Posts Tagged ‘Abby Lee Dance Company’

Dance Moms: The ALDC Returns To Pittsburgh And Immediately Splits In Half. It’s The Great Dance Mom Divide.

Wednesday, March 4th, 2015

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I know this crazy old lady is not trying to photobomb my selfie now that I got my hair just right.

 

 

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Excuuuse me, Jill. Gawd forbid anyone else get to rock a cold shoulder top up in here, Hater.

 

 

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Bitch, pleez.

 

 

kcs

 

 

 

 

Nice try, ladies. But we have a winner.

 

mj

 

 

 

 

Hold still, Bow Bow. It’s gonna take me about five coats to cover up all these Hello Kitty tattoos.

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Talk s*** about my kid again and I’ll drop your credit score so low you’ll never get a loan.*

 

nia

 

 

 

You see this Side Eye, sweetie? It’s called My Single Just Dropped On iTunes Side Eye.

 

 

 

(* Allegedly, of course…)

They say you can’t go home again.

That’s what they say, you know.  There’s even a country song about it.

But they’re wrong.  Because you can.  And the Dance Moms gang just did.

After a less than stellar showing during their recent cross country Brady Bunch road trip (…where, if I’m not mistaken, the original plan was for Abby Lee Miller to build an ALDC LA high-rise and takeover the West Coast Dance World, right?…) everyone was suddenly back home in Pennsylvania to regroup and get their shizzle together.

Don’t get me wrong.  It wasn’t a complete disaster in Hollywood.  But it’s not like the mayor of Pittsburgh gave them a Superbowl parade when they returned, either.

They won a few.  And lost a few.  And then lost a few more.

Let’s just say they brought back more Rodeo Drive cold shoulder tops than trophies.

Seriously.  Was it just me or was every single person on this show exposing their shoulders this week?  It literally gave me anxiety that I had missed a memo or something.

And shout-out to Kira for taking top prize with that white triple-cut cheese grater number, even though I feel the need to point out that I paid less for a 3pack of long-sleeved GAP tees that got snagged in the washing machine and came out looking exactly like that top.

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But we love KG.  Even if Bank of America doesn’t.

Ouch.  Too soon?

Disclaimer:  They’ll be a lot of credit fraud jokes this week.  All in good fun, of course.  And all alleged, until proven otherwise by the courts or some disgruntled Arizona Dance Mom.

My girl Sasha Nia and Mom Holly were the first to arrive back at the studio, accompanied by their own dramatic Survivor background music.  I see what you did there, Lifetime.

Dr. Beyoncé was on Abby’s short list this week, along with Kira and whacky JoJo‘s even whackier Mom Jessalynn, thanks in part to their participation in the now infamously squeaky clean MattyB music video.  Somewhere along the line, while attempting to teach their daughters a lesson in honoring commitments and actually reading what you are signing before you sign it, they had fallen out of Abby’s good graces.  Go figure.

To make matters even worse, Holly was also still dealing with unresolved issues surrounding Nia’s recording studio work with Aubrey O’Day while the team was in Hollywood.  Abby didn’t appreciate the fact that Holly had reached out to Aubrey and gotten Nia a pretty sweet deal on a new iTunes song that you can easily download right here if you have some cash laying around.

And while we’re on the subject, I didn’t appreciate the fact that I’m still the only one who doesn’t have Aubrey O’Day loaded into their speed dial, because I would totally be hitting that lady up on my Sidekick every day of the week until somehow actually came to my job and physically handed me a restraining order. kv

Anyway.  I digress.

Back to Pittsburgh.  And back to the Pyramid of Shame, where there were clearly more hidden photos than there were girls in the room.  Could it be?  Could Abby have finally received my headshots?

Not gonna lie.  I may have set myself up for disappointment.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Feather Vests and Fur Coats. It was a good week.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was all about Maddie, JoJo, Nia and Kalani, with Kendall and MackZ just above them on the Middle Tier.  And then Maddie was on the top.

Wait.  What?  There are two Maddies now?  This show is crazy pants.

False alarm. There’s only one.  Abby just stuck the same Maddie up there a second time because she couldn’t find the new TV Guide cover with Austin & Ally on it.

Because…you know.  Go, Maddie.  And Disney.

This week the gang was headed to the World-Class Talent Experience in Manahawkin, NJ.  No idea where that town is…and no idea why some competitions consider 12 year olds to be teenagers when the word ‘teen’ is not even in the number.

But this one does for some reason.  And now, according to my calculations, that meant Nia and Kalani just skewed (…and screwed, according to Abby…) the average age of the ALDC and the girls would have to perform in the Teen Category.jj

Now I get it…but I don’t get it, because unless she’s going to actually attempt to stunt their growth through cigarettes and liquor, all those girls will eventually grow up and not be allowed to compete in the Junior Pee Wee Division anymore.

That’s why the call it Growing Up.  And personally, I’m not sure I even want to see some 67 year old woman with a bad hip doing backflips in a bumble bee costume.

So come on.  Time marches on, people.

Kalani, Kendall and Nia all scored solos.  Kendall’s was a sassy, bluesy mini-Liza with a Z jazz number, while Kalani and Nia’s dances were basically just musical bitch slaps across their own Mom’s faces.

