Posts Tagged ‘Abby Lee Dance Company’

Dance Moms: When It’s Abby vs. Kira, Hold On To Your Hard Hats And ALDC Tops…And Maybe Cover Your Eyes.

Wednesday, July 1st, 2015

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So much yelling and crying and Mama Drama this week. But you know what? #BigHairDontCare.

 

 

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I swear to Gawd my mother didn’t have that much hair on her head when we left the hotel. WTF?

 

 

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Just keep drinking. As long as everyone thinks it’s coffee we can get through the day without a fight.

 

 

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It was a nice dance, girls. But honestly, that topless woman running behind you is a bit distracting.

 

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Officer Girard here. Put out an APB on Miller. We lost her, but at least she’s wearing a bra today.

 

 

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Gurrrl. Mama’s ’bout to use somebody’s head to pound in nails and finish this pokey a** project

 

 

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So much yelling and crying and Mama Drama this week. But you know what? #StreakOnFleek

 

 

 

Safety first.

Trust me on this one.

I realize it might mess up your new big hair, but you should all probably put on your complimentary Dance Moms logo hard hats before we get started this week.

And even though protective headgear is only an OSHA requirement when visiting active construction sites, in all honesty I would probably keep it on for the entire episode, just to be safe.  Because I have a feeling somebody’s gonna get hurt before we’re done here.

So, yeah.  Hard hats and supportive undergarments.  Just do it, please.

It’s now Week# IDon’tKnowWhat and Abby Lee Miller and Crew are still in California, still hoping for some big wins and still waiting on the completion of the still not ready for prime time ALDCLA MotherShip.

Slowest.  Construction.  Ever.

Side note:  For those of you who watch Real Housewives of Atlanta, I swear this pokey a** job site is another Chateau Shereè.  For those of you who don’t (…and what’s wrong with you, BTW?…) I swear this pokey a** job site is that pothole in front of your city’s elementary school that still hasn’t been repaired in over 6 years even though at least one kid a day bumps his head when the bus drives over it.  Every city has one.

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The Good News:  The ALDCLA Clubhouse finally has a ceiling now.  That’s progress, right?  Enough so that Abby could finally bring the gang over to see how the construction was (…or was not…) progressing this week and get a tour of her new digs.

And to rush through the Pyramid of Shame: Sheetrock and Exposed Beams Edition.

According to the general contractor…

CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC, David Hodo (standing), 1980, © Associated Film Distribution…the project would be completed in three weeks and the ALDCLA could open for bidnezz.

Looking around the empty space with its open floor plan and 2×4 stud work still begging for insulation and union-compliant electrical work, it was hard to believe.  But he’s the general contractor, so I guess he’d know best.  The project was (…allegedly…) still moving forward.  Because you can’t stop the music, right?

cantstop02That was fun.

Ok.  One more, since you’re begging.

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Now I’m done.

As Abby ran through the team’s latest list of losses, it was immediately obvious that Mackenzie was MIA.  Is it me, or do we need to attach some form of GPS locators on these Ziegler GirlZ lately?  I swear we’re gonna find one of them all alone just wandering the mean streets of Hollywood one night, looking for their Kids’ Choice Awards trophy.

And that worries me.

But speaking of.  MackZ was off filming an episode of Nickelodeon’s Nicky, Ricky, Dicky, Banana Fana Fo Ficky & Dawn Show, whatever the Fo F***y that thing is.

(I just got older right in front of you.  And I’m horrified.)

I guess it’s a pretty big dealio for anyone who’s never owned a black & white tv, because everyone was smiling and clapping and a few girls on Twitter got exceptionally wound up.  But all those smiles quickly disappeared as soon as Abby started in on the technical issues and blah to the blah from last week’s competition.

Issues which, according to my MomCrush Jill, could be easily addressed simply by having the girls take dance classes every day like they used to do back in PA.

Screeeeech.  I was wrong.  Stop.  The.  Music.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  The Hair.  Lawd Almighty.  The Hair.

Now I know we got a glimpse of Jill’s new streaks and extensions and grown out/blown out ‘do last week, but this week was the Big Reveal.

No warning, tho.  Nothing.  Just all of the sudden Jill was all like…

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…and my laptop overheated.

Mama V was Beat.  To.  The.  Gods.  Hunty.  Which is a good thing.  RuPaul says so.

After I splashed some cold water on my lap…top, we were back to the Pyramid Pics, which were dingle dangling off a piece of plywood like notices reminding you to wear steel toed boots when pouring concrete and to not hire minors for heavy lifting after 9pm.

Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Kendall, JoJo and Mackenzie.  The middle row was filled up with The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia and Kalani.

Which meant that Maddie was back on top, even though she was still suffering from Ellen/Saturday Night Live/Sia burnout.  Luckily, taking the lead away from her baby sister helped score her some much needed Pyramid Points.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart/Big Girls Cry Reference:  These kind of happen all the time now.  Some pretty subtle.  Some right in yo’ face.  So I think it’s time to retire this gimmick, since it’s pretty much a given that somebody somewhere is going to mention it within the hour.

Plus, adding Pretty Little Liars to the list now is just too much typing.

It was fun while it lasted.

This week the gang was headed to Fresno, CA for the Believe Talent Competition, which Melissa looooves because she clapped and said so.

