Posts Tagged ‘Abby Lee Dance Company’

Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Dress It Up And Throw It Down. Seeing Red Is The New Black.

Wednesday, April 23rd, 2014

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Wah Wah Wah. I’ve got three shows and you all have none.

 

 

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All children should be supported. And you’d know that if you’d ever buy my damn book, woman.

 

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I specifically texted that I was wearing my one shoulder dress. I swear I’m gonna kill her.

 

 

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Not gonna lie. This season, the Mama Drama has been almost as big as my pocket square.

 

 

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That’s right, honey. I’m giving you some Bump-It Push Up Bra Over It Dance Mom Side Eye.

 

 

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C-Dawg…check it out. She’s gotta be wearing Spanx, cuz I swear that’s her kid’s Easter dress.

 

 

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I’m just gonna lay here until everyone stops yelling.

 

 

 

 

I blame Andy Cohen.

Or maybe that After The Final Rose guy.

Both of them, actually.

They’re the ones who decided that every television program in America (…with the exception of The Puppy Bowl and that one where they’re always looking for Big Foot…) is now required to have a Reunion Show.  That way we get to spend more quality time with our favorite cast members, while they get to have the exact same argument they’ve had all season but in fancier clothes.

This week it was the Dance Moms chance to bling it and bring it.

Not gonna lie.  I have a love/hate relationship with these ALDC Reunion Shows.  I love seeing my ladies, especially since we’re all BFFs now.  (Hey, gurlz!)  But there are still so many unanswered questions after all these years that are driving me crazy.

Like where in the world is thing thing being taped?  I can’t decide if they broke into Kelly‘s basement while she and the kids were at the recording studio or if it’s an Elks Lodge or an actual local TV news studio or what.

And where do they find these audience members?  Did I miss a Facebook contest or something?  Because I totally would have entered since not one person has invited me to a single taping in four years.

The crowd was especially quirky this time around.  I swear it was all the same people from the ShamWow infomercial.  Am I right?

There wasn’t one kid in the audience.  Just the most random cross section of adults oohing and ahhing every time Jeff Collins wiped up spills without scratching any delicate surfaces.  Order before midnight tonight and he’ll probably double the quantity.

But wait.  There’s more!

Let’s be honest.  Half the fun of Reunion Shows is the anticipation of what’s gonnna go down when they actually air.  Last week all we saw in online previews was Porsha Stewart dragging Kenya Moore across the floor by her Real Housewives of Atlanta weave and Nia‘s Mom Holly pointing all over the room like some crazed gospel traffic cop telling you to sit yourself down and be quiet.

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So you knew it was going to be a good couple of days in Reunion Land.

I couldn’t wait to get the party started.

My boy Jeff began the show as he always does, nervously introducing his one-on-one with Abby Lee Miller.  JC’s my bro, but he still doesn’t seem to have warmed up to this whole Host Thang yet.  I think Abby makes him nervous.  Luckily, he had the world’s largest pocket square easily accessible in case he needed to blot up any flop sweat.

Did you see that thing?  I swear it kept growing throughout the hour.  I was waiting for one of the Moms to pull it out like one of those 12 foot long rainbow clown scarves until his boxer shorts actually popped out of his suit coat lapel.

Jeff started the conversation on a somber note by noting the passing of Abby’s Mom Maryen Lorrain Miller.  Since it’s still very raw…and clearly too soon…I will not be commenting on how Maryen was buried with her husband’s ashes and a taxidermied dog.

One.  Because at this time it would be completely insensitive.  And Two.  Because I’m not sure that ‘taxidermied’ is actually a real word.  It’s just one of those strange ones that doesn’t look right when you see it typed out on a page.

When the time is right, though, I have a couple of good zingers.  Trust me.

Moving on from the burial, Jeff steered the conversation to the Slap Heard Round The World and called for Christi to join them on the couch.

I swear this show is just as much fun with the volume turned off.

As Christi appeared from the back of who knows where in the best Mother/Daughter Pageant dress evah, did you catch Abby’s full-on up and down eyeball scan of her outfit?

I had a moment.

Flashback #1:  The Slap.  Kelly in her Charlie Brown sweater biffing Abby in the makeup room in front of all the kids.

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Girls!  Out of the Room!  Girls!  Out of the Room!  Girls!  Out of the Room!

One.  Sometimes I love Dr. Holly so much it’s borderline inappropriate.  Two.  I’ve said it before…I didn’t think it was possible, but that scene is even better if you turn the volume down again and pretend Holly’s singing Beyoncé‘s Who Runs the World?  Girls!

