Dance Moms: When It’s Bottom Of The Ninth And You Need A Thriller, It’s Time For JoJo To Steal The Show Show.

April 6th, 2016

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Raise your hand if you got something way better than a postcard in Vegas. Dolla Dolla Bill, yo!

 

 

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I’m not telling you where I hid all the other Christies until you give me that damn track jacket. I’m not playing.

 

 

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I’m totally serious. If they’re just gonna flip out and leave again, I’m calling their parking spot.

 

 

 

 

Imma need you ladies to wrap up all this crazy asap. I’m pitching a double header tonight.

 

jj

 

 

 

Ummm…Hello? I dance. I like sparkly things. And nobody understands me. I’m freaking Hee Hee Shamone MJ.

 

sh

 

 

 

So my voice finally changed. And yet I still have no words for what I’m walking into right now…

 

 

hh

 

 

Me and my kid even in this episode? Cuz if that’s how we’re playing it this week, I’m just gonna make a hair appointment.

 

 

 

Cue the music.

Living on the Dance Floor.

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Blood on the Dance Floor.

botdfwow

Yup.

Dancing and Bloodshed.  Thats what I’m talking about.

And there was a lot of both this week, literally and almost physically a few times, as old and new faces collided (…insert unintentional, yet inappropriately hilarious and smoothly transitional Michael Jackson Plastic Surgery Joke right here: _______ ) during the latest episode of Dance Moms.

Starting with The Return Of Christy Hunt.

Dat’s rite.

Look who was sitting on the MomBleachers as soon as the credits finished rolling.

Sarah Hunt‘s loud and proud Mama.

Christy was back.

No.

Not this Christi.  You wish.
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Or this Kristie.  Look at those crazy mime in a box arms flailing around.

tumblr_n65tiy1EQ21tcwnk1o1_500But the third one that everyone used to call CHRIST-y from back in the Pittsburgh days when it was the Attack Of The Christies every week.

The one who looks like John Candy in a Celine Dion wig.

jc1 celine-dion

That one right there.  jc

She didn’t used to look like that, but somehow on the flight from PA to LA she got herself natural highlights and a tube of lipstick and now she looks like that.

Side note:  I think she’s a riot.  And you know I love every Mom on this show, so no hate tweets.  Especially from John Candy fans, please.  Because that was a joke.

And I nailed it.  And you know that’s right.

Christy #3 was sitting on the MomBleachers all by herself when Ashlee rolled into the studio, so they had no choice but to awkwardly introduce themselves to each other and immediately pit their two kids against one another in a battle for that elusive ALDC jacket.

Side note again:  I love how everyone in Pittsburgh can just pick up everything they own in a rolling duffel bag and move to Los Angeles on a whim.  Don’t any of these people have pets  Whose feeding them?  I mean, how much dry cat food can you really leave in a bowl if you’re planning on sticking it out through the end of the 2016 dance season?

New Drinking Game Alert:  Ashlee’s hair.  It’s different in every shot.

Check it out next time.  She’s clearly one of those nervous hair finger runner-through-ers, because every time the camera cuts back to her she has a different part going on up there.  Nothing drastic, but sometimes it’s over there, or over there, or there’s a messy thing happening on top a little bit.

Relax, honey.  You got the gig.

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Next in the door was Melissa, who was all of the sudden Christy’s new BFF and gave her hugs and kisses like she just got out of prison and thanked her for all the millions of text messages from Pittsburgh while she was locked away.

Hold up.  Didn’t Melissa try to push Christy down a flight of stairs the last time they were together?  Or am I making that up?

Turns out that Christy had changed her…ways…and now Melissa loved her.

In capital letters:  LOVED her now.

This is Christy’s old hair.

cAnd these are her old ways.

tumblr_n9l3iuNDaL1ql5yr7o1_500Not gonna lie.  Kinda miss both.

And why was Holly dressed like 1960s Cher that day?  Not that I’m complaining.

article-2621958-1DA0A8D800000578-14_634x791After everyone else stumbled in for the Pyramid of Shame, it was explained that Kira and Kalani were not in LA this week due to a family funeral.  Condolences and a hug.

And then one more hug for that cute baby.

Bottom of the Pyramid was all about Kalani, Mackenzie‘s bad feet and JoJo, followed by Kendall, Maddie and Nia on the mezzanine level.

Which left little Brynn on top, with the highest score at last week’s competition and a track jacket that she could finally have embroidered with her own name.  You go, girl.  Muah.

brThis week the gang was headed to New York Dance Experience in Long Beach.

And Abby got some last week.

Because that’s how smoothly that transition went.

I was like…

dance-moms-now-you-see-hernow-you-dont-the-mi-L-s_7waWAnd Abby was like…yobtwballAnd then my MomCrush Jill explained that Abby had hooked up with some Mystery Man she nicknamed Magic Mike and now the Apocalypse is upon us for real.

Bonus:  Actual unedited, never before seen footage from Abby’s Vegas trip:

tumblr_m68cggbemZ1r3ifxzo1_500Isn’t that the Candy Apples lady in the red?

Golden-Sisters-Make-It-Rain

Think about that for a minute.

Cauepb8UYAAiu5XWhen she wan’t making it rain up in there, Abby somehow managed to find time to take in the Michael Jackson ONE Cirque du Soleil show and was now determined to create some MJ-inspired dances for this week’s competition.

