Toddlers & Tiaras: Git It Gurrrrl! That’s Right…It’s Time To Sparkle And Spray Again, Baby. They’re Baaaaaaack!

August 25th, 2016

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I swear.  Some of these Mamas get me so stressed out I could almost blink.

 

 

bowww

 

 

I know you’re not gonna ask me to put on some cheer bow from Claire’s when my hair is on point.

 

 

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If she don’t want it, I’ll take it. Bows are kinda my thing…

 

 

tracks

 

 

Somebody better start blending, cuz I’m not leaving the house with my tracks showing.

 

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Telling you right now I’m not missing Leg Day cuz some crazy Mama can’t read a damn clock.

 

 

mouth

 

 

Look! I literally filled my own cavity with a big bag of sequins from Michaels. This s*** just got real.

 

 

 

Buckle up that car seat, kids.

Make sure the lid on your sippy cup is secure, too.

And you might wanna even take out that flipper so you don’t choke on it.

Because…yes.

tumblr_n5hcm3Cd9y1qlvwnco1_500Yaaas.

tumblr_o52nnutCWg1rlafseo1_400Yaaaas.

dsghfdsgfhAnd just…yes.

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Toddlers & Tiaras is back.

And it’s back with a vengeance.

The dry spell is over.  After disappearing from television screens for a long 3 years, all the glitz, glam and go-go juice is back in our face.  But with an upgrade.

It’s Toddlers 2.0.

Or what we like to call the Dance Mom-ization of the Free World.

ezgif.com-cropMore Noise.  More Mama Drama.

More crazy Moms (…Spoiler Alert…) sprawled out all over the furniture being crazy.  Then some more noise.  And then some more Mama Drama.

And, if time allows between commercials, maybe even some tiny kids trying to balance ginormous sparkle crowns on their heads.

Side note:  Srly?  Three years later and we still haven’t found a way to make headgear that…I dunno…actually fits a head?  How many unaired scenes involving the Jaws of Life do you think we’ve missed over the years?

Look at this poor kid.  A headband, a hair bow, a ponytail, two hands and the thing still won’t stay on her head.  What the h***?  She’s like 17 pounds soaking wet.

crwThere’s starving Vegas Showgirls out there who could use those crystals.

I love this show, BTW.

And now it’s back.  And just in time.

After months of getting in and out of my bathing suit after all those summer BBQs…

pricklylegs.tumblr1…nobody was happier to see this show return than me.

Except for maybe Cambrie Littlefield.

Because she’s reeeeaaaallly into pageants.  Like…really.

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You remember Cambrie.  We heart her.

She’s the pageant coach owner of Cambrie’s Court School for Gifted Pageant Girls in Las Vegas, which I swear used to be called Cambrie’s Cuties before the 2.0 Upgrade.

Even Cambrie herself got an upgrade.  Dang, gurl.

Last time we saw Cam I think she was in some country bar or something doing pretty feet in thigh high boots.  If we’re being honest, my DVR taped over all the old T & T episodes with new General Hospitals, so I can’t go back and research my facts.

But I don’t think I’m making that part up.  Or I could be.

But we love her no matter what.  She’s sassy.

Look at her kicking it like some Real Housewife of Nevada in a Reunion Show dress that’s cut almost all the way up to the Vegas Strip.

cll

giphy-1A self-proclaimed Pageant Goddess since the age of 2 who can’t keep a Second Place trophy OR a Man, Cambrie is #Goals.

Moving on down the road a bit to Phoenix, we next met pageant coach, Jaimie.

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She’s sassy, too.

Except I hope she’s trademarked her sass.

Or at least the Sassy Supremes logo on her biz cards.

For some reason they filmed all her confessionals in what looked like some kind of set for a high school production of Grease.  Not sure what that was all about since Cambrie was shot in about 14 different locations with 14 different cocktails.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who noticed that.

Here’s Cambrie staying hydrated in a Crate & Barrel showroom.

clI love her even more now.

Freshen my drink, Jeeves, or I’ll see you in Cambrie’s Court.

As part of the 2.0 Upgrade, there’s more of a focus on rival pageant coaches, which was demonstrated through one of those CNN Election Center split screens.

ss107Oh, yeah.  It’s on.

The first little nugget we met was 4 year old Kallyn and her Mom Megan, who was spread out like it was her day job on one of those giant couches that looked like it should come with a built-in cup holder.

Look at her.

megAnd then look at her again.

legsIs she wearing one of those bow ties that squirt water?

Needless to say, I immediately fell in love with her.

tumblr_m7wjveEFz71r4ghkoo1_400Disclaimer for those of you who’ve never had the pleasure of this blog:  Relax.

It’s all in fun.  I love every single Kid and Mom that’s ever been on this show.  Nothing is ever done to be mean.  It’s called Reality TV for a reason.

Just ask Paisley‘s Mom.  Who I probably traumatized more than any other Mom.

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Q. What ever happened to them, anyway?

