You wanna see me climb those stairs in heels? Cuz Imma ’bout ready to hush this whole audience.
We’d never hit each other. You have any idea how much a full set of these acrylics costs at the mall?
Thanks. It’s nice to be here, Jeff. But it would be even nicer if MamaZ could stop staring at my boobs.
I dunno. I think my favorite part is when everyone all goes ‘Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie…’
Somebody wanna tell Elizabeth Taylor over here that we all know she’s wearing her kid’s headband as a necklace.
Srsly? Did she really just say that to me? Abby’s hand up my butt? You see how tight this dress is? Good luck with that.
I’m well aware that only one side of my hair is curled. You don’t need to keep pointing it out.
You know what they say.
It ain’t over ’til the Dance Lady blings.
Because they totally say that. I swear.
And there’s nothing like a little Dance Moms Reunion to prove it.
This week Abby Lee Miller put on an extra layer of protective sparkle spackle and faced off against every Mom in the building one last time before closing the books on Season 4.
And what a season it was. Oy vey, the drama.
My boy Jeff Collins was back to nervously host another roundtable discussion/boxing match with the Moms. Sometimes I’m still not sure if he actually watches the show, but it was nice to see that he finally got his pocket square under control. If you’re a tenured Dance Moms fan, you’ll probably remember that last year his suit stuffer was bigger than his head and it really bothered me for the entire episode.
Jeff was also styling in a pair of on-trend skinny leg pants and a bullet proof CNN kevlar vest under his suit coat just to be on the safe side. He seems a little delicate, so after all the throw downs this season I don’t blame him one bit for suiting up like Iron Man.
Full Disclosure: It’s already public knowledge that I have a Love/Hate relationship with these Reunion Shows. No secret there.
Don’t get me wrong. I love seeing the Moms all glammed up, because very last one of them can werk a fancy dress like nobody’s bidnezz. Whether you think some of them play dirty or not…they all clean up nice. Really nice.
But after four seasons, I still can’t figure out the location of the bunker where they film these things and where on Earth they find all these infomercial audience participants.
Oooh. Aaaah. It can make hot soup AND ice cream? Take my money now.
This year the set was decorated with the same chandelier (…subliminal Sia advertising, anyone?…) silhouette wall clings they sell at Urban Outfitters. I saw them on sale during Back-To-School, so I’m sure Lifetime got a sweet deal on a full case of decals. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole audience went home with a new Vitamix blender and a couple of removable stickers. Thanks for playing!
As always, Jeff and Abby started the show with a quick one-on-one to lay out some of the backstory before the Moms hit the couch.
Since Abby always wears a minimum of one reflective accessory per outfit per day, it was hard to tell if she had actually put any extra effort into glamming herself up for the Reunion. I think she did, though, because she wasn’t wearing a plastic headband.
Jeff and Ms. Miller talked briefly about Nationals, the Original Recipe Team, the New Recipe Team and Maddie Maddie Maddie. And then Maddie.
And speaking of. Maddie was the first to come out on set in a pretty little age appropriate dress, all smiley and oddly shy at the same time.
Something about her always reminds me of what would happen if you put Audrey Hepburn and Asia Monet Ray into that free Vitamix blender and set it on Ice Crush.
I think it’s the combination of Asia’s little signature head bun and something else that escapes me right now. Maybe it was Maddie’s dress at last season’s Girl Talk Special. I dunno. But that’s what Maddie always reminds me of, in case anyone cares.
We discovered that Maddie had gotten a tweet from Sia (…1, 2, 3 Drink!…) and immediately jumped on a plane and learned the entire music video dance in two hours.
Really. That’s how it happened. And now she’s got a freakin’ MTV Music Video trophy on the shelf next to her My Little Pony collection.
Hellz To The Yeah I’m checking my Twitter account every ten minutes from now on.
Abby also pimped out her own new book before sending Maddie back into the Green Room. I swear the book must have been propping up a short table leg or something, because she yanked it out of thin air so fast that I don’t even know where it came from.