I bet she cleared out her entire old school in under 6.5 minutes on Fire Drill Day.

Holly, I mean.  Not  Queen Bey.

Flashback #2:  Christi and Abby in the hallway getting up in each other’s face.  Same as they were doing right now at the Reunion, just not in their gowns.

Going forward, I’ve decided to take a page from Jeff’s book and whenever the situation around me gets too tense just awkwardly change the subject.

Christi about to take off her shoes and settle this thing once and for all?  Let’s just put a pin in that discussion, shall we?

And nothing relieves stress like Drag Queens.  The Kinky Boots dance was spliced in right here before things got too ugly.

Payton wasn’t wearing all her RuPaul makeup this time, but Maddie still had that odd George Washington wig sitting sideways on her head.  Nia showed everyone how you’re supposed to do a Death Drop and then sashayed away like a Boss.

They also snuck in a Chloe solo before Abby accused Christi of dropping the F Bomb 11 times in one sentence.  Coming close to making it an even dozen, Christi pointed out that Kristie Ray used to say it all the time.  And new Mom Kira says it all the time.  And then I said it a couple times because nobody talks smack about my girl Kristie.  Aw Hell Naw.

All I could picture was Asia Monet Ray‘s Mom sitting at home watching the show, flapping her earrings and swearing at the screen when Christi called her out.  Except you wouldn’t actually be able to hear Kristie swearing because her gigantic husband would be in the kitchen using the blender to make a protein shake.  I miss my girls.

Jeff then asked for Melissa to join them on the set so they could finally get to the bottom of who knew what and when about the whole Maddie and Kalani duet scandal.

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If you don’t know what that’s all about…Google it.  I think it’s been going on for about two years, so it would take too long to recap.  Just know that somebody may or may not have lied about knowing a duet was about to maybe or maybe not take place.  A duet that would rock the core of the Dance Moms World.

Lying is bad.  Always tell the truth, kids.  The More You Know.

Right about now was when Christi felt she was being set up, which led to a few hectic Moments of Chaos.

Not to be confused with Moments of Clarity, which you can still buy here.

I’m Done!  I’m Done!  Christi stormed off the set because Holly and my MomCrush Jill weren’t out there to back her up against Melissa and Abby.  Some poor production guy got caught on camera taking off his headset like that was gonna solve anything.  I think his ears were bleeding from audio feedback.

Holly came out in a seriously sparkly cocktail dress (…Dang, Gurrrl…) then panicked and turned to run out the back door, but Jill was blocking the exit.

Everyone was bumping into each other and trying to figure out which end was up like they used to do on I Love Lucy.  Holly and Jill eventually made it all the way to the couch and everyone got back to bidnezz.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Werk that one shoulder mini, Mama V.  Somebody’s been doing their Prancercize.  Official DanThat’sCool Stamp of Approval.

And then my prayers were answered.  The Dr. Beyoncé Show officially premiered.

Holly wasn’t having it.  Hold up.  She even called out the entire infomercial audience for applauding when Abby stated that she made all the decisions at the ALDC, and if she wanted to cut Nia from something she was gonna cut Nia from something.

The solo.  Or the group number.  Or both if they were short on costumes.

Boom.  What if that was your child?  Fingers everywhere.  Talk to the Hand.

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The whole thing kept escalating as they flashbacked to all the Moms in that basement hallway not trusting Melissa.  Jill just wanted Melissa to own it if she lied about the duet and for everyone else to notice she had lubed up her one exposed shoulder with that new Bath & Body lotion that shimmers when you Gangnam Style.

Somewhere in the middle of all this madness Maddie and Kalani’s duet was performed so new viewers would at least have a tiny clue what was even happening right now.  I forget exactly where it got inserted.

And then Jeff got nervous and changed the subject again.  Speaking of Switcheroos (…a grown man actually used that terminology…) have there been other costume issues?

One.  Switcheroos?  Really?  Two.  Was it just me, or did that question kind of imply that he doesn’t actually watch his own show?

And then it got good.  With that one question, Holly took over.  I’ll take it from here, Jeff.

Why is Nia either/or?  What other kid is either/or?  More fingers.  More talking to the Hand.

It was everything you’ve always loved about Holly.  Just dialed up a few 100 notches.