Kendall, Nia and Maddie all scored solos, which was good news all around.  The group routine was going to be a 1950s inspired musical theater number entitled ‘Dance Bop’, which Melissa also loved because she said so again.

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I’m not sure if she was referring to the title or the actual dance stylings, but Melissa sure loves a lot of things.  Just not responding to my tweets, apparently.  Ahem.

Since everyone agreed that it was probably not in the kids’ best interests to be doing backflips in a studio with no retaining walls to keep them from rolling out into traffic, we all scooted back to 3rd St. Dance to rehearse this week’s routines.

As the girls got to doing their thang in the studio, the Moms were all back in that video monitor room getting fired up about the lack of dance classes being offered to the team.

Kira was (…Spoiler Alert: already…) exceptionally fired up and decided to call LA choreographer Tessandra Chavez.  Who just happened to be in her speed dial.  Just like how Aubrey O’Day is in Holly‘s speed dial.  And like how Maddie is in Shia Labeouf‘s speed dial.  And like how I’m in nobody’s.

Tessandra is the choreographer to the talent show stars.  She’s done America Idol,  SYTYCD, X Factor and even Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition back when Kira and Jessalynn used to punch each other out at that glue gun crafting table every week.

While we’re on the topic…this week’s Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  I swear she’s gonna make me wet the bed before the season is over.  If she tours with Kathy Griffin this fall I’m going to have a stroke.

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Personally, I remember Tessandra for having bangs that are cut too short.  But that’s just a thing with me that I’ve never been able to get past since my first bowl cut in kindergarten.

Anyway.  Calling another choreographer and asking her to teach a class at another director’s studio without asking any permission whatsoever before you make the call.

What could possibly go wrong?

Side note:  Abby left the building right around now to go pick out some carpet swatches at Home Depot.  Because, you know.  Carpeting is key if you’re building a padded cell.

The next day, the girls hit their solos and it even smelled like they hadn’t been to a technique class since they left Pittsburgh.  And don’t get Abby started on sitting on yoga balls.  Honestly, I don’t even think she remembered to pack them she’s been such a mess lately.  But in her defense, they probably sell yoga balls at the gas station in California, cuz that’s kind of their thing.  That and rollerblading and just being LA Fab.

There was also a little sniglet about stretching classes and the lack thereof, but every person in that studio is more flexible than I am so we’ll move right along.

To when Tessandra showed up the next day.

Of course it was drama.  Of course there was no security and of course Tessandra managed to climb 12 flights of stairs and walk right past 53 camera guys and whoever it is that keeps giving Gianna those ombré highlights.  And of course Abby pretended that she had no idea who she was when Tessandra walked in.

But all that really mattered was Holly’s face.  I mean…c’mon.  Look.

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I don’t know if she was reacting to the bangs, the outfit or the fact that Abby was pretending to have no clue who this woman was…but it doesn’t matter.

It was Classic HollyFace.

If this was an animated show, Holly’s eye balls would’ve popped out on bouncy springs.

Needless to say, it didn’t go well and Tessandra turned right around and left the building.  Hopefully her Uber was still idling curbside, because if she paid for parking she must have been pulling her short hair out when the cameras stopped filming.

Side note:  Melissa talked to Maddie outside for a few minutes while she (…Melissa, not her kid…) was holding a silver can all covered up with black duct tape.  I’m going to assume it was a Diet Coke because I don’t think even Melissa can slam a Colt 45 at 10am.  We love Melissa and Holly.  I think I forgot to say that this week.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Critique On Stage Time again!

Yup.  Believe was one of those newfangled competitions where you dance and then stand on your SecretSoda tape mark and get immediate feedback from the judges.

Not gonna lie.  I got a pretty excited thinking that maybe Rachelle Rak was gonna be back biting some apples and jumping out of her chair like a Price Is Right lady again.

That bitch is crazy.  We heart her.

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But no such luck.  This time the judge was a very nice lady in a pink outfit who had hair like you see in Bridal magazines.  She was nice, but not even close to being worthy of a trademarked ‘Sas’ tee shirt.

All three solos went well and got fairly good feedback.  They all did a great job if you ask me, but Nia looked amazeballs in her silver costume.  Knowing how she werk’d that #StarInYourOwnLife music video, I secretly wish Abby would finally just admit defeat and give my girl some kind of Rhythm Nation lyrical routine that I promise will make everyone’s head explode.

And speaking of.  You might want to put your hard hats back on.

Because backstage after the solos, it all went downhill.  Fast.  Like Abby vs. Kelly fast.

Except it was Abby vs. Everyone fast.  And then Abby vs. Kira DeathMatch fast.

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Tick…

The Moms pointed out that every critique received from the pink judge with the fancy hair only reaffirmed their concerns that the ALDC team was not getting enough technique classes now that they were in LA.  Which Abby processed as overstepping boundaries and criticizing her skills as a dance teacher.

Even Nia tried to explain that they all want the same things, but Abby shut her down before she even finished her first sentence.  Then Kira piped up, saying something about balance and bringing some PA to LA.  (Which I’m pretty sure has never been uttered by anyone ever in the history of ever…ever.)

Tick…

Abby said she doesn’t like “Mommies playing dancing school.”

And then BOOM went the dynamite.  And the waterworks.

