Dance Moms: All The First Ladies…Put Your Hands Up! In DC, The Politics Of Dancing Give Chloe Her Revenge.Wednesday, August 27th, 2014
You need to stop hating on us New Moms. That strap looks exactly like a real Louis bag.
What you need to do is give those tiny shorts back to your daughter and then maybe we can talk .
If I had known that slapping her really voids your contract, Kelly and I would be at Disneyland today.
Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie
They were booty shorts. I used to send kids home with a note for hoochin’ up in those things.
Do you think they’re coming back or can we start working on those mozzarella sticks over there?
So am I the only one concerned that it says ‘suck’ and ‘flank’ on the board behind me? Really?
And so it begins. Again.
The Road to Nationals.
Get used to hearing it. A lot.
It’s a pretty big deal. At least according to the Dance Moms Advisory System, because we’re already at Threat Level: Orange and there are still five weeks to go.
And you could tell, because as soon as Abby Lee Miller activated the Countdown Clock, everyone started running around like they were Jack Bauer trying to single handedly intercept a Candy Apples drone strike aimed directly at the ALDC.
I actually suggested to Lifetime TV that they incorporate the 24:Live Another Day digital ticker before every commercial break leading up to Nationals, but they haven’t responded yet. I also suggested they pay me to write these hilarious recaps and send me advance DVD copies of each episode so I can get some sleep on Tuesday nights, but that hasn’t happened either. I must have the wrong email address.
Regardless, even when Cathy Nesbitt-Stein has your studio in the crosshairs of an impending launch sequence, there’s still time for a quick Pyramid of Shame.
As everyone trampled in for the latest reveal, the room was almost filled to capacity. The Original Recipe Moms and dancers were once again joined by most of the New Select Moms and their offspring. Hiatus is over. Back to work, New People.
Reunited and it feels so good.
They were coming out of the woodwork. Moms For Miles, which should totally be the name of a charity walk if it’s not already.
Future City Council wife Loree and Jade were still hanging with the Original Moms, so the scale was tipped a little heavy on the Elite Team side of the room, which didn’t go unnoticed by the Select Moms.
Side note: Every time they called themselves the Select Moms all I could think of was low-sodium soup or that dog food you have to cut with a knife.
Have you ever seen Freshpet Select at the store? You should Google it. It looks exactly like the Pillsbury Tollhouse Cookie sausage that you cut and bake.
Except that it’s dog food.
Trust me, you do not want to confuse the two when you’ve got the munchies at 3am after stumbling home from a frat party. At least that’s what a friend told me, I mean.
At the Pyramid, there was only one Christi this week, so it was easier to keep track of who said what snarky thing to Abby.
Christi #1 was there behind Chloe. Kristie #2 was off doing that Raising Asia show with the guy from Fame who used to have a mullet. And Christ-y #3 was still banned from the studio and was presumably back home somewhere taking out the garbage.
Seriously. This show sure has a lot of Christies.
Jeanette and Ava were back after spending time shopping at (…legally required disclaimer…) Not-Forever 21. Tami and tiny Tea’ were also standing there, getting all OhNoYou’reNotStayingWithTheOldTeam as soon as they saw Loree.
My girl Kamryn even took a breather from over-achieving and managed to find some time to pop on another glitzy headband and hang with her New Team homies. Mom Jodi was behind her looking all proud of the Kia Kamster’s recently awarded Nobel Peace Prize, even though she could barely see over her daughter’s head.
Tracy and Sarah (…no ‘R’ needed this week since the other Sarah was MIA…) were also in the line-up, though I don’t think this Sarah actually talked during the entire episode.
Bottom of the Pyramid: MackZ, Chloe and Nia. Middle row: Jade and Kendall.
Jade had a really gorgeous headshot that thankfully didn’t incorporate fans or anything that would make Mom say “She looks the part” again. How odd was that last week?
And then Maddie was at the top. Rinse and Repeat.
FYI…just so you know. I have it from a reliable source that they had to reshoot part of this scene because Holly‘s hip hop majorette outfit was showing underneath her long blue dress. It’s true. You could totally see the silver fringe.
I told you when Dr. Beyoncé started wearing her hair all clipped and swept to one side that I knew something was up. That’s some serious Bring It! hair if I’ve ever seen it.