The entire Twitterverse started dinging and was all like PREACH! and TESTIFY! and Laquifa What? and I literally fell out of my pew onto the floor.  Honestly, I don’t know how my big hat even stayed on through the whole service.

I love how Holly can finally reach the boiling point with all this madness but still maintain her dignity.  Girlfriend laid it out like hot asphalt.  Stick a fork in it.  Hashtag: Done.

Jeff blotted a little and then introduced Mackenzie‘s solo.  Which was really Maddie’s old solo.  It was ok, but what we really needed was A Girl Party!

Or Leslie, I guess.  Because it’s definitely a party whenever she shows up to play.

As Payton’s Mom joined the ladies, I realized that there’s something about her that I’m starting to like.  I don’t know if it’s the No Filter part or what, but something about Leslie just cracks me up.  I have to admit that my previously guarded opinion of Mama Ackerman is going up faster than the smiley face prices are falling at Walmart.

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Flashback #I Lost Count: Leslie blowing a major backstage nutty when Payton didn’t have a costume.  More FBombs and then some classic Miller vs. Ackerman.

Then a Maddie solo.  The tap dance one, which Jeff just realized was her favorite.  Again…does he watch this show?

As the hour ran down, there was just enough time to bring out Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and all her Evil Dance Lair Candy Apples Drama.

Not really sure what’s been happening with her dresses or her dance team this season.

Flashback #28867: Cathy pulling her group number ten seconds before they were supposed to hit the stage.  You’re a coward.  HollyFaces.  Screaming.  More HollyFaces.

And then Jeff pulled up his Bitchy Britches and said “That’s a good lead in to the next week.  When you still didn’t win.”

Oh, snap.  Girl, you did not just go there.

Before Cathy could rip off his face like a rabid monkey, Jeff introduced the infamous Witches of East Canton dance where the girls all wore spider web hats and subliminally flipped off Cathy on an eight count.

Big whoop.  Cathy felt that all it really proved was that Abby is more worried about the Candy Apples than they are of the ALDC.  Abby shrugged it off.  Holly was still angrily fidgeting in her seat.  I tried to remember if Melissa had even spoken during the show.

I think she stuck up for Maddie once and then just sat there.  I’m not sure.

With about 90 seconds left in the show, Jeff suddenly realized that he had forgotten to bring out Kalani’s Mom.

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I hope Kira kept the tags on that new dress, because unless she got makeup on it or Christi threw another drink, she could totally return it as unused.

Kira looked pretty fly and didn’t have any complaints.  She really has enjoyed her time on the show thus far, which kind of made Jeff sad.  Next time…more drama, please.

They all chit chatted about the New & Improved Elite Competition Team and how that was all going to play out in the end.  Some of the Old Moms were still snarking on Kalani a little, but Abby quickly pointed out that all the other girls got better as soon as the AUDC Alum showed up at the studio.

Dr. Beyoncé had one last parting nugget about the loss of two members from the original Team has left the remaining girls feeling vulnerable and that she…

Good Night.

Wait.  What?

Just like that.  Right in the middle of the sentence, Jeff shut it down.

Party’s over.

Just for awhile, though.  There’s still another half season of Dance Moms to come, whenever that happens.

And Abby’s Studio Rescue show.

And Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition is still around.

So there’s plenty more Abby where that came from, don’t you worry.

Right now we’re just taking a quick breather.

No more FBombs for a few weeks.

We’ll see you when the gang’s all back together.

Kristie.  F***ing wave good night to everyone so we can go home, will ya?

Buh bye.

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Dance Moms: Lights! Camera! Dance! Jump On The Bed And Then Shuffle Off To Buffalo For One Last Tribute.

Wednesday, April 9th, 2014

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I never actually looked at the back of her head before. How does she even make it do that?

 

 

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Oh yeah, Boyeez. There’s a new Christy in town.

 

 

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If she wants some Jackson 5 Realness, how ’bout I dangle one of these babies over the railing?

 

 

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Aw Hell Naw. I know they didn’t just slap that damn ‘Bring It!’ on top of me when my hair is looking so on point. Srsly?

 

 

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I’m just saying it looks like a blue bathrobe. Don’t ask my opinion if you don’t wanna hear it.

 

 

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Just tell her that she does NOT want me coming down there snapping my fingers in a Z formation.

 

 

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Lawd, just gimme the strength to not turn around and snatch that cell phone right outta her sweaty paws.

 

 

 

Warning:  Dance Moms was a downer again.

