Dance Moms: The ALDC’s About To Put Some Phunk In Dat Steampunk. It’s Debbie Allen To The Rescue Again!

February 17th, 2016




If you two just stay cute and clean up all this crap, Mama will sit here and do your homework for you.



ww (2)



Srsly with this cup in my shot again? Why can’t they pay for a commercial like everyone else?






It’s been awhile since Accounting, but I think whatever you erase just kinda goes away…







Contour all you want, but you ain’t never getting my #HollyArms. They’re a work of art, Baby.






Whoa. I specifically asked for hot sauce in my bag. Beyoncé got hot sauce in her bag, swag. Gurrl…*






I’m going on four weeks with no sleep and a leaky pump. You sure you wanna do this right now?



dalazy (1)



I know that heifer didn’t just call me Lazy, cuz I will rip that car door right off the hinge.




*Before we even begin:

Drumroll, please.giphy-1

If you didn’t get that opening Beyoncé Super Bowl reference, it already means we’re gonna have trouble this week.  Imma need y’all to stay up to date on your pop culture or we can’t be friends anymore.

Also.  This is Queen Bey breaking in new shoes.giphyThis is you.

IMG_1650Any questions?

Good.  Now on to Dance Moms.

So you want Fame?  Again?

Chile, pleez.  Who doesn’t?  But it’s still gonna cost you.

And right here is where you keep paying.  Financially and emotionally this time.

So just have a seat.

And sit like this if you don’t mind…

DebbieAllen-Fame …because (…YAAAAAAAAS, Gawd!…) Debbie Allen is back!

Dat’s rite.  It was Miss Allen to the rescue once again as Abby Lee Miller continued the long, slow process of losing all her mental marbles…one by one…thanks to all the shizz that you keep seeing on the TMZ app.

Melissa and my MomCrush Jill were the first to find Abby this week, hunkered down in that crazy backroom/bedroom/storage room situation, unexplainably surrounded by a bunch of school boys and clutter.

Take Your Neighbor’s Son To Work Day, I guess.

As Abby struggled with what was either the NYTimes crossword puzzle or a page ripped out of one of those Barnes & Noble Sudoku books (…it was hard to tell…) a bunch of random child laborers were busy organizing sequined tube tops and who knows what else into more of those plastic Target bins.  Like when the Backstreet Boys used to have to do odd jobs to pay for their first demo cd.  Except nothing like that, probably.

With her hair up in those invisible, make-believe hot rollers again, Abby was a mess.

aWith an “ongoing incident” involving $170, 000 that (…allegedly…) may or may not have vanished in the Bermuda Triangle, Abby clearly had more important things on her mind than setting up the latest Pyramid of Shame.  Despite Melissa and Jill’s urging, she couldn’t be bothered this week.  Sorry.  Not gonna happen.

She did cry a dramatic single tear, which I have never been able to recreate even tho I attempt it every time something doesn’t go my way.

Wait for it.

tIt’s coming.


There it is!

t2Just like in the soap operas.

cries-in-spanishDespite all of Melissa and Jill’s attempts at coaxing Abby out of the backroom, she wasn’t budging.  Even when the rest of the Moms joined in on the rally…nuthin.

It was like on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom when that guy used to stick his whole head into a gopher hole and only came back out with a bloody nose.  Some times you just have to cut your losses before you lose any eye.

Side note:  In a moment of hilarity, Jessalynn told Gianna that Abby looked exactly like Gia always does every morning at 7:10am.  I’m just gonna leave that one right here and you can decide if it was meant as point of reference or an insult.  Your call.

Abby’s cup totally matches all the crap in the back, BTW.

a1Since Pyramids aren’t Gia’s thang, we scooted right into assignments for the week.

The ‘Well-Oiled Machine’ group number was going to be a steampunk-themed dance that would include Maddie if she ever decided to show up again.  That movie was certainly taking long enough.  I’m pretty sure the new Star Wars movie wrapped up faster.

Clever Segue Dept.:  This is what R2-D2 would look like if he were steampunk-ed.


Side note:  The movie 9 was a cute movie if you still need a kinda sorta family-friendly Netflix example of steampunk.  Little kids won’t understand any of the end-of-the-world depressing stuff, but they’ll totally want a couple of these stuffed beanbags with eyes.

And the animation is insane.  Look at these little guys.


