Dance Moms Reunion Part Two: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh All Get Served By Sassy Kaya One Mo’ Time. Oh No She Din’t Just Go There Again.

September 26th, 2012

 

 

You’re all just bitter, toxic a** woman that don’t even deserve to see my backside tattoo, mmmkay?

 

 

 

 

Oh. My. Gawd. I can’t even stop looking at the front ones and now there’s a back one? I love dat bitch.

 

 

 

 

Not now, girl. Bite your tongue. I swear, you mention that doctorate in front of her again and I will slap you myself on national television.

 

 

 

And for the last time…it’s not Barbie. It’s Skipper, Barbie’s prettier and much younger sister.

 

 

 

 

 

I think the biggest piece of jerky I ever brought home was about this long.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh. Hell. Yeah. I gotta get my shizzle on up to Canton.

 

 

 

Move over NeNe Leakes and let Kaya show you how it’s done.

It was Round Two for the Dance Moms Reunion Show this week, and like any good Real Housewives knock-off, everybody knows the good stuff always comes in the second half.

My new favorite Andy Cohen stand-in, Jeff Collins, was still front and center clutching his bootleg Bravo TV flashcards, completely surrounded by the full Mom Platoon.

Seated together in what was either somebody’s living room or the front of a suburban Home Goods store (…Seriously.  Pause your DVR and count all the accessories…) everyone was getting used to the format and getting ready to unleash some serious Reunion Part Two ‘tude.

You knew it was going to get good because they were already playing Survivor music before the introductions.  Survivor music always means something is about to go down.

Or that somebody is just about to eat something gross.

And since I’m pretty sure no one on Lifetime would eat bug larvae, it was a safe bet that Kaya was probably out back scratching on the inside of a locked Green Room door.

Jeff started right in on Chaos Cathy Nesbitt and the infamous Mom Dance.  Just as terrifying and definitely more ill-fitting than Mom Jeans, the Mom Dance will forever go down in Reality TV history.

For whatever reason, somebody had thought it would be a good idea to shove Melissa, Kelly and Christi out on stage as backup dancers for Cathy’s impromptu, spotlight hogging, loosely choreographed dancing seizure, but neglected to actually teach them how to dance prior to the curtain being raised.  The result was three Moms standing around like they were waiting for their carpool while Cathy showed everyone in the audience what Peter Pan might look like on Broadway if a tech guy forgot to strap on the flying harness before showtime.  It was Spaztastic.

To paraphrase the Dark Lord…This is your Destiny, young Vivi-Anne.

It was like one of those 25 Years of Dance” things on youtube, but with the kind of sparkly, oddly age inappropriate Mom outfits that you always see drunk women wearing in Ramada lounges.

Cathy supported her decision to steamroll over the other Moms due to their lack of rhythm and inner ear balance, while Abby chastised her for not making it a full blown Carol Burnett sketch.

When Abby actually went so far as to suggest that Cathy should have turned them all into floor mopping maids, Holly had the first of her many WhatchooTalkinBoutWillis faces.  Dr. Holly don’t do Maids, thank you.

Holly’s seemingly endless facial expressions were my drinking game of choice during this episode.  Love her.

After visually confirming that he was a safe distance from Cathy in case she rabidly lunged for a neck vein, Jeff actually had the kahunas to ask her if she felt that Abby and the ALDC were better than the Candy Apples dancers.  Oh oh, SpaghettiOs.

I’ve got to assume that there were either people stationed off-camera with stun guns or the dude’s got some major kahunas, because I think I would have skipped that card and moved on to the next question.

But he went there, causing Cathy to squirm around for a few seconds as though she was sitting on some of that world famous Jerky King product, before finally admitting that Abby’s girls had Star Quality.  If Abby had not been weighed down by 75 pounds of silver costume jewelry and 40+ years of bad life choices, you know she would have totally done the Pee Wee Dance right there on that Home Goods table.

Quickly wanting to shift the focus back to how great everything is in Candy Apples Land, Cathy lit into Jill for being a studio hopper and an all around crazy bitch.

