Toddlers & Tiaras: Holy Pageant Panic Part Two, Batman! Only Superheroes And Sparkly Things Can Save Us Now.

September 15th, 2016

deb

 

 

Just between us, I lie about my age all the time. It’s the only way to get a discount at Claire’s.

 

shot

 

 

Don’t even tell me those chicks are in my shot, because I am the Queen. You listening to me?

 

 

drink

 

 

Honestly, every time they start crying I just close my eyes and pretend I’m holding a cocktail.

 

 

h

 

 

If the Fair Pageant Bureau wants that certificate, they’re gonna have to pull it back outta my butt.

 

ch

 

 

And now they say I can’t claim any of this as med school tuition just because she’s a fake doctor.

 

 

 

 

I read in Cosmo that if you press right here you can tell if you’re about to have a massive stroke.

 

xray

 

 

 

My new X-Ray Specs are totally gonna help me track down the bitch who stole my crown.

 

 

The mean streets of Mesa are on fire.

Villains are terrorizing the residents with giant hair and hammers.

Heroes are finger kissing and fighting the forces of Evil, trying to regain control of their city.

It’s chaos and contouring, people.  But have no fear.

Because just like that…

kapow-1…they’re back.

Toddlers & Tiaras is here to save the day.

In the nail biting 2nd part of GemStars‘ super-sized Heroes vs. Villains Pageant, it was anyone’s guess who would still be standing when the dust and (…Spoiler Alert…) smoke machine haze cleared before Crowning.

When we last saw our heroes, Mom Becky had just been stopped at the Check-In desk by Director Debbie Graston, who was in the process of both physically and verbally blocking her entrance into the ballroom until Becky could produce a notarized and laminated copy of Kaylee‘s birth certificate.

Because, you know…The Fair Pageant Bureau.

fpbI know, right?  What is that?  Is that even a real thing?

And who sent Debbie that mystery email?  And why did Debbie suddenly take it as gospel that maybe tiny Kaylee wasn’t really 6 years old just because she looks like she’s 10 years old when she’s in hot rollers?

cait4

She looks like she’s 32 when she’s all teased up.  Are we really gonna go there?

cait

Maybe we should check her LinkedIn profile while we’re at it to make sure she didn’t pad her resume that year she worked at Wells Fargo.

Gah, she’s cute.

And how did her Dad keep those sunglasses on the back of his neck the entire episode?  I can’t even keep mine on my face if it gets too humid outside.

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Needless to say, Becky had a copy of Kaylee’s birth certificate right there in her Back To School pocket folder and whipped it out all like…

1365706340988393_animate-1…which shut everybody else up and made my PageantCoachCrush Cambrie start to think that maybe the GemStar cards were already stacked against them.

rhHome Decor Tip:  You can never have too many accessories or boobs in one room.

Nobody told me I needed 3D glasses to watch this show.  But I guess that’s why Cambrie Littlefield is #Goals.  Because she is.  And your argument is irrelevant.

And the entire mantle display can be purchased thru West Elm’s website, FYI.

As you’ll recall, Kim had shown up with her little niblet Selyse, despite the fact that they were currently coach-less thanks to last week’s Sassy Mom-tervention.

bf

No.  YOU talk to the hand.kimBut it didn’t matter.  Because Kim had it all under control even though I believe Selyse’s Snuggie is on backwards.  Or maybe not.  I don’t know.

But I love Kim.  F’realz.wigletAnd she knows that little wiglet goes on her kid’s head, right?  Not her’s?  Cuz I swear…

Side note:  Now you guys all know that everything on this sloppy site is done in fun and I’m easily sloppier than anyone else on any of these shows and most of what I say is straight up made up anyway, right?  Because I would never intentionally go in for the kill.

Ever.

Except for maybe right now.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love me some Jaimie and some Debbie, but you might wanna get the kids out of the room for a few minutes.

stage1

What the F***ing F*** is even F***ing happening on that F***ing stage right now?

Are they blocking a Fire Door?

And what the what is up with those decorations?

Spoiler Alert:  Even Harlie stopped right in the middle of her Beauty Routine to try and figure out what the F*** was going on back there.

fire

Srsly.  Have you ever gone to one of those temporary Mall Halloween stores in the middle of November when it’s their last day before it turns into a temporary Christmas Shop?

And there’s only one person working and all they have left are four cardboard cutouts and the fabric they used to cover up the Radio Shack logo?

That soldier is literally shooting out the kneecaps of a Disney lady.

But I still love you, Jaimie.  Call me.

23-adele-phone-2-w1200-h630 adeleflip-1445785825

And scene.

Moving on, we smoothly transitioned to Queen Cadence, who revealed some secret organization that collects all the unwanted babies that have been tossed out windows and finds them new homes with people that I assume won’t throw them out windows anymore.

Because the Baby Club is a real thing.  Like the FPB.

sel1

Q.  You gonna tell that #PatootieFace there’s no such thing?  I don’t think so.

jcQ.  And you gonna tell that #ProudMamaFace to stop crying?  I don’t think so.

