Dance Moms: Attention, Please. We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Dance Show For A Big Announcement.

April 13th, 2016

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Honestly, I wasn’t planning on telling anyone. I was just gonna stop showing up after Regionals.

 

 

mk

 

 

No clue what’s happening right now, but somebody better get me chips before I lose it.

 

 

grph1

 

 

Think these new graphics could be any bigger? If they cover up my hair, I swear to God…

 

 

raw

 

 

 

 

 

Same.

 

 

jv

 

 

 

 

Srsly. What is this…CNN? Get this damn thing off me. Do they even know how much this top cost?

 

mkoh

 

 

 

Oooooooh, gurrrl! You can keep all your Hello Kitty toys. That boy Chris Hemsworth is FINE.

 

 

hunt

 

 

 

I know I didn’t fly Coach half way across the country just to be in one episode. Really?

 

 

 

Brace yourself, folks.

And maybe grab some Kleenex and your microwave movie popcorn.

Because Dance Moms ’bout to tug on your heart strings and pimp out Charliz Theron‘s new movie like nobody’s business.

And they’re gonna do it all at the same time.

So, yeah.  Brace yourself.

The Short Version:  After months of tabloid speculation, Melissa finally came clean about La Familia Ziegler’s future with the ALDC and she pretty much broke the internet.

Like this.

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Which, purely by coincidence, happens to be a clip from the aforementioned new movie The Huntsman: Winter’s War, which opens in theaters around the country on Aprill 22.

Side note:  Feel free to Fandango the (bleep) outta that thing after you finish reading this hilarious recap, because there has to be at least one scene from the movie that wasn’t already slipped into this week’s episode, right?

Not this one, necessarily.
anigif_original-11552-1447880040-4That’s actually me on one of my Sunday Spa Nights after luxuriating with one of those anti-eye puffery things that you keep in the freezer overnight.

#BagsBeGone.

And not this one.

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That’s when Christi and Kelly had that fight and dropped F-bombs all over the place.

But you get the idea.  Go see the movie.

Anyway.  Back to Dance Moms.

We started out in the ALDC LA parking lot this week where all the Moms and kids were gathering for the day’s festivities.  Kira was back again (…she’s on the Every Other Program…) which meant that Kalani was back.  Which meant that all the girls were excited to be together again.  Hugs everywhere.

And gossip, of course.  Always gossip.  Because Kira needed to be brought up to speed on all of Melissa’s vaguery (…is that even a word?..) regarding whether she and her girls would be returning to the Team next season.

Side note:  Nobody seemed to be overly concerned about the guy who ran past my MomCrush Jill and then disappeared down that back alley, so I didn’t panic.

hood

Remember WinterCoat Guy who was so overdressed in the studio a few weeks ago?  I’m gonna assume Sweatshirt Guy was the same dude from last time in the Old Navy puffer and scarf even though it’s a consistently humid 85 degrees in LA this time of year.  He’s probably just one of those people who’s always cold.  My great-aunt was the same way no matter how high she cranked the heat in her house.  It was like a sweat shop up in there.

After all these weeks of USWeekly leaks and chatroom mockery, Melissa finally came clean and told the Moms that…yes…it was true.

Wait for it.

She and Maddie and Mackenzie would no longer be part of the Elite Team in 4 weeks.

Dat’s rite.  One month.  And then they’re moving on.

Wait.  What?

Everyone got emotional.  Melissa got emotional…

m…before accidentally letting a little ‘See You Later, Suckahs’ slip out.

m1But then she regained her composure and headed inside to tell Abby the news.

And maybe even Mackenzie, too.  Because that would be nice if her kid knew what was about to go down.  Because MackZ had no idea.

Did I forget to mention that part?  Because Melissa sure did.

Turns out that MackenzieBoo had no clue her days with the ALDC were numbered.

Duh.  Maddie knew, obvi.  But not MackaDoodle.

Don’t even start.  I’m not one to tell any of these Moms how to do their jobs.

Granted, I have no problem telling them what to wear or when their hair is a hot mess, but I always pass on anything that falls under the ‘Don’t Tell Me How To Raise My Kids’ umbrella.  They know best.  Not me.  And not you.

Luckily, Dr. Holly came through as the Voice of Reason (…again!…) and convinced Melissa that EVERYone needed to know what was happening.  Which in itself was a good thing, because it meant that maybe Holly and Sasha Nia would actually get to participate in this week’s episode.

What was THAT all about last week?  Hardly any FrazierFace Time?

#NotLikingIt.

n

Yeah.  What she said.

Needless to say, the conversation between Melissa and Abby was pretty emotional.  Their blood pressure numbers were probably almost as high as the inventory count on all those clear Tupperware bins piled up to the ceiling in that crazy back room.  You see that?

I swear there are more of them every week.

It looked like Target on the Day After Xmas when they line every aisle with those things and then never have enough carts to actually transport them to the register.  I’m not carrying 5 of giant storage containers all the way through the lingerie department just to find out that the self-checkouts are off-line, thank you.

Melissa walked in and did this for some reason.

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Here she is on a different day, in a Sears store, doing the same thing again.  yobtwball

And then she Ugly Cried.

mcAnd then Abby took it to a whole other level and did whatever this was for a few minutes.

acYou know you’re upset when you cry so hard the curl comes out of your hair.

