Bring It!: Time To Spill The Tea On The Season Finale Battle Royale. Let’s All Get Caught Up With A DD4L Mash-Up.

April 3rd, 2016




Lemme just rinse out this new weave real quick and then I can get started on the spaghetti.






One more person calls me Traci and I’m gonna unleash my Inner NeNe so hard on them…







I don’t know what she’s cooking in there, but it’s sure burning my eyes.






That’s a nice story, but Imma need you to pick up the pace a little so I can get back to the X-Men.















I got y’all new Team Cammie shirts…and only 5 dollah each! That new butt ain’t paying for itself, yo.






WhatDaHell? None of this even makes any sense. Who keeps reading this s*** every week?





I know.

Slow yo’ roll, people.


I’m a little late to the party this week.

But it ain’t my fault.

Blame it on whoever decided to air the Bring It! Season Finale Battle Royale episode on Easter Weekend.  Really?  On a holiday?  What was that all about?

Some of us were busy.

52eb67ad77bb9345ba22a3d49e949fdb87b639e9d0ac4aa9926e5bfb7edd2d3cBut we’re back now.

And ready to be traumatized by something other than Giant Bunnies.

Like the Battle Royale.  And the Spilling The Tea Reunion Show.

And maybe even a little booty popping prequel to Atlanta Plastic.

So, yeah.  We got a lot of ground to make up.  And cramming and scrambling three shows into one recap to get you all caught up?  What could possibly go wrong?


This is gonna be a hot mess, I can already tell.

So to speed things up, let’s address all the elephants in the room (…in no particular order…) before we even begin.

1.  Vivica A. Fox‘s hair on the Reunion Show.

vvtumblr_n66vtcuJQW1swdsh3o2_500I love Vivica.  Especially ever since that episode of Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen when she totally came for 50 Cent and then was all like…

26770272SEMYou see that?  Youtube it.

But her hair this week?  Let’s just keep it 100, mmmkay?

x-men-stormShe put on that Mutant Wig and Twitter came for her like she was Halle Berry.sentinels stab storm xmen2.  The Divas Of Olive Branch Coach Neva McGruder was inexplicably MIA from the Battle Royale after all the drama following Horsegate.

neva-is-the-diva-for-bring-it-lifetime-210-recap-2015But she did manage to show up for the Reunion Show wearing all the same necklaces again.  You think she sleeps in those things or nah?

nm3.  Mimi‘s flat a**.


mb4.  Traci Young Byron‘s face every time she she’s Tyrus Paris wearing her old hair. hairstyle-traci-step-it-upOk.  They didn’t actually show it, but you just know she was home on the couch in her pjs and Converse platforms looking at that Elite Starz Of Nashville Coach all like Really?traci-young-byron-outrages-step-it-up-fans

5.  I love this show.  To Infinity & Beyond.

And now you see how we’re playing it this week.  So good luck.


With only a few days to go before the Battle Royale, Dianna Williams and her Dancing Dolls were hard at work creating routines which they hoped would finally score them a First Place trophy.  After losing out at the previous two finale competitions, Miss D was determined to bring home the top prize this year.

And this time around, the competition was stiffer than ever.

The Dolls would be going up against the Infamous Dancerettes, the Prancing Tigerettes and the aforementioned Elite Starz Of Nashville.  All strong teams.

With equally strong and over-the-top coaches.

John Connor and his ID gurlz had beaten the Dolls once before.

And Quincy Oliver‘s felines were now led by new Captain Princess, who clearly woke up every morning already in Beast Mode.

Check out Quincy looking all L.L.Bean.  They’re even open on Christmas Day if you want to snatch that look for yourselves, FYI.


The Battle Royale would be broken down into two categories:  Stand Battle and Solo.

And that solo would count for 50% of a team’s total score.  Which is a lot.

So it was no wonder that Captain Camryn and my girl Mimi were straight out stress bags as the competition grew closer.  Cammie just wanted to make her Mom proud and I just wanted to give her a hug so she’d stop crying.

You got this, Peanut.

ccTo ensure a win, Dianna was pretty much bringing the whole damn Dollhouse to the competition.  Literally.  E’rrybody was getting packed into the Uhaul this week.

The Dolls.  The Babies.  The Boys.

Even 10 foot tall foam core letters that spelled out ‘C.A.M.R.Y.N’ with an ‘8’ in the middle had to be bubble wrapped and put on a flatbed, because the solo theme was all about Camryn being the 8th Wonder Of The World.  So…duh.

Sidetone:  This bow is actually the 8th Wonder Of The World.  But nobody asked me.

d04f48b9cdc0f8ea6fe62e1e023a9842After a quick scoot to Nashville where we got to watch Tyrus and his girls throw some shade doing the Miss D Weave Pat…

pat-your-weave…we were back in the IKEA Viewing Lounge patting Mimi’s non-existent a**.

ReWind:  I love this show.  To Infinity & Beyond.