Abby does like her subliminal messages.

Kalani’s solo was called “Pretty Little Liars” because “Sorry Lady But Your Maxxed Out Credit Card With The Three Digit Security Code Scratched Off And Missing Signature Is No Good Here” was too long for the space they give you in the printed program.

Trust me.  Abby is gonna make certain this whole (…alleged, of course…) credit fraud thing dies a slow, painful death.  Like when someone steals your purse and all your credit cards and you have to go renew your license in person at the DMV.

That slow.kn1

You could already tell that Nia’s “The Golden Rule” number didn’t stand a chance, but I wasn’t too worried since you still buy her hot new iTunes single right here if you skimmed the first part of this hilarity and missed the link.

The group routine, ominously entitled “The Domino Effect,” was exactly what it sounded like:  Pizza delivered in 30 minutes or less.

I know, right?  Tell me that wouldn’t have been HIGH-sterical.

Unfortunately, tho, it was about real dominos.  Like the game.  With each one falling and tragically taking down the one next to it and then that one taking down the next one…etc.

Just like the Moms were doing to each other.

Trust me.  It was much more dramatic the way Abby explained it.  Much more.

Tick.  Tick.  And then Boom.

I could totally picture the guy who does Darth Vader‘s voice emotionally performing that little bit of script in some One Man Show.  Not a dry eye in the place.  Bravo!

As the girls began stretching it out downstairs and the Moms began punching it out upstairs, Lifetime decided to traumatize us all by running that damn Born In The Wild commercial again.  The Baby in the Forest thing.

Blur it out all you want, guys.  I still saw it.

So we can keep this thing moving, the gist of the remaining 45 minutes was Holly trying to make the other Moms in the MomPerch understand why she felt so unsupported in all of the decisions she made in Hollywood.  Jill didn’t agree.  At all.hf

Melissa, on the other hand,  just sat there putting on hand lotion.  She does that a lot.

And in an oddly Bizarro World/Opposite Land kind of moment, Jessalynn made the most sense out of anyone in the building.  I swear.

Freaky.

All the Moms will go to the end of the Earth for their kids, but they clearly all have a different route programmed into their internal GPS to get them there.  And it drives Holly Ka-Ray-Zee.  All in Caps.

Basically, the whole thing quickly escalated into The Video Moms vs. The Submissive Moms, which sounds way more like a WWE Grudge Match or pay-per-view hotel porn then I originally intended it to sound now that I proofread the sentence.

But you get my drift.

Holly felt that the Moms who skipped out on the MattyB video were just butt kissing Abby’s newly slenderized badonkadonk.  Jill claimed that she had Holly’s back.  Holly felt she did not.  Personally, I just liked the way My MomCrush Jill’s feather vest flapped all around when she got excited.  It was like Sesame Street Live on Ice.

Which we should totally go see on our first date.

Side note:  Do you think there’s a person in Lifetime’s post-production department whose only job is to find those awesome screen shots of Melissa looking all flustered and then edit them into every scene?

Because somebody has to be doing this.  And I want that job so bad.mz

She always looks like she left the iron on at home or something.  I love her so much.

And then Holly got up and left, probably because she knew they were about to run that Born In The Wild commercial for a second time.  Take me with you.  Please.

With one day to go before New Jersey, Holly returned, explaining that she had just needed to step away from all the madness yesterday for a Moment of Clarity.  Which, coincidentally enough,  just happens to be the name of her recently published book.

Which you can certainly buy right here if you have any babysitting money left over after downloading Nia’s new song right here.

Say what you want about them Frazier Girls…they know how to pimp it out.

Side note:  You’ll have to tell me how Nia’s song is, because I’m saving all my cash for some new HollyHair, which should be available just in time for Holiday gift giving.

Love me them Frazier Girls.

Then the Moms had the same discussion they had the day before, but this time all in casual Back to School denim.  Every one of them.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Did I mention that Abby cut Kalani from the group number?  Because she did.  Now the girls could dance in the Toddler Division again.  And cutting Kira’s kid was a lot cheaper than buying cigarettes and liquor in another state.  New Jersey sales tax is ridiculous.

Third Degree Burn Of The Day Award Goes To:  Abby Lee Miller.

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Kira: “The group routine is Kalani’s favorite dance.”  Abby:  “Good.  She can watch it.”

Yeeouch.  That’s gonna leave a mark.

Backstage, Abby scooted all the girls out of the room to scope out the venue, which gave all the Moms time to go another round or two.  Kira didn’t feel it was necessary for her to confront Abby about cutting Kalani from the number, mainly because she was still too busy applying Neosporin to all that raw skin.

She couldn’t believe Jill wanted her to fight with Abby so badly.  Jill couldn’t believe that Holly and Bizarro Jessalynn were suddenly BFFs.  And I couldn’t believe how much crap was in that makeshift green room.  Did you notice?

There was a calendar on every wall and enough Post-its and ‘stage manager’ placards to label every theater on 42nd Street.  That place was a fire trap.  And you know how I’m all about Safety First.

Well.  Drama First.  Safety Second.

Maybe Third, if you count Sarcasm.  And being Snarky.

