The Kimye Wedding Extravaganza: He Likes Big Butts And He Cannot Lie. For The Love Of Kanye…Make It Stop.

May 26th, 2014

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Forgive me if I’m a little emotional, but I always get choked up when someone gets a do over wedding.  Especially when they haven’t spent all the profits from the last one yet.

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Kimye got married this weekend.  Finally.  And it was everything you’d expect from a one hit wonder porn star and the drunk guy who snatched Taylor Swift‘s microphone.

ÒRoyal wedding of Prince William of Wales to Catherine Middleto

Her dress was not from Sears, even though I totally saw four racks of markdown Kardashian Kollection stuff in her size next to the lawn mower department last week.

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The place was packed with all kinds of celebrity types in their designer clothes.  Except for Beyoncé, who decided to blow off the event at the last minute.

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Kim’s bro Rob Kardashian also bailed after some top secret family dramzz. He seemed pretty upset in the airport, so I won’t make any jokes about his weight right now.

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Everyone that stuck around got to eat some really fancy food off a gigantic menu that somebody probably had to read to Kendall.  Cuz she’s like totally the worst reader.

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Even Will Smith‘s kid was there.  Jaden might have a little sumthin sumthin going on with Kylie Jenner but he’s not in most of her hoochie Instagram shots, so I dunno fo’ sho.

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Step Dad Bruce Jenner walked Kim down the aisle at the Forte di Belvedere.  Dude should be getting pretty good at that by now.  Practice makes perfect.

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And now Kim and Kanye are married.  F’realz.  Maybe they’ll even go away for awhile, because I think I speak for most everyone when it comes to these Kardashian people…

tumblr_inline_n4ecy51X051ry3wlgCongratulations, Kimye.  Love you more.

Muah.

Bring It! Bonus: A Jackson Quickie. Go Behind The Battles And Let Dianna Get You All Caught Up On The Good Stuff.

May 17th, 2014

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Srsly?

No more Bring It!…?

Aw Hell Nah.  Now what?

Psych.  We wouldn’t leave you hanging.

There was a little bit of milk left in the cow this week, so Lifetime squeezed out one more serving just to get us through until Dianna Williams & Co. return for Round Two.

Miss D gave us a behind the scenes opportunity to catch up on everything that’s been going on down at the Dollhouse Dance Factory since they burst onto our television screens.  For only ten episodes they sure have covered a lot of ground.

Most of it apparently just going back and forth to Memphis, but you get the idea.

But I know you’re all busy.

So with apologies to my girls, here’s the entire first season of Bring It! in under two minutes.  Probably less for those of you who always skim my stuff anyway.

You know who you are.

A Jackson Quickie, so to speak.  But the clean non-puppet kind.

No Stinky Divas.  No fluff.  No filler.  Just the meaty Mississippi goodness.  All in short, easy to follow sniglets for you Twitter types who are already losing your focus.

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The Dancing Doll Parents.

Proof that with unconditional love, total support and some pretty fly silk screened t-shirts your kids can follow their dreams no matter where they lead.

Nobody loves you like yo’ Mama and yo’ Baby Daddy.

And I wear a size Medium if anybody wants to hook a brother up.  Red’s my color.

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The Dancing Dolls.

Without them, the DDPs wouldn’t have much to do.

So shout out to Kayla, Camryn, Sunjai and Crystianna…the girls who help make it all happen every time their Team hits the floor.

And PS…it’s not “Dee Dee Four EL.”

It’s “DD4ELLLLLLLLLL!!”  Mmmkay?

Duh.

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And how about those Mamas?

Insane.  But the good kind of insane.

Wearing weaves and headgear made out of material previously only available to NASA scientists, these ladies can show us all a thing or two about family values and losing your nutty at an awards ceremony.

Trust me.  They’ll snatch yo’ wig and yo’ heart if you’re not careful.

Love.  Them.  Dotcom.

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The Baby Dancing Dolls.

Shut.  Up.

I don’t know what’s in those juice boxes, but these little niblets can lay it down like nobody’s bidnezz once the music starts playing.

Proving that you can never have too many Kaylas in your life, Captain K2 can throw Stands like it’s her day job.  If she was old enough to work, I mean.

And sassy, spunky OhNoSheBetterDon’t Taelar?

She is Slap Yo’ Mama cute.

And maybe yo’ Mama’s Mama, too.  I just can’t.

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But it wasn’t all just dancing.

We also got fashion tips from the Prancing Tigerettes.

Clearly, I have yet to master the Jerseylicous/Pee Wee Herman combo platter.

Even though Obama doesn’t carry his phone around as much as Quincy does, this dude is straight up awesome sauce.

Call me, buddy.  It’s in your right ear if you’re looking for it.

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And this happened a lot.

pupSo there have it.

Everything you missed.  Kinda.  Sorta.

Now we just enjoy the summer and wait for Miss D and the gang to buck back into our lives again.  Hopefully sooner than later.

Catch y’all at the next Battle.

Wave Buh Bye, Taelar.

DD4L.

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DanCool Rewind: It’s Mother’s Day. So Watch The John Roberts Classic One More Time And Then Call Your Mom.

May 11th, 2014

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Busted…again.

But at least this time it’s by popular demand.

This is an oldie but a goodie that I posted way back when.  Maybe more than once.

And now it’s back…again.

And just in time.  Because it’s Mother’s Day…and this is HIGHsterical.

Not to mention that recycling is good for the environment…and the funny bone.

Sunday, May 11 is Mom’s special day and whether you’ve got a Dance Mom, Pageant Mom or Bring It! Mom…nobody captures Crazy Moms better than John Roberts.

Don’t lie.  If this isn’t your Mother, then it’s your friend’s Mother.

Or you.

So call your Mother.

Or your friend’s Mother.

Just do it now.

Even with the kids in the car.

Seriously.  After all these years, I still can’t stand it.

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