Dance Moms: With Only Three Weeks Left At The ALDC, It’s Time To Hip Hop Or Pop Off For MackZ & Swaggy Lee.

April 20th, 2016




Moms better have my money before TMZ finds out these are real diamonds on my snap-back.






I literally can’t even keep my head up. How does she wear this every day and not pass out?






If this is Kanye tryna get in on my mix tape again, I’m not picking up. Lil’ Holly only raps solo, yo.















Telling you right now, if everyone’s gonna start rockin’ big a** bows then we’re all going back to name tags.






Sure, I got a shiner. But let’s just say the other guy won’t be stealing my look for awhile. BooYeah.






Dat’s rite. It’s been a week and #BANGS is still trending.  So, ummm…#WINNING.





Sup, homie?

1,2,3 and to the 4.

Swaggy Lee and MackZ is at the door.

And you can quote me and Snoop on that one…

…cuz it ain’t nothing but an ALDC Thang up in here this week.

Or at least that’s what Abby Lee Miller set out to prove as Dance Moms ditched the Capezios for Yeezys and attempted their first ever hip hop trifecta.

You heard me rite, Dawg.  Three hip hop routines at the same competition.

Spoiler Alert:  These three, maybe.  Nice hat, BTW.


And isn’t that gigantic bow on the wrong person?

Sorry.  Can’t give it all away yet.

So for now, just put your arms up in the ayah ayah…and your feet up on the couch…and let’s do this from the beginning.  Starting in the parking lot.

As all the Moms and ALDC Elites gathered before the Pyramid of Shame, it was clear to all involved that the team really needed a huge win this week to regain some traction on The Road to Nationals.

Q.  That’s still a thing, right?  The Road to Nationals?

Because they haven’t mentioned it even once this season, unless it’s still too early to start that mantra.  Maybe they’re saving it for Season 6B.  That could be it.

Which if fine, because honestly, the main topic of conversation for the next 3 weeks is all going to center around the Zieglers leaving the show, anyway.

Because they’re leaving the show, you know.  All of them.

Maddie, Mackenzie and Melissa.

In 3 weeks.


Official Ziegler Countdown Clock:


Official Ziegler Countdown Drinking Game:

tumblr_mk8746w9cC1ql5yr7o1_400You know what to do by now.

Once everyone made it inside the building, Abby banged out the Pyramid in record time.

Bottom Row:  JoJo, Brynn, Mackenzie and Nia.

Middle Row:  Kendall, Kalani and Maddie.

Top Row:  JoJo again.  Wait.  What?

I think I forgot to mention that when JoJo noted she had been in the basement almost every week this season, Abby snatched her head shot off the mirror and moved it up to the top, no questions asked.  Who knew it was that easy all this time?

Jessalynn made this face…

jsw…and noted that Abby was probably just sucking up to both of them since JoJo was most likely next in line for the coveted MaddieSpot in…count ’em…3 weeks.


Personally, I think she did it to give Ashlee an aneurism on national television.  Look at her chewing her own lips off so she doesn’t go to prison for manslaughter.


Side note:  I don’t even have enough animated drinking gifs on my hard drive to make it through this episode, so you’re gonna have to do most of the Ziegler Game on your own.

This week, the gang was headed to Sacramento, CA for another Xpressions Dance Competition.  Everyone seemed pretty excited, because they all clapped.

Fun Fact:  Adrienne Maloof and her overly exasperated husband Paul Nassif from the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills once owned the Sacramento Kings, but now they’re divorced and sitting on $535M they pocketed from selling the team.


He’s a plastic surgeon and she once washed a raw chicken in the sink with actual soap because that’s what stupid rich people do when their personal chef has the day off.

63cInitially, JoJo and Brynn were handed the only two hip hop solos, while Mackenzie got saddled (…pun absolutely intended…) with yet another Hoe Down Showdown’ tumble jumble mess…because Lord knows you can never have enough back bendin’, hand stand-in’, pig tailin’ cowgirl dances in 6 seasons, right?

Full disclosure:  I couldn’t find the exact cowgirl clip that I had in mind and was wasting too much time Googling it, so here’s Mackenzie patting a bunch of BeDazzled lemons hot glued to her head.  Please do enjoy.

tumblr_inline_mo51oioL7v1qz4rgpWith only 3 weeks left at the ALDC LA, you know MackZ wasn’t having any of that cowgirl nonsense.  No, ma’am.  Not having it.

She really wanted to do hip hop.  And all the Moms really wanted her to do hip hop.  And Abby was outnumbered.  And this probably wasn’t going to end well at a all.

Sure enough, Abby popped a nutty.

She told the girls to do whatever they wanted and then took off into her office, screaming something about the group routine’s ‘Broken Dreams’ title before slamming the door so hard that half of the scotch tape let go on whatever all that schedule-looking clutter was she had plastered all over the wood.

You see all that?  Buy a bulletin board, maybe.


With only 3 weeks left at the ALDC LA, you know Melissa wasn’t having any of this, either.

No, ma’am.  If Mackenzie wanted to do hip hop, then she should do hip hop.

