Dance Moms: It’s All Going Down In Midtown. The Christi vs. Kristie Throw Down And A Candy Apple Showdown.
Let’s Go! Let’s Go! Let’s Go! Let’s Go! Watch your tongue! Watch your tongue! Watch your tongue!
ME save it? How about YOU save it, sistah? And where’d you get that new lip gloss? It’s fabulous.
This s*** just got real. Back it up, JLo.
That crazy Candy Apple lady don’t wanna get all up in my face when your boy’s wearing his new Back To School sweater. Hellz No.
Dang, boy. I could eat you up like ice cream. Literally. Because I haven’t had any yet today.
You need to dial it down, Honey. I spent all season figuring out this hairstyle and I am not in the mood for you today.
Whatever, Bitch. I’m still the hot one.
And you know the rules.
Scream. Cry. Rinse & Repeat.
And you better save those tears for your pillow. Or the studio. Or the subway. Or that cheesecake place on the corner of Broadway and 45th.
Because it’s on.
Dance Moms took on…and nearly took down…all of Manhattan this week in preparation for the Masters of Dance Competition.
The Great White Way turned into the Great Fight Way as Abby Lee Miller and her Momtourage continued their New York City takeover with throw downs both on and off the stage, in a super-sized Season Finale that once again brought them face to screaming face with their arch enemies the Candy Apples.
Fix your feet…and run for cover, people.
Now that Abby’s co-hosting gig on The View was behind them, it was time to focus on the competition. Time is money.
The girls had lost a good chunk of rehearsal time last week dusting off The Last Text choreography for Whoopi Goldberg and watching Asia and Mackenzie take turns being catapulted through an imaginary passenger side window. Valuable rehearsal time that could have been put to better use, since everyone in the building already knew that MackaWhack would get the job in the end.
Two backflips, and then just lay there until you hear applause or bleed out. Got it?
As a result, everyone needed to pick up the pace a little, because there were only a few days left before the competition. At least there was no Pyramid of Shame to drag things down this week.
That’s right. A Pyramid-Free episode. You’re welcome.
Last week as you’ll recall, Chloe, Maddie, Kendall and Asia had all scored solos for the upcoming competition. Now it was Go Time.
Knowing that Abby would be working on the individual dances first, Kelly asked if she could scoot Brooke out of the building for a quick meeting with a music producer.
(Momager Kelly, reporting for duty.)
Somehow Mom had managed to secure face time with a busy producer who was willing to cancel his meetings, have his secretary hold all his calls and drop everything to speak to yet another random girl with a youtube account.
Excuse me? I couldn’t even get an appointment with the Personal Shopper at Bloomingdale’s the last time I was in New York, but somehow Kelly gets a music producer? Seems fair.
Since Abby didn’t even realize that Brooke was in the room, she had no problem giving them permission to go pursue their dreams of music stardom, before casually mentioning that she thought the whole thing was a joke.
Ok. Maybe I watch too much MTV, but most music producers I know are either named Storm or DJ Deathstroke or Li’l Sumthin Sumthin. Not Wally.
But there he was. And his name was Wally. And Wally knew a Pussycat Doll.
I know, right?
Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition has been over for months, and yet Robin Antin is still pimpin’ out her girls from the grave.
Melody Thornton was there. And I’ll say it for you: Melody who…?
You remember her. She’s the one who’s best known for somehow not only surviving all those years in Nicole Scherzinger‘s shadow, but also for wearing that see-through lace hoochie dress at the 2012 ELLE Women In Music event.
Seriously. You could totally see her PCDs.
Google it. But not when you’re at work or when the kids are still up.
So not only were we asked to believe that Melody forgot her bra in the limo last year, but now the story is that she also has Brooke’s Summer Love song on her iPod.
And she knows all the words. Shut. Up.
So they sang together in the studio and Wally got all giggly. He clearly remembered the dress. And that was pretty much how that scene went down.
Back at the studio, Asia was practicing her solo. As Mom Kristie with a K sat and observed and did that head tilt/eye squint thing she always does during rehearsals, the rest of the Moms gathered in the viewing room next door and talked smack about the Ray Family. With Kristie right there on the other side of the glass.
Umm. They know it’s not the same sound-proof divider that you see on CSI when you’re picking out a rapist from a lineup, right?
Newsflash: Those ears aren’t just for dangling big a** hoops. JLo heard everything they said. Especially Christi with a C.
You just wait. They wish that glass was bullet-proof. Love me some JLo.
By the time she joined the rest of the Moms to watch the group rehearsal, it was starting to get good.
For weeks they have all been arguing back and forth about whether Asia ever cried, and why she cried, and when she cried and why grown women creepily even care.
She’s 7 years old, fercryinoutloud. I still cry at E.T. Don’t even get me started about when the flowers die in the clay pot, or I’ll need a hug.
Down the subway line a few stops, Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Candy Apples boy band dancers were rehearsing and breaking in their new token girl dancer.
Last week, ballet-trained Victoria Miller had been chosen through an odd audition process to join Zack, Brandon, Jalen and Nick #2 for the Day of The Dead group routine. And Anthony Burrell was in the hizzle, kickin’ the moves into high gear, when either Zack or his Mom Gina got a text from Brooke.
Because that’s what kids that age do, instead of homework or getting fresh air.
It was a little unclear whose iPhone was dinging, but the point of the text was to let all the boys know that all the ALDC girls were headed to Bryant Park for some ice skating.
Because that’s what girls that age do, instead of homework or chores.
They stalk boys.
Despite a clause in the ALDC contract that forbids ice skating (…for realz?…) and since they couldn’t find a skydiving plane on such short notice, the gang all headed to the Pond at Bryant Park to twist some ankles and get stupid around boys.
