Toddlers & Tiaras: Holy Pageant Panic, Batman! When It’s Heroes vs. Villains, Only The GemStars Can Save The Day.

September 9th, 2016

listen

 

 

Bitch, I know you got my crown and I’m coming for you as soon as I finish this juice box.

 

 

augh

 

 

If the Fair Pageant Bureau finds out I’ve been claiming dental deductions for fake teeth…

 

 

wire

 

 

Pageants are like the Mob. They keep pulling you back in. And now they want me to wear a wire.

 

v

 

 

Now I’m not talking smack about other Moms, but I think a few husbands are riding hogs, too.

 

dont

 

 

That mask gave me such a headache. Every time I open my eyes, I swear all I see are cows.

 

 

shoe2

 

 

I don’t know what’s in that wine glass, but I just realized I’m only wearing one shoe. Hit me.

 

 

ps

 

 

Pardon my potty mouth, but I’m ’bout to make this pixy stick my bitch.

 

 

 

With apologies to Bonnie Tyler.

And Bruce Wayne, of course.

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I need a hero.

I’m holding out for a hero till the end of the night.

And a crown.  Duh.

Heroes vs. Villains.

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It’s the pageant Mesa, AZ deserves.

But not the one it needs right now.

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Or is it?

Don’t touch that dial, cuz we’re about to find out.

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When we last saw our heroes, Sassy Supremes Pageant Coach Jaimie had just convened an emergency Sassy Meeting of Team Sassy over at stately Sassy Manor to address the controversy surrounding Soon-To-Be Not So Sassy Mom Kim‘s decision to (…maybe or maybe yes…) take tiny Selyse across enemy lines and join forces with Cambrie’s Court.  Because she was totally thinking of doing that.

Which, as previously discussed, is one of the top…if not THE top…No No in Pageant Land, followed closely by not properly maintaining your French Tips and thinking for one moment that this blog has any credibility in the Pageant World.

Right, Cambrie?

hh2She’s #Goals, BTW.

And she was totally in the process of giving this blog a thumbs up, despite what the screenshot may or may not imply.

Side note:  Can we just clear up, once and for all, the online controversy regarding her embroidered track jacket crest, please?

trump-plane-10

It’s not the same crest stitched onto the head rests in Donald Trump‘s airplane, even though the lady in the infomercial did kinda sorta look like Cambrie, which is probably how all this confusion began in the first place.

Look.  14K Gold clickers.

originalQ.  Shouldn’t she have her seat belt buckled during takeoff?

Look.  A giant Princess Crown that’s way bigger than yours.

cll

Q.  Shouldn’t she be wearing more clothes?

Again.  #Goals.

True Fact:  I plan to heart Cambrie right up until the day somebody wearing a suit or badge physically hands me an actual restraining order, because just threatening to do it on Facebook doesn’t count.

Anyway.

comic_graphics_impacts_previmage

Back at stately Sassy Manor, things were not going well at all.

It was approximately 295 to 1 as all the Sassy Moms ganged up on Kim during their Sassy Mom-tervention.  And it wasn’t pretty.

There were so many New Moms on cell phones and Old Moms on cell phones and one Dad Jimmy with so many drinks in front of him…

dad

…that the whole thing spun out of control so fast I’m not even sure where to start.

Long story a little shorter, nobody wanted Kim on the Team anymore.

Especially Bow Tie Mom Megan, who wasn’t wearing a bow tie this week…

bow2…and Mom Katie, who immediately got all Real Housewives on Kim’s a** like…

bf3Which made another copycat Mom get all like Yeah, What She Said”

tumblr_mvdh1kpzc91rh4wd8o1_400…without even looking up from the lengthy pageant application form she was filling out.

Spoiler Alert:  Thank Gawd I don’t have to send in a birth certificate.

Naturally, in true Toddler 2.0 fashion, every single Mom started in on Kim.  I forget their names, because they’re still pretty new to everybody.  But I love them all.

And their Felicia Game was on point.

There was the one who wanted Kim gone so bad she almost broke a hip.6359572984704414631803357613_byefel

And the one who was too cool to even say the words.
tumblr_inline_mmuikb1q9r1qz4rgpAnd the one who I personally felt was wearing too much makeup for such an early hour.tumblr_mwtco7tntn1qde4uko1_500But I’m not here to judge.  Just report the facts.

Interior Design Note:  One of the drawbacks to being in the Pageant World is that you always end up with one room in your home completely devoid of all furnishings except sparkle window sheers and carpeting covered in black electrical tape ‘Xs.’

Am I right?

Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing until you try to entertain.  Which explains why Jaimie and Kim ended up sitting on the floor discussing Selyse’s future while everyone else towered over them waving arms and iPhones like those inflatable whacky arm balloon people you always see in front of used car dealerships.

gr-kite-banner-sign#ByeFelicia.

And if there’s one thing they taught me at Trump University, it’s to always maintain eye level contact with your prey.  So you know Kim didn’t stand a chance in this negotiation.