It was also nice to see that Melissa and my MomCrush Jill had finally worked out an arrangement where they would alternate who wore the Bump-It so there was no more unnecessary competition in that category. You go, Mrs. Z-G and all your big hair.
Jackin’ it to Jesus like they used to say on Toddlers & Tiaras.
This week the mob scene was headed to Washington, DC for the Believe Dance Competition. Ava scored a ‘Drizzle’ solo (…like the rain, not the ice cream syrup…) which got her very excited. Maddie was also handed a solo which was going to be set to music written specifically for her, because apparently she is now also an inspiration to songwriters as well as all the kids down at Miss Tina’s School of Tap.
(Spoiler Alert: You just wait till this song lady shows up.)
Miley Cyrus licked a sledge hammer and sat naked on a Wrecking Ball to beat out Sia at the VMAs this week, BTW. Which was not cool. Not cool at all. Maddie was robbed.
The New Team would dance a group routine entitled ‘First Ladies’ which was right up Loree’s alley if you’ve ever seen her Bucket List. But unfortunately she and Jade stayed with the Old Team, which would be doing a number called ‘America Gone.’
Side note: I’m calling them Old and New from now on, because I keep losing track of Elite and Select and Junior Elite and Junior Select and Normal ALDC labels. This show has really gotten to be a lot or work lately.
Oh. And Chloe got booted to the New Team to balance things off a little.
Christi Meltdown in 3…2…1.
As the New Moms hit the Old MomPerch (…see how much work this is now?…) the Old Moms (…no offense intended…) and one relocated New Mom headed outside for some fresh air and smack talk.
Honestly, I don’t even remember what they talked about before they went back inside because they were all standing in front of a new secret door that we’d never seen before. What is that? With the pink awning? Did you see that? Is that a yogurt place? Because that would be awesome after a long rehearsal. It didn’t match the ALDC door, so now I need to know what’s going on over there.
Remember how the Candy Apples joint had that secret attached beef jerky store that we never saw until Chloe put on a meat dress? Maybe that’s a thing now. (Lucrative side businesses…not meat dresses.)
Anyone reading this in Pittsburgh who can scoot over on their lunch break and tell me what the dealio is? I’d be forever grateful and I’ll even cover your mileage if it’s a hike.
The next day, ALL the Moms ended up outside again. The Old ones and the New ones. And we probably need to talk about these shorty shorts that Jeanette and Tami insist on wearing every day.
What the what? OMG. Mom, you’re embarrassing me. Totes McGotes Embar.
You know Holly was dying inside. Dying. Jill, on the other hand, didn’t even try to hide her smirk and just made me love her more. When she pretends to be having issues with her bangs…that’s VertesCode for Hot Mess.
And what’s with the pervy camera man who always shoots them from behind every time they wear those things? Cuz he does. You saw it. And I saw it. Remember when Tami threw down in the lobby and then walked outside? Butt shot.
And he did it again this time as the Old Moms went inside and the New Moms wandered off into the distance. And where do they keep going that they always need to walk away from the building in the middle of taping?
I’ll bet you a FroYo with sprinkles from the pink awning store that next week it’s in slow motion like Baywatch.
Rant is over. Moving on.
Clearly, shifting Chloe to the New Team had really gotten under Christi’s skin, because she didn’t let up for a minute about how they were all now set up to fail. She was super-sizing her negativity this week. Ava is the sacrificial lamb going up against Maddie and Jade. Blah Blah. And one more Blah.
And then Rachel Sage showed up to celebrate National Maddie Day by singing a special Maddie Song. And it was…colorful.
Google her. We loved her. She’s a SoHo BoHo WhoaNo independent visual artsy singer songwriter type who looks exactly like you’d imagine someone would look if they had filmed Blue’s Clues in Greenwich Village and made a puppet out of construction paper and glitter that came to life once you found the magic unicorn dust.
Exactly like that. But with a flower in her hair.
She was borderline obsessed with Maddie and had written her a coffee shop guitar song with a chorus that went something like “None of the other girls matter.” I forget exactly.
Everyone was a little WhoaNoSheDin’tJustSingThat. Especially Christi, who was really not having a good week. But Rachel meant well. I even put on my felt beret and finger snapped when she was done. It’s a look that I might hold on to for Fall until it gets cold.
