Posts Tagged ‘Abby Lee Dance Company’

Dance Moms: The Road To Nationals Loses A New Rider When Another One Bites The Dust In Sunny Orlando.

Wednesday, September 17th, 2014

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I’m not telling y’all what to do, but if I were you I’d have a seat cuz Miss Maya ’bout to get real.

 

 

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I swear if this kid gets ice cream on the back of my head after 2 hours of flat ironing, I’ll lose it.

 

 

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That one over there is Sassy, the other one is either Snobby or Stretchy and I’m just plain Over It.

 

 

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I even told them all I’d bring my own wardrobe. Nothing. Dancing With The Stars sucks.

 

 

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How the f@*! did those little kids all get Louis Vuitton bags? Aren’t they like 5 years old?

 

 

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I swear if this kid takes one more picture of my Poof Imma take it out and beat her with it.

 

 

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If I were you, I’d be more worried about that guy creeping us from behind the wall back there.

 

 

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I speak to all of you. And I say “I told you so, mmkay? Boom.”

 

 

 

 

Wait.  What?

Nationals are coming up already?

No way.  I had no idea.

That’s what Abby Lee Miller has been screaming about every 30 seconds for the last four episodes of Dance Moms?  Nationals?  Really?  That’s where this Road leads?

I really need to start paying more attention.  Or stop muting my television every time somebody starts yelling on this show.  Because I almost missed the newsflash.

Nationals are coming.

But you probably already knew that, unless you’ve been living under a rock or down inside one of those massive ALDC parking lot potholes.  And Nationals means that every little dancer needs to straighten their knees, point their toes and step up their game if they want to earn a spot at…you know…Nationals.

Because they’re coming.

It also means that every second counts when you’re on the Road to Nationals, so Abby didn’t waste any time getting right to the Pyramid of Shame as soon as we all finished Living On The Dance Floor.

And speaking of.  When is Lifetime going to start pixelating out Kelly and her kids’ faces from the opening credits?  Not that I don’t love seeing them every week (…hollah at my gurlz!…) but it always gets my hopes up thinking that this week there’s finally going to be some surprise visit from the Hyland legal team or something.h2

Plus, you tell me that every New Mom on the New Team isn’t back home scotch taping their own face over Kelly’s just to see what it would look like to finally have a full season contract on a national television show.

Because you know they totally do that.   I would.  Maybe I even did already.

I bet my girl Tami even cuts out inappropriately tiny paper shorts for the full effect, because it’s straight up Booty Booty E’rrywhere with that one, I tell you.

Tami.  She’s crazy.  But she’s a hoot.

Unfortunately, the Pyramid didn’t get started quite as quickly as Abby had hoped it would.

The girls were all MIA because the Original Recipe Moms needed a moment alone with Ms. Miller to discuss the events that had taken place backstage in the middle of last week’s competition.

You remember.

It was that whole White Board of Doom thing that lead to a heated discussion about Respect where we observed Holly get quantitatively analytical (…see what I did there?…) right before she stood up to Abby and almost broke Twitter.

Nike:  Just Do It.

Crossing the Line:  Don’t Do It.  Ever.  At least not with Dr. Beyoncé‘s kid.

There was also the whole DidTheyPullTheNumberOrNot? scandal over last week’s ALDC Pyromaniac Match Dance, which I’m going to leave to the chat rooms because I’m not touching that controversy with a ten foot fire hose.

Abby did say that it was her prerogative to pull the number, which didn’t seem to phase the Moms but did make that Bobby Brown song stick in my head for the rest of the night. k

I don’t need permission.  Google it, kids.

This week, New Team Mom Tracey and her daughter Sarah were back in the hizzle after a short hiatus.  Sarah Numero Dos.

This is the tall Sarah, not the little Sarah who can’t breath when you yell at her.  This is the other Sarah, who I swear had enough metal orthodontics in her mouth for at least two people.  Maybe she just has a bigger smile than I had back in my 7th grade retainer days, but I’m pretty sure she’s not getting through any TSA checkpoints until those things are pulled off with Craftsman pliers.

Side note:  Somebody on this show needs to figure out how to make all the girls’ head shots look like a triangle again or just stop calling this stupid thing a Pyramid, because once again it was just a straight line of pictures and kudos for Maddie in the middle.

(Wasn’t that the name of a TV show?)

Kinda hard to rate your dancers when they…I don’t know…didn’t actually dance, I guess.

This week, Abby was excited to announce that everyone would be headed to Orlando, Florida for the Dance Kids USA Competition.

But NO swimming.  NO sun.  NO fun.  Which is probably the exact opposite of how the tourism brochure would prefer someone describe the place.

Sarah scored an acrobatic ‘Sun Goddess’ solo.  Kendall would also be going solo with a regifting of Maddie’s ‘Fool Me Once I Kissed A Boy And I Hated It’ dance from last week.

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Same song.  More pressure.

And to once again celebrate 2014 as the International Year of the Nia, Abby handed Sasha FierceFrazier a Maya Angelou solo piece.  The same solo that Abby had dangled in front of Nia’s nose last week and then benched when that whole Holly thing got too loud.  A moving tribute piece to Maya Angelou.  With spoken words!

Which opened up that whole can o’ internet worms one mo’ time.

Once again, Nia was handed another ethnic piece.  Yes, she was given another one of those LaQuifaSitInTheBackOfTheBusWerkItWhat? type of routines that always makes Mom grind her back teeth.  But it’s also one of Nia’s strongest dance styles.

Girlfriend can definitely Werk.  It.

And honestly, I’m not really in the mood to pay out my hard earned money just to watch Mackenzie stand around in a Bumble Bee costume reading Hallmark cards.

So Nia was clearly the first choice to pay tribute to Maya.  But because Nia’s awesome.

