Posts Tagged ‘Abby Lee Dance Company’

Dance Moms: Looks Like The Candy Apples Sanitation Department Found Some Good Stuff In Abby’s Garbage.

Wednesday, March 25th, 2015

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I swear. I saw all those old wannabe Moms on Twitter and I was all like ‘AwHellNahDurrp.’

 

 

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Hi, Staples? I’d like to order some name tags, because I have no clue who these kids are anymore.

 

 

hf

 

 

Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy…and Crazy.

 

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What do you all think? Does this dress make me look like Kim Kardashian or what? C’mon!

 

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I honestly don’t even know what to say anymore. How about we just talk about my hair?

 

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Hi, Candy Apples? TMZ here. Is your old refrigerator still running? You better catch it. Suckah.

 

 

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This blog wears me out. As opposed to “Wear ‘Em Out,” which is available soon. Holla atcha!

 

 

 

Welcome.

Before we begin, two quick programming notes.

At tonight’s performance, the role of the Candy Apples Competition Team will be played by a whole bunch of brand new people hungry for screen time who have never been part of the Ohio-based dance studio and clearly do not claim a 44708 zip code on their state taxes, much less even know how to get there without accessing their mini-van’s GPS.

And for those of you with the munchies, the snack bar will remain open throughout intermission serving a wide variety of questionably homemade tastiness direct from Canton’s own Jerky King, as well as whatever GoGo Juice is in those gigantic paper coffee cups that the Pittsburgh Dance Moms are always clenching in their sweaty palms.

Now please do enjoy the show.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier Reference:  Let’s get this one out of the way early, too, because there were so many SiaWannaBeYa Moments that I reset my DVR schedule just in case this thing went into overtime.  I thought for sure we were looking at an expanded 90 minute episode this week.  If you were screaming along with Pee Wee Herman‘s Secret Word or taking shots every time someone said “Sia” it was going to be a long night.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Elastic Heart Reference:  There was a new one, too.n

But hold that thought for now.  You’ll see.

With only two weeks to go before the team heads back to LA for another attempt at stardom and ALDC franchising, Abby was more determined than ever to regain her spot at the top of the dance charts.  After a less than stellar showing the first time they all hit the West Coast, it was now officially Game On.

After the Pyramid of Shame, of course.  And some social media buzz.

As the gang all stumbled into the studio for their assignments, everyone was celebrating the release of Maddie‘s second musical collaboration with Sia.  (Scream or take a shot now and then go stand in a corner facing the wall.  Repeat as often as necessary throughout the remainder of the episode and then see how you feel in the morning.)

The ‘Elastic Heart’ video had just hit the internet and was already causing quite a stir online, most likely due to Shia LaBeouf rolling around shirtless inside a bird cage with a tweeny bop girl in a flesh-colored onesie.  But that’s just my guess.

Honestly, Shia LaBeouf is crazy enough when he’s just walking the Red Carpet on E!, so putting him inside a pet carrier only seemed to magnify his crazy pants.

If he had been wearing any pants, I mean.

Side note:  We’ll be skipping the actual Pyramid this week due to so much juicy goodness squished into one episode.  Maddie was on top again, tho.  And all the girls were paired up in duets to celebrate ‘Elastic Heart.’  There you go.  Up to speed.

The video was abstract.  And edgy.  And provocative.  And pretty much made absolutely no sense to the majority of people who Googled it on youtube.  But that didn’t stop everyone from having an opinion.  Which is the first rule of being an art piece, right?r

Lady Gaga 101, people.  Der.

(The video is even posted up there next to this recap.  Feel free to roll on the floor to your elastic heart’s content if you’re one of the 7 people with dial-up who haven’t seen it yet.)

And speaking of rules.  The first rule of being a Real Housewife, whether you’re New Jersey, Atlanta or Pittsburgh-based, is to always snoop each other’s personal cellphones, right?  Because that’s totally what the other Moms did to Kira when they noticed a social media posting on her iPhone from the Evil Dance Lair known as Candy Apples.

Cathy Nesbitt-Stein had just created yet another new competition team.  Really.

Side note:  Can’t you just picture a room full of Cathy’s cast-offs, all sitting around in a circle talking smack about Candy Apples after she tosses them to the curb?  I don’t know it would be in a community center, rehab facility or a psychiatric ward, but I can totally see Lucas Triana swearing at my little buddy Gavin Morales while Anthony Burrell just sits there in an Asia Monet Ray Tour jacket trying on hats.

And you know exactly what I’m talking about.

This time around, Cathy had pulled all the old audition tapes from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition and sent out e-vites to anyone who hadn’t made it to the finish line.  Like an AUDC Reunion Show without Robin Antin bragging about the Pussycat Dolls.

Because she created them, you know.mel

The biggest stand-outs in the ‘New’ CADC were AUDC alums Haley Huelsman and Tessa Renée Wilkinson.  Tessa’s Mom Renée was wearing one of those tight razor sharp chokers that look like the Bride of Frankenstein scar you get when you attach a random head to someone else’s body and Haley’s Mom Melanie‘s KrazyHair was still wet after two years.

