Dance Moms: It’s The Final Pittsburgh Showdown Part Two. You Might Wanna Hold On To Your Hats…And iPhones.

May 6th, 2015

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You do really well and Mama will get you a phone just like Jill’s for your birthday. You’ll see.

 

 

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Just so we’re all clear.  Mess with my kid, my hair or my Apple products…I mess YOU up, ‘kay?

 

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Honey, is that your Mama over there talking to a chair? I thought we weren’t gonna do that again.

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#SitInYourOwnChair

 

 

 

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Do I smell cake?

 

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No lie. That one lady snatched that other lady’s iPhone and she went completely P-Town on her a**.

 

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Tell me this chick is not taking a damn selfie in the middle of my big scene? Can we start over?

 

 

 

So long, Pittsburgh.

It was fun while it lasted, but Hollywood is calling.

After months and months…and months…of threats and promises, Abby Lee Miller and her Dance Moms are finally ready to unleash the ALDC LA on an unsuspecting West Coast.  It’s been a long time coming and now it was finally about to happen.

But not until they get one last Pittsburgh competition under their belt.

Needless to say, Ms. Miller wanted to leave Pittsburgh a winner, which meant that at this week’s Starbound National Talent Competition the dancing needed to be turnt up, the bad attitudes turned around and (…spoiler alert…) the Find My Phone apps turned on.

Trust me on that last one.  Just turn ’em on now.

Right out of the gate, it was already Showtime!

But as the team entered the venue this week, it was a little anti-climactic.h

True, the usual mob of screeching tweeny boppers posting to Instagram in real-time were all there, screaming and uploading smiley face emojis like it was their day job, but with only two ALDC dancers making up the entire entourage it felt a little more like a bunch of Moms dropping their kids off at the Mall for a few hours.

Dat’s rite.  Count ’em.  Two ALDC dancers.

Nia and JoJo were the only girls to arrive with the Moms.  All the other ALDC team members were still MIA at the JUMP Dance Convention across town, doing whatever it was they were signed up to do at the event.  It wasn’t very clear if they were taking classes, teaching classes, competing or just there for free loot at the trade show.  But regardless, whatever it was they were doing was making them late, because they should have been at Starbound by now and that didn’t happen.

Side note:  Depending on which search engine you use, if you type in “JUMP” without the “Dance Convention” part you can end up with directions to one of those places that rent inflatable bouncy castles for birthday parties, buy the Pointer Sisters Greatest Hits album on eBay or sign yourself up for parachute lessons.  Which in itself is hilarious if you start imagining the Moms shoving each other out of moving airplanes, because I really thought it might come down to that this week.

Jump For My Love.  Google it, kids.  It’s a classic.

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All the other Moms were in the Starbound hizzle, but none of their daughters.  Just Sasha Nia, who was still wearing her new Hashtag: StarInYourOwnLife hair and JoJo, who was continuing her gradual transition from Honey Bow Bow Child to just plain JoJo.

Question:  Is JoJo’s head getting bigger or are her hair accessories getting smaller?  I swear, sometimes she even throws caution to the wind and goes without anything attached to her head at all.  And honestly, I’m not sure I even want to live in a world without a Bow Bow JoJo.  What if those big things are the source of all her nonsensical wackiness and she starts being just a normal kid now?  Bor.  Ing.

Along with the screaming masses, the Candy Apples brigade was also on hand to welcome the ALDC to the glass ceiling-ed, generically titled Cultural Center.  Let’s just say that natural sunlight is not always a friend to overly processed hair and keep the story moving right along.

Somehow, Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her MomSquad managed to immediately get into the middle of the ALDC in-fighting as Holly and Jessalynn tried to figure out why so many of their own ALDC kids were missing.  Everyone was talking over everybody else and pointing and accusing each other of keeping secrets and not sharing texts and blah to the blah about why Abby double booked everyone at two different events and why Cathy carries that damn megaphone with her everywhere she goes.

No lie.  She had that bullhorn again.  Attention, shoppers.

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Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Biker Bar black leather jacket with Joan Collins meets Joan Crawford meets Tom Brady Superbowl shoulder pads.  And it was fringed.  The long kind of fringe that made the 1960s so groovy and got everyone arrested at Woodstock.

