Dance Moms: So You Think You Can Dance On The Jerry Springer Show? The Real Housewives Of Atlanta Do…

January 29th, 2014

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Dear Diary: Today Kendall’s Mom was wearing another fur vest. Make it stop.

 

 

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Because I will get all this up on that damn stage and show you how we do it in ATL.

 

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Lawd have mercy. I look over there and sure ’nuff…nuthin’ but crazy ladies.

 

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Don’t make me throw my chair at you, Bitch!

 

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Lawd have mercy. I look over there and sure ’nuff…nuthin’ but crazy ladies.

 

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Please. I don’t even care if I dance. Just take me home with you. Get me outta here before I lose it.

 

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Srsly, Girlfriend. This is THE most ratchet Bake Sale I’ve ever worked at.

 

 

 

 

Abby!!  Abby!!  Abby!!

With apologies to Jerry Springer.

And NeNe Leakes, of course.

And anyone else who has ever gotten hit by flying talk show furniture or slapped by a tightly wound Atlanta woman at a Reunion Show.

Dance Moms packed up their zebra print luggage and headed Down South this week for an emotional tribute to the Civil Rights Movement and the second of three Open Call Auditions for potential spots on the Abby Lee Dance Company Dream Team.

That’s right.  If you think you can dance…and yo’ mama’s crazy…come on down and slap a gigantic number on your leotard, kids.  The ALDC is looking for some fresh meat.

But that will have to wait for a few minutes.

You just stretch out and fix those feet while we try and explain how Jerry Springer got higher billing on the marquee this week than Abby Lee Miller.  Because he totally did.

And it was awesome.

For a change of scenery, we started this week’s festivities with a stroll through the academic halls of Casa Ziegler-Gisoni where Maddie and Mackenzie were hard at work highlighting important stuff in their school books.

As you’ll recall, Mom Melissa had made the decision to home school her two girls this year so they would have more time to dance and less time to talk about boys in study hall.

Personally, I don’t really know enough about home schooling to make any judgements.

Speaking for myself, I know I’d miss the fish sticks and Salisbury Steak Day.  Not to mention eating that paste that looked like cottage cheese.  But I think I’ll just let people debate the subject over in one of those Gymboree chat rooms where they complain about expired grocery store coupons and defective overall snaps, because I really don’t want to get in the middle of this one.

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Especially when my girl Jill was literally roaming Melissa’s kitchen in full fur and makeup at 7am.  Seriously.  Who does that?  And did she at least bring donuts?

Jill had recently begun to wonder if Kendall‘s dance career could also benefit from less Reading, ‘Riting and ‘Rythmatic and more Relevé, Retiré and Rond de jambe and was doing some early morning research on the subject by backing Melissa up against the sink to get all the deets on home schooling.

1:  Yes, I totally had to Wikipedia those dance terms.  2:  How many fur vests does Jill own?  She’s gotta be on a PETA Watch List or something by now.  I totes heart Jill.

Since it’s impossible for anyone to focus on the intricacies of the Industrial Revolution and long division while two Moms are having a YakFest on the other side of the breakfast counter, the perky young teacher’s aid who was assisting the girls kicked both Melissa and Jill out of the house and sent them off to the mall for a few hours so M&M could wrap this up before the Pyramid of Shame.

And speaking of.

Kendall, Mackenzie, Brooke and Paige were on the bottom row this week.  Kendall had come in Second Place at last week’s competition.  Which was still the First Loser.

Anyone could do that math.  Home schooled or not.

Brooke and Paige had some low kick and high posture issues.  They’ve both been kinda phoning it in over the last few weeks, but only because Mom Kelly has been so uncharacteristically low key that I keep forgetting the Hylands are still on the show.

But don’t you worry.  TMZ said the s***’s gonna get real this season.  And TMZ never lies.

Second row was tag-teamed by Nia and Maddie.  Which made Mom Holly proud.  And happy.  And exceptionally smiley.