They were supposed to meet me at P.F. Chang’s like 4 years ago.

They probably gave away our table by now.

Anyway.

Kallyn had on the best ‘Hot Mess’ shirt evah, accessorized with these giant gold pearls that were big enough to keep her afloat should she ever fall overboard.

Look at my dab.

dab

81eb2548668087cd277add7939ac469eUnfortunately, they couldn’t protect her from the hazards of that whatchamacallit playground thing that spins you around until you puke.

Because Puke Happened.

Luckily, it happened before Jaimie showed up with about 20 feet of garden hose looking like she was there to clean the pool.  Look at her.

poolTurns out it was a mobile spray tan machine.  My bad.

Because it wouldn’t be Toddlers & Tiaras without somebody getting a couple coats of Krylon in the kitchen, right?

Side note:  Anyone else notice that as soon as Mom jumped off the couch to greet Jaimie, some man took over her spot like one of those Grammy Award seat fillers?  I’m gonna assume that it was Kallyn’s Dad in the pink shirt, because Real Pageant Men Wear Pink.

Side note #2:  One of my all-time favorite parts of this show has always been the random assortment of nameless children and pets that appear and disappear at whim in the background as the plot thickens.  Check out this shot where there’s so much going on that I had to pause the Xfinity box to take it all in.

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You got a dog thinking there’s Milk-Bones in the pool pack, about to get konked in the head.  You got Kallyn’s Jazzercise headband and Joan Collins necklace.  You got Jaimie losing her grip on the oxygen hose about to konk the previously mentioned dog in the head.  And there’s even some other kid way back there in the West Wing holding up a baby like they’re performing the opening song from The Lion King.  What is that even all about?

And how does that even happen in Real Life?

Side note #3:  Jaimie charges $55 an hour to carry around all crap.

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I’m in the wrong biz.

Either before or after getting her extensions clipped in for a test-drive (…I forget…) Kallyn got her tongue spray tanned and then Mom rattled off all the recent pageant goodness that totaled up to approximately $2,500 in America dollars.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjI’m seriously in the wrong biz.

The second contestant we met was 3 year old Selyse and her Mom Kim.

Here she is from an upcoming episode of TLC‘s new show Pageant Baby Hoarders:

waldoCan you even find her?  She’s so cute you really need to make the effort.

It’s like the best Where’s Waldo? ever.

Selyse was Kim’s Surprise Birth Control Baby, which I’m assuming meant that she either came as a Gift With Purchase down at Walgreen’s or the pills didn’t do what the doctor said they would do when he wrote the prescription.  Ouch.

Mom didn’t spend much time clarifying the talking points.

Most likely because she had a tooth ache.  Because she had a hole in her tooth.

Because she spent all her money on a tiny pageant dress that cost more than her wedding gown and now she was just going to have to wait until she blacked out from oral nerve damage since she couldn’t afford any Anbesol to take the edge off.

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Regardless, Selyse was born and she’s so cute you really need to try and find her again.

Oh, wait.  There she is.

w2I believe there were a total of 3 children running around the house, but it was hard to tell.

The one who I assume was the brother even dropped what I initially believed to be an ironing board on Selyse’s head, but it turned out to just be a bunch of PVC pipes shaped like an ironing board that were laying around the house.

Because, of course.

The third and final pageant hopeful this week was 4 year old Lilly and her Mom Amber.  And Grandma, who fell in the backyard mud bog/creek before we even learned her name.

Mom was In.  It.  To.  Win.  It.

To the point where she had already spent upwards of $45,00 in American dollars on pageant gear and dry-cleaning for Nana.  Really.  She said that.

Or most of that, anyway.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjAnd then Cambrie showed up wearing some kind of a cross between a Gladiator Vixen and a Forever 21 mannequin and that tie dye fabric they always use instead of dressing room doors in that store where everything is made out of hemp.

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Am I wrong?  I don’t think so.

Sometimes I swear Cam wears the same size as her clients.  But it’s ok.

Because she’s #Goals.

And she charges $175 for one class.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjCambrie was quick to point out that Jaimie only charges $50+.

But you won’t learn anything.

omggif_zps1bcdb557To burn off some of that snark, we next headed to Cambrie’s Bootcamp Class where everyone was dressed like the Dance Moms Minis.

minisExcept for Jayliana, who refused to wear a stupid gold lamé bow because her hair was looking so fresh.

bowwwShe totally got all like that lady from Bring It!

tumblr_nu0cuxxFiG1tb8iyko1_500Until her Mom scooted her out screaming “I’m Done!” like it really WAS Dance Moms.

tumblr_o0i686Dra91tb8iyko1_500Side note:  Before leaving, Mom made Jayliana recite the 3 things you need in Pageantry:

Smartness.  Beautiful.  And Talent.

Which were so awesomely grammatically nonsensical that if TLC doesn’t give JayBae her own show next year I’m creating a page on Kickstarter.