Like the group routine.  Which had a baseball theme.  Because MJ loved baseball.

Excuse me?

Holly looked that way…

h

And then that way…
h1

And then that way and was all like Wait.  What?h2Everyone was Googling it, but nobody could find any Wikipedia references to how MJ’s signature sequined glove was actually a catcher’s mitt or any MLB regulations on backing up into home plate with a Moon Walk vs. sliding in face first.

I did find this dude from the Lehigh Valley IronPigs wearing a Thriller uniform for some reason.  His pants are tight, but his glove is so not sparkly.

19-lehigh-valley-ironpigs-michael-jackson-tribute-jerseys-crazy-minor-league-jerseys And I found a baseball with Michael Jackson’s face on it that only costs $19.99.

Michael-Jackson-BaseballBut mostly I just found pictures of Michael and the baby from Escape From The Planet Of The Apes looking all matchy matchy.

92110,xcitefun-michael-jackson-bubble-the-chimpAnd this, of course.

GTY_trump_jackson_1990_jef_160219_12x5_1600America.

Brynn and Sarah scored a duet, as well as Maddie and Kendall.  Except that Maddie was going to be MIA for the next 24 hours due to some Disney shindig that required her presence and now Kendall was already stressing out about it.

kkShe and Maddie are BFFs and with all the TMZ/US Weekly rumors over at CVS about the Zieglers evacuating the dance floor after this season, it made sense that KK wanted to get as much MaddieTime in as possible.

Bonus:  Here’s a shot of Ashlee and Christy when they were on The Price Is Right bidding on that Final Showcase at the end of the show.  Am I right?

pirAfter the girls rehearsed the group routine for a few, Melissa and Maddie had some time on the DL back in what I assume was the ALDC LA store or something.

stWith all the crap piled up in the storeroom next to Abby’s twin bed, I can’t believe there’s only one tank top and a pair of booty shorts hanging on that whole rack.  When I worked at the GAP I would have fired someone for that kind of merchandising.

That scene was basically foreshadowing things to come.  Stay tuned.

The next day, after Kendall got done taking all her selfies in the back parking lot (…you see that?…) everyone went inside so they could all get under Melissa’s skin over the TMZ/Us Weekly/CVS thing again.

Melissa has been making this face a lot lately.

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When she’s not booty popping, I mean.

bcbb

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Imagine driving by that window with all them ladies talking dirty.

dirtyOooh, Magic Mike.  You nasty.

Side note:  Where did all those people come from all of the sudden?  Look at ’em all.

The place has been empty for 2 seasons and all of the sudden it looks the Today Show window.  And what’s even happening right now with that one Mom right there trying to get her 15 minutes in front of the camera?

alm

I know those are probably sunglasses on her head, but if you squint she kinda looks like Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman, right?

And there she is again.

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Maybe she should be less worried about texting her girlfriends that she’s on the television and more worried about her kid hanging off that jungle gym back there.

That kid.  Right there.

Get down from there right now.  Go in that Homework Room.  I’m not tell you again.kids

Look at Abby having one of those mini strokes.

Side note Two:  I’m gonna assume we missed out on some Nia solo or something that never aired, because otherwise I have no explanation as to why Sasha was wearing fancy BigGirl heels and talking to herself and spinning a mirror around and around in the corner while Brynn and Sarah rehearsed.

mirrorPlease let it be a solo.  Because otherwise that’s something that a crazy person does alone at home on a Friday night with lipstick smeared all over their face.

You said you’d text me back.  I know you have your phone on.

Side note Three:  That was pretty much the extent of Holly and Nia’s participation this week.  And I am not happy at all.

Granted, Holly had a few more Pearls of Wisdom that she unleashed during the episode, which is a given.  But there were not nearly enough #HollyFaces or Moments of Clarity and/or Slaying to fill the hour and thats an issue that needs to be addressed asap by the producers.

#YAAAAAAS.

niaProgramming note:  For this evening’s rehearsal performance, the role of Maddie Ziegler will be played by JoJo Siwa.  And that’s pretty when it all started to go downhill.

JoJo and KK weren’t syncing up right.  Kendall wanted Maddie, even though she loves her some JoJo.  And she didnt’ want to do it as a solo.

So naturally, everyone started yelling and KK started crying and ran out of the studio and then back into the studio and snipped at Abby a little and then got dragged back out again by Jill who wasn’t going to let her do this in front of Abby or the cameras or me, because she knows it gives me anxiety.

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But you know how Reality Television goes.  They could have left out the part where Kendall got hit in the back of the head with a shovel by Wile E. Coyote and that’s why she was crying.  You just never know.

But regardless, everyone was running in circles like they do on Scooby Doo when they run in and out of all those different doors all at once.  It was crazy pants.

Scooby-Doo-Doors-scooby-doo-32575918-940-707

I love KK.

Yeah, I know.  She’s a crier.  But even Holly noted that…umm, duh…they’re children.  And this is an extremely stressful time for the children thanks to TMZ/US Weekly…etc.

So cut her some slack, yo.  Or take it to a chat room.

Contractually Obligated “I’m Done!” Scene:  Jill and Kendall ended up leaving.

hooks

Q.  Why is all that stuff always laying all over the floor and the benches when they have like a million empty hooks on the wall?  Seriously.

