The Real Housewives Of New Jersey: WWHL’s One-On-One With Teresa And Joe Giudice…Now In Toddler Sizes.

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“Is Bail Bettah?”

She wishes.

You know the story by now.  On October 1st, Joe and Teresa Giudice reported to court for sentencing on all their years of fabellini fraudulence.  They had already pleaded guilty to all sorts of bank fraud and tax evasion goodness and were finally facing the judge to receive their prison time.

Teresa got 15 months and Joe got a whopping 45 months, while Andy Cohen got off the easiest with only 60 minutes in the Watch What Happens Clubhouse.

That’s right.  It was the One-On-One 2 Part Special with Joe and Teresa and as soon as that WWHL train pulled out of the station, it was equal parts on-point and off the track for the entire two day trip.  All aboard.

Awkwardly Awesome ain’t even the word(s) for what went down at Bravo TV this week.

Moment after moment of OMG WTF-ness that left both me and Andy speechless and slamming shotskis as soon as the thing was over.

Notably odd was Teresa’s comment that she honestly believed her three youngest daughters did not know anything about what wassup at Casa Giudice.

Realistically, that’s an impossibility unless they are the only three students in their school.

But it did make me wonder how you would explain this whole mess to a toddler if he/she were really that oblivious to all the OK Magazine covers and text-eses that your Mom never reads.  Maybe with other toddlers, perhaps?

Pardon me while I grab my favorite WWHL Fairy Tale book off the clubhouse shelf…

tumblr_m8o3ojEOqF1rdutw3o1_500Once upon a time in the kingdom of BravoLand, there was a Queen named Teresa and King named Joe.  And they liked money.  A lot.

Making it.  And spending it.  But especially spending it.

Maybe too much.  But they figured out lots of ways to make lots of money.

And then even more money.

Some of the money came from The Real Housewives of New Jersey TV show, while some of the money was just make believe.  Like birthday unicorns.

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tumblr_mji38jzLIe1rrjlhho1_500The more money they made, the  more nice things they could buy.

Like doorknobs in the shape of giant angel wings, anything made out of faux fur and more hats then one woman could possibly wear in a lifetime.

Counting money and wearing hats is fun.

phpThumb_generated_thumbnailjpgracksWhen you have a lot of money, you can do lots of things.

But you can’t do this to the IRS…

rs_560x415-141006083023-1024.Teresa-Giudice-Joe-Giudice-WWHL-JR1-100614_copyMiddle-Finger-Girl-1When the King and Queen were finally caught doing bad things to get all that make believe money, they admitted to fake loans and incomplete listings of the palace furnishings and most of the Queen’s bling.

Even after signing papers that could possibly result in prison time, the Queen was completely shocked to hear that she actually had to go to jail next year.

I mean, she was shocked.  She was all like…

teresa-giudicetumblr_lw83ib0Y3V1r8pma2o3_500Nobody could believe that she had no idea she could go to prison for doing bad things.

Didn’t she sign papers?  TMZ had all kinds of them online.

Even the BravoLand Town Crier was all like Whaaaa-?!

You could tell he wanted to take them both and go…

anigif_enhanced-buzz-24493-1412906040-7

toddlers-4But he didn’t.  Because the cameras were rolling.

Apparently, the Queen likes to shop more than she likes to read, because she said she never actually read any of the papers the King made her sign for fake money.

And she never understood any of the other papers that the Royal Lawyers put in front of her that were now sending her to jail.

Ask the Queen to sit down and read something and she gets all like…

rs_1024x759-141006083033-1024.Teresa-Giudice-WWHL-JR-100614giphy-1“I do need to read things.”

Well, you’ve got about 15 months to catch up on a good book now.

When the Town Crier asked the King if he knew he was handing the Queen a whole bunch of make believe shizz to sign all these years, there were a few meathead slo-mo moments before he mumbled something about illegal things and tax stuff and some whatevers and then another whatever.

Lying is bad, kids.

Don’t lie.  Especially to yo’ woman.

teresa-giudice-1tumblr_mg0zmxiooU1qejlczo1_500Even though the Queen still seemed to be in complete denial that she was going to jail on January 5th, the Town Crier asked her if she was worried about her feisty Italian temper once she got locked up.

She wasn’t worried about herself.

The Royal Family…yes.  But herself…no.

She can handle life on the inside.

teresa-giudice-2tumblr_mga1wgnTkZ1qejlczo1_500When the King was asked if he was worried about the Queen being in prison, he kept it classy with a joke about chick-on-chick action in Cell Block T…

teresa-giudice-joe-giudice-wwhl-sentence-interviewanigif_enhanced-buzz-21689-1368634731-27We also found out that the Queen doesn’t know how to blow out her own hair.

Because I guess money makes you stupid.

Which is why she slicks it back a lot.  That’s way easier than plugging in a hair dryer.

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It was also revealed that the King has a drinking problem that was partially blamed on their TV show.

He can drink up to four bottles of Go-Go Juice in one night.

But only because it helps him sleep.

He may, or may not, seek help.  Or just spend 45 months drying out on his own.

teresa-joe-giudice-wwhl-oct-9-ftrhoney-boo-boo-go-go-juice

In the end, the King apologized to the Queen for sending her up the river for 15 months.

She didn’t seem too upset, though.  She was still standing by her man and gave him a kiss, acknowledging that he had been feeling pretty guilty for the last 24 hours.

Really.  24 hours.

She said that.

And then it was back to the royal palace.

Until it sells.  Or January.  Whichever comes first.

But for now…they lived (insert:__________) ever after.

The End.

wwhl-teresa-joe-giudice-w724tumblr_lny992Yf8l1qmt25uo1_400PS…Go check out T.Kyle’s realitytvgifs.  I totally lifted his AndyFace.  Thanks, dude.

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One Response to “The Real Housewives Of New Jersey: WWHL’s One-On-One With Teresa And Joe Giudice…Now In Toddler Sizes.”

  1. Hilary Says:

    How is your stuff not seen by millions of people?!?!? I am shocked to see no comments so I’m going to write to you personally, Mr. Dan. First off, I have a wicked, dry, snarky sense of humor but don’t laugh too much when I read blogs or recaps with the exception of a very few. You, sir, are one hell of a very funny person and can write the most fun and fierce recaps of what went down. I get your humor, your observations and ability to make a person feel they watched it without having to. This one is so damn hilarious and you picked the most perfect gifs. I so miss one of the greatest kids evah – Miss Diva herself Mac-to-the-Kenzie! You really need to be honored and admired by thousands… millions on this crazy never-ending web! Keep on doing what you do because you are so obviously talented and bring joy and laughter to this world! The ass-kissing will end now but it wasn’t to get me further in life, just so ya know. I’m just a fan.. would be a stalker but wouldn’t know where to find you! How comforting.. I know.

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