After pointing out Jill’s penchant for disguising blatant bribery with Hallmark gift tags and big colorful bows, Cathy even managed to sneak in a slam at Jill’s new, and still not quite under control Barbie coiffure, which kind of offended Kelly, because she likes being the one with crazy hair.

Moving on, Jeff wanted to get to the root of the whole Abby vs. Kelly conflict.  Why do they fight so much?  Given their history (…Kelly started with Abby at 2 1/2 years old…) wassup wid all dis tension?  Inquiring minds want to know.

Ok.  Let’s just break this thing down.

You know how when you try to picture someone when they were much younger, like all the way back in junior high school or earlier, but all you have to really reference them is nowadays?  So you just picture them as they are now, but wearing Brady Bunch clothes instead?

Yeah.  I did that.  And it wasn’t pretty.

When Kelly claimed that back in ancient history Abby had liked a boy who liked Kelly instead…well…whoa.  Flashback music, please.

I pictured the cafetorium dances, the fights by the lockers and young Kelly holding hands with some football jock every time they passed a giant Baby Abby in the hallway before Study Hall.

Baby Abby.  Baby Huey.  Whatevs.  Just stick a headband on it and you know what I’m talking about.  I totally made up the last 40 years of Dance Moms history and it was brilliant.  Someday I may even share it with all of you.

Abby denied the love triangle and blamed it all on Kelly’s parents not pushing her to be anything more than mediocre, which appeared to have been passed down through the genetic DNA chain into Kelly’s bloodstream, resulting in her own children just coasting through life.

Then it was 5 minutes of seeing how many ways they could both use the words “Encouragement” and “Click” in a sentence before Jeff lost interest.

Brooke may or may not want to dance anymore.  Paige is ok with being just ok.  Or is she?  Or does she?  And what’s with Paige’s hair?  Don’t make me keep asking.  And why does Kelly feel that being just ok is ok enough?

Jeff didn’t really solve anything, but it gave Abby and Kelly plenty of time to scream and bitch and talk over each other while Holly made some delightful faces.  (Watch out Christi…The Doctor is moving in on your turf.)

Abby made sure to sneak in a few drinking in the parking lot jabs at Kelly’s expense, while Kelly compared Abby’s world to the Mob where you can’t ever seem to get out and stay out.

And then in this Ring, we have Melissa vs. Christi.

Turned out that they also have a history.  But the Melissa/Christi backstory is apparently sealed in a government file somewhere with strict stipulations that they never discuss it in public.

Gah.  That drives me boinkers.

How much did you hate that kid in school who said he had a secret, but couldn’t tell you.

Seriously.  Then why freakin’ bring it up?  Just to make me insane?

They both confirmed that their animosity stemmed from years and years ago, and that they had both “done things” to each other.  What does that even mean?

I swear Mr. Collins, if there is not a Dance Moms prequel by next fall I’m sending Kaya after your scent.  Look at how successful the Wolverine X-Men movie was in theaters.

And speaking of Kaya picking up your scent…

Black Patsy was in the hizzle.

The poor man’s NeNe stormed the set decked out in Sassy Mall animal print, complete with that black rose from Claire’s still in her hair and a coordinating F*** you up attitude.

I need to rewind to verify, but I’m pretty certain Kaya started in on everyone before her junk even hit the guest chair.

With a slowly sinking Cathy looking like a hostage trapped between Holly and Kaya, the whole Women of Color thing started up again and it was Classic Housewives.  It was like I sat on my remote and it just kept flipping from Bravo to VH1 to Animal Planet over and over and over again until I figured out what was happening.

Kaya called out everyone as Haters.  She had heard all the whispers.  The whole baby at 16 gossip.  The lesbian gossip.  You’re a bitch.  And you’re a bitch.  You’re all bitches!

Bitter, toxic a** bitches!

It was Oprah from the ‘hood.

And where exactly IS this ‘hood that everyone keeps screaming about?  Everyone is always swearing they’re from the ‘hood, or taking you to the ‘hood to mess you up, or going to the ‘hood and never being heard from again.  Where is it?  I put it in my GPS and it didn’t take me anywhere.  This might require some more research.

Roadtrip anyone?  I’ll buy the snacks.