In what was clearly going to be the most eagerly anticipated network crossover since Supergirl and The Flash came face to face, Mimi was taking her Award Winning DDP pancakes across town to Atlanta Plastic to pump up the jam as soon as a Battle Royale winner was crowned.

mimiDat’s rite.  Papa’s got a brand new bag.

And now Mama’s getting two scoops…no cone, please.

UnknownQ.  But what size bootay to get?

That was the question.  And one that we’ve all faced at some point in lives I’m sure, whether it be in the plastic surgeon’s office or at the club after too many beers.

Luckily, Seloncé showed up with a bag full of fresh veggies and produce that everyone stuffed down their pants like it was some kind of Farmer’s Market Twerk-Off in the hopes of determining which cheek was just right for Goldilocks.

buttsSide note:  My other girl Tina may or may not have outed Seloncé’s new amped up assets during the festivities.  We all thought things looked a little more robust back there this season, but it had never been fully addressed on camera until Tina blurted it out.


I don’t think any of us were ready for all that jelly this week.

34b65f439d3cdbff6c29f39ad537a3bd.346x261x26 Or this.

jjWhich has nothing to do with anything, but it gives me #LIFE every time I see it.

I swear that picture needs its own theme song.

With only 3 days to go, the focus was on Camryn’s elaborate solo routine, which was going to incorporate African, Lyrical, Hip Hop AND Majorettes moves.

Which, if we’re being honest, is how we all dance at 2am closing time.  Am I right?

Hakuna Matata.  Now tip your waitress and stop being so messy.

Speaking of.  Jumping ahead a little (…after Mimi got her new butt…) Tina followed her to Atlanta for some new Ma-tatas.  Which is now officially the most awkward segue I’ve tried to slip past you guys in all the years I’ve been writing this mess.

Moving on.

To Mimi’s house.


Which reminded me of this house.

Original Brady Bunch HouseWhich is the Brady Bunch house.  Which has nothing to do with anything again.

Before You Try It Dept.:  This is me when people start talking trash about Miss D…


Mimi’s house.

Cammie was practicing her solo in the middle of the living room while Mimi was doing who knows what inside a giant lobster pot on the stove.

What was that all about?  Nothing went in.  Nothing came out.  She just kept sticking her hand in it like there was a prize down there or something.

Mimi.  I swear.  It’s like I always say…


And then Sunjai came home!!!

sjYAAAAS!!  Seloncé’s college gurl came home on Break to perform with the Alumni at the Battle Royale.  We love Sunjai.  And miss her a lot.  DeSales University got a good one when they handed her that scholarship.

sssBut she was back for a few days.  And I think she’s the one driving Star and Sky to practice, though I can’t be sure.  Are they all wearing the same glasses now?

How do they even know who’s who at Thanksgiving?

Regardless, Sunjai was going to be back in the spotlight with Kayla and three other Dancing Doll graduates during the final Stand Battle and you just knew they were gonna burn that floor up when they hit the parquet.

The Original Recipe Dolls back in action!


Finally, it was Showtime!

You see those poor little Baby Dolls struggling with their giant duffle bags?  One of ’em straight up fell over.  Why ain’t nobody helping them?  They’re like 2 feet tall.

bbdAnd the Dancing Doll Dads all showed up, too. DDD in the house!

dadsEven Faith‘s Dad, Dominic was in the bleachers.  He was a slow sell on this whole dancing thang at the beginning, but now he’s his daughter’s biggest fan.

Check out her Mama Dana all cleaned up…

dd1When you got a Reunion Show at 6 but you’re hosting the Grammys at 8.  Dang, gurl.

Needless to say, the crowd was going boinkers before the show even started.

Screaming.  Yelling.  Cheering.  Swinging around all their arts & craft signs like a Trump Rally.  Even people who didn’t have live babies to hold up over their heads brought fake ones just to wave around in front of the cameras.


Mimi even brought everyone matching #TeamCamryn t-shirts, but apparently had retired the giant Cammie Head-On-A-Stick that I had been so looking forward to the entire episode.  If they’re not gonna use that anymore, I want it.


And then it was time for the Battle Royale, bitches.

But not before the prerequisite hallway encounter, of course.  Rules are still rules.

Quincy had traded in his hunting camo for some transitional J.Crew layers.  Tyrus was so Fierce that I forgot what he was wearing.  And John finished up the Boy Band trio like it was 1990 all over again.  What is even happening on his head?


qDianna’s face, tho.

dwAnd then my boy Jay’s Giving Me A Fever Johnny Harrington V took center stage to host one last shindig before the mid-season break.  Looking pretty fly, Doctor.

jf3Flashback:  Do we need to talk about this Season One hair for a few minutes?

emcForm a single line, ladies.  There’s plenty to go around.

First up in the Solo category was the Elite team, who got all Stars Wars on our flat a**, followed by the ID girls who were kinda sorta doing an ’80s thing, I think.