Somewhere around here was also when Jaimie sent all her little girls to the mall to loiter and perform for random strangers, which sounds way worse than it actually was.

She wanted them to get over their stage fright by physically blocking everyone trying to get into Subway.  And it worked.

Until Selyse didn’t know her routine and got called out in front of everyone, which made Mom lose her nutty right there in front of Radio Shack.

Look at her blocking that total stranger from entering the store.

mall

 Is that even legal?  No wonder they’re going out of business.

With only a day or so to go before the pageant, there was just enough time for Cambrie to invite her BFF Dallas Lovato to come down and show these little peanuts how to be a STAR.  Because that’s what she does.

A few highlights from the visit:

Cambrie made Dallas wear a bow, too.  I don’t care who you are.

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Dallas wore a stupid bow, came all the way down from wherever to help out and this was the best scroll the production company could come up with.  Look at her face.

dl2Lilly gave an Emmy worthy performance as a Happy Monkey.

hmAnd then her Mom had a Moment.

oprah-cryingJust.  So.  Proud.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time for my Boo Tonya Bailey to get this whole jungle-themed Bailey’s Pageant extravaganza started.  The Bailey Bunch is in da house!

You remember Tonya.  She did this once for some reason…

tumblr_lxwljjsatX1qb9pa3o1_500-1And even wore a Swarovski encrusted pirate eye patch one time that was way cooler than the one Bob Costas wore when he got Pink Eye during the Olympics.

costas-eye-patch

With the new 2.0 Upgrade, we got a zillion snippets of performances before the show even started (…which was kind of a Brain F*** to be honest…) but it gave Tonya time to lay down some of the rules and regs and to tell these new Pageant Moms to chillax.

tbFrom the Book of Tonya:

“You paid for someone else’s opinion.”

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“If you don’t have the funds, you might wanna find another hobby.”

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“I’m not going bug eyed, am I?”

tb4No, of course not.

clockwork-orangeWell…maybe just a little.

And Todd was back as emcee!!

Dat’s rite, ladies.  Dolla Dolla Bill, yo.

Tonya’s Boy Toy was back and more jacked up than ever, complete with an inflatable monkey tail that was a little distracting given that there were so many kids in the room.

toddI love Todd, too, in that awkward bromance kind of way.  And…yes…technically I suppose he’s probably more of a husband than a Boy Toy, but this recap is already running way too long for me to keep rehashing the whole Season 6 frosted tips situation…

But that was then.  This is now.

Now Todd’s rocking that buzz cut fade on the side with long hair on the top thing that everyone from Jersey keeps posting on their Instagrams.  You go, boyeeeeee.

Less Boy Band, more guy handing out free Quest Bars at GNC.

Todd 2.0.

Needless to say, it wouldn’t be an episode of T & T if there wasn’t some hotel room pregame panic.  And this time it belonged to Selyse, who was dragging a** until Mom pumped some hi-grade Mega Ultimate Supreme Red Bull into her tank.

And it worked.

One Sip.  Ding.

rbTwo Sips.  Ding Ding.

rb2Three Sips.  Ding Ding Ding.

tb4Look at her in her Snuggie.

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Selyse is literally every girl who ever got dumped in college right after getting her hair did.

Unfortunately, the Red Bull didn’t speed up the car enough, because Selyse missed the entire Beauty portion of the pageant.  Like…didn’t even make it up on stage.

Which made Mom do this…

oh2And then this…

ohAnd then it was over.

Really.

That fast.  Over.

Before we even saw anybody do anything on stage.  What?

Nobody said this was gonna be a 2 parter.

I guess that means we gotta do it again next week to see what happens.

Which is fine by me.

Toddlers is back.

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Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Are All Back For One Last Chance To Say Hello And Goodbye.

May 11th, 2016

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Does that fool even watch the show before he writes his blog? None of this makes any sense.

 

kira

 

 

You try finding a sitter in LA. They’re all at the beach or waiting tables until they get a call back.

 

 

 

bs1

 

 

Dunno if it’s all this screaming or my new glasses, but something’s about to give me a stroke.

 

 

lj

 

 

My old gig shaving beards off burly lumberjacks don’t seem so scary now, does it? Girl, pleez.

 

 

hf

 

 

I know if they put this graphic over my new dress one more time, Imma need to see that little man in the headset asap.

 

am

 

 

Not quite so tight, honey. Mama’s still not wearing a bra.

 

 

 

 

Hello.

And Goodbye.

Now sit yo’self down and stay there, please.  Because it’s time.

Time for big hair and even bigger drama as all your favorite Dance Moms put on their fancy clothes and head back down into that mysterious underground bunker for another Reunion Special.

Season 6 is half in the bag.  Let’s see how it’s gone so far, shall we?

Once Abby Lee Miller shows up, I mean.

Dat’s rite.  Tardy for the Party.  Again.

