Dance Moms: Ease On Down, Girl! It’s Finally Brynn’s Big Moment…So You Know We’re Not In PA Anymore, Toto.

March 23rd, 2016

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OMG. They’re all literally looking at me like nobody’s ever seen anyone with a brain before.

 

 

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Hate to burst your bubble, ladies, but I’m a big girl now. I don’t need anyone babysitting me.

 

 

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I’m telling you, she either gets outta my face right now or I’m dropping a house on her so hard…

 

 

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All you have to do is sickle your lazy feet three times and say ‘Get me the hell back to Pittsburgh.’

 

nia

 

 

 

It totally sucks. But remember when it’s all over…the Lion ends up being King of the Forest, ‘kay?

 

 

oz

 

 

Sorry, Dorothy, but I got nothing in my bag of tricks that can fix this mess. You’re on your own.

 

 

kg1

 

 

I probably shouldn’t have thrown that milk bottle, because now I can’t get the baby to stop crying.

 

 

 

 

Toto?

What the–?

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I don’t think we’re in Pennsylvania anymore.

Actually…61b44114-ef7a-4d9c-a697-65df09334cd6

a4

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Never mind.  I know we’re not.

Because this place is even crazier than Pittsburgh on a good day.

Dat’s rite, Dorothy.  Dance Moms went Over The Rainbow and straight into rush hour traffic this week with an episode full of guest stars, returning favorites and enough Mama Drama to send anyone screaming back to Kansas.

So let’s do this, shall we?

As the team pulled up into the ALDC LA parking lot to start the show, everyone was jumping up and down with excitement to see that new Mom Kira had finally returned to the studio after 3 months of maternity leave.

Everyone except Ashlee, of course, who was more like…

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…but without the cocktail, because it was still early.

After spending the last 12 weeks at home with her ridiculously cute newborn baby boy Jett (…Spoiler Alert:  While Melissa may or may not have been happily keeping an eye on Kalani for free…) Kira was back at the ALDC, despite vowing to never return as long as Ashlee remained on the premises.

But Kira was back.  Because her kid wanted to be there.

Which…FYI…is a line that every Dance Mom is contractually obligated to utter at least once a season, along with “I’m Done!” and “I swear Abby has lost her damn mind.”

True Fact:  I’ve read the fine print.  It’s in there.

Even Abby Lee Miller appeared happy to see Kira arrive as she ran out to greet the new Mom, bearing a gift bag that appeared to be just random giraffe parts shrink-wrapped up the same way Macy’s does their cosmetic sets on the weekend before Mother’s Day.

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Not to be gross, but it looked exactly like a baby giraffe does when it’s born, right before it drops out and the water sac breaks.  Am I right?

Maybe it’s an LA Thing.

Regardless, that kid’s gonna be in his second year of Law School before Kira gets all those stuffed animals untangled.  But it’s the thought that counts, I guess.

So thank you, Miss Abby.  XO

My MomCrush Jill was exceptionally happy to see Kira show up, because if Kira could bully Ashlee a little bit…more power to her.

Side note:  I don’t know what editors Jill pissed off this season, but they aren’t cutting her any slack.  Lawd.  And I know what the haters are gonna say…so please don’t bother.

There’s chatrooms for that kind of stuff, thank you.

I love all the Moms, so let’s keep it fun in here.

j

Plus we need to talk about how long Jill’s nails are now, anyway.  No wonder she can’t use an ATM or pick up the phone and answer my stalker calls.

Inside the studio, Abby got right to the Pyramid of Shame.  It was going to be a busy week, so there was no time to waste chit chatting and screaming.

And speaking of Pyramids.  It was backwards.

I know, right?  Stop the Madness.

Abby started at the top.  And the top row was even a 2-fer this week.  I don’t think they’ve ever done that before, have they?  Do we even want to live in a world where nothing makes sense anymore?

The Z-Team, Maddie and Mackenzie, topped the charts.  Maddie’s solo had taken First Place at last week’s competition, so her spot was a given.  And while MackZ was MIA in PA, she had beaten out 200 girls for a scholarship to who knows where.  Scholarships always make me think of Harvard, so I’m going to say that she got a full scholarship to Harvard University’s Gymnastic Program and leave it at that.

Side note:  Macka-Whacka didn’t make this #MackFace until the very last second of the episode, but it’s way too good to waste.  What The What?

mkz If you look real close, her eyeballs are actually on bouncy springs.

The Middle Row of the Pyramid was full of Nia, Kendall, Brynn and Kalani.  Which left JoJo all by herself at the Bottom, because Abby ran out of kids.

jj

Q.  Is her head shrinking again or are the bows still getting bigger?

This week, the gang was headed to Xpression Dance Competition, where they’d be competing in not one…but TWO…trio performances.

Seven kids.  Two trios.