With a little trickle of sweat running down the back of his sportcoat, Jeff explained that he would never dream of calling Kaya “Black Patsy” even though she seemed to be down wid it.

“Crazy A** Lady with the Boob Tattoo” maybe, but never “Black Patsy”.  That ain’t right.

Kaya proudly stated she would throw down anywhere, anytime if the situation required some fist to face action, which caused Jeff to scoot his chair back a little bit and Abby to spin her Ninja Star ring around a few times.  Christi was singled out amongst all the Moms as being the most fake by Kaya, and then their whole You’re a Bitch OhHellNo You’re a Bitch confrontation was replayed about 10 times.

Or maybe they were all different scenes.  It was hard to tell.  Kaya was poppin’ off in all of them and I didn’t have a pen to keep track.  Girlfriend will cut you.  That much I figured out on my own.

She tried again to rally Holly to the Cause, which forced Holly to once again explain the difference between a Get Out Of Jail card and a Pass and…well…you knew where this one was going.  Kaya felt betrayed by her Sister Holly and the whole Women of Color thing.  Again.

Jill jumped onto the pig pile and didn’t quite know how to respond when Kaya complimented her on having a nice bedonkadonk.  For a white girl, anyway.

It got weird.

When Jill claimed that they were not even sure if lesbianism was legit (…in Kaya’s case, not as a Lifestyle.  Duh.  No hate mail, please.  Read before you React…) Kaya pointed out that her lover’s name or face or something was tattooed back there somewhere if anyone was interested in solving the mystery.

Thanks, but I’ll take one of Holly’s passes right about now.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love me some Kaya.  Crazier the better.  But seeing her get all head bobbly in a room full of Dance Moms almost felt like she had walked into the wrong studio.  Where my girls at?

Before Kaya headed off stage to to decompress and slap a few camera guys, Jeff allowed her to go around the room one by one, picking off Moms like she was skeet shooting at a street fair.

She thought Cathy was a blast, and that Kelly was White Patsy.  Yeah.  She said that.

Between Kaya telling Holly to embrace her ethnicity and getting all up in Christi’s face again, I think Jeff may have regretted giving her that one last opportunity to let loose.  It was definitely good for ratings, but not so much for anyone who had to walk alone through the parking lot after taping was over.

Don’t axe me why he did that.  Really.  Don’t axe.

(And don’t get me started on that linguistic pet peeve.  Trust me.  You do NOT want my opinion on that one.)

We finished off with some low key, warm & fuzzy family time.

All the kids joined the Moms in a tight squeeze couch moment to relive the last two seasons and let us in on what their goals were for the future.  Even googly Vivi-Anne was there, though she basically just sat around wondering why no one had picked her up and carried her off set yet.

I swear that kid must sleep in sparkly eye liner.

All the girls got giggly stage fright when Fake Andy spun the cameras and the questions in their direction.  It was cute, and a reminder that they really are just kids who like to dance.

Maddie got all red faced when boys were brought up, and MackAttack almost swallowed her gum she was so shy.

Diva Nia had some monster Lion King hair going on that almost covered up Holly’s face, and I swear Chloe grew another inch during the last scene.  Check it out in slow mo.

Brooke and Paige are still in limbo for next year (…as if…) until Kelly decides their fate.

Kendall had a really smart answer to Jeff’s question regarding who she would love to dance with…dead or alive.  Michael Jackson.  Good call.  Mom was impressed.

Vivi-Anne…well…just Vivi-Anne.  It is what it is.

And then it was over.

No more Dance Moms for now.  And Dance Moms: Miami isn’t coming back.

I’m not sure I’m going to make it until the Pageant Moms return, because it hasn’t even been 12 hours and I’m already having Crazy Mom withdrawal.

I need my cray cray.

Don’t axe me why.  I just do.

Honey Boo Boo Style: Redneck Line Dancing Gets The Korean Mash-Up. Put On Your Boogie Shoes Cuz It’s Honey Boo Boo vs. Gangnam Style!

September 23rd, 2012

It’s kind of like your favorite Korean restaurant just started serving Roadkill.