Disclaimer:  Despite two Trump mentions in the first scene, this in no way implies an endorsement for either candidate in this year’s election.

#America.

When it was all said and done, Kim was out.

Which was just fine with Katie, who smoothly transitioned from #ByeFelicia to #TalkToTheHand without even skipping a beat.

sshhhbf2I know, right?  Nothing shuts a bitch up like a good ’90s reference.

the-handIs it really only the third episode?  Because I swear I could almost—

l_c9e79910a82d97683b678d45275219ef

We never did get an answer, tho, on what exactly was happening with this dog.

dog

Is he in Time Out?  Is he ok?  What’s even happening right now?

It’s a dog, right?

Somehow in the midst of all this hilarity, we still had time to scoot to Vegas and check out #InnovationNation All My Ladies #GetInFormation Dance Studio…tumblr_o27oxb4ntm1rv4aqro1_500innbeyonce-superbowl…where Cambrie was laying down the law for this week’s pageant.

Nothing much happened there.

Except for maybe the part when Mom Deb said that all the complainers should just stop complaining and go make cuter babies with someone better looking than their husbands.

Because she totally said that.  Maybe not just like that.  But pretty close.

We.  Love.  Deb.

You remember her.  She’s Jayliana‘s Mama.

Yaaaaaas, Mama!

tumblr_nzglgj7rmt1qlvwnco1_500Jayliana’s the little nugget who got all like…

bowww…when Miss Cambrie tried to make her wear a hair bow from the Mall.

Look at Solange just pushing that blonde chick outta the way when the beat dropped.

jay#NaturalHairDontCare.tumblr_nzglgj7rmt1qlvwnco1_500This kid is gold.  Literally.

This week the gang was head to the Heroes vs. Villains Pageant in Mesa, AZ…which was sponsored by GemStars…which was run by Jaimie’s Mom Debbie in an awkwardly incestuous kind of low score sheet way.

What could possibly go wrong?  Hold that allegedly rigged thought.

Because eventually, we actually met some of this week’s contestants.

zap

First up was 4 year old Cadence and her two Moms.  Dat’s rite.  Count ’em.

Mom #1, Amy, initially set off my CrazyAlarm, but it was a false alarm.

crzytumblr_nzglgj7rmt1qlvwnco1_500I know, right?

Mom #2, Julie, had Todd Bailey‘s old Boy Band hair and got pretty emotional over her expansive cow collection, which was totally understandable.

Because It.  Was.  Awesome.

cowscow3Look.  There’s another one over there.  Omigod.  They’re everywhere.

cow2

Kidding.

Turns out that she was actually choked up over her baby Cadence.  Who was adorbz.

And who had been diagnosed with cancer before even being born and was their Miracle Baby and if you didn’t get a little teary eyed while she told the story, then Imma need you to just leave now and beat traffic.  Cuz I love me some Moms who love their kids so much that they Ugly Cry on national television.

Amy and Julie are even more awesome than their cows.  I mean…look at ’em.

moms2werk3Anyone else think that aquarium could use some water?

fishContestant #2 was 9 year old Piper, Katie’s daughter.

That picture big enough?

piperPiper is a straight up #PageantPro who looks exactly like a CNN anchor in her glitz photos and has no intention of coming in Second Place…ever.  She knows her shizz and has a stash of GemStars sashes that almost knocked Julie’s cows from the Top Spot.

pip

Mom Katie, who we already met at Jaimie’s house…table

…spent most of her time outside on the picnic table, looking like she was singing a duet about some long distance relationship gone awry with Miranda Lambert‘s ex-husband.

We got plenty of juicy scoop and wet poop (…you see that?  That horse was nasty…) on the upcoming pageant and all things Facebook from Katie before heading inside to meet Piper’s sister who didn’t want to participate in the upcoming festivities.

This is Harlie, who looks like Piper and just wasn’t having any of it this week.

nopeUnfortunately, the downpayment check was already in the mail.  So you’re doing it.

No slight to Harlie, but as any true Toddlers & Tiaras fan knows, if you not doing it…this is how you let them know you’re not doing it, ‘kay?

Cuz this girl ain’t doing it.

tumblr_mez99lggyz1rt1rl9#Iconic.

Side note:  Do you think they even know there’s someone behind the refrigerator?

popLooks like Piper just figured it out.

We traced the calls.  They’re coming from inside the house.

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Jaimie said Piper was going to make that stage her Bitch.  So there was that.

Moving on, we left whining Harlie behind and revved up a shiny new Harley over at 6 year old Kaylee‘s farmhouse.

bikeThat’s Mom Becky, who in lieu of a picnic table, straddled a sweet ride the entire time she was being interviewed.  Motorcycle Mama.  She’s a wild child just like her daughter.

fire2Kaylee has a speech thing where she stumbles like Rihanna‘s Umbrella Ella Ella song, but she’s so cute I could overlook it as long as they’re doing what’s right for her behind the cameras.  If that tractor is pink, tho.  I swear…

Becky did this alot…

v3

….which made her look like a ’60s Love Child if you Snapchat flowers into her hair and pretend those garage shelves are stocked with drugs instead of whatever all that crap is.