The next day, Kendall was back, but her duet with Maddie had somehow turned into a solo for JoJo.  And you know how well that was going over with everyone.  Especially Christy who kept needling Jessalynn about throwing friends under the bus just to get your kid ahead.

Check out everything that’s going on with Christy right there.

c3When you got Dance Moms at 2 but you’re chaperoning Prom at 7.

What the–?  This show, I swear.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And…is that…?

fangirlingAAAAUUGGGHHH!  OhMyGawd!!!!!

Nobody told me Rachelle Rak was judging this thing!

I almost spit out the apple I was biting.  The ‘Sas’ was back!  We love Rachelle!

You remember her from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition and all the other stuff I keep reminding you about every time she shows up.

She’s my Broadway Girlfriend.  She just doesn’t know it.  Clearly.

Otherwise I’d have some box seat tickets in my hand right now.

Here she is getting ready for the competition.  I think they filmed it on Casual Friday at Toys ‘r Us.  Got enough Fisher Price on the floor there?

Rachelle_Rak_as_Wonder_Woman_-_2015-06-21And here she is on her way to the competition.

giphy-1I don’t know who Steve is, or why they were headed to Texas instead of Long Beach where the NYDE was being held.  But if she’s cheating on me, I’m glad Steve fell out of the plane because I don’t see him anywhere.

And finally, here she is realizing that the show had terrible lighting.

rsr2That’s right, baby.  Find that bright spot.  Mama didn’t raise no fool.

Werk.

rsrJoJo’s solo was a delightful mix of Michael’s Bad Video meets Janet‘s Rhythm Nation meets Toddlers & Tiaras Outfit of Choice.

jjsw2Unfortunately, she didn’t even place during the Awards, which was not cool.

Brynn and Sarah did well, though Sarah may or may not have wobbled, depending on who you talked to and what judge’s score sheet you reviewed.

sh1Throughout the entire competition, Abby was remarkably calm and…dare we say…almost pleasant?  It was creepy.

Clearly, Rolaids and Role Playing can do that to a person.

You heard me.  They said Abby role plays with Magic Mike.

But nothing impromptu.  She has a script.

For role playing.

With a man.

tumblr_inline_o4d9rsOW2R1s93pwl_500#ImDone.

Luckily, the Michael Jackson Little League World Series was about to begin.

42 md

Bonus:  Here’s a picture of MJ disguised as a baseball player when he wanted to go to Costco or wherever.  I forget.  But at least it finally proves he really did have a love for baseball, right?  Or at least International Day when they give out all the samples.tumblr_mcz4ly9qBX1rjsnqfo1_400Rachelle loved the number, even though she was quick to point out that there was not supposed to be an aerial in baseball.  I’m not sure which side of the coin she was judging on that one, but I guess it’s not out of the question that she could umpire in the Bronx on Mondays when most of the shows are dark.

When it was all over, Brynn and Sarah took home First Place.  But the group dance struck out.  Nada.  Nothing.  They didn’t even place.

But Abby was still pretty chillaxed about the whole thing.

Her biggest concern was that Sarah wasn’t a Quicker Picker Upper when it came to spills and choreography.  But that would have to wait for another day back at the ALDC Dugout.

Yeerrrrrrrrr Out!

aa

Game Over.

Buh Bye.

michael_jackson__s_kiss_on_the_hand_wave__gif__by_miyuki4117-d57mi0a

Bring It!: Time To Spill The Tea On The Season Finale Battle Royale. Let’s All Get Caught Up With A DD4L Mash-Up.

April 3rd, 2016

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Lemme just rinse out this new weave real quick and then I can get started on the spaghetti.

 

 

ty

 

 

One more person calls me Traci and I’m gonna unleash my Inner NeNe so hard on them…

 

 

c

 

 

 

I don’t know what she’s cooking in there, but it’s sure burning my eyes.

 

v1

 

 

 

That’s a nice story, but Imma need you to pick up the pace a little so I can get back to the X-Men.

 

j

 

 

 

 

 

#BitchStoleMyLook

 

tc

 

 

 

 

I got y’all new Team Cammie shirts…and only 5 dollah each! That new butt ain’t paying for itself, yo.

 

q??

 

 

 

WhatDaHell? None of this even makes any sense. Who keeps reading this s*** every week?

 

 

 

Whoa.

I know.

Slow yo’ roll, people.

t1

I’m a little late to the party this week.

But it ain’t my fault.

Blame it on whoever decided to air the Bring It! Season Finale Battle Royale episode on Easter Weekend.  Really?  On a holiday?  What was that all about?

Some of us were busy.

52eb67ad77bb9345ba22a3d49e949fdb87b639e9d0ac4aa9926e5bfb7edd2d3cBut we’re back now.

And ready to be traumatized by something other than Giant Bunnies.

Like the Battle Royale.  And the Spilling The Tea Reunion Show.

And maybe even a little booty popping prequel to Atlanta Plastic.

So, yeah.  We got a lot of ground to make up.  And cramming and scrambling three shows into one recap to get you all caught up?  What could possibly go wrong?

s4

This is gonna be a hot mess, I can already tell.

So to speed things up, let’s address all the elephants in the room (…in no particular order…) before we even begin.