Kalani and Brynn both scored solos.  Since the gang was headed to Arizona for this week’s Sheer Talent Competition (…and Phoenix was Kalani and Brynn’s hometown…) you could already tell where the bulk of the drama would be coming from this week.

Kalani was excited to see her Mom after all this time (…Spoiler Alert:  Kira‘s back!…) while Brynn just started doing this a lot.

bPoor little nugget.  This whole Maddie Stand-In thing is going to give her a stroke.

Which Wich Sighting/Drinking Game Alert:  That yellow cup was back again.

wwLifetime is giving away coupons for FREE Which Wich sammies if you find all 27 times the logo cup showed up in this episode.  Let’s make it a game until the network sues me.

They Said It Would Never Happen Dept.:  You might wanna sit down again, because the Moms all just agreed on something.  I swear.  All of them.  Even Jill and Ashlee, who hate each other.  But not as much as Ashlee hates Kira.  And vice versa.

Every last one of the Moms agreed that the girls would be better off rehearsing at Debbie Allen’s studio if this was how Abby was gonna play it this week.  They were going to go where they were wanted.

So Jill called all the kids into a quick family meeting and told them they were packing up their gear (…subliminal steampunk foreshadowing…) and heading outta Dodge for the week.

JoJo was all for it.


Kendall looked like she was having a BrynnStroke even though she wasn’t really.

I’m not sure what that was all about.

 Mackenzie is still on the show, FYI.

mzAnd Nia was straight up Whatever.  #OverItThankYou.

overitSide note:  When did our little Sasha Nia get so big?  Look at her.  Boo all growed up, yo.

niaAnd then Brynn did this again.

b1Side note:  Naturally, Holly still had Debbie Allen in her speed dial, so just to be on the safe side I made sure my phone was fully charged.  Because, you know…“DE–“ is pretty close to “DA–“ and I didn’t want to miss Holly’s call if she #ButtDialed me by mistake.

Because I’m pretty sure I’m in her speed dial, too.


Or not, maybe.

Needless to say, the trip to Debbie Allen’s Dance Academy was beyond inspirational.

Miss D was all like ‘Halleloo’ and ‘Discover The Narrative’ and wearing this…

da (1)…and doing this…

da3…and going ‘YAAAAAAAAS!’ like I don’t know what.


i_B3_P20i2_SGu9_OSide note:  In all the excitement to get to Debbie Allen’s crib, I may have forgotten to mention all the nasty texts that Kira (…allegedly…) had been sending Ashlee (…who she hates…) because Ashlee (…who hates Kira…) had (…allegedly…) said nasty things about Kira and Kalani (…who nobody hates…) and that had now spiraled so far out of control that Lifetime will probably have to bail on the Which Wich freebies in order to payroll additional security when Kira comes off maternity leave.



Yeah.  What she said.

And then we came back from a commercial break and I swear they skipped an entire day of filming, because Maddie was already back.  And Kira was back.  And everyone was already in Arizona at Kira’s Adage Dance Studio.



Even Abby was in Arizona.  Because it’s a dry heat.

And because she wanted to pout and complain and get all up in e’rrybody’s grill without having to actually participate in any of the dance-related activities leading up to the competition.

She did , however, show up in the parking lot with a bag full of tasty lettuce wraps.  After getting her roots done, of course.  But before getting her eyelashes glued on.


You can’t make this show up.  You just can’t.
eat2Did you see her eating?  She kind of chews like a bunny.

MjdPanhSomething about her cheeks, I think.eatNobody could believe she flew all the way to Arizona to eat lettuce wraps.  Which must be pretty tasty if you’re gonna fly all the way to Arizona just to eat lettuce wraps, right?  I don’t even like putting my pants back on to go across the street for a slice of pepperoni.

So you go, Arizona.  You and your tasty lettuce wraps just go.

I’m not even going to address the part where Abby called Debbie Allen lazy.

Side note:  Jess’s faces are starting to give me Life.  What the what did she just say?


Q.  Anyone else notice all the stuff going on in Kira’s studio?  All the photos and writing and chalkboard artwork everywhere you looked?  Someone even drew a Cat-In-The-Hat hat on the blackboard for some reason.  Except it was purple.

kgYou could tell Holly was getting some baaaaad SchoolDaze flashbacks.

hAnd everything was labeled with hot pink paper from Staples.

Every.  Thing.

Even the water in a vending machine that was clearly designed for dispensing beverages made out of water was labeled ‘water.’