Bonus Points:  To Melissa for promising Abby that Maddie would NOT be dancing on that new So You Think You Can Dance Kids show.  Because she won’t be.  Because she’s going to be a judge instead.  So it’s not like she was lying or anything.

I see what you did there, Mrs. Z.

Smooth.

tumblr_ny6aw1Z4Cj1stq3wlo1_500-1And then they did the Pyramid of Shame, which was pretty irrelevant given the drama of the day.  Google it if you can’t sleep tonight without knowing the results.

Q.  Where’d this lady go?

ch

This week, the gang was headed to Fierce National Dance Competition in Agoura Hills.  Everyone seemed pretty excited even though I had to Apple Map it.

The group routine, in case you haven’t read anything up to this point, was going to be based on The Huntsman: Winter’s War movie.  Pay attention, please.

You know how I get when it comes to skimmers and haters.

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Maddie and Mackenzie would be portraying the dueling Queen sisters, with the rest of the pack divided up between #TeamFire and #TeamIce.

There were also going to be THREE duets entered into the competition.

Count ’em:  Nia and Mackenzie.  Maddie and Kalani.  And Maddie and Kendall.

Yup.  TWO Maddie duets.

Abby was definitely gonna milk that Ziegler Cow for all she could this month.

md2But that’s ok, because Maddie wanted to spend as much time with her BFFs as possible before she headed off into the Sia Sunset to pick up her SAG card.

Newsflash:  She’s still just a kid.

Right about here was when Ashlee blurted out sumthin sumthin about the Zieglers leaving the ALDC before Melissa even had time to tell Mackenzie to start packing up her dance bag.  OhNoSheDin’t.  OhYesSheDid.

Drama.

Pause Your DVR:  Can we just take a moment to appreciate not only Holly’s on-point hair styling (…cuz you know dat’s rite…)

h2…but also the way she always scoots those kids out of the hizzle every time some shizz is about to go down in front of them?  I mean, c’mon.

Remember when she got everyone out of that makeup room in under 4 seconds when Abby and Kelly started rolling around on the floor?  To this day I still swear she used airplane inflatables and just shoved those kids out the second floor window.

BY06jWmOr maybe she just keeps hard candy in her Louis bag and throws it out the back door like kibbles and watches them all run outside.

I dunno.  But whatever it is…it’s an #ArtForm.

Which is why I love Holly so much.

Side note:  What the What?  Check out Jill.  #BigHairDon’tCare.

bhAfter about 20 minutes of Dance Moms Bumper Cars where everyone was running in circles and knocking each other down, they all ended up in that back room with all the empty wall hooks and finally told everybody everything.

Game Over for the Zieglers.

86402485dbfifEverybody cried.  Everybody hugged.

Well, almost everybody.

You notice that?  That was odd.

hugnmjkg

Side note:  Holly has an Apple Watch.  Because of course she does.

She’s always trying to one-up me, I swear.

And then Abby locked herself in the bathroom, because why not.  And she wouldn’t come out, no matter what the other Moms did.

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The next day, Melissa took Holly and Jill to lunch to serve up some salads and flashbacks.

I don’t know how the food was, but the flashbacks were awesome.

We got to see some of my favorite oldies but goodies, like when Melissa lost her marbles in Season 1 and snatched up every trophy on the table and then dragged her Samsonite roller down the hall on 3 wheels swearing and cussing like I don’t know what.

trActually I do know like what.

Like when Beanie Babies were popular and a new batch would come out unannounced in the middle of the week and you’d leave your kid waiting on the sidewalk at school just so you could scoop every new bear off the shelf and hopefully score yourself the elusive unicorn with the brown horn.

This one.  But with the brown horn.

mystic_unicorn_coarse_yarn_mane_side_uWhich is worth up to $3,000 now.  I just can’t.

And then we saw one of Jill’s most iconic moments.  Cover your ears, kids.tumblr_lzh0liUkxc1r43mqxo1_250True Fact:  That’s also what happened the first time she read this blog.  Pinky swear.

And, of course, we got to see the first time that Holly really lost her nutty on Abby while Kira photobombed the scene dressed like she was going to the Oscars for some reason.

hkI love this show.  Sue me.

Side note:  There was clearly one empty seat available next to Jill that went unused, BTW.

Thanks for not inviting me, Melissa.  Even though I was the only one who stood up for you back when you couldn’t figure out how to download songs off Napster and kept hanging up on anyone who tried calling the Pittsburgh front desk.

But that’s ok.  Really.

Decision 2016:  As long as we’re voting, I vote for my MomCrush to keep her LunchHair.

jv1

Back at the studio (…the LA one now…) Abby showed the girls the movie trailer.

Even this part.

tumblr-nxzhgaVo0R1qjqcybo1-500I know, right?  With kids in the car.

Maddie swallowed her gum and was all like…mbAbby was all like…amAt some point, Abby even noted that the stars of the movie were going to see this group routine.  Which was amazing, because who knew that macho Chris Hemsworth even watched Dance Moms?  But I guess he does.

And now that’s like TWO things he and I have in common.

We both work out and we both watch Dance Moms!

This is me rinsing out my Under Armour after getting my swole on at the gym.

anigif_enhanced-buzz-12438-1426118025-7afOh, yeah.  Mama likes.

You know she’s got that one for a screen saver.  Look at her.

As the competition grew closer, Abby was having a hard time processing any of the Ziegler NewZ.  Which basically meant that she cried a lot as and relived much of the loss that she had suffered throughout her own life.