Abby was just pulling into the parking lot as the Moms all finished up hair and makeup and got situated in their plush new seating arrangement.  Because it wouldn’t be a Dance Moms Reunion if it didn’t start in complete chaos, right?

Look at Holly sitting on the set waiting for Abby.

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Don’t even get a school principal started on Punctuality.

And while we’re on the subject:  How about that shiny new set?

Everything got another Beyoncé Upgrade, yo.

upgrade-4 552395928c858226178e1ad0bd06b563Including the audience, who clearly had gone thru some kind of sped-up soap opera growth spurt since the last Reunion Special and now looked less like a bunch of kids waiting to get slimed at the Nickelodeon Awards and more like a J. Crew casting call for the Fall 2016 catalog.  I can’t be the only one who noticed that.

They even had a stricter dress code than the Moms:  Shades of Blue and Green or you don’t get a wristband.  No exceptions.

Except for this one lady with the pink top, who gets a Pass because I’m pretty sure it’s Oprah in disguise.  Look at the lady behind her thinking this means she’s getting all those Christmas presents for free.

oprahEven the host got tweaked.

wtf2

My boy Jeff Collins was MIA, replaced by Jai Rodriquez and his OhNoSheDin’t eyeballs and jaw drop, which he put to good use throughout the entire hour.

qeye

You remember Jai.

Up until now, he’s probably best known for cleaning up all kinds of hot messes on Bravo’s Queer Eye For The Straight Guy.  Even though he was the show’s ‘Culture Vulture,’ I swear he was the one who taught us how to use Crest Whitestrips every week.

But that was back in the day.  Now Jai’s probably best known for taking the hosting gig that should have been mine.  Not complaining.  Just throwing it out there.

Side note:  I actually got some DMs asking me if Jeff was okay, since the whole world knows how tight we are…but honestly, he hasn’t spoken to me since I made fun of his GIANT pocket square a few Reunions ago.  Remember that?

It’s been like 3 years, dude.  Let it go.

And check out these two ladies.  They can’t believe that one chick totally disregarded the dress code memo and wore red anyway.

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I mean, look at her.  Straight up disrespectful.redAnyway.

Abby was late.  And she forgot her bra.

And did this on national television.

bra2Bonus:  Here’s the Professor from Gilligan’s Island also holding his coconuts in anguish.professor-coconutI’m pretty certain this is the bra Abby that was looking for…

ab1Remember that time?  That was the time when I promised to never use that photo again, so I probably should have used this one instead…
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…from that time when Abby had tan lines and was on whatever show that was where two loud ladies figure out your real cup size and then announce your measurements like they’re winning Lotto numbers.

Check out how fast the red car is going so they don’t have to see anything wobbling.

braRed Audi TT that crashed into a house in Suffolk

So, yeah.

Forty minutes into taping and Abby still had not found her seat next to Jai, so my other behind-the-scenes boy decided to just throw it to the first dance of the evening before Lifetime stuck another Little Women repeat in his time slot.

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Srsly.  Look at the vein in his head and the show hasn’t even started yet.

bsEventually, Abby managed to find her way out onto the stage.  I forget how long it took.

Notice how Melissa got the NeNe Seat next to Jai?  I see what you did there, Lifetime.

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Q.  Why is Jai so far away from everyone?  There’s not even anything on that little table.

jaAnd I thought I was the only one Abby had slapped with a 20′ restraining order.

The first round of discussions focused on how Melissa had announced the Zieglers’ departure from the show, so you know there was a lot of legal MyLawyerSaid blah blah blah flying everywhere.  Abby still couldn’t let that one go and for some reason felt that the announcement should have been made at a CNN press conference.

Because she totally said that.

Like somehow Maddie and Mackenzie leaving Dance Moms was akin to Cuba finally letting in the Kardashians.

You.  Sit down.  Nia‘s still on the show.  Relax.

trump-dismissive-gifJai:  Jill…what does Maddie leaving mean for Kendall?

MomCrush Jill:  I dunno.

jvSide note:  I expected Jill’s hair to be much larger this week.

Abby cut in and announced that Kendall would be re-recording some of her old songs as well as coming out with a new song and eventually an album.  Not sure if that was a show of support or a clever way to distract poor KK from getting more solos in Season 6.5.

Look at Abby calling everyone losers but doing it with the wrong hand.

loserThe question made for a smooth segue into the whole Brynn vs. Old Maddie vs. New Maddie saga, causing Jill and Ashlee to get so stirred up that they went another couple of rounds on who called whose kid stupid, pretty much reenacting the last 18 weeks of confrontations in much nicer clothes.

ashIt got heated.

Lawsy.  And my Daddy won’t be home for hours.

Look at Jay fanning himself like some southern belle.giphy-1fantumblr_o4z2k4NGG01tb8iyko1_500And then the Mini Me Moms showed up!

Tiffany and Kerri.

tkSari and her fingernails.sAnd Yolanda, who I think left as soon as Jai introduced her, because I don’t remember her talking at all during their segment.

yo

Oh.  Never mind.  There she is.