Side note:  Lifetime seriously needs to just replace those new Choreographer’s Cut fluff episodes with an hour of nothing but HollyFaces looping over and over like a screensaver.

If Disney isn’t using Holly’s Pennsylvania license photo in their animation department by now the world doesn’t even make sense anymore.

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So that basically left Chloe for the top spot.  I swear she grows an inch per week.

This time the ALDC gang was headed to the Masters of Dance Arts competition in Atlanta, Georgia.  And if there is one thing we’ve learned from Bravo TV over the years, it’s that Atlanta knows how to throw a party.

And throw down at that party.

Especially during Open Call Auditions.  I can already tell that we’re going to have to skim over some of the usual Pittsburgh Mama Drama to get to the good stuff this week.

Paige, Chloe and Kendall scored a 40’s Swing Band-ish Southern Belle trio, while Maddie would be performing a ballet routine.  Just take your trophy and save your ankles.

But it was Mackenzie who won the lottery this week.  She was entered in the Lip Sync Division.

I know, right?  Shut.  Up.

Who even knew there was such a thing?  After 4 seasons they finally decide to tell us that there is a Lip Synch Division?

Seriously.  My online registration and check would have been on their desk three years ago if I had known you could win a crown for lip synching.  Bitch, pleez.

As mentioned earlier, the group routine was going to be an educational, inspirational, historical, phantasmagorical, Academy Award winning (…take a breath, Abby…) tribute to the Civil Rights Movement, with Nia taking the lead role.  Which opened up a whole ‘nother can o’ worms again.

After all these years of fighting back against choreographical profiling (…did I just make that term up?…) Holly wasn’t sure what to think about the production when it was first revealed.

On one hand, the Civil Rights Movement was clearly one of the most important pivotal moments in US History and would not only give Nia a chance to prove she’s got the chops to be a star, but also solidify her spot on the ALDC Team.

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But on the other hand, Holly really wasn’t in the mood for another afro wig-wearing Laquifa Whaaat? Death Drop on the resumé.  Mother and Daughter have worked waaaay too hard on their new hair to take a step back.  No thank you.

It should also be noted that during the Pyramid, Abby was attempting to rock one of Jill’s signature cold shoulder cut-out tops.

Now I’m not trying to be mean.  I know they’re all the rage right now.  Bob Mackie even said so on QVC last month when someone called in to rave about his stretch pants.

1:  I only watch QVC for research.  2:  Sorry.  The cold shoulder cut-out only works in certain sizes.  At some point in the manufacturing process it goes from being a trendy wardrobe necessity to looking like you were climbing around in the attic searching for a box of Christmas decorations and caught your sleeve on a nail.

Moving on.

As the kiddos all rehearsed various routines, the Moms hit the MomPerch and went a few rounds on the subjects of home schooling and favoritism.  Same discussions as last week, just different outfits.  Not sure where this Buy One Get One fur vest sale was taking place, but the Moms sure got their money’s worth this week.

At some point during the heated debate, Abby started shaking what her Mama gave her down in the studio and for some reason it reminded Jill of a time when they all went to lunch and Abby sneezed so hard that she got boogers in her hair.  Really.

Don’t ask.  And definitely don’t try that one at home, kids.

Then it was off to ATL for the Open Call Auditions.  And for complete and utter chaos.

Melissa and Holly had accompanied Abby down to Atlanta earlier than the rest of the Moms in order to help out with logistics and to run the ALDC Pop Up Store, which turned out to just be a card table and a pile of ALDC tee shirts.  Bummer.

What I thought would look like Madonna‘s souvenir booth at Madison Square Garden ended up being one of those church bazaar tables where the little old ladies always sit selling mittens and homemade rhubarb jam.  I think I just got my hopes up too high.

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As approximately 2.5 million kids wearing the biggest Flava Flav marathon number ID tags I’ve ever seen all stampeded the stage, Abby lost control of the room.  It was hard to get an accurate head count since they were all moving so fast and I didn’t really want to risk freeze framing my DVR and then having to explain how the image of 100 little girls in tube tops got burned into my plasma screen.