Abby misses her Mom and Dad.

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Finally, it was Showtime!

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Look at little Brynn contouring like a Boss.  I almost forgot about her this week.

bShe’s so cute.

Nia and Mackenzie’s duet was a sad dance about a young girl saying goodbye to her Mom who was dying from cancer.  Holly got all choked up.  But they won First Place!!

nmkMaddie and Kendall’s Insane Asylum duet made Jill cry in her interview confessional and got Twitter a little #Twisted.  There were certainly a lot of tears this week.  But smiles all around when they took Second Place in their age category.

kkAnd then Maddie did a quick change…

tumblr_msehmz73mE1qcpkfeo4_250…and ran right back out on stage with Kalani, where they did this no hands forward flip over whatchamacallit that was A.  Maz.  Ing.tumblr_o5iyp5Tyak1tb8iyko1_500After the duets were over (…and in case you STILL weren’t clear on the theme for this week…) we got treated to a quick Girl Talk promo-looking thing where Charlize Theron was all like “Gurrrl, whatchoo mean you don’t watch Dance Moms like me and Chris?…”

ctAnd Emily Blunt was all like “I don’t have to, Beeotch, because I read DanThat’sCool.”  

dmOr at least I think that’s how it went.

If we’re being totally honest, I had to mute the TV to answer my cell in case it was Melissa apologizing for that whole lunch date fiasco, but it looked like that’s what the two ladies were discussing.

Bonus:  We also got treated to not one…but TWO…of those chit chatty Dance Moms Guide To Blah Blah Blah where the girls all sit around and tell you not to wear too much foundation on the playground.

Not gonna lie.  Sometimes this show is so random that it makes my left eye involuntarily close like I’m having a stroke.  But it’s not a stroke.  And I love this show.

So much that I just said it for a second time.

So, again…sue me.

The ALDC finished off the event with their group routine, which coincidentally enough, ended up being based on the movie The Huntsman: Winter’s War.

What are the chances?

The choreography was great, but the second the dance started, Mackenzie’s costume exploded and there were scraps of Emily Blunt all over the stage.

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Nobody was very happy about that mess up.  It was #HeadBandGate all over again.

But they made it through and headed to the awards where—

Wait.  What?  Nia Sioux…she…it was…she had…

bangs

Outta nowhere, she showed up with…

0a92b1ba54f6ae6d8c9a3b88ccefe9a046dcc0455a40b50958edffa182a4967fMy girl put on her bangs!  We love Nia.

And we love how Twitter reacts to stuff like that.

True Fact:  Someone even sent me a DM tweet in the middle of the freakin’ night and told me to make sure I put a picture of Nia’s bangs on my site.

Do it.  Didn’t ask me to.  Just told me to do it.

So there you go, people.  Bangs.  Take that, Kendall Jenner.

Side note:  Feel free to use this kid on your next #MotivationalMonday post.

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Always do your best.  Because your best is always good enough.  #NoRegrets.

Did I forget to mention that the group dance came in Second Place?  I probably did.

So that made for two Number Two’s in two weeks.  Do the math.

Abby wasn’t happy.  But she had clearly already checked out for the week.  Possibly even for the remainder of the season.  Who knows.

Melissa had really messed with her head.

oh

Abby has a court date coming up soon for all that scandalous TMZ goodness and now she’s losing the Top Three go-tos in her support system.

This isn’t gonna end well.

But it’s over for this week at least.

No more crying.

Well, after one more group hug, I mean.

hug1Now I need to go unwind.  This was a very stressful episode.

Imma need to be alone for a few.

So, please…

the-huntsman

Dance Moms: When It’s Bottom Of The Ninth And You Need A Thriller, It’s Time For JoJo To Steal The Show Show.

April 6th, 2016

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Raise your hand if you got something way better than a postcard in Vegas. Dolla Dolla Bill, yo!

 

 

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I’m not telling you where I hid all the other Christies until you give me that damn track jacket. I’m not playing.

 

 

js2

 

 

I’m totally serious. If they’re just gonna flip out and leave again, I’m calling their parking spot.

 

 

 

 

Imma need you ladies to wrap up all this crazy asap. I’m pitching a double header tonight.

 

jj

 

 

 

Ummm…Hello? I dance. I like sparkly things. And nobody understands me. I’m freaking Hee Hee Shamone MJ.

 

sh

 

 

 

So my voice finally changed. And yet I still have no words for what I’m walking into right now…

 

 

hh

 

 

Me and my kid even in this episode? Cuz if that’s how we’re playing it this week, I’m just gonna make a hair appointment.

 

 

 

Cue the music.

Living on the Dance Floor.

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Blood on the Dance Floor.

botdfwow

Yup.

Dancing and Bloodshed.  Thats what I’m talking about.

And there was a lot of both this week, literally and almost physically a few times, as old and new faces collided (…insert unintentional, yet inappropriately hilarious and smoothly transitional Michael Jackson Plastic Surgery Joke right here: _______ ) during the latest episode of Dance Moms.

Starting with The Return Of Christy Hunt.

Dat’s rite.

Look who was sitting on the MomBleachers as soon as the credits finished rolling.

Sarah Hunt‘s loud and proud Mama.

Christy was back.

No.

Not this Christi.  You wish.
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Or this Kristie.  Look at those crazy mime in a box arms flailing around.

tumblr_n65tiy1EQ21tcwnk1o1_500But the third one that everyone used to call CHRIST-y from back in the Pittsburgh days when it was the Attack Of The Christies every week.

