Toddlers & Tiaras: It’s Boogie Shoes And Performance Enhancing Pixie Stix When Bailey’s Pageants Goes Disco.

June 7th, 2013

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Shut Up with these sick shoes. I am so totally wearing them to the next Real Housewives of Texas Reunion Show.

 

 

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Hand to Gawd. It’s only sweet tea, soda, pixie stix and that stuff they give to greyhounds before the race starts.

 

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Bitch, please.

 

 

 

 

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Oh yeah. Dat’s what I’m talkin’ about. Who’s yer Daddy? These’ll make you spit your cupcakes out, ladies. Pow. Pow.

 

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Srsly. Is it just me, or does that man with the Popeye arms smell like baby oil and Axe sport spray?

 

 

 

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Ok. Don’t tell JD, but I tried that Tinker Tea and that s*** is off the hook. My hair was straight when I woke up this morning.

 

 

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Whatchoo lookin’ at? Hell, yeah I’m drinking straight sugar out of a sippy cup. Maybe you should just find your seat, cuz it’s Go Time.

 

 

 

 

Umm…yeah.

So Toddlers & Tiaras is back.

Is there a problem?  Cuz if there is, maybe we should just take this outside and settle it.

Or maybe over there by the weight bench, and see who can max out on tricep dips.

Gold’s Gym or Bailey’s Pageants.  What’s it gonna be, you little pussy?

Whoa.

Sorry.  Didn’t mean to get so aggressive.  Apparently I’m still coming down from either Roid Rage or Pixie Pump, because this week’s premiere was definitely jacked up on sumthin.  Biceps and Booties were literally poppin’ up and out everywhere you looked.

And except for the sudden crash after the closing credits, you know I love me some Toddlers & Tiaras.  Not to mention platform shoes.  And Tonya Bailey.

So when Bailey’s Pageants put ’em all together for the Disco Fever Pageant…it was an incurable case of Boogie Fever.

Pageant Director Tonya got the disco ball rolling by explaining how this whole extravaganza was gonna go down.  And it was gonna go down hard.

The pageant was full Glitz, and if you don’t know what that means by now, there’s really not much I can offer you this late in the game.  Sparkle and Tans and Big Hair and Glitter and Confetti and Laser Tag and who knows what else.  Just make it Glitz.

Tonya always gets really excited over her pageants.  Like wide eyed excited, which is how you should get if you just spent all that money on Ramada security.  And this time, since she wasn’t wearing her signature Swarovski crystal pirate eye patch, you could really see her enthusiasm.

Sometimes she reminds me of a long lost friend who is so excited to see you that she forgets to blink, and other times I flash back to the look your Mom gave you when she first found that Playboy magazine under your mattress.  Hypothetically, of course.

But either way, Tonya was excited to be getting her disco down.

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Not only is Tonya big on eyes, but she’s also big on props.  And this time it was a Studio 54 Jimmy Choo stiletto.  Thank you Disco, for this shoe…which…umm…ok.

It was really more the kind of shoe that you’d thank your pimp for, but whatever…she’s paying.  She can thank the Academy if she wants to.  She’s Tonya.

The Grand Supreme deep dish winner this week was going home with…well…with basically a second summer home, I guess.  A ginormous (…say it with me…) $15,000 toy house from Lilliput Play Homes, and the thing was massive.

One:  Tonya.  Honey.  Where the hell are you supposed to put that monster?  You tell me half the Moms weren’t throwing the score just so they didn’t have to tear down the garage to make room for that thing.  I couldn’t afford the property taxes, much less the zoning ordinance fees.

Two:  Props to the dude from Lilliput Play Homes who had to walk around in public with a button down shirt that said Lilliput Play Homes on it and not get beat up on the playground.

Our first little princess was 2 year old Alexa and Mom Tori.  Seriously cute.

She had the kind of face you just wanted to squish it was so cute.  But you’d have to catch her first.  And good luck with that, because Mom puts Super Premium in her tank.

Alexa drinks coffee.  Just one cup a day, though.  Since she was 9 months old.

That’s right.  I didn’t even know what my own toes were used for when I was 9 months old, but apparently Alexa knows how to place an order at Starbucks.  Mom said one cup was not an abundancy, which rhymes with redundancy…and neither word makes sense.

Clearly, through the magic of television editing, it looked like Alexa slugged it down from morning to night, with no caffeinated nap time in the middle.  But if that was the case, we’d be trying to track her down on America’s Most Wanted or she’d be running the Olympics next to Usain Bolt, and neither of those things happened during the episode.