That’s just crazy.  Who does that?


Besides Batman, I mean.

Finally it was Showtime!

And time for Kira to show up a few minutes late because she was out back pumping gas at the Exxon station and the credit card machine wouldn’t accept her new card.

Because that’s totally what she was talking about, right?

Otherwise, she came into that backroom sharing way too much information for me that close to my bedtime.

Oh.  And Ashlee called out Kira for her 3 Baby Daddies and criminal record.

427I know, right?  El Morte.

Which doesn’t even make any sense but it’s the only Spanish I know.

Jill was like Pleeeez…


…but Ashlee was trying to be all like…

tumblr_nwb9htabMV1ujoffjo1_500..and then it was nothing but screaming and yelling about boob jobs and credit fraud and who hated who the most while Abby just sat there reading the Sheer Talent program book wondering what was taking the damn waiter so long to come over to her table.

menuQ.  Srsly.  Did she even know where she was this week?

Kira swore some more, called Ashlee pathetical (…which, BTW…turns out to be a real word after all…) and then went tearing out of her own studio before the show even started.

No wonder she’s always in the back pumping gas.

That’s a lot of miles on the car if you’re gonna keep driving back and forth between your house and your business every time somebody pushes your buttons.

It all makes sense now.

Side note:  Baby Jett got cuter this week.  What a niblet.  Go creep her Facebook.

And then…finally…it was really Showtime!

And Daycare time, apparently, because the first two rows of the auditorium were filled with kids holding Care Bears and not paying attention to anything that was going on around them.  You can get plenty of gas when you need it, but I guess babysitters are in short supply in AZ this time of year.

Kalani nailed her solo.  Nailed.

Brynn did great, too.  But she seemed a little…little…after seeing Kalani’s long legs.

Look at her with all those Little House On The Prairie braids going on.  Can’t you just see her screaming for Pa when the horses get loose?  I love Brynn.  So cute.


I think I forgot the part where Kira supplied all the steampunk costumes for the group routine since Abby had emotionally checked-out for the week.  My bad.

They looked great (…and the gear-centric stencil makeup was amazeballs…) but the girls were all wearing different styles of shorts, which Abby noticed when she finally took her head out of the Chéz Adage menu.


Luckily, she miraculously had a steampunk steamer trunk full of ziplock bags stuffed with matching booty shorts in the perfect burgundy accent color.  Really.  I swear.

A Bag O’ Shorts.  Outta nowhere.

Rewind the DVR.  If I’m lying, I’m dying.  And I thought I was the only one who liked to keep my booty shorts as water-tight as farmers market veggies.


Don’t ask.

Holly couldn’t believe that everyone was worrying about costumes 30 seconds before the music started when they could have been figuring it all out three days ago before Abby melted down.  Good job this week, Ms. Miller.  Good job..

Then there was some more screaming.

And another one of those chaotic Girl Talk commercials where JoJo told me how to pack a dance bag for a sleepover and sit in my splits while I’m watching TV.


As if.


That’s the face I make when someone tells me to sit in a split.  Ashlee just stole it.

The Awards:  Kalani took First Place.  But Brynn didn’t place.  And there was clearly a third Kendall solo sumthin sumthin that ended up on the editing room floor, because KK was running all around the stage wearing a sash and beauty pageant crown that was way too small to be her mother’s.

Full Disclosure:  Haters gonna hate, but I heart the Vertes family.  Check out Mama in this lil numbah.  You know she knows she looks gooooood.


And the ALDC group routine snatched First Place!  And they deserved it.

It was tough.  Sharp.  Aggressive.  With a funky grinding gear sound that made it extra steampunkish, which is just as much a word as pathetical, thank you very much.

tumblr_o2o3fiXlaP1tb8iyko1_500And then it was over.

Abby was just as vague about next week as she was last week about this week.  And made about as much sense as that sentence just did.

Maddie was back for good.  Which meant that Brynn was on probation now.  Which meant that Ashlee was on probation.  Which meant that next week was almost certainly guaranteed some more Mama Drama fo’ sho’.

Q.  Didn’t this show used to have Minis?  Wait a minute…

Never mind.  It’s late.

For now, it’s time for all us steampunks to go home.

See you next time.

Buh bye.


Dance Moms: Abby’s Back…And She Brought Tiny Reenforcements. It’s The Invasion Of The All-New ALDC Minis!

