Toddlers & Tiaras: Holy Pageant Panic, Batman! When It’s Heroes vs. Villains, Only The GemStars Can Save The Day.September 9th, 2016
Bitch, I know you got my crown and I’m coming for you as soon as I finish this juice box.
If the Fair Pageant Bureau finds out I’ve been claiming dental deductions for fake teeth…
Pageants are like the Mob. They keep pulling you back in. And now they want me to wear a wire.
Now I’m not talking smack about other Moms, but I think a few husbands are riding hogs, too.
That mask gave me such a headache. Every time I open my eyes, I swear all I see are cows.
I don’t know what’s in that wine glass, but I just realized I’m only wearing one shoe. Hit me.
Pardon my potty mouth, but I’m ’bout to make this pixy stick my bitch.
With apologies to Bonnie Tyler.
And Bruce Wayne, of course.
I need a hero.
I’m holding out for a hero till the end of the night.
And a crown. Duh.
Heroes vs. Villains.
It’s the pageant Mesa, AZ deserves.
But not the one it needs right now.
Or is it?
Don’t touch that dial, cuz we’re about to find out.
When we last saw our heroes, Sassy Supremes Pageant Coach Jaimie had just convened an emergency Sassy Meeting of Team Sassy over at stately Sassy Manor to address the controversy surrounding Soon-To-Be Not So Sassy Mom Kim‘s decision to (…maybe or maybe yes…) take tiny Selyse across enemy lines and join forces with Cambrie’s Court. Because she was totally thinking of doing that.
Which, as previously discussed, is one of the top…if not THE top…No No in Pageant Land, followed closely by not properly maintaining your French Tips and thinking for one moment that this blog has any credibility in the Pageant World.
And she was totally in the process of giving this blog a thumbs up, despite what the screenshot may or may not imply.
Side note: Can we just clear up, once and for all, the online controversy regarding her embroidered track jacket crest, please?
It’s not the same crest stitched onto the head rests in Donald Trump‘s airplane, even though the lady in the infomercial did kinda sorta look like Cambrie, which is probably how all this confusion began in the first place.
Look. 14K Gold clickers.
Q. Shouldn’t she have her seat belt buckled during takeoff?
Look. A giant Princess Crown that’s way bigger than yours.
Q. Shouldn’t she be wearing more clothes?
True Fact: I plan to heart Cambrie right up until the day somebody wearing a suit or badge physically hands me an actual restraining order, because just threatening to do it on Facebook doesn’t count.
Back at stately Sassy Manor, things were not going well at all.
It was approximately 295 to 1 as all the Sassy Moms ganged up on Kim during their Sassy Mom-tervention. And it wasn’t pretty.
There were so many New Moms on cell phones and Old Moms on cell phones and one Dad Jimmy with so many drinks in front of him…
…that the whole thing spun out of control so fast I’m not even sure where to start.
Long story a little shorter, nobody wanted Kim on the Team anymore.
Especially Bow Tie Mom Megan, who wasn’t wearing a bow tie this week…
Spoiler Alert: Thank Gawd I don’t have to send in a birth certificate.
Naturally, in true Toddler 2.0 fashion, every single Mom started in on Kim. I forget their names, because they’re still pretty new to everybody. But I love them all.
And their Felicia Game was on point.
There was the one who wanted Kim gone so bad she almost broke a hip.
Interior Design Note: One of the drawbacks to being in the Pageant World is that you always end up with one room in your home completely devoid of all furnishings except sparkle window sheers and carpeting covered in black electrical tape ‘Xs.’
Am I right?
Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing until you try to entertain. Which explains why Jaimie and Kim ended up sitting on the floor discussing Selyse’s future while everyone else towered over them waving arms and iPhones like those inflatable whacky arm balloon people you always see in front of used car dealerships.
And if there’s one thing they taught me at Trump University, it’s to always maintain eye level contact with your prey. So you know Kim didn’t stand a chance in this negotiation.
Disclaimer: Despite two Trump mentions in the first scene, this in no way implies an endorsement for either candidate in this year’s election.
When it was all said and done, Kim was out.
Which was just fine with Katie, who smoothly transitioned from #ByeFelicia to #TalkToTheHand without even skipping a beat.
We never did get an answer, tho, on what exactly was happening with this dog.
Is he in Time Out? Is he ok? What’s even happening right now?
It’s a dog, right?
Somehow in the midst of all this hilarity, we still had time to scoot to Vegas and check out #InnovationNation All My Ladies #GetInFormation Dance Studio……where Cambrie was laying down the law for this week’s pageant.
Nothing much happened there.
Except for maybe the part when Mom Deb said that all the complainers should just stop complaining and go make cuter babies with someone better looking than their husbands.
Because she totally said that. Maybe not just like that. But pretty close.
We. Love. Deb.
You remember her. She’s Jayliana‘s Mama.
Look at Solange just pushing that blonde chick outta the way when the beat dropped.
#NaturalHairDontCare.This kid is gold. Literally.
This week the gang was head to the Heroes vs. Villains Pageant in Mesa, AZ…which was sponsored by GemStars…which was run by Jaimie’s Mom Debbie in an awkwardly incestuous kind of low score sheet way.