But Mom clearly loved her daughter, and that’s always the most important thing if I’m gonna sit through all this crazy every week.  All the parents did.  And supporting your kids is key.  You heard it here first.

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Alexa also talked in the best baby gibberish.  Evah.  And it needs to be my new outgoing voice mail message immediately.  Sorry I can’t come to the play in the water look so listen no I don’t…..unicorn.  Beep.

I have no idea what she said for most of the show, and it usually had nothing to do with the subject at hand or the questions she was asked.  But who cares?  When TLC waves the white flag and doesn’t even try to subtitle her ramblings ten minutes into the show, then you know it’s good stuff.  Did I mention cute?

Down the road a bit they were a little more focused, thanks to protein shakes, ginseng and grilled chicken with the skin off.

Between reps in her Fisher Price gym, we met 4 year old Brooke, Stepmom Linda and Dad Lou Ferrigno, better known as JD.

Dad liked to Pump.  It.  Up.

He was a competitive bodybuilder who only believed in extreme lifting, extreme healthy eating and those extreme animal print MC Hammer pants that they all wear down at Mike’s Gym.

Granted, we never actually saw him rocking any Zubaz (…please tell me that someone else remembers those…) but you know he totally had a pair in the closet hidden behind a FedEx box from BodyBuilding.com.  Linda was a fitness model and Brooke got Muscle Milk if she didn’t mess up her practice sessions.  Booyeah.

JD pretty much sealed his fate in the pageant world by blatantly making fun of thick girls and Honey Boo Boo‘s Mom before reenacting the opening sequence of a He-Man cartoon.  It wasn’t pretty.  And he swore that he didn’t like to judge people.  But when your biceps are bigger than your head, I guess you sometimes say things that really piss off everyone in line at Walmart.

The last contestant this week was sassy 3 year old Janeyah and Mom #1 Toya and Mom #2 Naye Naye.

I know, right?  Two Moms.  Dos Mamás.  How progressive.

They totally looked like they should be sharing the middle box in Hollywood Squares back in the day, like those two whacky ladies from 227 or something.

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(OMG.  If your favorite show right now is Bunheads, you may have to Google it to get that last joke.  But trust me…a long time ago, in a galaxy far away, there were non-HD sitcoms.  I swear.  And you couldn’t watch them online.)

Mom and Mom were like VH1 meets BET meets LOGO TV.  And they were a hoot.

Janeyah (…JaNEIGHaah…not Jane-Yeah like some internet doofs were saying after the show…) was diva sassy sassy diva all the way.  She kept saying “Spread Your Leg Out” which had something to do with disco I assumed, but it reminded me too much of NeNe Leakes telling Kim Zolciak to “Close Your Legs To Married Men” on one of the Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion Shows, and before you knew it the whole NeNe vs. Naye Naye thang got me so confused I had to walk away for a second.

Mom 1.0 had Type 2 Diabetes and tried to pay attention to what Janeyah ate so she didn’t overdo the sugar intake, which was a smart move.  Just a thought, but she might want to avoid any future play dates with Alexa just to be safe.  I’m sure that JD, on the other hand, would be more than happy to have GiGi (…why isn’t it JayJay?…) come over and learn how to use his Montel Williams juicer.  Or she could join them at the roller disco, because that totally happened before the pageant.

Speaking of Alexa.  After she had drained her Box o’ Joe, Mom whipped up another special cocktail to get her through some mid-day pageant rehearsing.

Go-Go Juice is so 2012, people.  It’s all about the Tinker Tea now.  Soda, sweet tea and a 12 pixie stix shooter.

BOOM goes the dynamite.

Alexa tore through Amber Tatum‘s dance studio like Speedy Gonzales in a hair bow until somebody suddenly hit the Pause button on her DVR and she just stopped moving.

NASA calls it a crash & burn, I believe.

Amber said working with Alexa while she was tanked up on TT was like trying to put two cats in a bag, which I thought was a little goofy, since I don’t think putting one in a bag would be any easier.  Two cats would be a bit of an abundancy, don’t you think?

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The other little princesses also worked on their routines a bit, but nothing too jaw dropping hit the screen other than Janeyah singing “We’re going to the pageant” so many times that I thought Mom 2.0 was going to tape her up inside that giant box they were gift wrapping for the stage.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Tonya showed us the difference between a fake smile and a real smile, which turned out to be no difference, and then we got down to disco bidnez.