And then this happened.  And I swear I wasn’t even stoned, man.

arrowF’real.

Miss Cambrie showed up in the most archery-inappropriate outfit imaginable to sling arrows into a tipped over front door/dirty mattress target like a Boss.

Just like Katniss from Hunger Games.

If Katniss wore a pink babydoll mini and wedged sling backs,  I mean.

tumblr_mnd730zjxs1rz62vio1_500And teamed up with whoever this is shooting Pokemon.

madoka_shooting_one_arrow_zpsbrt6donpDid I forget to mention that Magician Jackson Rayne showed up?  Because he did.

And not just because Cambrie has THE most random assortment of friends in her Contact List evah (…Dallas Lovato, anyone?…) but also because he was going to train Kaylee in the art of potentially disfiguring pyrotechnics.

Because fire makes everything better, yo.

fireEspecially Glitz Pageants and cosmic battles against Dr. Doom.

tumblr_llg7n74xap1qfiuy9Don’t try either of those things without adult supervision, kids.  Trust me.

To round out the lineup, we jacked our blood sugar to an unsafe level by meeting one of the cutest little niblets to ever grace a temporary Ramada Inn stage.

Five year old Caitlyn, who was so precious I almost blacked out.

dog3

And her Mom Charis, who had more money to burn than Johnny Storm up there.

snatch

Like upwards of $100,000 spent on pageants so far.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxj#AdoptMePlease.

True Fact:  At the last GemStars Pageant, Caitlyn had been robbed of her crown.

Literally.  Like ripped off her head and given to another little girl right there in front of everyone in the ballroom.  And her toys, too.

Actual never-before seen footage:

tumblr_m6v868fgpw1qil395o1_500So now it was Redemption Time.

And I got yo’ numbah, bitch.  Right here in speed dial.callher

Look at how cute she is.  Really.

snatch2Somewhere around here was when Cambrie took all her Court Cuties for a Spa Day.

Because of course.

And it was fun and all, but the only thing that really mattered was when we got to go home with Deb and slam back a few boxes of vino on the couch.

Please tell me you didn’t go get a snack right then, because it was Emmy-worthy.

shoeShe has a wine bottle holder shaped like a shoe.

Or maybe just has her shoe on the table and doesn’t care.

Not to mention about 17 additional bottles on the other end of the couch that didn’t get nearly enough screen time.  But it doesn’t even matter.

Because it’s Deb.  And she’s as awesome as those socks right there.

danceHaters gonna hate.  And then motivate.

Rinse & Repeat.

kapow-1

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time to meet Director Debbie…

debdreamy…who couldn’t believe that everyone already knew Jaimie was her daughter.

And that Jaimie wasn’t really Adele and had just been Jaimie all this time.

And that the Fair Pageant Bureau was a totally made-up company created by somebody using Outlook at a Staples store so the IP address couldn’t be tracked.

Because that totally happened.

Check it out.fpb

That not-sketchy-looking-at-all email right there that Debbie received prior to the event, warning her that Kaylee’s Mom had faked out her daughter’s age on the GemStars application in order to get her into a different age group because the toys are bigger.

Wait.  What?

This whole conspiracy theory just gave me a headache.

maskI feel your pain, Boo.

Bottom line, Becky was stopped at the check-in desk and patted down for Kaylee’s birth certificate, which no normal person would ever have anywhere on their person unless they were going across the border in the middle of the night for cigars.

Debbie wouldn’t let Becky get through security without a birth certificate.

Becky was all like ‘WTF?’

And then it all went downtown.

pow

Will our Pageant Princesses make it to the stage in time?

Who sent the FPB email?

And why is that lady talking into the wrong end of the phone?  Is it just me or aren’t the holes supposed to be on the other end?cellAll those questions…and more…will be answered next week.

Same Toddler Time.

Same Toddler Channel.

#ByeFelicia.

octo-pussoir

 

Toddlers & Tiaras: Safari So Good. It’s Another Rhinestone Rumble In The Jungle, Courtesy Of Baily’s Pageants.

September 1st, 2016

jb

 

 

How can she NOT have Jungle Boogie on replay? It’s like a Kool & The Gang classic. Google it.

 

 

eyes

 

 

It’s my Pageant and I’ll cry if I want to, cry if I want to. You would cry too if it happened to you.

 

 

cry

 

 

 

#DivisionalSucks

 

 

163

 

 

Listen. I don’t care how funny your blog is. Stop creeping me or I swear to Gawd I’m calling the cops.

 

 

a2

 

 

I don’t care if we beat her in the Baby Fell Off The Stage Category as long as we beat her, yo.

 

 

prizes

 

 

Maybe if I’d won that damn car I could put all this loot in the trunk and not have to carry it home.

 

 

crayon

 

 

I know I didn’t just spend $2,000 and lose a wisdom tooth to go home with a giant plastic crayon.

 

 

 

Be careful, kids.