The one who looks like John Candy in a Celine Dion wig.

jc1 celine-dion

That one right there.  jc

She didn’t used to look like that, but somehow on the flight from PA to LA she got herself natural highlights and a tube of lipstick and now she looks like that.

Side note:  I think she’s a riot.  And you know I love every Mom on this show, so no hate tweets.  Especially from John Candy fans, please.  Because that was a joke.

And I nailed it.  And you know that’s right.

Christy #3 was sitting on the MomBleachers all by herself when Ashlee rolled into the studio, so they had no choice but to awkwardly introduce themselves to each other and immediately pit their two kids against one another in a battle for that elusive ALDC jacket.

Side note again:  I love how everyone in Pittsburgh can just pick up everything they own in a rolling duffel bag and move to Los Angeles on a whim.  Don’t any of these people have pets  Whose feeding them?  I mean, how much dry cat food can you really leave in a bowl if you’re planning on sticking it out through the end of the 2016 dance season?

New Drinking Game Alert:  Ashlee’s hair.  It’s different in every shot.

Check it out next time.  She’s clearly one of those nervous hair finger runner-through-ers, because every time the camera cuts back to her she has a different part going on up there.  Nothing drastic, but sometimes it’s over there, or over there, or there’s a messy thing happening on top a little bit.

Relax, honey.  You got the gig.

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Next in the door was Melissa, who was all of the sudden Christy’s new BFF and gave her hugs and kisses like she just got out of prison and thanked her for all the millions of text messages from Pittsburgh while she was locked away.

Hold up.  Didn’t Melissa try to push Christy down a flight of stairs the last time they were together?  Or am I making that up?

Turns out that Christy had changed her…ways…and now Melissa loved her.

In capital letters:  LOVED her now.

This is Christy’s old hair.

cAnd these are her old ways.

tumblr_n9l3iuNDaL1ql5yr7o1_500Not gonna lie.  Kinda miss both.

And why was Holly dressed like 1960s Cher that day?  Not that I’m complaining.

article-2621958-1DA0A8D800000578-14_634x791After everyone else stumbled in for the Pyramid of Shame, it was explained that Kira and Kalani were not in LA this week due to a family funeral.  Condolences and a hug.

And then one more hug for that cute baby.

Bottom of the Pyramid was all about Kalani, Mackenzie‘s bad feet and JoJo, followed by Kendall, Maddie and Nia on the mezzanine level.

Which left little Brynn on top, with the highest score at last week’s competition and a track jacket that she could finally have embroidered with her own name.  You go, girl.  Muah.

brThis week the gang was headed to New York Dance Experience in Long Beach.

And Abby got some last week.

Because that’s how smoothly that transition went.

I was like…

dance-moms-now-you-see-hernow-you-dont-the-mi-L-s_7waWAnd Abby was like…yobtwballAnd then my MomCrush Jill explained that Abby had hooked up with some Mystery Man she nicknamed Magic Mike and now the Apocalypse is upon us for real.

Bonus:  Actual unedited, never before seen footage from Abby’s Vegas trip:

tumblr_m68cggbemZ1r3ifxzo1_500Isn’t that the Candy Apples lady in the red?

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Think about that for a minute.

Cauepb8UYAAiu5XWhen she wan’t making it rain up in there, Abby somehow managed to find time to take in the Michael Jackson ONE Cirque du Soleil show and was now determined to create some MJ-inspired dances for this week’s competition.

Like the group routine.  Which had a baseball theme.  Because MJ loved baseball.

Excuse me?

Holly looked that way…

h

And then that way…
h1

And then that way and was all like Wait.  What?h2Everyone was Googling it, but nobody could find any Wikipedia references to how MJ’s signature sequined glove was actually a catcher’s mitt or any MLB regulations on backing up into home plate with a Moon Walk vs. sliding in face first.

I did find this dude from the Lehigh Valley IronPigs wearing a Thriller uniform for some reason.  His pants are tight, but his glove is so not sparkly.

19-lehigh-valley-ironpigs-michael-jackson-tribute-jerseys-crazy-minor-league-jerseys And I found a baseball with Michael Jackson’s face on it that only costs $19.99.

Michael-Jackson-BaseballBut mostly I just found pictures of Michael and the baby from Escape From The Planet Of The Apes looking all matchy matchy.

92110,xcitefun-michael-jackson-bubble-the-chimpAnd this, of course.

GTY_trump_jackson_1990_jef_160219_12x5_1600America.

Brynn and Sarah scored a duet, as well as Maddie and Kendall.  Except that Maddie was going to be MIA for the next 24 hours due to some Disney shindig that required her presence and now Kendall was already stressing out about it.

kkShe and Maddie are BFFs and with all the TMZ/US Weekly rumors over at CVS about the Zieglers evacuating the dance floor after this season, it made sense that KK wanted to get as much MaddieTime in as possible.

Bonus:  Here’s a shot of Ashlee and Christy when they were on The Price Is Right bidding on that Final Showcase at the end of the show.  Am I right?

pirAfter the girls rehearsed the group routine for a few, Melissa and Maddie had some time on the DL back in what I assume was the ALDC LA store or something.

stWith all the crap piled up in the storeroom next to Abby’s twin bed, I can’t believe there’s only one tank top and a pair of booty shorts hanging on that whole rack.  When I worked at the GAP I would have fired someone for that kind of merchandising.

