Dance Moms: It’s My Welcome Home Party And I’ll Charleston If I Want To. That’s Right, ALDC…Maddie’s Back!

February 24th, 2016

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I thought they’d all be hanging from the chandelier when I got back. Or at least that crazy new Mom.

 

 

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It’s Bubble Bath Time, ladies! First Mom to scrub my back scores their kid a fresh new solo.

 

 

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Girl, pleez. You think I’m going anywhere near water with this new hair? She can Charleston all day.

 

 

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#SLAY.

 

 

 

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And no more boys for you…unless their Dad is hot. And then you still have my number, right?

 

 

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I must need another new battery in this damn hearing aid, cuz I swear she just complimented Nia.

 

 

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Yo. Anyone know if those Minis are ever coming back? Cuz I’m totally calling all those juice boxes.

 

 

 

 

Relax.

I know Jessalynn doesn’t wear a hearing aid.  It was a joke.

Really.  It was.  So let’s not start off on the wrong foot, because there is way more important Dance Moms shizz to worry about this week than why Miracle Ear products are always getting slammed online for short battery life.

Like the return of Maddie Ziegler, for instance.  Because she’s baaaaaack!

tumblr_m9fpxdDEXy1r7dslf-1I know, right?  Everyone got a little emotional.

After being MIA long enough to remake the entire original Star Wars trilogy, Maddie was finally done filming her new movie and back at the ALDC where she belonged.

Supposedly on a full-time basis.  And supposedly for good.

Spoiler Alert:  Or at least for the rest of this season, if you know whaddimean.

And now that the team was all back together, they didn’t waste any time getting right down to bidnezz as soon as the credits rolled.  And after my MomCrush Jill got herself situated under all that fur-collared goodness she was wearing, of course.  You see that?

The struggle is real.  Ponchos are a lot of work.

j3Here she is in the same outfit with the matching chapeau.

enhanced-9448-1395080592-21And here’s Jill again, with Ashlee, right before they threw down on Dress Up Day.

hjhjvnBut today wasn’t Dress Up Day at the ALDC.

It was Dark Denim Day, apparently, which resulted in this whole situation on the bleachers.

denimDo you think they call each other in the morning?  Because I do.

Regardless, Maddie was back.

And so was Abby Lee Miller for a change.

After phoning in most of her performance last week, Abby actually showed up.

On time.  With her hair done.  And her makeup done.

And her pants on.

The only thing that seemed to be missing was her passion for the job.  Or at least that’s what the Moms felt as the conversation focused on all the drama swirling around Abby’s personal life.  And you know what I’m talking ’bout, Willis…

a1The Moms wanted Abby’s commitment to the team and the studio, which had clearly been in question ever since those TMZ app alerts started coming across their iPhones all those many weeks ago.

0205-tmz-live-launch-1-1080x608Side note:  How do you think The Artist Formerly Known As P.Diddy feels about being the follow-up story to Abby Lee Miller yelling at some poor schmo who gets paid minimum wage to make pizzas?  His shirts are marked down at TJMaxx right now, too.

Aside from wanting the correct 5 dolla make her holla toppings on her Pizza Hut deep dish, Abby also wanted Maddie to get her act together and start winning again.

Like she used to.  Before she got famous.

Maybe even…dare we say it…

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…more famous than Abby?

You might wanna hold that thought for a few minutes, because sumthin’s up.

Like Melissa‘s blood pressure, for example, when she found out that Abby had not watched Maddie’s appearance on the the Ellen show, even though she sent her the link and everything.  Not cool.

Look at Melissa’s hair.  She looks like Britney Spears, right?

m3giphyPyramid Of Shame note:  There was one.  But Abby wasn’t into it.  So neither are we.

When you don’t have one every week, it kinda loses its impact.  The takeaways from the Big Reveal were a montage of Ashlee hating on all the other Moms/Kids and Kalani’s headshot at the top.

Look at how mature she is now.

khEven Melissa got a little verklempt at how fast all the girls are growing up.

britney-spears-nods-head-x-factorThis week, the gang was headed to the Dream National Dance Competition in San Diego, where three…count ’em…THREE girls would perform solos.

Sasha Nia You In My Way Boo Sioux scored a musical theater meets Liza Minnelli meets (…Spoiler Alert…) prohibition house flapper girl routine entitled ‘Money Makes The World Go Down’ while Mackenzie would be pleading ‘Don’t Take My Fire’ in an acrobatical number.

Which is possibly even less of an actual word than last week’s ‘pathetical.’