Cuz it’s a Jungle out there.

jungle-book-stampedeA big, loud…1369592766736487013…scary…

lion-king-stampede…sparkly one.

tumblr_lqwkbcbFdy1qfqcmfo1_400And it’s in Shreveport.

Even better.

But don’t blink…

tb4

…or you’ll miss it, because the Toddlers & Tiaras action was so fast paced and heavily caffeinated this week that they had to split Tonya and her Bailey’s Pageants Jungle Safari Extravaganza into two parts.

Sorta.  I think.

Maybe.

Or not so much a Part 2 as just the new way they seem to be doing the show this season.

The Toddler 2.0 Upgrade.  Remember?

upgrade-4 552395928c858226178e1ad0bd06b563Side note:  It’s nice that every show I recap on this site is always upgrading so I can keep using the same two Beyoncé gifs over and over.  Really cuts down on the amount of time I have to spend in the Research Dept.

Side note #2:  Speaking of.  How about Beyoncé on the VMAs this week?

You see dat?

Here’s actual unseen backstage footage of Britney Spears when she realized that she was gonna have to lip sync for her life after Queen Bey’s performance.

1306866467_jumping_out_the_windowSide note #3:  When you Google ‘Bailey’s Pageants’ the search engine sometimes automatically goes to ‘Bailey’s Package Store’ which is hilariously subliminal no matter how you look at it if you know what a package store is.

But anyway.

From what I can tell from previews and what we’ve seen so far, it looks like we’ll be following the same 3 kids all the way from their first televised glitz pageant straight through to their Harvard Graduations, because as we head into the third installment next week, that same Mom with a hole in her tooth is back again.

This one.

ohWe love Kim.  And her little peanut Selyse.

You remember Selyse.  She was the tiny one in the Snuggie getting carried around looking like she was pledging a sorority during Rush Week.

rb3

College Tip #1:  Red Bull Gives You Wings and helps you silently judge girls who only made it this far because their Dad is on the Board of Directors.

When we last met Selyse, she was late for the Beauty Portion because of who knows what and was not allowed to compete in that category.

And Mom was not having it.

Luckily, Tonya has a heart of gold…and an eye patch of Swarovski crystals, FYI…

t21…and let Selyse go up on stage as the final contestant even though the points would only be imaginary, much like Tonya’s never ending stories about how she’s descended from a long line of seafaring pirates.

Tonya kept going on and on about how Selyse shouldn’t be penalized just because her Mama can’t get it together and since she paid to be in the pageant, she should be in the pageant.  Because she paid.  To be in the pageant.

Side note:  Since Selyse is only 3 years old, I’m gonna assume you can pay for these things in Cheerios, because otherwise nothing Tonya said made any sense.  Which is probably why I love her so much.  Ahoy, matey.

So after a quick shot to take the edge off…rb2…Selyse entered Stage Right.  And then immediately exited Stage Left.

Really.  It was that fast.  Thank you, Red Bull.

But then she came back again.  And then left again.

Too bad she didn’t move that fast getting downstairs in the first place.

And you know my Boo Cambrie had a little sumthin to say about that one, mmmkay?cCuz I know that dress don’t fit.

063e174f0ef5b86492ff523de274f8f2.jpgCambrie Littlefield.  #Goals.

We also met Judge Barbie, because of course her name was Barbie.

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And even some Red Bull cans with Barbie legs.

red-bull-cans-art-02

The Circle of Life.

As all that hilarity was ensuing, Toddler #2 was upstairs just tryna get her face did.

Kallyn was a little behind schedule in the makeup chair, thanks in part to Kim’s unorganizational skills and now Mom Megan and Coach Jaimie were starting to stress bag a bit.

You remember Megan and Jaimie from Episode #1.

Megan is the Mom who wore that giant bow tie and Jaimie is the coach who always goes head-to-head with Cambrie and gets the split screen treatment every week to make certain we know they hate each other.

clinton-trump-splitscreen-1200x847

Look at all the Red Bull.rb

Disclaimer:  I don’t think they really hate each other.  Jaimie and Cambrie, I mean.

I think it’s just the competitive world of Kiddie Pageantry and the fact that TLC lets Cambrie change outfits a minimum of four times between each commercial while Jaimie has to just sit in that ’50s Diner bathroom and pretend she’s Adele.

jj2Hello?  Am I wrong?  I don’t think so.

adele

Lilly was next on stage, totally rocking her Kardashian Kontouring.  A+

She was on point even though one judge thought her fabric was cheap.

And then her Mom Amber cried again.  Because that’s kind of her thing.

cry2

Well, that.  And making Popeye Faces.gifpopeye andloiveg

popWhich was actually supposed to be a Jungle Roar, but it came off more like I Yam What I Yam.  Which is ok, because she’s a Proud Pageant Mama and we love her.

With the new 2.0 Upgrade, the pageant portion of the show is not as seamless as it used to be, so if we get a little choppy…it’s not my fault.  Kids are on stage, then off stage, then in the lobby and then the hotel rooms and then the hotel’s restaurant where there’s kids climbing the infrastructure of the building like Ninjas and then we’re back on stage again.