So, yeah.  Fourth.  Safety is always Fourth.

Side note:  Abby wasn’t wearing any of her crazy a** plastic jewelry or her usual matchy matchy goodness.  None of it.

JoJo even stood quietly in the corner doing her practice spins while Jessalynn pointed out that “Mom trumps Manager no matter what.”  And then the Earth spun off its axis.

It truly was Bizarro World this week.

Kalani’s solo was amazeballs.  Abby said she was flawless.

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Kendall was totally mini-Liza.  I called it.

And then Nia hit the stage and Abby didn’t even watch.

Disclaimer:  In Abby’s defense (…did that sentence even just come out of my mouth?…) Abby immediately took to Twitter and blamed it on editing.  I don’t think it would be the same person who does all of Melissa’s blank stares, so maybe they have somebody in charge of that one, too.  Who knows.  Keep in mind this show is also the show that thinks a 12 year old is a teenager.  Which they’re not.

Because they’re like Tweens.  Duh.  OMG.  Buh-tween this and that.  Der.

I forgot to mention that Abby phutzed around on her cellphone the entire time Nia practiced her solo during the week, so it’s not like she would even know what she was looking at anyway.  So whatever.

Side note:  Did that crazy chick behind Kira have a One Direction iPhone case?  Or was that 5SOS?  Or some new Boy Band du jour?  I can’t even tell the difference anymore.

Side note Numero Dos:  Please tell me that wasn’t Rush Limbaugh behind Abby.

Backstage after the solos, the girls all got their groove on listening to Nia’s new song, which you can totally buy right here.

Side note Numero Tres:  No.  I’m not getting a cut in any iTunes profits.  But I’m also not mailing back any checks that Holly wants to send me.  Haters gonna hate.

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By the time the girls were ready for the group number, we got to see some greasy lady have a baby on a pile of sticky oak leaves for the third time.  Enough with this commercial.

Honestly, at this point I would rather have Freddie Krueger chase me through the backwoods with a chainsaw than come across all that jelly one more time.  Just saying.

The Domino Effect was pretty slick AND was delivered in under 30 minutes, so I guess it was a Win/Win for everyone involved.

Kendall took Fifth Place with her solo.  Kalani swiped her First Place trophy out of the judge’s hands faster than Kira can swipe a Visa through an ATM slot.

(That joke comes with an implied “allegedly, of course…” it just didn’t go with the flow.)

Poor Sasha Nia didn’t even place.  But…you know.  iTunes, suckahs.

Most importantly, the group routine scored First Place and it looked like the ALDC might be getting their mojo back.  Kalani got to dress up in costume and go accept the award with the girls who actually danced the dance, even though Nia and JoJo had previously been banned from doing the exact same thing.

What happened to No Dancey=No Trophy?

Kira swore at Jill.  Jill swore at Kira.  And then it was over.

Time to drop a few babies in the woods.

For a full hour.

What’d you think of that new show, Kira?

k

Dance Moms: It’s The Wild Wild West Coast, Part Two. Time For The ALDC To Say Buh Bye To Hollywood.

Wednesday, February 25th, 2015

t1

 

 

Trust me, girlfriend. You do not want me to get all gangsta on your a** and start Googling s***!

 

 

k1

 

 

Keep it up, Bitch and I’ll max out your credit cards so fast they’ll never let you back in Target.

 

 

jv

 

 

 

Wait. What?

 

 

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I said Sasha got this under control. I just need to know where my three backup dancers be at…

 

 

mj

 

 

Really. What if my face sticks like this and then I can never close my mouth again? Arrested?

 

 

h

 

 

I’ve never actually watched this show before. Have these ladies always been this crazy? Shoot.

 

 

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No. Srsly, Barbie. She’s not turning around until you stuff those things back in your dress.

 

 

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Help, Ethel! This loaf of bread is almost as long as one of JoJo’s stories! Waaah!

 

 

 

Turn Up The Track, yo.

And then maybe dial down the Mama Drama a bit if you could.

Cuz that would be great.  Saying goodbye is hard enough without all this screaming and swearing going on in the background.  Especially all the swearing.

That’s just nasty.  And with the kids still in the room.

But that’s exactly what happened this week when the Dance Moms started packing up all their leotards, cold shoulder tops and dreams of stardom and got ready to bid adieu to California and head back to the Reality they call Pittsburgh.

Say Goodbye to Hollywood, e’rrybody.  Part Deux.

As you’ll recall, when we last saw our heroes and heroines (…same Bat Time, same Bat S*** Crazy Channel…) they were all in the midst of filming MattyB‘s Whitest Boy To Ever Rap In A 1950s Doo Wop Diner music video.

(True Fact:  That was the actual working title before someone decided to cut it down to “Turn Up The Track” so it wouldn’t eat up so many characters on Twitter.)

The More You Know, kids.

The girls were still dressed in their pink waitress uniforms.  MattyB’s hair was still perfect and he still had his feet on the same diner counter where people eat their dinner.

(Relax.  The little squirt is so squeaky clean that it’s probably impossible for germs to even adhere to his body.  It’s MattyB’s World, you know.  We just live in it.)