 And her Bump-It was bumped up to the Gawdz, hunty.  It was a Defining Moment.

Cathy finally took off up this ridiculously long staircase to who knows where.  Then Holly followed, calling Jill something bad on her way up to the penthouse.  And then Jessalynn, who had remarkably sparkly shoes for an early daytime event, called Jill a Bitch before she ran out of breath half way up the stairs.

Srsly.  Does this show ever film at a location with elevators?

Backstage in the makeup room, Holly and Jill continued their heated exchange.  Fringe and mouths were flapping everywhere but nobody was really getting anywhere.  No one could explain how the rest of the girls ended up at JUMP (…which was already 2.75 hours behind schedule…) while JoJo and Nia were sitting all alone in their track suits waiting for whoknowswhat to happen.  Nia’s hair looked fierce, tho.

Speaking of.  Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Hair Watch:  She tried out another bouncy beachy wavy thing that I liked better than last week’s Priscilla Presley helmet, but it didn’t really even matter because we found out that she left her kids a note by their dance bags.  mel

And a banana.

And then took off before they even woke up.

Wait.  What?

One.  What does that even mean?  And how early do you have to get up in the morning that you can leave your kids two bananas and be out the door before they even wake up?

Two.  Is that their entire breakfast?  One banana each?  Really?  The most important meal of the day?  No wonder Mackenzie falls down so much.  You call it gymnastic acro.  I call it light headedness and low blood sugar.  At least we know they’re getting enough potassium to prevent charlie horses in the middle of the night.

Three.  What did the note say?  If that’s all they’re eating for the day, I don’t think anyone needs to remind them to shovel it down.  Inquiring minds just need to know, that’s all.

Four.  If any of you need to leave now, this Candy Apple Mom’s face pretty much summed up the rest of the episode.  I don’t know who she is, but I love her because she thinks white people are crazy.

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Five.  That was a joke.  I know Melissa feeds her kids.  I love her almost as much as she (…used to…) love me.  And I think white people are crazy, too.  Because I’m one of them.

So relax.

But the show must go on, right?  With only minutes to go, Abby tossed Nia and JoJo a bone and gave them Kalani and Kendall’s solo spots on the schedule.  Nia was going to recycle a routine that she already knew, while JoJo was gonna wing it with an improv.

No pressure there.  But that’s how it might go down in the Real World.  Or so Abby said.

And then Jill and Holly went another round or ten.

Jill didn’t understand why Holly couldn’t just be happy that Nia got a solo.  Holly was happy that Nia got a solo, but also quickly figured out that the only other available soloist in the room was a piece of furniture and somehow Hashtag: EmptyChair started trending across America.  Sometime the internet scares me.

Holly did this a lot…

h1 (1)And quite a bit of this, which I found enjoyable…

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500…which, going forward, is exactly how I plan to respond to all negative website feedback, so you can probably save yourself some aggravation and don’t even bother.  Mmmkay?

For the last time.  I know Melissa feeds her kids.  Gah.

Side note:  “NOTICE: This room is being monitored for your safety.”  Did you see that posted sign on the wall?  The one at the very top of this recap?  They showed it a lot, but it was clearly just for the Legal Department because Cathy & Crew kept running in and out of the ALDC makeup room like they owned the place.  And that is clearly a bigger safety issue than any broken ladder or running with scissors.  It was a mess.

I also can’t believe they still make that kind of pencil sharpener.  The one that was screwed into the wall.  Who even uses pencils anymore?  Don’t kids just use the stylus that comes with their iPads?  And when did I get so old?

I mean, like…

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500(Clearly, this HollyGif is going to come in handy for almost unlimited scenarios.)

Just think.  Pretty soon, if I keep using it over and over and over you’ll all be like…

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Ok.  I’m done now.

Finally, it was the showtime part of Showtime!

Nia nailed her solo.  Girrrrl, pleez.  That new music video experience gave her so much more hair and confidence that I wish I hadn’t already used my HollyGif three times.

Because, you know.  Nia.

Props to my MomCrush who came through and admitted that no matter what differences she and Holly and the other Moms may have, they will always support Nia and the girls.  And that made me smile, because kids always come first.  Remember that.