From the minute Cadence his the stage, Mom Julie was a hot mess.

jc1Haters gonna hate, but Amy and Julie are THE best.  Period.giphy-copy-6

The lady behind her is even making the exact same face.  What are the chances?

jcry

With all the waterworks you’d think they could at least top off that aquarium, tho.  fish

Cambrie felt bad that Cadence appeared a little lost on stage, but it gave Ms. Littlefield an opportunity to wear yet another outfit in a confessional.  So there was that.

cbJudge Toniann Rotante wanted more facial expression and had a last name that sounded like spaghetti sauce, so I immediately bonded with her.

Mangia, Mama Mia!  Gimme Face, dahling.

judgegiphy-2Little squirt Selyse was up next and was so cute I wanted to slap somebody.

sel3 kimselsel4Like Piper‘s Mom Katie, maybe, who called Selyse a hot mess.

Violence is never the answer kids, but you know…

kat2One thing I do like about Katie is her hair.

She has that messy hair like when you’re at the club and you see another girl texting your man and you just clip as much as you can out of your face before you throw down so the bitch doesn’t try and yank it out when you drag her across the floor.

That kind of hair.

kat

Ain’t dat rite, Cambrie?

cMmmHmm.  You know dat’s rite.  That’s why Mama wears a bun, yo.

TLC Newsflash:  Cambrie Littlefield….c3

…makes…c6

…winners…c7…mmmkay?

063e174f0ef5b86492ff523de274f8f2-jpgSide note:  Everyone on #TeamHope got iPhones as a bribe to get in the car.

hope“S.O.S.”…SEND.

ph“Dude.  There’s like NO Pokemon in here.  Not even a Squirtle.  This sucks.”…SEND.

ph2Next up was cutie Caitlyn who, as you’ll recall, was going for redemption this week after having her crown snatched right off her head at the last GemStars shindig.

Nobody is took’ed-ing her toys this time.  Ain’t happening.

cait6Somebody needs to prevent this kid from getting any cuter before she warps the Time and Space Continuum on Cuteness and all the ugly people get sucked off the planet.  And that’s not even a joke.

Her hair looked familiar…

melania…but for the life of me, I couldn’t place where I’d seen it before.

donald-melania-trump-bill-hillary-clinton-600When you’re cuter than your pink poodle, is that really fair to the rest of us?poodletoysDid she just snap his neck?

Mom Charis got upset that Caitlyn missed two parts of her routine…

ch…because if you divide the $100,000 that Mama’s spent on pageants so far, that averages out to roughly $50,000 per pinky wave.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjBy the time Kaylee hit the stage, her hair was so big she had to spread her arms out for balance like those high wire people do when they  tip toe across rope tied between two skyscrapers.  Careful, gurl.

kay2It should probably be noted that one judge said Kaylee looked just like a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, but this whole conversation could go wrong in so many ways that I think it’s best if we just move on.  #GoTeam.  dallas-cowboys-cheerleader-during-philadelphia-game

Side note:  Is that a real baby or one of those puppets where you make the mouth move with your hand?

puppet

Because Mom is still holding her the same way out back.  Why is she doing that?

puppet1

And what is even happening right now?

selfie

Doesn’t that seem kinda close to her face, or is that just me again?

Anyway.  Katie’s other daughter Harlie was next to wander the stage.

You remember Harlie.  She’s the one who looks like Piper but didn’t want to participate in the pageant like Piper.  Unfortunately, the check was already in the mail so bailing wasn’t really an option.

But Mom and Dad still love you and still think you’re special.

h2Long story short:

The Rules specified that any child over the age of 5 could not be coached by their Moms from behind the judges’ table without losing points.  You read it.  You signed it.

But then this happened.

jk

A few times, actually.

Was Jaimie coaching Harlie from behind the judges’ table?  Wasn’t that…?

Excuse me?

sn

Becky went OFF.

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Right behind the emcee.  Look at him almost drop the mic.

mc2Before anyone could even say ‘Sparkle, Baby’ the whole thing spilled into the hallway where Becky and her husband and Katie and her husband all pig piled on top of each other screaming about rules and breaking rules and how Harlie was a special needs child and —
powWait.  What?

Nobody ever mentioned that Harlie was a special needs child.  Just special.

Even Cambrie changed her outfit again and got all like…

cblIt was ON with the Moms.

You’re trailer trash.  You’re a bully.  Who bullies a special needs child?  You’re still trailer trash.  And you’re still a bully.

It got In.  Sane.

People were running in circles all over the place.  Charis came out of the ballroom all like ‘Keep it down out here!  We’re trying to run a damn pageant!’ while that one poor lady who just came downstairs to find a vending machine ended up caught in the crossfire holding her baby and an empty ice bucket.

wpcrazyLook at her.  You just know she was all like…

124c45d5bf34b506be033752dbf2701bThankfully, the other Deb (…Jayliana‘s Mama…) came swooping in to separate the women and get everyone back inside before Outfit of Choice got started.  Ain’t nobody gonna screw this thing up before my baby gets on stage.  Don’t even think about it.