Check out Backwards Hat Guy, looking like he’s never seen a sequined jungle princess in full makeup practicing military maneuvers at an IHOP before.

I swear that’s Michael Phelps.

restQ.  How does that restaurant make any money when every table is empty?

Kallyn froze in her Beauty portion, which was not good.  And then we finally got a closeup on tiny Jaquelynne, who we only kinda sorta met last week via Skype.

She is so cute I can’t stand it.

Doesn’t she look like she’s about to perform an aria from La Bohème?

jFinally, it was Outfit of Choice time!

Jungle Wear.

tumblr_inline_nmn7mlZtWg1qddzt0_540

And one Mermaid, for some reason.

tumblr_nixaq58Las1s5anqko1_500Don’t ask.

Selyse was on time for this one, but Mom didn’t have any music for her routine which made Tonya do this again…
tb4…as she tried to explain how things work in Pageant Land.

NewsFlash:  “Can’t you just throw on some Jungle Boogie and let her shake it for a prize?” hasn’t worked since they shut down Studio 54, honey.  Trust me.

No music?  Really?

Whathoo think Todd‘s thinking right now?

t

Probably the same thing this chick’s thinking.

seAnd this guy.

tumblr_m8tg57Jhra1rxey2io1_500No music, f’real?

Luckily, as we all know by now, Tonya never leaves the house without at least one 8 Track in her Louis Bag.  So crisis averted.  TB saved the day.

Meanwhile, Lilly, all decked out in her Wall-Crawling Safari Queen outfit, took off down the hotel hallway in the wrong direction thinking that she was headed to the stage.

Been there.  Done that.

Given that my own personal motto has always been that anything longer than 3 feet is either a runway or a stage, I gave her a pass because Girlfriend werked it right into that dead end fire door like a D.I.V.A.

Plus, her music was going to be 4 different cuts all remixed into who knows what.

I know, right?

Hey, Mr. DJ…put the wrong record on.  I wanna dance with my baby.

dj

Because that’s totally what happened.

Mom handed over the wrong CD and they ended up playing the 12″ extended mix version of some Wiggles jungle thingamajig that gave the judges enough time to hit the restrooms and check their Twitter feeds to make sure everyone was home watching them on TV.

And then of course Amber cried again.

soapWhich is ok, because I’m a softy, too.

Especially in the movie ET when the plant starts dying in the flower pot and the part at the end when this happens…

giphy-1

Kallyn was a Safari Girl, which I guess is somehow different than a Safari Queen, and froze on stage when she forgot her moves.  Jaimie called her a Hot Mess and even Hashtagged it, so you know she meant business.

And then tiny Jaquelynne hit the stage in her Pink Panther routine and proceeded to rip her own tail off and do party tricks.  Really.

ppHashtag:  That’s Gotta Hurt.

This is her Mom, BTW.

jmAnd this is her Mom taking selfies with a lady who looks like she should be selling Philosophy skincare on QVC.  I don’t know why.  She just does.

selfieAnd then it was time for Crowning!

Look at how excited Todd and his Bro Squad got.

pumpDwightFistPumpData-Star-Trek-Fist-PumpSince the only thing more confusing to me than Dance Moms Rules are Toddler Pageant Rules, don’t quote me on any of this as I break it down for you.

Because it’s hard.

Like math.tumblr_inline_n6jq0m1pd81rlkg4z

The only thing I really know is that a Toddler contest is the one contest in the Universe where you don’t want to win anything, because then you can keep moving on up not winning things until you finally win something and then get to go home.

Side note:  Are we just not going to talk about Cambrie’s makeup person?

mupBecause that makeup person right there needs to get mic’d and have a spin-off show asap.  I don’t even know what’s happening right now.

And doesn’t Cambrie look like that country western lady who always sings in front of a barn?  I forget her name.

cl

But I know that Cambrie is #Goals.

Selyse won some early stuff, which didn’t make her Mom very happy at all.

Because you know.  Rules.

Lilly won Personality Supreme, which her Mom thought was crap.

lilly

Because the last thing you want is your child to have a personality.

And then…well, you know.

41806-Emma-Stone-are-you-crying-gif-71rm

Jaqueline won Beauty Photo Supreme, which her Mom also thought was crap.

Because the last thing you also want is a good looking kid.  Am I right?

crownFor a prize that sucked, she sure got a lot of that crap.  Tonya hooked her up.

trunkQ.  Is that a pig or a bear?

Kallyn got Face of 2016, which is somehow not the same thing as Jaquelynne’s Beauty Photo Supreme even though they both seemed to require a face to participate.  Whatever.

And then all the Moms got Most Mama Drama Certificates in 14K gold frames.  They just didn’t show it on TV.  But it happened.  I swear.

Bottom line, the goal of this whole thing was to win a car.

Not as lame as a jungle one.

jtutLhC

But not as cool as this one.price-is-right-new-car-fail

More like a Barbie one.

But not like this one, either.

b

You get the idea.