Side note:  Those of you who have followed this mess of a blog for a while know that I’m still waiting for Melanie to reimburse me for knocking over my soda in a food court when she was in Boston for a dance competition.  True Story.  With those bling-ed out Mom Jeans and giant purse I suppose I should have seen her coming, but I was too busy Googling ‘Who Is Sia?’ to put up my Force Field in time.

But now I know who Sia is.  And to never leave a diet coke too close to the edge of a plastic tray when the Huelsmans are in town.

Oh.  And Abby hates Melanie because I guess she and her daughter showed up at one of Abby’s book signings and apparently stood in the parking lot signing the same book out of the trunk of their car because Haley was mentioned in a footnote or something.

This show.  I swear.

Side note again:  And how about that giant mosquito statue they showed when we visited the Candy Apples Dance Center?  Only in Ohio would the Tourism Department make a point to highlight a seasonal bug infestation.

Remind me to book a room at the Motel 6 in the middle of a rainy August.

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Did I mention that So You Think You Can Dance winner Chehon Wespi-Tschopp was back again as the CADC guest choreographer?  Because he was.  And it was clear that the Moms were digging his smoldering Telenovela Side Eye.  That one with the short hair looked like she could get a little randy with our boy after a few Jose Cuervos.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  On point.  Sometimes, tho, I worry that her resting body temperature might be a little low.  Especially when she’s completely wrapped up like an Eskimo in one of her signature fur vest and boot ensembles while the rest of the ladies are up there in the MomPerch chillaxing in frilly little Kohl’s tops.

I’m also thinking that maybe those are ice fishing holes out in the parking lot and not pot holes as we’ve been led to believe all this time, because then her outfit makes complete sense.  I love my MomCrush.

Probably even more so now that I know she can gut a Trout.

(And how good does her hair look way up at the top there?  Dang.)

As the ALDC girls rehearsed their ‘Get A Clue’ Hasbro board game routine, Jessalyn decide to give Tessa’s Mom a quick call to get the 411 on the Candy Apples situation.

They already knew each other from AUDC and who knows what else, so Jess figured it would be a quick and easy way to get the dirt.  Until Renée picked up on her end and told Jessalynn to “Get a F***ing Life” that is.  Then not so much.

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Ouch.  Good way to answer the phone when those Florida Timeshare telemarketers call right in the middle of dinner with the family, but probably not cool when it’s an old friend.

In the midst of all this chaos, Melissa was still just as busy as ever pimping out Maddie’s accomplishments.  Can’t blame her.  The girl is on fiyah right now.

But I did find it hilarious that after bragging about Entertainment Tonight, the Ellen Show and every other Hollywood Access Insider Outsider Entertainment TV news magazine she could name drop in one breath, we ended up watching Maddie give an interview to the Murrysville Star, which is one of those free grocery store Pennysaver papers where you can find coupons on insulated double hung windows and complain about how they just closed another post office at the same time.

I’m pretty sure the dude who did the interview also brought his Mom as photographer.

Not to be outdone, Holly snuck down to the front desk and called up Aubrey O’Day again.  I love that Holly has taken on Nia’s career as her new full-time job.

I also love that Holly has Aubrey O’Day on speed dial.  And that Aubrey was on Celebrity Apprentice.  And that I bought a mark-down Donald Trump tie one year at Macy’s and used the restroom at Trump Towers on the same day.  And I even watched American Idol the year that Clay Aiken lost.

And Clay totally went all Drama Queen on Aubrey on Celebrity Apprentice.

The Circle of Life.

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I know, right?  It’s like Holly and Aubrey and I are only separated by like 976 Degrees of Separation now.  We could totally be BFFs if Lifetime didn’t have such tight security during filming.  Or so I heard, I mean.

Aubrey wanted to talk to Nia (…not me, apparently, but Nia…) so Holly scooted down the hall and pulled her out of rehearsal, which caused all kinds of MamaDrama upstairs.

Which was pretty much the exact same thing that happened to Maddie the following day when Entertainment Tonight finally broke down the studio door and rushed the room with a full entourage of camera guys and fuzzy microphone sticks.

But it was Maddie, so it was ok.

Full Disclosure:  Melissa did acknowledge that it was pretty much the same thing that she had just chewed out Holly for doing.  But it was still different.

I love Holly’s HollyFaces when she gets all ‘HollySayWhat?’

I also like that she seemed a little happier this week.  Dr. Beyoncé still isn’t getting the support she feels she deserves from her friends regarding Nia’s relationship with Abby, but with Nia’s musical career starting to take off she has enough to keep her occupied.

(Spoiler Alert:  Nia’s Australian concert.  Just saying.)

Finally, it was Showtime!  And time for the CADC ladies to sneak into the ALDC green room before Abby’s dirty bus pulled up to the bumper.

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(Seriously.  You’re going to be on national television.  Nobody could get a garden hose and wash down that bus?  Is that even legal to be transporting young children when you only have two little peep holes in the windshield?)

And who knew that there were bagels behind all those wrinkly fabric backdrops every week?  Bagels.  All kinds of them.  With cream cheese.

Needless to say, Abby and her team busted the CADC Moms before they could snarf down any snacks and sent them on their way after a brief throw down.

I really can’t explain Melanie’s hair or Renée’s one shoulder cut-out recital concert ensemble during the festivities.  You should probably go back and check the DVR.  That way you could also see the Jessalynn vs. Melanie grudge match reignite right there in the middle of the floor.  When you’re hair is as crazy as your mouth, it makes for good TV.

