Toddlers & Tiaras: You Know What They Say About Those Me And My Pet Pageants…Monkey See, Monkey Poo.

October 29th, 2016

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Attention: License plate TTWINNZ. Your lights are on and there’s poop all over your back seat.

 

 

j1

 

 

Where’s my damn purse? I could sure use some of those animal tranquilizers right now. Lawd.

 

 

doodydoo

 

 

Jiminy Crickets! Pardon my potty mouth, kids, but the fudge nugget doody doo just hit the fan.

 

 

kr

 

 

 

I’m telling you right now I saw one that was this big. Either clean it up or I rub your pink face in it.

 

 

callyn

 

 

 

Speaking of. I sure scored some sweet s*** this weekend.

 

 

baby

 

 

Don’t say a word, sweetie. Just act cool and let them blame that poop smell on the baby.

 

 

girraffe

 

 

 

I know, right? He’s like the only animal that didn’t take a giant crap on the floor this weekend.

 

 

 

Finally.

We’re back.

And not a minute too soon.  Because I couldn’t hold it in much longer.

My excitement for this show, I mean.  That’s what I meant.

After a week off for some distracting Debate Night nonsense surrounding the future of our country…
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Toddlers & Tiaras returned to finish up what they started down in St. Louis.

The Me and My Pet Pageant: Number 2.

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I mean…Part 2.

peeweeLet’s just be honest here.

If you picked #POOP as your Secret Word or Safe Word this week…Game Over.  You win.

jd7bb4v7vhpzk2zbhvfaOn the other hand, if it was your Drinking Game Word…not so much.  You should probably check your DVR to see how the episode ended, because there’s no way you made it past the first commercial break.

520ba90e31598b420ab5ed342a4c132dI’m telling you right now.  #POOP is the word.

It was everywhere.  Literally.

As you’ll recall, when we last saw our pageant princesses it was full-on Poopapalooza Panic as moms and kids alike were all trying to maneuver around a ballroom carpet covered in what CNN described as strategically placed Iraqi goat poo landmines.

Srsly.  It was panic in the streets.

p1tumblr_n6t7dzy6ve1qaqx8xo2_500People were stepping over it.  Around it.  On it.  In it.

And every time you looked down, it had spread wider and juicier all around the ballroom like…

tumblr_nr5yxhkpom1s9bqq4o1_500 p1…until my favorite Mom Deb stepped in it with her funky socks and lost her nutty.

Spoiler Alert:  I can’t even wait until the end of this recap to discuss the top Jayliana‘s Mama was wearing during Crowning, it was so good.  I mean…

eyes

Can you even?  Because I can’t.

8048041f69fb5aed4f83e46f1f979e1e#StyleIcon.

And it’s already sold-out online, so don’t bother wasting your time going on the Neiman Marcus website.

According to most of the moms, the #PooGrenades had all been (…allegedly…) launched from the #TeamLyerly goat, even though nobody actually saw Blackberry discharge any ammo on the carpet.

And, honestly,  I’m not even sure when the goat would have had time to do that much damage since he spent the majority of his screen time cradled in the loving arms of Dad Ron Lyerly.

bSide note:  How much do I love the Lyerlys?  If that’s even how you spell it.  Is it Lyerlies, like plural?

Haters gon’ hate, but Ron cracks me up.

vintage-naked-winking-kewpie-doll-piano-baby-ceramictumblr_lzjxb6zetk1rogt97o1_500And Kelly?  You don’t mess with Kelly.  Because she will mess you up.kl3

Check it out.  I was creeping Kelly on the internet and found a picture from back when she hit her head on a beam in their barn and spent the next 6 months thinking she was Martina McBride.

kelly_headshotIt’s true, because it was on the internet.

Anyway.  Back to #Poopgate.

Everybody was ganging up on Ron and Kelly to clean the carpet, but they weren’t having it.

Not one bit.

And you know who else wasn’t having it?

My new favorite Mom Elicia, who was walking around the ballroom with her blurred out Coca Cola, cellphone and glue stick (…I think, or maybe it was a really big chapstick…) all like AwHellNaw You Pick Up Your Goat’s Poop, Little Man.

eGirlfriend was NOT having it.

She WAS having a smokey eye, tho, that was so fierce it could make a MAC counter girl cry.

e1And she was also having a ride around her living room on what I believe has to be the world’s biggest iRobot Roomba vacuum cleaner.  And she was doing it with that dog from the Taco Bell commercial. e2gifs-01Where do you even buy one of those?  Not the Roomba.  I’ve seen those at Best Buy.  I’m talking about that round thing Elicia and the Taco Bell dog were sitting on.

Yo Quiero.

Somewhere around here tiny Kailia had a moment of rambling randomness, discussing her disdain for poop and Jello pudding that basically just served to reinforce the two things we already knew:  Her mom is crazy and a 10 year old girl has better French tips than you can ever hope to have in your lifetime.

2 k2 k

Needless to say, nobody picked up any poop before the competition got started.

The Me and My Pet Pageant.  With real animals.

What could possibly go wrong?