But it doesn’t really even matter, because some girl that wasn’t even featured on the show swooped in out of nowhere and snatched that car out from under all the other little girls we had just gotten so emotionally invested in…but she deserved it.  She was cute.

And she sat in it like she was The Grand Marshall for the Toys ‘R Us Parade.

Bonus:  She was one of Cambrie’s girls, which really stacked the deck in her favor.

So you do the math.

When it was all over, Kim was pretty much at her wit’s end with Adele.

jaimie

She just wasn’t feeling the love or support from her coach, so she proceeded to stalk Cambrie in the back hallway to pick her brains about switching teams, which is one of the 3 major NO NOs in the pageant biz, right after believing anything you read in this blog and not rinsing out your flipper as soon as you get home.

163

I hope Cambrie was calling the front desk to get some security up to Room 163, because that door’s not even shut.  What if Cher is in there stealing all of Cambrie’s tie dye Bob Mackie stuff?  That s*** ain’t cheap.

Bottom line, Cambrie agreed to a consultation TBD and then scooted out of their before she got caught sleeping with the enemy.  #Goals.

And then it was really over.

Except for a little snippet of next week when the whole Sassy Supreme Team does some kind of Mom-tervention with Kim where they’re smacking her around for going behind their backs with Cambrie’s Court.

It looked crazy.  Like this.

dawn-planet-of-the-apes-2

Or even crazier, maybe.  Like this.

momBut I guess we’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we?

It’s a jungle out there.

Told ya so.

RAWR.

ppp

Toddlers & Tiaras: Git It Gurrrrl! That’s Right…It’s Time To Sparkle And Spray Again, Baby. They’re Baaaaaaack!

August 25th, 2016

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I swear.  Some of these Mamas get me so stressed out I could almost blink.

 

 

bowww

 

 

I know you’re not gonna ask me to put on some cheer bow from Claire’s when my hair is on point.

 

 

bow2

 

 

If she don’t want it, I’ll take it. Bows are kinda my thing…

 

 

tracks

 

 

Somebody better start blending, cuz I’m not leaving the house with my tracks showing.

 

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Telling you right now I’m not missing Leg Day cuz some crazy Mama can’t read a damn clock.

 

 

mouth

 

 

Look! I literally filled my own cavity with a big bag of sequins from Michaels. This s*** just got real.

 

 

 

Buckle up that car seat, kids.

Make sure the lid on your sippy cup is secure, too.

And you might wanna even take out that flipper so you don’t choke on it.

Because…yes.

tumblr_n5hcm3Cd9y1qlvwnco1_500Yaaas.

tumblr_o52nnutCWg1rlafseo1_400Yaaaas.

dsghfdsgfhAnd just…yes.

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Toddlers & Tiaras is back.

And it’s back with a vengeance.

The dry spell is over.  After disappearing from television screens for a long 3 years, all the glitz, glam and go-go juice is back in our face.  But with an upgrade.

It’s Toddlers 2.0.

Or what we like to call the Dance Mom-ization of the Free World.

ezgif.com-cropMore Noise.  More Mama Drama.

More crazy Moms (…Spoiler Alert…) sprawled out all over the furniture being crazy.  Then some more noise.  And then some more Mama Drama.

And, if time allows between commercials, maybe even some tiny kids trying to balance ginormous sparkle crowns on their heads.

Side note:  Srly?  Three years later and we still haven’t found a way to make headgear that…I dunno…actually fits a head?  How many unaired scenes involving the Jaws of Life do you think we’ve missed over the years?

Look at this poor kid.  A headband, a hair bow, a ponytail, two hands and the thing still won’t stay on her head.  What the h***?  She’s like 17 pounds soaking wet.

crwThere’s starving Vegas Showgirls out there who could use those crystals.

I love this show, BTW.

And now it’s back.  And just in time.

After months of getting in and out of my bathing suit after all those summer BBQs…

pricklylegs.tumblr1…nobody was happier to see this show return than me.

Except for maybe Cambrie Littlefield.

Because she’s reeeeaaaallly into pageants.  Like…really.

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You remember Cambrie.  We heart her.

She’s the pageant coach owner of Cambrie’s Court School for Gifted Pageant Girls in Las Vegas, which I swear used to be called Cambrie’s Cuties before the 2.0 Upgrade.

Even Cambrie herself got an upgrade.  Dang, gurl.

Last time we saw Cam I think she was in some country bar or something doing pretty feet in thigh high boots.  If we’re being honest, my DVR taped over all the old T & T episodes with new General Hospitals, so I can’t go back and research my facts.

But I don’t think I’m making that part up.  Or I could be.

But we love her no matter what.  She’s sassy.

Look at her kicking it like some Real Housewife of Nevada in a Reunion Show dress that’s cut almost all the way up to the Vegas Strip.

cll

giphy-1A self-proclaimed Pageant Goddess since the age of 2 who can’t keep a Second Place trophy OR a Man, Cambrie is #Goals.

Moving on down the road a bit to Phoenix, we next met pageant coach, Jaimie.