My bad.  Still there.

syoSide note:  Anyone else watch Mob Wives?  I loved that show.

Tell me the two of them don’t look exactly like Renee and Carla right before they used to throw down in Staten Island.

Renee and Carla:

FullSizeRender (20)Sari and Yolanda:

syoThat’s not a bad thing.  I love all four of those ladies.  But you know I nailed it.

Game Time:  Mob Wives or Dance Moms?

Get it right and you could win one of Nia’s over-stuffed dance bags.  You see all the crap she can fit in there?  Who needs that many thera-bands in their life?
Screen-Shot-2012-12-17-at-6.29.37-PMKidding.  There’s no prize.

Sari felt that the touching dance Areana had done in honor of her brother last week had been downplayed, which opened up that whole can of worms again.  Between what Melissa said and didn’t say and what was edited and not edited…you know I’m still not touching that one.

Not even with that 10 microphone pole that Abby keeps shutting in the office door frame.

Not gonna do it.

Especially when it’s just about to get real good.

j3

Jai-by Baby asked Abby what her biggest concern was now that she was in the middle of all this legal dramzzzz.  You know.  The federal investigation into missing money and stuff.

Yeah.  He went there.

Abby was all like…

tumblr_m8cpkvsEZC1qlvwnco1_400…and then responded that her biggest concern was that ‘they’ told Jai to say it and he said it.  Abby don’t play when it comes to TMZ.

And what about when Abby was missing in action for so many competitions?

What sup wid dat?  Anyone?  Jessalynn?

jss

My Three Favorite Things:

Pizza.

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#HollyFaces.

hf4And Jessalynn stirring up s***.

tumblr_o43knwSvll1tb8iyko1_500Like right at this point when she blurted out that one of Abby’s biggest meltdowns this season was caused by finding out “that little girl Chloe” had just gotten a movie role.

Wait.  What?

Did she just say–?

Yeah.  That Chloe.  giphytumblr_n5hcm3Cd9y1qlvwnco1_500We love Chloe!  And it’s true.  She’s gonna be in a movie.  So proud!

Side note:  Remember when Chloe’s Mom sent me that photo of Holly reading a book and eating an apple next to a dumpster?  It was so random that it was probably the most awesome thing anyone has ever given me that wasn’t clothes.

Jessalynn got all like…

tumblr_mfwu2uFZoZ1qfkgtwo1_500And then Abby got all like…

cc2And then Jessalynn got all like “But I Can” and then touched her hair.

Q.  Was it just me or did JoJo‘s Mom touch her head a lot this week?jh46359486545315238671539361387_XPS4tzRAYc8NhHbHmp765SUSBVq2fsFWVLtLV6W8zfHzNkAc374j4wmDTk15Ya5-PbDB7wNWIn0pxrAkPPl5uPzxC942Qdsfo-luQok0z0PM6uP_jzR6BDH2M4LkoT2u9HhoFQKPjhtumblr_n2rky5nJZ21qk08n1o1_500jh2Maybe it was just me.

Luckily, the Voice of Reason took over as Holly defused the situation by discussing how she had taken matters into her own hands and gotten the girls some #DebbieFace time with Debbie Allen.

Look at how #KrazyHappy Holly looks right there.  I forget why.

h2Disclaimer:  I’m gonna pretend that Jai didn’t ask Holly how she felt now that Nia was one of the last remaining original ALDC dancers, because…duh…she’s the ONLY remaining original ALDC dancer left and…ummm…

giphy

Unfortunately, that Moment of Clarity (…still available online, FYI…) was just the calm before the storm, because all of the sudden the whole crew was back on that whole #BabySitGate scandal again.

Did she or didn’t she?

Did Kira really pawn Kalani off on Melissa for 3 months so she could take her newborn baby to the park in peace?  Did Melissa feel used?  Who was Kira really aiming for when she threw that water bottle?  Did Melissa really not sleep for 7 days worrying about Kalani’s sore back?  Does Melissa even know that if someone has a broken back they’d probably be paralyzed right now and not doing African dance with Nia?

And isn’t it racist to make all the people with glasses sit in the same section?

glasses

Or at least hilarious?  How does that even happen?

Who knows.  And who cares.

All that really matters is that we got to hear Jess tell Kira that she she’s not actually the most brightest person in the room one more time.

Oh.  And we got to see this guy in the green button down hating his life right now.hate

True Fact:  At every Reunion there’s at least one guy who gets tricked into showing up cuz they tell him it’s a sports bar.  I love this show.

And then it was down to the last 6 minutes of Melissa’s time on Dance Moms.

Forever.

Which meant that we got one last montage of tears and giggles and Kristie Ray and Melissa flashing the other set of Ziegler girls to an unsuspecting Mardi Gras float.

And Kelly and Christi, too!  We miss them so much!

If you’re keeping score, we even got to see half of Rachelle Rak‘s face while Melissa ugly cried at the microphone again.