It happened fast, but I think right around here was when Abby might have even said something nice about Nia.

But like I said, it happened so fast that I may have made it all up in my head.

And for the third solo, Nurse JoJo was going to show no ‘Mercy’ and kill someone with a tranquilizer dart just for laughs.  So we also had that to look forward to, I guess.

I swear.  That chick always gets the whacky s***.

jjiAnd speaking of saving the environment and recycling…

NEA_recycling_bins,_Orchard_Road…the group routine was going to be a rewind of Season One’s ‘Sinful.’  Except that now the kids were bigger and it was called ‘7 Deadly Sins’ because why not.

Sinfuldm-2Look at how tiny they were back then.

Side note:  I hope that’s the right dance.  If it’s not…they’re still tiny.  And cute.

Abby called it a reworking of a classic routine.

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Holly made this #HollyFace for three days straight and called it ‘Laziness.’

hfYou decide.

The next day, as the girls got to rehearsing, the Moms kept trying to figure out what was up with Abby this week.  Was she into it?  Was she phoning it in again?

The Short Version:  With only two days to go now, everyone was starting to think that maybe Abby was jealous of Maddie’s success.

Wait.  What?

Jessalynn figured that Abby couldn’t handle the fact that the student was now more famous than the teacher.  Maddie’s skyrocketing success had pretty much left Abby behind in the exhaust fumes.

Jess also still had fur from Jill’s poncho in her eyes 24 hours later, the poor thing.  Look at her trying to dig it out before she goes blind.

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Ashlee smelled blood in the water as Maddie struggled with getting her mojo back.  Could this be Brynn‘s time to shine?  To…I dunno…steal the spotlight, maybe?  Hmmm.

ashMelissa kept chewing her nails like this.  All that acrylic in your gut can’t be good for you.

mnAnd Holly made that #HollyFace again.

hfAnd then one more time.

hfUntil Abby tried to make Nia do the Charleston in her Teen Division competitive dance routine, that is, and then she couldn’t even make a #HollyFace she was so horrified.

So she just sat there all like…

h1…while her brain flashed back to her only daughter twerking and barking like a dog and wearing a Soul Train afro.  And now you want a Charleston?  Really?

750ofI don’t think so.

Holly busted into the studio.  Abby was all like Whatever.  Holly was all like Are You Kidding Me?  Abby was all like I’m The Boss.  Holly was all like...  

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You go, Holly.

Honestly, that stupid gold foam core star on the door is so dinged up already that somebody needs to take it down before I book a flight to LA and do it myself.  Then maybe I’ll be able to pay more attention to all these doorway tirades.

Thank you for your attention to this important visual eyesore.

And then we entered an alternate reality for the second time this week.

giphy 0e9dfbf73b8786409725a133ca122c32Abby.  Complimented.  Nia.  Again.

I know.

tumblr_mlrrd9sVdJ1r3ty02o1_500Same.

When I came to, it was already the next day…a3

…and Abby was wearing a towel on her head for some reason.

It’s true.  She walked out of that storeroom/dorm room/deli space behind the studio with a wet towel on head like she just spent the morning at the ALDC DaySpa or something.

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I dunno.

Full disclosure:  I think I’m partial to the original version from a few seasons back, only because there were so many donuts in the background.  And she had more of an evening wear kind of thing going on back then, which was très urban.

But let’s be honest.

She had more of everything going on back then, if we’re keeping it real.

Andy-Dwyer-Shock

But both versions are equally insane.  Don’t you worry.

a11Finally..and thankfully…it was Showtime!

Well, after the Best.  Commercial.  Break.  Ever.  that is.

Did you flip channels too fast or did you see it?  The Weight Watchers commercial?

With Oprah?

OPRAH.

oLOVES.

o1BREAD.

o2I mean.  LOVES.  BREAD.

What the what was that?

I gave me such anxiety I had to carbo load before bed just because Oprah said so.

And now I want to gain weight just so I can lose it again with Oprah.

You get bread.  You get bread.  You all get bread!

oprah6tumblr_lfddqaTh8Z1qb5hu9I think Holly summed it up best with what is now my second favorite #HollyFace ever.

h5WTF?

And then it really was Showtime.

For some reason, little Brynn wasn’t even listed in the program because she was on probation.  Or her mother was on probation.  Or Abby was just being mean.

It wasn’t really clear.

Side note:  Gianna was around this week, but I guess she wasn’t mic’d because we never heard her speak.  I like her even though she doesn’t have those ombré tips anymore.