Not as much of a downer as last week’s sob fest, but you still needed to dab the kleenex a few times as everyone continued to deal with the declining health of Abby‘s Mom Maryen Lorrain Miller.  It was getting real and raw now.

Luckily, though, there was also enough craziness and random Mama Drama to distract those of us who prefer their reality to be…ummm…a little less real, thank you.

There was a lot going on this week, so after a quick front desk tear jerker with Melissa, Abby got right down to business.  Her job was to keep going and that’s what she was going to do.  The Pyramid of Shame doesn’t care if you’re sad or not.

As everyone fell into position, Abby was quick to point out that it was time to start getting tough.  Thirteen wins in a row was nice, but fourteen would be nicer.

No pressure, of course.

Oh.  And next week the new ALDC competition team would be arriving.  So, yeah…on second thought…maybe a little pressure.

And how ’bout that new team?  I don’t know what train they’re traveling on, but it must be making stops at every corner because it has taken them for-ev-er to get to Pittsburgh.  Abby has been dangling this make believe team over the Original Recipe kids’ heads since last season.

But next week they would finally be in the building and my psychic powers are already telling me that at least one of them stuffed a KrazyMom in their suitcase.  So get psyched.

On top of all that exciting news, there was also Mackenzie‘s gangstah rap music video to deal with this week.  And maybe even an actual dance competition if they could squeeze it in between everything else going on at the studio.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was home to Nia, Kendall and Kalani.

Nia had been cut from the group number last week, so she was stuck on the bottom as punishment.  Mom Holly clearly did not agree with that decision and was so mad that she went to the salon and got herself an updo just to spite Abby.

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Srsly, chile.  Girlfriend is werkin’ that new hair this season.  If you were taking shots every time Dr. Beyoncé changed looks this week you probably didn’t make it past the third commercial break.  Once you sober up, you might want to check the videotape.

Amazeballs.

Kendall was in the bottom because she came in Second in the last competition, which is not the same as coming in First.  And Kalani just seemed to be scotch taped next to Kendall in order to make room for Maddie on the top.

The mezzanine level was all about MackZ and Chloe.  MackDiddy got mad props for learning a dance and laying down recording studio tracks all in the same week (…never too young to learn good multi-tasking skills I always say…) while Chloe followed Kalani’s lead and got the heck outta the way so Maddie could be back on top.

This week the gang was headed to The Masters of Dance Arts in Buffalo, NY where all the routines would be performed as tributes to Abby’s Mom and her amazing career.

Chloe scored a 1950′s themed “Friday Night” sock hop soda pop solo, which represented how much Abby’s Mom loved watching Laverne & Shirley, while Maddie scored a “Come To The Cabaret” solo because I guess Maryen knew Liza Minelli or something.

The group dance was basically Maddie’s old “Amazing Grace” routine reworked with backup dancers.  All the girls would be in the number, except for MackTheKnife who was needed on set for her MTV debut.

Even though Chloe had made the cut for the MackZ video last week, she got yanked at the last minute to stay at the studio and work on her solo with James, some ALDC choreographer who suddenly materialized out of nowhere with duct tape covering the logos on his shirt.

I’ll never understand why people do that.  If you know you’re going to be filmed today, why do you always show up wearing a shirt with logos on it and then run all around looking for plumber’s tape?  How about you just wear a black tee shirt?

Macy’s sells a 3-pack for $19.99 fercryinoutloud.  And there’s always a coupon.

While Chloe and James did their best to make sure Nike didn’t get any free advertising, everyone else headed to Melissa’s house for some straight up video chaos.

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An ‘on location shoot’ as they say in the biz.

Yup.  MackZ’s video was being filmed in her own bedroom, which was filled with so many colors and patterns and bouncy things that the scene should have probably had one of those disclaimers crawling across the bottom of the screen like you see when strobe lights are being used at a concert.

You just know that somebody in Idaho had a seizure before they even finished downloading the damn song off iTunes.

The whole extravaganza was being directed by Andrew, who can no proudly say that on national television he traded in his ManCard for his SAG card just by showing 200 tweeny boppers at a sleepover how to scream “What We Need Is A Girl Party!” with so much authenticity that it made me uncomfortable.  Dude.  Let’s not do that again, ok?

While Andrew pushed MackWhack off the bed so he and Abby could jump on it themselves, the Moms were all downstairs where the real party was happening.

Couple of things.

One.  I’m not gonna say I told you so.  But I told you so.