Swear to God I will stick my stiletto wine bottle opener in your throat if you don’t sit down.

djAgain.  Violence is never the answer, kids.  But Deb has a stiletto on her sofa table.

Side note:  Check out that little girl trying to sneak a picture of Jaimie when she’s not looking.  She totally thinks she’s about to post a photo of Adele onto her IG account.

adeleAnd how about Yellow Shirt Guy trying to get on TV?  Look at his friend trying to dive out of the shot because he told all his buddies he was at a Wildcats game.

buddies

Riley and Piper finished off the Beauty Game and then the party really got started.

Outfit of Choice.

Cadence came bounding out as Harley Quinn, the Joker’s girlfriend.hqharleygifhq2She even had the hammer, which she smacked on the ground so hard…

comic_graphics_impacts_previmage

…that it made Julie cry again.

jc

Dr. Caitlyn was next to hit the stage, wearing glasses and dancing like a ’50s sock hop waitress on roller-skates.  I’m not really sure what that was all about, given the pageant’s theme, since I find doctors to be scary but not necessarily in the villain category.  Unless it was an homage to the recent Suicide Squad movie where Harley Quinn dressed up like a doctor and I just missed it.glassRegardless, my goal is to one day be as cute as this kid so it doesn’t even matter how nonsensical I behave.  She doesn’t even have lenses in those googlie things.

Then it was Kaylee’s turn to set the stage on fiyah.  Or almost, anyway.

Remember last week when they tested out those pyrotechnics and blew the hem on Cambrie’s pink babydoll dress up another 3 inches?  Well, it was showtime.

Dad clicked a bunch of Home Depot wires together, setting off fireballs and one of the restroom sprinklers as Double Oh Kay Kay werked the crowd.

Which seemed to wow the judges but rub Katie the wrong way.

tth

Apparently, somewhere in the GemStars contract was a clause that you couldn’t use Vegas Special Effects during your routine.  Or something.  They weren’t very clear about the actual verbiage.

But if Kaylee could use fireballs, then HellToTheYeah Piper was gonna use her smoke machine.  Which Mom just happened to have on her, BTW.

Because she’s a freakin’ redneck Boy Scout, that’s why.

What?  Your Mom never told you to make sure you stocked the glove compartment of your Nissan with a candle, a can of Spam and a fog machine just in case you spun off the highway and landed in a ditch and had to wait for help?

Next thing you knew, Piper emerged from the mist like the Phantom of the Opera.

Except that she was Poison Ivy from Batman.pipi2

And then it all just kinda fell apart.

Cambrie snuck at a peek at one of the judge’s scoresheets and saw that Piper and Kaylee BOTH received a ‘7‘ in one of the little boxes, which could not have been possible unless the whole pageant was…say it with me…RIGGED.

Somehow the whole thing spilled back out into the hallway again.

Trailer Trash vs. Bully:  Round II

Katie did this a few more times, like she did in the first fight…

tth

And Becky did this a few more times, like she did in the first fight…

cheatAnd then someone did this…

hand…which in shadow puppetry makes the face of a duck if you turn the lights out.  I’m not sure where they were going with that one, but note that there are still sunglasses securely attached to the back of Tim’s head.

And is it just me, or…?

tumblr_my99gypxjt1s4rha3o2_250

Katie yelled.  Becky yelled.

Take your birth certificate and shove it up your butt.

Rinse & Repeat.

powAnd then it over.  Or at least Part II was.

Will our Pageant Princesses ever make it to Crowning?

Who sent the FPB email?

And does this guy ever NOT wear a cowboy hat?dadAll those questions…and more…will be answered next week.

Same Toddler Time.

Same Toddler Channel.

Trust me.  It’s gonna be eye opening.

tb2

Toddlers & Tiaras: Holy Pageant Panic, Batman! When It’s Heroes vs. Villains, Only The GemStars Can Save The Day.

September 9th, 2016

listen

 

 

Bitch, I know you got my crown and I’m coming for you as soon as I finish this juice box.

 

 

augh

 

 

If the Fair Pageant Bureau finds out I’ve been claiming dental deductions for fake teeth…

 

 

wire

 

 

Pageants are like the Mob. They keep pulling you back in. And now they want me to wear a wire.

 

v

 

 

Now I’m not talking smack about other Moms, but I think a few husbands are riding hogs, too.

 

dont

 

 

That mask gave me such a headache. Every time I open my eyes, I swear all I see are cows.

 

 

shoe2

 

 

I don’t know what’s in that wine glass, but I just realized I’m only wearing one shoe. Hit me.

 

 

ps

 

 

Pardon my potty mouth, but I’m ’bout to make this pixy stick my bitch.

 

 

 

With apologies to Bonnie Tyler.

And Bruce Wayne, of course.

maxresdefault

I need a hero.

I’m holding out for a hero till the end of the night.

And a crown.  Duh.

Heroes vs. Villains.

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It’s the pageant Mesa, AZ deserves.

But not the one it needs right now.

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Or is it?

