Dance Moms: It’s The Final Pittsburgh Showdown Part Two. You Might Wanna Hold On To Your Hats…And iPhones.May 6th, 2015
You do really well and Mama will get you a phone just like Jill’s for your birthday. You’ll see.
Just so we’re all clear. Mess with my kid, my hair or my Apple products…I mess YOU up, ‘kay?
Honey, is that your Mama over there talking to a chair? I thought we weren’t gonna do that again.
Do I smell cake?
No lie. That one lady snatched that other lady’s iPhone and she went completely P-Town on her a**.
Tell me this chick is not taking a damn selfie in the middle of my big scene? Can we start over?
So long, Pittsburgh.
It was fun while it lasted, but Hollywood is calling.
After months and months…and months…of threats and promises, Abby Lee Miller and her Dance Moms are finally ready to unleash the ALDC LA on an unsuspecting West Coast. It’s been a long time coming and now it was finally about to happen.
But not until they get one last Pittsburgh competition under their belt.
Needless to say, Ms. Miller wanted to leave Pittsburgh a winner, which meant that at this week’s Starbound National Talent Competition the dancing needed to be turnt up, the bad attitudes turned around and (…spoiler alert…) the Find My Phone apps turned on.
Trust me on that last one. Just turn ’em on now.
Right out of the gate, it was already Showtime!
But as the team entered the venue this week, it was a little anti-climactic.
True, the usual mob of screeching tweeny boppers posting to Instagram in real-time were all there, screaming and uploading smiley face emojis like it was their day job, but with only two ALDC dancers making up the entire entourage it felt a little more like a bunch of Moms dropping their kids off at the Mall for a few hours.
Dat’s rite. Count ’em. Two ALDC dancers.
Nia and JoJo were the only girls to arrive with the Moms. All the other ALDC team members were still MIA at the JUMP Dance Convention across town, doing whatever it was they were signed up to do at the event. It wasn’t very clear if they were taking classes, teaching classes, competing or just there for free loot at the trade show. But regardless, whatever it was they were doing was making them late, because they should have been at Starbound by now and that didn’t happen.
Side note: Depending on which search engine you use, if you type in “JUMP” without the “Dance Convention” part you can end up with directions to one of those places that rent inflatable bouncy castles for birthday parties, buy the Pointer Sisters Greatest Hits album on eBay or sign yourself up for parachute lessons. Which in itself is hilarious if you start imagining the Moms shoving each other out of moving airplanes, because I really thought it might come down to that this week.
Jump For My Love. Google it, kids. It’s a classic.
All the other Moms were in the Starbound hizzle, but none of their daughters. Just Sasha Nia, who was still wearing her new Hashtag: StarInYourOwnLife hair and JoJo, who was continuing her gradual transition from Honey Bow Bow Child to just plain JoJo.
Question: Is JoJo’s head getting bigger or are her hair accessories getting smaller? I swear, sometimes she even throws caution to the wind and goes without anything attached to her head at all. And honestly, I’m not sure I even want to live in a world without a Bow Bow JoJo. What if those big things are the source of all her nonsensical wackiness and she starts being just a normal kid now? Bor. Ing.
Along with the screaming masses, the Candy Apples brigade was also on hand to welcome the ALDC to the glass ceiling-ed, generically titled Cultural Center. Let’s just say that natural sunlight is not always a friend to overly processed hair and keep the story moving right along.
Somehow, Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her MomSquad managed to immediately get into the middle of the ALDC in-fighting as Holly and Jessalynn tried to figure out why so many of their own ALDC kids were missing. Everyone was talking over everybody else and pointing and accusing each other of keeping secrets and not sharing texts and blah to the blah about why Abby double booked everyone at two different events and why Cathy carries that damn megaphone with her everywhere she goes.
No lie. She had that bullhorn again. Attention, shoppers.
Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: Biker Bar black leather jacket with Joan Collins meets Joan Crawford meets Tom Brady Superbowl shoulder pads. And it was fringed. The long kind of fringe that made the 1960s so groovy and got everyone arrested at Woodstock.
And her Bump-It was bumped up to the Gawdz, hunty. It was a Defining Moment.
Cathy finally took off up this ridiculously long staircase to who knows where. Then Holly followed, calling Jill something bad on her way up to the penthouse. And then Jessalynn, who had remarkably sparkly shoes for an early daytime event, called Jill a Bitch before she ran out of breath half way up the stairs.
Srsly. Does this show ever film at a location with elevators?