Side note:  Here’s Kim Kardashian the Bride, in a Mermaid Trumpet Spaghetti Strap Lace Corset Layered Ruffle Chapel Train Organza Vera Wang gown.

kim-kardashian-mermaid-spaghetti-lace-corset1.  I’m pretty sure that blonde chick was born with that hair.

2.  Kim’s marriage didn’t last as long as it took you to read that description.

And here’s Kim Kardashian the Pig, in a stroller, wearing the same dress.pigandy-dwyer-shock#MicDrop.

First on stage was Elicia’s baby girl Hallee, who held up the Taco Bell dog like the opening of The Lion King and then Walked  Like an Egyptian until her CD ran out of music.9u4jdSpoiler Alert:  Zebras.

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Next up was Giavanna (…who keeps spellchecking to ‘Giovanni,’ so I apologize in advance…) and Kim Kardashian the Pig in a tribute to Pageant Moms everywhere.

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I see what you did there, Gia, with your pig and your Walmart pajama bottoms.

And so did #JudgeJessica.  Look at how her hair takes up literally 50% of my TV screen.

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The other two judges didn’t quite get the shtick at first, but being a (…former or nah?…) Pageant Mom herself, Jessica McClamroch picked right up on all that slander.

As soon as Gia left the stage, Mom Kelly accidentally tipped the stroller over, knocking Kim Kardashian onto her back so hard that her legs went up in the air and her dress fell off, which is something we’ve all seen so many times that I’m not even gonna bother looking for a picture.

andy-dwyer-shock

While all that hilarity was ensuing, all that poop was still laying on the carpet out back until someone finally called the front desk and told them what was going on in their own ballroom.

img_2414Enter Employee of the Month Kim…kim

…whose face was so good that you need to see it 3 times.

www.NotMyJob.com.

Mom Marcy ran around showing Kim all the poop, which I’m gonna assume she could have found on her own if you put her on the scent.  But whatever.  I love Marcy.

Side note:  At one point Marcy even called all that nasty s*** by its scientific name of Doody Doo and now I love her even more.  Because…you know.  Doody Doo.  She’s in her 40s.

Side note 2:  Maybe they should have just called the folks at DoodyCalls.

Because that’s a real thing and now they just got free advertising on my site.  No wonder I can’t make any money off this thing when I keep giving away complimentary ad space.

doodycallsnj

Their website actually asks; “Pet waste piling up?”

Wait.  What?

At least they get to drive the Scooby-Doo van to work every day.

doodycalls-van-mike-k-5While Hotel Kim was downstairs giving HR her 2 weeks notice, Alycesaundra took to the stage with her goat in a routine that was completely lost on me unless I just missed something.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

rb goat1So a girl and a goat walk into a bar…

I dunno.  Both of those Tiara Twins are so cute I can’t stand it, so I’m going to overlook the fact that Alycesaundra walked on stage with a goat, slammed back a couple of brewskis and then picked up her goat and left the bar without paying her tab.  I don’t even understand the concept, much less why any waitress would serve an underage girl two root beers and a bottle of warm milk with a rubber nipple on it and then just walk away.

Did I already show you this?

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Because nothing else is making any sense right now.j3 bbjjThankfully, it was right about here when I realized there was not nearly enough Cambrie Littlefield in the episode.  No ma’am.  She’s my girl.  Does TLC even read this thing?

c#Goals.

And what about Nisa Hooper?  Are we really going another week without Nisa?

an1-1

We LOVE Nisa.  Remember that episode where she had too much to drink and got all like…north-west-wears-kim-kardashians-sun-glasses-ftrOr that time she had that massive fight with Cambrie and got all like…

tumblr_o46vwufpmt1qhzi2jo2_540…and then Cambrie got all like…

x-men-apocalypse-gif-56d595fe9ae5cOr maybe that episode hasn’t aired yet.  I forget.

Butt (…poop humor…) I digress.

Backstage, #Poopgate was out of control.

Kim came back with a bunch of hotel managers and made that face again.kimRon and Kelly still refused to pick up after their goat, which made Elicia put her #NisaShades on top of her head so she could get all sassy and wave her finger around like…

Aw.
e6

Hell.e4

Naw.e5

Ron never let go of that goat, FYI.
ronNot even when he got all Bill Nye the Poop Science Guy on Kim and tried to explain the difference between Coco Puffs, Goobers and Whoppers when it came to discerning what animal butt makes the best holiday chocolates.

billnyethehandjobguy-41470I don’t even know what’s happening in that picture.

Luckily, Kailia hit the rings for her Tarzan & Jane routine, temporarily breaking the tension in the room.  Or so I thought, until Mom Marcy prepped us for the number by explaining how her daughter was going to rip off her Jane dress like a Rain Forest stripper but not be wearing any pasties underneath.

Because she totally said that.

Newsflash:  Not everyone can wear pasties like a Boss.  Just saying.

eyes 8048041f69fb5aed4f83e46f1f979e1eKailia nailed her performance…kk1kk

…even though #JudgeJessica thought the parrot sitting on top of K’s Ring Thingamajig.

Side note:  Marcy was INTO Kailia’s routine.   Look at her face.

mAnd look at Mustache Guy.  There he is again.  He’s everywhere in this show!

I know who he is now, too.  Thanks to a slightly awkward recap a few weeks ago, I might add.