(Side note:  I was oddly fascinated by those gigantic sparkly crowns that had a little disco ball dingle dangling in the middle like a Charlie Brown tree.  I kinda need one, for some reason.  And I have a huge head, so they may have finally found someone who fits into those things.)

My boy Todd Bailey was back as emcee.  Still looking like the lost Backstreet Boy with those frosted tips, he’s my new spotter at the gym.  He just doesn’t know it yet.

Not gonna lie…now that I know he’s actually Tonya’s husband and not some  young lover that she picked up in the hair care aisle on Cougar Double Coupon Day, I’m a little bummed.  In my head it was such a great story that I may still use it anyway.  She could be lying, right?

Alexa looked like Kellie Pickler sucking down Tinker Tea at the CMAs.  Her one-on-one interview spots pretty much gave me life.

Janeyah brought her “A” Game and had some pretty sassy Showtime at the Apollo hair going on up there.  She froze on stage for a second in the Beauty part, but the two Hollywood Squares ladies snapped her out of it pretty quickly.

Brooke was really dragging.  And crying.  And since JD had banned all unnatural pixie stix from their medicine cabinet, he and Linda scooted her into the ladies room (…ie…out of sight from what must have been a male camera guy…) and pumped her full of a mystery beverage that looked a lot like Red Bull on a foggy day.  At first I thought it was just my eyes glassing over from all the aerosol and glitter at the hotel, but then I realized that they blurred out the label.  But it was Red Bull.

Go read the online stories about Red Bull.  Something about Vietnam and heads bursting off at the neck or something.  I’ll stick with my Tinker Tea, thanks.

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The Disco Wear portion was exactly what we’ve all come to expect from the Disco Wear portions.  Except for JD, who jumped up on stage to assist Brooke in her routine.

Wearing nothing but an afro wig and Under Armour man panties, he flexed and did pushups and basically forgot that it was supposed to be Brooke’s day to shine.  I didn’t think it was possible, but somehow Tonya’s eyes got even bigger, and one lady in the audience fell out of her banquet chair.

Maybe it was just me, but with that nappy ‘fro and that roll-on, spray-on tan that they use for body building shows, he almost looked like Al Jolsen on steroids.  Am I right?

Pageant Mammy, how I love you.

It’s 2013.  I don’t know if I’d be taking that act on the road anytime soon, dude.

Brooke’s real Mom Vanessa showed up to watch her daughter compete, and after the musclepalooza she pretty much let the world know she thought her ex-husband was a Dbag.  She didn’t come right out and say it, but when a person swallows their gum, rolls their eyes and then says that “Yeah…he’s…umm…he’s something alright” you pretty much know she de-friended him on Facebook and threw out the two pair of lifting gloves that he left at her place.

Everyone did their thing.  And then some kids won some stuff.

None of the three tiny tots won that summer home.  They were all bummed.  But it is what it is, so build a pillow fort like the rest of us and get over it.

What really mattered was that waaaay in the background during the crowning flashmob was crazy Jessica McClamroch and all her crazy Mom hair and baby Ava.

Hey, Girlfriend.  Nice herrrrr!

Yup.  Toddlers & Tiaras is back.

Wednesdays.  9pm.

And Tinker Tea and crumpets at noon, of course.  Cuz we’re klassy like dat.

Sparkle, baby.

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Dance Moms: It’s The Anthony Burrell Show! Step Aside Ladies And Let The Boyz Show You How Crazy Is Done.

June 5th, 2013

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Damn, girl. Mama likes some of that fine beef jerky that Ohio has been importing lately.

 

 

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Whenever your boy getz the blues, I just put on my big giant hat and turn that frown upside down.

 

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I got no problem sitting in this closet full of pink cupcake dresses and telling that Bitch to Man Up.

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Don’t cry, little Buckeroo. It’s like that angry man in the tutu closet said: You’re Dad’s just being a pissy bitch.

 

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OMG. I’m like totally going on a date with a boy who can do a split. Haters gonna hate tomorrow.

 

 

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I would totally tap that. Or maybe just do a high kick and then throw some pie in her face. Whatev.

 

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Lawd. I never seen so much cryin’ and so many damn cows in all my life.

 

 

 

 

Please.

Not right now.  I just can’t.

Don’t talk to me.  Don’t touch me.