Side note: Transitions aren’t really Jeff’s thing, so for the rest of the episode he just kind of jumped from subject to subject whenever things got uncomfortable. It’s not me.
Next out on stage was Holly! We love Dr. Beyoncé.
(And to the twerp that called me out on Twitter for comparing Holly to a pop star…der. If you had actually been reading this mess of a site for the last couple of years you’d know I’m only referring to her breathtaking makeover, not her twerking. I know what ‘Doctorate’ stands for, thank you very much. If you like it than you should have put a PhD on it.)
Holly was a stunner in a long yellow gown that kinda sorta reminded me of a cross between Belle from Beauty and The Beast and something you might wear for the talent portion of the 2015 Mrs. Pittsburgh Pageant. Hint.
(Where she could totally rock the Single Ladies dance, mmmkay?)
Jeff got right into the whole WhiteBoardgate controversy, complete with a flashback to when Abby declared that at 12 years old, Nia was already at the age where she could easily get married and start having lots of babies.
Wait. What? Yeah. You remember that one.
Holly lost her noodle back then, and she lost it again this time.
But in complete level headed HollyStyle. She. Shut. It. Down.
Pointing and getting all VoiceOfReason and OhNoYouDin’t at the same time while hushing the entire audience when they dared laugh along with Abby, Holly was in charge.
I even put my phone on Mute because I was afraid she’d start yelling at me if I got any calls during the show. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.
Holly don’t play. And when she points at you? Game Over.
Side note: In between all the action, there were also some dance numbers, both group and solo. I’m not discounting any of them, I’m just trying to keep this thing under a four hour read so you can all get back to Facebook.
Next out on set was Christi, in her multi-tiered white wedding cake gown. I could totally picture how cool that dress would be if each level had a hula hoop hemmed into the seams and it whipped around when she got mad like something on Star Trek.
I don’t even think Christi’s butt was on the couch before she and Abby started going at it like pit bulls. The kind with rabies that chew through their leashes.
If you could take any hallway fight scene from this past season and imagine it being performed in ball gowns, that’s pretty much how the confrontation went down between Chloe‘s Mom and Abby this week.
When Melissa‘s name got dragged into the discussion, she even came out from the shadows looking mighty fine in a red sparkly ensemble to try and prove to Holly and Christi that she doesn’t live a Privileged Life.
It didn’t go so well.
Especially when Abby started whispering to Melissa and Holly just stopped talking until she got the R-E-S-P-E-C-T that Aretha said she deserves. Don’t make her hush this audience again. Because she will.
We also never really found out if Christi and Chloe are gone, though. I mean ‘Gone’ Gone. Like…for good.
I know how the finale ended and what all the online chat rooms are saying. (If I creeped online chat rooms, I mean.) But nobody at the Reunion actually came out and said IT…so who knows.
After all the craziness of this season, I need to see it actually scroll across the bottom of the screen or have their faces pixelated off the opening credits before I bury the bodies.
We love that little Chloebird, BTW.
Side note: With one hand up and one hand on the (bleepin’) censor button, I swear that hallway and back alley MamaDrama (…and maybe an occasional front desk fisticuff…) is the best. The Best.
Somewhere around this point my MomCrush Jill almost missed her cue and never even came out on set. I don’t what the heck she was doing back there, but she seemed pretty surprised when Jeff called her name.
Her pastel glitter ball dress gave me some Life, hunty. Life, I tell you.
After a little more Abby-Bashing and about 32 seconds of MackZ‘s “Shine” video, Jeff finally got up the nerve to mention new and even louder Mom Christ-y with a ‘Y.‘
Her flashbacks, tho. Is it Garbage Day already?
After being cut from both ALDC Teams so many times that I needed Holly’s White Board to keep track, Christ-y was finally so devastated that she didn’t even bother showing up for this week’s Reunion. On Party Dress Day. Bummer.
I was kind of looking forward to some Feisty Christ-y Moments, but it’s probably better that tiny Sarah didn’t have to be put through any more emotional scarring. I’m no doctor, but I can’t imagine that it’s very good for your brain cells to take in so much oxygen every time you hiccup cry.
