Dance Moms: The ALDC’s About To Put Some Phunk In Dat Steampunk. It’s Debbie Allen To The Rescue Again!February 17th, 2016
If you two just stay cute and clean up all this crap, Mama will sit here and do your homework for you.
Srsly with this cup in my shot again? Why can’t they pay for a commercial like everyone else?
It’s been awhile since Accounting, but I think whatever you erase just kinda goes away…
Contour all you want, but you ain’t never getting my #HollyArms. They’re a work of art, Baby.
Whoa. I specifically asked for hot sauce in my bag. Beyoncé got hot sauce in her bag, swag. Gurrl…*
I’m going on four weeks with no sleep and a leaky pump. You sure you wanna do this right now?
I know that heifer didn’t just call me Lazy, cuz I will rip that car door right off the hinge.
*Before we even begin:
If you didn’t get that opening Beyoncé Super Bowl reference, it already means we’re gonna have trouble this week. Imma need y’all to stay up to date on your pop culture or we can’t be friends anymore.
Good. Now on to Dance Moms.
So you want Fame? Again?
Chile, pleez. Who doesn’t? But it’s still gonna cost you.
And right here is where you keep paying. Financially and emotionally this time.
So just have a seat.
And sit like this if you don’t mind…
Dat’s rite. It was Miss Allen to the rescue once again as Abby Lee Miller continued the long, slow process of losing all her mental marbles…one by one…thanks to all the shizz that you keep seeing on the TMZ app.
Melissa and my MomCrush Jill were the first to find Abby this week, hunkered down in that crazy backroom/bedroom/storage room situation, unexplainably surrounded by a bunch of school boys and clutter.
Take Your Neighbor’s Son To Work Day, I guess.
As Abby struggled with what was either the NYTimes crossword puzzle or a page ripped out of one of those Barnes & Noble Sudoku books (…it was hard to tell…) a bunch of random child laborers were busy organizing sequined tube tops and who knows what else into more of those plastic Target bins. Like when the Backstreet Boys used to have to do odd jobs to pay for their first demo cd. Except nothing like that, probably.
With her hair up in those invisible, make-believe hot rollers again, Abby was a mess.
With an “ongoing incident” involving $170, 000 that (…allegedly…) may or may not have vanished in the Bermuda Triangle, Abby clearly had more important things on her mind than setting up the latest Pyramid of Shame. Despite Melissa and Jill’s urging, she couldn’t be bothered this week. Sorry. Not gonna happen.
She did cry a dramatic single tear, which I have never been able to recreate even tho I attempt it every time something doesn’t go my way.
Wait for it.
There it is!
Just like in the soap operas.
It was like on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom when that guy used to stick his whole head into a gopher hole and only came back out with a bloody nose. Some times you just have to cut your losses before you lose any eye.
Side note: In a moment of hilarity, Jessalynn told Gianna that Abby looked exactly like Gia always does every morning at 7:10am. I’m just gonna leave that one right here and you can decide if it was meant as point of reference or an insult. Your call.
Abby’s cup totally matches all the crap in the back, BTW.
The ‘Well-Oiled Machine’ group number was going to be a steampunk-themed dance that would include Maddie if she ever decided to show up again. That movie was certainly taking long enough. I’m pretty sure the new Star Wars movie wrapped up faster.
Clever Segue Dept.: This is what R2-D2 would look like if he were steampunk-ed.
Side note: The movie 9 was a cute movie if you still need a kinda sorta family-friendly Netflix example of steampunk. Little kids won’t understand any of the end-of-the-world depressing stuff, but they’ll totally want a couple of these stuffed beanbags with eyes.
And the animation is insane. Look at these little guys.
Kalani and Brynn both scored solos. Since the gang was headed to Arizona for this week’s Sheer Talent Competition (…and Phoenix was Kalani and Brynn’s hometown…) you could already tell where the bulk of the drama would be coming from this week.
Kalani was excited to see her Mom after all this time (…Spoiler Alert: Kira‘s back!…) while Brynn just started doing this a lot.
Which Wich Sighting/Drinking Game Alert: That yellow cup was back again.
They Said It Would Never Happen Dept.: You might wanna sit down again, because the Moms all just agreed on something. I swear. All of them. Even Jill and Ashlee, who hate each other. But not as much as Ashlee hates Kira. And vice versa.
Every last one of the Moms agreed that the girls would be better off rehearsing at Debbie Allen’s studio if this was how Abby was gonna play it this week. They were going to go where they were wanted.
So Jill called all the kids into a quick family meeting and told them they were packing up their gear (…subliminal steampunk foreshadowing…) and heading outta Dodge for the week.
JoJo was all for it.
Kendall looked like she was having a BrynnStroke even though she wasn’t really.
Mackenzie is still on the show, FYI.
Side note: Naturally, Holly still had Debbie Allen in her speed dial, so just to be on the safe side I made sure my phone was fully charged. Because, you know…“DE–“ is pretty close to “DA–“ and I didn’t want to miss Holly’s call if she #ButtDialed me by mistake.
Because I’m pretty sure I’m in her speed dial, too.
Or not, maybe.
Needless to say, the trip to Debbie Allen’s Dance Academy was beyond inspirational.