Delightfully unexpected, yet tasty. Chewy meat with a boogie beat.

Considering that internet sensation Park Jae-sangPSY to all us hipsters…only released his viral dance tune “Gangnam Style” in July of this year, it’s pretty darn amazing that he is already a world-wide sensation.

The “Most Liked” video in the history of youtube with over 257 million hits as of today, you can barely flip a channel without grinding into PSY doing that dirty pony riding cowboy lasso looking thang.

Saturday Night Live. Ellen. The Today Show.

Seems like everybody’s doing it Gangnam Style.  The same industry people who sniffed out Justin Bieber on youtube have even picked up PSY’s scent, and just the thought of the Biebs somehow musically meeting up with his Korean counterpart nearly caused an internet meltdown when it was first announced.

How could it possibly get any better than this, you ask?

Add some Go-Go Juice.  Cuz that s*** makes everything better.

Just ask Alana.

Honey Boo Boo Child is going Gangnam in the ultimate Korean Redneck ReMix.  It’s like someone took everything inside my head and made a music video.  All my latest obsessions brilliantly mixed together until they’re as smooth as butter and ketchup.

It’s like Korean Sketti.  That you can dance to.

Oppa Gangnam Style.

Y’all.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo: Y’All Better Blow Your Nose And Dab Your Cards, Because Bingo Ain’t Nuthin To Sneeze About. Ah-Choo Boo Boo!

September 20th, 2012

 

 

I either need me some new glasses from the Piggly Wiggly, or that’s Mario Lopez playing Bingo behind me. Stay cool, June Bug.

 

 

 

 

Seriously. I don’t know what’s in these markers, but it is some goooood s***. I could sniff this bad boy all day.

 

 

 

 

I got me my lucky watermelon and some Orange Fanta. Daddy’s bringing home some cash tonight, bitches.

 

 

 

 

No, really. It even tastes like Glitter and Cherry Jell-O. This shizzle is off the hook. Gimme some more cards and keep ’em comin’, boys. Boo Boo likes.

 

 

 

 

This is my ‘Bingo Face.’ It’s also my ‘What’s That Smell Face’ and my ‘I Don’t Even Remember Eating That Face.’

 

 

 

 

Forget the RNC. Looks like even Wednesday Bingo Night takes a hit when Honey Boo Boo Child is on TV.

 

 

 

There is definitely something in the air in Georgia.

I don’t know if it’s pollen, Amtrak exhaust or smoke from that BBQ Shack with all the pig memorabilia.

But whatever it is, it’s making everyone sneeze.  And eat.

A lot.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was back for another Redneckulous episode and as a TLC public service announcement, it would have been nice if the whole thing had come with some sort of Kleenex disclaimer during the opening credits.

By now, we already know that sitting through an entire episode pretty much requires a pack of Wet-Naps and a fresh flip top of floss at the finish line.  That’s no news flash.

Even the sneezes aren’t really anything new.

But this week we were treated to the kind of industrial-sized honks and woogies that would make any Coupon Queen proud, as whatever it is that’s floating in that thick Georgia air claimed a few more victims.

With only a week or so left before Alana‘s big pageant, it was time to get serious.  In preparation for the competition, Mama June had already bought a new BeDazzled cupcake dress and hooked Honey Boo Boo Child up with that crazy lady with the matching crazy a** striped hair from Deevas Dance Studio.  So now it was on to a makeup tutorial.

Always the budgeting penny pincher, June knew that between the new dress, that crazy a** hair lady and pageant entry fees that this was going to cost a good chunk of change to get Alana on the stage.  So saving some dinero wherever she could was key.

And since most pageant organizations now frown on bartering for their services with a Ford truck cab full of Brawny paper towels, it was clear that June was going to have to learn how to do Alana’s makeup on her own.  Cutting out a hired hair and makeup person could not only save upwards of $400, but it would also free up some elbow room in those congested hotel suites as everyone goes into panic mode four minutes before their age group is called.

Did I just say upwards of $400?  To do a 7 year old’s makeup?