Didn’t I just say last week that my MomCrush Jill was waiting to unleash some of her signature Vertes Couture on us when we least expected it?  You know I did.

Whoop der it is.  Crazy fur.

Not as crazy as the blue bathrobe that she wore in the MomPerch later on in the episode.  But still classic Jill.

So, yeah.  I was right about that.  But I was wrong when I said that I couldn’t possible love her any more this week than I did last week.  Because now I do.

I think it’s probably because I know she stole that bathrobe from Canyon Ranch and I secretly want her to take me with her the next time she goes on a Girls’ Weekend Spa Retreat.  Whatever.

Two.  Didn’t the Moms look like they were on The View, all sitting around on those leather couches discussing today’s Hot Topics?  Holly even made a WhoopeeFace a few times.

Three.  I bet Melissa’s house smells like Homegoods potpourri and waffles.  It just looks like the kind of place that would have Eggos in the freezer.

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Anyway.  Casa Ziegler was crawling with Old Moms and New Moms and so much commotion that I got a little car sick when everyone was in the same room.  Some never before seen ALDC Moms were in the hizzle for the fo’ shizzle video shoot, including big girl Christy (…with a ‘Y’…) whose daughter Sarah was up on the second floor with her head stuck in the staircase railing.

I think all of the Von Trapp kids were actually up on that overhang with Abby.  I was waiting for it to collapse like those fire escapes you always see on the news.

Melissa hates Christy with a Y for some reason.  I don’t know if she hates her more than she hated Kristie with a K last season, but definitely more than she hates Christi with an I on a bad day.

All I really know is that there’s probably a Pittsburgh cop specifically assigned to the Dance Moms detail by now, because Melissa threatened to call 911 if Christy with a Y didn’t yank her kid’s head out of the banister and get the hell outta her house after she did or said something that probably involved Maddie.

The next day, the video was in the can and the girls were back to rehearsing.  The Moms were in the MomPerch.  Melissa was squirting the biggest tube of lip balm onto her face that I’ve ever seen.  And my MomCrush was a vision in blue.

Bucket List:  Go to the Mall with Jill and see her in her natural habitat.  We could hang out in JCPenney while Holly’s gettin’ her hair did.

Downstairs, Abby was picking on Nia again.  So much so that she actually sent Nia upstairs to get her Mom, who was not in the mood at all.

Side note:  After months of in depth scientific research and studies, I’ve found a direct correlation between the curl in Holly’s hair and her level of sassiness.  It’s true.

And Mama set it on the big rollers today, if you know what I mean.

Snap.  And then another snap.  Any questions?

We also got to watch Maddie rehearse and see Abby cry.  Her Mom was slipping away, so she would not be going to the competition.  Which was sad, but also meant that Gianna could be large and in charge again this week.  She’s a tough cookie.

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Gia even wore lipstick in her headshot interview, so you know she meant business.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And hiking in the snow time.

Seriously.  How far away did they park?  Did you see them trekking down the sidewalk?

Backstage in the makeup room, it was the usual backstage in the makeup room drama.  Melissa had gotten a text earlier in the week that Studio Larkin would be at the competition, which was apparently a pretty big deal since everyone was already starting to unravel before any of the girls were even dressed.

Speaking of things escalating quickly.  Somehow everyone started bickering over New Team vs. Old Team and then Christi with an I got (bleeped) out for swearing about Maddie and Kalani being new BFF besties.

Turns out that Maddie (…allegedly…) had talked some smack right up in Chloe’s face and then everyone in the room pig piled onto the argument.

The password is:  Favoritism.

Dr. Beyoncé even compared Abby’s seemingly random weekly exclusion of various girls to the way the Jackson 5 used to always forget to put Tito on the tour bus.

Holly has a PhD in Motown, you know.  True story.

Eventually, they even got to some actual dancing.

The Larkin Ladies were in the row behind our Dance Moms.  One of them didn’t look up from her Samsung Galaxy for the entire competition, so I’m not really sure why she even made the trip.  Not rude at all, right?

There was also a judge that was either a boy or a girl.  Just felt that needed to be said.

Maddie’s solo was a Maddie solo.  It was Broadway, baby.

As opposed to Broadway Baby.  RIP.

Chloe nailed her solo, getting all Shooby Dooby Wop Wop all over the stage.  It was fun to watch, even though that Larkin Lady missed the whole thing.

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Right before the group routines, we got a glimpse of some unnamed dance troupe doing some kind of Wizard of Oz flashmob and it totally cracked me up.  I’ll be youtubing that bad boy later, don’t you worry.

