Dance Moms: It Was Two Girls, One Solo, Six Crazy Moms And A Couple Of Really Bad Hair Days. Math Is Hard.

June 11th, 2013

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My Slim-Fast Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. And they’re like…it’s better than yours.

 

 

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Seriously. I don’t even know why I showed up this week. What the Hell?

 

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Now remember, Ethel. We can’t let Ricky find out we tried to break into the Copacabana or we’ll have some ‘splaining to do.

 

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Hope you all got yourself some oven mitts, cuz you just got served a little sumthin’ too hot to handle, bitches.

 

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Umm. Hello. I think the technical term is “Suck It, Haters.”

 

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You know your kid looks like that Toy Story cowgirl that used to come with a Happy Meal, right?

 

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So can we all talk about how much this whole judging thing totally blows big chunks?

 

 

 

And here we go again.

Another week of Dance Moms drama.

This week, the ribbons were Pink and the homeland security threat level down to Orange, thanks in part to Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her cry baby Mantourage having already scurried back to Ohio with their cow tails between their legs after being spanked at the last competition.

With Cathy safely behind enemy lines inside the Evil Dance Lair known as Candy Apples, you’d think that Abby and the Moms would have a chance to catch their breath…but no such luck.

Celebration boogie on the other hand?  There’s always time for that.

At least for Abby, who was seated at the front desk poppin’ and lockin’ like a mime in a box as the Moms all filed in for this week’s assignments.

We don’t see Ms. Miller in a good mood very often, so it was a little disturbing to witness.

Shimmy Shimmy Coco Puff disturbing.

She reminded me of that crazy lady you always see on the cross-town bus who never blends her cheek blush into her face.  The one who sings and seat-dances for the entire trip and then only when the driver lowers the front door to let her out in front of Marshall’s do you realize that there’s not even an iPod attached to her ear buds.

That lady.

Clearly, Abby loves her Fifty-Cent.  So much so that I have to pause and thank whoever had the production foresight to keep her behind the front desk barrier, because you know she was totally wearing a pair of low rider Lane Bryant gangstah shorts and flashing way too much granny pantie for a show that airs before 10pm.

Abby’s in the house, yo.  Can I get a whoop whoop whoopie pie?

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Boom.  And then Kristie with a K returned.  Love.  Her.

Sassy Mama JLo was back, all styling in another one of her signature Sassy outfits with SassyPants Asia by her side being all Sassy & Stuff.

Asia had been MIA during last week’s two hour sobbing extravaganza due to television and magazine gigs on the West Coast.  Because she’s Sassy like dat.

But they were back now, and tiny Mackenzie almost swallowed her Jawbreaker candy when she saw Asia bust through the studio door.  Sorry Mackadoodle, but it’s gonna take a lot more than grease pencil freckles to keep up with that firecracker.

But first, the Pyramid of Shame.

You can tell even Abby is starting to regret coming up with this concept because she pretty much raced through the results like the building was on fire.

Bottom row was full of Asia, Nia, Kendall and Paige.  There didn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to their positioning other than the fact that they weren’t Chloe or Maddie.  So deal.

The Mezzaine level was reserved seating for MackaSmacka and the aforementioned Chloe and Maddie.

And you might want to tighten those weaves and hold onto your hats, because Sad Sack Brooke Hyland was on the top of the pile.  Freakin’.  Finally.

As you’ll recall, last week Brooke had been bumped up to the Senior Dance Team and had actually gotten to perform with someone who wasn’t wearing orthodontics.

That alone was probably what got her top billing.  But, whatever.  Take the prize and run like the wind, honey.

This week the ALDC was headed to Ft. Wayne, Indiana for yet another PowerHouse Dance Competition.  So more of my favorite disco strobe light towers and projection screen backdrops that are impossible to read without night vision goggles.

Seriously, people.  Get it together.

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The group routine was going to be an emotionally charged dance called Living With The Ribbon.  Since it was all about cancer, and this was Lifetime TV, you knew that at some point there would be lots of tears and loads of that background piano music they always use in Jane Seymour movies.

But everyone of us has been touched by cancer somehow, so it’s no joking matter.  The studio got pretty quiet, and Melissa cried.