On the other hand, Princess and the Prancing Tigerettes were on fi-yah with their jungle theme, gotta say.  Even the DDPs were all like Whooaaa.


But Camryn’s solo was when the bomb really dropped on that floor.

Her costume was In.  Sane.



And she nailed it.

Mimi cried.  Daddy Calvin cried.  Dianna cried.  Every last Dancing doll cried backstage after she finished her routine.  I cried.  The people downstairs under my apartment even cried because I had the damn TV so loud.

c3Camryn  Got.  It.  Done.

And then a couple thousand Twitter haters deleted their accounts.

Last up was the Stand Battle category.

Round One:  ID vs. the Prancing Tigerettes.  PT for the WIN.  John for the Sore Loser.

“We was robbed!”

Round Two:  Dancing Dolls vs. Elite Starz.  Tyrus brought out a bunch of boy dancers and a Fake Tyrus and another Fake Dianna that totally pushed all the Real Dianna’s buttons, just like he wanted.

Dolls for the WIN.  Duh.

And then it all came down to the Dancing Dolls vs. the Prancing Tigerettes in the final battle.  And it was Off.  The.  Hook.

Did you see Dianna’s boy do that thing where he was just balancing on his head before going into a full-on face plant?  Shut up.  That was nuts and your arguments are all irrelevant now.  If I didn’t have such a big noggin, I’d be all over that move.

Quincy brought out his Teenie Tigerette Babies and felt really good about Life until the Dolls unleashed their own Dancing Doll Babies and Dancing Doll Alumni and a Dancing Doll clown car full of Dancing Dolls who just kept coming outta that back door like some kind of Dancing Doll Vegas magic act.

Poor guy was all like…Whaaaa?


Look at Sunjai walking out there like I do first day in my new Zumba class gear.

tumblr_o4m003c9eD1tb8iyko1_500Dude couldn’t even breath.

His face got as pink as Dianna’s dress right there.

Which was as pink as the feather fan Neva brought to the Reunion Show to try and cool herself down when Miss D popped off on her for bringing up her past in a Stand Battle.

tumblr_o4z2k4NGG01tb8iyko1_500Truth:  When your feathers match the Nashville coach’s hair chalk, then you know your Reunion Show Fan Game is on point.  Look at that poor thing.  She can barely breath.

Which is probably because Dianna called her out for that Horse Face routine she pulled the last time she was on the show.  Turns out we missed the part where a pimp was making it rain dollah dollah bills all over that horse, yo.

Yeah.  She went there.

And then Dianna went there.

dw1Lawd.  I just ’bout pulled another Elmo when she started in on Neva.

giphyBut anyway.

The Battle Royale.

First Place Solo:  CAMRYN!!

Battle Royale Winners: From Jackson, MI…the DANCING DOLLS!

Freaking.  Finally.  They won!!!!

And everyone went crazy like…tumblr_o4m05vJhRI1tb8iyko1_500And…tumblr_o4z2gcfXD61tb8iyko1_500And…94122-emotionless-spelling-bee-winne-DHa0And…

PCH-1230b…even though the check was only for $5,000 and not 10 Million.  But that’s still good.

And then it was over.  For now.

The Summer Season was just around the corner.  Less homework.  More practicing.

But first, Mimi had to go see a Man about some Silicone and then everyone had to put on their fancy clothes, get their face beat and hit up the Reunion Show.

Okay, ladies.  Now let’s get in Formation.

xmenI know, right?  All the Marvel Comics wigs at once.

x-women-x-men-women-7096518-1600-690I can’t stand how much I love this show.

Battle Of The Bling:  Check out Vivica and Tyrus.  You’re in my light, Boo.

12556132_208193209529005_52620956_nSeloncé knows she looks good.  MmmHmm.

tumblr_o4z260IBkY1tb8iyko3_500Check out Storm throwing a lightening bolt at Magneto.

tumblr_o4z2i1EQ791tb8iyko2_500And Rittany skeet shooting imaginary ducks with her imaginary rifle.

tumblr_o4z2i1EQ791tb8iyko1_500And my favorite part of all:  When I called into the show and asked Dianna if I write the best Bring It! recaps in all of the internet.

tumblr_o4z28m9Sne1tb8iyko1_500I swear.  That really happened.

It was at the very end, which is probably why your DVR didn’t catch it.

But it happened.

Right, Mimi?

mshOkay, then.

Time to go.  See you in the Summer, suckahs.


Dance Moms: When The ALDC Does David Bowie In Las Vegas, You Better Put All Your Money On Mama Drama.

March 30th, 2016




I think I’ll just hide back here behind you until whatever is happening stops happening. Srsly…






Just saying that if either of you try to leave me, I’ll snap both your necks like this. We good now?






Don’t cry, Peanut. Lemme tell you a little story about the International Year Of Nia. That one always cheers me up.






Them Haters already tryna take back my new ALDC jacket. Help me, Obi-Wan. They’re all nuts.