That scene was basically foreshadowing things to come.  Stay tuned.

The next day, after Kendall got done taking all her selfies in the back parking lot (…you see that?…) everyone went inside so they could all get under Melissa’s skin over the TMZ/Us Weekly/CVS thing again.

Melissa has been making this face a lot lately.

mz

When she’s not booty popping, I mean.

bcbb

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Imagine driving by that window with all them ladies talking dirty.

dirtyOooh, Magic Mike.  You nasty.

Side note:  Where did all those people come from all of the sudden?  Look at ’em all.

The place has been empty for 2 seasons and all of the sudden it looks the Today Show window.  And what’s even happening right now with that one Mom right there trying to get her 15 minutes in front of the camera?

alm

I know those are probably sunglasses on her head, but if you squint she kinda looks like Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman, right?

And there she is again.

alm2

Maybe she should be less worried about texting her girlfriends that she’s on the television and more worried about her kid hanging off that jungle gym back there.

That kid.  Right there.

Get down from there right now.  Go in that Homework Room.  I’m not tell you again.kids

Look at Abby having one of those mini strokes.

Side note Two:  I’m gonna assume we missed out on some Nia solo or something that never aired, because otherwise I have no explanation as to why Sasha was wearing fancy BigGirl heels and talking to herself and spinning a mirror around and around in the corner while Brynn and Sarah rehearsed.

mirrorPlease let it be a solo.  Because otherwise that’s something that a crazy person does alone at home on a Friday night with lipstick smeared all over their face.

You said you’d text me back.  I know you have your phone on.

Side note Three:  That was pretty much the extent of Holly and Nia’s participation this week.  And I am not happy at all.

Granted, Holly had a few more Pearls of Wisdom that she unleashed during the episode, which is a given.  But there were not nearly enough #HollyFaces or Moments of Clarity and/or Slaying to fill the hour and thats an issue that needs to be addressed asap by the producers.

#YAAAAAAS.

niaProgramming note:  For this evening’s rehearsal performance, the role of Maddie Ziegler will be played by JoJo Siwa.  And that’s pretty when it all started to go downhill.

JoJo and KK weren’t syncing up right.  Kendall wanted Maddie, even though she loves her some JoJo.  And she didnt’ want to do it as a solo.

So naturally, everyone started yelling and KK started crying and ran out of the studio and then back into the studio and snipped at Abby a little and then got dragged back out again by Jill who wasn’t going to let her do this in front of Abby or the cameras or me, because she knows it gives me anxiety.

kk3

But you know how Reality Television goes.  They could have left out the part where Kendall got hit in the back of the head with a shovel by Wile E. Coyote and that’s why she was crying.  You just never know.

But regardless, everyone was running in circles like they do on Scooby Doo when they run in and out of all those different doors all at once.  It was crazy pants.

Scooby-Doo-Doors-scooby-doo-32575918-940-707

I love KK.

Yeah, I know.  She’s a crier.  But even Holly noted that…umm, duh…they’re children.  And this is an extremely stressful time for the children thanks to TMZ/US Weekly…etc.

So cut her some slack, yo.  Or take it to a chat room.

Contractually Obligated “I’m Done!” Scene:  Jill and Kendall ended up leaving.

hooks

Q.  Why is all that stuff always laying all over the floor and the benches when they have like a million empty hooks on the wall?  Seriously.

The next day, Kendall was back, but her duet with Maddie had somehow turned into a solo for JoJo.  And you know how well that was going over with everyone.  Especially Christy who kept needling Jessalynn about throwing friends under the bus just to get your kid ahead.

Check out everything that’s going on with Christy right there.

c3When you got Dance Moms at 2 but you’re chaperoning Prom at 7.

What the–?  This show, I swear.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And…is that…?

fangirlingAAAAUUGGGHHH!  OhMyGawd!!!!!

Nobody told me Rachelle Rak was judging this thing!

I almost spit out the apple I was biting.  The ‘Sas’ was back!  We love Rachelle!

You remember her from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition and all the other stuff I keep reminding you about every time she shows up.

She’s my Broadway Girlfriend.  She just doesn’t know it.  Clearly.

Otherwise I’d have some box seat tickets in my hand right now.

Here she is getting ready for the competition.  I think they filmed it on Casual Friday at Toys ‘r Us.  Got enough Fisher Price on the floor there?

Rachelle_Rak_as_Wonder_Woman_-_2015-06-21And here she is on her way to the competition.

giphy-1I don’t know who Steve is, or why they were headed to Texas instead of Long Beach where the NYDE was being held.  But if she’s cheating on me, I’m glad Steve fell out of the plane because I don’t see him anywhere.

And finally, here she is realizing that the show had terrible lighting.

rsr2That’s right, baby.  Find that bright spot.  Mama didn’t raise no fool.

Werk.

rsrJoJo’s solo was a delightful mix of Michael’s Bad Video meets Janet‘s Rhythm Nation meets Toddlers & Tiaras Outfit of Choice.

jjsw2Unfortunately, she didn’t even place during the Awards, which was not cool.

Brynn and Sarah did well, though Sarah may or may not have wobbled, depending on who you talked to and what judge’s score sheet you reviewed.

sh1Throughout the entire competition, Abby was remarkably calm and…dare we say…almost pleasant?  It was creepy.

Clearly, Rolaids and Role Playing can do that to a person.