JoJo was first out for solos in her crazy nurse garb.  She killed it…no pun intended.

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And then, as if TWO Nia compliments on top of Oprah yelling at me in my pajamas wasn’t enough…Mackenzie was not wearing pig tails.  At all.  I swear.

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Somehow in the last two weeks, our little MackenzieBoo mouse had grown up and was now strutting around with Ariana Grande hair and a sassy attitude to match.  She even did a questionably inappropriate but appropriately cute lick yo’ finger and sizzle it on your butt move at the end of her routine.

Like I do when I’m trying on new pants at Banana Republic.  Because, yes…now it’s possible to wear skinny jeans even if you love bread.

Right?

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abNia finished up the trifecta in style, even though Holly knew the dance was not set up to be a competitive teen solo.  But Nia did what she could with as little as Abby had given her and made us all proud.  #TeamNiaNation.

nHer #SideEye will always be better than her Charleston, tho.  Which is as it should be.

The group routine was great, even if it was recycled.

Watching them grow up so fast is always kind of sad, but now that these girls don’t fall down as much and can keep hats on their heads, I gotta say they’re pretty good at getting the job done.

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They rushed through the awards pretty quickly, probably because someone was afraid the BoyBand emcee was gonna rip out his shirt if it got any tighter.

Ok, dude.  I see what you did there.  We get it.  You work out.photo-2938

And you know he’s totally somebody’s gym crush.  California does like it’s ManCandy.

The Awards:  JoJo only stabbed her way to Third Place, which was still great.

Ariana/Mack snagged First Place and pretty much did another backflip for finally winning the top spot.  And Nia came in Fourth, which made me sad but sometimes you get what you get when your choreography is lower than the bar you set for your students.

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Because that’s how the argument went after it was all said and done.

Holly got on Abby’s case and called her out on a whole laundry list of issues, which she couldn’t really deny.  And she didn’t try to.  At all.

She even…wait for it…

giphy…kinda, sorta apologized.

Apologized.

What show am I even watching right now?

And Abby cried again.

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And then it was over, because everyone had to form a search party before it got dark to try and track down all those Minis that have been missing for two weeks.

Really.  Is that not a thing anymore?  What ever happened to all those little buggers?

Unless we hear something back in the morning, I guess that’s all she wrote for another week, kids.  I’ll keep you posted.

Let’s do it again soon.

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Bring It!: Yo…Can You Hear Me Now? I Hope So, Cuz Xplosive Dance Co. And The Dolls ‘Bout To Blow It All Up.

February 21st, 2016

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I got about this much more patience for that fool posting my wig snatch video every week. Really?

 

 

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I don’t even care if it’s JJ wearing my good weave. I just need one of my babies on stage.

 

 

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When my Mama’s not the craziest one anymore, I got no words. I’ll just be over here dancing if you need me. ‘kay?

 

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Gurrrl…put your damn phone down and pay attention. He’s singing Johnny Mathis, f’realz.

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Imma hit that floor and show ’em all what I got. Cuz a baby gotta do what a baby gotta do.

 

 

bring-it-lawd-have-mercy-please-let-sunjai-ma-L-17hNet

 

 

 

 

Ya. What she said.

 

dd4l

 

 

 

 

AwHellNah. How did Princess Nutcracker get one of them new tops before I did? This is so not cool.

 

 

 

Before we begin.

A musical interlude.

With apologies to Taylor Swift, of course.

And to her boardroom full of lawyers as well, who are no doubt already working up Cease & Desist paperwork that should be in my hands before you even get to the end of this recap.  So you might wanna speed read this week, just in case.

But it’s all good.

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‘Cause the playas gonna play, play, play, play, play.

And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.

I shake it off, I shake it off.

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I take it off, I take it off.

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Dat’s rite.  Beat ’em Beat ’em Down Down to the Ground, yo.

And you might as well just Stand Up Sit Down Fight Fight Fight while you’re at it…cuz Bring it! was snatching and shaking stuff like I don’t know what this week.

It was the Buck Wild competition in Greenville, MS and Dianna Williams and her Dancing Dolls were ’bout to show us all how hip hop majorettes do cheer.

Trust me.  This ain’t yo’ Mamas Pom Pom category.

84b39__orig-21187582.jpgAfter coming in Second Place to the Dazzling Divas in last week’s Duet awards, Miss D was determined to take the Dolls all the way to the top spots in both Stand Battle and Pom Pom at this week’s event, where the girls would be going up against the Dazzlin Starz, the Delta JewelsXplosive Dance Company of Dallas and the Girls Who Think It’s OK To Take Up Two Seats On The Bus Because Your Knock-Off Louis Bag Is Too Big. 