So clearly, nobody bothered to read my sweatshirt before you decided to get all up in my grill.






I promise you this, sweetie. If we’re both still alive in 5 years, I’ll take you out for a real drink.






I know that I haven’t slept for 72 hours, so you might wanna get that hand outta my face, asap.




You know what they say.

What happens in Pittsburgh doesn’t stay in Pittsburgh.

Because they totally say that, right?  It never stays there.

It usually just ends up moving to Los Angeles and eventually taking a road trip to Vegas.

Which totally happened on Dance Moms.


Vegas, Baby.

That’s right.  The ALDC was headed to Sin City for another Sheer Talent Competition this week and the odds were stacked in favor of some major Mama Drama before they even got any of their luggage on the bus.

And it started the second the credits finished rolling, with another one of those Random Moments of Chaos that the show likes to open with lately.

The gold Charleston costume was missing.

I swear.  The gold one.  And it was missing.

Sucked into the black hole known as The Back Storage Room.

And whoever was helping Abby Lee Miller dig through that mountain of plastic Target dump bins and Hefty Cinch Saks couldn’t find it to save her Life.  Or her job.

We also learned that Abby had spent the last 2 hours looking for a bolt of material that she specifically requested be pulled the night before by who I can only assume would be one of the random Boy Toy guys who are always walking around in the back of every shot carrying their lunch and a clipboard.


Side note:  I’m not really sure why those two fabric swatches match the map of Africa, or why there’s even a map of Africa on the back wall of a Los Angeles, CA dance studio store room/dorm room in the first place.  Or why it has to be so massive.

But there is.  And they do.

And I just bought a pair of suede shoes at Nordstrom that are the same color as Ethiopia, which is a rugged, landlocked country located in the Horn of Africa, split by the Great Rift Valley and known for its archaeological finds dating back more than 3 million years.


As Abby dug through a few more bins and Ashlee sat all by herself out on the empty MomBleachers with no friends (…she said it, not me…) we hitched a ride in Melissa‘s Uber to test out her newly installed CarCam.

Because she got one.

Check it out.  It’s like that taxi cab show where you try to win money.

carTakeaways from this scene:

1.  Maddie was starting to question whether she actually wanted to stay at the ALDC until retirement.  Hollywood is calling, yo.

2.  Mackenzie was stuck all the way in the back and didn’t even have one of those iPads that you can velcro to the back of a headrest and watch Frozen.

3.  Melissa ran a red light.

car runs red light between two carsKidding.  We love Mama Z.  And we didn’t actually see it happen.

Regardless, once Melissa got the cops off her tail and made it to the studio, Abby attempted to start the Pyramid of Shame.  With ‘attempted’ being the key word.

I don’t know.  It all happened so fast I had to rewind a few times.

Abby congratulated Brynn on finally becoming a legit member of the ALDC team.  JoJo hugged her.  Because she’s a hugger.  And things seemed to be going ok so far.


Until Ashlee opened her mouth and asked how Abby really felt about Moms who didn’t agree with last week’s results and who–

Boom.  Melissa cut her off at the knees.  All you want is drama.  Let’s just do Pyramid.

Ashlee raised her hand and her voice, which is never a good thing.

Duh.  I know what you think.  I wasn’t talking to you.  I was talking to Abby.

Oh snap.

#HollyFace Number One:  OhLawdHereWeGoAgain.

hThe whole thing escalated so quickly that before you knew it, everyone was yelling and crying and crying and yelling and running and bumping into cameramen who were bumping into each other and chasing Moms around the building like it was Nascar.

Ashlee said my MomCrush Jill was just jealous that Brynn was having a better season than Kendall.  Yeah, she said that.

And it’s true, she said.  Because it was all over #SocialMedia.

Social media?  Really?  Have we learned nothing in 6 seasons?

Kendall cried.  Which made JoJo hug her (…because she’s a hugger, remember…) and made Jill lose her nutty.  Don’t listen to her, honey.  That’s a lie.

She’s a Fool!  She’s a Fool!

giphy-3Yeah.  What he said.

Don’t talk to my kid.  Don’t look at my kid.  All you do is tear down kids.

You tear down kids every day, Jill.  No I don’t.  You tear down kids every day, Ashlee.  No I don’t.  Yes, you do.  No I don’t.  Yes, you do.

i_know_you_are_pee_wee_hermanAnd then it happened.

KK yelled at Ashlee.

111Wait.  What?

At first she politely said “No, I’m sorry.  She doesn’t do that…” when Ashlee accused Jill of trash talking Brynn all the time.  But when Ashlee got back in her face, KK lost her noodle and screamed “Why are you so mean?!?!” before taking off out the door, followed by Jill, who was all like…


The Kids are becoming like their Mothers.

Or at least that’s what Holly said.  And Holly’s always right.  And this time the whole scene was so horrifying that Holly made every emoji face in the entire IOS 9 update.

h1 h2 h4 h3

I love Holly too much.  Smiley Face emojis with hearts for eyes x Infinity.