And she was going to make that point clear to Abby by busting into the office and confronting her prey face to face.  Just like that lady who climbed into the Toronto Zoo tiger’s den this week because her sun bonnet blew over the fence.

What could possibly go wrong?

I dunno.  This maybe.


Ouch.  Abby refused to talk to Melissa and tried slamming the door on the microphone guy while his boom stick thingamajig was still inside the office.

One of these things.

Except that when he finally managed to pull it out of the door frame, the fuzzy part was completely missing.  Like she had chewed it off or something.


Meat on a stick.

Side note 1:  What exactly happened in there?

Side note 2:  Why do Sound Guys always wear crazy camp shirts?

The next day, Abby was still locked inside the office as Rumer Noel, Guy Amir and some new person named Olga showed up to help choreograph all the routines.

I didn’t even know they made short-sleeved hoodies.


I love Guy.

He has mad moves and a backwards BBoy cap, so you know he’s the #RealDeal.

Rumer is a crazy good hip hopper, too, even though I swear they spelled her name ‘Rumor’ last time.  But that could just be me not paying attention.

Wouldn’t be the first time.  Or the last.  This is only Episode #16.

And that new girl Olga seemed nice enough, too, even though she was dressed in a total Debbie Allen knock-off and disappeared as soon as Abby started freaking out again.  Anyone else notice that?  Where’d she even go that fast?

I swear.  Dancers are so light on their feet when they’re under duress.

So, yeah.  Abby wouldn’t come out of the office again.

Not even when Mystery Producer Man tried to coax her out of the cave with subtitles by reminding her she had previously stated it was ok for all the kids to do hip hop if that’s what they wanted.

Remember yesterday, woman?

Wait for it.


Next thing you know, Abby stuck her head out the office window all like…


…except that is was more like…


…and probably closer to ‘”Wazowski, you didn’t file your paperwork last night”


…and started screaming at Mystery Producer Man and anyone else who would listen about how stupid everyone was until she slammed the rolling window shutter down like you do when the Snack Bar runs out of ice cream and it’s time to hit the beach.

Which is exactly what Abby did.  Really.

She took off to the beach right in the middle of all the dramzzzz.  Cheers, suckahs.

Side note:  Why are these flowers still in plastic if they’re in a vase?

flBefore Abby could even squeal out of the parking lot, tho, the Moms tried to lay down behind the car to stop her from leaving.


She was outta there.

But she did manage to call Holly on her cell from around the corner, since we all know that everyone except me has Holly in their speed dial.

Short version:  Abby was losing it.  And, clearly, she wasn’t having any of this today.

And speaking of not having any of this right now.

Look at Gianna trying to focus while that lady is screaming 6 inches from her head.


Her headset isn’t even covering both ears.  Why is she yelling?

If you can hear us…we can hear you, honey.

gI love how they don’t even try to hide camera people anymore.  #Chaos.

While Abby was off somewhere lubing up with spf 75, the rest of the crew was trying their best to prep for the upcoming competition.  It was all hands on deck.

Rumer and Guy were running the hip hop solos while Ashlee and my MomCrush Jill momentarily slid back into their old ways when Ashlee accused the other Moms of not supporting Abby in all her legal issues.

Memo to Ashlee:  Probably not something you want to say to a bunch of Moms who left their husbands and/or assorted children and pets back home to try and keep this big ol’ ALDC LA boat afloat, thank you.

Jill wasn’t having it.  And neither was Kendall.

I forget when she made these faces, but it pretty much sums up the week.

kkse kkli

And then it was MackZ’s turn to lose it.

She was having a hard time with her hip hop choreography and despite the fact that Guy thought her shoes were really cool, she melted down and ran into yet another one of those bathroom/office situations that seem to be sprinkled all over the studio.  I swear that place has more hidden passageways and secret rooms than a haunted mansion.

Speaking of.  Here’s a scene from Dark Shadows where you can actually see the shadow from one of those microphone sticks that Abby shut in the door frame.

See how it all came together?


The Circle of Life.

Luckily, it was Holly to the rescue, even though I believe Melissa is the one listed as ‘Mother’ on the birth certificate.  Not sure how they crossed wires at that moment, but somehow Holly ended up going behind closed doors to check on Mackenzie while Melissa counted backwards from 3, if you know what I mean.

I love how Holly is always the Calming Force.

I also love how she kinda looks like Jordan Sparks with this hair.  Am I right?

jsWith one day to go, Abby decided to show up again, wearing her soda can hair rollers and carrying one of those Coke Adds Life paper cups that always crumple when you try and put the lid on them with one hand.aeahCheck-Yourself-Before-You-Wreck-Yourselfah1Coming or going, Cosmo says they give you luscious, beachy Kardashian waves.

Unfortunately, Abby didn’t even have time for a comb-out before she left the studio again.

What the what is her dealio this week?

Finally, it was Showtime!

Backstage, Ashlee didn’t want Brynn going onstage looking like a prison inmate, so she somehow made a gigantic hair bow materialize out of thin air and safety pinned it to her kid’s beanie.  Like this…

bbbWhich reminded Jessalynn of this, without the foot smelling part…

dance-moms-its-solo-battle-round-1-as-jojo-go-L-EPSpwN…and resulted in 27 minutes of ‘Why You Dressing Up Yo Kid Like My Kid?’ hilarity.

