Dance Moms: When The ALDC Does David Bowie In Las Vegas, You Better Put All Your Money On Mama Drama.

March 30th, 2016

jjk

 

 

I think I’ll just hide back here behind you until whatever is happening stops happening. Srsly…

 

amz

 

 

 

Just saying that if either of you try to leave me, I’ll snap both your necks like this. We good now?

 

nb

 

 

 

Don’t cry, Peanut. Lemme tell you a little story about the International Year Of Nia. That one always cheers me up.

 

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Them Haters already tryna take back my new ALDC jacket. Help me, Obi-Wan. They’re all nuts.

 

vibe

 

 

 

So clearly, nobody bothered to read my sweatshirt before you decided to get all up in my grill.

 

afb

 

 

 

I promise you this, sweetie. If we’re both still alive in 5 years, I’ll take you out for a real drink.

 

 

jkg

 

 

I know that I haven’t slept for 72 hours, so you might wanna get that hand outta my face, asap.

 

 

 

You know what they say.

What happens in Pittsburgh doesn’t stay in Pittsburgh.

Because they totally say that, right?  It never stays there.

It usually just ends up moving to Los Angeles and eventually taking a road trip to Vegas.

Which totally happened on Dance Moms.

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Vegas, Baby.

That’s right.  The ALDC was headed to Sin City for another Sheer Talent Competition this week and the odds were stacked in favor of some major Mama Drama before they even got any of their luggage on the bus.

And it started the second the credits finished rolling, with another one of those Random Moments of Chaos that the show likes to open with lately.

The gold Charleston costume was missing.

I swear.  The gold one.  And it was missing.

Sucked into the black hole known as The Back Storage Room.

And whoever was helping Abby Lee Miller dig through that mountain of plastic Target dump bins and Hefty Cinch Saks couldn’t find it to save her Life.  Or her job.

We also learned that Abby had spent the last 2 hours looking for a bolt of material that she specifically requested be pulled the night before by who I can only assume would be one of the random Boy Toy guys who are always walking around in the back of every shot carrying their lunch and a clipboard.

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Side note:  I’m not really sure why those two fabric swatches match the map of Africa, or why there’s even a map of Africa on the back wall of a Los Angeles, CA dance studio store room/dorm room in the first place.  Or why it has to be so massive.

But there is.  And they do.

And I just bought a pair of suede shoes at Nordstrom that are the same color as Ethiopia, which is a rugged, landlocked country located in the Horn of Africa, split by the Great Rift Valley and known for its archaeological finds dating back more than 3 million years.

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As Abby dug through a few more bins and Ashlee sat all by herself out on the empty MomBleachers with no friends (…she said it, not me…) we hitched a ride in Melissa‘s Uber to test out her newly installed CarCam.

Because she got one.

Check it out.  It’s like that taxi cab show where you try to win money.

carTakeaways from this scene:

1.  Maddie was starting to question whether she actually wanted to stay at the ALDC until retirement.  Hollywood is calling, yo.

2.  Mackenzie was stuck all the way in the back and didn’t even have one of those iPads that you can velcro to the back of a headrest and watch Frozen.

3.  Melissa ran a red light.

car runs red light between two carsKidding.  We love Mama Z.  And we didn’t actually see it happen.

Regardless, once Melissa got the cops off her tail and made it to the studio, Abby attempted to start the Pyramid of Shame.  With ‘attempted’ being the key word.

I don’t know.  It all happened so fast I had to rewind a few times.

Abby congratulated Brynn on finally becoming a legit member of the ALDC team.  JoJo hugged her.  Because she’s a hugger.  And things seemed to be going ok so far.

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Until Ashlee opened her mouth and asked how Abby really felt about Moms who didn’t agree with last week’s results and who–

Boom.  Melissa cut her off at the knees.  All you want is drama.  Let’s just do Pyramid.

Ashlee raised her hand and her voice, which is never a good thing.

Duh.  I know what you think.  I wasn’t talking to you.  I was talking to Abby.

Oh snap.

#HollyFace Number One:  OhLawdHereWeGoAgain.

hThe whole thing escalated so quickly that before you knew it, everyone was yelling and crying and crying and yelling and running and bumping into cameramen who were bumping into each other and chasing Moms around the building like it was Nascar.

Ashlee said my MomCrush Jill was just jealous that Brynn was having a better season than Kendall.  Yeah, she said that.

And it’s true, she said.  Because it was all over #SocialMedia.

Social media?  Really?  Have we learned nothing in 6 seasons?

Kendall cried.  Which made JoJo hug her (…because she’s a hugger, remember…) and made Jill lose her nutty.  Don’t listen to her, honey.  That’s a lie.

She’s a Fool!  She’s a Fool!

giphy-3Yeah.  What he said.

Don’t talk to my kid.  Don’t look at my kid.  All you do is tear down kids.