Chloe and Maddie scored solos, as well as MackYak and Asia, and you could already smell some kind of preplanned competition brewing between the pairs.  You could also smell grape or cherry, but I think that was still coming from the remnants of Mackenzie’s Jawbreaker.  She’s going to have to wear those braces until she’s 43 if she doesn’t knock it off.

As the Moms hit the MomPerch to get Kristie up to speed, the girls got to rehearsing the group number for the first time.

The routine was basically Brooke all tangled up in a mile of elastic ribbon, doing all her usual Cirque du Soleil flips while the rest of the girls symbolically tugged on her survival lifeline.  It was pretty impressive.

And since it’s cancer, jokes are still off limits even though I’m dying to say something about that huge piece of elastic probably coming from a pair of Abby’s Denim & Co pull on jeans.

The ones from QVC.

I won’t ruin the moment.  But really, how cool are pants that you can pull almost all the way up to your arm pits in case you forget to put on a bra before you leave the house?  I mean, c’mon.  Genius.

Up in the MomPerch, it didn’t take JLo long to figure out that Holly was sitting in the wrong place on the couch.  I guess there’s assigned seating or something.  Maybe there’s stickers on the cushions.  I try not to stare at their butts.

The whole ongoing Christi vs. Kelly throw down was rehashed again and JLo couldn’t believe all the dramz.  You now she kinda wanted to smack Christi around a little just to pretend it was in support of Kelly.  Old habits and all.  Let’s do this!

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Other than being one of those Academy Awards seat fillers who plop themselves down when Gwyneth Paltrow goes up on stage to snag an Oscar, Holly didn’t really have much to do this week.  She should have just Skyped the whole thing in and caught up on her stories.

Through the process of elimination, Jill and Christi were now temporary BFFS and headed downstairs to do something or other while the rest of the Moms stayed on the Holodeck.

Back in the studio, Abby unveiled her latest Master Plan.

Chloe and Maddie would be performing the same dance.  In the same outfit.  To the same music.  At the same competition.  OMG.  Twinsies.

Christi had spent the last 2 1/2 seasons complaining about an uneven playing field between the girls.  So take that, lady.

As for the Asia vs. MackSplat face-off, I was thinking that Asia would do something sassy and that the other one would do some dance that required pigtails again.

And sure enough, MackaWhackaHiDeeHo was given another spunky western number while Asia busted out moves that you usually only see after someone drops Ecstasy in your cocktail.

Gah.  Love me some Asia.

JLo left the MomPerch long enough to go check on Asia’s booty pop, which required that she remove her LA stilettos and prove what I knew all along:  Bitch has Barbie Feet.

You know what I’m talking about.  Those feet that stay in high heel position even when you take her shoes off.  I swear.  It was right there on the television screen.

I bet if you push on her stomach you can pull her pony tail and make it longer.

The next day, Lucy and Ethel…I mean Christi and Jill…were certain that Maddie and her sibling were receiving extra help on their routines when no one was looking, and decided to go into full on Ninja Mode to capture cell phone footage of the crime.

But they put designer sunglasses on first.  Because that way no one would ever suspect an SUV with an I Heart Dance bumper sticker of any criminal activity.

Seriously.  Those two.

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Mark my words.  By the end of this season if one of one of them doesn’t have a giant vase stuck on her head I’ll buy you lunch.  And pay the tip.

After dropping Jill down through the sky light on a bungee cord, they got their shot, squealed out of the parking lot and headed to Kohl’s before anyone knew what had happened.

They also lost a rim, Jill hit her head on the dashboard and Christi’s tail pipe is now secured to the under chassis with a coat hanger.

Seriously.  WTF? Will somebody PLEASE flat top that parking lot and fill in those potholes?  I’ll bet there hasn’t been one day when some kid didn’t sprain their ankle falling into one of those sinkholes.

Once all the Moms were safely back inside that evening, Abby pulled one last sorority prank and forced Christi and Kelly to go down into the bathroom and Rit dye that gigantic elastic band breast cancer pink.

It kinda looked like a season ending cliffhanger with Christi washing blood off her hands until I saw Kelly and knew she was still alive.  False alarm.

Then everyone had one last good cry before the competition.  Abby gathered Moms and kids together and they all lost it a little as they remembered those who have been touched by cancer.