Don’t touch that dial, cuz we’re about to find out.

snap

When we last saw our heroes, Sassy Supremes Pageant Coach Jaimie had just convened an emergency Sassy Meeting of Team Sassy over at stately Sassy Manor to address the controversy surrounding Soon-To-Be Not So Sassy Mom Kim‘s decision to (…maybe or maybe yes…) take tiny Selyse across enemy lines and join forces with Cambrie’s Court.  Because she was totally thinking of doing that.

Which, as previously discussed, is one of the top…if not THE top…No No in Pageant Land, followed closely by not properly maintaining your French Tips and thinking for one moment that this blog has any credibility in the Pageant World.

Right, Cambrie?

hh2She’s #Goals, BTW.

And she was totally in the process of giving this blog a thumbs up, despite what the screenshot may or may not imply.

Side note:  Can we just clear up, once and for all, the online controversy regarding her embroidered track jacket crest, please?

trump-plane-10

It’s not the same crest stitched onto the head rests in Donald Trump‘s airplane, even though the lady in the infomercial did kinda sorta look like Cambrie, which is probably how all this confusion began in the first place.

Look.  14K Gold clickers.

originalQ.  Shouldn’t she have her seat belt buckled during takeoff?

Look.  A giant Princess Crown that’s way bigger than yours.

cll

Q.  Shouldn’t she be wearing more clothes?

Again.  #Goals.

True Fact:  I plan to heart Cambrie right up until the day somebody wearing a suit or badge physically hands me an actual restraining order, because just threatening to do it on Facebook doesn’t count.

Anyway.

comic_graphics_impacts_previmage

Back at stately Sassy Manor, things were not going well at all.

It was approximately 295 to 1 as all the Sassy Moms ganged up on Kim during their Sassy Mom-tervention.  And it wasn’t pretty.

There were so many New Moms on cell phones and Old Moms on cell phones and one Dad Jimmy with so many drinks in front of him…

dad

…that the whole thing spun out of control so fast I’m not even sure where to start.

Long story a little shorter, nobody wanted Kim on the Team anymore.

Especially Bow Tie Mom Megan, who wasn’t wearing a bow tie this week…

bow2…and Mom Katie, who immediately got all Real Housewives on Kim’s a** like…

bf3Which made another copycat Mom get all like Yeah, What She Said”

tumblr_mvdh1kpzc91rh4wd8o1_400…without even looking up from the lengthy pageant application form she was filling out.

Spoiler Alert:  Thank Gawd I don’t have to send in a birth certificate.

Naturally, in true Toddler 2.0 fashion, every single Mom started in on Kim.  I forget their names, because they’re still pretty new to everybody.  But I love them all.

And their Felicia Game was on point.

There was the one who wanted Kim gone so bad she almost broke a hip.6359572984704414631803357613_byefel

And the one who was too cool to even say the words.
tumblr_inline_mmuikb1q9r1qz4rgpAnd the one who I personally felt was wearing too much makeup for such an early hour.tumblr_mwtco7tntn1qde4uko1_500But I’m not here to judge.  Just report the facts.

Interior Design Note:  One of the drawbacks to being in the Pageant World is that you always end up with one room in your home completely devoid of all furnishings except sparkle window sheers and carpeting covered in black electrical tape ‘Xs.’

Am I right?

Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing until you try to entertain.  Which explains why Jaimie and Kim ended up sitting on the floor discussing Selyse’s future while everyone else towered over them waving arms and iPhones like those inflatable whacky arm balloon people you always see in front of used car dealerships.

gr-kite-banner-sign#ByeFelicia.

And if there’s one thing they taught me at Trump University, it’s to always maintain eye level contact with your prey.  So you know Kim didn’t stand a chance in this negotiation.

Disclaimer:  Despite two Trump mentions in the first scene, this in no way implies an endorsement for either candidate in this year’s election.

#America.

When it was all said and done, Kim was out.

Which was just fine with Katie, who smoothly transitioned from #ByeFelicia to #TalkToTheHand without even skipping a beat.

sshhhbf2I know, right?  Nothing shuts a bitch up like a good ’90s reference.

the-handIs it really only the third episode?  Because I swear I could almost—

l_c9e79910a82d97683b678d45275219ef

We never did get an answer, tho, on what exactly was happening with this dog.

dog

Is he in Time Out?  Is he ok?  What’s even happening right now?

It’s a dog, right?

Somehow in the midst of all this hilarity, we still had time to scoot to Vegas and check out #InnovationNation All My Ladies #GetInFormation Dance Studio…tumblr_o27oxb4ntm1rv4aqro1_500innbeyonce-superbowl…where Cambrie was laying down the law for this week’s pageant.

Nothing much happened there.

Except for maybe the part when Mom Deb said that all the complainers should just stop complaining and go make cuter babies with someone better looking than their husbands.

Because she totally said that.  Maybe not just like that.  But pretty close.

We.  Love.  Deb.

You remember her.  She’s Jayliana‘s Mama.

Yaaaaaas, Mama!

tumblr_nzglgj7rmt1qlvwnco1_500Jayliana’s the little nugget who got all like…

bowww…when Miss Cambrie tried to make her wear a hair bow from the Mall.