Oh.  And Swaggy Lee Miller showed up.  Did I forget that part?

Yo.  Sup?

bbhmLooking like a cross between those ladies who are always in the live audience for QVC‘s In The Kitchen With David and the DOT guy who waves the flag so you don’t fall into open man holes while they’re paving your school’s parking lot, Abby busted down the back door all blinged-out like Rihanna‘s drunk aunt screaming Moms Better Have My Money on Karaoke Night.  Cuz they bettah.

I just can’t anymore.  And neither could Jill.


Or MackZ.


Or Holly.

hf1Or Elmo.

giphy-5And maybe one more Holly.

dance-moms-its-my-welcome-home-party-and-ill--L-AWK_kzAfter Swaggy checked her Sidekick and Gia discreetly updated her resume…

agia…the soloists hit the floor.

JoJo took a page out of my #BucketList and boxed in glitter gloves and painted on abs.

jjbBrynn (…allegedly…) swiped JoJo’s headgear, jumpsuit and moves.

Depends who you ask.  But she did great, regardless.


MackZ pounded out what may, or may not, have been her last solo with the ALDC.

And Abby wore these things.  On purpose.


After another one of those seemingly endless Dance Moms Guides To Everything On The Planet (…this time it was FanGirlling and then another one where they talked really fast about BFFs vs. Just Plain Fs…) it was time for the group routine.

After Jessalynn blurted out that it looked like JoJo danced twice, I mean, because…you know…the whole #BowGate thing that had erupted earlier.


Ashlee got up and moved her seat closer to Abby, forgetting to save those tears for her pillow as she got all emotional when asked what was going on between the two of them.

And then it was finally the group number.

kkmkkCostumes were cool, right?

And the choreography was pretty elaborate.  Which explains why they won First Place!

As for the rest of the results, JoJo only took Fifth Place for her Rocky number, while Brynn beat her by one and came in Fourth Place.  Which meant that now it was Jessalynn’s turn to not be having it this week.

Are you freaking kidding me?  I don’t think so.

And MackZ took home First Place for her Tiny Hat Dance.  You, go!!

mljBackstage is where it all fell apart again.

Jessalynn and Ashlee went another 17 rounds about who invented the Big Bow and for some reason, somebody felt it deserved a flashback even though we had just witnessed the scene right before the last commercial.

Look familiar?


It got a little ugly with the word ‘Hypocritical’ thrown around a few times.

And then Jessalynn pushed it over the edge by saying something about how if she wanted to dress her kid up like Brynn she would just put her in some boring leotard and a tight bun and stick her right foot up in the air…


…and wave it ’round like you just don’t care.

Well, Holly added that part.  Like the song.

You know.  Where you put your hands up in the air and wave them around like…


I’m pretty sure she was just trying to lighten the mood and get everyone to finish off the day with a good old fashioned Dance Mama rap, but when she started dropping beats and spitting eight-bars, Ashlee wasn’t having it.

Which probably explains why she tore outta there screaming how much she hated Jessalynn while the rest of the Moms started swaying back and forth holding imaginary Bic lighters and getting krunk wid it.

Dance Moms getting krunk.  It was so buck you had to see it to believe it.

And I got nothing after that.

Drop it like it’s hot, yo.




Dance Moms: Attention, Please. We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Dance Show For A Big Announcement.

April 13th, 2016




Honestly, I wasn’t planning on telling anyone. I was just gonna stop showing up after Regionals.






No clue what’s happening right now, but somebody better get me chips before I lose it.






Think these new graphics could be any bigger? If they cover up my hair, I swear to God…

















Srsly. What is this…CNN? Get this damn thing off me. Do they even know how much this top cost?






Oooooooh, gurrrl! You can keep all your Hello Kitty toys. That boy Chris Hemsworth is FINE.







I know I didn’t fly Coach half way across the country just to be in one episode. Really?




Brace yourself, folks.

And maybe grab some Kleenex and your microwave movie popcorn.

Because Dance Moms ’bout to tug on your heart strings and pimp out Charliz Theron‘s new movie like nobody’s business.

And they’re gonna do it all at the same time.

So, yeah.  Brace yourself.

The Short Version:  After months of tabloid speculation, Melissa finally came clean about La Familia Ziegler’s future with the ALDC and she pretty much broke the internet.

Like this.


Which, purely by coincidence, happens to be a clip from the aforementioned new movie The Huntsman: Winter’s War, which opens in theaters around the country on Aprill 22.

Side note:  Feel free to Fandango the (bleep) outta that thing after you finish reading this hilarious recap, because there has to be at least one scene from the movie that wasn’t already slipped into this week’s episode, right?

Not this one, necessarily.
anigif_original-11552-1447880040-4That’s actually me on one of my Sunday Spa Nights after luxuriating with one of those anti-eye puffery things that you keep in the freezer overnight.


And not this one.


That’s when Christi and Kelly had that fight and dropped F-bombs all over the place.