So we’ll just go with 2.5 million, give or take.

Abby was cutting them from the competition almost as soon as the music started.  Too slow.  Too fast.  Too complicated.  Too crimped.

Oy.  That poor girl with the crimped ’80s hair.  You could tell Mom just kept trimming those brittle ends as they broke off until one day she ended up with a hairstyle that had a mind of its own.  Just put it down and walk away from the crimper.  Now.

Abby then cut one little noodle of a girl who nervously came back out of the shadows and asked for another chance.  Remember when Cindy Lou Who asked the Grinch why he was stealing all the ornaments?  It was like that.

As far as I could tell, most of the audience seemed to be from the same family.  At least that’s how it appeared when Abby kicked one girl off the stage for changing her outfit in the middle of an audition.  Because you don’t do that.  Otherwise you won’t be known as the Girl in the Purple anymore.

Everyone was out of their seats.  Screaming and yelling.  Give her another chance!  She can dance in her underwear!  (…Wait.  What?…)  Her dance teacher made her change!

Let her dance!  Let her dance!

Check the videotape, because I swear that Salt & Pepa jumped out of their seats and went after Abby right then.  Or maybe it was the girls from TLC (…the group, not the network…) who charged the stage.  I dunno.  But it was madness.  Awesome madness.

Melissa literally just sat there motionless dialing 911 under the table while Holly got so distracted she didn’t even notice two girls steal a tee shirt and refrigerator magnet.

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I’ll bet you good money that the extended scenes in the DVD box set will show tasers and riot gear.  Maybe even smoke canisters.

It really was The Jerry Springer Show.

There was so much confusion that I almost didn’t even notice another batch of former AUDC ringers in the mix.  Shout out to that Mom who always tried to blame everything on being from Nebraska.

GO Huskers!!!

Honestly, after the auditions the competition almost didn’t matter.

Except for the group number.  Which was amazeballs.

Nia destroyed the competition and made her Mom cry.  Don’t forget that I told you awhile back this was going to be the International Year of the Nia.  Because it is.

And you heard it here first.

Maddie did a Maddie job on her ballet, even though it’s not her thang.

Kenzie didn’t keep the microphone up by her mouth the whole time, which drove me crazy even though I’m sure it’s harder than it looks to dance and lip synch all at the same time.

Just ask Britney Spears.

Oh, snap.

And then it was over.

One more set of auditions in New York City to go before Abby finally figures out what’s up with her new and improved ALDC Team.

And it’s anybody’s guess.

Because No One Is Safe.

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Dance Moms: Witch, Pleez. There’s A Big Dangerous House Droppin’, Booty Poppin’ Storm Moving In On Virginia.

January 22nd, 2014

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I don’t care if you all come in like a damn Wrecking Ball or a Butterball. Just drop it hard on her head.

 

 

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Phhffffft. Bitch.

 

 

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Whoa. This is not my fault. Nobody told me you lose points for dressing up like an Amish furniture maker.

 

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It is what it is, y’all. Haters gonna hate cuz this Mama still knows how to rock her Bump-It. Werk.

 

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Check it before you wreck it, Gurlz. Baby don’t need no solo when she’s looking this Fierce, mmkay?

 

 

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Still a Bitch.

 

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I could totally pull off one of those Kardashian selfies. Not bad for 2 kids.

 

 

 

Pop Quiz.

Are you a Good Witch or a Bad Witch?

Or just the owner of a dance studio?  Because it’s a fine line nowadays.

And Dance Moms went there this week, stirring up the competitive Dark Side.

Good vs. Evil.  Mom vs. Mom.  Kendall vs. Chloe.  And of course…ALDC vs. CADC.

After an almost perfect showing in Orlando, it was time to ramp up for the next competition as the gang all hustled in for the latest Pyramid of Shame.

Well, except for Payton that is, who did more of a klunk klunk foot drag kind of thing than an actual hustle since she was now on wobbly crutches after going down hard right before last week’s group routine.