1.  Vivica A. Fox‘s hair on the Reunion Show.

vvtumblr_n66vtcuJQW1swdsh3o2_500I love Vivica.  Especially ever since that episode of Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen when she totally came for 50 Cent and then was all like…

26770272SEMYou see that?  Youtube it.

But her hair this week?  Let’s just keep it 100, mmmkay?

x-men-stormShe put on that Mutant Wig and Twitter came for her like she was Halle Berry.sentinels stab storm xmen2.  The Divas Of Olive Branch Coach Neva McGruder was inexplicably MIA from the Battle Royale after all the drama following Horsegate.

neva-is-the-diva-for-bring-it-lifetime-210-recap-2015But she did manage to show up for the Reunion Show wearing all the same necklaces again.  You think she sleeps in those things or nah?

nm3.  Mimi‘s flat a**.

RIP.

mb4.  Traci Young Byron‘s face every time she she’s Tyrus Paris wearing her old hair. hairstyle-traci-step-it-upOk.  They didn’t actually show it, but you just know she was home on the couch in her pjs and Converse platforms looking at that Elite Starz Of Nashville Coach all like Really?traci-young-byron-outrages-step-it-up-fans

5.  I love this show.  To Infinity & Beyond.

And now you see how we’re playing it this week.  So good luck.

dr

With only a few days to go before the Battle Royale, Dianna Williams and her Dancing Dolls were hard at work creating routines which they hoped would finally score them a First Place trophy.  After losing out at the previous two finale competitions, Miss D was determined to bring home the top prize this year.

And this time around, the competition was stiffer than ever.

The Dolls would be going up against the Infamous Dancerettes, the Prancing Tigerettes and the aforementioned Elite Starz Of Nashville.  All strong teams.

With equally strong and over-the-top coaches.

John Connor and his ID gurlz had beaten the Dolls once before.

And Quincy Oliver‘s felines were now led by new Captain Princess, who clearly woke up every morning already in Beast Mode.

Check out Quincy looking all L.L.Bean.  They’re even open on Christmas Day if you want to snatch that look for yourselves, FYI.

qcamo

The Battle Royale would be broken down into two categories:  Stand Battle and Solo.

And that solo would count for 50% of a team’s total score.  Which is a lot.

So it was no wonder that Captain Camryn and my girl Mimi were straight out stress bags as the competition grew closer.  Cammie just wanted to make her Mom proud and I just wanted to give her a hug so she’d stop crying.

You got this, Peanut.

ccTo ensure a win, Dianna was pretty much bringing the whole damn Dollhouse to the competition.  Literally.  E’rrybody was getting packed into the Uhaul this week.

The Dolls.  The Babies.  The Boys.

Even 10 foot tall foam core letters that spelled out ‘C.A.M.R.Y.N’ with an ‘8’ in the middle had to be bubble wrapped and put on a flatbed, because the solo theme was all about Camryn being the 8th Wonder Of The World.  So…duh.

Sidetone:  This bow is actually the 8th Wonder Of The World.  But nobody asked me.

d04f48b9cdc0f8ea6fe62e1e023a9842After a quick scoot to Nashville where we got to watch Tyrus and his girls throw some shade doing the Miss D Weave Pat…

pat-your-weave…we were back in the IKEA Viewing Lounge patting Mimi’s non-existent a**.

ReWind:  I love this show.  To Infinity & Beyond.

In what was clearly going to be the most eagerly anticipated network crossover since Supergirl and The Flash came face to face, Mimi was taking her Award Winning DDP pancakes across town to Atlanta Plastic to pump up the jam as soon as a Battle Royale winner was crowned.

mimiDat’s rite.  Papa’s got a brand new bag.

And now Mama’s getting two scoops…no cone, please.

UnknownQ.  But what size bootay to get?

That was the question.  And one that we’ve all faced at some point in lives I’m sure, whether it be in the plastic surgeon’s office or at the club after too many beers.

Luckily, Seloncé showed up with a bag full of fresh veggies and produce that everyone stuffed down their pants like it was some kind of Farmer’s Market Twerk-Off in the hopes of determining which cheek was just right for Goldilocks.

buttsSide note:  My other girl Tina may or may not have outed Seloncé’s new amped up assets during the festivities.  We all thought things looked a little more robust back there this season, but it had never been fully addressed on camera until Tina blurted it out.

bring-it-dancing-dolls-mom-snapping-2015

I don’t think any of us were ready for all that jelly this week.

34b65f439d3cdbff6c29f39ad537a3bd.346x261x26 Or this.

jjWhich has nothing to do with anything, but it gives me #LIFE every time I see it.

I swear that picture needs its own theme song.

With only 3 days to go, the focus was on Camryn’s elaborate solo routine, which was going to incorporate African, Lyrical, Hip Hop AND Majorettes moves.

Which, if we’re being honest, is how we all dance at 2am closing time.  Am I right?

Hakuna Matata.  Now tip your waitress and stop being so messy.

Speaking of.  Jumping ahead a little (…after Mimi got her new butt…) Tina followed her to Atlanta for some new Ma-tatas.  Which is now officially the most awkward segue I’ve tried to slip past you guys in all the years I’ve been writing this mess.

Moving on.

To Mimi’s house.

mh

Which reminded me of this house.