Except for Asia, who was forbidden to skate this close to a competition. JLo was apparently the only Mom who had actually read the contract before signing it. Fierce chicks pay attention to the deetz, mmmkay?
By the time Chaos Cathy and her posse finally arrived on the scene I couldn’t really figure out if stuffed-up Vivi-Anne was skating or not, because she falls down so much on a daily basis that it’s hard to really tell what’s going on with that kid.
Lifetime TV: Do NOT make me ask for a Vivi-Anne sitcom again. Just make it happen.
The next day when Abby found out about the ice skating getaway, she was not a happy camper. And neither were the girls who had to do 100 pushups as punishment. Except for Asia, who had sat out her time at the rink and got to rehearse while everyone else was face down on the hardwood.
And then it was time for some Christi vs. Kristie.
The whole thing just kind of erupted when Christi wouldn’t look JLo in the eyes when she was talking to her. And Mama don’t like dat. R-E-S-P-E-C-T me.
It was clear as soon as the throw down kicked in that both Moms had spent some quality time studying arguments between thick girls on VH1, because they both knew how to repeat the same thing over and over and over again (…a minimum of three repetitions per phrase…) and point fingers and talk to the hand and stand up and sit down and stand back up again.
“Popping Off” is the technical term.
Look me in the eye when you’re talking! I’m looking you in the eye, Bitch! You wanna do this? Let’s Go! What’re you gonna do? Hit me? Save it. You save it. No, you save it. You save it, Infinity and Beyond, Bitch.
Oh, yeah. It was on.
Then just as suddenly, it was over and Paige and Chloe were at crazy Cesar Rocha‘s Telsey and Company office to read a script. Because they both want to be dancing, modeling actresses when they grow up.
Honestly, Cesar’s hair was so amazeballs that I don’t remember much about the scene.
Except that the script was something about a dad who lost his job and couldn’t bury his wife and the kid was ok with not getting a pony for her birthday. Or something.
That hair. Amaze. Balls. And that group hug at the end? Breathtakingly awkward.
Of course, at some point the Moms found time to go have a cocktail or ten. Nothing like loud tourists in a bar, I always say. Thanks, Christi and Kelly, for at least not pulling out a Nikon camera and Big Apple Tour Bus schedule in front of the bartender.
Not to be outdone, Chaos Cathy and Anthony had their own throw down during rehearsal when Cathy kept interrupting and trying to run the show, though it wasn’t nearly as perfect as JLo losing her nutty.
Think Soccer Mom takes a wrong turn in the SUV and ends up in the ‘hood arguing with a guy because she thinks “Big Booty Twerking” on a tee shirt is offensive.
It was like that.
Anthony flips. Cathy cries. Jalen stands on his head. Jalen’s Dad Rick flips. Jalen cries. Anthony thinks about cuttin’ a bitch because Cathy is bat s*** cray cray.
Then we head back to Abby’s crew, and now Kendall is crying. Is there a Full Moon or something?
Figuring we needed a break from all the dramz, we got a three minute Match.com commercial. The Disney Channel version, anyway.
Vivi-Anne and Jalen somehow found themselves alone in a back hallway on their first date, talking about Life and Dance and Cooties and finding money on the ground. Watching Vivi-Anne try to breath through her mouth while Jalen dorked out in front of a girl for the first time had to been seen to be believed. Spinning on your head is clearly a lot easier than trying to understand wtf Cathy’s kid is trying to say.
Honestly, when Vivi-Anne bent over to demonstrate how she had found something shiny on the floor during one of Anthony’s meltdowns, I really didn’t think she was coming back up. Extra points for not blacking out with such low blood sugar.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Chaos Cathy was intitally MIA, because Vivi-Anne had woken up even more congested than she usually does on the weekends. Except someone screwed it up with bad editing that showed her in the audience before she actually made her fashionably late entrance.
They’re just lucky I was still distracted by Cesar and all that non-stop crying, because bad editing makes me go completely JLo.
The pre-game show and the actual competition were just a blur.
Victoria and her Mom chewed the biggest wads of gum I think I’ve ever seen since 4th grade recess. Abby called Rick an a** and then Melissa threatened to kick him in the f***ing n**** if he had any down there. The kids all went stress bag and Kristie flapped earrings around like it was her day job.
And that was in the hallway before the show even started.
The solos went fine. It was during the ALDC group routine that it started to unravel.
Chaos Cathy and Anthony sat behind Abby and talked smack about Paige’s performance. And Abby couldn’t let that one go.
You’d think with all the money that the Masters of Dance Arts saved on stage presentation that they could have had a few people on security detail, but apparently not.
Abby convinced Paige to confront Anthony right there in the audience. In front of everybody. And then it all went South.
Scream. Cry. Rinse & Repeat.
Paige left the stage humiliated. Kelly ran to find her, only after laying into the entire row of seats behind her. It was a pretty good meltdown, but I got distracted by the kid on stage behind Kelly who was wearing those gigantic patriotic clown shoes. Please tell me someone else noticed.
Then Abby jumped on top of the pig pile.
And the audience goes wild.
Applause. iPhone photos. Madness.
Some kids even won some stuff, I think. But there’s no room left for that.
The season finished off with Kelly doing some seriously ugly crying.
There’s crying. There’s ugly crying. And then there’s Kelly ugly crying.
Not pretty. But it’s the season finale. And every season finale has to end with Kelly deciding that “she’s had it.” It’s in that same ALDC contract if I’m not mistaken.
Oh. And Abby’s looking at property in Los Angeles. And might leave Pittsburgh forever.
Yeah. That happened.
It was on. But now it’s over.
And if you feel like shedding a tear…JLo says save it.
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