You tear down kids every day, Jill.  No I don’t.  You tear down kids every day, Ashlee.  No I don’t.  Yes, you do.  No I don’t.  Yes, you do.

i_know_you_are_pee_wee_hermanAnd then it happened.

KK yelled at Ashlee.

111Wait.  What?

At first she politely said “No, I’m sorry.  She doesn’t do that…” when Ashlee accused Jill of trash talking Brynn all the time.  But when Ashlee got back in her face, KK lost her noodle and screamed “Why are you so mean?!?!” before taking off out the door, followed by Jill, who was all like…

tumblr_lq038n2QhS1qbnfoaWow.

The Kids are becoming like their Mothers.

Or at least that’s what Holly said.  And Holly’s always right.  And this time the whole scene was so horrifying that Holly made every emoji face in the entire IOS 9 update.

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I love Holly too much.  Smiley Face emojis with hearts for eyes x Infinity.

Next thing you know, everyone was pouring out into the lobby and crying and hiding and getting subtitled behind the door of whatever this bathroom-looking thing is…

doorFind Out Next!:  Shout out to whoever that now-unemployed intern was who decided to lay that Will They Or Won’t They? graphic smack on top of the other subtitles right in the middle of the good part.

d2What the what?  Now I’ll never know what they were saying.

Brynn cried.  And then cried some more.

And then somebody else cried but I only heard them and never saw who it was.

Thankfully, The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia came to Brynn’s rescue like some kind of slo-mo #SLAYwatch lifeguard (…just like her Mama taught her, BTW…) and scurried the poor thing out of the line of fire and into her mother’s waiting arms.

ash3Recycled Analogy:  Once again, it was just like when an airplane is taking off and/or landing and all the babies on board start crying at the same time because their little ears are popping and there’s nothing you can do but hold them until the pilot turns the light off.

Crazy.  Pants.

mbMackenzie even cried, but I forget why.

Side note:  Is it just me or…?  I swear they’re using the same background music they used on the soundtrack for that new Dawn Of Justice movie.  Am I right?

Look at Jill going after Ashlee when she made Kendall cry.
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Dang.  Mrs. Vertes don’t play.

#HollyFace Number 746:

h5We’re supposed to be Role Models.

Once the dust settled and I realized that it had only been NINE minutes since the show started…yes, you heard me…it was clear that the Pyramid was not gonna happen this week unless we were talking a 4 hour episode.

That’s right.  This recap is already half over and there hasn’t even been a commercial break yet.  Clearly, Imma need to trim back on some of the last 50 minutes of this thing.

Using the same psychic skills which allowed her to know how soon that yellow light was going to turn red, Melissa correctly predicted that MackZ, Brynn and Kalani would be performing solos at the competition if anyone actually got any dancing done this week.

Brynn would portray Princess Leia from Star Wars.  Kalani was going to wear Big Girl heels in a Fred Astaire Musical Theater routine.

And Mackadoodle would be channeling Jennifer Lopez, which made me very happy since Jenny From The Block never wore pigtails.

Melissa made a lot of these faces this week.  Something’s up.

m3

Look at Holly during all this post-drama drama.

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The group routine was going to be a tribute to David Bowie, complete with (…Spoiler Alert!…) this lightening bolt thing on their faces and big, over-sized blazers like you used to see on MTV when it was actually MTV.bowieis2Trust me, kids.  They used to have music on the music channel.  It was trippy

giphy-4And speaking of trippy.

The next day, Abby took Maddie out for some Girl Talk and a non-alcoholic beverage at the same Sal’s Restaurant they went to FIVE years ago when they were just visiting LA.

Flashback Alert:  Pocket Maddie was back!CHpDyxPWEAA43W6Look at her scoping out that martini like it was her first night on the town with a fake ID.

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Where did the time go?

Season One Abby even made a special guest appearance, which was worth the cover charge and two drink minimum all by itself.  Where did the weight go?

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Please tell me that’s not Melissa working the front desk in a beach cover-up.

With one day to go before Sheer Talent, Brynn had skipped school because she wasn’t feeling well, but had made it to rehearsals in the afternoon.  So you know how well that was received by the other Moms.

js2Luckily, Principal Holly came to the rescue and yanked everyone outside to the playground so the cafeteria wouldn’t get trashed during a study hall rumble.

What have we become?

2813cd6cd895ec793e55673a1dc1351dThank Gawd for Holly Frazier.  Voice Of Reason, She Is.

Short Version:  Jill and Kendall returned.  Kendall was wearing a snarky shirt that I enjoyed immensely and which didn’t go unnoticed by Twitter.  Jill cried in her interview whatchamacallit because of everything that Kendall has gone through lately.  And then the ALDC team actually put some ‘Dance’ back into the ALDC and got some rehearsing done.

Finally, it was Showtime!

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And time for Michelle Obama to arrive at the venue.