Ava was up next with her ‘Hurtful Words’ solo.  Mom Jeanette had gotten her own hair under control just in time for the show (…is it curly and she straightens it or is it straight and she frizzes it?…) and proudly watched her daughter’s legs grow even longer as the routine progressed.  I don’t know what you call that push-up thing she did with one leg on the ground and other leg up on her shoulder, but it was redoink.  Ava can dance.

Period.  End of story.

JoJo finished up the solo portion of the program by just running around the stage and randomly doing stuff.  Improv is her thang and she got it done.

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She even did this almost to the ground split whatchamacallit, hanging out two inches from the floor for at least ten minutes before finally dropping it like it’s hot.  Let’s just say I can’t even walk this morning and I only watched it on TV.

Ouch.

Backstage, Cathy & Crew disregarded the OSHA signage again and stampeded the ALDC makeup room to toss iParty stars into the air in celebration of Nia’s solo and music video.  I felt bad for JoJo, who just kinda stood there.  She is a star, too.  And I’m sure (…spoiler alert…) she’ll have a song or something before you know it.

I Can Make You Dance.  Just saying.

And how about when Cathy dissed MackZ’s Girl Party video?  That woke up Mama Bear.

Luckily, the group routines kicked in before Melissa and Cathy started rolling around on a floor covered in glitter stars.  Which would probably bring in a substantial amount of additional revenue if Lifetime ever wanted to get a slice of the the Pay-Per-View pie.

Think about it, guys.  You can even steal my idea as long as I get ringside seats.

Candy Apples was up first with their salute to Vivi-Anne‘s new status as an American Citizen.  You go, girl.

You go and get some ice cream when this is over, because you did awesome.

vivNow you know I love me some droopy loopy little Vivi-Anne, but I swore if she just ran across that stage waving a flag and then exited Stage Right, I was never going to watch this show again.  You have no idea.

Thankfully, she actually danced a little once she climbed up to the top of that homemade 2×4 (…you couldn’t have painted it?…) Olympic Medal Stand and kind of looked like the Mini-Me version of some international singer whose name escapes me right now.

Not JLo.  But somebody else.

I heart Vivi-Anne. I bet her citizenship papers even say ‘WTF’ somewhere on them.

Jeanette’s Fenton, MI-based Broadway Dance Academy (…I still don’t know why that cracks me up…) was next with their hip hop D-Town’ jam.

Something about little girls doing hip hop always reminds me of the good ol’ Toddlers & Tiaras days, not that that’s a bad thing.  And it’s nice to know that not every hip hop girl has to suds up the hood of a Mustang in booty shorts while she’s getting spanked.

But it still felt a little like American Girl Dolls Gone Wild, which sounds way creepier when I say it out loud.  They wrecked it, tho.  And it wasn’t lyrical.  So there’s that, too.

Bonus Points for the girl who was all like “YeahICanSeeYouAin’tReadyYet.”

Side note:  We did get to see the top of Rachelle Rak‘s head, tho.  And her nose.  She was a judge, so it was a good day in the D-Town ‘hood, yo.hj

Sas.

Freakin’ finally, the rest of the ALDC girls showed up.

And then it went from panic to PANIC.

Nobody was in makeup.  Nobody was in costume.  Some of them showed up with blue lipstick on.  Some didn’t.  Some still had Burger King on their face.  It was MamaMadness as everyone ran in circles looking for bronzer and face goop and anything with glitter on it so the girls didn’t get pushed out on stage wearing logo sweatpants.

Side note:  How about when Melissa screamed “Mackenzie needs ABS?!!!!”

Don’t we all, honey.  It’s been a looong winter.

Side note Numero Dos:  If all she ate today was a banana, I’m thinking her abs are already showing up just fine.  Probably her ribs, too.  So stop you’re worrying and put some clothes on your kids before they announce Final Call.

Which they did.

Right under the wire, the ALDC made it onto stage.

And killed their No Sign Of Life dance.  Killed it dead.  And won First Place.

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For the rest of the scores, you’re going to have to hit up a chat room or something, because our focus right now needs to be in the hallway backstage.

Where.  It.  All.  Went.  D-Town.

Side note:  You know when the entire camera crew (…except for that one guy who was too scared to come out and kept peeping through the crack of the back door…) is in the hallway, it’s gonna be a good one.