February 10th, 2016

jj (1)



The girls said you can flip the camera lens and just look at yourself all day. This is life changing.






Someone is literally gonna have to sit on me if that new lady says one more thing about Boo’s pigtails.






I’ve never actually watched the show before. Do I kiss her ring now or how does this all work?






Please forgive me. I promise to go home and watch all the Sia videos tonight. Just don’t hurt my family.






Trust me. You’re not even worth my hair, which cost a whole lot more than that Flintstones blouse.







It’s true. I swear to Gawd. Last week when she took the hot rollers out it was like this big. No lie.






Before you make any Orange Is The New Black jokes, keep in mind that I got four lawyers on speed dial, ‘kay?




It’s true.

What they say, I mean.

Big Things do come in Little Packages.

Especially when you’re talking Diamonds.  And Mama Drama.

Just ask the new ALDC Minis.  About the Mama Drama part, anyway.

For such tiny little nuggets, these (…Spoiler Alert…) 5 new little girls have certainly brought along enough baggage (…both emotional and over-sized Vera Bradley…) to the party in their first month at the ALDCLA.

Or at least their Mamas have.

The kids only seem to be in charge of Big Smiles and Big Bows so far.

Spoiler Alert #2:  Look at JoJo checking out the new little squirt who arrived this week, like the kid just showed up trying to start a hair bow turf war or something.

bbowBut that’s really jumping ahead in the story.

And now I’ve ruined the surprise when Mini Numero Cinco gets here.  My bad.

Back to the beginning.

As  we settled in for another Dance Moms episode, the Original Recipe Moms were arriving at the ALDCLA mothership, which I took to mean that everyone was going to be allowed back inside the building after last week’s lock-out.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  My MomCrush was hooched up (…before lunch, FYI…) in the same shiny black leather stiletto shoe booties that Nicole Scherzinger wore in one of the Pussycat Dolls music videos.  I forget which one, but I think it was the one where she got really sweaty and kept putting her leg up on one of those Barre Method ballet barres.

Nicole, I mean.  Even tho I can totally see Jill taking a class at Pure Barre just so she can say she takes classes at Pure Barre and then have a guilt-free Starbucks.

(I swear those two businesses are in cahoots to take people’s money, because they’re always on the same block and have the same hours of operation.)

Haters gonna hate, but I love Jill.  Almost enough to justify the restraining order she put out on me last season.  Almost.

And Abby Lee Miller was back.  Finally.  Kinda.  Sorta.

Oddly MIA for two weeks after resigning from her own Life, Abby had decided to return and was basically just phoning in her job for the first 10 minutes of the show as the Moms tried to figure out what her dealio was this week.  Holly even compared it to a military invasion, which was probably a lot closer to reality than she realized.

Side note:  If you’re pressed for time and need to go, this #HollyFace pretty much sums up the remainder of the episode:


Thanks for stopping by, tho.

And the Pyramid of Shame was back, too.  Super-sized.  Now with Minis!

Full disclosure:  It was basically the same Pyramid with a bunch of Mini head shots underneath, but the new kids seemed pretty excited to see themselves on a national television network.  So there’s that, I guess.

And, honestly, I don’t even remember much about the Pyramid except for the part when Abby revealed Nia and Kalani’s faces and decided that Black History Month was a good time to dissect their African Dance Duet.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Abby said that Kalani was “A little bit more African than Nia…”


…and that it made sense for Nia to do the dance because she was African American.


I was all like…
2015 - 1Holly was all like…tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500

And then Holly did this.  And this.  And this.  And this.

Feel free to add your own dialogue.   h h2 h1 h4Study note:  There will be a geography quiz at the end of the episode, so make sure you know where Africa, America and Pittsburgh are…and the difference between the three, you crazy whack job dance studio owner.

I love Holly too much when she’s laying down #HollyLaw.

This week, the gang was headed to another Devotion 2 Dance Competition.

The Minis would be performing a ‘Cavemen Under Cover’ group dance while the Big Girls would be ‘Better Off Now’ with Brynn playing the role of Maddie in their own group number.  Because Maddie was still off doing her movie.  Still.

Tiny Alysa (…with one ‘S’…) scored the only solo this week, which gave her Mom Mary yet another opportunity to let us all know that she had sacrificed soooo much to be here at the ALDCLA.  We get it.

You gave up a lot.  You left your family and kids behind.

