Bring It!: We Don’t Need No Scrubs, But Some TLC Would Be Nice After All These Crazy Battle Royale Solo Cuts.March 5th, 2016
I can’t believe these babies have never heard of TLC. Imma have a stroke right here on national TV.
I didn’t get one thing off my damn bridal registry and now all these heifers want me to support their kids? Bitch, pleez.
Srsly? You’ve met me like 100 times already. I’m Faith’s Mom…not the valet. Park your own car.
Sorry, Boo…but it clearly states ‘Only One Bow Tie Per Event.’ One of you gotta go change.
Aw. Hell. Nah.
I can’t with all these Mamas sounding like Charlie Brown’s teacher and being lazy as Snoopy.
Here comes the Big One right now. I can feel my roots getting tingly and it’s not even my own hair.
Some quick advise before we get started.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls.
I wouldn’t if I were you. That kind of thing just never seems to end well.
But if you must, definitely don’t try to do it in a car. Especially in the passenger side of your best friend’s ride. Cuz that’s just pathetic.
And Facebook? And Twitter? And LinkedIn? And every other form of social media and Reality TV blog out there?
Please…don’t creep. Just don’t.
Can you figure out the theme of this week’s episode of Bring It! now?
I hope so.
Because it was the TLC-inspired Creative Dance, saluting one of the most iconic girls groups ever. And unless you’ve been living under a rock (…or dancing at the Dollhouse Dance Factory…) everyone knows TLC, right?
This is TLC…
This is them dancing…
And this is me when none of the young ladies of the Dancing Dolls knew who TLC was…
A. Don’t answer that.
Side note: If we’re being totally honest, that first photo is also how I like to pose by the towel wall after my workouts, because you never when know when your Gym Crush might need a freshly rolled tube of terry cloth. Oh, hey. Didn’t even see you there. Sup?
With only 3 weeks remaining before the Battle Royale, Dianna Williams and her team were bringing out all the big hair and big guns to ensure they entered the finale on top of the leader board.
The competition had been tougher than ever so far this year and Miss D was going to make certain that the Dolls were on their A Game as they got ready for this week’s showdown. Starting right now.
After a quick ride around town with Camryn and my girl Mimi (…where were they going at 2am? You see how dark it was outside?…) we headed over to Dianna’s office to get the deets on this week’s Battle Ready Competition.
Kidding. It was still winter time, so it gets dark early. They were just on their way to the Dollhouse. Because that’s how the show goes now. Opening Car Ride, Office Time, Crazy Moms and then a commercial.
I’m watching you, Lifetime. And planning my snacks accordingly.
Assistant Coach Kayla and her crazy a** big purple hair got right down to bidnezz with Miss D, rehashing last week’s results, figuring out the direction for the upcoming weekend’s performances and discussing the additional cuts they would be making in the Battle Royale solo auditions.
This time around, the team would be competing in both Crea–
Seriously. How much do we love this show?
Sure enough, Camryn was still outside trying to un-click her seatbelt and Mimi was already inside Dianna’s office, discussing how she felt her baby should get the solo spot in the finale. Because she’s the Captain. And her baby.
What do you think, Miss D?
This week, the Dolls would be competing in both the TLC Creative Dance and Stand Battle. Dianna would be auditioning girls for the three lead spots in the TLC routine…ie, T-Boz, Chilli and Left Eye…after explaing to all the girls who T-Boz, Chilli and Left Eye were in the grand scheme of things.
Faith assumed that her Mom Dana probably liked TLC.
Needless to say, next door in the IKEA Lounge, the Mamas were straight up brawling over who should get the TLC trio spots as well as the highly coveted Battle Royale solo. I bet you can pretty much figure out how that all went down without my play by play.
Rittany felt that it was Crystianna‘s time to shine like the Silent Killer she was, while Mimi tried the same argument that had gotten her nowhere back in Dianna’s office. Dana busted out some more chunky jewelry and thought that all the other Mamas sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher when they talked. Whaaw Whaaw Whaaw.
And Tina made this face a lot. We love her like I dunno what, mmmkay?
This week, the Dolls would be going up against Royal Envy, the Golden Prancerettes, arch rivals the Infamous Dancerettes and the Girls Who Never Clean The Screen On Their iPhones Even After Eating Those New Spicy Chicken Fries At Burger King.
Which is just gross, BTW.
You know you have to walk right by the napkin dispenser on the way out, right? Maybe if you threw your trash out and put your tray away you’d know that.
T-Boz: Faith, Daija and Denicia.
Denicia is a newer face who’s been lurking in the background for the last 8 months. New to us, but not new to Miss D, who saw great potential in this dancer.