Side note:  It’s never ok to take up two seats.  And yo’ “LV” sticker is backwards.

giphyAs if all the cheer prep wasn’t enough, Dianna was also doing additional solo cuts for the upcoming Battle Royale, which was now less than two months away.

This week, the audition pool would be cut down by 66%…from 11 hopefuls to only 6…so the pressure was on like never before.  Especially since just the solo portion of the season ending competition was worth 50% of a team’s total score.

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Same.

As the girls began working on their long division and cheer choreography, we scooted down to Dallas (…where everything is bigger, BTW…) to see how Coach Charkeitha Frazier and the girls of Xplosive were preparing for the competition.

Can you hear me now?

image.axdNot very well, actually.

Turns out Charkeitha had laryngitis or CheerMouth or something and needed to talk thru a bullhorn the whole time like Navy guys do when they land planes on aircraft carriers in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

Here she is chillaxing by the bleachers, but I have no idea what she was talking about because her voice was all scratchy and she forgot her bullhorn in the other room.

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Side note:  At one point in the episode, Charkeitha was rocking a sexy Xplosive Dance Company of Dallas top that had a really sparkly glitter bomb graphic in the middle which totally reminded me of this for some reason…

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…so double bonus points for being both a Fashionista and Batman fan.  You go, girl.

The XDC team also had a built-in cheer squad as part of the total package, so you knew their pom pom game was gonna be on point.  No pressure, of course.

Back at the Dollhouse, the girls were twerking and werking it while the DDP Mamas were out in the IKEA Lounge/Viewing Room getting their crazy on.

Knowing that XDC had girls who were genetically bred to cheer, my girl Tina was understandably worried about the pom pom portion of the competition.

Check out this Kardashian hair.  Where’d that even come from?

tn1 (1)Rittany (…in her short and sassy hair, my favorite if anyone’s asking…) felt that Crystianna should lead the charge this week since she was a legit pom pom cheerleader in her day job.  I love how Crystianna has turned into this beast on the dance floor even though I don’t believe we’ve yet to hear her speak in the Dollhouse in three seasons.

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And how ’bout Seloncé‘s new Whitney ‘do that she pulled outta nowhere last week?

sbr564d19a8f174c577dc3bc0c07b1b9f60Where do they keep all this hair?  I’m being serious.

And as long as we’re on the subject.  Here’s actual behind-the-scenes footage of Mimi putting on her new weave and singing the theme song from Frozen.

tumblr_mxemcpmKVS1sq85i2o3_500 tumblr_mxemcpmKVS1sq85i2o2_500 tumblr_mxemcpmKVS1sq85i2o5_500Let it Go.  Hooty Hoooooooo.

mimiI think I love this show too much sometimes.

And then it was time for solo cuts.

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All 11 girls.

Count ’em…Camryn.  Faith.  Jalen.  Ken’Janae.  Imonje.  MaKalah.  Makya.  Shaqueria.  Shakyla.  Crystianna and maybe even Sky.

Or Star.  Or JJ.  I dunno.  They all look the same. right?

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Kidding.  It was Sky.  sky1But how much does our BabyGirl look like her BabyDaddy?

I mean, it’s crazy.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t dance like her BabyDaddy (…Spoiler Alert: YET…) and immeditately got cut…

tumblr_nk34d9hk6U1tb8iyko2_500…along with 4 other girls.

The Final Six:  Ken’Janae.  Faith.  Camryn.  Crystianna.  Makya.  MaKalah.

Bonus Points:  To me.  For typing all those names.  Twice.

Full disclosure:  I don’t even try to spell-check Bring It! recaps anymore.  I just don’t.

And who knew that Mimi and Rittany both participated in cheerleading back in the day?

Because they did.  And we got to relive it for a few minutes back in the IKEA Lounge when they busted out an impromptu Cheer-Off.

Surprisingly, Mimi’s routine was a little more PattyCake PattyCake Jackson High than I had expected…

m (1)…while Rittany’s was more of a I’ll Cut You Bitch If You Score kinda thing.url-2Side note:  Check out this University of Memphis cheerleader completely losing her nutty when they won their division in the Hip Hop National Championships.  Holy crap. PQeR5CQThe next day, concerned that Sky had voiced some indecision about continuing on at the Dollhouse after being cut from the solo auditions, Seloncé decided to poke her head into the bear’s den and go speak with Dianna in her office.

doll1Ok.  Since I love this show so much, I’m not even gonna go there.

