak.

I had originally planned on playing my favorite drinking game this week where I take a shot every time Mom Christi rolls her eyes or makes a face, but I knew with a two hour episode ahead of me that I’d never make it to the end credits if I started in on the Tequila during Pyramid.

It was clear that Christi and her Stretch Armstrong face would have me flat on the floor before the first of what I swear were 217 Client List commercials this week, so I figured I’d better play it safe and stick to Diet Coke just in case I needed to operate heavy machinery or tie my own shoes in the morning.

Second row was all about Maddie and Kendall.  And Kendall’s new and improved Pittsburgh Galleria Glamour Shots 8×10.

Christi may hold the title for Most Contorted Cartoon Faces, but Doctor Holly will always be Numero Uno when it comes to the WTF? Face.  

Sometimes I’m so inspired by Holly that I just need to slap somebody.

When Abby revealed the new headshot, Holly was all OhNoSheDin’t and OhJillYouSoCrazy and ExcuseMeButIMustHaveMissedTheNewHeadShotMemo.  

All Face.  Someday when there are no rehearsals, Holly just needs to go downtown, hang out a second floor apartment window and yell at the neighbors all day.

Hey, Jackée!  Sup, Girl?

Seriously.  If Holly ever gets tired of being a principal and a Dance Mom, she needs to just sign up for RuPaul’s Drag Race and throw shade until someone’s duct tape pops off.  Bitch is fierce.  Feee-errrssss.  Snap.  Love.  Her.

On top was Diva Nia, which was perfect timing given the theme of this week’s group dance.  A tribute to Civil Rights Activist Rosa Parks, complete with bus seats and big church hats.  A role that Nia was born to dance.

Everyone was excited for Nia.  Except Jill.  Naturally, she didn’t see why Kendall couldn’t take on the lead character, even though I’m fairly certain that kind of vaudeville makeup is pretty much deemed politically incorrect in this day and age.

Oh, Jill.  Mammy, how I love you.

Holly was also pretty excited that Abby had finally come up with something for Nia that didn’t involve an afro pick and platform shoes, and knew she’d kill it on stage.

In one last Hyland Family slam before rehearsals kicked in, Abby allowed Chloe and Paige to duet together this week…since Chloe had now slipped down to Paige’s level of dancing.

Slam.  The.  Front.  Door.  And cue another Kelly flip out.

Then we were off to Ohio and the Candy Apples.  Even if you were out of the room getting snacks at the time (…hey, two hours is a long haul…) you could tell it was Ohio by the Drive-In movie music and the cow moo.  Every time we went back there…another cow.  Is that the State Animal or something?

I don’t know where Cathy buys her clothes.  Don’t ask.  That’s a whole other blog post.

Using her state-of-the-art Apple TV Pyramid, Cathy unveiled Brandon, Gino and newbie Nick on the monitor.  Just to clarify, this was a different Nick from last week’s dreamboat, giggle-inducing Pittsburgh Vampire Nick.  While I’m sure that all Nicks are dreamy in their own right, but this one has yet to prove that he can make Maddie swallow her gum.  So the jury is still out right now.

The top spot was reserved for beat boxer Jalen, who head spun his way to the top of the Apple Tree this week and scored himself a Chippendale’s solo at the competition, complete with tear-away outfit changes and a police bayonet.

The Dads all high fived on that one and then got down to rehearsing.

Back in PA, Abby took time out to take Holly shopping, because during Pyramid she felt that the Doctor needed a makeover.

The whole scene should probably have been saved for the Bonus Footage DVD, but it was fun to watch Jill tag along and try to convince Abby that Kendall could play Rosa Parks with the right wig and some Louboutin shoe polish.

Oh, Jill.

Then it was back to the Land of Jerky again, as Cathy tried to keep little Vivi-Anne from feeling neglected.  Since creating her all-male revue and booting her own daughter off the stage, Cathy was having trouble finding things to keep Vivi-Anne occupied while the boys were rehearsing that didn’t include ice cream or Pop Rocks.

Ok.  Since no one else will say it, I will.

Vivi-Anne needs her own show.  There.  I own it now.

If not her own show, then at least strap one of those GoPro helmet cams from Best Buy onto her head and just unleash her into the Wild.

I mean.  Come on.  I just can’t.  She is comedy gold.

Mom tried private ballet lessons, where we found out that Viv can’t stand on her toes without a barre even though her Mom owns a dance studio.  And then Cathy took her to the costume shop as a human mannequin so she could give Jalen’s stripper clothes a test run.

Cathy even dressed her up in what I can only describe as a Wall Street Terrorist Chic, complete with business suit, camouflage beanie and one of those handkerchiefs that you put over your face so you don’t pass out when the nerve gas starts leaking through the office air vents.

What the Hell?  Work it.  Push it.  Throw it, Baby.

I would totally DVR The Vivi-Anne Show.  It would be like I Love Lucy.  But on Nicklodeon or late night cable access.  We could watch Vivi-Anne get stuck in cement or work a chocolate conveyor belt or put on a Vegas Showgirl headdress and fall down some stairs.

I would probably quit my job if Vivi-Anne ever filmed a Vegameatavitamin commercial.