Kendall and JoJo did a ‘Freaky Friday’ routine where they switched bodies and hair bows.  After five seasons of Dance Moms headgear never staying attached, it was pretty impressive that Kendall was able to snatch JoJo’s holiday accessory right off her head so quickly, clip it into her own hair, do an upside down whatchamacallit and still keep the ginormous thing in place for the remainder of the dance.

Bonus points from this judge if that counts for anything.

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Nia and MackZ (…she’s still MackZ, right?…) were up next with a creepy little girl in the neighborhood kind of thing.  It was pretty powerful even before Nia served Face.

Werk.

Naturally, right before Maddie and Kalani hit the stage for their ‘Walking Through The Storm’ duet, Melanie decided to blow a nutty on Melissa right there in the audience.

Clearly, Haley’s Mom is not a big fan of provocative music video art pieces.  Or hair conditioner.  But leave it to Kira to come to the rescue as she turned to face the entire auditorium and got the crowd cheering for Maddie’s performance.

Or maybe it was for Kira’s new low cut dress that proudly proved to all of Michigan that Arizona has way more to offer vacationers than just a humidity-free dry heat.

Or maybe both.  I dunno.

But they were definitely on their feet for something when Kira turned around.

By the time that both teams had performed their group routines, it was anyone’s guess as to how the whole thing was going to play out.  Everyone felt that they were going to win.

But somebody has to come in Second and be the First Loser, right?

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Once again, Candy Apples drew the short straw.  Second Place.

Which meant that once again, the ALDC took the First Place trophy.  All three top duet spots also got snagged by the ALDC and Abby couldn’t have been happier for a change.

Backstage, all the Candy Apple Moms cried and vowed revenge on Abby.  The whole thing was very emotional.  And traumatizing.  Especially when Melanie hugged Cathy.  It was almost too much KrazyHair for me to handle in one serving.

Across the hall in the ALDC room, the atmosphere was definitely much lighter as everyone celebrated their wins.  Plural.

There was still an underlying division between the Moms, but it definitely felt like they might be able to work it out a little bit during the upcoming Hollywood trip.

But only time will tell.  This is Dance Moms, after all.

For now, it was back to Pittsburgh to put another trophy on the shelf.

And watch that video again.

You know the one.

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Dance Moms: Girl, Pleez…Do Not Even Tell Me This Is Nia’s Last Chance. It’s All About Those New Rules In Philly.

Wednesday, March 18th, 2015

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Here you go, Sparky. I just need you to keep the tags on in case you go crazy pants on me again.

 

 

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She was all up in my face and that nasty perfume Jill keeps buying her was burning my eyes.

 

 

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Like I’ve only been Holly’s BFF for 12 minutes and she already flat ironed my bangs. Besties!

 

 

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I wasn’t even paying attention, but doing a Manicure Dance sounds awesome. I hope it’s Acro-crylic.

 

 

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Srsly. My life, tho.

 

 

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Mommy loves you, Baby. But nobody touches my hair when it’s on point. You know the rules.

 

 

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This is why I quit doing the windows at Macy’s. These things weigh a ton.

 

 

 

With apologies to Billy Joel, of course.

It comes down to reality (…TV…)

And it’s fine with me ’cause I’ve let it slide.

Don’t care if it’s Chinatown or on the Riverside.  Or even Philly, actually.

I’m in a New York Dance Experience State of Mind.

Or outta my mind, maybe.

That would depend on which Dance Mom you talk to, I guess.

After getting back some of their post-Hollywood mojo and unleashing a beatdown on the Candy Apples last week, Abby Lee Miller and Company were ready to see if lightening could strike twice with a trip to the New York Dance Experience competition in beautiful downtown Philadelphia.  Because Philly ain’t just for cream cheese anymore.

Apparently, due to its proximity to NYC, Philadelphia is now crawling with Broadway wannabes who like their critiques LIVE and instantaneous.  At least according to Abby, anyway, because that’s how this latest event was going to work the score sheets.

You dance.  And then you stand there while the judges give you tough love.

Yikes.

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Clearly, the team was going to have to be on their A Game for this one.  Maybe even their A Plus Game.  But not before the Pyramid of Shame.

Because rules are rules.

As everyone stampeded into the studio, it was clear that there was still a division between the Moms.  But why?

Holly blamed it on Jill and Melissa‘s lack of support and for them not having her back when it came to all the seemingly endless conflicts with Abby.  Kira blamed Jill and Melissa because of that time Jill swore at her and she misinterpreted it as talking s*** about her kid, I think.  I forget exactly how it all went down.  But there was definitely a lot of bleeping during that conversation.  And something about credit fraud.

I remember that part.

Jessalynn blamed Jill and Melissa because somehow between the end of last week’s episode and the opening credits for this week she had become Holly’s new BFF.

F’realz.  They were like totes Besties now.  OMG.  And I was like so jealz.

Personally, I blame MattyB, because nobody should be that young and that famous.  He literally tore apart three friendships and his hair didn’t even move.  That ain’t rite.