Original Brady Bunch HouseWhich is the Brady Bunch house.  Which has nothing to do with anything again.

Before You Try It Dept.:  This is me when people start talking trash about Miss D…

tumblr_n3iq5nU27G1ql591ho1_500Anyway.

Mimi’s house.

Cammie was practicing her solo in the middle of the living room while Mimi was doing who knows what inside a giant lobster pot on the stove.

What was that all about?  Nothing went in.  Nothing came out.  She just kept sticking her hand in it like there was a prize down there or something.

Mimi.  I swear.  It’s like I always say…

giphy

And then Sunjai came home!!!

sjYAAAAS!!  Seloncé’s college gurl came home on Break to perform with the Alumni at the Battle Royale.  We love Sunjai.  And miss her a lot.  DeSales University got a good one when they handed her that scholarship.

sssBut she was back for a few days.  And I think she’s the one driving Star and Sky to practice, though I can’t be sure.  Are they all wearing the same glasses now?

How do they even know who’s who at Thanksgiving?

Regardless, Sunjai was going to be back in the spotlight with Kayla and three other Dancing Doll graduates during the final Stand Battle and you just knew they were gonna burn that floor up when they hit the parquet.

The Original Recipe Dolls back in action!

38368248_DDOLLS_111113_5_SHOT-0823

Finally, it was Showtime!

You see those poor little Baby Dolls struggling with their giant duffle bags?  One of ’em straight up fell over.  Why ain’t nobody helping them?  They’re like 2 feet tall.

bbdAnd the Dancing Doll Dads all showed up, too. DDD in the house!

dadsEven Faith‘s Dad, Dominic was in the bleachers.  He was a slow sell on this whole dancing thang at the beginning, but now he’s his daughter’s biggest fan.

Check out her Mama Dana all cleaned up…

dd1When you got a Reunion Show at 6 but you’re hosting the Grammys at 8.  Dang, gurl.

Needless to say, the crowd was going boinkers before the show even started.

Screaming.  Yelling.  Cheering.  Swinging around all their arts & craft signs like a Trump Rally.  Even people who didn’t have live babies to hold up over their heads brought fake ones just to wave around in front of the cameras.

baby

Mimi even brought everyone matching #TeamCamryn t-shirts, but apparently had retired the giant Cammie Head-On-A-Stick that I had been so looking forward to the entire episode.  If they’re not gonna use that anymore, I want it.

hos

And then it was time for the Battle Royale, bitches.

But not before the prerequisite hallway encounter, of course.  Rules are still rules.

Quincy had traded in his hunting camo for some transitional J.Crew layers.  Tyrus was so Fierce that I forgot what he was wearing.  And John finished up the Boy Band trio like it was 1990 all over again.  What is even happening on his head?

tumblr_o4lzupv2jC1tb8iyko1_500

qDianna’s face, tho.

dwAnd then my boy Jay’s Giving Me A Fever Johnny Harrington V took center stage to host one last shindig before the mid-season break.  Looking pretty fly, Doctor.

jf3Flashback:  Do we need to talk about this Season One hair for a few minutes?

emcForm a single line, ladies.  There’s plenty to go around.

First up in the Solo category was the Elite team, who got all Stars Wars on our flat a**, followed by the ID girls who were kinda sorta doing an ’80s thing, I think.

On the other hand, Princess and the Prancing Tigerettes were on fi-yah with their jungle theme, gotta say.  Even the DDPs were all like Whooaaa.

pt

But Camryn’s solo was when the bomb really dropped on that floor.

Her costume was In.  Sane.

ck

cmmie

And she nailed it.

Mimi cried.  Daddy Calvin cried.  Dianna cried.  Every last Dancing doll cried backstage after she finished her routine.  I cried.  The people downstairs under my apartment even cried because I had the damn TV so loud.

c3Camryn  Got.  It.  Done.

And then a couple thousand Twitter haters deleted their accounts.

Last up was the Stand Battle category.

Round One:  ID vs. the Prancing Tigerettes.  PT for the WIN.  John for the Sore Loser.

“We was robbed!”

Round Two:  Dancing Dolls vs. Elite Starz.  Tyrus brought out a bunch of boy dancers and a Fake Tyrus and another Fake Dianna that totally pushed all the Real Dianna’s buttons, just like he wanted.

Dolls for the WIN.  Duh.

And then it all came down to the Dancing Dolls vs. the Prancing Tigerettes in the final battle.  And it was Off.  The.  Hook.

Did you see Dianna’s boy do that thing where he was just balancing on his head before going into a full-on face plant?  Shut up.  That was nuts and your arguments are all irrelevant now.  If I didn’t have such a big noggin, I’d be all over that move.

Quincy brought out his Teenie Tigerette Babies and felt really good about Life until the Dolls unleashed their own Dancing Doll Babies and Dancing Doll Alumni and a Dancing Doll clown car full of Dancing Dolls who just kept coming outta that back door like some kind of Dancing Doll Vegas magic act.

Poor guy was all like…Whaaaa?

q3

Look at Sunjai walking out there like I do first day in my new Zumba class gear.

tumblr_o4m003c9eD1tb8iyko1_500Dude couldn’t even breath.

His face got as pink as Dianna’s dress right there.