Look at Solange just pushing that blonde chick outta the way when the beat dropped.

jay#NaturalHairDontCare.tumblr_nzglgj7rmt1qlvwnco1_500This kid is gold.  Literally.

This week the gang was head to the Heroes vs. Villains Pageant in Mesa, AZ…which was sponsored by GemStars…which was run by Jaimie’s Mom Debbie in an awkwardly incestuous kind of low score sheet way.

What could possibly go wrong?  Hold that allegedly rigged thought.

Because eventually, we actually met some of this week’s contestants.

zap

First up was 4 year old Cadence and her two Moms.  Dat’s rite.  Count ’em.

Mom #1, Amy, initially set off my CrazyAlarm, but it was a false alarm.

crzytumblr_nzglgj7rmt1qlvwnco1_500I know, right?

Mom #2, Julie, had Todd Bailey‘s old Boy Band hair and got pretty emotional over her expansive cow collection, which was totally understandable.

Because It.  Was.  Awesome.

cowscow3Look.  There’s another one over there.  Omigod.  They’re everywhere.

cow2

Kidding.

Turns out that she was actually choked up over her baby Cadence.  Who was adorbz.

And who had been diagnosed with cancer before even being born and was their Miracle Baby and if you didn’t get a little teary eyed while she told the story, then Imma need you to just leave now and beat traffic.  Cuz I love me some Moms who love their kids so much that they Ugly Cry on national television.

Amy and Julie are even more awesome than their cows.  I mean…look at ’em.

moms2werk3Anyone else think that aquarium could use some water?

fishContestant #2 was 9 year old Piper, Katie’s daughter.

That picture big enough?

piperPiper is a straight up #PageantPro who looks exactly like a CNN anchor in her glitz photos and has no intention of coming in Second Place…ever.  She knows her shizz and has a stash of GemStars sashes that almost knocked Julie’s cows from the Top Spot.

pip

Mom Katie, who we already met at Jaimie’s house…table

…spent most of her time outside on the picnic table, looking like she was singing a duet about some long distance relationship gone awry with Miranda Lambert‘s ex-husband.

We got plenty of juicy scoop and wet poop (…you see that?  That horse was nasty…) on the upcoming pageant and all things Facebook from Katie before heading inside to meet Piper’s sister who didn’t want to participate in the upcoming festivities.

This is Harlie, who looks like Piper and just wasn’t having any of it this week.

nopeUnfortunately, the downpayment check was already in the mail.  So you’re doing it.

No slight to Harlie, but as any true Toddlers & Tiaras fan knows, if you not doing it…this is how you let them know you’re not doing it, ‘kay?

Cuz this girl ain’t doing it.

tumblr_mez99lggyz1rt1rl9#Iconic.

Side note:  Do you think they even know there’s someone behind the refrigerator?

popLooks like Piper just figured it out.

We traced the calls.  They’re coming from inside the house.

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Jaimie said Piper was going to make that stage her Bitch.  So there was that.

Moving on, we left whining Harlie behind and revved up a shiny new Harley over at 6 year old Kaylee‘s farmhouse.

bikeThat’s Mom Becky, who in lieu of a picnic table, straddled a sweet ride the entire time she was being interviewed.  Motorcycle Mama.  She’s a wild child just like her daughter.

fire2Kaylee has a speech thing where she stumbles like Rihanna‘s Umbrella Ella Ella song, but she’s so cute I could overlook it as long as they’re doing what’s right for her behind the cameras.  If that tractor is pink, tho.  I swear…

Becky did this alot…

v3

….which made her look like a ’60s Love Child if you Snapchat flowers into her hair and pretend those garage shelves are stocked with drugs instead of whatever all that crap is.

And then this happened.  And I swear I wasn’t even stoned, man.

arrowF’real.

Miss Cambrie showed up in the most archery-inappropriate outfit imaginable to sling arrows into a tipped over front door/dirty mattress target like a Boss.

Just like Katniss from Hunger Games.

If Katniss wore a pink babydoll mini and wedged sling backs,  I mean.

tumblr_mnd730zjxs1rz62vio1_500And teamed up with whoever this is shooting Pokemon.

madoka_shooting_one_arrow_zpsbrt6donpDid I forget to mention that Magician Jackson Rayne showed up?  Because he did.

And not just because Cambrie has THE most random assortment of friends in her Contact List evah (…Dallas Lovato, anyone?…) but also because he was going to train Kaylee in the art of potentially disfiguring pyrotechnics.

Because fire makes everything better, yo.

fireEspecially Glitz Pageants and cosmic battles against Dr. Doom.

tumblr_llg7n74xap1qfiuy9Don’t try either of those things without adult supervision, kids.  Trust me.

To round out the lineup, we jacked our blood sugar to an unsafe level by meeting one of the cutest little niblets to ever grace a temporary Ramada Inn stage.

Five year old Caitlyn, who was so precious I almost blacked out.

dog3

And her Mom Charis, who had more money to burn than Johnny Storm up there.

snatch

Like upwards of $100,000 spent on pageants so far.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxj#AdoptMePlease.