Honestly, during the next scene where Cathy had repainted the outside of her building with giant red back-to-school apples and the boys all hooted Vivi-Anne into doing some crazy a** Monkey Dance at the ribbon cutting ceremony, I literally had to go next door and borrow my neighbor’s inhaler.

Come on, Lifetime.  Don’t let this dream die.

Back at the ALDC, Kendall was working on her Face.  A lot.  Like they do in acting class during the Lightening Round.  Scream out an emotion.  Show me Face.

Have you ever seen a photo of the Pixar cartoonists studios where they have a million different facial expressions all pinned up on their bulletin boards to use as reference for the Monsters Inc sequel?  Scared!  Happy!  Confused!  Seizure!

It was like that.  But with a really, really big flower on her head.

Then all of the sudden we were in Ohio again.  I was losing track.

Choreographer Anthony Burrell, last seen on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, was now in Cow Country biting the hand that fed him.  Yup.  Cheating on Abby.

Cathy bragged that Anthony had worked with Beyoncé and hundreds of other music video booty poppers.  And now Candy Apples.  That must have been a slippery slope.

And he’s Tough Love.  Because he don’t treat Boyz like Girlz.  He even made little Jalen kinda sorta cry, though at the time nobody realized that JBoy seems to do that a lot lately.  Anthony and Cathy even went head to head on teaching technique until he realized that White People are Just Crazy and put himself into Time Out before he slapped the bitch out of her.

After telling one of the Dads that Cathy was straight up trippin’, Anthony came back out and it kind of looked like he had been in the diner bathroom from Happy Days.

I can’t explain why.  But it just did.

Finally, it was Showtime.  Or at least the bus ride to the show.

Nia, who had officially been given the title role, gave an impromptu poster board lesson on Rosa Parks.  And then Jill gave a pre-planned jewelry store lesson on Butt Kissing by hauling out yet another gift to Abby as a token of her brown nosing and appreciation for Kendall’s solo.

Yeah.  Holly made that face again.

Then, finally it was Showtime.  PowerHouse Dance Competition in Cincinnati, Ohio.

Which is somehow related by marriage to In10sity Dance Competition, because they sorta share a website and those damn flashing light towers.

Seriously.  If I can’t have The Vivi-Anne Show, can we get rid of those things?  Or at least buy the software to synch them up to the music?  Please?

Abby still didn’t like Holly’s wardrobe and made her go out back and change into new clothes that she had purchased for the Doctor.  The Strong Nubian Princess Doctor apparently, because Holly came back out looking pretty Fly, in a strange Debbie Allen meets the Mom on The Cosby Show kind of way.  Mama Frazier looked good, all zebra printed up like Maya Angelou wearing something from Tyra Banks‘ closet.

Did I mention how much I love Holly?  Rachel Zoe would say she looked Maj Gorg.

Then there was some actual dancing.

Jalen was supposed to come out as a cop, and then pull some clothes off and turn into what I think was a waiter or pizza maker, and then tear his apron off and turn into a businessman.  At least that was the plan.

Unfortunately, the little tyke got all twisted up in his ripcord and it didn’t really happen, so he ended up falling off the music and then storming off stage in a Baby Kanye huff.

I’mma let the ALDC finish, but I was robbed!

Not sure why one of the other dudes chased him down the hall and not his own Dad, so that was a little odd and creepy at the same time.  But JBoy pulled his shizzle together in time to join the other Boyeeez for the Candy Apples version of Gangnam Style.

Paige and Chloe were way more substance than fabric, but they worked those skimpy outfits like it was their day job and ended up in First Place for duets, along with Maddie and her First Place street urchin solo.

Things were looking up.

The Rosa Parks number was pretty powerful, except for the very end when Brooke momentarily thought that she was actually getting on real public transportation and completely forgot to keep dancing as she searched an imaginary pocketbook for her bus pass.  But the judges overlooked it and handed out yet another First Place trophy to the ALDC, much to Cathy’s dismay.

Candy Gangnam only made it to Second Place.  But Kelly made it all the way up into Jalen’s Dad’s Face, which was even more important as the two of them threw down over his One Trick Pony son.

Yeah.  She went there.

And Cathy brought bodyguards.  Two of them.  With earpieces.  Presumably so they could listen to the ballgame while Cathy blew another nutty.

It was Dance Moms Krazy.  Super-sized for your viewing pleasure.

And don’t even get me started on why the emcee was wearing a doo rag under his H&M hat.  Who does that?

Couldn’t even hide my shock on that one.

I need to go put on my big church hat and work on muh muh muh my Poker Face.

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3 Responses to “Dance Moms: If You Wanna Be The Apple Of Her Eye, You Better Push It And Throw It And Fix That Face.”

  1. Jordann Says:

    What happened to Zack? Anyone know?

  2. Sandy Bailey Says:

    I’m thinking Zack got tired of doing the same stale pop and lock 80’s dance routine week after week and joined a real dance company…

  3. BJMallory Says:

    I can’t decide whose hair looks the worst: Jill or Chaos Cathy. I love Vivi, too. Poor thing can’t dance but she is funny as hell. Can’t wait for the day that she can escape her mother’s clutches. Run, Vivi, Run!!! Don’t look back!!

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