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I know, right?  She even has a Secret Service guy in sunglasses working the Sheer Talent detail just in case some 6 year old girl tries to bring down the First Lady with a piece of poster board covered in glitter glue.

And look at the dude behind her in the black tank top.

Somebody’s doing West Side Story today.

obama2Gah.  I love this show.

And Holly.  And the other Moms, of course.  #LIFE.  And some more emojis.

As part of her research, Brynn finally watched a couple of Star Wars movies since she wasn’t even born when they first came out.  In 1977.  Before electricity.

leiaWhen I did the math and figured out how much older I am then Brynn, tho.

leia-what-1438796540tumblr_n5dftfPwk71qg4blro2_500Before the show, Abby grabbed JLo-Z by the throat and let everyone know that she was born into the ALDC and that she had residency (…whatever that means…) and then gave her a noogie on the top of her head and squeezed her so tight she blacked out for a moment.  Guilt anyone into sticking around much?

TMZ Update:  Melissa still won’t say what the dealio is after this season.

Mackenzie’s solo was much more grown-up than her usual handstand-in-a-circle thing she usually busts out on stage.  I think this is the Year Of The Growth Spurt.

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Kalani was straight up Broadway Baby.

I see a potential Rachelle ‘Sas’ Rak 2.0 in the making.

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I bet Rachelle even subliminally planted something in the brain of every one of those kids back on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition that’s going to eventually turn them all into SasRobots unless someone says the Safe Word.

I saved a Smiley Face Heart Eyeball emoji for Rachelle, too.  XO

Brynn was nervous, but she nailed her routine…l3

…even landing on the ground like this a couple times.

a2465a2e0c394136a7f3bc759c11e98aBackstage after the solos…with all the Moms momentarily MIA…the girls were screwing around like plain old girls and having fun and goofing and getting excited for the David Bowie number.

mbw bw

JoJo was so excited she even tooted a little.pepe_baboonbw2bw4
Gross.  But they’re kids, I guess.

The group dance did David Bowie proud.

It was all technicolor and music video-y and made me want to immediately bring back shoulder pads as a must-have fashion accessory. tumblr_o4t0xuBBF51tb8iyko3_500mzbThe Results:

A different West Side Story kid took 3rd Place in the teeny tot solo division, which left room for Mackenzie’s 2nd Place and Brynn’s top spot First Place.  Yaaaaaas, girls!  Yaaaaaas!

Side note:  What’s this kid looking at?

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Yeah, that’s the lady in the beach cover-up.

Now mind your own business.  We’re trying to make a TV show here.

Kalani scored 2nd Place in her age category and the ALDC group routine snatched First Place!  Not a bad day at all, if I do say so myself.

And how about that blinged-out iPad?  Holy smokes.  Put that thing down.ipad

Everyone was happy for a brief couple of seconds.  Until Ashlee noted that all the stress leading up to the competition had made her daughter stress out, that is.

Which, as a mother, made her sad.

Which then made all the other mothers try and figure out where do they go from here?

This week was definitely a wakeup call for the Moms.  Some of their drama was leaking onto their kids way more than they originally thought it was the last few months.

And Holly wasn’t liking it.

She was liking her outfit, tho.  Look at her.

Mama knows she’s on point this week, mmmkay?

hlgClearly, they all had some work to do.

Just not right now.

For now, everyone just needed to get back to LA, lick some wounds and regroup for the next round of competition.

And fix this.

Not try to fix it.

Fix it.

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Dance Moms: Ease On Down, Girl! It’s Finally Brynn’s Big Moment…So You Know We’re Not In PA Anymore, Toto.

March 23rd, 2016

b

 

 

OMG. They’re all literally looking at me like nobody’s ever seen anyone with a brain before.

 

 

kh

 

 

Hate to burst your bubble, ladies, but I’m a big girl now. I don’t need anyone babysitting me.

 

 

cb

 

 

I’m telling you, she either gets outta my face right now or I’m dropping a house on her so hard…

 

 

giphy-2

 

 

 

All you have to do is sickle your lazy feet three times and say ‘Get me the hell back to Pittsburgh.’

 

nia

 

 

 

It totally sucks. But remember when it’s all over…the Lion ends up being King of the Forest, ‘kay?

 

 

oz

 

 

Sorry, Dorothy, but I got nothing in my bag of tricks that can fix this mess. You’re on your own.

 

 

kg1

 

 

I probably shouldn’t have thrown that milk bottle, because now I can’t get the baby to stop crying.

 

 

 

 

Toto?

What the–?

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I don’t think we’re in Pennsylvania anymore.

Actually…61b44114-ef7a-4d9c-a697-65df09334cd6

a4

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Never mind.  I know we’re not.

Because this place is even crazier than Pittsburgh on a good day.

Dat’s rite, Dorothy.  Dance Moms went Over The Rainbow and straight into rush hour traffic this week with an episode full of guest stars, returning favorites and enough Mama Drama to send anyone screaming back to Kansas.