True Fact:  At the last GemStars Pageant, Caitlyn had been robbed of her crown.

Literally.  Like ripped off her head and given to another little girl right there in front of everyone in the ballroom.  And her toys, too.

Actual never-before seen footage:

tumblr_m6v868fgpw1qil395o1_500So now it was Redemption Time.

And I got yo’ numbah, bitch.  Right here in speed dial.callher

Look at how cute she is.  Really.

snatch2Somewhere around here was when Cambrie took all her Court Cuties for a Spa Day.

Because of course.

And it was fun and all, but the only thing that really mattered was when we got to go home with Deb and slam back a few boxes of vino on the couch.

Please tell me you didn’t go get a snack right then, because it was Emmy-worthy.

shoeShe has a wine bottle holder shaped like a shoe.

Or maybe just has her shoe on the table and doesn’t care.

Not to mention about 17 additional bottles on the other end of the couch that didn’t get nearly enough screen time.  But it doesn’t even matter.

Because it’s Deb.  And she’s as awesome as those socks right there.

danceHaters gonna hate.  And then motivate.

Rinse & Repeat.

kapow-1

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time to meet Director Debbie…

debdreamy…who couldn’t believe that everyone already knew Jaimie was her daughter.

And that Jaimie wasn’t really Adele and had just been Jaimie all this time.

And that the Fair Pageant Bureau was a totally made-up company created by somebody using Outlook at a Staples store so the IP address couldn’t be tracked.

Because that totally happened.

Check it out.fpb

That not-sketchy-looking-at-all email right there that Debbie received prior to the event, warning her that Kaylee’s Mom had faked out her daughter’s age on the GemStars application in order to get her into a different age group because the toys are bigger.

Wait.  What?

This whole conspiracy theory just gave me a headache.

maskI feel your pain, Boo.

Bottom line, Becky was stopped at the check-in desk and patted down for Kaylee’s birth certificate, which no normal person would ever have anywhere on their person unless they were going across the border in the middle of the night for cigars.

Debbie wouldn’t let Becky get through security without a birth certificate.

Becky was all like ‘WTF?’

And then it all went downtown.

pow

Will our Pageant Princesses make it to the stage in time?

Who sent the FPB email?

And why is that lady talking into the wrong end of the phone?  Is it just me or aren’t the holes supposed to be on the other end?cellAll those questions…and more…will be answered next week.

Same Toddler Time.

Same Toddler Channel.

#ByeFelicia.

octo-pussoir

 

Toddlers & Tiaras: Safari So Good. It’s Another Rhinestone Rumble In The Jungle, Courtesy Of Baily’s Pageants.

September 1st, 2016

jb

 

 

How can she NOT have Jungle Boogie on replay? It’s like a Kool & The Gang classic. Google it.

 

 

eyes

 

 

It’s my Pageant and I’ll cry if I want to, cry if I want to. You would cry too if it happened to you.

 

 

cry

 

 

 

#DivisionalSucks

 

 

163

 

 

Listen. I don’t care how funny your blog is. Stop creeping me or I swear to Gawd I’m calling the cops.

 

 

a2

 

 

I don’t care if we beat her in the Baby Fell Off The Stage Category as long as we beat her, yo.

 

 

prizes

 

 

Maybe if I’d won that damn car I could put all this loot in the trunk and not have to carry it home.

 

 

crayon

 

 

I know I didn’t just spend $2,000 and lose a wisdom tooth to go home with a giant plastic crayon.

 

 

 

Be careful, kids.

Cuz it’s a Jungle out there.

jungle-book-stampedeA big, loud…1369592766736487013…scary…

lion-king-stampede…sparkly one.

tumblr_lqwkbcbFdy1qfqcmfo1_400And it’s in Shreveport.

Even better.

But don’t blink…

tb4

…or you’ll miss it, because the Toddlers & Tiaras action was so fast paced and heavily caffeinated this week that they had to split Tonya and her Bailey’s Pageants Jungle Safari Extravaganza into two parts.

Sorta.  I think.

Maybe.

Or not so much a Part 2 as just the new way they seem to be doing the show this season.

The Toddler 2.0 Upgrade.  Remember?

upgrade-4 552395928c858226178e1ad0bd06b563Side note:  It’s nice that every show I recap on this site is always upgrading so I can keep using the same two Beyoncé gifs over and over.  Really cuts down on the amount of time I have to spend in the Research Dept.

Side note #2:  Speaking of.  How about Beyoncé on the VMAs this week?

You see dat?

Here’s actual unseen backstage footage of Britney Spears when she realized that she was gonna have to lip sync for her life after Queen Bey’s performance.

1306866467_jumping_out_the_windowSide note #3:  When you Google ‘Bailey’s Pageants’ the search engine sometimes automatically goes to ‘Bailey’s Package Store’ which is hilariously subliminal no matter how you look at it if you know what a package store is.

But anyway.