You remember that, right?  When Payton tripped on something backstage and all those big, beefy EMTs came rushing into the makeup room to save the day?  And Christi laid down on the floor pretending that she needed CPR while Abby ran in circles like a St. Bernard rescue dog slobbering tongue goo all over the walls?

Yeah.  You remember.  It was Desperate Housewives: Pittsburgh Edition.

And now Payton was uncomfortably held up by crutches at the bottom of the Pyramid, and struggling to explain what really happened that fateful afternoon.

When she first hit the floor last week, word on the street was that she had flipped over a chair and gone down, but by the time the Chippendales ambulance arrived the story had already changed to something about tripping over Kendall.  And now, when confronted by Abby and several unnamed government sources, it turns out that Payton was allegedly mocking some random ballet dancer on stage at the time and may have actually wiped out simply due to the fact that she was born with two left feet.

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Busted.

Paytongate.  We may never know the real answer.

Especially since Mom Leslie immediately blew another Walmart Nutty while claiming that her kid had tripped over a backstage prop (…Version…what are we up to now…#4?…) before Mom and Daughter were both kicked off the team and right out of the building.

Thanks for playing.  Game Over.

If you keep track of this kind of thing, Payton literally spent less time on camera this week than she did maneuvering herself in and out around the parking lot potholes.  And that’s gotta suck on crutches.

And then there were seven.

The rest of the bottom tier consisted of Kendall, Nia and Brooke.  Kendall was still paying the price for being late to the Orlando competition, thanks in part to Mom Jill taking too long to pack all her fur coats after attending another daughter’s event.  Brooke had forgotten some choreo (…that’s what the Cool Kids call ‘choreography’ nowadays…) and Nia had blended in…which I would have assumed isn’t really a bad thing in a group number.  But I’m no dance teacher, so there’s that.

Not gonna lie.  I really want Nia to get her Moment To Shine.  I do.  But I also really enjoy her ‘OhHellNoBitchPleezYouDidNotJustGoThere’ Face every time Abby sticks it to her in front of the other girls.  You do not wanna make Nia snap her fingers in a Z Formation.

Trust me.  You just don’t.

The middle row of The Pyramid was home to Chloe, Paige and Mackenzie.  There was still some unsolved drama over how Chloe and Kendall had managed to swap spots in the program after it had gone to print that would drag through the entire episode.  I forget why Paige was there in the middle.  I almost forgot Paige was there all together if we’re being honest.  She hasn’t had much face time lately.

It should also be noted that Mackenzie had her Little Girl hair bow back on in her headshot but was still giving us Fish Lip Kissy Face Realness.  How old is this kid?  Really?

Maddie was at the top again.

I just cut & paste that sentence every week in case you were wondering.

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This week the gang was headed to Roanoke, VA for the Dance Troupe International competition (…DTI for those in the know…) where they would once again be going head to head with Ohio’s Evil Dance Lair.

Yup.  Candy Apples was gonna be back in the hizzle again.

To celebrate the return of Abby’s Evil Nemesis, the ALDC group routine was aptly but not so cleverly entitled “The Witches of East Canton” (…I see what you did there, Ms. Miller…) with Maddie playing a Good Witch who faces off against all the other Bad Witches in town.  This way, Abby could stick it to not only Cathy Nesbitt-Stein but also everyone sitting upstairs in the ALDC MomPerch all at the same time.

Multi-tasking?  Always Bonus Points.

Kendall and Chloe were assigned opposing solos again in yet another attempt at determining who would be Abby’s Number Two Girl in the highly unlikely event that Maddie is abducted by aliens and can no longer fulfill her duties as Top Dawg.

And then it was off to rehearsals, and to Ohio for an injection or two of testosterone.

That’s right.  The Candy Apples Boy Band had reunited and Cathy was positively giddy.