Half?  Really?  You’ll be hearing from our sassy lawyers soon.

Side note:  I think I forgot to mention that the Ghost of Season One Abby showed up for a brief second in the Green Room.  Because it did.  And if I’m lying, I’m dying.

s1aAnd then it got pretty emotional.

Abby broke down a little and talked about the passing of her Mom and Broadway Baby when asked how she felt about the changes in her life.

Even Ashlee teared up as everyone started saying their goodbyes to Melissa.  Shout out to Brynn’s Mom for showing some love for Mackenzie.

ashHolly cried.

hcry

I may or may not have even had to dramatically blot for a second.

crying-gif-glee-i11Until the booze got served, that is.

Cuz that always turns them Dance Mom frowns upside down.

Everyone grabbed a champagne glass and toasted to Melissa and Sisterhood one last time as they hugged it out.  This was it.

The last time they would all be getting Ziegler wid it.

Who knows what the future holds for the Z-Team.  Only time will tell.

But I’ll miss you kids.  And you too, Melissa.

Almost as much as you’re gonna miss me, right?

mfAnd scene.

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Dance Moms: When The Music Stops, It’s All Over. Maddie And Mackenzie’s Final Moments With The ALDC.

May 4th, 2016

eb

 

 

Well you know this s***’s all going on eBay tonight. I don’t need your Lifetime checks, Boo.

 

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Buh Bye.

 

kph

 

 

 

 

I’m just saying I got my phone on me 24/7 and not one of you could call for my damn hat size?

 

cbp

 

 

 

You can all have jackets if you don’t mind Paige, Brooke and Chloe being embroidered on them. It’s all I got.

 

rrk

 

 

 

Would’ve been nice if someone told me you were all like 2 feet tall before I paid good money for this dress. I can’t breath.

 

Tumblr_m9w84jlGcs1rr2hb0o1_500

 

 

 

 

Buh Bye.

 

hjc

 

 

 

 

Girl…I know I didn’t spend 3 hours in a salon chair just to wear a Joan Collins hat all afternoon.

 

 

 

And just like that.

The end of an era.

zorro7_zpsf6605685

After 6 seasons of twists, turns, tears and orthodontics (…remember when you couldn’t be on the ALDC team unless you had braces?…) it was finally time to say goodbye to Maddie and Mackenzie this week as Dance Moms sent La Famiglia Ziegler off into the Hollywood sunset in search of bigger and better opportunities.

Their time at the Abby Lee Dance Company was coming to an end.

Or at least the TV Show part.

And the Elite Competition part.

But beyond that, everyone was a little fuzzy on whether MackZ would be retaining her copyrighted Hip Hop persona and still dropping it like it’s hot back in Pittsburgh while Maddie was off padding her resume with more acting gigs and SiaStuff.

I guess only time will tell.

Regardless, they were moving on.  Saying goodbye to Hollywood, as it were.

Had it really been 6 years already?  What happened to these little squirts?

fe95cea0-ac0a-0132-454e-0ebc4eccb42fIt seems like only yesterday.

Especially since I blew off last week and didn’t do a recap, right?

I know.

tumblr_o5iyk8GrX41tb8iyko1_500How many times you want me to say it?

Side note:  I got more #HateTweets for missing a recap than I get when I actually write a recap.  Make up your mind, people.

I don’t think I understand how the internet works anymore.

After a week that saw the return of a whole bunch of ALDC Minis, followed by the exit of at least one ALDC Mini (…I believe that brings the count back down to 4 again…) it was finally time to bid the Zieglers adieu.

Full disclosure:  I have absolutely no idea how many of these hyper Minis are actually in the building at any given time now, because some weeks we seem to go from none to 100 in the span of just one commercial break.

And don’t they say that for every one Mini you can see, there’s at least 10 you can’t see?

Maybe that’s field mice.  Or squirrels in the attic.  I forget.

aeBut they’re so stinking cute it doesn’t even matter.  Look at that li’l nugget.

This was going to be a busy week for everyone at the ALDC.  And hectic.  And more than likely, emotionally awkward as everyone dealt with the Ziegler exit in their own way.

Like Abby, for instance, who chose ‘denial’ as an option, resulting in Melissa making this face a whole bunch o’ times during the Pyramid of Shame.

m

Really.

It was like Abby wasn’t even going to address the fact that two of her top dancers were checking out at the end of the week.  What do you think of that, Melissa?

mThis week was also Head Shot Week for the new Minis, which kinda sorta implied that maybe the tiny tots would be receiving permanent team status.

Or not.

Regardless, given Abby’s track record for multi-tasking, the general consensus was that a photo shoot could potentially take some attention away from the Elite team and the Ziegler’s last week with the ALDC.  What do you think of that, Melissa?

mWith so much activity this week, we’ll skip the Pyramid to save some time.

Just know that Maddie was on top because she came in Fourth Place and Brynn was on the Bottom because she came in Third Place.