As everyone fell into position, each girl carried in one of those 5 x 7 note cards that my boy Andy Cohen always holds during Real Housewives Reunion Shows and I got myself a little worked up that Teresa Giudice had somehow broken out of prison and was hiding out in Pittsburgh.  Because that would have been awesome.

Psych.

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Abby had just assigned everyone homework.  And the class was  Freshman Hazing 101.

Suddenly, it was Rush Week at the ALDCFU Sorority as each girl read something good and something bad about Honey Bow Bow Child JoJo until she cried.  And I’m not making that up.  And I make up a lot of stuff.

There was even a CNN satellite truck stuck in one of the potholes outside the building, getting ready to break into the broadcast with another story on how out of control the Greek system is on our college campuses today.  But they couldn’t.

Because of the potholes.  Five seasons later.

But all the emotional scarring was worth it in the end when Abby announced that BowBowJoJo was finally, officially (…albeit kinda sorta temporarily…) a member of the ALDC Team!  Really?  Now way.  Way.  Really.

Come on down and get your track jacket, you crazy NutJob!

The sacred jacket.  I swear.  That’s what Abby called it.

I don’t know what makes it sacred.  Or how sacred it really is, but I’m going to assume it’s somewhere between that religious Shroud on CNN and the eBay potato chip that looks like Elvis Presley.

Side note:  What are the chances that Dance Moms and CNN would both be on the same cutting edge when it comes to story lines lately?  That’s two Breaking News Bulletins already and we haven’t even revealed the Pyramid.

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Which was just a straight line with Maddie‘s picture on top, BTW.  So there you go.

This week Maddie, Kendall and Nia all scored solos.  Maddie was going to be a mannequin.  Kendall was going to dance like that lady with the big hat who dragged her steamer trunks up the loading ramp onto the Titanic and Nia was going to place in the Top Five with her ‘Color Purple’ routine or never get a solo again.  Because Abby said so.

Poor Sasha.  She just can’t cut a break with that lady lately.

I’m thinking that Nia is the new Chloe.  Who was the new Paige.  Who was the new Brooke.  Abby always seems to need at least one chew toy to gnaw on each season.

Golly, I miss those Hyland kids.  (Hey, girls!  Give your Mom a slap for me.)

Kidding.  Kidding.  Is that lawsuit even still going on?  I don’t get home in time to watch TMZ anymore.  Violence is never the answer, kids, but it would probably be ok if you wanted to put that iconic backroom slap into the Time Capsule with Teresa Giudice flipping a restaurant table and a couple episodes of the Maury Show.

The Circle of Life.  See what I did there?

The group dance was going to be a a Decadent Darlings’ 1920s Musical Theater period piece.  Abby was so sick and tired of all the Moms asking for something besides Lyrical that she was willing to give up a guaranteed First Place spot this week by throwing in choreography that was out of everyone’s comfort zone just to prove a point.

The point being:  It’s Abby’s name on the outside of the building and don’tchoo fergit it.jv

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  My MomCrush was on fiyah.  Easily a Top Three Bump-It week.  And don’t even get me started on her winter white Lost In Space vest.

Danger, Will Robinson.  Hot Stuff Ahead.

While the girls rehearsed their respective routines, Holly, Kira and Jessalyn had a private three-way Pinky Swear Moment up in the MomPerch as they united in their newly formed friendship.  Jessalynn called it a ‘pact’ which was a little too Summer Camp for me, but I could see where she was going with that one.  Unfortunately, when Jill and Melissa got wind of the newly formed Three Musketeers they were not big fans.

It’s always sad to see long term friendships get a little wobbly, but I’m still holding out hope that everyone hugs it out sooner than later because the last thing I want to end up doing is sitting in dead silence between Holly and Jill in some restaurant when they finally come to Boston and take me to lunch.  Which they totally better be planning while they’re laying around on some beach in Australia right now.

I mean, seriously.  Expense it to Lifetime.  They’ll never know.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier Reference:  Yup.  There was one of those.

Kendall’s rehearsal went well, despite Abby barking at her the entire time as she tried to maneuver around a pile of suitcases like one of those military guys who rappel down the side of a building to rescue hostages.

Sit.  Fan.  Rinse.  Spit.  Duck.  Cover.  Roll.  Attitude.  h1 2

A lot of things to remember if you ask me.

Nia, on the other hand, got the even shorter end of the stick.  Again.

Abby was having a hard time letting go of the whole Hollywood MattyB music video thing (…See?  Told you so.  I called it…) and was using her personal issues with Holly to try and drag Nia down even further than the last time she tried to drag her down.

But Nia was strong.  She’s not that little 3 year old baby anymore, lady.  She was mature and respectful and asked Abby why she couldn’t keep the Mama Drama separate from the dancing.  Good question.

Abby doesn’t like sneaky people and liars.  Or murderers, which was an oddly uncomfortable comparison given that Nia only cut a single, not someone’s throat.

But Abby doesn’t like sneaky people.  Or liars.  Or axe murderers.  Nia, on the other hand, doesn’t really like getting yelled at by Abby.

And I don’t like people who don’t buy Nia’s new iTunes single, which you can totally download right here if you want to stay on my good side.  Because you know how I get.

But I digress.