Zack Attack, Lady Killer Lucas and The Other Nick were all back together again with bad a** choreographer Blake McGrath, so you knew there would be one leg up in the air high kicks and screaming tweenybop girls for days.

And just to make certain the group routine would be amaze balls, Cathy had imported two new ringers for this week’s competition.

The Morales Kids!!

Who I guess are some brother/sister big dealio in the youtube world, but honestly I’m so far behind in my puppies riding skateboards and kittens playing piano videos that I haven’t even had a moment to catch my breath, much less begin Googling ‘Dance Phenoms.’

I’m sure their videos are da bomb.

Accompanied by their Mom (…who chews an awful lot of gum I gotta say…) Gavin and McKenzie Morales busted into the Jerky Store like the internet rockstars they are.

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Everyone went temporarily insane and then Blake got the party started, even though I’m pretty sure his hip hop pants were on backwards.

Gavin, who’s a tiny little squirt of a dancing machine and his sister McKenzie, not to be confused with the original recipe Mackenzie or Makenzie from Toddlers & Tiaras (…is it any wonder that my spellcheck never works anymore?…) reminded me of the two little salsa kids that Macy’s always rolls out during the Dancing With The Stars finale.  They were cuties and really seemed to know their shizz.

I’m also pretty sure the boy had frosted tips like ‘N Sync used to rock back in the day.

Bye Bye Bye.

Back in Pittsburgh, Chloe was working on her Miley Cyrus solo while Kendall struggled with a high energy M.I.A. bouncy ball dance.  But the real struggle was up in the MomPerch as Holly sat on Christi to prevent her from punching Jill in the throat again.

Seriously.  This drama over the program order is getting old.  How much longer, ladies?

I’m also beginning to wonder if Dr. Beyoncé actually uses any hot rollers or if just being around all these crazy moms 24/7 is making her hair look like that.  I like it.  Don’t get me wrong.  But sometimes I bet my girl just wants to let them chew each others’ faces off while she takes her new hair out the back door for an Herbal Essence Moment of Clarity.

Which you can buy here, if you so desire.  The book.  Not the shampoo.  The shampoo’s on sale at CVS if you use a coupon, though.

The remainder of the rehearsals leading up to the DTI competition were chock full of  the usual drama.  Jill wanted a level playing field between Kendall and Chloe.  Christi wanted to poke Jill in the eye socket and then sneak another peak at Chloe’s special top secret costume.  Kelly wanted Abby to stop picking on her kids for one (bleeping) day.  And Melissa just wanted better cell reception upstairs because it was taking waaay too long for her tweets to post.

At some point during all the hysteria, Kendall almost flat lined when she couldn’t catch her breath and Jill had to rush from the MomPerch to make sure her kid didn’t go into a full blown panic attack.  I really thought Christi was going to film it with her iPhone and put it up on Instagram since she was already downstairs taping Chloe’s rehearsal.  You know she totally thought about it for a second until Jill gave her Side Eye.

Finally, it was Showtime!

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And once again, the crowd went completely bazoinkers when the ALDC bus pulled up to the bumper.  Ba.  Zoinkers.

Backstage, Chloe unveiled her expensive, sparkly solo ensemble right before poor little Kendall shlepped out from behind the curtain in some last minute rags that Abby clearly pulled from an H&M clearance rack while the bus was gassing up across the street.

Srsly.  ‘SWAG?’  On a shirt?  D’Hell wuzzat?  No one even says that any more except for Justin Bieber and he’s a complete Tool.

Jill was not liking it.  At all.  But the show must go on even if somebody’s playing favorites in the costume closet.

Kendall’s SwagSolo was a little SoSlow.  Not swaggy enuff, according to Cathy, who kept talking the entire time  behind Jill’s seat until Mama Lion turned around and took a swipe at her suburban Ohio prey.

No, you shut up.

Chloe’s solo went well, but I had trouble hearing the music over the sound of Jill’s teeth grinding together.  Equal playing field my butt.  And cold shoulder cut outs.