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Jill did some quick calculations (…in that exact same outfit, BTW…) and realized that one girl was going to be left out of the mix, which led to THE most uncomfortable round of team picking since we had dodgeball tryouts in my 8th grade gym class.

Brynn and Maddie were chosen as captains.  If Brynn’s team won, she would finally get to become a legit member of the ALDC.  If they lost, who knows.

TeamBrynn:  Kalani and Mackenzie.

TeamMaddie:  Kendall and JoJo.

TeamHollyFace:

h

And…
h1

And…h2Look at that vein in her neck.

Granted, you can’t protect your child from everything.  We know that.  But that didn’t make it any easier when Nia was left standing all by herself, surrounded by friends she had known for the last 12 years while some newbie transfer from another school came in and apple-picked all her favorite dancers.

Side note:  It all works out in the end, Sasha.  Don’t you worry.  Trust me, all those dumb jocks who didn’t pick me in dodgeball are regretting their decisions now while they’re out there in the cold pumping gas and I’m home in my onesie writing a Dance Moms blog.

6357269629384875472021991232_dodge2 tumblr_mu0s4wSaE21rpz385o1_400I swear that sounded way more motivational in my head.

#TeamNia.  #NiaNation.  #JuniorHighIssues.  #MovingOn.

Luckily, Nia would get to participate in the group dance, tho.  And it was a big production.

As in:  Commercial Production.

Turns out Abby was using a huge chunk of the week’s rehearsal time to create an elaborate Wizard of Oz-themed ‘Web Commercial’ for the ALDC, to help drive business into her new studio.

Which I guess meant that the only benefit she was seeing from those gigantic window banners they installed last week was a reduction in sun glare during the late afternoon.

And then the ‘Web Commercial’ would somehow be stretched into a group dance for the competition this weekend.  Ok.

Don’t Ask Dept.:  No clue what a ‘Web Commercial’ is, unless it’s that thing you skip after 3 seconds when you’re trying to watch a youtube video.  I’m not sure.

You should probably ask a viral video youtube star.

Like…I dunno…Todrick Hall maybe?

Boom.

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Yaaaaas!  That’s rite, ToddBalls!  Todrick Hall was in the hizzle to direct the commercial!

You know Todrick.  Or you should.

There’s only one of him, tho…not four…even tho the world would probably be a happier place if there were.  But he’s only one guy from American Idol and youtube and Target and about a gazillion Disney-related whatevahs.  He’s an amazing video producer and performed with the ALDC on that ‘Freaks Like Me’ song wearing Mickey Mouse hands.

You can even check out my all-time favorite Beauty and The Beat’ right here.

And don’t say I didn’t tell you so way back when.

Trivia Night:  Todrick also likes to wear LA zip codes on his head and do back flips a lot.

So there’s that, I guess.

tumblr_o4gj4xwr1X1tb8iyko1_500The next day, it just got weird.

Abby took Melissa shopping for Wizard of Oz clothes (…wherever one goes to find that kind of thing…) which left the rest of the Moms unchaperoned and ready to chew on each other’s necks.

I don’t even know how it started, but all of the sudden everyone was pig piled on top of each other on the MomBleachers and screaming and swearing and accusing each other of everything but war crimes.

Jill said Kira used Melissa for free babysitting.  Jessalynn said Kira called Melissa a bad person.  Kira defended staying at home so her new baby didn’t starve while some of the Moms may or may not have tried to make her feel like she abandoned Kalani.

Side note:  I love this show.  And I love editing.  The Perfect Storm.

Because this happened.

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And then Jessalynn told Kira she wasn’t the most brightest person in the room.

635770204990473151-1965721270_tumblr_inline_nry1ueH2fM1s2wbut_500She said that.  Not the most brightest.  I loved Jess in her PJs last week.

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And this happened, I think.  I forget.  j1And then this happened.k4And then Kira did this, but it was plastic.giphy-1(1)Which made Holly do this.
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And then this.  Or maybe it was the other way around.h6And then Kira cried and Jess got up and left and was suddenly sitting back down again.

I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

bill-haverchuck-freaks-and-geeks

Bonus Points:  For Holly when she snarked about Abby being out of the building again.

“Why even show up?  Oh, that’s right.  Because you live here.”

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoa#AndScene.

Thankfully, the next day came around fast and we got some relief with the filming of the ‘Web Commercial.’  And let me tell you that thing went up in the Twister and landed smack down in the middle of CrazyTown so fast I dunno what happened.

While Abby was getting her makeup done…

9b61ca548458f77b36a65baaeb90fbee…the rest of the girls were busy getting into character.

There was a Scarecrow, a Good Witch and a Cowardly Diva Lion.

kn2A sassy Tin Man and fierce Wicked Witch.jkkAnd even Toto, too.