Outside in the hallway, Holly and Nia had a heart to heart discussion.  It was clear that Nia was not going to be broken down by a mean spirited dance teacher and that Holly’s hair looked pretty amazing considering how stress usually makes everything go whacky.a1

Finally, it was Showtime!

And finally, that little screaming girl with the gigantic hair bow wasn’t spliced into the scene again going completely bonkers in the crowd.  Nice we could give that clip a week’s rest.

Side note:  Please refer to last week’s recap if you have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about.  That way you can quench your thirst for knowledge and I can get more Google hits like Perez Hilton.  Cuz watch your back, dude.  I’m coming for you.

But there were still plenty of screaming kids, don’t you worry.  It’s just that this time they were precariously perched on a moving mall escalator instead of a flat sidewalk.  So much for holding the railing and looking straight ahead like the yellow sign says.

I’m surprised they weren’t trying to bring strollers down the hill with overstuffed H&M bags on top of their babies’ heads.  Because they do that, you know.  With their white Sidekicks wedged between their left ear and shoulder so they can dip Auntie Anne’s pretzel sticks into hot mustard with their free hand.

I know, right?  Working retail through college really made me a People Person.

Rachel Rak Alert:  The “Sas” is back!

Over the top and out of her chair, everyone’s favorite judge from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition was back to smile, whip her hair, bite the apple and get all Flashdance on everyone’s a** just like she did when she used to sit next to Richy Jackson.

Once a judge, always a judge I guess.

For old time’s sake, I gave her two finger waves and a head snap since Richy was apparently too busy doing GagaStuff to be bothered with showing up in Pennsylvania this week.  There was also some hip hop guy and a woman who looked like that lady from Florence and the Machine, but all that really mattered was that The Sas Was Back and throwing sparkly attitude straight into everyone’s unprotected eyes.rr

According to the rules, after each dance, a woman who I believe does the weather on Philly FOX29 was going to come out and ask the judges for their input.  The judges would then talk into a microphone that looked exactly like those beer hoses that come out of a keg, so I don’t really now what was going on under that table to be honest.

But Rachel was liking it.  A lot.

Nia was first up with her solo and got amazing notes from the judges.  Maddie and Kendall followed and actually received more negative feedback than Nia, which made Holly, Kira and Jessalyn do an impromptu Three Amigo football wave right out of their chairs.

Side note:  Abby didn’t crack a smile during Nia’s performance, but almost needed a cigarette by the time Maddie was done performing.  I’m sure some of it was editing, since that’s what Abby always says on Twitter at 10:01pm after the show ends every week.

But, still.

And speaking of editing.  We finally got rid of Spazzy HairBowGirl in the bus arrival scene (…who I LOVE, don’t get me wrong…) only to have her replaced by a clip of the ALDC girls entering the backstage Green Room not ONCE…but TWICE.

Count ‘em.  Busted.

How many times is Kalani gonna hold that door open?  It’s only a one hour show, people.

Anyone else see that?  This show is seriously  messing with my OCD ADD LOL issues.  If Holly and Jill aren’t gonna get up here and pay for my lunch pretty soon, I’m going to Lifetime Studios and take over for all the post-production editors they must be firing.  Then cocktails will be on me, ladies.j

Side note:  Yes, I am probably the worst person to take to the movies since I’m constantly on the lookout for bloopers.  I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive Kevin Costner for driving the wrong way on that one way street in front of Fenway Park.

But thanks for asking.

The group routine was all about that Charleston.

The girls actually looked like they were having fun doing something besides lyrical leg extensions.  Even the audience loved it.

Unfortunately, fun doesn’t always translate into a First Place trophy.  Not even Second Place sometimes.  The ALDC only pulled Third, which Jill felt could have been a result of the fractured Moms rubbing off on their children.  But we’ll never know for sure.

As stressful as the group result was, the solo awards that came right before that announcement were even worse.  Nobody won nuthin until the very last minute when Maddie took First Place for her mannequin dance.  You didn’t hear it from me, but she’s certainly getting her money’s worth from that skin colored Sia leotard.  Just saying.

Carrying her on stage like you were setting up a Prom display at Barney’s was pretty clever, tho.  I’ll give Abby her props for that one.

And how about that little niblet from another studio who won Fifth Place?  They put the medal around her neck and she fell over.  What was she, like 3 years old?  So cute.

Kendall didn’t place.  Nia didn’t place.

Which meant that backstage, things went exactly as you would expect.

Abby threatened to put nothing but lyrical dances on stage until the day she died.  Then she threatened Nia with no more solos.  Then everyone lost it, screaming something about pacts and making friendship bracelets out of yarn and gum wrappers.h

I say it every week.  You don’t mess with a Mother’s love for their kid.  But can you put your kid first and still support your friends?  And what is with all this favoritism after all these years?  Did we learn nothing from The Slap?

It was hard to tell who was on whose side by the end.  I swear, if you walk out of the room and come right back to your television with a snack, somebody’s loyalty has already shifted in the 30 seconds it took you to open the refrigerator.

Abby said these Dance Moms just need to get in their car, go home and make dinner.

Wait.  What?

Holly has a PhD.  I don’t think opening a box of Mac and Cheese is her only option if you keep punching her in the gut.  I’d be careful if I were you, ma’am.