So let’s do this, shall we?

As the team pulled up into the ALDC LA parking lot to start the show, everyone was jumping up and down with excitement to see that new Mom Kira had finally returned to the studio after 3 months of maternity leave.

Everyone except Ashlee, of course, who was more like…

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…but without the cocktail, because it was still early.

After spending the last 12 weeks at home with her ridiculously cute newborn baby boy Jett (…Spoiler Alert:  While Melissa may or may not have been happily keeping an eye on Kalani for free…) Kira was back at the ALDC, despite vowing to never return as long as Ashlee remained on the premises.

But Kira was back.  Because her kid wanted to be there.

Which…FYI…is a line that every Dance Mom is contractually obligated to utter at least once a season, along with “I’m Done!” and “I swear Abby has lost her damn mind.”

True Fact:  I’ve read the fine print.  It’s in there.

Even Abby Lee Miller appeared happy to see Kira arrive as she ran out to greet the new Mom, bearing a gift bag that appeared to be just random giraffe parts shrink-wrapped up the same way Macy’s does their cosmetic sets on the weekend before Mother’s Day.

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Not to be gross, but it looked exactly like a baby giraffe does when it’s born, right before it drops out and the water sac breaks.  Am I right?

Maybe it’s an LA Thing.

Regardless, that kid’s gonna be in his second year of Law School before Kira gets all those stuffed animals untangled.  But it’s the thought that counts, I guess.

So thank you, Miss Abby.  XO

My MomCrush Jill was exceptionally happy to see Kira show up, because if Kira could bully Ashlee a little bit…more power to her.

Side note:  I don’t know what editors Jill pissed off this season, but they aren’t cutting her any slack.  Lawd.  And I know what the haters are gonna say…so please don’t bother.

There’s chatrooms for that kind of stuff, thank you.

I love all the Moms, so let’s keep it fun in here.

j

Plus we need to talk about how long Jill’s nails are now, anyway.  No wonder she can’t use an ATM or pick up the phone and answer my stalker calls.

Inside the studio, Abby got right to the Pyramid of Shame.  It was going to be a busy week, so there was no time to waste chit chatting and screaming.

And speaking of Pyramids.  It was backwards.

I know, right?  Stop the Madness.

Abby started at the top.  And the top row was even a 2-fer this week.  I don’t think they’ve ever done that before, have they?  Do we even want to live in a world where nothing makes sense anymore?

The Z-Team, Maddie and Mackenzie, topped the charts.  Maddie’s solo had taken First Place at last week’s competition, so her spot was a given.  And while MackZ was MIA in PA, she had beaten out 200 girls for a scholarship to who knows where.  Scholarships always make me think of Harvard, so I’m going to say that she got a full scholarship to Harvard University’s Gymnastic Program and leave it at that.

Side note:  Macka-Whacka didn’t make this #MackFace until the very last second of the episode, but it’s way too good to waste.  What The What?

mkz If you look real close, her eyeballs are actually on bouncy springs.

The Middle Row of the Pyramid was full of Nia, Kendall, Brynn and Kalani.  Which left JoJo all by herself at the Bottom, because Abby ran out of kids.

jj

Q.  Is her head shrinking again or are the bows still getting bigger?

This week, the gang was headed to Xpression Dance Competition, where they’d be competing in not one…but TWO…trio performances.

Seven kids.  Two trios.

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Jill did some quick calculations (…in that exact same outfit, BTW…) and realized that one girl was going to be left out of the mix, which led to THE most uncomfortable round of team picking since we had dodgeball tryouts in my 8th grade gym class.

Brynn and Maddie were chosen as captains.  If Brynn’s team won, she would finally get to become a legit member of the ALDC.  If they lost, who knows.

TeamBrynn:  Kalani and Mackenzie.

TeamMaddie:  Kendall and JoJo.

TeamHollyFace:

h

And…
h1

And…h2Look at that vein in her neck.

Granted, you can’t protect your child from everything.  We know that.  But that didn’t make it any easier when Nia was left standing all by herself, surrounded by friends she had known for the last 12 years while some newbie transfer from another school came in and apple-picked all her favorite dancers.

Side note:  It all works out in the end, Sasha.  Don’t you worry.  Trust me, all those dumb jocks who didn’t pick me in dodgeball are regretting their decisions now while they’re out there in the cold pumping gas and I’m home in my onesie writing a Dance Moms blog.

6357269629384875472021991232_dodge2 tumblr_mu0s4wSaE21rpz385o1_400I swear that sounded way more motivational in my head.

#TeamNia.  #NiaNation.  #JuniorHighIssues.  #MovingOn.

Luckily, Nia would get to participate in the group dance, tho.  And it was a big production.

As in:  Commercial Production.

Turns out Abby was using a huge chunk of the week’s rehearsal time to create an elaborate Wizard of Oz-themed ‘Web Commercial’ for the ALDC, to help drive business into her new studio.