Shut.  Up.  Seriously.  If I wasn’t worried about getting pegged as a perv or having to explain where I go every weekend and why I have so many little Ramada soaps, I would totally be downtown right now banging on the front door of CVS until the overnight cleaning crew let me inside to bag some Revlon and Aqua Net.  $400?  Sign me up.

Sparkle, baby.  And get that lipstick off your flipper.  My bad.

So it was off to the Style Salon for the Boo Boo girls and Mama, where Jennifer Garner was going to show them how to get Alana all Beautimous.

I know, right?  Jennifer Garner!  Do you think Ben Affleck‘s baby might be there in the chair next to Boo Boo?  I’m so excited.

Psych.  Wrong Jennifer Garner.

I guess the first clue should have been the outside of the building, that looked like either a holding cell where they stick you when the cops are stuck in traffic, or one of those after-hour clubs with no door knobs.

Second clue should have probably been the printed label wrapped around whatever meds you’re on that would ever make you think Jennifer Garner was going to be the one doing Honey Boo Boo Child’s makeup.

Like that’s ever gonna happen.

The Fake JG got right down to business on Alana’s face as June watched with that same kind of intensity you would have when your first pick up truck is getting detailed.  JG split Boo Boo’s face down the center and made her Super Modelicious on the left side and then handed the reigns to June.

Remember the episode of H. R. Puffnstuff when they kept screaming “MakeUP!!!” and then slamming a pillow case full of powder into Witchypoo‘s face over and over?

Yeah.  It was like that.  But worse.

(And hey…I heard that.  Maybe I’m not old enough to remember the show.  Maybe I just watched it on youtube for the first time this week, mmmkay?  Don’t be hatin’, bitches.)

By the time June finished tagging Alana’s right side with what appeared to be either gangstah symbols or an homage to that guy in KISS who has the star on one eyeball, it was a hot mess.  Guess she better start bankrolling another $400 and hit me up on my Sidekick.

Since it was clear that a hair and makeup person was now in their future, June and Sugar Bear took all the Boo Boos down to the VFW Hall for Wednesday Bingo Night, in an attempt at scoring the $1000 prize.

If we learned anything from the entire Republican National Convention caving in under the sheer weight of Redneck Power this month, it’s that nobody wants to do anything on a Wednesday night except watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.  Not even hardcore BingoHeads.

The place was empty, which should have given them pretty good odds at bringing home some bacon considering that all the Boo Boos combined made up roughly half of the building’s audience that night.

Alana didn’t really understand the whole concept and was initially happy to just disrupt everyone else’s focus and stamp out smiley faces on her napkin.  The rest of the Boo Boo girls basically ate snacks and dabbed the markers on their own noses while they chewed.  Shugie either slept or was really focused on his cards.  I’m not sure what was going on there.

Turns out that all the coupon fine printing has finally taken its toll on June’s eyes, which explained why she went full scale Mole Man every time a Bingo ball popped up out of that Bingo ball shoot thing.  Squinting like you do when your car first turns a corner during the evening rush and you get that full on setting sun burning into your corneas so badly that you’re afraid you’ll end up in one of those tragic Reader’s Digest stories about survival, June  could barely see the cards in front of her.

Guess that explains the whole makeup fiasco, too.

June called it her Bingo Face.  Whatchoo talkin’ about, Willis?

Controversy erupted at the close of the evening as Alana accused some lonely woman in the back of the hall of cheating.  Not that Alana really knew the rules.  But she lost.  And in the mind of a 7 year old child…and maybe mine as well…it always means someone else cheated.  Because losing sucks big ones.

As June explained to us how upset and disappointed Alana was at going home with nothing but Magic Marker finger, Mama was overcome with yet another one of her monster sneezing attacks, which I’m still contemplating using as my new ring tone.  I’ve never been too fascinated by the whole sneezing process until the Reality TV Gods gave me Honey Boo Boo, but now it’s like I’m nasally born again or something.

I’m pretty sure my television actually wobbled a little as June honked one out, it was so good.  Trust me…it was strong enough to send Dorothy to Oz and back before dinner.

Ah-Choo!

After a quick nose wipe it was off to The Chic Boutique to meet up with Miss Georgia 2011, who was going to make a valiant attempt at teaching Alana some Klass.