Kira:  “Well I’ve done it for 14 years and that’s why my child is the dancer she is.”

Abby started crying.  Everyone was like ‘What’s Happening?’  The girls all rushed to Abby’s side with kisses and huggies, which she rejected like a true Toddlers & Tiaras princess.  Just like this…

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Except for Maddie.  She took Maddie’s hugs.

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Kira lost her nutty.  Don’t you dare.  Abby lost her nutty.  Call MattyB.  You’re kid would rather be with any other Mother here than you.

Wait.  What?

Kira chased Abby into the hallway, screaming for Kalani to come back so they could leave.

Special shout out to what I guess were two catering people or something who were coming up the stairwell and got caught in the cross fire.  One jumped over the railing and the other one just put her head in the corner like some self-imposed Timeout.  Did you see that?  I wish their faces hadn’t been blurred out.  Hilarity in the middle of all this tragedy.

Christi…I mean Kira…was done.  DONE.  (Srsly.  Has any Dance Mom not said that yet?)

Abby crossed the line and said she doesn’t want Kalani hanging around with somebody like Kira who is sleeping with a man she’s not even married to and…

Wait.  What?

Melissa told Kira to get back inside the room.  Kira told Melissa to go to Hell for some reason.  Holly shoved every kid she could find into the secret bagel curtain room like the building was on fire.  Dr. Holly activated full HollyMode.

Side note:  Remember when Holly took charge after Kelly slapped Abby?  It was just like that.  Once a flight attendant, always a flight attendant, I guess.  Everyone to the nearest exits!  Bring your blow-up vests!  And that bag of gummy bears!  Go!  Go!  Go!

Side note:  Was it just me, or were there a lot of men walking in and out of that back doorway that was clearly labeled women’s dressing room?  Didn’t anybody try to stop them or was everyone more concerned with those two cafeteria people who were still trying to get back downstairs?

You’re not gonna believe what happened next.

Abby busted back out into the room just wearing her bra for some reason.  I swear.  Just her bra.  And she was all like…

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Or maybe it was more like…

abBut, whatever.  It was a bra.

Kira was all like WHOA.  Hold up.

kgJill swallowed her gum and yet still looked amazing.jb

Jessalynn totally got all…

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Holly didn’t say it or do it, but you know she was thinking it.

hfwAnd Melissa’s eyes burned so bad she got hysterical blindness like on General HospitalmbSupposedly there’s some urban myth that Abby always swore to take her top off if she didn’t want to get filmed.  Or beat up.  Or who knows.  The internet went spaz and somebody screamed to take the cameras off Abby’s underwire.

Or maybe that was just the Inner Voices in my head.

I dunno.

All I know is that all the people that hate this show kept watching and then talked smack online until I got too tired to creep them.  Why are they still on this channel again?

Don’t you have jobs?  Or books?  Why do we have to have this discussion every week?  Most of you are old enough to go to an R-rated movie by now.  Gah.

Side note:  I forgot to mention that when Abby first came into the room with just her ALDC or E cups hanging out that she was accompanied by some gentleman with his face all blurred out like their double wide trailer had just been raided by the PoPo on COPS.

You see dat?  The PoPo.

You can’t make this stuff up.

Well, I can.  But you can’t.

I don’t even know what happened after that.

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Abby left.  Mackenzie showed up somehow.  Does she have her license now?  How’d she even get there?  I’m so traumatized I can’t even find a good picture of Mackenzie right, so just look at JoJo in her yellow outfit.  She’s cute.

The group dance happened without Abby and then ended up only coming in Third Place.  Like Maddie, who also came in Third Place with her solo.  Melissa clearly doesn’t love Third Place as much as she loves a good 1950s doo wop.

Nia took 4th.  Kendall took 5th.  It was just not a good day all around.

And then it was over.

Q.  Will Abby walk through the door tomorrow?

A.  Probably.  But hopefully with her top on.

I’m exhausted.

And so done.

DONE.

Or like Abby said when she disappeared into the sunset…

duecs

 

 

Dance Moms: When It Comes To MDP Drama, You Know The West Coast Is The Best Coast. Abby vs. Erin…Again.

Friday, June 26th, 2015

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Grandma ’bout to go off on that little girl back there who’s tryna steal your pink bow/side pony look.

 

 

jh

 

 

What? That noise? I’m sorry. I can’t hear you over the sound of my hat being so awesome.

 

 

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So you just spray the s*** out of it and then rat it all up? I’m totally trying this on my kids tonight.

 

 

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First I lose the receipt for the doll. Then that crazy chick cuts all the hair off. What the–?

 

 

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Look, honey. I had a baby while you were dancing…and she looks just like a tiny Priscilla Presley.

 

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I swear to Gawd. These people. Not even that much common sense. Am I asking too much?

 

DTCB

 

 

 

I don’t know who writes this thing, but I swear it’s a lawsuit waiting to happen. Hashtag: TotalCrap.

 

 

 

Today’s off-topic Dance Moms lesson:  Geography.

Specifically, the states over on the right side of the map.

They are part of what is called the East Coast, which is generally defined as those states bordering the Atlantic Ocean, although Vermont does not actually touch water and only a very small part of Pennsylvania does.  I mean, like very small.