Even SassyPants Asia got choked up remembering her Dad’s dog Diego.  It was a moment of unintentional comic relief that made you realize that even though she can Save A Horse And Ride A Cowboy like a diva bitch, she’s still really only 7 years old.

Just wanna squeeze those cheeks.

Finally, it was Showtime!

I’m going to pretend I didn’t see Maddie giving herself bronzer cleavage and just move on to the good stuff.

Sure enough, MackTicTac was once again dressed like one of those cowboy rag dolls that nobody ever buys at a church rummage sale.  With cowboy rag doll freckles, of course.  And cowboy spunk fo’ days.

Again?  If it’s not a clown or a lemon or a bumble bee, it’s a cowboy.  Even JLo noted that cute don’t last forevah, girlfriend and it might be time to hooch it up a little.

Granted, she’s still a little kid, but if Mom doesn’t break this habit pretty soon, Mack is about six months away from growing up to be that spinster HR lady at your office who wears holiday socks and earrings shaped like Christmas presents starting the day after Thanksgiving.

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Yeah…you.  You know who I’m talking about.

Asia werked and twerked it all over the stage again, but got busted for lip synching the entire song.  If it’s good enough for Beyoncé at the White House, I don’t really think it’s the end of the world in a high school auditorium.  But Abby’s the boss.

Chloe and Maddie did their matching solos, and when I walked away and came back I thought it was still the same person dancing.

The group routine was a big hit, and everyone cried again.  It even made Christi want to hug Kelly.  At least this week, all the crying made sense.  Last week everyone was just being drama queens.  Especially those pussy Dads.

Then some kids won some stuff.

The only uncomfortable moment came when Chloe won First Place, which knocked Maddie down to Second.  Which is the first loser, remember?

Backstage it was predictable chaos with Maddie fake smiling and congratulating Chloe like they do at the end of every Miss America pageant until Mr. Emcee came in and announced that none of the judges could do math and Maddie was the winner after all.

Psych!  Gimme that crown, bitch.

Can we all just take a moment and have one big group hug for Chloe, who walked over and handed off her trophy to Maddie like one of those street urchin kids in a 1940’s musical giving up a lost puppy to it’s original owner?

Everyone:  How could this happen?  Abyy:  I dunno.  No idea.  Wasn’t me.

Probably not the best time for Mr. Emcee to walk back in a second time and thank Abby for “bringing the error to their attention.”

Uh Oh Spaghetti-O’s.

Awkward.  Even a PowerHouse judge could probably do that math.

Busted.

This is gonna get uglier than freckles on a cowboy, I tell you.

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The Real Housewives Of New Jersey: Old Friendships And New Bathroom Sinks Crumble. It’s A Jersey Quickie.

June 11th, 2013

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Life is hard.

I know you’re busy.

And sometimes there is barely enough time to catch up on all the Garden State Goodness that is Real Housewives of New Jersey, much less read all the hilarity I keep sending your way.

Once in awhile you might actually even…I don’t know…have to work while you’re at work, and not have the luxury of spending hours slowing down the company’s internet speed trying to catch up on all the crazy shizzle that is going down between the Gorgas and the Giudices.  One step forward, two steps back as they say.

I feel your pain.  And your anguish.

But fear not, Bravoholics.

Relive the latest episode at Warp Speed.  No filler.  No fluff.  Just the meaty portions.

From all 47 of Teresa‘s girls blowing their nutties in the kitchen to Melissa trying to sell a house with a broken bathroom sink that isn’t even connected to any actual plumbing…it’s all there.  Everything you saw.  Or thought you saw.

You’ll witness Caroline‘s sister Fran‘s mentally dinged up chihuahua who smells like Fritos (…the dog, not the sister…) as well as Joe Gorga and Chris Laurita playing an uncomfortably manly game of pool that luckily ended before any real man-on-man 8 ball corner pocket action kicked into overdrive.

Even the Pride of the Golden Girls Pride Parade Rosie Pierri is there in her best Boca Raton daywear, talking nasty talk during a No Girls Allowed poker night.

You’ll see Richie Wakile being a total dufus at daughter Victoria‘s nursing school and share in the touching breakthrough moment between Jacqueline and her autistic son Nicholas.  Get your hankies ready.

And of course, there’s also Caroline proving that she really meant it this time at last year’s Reunion Show when she said she would never speak to Teresa again.