And then Tami came out and the episode momentarily went into 3D Mode.
Not gonna lie. I’m kind of mad at Melissa, because I totally wanted to say “Holy Boobage, Batman” but she beat me to it when Tami came out of the shadows.
The Password Is: Whoa. And another Whoa for the other one.
Wearing some kind of green shrink-wrapped cut-out superhero dress that exposed all her…umm…superhero stuff, I guess…Tami joined the Moms to discuss her front desk beatdown of Christ-y.
I love Tami. I really do.
But don’t mess with her, because she will smack the pants right off you.
(Special shout-out to Director Jimmy for dropping down through the air duct during that chick fight to try and pull the two of them apart without losing an eye. And if that other guy in the Where’s Waldo rugby doesn’t get some kind of Presidential sumthin sumthin for serving his country in the middle of that lady battle, I might just lose all faith in America.)
Tami has no regrets. Bitch touched me first.
I’m pretty sure Tracey might have a few more regrets, since she still has no hair in that one spot where Tami snatched her head while attempting to connect with Christ-y’s face.
And Melissa? She was dying to swipe her ATM card right down the center of Tami’s boobage. You could totally tell. MamaZ had that same face you get when there’s no line for Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry’s.
Then the rest of the New Moms joined the party.
Tracey was still trying to hide her bald spot. Jodi had enough estate jewelry on to attend the Oscars. And Loree ‘VoteForMyHusband’ Cloud clearly thought she was a guest on Meet The Press again.
It was classic Old vs. New while Jeff doodled on his index cards. (Do you think there’s really anything written on them? I wonder some times.)
After an awkward flashback where we got to relive Abby ripping the track jacket right off Ava‘s body and then kicking her out the ALDC back door, Mom Jeanette came out in a (…totally not from Forever 21…) tight and right red mini dress to get all up in Abby’s face.
For 27 seconds max. I swear.
Which was just long enough for Christi without a ‘Y’ to swear at her before she left.
Really. Just like that. I don’t even think Jeanette’s taxi driver had time to shut off the engine before she was back outside with all her luggage.
But Jeff had saved the Best For Last. He said that.
Cue the Boo’s, because it was time for Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein to come out and represent the Candy Apples contingent. I’m pretty sure she’s a Side Sleeper.
The Left Side, if you know what I mean.
As soon as she hit the lights, Cathy was all over Abby. And vice versa.
They fought over who was the rudest dance company owner. They fought over what ‘avant garde’ really means. They fought over who did the best ‘Chandelier’ dance. They even flashbacked to that infamous hallway fight that occurred after Cathy and Brigette Triana talked through an entire ALDC performance.
Side note: I’d like to apply for the Subtitle Editor’s job that is probably vacant after the guy misspelled Brigette’s name while they were whispering. Did you pick up on that? Cuz he sure didn’t. How does that even happen?
That’s almost as bad as last night’s Nancy Grace broadcast where she kept showing Kendall‘s face with Paige Hyland‘s name under it during the Dance Mom Kelly story.
If I don’t get the Subtitle job you know I’m applying for the open spot in the HLN Research Department. Get it together, people.
And then Jeff finished off the Reunion with the Biggest News Evah. Which was actually last week’s Biggest News Evah. Hate to burst his bubble.
Abby was opening ALDCLA. Which we already knew.
But it still got that one dude in the audience pretty excited, because he did a Fist Pump.
And then it was over. For another season.
Who knows what next year will bring. Only time will tell.
For now, we know that Holly looks amazing in yellow.
And all the other Moms like really sparkly things.
Can’t believe it’s over already. I had fun. Hope you did, too.
Now we just wait. I can finally get to bed early on a Tuesday night and the rest of you can try reading a book or something.
I thought I was pretty hilarious, if I do say so myself.
What did you think, Melissa?
And on that note…if you haven’t already, you can fill some of that DanceMomsVoid by checking out Toddrick Hall‘s “Freaks Like Me” music video.
Holly and Jill dance.
And that’s pretty much all you need to know.
See you in Season 5, suckahs.