Because I know it’s real life.  AND a TV show.  And sometimes with real life and TV shows you just need a redo because the Sound Guy messes up or whatever.  It happens.

But I love this show.

So all I’m gonna say is that maybe next time the Continuity Guy should get with the Editing Guy and figure out why the Wig Guy wasn’t at the meeting yesterday.

I see what you did there, Lifetime.

doll3 (1)But it don’t even matter.

All that really matters is that Toys ‘r Us get that Dianna Barbie Doll on the shelves by next Christmas or I’m gonna have some issues with the corporate office.

And it better come with about 37 weaves and a string on the back that makes her say “DD4L!” and “Heifer!” when you pull it.

doll2Anyway.  If you know what I’m talking about, then you know what I’m talking about.

And if you missed the whole blooper, then we can just move on.  Because I love this show too much to even be having this discussion any longer.

Especially when we should be talking about what’s going on with this WAPT Channel 16 News anchor lady hair.  Dang, girlfriend.  Somebody’s stepping it up this week.  How’s rush hour traffic on the expressway tonight?

sjh (1)The next day, for whatever reason, Miss D decided to add a few more girls into the routine.  Maybe Seloncé  knew what she was doing in that office after all.

And little Tanesha got sick.

taneshaOr had a panic attack.  Or was just hungry.

Or all of the above.  Turns out that this is an ongoing situation with her during practice and right before actual performances.  She gets a little anxious.

But Captain Camryn came to her rescue with a pep talk and a Snickers bar.

Because sometimes you’re just not yourself…

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time for my boy Jay Fever Flav to get to work announcing this shizz.

The judge who kinda looks like a cross between Cicely Tyson and the lady from that sitcom whose name escapes me right now was back again, along with Jay Fever Johnny Harrington V, his bowtie and a GQ-inspired lapel pin.

Just to shake things up and keep the lovelies on their toes, Jay skipped the pocket square this week.  It was messing up the line of his trim-fit.

Look at how that new judge on the right is looking at Cicely Tyson all like ‘Dang, Gurl…Why Didn’t You Tell Me How Fine That Boy Is All This Time?’ while Jay is trying to focus on the job at hand.

Oh, yeah.  Now that’s what I’m talking about.  No wonder you show up every week.

jfSide note:  Even though my other boy Twon McClain didn’t get any camera time, he was there for the event.  Just outside moving cars.

Literally.  Pushing them around the parking lot like Chattanooga’s Incredible Hulk.

bring-it-lookie-lookie-lookie-here-comes-cook-L-WHxP0P

One:  Dude is jacked.

Two:  Don’t park in front of a hydrant and you won’t get your car towed.  Or Twon’d.

Jay and Twon:  #SquadGoals.

The Pom Pom Category was first up and the two most important takeaways were probably why 100+ XDC girls were all wearing pink underwear with black costumes and how sassy Crystianna was when she got up to that judges’ table.

Yaaaaaas, Cryssie!  Yaaaaaas!

chr

 Weekly Meeting In The Back Hallway:  Can you hear me now?

bhThat would be YES.

d1 d2It’s true.  Everything (…except yo’ dresses, apparently…) are bigger in Texas.

After a few Stand Battle Rounds and one final Tanesha meltdown, which resulted in this…dt

…this…tn…this…t1…and even this…

tumblr_o2tfmwRROE1tb8iyko1_500…it was time for the final Battle!

The Dazzlin Starz vs. the Dancing Dolls!

Both teams did a great job.  Even though we barely saw the Dazzlin Starz, I like how sassy their coach is when she’s watching from the sidelines.

Stand Battle:  First Place…Dancing Dolls!

Pom Pom: Second Place…Dancing Dolls!

Wait.  What?  Uh oh.

Dianna wasn’t liking it.  But Life is like that, even when you try to do your best.

To lighten the mood, here’s some footage of me when I lied about my age on the application and snuck into Baby Dancing Doll Training Camp.  I swear.

Kid-Dances-With-Cheerleader

Boom.  Blow It Up.

And then it was over.

At least for another week.  Thanks for stopping by.

No, really.  Thank you.  Thank you very much.

jf2Now get off your damn phone and go get some fresh air.

DD4L!tumblr_m7ovkbfkqd1ro8ysbo1_500

Dance Moms: The ALDC’s About To Put Some Phunk In Dat Steampunk. It’s Debbie Allen To The Rescue Again!