I should also probably note that Jill’s hair was exceptionally big this week.  I’m thinking the new and improved Holly Frazier has forced Jill to step up her game.  Well played this week, Mrs. Vertes.  Well played.

But the group routines were when the game really started getting good.

The Candy Apples Wild Party dance crew hit the stage with one shiny suit leg up in the air as all the Boyz took turns tossing McKenzie 2014 around the stage.

Side note:  How tall is this Nick kid?  Seriously.  What he lacks in the Original Nick’s Dreamyosity he certainly makes up for in claymation flexibility.

And don’t even take this as a slam, because I looooved this movie.  But do you remember The Nightmare Before Christmas?  The Tim Burton one?  You tell me that Nick Daniels doesn’t look exactly like Jack Skellington with a Backstreet Boy Head.  All long arms and crazy legs going uncontrollably all over the place.

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How does he even do that?  That has GOT to hurt.

When Nick hit the stage he looked exactly like Jack Skellington when he fell down that tree hole into the Christmas Town snow bank.  And I was totes jealz.

What’s this?  What’s this?

I bet Gavin’s Mom would have swallowed her gum if she hadn’t had such a huge wad of Dubble Bubble in her mouth.

After the Candy Apples did their thang, the ALDC hit the stage all slicked back and contoured and witched-up.  Tonight when I hit the gym I’m totally cutting up my biceps with eye shadow like Nia did.  Pop them guns, Gurrrl.

And then there was nothing left to do but award some trophies.  Especially the one for Most Fierce Emcee Walk To The Stage Ever award.  Did you see that dude werk it from the back to the front like it was New York Fashion Week?  Wait.  What?

Kendall came in Second Place.  Which was not First Place.  So here we go again.  Sorry, Chloe took that spot.

Despite Blake’s lucky hat, the Candy Apples came in Second Place in the group category, which opened up a whole ‘nother can of fresh apple sauce backstage as Lucas’ Mom Brigette got all worked up about the Politics of Dancing, which coincidentally enough is also a song that she recently Shazamed on her iPhone.

Mama T. does love her Shazam app.  And we love her for it.

If you do the math, that meant that the ALDC pulled in First Place for their oh so subtle Good Witch/Bad Witch slam against the state of Ohio.  So there, Boyz.

Girl Power to the bazillionth.

But that doesn’t mean anyone (…except Maddie…and Mackenzie, of course, who pretty much comes as a free gift with purchase…) is safe from elimination.

Because the Open Auditions are back next week.

Game On, Witches.

Pow!  Pow!

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The Bachelor Flashback: If They Gave Out Roses For Saying The Same S#*! For 18 Seasons…In Under 2 Minutes.

January 18th, 2014

bachelor

Well.

That didn’t last very long.

Apparently the first Resolution I’ll be breaking this year is my goal of never mentioning The Bachelor or The Bachelorette or Bachelor Pad or any show that looks, sounds or smells like it was bred from the franchise on this site.

Ever.

Not that I don’t appreciate a good Hot Mess.  Because you know I do.

And the latest incarnation is just as messy as the 17 seasons that came before it, thanks to Venezuelan Juan Pablo Galavis and his stable of mujeres desesperadas.

That’s right.   Español.

You don’t have to be desperately searching for love to use Google Translate, thank you very much.  And they did that, you know, as they prepped for their one chance at telenovela-worthy romance.

Not to mention that ‘Loco’ sounds way cooler than ‘Crazy’ when you’re sobbing your way out of a camera shot and losing your nutty in a limousine, right?

But just in case you’ve been otherwise occupied in the Real World, I figured it couldn’t hurt to recycle this classic video one more time and give you a chance to catch up on the last 17 heart breaking, gut wrenching seasons of The Bachelor before you become too emotionally invested all over again this JUAN-uary.

Everything you ever missed in 17 seasons.  Ever.  In under two minutes.

Literally.

I still think Ben Flajnik said it best.

“I cried a little bit today, I’m not gonna lie.”

El amor es una perra.  

Google it.

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