Backstage in the makeup room, Holly and Jill continued their heated exchange. Fringe and mouths were flapping everywhere but nobody was really getting anywhere. No one could explain how the rest of the girls ended up at JUMP (…which was already 2.75 hours behind schedule…) while JoJo and Nia were sitting all alone in their track suits waiting for whoknowswhat to happen. Nia’s hair looked fierce, tho.
Speaking of. Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Hair Watch: She tried out another bouncy beachy wavy thing that I liked better than last week’s Priscilla Presley helmet, but it didn’t really even matter because we found out that she left her kids a note by their dance bags.
And a banana.
And then took off before they even woke up.
One. What does that even mean? And how early do you have to get up in the morning that you can leave your kids two bananas and be out the door before they even wake up?
Two. Is that their entire breakfast? One banana each? Really? The most important meal of the day? No wonder Mackenzie falls down so much. You call it gymnastic acro. I call it light headedness and low blood sugar. At least we know they’re getting enough potassium to prevent charlie horses in the middle of the night.
Three. What did the note say? If that’s all they’re eating for the day, I don’t think anyone needs to remind them to shovel it down. Inquiring minds just need to know, that’s all.
Four. If any of you need to leave now, this Candy Apple Mom’s face pretty much summed up the rest of the episode. I don’t know who she is, but I love her because she thinks white people are crazy.
Five. That was a joke. I know Melissa feeds her kids. I love her almost as much as she (…used to…) love me. And I think white people are crazy, too. Because I’m one of them.
But the show must go on, right? With only minutes to go, Abby tossed Nia and JoJo a bone and gave them Kalani and Kendall’s solo spots on the schedule. Nia was going to recycle a routine that she already knew, while JoJo was gonna wing it with an improv.
No pressure there. But that’s how it might go down in the Real World. Or so Abby said.
And then Jill and Holly went another round or ten.
Jill didn’t understand why Holly couldn’t just be happy that Nia got a solo. Holly was happy that Nia got a solo, but also quickly figured out that the only other available soloist in the room was a piece of furniture and somehow Hashtag: EmptyChair started trending across America. Sometime the internet scares me.
Holly did this a lot…
For the last time. I know Melissa feeds her kids. Gah.
Side note: “NOTICE: This room is being monitored for your safety.” Did you see that posted sign on the wall? The one at the very top of this recap? They showed it a lot, but it was clearly just for the Legal Department because Cathy & Crew kept running in and out of the ALDC makeup room like they owned the place. And that is clearly a bigger safety issue than any broken ladder or running with scissors. It was a mess.
I also can’t believe they still make that kind of pencil sharpener. The one that was screwed into the wall. Who even uses pencils anymore? Don’t kids just use the stylus that comes with their iPads? And when did I get so old?
I mean, like…
Just think. Pretty soon, if I keep using it over and over and over you’ll all be like…
Ok. I’m done now.
Finally, it was the showtime part of Showtime!
Nia nailed her solo. Girrrrl, pleez. That new music video experience gave her so much more hair and confidence that I wish I hadn’t already used my HollyGif three times.
Because, you know. Nia.
Props to my MomCrush who came through and admitted that no matter what differences she and Holly and the other Moms may have, they will always support Nia and the girls. And that made me smile, because kids always come first. Remember that.
Ava was up next with her ‘Hurtful Words’ solo. Mom Jeanette had gotten her own hair under control just in time for the show (…is it curly and she straightens it or is it straight and she frizzes it?…) and proudly watched her daughter’s legs grow even longer as the routine progressed. I don’t know what you call that push-up thing she did with one leg on the ground and other leg up on her shoulder, but it was redoink. Ava can dance.
Period. End of story.
JoJo finished up the solo portion of the program by just running around the stage and randomly doing stuff. Improv is her thang and she got it done.
She even did this almost to the ground split whatchamacallit, hanging out two inches from the floor for at least ten minutes before finally dropping it like it’s hot. Let’s just say I can’t even walk this morning and I only watched it on TV.
Backstage, Cathy & Crew disregarded the OSHA signage again and stampeded the ALDC makeup room to toss iParty stars into the air in celebration of Nia’s solo and music video. I felt bad for JoJo, who just kinda stood there. She is a star, too. And I’m sure (…spoiler alert…) she’ll have a song or something before you know it.
I Can Make You Dance. Just saying.
And how about when Cathy dissed MackZ’s Girl Party video? That woke up Mama Bear.
Luckily, the group routines kicked in before Melissa and Cathy started rolling around on a floor covered in glitter stars. Which would probably bring in a substantial amount of additional revenue if Lifetime ever wanted to get a slice of the the Pay-Per-View pie.
Think about it, guys. You can even steal my idea as long as I get ringside seats.
Candy Apples was up first with their salute to Vivi-Anne‘s new status as an American Citizen. You go, girl.