February 17th, 2016

hw

 

 

If you two just stay cute and clean up all this crap, Mama will sit here and do your homework for you.

 

 

ww (2)

 

 

Srsly with this cup in my shot again? Why can’t they pay for a commercial like everyone else?

 

 

jail1

 

 

It’s been awhile since Accounting, but I think whatever you erase just kinda goes away…

 

 

niaguns

 

 

 

Contour all you want, but you ain’t never getting my #HollyArms. They’re a work of art, Baby.

 

car

 

 

 

Whoa. I specifically asked for hot sauce in my bag. Beyoncé got hot sauce in her bag, swag. Gurrl…*

 

 

kkg

 

 

I’m going on four weeks with no sleep and a leaky pump. You sure you wanna do this right now?

 

 

dalazy (1)

 

 

I know that heifer didn’t just call me Lazy, cuz I will rip that car door right off the hinge.

 

 

 

*Before we even begin:

Drumroll, please.giphy-1

If you didn’t get that opening Beyoncé Super Bowl reference, it already means we’re gonna have trouble this week.  Imma need y’all to stay up to date on your pop culture or we can’t be friends anymore.

Also.  This is Queen Bey breaking in new shoes.giphyThis is you.

IMG_1650Any questions?

Good.  Now on to Dance Moms.

So you want Fame?  Again?

Chile, pleez.  Who doesn’t?  But it’s still gonna cost you.

And right here is where you keep paying.  Financially and emotionally this time.

So just have a seat.

And sit like this if you don’t mind…

DebbieAllen-Fame …because (…YAAAAAAAAS, Gawd!…) Debbie Allen is back!

Dat’s rite.  It was Miss Allen to the rescue once again as Abby Lee Miller continued the long, slow process of losing all her mental marbles…one by one…thanks to all the shizz that you keep seeing on the TMZ app.

Melissa and my MomCrush Jill were the first to find Abby this week, hunkered down in that crazy backroom/bedroom/storage room situation, unexplainably surrounded by a bunch of school boys and clutter.

Take Your Neighbor’s Son To Work Day, I guess.

As Abby struggled with what was either the NYTimes crossword puzzle or a page ripped out of one of those Barnes & Noble Sudoku books (…it was hard to tell…) a bunch of random child laborers were busy organizing sequined tube tops and who knows what else into more of those plastic Target bins.  Like when the Backstreet Boys used to have to do odd jobs to pay for their first demo cd.  Except nothing like that, probably.

With her hair up in those invisible, make-believe hot rollers again, Abby was a mess.

aWith an “ongoing incident” involving $170, 000 that (…allegedly…) may or may not have vanished in the Bermuda Triangle, Abby clearly had more important things on her mind than setting up the latest Pyramid of Shame.  Despite Melissa and Jill’s urging, she couldn’t be bothered this week.  Sorry.  Not gonna happen.

She did cry a dramatic single tear, which I have never been able to recreate even tho I attempt it every time something doesn’t go my way.

Wait for it.

tIt’s coming.

t2

There it is!

t2Just like in the soap operas.

cries-in-spanishDespite all of Melissa and Jill’s attempts at coaxing Abby out of the backroom, she wasn’t budging.  Even when the rest of the Moms joined in on the rally…nuthin.

It was like on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom when that guy used to stick his whole head into a gopher hole and only came back out with a bloody nose.  Some times you just have to cut your losses before you lose any eye.

Side note:  In a moment of hilarity, Jessalynn told Gianna that Abby looked exactly like Gia always does every morning at 7:10am.  I’m just gonna leave that one right here and you can decide if it was meant as point of reference or an insult.  Your call.

Abby’s cup totally matches all the crap in the back, BTW.

a1Since Pyramids aren’t Gia’s thang, we scooted right into assignments for the week.

The ‘Well-Oiled Machine’ group number was going to be a steampunk-themed dance that would include Maddie if she ever decided to show up again.  That movie was certainly taking long enough.  I’m pretty sure the new Star Wars movie wrapped up faster.

Clever Segue Dept.:  This is what R2-D2 would look like if he were steampunk-ed.

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Side note:  The movie 9 was a cute movie if you still need a kinda sorta family-friendly Netflix example of steampunk.  Little kids won’t understand any of the end-of-the-world depressing stuff, but they’ll totally want a couple of these stuffed beanbags with eyes.

And the animation is insane.  Look at these little guys.