But I’m not telling you.

Just take a shot every time he’s in a scene.  It’ll be fun.

rb

Gah.  She’s cute.

#Poopgate Round 3:  This is when it really hit the fan backstage.

Ron and Kelly were screaming at all the other Moms.

All the other Moms were screaming at Ron and Kelly.

This new Mom right here went OFF on them all like Pick Up Your Poop, Bitch.

pink

And then Kelly was all like You Wanna Go Outside, Bitch?  Don’t Make Me Take My Shoes Off.fight

And then Ron was all like Don’t Make Me Put My Goat Down, Bitch.fight1
And don’t even ask me why Marcy thought she could stop #NervousPoop from shooting out just by putting up one hand like she was making a Force Field or something.

They’re not filming Fantastic Four, honey.  This is TLC.

Marcy also wanted to do an impromptu Cambrie’s Court cheer, because that always works to break the tension right before fists and Doody Doo start flying, right?

And, finally…to seal the deal…Elicia and her smokey eyes caught a good glimpse of Kelly when she bent over and before you knew it a simple discussion on whose butt was bigger quickly transitioned into…

Umm…well…

article-2446556-188fd31600000578-900_634x438Excuse me?  I don’t think so.  Not with kids in the car.

butt

I almost forgot about the pageant.

Tiny Emily hit the stage dressed all in pink like Reese Witherspoon (…where do they find all these little chihuahuas on such short notice?…) and rocked it like a pro.  Mom Alysha was so proud she didn’t even notice Mustache Guy sneaking up a row.mggiphy-5Side note:  Only on Toddlers & Tiaras is a rampaging zebra the most normal thing you’ll see.

Because that happened next.

 giphy-6Callyn‘s Secret Weapon Zebra just wasn’t feeling it that afternoon and refused to come up on stage with her for the routine.  Which kinda defeated the whole Me and My Pet theme, I guess.

But she still did great.

z z1And Mom was proud.

So proud in fact, that she too was oblivious to her surroundings.

mg1ty0wl4aAnd then it was over.

Except for Crowning and stuff, I mean.

But we wasted so much time with funny pictures and Drinking Games that I’m almost out of space.

The Short Version:  The Tiara Twins didn’t score as high as they would have liked, but they’re so cute it doesn’t matter.  They have a Greyhound bus with their faces on it, fercryinoutloud.

Callyn scored higher than her cousin for the first time in…I dunno…forever, maybe…and Mom was over the moon.  But the two girls are still Besties.  So don’t you worry.

And Kailia won the Mega Grand Supreme!  The Big One.

Mom was all like…

nm

And Kailia cried she was so happy.

When it was all over, one of the cousins pulled out her own eyelashes on live TV.

lash

The hotel’s expensive carpet still smelled like poop and Kim was in therapy at an undisclosed location to protect her privacy.

During the wild after-party, a goat photobombed the security guards.

enhanced-buzz-23031-1345556666-2And a judge photobombed the Winner.

cvvz8yzwiaektpc-jpg-large-2Because #BigHairDon’tCare.

Poop there it is.

moxiegirlz

Toddlers & Tiaras: You Really Stepped In It This Time. Shovel And Sparkle At The St. Louis Me And My Pet Pageant!

October 16th, 2016

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Imma ’bout ready to slap a weight limit on some of these Mamas and put ’em back in the cage.

 

 

maracy

 

 

I accidentally used pixie stix instead of Splenda and now I swear a monkey is eating my face.

 

 

jh

 

 

I deducted 2 points because her hair was bigger than mine. Mama don’t play, little girl.

 

 

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I just want a drink that doesn’t come in a damn sippy cup. I can’t believe it’s not even 5 o’clock yet.

 

paint

 

 

 

I usually just watch paint dry, but I’m getting a better buzz off all the Aqua Net in the ballroom.

 

hu2

 

 

 

No. I swear. The poop was literally THIS big and there were only Pageant Moms in the room. Not one animal.

 

kly

 

 

 

I’m gonna shut this stupid blog down if he calls my boobs ‘Tiara Twins’ again. I don’t forget nuthin’.

 

 

 

So.

Couple things before we get started.

One.  Yeah…I know.  I messed up last week and didn’t get a recap posted in a timely manner.  Like maybe not at all in a timely manner.  I know.
dance-moms-6x15-recap-melissa-should-be-sorry
My bad.

And I feel bad.  I swear.  And this is me feeling bad last week when I got my first #HateTweet that wasn’t related to Dance Moms.  Look at how crooked my crown was.

toddlers-and-tiaras-crying

And now this one is late, too.

abbey-lee-crying

But I’m still waiting for that first TLC check to show up in the mailbox, which ain’t happened yet…so until the cable company takes snark and sparkles in trade for high speed internet, Imma have to show up at work once in awhile.  Not my first choice.  Or even my second.  But it’s a lot easier to write these recaps…even the late ones…when the electricity doesn’t get shut off at the end of each month.

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Two.  Who the hell is this chick and how’d she get my gig?

gigThree.  For all you up and coming bloggers and journalist types:  See what I just did there?