The Studio Larkin team’s dance was great.  But it should be, since I’m pretty sure that all the girls were in their early 30s.  What the–?

They also all had the same color hair and looked like some Stepford Wives meets Radio City Rockettes mad scientist experiment.  At first I thought that maybe the actual Larkin girls were stuck on the side of the road with a flat tire and the Moms had to go on in their place, but I dunno…

And then the ALDC team did their thing.  Chloe looked like she had somehow gotten taller while she was backstage changing out of her solo costume and Maddie came up off the stage floor like Lance Bass did in that *NSYNC marionette video.

Google it, kids.  There really was life before Bieber.  Trust me.

If MackZ’s psychedelic bedroom hadn’t already made you bite your own tongue off, those flashing light towers at the back of the stage probably did the job.

Gah, I hate those things.

And then it was over.  And so was the ALDC’s winning streak.

Studio Larkin took the top spot.  Gia and the girls took Second Place.

But this week wasn’t about the trophies.  It was about paying tribute to an amazing lady.

Even Abby said it.

Nobody could believe she said it.  But she said it.  And it was true.

Next week probably won’t be pretty.  At all.

But today was different.

And even more important than a trophy.

Today was for Mom.

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Dance Moms: Family Comes First. But Winning Is Certainly A Close Second When It Comes To Cheers And Tears.

Wednesday, April 2nd, 2014

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You got about two seconds to get that hand off m’weave before the s*** starts getting real in here.

 

 

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If she don’t put me in that video I swear I’ll snap the heads off all her Barbies when I get home.

 

 

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Mack Baby Z is in the hizzle, yo. It’s gonna be dope. And I have no idea what I’m talking about. 

 

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Put on your biggest Kardashian hair and pucker up those Instagram lips. It’s time for a Girl Party!

 

 

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Not trying to throw my education in yo’ face, but it doesn’t take a damn PhD to count six costumes.

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I know you see me back here watching you. I’m watching you so hard, Gurl.

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The hellz this s***?

 

 

 

Grab your Capezio bag and a box of Kleenex, kids.

It’s time to dance your face off.  And cry your eyes out.

Dance Moms was a downer this week.  A big ol’ downer.

No other way to describe it, as the show dealt with family responsibility, growing old, illness and the impending passing of Abby‘s Mom Maryen Lorrain Miller .

Basically all the grown up stuff that I try to avoid at all costs.  If you’ve been hanging around here for any time at all then you already know that I’ll do anything to avoid having an adult conversation.  And this week was no different.  But if we all stick together, support each other and make fun of a few people, I know we can get through this.

There was definitely more crying and less screaming this week as everyone tried to come to terms with the inevitable.  A lot of crying, actually.  Little kids crying.  Big kids crying.  Moms crying.  Even some group crying thrown in there to make sure we all went to bed in a really bad mood on a school night.

Grab Your Kleenex Moments, as they say.

If that’s not your thing, I’ll do my best to warn you ahead of time if anything mopey is about to go down.  That way you can either skim over it like nothing bad ever happens in real life, or save it for when you’re all alone and nobody can see you ugly cry.

Coming off twelve straight wins in a row, the ALDC Team was already sniffing out #13.  A dozen wins later and they still hadn’t run out of steam.  Just rhymes.

Gone were the ‘Eleven is Heaven’ and ‘Twelve on the Shelve(s)’ chants.  Now it was just Lucky Thirteen, like they weren’t even trying to be clever anymore.  Just win the damn thing, already.  We’re dancers, not poets.

As everyone scooted in for the Pyramid of Shame, it was clear that Abby was going to be an emotionally overbooked hot mess this week.

Not only was her Mom sick, but she was also dealing with the upcoming auditions for Mackenzie‘s Girl Party music video and a studio floor that was completely cluttered with gigantic rolls of seamless green paper and camera equipment, thanks to an in-progress photo shoot for MackZ’s new gangster rap CD and puffy paint sticker collection.

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Not to mention another competition.

You don’t just get handed the Lucky Thirteen.  Der.

Needless to say, you could already tell what tracks this runaway train was headed down as everyone rolled into the building.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was everyone except Kalani.  Boom.  Done.

Every girl had done exactly what they were supposed to do in last week’s group competition, even when they couldn’t hear the music from the stage, so Abby just lined ‘em all up and kept it moving.  Kalani had snagged the top overall score in Ohio, so she was the week’s top dancer.