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Which is actually the iconic Mouse Dance and the perfect opportunity to prove my point that…20 years later…we’re still dressing Mackenzie Boo like she’s in her first school play.

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As was expected, Abby tried to take over the production a number of times.  That’s kind of her thing, you know.  And now Todrick knows it.

thLook at Kendall.  Werk It, Witch.
kkThis is totally how I lay on my desk when I finish up all my paperwork early.  Fire me.

wwSup?

31Did I forget to mention the part when Abby went out into the middle of the street during rush hour to stop cars so all these young children could dance in the middle of LA Freeway traffic just to pimp out her studio?  I might have.

Because that totally happened.

But the Moms weren’t having it, no matter how much Abby insisted.  Sometimes, as a parent, you have to draw the line.  Especially when it’s dotted.  And yellow.

And bumper to bumper.

So, yeah.  That didn’t happen.  But we did get to see Abby lose another screw in her head, which was fun.  And the production seemed to go well, even though the whole thing felt more like an auto showroom commercial than a dance studio.

Come on down to the ALDC!  Our prices are INSANE!

carsalesFinally, it was Showtime!

And almost out-of-time because we spent so much time screwing around with funny pictures this week.  But it was worth it, right?

For some reason, the trios were last, so first up we got to witness what was basically a 30 second spot for the ALDC run 4X to fill the time requirements of a group dance.

tumblr_o4gjaidp2e1tb8iyko1_500Ease On Down that Santa Monica Blvd., kiddos.

Both trios went really well…tumblr_mb7dk00c4j1rdutw3o1_400

tumblr_mchh46bEAs1r28h5so1_500 …even tho Maddie fell out of a turn early and now the Apocalypse is upon us.

Look at how cute Brynn is.

b1Always the team player, Nia was there to support the other girls, even though they technically boned her a little bit in the first quarter of the game.

But she’s good like that.   And mature.  And raised right.

And she got to flat iron her hair like a Boss while they were all stressing out.  So #WIN.

nhWhen it was all over, the group somehow managed to slip the price of ALDC tuition into their music about 27 times and then slipped away with First Place.

Even Holly was all like…

h4And then Brynn’s trio beat out Maddie’s trio and now Armageddon is also upon us.

#TURNGATE?  We’ll never know.

So that meant that Brynn finally got her ALDC logo jacket and even got to wear it for a hot minute before Ashlee and Jill and a couple random strangers in the front lobby all started screaming about a set up and a rigged dance competition.

Turns out that the emcee had not only worn a stunning chapeau, but also announced the wrong NUMBERS while awarding the titles to the correct TRIOS.  Still with me?

Don’t worry about it.

Ashlee cried.  Brynn cried.  Jill kept looking at Abby’s phone even though she said the photo of the score sheets on Abby’s phone didn’t mean anything to her at all.

Kendall told Jill that Ashlee said the other Moms were mean to Brynn.  Everything was crazy and everything I just reported may have been out of sequence.

And then Ashlee took off, momentarily leaving Brynn just standing there while Melissa got all like OhHellNah I’m Not Doing Free Babysitting Again.

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Then it was over.

And I’m outta here.

I gotta lay down.  This show wore me out this week.

See ya down the road a bit.

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Dance Moms: Wassup With All These Maddie Rumors? Inquiring Minds Want To Know…She Staying Or She Going?

March 16th, 2016

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I know it’s very last minute, but I found you this furry thing and even one of the Jonas Brothers.

 

 

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I’m telling you right now…that kid is not going to the Award Show wearing my favorite furry vest.

 

 

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OMG. I’m like 11 years old. Why don’t they just glue eyes on this thing and shoot me now?

 

 

kkh

 

 

 

 

#JustStop

 

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It’s like they’re all looking at me right now. I can’t even remember what we’re talking about.

 

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I paid extra to have my name engraved, but it was worth it. Purell your hands before you touch it.

 

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And make sure to give them all Face like “Bitch, I know you’re jealous of my Eyeball Jacket.”

 

 

 

Drumroll.

The envelope, please.

And the Award for the most Mama Drama goes to…

Psych.

I don’t wanna spoil it for you.

You’ll figure it out on your own soon enough, tho.  Trust me.

But first, we need to get you ready for something fancy.

Like an award show, maybe.

Because that’s exactly how this week’s Dance Moms started out….in full-on pre-show mode with Abby, Melissa and Maddie getting their hair did and their faces Beat to the Gawdz for the upcoming People’s Choice Awards.

mmWell…ok…that’s a lie.

The show actually started with this wide shot:

signsThink those signs are big enough?

Then we went into hair and makeup, because Maddie had been nominated for a 2016 PCA in the “Seriously Popular” category along with some other people who were also in the category.  I forget who exactly, but Melissa ran through the list of names on her iPhone while the camera zoomed in on all this tasty goodness…aa1I see what you did there, Mr. CameraGuy.

married-to-medicine-season-2-quad-201#ShadyBoots.