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And most importantly, Abby Lee Miller was still freaking out that Melissa had signed away Mackenzie‘s college tuition by allowing her daughter to perform in the video without top billing and a backstage rider of dressing room demands.

Because Mackenzie isn’t Mackenzie anymore, you know.  She’s pop star MackZ.

The biggest pop star in the universe, apparently.  At least that was the impression Abby gave everyone as she tried to get MattyB’s DaddyB to void the contract and give MackZ a trailer stocked with room temperature Perrier and a bowl of hand-sorted green M&Ms.

Because she’s a pop star now.  Just like Lady Gaga.  Which I guess explains why Lady Gaga is making the switch to Tony Bennet swing standards and Sound of Music medleys.

Clearly there isn’t room at the top of the charts for more than one Diva.  I’d sleep with one eye open if I were you, Mariah.  

Abby threatened to pull MackZ.  And then she threatened to pull Maddie, who wasn’t even legit in the video to start with, BTW.  But she’s all Famous Amos now, too.

Side note for all the Maddie Fans out there:  You might as well leave now and beat traffic, because for the second week in a row your girl didn’t do anything for an entire episode except stand there wearing red lip stick.  I swear.  Phoned it in again.

With two Zieglers out of the picture, the whole thing quickly escalated into a heated discussion on integrity, character and honoring your commitments.  The rest of the girls and their Moms had all agreed to help out MattyB (…whose freakin’ social media hits probably jumped from One Billion to Two Billions at some point during the arguing just because they kept saying his damn name…) and they weren’t walking off the job.

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That’s why they call it Honoring Your Commitments.  Duh.

Except for my MomCrush Jill, who sided with Melissa and Abby and pulled Kendall from the video as well.  She’s still my MomCrush, tho.  And honestly, at this point I’m more concerned that she was overlooked again for Season 20 of Dancing With The Stars.

Oh.  And I lied.  Maddie did have one line.  She told her Mom that she had just ruined the whole day.  Normally, I don’t condone mouthing off to your Mama for any reason, but it was subtitled like Honey Boo Boo Child and that always makes me laugh.

Just don’t make a habit of it, sweetie.

Sarah R (…who is now just plain Sarah…) stayed for the video shoot, along with Nia, Brynn and JoJo.  The New Moms stood united with Holly.

Spoiler Alert:  Get the kids out of the room before Brynn’s Mom Ashlee puts on her spanx and pink micro dress at the competition.  Trust me.  Just do it.

The next day, Holly and Nia shared a Mother/Daughter Moment in the Enterprise rental as they drove to the studio.  Dr. Beyoncé knew that they would catch some attitude from Abby after participating in MattyB’s video, but it was important that Nia learn the importance of holding your head high and sticking to what you believe is right.

Which I guess is more important than the fact that you just parked in a spot clearly designated for customers of the local dry cleaner.

Seriously.  Did anyone else see that?  Now you know I love me some Holly.  L to the O to the V to the E.  But how did she miss that giant yellow cement thing that had ‘cleaners’ stenciled on it?  Was it just me?  It’s not like it was raining and she just got her hair did.

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Because then it would be ok.  Cuz, you know…you just got your hair did.

Inside, Abby definitely copped some ‘tude with Holly and the rest of the video Moms.  But Holly wasn’t engaging in negativity today.  She just scratched her nose like you used to do in grade school when you wanted to flip somebody off but pretended to just scratch your nose.  Again…L to the O to the V to the E.

I’m quite enjoying this protective, rebellious Holly.  The new and improved 2015 model.

Then it was actually back to the ‘Dance’ part of Dance Moms.

MackZ and JoJo rehearsed their I Love Lucy routine.  MackZ seemed to have her act together, considering that she was in two group routines and a duet this week.  But she’s a pop star now, you know, so…

JoJo on the other hand, was straight up Lucy Ricardo, bumping into things and going in the wrong direction like she was coming down the stairs in a giant showgirl headpiece or something.  (Remember that episode?  Hilarious.)  JoJo clearly had some ‘splaining to do by the time Gianna and her big choreographer’s scarf came over to fix that hot mess.

Abby told JoJo to make sure she checked out TV Land so she might better understand the whole Lucy phenom, but the little tyke had already had done so and proved it by reciting (…in its entirety…word for word…for word…) the episode when Lucy and Ethel baked that gigantic loaf of bread.

And the bread kept expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.  And the bread pushed her all the way to the other side of the kitchen.  And then it kept expanding.  And then it kept expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.

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And my bow is so tight I don’t even know where I am right now.

Abby’s face, tho.

Kalani and Sarah were up next with their Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding Olympic smackdown duet.  If you’ve forgotten the actual attack video, or are too young to even know what I’m talking about, you totally need to Google it right now.

Because it’s a youtube classic.

And it’s also exactly how I act every Monday morning when I realize that the weekend is over and I really have to go back to work.

Picture it.  Me.  Laying on the floor.  Snacks everywhere.  Crying.  Whyyyy?  Whyyyy?

Somewhere around this point was also when Kira and Tracey began their descent into madness.  They hate each other.  Like OMG totes hate each other.  And they can fling mud like two hungry pigs in the back of a barnyard once you poke ‘em.