From what I can tell from previews and what we’ve seen so far, it looks like we’ll be following the same 3 kids all the way from their first televised glitz pageant straight through to their Harvard Graduations, because as we head into the third installment next week, that same Mom with a hole in her tooth is back again.

This one.

ohWe love Kim.  And her little peanut Selyse.

You remember Selyse.  She was the tiny one in the Snuggie getting carried around looking like she was pledging a sorority during Rush Week.

rb3

College Tip #1:  Red Bull Gives You Wings and helps you silently judge girls who only made it this far because their Dad is on the Board of Directors.

When we last met Selyse, she was late for the Beauty Portion because of who knows what and was not allowed to compete in that category.

And Mom was not having it.

Luckily, Tonya has a heart of gold…and an eye patch of Swarovski crystals, FYI…

t21…and let Selyse go up on stage as the final contestant even though the points would only be imaginary, much like Tonya’s never ending stories about how she’s descended from a long line of seafaring pirates.

Tonya kept going on and on about how Selyse shouldn’t be penalized just because her Mama can’t get it together and since she paid to be in the pageant, she should be in the pageant.  Because she paid.  To be in the pageant.

Side note:  Since Selyse is only 3 years old, I’m gonna assume you can pay for these things in Cheerios, because otherwise nothing Tonya said made any sense.  Which is probably why I love her so much.  Ahoy, matey.

So after a quick shot to take the edge off…rb2…Selyse entered Stage Right.  And then immediately exited Stage Left.

Really.  It was that fast.  Thank you, Red Bull.

But then she came back again.  And then left again.

Too bad she didn’t move that fast getting downstairs in the first place.

And you know my Boo Cambrie had a little sumthin to say about that one, mmmkay?cCuz I know that dress don’t fit.

063e174f0ef5b86492ff523de274f8f2.jpgCambrie Littlefield.  #Goals.

We also met Judge Barbie, because of course her name was Barbie.

b

And even some Red Bull cans with Barbie legs.

red-bull-cans-art-02

The Circle of Life.

As all that hilarity was ensuing, Toddler #2 was upstairs just tryna get her face did.

Kallyn was a little behind schedule in the makeup chair, thanks in part to Kim’s unorganizational skills and now Mom Megan and Coach Jaimie were starting to stress bag a bit.

You remember Megan and Jaimie from Episode #1.

Megan is the Mom who wore that giant bow tie and Jaimie is the coach who always goes head-to-head with Cambrie and gets the split screen treatment every week to make certain we know they hate each other.

clinton-trump-splitscreen-1200x847

Look at all the Red Bull.rb

Disclaimer:  I don’t think they really hate each other.  Jaimie and Cambrie, I mean.

I think it’s just the competitive world of Kiddie Pageantry and the fact that TLC lets Cambrie change outfits a minimum of four times between each commercial while Jaimie has to just sit in that ’50s Diner bathroom and pretend she’s Adele.

jj2Hello?  Am I wrong?  I don’t think so.

adele

Lilly was next on stage, totally rocking her Kardashian Kontouring.  A+

She was on point even though one judge thought her fabric was cheap.

And then her Mom Amber cried again.  Because that’s kind of her thing.

cry2

Well, that.  And making Popeye Faces.gifpopeye andloiveg

popWhich was actually supposed to be a Jungle Roar, but it came off more like I Yam What I Yam.  Which is ok, because she’s a Proud Pageant Mama and we love her.

With the new 2.0 Upgrade, the pageant portion of the show is not as seamless as it used to be, so if we get a little choppy…it’s not my fault.  Kids are on stage, then off stage, then in the lobby and then the hotel rooms and then the hotel’s restaurant where there’s kids climbing the infrastructure of the building like Ninjas and then we’re back on stage again.

Check out Backwards Hat Guy, looking like he’s never seen a sequined jungle princess in full makeup practicing military maneuvers at an IHOP before.

I swear that’s Michael Phelps.

restQ.  How does that restaurant make any money when every table is empty?

Kallyn froze in her Beauty portion, which was not good.  And then we finally got a closeup on tiny Jaquelynne, who we only kinda sorta met last week via Skype.

She is so cute I can’t stand it.

Doesn’t she look like she’s about to perform an aria from La Bohème?

jFinally, it was Outfit of Choice time!

Jungle Wear.

tumblr_inline_nmn7mlZtWg1qddzt0_540

And one Mermaid, for some reason.

tumblr_nixaq58Las1s5anqko1_500Don’t ask.

Selyse was on time for this one, but Mom didn’t have any music for her routine which made Tonya do this again…
tb4…as she tried to explain how things work in Pageant Land.

NewsFlash:  “Can’t you just throw on some Jungle Boogie and let her shake it for a prize?” hasn’t worked since they shut down Studio 54, honey.  Trust me.

No music?  Really?

Whathoo think Todd‘s thinking right now?

t

Probably the same thing this chick’s thinking.

seAnd this guy.

tumblr_m8tg57Jhra1rxey2io1_500No music, f’real?

Luckily, as we all know by now, Tonya never leaves the house without at least one 8 Track in her Louis Bag.  So crisis averted.  TB saved the day.