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She’s sassy, too.

Except I hope she’s trademarked her sass.

Or at least the Sassy Supremes logo on her biz cards.

For some reason they filmed all her confessionals in what looked like some kind of set for a high school production of Grease.  Not sure what that was all about since Cambrie was shot in about 14 different locations with 14 different cocktails.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who noticed that.

Here’s Cambrie staying hydrated in a Crate & Barrel showroom.

clI love her even more now.

Freshen my drink, Jeeves, or I’ll see you in Cambrie’s Court.

As part of the 2.0 Upgrade, there’s more of a focus on rival pageant coaches, which was demonstrated through one of those CNN Election Center split screens.

ss107Oh, yeah.  It’s on.

The first little nugget we met was 4 year old Kallyn and her Mom Megan, who was spread out like it was her day job on one of those giant couches that looked like it should come with a built-in cup holder.

Look at her.

megAnd then look at her again.

legsIs she wearing one of those bow ties that squirt water?

Needless to say, I immediately fell in love with her.

tumblr_m7wjveEFz71r4ghkoo1_400Disclaimer for those of you who’ve never had the pleasure of this blog:  Relax.

It’s all in fun.  I love every single Kid and Mom that’s ever been on this show.  Nothing is ever done to be mean.  It’s called Reality TV for a reason.

Just ask Paisley‘s Mom.  Who I probably traumatized more than any other Mom.

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Q. What ever happened to them, anyway?

They were supposed to meet me at P.F. Chang’s like 4 years ago.

They probably gave away our table by now.

Anyway.

Kallyn had on the best ‘Hot Mess’ shirt evah, accessorized with these giant gold pearls that were big enough to keep her afloat should she ever fall overboard.

Look at my dab.

dab

81eb2548668087cd277add7939ac469eUnfortunately, they couldn’t protect her from the hazards of that whatchamacallit playground thing that spins you around until you puke.

Because Puke Happened.

Luckily, it happened before Jaimie showed up with about 20 feet of garden hose looking like she was there to clean the pool.  Look at her.

poolTurns out it was a mobile spray tan machine.  My bad.

Because it wouldn’t be Toddlers & Tiaras without somebody getting a couple coats of Krylon in the kitchen, right?

Side note:  Anyone else notice that as soon as Mom jumped off the couch to greet Jaimie, some man took over her spot like one of those Grammy Award seat fillers?  I’m gonna assume that it was Kallyn’s Dad in the pink shirt, because Real Pageant Men Wear Pink.

Side note #2:  One of my all-time favorite parts of this show has always been the random assortment of nameless children and pets that appear and disappear at whim in the background as the plot thickens.  Check out this shot where there’s so much going on that I had to pause the Xfinity box to take it all in.

scene

You got a dog thinking there’s Milk-Bones in the pool pack, about to get konked in the head.  You got Kallyn’s Jazzercise headband and Joan Collins necklace.  You got Jaimie losing her grip on the oxygen hose about to konk the previously mentioned dog in the head.  And there’s even some other kid way back there in the West Wing holding up a baby like they’re performing the opening song from The Lion King.  What is that even all about?

And how does that even happen in Real Life?

Side note #3:  Jaimie charges $55 an hour to carry around all crap.

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I’m in the wrong biz.

Either before or after getting her extensions clipped in for a test-drive (…I forget…) Kallyn got her tongue spray tanned and then Mom rattled off all the recent pageant goodness that totaled up to approximately $2,500 in America dollars.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjI’m seriously in the wrong biz.

The second contestant we met was 3 year old Selyse and her Mom Kim.

Here she is from an upcoming episode of TLC‘s new show Pageant Baby Hoarders:

waldoCan you even find her?  She’s so cute you really need to make the effort.

It’s like the best Where’s Waldo? ever.

Selyse was Kim’s Surprise Birth Control Baby, which I’m assuming meant that she either came as a Gift With Purchase down at Walgreen’s or the pills didn’t do what the doctor said they would do when he wrote the prescription.  Ouch.

Mom didn’t spend much time clarifying the talking points.

Most likely because she had a tooth ache.  Because she had a hole in her tooth.

Because she spent all her money on a tiny pageant dress that cost more than her wedding gown and now she was just going to have to wait until she blacked out from oral nerve damage since she couldn’t afford any Anbesol to take the edge off.

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Regardless, Selyse was born and she’s so cute you really need to try and find her again.

Oh, wait.  There she is.

w2I believe there were a total of 3 children running around the house, but it was hard to tell.

The one who I assume was the brother even dropped what I initially believed to be an ironing board on Selyse’s head, but it turned out to just be a bunch of PVC pipes shaped like an ironing board that were laying around the house.

Because, of course.

The third and final pageant hopeful this week was 4 year old Lilly and her Mom Amber.  And Grandma, who fell in the backyard mud bog/creek before we even learned her name.

Mom was In.  It.  To.  Win.  It.

To the point where she had already spent upwards of $45,00 in American dollars on pageant gear and dry-cleaning for Nana.  Really.  She said that.