I’m bloated.  I’m emotional.  I just need my Häagen-Dazs and a spatula.

And it wouldn’t hurt if your kid could actually make it through a baseline CrossFit gym workout without wetting himself.  Is that too much to ask?

That’s right.  Dance Moms is back.

Or Dance Dads.  Or whatever it’s called nowadays.

Mathematically deducting all the crying, screaming and emotional baggage unleashed by both the Moms and the quasi-Alpha Males, this week’s 2 hour Summer Premiere gave us all about 11 minutes of actual choreographed dancing between commercials.

But we all know that if you wanted to see Mackenzie do another backflip, you’d go to youtube.  You go to Dance Moms for the drama.

And this week was Boyz Nite Out, yo.

The new season of dance competition just kicked into gear.  It was still the same season of the show, but a new season to compete on that Road to Nationals that Glee made so famous.  In TV Land a month had passed.  In the Real World just a little more if I’m not mistaken.  Those two weeks of Reunion Shows in that sparkly Star Trek Discotheque got me a little off track, so bear with me.

Spring Break gave the girls time to ice their knees and catch up on their book reports, while some of the Moms used the time off to get their hair did.

Kelly was now rocking those chunky highlights that were so popular about ten years ago, while Jill continued her gradual transition into Sue Ellen Ewing by darkening that uncontrollable hair.  Holly got herself a new flat iron and was looking pretty slick and sleek (…Michelle Obama who?…) while Melissa put her hot rollers to good use.

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Christi, on the other hand, didn’t really seem to know what to do with all that blonde ambition, so she just kinda waved the white flag and wore her hair up a lot this week.

Regardless, nothing gets done without the Pyramid of Shame, which was back after a few weeks on hiatus.

Bottom row was prime seating for Kendall, Nia and Mackadoodle.

Kendall had cried too much, Nia didn’t straighten her back leg even though she was yelled at 11 times (…not 12…they count these things, apparently…) and MackSplat hadn’t been able to keep up with bottle rocket Asia.  Same as always.  I’m thinking that I should just cut & paste this paragraph into the recap every week as a time saver.

Mezzanine level was all about Chloe, Asia and Paige.

Chloe had done a good job last time, but wasn’t Maddie.  So she was still numero dos.

Asia was actually MIA in Los Angles this week, doing whatever it is that squeaky Sophia had done a few months ago, I guess.  Which meant that Mama Krisitie was also MIA.  Which was so not cool.

No Kristie?  I momentarily contemplated actually opening up a book when I realized that JLo wouldn’t be throwing down this week.  Almost.

Paige was on the second row because she had stood up to Anthony Burrell and Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein when they started talking smack in the audience after her last performance.  Remember that?

That was when Kelly flipped a switch and went bazoinkers on them in the middle of the awards presentation, while that kid with the big Bozo shoes sat on stage behind her.

Seriously.  That still bothers me.  It totally distracted from the hormonal drama.  If they can pixelate Paris Hilton‘s hoooha every time she straddles out of a limo with no underpants, why couldn’t they have blurred out those gigantic feet?

Anyway.  Maddie was on top.  Because she’s Maddie.

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This week they were headed to the street behind the studio and staying in Pittsburgh for the Masters of Dance Arts Competition.  Chloe and Maddie were going to bust out a duet, Paige was doing a solo and Brooke got moved up to the majors and was going to dance with the ALDC Senior Group.

The elite senior group meant taller girls, not so many Cartoon Network hair bows and a chance to dance with boys who were sporting peach fuzz and Peter Brady voices.

Brooke was psyched.  I guess.  She never really shows any emotion.  She did keep pawing at her ponytail like she was deep conditioning the ends, so I’m going to assume she was a little nervous.  But psyched.

Then it was off to Ohio and the Evil Dance Lair known as Candy Apples.  I live for that 1950’s drive-in movie music they play every time we head to Ohio.  And the cows.  I also live for all the cows.  I had no idea they were the official state animal.  Are they on the flag at the State House?  Does anybody know?

Since Cathy only has those same four boys on her team, the Apple TV Pyramid is a little anti-climactic.  Nick 2.0, Jalen and Gino were on the bottom.  Zack on the top.

The End.  Power down the plasma.

They were, of course, heading to Pittsburgh to get all up in Abby’s face and needed to get right down to rehearsing.