And Ashlee made this face because Dance Math is hard.

ashSince this was Maddie and Mackenzie’s last week (…Drinking Game Alert…) everyone had hoped that Abby might have some Words of Wisdom for the girls as their time with the team came to a close.  You know…something motivational and/or inspirational.

Something other than “I took these girls from their average, suburban, hum drum, Sam’s Club, Costco Sample Day, get your hair done at JCPenney, Buy One Get One at Old Navy, Blue Collar life of misery and made them stars,” I mean.

Because that totally happened.

And then Holly made this #HollyFace a few million times.

hAnd this one.

h1I heart Holly.

This week, the gang was headed to New York Dance Experience in Riverside, CA, which is another one of those competitions where you get your critique right on stage the minute you finish dancing before you can even grab your water bottle.

I’m not sure how safe it is from a hydration point, but I find it enjoyable.

The Big Girls would be performing (…freakin’ finally…) a Hip Hop routine, since the Z’s both love doing Hip Hop.  And it’s their last week.

And time to take another shot.

giphy-1Both Maddie and MackZ scored solos, because…you know.  And the Minis got assigned one of Kendall‘s old numbers (…the ‘Kiss’ one…) and even got KK to help with the flashback choreography, which made my MomCrush Jill pretty happy.

Tiny Areana would also be performing a solo in tribute to her brother, Jordan, who suffered a disabling brain injury after open heart surgery when he was 3 months old.

If you didn’t cry a little bit when her Mom, Sari, told that heart wrenching story surrounded by all the Minis in a group hug, then I’m afraid we can’t be friends anymore.

sI can’t even imagine.

acryI also can’t imagine how a 4 year old already knows how to cry and dab her eyeballs like she’s on a soap opera.  I love this kid so much.  To Infinity & Beyond.

Out on the MomBleachers as the kids got to rehearsing, everyone was curious if Melissa recalled what Maddie and Mack’s first solos were 6 years ago back in Pittsburgh.

Google Results:  A picture-in-picture moment that was part retrospective, part Super Bowl.

pip

Let’s go to the video tape.

fbMackenzie’s so-not age appropriate gold bullion earrings, tho.

Darling, I’m getting bored with this interview.  Somebody get my Hello Kitty fur stole and have the valet bring the Barbie corvette around front, please.

I just can’t.

Side note:  Randomly insert #CryingMomFace wherever you would like this week.

hug

Side note #2:  Are we just not going to address this handbag?  Are those LED lights?

bag

The next day was Head Shot Day and the Minis all arrived like they were pulling up to the Warner Brothers Studio lot or something.  What is this kid even looking at right now?

ari

You bettah werk.  Flashbulb.  Flashbulb.  Two snaps.  Flashbulb. Flashbulb.

image1

Needless to say, Abby barely acknowledged that the Big Girls were even part of this episode as she bounced between all the Minis rambling about Legacies and Duck Faces.

What do you think of that, Melissa?

m

Full disclosure:  Right around here somewhere was a really messy interaction between Sari and Melissa that didn’t go over very well on Twitter.  I’m not even touching it.

You know how we play here.

Please take all remaining issues to a chat room of your choosing.

We need to keep it light.  Because it’s lunch time.

giphy-2Ok, Ashlee.  Today you can.

All the Big Girl Moms played nice for an afternoon and went to lunch together where they reminisced, told old war stories, cried some more and then raised their glasses in a toast to the Sisterhood of the Traveling Dance Bag.

Look at how Ashlee’s glass is already half empty and Kira’s on her second refill.

toastgiphyFinally, it was Showtime!

And time for the Original Recipe Moms to arrive at the venue all like..tumblr_m4bcqiubv01qhie18o11_250jhttumblr_nj0xs0vzBd1tmcmg4o8_400m2opening-credits-13-joan-collins.nocrop.w529.h414What the what?

And why are they doing makeup on the Dark Shadows set?  Is that a candelabra?

candWhere do you even buy one of those in 2016?

Film_727w_Innocents_originalTurns out that the hats weren’t (…just…) a fashion misstep, but also a not-so-subtle representation of how the Moms were all in Mourning because it was their last competition with the Zieglers.  Because, you know…it is.

Peyton‘s Mom (…whose hair looked nice this week…) thought they were all being straight up bougie and didn’t want any part of it, thank you.

She’s sassy.

peyAfter Abby offered up yet another exceptionally awkward pep talk…

m…it was time to dance.

And to see Rachelle ‘Sas’ Rak as emcee!  Whaaaaaat?

Dat’s rite.  My girl was off the judge’s table and up on stage running this whole shindig for a change.  Mama knows where the good lighting is.

Bonus:  Here’s another shot of Rachelle driving to work.  You can tell it’s a different day than the last competition because the plane is facing the other direction.

wonder-woman-invisible-jetAnd here’s another shot of the night she took a bunch of her friends out to dinner and one of them was so drunk he couldn’t find his phone or the plane.

tumblr_mcrc7frd9O1qirsuqo1_500Fun Fact:  Broadway people are hilarious.