Since Mackenzie was back in Pittsburgh performing with the original ALDC squad this week, Melissa had given Abby 2 tickets to tonight’s award show, but nobody knew who her Mystery Date was going to be for the evening.  Even when pressed by Melissa, Abby wouldn’t give up any details on a potential escort.

Side note:  I’ve said it before, but still.tumblr_o43kj5nX7S1tb8iyko2_500

mw-dc905_trump_20150108160332_zhSeparated at Birth, or nah?

Even my MomCrush Jill had to bow to the awesomeness of Abby’s spray tan this week.

Flashback:  Remember when all the Toddlers & Tiaras kids used to get hosed down on the kitchen table while they’re brothers were sitting there in the overspray just trying to eat their cereal?  I loved that show.

And speaking of probably violating at least one city ordinance or fire code…the ALDC LA studio was busting at the seams with Dance Moms this week.  They were everywhere.

The Mini Moms were finally back (…minus two of the blond ones who took their kids and hit the road back to wherever…) as well as all the original full-size Moms.

Disclaimer:  I said full-size, not full-figure.  Relax, people.

And there was even a new Mom on the scene this week.

Meet Jeannie and her trifecta of tiny dancers.

31Kaylee, Rihanna and Coco.  11, 9 and 7 respectively.

I’m assuming they were either personally called and invited to the ALDC or were drawn in by those gigantic window signs.  I’m not sure.  But there they were, regardless.

So now, not only did we finally meet a 7 year old child named Coco, but the Mini Team was potentially back up to its full 6 member headcount again.

That’s right.  Abby was going to have the oldest girl, Kaylee, dance with the tater tots.

Which made Kaylee get all like ‘Excuse Me?’

duh …because she usually gets paid for babysitting, thank you.

Duh.

Oh.  And Peyton‘s Mom already knew Jeannie.  Because of course she did.

And she already wasn’t a big fan, which caused Kerri to make the same face she made when she refused to believe that any woman in the building could afford that quilted Chanel bag sitting behind her head.  As if.

chanelGossip Dept.:  Every major CVS rag on the rack had recently published stories about Maddie leaving the ALDC to pursue other interests, but Melissa was refusing to acknowledge the articles or discuss the situation with any of the Moms.

But, of course, that didn’t stop Ashlee from asking about it anyway.

Melissa did this a lot this week.

mzsmStill in curlers, Abby rushed through the Pyramid of Shame so she and the Zs could head off to the Awards for some free swag and appetizers.

Bottom Row:  Mackenzie, Kalani, JoJo and Nia.

Psych #2.  Abby moved Nia’s photo up one row, which caused Nia to make this face.

2015-08-10-1439188332-2404835-willisI mean, this face.

niaWhatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Miller?

Middle Row:  Kendall and Brynn, followed by Maddie on Top.

This week, the gang was headed to Placentia, CA for the Dream Dance Competition.

The new & improved Minis would be performing a group routine entitled ‘The Monsters,’ while the Big Girls would be circling overhead just like ‘The Vultures’ Abby thinks they are some times.  And Maddie got a solo.  Because Maddie.  ‘The Peoples Choice…Or Not?’

With their Uber already waiting outside to take them downtown, Abby tracked down Brynn in that freaky back storeroom and asked her if she wanted to go to the awards.

This face, tho.

bWhat do you think, lady?

Bonus Points:  To both Abby, for somehow finding an entire last minute Muppet-inspired outfit in Brynn’s size just hanging on a rack and to that random Boy Toy assistant who looked like whichever Jonas Brother it is that always works out, who kept walking in and out of the shot carrying what appeared to be a deli sandwich all wrapped to-go.

I don’t even understand this show anymore.

amPsych #3:  Hope Brynn didn’t cut the tags off that outfit, cuz she ain’t going anywhere.

It was a mess.

The other Moms took offense to Abby asking Brynn first instead of one of the other girls.

Which made Ashlee mad.

Which got Jill mad.

To nip it in the bud, Abby asked Kendall and Kalani if they wanted to go in Brynn’s place, but neither of them were touching that one with a ten foot pole.  Kudos for having the maturity to not take food right out of the mouth of your new little dance friend, girls.kk

Somehow when the dust settled, it ended up that Jill was going to the awards instead, even though she had nothing to wear.

Again…as if.

Deep down, I’ve always believed that everything Jill wears is actually velcro rip-away stuff that’s hiding something sequined underneath just in case anything like this ever happens to come up at the last minute and she finally gets that call from Dancing With The Stars.

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I know, right?  Iconic.

Eventually, everyone pig-piled on top of each other and nobody ended up going with Abby.

Nobody.