This is Denicia, looking like she should be scoring gold for the Olympic Track Team.
This girl is gorgeous. Twitter went bazoinkers.
If that Olympic thing doesn’t work out, I think she’ll still do just fine.
Left Eye: Makalah and Ken’Janae.
Chilli: Crystianna and Camryn.
Results: Denicia, Ken’Janae and Camryn…your new TLC girls.
Everyone was excited for them.
Every girl on this team is amazing and beautiful. You know dat. And the way they support each other is something you wish you could find in every school and neighborhood across the world. Dianna and the Mamas have raised them all right.
Full disclosure: Rittany got a lil’ salty that her niece didn’t get chosen, but I’m giving her a pass because I really liked her in this hair and turtleneck.
After Battle Squad practice, everyone headed out into the parking to go home.
And to stalk Dianna. Which is exactly what Dana did, after either popping out from behind her car or sliding out from under some truck like you see in those movies where they kill you in a parking deck. I’m not sure where she came from.
No lie. She was literally waiting for Dianna just like this. With the same lipstick.
Nice try. Moving on. Bye, Dana.
Not to be outdone, the next day as the girls rehearsed their elaborate TLC routine, Rittany decided it was her turn. Because Mimi and Dana had been so successful, I mean.
Dianna wasn’t happy. At all.
Long story short: Miss D tore into the IKEA Lounge and threw all the Mamas face down, right back out onto the cold, winter sidewalks.
Just like the old days.
Miss D don’t play. Now stay out there.
Still Standing: Makya, Crystianna and Camryn. Stay tuned.
And time for my boy Jay You Don’t Say Fever Johnny Harrington V to unleash yet another InstaClassic bit of Chattanooga Couture on an unsuspecting crowd.
That friendly Cicely Tyson lady and that other lady who got cut out of the shot and the middle guy who I know better not be trying to cop Jay’s fit.
True Fact: They all travel together. Their secret has been exposed. And here’s actual unseen footage of them arriving at the Columbus venue as proof that I was right all along.
And here they are waiting for Dianna and Mimi to come help unload all their crap.
I swear to the same Gawd that beat Denicia’s face.
Side note: Seloncé ain’t doing so bad herself lately, either.
Dang that shoulder length, gurl.
Side note #2: If you didn’t know who TLC was, there’s no way in hell you’re gonna know the f***ing Partridge Family, so those last few paragraphs up there were probably a solid waste of my online research time.
After the quick required hallway meet up, where ID’s Coach John Connor had swapped out his previously grey dreads for some red tips, it was time for the Creative Category.
Next, Johnn and his team hit the floor with about 47 other members of a marching band and 24 dancers that weren’t even on the ID payroll.
She booked it over to that judges’ table waaaaay faster than I ever thought anyone could possible move when they’re shrink-wrapped in head-to-toe black leather like our girl.
Obviously, Dianna needed to wrap this up asap so she could get back out and rob the Gotham First National Bank.
You go, Mama. Meow.
Unfortunately, according to the rules, you could add as many human beings and/or random livestock to your team as you wanted, as long as none of them danced for longer than 5 minutes. It’s right there on this piece of paper, yo.
So onward and upward. And right into that waterfall.
The TLC tribute was everything.
That s*** was cray.
And tell me Denicia doesn’t look like she body-swapped T-Boz.
Even Dana had some kind of ’90s thing going on. I think.
So speaking of creeping, here’s the link to Dianna’s post of the entire routine without the elevator music. It rocks the house, so you better check it out.
Fell free to flip off a couple haters while you’re there, too.
Then it was on to the Stand Battles.
Round One: Golden Prancerettes vs. ID. John and his girls took the win.
Round Two: Royal Envy vs. Dancing Dolls. Dianna and her team for the win.
Bonus Points: This mall cop with his tongue hanging out during the pre-game show, trying to photobomb the shot for some reason. What the what was that all about?
Nothing to see here, dude. Keep it moving before we call a real cop.
The Stand Battle was off the hook and both teams pretty much set the floor on fiyah.
There was a brief moment of questionable activity when John grabbed as many audience members as he could who happened to be walking by to use the restroom and forced them to dance with his team and then one other little snafu when Crystianna got so distracted by all the people wearing bow ties that she glanced sideways instead of straight ahead, but the judges either missed it or let it go…
…because the Dancing Dolls won First Place!!
In BOTH Creative and Stand Battle!
It makes all the sacrifices worth it in the end for both the Mamas and their girls. And honestly, the smiles on their faces are better than any trophy.
And then it was over.
One week closer to the Battle Royale.
Just a couple more weeks. And a couple more cuts.
We miss you Left Eye.