As a matter of fact, this is what it might look like if Holly left.  Because she did.  She got right up and walked out of the room like she was channeling Christi or something.

Done.  I’m done.

I lost count of how many times Jill said “Holly, please don’t leave” because I ran out of fingers right before my DVR timed out.  Kira and Jessalynn only speaking in static morse code all like “She.  I.  You.  But.  We.” didn’t help my concentration either.

Melissa and Jill scooted out after Holly, but didn’t really accomplish much.  But they’re not giving up hope just yet.  Even the worst fractures can be reset and heal up just fine over time.  So we need to fix this now, before they all head back to California for Round Two.

But not next week.

Next week is The Return of Candy Apples.

You heard me.  She’s baaaack.

To be continued…

mj

Dance Moms: Sorry, Sheriff. This Town Ain’t Big Enough For Two Maddies. It’s A Showdown At The Jersey Corral.

Wednesday, March 11th, 2015

nia

 

 

I’m looking at you with my It’s Been A Week And You Still Haven’t Downloaded My Single Side Eye.

 

 

g

 

 

Am I the only one who sees Godzilla busting through the wall behind me? What is this place?

 

 

bow

 

 

OMG! It’s me again! It’s like I just follow the ALDC tour bus around and scream my brains out!!!

 

 

rhoa

 

 

I said you’re falling out of your damn dress and the Candy Apples are gonna win the whole thing.

 

v1

 

 

 

Don’t turn around, but how the hell did Vivi-Anne get that underwear model for a babysitter?

 

l

 

 

 

Girl, you do NOT want me to put my phone down and lift my leg up right here in the hallway.

 

j

 

 

 

Honestly, I just wanna take off these heels and have a beer that’s about this big right now.

 

 

 

Attention.

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me now?

Don’t make me get my bullhorn.  Because I will.

No time for witty intros.  The Candy Apples are back.  And it’s a long one, so let’s do this.

Still trying to regroup after The Great Hollywood Divide, the Dance Moms gang headed into their second week back home with some snappy new Pittsburgh Galleria threads for the Moms and shiny leotards for the girls that were straight out of the Wizard of Oz.

Am I wrong?  I don’t think so.

Let’s keep it real.  When it comes to marketing her brand, Abby Lee Miller makes my head hurt.  From what I can tell, the official ALDC colors are black and white and that hot pinkish whatever it is color.  At least that’s what’s on all the banners and painted on the walls.  And when they randomly choose to wear their track suits (…shouldn’t that be a requirement when you come off the bus?..) they’re made from the same color swatches.

So when the girls all bounced in for the Pyramid of Shame looking like they had just finished re-stuffing the Scarecrow down at the Emerald City Day Spa,  I didn’t know what to think.  Was it just me?

Buff Buff Here.  Stuff Stuff Here.

I mean, even Abby’s newly down-sized, over-sized logo top was emerald green.

br

Don’t get me wrong.  It was a nice color.  Like those LLBean fleece zip-ups that everyone wears on Sunday at Whole Foods.  And, honestly, it was probably pretty irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.  But it confused me.  Like if the New England Patriots suddenly came running out onto the field in new colors.

Which would be so wrong on so many levels.

Because.  I mean.  Red, White and Blue.  You don’t mess with it.

‘Merica.  We salute you.  Now back to our story.

Bottom of the Pyramid was anchored down by Nia, Honey Bow Bow Child JoJo and MackZ.  The mezzanine level was home to Kendall and Maddie, which left just enough room at the top for Kalani.

Oh.  And tiny Brynn Rumfallo was back in the lineup.  She’s very excited to be here, thank you.  She’s Abby’s latest recruit and looks exactly like the Tinker Bell cartoon you see on cups and plates about halfway down the girl aisle at Party City.

Which reminds me:  Happy Birthday, Kendall!  Everybody clapped and wondered why there was no cake.  There should always be cake.  Always.  I hope this new and improved Abby Lee Miller doesn’t mean we’re cutting back on the pastries.

This week, the crew was headed to Wayne, NJ for another Sheer Talent competition.

Maddie and Brynn scored solos.  Everyone clapped, but not as enthusiastically as they did when they thought there would be cake.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier Reference:  Maddie had a reputation now.  Her Sia video was nominated for FOUR Grammys!  Count ‘em…FOUR!  We’re going to the Grammys!

c

Hilariously, Maddie was quick to point out that OMG she was “so not going to the Grammys WITH Abby,” which I assumed meant that she would be driving herself to the Staples Center.  I didn’t realize she was old enough to have a license, but then again I’ve never actually seen any of the Ziegler’s birth certificates, so who knows.

But she’s not going with Abby, that’s fo’ sho.

The group routine was entitled ‘Dance In The Rain’ and was a typically subliminal Abby mash-up about waiting for meteorological (…and choreographical…) storms to pass.

Since MackZ (…yes, I believe she’s still on this show if I’m not mistaken…) and Nia had previously both won national titles in Las Vegas (…you go, Sasha!  First One!…) part of their responsibilities as crown holders was to dig out their old Toddlers & Tiaras sashes and hand out trophies on stage this weekend.  Exciting, right?  How fun.