Which I guess meant that the only benefit she was seeing from those gigantic window banners they installed last week was a reduction in sun glare during the late afternoon.

And then the ‘Web Commercial’ would somehow be stretched into a group dance for the competition this weekend.  Ok.

Don’t Ask Dept.:  No clue what a ‘Web Commercial’ is, unless it’s that thing you skip after 3 seconds when you’re trying to watch a youtube video.  I’m not sure.

You should probably ask a viral video youtube star.

Like…I dunno…Todrick Hall maybe?

Boom.

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Yaaaaas!  That’s rite, ToddBalls!  Todrick Hall was in the hizzle to direct the commercial!

You know Todrick.  Or you should.

There’s only one of him, tho…not four…even tho the world would probably be a happier place if there were.  But he’s only one guy from American Idol and youtube and Target and about a gazillion Disney-related whatevahs.  He’s an amazing video producer and performed with the ALDC on that ‘Freaks Like Me’ song wearing Mickey Mouse hands.

You can even check out my all-time favorite Beauty and The Beat’ right here.

And don’t say I didn’t tell you so way back when.

Trivia Night:  Todrick also likes to wear LA zip codes on his head and do back flips a lot.

So there’s that, I guess.

tumblr_o4gj4xwr1X1tb8iyko1_500The next day, it just got weird.

Abby took Melissa shopping for Wizard of Oz clothes (…wherever one goes to find that kind of thing…) which left the rest of the Moms unchaperoned and ready to chew on each other’s necks.

I don’t even know how it started, but all of the sudden everyone was pig piled on top of each other on the MomBleachers and screaming and swearing and accusing each other of everything but war crimes.

Jill said Kira used Melissa for free babysitting.  Jessalynn said Kira called Melissa a bad person.  Kira defended staying at home so her new baby didn’t starve while some of the Moms may or may not have tried to make her feel like she abandoned Kalani.

Side note:  I love this show.  And I love editing.  The Perfect Storm.

Because this happened.

k3

And then Jessalynn told Kira she wasn’t the most brightest person in the room.

635770204990473151-1965721270_tumblr_inline_nry1ueH2fM1s2wbut_500She said that.  Not the most brightest.  I loved Jess in her PJs last week.

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And this happened, I think.  I forget.  j1And then this happened.k4And then Kira did this, but it was plastic.giphy-1(1)Which made Holly do this.
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And then this.  Or maybe it was the other way around.h6And then Kira cried and Jess got up and left and was suddenly sitting back down again.

I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

bill-haverchuck-freaks-and-geeks

Bonus Points:  For Holly when she snarked about Abby being out of the building again.

“Why even show up?  Oh, that’s right.  Because you live here.”

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoa#AndScene.

Thankfully, the next day came around fast and we got some relief with the filming of the ‘Web Commercial.’  And let me tell you that thing went up in the Twister and landed smack down in the middle of CrazyTown so fast I dunno what happened.

While Abby was getting her makeup done…

9b61ca548458f77b36a65baaeb90fbee…the rest of the girls were busy getting into character.

There was a Scarecrow, a Good Witch and a Cowardly Diva Lion.

kn2A sassy Tin Man and fierce Wicked Witch.jkkAnd even Toto, too.

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Which is actually the iconic Mouse Dance and the perfect opportunity to prove my point that…20 years later…we’re still dressing Mackenzie Boo like she’s in her first school play.

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As was expected, Abby tried to take over the production a number of times.  That’s kind of her thing, you know.  And now Todrick knows it.

thLook at Kendall.  Werk It, Witch.
kkThis is totally how I lay on my desk when I finish up all my paperwork early.  Fire me.

wwSup?

31Did I forget to mention the part when Abby went out into the middle of the street during rush hour to stop cars so all these young children could dance in the middle of LA Freeway traffic just to pimp out her studio?  I might have.

Because that totally happened.

But the Moms weren’t having it, no matter how much Abby insisted.  Sometimes, as a parent, you have to draw the line.  Especially when it’s dotted.  And yellow.

And bumper to bumper.

So, yeah.  That didn’t happen.  But we did get to see Abby lose another screw in her head, which was fun.  And the production seemed to go well, even though the whole thing felt more like an auto showroom commercial than a dance studio.

Come on down to the ALDC!  Our prices are INSANE!

carsalesFinally, it was Showtime!

And almost out-of-time because we spent so much time screwing around with funny pictures this week.  But it was worth it, right?

For some reason, the trios were last, so first up we got to witness what was basically a 30 second spot for the ALDC run 4X to fill the time requirements of a group dance.

tumblr_o4gjaidp2e1tb8iyko1_500Ease On Down that Santa Monica Blvd., kiddos.

Both trios went really well…tumblr_mb7dk00c4j1rdutw3o1_400

tumblr_mchh46bEAs1r28h5so1_500 …even tho Maddie fell out of a turn early and now the Apocalypse is upon us.