Maybe you could tell that story to Evan Frazier who’s sitting at home right now looking for the damn can opener.  Or Erno Vertes, who thought groceries just magically appeared in the refrigerator every week.  Or Greg Gisoni, who’s already lost the garage remote three times and is taking AA batteries out of the smoke detectors instead of going to CVS.

I’m pretty sure everyone’s given up a little sumthin sumthin.  Just saying.


And then Jill and Ashlee went at it again.

Same argument.  Different outfits.  Don’t talk smack about my kid.  I’m not talking smack about your kid.  Yes, you are.  No, I’m not.

Jill was all like (…bleep…) you.

jfuAshlee was all like don’t tell me to (…bleep…) you, because I will.  So hard.


Oh, really?



You’ve got a fat a**.

Well, you’re old.


No lie.

It went on for like 20 minutes and Ashlee still couldn’t get the cap off her water bottle.  You see that?  And what is Melissa always eating?  Because it looks mighty tasty.

Once the dust settled, newbie Mini Kendall finally showed up.  Two hours late, thank you.

Clearly, she was tardy because they stopped to put her birth certificate into the Toddlers & Tiaras Name Generating Machine and watch it spit back out as Kendyl, just to mess up my spellcheck and prevent her from being confused with the other Kendall that was already on the payroll.

This show.  I swear.

Too bad her Mom, Lynn (…who managed to hold onto all her consonants in transit…) has never watched it, tho, because she came in through the side door going on and on about how she didn’t want her daughter in a negative, stressful environment and that they were just here to dance at the ALDC.

Ok.  You just keep telling yourself that, honey.

kidThat bow big enough, BTW?

These little Minis are so Ka-Yooot I can’t stand it.

With only 2 days to go, Holly and Jesslaynn took Ashlee out back behind the dumpster for what I initially thought was going to be a beatdown, but turned out to only be a pep talk about being a Team Player.

I guess we’ll see have to wait and see who gets survives and who gets voted off  the Dance Moms Island as the season progresses, right Jess?

jsSide note:  Lynn busted into the studio and interrupted Abby’s rehearsals at least 7 times before she was finally shut down and sent back to the other Moms in tears.  Honestly, even if you’ve never seen the show, I don’t know how many fingers you need to lose before you stop sticking your hand in the monkey cage, lady.

l1And then Melissa wanted in on some of this New Mom Fun.

Learn from Mama Corleone-Gisoni, people.  This is how ‘this’ works.

giphySide note:  Kerri called Melissa the ‘Godfather’ later in the episode when Lynn started making fun of Mackenzie’s pigtails, but I couldn’t wait any longer to use that clip.

Side note Numero Due:  I’m the only one allowed to make fun of the pigtails.



Side note Numero Tre:  Somebody had a yellow slurpee cup from Which Wich sandwich shops behind them on the viewing steps which caused quite an uproar on Twitter.

IMG_1250I’ve never been to one myself, but everyone was going on and on about how good the food was and now I want to use the residuals (…that Lifetime should have been paying me all these years for pimping out their show…) to open a franchise, even though it looks exactly like a Subway sandwich in a different piece of wax paper.

Power of: Social Media.


Finally, it was Showtime!

For this guy, anyway.

3872959826_2aed9b9de5_oSrsly.  Where was everybody?

Nobody was outside waiting for the bus to arrive.  No screaming kids with blinged-out iPhones.  No glitter paint poster paper signs.  Nuthin.

Nuthin inside, either.  It was freaky.  Nobody could figure it out.

Lynn was trying to dial down her NewMomSpaz as everyone got ready for the competition in the back room, but it wasn’t working very well.  You could tell it wasn’t going to last very long.  The Calm Before the Storm, as it were.

Alysa’s solo was all cute and stuff, but once you’ve seen Asia Monet Ray get all sassy pants all over a stage…well…Game Over.


And besides.  Abby doesn’t do cute.  At least not this week.

Back at the makeup tables after the routine, the whole thing somehow went form worse to worser when Lynn mimicked Mackenzie’s 26 years of pigtails and Glitz Pageant posing.

Like this.mzExcuse me?

mkzThat’s when Melissa threatened to chew Lynn’s face off and when Kerri called her the Dance Moms Godfather.kk

That’s also when Holly tried to intervene but then realized Lynn wasn’t worth the air required to put up a fight and decided to tune her right out for the remainder of the day.