Rules are still rules even when you change the shape of the Pyramid.

Sidenote:  The OCD part of me can’t stand how some of the girls head shots are real head shots, while some of them are half body shots.  Consistency, people.  Drives me nuts.

First Grab Your Kleenex Moment:  I think Melissa cut her own bangs.  That wasn’t the saddest part, but I did get a little emotional during her solo confessional spot.

The sad part was actually when Abby gave an update on her Mom’s condition.  Melissa talked about Maryen and how much she meant to everyone at the ALDC.

Abby cried.  The kids cried.  Melissa bawled.  And then Abby motioned for one girl at a time to come forward for a hug.  Just one.  Like when the Pope pulls you from the crowd on Easter Sunday.  No disrespect to the Pope or to the Abby.  I just get uncomfortable when things get too sad and make Pope jokes.

This week, after months of threats and open casting call auditions,  Abby would finally be deciding on her new team.  A second ALDC Elite Team to send into battle and hog even more trophies from the folks over at Candy Apples.

Who would be on the new team?  Who knows.  Would the old team still be intact?  Who knows.  But all would be revealed as soon as the final round of cuts took place in Pittsburgh.  So stay tuned.

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Kendall and Nia both scored solos this week.  Chloe and Kalani were handed a duet.  And the whole team (…Spoiler Alert:  Or not…) would be dancing in a Bollywood & Vine group number.

GYKM:  After a few more hugs and tears (…Melissa was taking this harder than Abby was…) everyone got to rehearsing while the Moms hit the Perch for some dead silence and sad faces.  This whole cloud of depression was really bringing down their mojo.

I felt especially bad for Kira, who was so new that she didn’t even know what to do with herself while the Original Recipe Moms reminisced about all their years at the ALDC.  She looked at her nails a lot this week.  I did notice that.

MoleGate.  And that’s the last time I’m saying it.  Don’t ask me again.

Nia and Kendall’s rehearsals were a little wobbly right out of the gate, but I had complete faith in both of them.  Despite it being the Official Year of the Nia, my girl hasn’t had much luck with her solos this season, so it was really important that she nail her shoo bop a doo bop this week.   And Kendall just needed to make it through one entire episode without crying.  Which is totally doable, because she’s got the right stuff.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Pretty low key this week.  Hair looked good.  Nothing too outrageous going on in the wardrobe department.  But don’t get too comfortable.  I’ll bet you anything that she’s just laying low for a week or two before springing some signature crazy a** ostrich fur on us when our guard is down.  Like she’s waiting in the fashion jungle for the perfect moment to shoot us in the neck with a dart when we’re not looking.

Love.  Her.

Then it was time for some Mack Diddy Fo Shizzy Zig Ziggly in da house, yo.

Apparently Abby is the brains behind this whole Mackenzie music video concept that came out of nowhere a few weeks ago, because after shlepping MackZ to the recording studio to lay down some riffs, she was now running an audition for backup dancers.

Q.  Do you like eating sugar straight out of the bag, kissing Cody Simpson posters and jumping up and down on Austin Mahone bedsheets during a sleepover?

A.  Yes?  Then do I have the audition for you, Miss Thang!  Sign at the glitter ‘X,’ please.

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Sitting behind one of those tables that block every grocery store exit during Girl Scout Cookie month, Abby and MackYoWhack put every girl who couldn’t get a ticket to the Kids’ Choice Awards through some backflips and age appropriate booty pops before deciding on a team of dancers.  Chloe was cut.  I think it was her height, because otherwise she werked it just fine.  They played some mind games on Maddie before allowing her to participate and then finished up by adding a few random girls into the mix.

I’m thinking that Brooke Hyland is probably throwing herself off the roof of that Big Apple Tour bus right about now if she witnessed all the attention that Abby smothered over Mackenzie this week.  I’m pretty sure I don’t recall this much TLC when Brooke wanted to break onto the iTunes charts.  Wasn’t Brooke’s entire video shot with last year’s iPhone?

And you know Abby bought the bus tickets during a Groupon promo.

I do miss all that Hyland Hilarity.

Then it was back to the group dance.  And more problems in the costume department.

Turns out that Abby was short one costume for the Bollywood routine.  Five instead of Six.  Which I didn’t understand at all, considering that there were only six kids in the whole ALDC team.  The same six kids from last week when you had the same costume drama.

How hard can all this be to remember?