You heard me.  They said Abby role plays with Magic Mike.

But nothing impromptu.  She has a script.

For role playing.

With a man.

tumblr_inline_o4d9rsOW2R1s93pwl_500#ImDone.

Luckily, the Michael Jackson Little League World Series was about to begin.

42 md

Bonus:  Here’s a picture of MJ disguised as a baseball player when he wanted to go to Costco or wherever.  I forget.  But at least it finally proves he really did have a love for baseball, right?  Or at least International Day when they give out all the samples.tumblr_mcz4ly9qBX1rjsnqfo1_400Rachelle loved the number, even though she was quick to point out that there was not supposed to be an aerial in baseball.  I’m not sure which side of the coin she was judging on that one, but I guess it’s not out of the question that she could umpire in the Bronx on Mondays when most of the shows are dark.

When it was all over, Brynn and Sarah took home First Place.  But the group dance struck out.  Nada.  Nothing.  They didn’t even place.

But Abby was still pretty chillaxed about the whole thing.

Her biggest concern was that Sarah wasn’t a Quicker Picker Upper when it came to spills and choreography.  But that would have to wait for another day back at the ALDC Dugout.

Yeerrrrrrrrr Out!

aa

Game Over.

Buh Bye.

michael_jackson__s_kiss_on_the_hand_wave__gif__by_miyuki4117-d57mi0a

Bring It!: Time To Spill The Tea On The Season Finale Battle Royale. Let’s All Get Caught Up With A DD4L Mash-Up.

April 3rd, 2016

mp

 

 

Lemme just rinse out this new weave real quick and then I can get started on the spaghetti.

 

 

ty

 

 

One more person calls me Traci and I’m gonna unleash my Inner NeNe so hard on them…

 

 

c

 

 

 

I don’t know what she’s cooking in there, but it’s sure burning my eyes.

 

v1

 

 

 

That’s a nice story, but Imma need you to pick up the pace a little so I can get back to the X-Men.

 

j

 

 

 

 

 

#BitchStoleMyLook

 

tc

 

 

 

 

I got y’all new Team Cammie shirts…and only 5 dollah each! That new butt ain’t paying for itself, yo.

 

q??

 

 

 

WhatDaHell? None of this even makes any sense. Who keeps reading this s*** every week?

 

 

 

Whoa.

I know.

Slow yo’ roll, people.

t1

I’m a little late to the party this week.

But it ain’t my fault.

Blame it on whoever decided to air the Bring It! Season Finale Battle Royale episode on Easter Weekend.  Really?  On a holiday?  What was that all about?

Some of us were busy.

52eb67ad77bb9345ba22a3d49e949fdb87b639e9d0ac4aa9926e5bfb7edd2d3cBut we’re back now.

And ready to be traumatized by something other than Giant Bunnies.

Like the Battle Royale.  And the Spilling The Tea Reunion Show.

And maybe even a little booty popping prequel to Atlanta Plastic.

So, yeah.  We got a lot of ground to make up.  And cramming and scrambling three shows into one recap to get you all caught up?  What could possibly go wrong?

s4

This is gonna be a hot mess, I can already tell.

So to speed things up, let’s address all the elephants in the room (…in no particular order…) before we even begin.

1.  Vivica A. Fox‘s hair on the Reunion Show.

vvtumblr_n66vtcuJQW1swdsh3o2_500I love Vivica.  Especially ever since that episode of Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen when she totally came for 50 Cent and then was all like…

26770272SEMYou see that?  Youtube it.

But her hair this week?  Let’s just keep it 100, mmmkay?

x-men-stormShe put on that Mutant Wig and Twitter came for her like she was Halle Berry.sentinels stab storm xmen2.  The Divas Of Olive Branch Coach Neva McGruder was inexplicably MIA from the Battle Royale after all the drama following Horsegate.

neva-is-the-diva-for-bring-it-lifetime-210-recap-2015But she did manage to show up for the Reunion Show wearing all the same necklaces again.  You think she sleeps in those things or nah?

nm3.  Mimi‘s flat a**.

RIP.

mb4.  Traci Young Byron‘s face every time she she’s Tyrus Paris wearing her old hair. hairstyle-traci-step-it-upOk.  They didn’t actually show it, but you just know she was home on the couch in her pjs and Converse platforms looking at that Elite Starz Of Nashville Coach all like Really?traci-young-byron-outrages-step-it-up-fans

5.  I love this show.  To Infinity & Beyond.

And now you see how we’re playing it this week.  So good luck.

dr

With only a few days to go before the Battle Royale, Dianna Williams and her Dancing Dolls were hard at work creating routines which they hoped would finally score them a First Place trophy.  After losing out at the previous two finale competitions, Miss D was determined to bring home the top prize this year.

And this time around, the competition was stiffer than ever.

The Dolls would be going up against the Infamous Dancerettes, the Prancing Tigerettes and the aforementioned Elite Starz Of Nashville.  All strong teams.

With equally strong and over-the-top coaches.

John Connor and his ID gurlz had beaten the Dolls once before.

And Quincy Oliver‘s felines were now led by new Captain Princess, who clearly woke up every morning already in Beast Mode.

Check out Quincy looking all L.L.Bean.  They’re even open on Christmas Day if you want to snatch that look for yourselves, FYI.

qcamo

The Battle Royale would be broken down into two categories:  Stand Battle and Solo.

And that solo would count for 50% of a team’s total score.  Which is a lot.