Which was as pink as the feather fan Neva brought to the Reunion Show to try and cool herself down when Miss D popped off on her for bringing up her past in a Stand Battle.

tumblr_o4z2k4NGG01tb8iyko1_500Truth:  When your feathers match the Nashville coach’s hair chalk, then you know your Reunion Show Fan Game is on point.  Look at that poor thing.  She can barely breath.

Which is probably because Dianna called her out for that Horse Face routine she pulled the last time she was on the show.  Turns out we missed the part where a pimp was making it rain dollah dollah bills all over that horse, yo.

Yeah.  She went there.

And then Dianna went there.

dw1Lawd.  I just ’bout pulled another Elmo when she started in on Neva.

giphyBut anyway.

The Battle Royale.

First Place Solo:  CAMRYN!!

Battle Royale Winners: From Jackson, MI…the DANCING DOLLS!

Freaking.  Finally.  They won!!!!

And everyone went crazy like…tumblr_o4m05vJhRI1tb8iyko1_500And…tumblr_o4z2gcfXD61tb8iyko1_500And…94122-emotionless-spelling-bee-winne-DHa0And…

PCH-1230b…even though the check was only for $5,000 and not 10 Million.  But that’s still good.

And then it was over.  For now.

The Summer Season was just around the corner.  Less homework.  More practicing.

But first, Mimi had to go see a Man about some Silicone and then everyone had to put on their fancy clothes, get their face beat and hit up the Reunion Show.

Okay, ladies.  Now let’s get in Formation.

xmenI know, right?  All the Marvel Comics wigs at once.

x-women-x-men-women-7096518-1600-690I can’t stand how much I love this show.

Battle Of The Bling:  Check out Vivica and Tyrus.  You’re in my light, Boo.

12556132_208193209529005_52620956_nSeloncé knows she looks good.  MmmHmm.

tumblr_o4z260IBkY1tb8iyko3_500Check out Storm throwing a lightening bolt at Magneto.

tumblr_o4z2i1EQ791tb8iyko2_500And Rittany skeet shooting imaginary ducks with her imaginary rifle.

tumblr_o4z2i1EQ791tb8iyko1_500And my favorite part of all:  When I called into the show and asked Dianna if I write the best Bring It! recaps in all of the internet.

tumblr_o4z28m9Sne1tb8iyko1_500I swear.  That really happened.

It was at the very end, which is probably why your DVR didn’t catch it.

But it happened.

Right, Mimi?

mshOkay, then.

Time to go.  See you in the Summer, suckahs.

DD4L!dh

Dance Moms: When The ALDC Does David Bowie In Las Vegas, You Better Put All Your Money On Mama Drama.

March 30th, 2016

jjk

 

 

I think I’ll just hide back here behind you until whatever is happening stops happening. Srsly…

 

amz

 

 

 

Just saying that if either of you try to leave me, I’ll snap both your necks like this. We good now?

 

nb

 

 

 

Don’t cry, Peanut. Lemme tell you a little story about the International Year Of Nia. That one always cheers me up.

 

giphy-1

 

 

 

Them Haters already tryna take back my new ALDC jacket. Help me, Obi-Wan. They’re all nuts.

 

vibe

 

 

 

So clearly, nobody bothered to read my sweatshirt before you decided to get all up in my grill.

 

afb

 

 

 

I promise you this, sweetie. If we’re both still alive in 5 years, I’ll take you out for a real drink.

 

 

jkg

 

 

I know that I haven’t slept for 72 hours, so you might wanna get that hand outta my face, asap.

 

 

 

You know what they say.

What happens in Pittsburgh doesn’t stay in Pittsburgh.

Because they totally say that, right?  It never stays there.

It usually just ends up moving to Los Angeles and eventually taking a road trip to Vegas.

Which totally happened on Dance Moms.

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Vegas, Baby.

That’s right.  The ALDC was headed to Sin City for another Sheer Talent Competition this week and the odds were stacked in favor of some major Mama Drama before they even got any of their luggage on the bus.

And it started the second the credits finished rolling, with another one of those Random Moments of Chaos that the show likes to open with lately.

The gold Charleston costume was missing.

I swear.  The gold one.  And it was missing.

Sucked into the black hole known as The Back Storage Room.

And whoever was helping Abby Lee Miller dig through that mountain of plastic Target dump bins and Hefty Cinch Saks couldn’t find it to save her Life.  Or her job.

We also learned that Abby had spent the last 2 hours looking for a bolt of material that she specifically requested be pulled the night before by who I can only assume would be one of the random Boy Toy guys who are always walking around in the back of every shot carrying their lunch and a clipboard.

f

Side note:  I’m not really sure why those two fabric swatches match the map of Africa, or why there’s even a map of Africa on the back wall of a Los Angeles, CA dance studio store room/dorm room in the first place.  Or why it has to be so massive.

But there is.  And they do.

And I just bought a pair of suede shoes at Nordstrom that are the same color as Ethiopia, which is a rugged, landlocked country located in the Horn of Africa, split by the Great Rift Valley and known for its archaeological finds dating back more than 3 million years.

63c

As Abby dug through a few more bins and Ashlee sat all by herself out on the empty MomBleachers with no friends (…she said it, not me…) we hitched a ride in Melissa‘s Uber to test out her newly installed CarCam.

Because she got one.