What could possibly go wrong? Hold that allegedly rigged thought.
Because eventually, we actually met some of this week’s contestants.
First up was 4 year old Cadence and her two Moms. Dat’s rite. Count ’em.
Mom #1, Amy, initially set off my CrazyAlarm, but it was a false alarm.
Mom #2, Julie, had Todd Bailey‘s old Boy Band hair and got pretty emotional over her expansive cow collection, which was totally understandable.
Because It. Was. Awesome.
Turns out that she was actually choked up over her baby Cadence. Who was adorbz.
And who had been diagnosed with cancer before even being born and was their Miracle Baby and if you didn’t get a little teary eyed while she told the story, then Imma need you to just leave now and beat traffic. Cuz I love me some Moms who love their kids so much that they Ugly Cry on national television.
Amy and Julie are even more awesome than their cows. I mean…look at ’em.
That picture big enough?
Piper is a straight up #PageantPro who looks exactly like a CNN anchor in her glitz photos and has no intention of coming in Second Place…ever. She knows her shizz and has a stash of GemStars sashes that almost knocked Julie’s cows from the Top Spot.
…spent most of her time outside on the picnic table, looking like she was singing a duet about some long distance relationship gone awry with Miranda Lambert‘s ex-husband.
We got plenty of juicy scoop and wet poop (…you see that? That horse was nasty…) on the upcoming pageant and all things Facebook from Katie before heading inside to meet Piper’s sister who didn’t want to participate in the upcoming festivities.
This is Harlie, who looks like Piper and just wasn’t having any of it this week.
No slight to Harlie, but as any true Toddlers & Tiaras fan knows, if you not doing it…this is how you let them know you’re not doing it, ‘kay?
Cuz this girl ain’t doing it.
Side note: Do you think they even know there’s someone behind the refrigerator?
We traced the calls. They’re coming from inside the house.
Jaimie said Piper was going to make that stage her Bitch. So there was that.
Moving on, we left whining Harlie behind and revved up a shiny new Harley over at 6 year old Kaylee‘s farmhouse.
Kaylee has a speech thing where she stumbles like Rihanna‘s Umbrella Ella Ella song, but she’s so cute I could overlook it as long as they’re doing what’s right for her behind the cameras. If that tractor is pink, tho. I swear…
Becky did this alot…
….which made her look like a ’60s Love Child if you Snapchat flowers into her hair and pretend those garage shelves are stocked with drugs instead of whatever all that crap is.
And then this happened. And I swear I wasn’t even stoned, man.
Miss Cambrie showed up in the most archery-inappropriate outfit imaginable to sling arrows into a tipped over front door/dirty mattress target like a Boss.
Just like Katniss from Hunger Games.
If Katniss wore a pink babydoll mini and wedged sling backs, I mean.
Did I forget to mention that Magician Jackson Rayne showed up? Because he did.
And not just because Cambrie has THE most random assortment of friends in her Contact List evah (…Dallas Lovato, anyone?…) but also because he was going to train Kaylee in the art of potentially disfiguring pyrotechnics.
Because fire makes everything better, yo.
To round out the lineup, we jacked our blood sugar to an unsafe level by meeting one of the cutest little niblets to ever grace a temporary Ramada Inn stage.
Five year old Caitlyn, who was so precious I almost blacked out.
And her Mom Charis, who had more money to burn than Johnny Storm up there.
Like upwards of $100,000 spent on pageants so far.
True Fact: At the last GemStars Pageant, Caitlyn had been robbed of her crown.
Literally. Like ripped off her head and given to another little girl right there in front of everyone in the ballroom. And her toys, too.
Actual never-before seen footage:
Look at how cute she is. Really.
Because of course.
And it was fun and all, but the only thing that really mattered was when we got to go home with Deb and slam back a few boxes of vino on the couch.
Please tell me you didn’t go get a snack right then, because it was Emmy-worthy.
Or maybe just has her shoe on the table and doesn’t care.
Not to mention about 17 additional bottles on the other end of the couch that didn’t get nearly enough screen time. But it doesn’t even matter.
Because it’s Deb. And she’s as awesome as those socks right there.
Rinse & Repeat.
Finally, it was Showtime!
And time to meet Director Debbie…
And that Jaimie wasn’t really Adele and had just been Jaimie all this time.
And that the Fair Pageant Bureau was a totally made-up company created by somebody using Outlook at a Staples store so the IP address couldn’t be tracked.
Because that totally happened.
That not-sketchy-looking-at-all email right there that Debbie received prior to the event, warning her that Kaylee’s Mom had faked out her daughter’s age on the GemStars application in order to get her into a different age group because the toys are bigger.
This whole conspiracy theory just gave me a headache.
Bottom line, Becky was stopped at the check-in desk and patted down for Kaylee’s birth certificate, which no normal person would ever have anywhere on their person unless they were going across the border in the middle of the night for cigars.
Debbie wouldn’t let Becky get through security without a birth certificate.
Becky was all like ‘WTF?’
And then it all went downtown.
Will our Pageant Princesses make it to the stage in time?
Who sent the FPB email?
Same Toddler Time.
Same Toddler Channel.