Because she totally talked to her again, in an oddly evacuated ghost town of a restaurant that got enough free on-screen advertising to recoup any loses from Hurricane Sandy.  We get it.  It’s the Ho-Ho-Kus Inn & Tavern.

(Spoiler Alert:  No table flip.  I really miss the old Prostitution Whore Days.)

And you get to see it all in under 2 minutes.

I give you the New Jersey Quickie.

Trust me.  It’s everything that trashy girl down at the Mall said it would be.

Enjoy.

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Toddlers & Tiaras: It’s Boogie Shoes And Performance Enhancing Pixie Stix When Bailey’s Pageants Goes Disco.

June 7th, 2013

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Shut Up with these sick shoes. I am so totally wearing them to the next Real Housewives of Texas Reunion Show.

 

 

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Hand to Gawd. It’s only sweet tea, soda, pixie stix and that stuff they give to greyhounds before the race starts.

 

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Bitch, please.

 

 

 

 

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Oh yeah. Dat’s what I’m talkin’ about. Who’s yer Daddy? These’ll make you spit your cupcakes out, ladies. Pow. Pow.

 

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Srsly. Is it just me, or does that man with the Popeye arms smell like baby oil and Axe sport spray?

 

 

 

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Ok. Don’t tell JD, but I tried that Tinker Tea and that s*** is off the hook. My hair was straight when I woke up this morning.

 

 

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Whatchoo lookin’ at? Hell, yeah I’m drinking straight sugar out of a sippy cup. Maybe you should just find your seat, cuz it’s Go Time.

 

 

 

 

Umm…yeah.

So Toddlers & Tiaras is back.

Is there a problem?  Cuz if there is, maybe we should just take this outside and settle it.

Or maybe over there by the weight bench, and see who can max out on tricep dips.

Gold’s Gym or Bailey’s Pageants.  What’s it gonna be, you little pussy?

Whoa.

Sorry.  Didn’t mean to get so aggressive.  Apparently I’m still coming down from either Roid Rage or Pixie Pump, because this week’s premiere was definitely jacked up on sumthin.  Biceps and Booties were literally poppin’ up and out everywhere you looked.

And except for the sudden crash after the closing credits, you know I love me some Toddlers & Tiaras.  Not to mention platform shoes.  And Tonya Bailey.

So when Bailey’s Pageants put ’em all together for the Disco Fever Pageant…it was an incurable case of Boogie Fever.

Pageant Director Tonya got the disco ball rolling by explaining how this whole extravaganza was gonna go down.  And it was gonna go down hard.

The pageant was full Glitz, and if you don’t know what that means by now, there’s really not much I can offer you this late in the game.  Sparkle and Tans and Big Hair and Glitter and Confetti and Laser Tag and who knows what else.  Just make it Glitz.

Tonya always gets really excited over her pageants.  Like wide eyed excited, which is how you should get if you just spent all that money on Ramada security.  And this time, since she wasn’t wearing her signature Swarovski crystal pirate eye patch, you could really see her enthusiasm.

Sometimes she reminds me of a long lost friend who is so excited to see you that she forgets to blink, and other times I flash back to the look your Mom gave you when she first found that Playboy magazine under your mattress.  Hypothetically, of course.

But either way, Tonya was excited to be getting her disco down.

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Not only is Tonya big on eyes, but she’s also big on props.  And this time it was a Studio 54 Jimmy Choo stiletto.  Thank you Disco, for this shoe…which…umm…ok.

It was really more the kind of shoe that you’d thank your pimp for, but whatever…she’s paying.  She can thank the Academy if she wants to.  She’s Tonya.

The Grand Supreme deep dish winner this week was going home with…well…with basically a second summer home, I guess.  A ginormous (…say it with me…) $15,000 toy house from Lilliput Play Homes, and the thing was massive.

One:  Tonya.  Honey.  Where the hell are you supposed to put that monster?  You tell me half the Moms weren’t throwing the score just so they didn’t have to tear down the garage to make room for that thing.  I couldn’t afford the property taxes, much less the zoning ordinance fees.

Two:  Props to the dude from Lilliput Play Homes who had to walk around in public with a button down shirt that said Lilliput Play Homes on it and not get beat up on the playground.