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Kalani and Brynn both scored solos.  Since the gang was headed to Arizona for this week’s Sheer Talent Competition (…and Phoenix was Kalani and Brynn’s hometown…) you could already tell where the bulk of the drama would be coming from this week.

Kalani was excited to see her Mom after all this time (…Spoiler Alert:  Kira‘s back!…) while Brynn just started doing this a lot.

bPoor little nugget.  This whole Maddie Stand-In thing is going to give her a stroke.

Which Wich Sighting/Drinking Game Alert:  That yellow cup was back again.

wwLifetime is giving away coupons for FREE Which Wich sammies if you find all 27 times the logo cup showed up in this episode.  Let’s make it a game until the network sues me.

They Said It Would Never Happen Dept.:  You might wanna sit down again, because the Moms all just agreed on something.  I swear.  All of them.  Even Jill and Ashlee, who hate each other.  But not as much as Ashlee hates Kira.  And vice versa.

Every last one of the Moms agreed that the girls would be better off rehearsing at Debbie Allen’s studio if this was how Abby was gonna play it this week.  They were going to go where they were wanted.

So Jill called all the kids into a quick family meeting and told them they were packing up their gear (…subliminal steampunk foreshadowing…) and heading outta Dodge for the week.

JoJo was all for it.

jj

Kendall looked like she was having a BrynnStroke even though she wasn’t really.

I’m not sure what that was all about.
kk

 Mackenzie is still on the show, FYI.

mzAnd Nia was straight up Whatever.  #OverItThankYou.

overitSide note:  When did our little Sasha Nia get so big?  Look at her.  Boo all growed up, yo.

niaAnd then Brynn did this again.

b1Side note:  Naturally, Holly still had Debbie Allen in her speed dial, so just to be on the safe side I made sure my phone was fully charged.  Because, you know…“DE–“ is pretty close to “DA–“ and I didn’t want to miss Holly’s call if she #ButtDialed me by mistake.

Because I’m pretty sure I’m in her speed dial, too.

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Or not, maybe.

Needless to say, the trip to Debbie Allen’s Dance Academy was beyond inspirational.

Miss D was all like ‘Halleloo’ and ‘Discover The Narrative’ and wearing this…

da (1)…and doing this…

da3…and going ‘YAAAAAAAAS!’ like I don’t know what.

da1YAAAAAAAAS!  YAAAAAAAAS!  YAAAAAAAAS!  And…YAAAAAAAAS with a fan!

i_B3_P20i2_SGu9_OSide note:  In all the excitement to get to Debbie Allen’s crib, I may have forgotten to mention all the nasty texts that Kira (…allegedly…) had been sending Ashlee (…who she hates…) because Ashlee (…who hates Kira…) had (…allegedly…) said nasty things about Kira and Kalani (…who nobody hates…) and that had now spiraled so far out of control that Lifetime will probably have to bail on the Which Wich freebies in order to payroll additional security when Kira comes off maternity leave.

**@!#!*#@@!**

kg1

Yeah.  What she said.

And then we came back from a commercial break and I swear they skipped an entire day of filming, because Maddie was already back.  And Kira was back.  And everyone was already in Arizona at Kira’s Adage Dance Studio.

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Exactly.

Even Abby was in Arizona.  Because it’s a dry heat.

And because she wanted to pout and complain and get all up in e’rrybody’s grill without having to actually participate in any of the dance-related activities leading up to the competition.

She did , however, show up in the parking lot with a bag full of tasty lettuce wraps.  After getting her roots done, of course.  But before getting her eyelashes glued on.

#GospelTruth.

You can’t make this show up.  You just can’t.
eat2Did you see her eating?  She kind of chews like a bunny.

MjdPanhSomething about her cheeks, I think.eatNobody could believe she flew all the way to Arizona to eat lettuce wraps.  Which must be pretty tasty if you’re gonna fly all the way to Arizona just to eat lettuce wraps, right?  I don’t even like putting my pants back on to go across the street for a slice of pepperoni.

So you go, Arizona.  You and your tasty lettuce wraps just go.

I’m not even going to address the part where Abby called Debbie Allen lazy.

Side note:  Jess’s faces are starting to give me Life.  What the what did she just say?

jjss

Q.  Anyone else notice all the stuff going on in Kira’s studio?  All the photos and writing and chalkboard artwork everywhere you looked?  Someone even drew a Cat-In-The-Hat hat on the blackboard for some reason.  Except it was purple.

kgYou could tell Holly was getting some baaaaad SchoolDaze flashbacks.

hAnd everything was labeled with hot pink paper from Staples.