Add in cream cheese frosting and a long day….?  You just wait.

After getting hopped up on celebratory Hollywood Here We Come Cake, Abby and the Moms all ran smack into Cathy & Crew in the hallway.  Jeanette asked Abby what she thought of Ava’s performance and it all went downhill from there.

Somehow the discussion turned into some Vivi-Anne bashing, which got Cathy right up in Abby’s face, snapping her Joan Rivers Readers dangerously close to the same nose that Kelly Hyland touched right before she ended up on TMZ.

Jill thought it was hilarious and might possibly be something that should be recorded on her cellphone for posting at a later date of her choosing.

Until Cathy snatched her phone out of her hands, that is.

I mean…SNATCHED.  Like…snatched.

Say it with me:  Jill lost her nutty.  Lost.  It.

GIVE

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ME

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MY PHONE!

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Lawd have mercy.

The Mom who has the daughter with ears almost as big as mine had to jump right in between the two of them before they made contact.  And then Holly came up as a second line of defense, shouting “NO NO NO”  with her Louis bag in the crook of her arm like she was criticizing Cathy for carrying the wrong bag with the wrong outfit or something.

Something about the way she said it sounded so Fashion Police.

We love Holly.

I never seen so many camera people and and production people and innocent bystanders trying to purchase Starbound merchandise going totally spaz in one place before.  The guy who used to star in The Commish and The Shield even came out of nowhere to try and pull them apart.  He has a goatee now, BTW.

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It was CrazyPants.  Dot com.

One of the Candy Apple Moms was so busy youtubing the whole circus that she almost got konked by one of those fuzzy microphones on a stick that always fall into the shot during a rumble.  Pay attention, lady.

Finally, somebody threw raw meat in two different directions and the ladies separated long enough for The Commish to rip a few fringes off Jill’s jacket.  Even the guy who was too scared to come out had to come out it was such a scene.

And then it was over.

The whole season, actually.  Or at least the first half.  You know how Lifetime do.

So catch your breath.  For a few days, anyway.

Next week it’s The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Reunion.

The Dress Up Episode.

Holly…should I wear my fancy stuff?

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DanCool Video: Star In Your Own Life, Beyoncé. More Nia Sioux, Todrick Hall And ALDC Than You Can Handle.

May 3rd, 2015

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You know I love a good mash-up.

Especially if it comes with a beat you can dance to.

But toss in body glitter and Single Lady fingers?   And the secret Dance Moms/Toddlerz Connection?  And maybe even your name spelled out in lightbulbs?

Yes, please.  Bonus points immediately given.  No questions asked.

Which would explain this random assortment of videos…some hot off the press and some from the ALDC vault…that make me smile.  And you need to watch them.

Or rewatch them, if that’s how you do.

Like my girl Nia Sioux, who is hash tagging her Star In Your Own Life message to the masses right now, courtesy of the exceptionally fabulous Mikey Minden and some of that diva fierceness she got from her Mama.  Don’t try this at home, kids.

Or youtube king Todrick Hall, who had me at Beauty And The Beat back in 2012.

His latest jam, 4 Beyoncé From Todrick, won me over before I even hit the play button.

You have no idea how difficult it is to find good quality colored crew neck tee shirts that don’t stretch out after you pull them over your head.  (Trust me…the struggle is real.)  And in four different deeply saturated colors that don’t fade?  Take me shopping, dude.

Todrick’s latest video compresses something redoinkulous like 5 albums and 70 Beyoncé songs (…which is pretty much every Beyoncé song in the history of Beyoncé songs…) into a four minute jam that I can’t stop watching.  But more importantly, the video shows that when you strip the guy of his mouse ear hat and floppy cartoon gloves and just focus on what he’s doing…he’s straight up genius.

 

And speaking of mouse ear hat and cartoon gloves.

Don’t forget Freaks Like Me when Maddie, Mackenzie, Payton and Kendall joined Nia at the Abby Lee Miller School of Dance and Disney Acid Trips for a library dance-off.

They even said “Yolo.”  So there’s that.

Full disclosure:  I don’t remember much about this video after my MomCrush Jill danced, but I’m sure the rest of it was good.