Upon hearing that news, Nia was quite excited.  Who wouldn’t be?  But apparently she was not excited enough to bust out a handstand into a backward somersault ending in a signature Death Drop followed by a Times Square balloon drop and a confetti popper, which irked Abby so much so that she got all up in Nia’s grill about her lack of enthusiasm.

What?  Oh, sorry.  I was too busy climbing the iTunes charts with my new single.  What did you just say, Miss Abby?  Snap.  And another snap.  In a ‘Z’ formation.

Srsly.  Even when Nia is just looking both ways before crossing the street on her way to school, she has THE best Side Eye ever.  The.  Best.

And don’t forget to buy her single.  Like right now.  Right here.

Holly and I both finally blew a nutty with all this never ending NiaNeedling.

Enough.  Enough.

hf

And enough.

Insert random shots of Melissa nodding and agreeing and twitching a little here: _____.

Holly didn’t regret any of the decisions she made when the team was in California.  Not the recording studio.  Not the music video.  And she shouldn’t.  Because she did it for her daughter.  And that’s what a Mom does.

Side note:  If anyone is asking, that blowout haircut right up there is one of my favorite HollyLooks.  I think she’s singing one of the songs from Dreamgirls, actually.  And if you’re not asking, I just told you anyways.

As everyone got down to business, we scooted over to Ohio for a few minutes, to check in on Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Candy Apples.  Long time no see, folks.

This week, Cathy had lured choreographer Erin Babbs back up to Canton.  Because, I mean, who wouldn’t want to leave all the glitz and glamor of sunny Los Angeles and spend a week trapped in a dance studio that’s attached to a place that sells homemade turkey jerky via local cable access infomercials?

I miss Chloe.  And her mini-Gaga Meat Dress.  Those were good times.

Erin, who we last saw giving the ALDC a beatdown in Hollywood, appeared more than happy to bring her expensive sunglasses and fancy choreography to Ohio if it meant humiliating Abby Lee Miller one more time.

Side note:  How much do we love Lady Killer Lucas Triana and those patootie Morales kids?  So precocious.  And how about all that Twitter drama with their respective Mamas?

Lawd.  I can’t even.

Gurrrrrl…you just need to Google it, because if I get started we’ll never see the end of this episode.  But trust me.  It’s Hair Salon juicy, so pull up a dryer and let’s dish.

cj

I love me some Lucas, except when he gets a little mouthy.  Such a playa.  He’s been my idol ever since the Dance Moms: Miami days when his head was too big for his body.

Remember when he swore at my boy Gavin and made him cry last season?  That wasn’t cool.  Not cool at all.  Because Gavin’s my boy and he has one of the best WTF face I’ve ever seen.  Who you callin’ a bitch, Bitch?

It was almost worth it just to see Mama Joanne Morales lose her nutty, though.  Almost.

Lucas just needs to know when to adjust the dial, because MiamiCute isn’t always gonna fly once you hit puberty.  Uncle Dan’s just trying to help, Cowboy.  That’s all.

Spoiler Alert:  The second trip back to Ohio wasn’t any better.  Cathy felt Lucas was acting squirrelly.  His Mom Brigette was starting to lose interest in the whole Ohio situation.  And Joanne kept phutzing with her long bangs and buzzed side of her hairdo.

Full disclosure:  I can’t remember the other two Moms’ names.  My bad.  I’m sure they’re very nice, but they were too scared to talk around Brigette and Joanne so they probably should have just gone next door and picked up some nice officially licensed Ohio Hickory Farms souvenirs while the kids were jumping around.

Jerky.  The Canton gift that keeps on giving.

Back in PA, the girls were rehearsing their brains out while the Moms finished unpacking the rest of their emotional baggage from the Hollywood trip.  Brynn’s Mom Ashlee was still blindly basking in the glow of the ALDC Honeymoon Phase, so he had no idea what to expect.  Blissfully oblivious I think they call it.

My MomCrush Jill wanted Holly to clear the air with Abby (…good luck with that, BTW…) and JoJo’s Mom Jessalynn was remarkably normal for the second week in a row.

Gotta admit.  Jessalynn’s starting to grow on me faster than her daughter’s roots are coming in.  She makes some really funny faces.

jj

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  On point again.  Nothing too crazy this week.  Her focus was clearly on setting up Kendall’s BDay party and planning a trip to Boston so we can go shopping.  Hint:  Macy’s is having another One Day Sale this weekend.  With a preview day on Friday.  And I’ve got a coupon.  Just saying.

The Moms weren’t quite as divided as last week, but you could still cut the tension with a knife.  If you wanted to pull it out of Holly’s back, I mean.  Dr. Beyoncé still didn’t feel that the other ladies were behind her 100% and it’s a discussion that will clearly drag on for a few more weeks.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Side note:  Busted.

We already know that Lifetime is notorious for recycling little snippets of video and going completely hot mess on their continuity if they find leftover B-Roll in a drawer.  Don’t even get me started on that one.  I watched last week’s Bring It! two times before I even realized that it was a new episode.

But this time?  That same little hyper spaz girl with the hair bow going completely hyper spaz in her hair bow when the bus pulled up to the curb?

Busted.

Unless the lady behind her with the Canon SureShot is a math tutor and they legitimately pulled this peanut out of school so they can follow the ALDC bus around the country like two Aerosmith groupies, that’s the same footage from whenever that kid was on this show the first time going hyper spaz.