But you get the idea.  Go see the movie.

Anyway.  Back to Dance Moms.

We started out in the ALDC LA parking lot this week where all the Moms and kids were gathering for the day’s festivities.  Kira was back again (…she’s on the Every Other Program…) which meant that Kalani was back.  Which meant that all the girls were excited to be together again.  Hugs everywhere.

And gossip, of course.  Always gossip.  Because Kira needed to be brought up to speed on all of Melissa’s vaguery (…is that even a word?..) regarding whether she and her girls would be returning to the Team next season.

Side note:  Nobody seemed to be overly concerned about the guy who ran past my MomCrush Jill and then disappeared down that back alley, so I didn’t panic.


Remember WinterCoat Guy who was so overdressed in the studio a few weeks ago?  I’m gonna assume Sweatshirt Guy was the same dude from last time in the Old Navy puffer and scarf even though it’s a consistently humid 85 degrees in LA this time of year.  He’s probably just one of those people who’s always cold.  My great-aunt was the same way no matter how high she cranked the heat in her house.  It was like a sweat shop up in there.

After all these weeks of USWeekly leaks and chatroom mockery, Melissa finally came clean and told the Moms that…yes…it was true.

Wait for it.

She and Maddie and Mackenzie would no longer be part of the Elite Team in 4 weeks.

Dat’s rite.  One month.  And then they’re moving on.

Wait.  What?

Everyone got emotional.  Melissa got emotional…

m…before accidentally letting a little ‘See You Later, Suckahs’ slip out.

m1But then she regained her composure and headed inside to tell Abby the news.

And maybe even Mackenzie, too.  Because that would be nice if her kid knew what was about to go down.  Because MackZ had no idea.

Did I forget to mention that part?  Because Melissa sure did.

Turns out that MackenzieBoo had no clue her days with the ALDC were numbered.

Duh.  Maddie knew, obvi.  But not MackaDoodle.

Don’t even start.  I’m not one to tell any of these Moms how to do their jobs.

Granted, I have no problem telling them what to wear or when their hair is a hot mess, but I always pass on anything that falls under the ‘Don’t Tell Me How To Raise My Kids’ umbrella.  They know best.  Not me.  And not you.

Luckily, Dr. Holly came through as the Voice of Reason (…again!…) and convinced Melissa that EVERYone needed to know what was happening.  Which in itself was a good thing, because it meant that maybe Holly and Sasha Nia would actually get to participate in this week’s episode.

What was THAT all about last week?  Hardly any FrazierFace Time?



Yeah.  What she said.

Needless to say, the conversation between Melissa and Abby was pretty emotional.  Their blood pressure numbers were probably almost as high as the inventory count on all those clear Tupperware bins piled up to the ceiling in that crazy back room.  You see that?

I swear there are more of them every week.

It looked like Target on the Day After Xmas when they line every aisle with those things and then never have enough carts to actually transport them to the register.  I’m not carrying 5 of giant storage containers all the way through the lingerie department just to find out that the self-checkouts are off-line, thank you.

Melissa walked in and did this for some reason.


Here she is on a different day, in a Sears store, doing the same thing again.  yobtwball

And then she Ugly Cried.

mcAnd then Abby took it to a whole other level and did whatever this was for a few minutes.

acYou know you’re upset when you cry so hard the curl comes out of your hair.

Bonus Points:  To Melissa for promising Abby that Maddie would NOT be dancing on that new So You Think You Can Dance Kids show.  Because she won’t be.  Because she’s going to be a judge instead.  So it’s not like she was lying or anything.

I see what you did there, Mrs. Z.


tumblr_ny6aw1Z4Cj1stq3wlo1_500-1And then they did the Pyramid of Shame, which was pretty irrelevant given the drama of the day.  Google it if you can’t sleep tonight without knowing the results.

Q.  Where’d this lady go?


This week, the gang was headed to Fierce National Dance Competition in Agoura Hills.  Everyone seemed pretty excited even though I had to Apple Map it.

The group routine, in case you haven’t read anything up to this point, was going to be based on The Huntsman: Winter’s War movie.  Pay attention, please.

You know how I get when it comes to skimmers and haters.


Maddie and Mackenzie would be portraying the dueling Queen sisters, with the rest of the pack divided up between #TeamFire and #TeamIce.

There were also going to be THREE duets entered into the competition.

Count ’em:  Nia and Mackenzie.  Maddie and Kalani.  And Maddie and Kendall.

Yup.  TWO Maddie duets.

Abby was definitely gonna milk that Ziegler Cow for all she could this month.

md2But that’s ok, because Maddie wanted to spend as much time with her BFFs as possible before she headed off into the Sia Sunset to pick up her SAG card.

Newsflash:  She’s still just a kid.

Right about here was when Ashlee blurted out sumthin sumthin about the Zieglers leaving the ALDC before Melissa even had time to tell Mackenzie to start packing up her dance bag.  OhNoSheDin’t.  OhYesSheDid.


Pause Your DVR:  Can we just take a moment to appreciate not only Holly’s on-point hair styling (…cuz you know dat’s rite…)

h2…but also the way she always scoots those kids out of the hizzle every time some shizz is about to go down in front of them?  I mean, c’mon.