And one last flashback to when it all started for the ALDC gang.

The official Lux music video for It’s Like Summer with Chloe, Brooke and Paige.

It makes me miss Chloe.  And feel very old.

Look at how little they are…

So do enjoy this musical interlude.

And stay tuned for Kendall’s upcoming military video Wear Em Out.

Abby says it’s gonna be yummy.

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Bring It!: Miami And Divas And Dolls, Oh My! And Don’t Forget The Purple Diamonds…Cuz It’s The Battle Royale!

May 2nd, 2015

 

 

Gurrrrl, Imma gon’ need your glasses cuz I swear that’s the lady who just had four babies.

 

 

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Double Ds. Get it?

 

 

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I buzz the fade and y’all complaining about my boobs and shoes now? Srsly? Point yo’ toes.

 

 

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Santa must’ve got your letter…cuz Booty Pop Barbie ’bout to come out the damn box, Bitch.

 

 

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Guess I can check “Dance Mom doing a somersault into a Nicki Minaj Split” off my Bucket List now.

 

 

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Dang, that is some fine British meat on that boy. And you know how Mama does love her BBQ.

 

 

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This damn dress looked hella more comfortable in the X-Men movie. How much more time?

 

 

 

With apologies to Lorde, of course.

“And we wanna win Royale (Royale)

It don’t run without Stand,

That Second Place just ain’t for us.

We crave a different kind of Buck.”

All aboard the Bring It! National A** Kicking Tour Bus for one last trip.

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It’s time to pat your weaves and pack your caps, kidz.  And don’t forget your Big Girl Drawers…you’re definitely gonna need those once the party starts.

Because it’s The Battle Royale.  And it’s on.

You heard me.  The season-ending mutha of all Hip Hop Majorette competitions just went down and Dianna Williams and her team were working and twerking their A-Game as they got ready to face off against their biggest rivals one last time.

The Divas of Olive Branch.  The Purple Diamonds.  And the YCDT Supastarz.

All the Dancing Dolls‘ most infamous arch enemies were back and conspiring against Miss D and her faithful sidekicks in one final battle of Good (Dancing) vs. Bad (Dancing.)

Like on the old Batman tv show when colorful villains would sit around in their colorful costumes in colorful clubhouses and plot revenge against our heroes.

A lot like that, actually.

There was even a master of disguise trying to trick us with a completely new hairstyle and one feline arch nemesis wearing a painted-on latex body suit eleven days after giving birth.  But no Utility Belt Shark Repellant anywhere.  Which was unfortunate since at least one coach could have used a squirt or two right in the eye for throwing shade every time she opened her mouth.  Because she IS the Diva, you know.

Na na na na na na na na Neva!

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With only a few days to go before the Battle Royale (… ‘BR’  from here on out because I’m already getting lazy…) Dianna and her team got right down to bidnezz as soon as the credits rolled.  This competition was Big.  Really Big.

So big that Dianna even momentarily deactivated the DDP Electric fence that normally prevents any of the Mamas from making it inside the building during routine practices.

You heard me.  Do not adjust your set, because there’s nothing wrong with the picture.

There were actual Mamas inside the Dollhouse Dance Factory.  Inside.

Like…not outside.

And they were invited?  That’s just crazy.

Dianna wanted the Mamas to hear all the deets on the upcoming competition firsthand before frostbite set in, so she broke her own rule and let the Mamas have some heat.

I say it all the time.  I’ll never understand how Jackson weather can go from summer to winter and then back again in the same episode.  But it always does.

And the other thing I say every week:  How much do we love these Mamas?

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Mimi was bundled up like a cold squishy little marshmallow.  Hooty Hooty Hoo It’s Cold Out Der.  My girl Tina was rocking some kind of beanie/scarf/turban thing that I swear one of the more obscure smaller international teams wore during the Opening Ceremonies at last year’s Sochi Winter Olympics.  Seloncé appeared to have just returned from a ski vacation in Aspen with Cher.  Rittany must have been working again, since she was MIA.

And Tawantza had way too much of a smoky eye going on for that early in the evening.

Love.

After covering the basics, Miss D revealed the two biggest takeaways for the week:

One.  There were going to be celebrity judges at the BR.  Famous people!