So it was no wonder that Captain Camryn and my girl Mimi were straight out stress bags as the competition grew closer.  Cammie just wanted to make her Mom proud and I just wanted to give her a hug so she’d stop crying.

You got this, Peanut.

ccTo ensure a win, Dianna was pretty much bringing the whole damn Dollhouse to the competition.  Literally.  E’rrybody was getting packed into the Uhaul this week.

The Dolls.  The Babies.  The Boys.

Even 10 foot tall foam core letters that spelled out ‘C.A.M.R.Y.N’ with an ‘8’ in the middle had to be bubble wrapped and put on a flatbed, because the solo theme was all about Camryn being the 8th Wonder Of The World.  So…duh.

Sidetone:  This bow is actually the 8th Wonder Of The World.  But nobody asked me.

d04f48b9cdc0f8ea6fe62e1e023a9842After a quick scoot to Nashville where we got to watch Tyrus and his girls throw some shade doing the Miss D Weave Pat…

pat-your-weave…we were back in the IKEA Viewing Lounge patting Mimi’s non-existent a**.

ReWind:  I love this show.  To Infinity & Beyond.

In what was clearly going to be the most eagerly anticipated network crossover since Supergirl and The Flash came face to face, Mimi was taking her Award Winning DDP pancakes across town to Atlanta Plastic to pump up the jam as soon as a Battle Royale winner was crowned.

mimiDat’s rite.  Papa’s got a brand new bag.

And now Mama’s getting two scoops…no cone, please.

UnknownQ.  But what size bootay to get?

That was the question.  And one that we’ve all faced at some point in lives I’m sure, whether it be in the plastic surgeon’s office or at the club after too many beers.

Luckily, Seloncé showed up with a bag full of fresh veggies and produce that everyone stuffed down their pants like it was some kind of Farmer’s Market Twerk-Off in the hopes of determining which cheek was just right for Goldilocks.

buttsSide note:  My other girl Tina may or may not have outed Seloncé’s new amped up assets during the festivities.  We all thought things looked a little more robust back there this season, but it had never been fully addressed on camera until Tina blurted it out.

bring-it-dancing-dolls-mom-snapping-2015

I don’t think any of us were ready for all that jelly this week.

34b65f439d3cdbff6c29f39ad537a3bd.346x261x26 Or this.

jjWhich has nothing to do with anything, but it gives me #LIFE every time I see it.

I swear that picture needs its own theme song.

With only 3 days to go, the focus was on Camryn’s elaborate solo routine, which was going to incorporate African, Lyrical, Hip Hop AND Majorettes moves.

Which, if we’re being honest, is how we all dance at 2am closing time.  Am I right?

Hakuna Matata.  Now tip your waitress and stop being so messy.

Speaking of.  Jumping ahead a little (…after Mimi got her new butt…) Tina followed her to Atlanta for some new Ma-tatas.  Which is now officially the most awkward segue I’ve tried to slip past you guys in all the years I’ve been writing this mess.

Moving on.

To Mimi’s house.

mh

Which reminded me of this house.

Original Brady Bunch HouseWhich is the Brady Bunch house.  Which has nothing to do with anything again.

Before You Try It Dept.:  This is me when people start talking trash about Miss D…

tumblr_n3iq5nU27G1ql591ho1_500Anyway.

Mimi’s house.

Cammie was practicing her solo in the middle of the living room while Mimi was doing who knows what inside a giant lobster pot on the stove.

What was that all about?  Nothing went in.  Nothing came out.  She just kept sticking her hand in it like there was a prize down there or something.

Mimi.  I swear.  It’s like I always say…

giphy

And then Sunjai came home!!!

sjYAAAAS!!  Seloncé’s college gurl came home on Break to perform with the Alumni at the Battle Royale.  We love Sunjai.  And miss her a lot.  DeSales University got a good one when they handed her that scholarship.

sssBut she was back for a few days.  And I think she’s the one driving Star and Sky to practice, though I can’t be sure.  Are they all wearing the same glasses now?

How do they even know who’s who at Thanksgiving?

Regardless, Sunjai was going to be back in the spotlight with Kayla and three other Dancing Doll graduates during the final Stand Battle and you just knew they were gonna burn that floor up when they hit the parquet.

The Original Recipe Dolls back in action!

38368248_DDOLLS_111113_5_SHOT-0823

Finally, it was Showtime!

You see those poor little Baby Dolls struggling with their giant duffle bags?  One of ’em straight up fell over.  Why ain’t nobody helping them?  They’re like 2 feet tall.

bbdAnd the Dancing Doll Dads all showed up, too. DDD in the house!

dadsEven Faith‘s Dad, Dominic was in the bleachers.  He was a slow sell on this whole dancing thang at the beginning, but now he’s his daughter’s biggest fan.

Check out her Mama Dana all cleaned up…

dd1When you got a Reunion Show at 6 but you’re hosting the Grammys at 8.  Dang, gurl.

Needless to say, the crowd was going boinkers before the show even started.

Screaming.  Yelling.  Cheering.  Swinging around all their arts & craft signs like a Trump Rally.  Even people who didn’t have live babies to hold up over their heads brought fake ones just to wave around in front of the cameras.

baby

Mimi even brought everyone matching #TeamCamryn t-shirts, but apparently had retired the giant Cammie Head-On-A-Stick that I had been so looking forward to the entire episode.  If they’re not gonna use that anymore, I want it.

hos

And then it was time for the Battle Royale, bitches.