Remember when she got everyone out of that makeup room in under 4 seconds when Abby and Kelly started rolling around on the floor?  To this day I still swear she used airplane inflatables and just shoved those kids out the second floor window.

BY06jWmOr maybe she just keeps hard candy in her Louis bag and throws it out the back door like kibbles and watches them all run outside.

I dunno.  But whatever it is…it’s an #ArtForm.

Which is why I love Holly so much.

Side note:  What the What?  Check out Jill.  #BigHairDon’tCare.

bhAfter about 20 minutes of Dance Moms Bumper Cars where everyone was running in circles and knocking each other down, they all ended up in that back room with all the empty wall hooks and finally told everybody everything.

Game Over for the Zieglers.

86402485dbfifEverybody cried.  Everybody hugged.

Well, almost everybody.

You notice that?  That was odd.


Side note:  Holly has an Apple Watch.  Because of course she does.

She’s always trying to one-up me, I swear.

And then Abby locked herself in the bathroom, because why not.  And she wouldn’t come out, no matter what the other Moms did.


The next day, Melissa took Holly and Jill to lunch to serve up some salads and flashbacks.

I don’t know how the food was, but the flashbacks were awesome.

We got to see some of my favorite oldies but goodies, like when Melissa lost her marbles in Season 1 and snatched up every trophy on the table and then dragged her Samsonite roller down the hall on 3 wheels swearing and cussing like I don’t know what.

trActually I do know like what.

Like when Beanie Babies were popular and a new batch would come out unannounced in the middle of the week and you’d leave your kid waiting on the sidewalk at school just so you could scoop every new bear off the shelf and hopefully score yourself the elusive unicorn with the brown horn.

This one.  But with the brown horn.

mystic_unicorn_coarse_yarn_mane_side_uWhich is worth up to $3,000 now.  I just can’t.

And then we saw one of Jill’s most iconic moments.  Cover your ears, kids.tumblr_lzh0liUkxc1r43mqxo1_250True Fact:  That’s also what happened the first time she read this blog.  Pinky swear.

And, of course, we got to see the first time that Holly really lost her nutty on Abby while Kira photobombed the scene dressed like she was going to the Oscars for some reason.

hkI love this show.  Sue me.

Side note:  There was clearly one empty seat available next to Jill that went unused, BTW.

Thanks for not inviting me, Melissa.  Even though I was the only one who stood up for you back when you couldn’t figure out how to download songs off Napster and kept hanging up on anyone who tried calling the Pittsburgh front desk.

But that’s ok.  Really.

Decision 2016:  As long as we’re voting, I vote for my MomCrush to keep her LunchHair.


Back at the studio (…the LA one now…) Abby showed the girls the movie trailer.

Even this part.

tumblr-nxzhgaVo0R1qjqcybo1-500I know, right?  With kids in the car.

Maddie swallowed her gum and was all like…mbAbby was all like…amAt some point, Abby even noted that the stars of the movie were going to see this group routine.  Which was amazing, because who knew that macho Chris Hemsworth even watched Dance Moms?  But I guess he does.

And now that’s like TWO things he and I have in common.

We both work out and we both watch Dance Moms!

This is me rinsing out my Under Armour after getting my swole on at the gym.

anigif_enhanced-buzz-12438-1426118025-7afOh, yeah.  Mama likes.

You know she’s got that one for a screen saver.  Look at her.

As the competition grew closer, Abby was having a hard time processing any of the Ziegler NewZ.  Which basically meant that she cried a lot as and relived much of the loss that she had suffered throughout her own life.

Abby misses her Mom and Dad.


Finally, it was Showtime!


Look at little Brynn contouring like a Boss.  I almost forgot about her this week.

bShe’s so cute.

Nia and Mackenzie’s duet was a sad dance about a young girl saying goodbye to her Mom who was dying from cancer.  Holly got all choked up.  But they won First Place!!

nmkMaddie and Kendall’s Insane Asylum duet made Jill cry in her interview confessional and got Twitter a little #Twisted.  There were certainly a lot of tears this week.  But smiles all around when they took Second Place in their age category.

kkAnd then Maddie did a quick change…

tumblr_msehmz73mE1qcpkfeo4_250…and ran right back out on stage with Kalani, where they did this no hands forward flip over whatchamacallit that was A.  Maz.  Ing.tumblr_o5iyp5Tyak1tb8iyko1_500After the duets were over (…and in case you STILL weren’t clear on the theme for this week…) we got treated to a quick Girl Talk promo-looking thing where Charlize Theron was all like “Gurrrl, whatchoo mean you don’t watch Dance Moms like me and Chris?…”

ctAnd Emily Blunt was all like “I don’t have to, Beeotch, because I read DanThat’sCool.”  

dmOr at least I think that’s how it went.

If we’re being totally honest, I had to mute the TV to answer my cell in case it was Melissa apologizing for that whole lunch date fiasco, but it looked like that’s what the two ladies were discussing.

Bonus:  We also got treated to not one…but TWO…of those chit chatty Dance Moms Guide To Blah Blah Blah where the girls all sit around and tell you not to wear too much foundation on the playground.