Spoiler Alert:  It wasn’t a Destiny’s Child reunion.  But still…celebrities.

And Two.  Some lucky Dancing Doll was going to be awarded a full 4 year scholarship to DeSales University, complete with room and board, at an upcoming scholarship audition.

A free ride to the dance degree of their dreams?  Yes, please.

Which was huge.  A full scholarship could not only change the entire path of somebody’s life, but also free up enough of Camryn‘s savings account to allow her the opportunity to buy Mama an inhaler, since Mimi just ’bout got the vapors when she heard the news.

Since this was the Ultimate Competition, it called for the Ultimate Secret Weapon(s).

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Plural.

Say it with me:  Mimi and Tina were going to be dancing in the Stand Battle.

Mimi.  And Tina.  Dancing.  Lawd, now what’d I do with my inhaler?

Just thinking about it was almost too much for me, because I still haven’t completely recovered from this yet.

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Or this.

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And definitely not this.  Not even close on this one.

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Needless to say, I got myself a little worked up.

And a little aggravated that this show is STILL only one hour long.  What’s it gonna take, people?

As everyone tried to process the awesomeness that was now guaranteed to soon come our way, there was just enough time to scoot out of town and check in on the competition.

Down in Miami, Traci Young-Byron and her YCDT Supastarz were still smack talking the Dolls every chance they got.  Traci had weed-whacked her signature pencil eraser fade and was now rocking some asymmetrically challenged side shaved weave that always looked like it was on crooked.

(Relax…that was a joke.  I know that’s how it’s supposed to fit, but every once in awhile it still looked like the tag was in the front.)

But it was sassy.  And I really liked the color.  And it totally complimented her sparkly, sequined camo track suit.  Which, when you think about it, pretty much defeated the whole purpose of dressing in camo.

I have no doubt that Traci could gut a deer in record time, but I’m thinking she probably doesn’t actually do much hunting.

Side note:  I loooove the fact that Traci has her face embroidered on every jacket.  And the fact that at least one person is still not going to realize I’m kidding about her sideways hair and send me hate mail anyway.  I’ll be patiently awaiting your beat down.  Just use spellcheck, please.

Don’t get me wrong.  I really like Traci, even though the thirst is still real.  Girlfriend definitely likes her camera time, but last week when she swallowed her pride (…and the rest of her gummy worms…) and gave the Dolls props in their battle against the Purple Diamonds, she started to grow on me.

And speaking of things growing.  How about that tiny tube top she was wearing?

Put those things away before someone gets hurt, honey.  There’s kids in the car.

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Next up was a quick drive-by past the Purple Diamonds studio, where Coach Shanika Lee was showing off her post-baby body again.  For someone who went almost two full years before finally giving birth, this lady was looking just fine.  And I’m sure it was nice to deliver a baby that was already potty trained.  Congratulations, again.

And finally, we took it to church.  The Church of Neva the Diva.

Oh, Neva.  You crazy.

I swear.  That woman.  Half the time I don’t know if she’s preaching or bringing in aircraft.  Arms going.  Hair going.  Feet going.  Booty kinda sorta going.

Spoiler Alert:  When Neva and the Divas entered the venue for the BR, they came in so loud and proud, clanking things together and yelling in unison that I thought it was somebody’s birthday at a Mexican restaurant.  Am I right?

Bonus Points were immediately given to whoever that little minion guy is who always follows Neva around.  He was really into it this week.  Really.

Especially during the birthday party part.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Well, actually, the DeSales University Scholarship Auditions were next, where Camryn, Crystianna, Kayla and Sunjai cranked it out on stage for John and Tim from DU in a Glee meets American Idol Hollywood Week kind of thing.

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One.  The Mamas (…and Baby Daddy JJ, who didn’t get nearly enough screen time, mmmkay?…) give THE best pre-game pep talks.  I love the MamaLove and DaddyLove portions of each episode.  They’re the meat and potatoes of the Bring It! Meal.

Two.  Crystianna and Kayla both scored $20,000 scholarships.  Everyone freaked.

Three.  Camryn and Sunjai both scored FULL 4 year scholarships and Mimi cried like a baby.  And maybe I did a little when nobody was looking.  Or maybe it was just allergies.