Like I had to enlarge the Google Map five times just to see if I was being punk’d by Wikipedia.  I swear, it’s the tiniest little piece of land evah that apparently meets the Delaware Bay way down at the bottom somewhere and probably maxxes out at 27 people on a good beach day.

But it counts as the Atlantic Ocean somehow.  And that’s all that matters, because not only does it qualify Pennsylvania as an Eastern State by default, but it also makes the following East  vs. West hip hop rivalry comparison almost make sense despite the excessive amount of time it took to actually get to the point.

Almost.  The More You Know.

The Notorious B.I.G vs. 2Pac?

Forget it.   ah

I’m talking the new East Coast vs. West Coast.

The ALDC vs. MDP, yo.  

Abby Lee Miller vs. Erin Babbs.

With Ms. Miller and her team finally, kinda sorta relocated to Los Angeles in anticipation of what has thus far been only an imaginary unicorn named ALDCLA, the Moms and girls were already hunkered down at 3rd St. Dance bracing for their 3rd Straight Face-off with Erin’s Murrieta Dance Project as soon as the credits rolled.

As the girls all stretched out in some random room that I swear had giant bags of restaurant rice and a case of 16 oz party cups sticking out of the closet door (…did you see that?  What was all that stuff behind Mackenzie‘s head?…) Maddie was still having trouble digesting the fact that she had come in second to her own sister at last week’s Center Stage competition in Anaheim.

Side note:  Personally, I was still having trouble digesting the fact that every one of these girls is already shlepping around their own Louis bag when they still have baby teeth.  But I digress.  And it’s not like I want one for myself, because I don’t.  I’m more of a Burberry Charcoal Check kind of guy, even though today I brought my lunch to work in a GNC bag.

But still.  Duh.  Louis Vuitton.  Haters gonna hate hate hate.

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Side note 2:  That is also totally how I picture the fake Louis factories that make those knock-off bags they sell in Times Square, even though I have no proof whatsoever that they actually employ child laborers.  But, c’mon.  Tons of kids with no shoes on, crawling around the floor, surrounded by a million Louis Vuitton bags with the stuff all falling out of them.  Go back and watch that scene again.

And then contact my lawyer if I’m lying.

The two little Ziegler SisterZ went a few rounds until Maddie grabbed Mackenzie by the base of her neck the same way Hulk Hogan used to do right before he slammed ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage‘s face into the corner post of the wrestling ring.   I’m pretty sure she was about to bear hug the oxygen out of her lungs in the name of sisterly love until Abby broke it up for the Pyramid of Shame.

Saved by the Yell.

Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Kendall, JoJo and The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia.  The Middle tier was taken up by Kalani and Maddie, because Kalani had been just meh last week and Maddie had nearly shattered the Time Space Continuum by losing to somebody and then making a scrunchy face while she checked her Instagram likes.

Which left the top spot wide open for MackZ.  Applause all around.

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This week the gang was headed to Fierce Talent Competition in Calabasas, CA.  But before Abby could even hand out solos, JoJo piped up and announced that her Grandma, who was battling Stage 4 colon cancer, was flying all the way to LA just to see her dance.

So could she, you know…get a solo?  Not to be greedy, but because she loves her Grandma.  And it could be the last time she gets to see her dance.

And because cancer sucks.

Needless to say, everyone got a little sniffly.  Yes.  Even Abby.  Who got all like…

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…and immediately gave JoJo with the BowBow a SoLo, no questions asked.

But then she got all like…

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…and immediately kicked her out of the group routine so she could focus on that solo.  So Cindy Lou…Who…knows how that lady thinks sometimes.

Kendall scored the remaining solo, which would be the one she was supposed to perform two week prior when Abby had no-showed with the no-costume.  With an additional 14 days to rehearse, that thing better be perfect by now.  Understood?

The group dance, entitled ‘Voices In My Head,’ would be led by Mackenzie even though it was supposed to have gone to Maddie.  But Maddie lost last week.  So there you go.

Let the punishment fit the crime.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart/Big Girls Cry Reference:  The first one was very subtle, but by the middle of the show it was all about the SiaFace.  And The MaddieFace.  And even (…Spoiler Alert!…) The MackenzieWhateverFace.

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As the girls got to rehearsing and the Moms headed out to that mystery room with the satellite feed, we scooted over to join the MDP crew for an outdoor bootcamp class that was being held uncomfortably close to the edge of the LA Freeway.

Srsly.  You see that?  The Moms were literally watching it from the breakdown lane.  One bad backward crab crawl and somebody could have ended up being the lead story on last night’s KTLA news.  And they were on an incline fercryinoutloud.  Does Lifetime not even have a legal department anymore?

Speaking of getting sued.  The MDP group routine was going to be a full-on Abby-bash called ‘Monster Under The Bed’ that got all the girls diabolically giggling the minute Erin diabolically announced her diabolical plan.

Not gonna lie.  Because they all have the exact same MDP hair and MDP face, it was a little spooky when they all started to MDP laugh at the same time.

MDP of the Corn.  Google it.

Back at 3rd St., Abby was putting Mackenzie through the hoops with her group dance lead role.  A little rough, but she threw her a bone once in awhile.  In a backhanded compliment kind of way, she even acknowledged that “Your dance was very pretty…”

“…for you.”

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Good thing a commercial came on after that one.