In the first 299 words, I snuck in two totally unrelated Dance Moms gifs to keep the DM fans happy and distract them from the fact that I’ve been an even bigger slacker on my Lifetime Television duties.  I basically told TLC to hire me without having to go through the hassle of figuring out their website and updating my LinkedIn page.  I probably offended that OMG! Moments lady, who I’m sure is very nice when she’s not stealing other people’s jobs.  And I even made certain that Abby Lee Miller‘s deceased dog (…who was stuffed and mounted after passing from this Earth, BTW…) was clearly visible in the montage so I could transition seamlessly into the latest episode of Toddlers & Tiaras.

The Me and My Pet Pageant.

Because that’s how it’s done.

And that’s how I do, mmkay?

Make that 3 Dance Moms gifs.

Spoiler Alert:  Unfortunately, there were no #NisaHooperSightings this week.

None.  Which was not cool.

So here’s one.  And it’s even pet-related to keep with the theme.

Please watch and enjoy as Nisa Hooper literally steals the crown off a small child’s head and tries to stick it on top of her alien dog with the light-up laser beam eyes because they don’t have pet pageants on whatever planet light-up laser beam eye dogs come from.  No wonder Nisa wears shades.

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I love Nisa.

And she gives me very little crap considering that I’ll go to my grave swearing my internet girlfriend Cambrie Littlefield is #Goals.  Because she is.  The #Goals part, I mean.

The internet girlfriend part is a work in progress.

Oh hey, Gurrrrl.

c1

Look at how long Production made her sit in that gazebo chair.  It’s dark outside now.

cnightSoooo anyway.

I guess we could get started now.

To celebrate their Top Spot win at last week’s pageant, the full Cambrie’s Court contingent headed to the local Water Park for some fun in the sun and free advertising on danthatscool.com.

Check’s in the mail, I’m sure.

cowbThe entire park was shut down so Miss Cambrie and her little kids and her even littler bathing suit top could all slide down the chute and have some old fashioned splash time before heading back to the studio to focus on this week’s competition.

Look at all that right there.
sb1#Goals.  Whether you’re going to the Water Park or Coachella with the Kardashians, I guess.

Just #Goals.

And look at how excited my Boo Jayliana was to find out there was no line for the slide.

sbSpring Break, baby.

They didn’t show it on TV, but there was one part where Cambrie forgot one of the kids at the Water Slide and had to run back to get her all like this…

cj_run

Bonus:  Here’s Mama June going down the Mac ‘N Cheese Slide.  Because she can.

mjslidemaccheeseAt this week’s Me and My Pet Pageant, the biggest competition for Cambrie and her pack of princesses was going to come from some familiar faces to all you long term T&T-ers.

Dat’s rite.  They’re baaaaack!

Alycesaundra and Giavanna.  The Tiara Twins.

sun2

 And Mom Kelly Lyerly.

kl1And Dad Ron, who we last saw dressed up as one of the Village People for some reason.

rYou remember them all from Original Recipe Toddler 1.0…right?

Mom was put on Earth to groom children for pageantry and to call Dad a moron 24/7.  The girls were put on Earth to be ridiculously cute and f*** up my Macbook spellcheck so bad that that hard drive fan turns itself on every time I type their names.

Back in the day, Lyerly & Co. all had gigantic personalities and gigantic bodyguards and a gigantic farm and a gigantic bus with the kids’ gigantic faces shrink-wrapped all over it like they were running for public office.  Remember how they would pull that monster rig right up to the Ramada curb like it was Madison Square Garden and pour out with 47 suitcases, a bunch of goats and one turkey?

toddlers-tiaras-lamb-chops-and-doggies-and-sn-l-ulyvp7Because pet pageants were kinda their thing back then.  They won the last two.

And they were gunning for win #3 this week.

Side note:  Three years ago, Mom ‘fessed up to spending upwards of $500,000 on all this goodness.  I don’t know what kinda magic cows they’re milking down at that farm but sign me up.little_rascals_moneytossFor this year’s pet pageant, they decided to head to one of those places where you can bid on live goats instead of taking your chances on eBay.  I forget which girl wanted to bring a goat on stage, but given their history with turkey and peacock props, moving forward without poultry seemed like a good idea.

Look.  This one is already wearing a Pashmina, which should make Kelly happy.  Cuz she’s fancy.

goatNumber 9422 and Number 9456 seem nice.  I like them.g3Number 9422 seems to like Number 9456, too.

g2Don’t look, honey.  ag2

As traumatizing as that was, there was also a scene where they made one of the girls hold up a piece of paper showing the dollar amount that they were spending on her pageant gown, which I thought was rather odd considering that this was a live goat auction.  But in all honesty I’ve never been to a glitz pageant or a live goat auction or a glitz pageant with live goats in attendance, so maybe that’s just how they roll.  Regardless, at the end of the day Lyerly & Co. owned a new baby goat.2318Time to restock the shelves.

g2To cleanse the palate and get the sting out of our eyes…sun

…we headed back to Vegas to meet 10 year old Kailia and her rather alert Mom Marcy.
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Mom got a little animated when describing how little Kailia turns from a sleeping puppy into a crazy little monkey.  Just a little animated.  Like seizure animated.m3monkeyclmclm2

Let’s be honest.  Only one of these monkeys is actually crazy and it ain’t the one in the ruffles.gif-monkey-smile-940834Marcy was so whacky that I immediately had to put her on my holiday card list.  Some people online felt that Kailia’s Mom was slightly bug-eyed, but it’s all relative, right?tb

Tonya Bailey.  Queen.  Don’t even argue with me on this one.

