Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Are All Back For One Last Chance To Say Hello And Goodbye.May 11th, 2016
Does that fool even watch the show before he writes his blog? None of this makes any sense.
You try finding a sitter in LA. They’re all at the beach or waiting tables until they get a call back.
Dunno if it’s all this screaming or my new glasses, but something’s about to give me a stroke.
My old gig shaving beards off burly lumberjacks don’t seem so scary now, does it? Girl, pleez.
I know if they put this graphic over my new dress one more time, Imma need to see that little man in the headset asap.
Not quite so tight, honey. Mama’s still not wearing a bra.
Now sit yo’self down and stay there, please. Because it’s time.
Time for big hair and even bigger drama as all your favorite Dance Moms put on their fancy clothes and head back down into that mysterious underground bunker for another Reunion Special.
Season 6 is half in the bag. Let’s see how it’s gone so far, shall we?
Once Abby Lee Miller shows up, I mean.
Dat’s rite. Tardy for the Party. Again.
Abby was just pulling into the parking lot as the Moms all finished up hair and makeup and got situated in their plush new seating arrangement. Because it wouldn’t be a Dance Moms Reunion if it didn’t start in complete chaos, right?
Look at Holly sitting on the set waiting for Abby.
Don’t even get a school principal started on Punctuality.
And while we’re on the subject: How about that shiny new set?
Everything got another Beyoncé Upgrade, yo.
Including the audience, who clearly had gone thru some kind of sped-up soap opera growth spurt since the last Reunion Special and now looked less like a bunch of kids waiting to get slimed at the Nickelodeon Awards and more like a J. Crew casting call for the Fall 2016 catalog. I can’t be the only one who noticed that.
They even had a stricter dress code than the Moms: Shades of Blue and Green or you don’t get a wristband. No exceptions.
Except for this one lady with the pink top, who gets a Pass because I’m pretty sure it’s Oprah in disguise. Look at the lady behind her thinking this means she’s getting all those Christmas presents for free.
My boy Jeff Collins was MIA, replaced by Jai Rodriquez and his OhNoSheDin’t eyeballs and jaw drop, which he put to good use throughout the entire hour.
You remember Jai.
Up until now, he’s probably best known for cleaning up all kinds of hot messes on Bravo’s Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. Even though he was the show’s ‘Culture Vulture,’ I swear he was the one who taught us how to use Crest Whitestrips every week.
But that was back in the day. Now Jai’s probably best known for taking the hosting gig that should have been mine. Not complaining. Just throwing it out there.
Side note: I actually got some DMs asking me if Jeff was okay, since the whole world knows how tight we are…but honestly, he hasn’t spoken to me since I made fun of his GIANT pocket square a few Reunions ago. Remember that?
It’s been like 3 years, dude. Let it go.
And check out these two ladies. They can’t believe that one chick totally disregarded the dress code memo and wore red anyway.
Abby was late. And she forgot her bra.
And did this on national television.
…from that time when Abby had tan lines and was on whatever show that was where two loud ladies figure out your real cup size and then announce your measurements like they’re winning Lotto numbers.
Check out how fast the red car is going so they don’t have to see anything wobbling.
Forty minutes into taping and Abby still had not found her seat next to Jai, so my other behind-the-scenes boy decided to just throw it to the first dance of the evening before Lifetime stuck another Little Women repeat in his time slot.
Srsly. Look at the vein in his head and the show hasn’t even started yet.
Notice how Melissa got the NeNe Seat next to Jai? I see what you did there, Lifetime.
Q. Why is Jai so far away from everyone? There’s not even anything on that little table.
The first round of discussions focused on how Melissa had announced the Zieglers’ departure from the show, so you know there was a lot of legal MyLawyerSaid blah blah blah flying everywhere. Abby still couldn’t let that one go and for some reason felt that the announcement should have been made at a CNN press conference.
Because she totally said that.
Like somehow Maddie and Mackenzie leaving Dance Moms was akin to Cuba finally letting in the Kardashians.
You. Sit down. Nia‘s still on the show. Relax.
MomCrush Jill: I dunno.
Abby cut in and announced that Kendall would be re-recording some of her old songs as well as coming out with a new song and eventually an album. Not sure if that was a show of support or a clever way to distract poor KK from getting more solos in Season 6.5.
Look at Abby calling everyone losers but doing it with the wrong hand.