Next thing you know, everyone was pouring out into the lobby and crying and hiding and getting subtitled behind the door of whatever this bathroom-looking thing is…

doorFind Out Next!:  Shout out to whoever that now-unemployed intern was who decided to lay that Will They Or Won’t They? graphic smack on top of the other subtitles right in the middle of the good part.

d2What the what?  Now I’ll never know what they were saying.

Brynn cried.  And then cried some more.

And then somebody else cried but I only heard them and never saw who it was.

Thankfully, The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia came to Brynn’s rescue like some kind of slo-mo #SLAYwatch lifeguard (…just like her Mama taught her, BTW…) and scurried the poor thing out of the line of fire and into her mother’s waiting arms.

ash3Recycled Analogy:  Once again, it was just like when an airplane is taking off and/or landing and all the babies on board start crying at the same time because their little ears are popping and there’s nothing you can do but hold them until the pilot turns the light off.

Crazy.  Pants.

mbMackenzie even cried, but I forget why.

Side note:  Is it just me or…?  I swear they’re using the same background music they used on the soundtrack for that new Dawn Of Justice movie.  Am I right?

Look at Jill going after Ashlee when she made Kendall cry.

Dang.  Mrs. Vertes don’t play.

#HollyFace Number 746:

h5We’re supposed to be Role Models.

Once the dust settled and I realized that it had only been NINE minutes since the show started…yes, you heard me…it was clear that the Pyramid was not gonna happen this week unless we were talking a 4 hour episode.

That’s right.  This recap is already half over and there hasn’t even been a commercial break yet.  Clearly, Imma need to trim back on some of the last 50 minutes of this thing.

Using the same psychic skills which allowed her to know how soon that yellow light was going to turn red, Melissa correctly predicted that MackZ, Brynn and Kalani would be performing solos at the competition if anyone actually got any dancing done this week.

Brynn would portray Princess Leia from Star Wars.  Kalani was going to wear Big Girl heels in a Fred Astaire Musical Theater routine.

And Mackadoodle would be channeling Jennifer Lopez, which made me very happy since Jenny From The Block never wore pigtails.

Melissa made a lot of these faces this week.  Something’s up.


Look at Holly during all this post-drama drama.


The group routine was going to be a tribute to David Bowie, complete with (…Spoiler Alert!…) this lightening bolt thing on their faces and big, over-sized blazers like you used to see on MTV when it was actually MTV.bowieis2Trust me, kids.  They used to have music on the music channel.  It was trippy

giphy-4And speaking of trippy.

The next day, Abby took Maddie out for some Girl Talk and a non-alcoholic beverage at the same Sal’s Restaurant they went to FIVE years ago when they were just visiting LA.

Flashback Alert:  Pocket Maddie was back!CHpDyxPWEAA43W6Look at her scoping out that martini like it was her first night on the town with a fake ID.


Where did the time go?

Season One Abby even made a special guest appearance, which was worth the cover charge and two drink minimum all by itself.  Where did the weight go?


Please tell me that’s not Melissa working the front desk in a beach cover-up.

With one day to go before Sheer Talent, Brynn had skipped school because she wasn’t feeling well, but had made it to rehearsals in the afternoon.  So you know how well that was received by the other Moms.

js2Luckily, Principal Holly came to the rescue and yanked everyone outside to the playground so the cafeteria wouldn’t get trashed during a study hall rumble.

What have we become?

2813cd6cd895ec793e55673a1dc1351dThank Gawd for Holly Frazier.  Voice Of Reason, She Is.

Short Version:  Jill and Kendall returned.  Kendall was wearing a snarky shirt that I enjoyed immensely and which didn’t go unnoticed by Twitter.  Jill cried in her interview whatchamacallit because of everything that Kendall has gone through lately.  And then the ALDC team actually put some ‘Dance’ back into the ALDC and got some rehearsing done.

Finally, it was Showtime!


And time for Michelle Obama to arrive at the venue.


I know, right?  She even has a Secret Service guy in sunglasses working the Sheer Talent detail just in case some 6 year old girl tries to bring down the First Lady with a piece of poster board covered in glitter glue.

And look at the dude behind her in the black tank top.

Somebody’s doing West Side Story today.

obama2Gah.  I love this show.

And Holly.  And the other Moms, of course.  #LIFE.  And some more emojis.

As part of her research, Brynn finally watched a couple of Star Wars movies since she wasn’t even born when they first came out.  In 1977.  Before electricity.

leiaWhen I did the math and figured out how much older I am then Brynn, tho.

leia-what-1438796540tumblr_n5dftfPwk71qg4blro2_500Before the show, Abby grabbed JLo-Z by the throat and let everyone know that she was born into the ALDC and that she had residency (…whatever that means…) and then gave her a noogie on the top of her head and squeezed her so tight she blacked out for a moment.  Guilt anyone into sticking around much?

TMZ Update:  Melissa still won’t say what the dealio is after this season.