I didn’t quite catch where she met them, but at some point on her cross-country Crazy Monkey Tour a few years ago Marcy had discovered this couple who did nothing but yank on kids like this… giphy-3

…and this…

giphy-2…and even this…

stretchstretch2Those are Kailia’s feet, BTW.  Up where her arms are supposed to be.

Thankfully, Cambrie showed up at the front door before I got a visual charlie horse.41-frozen-katie-lopez-facciamo-un-pupazzo-insiemecdoor

Except she got locked out of the house and was all like…

c7699d00b4ed4e13075bcfc16642b022cdoor2“Bitch, I know you’re in there.”

Take aways from this scene:  Cambrie has a friend who has a monkey, because of course she does.

Unfortunately, the monkey’s agent had double booked him for the upcoming weekend and now Kailia was going to have to use a dog dressed up like a monkey to do God Knows What at the pageant in two days.

We should probably also point out that Cambrie’s hairdresser friend Mykel Baca gets double booked a lot.  And that we’ve never actually seen Mykel and a monkey in the same room at the same time, so…

Just pointing out the facts, ma’am.

Next up:  The Battle of the Blonde Chicks.

Meet 7 year old Callyn and her Mom Amber.

Callyn sat on a boulder that was wearing a crown and Mom took two sips of a cocktail and lost her shoes.

crown shoes2You can’t even make this stuff up anymore.

We looooove them.  Callyn had a ‘secret pet’ for this week’s festivities that was gonna rock our world, but she wouldn’t let us in on the poop scoop just yet.

You’re just gonna have to hold your (…Spoiler Alert…) striped horses for a few.

FYI, Amber has a sister Alysha whose 7 year old daughter Emily also does pageants.emilyash

Do the math:  Sibling Rivalry.  Especially since Emily wins more than Callyn does.

Side note:  You just know that lamp’s not plugged in.

And who leaves a 7 year old all alone on a bachelorette party bus?

e2

No wonder she’s so excited.  That is way better than any stupid monkey.  #TotesJealz.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And Pageant Director Jill Worley puts on a show, yo.

Look at all that sweet loot.  Those are some pretty awesome blinged-out crowns, even though the elephant kinda looks like a vacuum cleaner.  We love Jill.stashAnd where else can you find spray tanned legs, a bronze monkey butt and a pig in a stroller all in one place?  It’s like THE best Pier 1 Imports evah.  Jill don’t skimp on the decor.pig Look at how terrified that dog is, tho.dogEven the judges’ table got pimped out with snacks.

Look at how much fun that judge with the giant hair at the very end is having.  And look at how thirsty the middle judge is…that is one Mega Ultimate Supreme Big Gulp.  And how about poor judge #3 pretending she doesn’t hear the other two talking about her while she plots revenge?

jtableI swear the judge with the giant hair looks so familiar.

Side note:  Since this is another 2-part episode this week, we’re gonna have to skip over some of the hilarity and save it for next time to speed things up a bit.  Things like Ron Lyerly’s glitter #DadJeans, maybe.  The ones with his kids’ faces appliquéd on the butt that perfectly coordinated with his pink J.Crew shirt.  And his gelled hair.  Because I just can’t right now.ron90dab38819536415230e6158570ab616Lyerly = Life.  Because that’s what they’re giving me right now.

Side note:  Kelly said that their pig is named Kim K.

pig2 So there’s that.

Naturally, it wouldn’t be a pet pageant without major drama.

Cambrie’s Plan B didn’t work out very well.  The Dog Monkey never showed up so she had to call a friend at the zoo to get something else put on a flatbed and shipped over asap.  Because Cambrie has a local zoo in her speed dial.  Because she’s Cambrie.  #Goals.

Emily was first up in Beauty.

And then the judge’s critique.

Ladies and Gentlemen.  I give you Jessica McClamroch.

689df2564a90bab01983f5c4d6c9f7bfI knew she looked familiar!

j3She is one of my all-time favorite Moms EVER from Toddler 1.0…’member her?

jessShe’s the one with the big a** hair who didn’t want America to think it was all nasty up in here when a fly started buzzing around her house during taping.

j5Hashtag:  LoveHer.

And her hair and her judging game were on point this week, lemme tell you.j6 tumblr_njufggv7ly1rarhivo4_500j159f8206c2920826b29caf79e486ab447 j4 tumblr_njufggv7ly1rarhivo5_500jThe rest of the Beauty portion kinda flew by after Jessica’s appearance.

And let’s be honest, since they legally couldn’t give a prize to Mrs. McClamroch, it’s probably gonna go to Giavanna for that yellow Miss America gown.  You see dat thang?  Dang.14568072_1215074351847700_4265855368280907370_nI mean.  C’mon.

Even Cambrie was all like…tumblr_lq035of2qt1qbnfoaMiss Cambrie knows pageant beauty when she sees it.