Jill wasn’t going to steal a little girl’s ticket.  Ashlee wasn’t going to let her baby girl get bulldozed by anyone.  Holly couldn’t believe we were still talking about this same issue 30 minutes later.  And then I did the math and realized that I could have just taken the last ticket and saved everyone alot of grief.  Thanks for nothing, ladies.

Fast forward:  And the Winner is…Maddie Ziegler!!  Our girl won!!

OMG.  Like Seriously Popular.pca

The next day, Team Ziegler was back and telling all their exciting celebrity stories.

pca2Melissa even brought the trophy to work and put it in Holly’s spot.

awWould you mind just scooting down a little bit so my baby’s trophy can get the good light?

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Side note:  I’m starting to love that clip almost as much as I love Holly.

After allowing everyone to touch the award like it was some religious artifact from the Holy People’s Choice Land, Melissa finally put it down and we got to watch the girls rehearse.

Srsly.  How adorbz were those little fur coats?  Even before they hot glued all the roly-poly craft store hilarity onto the fur?  I mean, c’mon.

eye1Spoiler Alert:  Why are there only three kids in that picture?

Clearly, the only person who wasn’t loving the purple fur…other than the guy they had to hunt down on Sesame Street for his pelt and eyeballs, of course…

purple4…was Kaylee, who rolled her still attached eyes and (…allegedly…) copped an attitude.

Mom immediately sat her down for the 411.

Apparently, Kaylee felt that the dance was for babies.  Too young.  Too cheeky.  And why would anyone above the age of 10 want to pretend to be a monster and be all like…

monsterI dunno, honey.  Why don’t we ask this lady when she’s done cashing in all her millions?

giphyYaaaaaaaas, Gaga.

Q.  And didn’t Brooke Hyland dance with Minis even when she was old enough to date boys and take a pie in the face?  Wasn’t she like 27 and still stepping on Mackenzie Boo back in the day?  Gah.  We miss those Hylands.

Take a bow, kids.  XOXO

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With barely a day to go before the competition, all the Moms were out back by the dumpster (…cuz that’s where all the good trash gets talked…) dishing the dirt about Jeannie and her kids and…of course…the dreaded Social Media.

Yup.  Turns out that Jeannie had smack talked Abby and the ALDC crew online, calling them out for unprofessionalism and bad behavior and a stressful work environment and all the regular stuff you always put on social media when your boss rubs you the wrong way.

Mmmm.  Do tell.

smedia

#StrongKidsWalkAway.  She actually wrote that.

Yikes.

h1Probably not the best time for Jeannie & Co to roll up in their Escalade to announce that they were quitting the team already.

Side note:  Was it my TV or was Jessalynn talking really loud this week?  Cuz my ears…

I heart her, tho.  Here she is being loud again.

Stop it.  No…you stop it.

jsShort version:  Abby saw the social media posts and threatened to sic one of her 143 libel lawyers on Jeannie, who threw Chloe‘s name into the mix just to get everyone wound up.

Kudos to Melissa for standing up for the Lukasiaks and making it clear that Jeannie didn’t know the whole back story.

And then they were gone.

I guess Kaylee was off to do something better that didn’t involve scary faces and purple fur that watches you wherever you go in the room.

Art-MUI mean, really.  How creepy were all those coats hanging behind Maddie?  Go back up and look at that picture again.  I wouldn’t be able to sleep with those things in the house.

With the Mini roster completely cut in half, Abby scrambled the girls into a Trio and then snatched two random ALDC hip hop girls who happened to be walking by and signed them up to do a Duet at the last minute.  Sometimes panic brings out the best in everyone.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And Hat Day at the judges’ table.  You see that?  On point, boys.

Jill asked Melissa one more time if Maddie was sticking around or not, to which Melissa replied “As of right now”…which could either mean she’ll finish the dance, the season or this week’s episode.  Who knows.

But her solo was awesome.

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And they were barely done raving about it when the two surprise hip hop girls showed up backstage for some healthy competition.  And most of Abby’s attention.hh

Look at Brynn.  She totally knew what was about to hit the hip hop fan.b3

Needless to say, Kerri didn’t like that…at all.  So she made this face again.  chanel

But in a different outfit.

kr

And on steroids.

Kerri wanted her daughter to get some attention.  And respect.  And now.

Abby knew what she was doing.  She’d done it before, right?  We even got to see Chloe in an Amber Alert’ flashback to prove her point about healthy competition!

Hey, Boo!  Miss you more!

cm

And then it got louder.

Abby yelled.  Kerri yelled.  Peyton cried.  Rinse & Repeat.

Yell at my kid one more time.  You’re the people I don’t want in my studio.  You’re the culture.  Yell at my kid one more time.  I can get louder.

It was getting ugly.  And even louder.

 All Holly could think about was how good the coffee was…

hf…and the Bronx.