Mackenzie’s solo was much more grown-up than her usual handstand-in-a-circle thing she usually busts out on stage.  I think this is the Year Of The Growth Spurt.


Kalani was straight up Broadway Baby.

I see a potential Rachelle ‘Sas’ Rak 2.0 in the making.


I bet Rachelle even subliminally planted something in the brain of every one of those kids back on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition that’s going to eventually turn them all into SasRobots unless someone says the Safe Word.

I saved a Smiley Face Heart Eyeball emoji for Rachelle, too.  XO

Brynn was nervous, but she nailed her routine…l3

…even landing on the ground like this a couple times.

a2465a2e0c394136a7f3bc759c11e98aBackstage after the solos…with all the Moms momentarily MIA…the girls were screwing around like plain old girls and having fun and goofing and getting excited for the David Bowie number.

mbw bw

JoJo was so excited she even tooted a little.pepe_baboonbw2bw4
Gross.  But they’re kids, I guess.

The group dance did David Bowie proud.

It was all technicolor and music video-y and made me want to immediately bring back shoulder pads as a must-have fashion accessory. tumblr_o4t0xuBBF51tb8iyko3_500mzbThe Results:

A different West Side Story kid took 3rd Place in the teeny tot solo division, which left room for Mackenzie’s 2nd Place and Brynn’s top spot First Place.  Yaaaaaas, girls!  Yaaaaaas!

Side note:  What’s this kid looking at?


Yeah, that’s the lady in the beach cover-up.

Now mind your own business.  We’re trying to make a TV show here.

Kalani scored 2nd Place in her age category and the ALDC group routine snatched First Place!  Not a bad day at all, if I do say so myself.

And how about that blinged-out iPad?  Holy smokes.  Put that thing down.ipad

Everyone was happy for a brief couple of seconds.  Until Ashlee noted that all the stress leading up to the competition had made her daughter stress out, that is.

Which, as a mother, made her sad.

Which then made all the other mothers try and figure out where do they go from here?

This week was definitely a wakeup call for the Moms.  Some of their drama was leaking onto their kids way more than they originally thought it was the last few months.

And Holly wasn’t liking it.

She was liking her outfit, tho.  Look at her.

Mama knows she’s on point this week, mmmkay?

hlgClearly, they all had some work to do.

Just not right now.

For now, everyone just needed to get back to LA, lick some wounds and regroup for the next round of competition.

And fix this.

Not try to fix it.

Fix it.


Dance Moms: Ease On Down, Girl! It’s Finally Brynn’s Big Moment…So You Know We’re Not In PA Anymore, Toto.

March 23rd, 2016




OMG. They’re all literally looking at me like nobody’s ever seen anyone with a brain before.






Hate to burst your bubble, ladies, but I’m a big girl now. I don’t need anyone babysitting me.






I’m telling you, she either gets outta my face right now or I’m dropping a house on her so hard…







All you have to do is sickle your lazy feet three times and say ‘Get me the hell back to Pittsburgh.’






It totally sucks. But remember when it’s all over…the Lion ends up being King of the Forest, ‘kay?






Sorry, Dorothy, but I got nothing in my bag of tricks that can fix this mess. You’re on your own.






I probably shouldn’t have thrown that milk bottle, because now I can’t get the baby to stop crying.






What the–?


I don’t think we’re in Pennsylvania anymore.




Never mind.  I know we’re not.

Because this place is even crazier than Pittsburgh on a good day.

Dat’s rite, Dorothy.  Dance Moms went Over The Rainbow and straight into rush hour traffic this week with an episode full of guest stars, returning favorites and enough Mama Drama to send anyone screaming back to Kansas.

So let’s do this, shall we?

As the team pulled up into the ALDC LA parking lot to start the show, everyone was jumping up and down with excitement to see that new Mom Kira had finally returned to the studio after 3 months of maternity leave.

Everyone except Ashlee, of course, who was more like…


…but without the cocktail, because it was still early.

After spending the last 12 weeks at home with her ridiculously cute newborn baby boy Jett (…Spoiler Alert:  While Melissa may or may not have been happily keeping an eye on Kalani for free…) Kira was back at the ALDC, despite vowing to never return as long as Ashlee remained on the premises.

But Kira was back.  Because her kid wanted to be there.

Which…FYI…is a line that every Dance Mom is contractually obligated to utter at least once a season, along with “I’m Done!” and “I swear Abby has lost her damn mind.”

True Fact:  I’ve read the fine print.  It’s in there.

Even Abby Lee Miller appeared happy to see Kira arrive as she ran out to greet the new Mom, bearing a gift bag that appeared to be just random giraffe parts shrink-wrapped up the same way Macy’s does their cosmetic sets on the weekend before Mother’s Day.


Not to be gross, but it looked exactly like a baby giraffe does when it’s born, right before it drops out and the water sac breaks.  Am I right?

Maybe it’s an LA Thing.