Look at how cute Brynn is.

b1Always the team player, Nia was there to support the other girls, even though they technically boned her a little bit in the first quarter of the game.

But she’s good like that.   And mature.  And raised right.

And she got to flat iron her hair like a Boss while they were all stressing out.  So #WIN.

nhWhen it was all over, the group somehow managed to slip the price of ALDC tuition into their music about 27 times and then slipped away with First Place.

Even Holly was all like…

h4And then Brynn’s trio beat out Maddie’s trio and now Armageddon is also upon us.

#TURNGATE?  We’ll never know.

So that meant that Brynn finally got her ALDC logo jacket and even got to wear it for a hot minute before Ashlee and Jill and a couple random strangers in the front lobby all started screaming about a set up and a rigged dance competition.

Turns out that the emcee had not only worn a stunning chapeau, but also announced the wrong NUMBERS while awarding the titles to the correct TRIOS.  Still with me?

Don’t worry about it.

Ashlee cried.  Brynn cried.  Jill kept looking at Abby’s phone even though she said the photo of the score sheets on Abby’s phone didn’t mean anything to her at all.

Kendall told Jill that Ashlee said the other Moms were mean to Brynn.  Everything was crazy and everything I just reported may have been out of sequence.

And then Ashlee took off, momentarily leaving Brynn just standing there while Melissa got all like OhHellNah I’m Not Doing Free Babysitting Again.

ml1

Then it was over.

And I’m outta here.

I gotta lay down.  This show wore me out this week.

See ya down the road a bit.

98c847eafa579aada41d1440f6e61f78

Dance Moms: Wassup With All These Maddie Rumors? Inquiring Minds Want To Know…She Staying Or She Going?

March 16th, 2016

jonas

 

 

I know it’s very last minute, but I found you this furry thing and even one of the Jonas Brothers.

 

 

j

 

 

I’m telling you right now…that kid is not going to the Award Show wearing my favorite furry vest.

 

 

purp

 

 

OMG. I’m like 11 years old. Why don’t they just glue eyes on this thing and shoot me now?

 

 

kkh

 

 

 

 

#JustStop

 

eye

 

 

 

 

It’s like they’re all looking at me right now. I can’t even remember what we’re talking about.

 

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I paid extra to have my name engraved, but it was worth it. Purell your hands before you touch it.

 

eye2

 

 

 

And make sure to give them all Face like “Bitch, I know you’re jealous of my Eyeball Jacket.”

 

 

 

Drumroll.

The envelope, please.

And the Award for the most Mama Drama goes to…

Psych.

I don’t wanna spoil it for you.

You’ll figure it out on your own soon enough, tho.  Trust me.

But first, we need to get you ready for something fancy.

Like an award show, maybe.

Because that’s exactly how this week’s Dance Moms started out….in full-on pre-show mode with Abby, Melissa and Maddie getting their hair did and their faces Beat to the Gawdz for the upcoming People’s Choice Awards.

mmWell…ok…that’s a lie.

The show actually started with this wide shot:

signsThink those signs are big enough?

Then we went into hair and makeup, because Maddie had been nominated for a 2016 PCA in the “Seriously Popular” category along with some other people who were also in the category.  I forget who exactly, but Melissa ran through the list of names on her iPhone while the camera zoomed in on all this tasty goodness…aa1I see what you did there, Mr. CameraGuy.

married-to-medicine-season-2-quad-201#ShadyBoots.

Since Mackenzie was back in Pittsburgh performing with the original ALDC squad this week, Melissa had given Abby 2 tickets to tonight’s award show, but nobody knew who her Mystery Date was going to be for the evening.  Even when pressed by Melissa, Abby wouldn’t give up any details on a potential escort.

Side note:  I’ve said it before, but still.tumblr_o43kj5nX7S1tb8iyko2_500

mw-dc905_trump_20150108160332_zhSeparated at Birth, or nah?

Even my MomCrush Jill had to bow to the awesomeness of Abby’s spray tan this week.

Flashback:  Remember when all the Toddlers & Tiaras kids used to get hosed down on the kitchen table while they’re brothers were sitting there in the overspray just trying to eat their cereal?  I loved that show.

And speaking of probably violating at least one city ordinance or fire code…the ALDC LA studio was busting at the seams with Dance Moms this week.  They were everywhere.

The Mini Moms were finally back (…minus two of the blond ones who took their kids and hit the road back to wherever…) as well as all the original full-size Moms.

Disclaimer:  I said full-size, not full-figure.  Relax, people.

And there was even a new Mom on the scene this week.

Meet Jeannie and her trifecta of tiny dancers.

31Kaylee, Rihanna and Coco.  11, 9 and 7 respectively.

I’m assuming they were either personally called and invited to the ALDC or were drawn in by those gigantic window signs.  I’m not sure.  But there they were, regardless.