Not gonna lie.  Sometimes this show is so random that it makes my left eye involuntarily close like I’m having a stroke.  But it’s not a stroke.  And I love this show.

So much that I just said it for a second time.

So, again…sue me.

The ALDC finished off the event with their group routine, which coincidentally enough, ended up being based on the movie The Huntsman: Winter’s War.

What are the chances?

The choreography was great, but the second the dance started, Mackenzie’s costume exploded and there were scraps of Emily Blunt all over the stage.


Nobody was very happy about that mess up.  It was #HeadBandGate all over again.

But they made it through and headed to the awards where—

Wait.  What?  Nia Sioux…she…it was…she had…


Outta nowhere, she showed up with…

0a92b1ba54f6ae6d8c9a3b88ccefe9a046dcc0455a40b50958edffa182a4967fMy girl put on her bangs!  We love Nia.

And we love how Twitter reacts to stuff like that.

True Fact:  Someone even sent me a DM tweet in the middle of the freakin’ night and told me to make sure I put a picture of Nia’s bangs on my site.

Do it.  Didn’t ask me to.  Just told me to do it.

So there you go, people.  Bangs.  Take that, Kendall Jenner.

Side note:  Feel free to use this kid on your next #MotivationalMonday post.


Always do your best.  Because your best is always good enough.  #NoRegrets.

Did I forget to mention that the group dance came in Second Place?  I probably did.

So that made for two Number Two’s in two weeks.  Do the math.

Abby wasn’t happy.  But she had clearly already checked out for the week.  Possibly even for the remainder of the season.  Who knows.

Melissa had really messed with her head.


Abby has a court date coming up soon for all that scandalous TMZ goodness and now she’s losing the Top Three go-tos in her support system.

This isn’t gonna end well.

But it’s over for this week at least.

No more crying.

Well, after one more group hug, I mean.

hug1Now I need to go unwind.  This was a very stressful episode.

Imma need to be alone for a few.

So, please…


Dance Moms: When It’s Bottom Of The Ninth And You Need A Thriller, It’s Time For JoJo To Steal The Show Show.

April 6th, 2016




Raise your hand if you got something way better than a postcard in Vegas. Dolla Dolla Bill, yo!






I’m not telling you where I hid all the other Christies until you give me that damn track jacket. I’m not playing.






I’m totally serious. If they’re just gonna flip out and leave again, I’m calling their parking spot.





Imma need you ladies to wrap up all this crazy asap. I’m pitching a double header tonight.






Ummm…Hello? I dance. I like sparkly things. And nobody understands me. I’m freaking Hee Hee Shamone MJ.






So my voice finally changed. And yet I still have no words for what I’m walking into right now…






Me and my kid even in this episode? Cuz if that’s how we’re playing it this week, I’m just gonna make a hair appointment.




Cue the music.

Living on the Dance Floor.


Blood on the Dance Floor.



Dancing and Bloodshed.  Thats what I’m talking about.

And there was a lot of both this week, literally and almost physically a few times, as old and new faces collided (…insert unintentional, yet inappropriately hilarious and smoothly transitional Michael Jackson Plastic Surgery Joke right here: _______ ) during the latest episode of Dance Moms.

Starting with The Return Of Christy Hunt.

Dat’s rite.

Look who was sitting on the MomBleachers as soon as the credits finished rolling.

Sarah Hunt‘s loud and proud Mama.

Christy was back.


Not this Christi.  You wish.

Or this Kristie.  Look at those crazy mime in a box arms flailing around.

tumblr_n65tiy1EQ21tcwnk1o1_500But the third one that everyone used to call CHRIST-y from back in the Pittsburgh days when it was the Attack Of The Christies every week.

The one who looks like John Candy in a Celine Dion wig.

jc1 celine-dion

That one right there.  jc

She didn’t used to look like that, but somehow on the flight from PA to LA she got herself natural highlights and a tube of lipstick and now she looks like that.

Side note:  I think she’s a riot.  And you know I love every Mom on this show, so no hate tweets.  Especially from John Candy fans, please.  Because that was a joke.

And I nailed it.  And you know that’s right.

Christy #3 was sitting on the MomBleachers all by herself when Ashlee rolled into the studio, so they had no choice but to awkwardly introduce themselves to each other and immediately pit their two kids against one another in a battle for that elusive ALDC jacket.

Side note again:  I love how everyone in Pittsburgh can just pick up everything they own in a rolling duffel bag and move to Los Angeles on a whim.  Don’t any of these people have pets  Whose feeding them?  I mean, how much dry cat food can you really leave in a bowl if you’re planning on sticking it out through the end of the 2016 dance season?

New Drinking Game Alert:  Ashlee’s hair.  It’s different in every shot.

Check it out next time.  She’s clearly one of those nervous hair finger runner-through-ers, because every time the camera cuts back to her she has a different part going on up there.  Nothing drastic, but sometimes it’s over there, or over there, or there’s a messy thing happening on top a little bit.