Check it out.  It’s like that taxi cab show where you try to win money.

carTakeaways from this scene:

1.  Maddie was starting to question whether she actually wanted to stay at the ALDC until retirement.  Hollywood is calling, yo.

2.  Mackenzie was stuck all the way in the back and didn’t even have one of those iPads that you can velcro to the back of a headrest and watch Frozen.

3.  Melissa ran a red light.

car runs red light between two carsKidding.  We love Mama Z.  And we didn’t actually see it happen.

Regardless, once Melissa got the cops off her tail and made it to the studio, Abby attempted to start the Pyramid of Shame.  With ‘attempted’ being the key word.

I don’t know.  It all happened so fast I had to rewind a few times.

Abby congratulated Brynn on finally becoming a legit member of the ALDC team.  JoJo hugged her.  Because she’s a hugger.  And things seemed to be going ok so far.

jj

Until Ashlee opened her mouth and asked how Abby really felt about Moms who didn’t agree with last week’s results and who–

Boom.  Melissa cut her off at the knees.  All you want is drama.  Let’s just do Pyramid.

Ashlee raised her hand and her voice, which is never a good thing.

Duh.  I know what you think.  I wasn’t talking to you.  I was talking to Abby.

Oh snap.

#HollyFace Number One:  OhLawdHereWeGoAgain.

hThe whole thing escalated so quickly that before you knew it, everyone was yelling and crying and crying and yelling and running and bumping into cameramen who were bumping into each other and chasing Moms around the building like it was Nascar.

Ashlee said my MomCrush Jill was just jealous that Brynn was having a better season than Kendall.  Yeah, she said that.

And it’s true, she said.  Because it was all over #SocialMedia.

Social media?  Really?  Have we learned nothing in 6 seasons?

Kendall cried.  Which made JoJo hug her (…because she’s a hugger, remember…) and made Jill lose her nutty.  Don’t listen to her, honey.  That’s a lie.

She’s a Fool!  She’s a Fool!

giphy-3Yeah.  What he said.

Don’t talk to my kid.  Don’t look at my kid.  All you do is tear down kids.

You tear down kids every day, Jill.  No I don’t.  You tear down kids every day, Ashlee.  No I don’t.  Yes, you do.  No I don’t.  Yes, you do.

i_know_you_are_pee_wee_hermanAnd then it happened.

KK yelled at Ashlee.

111Wait.  What?

At first she politely said “No, I’m sorry.  She doesn’t do that…” when Ashlee accused Jill of trash talking Brynn all the time.  But when Ashlee got back in her face, KK lost her noodle and screamed “Why are you so mean?!?!” before taking off out the door, followed by Jill, who was all like…

tumblr_lq038n2QhS1qbnfoaWow.

The Kids are becoming like their Mothers.

Or at least that’s what Holly said.  And Holly’s always right.  And this time the whole scene was so horrifying that Holly made every emoji face in the entire IOS 9 update.

h1 h2 h4 h3

I love Holly too much.  Smiley Face emojis with hearts for eyes x Infinity.

Next thing you know, everyone was pouring out into the lobby and crying and hiding and getting subtitled behind the door of whatever this bathroom-looking thing is…

doorFind Out Next!:  Shout out to whoever that now-unemployed intern was who decided to lay that Will They Or Won’t They? graphic smack on top of the other subtitles right in the middle of the good part.

d2What the what?  Now I’ll never know what they were saying.

Brynn cried.  And then cried some more.

And then somebody else cried but I only heard them and never saw who it was.

Thankfully, The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia came to Brynn’s rescue like some kind of slo-mo #SLAYwatch lifeguard (…just like her Mama taught her, BTW…) and scurried the poor thing out of the line of fire and into her mother’s waiting arms.

ash3Recycled Analogy:  Once again, it was just like when an airplane is taking off and/or landing and all the babies on board start crying at the same time because their little ears are popping and there’s nothing you can do but hold them until the pilot turns the light off.

Crazy.  Pants.

mbMackenzie even cried, but I forget why.

Side note:  Is it just me or…?  I swear they’re using the same background music they used on the soundtrack for that new Dawn Of Justice movie.  Am I right?

Look at Jill going after Ashlee when she made Kendall cry.
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Dang.  Mrs. Vertes don’t play.

#HollyFace Number 746:

h5We’re supposed to be Role Models.

Once the dust settled and I realized that it had only been NINE minutes since the show started…yes, you heard me…it was clear that the Pyramid was not gonna happen this week unless we were talking a 4 hour episode.

That’s right.  This recap is already half over and there hasn’t even been a commercial break yet.  Clearly, Imma need to trim back on some of the last 50 minutes of this thing.

Using the same psychic skills which allowed her to know how soon that yellow light was going to turn red, Melissa correctly predicted that MackZ, Brynn and Kalani would be performing solos at the competition if anyone actually got any dancing done this week.

Brynn would portray Princess Leia from Star Wars.  Kalani was going to wear Big Girl heels in a Fred Astaire Musical Theater routine.

And Mackadoodle would be channeling Jennifer Lopez, which made me very happy since Jenny From The Block never wore pigtails.