Regardless, that kid’s gonna be in his second year of Law School before Kira gets all those stuffed animals untangled.  But it’s the thought that counts, I guess.

So thank you, Miss Abby.  XO

My MomCrush Jill was exceptionally happy to see Kira show up, because if Kira could bully Ashlee a little bit…more power to her.

Side note:  I don’t know what editors Jill pissed off this season, but they aren’t cutting her any slack.  Lawd.  And I know what the haters are gonna say…so please don’t bother.

There’s chatrooms for that kind of stuff, thank you.

I love all the Moms, so let’s keep it fun in here.


Plus we need to talk about how long Jill’s nails are now, anyway.  No wonder she can’t use an ATM or pick up the phone and answer my stalker calls.

Inside the studio, Abby got right to the Pyramid of Shame.  It was going to be a busy week, so there was no time to waste chit chatting and screaming.

And speaking of Pyramids.  It was backwards.

I know, right?  Stop the Madness.

Abby started at the top.  And the top row was even a 2-fer this week.  I don’t think they’ve ever done that before, have they?  Do we even want to live in a world where nothing makes sense anymore?

The Z-Team, Maddie and Mackenzie, topped the charts.  Maddie’s solo had taken First Place at last week’s competition, so her spot was a given.  And while MackZ was MIA in PA, she had beaten out 200 girls for a scholarship to who knows where.  Scholarships always make me think of Harvard, so I’m going to say that she got a full scholarship to Harvard University’s Gymnastic Program and leave it at that.

Side note:  Macka-Whacka didn’t make this #MackFace until the very last second of the episode, but it’s way too good to waste.  What The What?

mkz If you look real close, her eyeballs are actually on bouncy springs.

The Middle Row of the Pyramid was full of Nia, Kendall, Brynn and Kalani.  Which left JoJo all by herself at the Bottom, because Abby ran out of kids.


Q.  Is her head shrinking again or are the bows still getting bigger?

This week, the gang was headed to Xpression Dance Competition, where they’d be competing in not one…but TWO…trio performances.

Seven kids.  Two trios.


Jill did some quick calculations (…in that exact same outfit, BTW…) and realized that one girl was going to be left out of the mix, which led to THE most uncomfortable round of team picking since we had dodgeball tryouts in my 8th grade gym class.

Brynn and Maddie were chosen as captains.  If Brynn’s team won, she would finally get to become a legit member of the ALDC.  If they lost, who knows.

TeamBrynn:  Kalani and Mackenzie.

TeamMaddie:  Kendall and JoJo.




And…h2Look at that vein in her neck.

Granted, you can’t protect your child from everything.  We know that.  But that didn’t make it any easier when Nia was left standing all by herself, surrounded by friends she had known for the last 12 years while some newbie transfer from another school came in and apple-picked all her favorite dancers.

Side note:  It all works out in the end, Sasha.  Don’t you worry.  Trust me, all those dumb jocks who didn’t pick me in dodgeball are regretting their decisions now while they’re out there in the cold pumping gas and I’m home in my onesie writing a Dance Moms blog.

6357269629384875472021991232_dodge2 tumblr_mu0s4wSaE21rpz385o1_400I swear that sounded way more motivational in my head.

#TeamNia.  #NiaNation.  #JuniorHighIssues.  #MovingOn.

Luckily, Nia would get to participate in the group dance, tho.  And it was a big production.

As in:  Commercial Production.

Turns out Abby was using a huge chunk of the week’s rehearsal time to create an elaborate Wizard of Oz-themed ‘Web Commercial’ for the ALDC, to help drive business into her new studio.

Which I guess meant that the only benefit she was seeing from those gigantic window banners they installed last week was a reduction in sun glare during the late afternoon.

And then the ‘Web Commercial’ would somehow be stretched into a group dance for the competition this weekend.  Ok.

Don’t Ask Dept.:  No clue what a ‘Web Commercial’ is, unless it’s that thing you skip after 3 seconds when you’re trying to watch a youtube video.  I’m not sure.

You should probably ask a viral video youtube star.

Like…I dunno…Todrick Hall maybe?



Yaaaaas!  That’s rite, ToddBalls!  Todrick Hall was in the hizzle to direct the commercial!

You know Todrick.  Or you should.

There’s only one of him, tho…not four…even tho the world would probably be a happier place if there were.  But he’s only one guy from American Idol and youtube and Target and about a gazillion Disney-related whatevahs.  He’s an amazing video producer and performed with the ALDC on that ‘Freaks Like Me’ song wearing Mickey Mouse hands.

You can even check out my all-time favorite Beauty and The Beat’ right here.

And don’t say I didn’t tell you so way back when.

Trivia Night:  Todrick also likes to wear LA zip codes on his head and do back flips a lot.

So there’s that, I guess.

tumblr_o4gj4xwr1X1tb8iyko1_500The next day, it just got weird.