But not before the prerequisite hallway encounter, of course.  Rules are still rules.

Quincy had traded in his hunting camo for some transitional J.Crew layers.  Tyrus was so Fierce that I forgot what he was wearing.  And John finished up the Boy Band trio like it was 1990 all over again.  What is even happening on his head?

tumblr_o4lzupv2jC1tb8iyko1_500

qDianna’s face, tho.

dwAnd then my boy Jay’s Giving Me A Fever Johnny Harrington V took center stage to host one last shindig before the mid-season break.  Looking pretty fly, Doctor.

jf3Flashback:  Do we need to talk about this Season One hair for a few minutes?

emcForm a single line, ladies.  There’s plenty to go around.

First up in the Solo category was the Elite team, who got all Stars Wars on our flat a**, followed by the ID girls who were kinda sorta doing an ’80s thing, I think.

On the other hand, Princess and the Prancing Tigerettes were on fi-yah with their jungle theme, gotta say.  Even the DDPs were all like Whooaaa.

pt

But Camryn’s solo was when the bomb really dropped on that floor.

Her costume was In.  Sane.

ck

cmmie

And she nailed it.

Mimi cried.  Daddy Calvin cried.  Dianna cried.  Every last Dancing doll cried backstage after she finished her routine.  I cried.  The people downstairs under my apartment even cried because I had the damn TV so loud.

c3Camryn  Got.  It.  Done.

And then a couple thousand Twitter haters deleted their accounts.

Last up was the Stand Battle category.

Round One:  ID vs. the Prancing Tigerettes.  PT for the WIN.  John for the Sore Loser.

“We was robbed!”

Round Two:  Dancing Dolls vs. Elite Starz.  Tyrus brought out a bunch of boy dancers and a Fake Tyrus and another Fake Dianna that totally pushed all the Real Dianna’s buttons, just like he wanted.

Dolls for the WIN.  Duh.

And then it all came down to the Dancing Dolls vs. the Prancing Tigerettes in the final battle.  And it was Off.  The.  Hook.

Did you see Dianna’s boy do that thing where he was just balancing on his head before going into a full-on face plant?  Shut up.  That was nuts and your arguments are all irrelevant now.  If I didn’t have such a big noggin, I’d be all over that move.

Quincy brought out his Teenie Tigerette Babies and felt really good about Life until the Dolls unleashed their own Dancing Doll Babies and Dancing Doll Alumni and a Dancing Doll clown car full of Dancing Dolls who just kept coming outta that back door like some kind of Dancing Doll Vegas magic act.

Poor guy was all like…Whaaaa?

q3

Look at Sunjai walking out there like I do first day in my new Zumba class gear.

tumblr_o4m003c9eD1tb8iyko1_500Dude couldn’t even breath.

His face got as pink as Dianna’s dress right there.

Which was as pink as the feather fan Neva brought to the Reunion Show to try and cool herself down when Miss D popped off on her for bringing up her past in a Stand Battle.

tumblr_o4z2k4NGG01tb8iyko1_500Truth:  When your feathers match the Nashville coach’s hair chalk, then you know your Reunion Show Fan Game is on point.  Look at that poor thing.  She can barely breath.

Which is probably because Dianna called her out for that Horse Face routine she pulled the last time she was on the show.  Turns out we missed the part where a pimp was making it rain dollah dollah bills all over that horse, yo.

Yeah.  She went there.

And then Dianna went there.

dw1Lawd.  I just ’bout pulled another Elmo when she started in on Neva.

giphyBut anyway.

The Battle Royale.

First Place Solo:  CAMRYN!!

Battle Royale Winners: From Jackson, MI…the DANCING DOLLS!

Freaking.  Finally.  They won!!!!

And everyone went crazy like…tumblr_o4m05vJhRI1tb8iyko1_500And…tumblr_o4z2gcfXD61tb8iyko1_500And…94122-emotionless-spelling-bee-winne-DHa0And…

PCH-1230b…even though the check was only for $5,000 and not 10 Million.  But that’s still good.

And then it was over.  For now.

The Summer Season was just around the corner.  Less homework.  More practicing.

But first, Mimi had to go see a Man about some Silicone and then everyone had to put on their fancy clothes, get their face beat and hit up the Reunion Show.

Okay, ladies.  Now let’s get in Formation.

xmenI know, right?  All the Marvel Comics wigs at once.

x-women-x-men-women-7096518-1600-690I can’t stand how much I love this show.

Battle Of The Bling:  Check out Vivica and Tyrus.  You’re in my light, Boo.

12556132_208193209529005_52620956_nSeloncé knows she looks good.  MmmHmm.

tumblr_o4z260IBkY1tb8iyko3_500Check out Storm throwing a lightening bolt at Magneto.

tumblr_o4z2i1EQ791tb8iyko2_500And Rittany skeet shooting imaginary ducks with her imaginary rifle.

tumblr_o4z2i1EQ791tb8iyko1_500And my favorite part of all:  When I called into the show and asked Dianna if I write the best Bring It! recaps in all of the internet.

tumblr_o4z28m9Sne1tb8iyko1_500I swear.  That really happened.

It was at the very end, which is probably why your DVR didn’t catch it.

But it happened.

Right, Mimi?

mshOkay, then.

Time to go.  See you in the Summer, suckahs.

DD4L!dh


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