Side note:  It’s probably too late to get the kids out of the room on such short notice, so I apologize for what just happened.  I had no idea that Kira was going to show up wearing skintight pleather leggings and hooker stilettos.  Because she did.

I also had no idea that she was now part of whatever musical touring company that is that does the show where the ladies all wear fishnets or pleather leggings and top hats and sit backwards on bar chairs.

Kira just cracks me up.  We like her a whole bunch, even though sometimes she tries too hard to be the new Kristie Ray.  Which.  Is.  Impossible.

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(Shout out to Asia‘s Mom.  Miss you.  Muah!)

Tracey got nasty and blurted out that Kira doesn’t even have custody of her own son, which was somehow supposed to relate to Kalani’s place on the ALDC.  Somehow.

Boom went the dynamite.

Don’t you DARE bring Jax (…the son…) into this!  Don’t you DARE bring Jax into this!

One.  Not cool, Tracey.  Not cool at all.  Family is off limits.  Especially kids.

Two.  If you don’t want your son brought into the argument, you probably shouldn’t keep saying his name 50 times like you were ’bout to cut a bitch on VH1.

And then the bread kept expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.  And expanding.

Finally, it was Showtime.  And Ashlee’s pink dress time.  When did this show go all 3D?

You might wanna hike the top of that thing up a little honey, because it looks like you’re running with scissors.  And with kids in the room, I tell you.

As the girls got into their respective duet costumes, Holly pulled up a front row seat for the Tracey and Kira Floor Show as the two ladies completely lost their noodles backstage.

You wanna go there?  You don’t wanna go there.  Back and forth.  Back and forth.  The bread kept expanding and expanding until Tracey suddenly went from Bake Sale Mom to Bad Girls Club and got all OhNoYouDin’t with a finger wave and one of those MmmHmm head circles and two snaps in a Z formation screaming about Kira’s arrest record.

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Wait.  What?

Everyone started Googling police reports and TMZ videos and Smoking Gun mug shot pics on their cell phones and screaming about how Kira had a prior arrest for credit card fraud.  No way.  Yes way.  Arrested.  Credit card fraud.  No way.  Yes way.

And then Jill’s gum fell out of her mouth.

You really need to watch that scene a few times, paying special attention to Jill’s mouth and Holly’s entire HollyFace.

Holly doesn’t smoke (…and you shouldn’t either, kids…) but if she did you know she would’ve put her MattyB feet right up on that makeup table, lit up a Virginia Slim and watched the two of them go at it like it was the freakin’ Superbowl.

 L to the O…etc…

I don’t even remember how the argument ended, but it was probably when someone realized that the kids needed to be on stage five minutes ago and everyone scooted to their seats in the auditorium.

Arrested?  Close your mouth, Jill.  You’re catching flies.

Nancy and Tonya beat each other up on stage to the delight of everyone in the audience, with no real goobers or debilitating metal batons in the routine.

Lucy and Ethel started out ok, but then their music shut off.  Again.  Right in the middle of their dance.  Seriously?  Can somebody please teach Abby how to properly burn a CD or tell the judges to stop stepping on the iPod cords under the table every week?

How does this keep happening?

Backstage after all that silent movie drama, Abby asked JoJo’s Mom Jessalynn if she had even noticed that her daughter was facing backwards through most of the choreography.

jess

She had not.  Which Abby couldn’t believe, given the fact that Jessalynn is a dance teacher.  I don’t remember if I even knew that or not, but I certainly reacted like I had never heard it before.  Jessalynn?  Dancing?

And just so we’re clear:  Abby doesn’t tolerate mistakes, even though 92% of the CDs she hands in for competitions are 100% blank.

Go figure.

The Sad Clown group number was up next.  This is the routine that my MomCrush felt got all of Abby’s attention this week, even though most of the participants were not legal tender ALDC members.  She felt that the original team was neglected.

I felt that the buttons on the clown costumes looked like those candy dots you peel off wax paper.  But super-sized.  Which would be awesome.

And then Nia hit the stage with her backup dancers.  Because that’s exactly what happened.  Miss Thang owned that numbah.

Voulez Vous Coucher Avec Moi, Ce Soir.

Yaaaaaaasss, hunty!  Give me Moulin Rouge Face!  Yaaaaaaasss!  Yaaaaaaasss!

I know, right?  If everyone from Grey’s Anatomy can can cross over to other hospital shows, I don’t understand why Sasha Nia isn’t Death Dropping on Bring It! right now.

Why isn’t this a thing yet?  Lawd, my girl can Buck.

As Kira (…allegedly…) filled out a couple online applications for new black Amex Cards, the awards were handed out.  And that’s when it just got ugly.

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Lucy and Ethel only pulled a Fourth Place.  Some random team snagged First Place with a routine entitled ‘Thrift Shop, which I was bummed we didn’t get to see since I really like that song.

If you check the score sheets and do the math, that meant that Nancy and Tonya didn’t even place.  Because violence is never the answer, kids.

In the group category, (un)lucky Fourth Place again went to the ALDC for their Sad Clowns.  Despite the fact that the emcee was exceptionally excited and highly caffeinated, the Moulin Rouge number didn’t even place.  Nothing.  Nada.