Relax, honey.  You got the gig.

a a1 a2

Next in the door was Melissa, who was all of the sudden Christy’s new BFF and gave her hugs and kisses like she just got out of prison and thanked her for all the millions of text messages from Pittsburgh while she was locked away.

Hold up.  Didn’t Melissa try to push Christy down a flight of stairs the last time they were together?  Or am I making that up?

Turns out that Christy had changed her…ways…and now Melissa loved her.

In capital letters:  LOVED her now.

This is Christy’s old hair.

cAnd these are her old ways.

tumblr_n9l3iuNDaL1ql5yr7o1_500Not gonna lie.  Kinda miss both.

And why was Holly dressed like 1960s Cher that day?  Not that I’m complaining.

article-2621958-1DA0A8D800000578-14_634x791After everyone else stumbled in for the Pyramid of Shame, it was explained that Kira and Kalani were not in LA this week due to a family funeral.  Condolences and a hug.

And then one more hug for that cute baby.

Bottom of the Pyramid was all about Kalani, Mackenzie‘s bad feet and JoJo, followed by Kendall, Maddie and Nia on the mezzanine level.

Which left little Brynn on top, with the highest score at last week’s competition and a track jacket that she could finally have embroidered with her own name.  You go, girl.  Muah.

brThis week the gang was headed to New York Dance Experience in Long Beach.

And Abby got some last week.

Because that’s how smoothly that transition went.

I was like…

dance-moms-now-you-see-hernow-you-dont-the-mi-L-s_7waWAnd Abby was like…yobtwballAnd then my MomCrush Jill explained that Abby had hooked up with some Mystery Man she nicknamed Magic Mike and now the Apocalypse is upon us for real.

Bonus:  Actual unedited, never before seen footage from Abby’s Vegas trip:

tumblr_m68cggbemZ1r3ifxzo1_500Isn’t that the Candy Apples lady in the red?


Think about that for a minute.

Cauepb8UYAAiu5XWhen she wan’t making it rain up in there, Abby somehow managed to find time to take in the Michael Jackson ONE Cirque du Soleil show and was now determined to create some MJ-inspired dances for this week’s competition.

Like the group routine.  Which had a baseball theme.  Because MJ loved baseball.

Excuse me?

Holly looked that way…


And then that way…

And then that way and was all like Wait.  What?h2Everyone was Googling it, but nobody could find any Wikipedia references to how MJ’s signature sequined glove was actually a catcher’s mitt or any MLB regulations on backing up into home plate with a Moon Walk vs. sliding in face first.

I did find this dude from the Lehigh Valley IronPigs wearing a Thriller uniform for some reason.  His pants are tight, but his glove is so not sparkly.

19-lehigh-valley-ironpigs-michael-jackson-tribute-jerseys-crazy-minor-league-jerseys And I found a baseball with Michael Jackson’s face on it that only costs $19.99.

Michael-Jackson-BaseballBut mostly I just found pictures of Michael and the baby from Escape From The Planet Of The Apes looking all matchy matchy.

92110,xcitefun-michael-jackson-bubble-the-chimpAnd this, of course.


Brynn and Sarah scored a duet, as well as Maddie and Kendall.  Except that Maddie was going to be MIA for the next 24 hours due to some Disney shindig that required her presence and now Kendall was already stressing out about it.

kkShe and Maddie are BFFs and with all the TMZ/US Weekly rumors over at CVS about the Zieglers evacuating the dance floor after this season, it made sense that KK wanted to get as much MaddieTime in as possible.

Bonus:  Here’s a shot of Ashlee and Christy when they were on The Price Is Right bidding on that Final Showcase at the end of the show.  Am I right?

pirAfter the girls rehearsed the group routine for a few, Melissa and Maddie had some time on the DL back in what I assume was the ALDC LA store or something.

stWith all the crap piled up in the storeroom next to Abby’s twin bed, I can’t believe there’s only one tank top and a pair of booty shorts hanging on that whole rack.  When I worked at the GAP I would have fired someone for that kind of merchandising.

That scene was basically foreshadowing things to come.  Stay tuned.

The next day, after Kendall got done taking all her selfies in the back parking lot (…you see that?…) everyone went inside so they could all get under Melissa’s skin over the TMZ/Us Weekly/CVS thing again.

Melissa has been making this face a lot lately.


When she’s not booty popping, I mean.



Imagine driving by that window with all them ladies talking dirty.

dirtyOooh, Magic Mike.  You nasty.

Side note:  Where did all those people come from all of the sudden?  Look at ’em all.

The place has been empty for 2 seasons and all of the sudden it looks the Today Show window.  And what’s even happening right now with that one Mom right there trying to get her 15 minutes in front of the camera?


I know those are probably sunglasses on her head, but if you squint she kinda looks like Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman, right?

And there she is again.


Maybe she should be less worried about texting her girlfriends that she’s on the television and more worried about her kid hanging off that jungle gym back there.

That kid.  Right there.

Get down from there right now.  Go in that Homework Room.  I’m not tell you

Look at Abby having one of those mini strokes.