Or most of that, anyway.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjAnd then Cambrie showed up wearing some kind of a cross between a Gladiator Vixen and a Forever 21 mannequin and that tie dye fabric they always use instead of dressing room doors in that store where everything is made out of hemp.

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Am I wrong?  I don’t think so.

Sometimes I swear Cam wears the same size as her clients.  But it’s ok.

Because she’s #Goals.

And she charges $175 for one class.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjCambrie was quick to point out that Jaimie only charges $50+.

But you won’t learn anything.

omggif_zps1bcdb557To burn off some of that snark, we next headed to Cambrie’s Bootcamp Class where everyone was dressed like the Dance Moms Minis.

minisExcept for Jayliana, who refused to wear a stupid gold lamé bow because her hair was looking so fresh.

bowwwShe totally got all like that lady from Bring It!

tumblr_nu0cuxxFiG1tb8iyko1_500Until her Mom scooted her out screaming “I’m Done!” like it really WAS Dance Moms.

tumblr_o0i686Dra91tb8iyko1_500Side note:  Before leaving, Mom made Jayliana recite the 3 things you need in Pageantry:

Smartness.  Beautiful.  And Talent.

Which were so awesomely grammatically nonsensical that if TLC doesn’t give JayBae her own show next year I’m creating a page on Kickstarter.

Somewhere around here was also when Jaimie sent all her little girls to the mall to loiter and perform for random strangers, which sounds way worse than it actually was.

She wanted them to get over their stage fright by physically blocking everyone trying to get into Subway.  And it worked.

Until Selyse didn’t know her routine and got called out in front of everyone, which made Mom lose her nutty right there in front of Radio Shack.

Look at her blocking that total stranger from entering the store.

mall

 Is that even legal?  No wonder they’re going out of business.

With only a day or so to go before the pageant, there was just enough time for Cambrie to invite her BFF Dallas Lovato to come down and show these little peanuts how to be a STAR.  Because that’s what she does.

A few highlights from the visit:

Cambrie made Dallas wear a bow, too.  I don’t care who you are.

dl

Dallas wore a stupid bow, came all the way down from wherever to help out and this was the best scroll the production company could come up with.  Look at her face.

dl2Lilly gave an Emmy worthy performance as a Happy Monkey.

hmAnd then her Mom had a Moment.

oprah-cryingJust.  So.  Proud.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time for my Boo Tonya Bailey to get this whole jungle-themed Bailey’s Pageant extravaganza started.  The Bailey Bunch is in da house!

You remember Tonya.  She did this once for some reason…

tumblr_lxwljjsatX1qb9pa3o1_500-1And even wore a Swarovski encrusted pirate eye patch one time that was way cooler than the one Bob Costas wore when he got Pink Eye during the Olympics.

costas-eye-patch

With the new 2.0 Upgrade, we got a zillion snippets of performances before the show even started (…which was kind of a Brain F*** to be honest…) but it gave Tonya time to lay down some of the rules and regs and to tell these new Pageant Moms to chillax.

tbFrom the Book of Tonya:

“You paid for someone else’s opinion.”

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“If you don’t have the funds, you might wanna find another hobby.”

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“I’m not going bug eyed, am I?”

tb4No, of course not.

clockwork-orangeWell…maybe just a little.

And Todd was back as emcee!!

Dat’s rite, ladies.  Dolla Dolla Bill, yo.

Tonya’s Boy Toy was back and more jacked up than ever, complete with an inflatable monkey tail that was a little distracting given that there were so many kids in the room.

toddI love Todd, too, in that awkward bromance kind of way.  And…yes…technically I suppose he’s probably more of a husband than a Boy Toy, but this recap is already running way too long for me to keep rehashing the whole Season 6 frosted tips situation…

But that was then.  This is now.

Now Todd’s rocking that buzz cut fade on the side with long hair on the top thing that everyone from Jersey keeps posting on their Instagrams.  You go, boyeeeeee.

Less Boy Band, more guy handing out free Quest Bars at GNC.

Todd 2.0.

Needless to say, it wouldn’t be an episode of T & T if there wasn’t some hotel room pregame panic.  And this time it belonged to Selyse, who was dragging a** until Mom pumped some hi-grade Mega Ultimate Supreme Red Bull into her tank.

And it worked.

One Sip.  Ding.

rbTwo Sips.  Ding Ding.

rb2Three Sips.  Ding Ding Ding.

tb4Look at her in her Snuggie.

rb3

Selyse is literally every girl who ever got dumped in college right after getting her hair did.

Unfortunately, the Red Bull didn’t speed up the car enough, because Selyse missed the entire Beauty portion of the pageant.  Like…didn’t even make it up on stage.

Which made Mom do this…

oh2And then this…

ohAnd then it was over.

Really.

That fast.  Over.

Before we even saw anybody do anything on stage.  What?

Nobody said this was gonna be a 2 parter.

I guess that means we gotta do it again next week to see what happens.

Which is fine by me.

Toddlers is back.

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