Bronx-ny-postcard

Where this happened.  Remember?
dance-moms-fightThey cut out this part since there were Minis in the room…

tumblr_n0w5c8WCiY1ql5yr7o2_250And they even cut out this part from when it aired overseas and somebody had to subtitle Holly when she was freaking out…

God Bless the Internet.  I even love Holly in Portuguese.

Luckily, it didn’t escalate to Kelly 2.0 and the show went on after all.

True Fact:  The pep talk between the 3 Minis was probably the best part of the whole episode.  Those kids are hilarious.  Face.  Give them Face.  Give them pre-school Face.

We got this.

Stop it.  I just can’t.

jsBoth the Mini Duet and Mini Trio went off without a hitch.  The Trio really stepped it up at the last minute, despite all the Mama Drama right before they went onstage.

Side note:  I really wanted to point out that one of the Minis has the most amazing calf muscles for such a teenie weenie, but it sounds way more unintentionally creepy when I say it out loud…so never mind.

The Big Girls were off the chart, too.

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All the flashbacks this week made me recall those dime store costumes and Crayola makeup jobs the Moms used to have to do on their kids mugs.  They’ve certainly come a long way since digging through that ratchet ALDC tutu store.

After a quick power point lesson on the mating rituals and survival techniques of Vultures (…Aegypius Monachus…) by Dr. Holly, it was time to hand out some awards.

Which the ALDC scooped up like those afore mentioned scavenging birds.

Mini Duet took First Place.  Mini Trio snagged Second Place.  And the Big Girls brought home another First Place trophy to put next to Melissa’s People’s Choice Award.

Which brought everyone back to the same old question one more time?

‘Sup with Maddie now?

mdHmmm.

Rumors?  Go figure.

Maybe next week.

Or not, I guess.

mz

Bring It!: The Divas Of Olive Branch Are Back And Neva The Diva Wants To Get Even, So No More Horsing Around.

March 13th, 2016

a3

 

 

Well, if I knew they was all giving out prizes every time you take off your hair…Hell, yeah.

 

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I know you better get all that outta my face before you get all of this in yours.

 

 

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Gurl…pleez. If one more horse comes outta that bathroom, Imma get back on the bus right now.

 

 

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Aw. Hell. Neigh.

 

 

 

jf

 

 

 

I did not put on my good suit to watch a talking horse and some dude in a pink tutu throw down.

 

 

tic

 

 

 

Whatever you got in that bottle, I’ll take some. And hit me up hard…it’s gonna be a long night, Boo.

 

heiffer

 

 

 

Oh, I know we’re not gon’ play this damn Heifer Game again. Don’t make me have a cow right here.

 

 

 

Dat’s right, heifers.

She’s baaaack.  And ready to Bring It!

Divas…and livestock…to the dance floor, please.

neva-is-the-diva-for-bring-it-lifetime-210-recap-2015

Srsly.

Q.  How much do we love Neva McGruder?

A.  So much.  Too much, really.  Cuz you know when the blinged-out coach for the Divas Of Olive Branch shows up on your screen, she’s gonna be even more Extra than that Sunday newspaper you have to hold with both hands.  And we love her for it.

And this week’s episode was no exception.

But let’s not put the cart before the (…Spoiler Alert!…) umm…you know…

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…and start at the beginning.

With only 2 weeks to go before the Battle Royale, e’rrybody’s nerves were already frazzled down at the Dollhouse Dance Factory.  The last round of solo cuts were looming on the horizon, which meant that either Camryn, Crystianna or Makyah would soon be carrying the responsibility of 50% of the Dancing Dolls‘ total score at the finale.

No pressure at all, right?

Add to that some fresh, new Stand Battle choreography and trying to find time to study for the upcoming State testing…it was no wonder that the girls were a little stressed out on the ride over to the Dollhouse.

Side note:  How can photos beamed back to Earth from the Mars Land Rover be clearer than Skype calls and automobile video?  How is that even possible?  And where did Mimi‘s chandelier rear view mirror air freshener go?  That thing was crazy pants.

We love Mimi.  Muah.

mimiBack at the Dollhouse, as Dianna gathered up all the girls for this week’s low-down, the Mamas were already out back in the IKEA Viewing Lounge doing what they do best:

Being Whacky.

And thanking the Academy, of course.

dDat’s rite.  My girl Tina was awarded a special trophy for Best Wig Snatch Ever, presented by The Original Dancing Doll© Dana, who handed the thing over like she was some kind of freakin’ Heidi Klum at the Kids Choice Awards.

Look at Tina.  She’s crazy.

hydotumblr_nd5078RWco1tfn6k7o1_500Bonus:  Here’s an actual screen shot of Tina accepting her award.

liv_dollThank you.  Thank you very much.