Yeah.  It was probably allergies.

#SuckItAPAC

Finally, it was really Showtime!

Shanika showed up wearing an animal print blazer from the Wilma Flintstone/Jersey Shore couture line and not much else.  Again…buh bye, baby fat.

Traci had a bleeped-out motivational moment with her girls on the bus before heading into the auditorium.  Sometimes when I watch Traci I swear I’m watching a Saturday Night Live skit.  Or I should be anyway, because she’s a made-for-tv hoot who could totally bring ratings up and give the network censor guy some serious job security.

Neva and the Divas did that Mexican Birthday thing I told you about earlier.  Please tell me you saw the crowd at the bottom of the stairs looking all like WTF? as the Olive Branch waitresses headed upstairs with the cake.

Oh, Neva.  You still crazy.

pd

Side note:  If I had known that there was only one emcee in the entire hip hop majorette network, I probably would have sent Lifetime my LinkedIn url, because that same dude was back again hosting the Battle Royale.

He’s like the Ryan Seacrest of the Central Time Zone or something.

He introduced the three celebrity judges and the crowd went spaz.

Jay Sean, the British singer/rapper who looks like somebody from one of the cooking shows where you win your own restaurant but I forget which one.  Kat DeLuna, who you know must go completely bulls*** every time people confuse her with Shakira.  And Gilbert Salvidar, who had me at ‘Janet Jackson.’

Side note:  Please tell me you saw Kat strike that end-of-the-runway hand on hip pose when she finished her little interview snippet.  You know she does it all the time.  Thank you for calling the law offices of Boom, Boom and Pow.  Hilarious.

The first match was the Dolls vs. the Purple Diamonds.  And their coaches, yo.

Dat’s rite.  Shanika hit the stage in a shrink-wrapped body suit and stilettos and dropped it on the floor waaaaay faster and harder than she did that baby.  I really thought Tawantza was gonna have to be escorted out of the building when she saw what a skinny bitch Shanika was now.

Not to be outdone, Miss D followed up with that one leg in the air thing they always do on Dance Moms and then sealed the deal with a Death Drop that guaranteed the Dolls would be moving on to the second round.

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Side note:  I think I forgot to mention that Dianna’s shoes were bigger than her pink dress.

Hubba Hubba, Miss D.

The second match was Neva’s Divas vs. YCDT.  The Olive Branch girls lost and Traci had on some crazy yellow shoes that nobody else in the western hemisphere could pull off but Traci.  Haters gonna hate, but she is FIERCE.  All in caps.  And probably sparkly like her hunting ensemble.

Unfortunately for the Diva’s, even Neva’s Halle Berry meets Tina Turner leather Thunderdome dress with the chain link feather epaulet thingamabobs didn’t have enough mutant superpower to beat the enemy down.

Which meant that it all came down to the Dolls vs. YCDT.

And a couple of Mamas-In-A-Box.

Full disclosure:  I may have blacked out for a second when Mimi and Tina burst through the front of two giant American Girl boxes it was so good.

That’s how you make an entrance, haters.

Tina was spinning me ’round ’round like a record, baby.  Just like the old days.

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Mimi was backin’ dat thang up like she just overshot a highway exit ramp or something.

mdAnd by the time Tina did a somersault into a MamaSplit, I was all like…game over.

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That’s it.

Stick a fork in it.  I’m done.

I swear.  If Tina doesn’t do that same split when we take Mimi out clubbing, I am gonna lose my nutty right there on the dance floor.  I already made a box for me, too, BTW.

It didn’t even matter that the Dolls ended up losing to YCDT.  Not a bit.

Because every team gave their best and that’s what really matters at the end of the day.  And every competition has to have at least a hint of a lesson or it’s not even worth packing the bus.  Because that’s how Dianna do.

And then the show was over.  And so was the season.

Which meant that Kayla and Sunjai would be graduating soon and moving on.  Leaving the Dolls behind.  And leaving the rest of us in denial.

No more Bring It! and no more Kayla or Sunjai?

I can’t.

We’re gonna have to discuss this later, tho.  Now’s not a good time.

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Hopefully I’ll pull it together by July, when Bring It! returns.

See you then.

DD4L!

jjj


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