Nick had a Cirque du Soleil solo, Zack and Gino were doing a tribute dance to Anthony’s father who had just passed and the whole gang was sticking it to Lance Armstrong with a cycling steroid samba group dance.

It was right about here that everyone involved with the show seemed to suddenly go on the same cycle (…no Lance pun intended…) and everything just went total hot mess.

In Ohio, Anthony cried when he explained how much the duet meant to him.  He also felt that the boys were too wimpy and took them all to SWAT gym for a workout in a desperate attempt at CrossFit-ing the girly right out of them.

Jalen smoked the bootcamp course, but tiny Gino (…allegedly 24 hours out of ICU from bronchitis or a rash or something…) had trouble pushing 10 times his body weight across the astroturf and Dad Mickey went complete Helicopter Poppa on Anthony.

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Which in turn got loose cannon Hockey Dad Rick wound up tighter than an Atlanta Housewife poppin’ off her acrylics.

Watching the two of them go at it like Kim and NeNe was TV Gold.  You wanna go outside?  Let’s go, Bitch.  Kristie Ray would have been so proud.

Rick screamed and did some jazz hands for visual emphasis.  Mickey yelled and screamed so much that he almost sweat through his white Welcome Back Kotter turtleneck and flatlined next to his son.  Gino just cried and looked in his book bag for an inhaler while Zack’s Mom Gina questioned all her life choices since high school.

Nick’s Mom Donna kinda looks like Angelica Houston, by the way.

Back in PA, Kelly was oddly unappreciative that Paige had been given a solo and Brooke had just received a promotion, and somehow found a bazillion reasons to complain and hate Abby and publicly declare that she hoped the entire senior number flopped.

Which was all Jill needed to get on her case.  And then Jill went to snitch on her to Abby down at that sloppy front desk.  And then Kelly caught Jill gossiping about her as she came downstairs to use the bathroom.  And then Melissa finally looked up from her iPhone and got on everybody’s case.  And then Holly tried to chill everyone out.

And then Jill’s furry boots.  What the hell?

Back in Ohio, Cathy cried as she realized her entire team was imploding and that a few Dads may have some questionable loyalty to Canton’s Finest.  Rick and Mickey hated each other and continually got all junior high up in each other’s grill any time they were in the same room.

And then…Stop The Presses!  Gino and Maddie.  Sitting in a tree.

Yup.  Somewhere in all this mess it came out that Gino had kissed Maddie on the cheek at one of the previous competitions.  And that…OMG…they were texting and possibly sharing government secrets concerning choreography and nuclear warheads.  Kids today.

Then Jill and Kelly went another round or two.  And then somehow Christi took over and she and Kelly went completely balls to the wall.  Screaming.  Crying.  I hate you.  I hate you more.  I hate you Infinity.

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Since I didn’t have my spreadsheet prepared in time for this week’s episode, I kind of lost track as to when Christi actually went downstairs and talked shizzle right in Paige’s face.  But it wasn’t pretty when the whole thing was exposed.  Paige cried.  Maddie almost cried.  I swear, people kept crying and popping up behind that Mom Perch couch like it was a Punch & Judy puppet show.

Next thing you knew, Kelly AND Gino were looking for inhalers as they both hyperventilated themselves into near seizures.

There was a lot of crying.  Did I already mention that?

And as if your heart could take anymore, at some point during one of the senior group flash mobs, there was a quick glimpse of Original Recipe Nick Dobbs and Payton Ackerman…and the Twitterverse pretty much just exploded.  The internet crashed and at least 927 TweenyBoppers were air lifted to Pittsburgh hospitals clutching their cell phones, screaming that they wanted to have Nick’s baby.

I know, right?  He’s so dreamy.

Abby also set Brooke up on a date with Kevin Cosculluela, her partner from the senior group, and then the whole thing just got a little incestuous for my tastes.  You see, Kevin is Gino’s brother, so it was kind of like sleeping with the enemy, kinda sorta, except that they are only teenagers and that would be gross.

Luckily they only had a food fight, trashed a pastry shop and ended the date with Kevin throwing half-eaten cake into Kelly’s freshly detailed mini-van.

Dude.  You are so dying single.

To ensure that the whole thing just went complete Telenovela this week, Anthony’s duet rehearsal ended in everybody crying when two young boys couldn’t relate to the emotional angst of a grown a** man who doesn’t feel appreciated as a choreographer.

While we’re on the subject, Zack’s Mom could very well be one of the best soap opera cryers on television today.  Dab.  Dab.  Hold the tissue dramatically.