As all that hilarity was ensuing, Miss D was back in the Dollhouse revealing that a former Golden Dazzlers‘ dancer was now on the payroll as Assistant Coach Number I Don’t Know What.  Really.  What number are we up to now?  I forget.

Number 4, maybe?  I dunno.  It would be nice if Dianna introduced those other ladies who are always standing around before the show goes on hiatus.  Just saying, girl.

Chop Chop.

But regardless of his employee ID#, Andre was in the hizzle now, yo.

a5And now Kayla was all like What The What?

kj Wasn’t that her job?

At least according to Tina, who got a little salty and compared Andre to a Side Chick.

Trivia:  Which was a line in a Pointer Sisters‘ song.

Cuz I Betcha Got A Chick On The Side.

57_1Certainly a lot going on in that picture.

tumblr_lzqrvrRLlm1qamyq8o1_500The Circle of Life.

This week, as we already learned, the Dolls would be going up against the Divas Of Olive Branch, as well as the Dazzling Diamonds, Virtuous Divine and the Girls Who Have Never Even Heard Of 45rpm Records OR The Pointer Sisters And Just Made Me Feel Old.

As you’ll recall, the last time the Dolls came up against the DOB (…or is it DOOB?…) the whole thing quickly escalated into one big drag queen/you’z a heifer/wig snatch/police raid circus that resulted in Neva throwing her trophy on the floor and losing her nutty.

That Heifer tryna BE me!

nBonus Points:  To whoever that dude is in the hoodie giving SideEye.  He’s my new Spirit Animal.  I never get good photobomb opps like this guy.  And you know when he went out after filming with his boyz he was all like You Shoulda Seen This Crazy Bitch Poppin’ Off…

neva-is-the-diva-for-bring-it-lifetime-210-recap-2015My bad.  I stand corrected.  Love her.

This week the Dolls would also (…Spoiler Alert: or maybe not…) be performing an Around The World Creative Dance based on Dianna’s love of Chinese Food.

Because she said that.  And because Chinese Food makes you hungry again in one hour.

Side note:  I’m pretty sure that Kayla likes her Chinese Food more than she likes seeing Andre take over Stand Battle Choreography, because she made this face a few more times before it was all over.

tDeep down, KJ knows that Miss D only does what’s best for the team and her employees, but that don’t make it any easier to watch, I’m sure.  Kayla is bae, BTW.

And I like her hair better when it’s straightened, if anyone’s asking for my opinion.

kj1The next day, Tina couldn’t stand it anymore and went into the Dollhouse to confront Dianna regarding Andre’s place on the corporate ladder.  She was feeling some type of way and Mama’s got to protect her cub, even where her cub ain’t a cub anymore, right?

I’m pretty sure Tina also put on her glasses so Miss D wouldn’t punch her in the face.

d2Needless to say, that discussion went well.  Bye, girl.

With only 2 days to go, the Chinese dance was hot mess soup.  Half the girls were always missing due to their studies, so Dianna was  constantly playing catch-up every time they tried to run the number.  And that was making her extremely agitated.

And the Mamas extremely hungry.

Lucky for them, Mimi brought in a big ol’ Rubbermaid bin full of Food From Every Nation.

Like the bins you use to store your Christmas decorations in when you take down the tree, but it was full of burritos and egg rolls instead.

That new J.Crew Mama still thinks these ladies are insane, but she’s not gonna turn down free grub.  No ma’am.  She was waving her arms in the air like she was at a Mardi Gras parade.  Throw me some beads.  And those wings while you’re at it.

tamI think we like her a lot now.

As the snacks were flying around the room, Kayla made this face a few more times…

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…and this one…

tstr…and then apologized to Miss D for her Mama getting all wound up over Andre.

It’s all good.

We also took a quick road trip to Rittany and Mimi’s homes to watch their daughters prep for the final solo auditions.  Both girls are straight up amazing and are both more than worthy of a solo, but all that really mattered was that big heap of trophies on the floor next to Mimi.  That heap right there.  By the Grecian urn end table.

mcDaHell?  Those things were piled up like she was handing ’em out to trick-or-treaters.

Mimi = Love.

With only 24 hours to go, the Creative Dance was still not working.  Half the girls were studying.  Half the girls were messing up the choreography.

And half of Makyah’s legs were hurting.

Uh oh.  She was favoring one leg.  One day before competition.

Safety First:  Makyah was out of the running for the Battle Royale solo.

ccWhich meant that Crystianna and Camryn went head to head for the final cut.

Drumroll.

Camryn for the Win!  Boop!

cmBut don’t you worry about Crystianna.  Her time is coming.  Rittany knows it.  Dianna knows it.  And I know it.  That girl is coming out of her shell like a Boss.  You just wait.