So now, not only did we finally meet a 7 year old child named Coco, but the Mini Team was potentially back up to its full 6 member headcount again.

That’s right.  Abby was going to have the oldest girl, Kaylee, dance with the tater tots.

Which made Kaylee get all like ‘Excuse Me?’

duh …because she usually gets paid for babysitting, thank you.

Duh.

Oh.  And Peyton‘s Mom already knew Jeannie.  Because of course she did.

And she already wasn’t a big fan, which caused Kerri to make the same face she made when she refused to believe that any woman in the building could afford that quilted Chanel bag sitting behind her head.  As if.

chanelGossip Dept.:  Every major CVS rag on the rack had recently published stories about Maddie leaving the ALDC to pursue other interests, but Melissa was refusing to acknowledge the articles or discuss the situation with any of the Moms.

But, of course, that didn’t stop Ashlee from asking about it anyway.

Melissa did this a lot this week.

mzsmStill in curlers, Abby rushed through the Pyramid of Shame so she and the Zs could head off to the Awards for some free swag and appetizers.

Bottom Row:  Mackenzie, Kalani, JoJo and Nia.

Psych #2.  Abby moved Nia’s photo up one row, which caused Nia to make this face.

2015-08-10-1439188332-2404835-willisI mean, this face.

niaWhatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Miller?

Middle Row:  Kendall and Brynn, followed by Maddie on Top.

This week, the gang was headed to Placentia, CA for the Dream Dance Competition.

The new & improved Minis would be performing a group routine entitled ‘The Monsters,’ while the Big Girls would be circling overhead just like ‘The Vultures’ Abby thinks they are some times.  And Maddie got a solo.  Because Maddie.  ‘The Peoples Choice…Or Not?’

With their Uber already waiting outside to take them downtown, Abby tracked down Brynn in that freaky back storeroom and asked her if she wanted to go to the awards.

This face, tho.

bWhat do you think, lady?

Bonus Points:  To both Abby, for somehow finding an entire last minute Muppet-inspired outfit in Brynn’s size just hanging on a rack and to that random Boy Toy assistant who looked like whichever Jonas Brother it is that always works out, who kept walking in and out of the shot carrying what appeared to be a deli sandwich all wrapped to-go.

I don’t even understand this show anymore.

amPsych #3:  Hope Brynn didn’t cut the tags off that outfit, cuz she ain’t going anywhere.

It was a mess.

The other Moms took offense to Abby asking Brynn first instead of one of the other girls.

Which made Ashlee mad.

Which got Jill mad.

To nip it in the bud, Abby asked Kendall and Kalani if they wanted to go in Brynn’s place, but neither of them were touching that one with a ten foot pole.  Kudos for having the maturity to not take food right out of the mouth of your new little dance friend, girls.kk

Somehow when the dust settled, it ended up that Jill was going to the awards instead, even though she had nothing to wear.

Again…as if.

Deep down, I’ve always believed that everything Jill wears is actually velcro rip-away stuff that’s hiding something sequined underneath just in case anything like this ever happens to come up at the last minute and she finally gets that call from Dancing With The Stars.

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I know, right?  Iconic.

Eventually, everyone pig-piled on top of each other and nobody ended up going with Abby.

Nobody.

Jill wasn’t going to steal a little girl’s ticket.  Ashlee wasn’t going to let her baby girl get bulldozed by anyone.  Holly couldn’t believe we were still talking about this same issue 30 minutes later.  And then I did the math and realized that I could have just taken the last ticket and saved everyone alot of grief.  Thanks for nothing, ladies.

Fast forward:  And the Winner is…Maddie Ziegler!!  Our girl won!!

OMG.  Like Seriously Popular.pca

The next day, Team Ziegler was back and telling all their exciting celebrity stories.

pca2Melissa even brought the trophy to work and put it in Holly’s spot.

awWould you mind just scooting down a little bit so my baby’s trophy can get the good light?

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Side note:  I’m starting to love that clip almost as much as I love Holly.

After allowing everyone to touch the award like it was some religious artifact from the Holy People’s Choice Land, Melissa finally put it down and we got to watch the girls rehearse.

Srsly.  How adorbz were those little fur coats?  Even before they hot glued all the roly-poly craft store hilarity onto the fur?  I mean, c’mon.

eye1Spoiler Alert:  Why are there only three kids in that picture?

Clearly, the only person who wasn’t loving the purple fur…other than the guy they had to hunt down on Sesame Street for his pelt and eyeballs, of course…

purple4…was Kaylee, who rolled her still attached eyes and (…allegedly…) copped an attitude.

Mom immediately sat her down for the 411.

Apparently, Kaylee felt that the dance was for babies.  Too young.  Too cheeky.  And why would anyone above the age of 10 want to pretend to be a monster and be all like…

monsterI dunno, honey.  Why don’t we ask this lady when she’s done cashing in all her millions?

giphyYaaaaaaaas, Gaga.