You just keep talking to yourself, woman.

Once the Minis were all ratted up and put into their Pebbles and Bam Bam outfits, Abby noted that only NOW did they finally look like ALDC dancers.  bbam

Because you know how Abby does love herself a good mile-high.


The Minis finally hit the stage, swinging Cro-Magnon clubs around like I don’t know what until the newest of the new dropped hers on the ground and caused so much prehistoric drama that you would have thought the dinosaurs unthawed.

Brynn did a great job leading the ALDC group routine, giving face all the way to the empty cheap seats in the back.

Really.  Did they even have the date right?  Where is everyone?

When it was all over, both the Minis and the Junior Team (…and, from what I could tell, about 9 other dancers from who knows where…) laid around on the empty stage floor waiting for awards to be handed out.


Unfortunately, Alysa lost a couple more letters in her name as well as the First Place spot.

Second Place would have to do, even though we all know what Abby thinks of that title.

Both the Minis and the Big Girls took home First Place trophies and yet still managed to find something for their Moms to all complain about outside on the way to the cars.

Each other, basically.

Ashlee didn’t get it.  Lynn really didn’t get it.  Jill wanted to give it to Ashlee right between the eyes.  And Melissa knew people who could make it happen, but you didn’t hear it from her, of course.  Let’s keep that in the Dance Moms Family.

And then Abby peaced out…and flaked out…as soon as they were out of the building.

Maybe she’d be back.  Maybe not.  Maybe she’d get rid of all the Minis.  Maybe not.

Brynn could stay for now, tho.

At least we got that much out of Abby before she bolted in the rental.brNo big fight this time.  No real last minute drama.

The whole thing just fizzled out and ended pretty much the same way it started.

Right, Holly?


So, yeah.  I guess we’re done here.

See you next time.

Or not.

oitnb (1)

Bring It!: Toto…pleez. Dana And Arthur And That Hair? Oh, My! I Don’t Think We’re In Jackson Anymore, Miss D.

February 7th, 2016




If you want the truth, I didn’t even know it was Halloween. This is just my Saturday hair, yo. Hootie Boo!



tw1 (1)



MmmmmHmmmm. You know dat’s rite. I’m back and giving out Purple Nurples to all the haters.






Thank you, Lifetime, for finding a lady crazier than me. Now I can just be the Pretty One.






All I wanted was to find true love, get one of those damn roses and make Stand Battle Cuts.






Sucks to be you. Now just scoot along before a house falls on you and I steal those fabulous shoes.






Lawd, pleez…not that Tawantza again. If I could remember where I left my hair I would pull it all out.






I was pregnant for TWO years with my baby and that’s not even the craziest s*** on this show.





I mean…Hey, Boo!

Don’t be scared.  It’s just Halloween at the Dollhouse Dance Factory.

You heard me.  Bring It! was breaking it down and taking it all the way to SpookyTown this week at the Buck Up Or Fall Back Competition, which meant that we were all guaranteed enough tricks and treats to fill even the biggest Michael Kors candy bag.

Every weekend event is a big deal for Dianna Williams and her Dancing Dolls.  We know that by now.  But it’s an even bigger deal so when it’s a holiday spectacular and you’re going back up against your hometown rivals the Purple Diamonds.

The PDs.

Led by coach Shanika Lee and her aeropilates arms.  You see them biceps?

Dang, gurl.  You snapped back good after being pregnant for almost 2 1/2 seasons.

Shanika got it going on.  But that ain’t all.

In addition to capturing the Guinness world record for the longest gestation period evah and losing all her baby fat over the course of one weekend, Shanika had also somehow managed to steal two former Dancing Dolls away from the Dollhouse.

Dat’s rite.



…and ZaTia

za…were finally back on our TVs.  Yaaaaas!  We love them.

Where you been, gurlz?  Sup wid dat?

There are urban legends that go on for days about why Tamia really left the Dolls.

Everything from this to that and back again.  Kind of like Big Foot or the Loch Ness Monster…some things will forever remain a mystery to mankind.

ZaTia, on the other hand, is a whole different story.  We know what happened there.

Her Mama is straight up crazy.

bring-it-dancing-dolls-for-life-right-psychma-L-GGuZvyStraight up.  From the bottom up.  From the basement to the penthouse.

With no elevator stops in between.

But we love her.  Mad love.

For her…and for everything that comes with being Tawantza.