Side note:  Except that it was the same kid in two different commercials.  F’real.  With two different sets of parents.  Like my head isn’t already spinning during this show.  Especially when tonight’s episode of Dance Moms was brought to you by Sea World, which made no sense at all.  (Remember the vintage episode where Kelly Hyland called Abby ‘Shamu’ because she was wearing a black and white ensemble that looked like it came with a whale spout?)

I really don’t remember much after this point, so I’ll be making stuff up as we go.

The next stop was lunch with Jessalynn, JoJo and Grandma Cathy.  Who.  We.  Love.

It was a short scene, but so positive and so full of SiwaLove that you couldn’t help but get a little misty.  Grandma has the best attitude and best smile and by the time JoJo started to cry I may or may not have gotten some dust in my eyes that made me blink.

Really fast.

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Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  Even when she’s talking about two kinds of cancer, chemo and waiting for a waitress who’s taking waaaaay too long to show up with the drinks, Jessalynn just gives me side cramps.  I wish I could remember the exact day when she went from nut-job to stand-up, because she is a riot.

(Spoiler Alert:  And quite a fashionista when it comes to accessories, I must say.)

Real quick:  Erin gave some little MDP nugget named Caylie a solo and almost made her hyperventilate.  Really.

And then Jessalynn put on her Big Girl Hat.

576563672 Ok.  It was more like this, maybe…

h1 (1)But it was awesome.

And made no sense whatsoever.  Which made it even more awesome.

Even my MomCrush Jill was all like WhatTheHell’sThatOnYou’reHeadGurl?” even though she only thought it and didn’t really say it out loud.  But you could totally tell just by the way her hands were going everywhere.  Her Bump-It even fell out half way through the scene she was so traumatized.

jOr maybe jealous.  Because you know how Mrs. Vertes loves her headgear.

This whole show does, actually.  Even though the kids can’t keep a hat on their head to save their lives during a performance, the Moms do love their dome decor.

Remember Engineer Jill?  All aboard the Vertes Express.  Toot Toot.

d5Or Sick Of This S*** Cowboy Jill?  Where’d my other shoe go?

d12 And don’t forget Dapper Chapeau Jill.  ‘Ello, Gov’na.

d23And you know how Dr. Holly always likes a good topper that can go directly from a morning of backyard gardening to Coachella.  She doesn’t wear them much anymore though, now that her hair is so on point.  We love Holly.  Did we mention that already?

dance-moms-season-5-episode-6-holly-hatAnd this hat, of course, which has nothing to do with anything.  But it’s faaabulous.
klLmX6vAnyway.

That wasted enough time that we need to skip right to the MDP again to catch up on their American Girl Abby Dance.  Because that’s what it was now.

Erin had dropped by the Galleria and picked up one of those Revolutionary War dolls that the other Moms were pimping out into an Abby Lee Miller bouffant.  As hilarious as that was, the really hilarious part was that Erin gave it to a Mom who looked exactly like the doll.  Who was sitting next to another Mom who looked exactly like the first Mom who looked exactly like the doll.

Not gonna lie.  I may have momentarily lost track of which one was actually getting their hair teased into one of those Jack It To Jesus poofs because there was so much activity going on behind the scenes.

And I’m being serious.  I challenge you to tell me which one of these plucky brown-haired chicks comes with a Colonial dress and a comic book:

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Back at the ALDCLA (…to nobody’s surprise…) Abby replaced Mackenzie as the lead in the group dance with Maddie at the very last minute.  I guess a First Place Face still trumps a Second Place Dance when it comes to competition day.

Side note:  The Moms had the same ‘Stick Up For Your Kids’ discussion with Melissa they had last week, so we can skip right over this latest one to save some time.  Plus, you know how I go out of my way to avoid all the dramzzz that everyone else seems to love on Twitter.

Side note numero dos:  Speaking of.  How do these people have that much time to tweet and retweet and smack talk and talk smack about a television show when I can’t even get my recaps out on a timely basis?  Don’t you have jobs?  Or new grandkids?  Or cable?

Here’s a thought:  Hate the show?  Change the channel.  You’re welcome.  I just saved you at least one hour a week.  Think how productive you can be now.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Knowing that she couldn’t compete with Jessalynn’s Big Girl Hat this week (…I mean…who could, really?  You see that thing?…) Mama V had been laying low until the bus pulled into Calabasas to unleash her new multi-colored, multi-striped MTV meets Get Your Hair Did With Your Kid Day meets I don’t know what Aerosmith hair in her confessional shot.

I heart Jill so hard.  Rock on, bitches.

But like her new ‘do, I’m gonna need a week to process.  Remind me next episode.

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Now let’s wrap this bad boy up.  Warp speed.

Erin showed up with a cluster of Welcoming Committee balloons right after Kira knocked over that fabric partition contraption that always hides all the bagels.  No clue what Kalani’s mom was doing back there, but thankfully she still had her clothes on when the divider fell over or I’d be coughing up coins for Lifetime’s new Adult Pay-Per-View.

Abby had Maddie go out into the wings and pretend that she was warming up for a non-existent solo, just to make poor Caylie start hyperventilating for the second time in as many days.  It worked, but I’m pretty sure Erin has some MDP-branded inhalers in her dance bag.  Everything else had a logo on it.