And seriously.  For all the hats that Anthony owns, you’d think he could find one that fit.

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Finally, it was Showtime!  They just forgot to tell the audience, because the place was pretty empty.

Everyone’s dances went well.  The ALDC duet was off the hook.  The CADC duet was pretty emotional, even though one of the boys appeared to be wearing Pee Wee Herman‘s old bow tie.

Naturally, Abby tossed out a little snark regarding the Candy Apples duet, which on VH1 would mean that she  just disrespected Anthony’s Momma’s Baby Daddy.  So it was on.

Nick’s solo somehow magically turned into Johnny Weir in a bird cage and got a big round of applause from Angelica Houston.

Back out in the hallway, Christi and Jill pretty much lunged at Cathy as she walked through with bicycle wheels and testosterone boosters.  More screaming.  More crying.

For some reason, Cathy felt that the other Candy Apple parents should have gotten into a pig pile rumble with the ALDC Moms right there by the lockers to prove that they had her back.  But they didn’t.

So…more crying.

The ALDC senior group rocked the house.  I will say that since I can’t even bend over to tie my own shoes in my new skinny Levi’s, I was pretty impressed with Kevin ‘s flexibility in those pants.  Relax.  Nothing pervy.  Just saying I may have to pick up a pair for the klub this weekend.

Then some kids won some stuff.  Google it.

Backstage, there was more crying in every camp.

Anthony lost his noodle a few times.  Cathy smelled at least one Mole in her army as Mickey snuck off to the ALDC room to break up Jill and Kelly’s screaming match and to ask Abby if she wanted Gino on her team.

Emotionally drained (…Spoiler Alert:  Candy Apples didn’t do so well this time…) Cathy disappeared down the hallway next to a room where they clearly teach Español Sign Making, and then it was over.

Two hours of crying.  Literally.

I’m physically and emotionally drained.

Where’s my Häagen-Dazs?

I don’t even need a spoon.

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The Real Housewives Of New Jersey: Hide Yo’ Kids! Hide Yo’ Wives! Don’t Mess With Family…That’s Their Job.

June 3rd, 2013

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I heard that the Red Cross was looking for donations of canned goods and Louboutin stilettos.

 

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OMG! It’s from Child Services. They got my Hello Kitty text!

 

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F*** You. I’ll have you know this outfit won First Prize on Golden Girls Nite at the Shady Lady.

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I warned Rosie not to wear Mom’s good outfit on the Pride float. She’s gonna kill her when she gets home tonight.

 

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OhMyGod, Babe. The Chanel Runway Show was bananas. I choked on my pink lollipop and literally died a little. Maj.

 

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Ok. Srsly. These bitches be cray.

 

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Sweetie, you are preaching to the choir. Amen.

 

 

 

 

Here’s a thought.

You might want to keep that plywood on your windows for a few more months.

Just when New Jersey thought it had finally made some headway in the Hurricane Sandy recovery…they’re baaaaack.

That’s right.  The Real Housewives of New Jersey returned this week to unleash a 5th season of disfunzioni familiari all over our living room floors, and I couldn’t be happier.

All the body glitter and side eye that we’ve come to expect was back, with Teresa Giudice and Melissa Gorga‘s never ending feud still front and center.  And just as uncomfortably awkward as we remembered, thank you.

But this time, with TWO scoops of Rosie!

Yup.  Looks like Kathy Wakile‘s internet phenom sister has been bumped up to second string Housewife status this season.  She even got her own confessional interview shot, which was like a delightfully tasty surprise at the bottom of the box.

(That was not even a planned sexual innuendo.  I swear.  Sometimes I’m just unintentionally hilarious.  It’s a gift…and a curse.)

The last time we saw everyone together, it was back at The Borgata Hotel, Casino & Cat Fight Cage in Atlantic City during the bronziest (…is that even a word?…) Reunion Show evah.  Sprayed down and rolled up like  five of my best Toddlers & Tiaras girls, the Wives went a full 3 Rounds in the mud before an exhausted, and equally tanned,  Andy Cohen had to wave his blue cards in the air and call it a draw.

Thanks for coming, Ladies.  Here’s some lovely parting gifts.  Have a shotski, tip the waiter and slap the person next to you before you leave.

Flash forward to this week, and it has been over a year since Teresa has last seen brother Joe and Melissa.  Needless to say, it didn’t take quite that long for the Detective in me to figure out that things must not have smoothed themselves out much while I was over on Lifetime watching Dance Moms.