And then the s*** hit the fan.  And the floor.  Literally.

Callyn unveiled her secret pet and Mom Deb was not liking it one bit.

tumblr_lk9wlnsslj1qi4ns0o1_500A zebra?  Really?  In a hotel?

debThe email clearly stated that there was a 40 pound limit and the animal needed to be caged until taking the stage and could not be shipped in a wood crate across the ocean from Madagascar even if it did know how to do the Running Man.85042-zebra-dancing-gif-imgur-bvf2

And excuse me.

If they knew you could break the rules, then Deb and Jayliana would have just brought their damn horse Bourbon, who is apparently so awesome that Boo had to say his name 3 times with attitude.
bouron
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Not really sure what that was all about unless she was just mimicking Mom.

40-1I think I’m starting to love these people a little too much.

And then the rest of the episode just collapsed into pigs and goats and poop and poop and goats and pigs and people stepping on it and over it and nobody wanting to pick any of it up even when Jessica’s 3 year old flies started circling around it like an All You Can Eat Buffet.

jessYou got that right, girlfriend.

Oh.  And they also showed the hotel manager upstairs real quick.

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And then it was over.

To be continued…

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Toddlers & Tiaras: When It’s Slots And Tots And Lots Of Sparkles…All Bets Are Off, Kids. Cuz It’s Vegas, Baby!

September 29th, 2016

rhair

 

 

Don’t even ask me to put this big a** thing on my head after 6 hours in the beauty salon chair.

 

 

nocry

 

 

 

#NoCryingEver

 

 

dg1

 

 

 

 

I know if I end up looking like Effie from Dreamgirls there’s gonna be some drama, boy.

 

rbig

 

 

 

I’m not even lying. She got outta the damn chair and her hair was like THIS big! Swear to Gawd.

 

 

hat

 

 

I literally told them 4 times I was wearing this hat and they still can’t fit it in the shot. This a joke?

 

 

bp

 

 

 

 

#@**!!**@*#!!

 

rcrown

 

 

 

 

On second thought, Mama likes. Help yo’self to some teddy bears, kids. This one’s mine.

 

 

 

 

Grab your popcorn.

And some high fructose soda pop, of course.

Maybe even some Goobers, while you’re at it.  And those gummy things that always stick to your flippers.

You’re gonna need lots of sugary snacks this week, kids…

popcorn-having-a-march…because Toddlers & Tiaras is going to the movies!

It was finally time for the Supreme Me Night At The Movies Pageant!

After a little bit more pre-show drama, I mean.

Following the new Toddler 2.0 format, we picked up right where we left off last week with tiny Addison and Mom Trish and Mom Trish’s red eye shadow coming to terms with the realization that Cambrie Littlefield‘s makeup guy Mykel Baca would not be doing their makeup for the pageant in the morning.

I know, right?  Dramzzzzz in the first 30 seconds.

Here’s Trish’s eye shadow in case you missed it.

tAnd here’s a closer look if you want to duplicate that smokey eye this weekend.

trish1

As everyone ran in circles carrying what I believe were canvas scarecrow heads on a stick, it was clear that there weren’t enough hours in the day to fit all these kids into Mykel’s makeup chair.

This was not going to end well.

Disclaimer:  From this angle, I know it looks like Mom just bagged her kid’s head with canvas, but I assure you there’s not an actual child under that pillow case.  No pageant princesses were harmed during the filming of this episode.
wig

There’s another one, tho.

wig2And a third one that’s probably gonna lose some points during Beauty.

70288_origRegardless, whether it was poor scheduling or some Mean Girls conspiracy theory, if you weren’t wearing a Cambrie’s Court track jacket in the morning you weren’t getting in to see the Wizard.  you-cant-sit-with-us-mean-girlscCambrie is #Goals, BTW.

Morale of the Story:  Trish was not happy.

But instead of hopping a plane back to Dallas at midnight, she took her scarecrow head and her Juicy Couture Texas top (…which you just know has matching lounge pants at home somewhere…) and stomped the yard up to her room to figure out what to do now.texas

I’m not really sure what that other person with the backpack is doing.  That’s a lot of gear for a school bus, so I’m thinking maybe she’s hiking the Appalachians in the morning.

Side note:  Even though she’s a stress bag, you know I love Trish.

t1Not so much the red eye shadow.  But I did notice that everyone was rocking it at the Macy’s Mac counter last weekend, so maybe T-Dawg is just ahead of the curve.

Drinking Game Alert:  During one of those little performance snippets they randomly stick in the middle of scenes, that baby puppet was back on stage again.

puppetExcept now I’m not so sure she’s a puppet, because you can totally see that lady’s hands.

If she’s a puppet…you’re doing it wrong.

If she’s a real baby…that kid’s never gonna learn to walk if you don’t put her down, ma’am.

And then we met Rochelle Thames, Director of Supreme Me Pageants.

Yaaaaaaas, Queen.

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Part that lady from The View

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Part this kid…tumblr_mny7o0bzan1qk08n1o1_500And part that girl from Glee who always sang Jennifer Holiday songs…

giphyWE LOVED ROCHELLE!

Yes.  All in caps.  And bold.  And italics.