Q.  And didn’t Brooke Hyland dance with Minis even when she was old enough to date boys and take a pie in the face?  Wasn’t she like 27 and still stepping on Mackenzie Boo back in the day?  Gah.  We miss those Hylands.

Take a bow, kids.  XOXO

giphy-2

With barely a day to go before the competition, all the Moms were out back by the dumpster (…cuz that’s where all the good trash gets talked…) dishing the dirt about Jeannie and her kids and…of course…the dreaded Social Media.

Yup.  Turns out that Jeannie had smack talked Abby and the ALDC crew online, calling them out for unprofessionalism and bad behavior and a stressful work environment and all the regular stuff you always put on social media when your boss rubs you the wrong way.

Mmmm.  Do tell.

smedia

#StrongKidsWalkAway.  She actually wrote that.

Yikes.

h1Probably not the best time for Jeannie & Co to roll up in their Escalade to announce that they were quitting the team already.

Side note:  Was it my TV or was Jessalynn talking really loud this week?  Cuz my ears…

I heart her, tho.  Here she is being loud again.

Stop it.  No…you stop it.

jsShort version:  Abby saw the social media posts and threatened to sic one of her 143 libel lawyers on Jeannie, who threw Chloe‘s name into the mix just to get everyone wound up.

Kudos to Melissa for standing up for the Lukasiaks and making it clear that Jeannie didn’t know the whole back story.

And then they were gone.

I guess Kaylee was off to do something better that didn’t involve scary faces and purple fur that watches you wherever you go in the room.

Art-MUI mean, really.  How creepy were all those coats hanging behind Maddie?  Go back up and look at that picture again.  I wouldn’t be able to sleep with those things in the house.

With the Mini roster completely cut in half, Abby scrambled the girls into a Trio and then snatched two random ALDC hip hop girls who happened to be walking by and signed them up to do a Duet at the last minute.  Sometimes panic brings out the best in everyone.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And Hat Day at the judges’ table.  You see that?  On point, boys.

Jill asked Melissa one more time if Maddie was sticking around or not, to which Melissa replied “As of right now”…which could either mean she’ll finish the dance, the season or this week’s episode.  Who knows.

But her solo was awesome.

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And they were barely done raving about it when the two surprise hip hop girls showed up backstage for some healthy competition.  And most of Abby’s attention.hh

Look at Brynn.  She totally knew what was about to hit the hip hop fan.b3

Needless to say, Kerri didn’t like that…at all.  So she made this face again.  chanel

But in a different outfit.

kr

And on steroids.

Kerri wanted her daughter to get some attention.  And respect.  And now.

Abby knew what she was doing.  She’d done it before, right?  We even got to see Chloe in an Amber Alert’ flashback to prove her point about healthy competition!

Hey, Boo!  Miss you more!

cm

And then it got louder.

Abby yelled.  Kerri yelled.  Peyton cried.  Rinse & Repeat.

Yell at my kid one more time.  You’re the people I don’t want in my studio.  You’re the culture.  Yell at my kid one more time.  I can get louder.

It was getting ugly.  And even louder.

 All Holly could think about was how good the coffee was…

hf…and the Bronx.

Bronx-ny-postcard

Where this happened.  Remember?
dance-moms-fightThey cut out this part since there were Minis in the room…

tumblr_n0w5c8WCiY1ql5yr7o2_250And they even cut out this part from when it aired overseas and somebody had to subtitle Holly when she was freaking out…

God Bless the Internet.  I even love Holly in Portuguese.

Luckily, it didn’t escalate to Kelly 2.0 and the show went on after all.

True Fact:  The pep talk between the 3 Minis was probably the best part of the whole episode.  Those kids are hilarious.  Face.  Give them Face.  Give them pre-school Face.

We got this.

Stop it.  I just can’t.

jsBoth the Mini Duet and Mini Trio went off without a hitch.  The Trio really stepped it up at the last minute, despite all the Mama Drama right before they went onstage.

Side note:  I really wanted to point out that one of the Minis has the most amazing calf muscles for such a teenie weenie, but it sounds way more unintentionally creepy when I say it out loud…so never mind.

The Big Girls were off the chart, too.

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All the flashbacks this week made me recall those dime store costumes and Crayola makeup jobs the Moms used to have to do on their kids mugs.  They’ve certainly come a long way since digging through that ratchet ALDC tutu store.

After a quick power point lesson on the mating rituals and survival techniques of Vultures (…Aegypius Monachus…) by Dr. Holly, it was time to hand out some awards.

Which the ALDC scooped up like those afore mentioned scavenging birds.

Mini Duet took First Place.  Mini Trio snagged Second Place.  And the Big Girls brought home another First Place trophy to put next to Melissa’s People’s Choice Award.

Which brought everyone back to the same old question one more time?

‘Sup with Maddie now?

mdHmmm.

Rumors?  Go figure.

Maybe next week.

Or not, I guess.

mz


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