Meanwhile, Lilly, all decked out in her Wall-Crawling Safari Queen outfit, took off down the hotel hallway in the wrong direction thinking that she was headed to the stage.

Been there.  Done that.

Given that my own personal motto has always been that anything longer than 3 feet is either a runway or a stage, I gave her a pass because Girlfriend werked it right into that dead end fire door like a D.I.V.A.

Plus, her music was going to be 4 different cuts all remixed into who knows what.

I know, right?

Hey, Mr. DJ…put the wrong record on.  I wanna dance with my baby.

dj

Because that’s totally what happened.

Mom handed over the wrong CD and they ended up playing the 12″ extended mix version of some Wiggles jungle thingamajig that gave the judges enough time to hit the restrooms and check their Twitter feeds to make sure everyone was home watching them on TV.

And then of course Amber cried again.

soapWhich is ok, because I’m a softy, too.

Especially in the movie ET when the plant starts dying in the flower pot and the part at the end when this happens…

giphy-1

Kallyn was a Safari Girl, which I guess is somehow different than a Safari Queen, and froze on stage when she forgot her moves.  Jaimie called her a Hot Mess and even Hashtagged it, so you know she meant business.

And then tiny Jaquelynne hit the stage in her Pink Panther routine and proceeded to rip her own tail off and do party tricks.  Really.

ppHashtag:  That’s Gotta Hurt.

This is her Mom, BTW.

jmAnd this is her Mom taking selfies with a lady who looks like she should be selling Philosophy skincare on QVC.  I don’t know why.  She just does.

selfieAnd then it was time for Crowning!

Look at how excited Todd and his Bro Squad got.

pumpDwightFistPumpData-Star-Trek-Fist-PumpSince the only thing more confusing to me than Dance Moms Rules are Toddler Pageant Rules, don’t quote me on any of this as I break it down for you.

Because it’s hard.

Like math.tumblr_inline_n6jq0m1pd81rlkg4z

The only thing I really know is that a Toddler contest is the one contest in the Universe where you don’t want to win anything, because then you can keep moving on up not winning things until you finally win something and then get to go home.

Side note:  Are we just not going to talk about Cambrie’s makeup person?

mupBecause that makeup person right there needs to get mic’d and have a spin-off show asap.  I don’t even know what’s happening right now.

And doesn’t Cambrie look like that country western lady who always sings in front of a barn?  I forget her name.

cl

But I know that Cambrie is #Goals.

Selyse won some early stuff, which didn’t make her Mom very happy at all.

Because you know.  Rules.

Lilly won Personality Supreme, which her Mom thought was crap.

lilly

Because the last thing you want is your child to have a personality.

And then…well, you know.

41806-Emma-Stone-are-you-crying-gif-71rm

Jaqueline won Beauty Photo Supreme, which her Mom also thought was crap.

Because the last thing you also want is a good looking kid.  Am I right?

crownFor a prize that sucked, she sure got a lot of that crap.  Tonya hooked her up.

trunkQ.  Is that a pig or a bear?

Kallyn got Face of 2016, which is somehow not the same thing as Jaquelynne’s Beauty Photo Supreme even though they both seemed to require a face to participate.  Whatever.

And then all the Moms got Most Mama Drama Certificates in 14K gold frames.  They just didn’t show it on TV.  But it happened.  I swear.

Bottom line, the goal of this whole thing was to win a car.

Not as lame as a jungle one.

jtutLhC

But not as cool as this one.price-is-right-new-car-fail

More like a Barbie one.

But not like this one, either.

b

You get the idea.

But it doesn’t really even matter, because some girl that wasn’t even featured on the show swooped in out of nowhere and snatched that car out from under all the other little girls we had just gotten so emotionally invested in…but she deserved it.  She was cute.

And she sat in it like she was The Grand Marshall for the Toys ‘R Us Parade.

Bonus:  She was one of Cambrie’s girls, which really stacked the deck in her favor.

So you do the math.

When it was all over, Kim was pretty much at her wit’s end with Adele.

jaimie

She just wasn’t feeling the love or support from her coach, so she proceeded to stalk Cambrie in the back hallway to pick her brains about switching teams, which is one of the 3 major NO NOs in the pageant biz, right after believing anything you read in this blog and not rinsing out your flipper as soon as you get home.

163

I hope Cambrie was calling the front desk to get some security up to Room 163, because that door’s not even shut.  What if Cher is in there stealing all of Cambrie’s tie dye Bob Mackie stuff?  That s*** ain’t cheap.

Bottom line, Cambrie agreed to a consultation TBD and then scooted out of their before she got caught sleeping with the enemy.  #Goals.

And then it was really over.

Except for a little snippet of next week when the whole Sassy Supreme Team does some kind of Mom-tervention with Kim where they’re smacking her around for going behind their backs with Cambrie’s Court.

It looked crazy.  Like this.

dawn-planet-of-the-apes-2

Or even crazier, maybe.  Like this.

momBut I guess we’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we?

It’s a jungle out there.

Told ya so.

RAWR.

ppp


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