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JoJo did a great job on her solo, but didn’t place.  But it didn’t matter.  She danced for her Grandma and everybody cried.

Even Abby admitted that it wasn’t about winning.

It’s true.  I had to rewind that part just to make sure I heard her correctly.  She said it.

Kendall’s solo only scored Second Place, which would have been ok if she hadn’t been sitting on the choreography for two weeks.  Abby was not happy.

Unfortunately, the MDP’s MonsterMash beat the ALDC (…is it legit “–LA” yet?…) in the group category for the second time in three competitions.  And Abby hated that.  A lot.

Naturally, the whole thing spilled out into the hallways like a bar brawl and everyone got overheated.  Some MDP Mom had dropped an F-Bomb when Caylie wobbled in her solo and the ALDC Moms couldn’t stop talking about it.

Which led to something about how proud you must be of your MDP Mother.

Which led to some MDP Mom saying that Abby’s Mom must be so proud of her, too.

Which led to Abby pointing out that her Mom was dead.

Hashtag: Dead.

I got nothing after that.

Is it hot in here, or is it just California?

Lawd.

Doll down.

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Dance Moms: When It Comes Down To Maddie vs. Mackenzie, There’s Enough Mama Drama To Knock Your Hair Off.

Friday, June 19th, 2015

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I know, right? It popped off like she was one of those glitter babies from Toddlers & Tiaras.

 

 

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This would be a lot easier if I was still sitting in the kitchen sink giving myself a pageant spray tan.

 

 

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It literally feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Or it could be the bow.

 

 

BringIt

 

 

 

Turnt Up. Turnt Up. My Weave is with my Girls…Layin’ on the Dance Floor.

 

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She snatched that mofo thang right off her own head. I’m the one who should be crying, honey.

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All the money I’m paying this woman and she’s still going online for synthetic? Gurrrrrrrrl, pleez.

 

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Honestly, I don’t understand any of these weave jokes. I just know that big hair makes your butt look smaller.

 

 

 

Lawd have mercy.

Dance Moms, I swear.  This episode was snatched.  Literally.

And you know how much I love a good weave joke, so let’s not waste any valuable time and just get this party started right now.

Week Two of what I assume is finally kinda sorta full-time LA status for Abby Lee Miller & Co. began just like it did in the last episode, with all the Moms and kids loitering on the sidewalk in front of the 3rd Street Dance Studio getting ready for the Pyramid of Shame.

That appears to be a thing now.  Meeting up at the street level entrance with a bunch of half empty Dunkin Donuts Iced Coffees, I mean.  Or at least until the new studio is open for bidnezz, anyway.  Which, BTW, seems to be taking freaking forever to complete.

For.  Ev.  Ah.

Seriously.  The Mystery Studio.  Haven’t we been talking about this move to Los Angeles ever since Brooke skipped out on rehearsals and went to cheerleading try-outs?

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(Full Disclosure:  That may or may not be a photo of the actual tryouts.  But the girls are wearing my old high school colors, so it’s kinda sorta the same thing.  Plus, I miss the Hylands and nobody is making you read this.  So sue me.)

Anyway.  I don’t know if there’s an issue with the studio gas meters or asbestos removal or if they’re just holding out for a new season of ALDC:Cribs for the Big Reveal.  But c’mon, people.  You gotta be paying the floor guys triple overtime by now.

Side note:  I have no idea where the Lifetime Limoliner drops them all off in the morning, but these Moms certainly had to walk far enough just to get to the studio door.  Anyone else notice that?  It was a pretty quick camera shot, but long enough for me to notice Melissa checking herself out in the reflection of an appliance store window while my MomCrush Jill tried to catch up to the other ladies by running like she was signed up for one of those Drag Queen high heel charity races.

Don’t leave me back here with Kira!  Wait for me!  Sissy that Walk!

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Speaking of.  You try hustling down W. 3rd in skinny jeans and wedges while carrying a 32 oz. plastic cup, your kid’s dance bag, ten pounds of Louis Vuitton and two feet of Bump-It.  Try it.  Then maybe we’ll talk.

And the cup had a straw in it, too.  So it was almost like she was running with scissors.

Jill’s an icon.  Your arguments are invalid.

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As the girls headed up the 17 flights of stairs to their rented space, the Moms all chilled a few more minutes curbside to catch their breath and wonder out loud if the LA air was once again going to make Abby go insane.

I don’t know the actual medical term for terminal jet lag (…unless the term is actually just “terminal jet lag” and I’m making things harder than they need to be by using the word “term” five times in one sentence…) but something about being three hours off her normal eating/sleeping/screaming cycle had really done a number on Abby the last two times the ALDC visited California.

Spoiler Alert:  Third time ain’t gonna be any different.

As everyone filed in for the Pyramid, Abby was actually in the building this time.  Present and accounted for, Sergeant Vertes.  At least physically, anyway.

Mentally?  Not so much.

Side note:  As long as we’re on the subject, you can still purchase Sergeant Vertes’ new Wear Em Out music video right here if you haven’t already, even though I’m pretty sure the only person on the planet who hasn’t coughed up some coins and downloaded it by now is Taylor Swift.  Feel free to Google that one if you didn’t get the joke.

Because it’s yummy.