Abby took Melissa shopping for Wizard of Oz clothes (…wherever one goes to find that kind of thing…) which left the rest of the Moms unchaperoned and ready to chew on each other’s necks.

I don’t even know how it started, but all of the sudden everyone was pig piled on top of each other on the MomBleachers and screaming and swearing and accusing each other of everything but war crimes.

Jill said Kira used Melissa for free babysitting.  Jessalynn said Kira called Melissa a bad person.  Kira defended staying at home so her new baby didn’t starve while some of the Moms may or may not have tried to make her feel like she abandoned Kalani.

Side note:  I love this show.  And I love editing.  The Perfect Storm.

Because this happened.


And then Jessalynn told Kira she wasn’t the most brightest person in the room.

635770204990473151-1965721270_tumblr_inline_nry1ueH2fM1s2wbut_500She said that.  Not the most brightest.  I loved Jess in her PJs last week.


And this happened, I think.  I forget.  j1And then this happened.k4And then Kira did this, but it was plastic.giphy-1(1)Which made Holly do this.

And then this.  Or maybe it was the other way around.h6And then Kira cried and Jess got up and left and was suddenly sitting back down again.

I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.


Bonus Points:  For Holly when she snarked about Abby being out of the building again.

“Why even show up?  Oh, that’s right.  Because you live here.”


Thankfully, the next day came around fast and we got some relief with the filming of the ‘Web Commercial.’  And let me tell you that thing went up in the Twister and landed smack down in the middle of CrazyTown so fast I dunno what happened.

While Abby was getting her makeup done…

9b61ca548458f77b36a65baaeb90fbee…the rest of the girls were busy getting into character.

There was a Scarecrow, a Good Witch and a Cowardly Diva Lion.

kn2A sassy Tin Man and fierce Wicked Witch.jkkAnd even Toto, too.


Which is actually the iconic Mouse Dance and the perfect opportunity to prove my point that…20 years later…we’re still dressing Mackenzie Boo like she’s in her first school play.


As was expected, Abby tried to take over the production a number of times.  That’s kind of her thing, you know.  And now Todrick knows it.

thLook at Kendall.  Werk It, Witch.
kkThis is totally how I lay on my desk when I finish up all my paperwork early.  Fire me.


31Did I forget to mention the part when Abby went out into the middle of the street during rush hour to stop cars so all these young children could dance in the middle of LA Freeway traffic just to pimp out her studio?  I might have.

Because that totally happened.

But the Moms weren’t having it, no matter how much Abby insisted.  Sometimes, as a parent, you have to draw the line.  Especially when it’s dotted.  And yellow.

And bumper to bumper.

So, yeah.  That didn’t happen.  But we did get to see Abby lose another screw in her head, which was fun.  And the production seemed to go well, even though the whole thing felt more like an auto showroom commercial than a dance studio.

Come on down to the ALDC!  Our prices are INSANE!

carsalesFinally, it was Showtime!

And almost out-of-time because we spent so much time screwing around with funny pictures this week.  But it was worth it, right?

For some reason, the trios were last, so first up we got to witness what was basically a 30 second spot for the ALDC run 4X to fill the time requirements of a group dance.

tumblr_o4gjaidp2e1tb8iyko1_500Ease On Down that Santa Monica Blvd., kiddos.

Both trios went really well…tumblr_mb7dk00c4j1rdutw3o1_400

tumblr_mchh46bEAs1r28h5so1_500 …even tho Maddie fell out of a turn early and now the Apocalypse is upon us.

Look at how cute Brynn is.

b1Always the team player, Nia was there to support the other girls, even though they technically boned her a little bit in the first quarter of the game.

But she’s good like that.   And mature.  And raised right.

And she got to flat iron her hair like a Boss while they were all stressing out.  So #WIN.

nhWhen it was all over, the group somehow managed to slip the price of ALDC tuition into their music about 27 times and then slipped away with First Place.

Even Holly was all like…

h4And then Brynn’s trio beat out Maddie’s trio and now Armageddon is also upon us.

#TURNGATE?  We’ll never know.

So that meant that Brynn finally got her ALDC logo jacket and even got to wear it for a hot minute before Ashlee and Jill and a couple random strangers in the front lobby all started screaming about a set up and a rigged dance competition.

Turns out that the emcee had not only worn a stunning chapeau, but also announced the wrong NUMBERS while awarding the titles to the correct TRIOS.  Still with me?

Don’t worry about it.

Ashlee cried.  Brynn cried.  Jill kept looking at Abby’s phone even though she said the photo of the score sheets on Abby’s phone didn’t mean anything to her at all.

Kendall told Jill that Ashlee said the other Moms were mean to Brynn.  Everything was crazy and everything I just reported may have been out of sequence.

And then Ashlee took off, momentarily leaving Brynn just standing there while Melissa got all like OhHellNah I’m Not Doing Free Babysitting Again.


Then it was over.

And I’m outta here.

I gotta lay down.  This show wore me out this week.

See ya down the road a bit.


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