That’s two no-shows in one competition, if you’re counting.

Backstage, everything went exactly as you’d expect it to go when the ALDC doesn’t win.

Hint:  Not good.

Abby realized that the girls were not ready to compete in Hollywood yet.  They needed to go back to Pittsburgh and regroup.  But not everyone.

I got a little concerned at first when Abby made it sound like anyone not going back to PA was going to be left in the lobby to die, but it wasn’t quite as dramatic as that.

Unfortunately, Sarah and her Mom were suddenly too old for the team and were sent home.  It was sad to see them go, especially since poor Sarah still had that pouty clown face thing happening, but it was also awkwardly hilarious the way Abby made them immediately grab their suitcases and exit the building like she was Donald Trump kicking Vivica Fox off Celebrity Apprentice.

Girl, bye.

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I’m pretty sure the two of them either got into a waiting yellow cab for their exit interview or just took off in Holly’s rental which you know was probably parked in a handicap spot.

Kidding.  Kidding.  We heart Holly.  And she would never do that.  That’s so wrong.

The rest of the girls made cuts by the skin of their teeth.  They were safe.

For now, anyway.

Despite the drama, the girls still learned a valuable lesson about integrity and commitment and how doing what’s right is a better reward than some shiny trophy.

Remember that.

As the splintered ALDC team gathered up all their toys and got ready to go home, Abby left all the remaining Moms with one piece of advice:  Don’t do to your kids what Christi did to hers.  Which was a little odd, considering that Chloe is making a name for herself at another studio now, traveling the world and rapidly gaining on MattyB’s Three Billion social media hits.  It’s not like she’s panhandling in front of Dunkin Donuts somewhere.

So it’s back to Pittsburgh now.

See you there, suckahs.

PS…Don’t forget Nia’s new song comes out next Tuesday.

If you’re looking for more backup dancers, you know where to find me, Boo.

Love you.  Mean it.

Buy bye, Hollywood.

xoxo

nj

Dance Moms: It’s The Wild Wild West Coast, Part One. Turn Up The Track…MattyB Is In The ALDC Hizzle, Yo!

Wednesday, February 18th, 2015

mm

 

 

So proud of you for getting the lead role, Baby. I just thought Justin Bieber would be taller in person.

 

 

js

 

 

I’m super excited for the Lucy & Ethel duet. Ethel Merman has always been one of my idols!

 

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If I’m sweeping for this whole video, I swear I’m gonna go completely LaQuifa on somebody’s a**.

 

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One. Billion. Views.

 

 

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No, really. Are you just gonna sit there all day or you gonna get up and get me my milkshake, lady?

 

mz

 

 

 

 

My life, tho.

 

 

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These chicks be straight crazy, yo.

 

 

 

 

Lights.  Camera.  Action.

Take One.  Take Two.  Take ‘em all, if you want.  You can have ‘em.

And while you’re at it, maybe you could send over that tiny waitress with some scrambled eggs and a side of hash browns, cuz all this Hollywood stuff is making me hungry.

Can you believe it?  It’s already the final seven days of the 2015 Los Angeles Road Trip for our Dance Moms crew.  Seems like Abby Lee Miller & Co. just arrived in California and now they’re already packing up their hair bows and plastic jewelry for the return trip home.  Time really flies when you’re singing and dancing and screaming and crying.

But don’t you worry.  There was still so much West Coast Mama Drama left to squeeze in that they had to make it a two-parter this week.  The trip that never ended.

And speaking of this whole trip.  I thought the whole point of this thing was to uproot everyone and open a shiny new studio (…“ALDC LA is happening, kids”…) and never look back at Pittsburgh, PA again.  Wasn’t that what Abby kept holding over everyone’s head all last season?  Or did I just make that part up in my head?

And was it just me, or did this whole thing kinda feel like that time when the Brady Bunch went to Hawaii?  (…For today’s performance, the role of Alice will be played by Gianna Martello…) When you saw the same people you already know, but they were all wearing different clothes and being filmed outside in the wind a lot?m

Like when you knew that Greg was probably not going to die the night that gigantic tarantula crawled onto his bed and yet the whole thing still felt a little off and secretly you couldn’t wait for them all to fly back home to Pittsburgh and just dance and have a normal meal of pork chops and apple sauce for a change.

That sentence didn’t even make sense.

But that’s probably why Holly stated more than once that the LA trip was not what she expected.  And Dr. Beyoncé always speaks the truth.  Because she is awesome sauce.

Which is even better than apple sauce.  Way better.

And thinking of Holly just made me think of Nia.  Can we discuss Nia’s hair this week?

On.  Point.  Sasha.  On.  Point.

It was definitely their last week in LA. and probably the earliest that I’ve ever gotten completely off track in a recap.  So let’s get to the Pyramid of Shame and keep this thing moving, because it’s gonna be a long one.

Maddie was MIA again as the Pyramid began.  This week she was off at Disneyland somewhere filming an episode of Austin & Ally, which I guess must be a show about two people named Austin and Ally.  I can’t watch everything out there, people.