The question made for a smooth segue into the whole Brynn vs. Old Maddie vs. New Maddie saga, causing Jill and Ashlee to get so stirred up that they went another couple of rounds on who called whose kid stupid, pretty much reenacting the last 18 weeks of confrontations in much nicer clothes.
Lawsy. And my Daddy won’t be home for hours.
Tiffany and Kerri.
Oh. Never mind. There she is.
My bad. Still there.
Tell me the two of them don’t look exactly like Renee and Carla right before they used to throw down in Staten Island.
Renee and Carla:
That’s not a bad thing. I love all four of those ladies. But you know I nailed it.
Game Time: Mob Wives or Dance Moms?
Sari felt that the touching dance Areana had done in honor of her brother last week had been downplayed, which opened up that whole can of worms again. Between what Melissa said and didn’t say and what was edited and not edited…you know I’m still not touching that one.
Not even with that 10 microphone pole that Abby keeps shutting in the office door frame.
Not gonna do it.
Especially when it’s just about to get real good.
Jai-by Baby asked Abby what her biggest concern was now that she was in the middle of all this legal dramzzzz. You know. The federal investigation into missing money and stuff.
Yeah. He went there.
Abby was all like…
And what about when Abby was missing in action for so many competitions?
What sup wid dat? Anyone? Jessalynn?
My Three Favorite Things:
Did she just say–?
Side note: Remember when Chloe’s Mom sent me that photo of Holly reading a book and eating an apple next to a dumpster? It was so random that it was probably the most awesome thing anyone has ever given me that wasn’t clothes.
Jessalynn got all like…
And then Abby got all like…
Luckily, the Voice of Reason took over as Holly defused the situation by discussing how she had taken matters into her own hands and gotten the girls some #DebbieFace time with Debbie Allen.
Look at how #KrazyHappy Holly looks right there. I forget why.
Disclaimer: I’m gonna pretend that Jai didn’t ask Holly how she felt now that Nia was one of the last remaining original ALDC dancers, because…duh…she’s the ONLY remaining original ALDC dancer left and…ummm…
Unfortunately, that Moment of Clarity (…still available online, FYI…) was just the calm before the storm, because all of the sudden the whole crew was back on that whole #BabySitGate scandal again.
Did she or didn’t she?
Did Kira really pawn Kalani off on Melissa for 3 months so she could take her newborn baby to the park in peace? Did Melissa feel used? Who was Kira really aiming for when she threw that water bottle? Did Melissa really not sleep for 7 days worrying about Kalani’s sore back? Does Melissa even know that if someone has a broken back they’d probably be paralyzed right now and not doing African dance with Nia?
And isn’t it racist to make all the people with glasses sit in the same section?
Or at least hilarious? How does that even happen?
Who knows. And who cares.
All that really matters is that we got to hear Jess tell Kira that she she’s not actually the most brightest person in the room one more time.
True Fact: At every Reunion there’s at least one guy who gets tricked into showing up cuz they tell him it’s a sports bar. I love this show.
And then it was down to the last 6 minutes of Melissa’s time on Dance Moms.
Which meant that we got one last montage of tears and giggles and Kristie Ray and Melissa flashing the other set of Ziegler girls to an unsuspecting Mardi Gras float.
And Kelly and Christi, too! We miss them so much!
If you’re keeping score, we even got to see half of Rachelle Rak‘s face while Melissa ugly cried at the microphone again.
Half? Really? You’ll be hearing from our sassy lawyers soon.
Side note: I think I forgot to mention that the Ghost of Season One Abby showed up for a brief second in the Green Room. Because it did. And if I’m lying, I’m dying.
Abby broke down a little and talked about the passing of her Mom and Broadway Baby when asked how she felt about the changes in her life.
Even Ashlee teared up as everyone started saying their goodbyes to Melissa. Shout out to Brynn’s Mom for showing some love for Mackenzie.
I may or may not have even had to dramatically blot for a second.
Cuz that always turns them Dance Mom frowns upside down.
Everyone grabbed a champagne glass and toasted to Melissa and Sisterhood one last time as they hugged it out. This was it.
The last time they would all be getting Ziegler wid it.
Who knows what the future holds for the Z-Team. Only time will tell.
But I’ll miss you kids. And you too, Melissa.
Almost as much as you’re gonna miss me, right?