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(Bonus Points to the soldier in the background who was all like Dat’sItI’mOuttaHere as soon as Cougar Abby started tickling those underage tummies.  Don’t Scratch.  Don’t Tell.)

Since Abby would clearly rather be revealing sweaty military six packs than shiny tweeny bop 8×10 glossies, she’s been flying right through the actual Pyramids the last few weeks, so we might as well do the same and only hit the high points.

The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia was on the bottom because last week’s solo had only been awarded a 5th place trophy.  By itself, that wasn’t very newsworthy, but the new and improved Nia Sioux’s politely worded, maturely delivered “If I had more opportunities, maybe I would have been better at it” BooYeah got everyone’s attention as well as a couple of near church faints from a few of the Moms.

Not gonna lie.  Part of me wanted my girl to just start unclipping some of that new hair and go all Jerry Springer on Abby’s a**.  But Dr. Mama didn’t raise her to be like dat, so no chairs were harmed and/or thrown during the discussion.  I don’t know what kind of Wiley Coyote ACME machine Aubrey O’Day put little Nia through during those recording sessions, but when she came out the other end on the conveyor belt she was a well spoken young lady, I must say.

With just enough of a subtle sassy undertone to make me a little verklempt, of course.

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#StarInYourOwnLife.  And then tell your mother she doesn’t have to wear her cross body bag like that when she’s inside the building.  That’s how people wear them the first time they ever take the New York City subway without their husbands.

It’s ok.  Nobody’s gonna snatch yo’ chapstick inside 3rd Street just because you made eye contact with a stranger, ma’am.  You can let go of your purse now.

Srsly.  How much do we love Holly?  Werk that maxi-dress, gurl.

The rest of the Pyramid was the usual.  I don’t think the whole thing means very much anymore since we blow through it so quickly each week.  Even when Maddie tumbled from the top to the bottom it was still all just meh.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart/Big Girls Cry Reference:  Yeah.  There’s a third one now.  Hold that thought.

This week the gang was headed to the Center Stage Dance Competition in Anaheim, CA.  JoJoWithTheBowBow, MackZMusic and SiaBeYaMaddie all scored solos and Melissa scored some really big beachy hair in her confessional talking head segments.

Do The Math Time:  This meant that Melissa must have either gotten new hot rollers or one of those curling irons that rotates in both directions for the perfect summer curl AND that Maddie and Mackenzie would be competing AGAINST each other for the first time in the history of I don’t know what.

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Ziegler vs. Ziegler?  Madness, I tell you.  Mark my words…Chaos in the streets.

Spoiler Alert:  I’m pretty sure Melissa was way more excited about her new hair than she was the prospect of pitting her two kids against each other in a cage match.  For a number of reasons.  Some clear.  Some not so clear.  And some clearly made up online as the evening progressed.

Elephant In The Room:  Was it editing?  Was it bad attitude?  Bad parenting?  Was it the three hour time difference?  All of the above or none of the above?  From this point on, the internet never quite recovered from anything and everything that went down between Melissa and her children for the remainder of the episode.  But take it up in the comment section or the chatrooms if you’re about to explode.  You know the rules around here.

I mean it.  I have enough trouble keeping track of my two iTunes passwords and the extra long one for my modem, much less creating 20 more for every chatroom that burst into flames during this episode.  I’m an equal opportunity Snarkster, thank you.

Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Hair Watch:  We just covered that topic.  Don’t even tell me you weren’t paying attention.  Or worse…skimming.

Programming Note:  If you haven’t time-stamped your DVR yet, do it now.  Because right here is also when it started getting crazy and never stopped.

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The group routine was being choreographed by Travis Payne.  You heard me.  The same Travis Payne who worked on Michael Jackson‘s This Is It! Tour before MJ passed.  A little gig he picked up between dancing on Janet‘s Rhythm Nation Tour and winning three MTV Video Awards.  Totes jealz.

Of him.  His dancing.  And his exceptionally airbrushed internet headshots.  It’s like the guy has no pores online.

And of course he brought along Beyoncé‘s backup dancer Aisha Francis because she’s Beyoncé’s backup dancer so why not.  She toured with Queen Bey and even co-created the “Crazy In Love” Booty Dance.

That makes two of us, bitch.

Moral of the Story:  Everyone went crazy.

Especially Abby, who snatched her own weave just for something to do.  I swear.  Like BLOOP and it was completely off her head.

And then she played with it.  Like a furry chew toy or something.

It was one of those little wiglet ones that babies wear in kiddie pageants that look like a cross between guinea pigs and Star Trek Tribbles.  So she took it out all crazy like…

w3  And then it kinda turned into more of this…

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Until she just went completely Nutella and ended up playing with it all like…

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No words.

Luckily, by the time the girls had to work on their solos the next day, Abby had figured out the tag goes in the back and was once again sporting a giant poof.  All was right with the world for a few minutes.  But just a few.

Maddie’s solo was a Go-Go Dance tap routine that she already knew somehow.  Not to diss Maddie (…since the internet took care of that for me this week, thank you…) but I never realized that there was more than one tap dance even available out there for people to perform.  I swear every time I’ve ever seen anyone tap dance I thought they were doing the same dance.  Is it just me?

I mean, I know you can heel-toe-it a few times and make those big arm circles, but other than that.  Am I wrong?