Strutting up the sidewalk in total Baywatch slow motion, complete with a sassy Pam Anderson hair toss, Michaela Lackey had no clue what she was walking into once she finally made it up to Alana and Mama.

Obviously Michaela had not been able to contact Barbara Hickey, the Etiquette Coach who had previously tried to teach some table manners to the Boo Boos and see what she was up against with this family, or she would have been on the other side of the Georgia state line by now.  That lack of communication was most likely due to the fact that they probably have fairly limited visiting hours at whatever Insane Asylum Miss Manners was admitted to after Pumpkin tooted out a few good ones at the dining room table.

Hulu that episode.  Classic Gassic.

But Michaela gets an “A” for effort.

Hoping to give Alana tips on reaching her goals and maybe not talking with her mouth full, it was an exercise in futility.  The three of them poked around the boutique just long enough for Alana to run through a few wind chimes and try to knock a chandelier down with her face, and for Miss Georgia to perfect her fake smile.  She was dying on the inside, I tell you.  Dying.

Then it was off for some dessert, where Alana demonstrated how the Boo Boos like to take one gigantic piece of whatever happens to land on their plate and then slowly shove it down their throats like a wood chipper.  If it dangles out a few inches, so be it.

Alana then finished off the meal, and more than likely Miss Georgia’s television career, with a little gas and a face covered in at least three of the six major Food Groups.

Gah.  How much do I love this family?

With that job interview smile still pasted on her face, Michaela suggested that Alana may have some refining to do before she puts on a Miss America crown, and then slowly walked back off into the sunset with vaseline on her teeth and desperation in her eyes.

Thanks for playing.  We have some lovely parting gifts.

And speaking of gifts….it was time for Alana’s Birthday Party!

Honey Boo Boo Child was officially turning 7 and it was time to celebrate.  And nothing says Happy Birthday like raiding a Coupon Queen’s plastic shelving unit and regifting some hot sauce and liquid soap.

Yup.  Them other Boo Boo girls are some cheap a** bitches.

Pumpkin, Chubbs and Chickadee swiped some goods from Mama June’s Costco room and quickly wrapped them up with one sheet of gift wrap and four rolls of scotch tape.  Maybe five.

Having a Mother who hoards office supplies as well as toothpaste certainly has its benefits when it comes to last minute gifts.  And you don’t have to fight all that Black Friday traffic down at the Galleria when you can just go from the bathroom to the dining room and get all your shopping done while you’re still in your underwear.

Mama and Shugie had set up a Slip n’ Slide and a Sno-Cone booth in the front yard to create the ultimate birthday park, and Alana took a total spaz.  She loved every minute of it and spent the entire day buzzing between the slide and the pool and the pool and the slide.

Even June tried to climb the inflated steps on the slide, but that didn’t exactly go as planned.  Something about the rope being on the wrong side.  And maybe the fact that she’s substantially big and proud with a Forklift toe.  And water slides are basically gigantic balloons filled with non-supportive oxygen.  You can do the physics math on that one.

But it’s the thought that counts.  And Alana loved her hot sauce and her family…and that’s all that mattered.

It was the best birthday party ever.

Capped off with the best sneeze ever.  If you’re into gross, slimy sneezes that is.

Chilling out in her lawn chair, Alana finished off the show with a sneeze that pretty much blew out the portion of her brain responsible for long division.  Girl…it was nasty.

Who knew?  She must have picked up some manners from Miss Georgia after all, because Alana clamped her hands over her face to hide the evidence and then just sat there in horror wondering why nobody behind the camera could hand her a Kleenex.

That made two of us.  Nobody could help?  There’s an entire room in that freakin’ house with nothing but paper goods and nobody could run inside?

Not one person came to her rescue.

Ten minutes later, she was still sitting there.

I didn’t check, but it could have been another twenty before she finally…slooooowly…stood up and slipped past the cameras like cartoon characters do when they turn to rubber and just slide off the chair in search of the elusive tissue.

Next time is…Ah-Choo!…Pageant Time.

Big honk if you love Boo Boo.


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