Unfortunately, Miss D didn’t feel the same last season when she sent Tawantza and her crazy headband packing after one last sidewalk blowout.  Lucky for us, tho, Tawantza landed right on the doorsteps of the Purple Diamonds.

And the world will never be the same again.

You just hold that thought for a few more commercials, ‘kay?

This week, the Dolls would be competing in both Stand Battle and a Halloween-themed Creative Dance category, which was going to be the most elaborate piece o’ work ever attempted by Dianna and her team.

Spoiler Alert:  Glow In The Dark.  Like TRON.

tumblr_lhf06gps4m1qcsioio1_500But first, it was time to rehearse some choreography while the Mamas all filed into the seasonally decorated IKEA Showroom/Viewing Lounge.  Shoutout to Party Warehouse for the spooky ambiance.  Check’s in the mail.

Gotta say.  It was quite festive back there.  All thanks to New Mama Dana, who popped up from behind the cobweb covered cushions all like…

tumblr_njfofsUS6N1tfrqxeo1_500…but actually more crazy like…

da1…which made everyone else get all like…mYup.  She’s crazy.

Between the two teams, the Dolls and Purple Diamonds have had a long history of highs and lows…and booty slaps…if you count that one time the PDs spanked all their dignity away after snatching First Place from the Dolls.  Remember that?  Who does that?

Granted, it was almost worth it just to see the face that then-Captain Kayla made as it was happening.  But, really…who does that?  Please don’t ever do that again.

While the Purple Diamonds were busy working on a sisterhood-themed Stand that would highlight how they happily took two Dolls away from Dianna, the Dancing Dolls were ironically also working on a performance that would let the world know that once you’re a Doll…you’re always a Doll.

Hold that thought, too, while you check out this SideEye.


The other major players in this week’s competition were the Columbus Jaguars and their thirsty coach Arthur Harris, Jr.

Yup.  They’re baaaaack.

Arthur was the one who left that note on the door of the Dollhouse last time, talking smack about how the Jaguars were gonna eat the Dolls for lunch and blah to the blah to the blah.

If You’re Keeping Score Department:  After posting the note, the Jaguars got eliminated so fast in the First Round that they never even got to the table for that meal.  So you already knew they were coming at the Dolls with a hearty appetite this time around.

Srsly.  Now they were hungry AND thirsty.

If you’ve never had the pleasure of meeting Arthur, lemme break it down for you.

Take this little boy on the left from last year’s school uniform mailer, but buzz his hair and make his shirt more of a J.Crew pink…


…layer him up in a comfy sweater…

anigif_enhanced-1308-1392266233-1-1…throw in some of Morticia Adams‘ floral arranging skills…

b36d0d9dea2a38d0acb60ea81f985285…and then finish it off with this chick…

tumblr_inline_mnzv38f96S1qz4rgp…and you basically just built yo’self an Arthur 2.0…

roseWho.  We.  Love.

And it gets even better.  Because in lieu of an actual severed horse’s head, dude totally FedEx’ed a box of black roses to the Dollhouse with a ‘See You At Your Own Funeral’ note, which wasn’t scary or insane at all.

It was, however, enough of an excuse for the DDPs to host a mock funeral out back in the IKEA Lounge and allow my girl Tina to air out her scalp for a few minutes when she popped her wig onto fake-Arthur’s dead body during the service.

t1 t2This show.  I swear.  A billion heart emojis.


The next day was when the party really got started, tho.  F’real.

A DDP Halloween party!

Seloncé and Dana showed up as a Naughty Devil and Crazy CatLady, respectively.

dsTina high-kicked in as one of those lederhosen boys who always lose their passports and then black out during Oktoberfest.

tinaNo lie.  She totally came into the room like this…

oktSide note:  They do this upside down thing at Oktoberfest for some reason and I was totally hoping the DDPs might give a try, but realistically…with all those weaves…I knew it would just be asking for trouble.

tumblr_inline_nr63mzHtya1tvhb9c_1280Mimi even showed up in some kind of 50/50 combination getup that was half Tawantza and half skeleton in a monk’s hoodie.  I didn’t ask.

I just know that I love that lady too much sometimes.

You think she sleeps in that glitter eye liner?  Because that can’t safe.

mimiFashion Alert:  Seloncé and this hair wrap/scarf thing.  Mama knows she looks good.