Our first little princess was 2 year old Alexa and Mom Tori.  Seriously cute.

She had the kind of face you just wanted to squish it was so cute.  But you’d have to catch her first.  And good luck with that, because Mom puts Super Premium in her tank.

Alexa drinks coffee.  Just one cup a day, though.  Since she was 9 months old.

That’s right.  I didn’t even know what my own toes were used for when I was 9 months old, but apparently Alexa knows how to place an order at Starbucks.  Mom said one cup was not an abundancy, which rhymes with redundancy…and neither word makes sense.

Clearly, through the magic of television editing, it looked like Alexa slugged it down from morning to night, with no caffeinated nap time in the middle.  But if that was the case, we’d be trying to track her down on America’s Most Wanted or she’d be running the Olympics next to Usain Bolt, and neither of those things happened during the episode.

But Mom clearly loved her daughter, and that’s always the most important thing if I’m gonna sit through all this crazy every week.  All the parents did.  And supporting your kids is key.  You heard it here first.

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Alexa also talked in the best baby gibberish.  Evah.  And it needs to be my new outgoing voice mail message immediately.  Sorry I can’t come to the play in the water look so listen no I don’t…..unicorn.  Beep.

I have no idea what she said for most of the show, and it usually had nothing to do with the subject at hand or the questions she was asked.  But who cares?  When TLC waves the white flag and doesn’t even try to subtitle her ramblings ten minutes into the show, then you know it’s good stuff.  Did I mention cute?

Down the road a bit they were a little more focused, thanks to protein shakes, ginseng and grilled chicken with the skin off.

Between reps in her Fisher Price gym, we met 4 year old Brooke, Stepmom Linda and Dad Lou Ferrigno, better known as JD.

Dad liked to Pump.  It.  Up.

He was a competitive bodybuilder who only believed in extreme lifting, extreme healthy eating and those extreme animal print MC Hammer pants that they all wear down at Mike’s Gym.

Granted, we never actually saw him rocking any Zubaz (…please tell me that someone else remembers those…) but you know he totally had a pair in the closet hidden behind a FedEx box from BodyBuilding.com.  Linda was a fitness model and Brooke got Muscle Milk if she didn’t mess up her practice sessions.  Booyeah.

JD pretty much sealed his fate in the pageant world by blatantly making fun of thick girls and Honey Boo Boo‘s Mom before reenacting the opening sequence of a He-Man cartoon.  It wasn’t pretty.  And he swore that he didn’t like to judge people.  But when your biceps are bigger than your head, I guess you sometimes say things that really piss off everyone in line at Walmart.

The last contestant this week was sassy 3 year old Janeyah and Mom #1 Toya and Mom #2 Naye Naye.

I know, right?  Two Moms.  Dos Mamás.  How progressive.

They totally looked like they should be sharing the middle box in Hollywood Squares back in the day, like those two whacky ladies from 227 or something.

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(OMG.  If your favorite show right now is Bunheads, you may have to Google it to get that last joke.  But trust me…a long time ago, in a galaxy far away, there were non-HD sitcoms.  I swear.  And you couldn’t watch them online.)

Mom and Mom were like VH1 meets BET meets LOGO TV.  And they were a hoot.

Janeyah (…JaNEIGHaah…not Jane-Yeah like some internet doofs were saying after the show…) was diva sassy sassy diva all the way.  She kept saying “Spread Your Leg Out” which had something to do with disco I assumed, but it reminded me too much of NeNe Leakes telling Kim Zolciak to “Close Your Legs To Married Men” on one of the Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion Shows, and before you knew it the whole NeNe vs. Naye Naye thang got me so confused I had to walk away for a second.

Mom 1.0 had Type 2 Diabetes and tried to pay attention to what Janeyah ate so she didn’t overdo the sugar intake, which was a smart move.  Just a thought, but she might want to avoid any future play dates with Alexa just to be safe.  I’m sure that JD, on the other hand, would be more than happy to have GiGi (…why isn’t it JayJay?…) come over and learn how to use his Montel Williams juicer.  Or she could join them at the roller disco, because that totally happened before the pageant.

Speaking of Alexa.  After she had drained her Box o’ Joe, Mom whipped up another special cocktail to get her through some mid-day pageant rehearsing.