To fill the Ziegler Void, Abby announced that she would be bringing in two additional dancers who just happened to be standing on the other side of the studio doors at that very moment.  And then right on cue, in walked former ALDC Junior Elite/Select/I Forget Which One dancer Sarah Reasons and her Mom Tracey.  

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Insert disgusted Kira Girard Face here: _________________.

Reverse Spoiler Alert:  Not sure why Kira acted so surprised to see her arch nemesis Tracey in the building since Tracey was freakin’ sitting behind them at last week’s competition.  For realz.  Right there, behind Abby’s big ol’ bouffant.

Busted.  These Lifetime post-production editors need to either start blurring out the faces of these surprise cameo guest stars or stop filming them looking over Abby’s shoulder through an entire Sheer Talent extravaganza.  Tracey’s nosey, BTW.

Last season, Sarah was known as Sarah R. to avoid any potential confusion with other similarly named, less emotionally stable dancers, but now that the show has driven away most of the Sarahs and Christis of the world, she’s just plain old Sarah again.

And hot on her heels was a brand new face to the ALDC…Brynn Rumfallo and her Mom Ashlee.  Another mortal enemy from Arizona.  Brynn kinda sorta looked like a slightly bigger version of the other not-Sarah R. and Ashlee had hair that was darker at the bottom and underneath.  I don’t know what you call that style.  (…‘So Last Year’ maybe?…)

Ouch.  Snap.  Went there.

I don’t know who’s left at Kira’s old Arizona dance studio since they’re all in California now.

And how ’bout Nia’s hair this week?  Did we already mention that?  On.  Point.

Clearly, we’re wasting too much valuable time this week, so I’ll just skip the rest of the Pyramid to speed things up.  Except for the part where Kendall was on top.  Because that’s important.  You go, gurrrl.  Well deserved.  XOXO.

My MomCrush Jill was beyond thrilled.  And she’s my MomCrush, so there’s that.

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And then JoJo cried.  And then she got kicked off the team and out of the room.  But then she pulled a quick U-turn and came bouncing right back in to apologize for crying like a little kid (…PS she is a little kid…) and for being too scared to watch an R-rated movie all by herself in a dark hotel room.

I still can’t believe Abby wanted this little squirt to watch the movie Carrie last week.  That ain’t rite.  Mom Jessalynn is already spending too much money on hair accessories and Clairol Root Touch-Up.  She doesn’t need to write another check for psychotherapy.

This week the gang was headed to Starbound National Talent Competition.  Sarah and Kalani scored a duet based on the infamous Nancy Kerrigan vs. Tonya Harding 1994 Winter Olympic ice skating fiasco.  The one where Tonya had someone bonk Nancy’s knee with a socket wrench, sending her into a crumpled mess on the floor like she had just lost the entire limb in a wood chipper.

Drama Queen much?

The other duet went to MackZ and JoJo, who were paying tribute to Lucy Ricardo and Ethel Mertz.  Not gonna lie.  Part of me hopes it’s going to be the episode where JoJo gets a giant trophy stuck on her head.

There were also two group routines to learn, but since they don’t really happen until next week we’ll just skim over those until Part Two.  The big dealio with having two dances to learn was that Abby had to bring in guest choreographer Molly Long to work with one team, while the other team (…comprised of mostly newbies…) got all of Abby’s attention.

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No wonder Holly has taken matters into her own hands nowadays.  Enough, already.  Don’t screw with a Mother’s Love.

As all the various dances were rehearsed over the next few days, the Moms were running out of patience with pretty much everything that was going down around them.  This was not the plan when the Original Recipe Moms all left Pittsburgh.  Especially the part that included New Moms in the mix.

We also got a delightful flashback to a Classic Dance Moms Moment from last season when Kira flipped out on Tracey one night when all the Old and New Moms were out having cocktails.  You remember.  It was that time when the two of them ran after each other down some random hallway while Holly hoarded every wine glass on the table and Jill and Christi wore matching fur coats.

Gah, those were good times.  I miss Chloe.

With only four days to go before competition, Abby got a surprise call from Blake Morris.

On her cell.  On speakerphone.  Because that’s how it’s done in Reality TV.

Blake is the Father/Manager of “internet artist” MattyB.  Which is totally the way he introduced himself on the phone and which is also totally the way I hope my Dad will one day have to identify himself to strangers.

Who’s MattyB, you ask?  Srsly?  Clearly, you are not a 9 year old girl if you have to ask that stupid question.

Now, before anyone spams my inbox, let me preface this by stating that I am also a cute little white boy.  So it’s ok for me to point out that MattyB is the cutest, littlest, whitest boy that youtube has ever seen.  Ever.

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And he raps, yo.  Granted, he does it in that new little white boy line of clothing from J.Crew, but when you’re 11 years old and have ONE BILLION social media hits under your nautical web belt you can freakin’ get gangsta in a Pokémon onesie for all I care.

This kid owns youtube right now.

He also owns a really good head of pre-teen/pre-DBag Justin Bieber hair.

(Spoiler alert:  Enjoy it while you can, cowboy.  Your Dad’s a really nice guy, but…)

Dad wanted the ALDC girls to audition for MattyB’s new music video.  OMG.