Mackenzie’s solo was another acrobatic sumthin sumthin with more mature choreography and fewer mouse and bee costume changes.  I think she’s finally growing up, despite those two big Ellie Mae Clampett ponytails that Melissa insists on incorporating into every routine.

And the third routine would give JoJo the opportunity to be a Rebel Without A Cause…if she could ever stop crying.

That’s right.  Abby made JoJo cry when she busted her for using “Master Class” terminology in some Facebook post promoting an upcoming Meet & Greet.  Making the assumption that JoJo’s Dad didn’t earn enough money to cover the mortgage probably didn’t help the situation either.  But Travis came to the rescue out in the hallway (…which totally looked like the same hallway that goes to the Olive Garden bathrooms…) and gave JoJo one of those motivational pep talks that Mike Brady always gave Jan.

You can do it, champ.  Now put your glasses back on.

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That bow big enough?

As all that hilarity was ensuing, the Moms were getting updated on Maddie’s third Sia music video that had just debuted on the internet at 4am.

Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  This Hollywood trip is comedy gold.  If she doesn’t bring her One Woman Show to the Wang Theater in Boston this fall, I’m going to be very unhappy.

Sia texted Melissa just as the Moms were starting to cluck like hens.  I’m going to say that there were approximately 419 HollyFaces this week because there’s no way I could count that fast during these MamaMoments.  At least 86 of them were during this video conversation.  That much I know for certain.

Shia LaBeouf even texted Maddie at some point for some reason, but hopefully not at 4am because that would make even Chris Hansen squirm in front of the Dateline cameras.  I’ll stop here before I get inappropriate.

And then Kira said that everyone else said that the video was boring, which opened up a whole new can o’ worms.  Melissa said she didn’t care what little kids had to say.  And then Holly made some HollyFaces and Jessalynn did another couple minutes of stand-up.

1….What is Kira doing up at 4am in a strange new city anyway?  2…Why does Shia LaBeouf need Maddie’s cell phone number?  3…Why is Maddie’s phone nicer than mine?  4…And why did Melissa just diss a billion 10 year old girls who have the words and choreography to every Sia video memorized when she knows there’s strength in numbers and they could rip the whole front of her new million dollar mansion right off with their bare hands if they all got together after a One Direction concert?

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She knows they’re all still emotionally fragile since Zayn left.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Well, after Travis gave Abby some of THE best Side Eye ever seen in the choreographical world, that is.  I don’t think Abby will be interrupting our boy again any time soon.

Then it was Showtime!  And time for Abby to snatch her weave again.

But at least this time it was for a good cause.  Turns out that Maddie’s Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In bouffant bump wasn’t big enough, so Abby’s Tribble jumped from one head to another just like it did in the Starship Enterprise’s kitchen.  A couple of MacGyver bobby pins and a prayer later…Nancy Sinatra was born.

These boots are made for tappin’.

The Short Version:  JoJo’s Biker Chick rebel even had an arm tattoo and received an Abby Lee Miller High Clap.  Mackenzie’s Surfer Acrobat received the Abby Lee Miller ‘Close To Perfection’ blessing and I almost spit my soda out.  And Maddie’s tap routine almost knocked that same damn weave out a third time.

You that thing bouncing?  She had Muppet Head.  There.  I said it.

I don’t know which Muppet.  I forget.  But it’s the one who popped up and down out of a hole while he was singing with Kermit and his hair kept flapping around the whole time.

As opposed to waacking around.  Which was one of the style of vogueing dances incorporated into the group routine.

Waacking.  The More You Know.

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And how ’bout dat group dance?  Awesome.

Travis nailed it.  The girls looked amazeballs in his new (…coming soon!…) line of dance wear.  Half Ariana, Half Janet and completely not lyrical…the ALDC killed it.  They even whipped the hair and hit the Nae Nae…mmmkay?

And then the Awards were handed out.  Which you knew were a big deal because some girl brought out one of those big sticks from iParty that you pull back like a hunting rifle and then confetti pops out.  Money’s no object for Center Stage.

JoJo got 3rd.  Maddie got 2nd.  Mackenzie got First.

Wait.  What?

You heard me.  Mackenzie beat Maddie.

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And everyone freaked.  But not all in the good way.

This is also when all that editing or not editing drama came into play.  It was a hot mess.

Did Melissa really diss Mackenzie and say that Maddie should have won?  Did Maddie diss Mackenzie by not being happy for her own sister and copping an attitude?  Was Maddie really mad that she ‘only’ got Second Place, which is usually the First Loser?

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Why was everyone rolling their eyes and making so many faces?  They know they’ll never beat a HollyFace.  Why was everyone crying and sulking when we know the Moms love and support all the kids?  And why did Abby say that Mackenzie was already working on her second record when they’re not even called ‘records’ anymore?

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Fercryinoutloud.  It’s 2015, woman.

This is also when I’m glad this recap has gone on way too long and I can end it without having to deal with any of these issues.  I’m still not big on having any adult conversations.

I get nervous whenever they pop up.

Which reminds me.

You should totally watch the Dance Moms SuperFan Takeover shows that are running after the normal Dance Moms episodes.

I find them to be slightly hilarious.  Just saying.

#ShamelesslyPimpYourselfOut.

The End.

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