Side note:  Rachelle’s micro dress must have been made out of the same fabric as her plane, because you could barely see either one from the stage.

Dang, girl.  Put some clothes on, there’s kids in the room.

I love her, you know.

Areana was up first with the dance for her brother.  And Jordan was there in the auditorium!  He made it for the performance and it was so emotional from start to finish.

Even when Abby went up to meet him before the show started you couldn’t help but get a little misty.  Look at how excited he was to see his little sister perform.

jAfter the routine, Rachelle sent Areana down into the audience to hug her brother and I may or may not have lost it for second.  She loves him so much.

ajNext up was Mackenzie and some naughty editing showing Abby on her iPhone.

I see what you did there.

amClearly, the days of MackZ bouncing around in a mouse onesie are long gone.

The judge even called her a “Powerful Pocket Rocket…”

ERsSj…which I’m just going to blame on Rachelle’s dress and move on.

And then it was time for Maddie’s solo.  And time for everyone to get choked up.

zieglerlastdanceThis was it.  The last one.

For all the squawking and talking about it, the time had finally arrived.

Melissa ugly cried.

melAbby did whatever this thing is and then ugly cried as well.

almI’m pretty sure Holly even thought that it was Nia‘s last dance and started bawling.

bangs-1

#Bangs.

nm

When it was over, Melissa was really starting to percolate over Abby’s lack of concern and attention for her daughters, given the fact that they were leaving the studio forever in 3 hours.  Abby’s focus seemed to be only on the Minis and the Minis and the Minis.

And the Minis.

And Melissa wasn’t liking it.

Backstage, Abby gave one last (…slightly snarky…) pep talk to everyone, pointing out that the Zieglers may be leaving for something bigger and better…or not…and that it may just be a blessing in disguise for (…slightly subtle camera shot…) others.

n#NoBangs.

Check out Brynn getting all like ‘What’s Happening Right Now?’ 

bm

And then somehow Sari and Melissa started screaming at each other and Kira stood up for the Old Moms while the New Moms rallied behind Sari right before Melissa blurted out that “The fans will not love you.”

What?  And why didn’t Kira get a hat?

To ease the tension, here’s a photo of Jill and Melissa at Graduation.

mjvBy the time the Minis hit the stage in their little KissLip dresses, I think we were all ready for some light hearted pre-school tumbling.

kissFashion Watch:  You can eyeball it or grab an actual tape measure, but I swear Rachelle’s dress is the exact same size as that kid on the end.  Am I right?

rrkmGah, I love this chick.  How do I not have a walk-on part in Hamilton yet?

And then it was time for Maddie and Mackenzie to perform with the ALDC Elite Team one last time.  And time for the ugly crying to get even uglier.

tumblr_o6mc809Tl11tb8iyko1_500tumblr_o6mca1aRvv1tb8iyko1_500By the time Rachelle called Mom up on stage, it was all over.

Melissa was a mess.

wiig-out

Look at Rachelle trying to do something with Melissa’s hat hair.  Good luck with that.hathAwards:  Areana…Second Place.  Mackenzie didn’t even place, which was not cool for her last ever ALDC thingamajig.  Imma need to see some judge’s sheets asap.

Maddie took First Place for her solo, which lead to a quick #MorphingMaddie video montage where they magically spun her from kindergarten up to the present day.

Like this.  But not really.

Oo9vbNeedless to say, both the Minis and the Big Girls took First Place for their group dances.

Which called for a party.

Which, conveniently enough, was all set up back stage with balloons and cake and those exploding pop sparkler things that can poke your eye out if you don’t point them in the right direction.

Side note:  Nia and Mackenzie clearly know how to party, because cake and toot horns were flying everywhere.  I love these kids.  And were those Tiffany bags?  Excuse me?

mdd

Unfortunately, Melissa wasn’t feeling it.

Abby still wasn’t saying any final words to the girls, except for critiquing their last dances.

She saw mistakes.  And Melissa saw RED.

mzgI’m done.  I’m leaving.

Some screaming.  Some head shaking and hand waving.

Not the way I thought it would end.  Unfinished business is The.  Worst.

The cake looked good, but the rest of the party tanked pretty fast.  The Minis got a spot on next week’s Pyramid as the Old Moms tried to figure out how to get Melissa and Abby to talk it out.  Maybe at the Mid-Season Reunion coming up next week?

The one where Jai Rodriguez stole my hosting gig.  That one.

From the Mouths of Babes:  Mack said stay humble and positive.  So I will.  For now.

mckzAnd then it was over.

Melissa took off.

Everyone else enjoyed a few more awkward moments before scooting out.

And then the Zieglers were gone.

Vanished into thin air.

Forever?

fireball-z-smoke-trail-zorro-fireballWe miss you already, kids.

Peace Out.

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