Due to the shortage,  she ran everyone through the rehearsal one more time and then cut Nia.  OhNoSheDin’t.

Holly was all like OhHellNo and I was all like YeahWhatSheSaid and then I realized that I forgot to put the link to Dr. Beyoncé’s new book in the recap last week.  And if you don’t buy the book, then they won’t make the movie.  And I’ve already picked out what I’m going to wear during my walk-on cameo…so let’s go, people.  Chop Chop.

But what I really don’t get with the whole CostumeGate thing (…let’s see how long I can milk this trend before I lose readers…) is how Abby can order a complete size range of outfits but then randomly cut a dancer.  I mean, what is she had cut Mackenzie instead?

Would Nia end up on stage wearing a costume made for a tiny 9 year old girl?  How does she keep messing up the counts?  And while she’s online, why doesn’t she just order a damn calculator from Staples?  Geez, Louise.

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GYKM:  This one was too sad to even make jokes about.  I already crossed the line last time when I picked on that stuffed dog, so I’ll just take a pass on Melissa’s visit to the Sterling House if that’s ok.  It was heartbreaking to see Abby and Melissa crying in the hallway after catching a glimpse of the dark room where Maryen was spending her last days.  Nobody wants to see anyone suffer.

Back at the ALDC, Gianna was large and in charge this week, getting the girls ready for their Dance USA competition in Ohio.  The only thing larger was a gigantic Pinterest board that had mysteriously shown up in the middle of the studio.  If Pinterest had a Messed Up Mind Game category, that is.

The board was tacked full of the old Team’s photos across the bottom and a bunch of new faces all slapped haphazardly across the top.  Subliminal much?

Needless to say, the Moms were not big fans of Abby psyching out her Dream Team from the other side of town.  Even the girls were all like WTF? as they rushed the board the same way everyone on Glee used run to the wall when the leads in the Spring musical were announced.

MackZ sez that shiz is whacked fo’ shizzle.  Let’s just have a Girl Party instead!

Finally, it was Showtime!

GYKM:  The bus ride to Ohio when the girls each took a second to remember their favorite Maryen Moment.  Ruined only by Abby on the other end of Gia’s phone making it clear that she didn’t need the girl’s love….she need their win.  So there’s that, I guess.

The duet was like looking in a mirror.  OMG.  Chloe and Kalani were totes twinsies.  

Kendall’s solo was on point.  I’m pretty sure that she was wearing Mom’s pleather pants.

Nia gave Face for days when she hit the stage.  We don’t need no stinkin’ group number, mmmkay?  I’m thinking that Sasha Nia is back, bitches.

GYKM:  Holly’s backstage prayer circle.

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As everyone scrambled to drop their buns lower (…a joke right now would be way too easy even for me…) it was clear that Nia not only gets all her sass from her Mama but all her faces, as well.

Clearly, she was not happy that she couldn’t be in the group routine and some of Nia’s soon-to-be patented FrazierSideEyes gave me life.  I’m totally stealing that one look she gave Kalani and Chloe the next time I’m stuck in a long line at the DMV.

Scroll up and enjoy it one more time, if you’d like.  I’ll wait.

The group dance brought the house down.  And it looked pretty legit, even though the only frame of reference I really have is that first year they did Bollywood on So You Think You Can Dance and the Pussycat Dolls‘ Slumdog video.

I’m also going to assume that the night before competition the Moms all went out for shots and got henna tattoos, because that totally happened.  I think all that intricate body art is really cool until it starts wearing off and then you end up just looking like you forgot to wear gloves when you refinished your dining room chairs over the weekend.  They need to figure out a better way for it to fade out.  Just saying.

Speaking of the Pussycat Dolls.  The Moms all busted out some redoinkulous MomDancing prior to the Awards ceremony.  Please let their be a blooper reel when the Season 4 DVD comes out.  I don’t ask for much anymore.

Results?  Nia took Third.  Kendall took Second.  The duet pulled First Place.  And the group routine gave them all the Lucky Thirteen they had been dreaming about all week.

Even with all the tears, it was a big success.

And over.

Time to gather all those wads of kleenex up off the floor and call it a night.  Don’t worry…next week doesn’t look nearly as gloomy.  So pull it together.

The preview even showed some screaming, a couple of swear words and MackJackKnife cutting a bitch during the taping of her sleepover video.  I think we’re back in business next time.

So now it’s just the final GYKM of the week:  Saying goodbye to all of you.

Kisses.

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