Every.  Thing.

Even the water in a vending machine that was clearly designed for dispensing beverages made out of water was labeled ‘water.’

That’s just crazy.  Who does that?

AQToh-1450285111-575-blog-batmanlabels

Besides Batman, I mean.

Finally it was Showtime!

And time for Kira to show up a few minutes late because she was out back pumping gas at the Exxon station and the credit card machine wouldn’t accept her new card.

Because that’s totally what she was talking about, right?

Otherwise, she came into that backroom sharing way too much information for me that close to my bedtime.

Oh.  And Ashlee called out Kira for her 3 Baby Daddies and criminal record.

427I know, right?  El Morte.

Which doesn’t even make any sense but it’s the only Spanish I know.

Jill was like Pleeeez…

satan

…but Ashlee was trying to be all like…

tumblr_nwb9htabMV1ujoffjo1_500..and then it was nothing but screaming and yelling about boob jobs and credit fraud and who hated who the most while Abby just sat there reading the Sheer Talent program book wondering what was taking the damn waiter so long to come over to her table.

menuQ.  Srsly.  Did she even know where she was this week?

Kira swore some more, called Ashlee pathetical (…which, BTW…turns out to be a real word after all…) and then went tearing out of her own studio before the show even started.

No wonder she’s always in the back pumping gas.

That’s a lot of miles on the car if you’re gonna keep driving back and forth between your house and your business every time somebody pushes your buttons.

It all makes sense now.

Side note:  Baby Jett got cuter this week.  What a niblet.  Go creep her Facebook.

And then…finally…it was really Showtime!

And Daycare time, apparently, because the first two rows of the auditorium were filled with kids holding Care Bears and not paying attention to anything that was going on around them.  You can get plenty of gas when you need it, but I guess babysitters are in short supply in AZ this time of year.

Kalani nailed her solo.  Nailed.  It.kh

Brynn did great, too.  But she seemed a little…little…after seeing Kalani’s long legs.

Look at her with all those Little House On The Prairie braids going on.  Can’t you just see her screaming for Pa when the horses get loose?  I love Brynn.  So cute.

b.2tiff

I think I forgot the part where Kira supplied all the steampunk costumes for the group routine since Abby had emotionally checked-out for the week.  My bad.

They looked great (…and the gear-centric stencil makeup was amazeballs…) but the girls were all wearing different styles of shorts, which Abby noticed when she finally took her head out of the Chéz Adage menu.

sp

Luckily, she miraculously had a steampunk steamer trunk full of ziplock bags stuffed with matching booty shorts in the perfect burgundy accent color.  Really.  I swear.

A Bag O’ Shorts.  Outta nowhere.

Rewind the DVR.  If I’m lying, I’m dying.  And I thought I was the only one who liked to keep my booty shorts as water-tight as farmers market veggies.

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Don’t ask.

Holly couldn’t believe that everyone was worrying about costumes 30 seconds before the music started when they could have been figuring it all out three days ago before Abby melted down.  Good job this week, Ms. Miller.  Good job..

Then there was some more screaming.

And another one of those chaotic Girl Talk commercials where JoJo told me how to pack a dance bag for a sleepover and sit in my splits while I’m watching TV.

Ok.

As if.

ar

That’s the face I make when someone tells me to sit in a split.  Ashlee just stole it.

The Awards:  Kalani took First Place.  But Brynn didn’t place.  And there was clearly a third Kendall solo sumthin sumthin that ended up on the editing room floor, because KK was running all around the stage wearing a sash and beauty pageant crown that was way too small to be her mother’s.

Full Disclosure:  Haters gonna hate, but I heart the Vertes family.  Check out Mama in this lil numbah.  You know she knows she looks gooooood.

jcs

And the ALDC group routine snatched First Place!  And they deserved it.

It was tough.  Sharp.  Aggressive.  With a funky grinding gear sound that made it extra steampunkish, which is just as much a word as pathetical, thank you very much.

tumblr_o2o3fiXlaP1tb8iyko1_500And then it was over.

Abby was just as vague about next week as she was last week about this week.  And made about as much sense as that sentence just did.

Maddie was back for good.  Which meant that Brynn was on probation now.  Which meant that Ashlee was on probation.  Which meant that next week was almost certainly guaranteed some more Mama Drama fo’ sho’.

Q.  Didn’t this show used to have Minis?  Wait a minute…

Never mind.  It’s late.

For now, it’s time for all us steampunks to go home.

See you next time.

Buh bye.

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