Bonus Points:  For Rittany, who totally supported Camryn.  I love how they all have each other’s backs.  Especially each other’s kids.  Nobody loses on this show.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time for my boy Jay The Slayer Fever Johnny Harrington V to insert his vintage kitchen napkin pocket square and get the party started.

jf2Jay is the bomb.  The Neutron Bomb.  Google it and you’ll get the joke.

But can we talk about these judges first?

jsI mean.  Is it just me, or…?  Here’s another shot of them.

17a5952979a7ca3aba172f385ffadedfAnd here’s two of them hogging the spotlight between Stand Battles.  Like they couldn’t have waited until the third one got out of the bathroom.

maxresdefault-1And here’s all 3 of them together again, doing the half-time show with JayDawg.

Dreamgirls-Marriott-Theatre-Jimmy-and-Dreamettes-2Did you know they even sell Limited Edition Judge Dolls out in the lobby?

Because they do.  And you can tip their heads side-to-side like OhNoYouDin’t.

2007dghomeHow much do we love this show?

Subliminal Messaging Dept.:  While Dianna was giving the girls a pep talk, there was one of those How-To CPR posters right behind her head.  Just in case, Neva.  Just in case.

And Sunjai was back!!!  Yay!  Baby Girl was back from college with her sisters!

Look at them all together posing like Seloncé‘s backup dancers.

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Oh.  And Neva showed up on one of those light-up hoverboards from Amazon.

r r2 r1No lie.  Somebody had to run out back and rip that CPR poster off the wall when Rittany saw Neva enter the building.  She be rollin’.  Hard.  And she almost put Rittany into cardiac arrest doing it.

And then it was really, finally Showtime.  After a surprise announcement that the Dolls would not be competing in the Creative Dance Category.

mfHot.  Mess.  Soup.

Told you so.

Virtuous Divine was first out with a bunch of Parisian mimes, followed by the St. Louis Dazzling Diamonds and their literal ALL around the world routine.  Literally.  I think the only thing missing was New Jersey and the country that manufactures shirts that are always too small.

Neva and her Divas followed that extravaganza with their own butterfly encrusted Asian sumthin sumthin.  Dianna was kinda sorta wishing that she hadn’t cut the Dolls’ number after seeing that one go down.

dpAnd then Dianna and Neva met up in the hallway.  Because you know the rules.

Neva tried to give Miss D a BeDazzled cross to ward off Sparkle Demos and Glitter Ghouls and then couldn’t get it back into the gift bag.  You notice that?

And then she did this…

dn2And then Dianna did this…

hAnd then all this went down…

dn1 dn6tumblr_o3wcsckhrK1tb8iyko2_500Until they both ended up all like…

Dynasty Alexis Crystal fish pond fight002

Ok.  That last part might not be true.  There was no koi pond at that campus.

But you gotta admit it’s ironic that they’re wearing the same colors.

Next up…Stand Battle Time!

Round One: Dancing Dolls vs. Virtuous Divine.  Dolls moving on.

Round Two:  Dazzling Diamonds vs. Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers.

Power Of: Olive Branch!  You see those costumes?  Lawd ha’ mercy.

giphy-2Final Round:  Dolls vs. DOB.

And that’s when the horse s*** really hit the fan.  F’realz.

The DOB brought out a Dianna Williams horse getting all #HorseFace up in Neva’s face…

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And then the Dolls brought out #DragNeva doing whatever this was…

tumblr_o3wcq6HkUT1tb8iyko2_500And it just went on and on until the whole crowd was all like…

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When it was all over, the judges weren’t liking it.  At all.

Especially that one judge who was already miffed that the other two had performed without her while she was in the bathroom.  She was not happy.

She said that both teams had made a Mock. Er. Eeeey. of the entire process.  You know she was mad because she broke it down into 3 separate words.

Cuz that’s how you do when you’re pissed off.

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Girlfriend was MAD.

Really mad.  And nobody could really blame her.

I just wanted to pull my eyebrows out to make it stop.ebUn.  Comfortable.

Everyone was so flustered by the end of that tirade that even Jay pulled a Steve Harvey and gave Second Place in Creative to the wrong team.

Just like that.  Gimme that crown back, bitch.

giphy-4And Neva was crying just like Miss Colombia by the time he went backstage to try and apologize.  But it didn’t matter much by then…it was too late.

ncry1And it was sad.  Because I don’t like to see anyone cry.

Luckily, that Cicely Tyson judge was wearing THE best white polar bear fur Wilma Flintstone vest evah which distracted me from most of the drama.

And then…thankfully…it was finally over.

Both teams got spanked a little and vowed to return stronger and more focused the next time they meet up.  Which might be sooner than you think, folks.

Because next week it’s already time for the Semi-Finals.

So wipe those tears.  We’re one step closer to the Battle Royale, yo.

Kisses.

dob

DD4L, ‘mmmkay?nh1


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