And I think it’s safe to say that I was correct in that assumption.

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We started out down at the Jersey Shore as everyone surveyed their Sandy-damaged summer homes.  Even NBC’s Brian Williams got to do a Man in the Field cameo in front of a pile of telephone poles which I’m sure was a highlight of his news career, if not a close second to that time he was on The Soup.

The devastation and tragic aftermath of Hurricane Sandy was just as poignant as it had been back when we first saw it unfold on The Weather Channel, though I’ll admit that having Teresa react to the battered coastline while teased up in full hair and makeup did take some of the emotional impact away from the homeless people aimlessly wandering around holding their toasters.

She remarked how sad it all was, and that if she had been in the house during the storm when the water poured in, she would have drowned-ed.

Like drowned.  But with an extra “-ed” at the end.  Cuz dat’s how she tawks in Joisey.

And only Melissa could drive through a meteorological war zone wearing a Latoya Jackson silver shoulder epaulette number and still come off as pretty sympathetic.

But they both meant well.

In all honesty, the Gorga house looked pretty much like it did during that last party when everyone trashed the pool and Rosie got all horned up, but Joe seemed to think it needed some new paint.  And he’s the contractor, so I’ll believe him this time.

We only saw the back of Kathy and Richie‘s heads as they drove around the beach community, so I don’t know if they were in full makeup or if Kathy was bandaged up from another 1,000 mile nose job tune-up.  They only rent, so the producers clearly didn’t think they warranted much screen time.

Back home in Jersey, Teresa gathered what appeared to be 45 of her daughters together to go through their closets and make a clothing donation for the Sandy survivors.

If I had time to go back and rewind the DVR, it was probably only the four kids we’ve seen every season.  The ones with all the rhyming names.  But now that they are growing up and getting snarkier, they seemed to be everywhere in every camera shot, either falling on the floor, sucker punching each other or climbing up on those chandeliers that Jabba Joe can’t really afford anymore.

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It’s like Bravo used some Star Wars CGI program or something and photoshopped a billion little Milanias and Begonias and Patagonias and Calzonias into one scene.

And at least one of them seems to have gone through that SuperFast Soap Opera aging thing that so many child actors go through in daytime television.  You know, when they get sent into the bedroom to play with their Legos while Mom and Dad have a talk and then come back out as teenagers during Sweeps Week.

(Hello…General Hospital.  Are you listening to me?)

Gia.  The one that looks like she could be a shrinky-dinked Kirstie Alley.  She’s now 11 going on 29 or something, and we can only pray that her height eventually catches up to her bad attitude.

Question:  Is 11 too young for me to call someone a spoiled little bitch?

Because if it is, I won’t.  I’d never bully a child.  That ain’t right.  If I have to wait until she comes back out of the bedroom, I will.  Then it’s Game On.

But, anyway.  The clothing donations.  Teresa had heard that the hurricane victims were in need of beautiful and glamorous clothes.

Hand to Gawd.  She said that.

So while Gia rolled her eyes around like one of those Cat Clocks you always see in Chinese restaurants and tiny Milania pined away for her cousin Antonia, everyone tossed something ruffled or sparkly into a pile and then Teresa bagged it all up for good karma.

Next time you see a little kid on the news walking down the Boardwalk dressed up like a Gypsy, you’ll know who to thank.

Over at Casa Gorga, Melissa and Joe were (…again…) lamenting the family dramz and trying to figure out how to get the little cousins all together for a play date.  Antonia had even handwritten a note to her cousin Milania (…spelled incorrectly, which would later come back to bite her on her baby butt…) asking to see her soon.  The whole thing was so wrong and so sad on so many levels.

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Unfortunately, it was also overshadowed by the visual of clunky, beefy Joe trying to delicately sip tea from a porcelain cup while eating biscotti.

Why yes, I do fancy another sip, Mum.  And how about those Giants?

Dude.  Please.  Man Up and have a protein shake straight from the GNC shaker before you lose your Membership Card.

Speaking of Manning Up…

Rosie.  We love her.  And watching her whine to Kathy and Mom about the lack of fish in the sea was a delight.

(Again…no innuendo.  Just hilarity.)

The only problem this time around was with the wardrobe department.  For realz.