She was so friendly and so nice and so smiley and so pretty with magazine cover shiny skin and wanted ALL the kids to get prizes and feel special and totally needs to be my new BFF so we can go clubbing with Annette Hill from Universal Royalty.

Google it.  Annette is da bomb diddly widdly.

Side note:  You know my girl Tonya from Bailey’s Pageants always has a standing invitation, too, but ever since her BoyToy Todd went back on tour with the Backstreet Boys, they’ve been kinda booked.

Look at the stash of goods Rochelle was handing out.  Dang, gurl.stashYes, please.

tumblr_ls3ifixzrp1r3i8zto1_500Rochelle was handing out crowns, sashes, fans made out of dollah dollah bills, yo…and even a confetti bomb after every kid’s name was called.

spelling-bee-winner-excitementBackstage amidst all the air brush frenzy, the girls were poised and polite and giving each other compliments like “I know your Mom is a raving lunatic, but your hair looks nice…” 

ty…while thanking each other like proper young ladies.

Look at all the hair back there.hairkirk1Side note:  Are we just not gonna talk about that lady with the Zsa Zsa Gabor bracelet  who was trying to keep her kid awake with a cowbell?

cowbell

You might wanna zoom in on that closeup.cowbell1Not putting up with any of your s*** this morning, woman.  Not doin’ it.

And how about that dog?  Meow, bitch.

dog

Wait.  What?  Now she’s a puppet again.

puppet1And look how psyched this chick is to be there.

britneyYou just know the guy with the mustache was trying to figure out if that was really Britney Spears or not.

It is Vegas, after all.

The emcee was gorgeous and held her mic like she was in the American Idol Finale.

mc

And then the Gods of Reality Television blessed us with another appearance by Nisa Hooper, talent coach and sunglass icon to the stars.anigif_enhanced-8470-1429731083-4n1Nisa finds Cambrie to be a lovely, lovely young lady who…ummm…
n285386-bored-look-at-watch-gif-my-cou-e57fn450569965-cmsn3at-work-cookie-monstern5

Yeah.  Not so much.

Did I forget to mention that my Boo Jayliana‘s Mama Deb mentioned that Mykel forgot to mention that he doesn’t know how to do mixed girls’ hair?

Because he don’t.  Gurrrrrrl, plea…

jI mean.

j1Granted, Cambrie wanted JayBae to wear a wiglet instead of going au natural with her curly ‘do at this pageant.  And if Miss Cambrie told me to put a toupee on and walk backwards down Main Street I would totally do it, because Miss C is #Goals.

But Lawd, Geezis.

I watch enough Bravo TV to know that hair was NOT laid to the Gawdz.

Rochelle was all like…

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Even Nisa’s Dog/Cat couldn’t believe what he was looking at when she came on stage.

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Look at Mama tryna unscrew that Diet Pepsi like it’s vodka.

momAnd excuse me, but did Addison just call Cambrie a LOSER?

losertumblr_n65tiy1eq21tcwnk1o1_500Do NOT make me take off my earrings.  She’s lucky she’s 2 years old.

NEWSFLASH/DVR ALERT:  The Top Hat Boys are back!!judge

Or at least that one.shania-twain-vegas

I mean this one.hat1My Boy Blake Nagy was back on the judges’ table!

Those Top Hat Boys Crack.  Me.  Up.

Bonus:  Imma just leave this one here and you can make up your own punchline.

tumblr_inline_mlthyb9q0b1qz4rgpI freakin’ love those guys.

The Beauty Round was first up and the girls all nailed it, more or less.

Check out Nisa holding that plastic cup like she’s having cocktails at the Oscars.

anMmmHmmm.  I found his performance in Mall Cop to be slightly pretentious.

Since Jayliana’s #BeautyHair had been such a success, Mama Deb rushed her back upstairs to their hotel room sink so she could wash that thing down the drain and rejuvenate her natural curls.

As opposed to this lady who put her baby in the sink just to take a selfie.

sinkAs Jayliana’s natural spring was sproinging back to life…

curl

…the emcee was calling for a 7-8 year old lineup downstairs.  Which meant that JayBae missed the call and Cambrie said a swear word with kids in the car.v2tsqvxbp

#Goals.  F***ing S***Show #Goals.

Hashtag:  FML.

Side note:  That’s my girl Annette waaaay in the background behind that little peanut flipping the bird.

Annette doesn’t wear her hair up at da klub, yo.  You know that’s right.

tumblr_lq035of2qt1qbnfoaWhen they finally made it downstairs, Deb said something to Cambrie about Jayliana’s hair, but I was so fascinated by that lady in the middle looking all like “Whatchoo mean they’re taking points off for not showing up?  That’s some BS!” that I don’t remember much about the scene.

gurl

Instead of Outfit of Choice, Rochelle shook things up with a Talent Category.

Real Talent.  Like singing and dancing and whatever this is…

ringsThis girl sang a Whitney song and even stuck her finger in her ear like Mariah does on her high runs.

She’ll be dropping her first single on Spotify as soon as finishes her nap.

whitneyJayliana busted out her best Prince impersonation and reenacted that famous scene from Purple Rain when Apollonia Kotera jumped on the back of Prince’s hoverboard and they rode off into the sunset.