Melissa made a lot of these faces this week.  Something’s up.

m3

Look at Holly during all this post-drama drama.

hp2015-07-16-1437082928-9455988-pretzels_making_me_thirsty

The group routine was going to be a tribute to David Bowie, complete with (…Spoiler Alert!…) this lightening bolt thing on their faces and big, over-sized blazers like you used to see on MTV when it was actually MTV.bowieis2Trust me, kids.  They used to have music on the music channel.  It was trippy

giphy-4And speaking of trippy.

The next day, Abby took Maddie out for some Girl Talk and a non-alcoholic beverage at the same Sal’s Restaurant they went to FIVE years ago when they were just visiting LA.

Flashback Alert:  Pocket Maddie was back!CHpDyxPWEAA43W6Look at her scoping out that martini like it was her first night on the town with a fake ID.

mfbsal

Where did the time go?

Season One Abby even made a special guest appearance, which was worth the cover charge and two drink minimum all by itself.  Where did the weight go?

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Please tell me that’s not Melissa working the front desk in a beach cover-up.

With one day to go before Sheer Talent, Brynn had skipped school because she wasn’t feeling well, but had made it to rehearsals in the afternoon.  So you know how well that was received by the other Moms.

js2Luckily, Principal Holly came to the rescue and yanked everyone outside to the playground so the cafeteria wouldn’t get trashed during a study hall rumble.

What have we become?

2813cd6cd895ec793e55673a1dc1351dThank Gawd for Holly Frazier.  Voice Of Reason, She Is.

Short Version:  Jill and Kendall returned.  Kendall was wearing a snarky shirt that I enjoyed immensely and which didn’t go unnoticed by Twitter.  Jill cried in her interview whatchamacallit because of everything that Kendall has gone through lately.  And then the ALDC team actually put some ‘Dance’ back into the ALDC and got some rehearsing done.

Finally, it was Showtime!

giphy-2

And time for Michelle Obama to arrive at the venue.

obama

I know, right?  She even has a Secret Service guy in sunglasses working the Sheer Talent detail just in case some 6 year old girl tries to bring down the First Lady with a piece of poster board covered in glitter glue.

And look at the dude behind her in the black tank top.

Somebody’s doing West Side Story today.

obama2Gah.  I love this show.

And Holly.  And the other Moms, of course.  #LIFE.  And some more emojis.

As part of her research, Brynn finally watched a couple of Star Wars movies since she wasn’t even born when they first came out.  In 1977.  Before electricity.

leiaWhen I did the math and figured out how much older I am then Brynn, tho.

leia-what-1438796540tumblr_n5dftfPwk71qg4blro2_500Before the show, Abby grabbed JLo-Z by the throat and let everyone know that she was born into the ALDC and that she had residency (…whatever that means…) and then gave her a noogie on the top of her head and squeezed her so tight she blacked out for a moment.  Guilt anyone into sticking around much?

TMZ Update:  Melissa still won’t say what the dealio is after this season.

Mackenzie’s solo was much more grown-up than her usual handstand-in-a-circle thing she usually busts out on stage.  I think this is the Year Of The Growth Spurt.

tumblr_o4t17mn1g51tb8iyko2_500

Kalani was straight up Broadway Baby.

I see a potential Rachelle ‘Sas’ Rak 2.0 in the making.

kh

I bet Rachelle even subliminally planted something in the brain of every one of those kids back on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition that’s going to eventually turn them all into SasRobots unless someone says the Safe Word.

I saved a Smiley Face Heart Eyeball emoji for Rachelle, too.  XO

Brynn was nervous, but she nailed her routine…l3

…even landing on the ground like this a couple times.

a2465a2e0c394136a7f3bc759c11e98aBackstage after the solos…with all the Moms momentarily MIA…the girls were screwing around like plain old girls and having fun and goofing and getting excited for the David Bowie number.

mbw bw

JoJo was so excited she even tooted a little.pepe_baboonbw2bw4
Gross.  But they’re kids, I guess.

The group dance did David Bowie proud.

It was all technicolor and music video-y and made me want to immediately bring back shoulder pads as a must-have fashion accessory. tumblr_o4t0xuBBF51tb8iyko3_500mzbThe Results:

A different West Side Story kid took 3rd Place in the teeny tot solo division, which left room for Mackenzie’s 2nd Place and Brynn’s top spot First Place.  Yaaaaaas, girls!  Yaaaaaas!

Side note:  What’s this kid looking at?

c

Yeah, that’s the lady in the beach cover-up.

Now mind your own business.  We’re trying to make a TV show here.

Kalani scored 2nd Place in her age category and the ALDC group routine snatched First Place!  Not a bad day at all, if I do say so myself.

And how about that blinged-out iPad?  Holy smokes.  Put that thing down.ipad

Everyone was happy for a brief couple of seconds.  Until Ashlee noted that all the stress leading up to the competition had made her daughter stress out, that is.

Which, as a mother, made her sad.

Which then made all the other mothers try and figure out where do they go from here?

This week was definitely a wakeup call for the Moms.  Some of their drama was leaking onto their kids way more than they originally thought it was the last few months.

And Holly wasn’t liking it.

She was liking her outfit, tho.  Look at her.

Mama knows she’s on point this week, mmmkay?

hlgClearly, they all had some work to do.

Just not right now.

For now, everyone just needed to get back to LA, lick some wounds and regroup for the next round of competition.

And fix this.

Not try to fix it.

Fix it.

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