When we first met Rosie, it was a revolving door of fashion do’s and don’ts.  Remember how she rocked that train conductor hat?  Or her plus-size Rhythm Nation back-up dancer outfit?  And who could forget those straight up East Village Kick You In The Nuts ensembles?  Instant classics.

After all that previous awesomeness, seeing her styled up this week like it was a cold night at an outdoor Paul Anka concert in Boca Raton was pretty disturbing.  Visually and emotionally.

Just Say No to neck scarves unless you’re Bea Arthur.  It’s a rule.

I don’t even remember what they talked about, but her Mom put her head in her hands at the same time I did.

While my eyes were still stinging, we headed back to Teresa’s, where Milania had just recieved the note from Antonia.

Yes, it was spelled incorrectly.  But they’re kids.  And it was redoinkulously precious.

Except Kirstie Alley didn’t think so, who made another Chinese restaurant face, cracked some wise a** remark and then headed to the garage to narc on the cousins to sweaty Jabba Joe in the middle of his heavy bag grunting.

Man, if she wasn’t 11 I would be all over that spoiled li……..

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Anyway.  Hoboken.

Caroline “Yoda” Manzo and hubby had recently rented an apartment in Hoboken as a test run for down-sizing.  Whereas most of us would just drop some premium channels from our cable bill to test living within a budget, the Manzos just spend more money on real estate.

Seems fair.

Caroline denied that she moved to Hoboken to be closer to Albie and Chris, who were noticeably MIA this week, even though the entire Free World knows what a Helicopter Mom she is when it comes to Family.

Family.  You don’t mess with them.  You don’t hurt them.  And you don’t let them out of your sight.  Ever.

Remember those matching bracelets she gave everyone for Christmas a few seasons ago?  The bracelets with the GPS chip in the clasp?

Yeah.  Mama sees you.

While the Manzo boys were off in Hoboken somewhere trying to chew off their own wrists, Teresa and Melissa were busy turning a simple play date into a ceremony for visiting dignitaries.

Seriously.  The Royal Wedding didn’t take this much pre-planning.  Texts.  More texts.

And then some more texts.

I literally thought I was watching an iPhone commercial until Jabba Joe called Melissa a Stank A** Bitch, and I didn’t think Steve Jobs would have let that one slip past him.

The next day, as Kirstie Alley led Teresa around by her credit card clutch strap through some TweenyBop Boutique in search of booty hugging skirts to impress her new playground boyfriend, the texting continued.  Except this time, Teresa got her daughter so involved in all the dysfunction that Gia finally snatched the iPhone from Mom and texted Aunt Melissa herself.  Gah, Mom.  You’re so lame.

That’s how you make sure you don’t involve the kids, I always say.

And did anyone else notice that Kirstie is only 11 years old and she was holding her Louis bag in the crook of her arm like an Olsen Twin?

Geezis.  Where’s my mocha grandé latte?  OMG.  Mom is driving me nuts lately.

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Finally, it was Play Date Day!

After all the texts, smack talk and a Secret Service pat down, Melissa came face to face with Teresa at some little Bead Shop where the girls got to make odd little springy things while the Aunts just sat and glared at each other across the craft table.

Awkward, much?

Melissa, being the Fashionista that she is, kept interjecting her opinions on the design aspects of the project until both girls got up and left the bead table.

Secretly, I had hoped that one of them would flip it like Teresa did that one time, but I don’t think they’re old enough to really know what a Prostitution Whore is, and c’mon…we all know that was the best part.

Milania came baring Giudice Gifts, of course, and presented Antonia with an iPod, which Melissa didn’t feel it was appropriate.  Teresa, on the other hand, did the same dance that a quarterback does by the goal post after they score.

Booyeah.  Aunt Teresa is on the board.

In case you’re wondering, Jacqueline was around this week, but just barely.  She did play with her son and listen to Caroline’s gossip, but that was pretty much it.  If it wasn’t the season premiere, she probably could have just taken this week off and chilled with the Manzo boys.

Finally, since Caroline didn’t want to get involved or have anything to do with Teresa anymore, she decided to get involved and get right in the middle of everything again.

I know, right?

So she took Joe Gorga out for pastries and a hug.

Don’t ask.  I’m not sure why she wasn’t texting Dina instead of sharing some pie with Melissa’s husband.

But she said she’d be willing to go talk to Teresa.  Again.  Even though she wasn’t sure how that would all go down.

And then I set my DVR on Season Pass.

Bring it.

Get psyched.  Jersey is back.

Right, Gia?

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