You go and get some ice cream when this is over, because you did awesome.
Now you know I love me some droopy loopy little Vivi-Anne, but I swore if she just ran across that stage waving a flag and then exited Stage Right, I was never going to watch this show again. You have no idea.
Thankfully, she actually danced a little once she climbed up to the top of that homemade 2×4 (…you couldn’t have painted it?…) Olympic Medal Stand and kind of looked like the Mini-Me version of some international singer whose name escapes me right now.
Not JLo. But somebody else.
I heart Vivi-Anne. I bet her citizenship papers even say ‘WTF’ somewhere on them.
Jeanette’s Fenton, MI-based Broadway Dance Academy (…I still don’t know why that cracks me up…) was next with their hip hop ‘D-Town’ jam.
Something about little girls doing hip hop always reminds me of the good ol’ Toddlers & Tiaras days, not that that’s a bad thing. And it’s nice to know that not every hip hop girl has to suds up the hood of a Mustang in booty shorts while she’s getting spanked.
But it still felt a little like American Girl Dolls Gone Wild, which sounds way creepier when I say it out loud. They wrecked it, tho. And it wasn’t lyrical. So there’s that, too.
Bonus Points for the girl who was all like “YeahICanSeeYouAin’tReadyYet.”
Side note: We did get to see the top of Rachelle Rak‘s head, tho. And her nose. She was a judge, so it was a good day in the D-Town ‘hood, yo.
Freakin’ finally, the rest of the ALDC girls showed up.
And then it went from panic to PANIC.
Nobody was in makeup. Nobody was in costume. Some of them showed up with blue lipstick on. Some didn’t. Some still had Burger King on their face. It was MamaMadness as everyone ran in circles looking for bronzer and face goop and anything with glitter on it so the girls didn’t get pushed out on stage wearing logo sweatpants.
Side note: How about when Melissa screamed “Mackenzie needs ABS?!!!!”
Don’t we all, honey. It’s been a looong winter.
Side note Numero Dos: If all she ate today was a banana, I’m thinking her abs are already showing up just fine. Probably her ribs, too. So stop you’re worrying and put some clothes on your kids before they announce Final Call.
Which they did.
Right under the wire, the ALDC made it onto stage.
And killed their No Sign Of Life dance. Killed it dead. And won First Place.
For the rest of the scores, you’re going to have to hit up a chat room or something, because our focus right now needs to be in the hallway backstage.
Where. It. All. Went. D-Town.
Side note: You know when the entire camera crew (…except for that one guy who was too scared to come out and kept peeping through the crack of the back door…) is in the hallway, it’s gonna be a good one.
Add in cream cheese frosting and a long day….? You just wait.
After getting hopped up on celebratory Hollywood Here We Come Cake, Abby and the Moms all ran smack into Cathy & Crew in the hallway. Jeanette asked Abby what she thought of Ava’s performance and it all went downhill from there.
Somehow the discussion turned into some Vivi-Anne bashing, which got Cathy right up in Abby’s face, snapping her Joan Rivers Readers dangerously close to the same nose that Kelly Hyland touched right before she ended up on TMZ.
Jill thought it was hilarious and might possibly be something that should be recorded on her cellphone for posting at a later date of her choosing.
Until Cathy snatched her phone out of her hands, that is.
I mean…SNATCHED. Like…snatched.
Say it with me: Jill lost her nutty. Lost. It.
Lawd have mercy.
The Mom who has the daughter with ears almost as big as mine had to jump right in between the two of them before they made contact. And then Holly came up as a second line of defense, shouting “NO NO NO” with her Louis bag in the crook of her arm like she was criticizing Cathy for carrying the wrong bag with the wrong outfit or something.
Something about the way she said it sounded so Fashion Police.
We love Holly.
I never seen so many camera people and and production people and innocent bystanders trying to purchase Starbound merchandise going totally spaz in one place before. The guy who used to star in The Commish and The Shield even came out of nowhere to try and pull them apart. He has a goatee now, BTW.
It was CrazyPants. Dot com.
One of the Candy Apple Moms was so busy youtubing the whole circus that she almost got konked by one of those fuzzy microphones on a stick that always fall into the shot during a rumble. Pay attention, lady.
Finally, somebody threw raw meat in two different directions and the ladies separated long enough for The Commish to rip a few fringes off Jill’s jacket. Even the guy who was too scared to come out had to come out it was such a scene.
And then it was over.
The whole season, actually. Or at least the first half. You know how Lifetime do.
So catch your breath. For a few days, anyway.
Next week it’s The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Reunion.
The Dress Up Episode.
Holly…should I wear my fancy stuff?