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Because she rode a overboard on stage, which I enjoyed it immensely, but Nisa felt that simply spinning around in circles on a hoverboard was not talent and should never be done without a helmet, no matter how much protective natural hair you may have on your head.

nisahover

Safety First, dahling.

And then talent and education.  Or you’re dead to me.

Love.  Nisa.  To.  Infinity….and Beyond.

Addison did a cat routine, which always makes me nervous given what a poor record Toddlers & Tiaras has for kids doing cat routines on national television.

largeBut she nailed it, except for taking a face plant during her back walkover.

Hey.  It was her first attempt.  Cut her some slack.

She managed to gobble down a mouse in one bite like she’d just gotten out of prison, tho.mouseSpeaking of.

ccandy2 ccandy#NaturesCandy.

The Short Version:  At some point during the festivities, Jayliana thought she had chicken pox because she saw 3 tiny mosquito bites on her tummy, but Deb assured her that you can’t get chicken pox in under an hour and that she was just fine and that she should go hug this kid named Kailia really hard until you’d swear Kailia’s Mom Marcy thought she was spreading Zika.

ds1Because that totally happened.

And I didn’t make any of it up this time.

Marcy freaked out and tried to get pageant security to fog bomb the building like JayBae had bed bugs in her hair, so Deb decided to put an end to all this drama by f***ing her up behind closed doors.

Because that totally happened, too.

And I didn’t make any of that up either.  I’m sure it’s on youtube somewhere.

j3

True Fact:  By the time Deb finished with Marcy, Kailia’s Mom had the same number of teeth in her mouth as Jayliana.  I swear.

I don’t know if I got all that in the right order or not, but it really doesn’t matter because Deb is awesome sauce and she has a wine bottle holder shaped like a shoe.  So your argument is once again invalid.

And then Cambrie cried, which made me sad.  She loves her kids so much.

cry

Side note:  I thought it was nice the way Trish helped lead Nisa around the ballroom since her sunglasses were so dark she couldn’t see the traffic pattern between the chairs.  That’s a true friend.

blind

Maybe not a true story.  But a true friend, for sure.

Amanda‘s daughter Landree was some form of showgirl and danced around like a seasoned pro.

Earlier in the programming she wore a high colored white glitz dress that made her look like the good Ice Princess who fought her evil twin sister in whatever that movie was called.

landSomewhere around here was also when TLC fired one of their Continuity Interns after they accidentally spliced in the wrong Top Hat Boy into the wrong judges’ table scene.

dhatUnless they do these things in shifts, I guess.

Let’s just keep it real, a’ight?  Although his hat is equally as awesome as his counterpart’s chapeau, I know for a fact that’s not the same person.  And whoever that was next to him was not the same judge that was there earlier, because his eyebrows were way more on fleek than any of the women at the table and I would have remembered that kind of thing.

Maybe they kicked all the ladies out after they ate all the candy.

Because that cup was full when the show started.

chin

Editing aside, we did get to see one of those chin stand whatchamacallits that Brooke Hyland used to always do on Dance Moms before her own Mom slapped Abby Lee Miller so hard she ended up on TMZ.  Shoutout to my DM fans!

Finally…it was time for Crowning!

Cambrie’s Court did a rowdy beat yo’ a** cheer a couple hundred times that aggravated everyone around them and then we got a shot of a bunch of kids eating popcorn in matching gold lamé tops that I’m totally screen saving for the cover of my Holiday 2016 cards.

chantSince we’re running a little long this week, you’re going to have to Google the results of the pageant yourself.  I’m sure some website that specializes in that kind of thing can assist you with your scorecard while I point out that Cambrie was making crank phone calls when things started to drag.

cellHello?  Hello?  Who is this?  I know it’s you, Cambrie.  We’re sitting in the same row, bitch.  You know I can see you, right?  Don’t make me come over there.

cell1Since Rochelle likes to shake things up whenever she can, for the final Mega Ultimate Grand Supreme title, she had all 10 kids and all 10 parents come up on stage and food fight their way to the top prize.

89940-john-belushi-food-fight-gif-bl-efzwnoodlesLook at that one Mom waving like she’s getting the crown.

They literally had to dig through those heaping piles of dyed pasta until they found whatever it was that signified a winner.

And then this happened.

acryLandree won the top prize and Amanda lost her own noodle.

acry1I mean.  She bawled.

kristen-wiig-crying bk0d4s1iqaaz0f4acry24Now you know I love me some supportive parents, but this woman didn’t stop crying for the rest of the show.  Except for when she fell down the stairs, which is when I would have expected her to start crying.

And Nisa doesn’t like Outside Crying.

At.  All.

Victorious Laughter on the other hand…

nht

And then it was over.

Except for handing out the Emmy for Best Impersonation Of Somehow Getting The Holy Spirit In Them At A Kiddie Pageant, that is…which went to Deb for making fun of Amanda’s emotional breakdown.

ds tie1Just say No to crying, kids.

Feel free to say yes to that sparkle bow tie, though.  Definitely.  Yes.

Landree gave thanks.

tyjtumblr_m2zhmuihrp1qzr8l8

And then it was really over.

Peace out, bitches.

Even you crazy ones.

peace


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