Nia got all giggly.  MackZ just ran in circles bumping into things.  Kendall professed her love for MattyB.  Even though he is slightly height challenged at the moment, once his voice changes and he has a spurt or two, she would be willing to revisit the possibility of marrying him and having 100 perfect-haired babies.

As soon as the introductory speakerphone call was over, Abby and Melissa were all like AwHellNahMackenzieAin’tDancingBackUpForNobodyCuzShe’sAlreadyAMusicStar until Holly casually mentioned the whole One Billion Thang and then all of the sudden they were pulling out headshots like they were popping Tic Tacs.

It was pre-tween chaos.

Quickly followed by a commercial for Born In The Wild where we got to see pixelated crotch shots of women having babies in the rain forest.

What the What?  Is nobody working in the Lifetime offices on Tuesday nights anymore?

I can’t.  I just can’t anymore.

(Check out Nia’s hair while we’re here…)nk

Finally, it was Music Video Audition Time!

Blake and Video Director Marshall Manning showed up at the studio to give the girls some deets on the upcoming audition process.  It’s nice they could take a break from their JCPenney catalog plaid shirt photo shoot, because that’s totally what they were doing before they arrived.

(Spoiler Alert:  Nobody in MattyB’s posse is allowed to tuck their shirt in.  It’s in the contract, I swear.  Check out every scene from now until the end credits.  If I’m lying I’m dying.)

I really liked Marshall.  He was all Hollywood and Boy Band and Joey Tribbiani from Friends in one neatly trimmed package.  There was a lot of good hair this week.

Marshall wanted the ‘essence of a child’ for this video, which I prayed was the dancing kind and not the kind that had just been delivered on a bed of wet pine needles in the back woods of Maine.

Go back and watch that commercial.  I just can’t in HD anymore.

The next day, choreographer Erik Saradpon joined the MattyB party to lead the auditions.  It was guest stars galore this week, I tell you.

There was also a third gentleman who was not allowed to speak or give his name who sat in between Marshall and Blake at the American Idol table, as well as a waiter from Vanderpump Rules wearing a sleeveless (…untucked…) lumberjack shirt and ski beanie who was in charge of the iPod.

But my all-time favorite dude (…maybe in the entire history of television so far…) had to be MattyB’s Stunt Man who stepped in to lip sync into an invisible microphone while shaking it like a Polaroid frat party picture.

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I swear.

Lose the pants, take away the oversized striped hoodie t-shirt and some of the underaged girls dancing backup and that’s exactly how I look in the shower every morning.  And exactly how I didn’t want that sentence to sound when it came out of my mouth.

Side note:  From now on when the conversation gets this uncomfortable I think it’s best if I just awkwardly back out of the room and remind everyone how amazing Nia’s hair looked this week.  Because it did.

On.  Point.

The girls danced and did some vocals to secure their spots in the video.  Some could sing.  Some not so much.  JoJo was so thirsty for a part in the production that she almost tackled the fake MattyB a few times before he threw himself threw a glass window to escape like a true stunt man.

And then finally…again…it was Music Video Showtime!

And Maddie was back for some reason.  I’m pretty sure they just CGI edited her back into the final scene this week for her Sia fans, because she didn’t talk or move the whole time she was standing next to Kendall in the parking lot.

The whole theme of the video shoot was a 1950s Doo Wop diner looking thing with 1940s Andrew Sisters looking hair, because we all know what a big deal rap music was to all those crazy rebellious kids from the 1940s and 1950s.

MattyB was in the hizzle now and you could literally hear a high pitched squeal almost shatter the ozone above all 50 states every time somebody put his face on screen.

hf

The girls were all dressed as waitresses and paired up with the cleanest looking greaser boys in MB varsity jackets I’ve ever seen.  MackZ ended up getting the lead waitress role while the rest of the girls were put into different on-camera tiers based on screen time and speed of delivering food to the tables while it was still hot.

As production began, Abby was now the one MIA so Melissa gave her a call to figure out her location and see what was taking her so long to get to the shoot.

The short version, since we’re going OT here:  Abby was having second thoughts about MackZ being in the video without any top billing, given her Mariah Carey pop star status and all.  Unfortunately, Melissa had already signed some kind of contract that gave away MackZ’s Star Status and First Born to MattyB and his Dad.

Abby quickly arrived at the diner, pulling Blake aside and asking him to speak with some attorney that she had sitting on hold regarding MackZ’s sumthin sumthin, but Blake was too busy to be bothered.  Plus, Melissa had already signed a different sumthin sumthin.

And Double Plus, MattyB has One Billion hits on social media and you don’t.

None of you do, actually.  How’s that feel right about now?

Then Abby gave Melissa the Stink Eye.  Big Time Stink Eye.

Abby was having second thoughts about the whole thing and was contemplating yanking all the girls out of the video, which would basically shut down the production.  Except that it was almost completed already.  And MattyB had already tweeted out the finished project to his bazillion groupies during the episode.

And it’s already up to 900,000 plus views on youtube.

Again.  Editing, people.

But Nia’s hair was amazeballs and Holly isn’t taking any more crap this season.

I guess next week we’ll see how it all works out in Part Two.

Are you ready, JoJo?

lucy


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