2As the competition grew closer, more Dolls were cut from the Stand Battle.  Which didn’t sit well with Dana because, you know…the whole ‘FaithFaithFaithFaithFaith’ thing that has been going on since Day One.

Dianna eventually decided to add a second tier of girls back into the routine, but not until Dana swooped into the office to plead her case for Faith when nobody was looking.

Whether Miss D’s choice to put more dancers back on the floor had anything to do with Dana’s visit or not will always be another one of those Urban Legends that we’ll probably never know the answer to, but nobody cared as long as their kids were back in the spotlight.  So thanks, Dana.  Maybe.  Or not.

da2 (1) Finally, it was Showtime!

And time for my boy Jay-Z Fever For The Flava to grab the emcee mic again.

jfLooking Fly as always, the only thing square about this dude is that hanky that’s always hanging out of his suit pocket.  Let Jay Fever show you how it’s done, boys.

After letting his trusty side-kick Antwon McClain take over the reigns last week, JF was back in a grey suit and back in bidnezz.

Side note:  I would kill to cruise around town with Jay and Twon while they’re jamming to mix tapes.  You just know they got the beat dropping all like…

batman_robin_noddingChattanooga’s Dynamic Duo.

Speaking of.  Here’s another photo of Dana from the Halloween party that I forgot to show you.  Look at her just laying there waiting for Mimi to bring her some more snacks.

4110517-6917709471-catwoAs Dianna and Arthur bumped into each other in the back hallway, because…you know…the Weekly Back Hallway Bump, the DDPs were all getting situated in the bleachers in their second Halloween costume change of the episode.

Srsly.  Lifetime TV must have the same costume budget Cher has for her Vegas gigs.

Sister Tina was all settled in…


…judging and praying for everyone like a Boss as the smoke machine kicked in and the Purple Diamonds hit the parquet with a Michael Jackson Thriller-looking routine.

Bonus Points:  Awarded to Kayla for some crazy white jumpsuit situation Mad Scientist/Back To The Future/Skeletor/Colonel Sanders from the KFC bucket costume.

I don’t really know what was going on, but the goggles put her over the top when it came to sheer number of votes received.

The Columbus Jaguars were up next with a tribute to superheroes who killed zombies.

Or at least that’s what Dianna and I got out of the routine.

Not really sure what that was all about, either.

And then the Dolls hit…and lit…up the floor.  Just like the movie.

79ffc17cfa6daa02f6784a71169534e5.jpgtumblr_o23qnpu3Sf1tb8iyko1_500giphyCan you even tell the difference?  I don’t think so.

E’rryone went boinkers.

Did I forget to mention that Tawantza showed up?

Because that was kind of a big deal.

At least to her.

She showed up a’ight.  And she was all like That’sRightBaby


…and I’mBackBaby

…and MmmHmmYouKnowThat’sRightBabyt5…and even got all closeup in the camera like…

twGah, I love that NutJob.

I don’t know if she cut her hair, misplaced her hair or if it was just stuck in some car door out in the parking lot, but all that hip hop music and purple eyeshadow up in my grill just reminded me of the time Barney and Dora dropped it like it was hot on the playground.

30b7ba43e5c599bbe6ef54337965d038-1.jpg BarneyC’mon.  That was hilarious.

And then I think I passed out.

When I came to, it was the Dancing Dolls vs. the Purple Diamonds in the final round of the Stand Battles.  I guess they must have beat out everyone in the first two rounds.  I should check the DVR, because I don’t think Arthur got his wish.

Dianna had a couple of bootleg PDs which she utilized in the Dolls’ routine, pulling DD4L logo tee shirts over their heads while they were dancing.

Because, you know…Once A Doll, etc.

The Purple Diamonds, on the other hand, weren’t so nice.

At all.

Apparently, not only do they like to talk trash…but they are also more than happy to actually trash yo’ s*** when you’re not looking.  Literally.

No lie.  They took the Dolls’ uniforms and stomped the yard with them all over the floor before letting some lady wearing Beats by Dre sweep them right under the bleachers.



Not cool.  Not cool at all.

And to make it worse, the PDs can’t even cash their winning check to pay the Dolls’ dry cleaning bill.  Because they lost.  In both categories.


The Dancing Dolls came in First Place in Creative and Stand Battle!


And then it was over.

Everyone was happy.  Really happy.

Best.  Halloween.  Ever.

Now I gotta go.  I’m hitching a ride with Dana.



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