As the competition got closer, Christi got crankier, Ava fumbled around with her drizzly umbrella prop and Loree invited all the New Moms to lunch so they could discuss why everyone thought she was a traitor.
Side note: Jeanette wore a Not-Forever 21 top in an interview sniglet that had a big knife gash across the chest, which I sincerely hope didn’t happen when she was alone in the parking lot wearing those booty shorts. Maybe that’s why they always travel in packs. I’d hate for anything to happen to any of them.
Should probably also mention that somedays Jeanette has some seriously curly Flashdance hair going on up there. Just needed to be addressed.
Don’t get me wrong. I like her. She’s kinda crazy. I’m just not sure what kind of crazy she is yet.
At the New Mom luncheon, two Old Moms snuck in as back-up for Loree. Jill and Melissa joined them either to stir the pot or have some free wings on Loree’s dime, neither of which went over very well with the New Moms.
Apparently all the drama stemmed from the fact that the New Moms had been together a whole whopping TWO weeks before the hiatus and now Loree couldn’t understand why they still weren’t all Besties.
Two weeks? Really? Honey, when I was a freshman in college and lived in a triple at the dorm I didn’t even know my third roommate’s name for a month. Take it down a notch.
Luckily, Melissa forgot to put quarters in the meter and the three of them left as soon as they got there, so not much was accomplished aside from leaving way too many untouched tasty appetizers on the table.
Gah. There are starving kids in Boston, ladies.
I don’t even know what kind of tulle ballet skirt looking thing Christi was wearing in the next MomPerch scene when she threw Jeanette to the Abby Wolves down in the studio, so we just need to skip this one completely. I’m serious.
Bonus Points to Gianna for either being aggressively firm in her Pro-Umbrella stance or being a total beeotch when Jeanette tried to get the prop taken out of Ava’s dance. The jury is still out on that one, but clearly…Gia don’t play. Triple points, actually.
Finally, it was Showtime. And Umbrellagate.
Did they switch umbrellas in the middle of the routine? Did they film two versions and fake out the part where it turned inside out on stage? Why did it look like a lighter blue by the end of Ava’s dance?
So many unanswered questions that everyone posted on Twitter with incorrect spelling last night. Oy Vey.
I dunno. But Ava’s umbrella popped inside out like it does to me every time I come around the corner by Burger King. You’d think I’d learn by now, because even when I don’t do a split into a belly arch my umbrella still reverses itself and I’m out another $3.99.
Yes, I buy the cheap ones from the Lotto place when it starts raining. Don’t you judge me.
Backstage, Abby went bazoinkers. Ava sat on her Mom’s lap (…what?…) and fanned herself with her hand like she was getting all verklempt at a Barbra Streisand concert.
I swear to Gawd she did that.
Get off yo’ Mama! (Abby said that, not me…)
Both group routines were comparable in skill set and level of difficulty (…and you said I could never be a judge…) but the New Team ended up winning First Place. Again.
Which totally should have been given to Melissa and Jill for the MomDance they busted out in the seats.
I told them they should have been entered in the Duet category, not Group. They never listen to me anymore ever since that one time I suggested Jill dye her hair blonde. One time I mess up. One time.
The Old Team came in Second, but only by 1/10th of a point, which I don’t even know how you’d calculate without one of Kamryn’s NASA calculators and eleven fingers.
Ava came in Third Place and had a really good cry backstage. Some little girl they refused to show placed Second. And then Maddie took home the trophy for her bluesy Blue’s Clues routine. I snapped again with both hands (…Richy Jackson would have been so proud…) and then popped an espresso K-Cup into my new Keurig.
There were also some oddball editing moments where people’s hats were on and then off and then on again. (Yeah…I’m talking to you, Ava.)
Somebody upstairs needs to stop staring at Tami’s a** and pay attention to continuity.
Holly’s hair never really held a curl this week, so you know the drama must have been pretty low key. Next week looks a little more bouncy.
Abby invited Tea’ to come back to the ALDC again. Which meant that Tami would probably also be back again.
Which meant that Tami just did the exact same thing that she dissed Loree for doing the week prior. Now who’s the traitor?
And that loud church lady will be back, too.
You heard it here first.
And now I’m overheating just thinking about it.
Pardon me while I go fan myself.