Go-Go Juice is so 2012, people.  It’s all about the Tinker Tea now.  Soda, sweet tea and a 12 pixie stix shooter.

BOOM goes the dynamite.

Alexa tore through Amber Tatum‘s dance studio like Speedy Gonzales in a hair bow until somebody suddenly hit the Pause button on her DVR and she just stopped moving.

NASA calls it a crash & burn, I believe.

Amber said working with Alexa while she was tanked up on TT was like trying to put two cats in a bag, which I thought was a little goofy, since I don’t think putting one in a bag would be any easier.  Two cats would be a bit of an abundancy, don’t you think?

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The other little princesses also worked on their routines a bit, but nothing too jaw dropping hit the screen other than Janeyah singing “We’re going to the pageant” so many times that I thought Mom 2.0 was going to tape her up inside that giant box they were gift wrapping for the stage.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Tonya showed us the difference between a fake smile and a real smile, which turned out to be no difference, and then we got down to disco bidnez.

(Side note:  I was oddly fascinated by those gigantic sparkly crowns that had a little disco ball dingle dangling in the middle like a Charlie Brown tree.  I kinda need one, for some reason.  And I have a huge head, so they may have finally found someone who fits into those things.)

My boy Todd Bailey was back as emcee.  Still looking like the lost Backstreet Boy with those frosted tips, he’s my new spotter at the gym.  He just doesn’t know it yet.

Not gonna lie…now that I know he’s actually Tonya’s husband and not some  young lover that she picked up in the hair care aisle on Cougar Double Coupon Day, I’m a little bummed.  In my head it was such a great story that I may still use it anyway.  She could be lying, right?

Alexa looked like Kellie Pickler sucking down Tinker Tea at the CMAs.  Her one-on-one interview spots pretty much gave me life.

Janeyah brought her “A” Game and had some pretty sassy Showtime at the Apollo hair going on up there.  She froze on stage for a second in the Beauty part, but the two Hollywood Squares ladies snapped her out of it pretty quickly.

Brooke was really dragging.  And crying.  And since JD had banned all unnatural pixie stix from their medicine cabinet, he and Linda scooted her into the ladies room (…ie…out of sight from what must have been a male camera guy…) and pumped her full of a mystery beverage that looked a lot like Red Bull on a foggy day.  At first I thought it was just my eyes glassing over from all the aerosol and glitter at the hotel, but then I realized that they blurred out the label.  But it was Red Bull.

Go read the online stories about Red Bull.  Something about Vietnam and heads bursting off at the neck or something.  I’ll stick with my Tinker Tea, thanks.

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The Disco Wear portion was exactly what we’ve all come to expect from the Disco Wear portions.  Except for JD, who jumped up on stage to assist Brooke in her routine.

Wearing nothing but an afro wig and Under Armour man panties, he flexed and did pushups and basically forgot that it was supposed to be Brooke’s day to shine.  I didn’t think it was possible, but somehow Tonya’s eyes got even bigger, and one lady in the audience fell out of her banquet chair.

Maybe it was just me, but with that nappy ‘fro and that roll-on, spray-on tan that they use for body building shows, he almost looked like Al Jolsen on steroids.  Am I right?

Pageant Mammy, how I love you.

It’s 2013.  I don’t know if I’d be taking that act on the road anytime soon, dude.

Brooke’s real Mom Vanessa showed up to watch her daughter compete, and after the musclepalooza she pretty much let the world know she thought her ex-husband was a Dbag.  She didn’t come right out and say it, but when a person swallows their gum, rolls their eyes and then says that “Yeah…he’s…umm…he’s something alright” you pretty much know she de-friended him on Facebook and threw out the two pair of lifting gloves that he left at her place.

Everyone did their thing.  And then some kids won some stuff.

None of the three tiny tots won that summer home.  They were all bummed.  But it is what it is, so build a pillow fort like the rest of us and get over it.

What really mattered was that waaaay in the background during the crowning flashmob was crazy Jessica McClamroch and all her crazy Mom hair and baby Ava.

Hey, Girlfriend.  Nice herrrrr!

Yup.  Toddlers & Tiaras is back.

Wednesdays.  9pm.

And Tinker Tea and crumpets at noon, of course.  Cuz we’re klassy like dat.

Sparkle, baby.

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