Granted, she is so freakin’ cute that I would be totally ok if they spliced her into every episode for the rest of the series (…it might actually make for some comic relief if she screamed every time Holly made a HollyFace…can you even imagine?  I died a little just thinking about it…) but c’mon, people.

bh

Side note Numero Dos:  If you fire the person who did that editing, I would be more than happy to come work for Lifetime Television and get advance copies of each episode so I can go to bed earlier on Tuesday nights.  Just thinking out loud.  Hook a brother up, guys.

Did I forget to mention that Cathy came stomping into the venue with a bullhorn?  Because she did.  And it was loud.  And childish.  And loud.  Very loud.

She also bullied some poor girl into taking an iPad selfie with her even though the poor thing was waiting for Abby to come around the corner.

Backstage, in a makeshift Green Room that was even crazier than last week’s makeshift Green Room (…this show is straight up visual overload for somebody like me…) Brigette dropped by to say Hi and then got busted by Cathy for fraternizing with The Enemy.

Somewhere around now was when Lucas rolled his eyes like he was Caroline Manzo on the Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Part Two.  You’re Garbage.

Maddie’s solo went like all the other Maddie solos.  Abby was afraid that her training had suffered because she was jet setting around the country pimping out that Sia video and becoming the next Disney IT Girl, but she did just fine.  Because she’s Maddie.

And she won First Place.  Der.

Side note:  What is Melissa always scribbling in those dance programs?  It’s like she’s picking her favorite horse to Win, Place and Show or something.  Anyone know?

Brynn’s solo was equally as well done.  Since Abby specifically imported her from Neverland to become the New Maddie, it was imperative that she dress her in basically the same costume and dim the lights a little so nobody had a clue who was actually on stage.  I think it worked.

For such a tiny little thing, Brynn has some crazy long flexible legs.  She got Second.

bsb

Vivi-Anne sighting:  I almost didin’t recognize her without ice cream.  But there she was, all sniffly and fidgety with her new Calvin Klein model Manny.  You see that dude?  And you know how Abby likes her ManCandy.  They totally edited out the part where Abby dropped her phone behind her seat and had to reach between his legs to find it before it started vibrating.

The phone, I mean.  Don’t be nasty.

The ALDC group dance, despite the MaddieCam focusing on one dancer a little too much, was really well done.  I swear these girls grow taller with every episode.

And then the Candy Apples hit the stage with one seriously whacked out edgy routine.

At first it kinda sorta reminded me of Asia Monet Ray‘s Wizard of Oz dance (…two references in one week?  What are the chances?…) from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition when she wore 47 yards of black garbage bag and almost gave her Mom Kristy Ray an aneurysm.  But then it kinda sorta reminded me of when they have to roll out that baseball field tarp during rain delays.  I couldn’t decide.

Regardless of what I thought, it was basically 4 military parachutes’ worth of fireproof fabric turned into a dress that all the boys had to whip around like they were sending smoke signals to the cheap seats in the back of the auditorium.

Holly had to admit that it was pretty cool, even though all that flapping did mess up her hair a little.  And you know how Mama is about her hair lately.

The ALDC won First Place, which meant that the CADC took Second.

Which meant that straight up chaos erupted in the hallway.  No wonder someone had blocked the exit doors with the same folding metal grates you always see pulled down in front of liquor stores after they close for the night.  You see that?  Is that even Fire Code?

Brigette called out Cathy for…I dunno…being Cathy, I guess.  Joanne got cranky.  Jill screamed something about Tea and Crumpets and I wondered why the Queen of England would even be in Wayne, NJ at this time of year for a dance competition.

mz

Jill stole Cathy’s bullhorn.  Because of course.  Plus, the only thing better than being loud and childish is to add grand larceny into the mix, right?

(In her defense, my MomCrush did admit that she wasn’t proud of her behavior.  But…oh, well.  Too late now, suckahs.)

Cathy fired Lucas from the Candy Apples.  Brigitte told Lucas to go back in and quit, which kind of defeated the purpose of being fired in the first place if you really think about it.  And then Lucas started mad trippin’ in the hallway by the lockers and suddenly morphed from Caroline Manzo into one of the beasts from VH1’s Bad Girls Club, whipping his iPhone around and screaming about how they all treat him like crap.

MmmHmmm.  I hear dat, girlfriend.  Shoot.

I think he even gave Gavin a wedgie and then shoved him in a locker if I’m not mistaken.

That poor GDawg can’t cut a break lately.

In all the excitement, Kira realized that her clingy dress had hiked up too far, but luckily recovered just in time before anyone had to splice in that little girl screaming again.

You catch that?  Yikes.

Then it was over.  I can’t remember if Melissa actually spoke this week.  I know Holly just needed a break after the last few episodes.  Can you blame her?

Abby was laughing and having the time of her life as the credits started to roll.  It was almost creepy she was so happy.  She decided to keep the old Maddie and send the new one back home for who knows how long.  Don’t fret, though.  Nobody ever seems to go away for good on this show.

We even got a quick glimpse of the kids actually being…just kids…as they snatched the bullhorn and ran around backstage.  It was cute.

Jersey was fun, but it was time to go home.

See ya next time.

Buh bye.

hi


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