Side note Two:  I’m gonna assume we missed out on some Nia solo or something that never aired, because otherwise I have no explanation as to why Sasha was wearing fancy BigGirl heels and talking to herself and spinning a mirror around and around in the corner while Brynn and Sarah rehearsed.

mirrorPlease let it be a solo.  Because otherwise that’s something that a crazy person does alone at home on a Friday night with lipstick smeared all over their face.

You said you’d text me back.  I know you have your phone on.

Side note Three:  That was pretty much the extent of Holly and Nia’s participation this week.  And I am not happy at all.

Granted, Holly had a few more Pearls of Wisdom that she unleashed during the episode, which is a given.  But there were not nearly enough #HollyFaces or Moments of Clarity and/or Slaying to fill the hour and thats an issue that needs to be addressed asap by the producers.


niaProgramming note:  For this evening’s rehearsal performance, the role of Maddie Ziegler will be played by JoJo Siwa.  And that’s pretty when it all started to go downhill.

JoJo and KK weren’t syncing up right.  Kendall wanted Maddie, even though she loves her some JoJo.  And she didnt’ want to do it as a solo.

So naturally, everyone started yelling and KK started crying and ran out of the studio and then back into the studio and snipped at Abby a little and then got dragged back out again by Jill who wasn’t going to let her do this in front of Abby or the cameras or me, because she knows it gives me anxiety.


But you know how Reality Television goes.  They could have left out the part where Kendall got hit in the back of the head with a shovel by Wile E. Coyote and that’s why she was crying.  You just never know.

But regardless, everyone was running in circles like they do on Scooby Doo when they run in and out of all those different doors all at once.  It was crazy pants.


I love KK.

Yeah, I know.  She’s a crier.  But even Holly noted that…umm, duh…they’re children.  And this is an extremely stressful time for the children thanks to TMZ/US Weekly…etc.

So cut her some slack, yo.  Or take it to a chat room.

Contractually Obligated “I’m Done!” Scene:  Jill and Kendall ended up leaving.


Q.  Why is all that stuff always laying all over the floor and the benches when they have like a million empty hooks on the wall?  Seriously.

The next day, Kendall was back, but her duet with Maddie had somehow turned into a solo for JoJo.  And you know how well that was going over with everyone.  Especially Christy who kept needling Jessalynn about throwing friends under the bus just to get your kid ahead.

Check out everything that’s going on with Christy right there.

c3When you got Dance Moms at 2 but you’re chaperoning Prom at 7.

What the–?  This show, I swear.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And…is that…?

fangirlingAAAAUUGGGHHH!  OhMyGawd!!!!!

Nobody told me Rachelle Rak was judging this thing!

I almost spit out the apple I was biting.  The ‘Sas’ was back!  We love Rachelle!

You remember her from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition and all the other stuff I keep reminding you about every time she shows up.

She’s my Broadway Girlfriend.  She just doesn’t know it.  Clearly.

Otherwise I’d have some box seat tickets in my hand right now.

Here she is getting ready for the competition.  I think they filmed it on Casual Friday at Toys ‘r Us.  Got enough Fisher Price on the floor there?

Rachelle_Rak_as_Wonder_Woman_-_2015-06-21And here she is on her way to the competition.

giphy-1I don’t know who Steve is, or why they were headed to Texas instead of Long Beach where the NYDE was being held.  But if she’s cheating on me, I’m glad Steve fell out of the plane because I don’t see him anywhere.

And finally, here she is realizing that the show had terrible lighting.

rsr2That’s right, baby.  Find that bright spot.  Mama didn’t raise no fool.


rsrJoJo’s solo was a delightful mix of Michael’s Bad Video meets Janet‘s Rhythm Nation meets Toddlers & Tiaras Outfit of Choice.

jjsw2Unfortunately, she didn’t even place during the Awards, which was not cool.

Brynn and Sarah did well, though Sarah may or may not have wobbled, depending on who you talked to and what judge’s score sheet you reviewed.

sh1Throughout the entire competition, Abby was remarkably calm and…dare we say…almost pleasant?  It was creepy.

Clearly, Rolaids and Role Playing can do that to a person.

You heard me.  They said Abby role plays with Magic Mike.

But nothing impromptu.  She has a script.

For role playing.

With a man.


Luckily, the Michael Jackson Little League World Series was about to begin.

42 md

Bonus:  Here’s a picture of MJ disguised as a baseball player when he wanted to go to Costco or wherever.  I forget.  But at least it finally proves he really did have a love for baseball, right?  Or at least International Day when they give out all the samples.tumblr_mcz4ly9qBX1rjsnqfo1_400Rachelle loved the number, even though she was quick to point out that there was not supposed to be an aerial in baseball.  I’m not sure which side of the coin she was judging on that one, but I guess it’s not out of the question that she could umpire in the Bronx on Mondays when most of the shows are dark.

When it was all over, Brynn and Sarah took home First Place.  But the group dance struck out.  Nada.  Nothing.  They didn’t even place.

But Abby was still pretty chillaxed about the whole thing.

Her biggest concern was that Sarah wasn’t a Quicker Picker Upper when it came to spills and choreography.  But that would have to wait for another day back at the ALDC Dugout.

Yeerrrrrrrrr Out!


Game Over.

Buh Bye.


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