Miss D was all like ‘Halleloo’ and ‘Discover The Narrative’ and wearing this…
Side note: In all the excitement to get to Debbie Allen’s crib, I may have forgotten to mention all the nasty texts that Kira (…allegedly…) had been sending Ashlee (…who she hates…) because Ashlee (…who hates Kira…) had (…allegedly…) said nasty things about Kira and Kalani (…who nobody hates…) and that had now spiraled so far out of control that Lifetime will probably have to bail on the Which Wich freebies in order to payroll additional security when Kira comes off maternity leave.
Yeah. What she said.
And then we came back from a commercial break and I swear they skipped an entire day of filming, because Maddie was already back. And Kira was back. And everyone was already in Arizona at Kira’s Adage Dance Studio.
Even Abby was in Arizona. Because it’s a dry heat.
And because she wanted to pout and complain and get all up in e’rrybody’s grill without having to actually participate in any of the dance-related activities leading up to the competition.
She did , however, show up in the parking lot with a bag full of tasty lettuce wraps. After getting her roots done, of course. But before getting her eyelashes glued on.
Something about her cheeks, I think.Nobody could believe she flew all the way to Arizona to eat lettuce wraps. Which must be pretty tasty if you’re gonna fly all the way to Arizona just to eat lettuce wraps, right? I don’t even like putting my pants back on to go across the street for a slice of pepperoni.
So you go, Arizona. You and your tasty lettuce wraps just go.
I’m not even going to address the part where Abby called Debbie Allen lazy.
Side note: Jess’s faces are starting to give me Life. What the what did she just say?
Q. Anyone else notice all the stuff going on in Kira’s studio? All the photos and writing and chalkboard artwork everywhere you looked? Someone even drew a Cat-In-The-Hat hat on the blackboard for some reason. Except it was purple.
Even the water in a vending machine that was clearly designed for dispensing beverages made out of water was labeled ‘water.’
That’s just crazy. Who does that?
Besides Batman, I mean.
Finally it was Showtime!
And time for Kira to show up a few minutes late because she was out back pumping gas at the Exxon station and the credit card machine wouldn’t accept her new card.
Because that’s totally what she was talking about, right?
Otherwise, she came into that backroom sharing way too much information for me that close to my bedtime.
Oh. And Ashlee called out Kira for her 3 Baby Daddies and criminal record.
Which doesn’t even make any sense but it’s the only Spanish I know.
Jill was like Pleeeez…
…but Ashlee was trying to be all like…
..and then it was nothing but screaming and yelling about boob jobs and credit fraud and who hated who the most while Abby just sat there reading the Sheer Talent program book wondering what was taking the damn waiter so long to come over to her table.
Kira swore some more, called Ashlee pathetical (…which, BTW…turns out to be a real word after all…) and then went tearing out of her own studio before the show even started.
No wonder she’s always in the back pumping gas.
That’s a lot of miles on the car if you’re gonna keep driving back and forth between your house and your business every time somebody pushes your buttons.
It all makes sense now.
Side note: Baby Jett got cuter this week. What a niblet. Go creep her Facebook.
And then…finally…it was really Showtime!
And Daycare time, apparently, because the first two rows of the auditorium were filled with kids holding Care Bears and not paying attention to anything that was going on around them. You can get plenty of gas when you need it, but I guess babysitters are in short supply in AZ this time of year.
Kalani nailed her solo. Nailed. It.
Brynn did great, too. But she seemed a little…little…after seeing Kalani’s long legs.
Look at her with all those Little House On The Prairie braids going on. Can’t you just see her screaming for Pa when the horses get loose? I love Brynn. So cute.
I think I forgot the part where Kira supplied all the steampunk costumes for the group routine since Abby had emotionally checked-out for the week. My bad.
They looked great (…and the gear-centric stencil makeup was amazeballs…) but the girls were all wearing different styles of shorts, which Abby noticed when she finally took her head out of the Chéz Adage menu.
Luckily, she miraculously had a steampunk steamer trunk full of ziplock bags stuffed with matching booty shorts in the perfect burgundy accent color. Really. I swear.
A Bag O’ Shorts. Outta nowhere.
Rewind the DVR. If I’m lying, I’m dying. And I thought I was the only one who liked to keep my booty shorts as water-tight as farmers market veggies.
Holly couldn’t believe that everyone was worrying about costumes 30 seconds before the music started when they could have been figuring it all out three days ago before Abby melted down. Good job this week, Ms. Miller. Good job..
Then there was some more screaming.
And another one of those chaotic Girl Talk commercials where JoJo told me how to pack a dance bag for a sleepover and sit in my splits while I’m watching TV.
That’s the face I make when someone tells me to sit in a split. Ashlee just stole it.
The Awards: Kalani took First Place. But Brynn didn’t place. And there was clearly a third Kendall solo sumthin sumthin that ended up on the editing room floor, because KK was running all around the stage wearing a sash and beauty pageant crown that was way too small to be her mother’s.
Full Disclosure: Haters gonna hate, but I heart the Vertes family. Check out Mama in this lil numbah. You know she knows she looks gooooood.
And the ALDC group routine snatched First Place! And they deserved it.
It was tough. Sharp. Aggressive. With a funky grinding gear sound that made it extra steampunkish, which is just as much a word as pathetical, thank you very much.
Abby was just as vague about next week as she was last week about this week. And made about as much sense as that sentence just did.
Maddie was back for good. Which meant that Brynn was on probation now. Which meant that Ashlee was on probation. Which meant that next week was almost certainly guaranteed some more Mama Drama fo’ sho’.
Q. Didn’t this show used to have Minis? Wait a minute…
Never mind. It’s late.
For now, it’s time for all us steampunks to go home.
See you next time.