That’s why.  Not the other reason.

I think Holly knew it.  And so did we.

As the Moms hit the MomPerch, the girls began rehearsing the ‘Seven Dancers’ group routine, which was based on some movie about ‘Seven Dwarfs.’

(I love when they’re legally prevented from saying the actual names of things.  Awkward.)

Except that there were only six girls dancing.  Which is less than seven.  I hope one didn’t get stuck in a mine shaft or something.  Because that would be sad.n1

Luckily, there were only six dwarfs until Even Newer-New Mom Kate and Kayleigh showed up.  Whoever they were, they were on their way from who knows where to Pittsburgh.  Lucky for Kate, she just happened to be sitting around the house watching her stories and packing a dance bag when Abby hit her up on her Sidekick at the last minute.

I know, right?  Sassy.

Since there was still a little tension between Holly and Abby, choreographers Gianna and James Washington took charge of Nia’s solo.  You could already tell it was going to be some good stuff.  James looks like somebody but I can’t figure out who.

Christi and Chloe had to scoot out for a few because Chloe needed to get an MRI on her foot.  In the movies, the Show Must Go On and you dance on crippled, bloody stubs until the curtain comes down and the crowd covers the stage in roses, but in the Real World you need to get that s*** checked out asap or you’ll be the only girl in junior high wearing those shoes you always see the Pope wearing when he knows he’ll be on his feet all day.

Abby wasn’t happy about them leaving, but Christi always puts her daughter first.  Dance second.  So there.  Call my cell if you need me even though I won’t answer.

Side note:  You know how much I hate the fake karaoke Made Famous by Madonna music they always have to use on these shows due to legal mumbo jumbo, right?  Well imagine how much I hate fake karaoke Dwarf Whistling.  Imagine it.

Seriously.  Just stay down in that damn coal mine hole if that’s how you’re gonna sing the song.  I’m not even kidding anymore.  You’re ruining my childhood.

With one day to go, Kate and Kayleigh showed up.  My MomCrush Jill pointed out that they must have driven all night in a snowstorm on an empty tank of gas with no heat just to get to the ALDC and dance a Hokey Pokey Dopey Dance, which may or may not have explained why Kayleigh’s Mom looked so tired.k1

D’oh.  That was just mean.  I apologize.

Apparently I won’t delete it.  But at least I’ll apologize for it.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Mama’s getting her MallMojo back.  From that bold tie-dye Pyramid ensemble to that orange florally silk thing (…was there even a bottom to that outfit?  Oooh, Gurl.  Ya nasty…) Kendall’s Mom was On.  It.  This.  Week.

Love her.  Are you listening to me Dancing With The Stars?

Make it happen, ABC, or I swear I’ll never GuyCry during The Bachelorette again.

Kendall’s solo rehearsal was looking good, even though she had the added pressure of duplicating Maddie’s solo while also trying not to get herself arrested for clearly stealing all of Kamryn Beck‘s glittery headbands when nobody was looking.

Totally saw that, honey.  #BringBackTheKiaKamster.

Side note:  Did someone think that they really needed to subtitle Kate saying ‘Hi’ when she showed up at the ALDC studio?  Really?  It’s not like she and Kayleigh just walked into the living room on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

Abby also had the girls introduce themselves with their Dwarf names.  So there was that.

Basically, the next 40 minutes were the Old Moms picking on the New Moms and the New Mom picking on the Newer Mom.  Rinse & Repeat.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Candy Apples time!

Waymin.  Whaaa-?  What is that Ohio lady doing down there?

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Turns out that Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein was coincidentally also in Florida working with Lady Killer Lucas Triana, so while our boy was off getting his hair gelled somewhere she and Mom Brigette hit up the Dance Kids competition to see if they could make Abby lose her nutty and snag some free swag in the lobby.

The short version:  Cathy poked Abby with a stick every chance she got from the minute the ALDC arrived at the venue to when they left for the airport in a cab.

Cathy was relentless.

She was also hanging out with a guy who I swear used to play guitar for Prince.

Srsly.  Did you see that dude tagging behind Cathy everywhere with his hair all shoved to one side?  What the what?  Some of Cathy’s fashion choices do appear to be circa 1999 now that you mention it, so…hmmm…

Side note:  Louis Vuitton bags.  Instead of Hello Kitty backpacks.  That is all.

Sarah’s solo went fairly well, even though her lips looked like she ate a packet of Pop Rocks backstage right before the music started.  And her nerves were a little shaky.  But for one of her first major ALDC gig I didn’t think it went that badly.

And then Nia hit the stage.  Hard.

She spoke to Maya Angelou and said ‘Goodbye’ for all of us.  And then Maya Angelou spoke to me and said ‘Slap Yo Mama,’ because it was THAT good.

Kendall did just as good, too.  It was a Maddie Dance, but she danced it like it was a Kendall Dance.  Because…der…she’s Kendall.  And that is just fine by me.  And Jill.

Side note:  I think the only thing Melissa actually said for the entire hour was something about how she recognized Kayleigh from the Open Call Auditions.  Which would have been like picking out your favorite ant in an ant farm there were so many kids in the hotel ballroom that day, but maybe Melissa has a better memory than I do.

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Her hair looked really nice this week.

Backstage, Kate was still sleepy, but she somehow managed to slam Sarah for her sloppy feet and some transitions which set up a short New vs. Newer cage match.

Then finally, at least according to the lawyers for the Walt Disney Company, seven dwarfs that were totally not Snow White‘s seven dwarfs hit the stage wearing hats that looked like those mesh bags ladies use to wash out their delicates after a long day of work.

I swear.  On their heads, Hi Ho.

And Vivi-Anne was in the audience and the angels sang.

Until Cathy poked Abby again.  Abby changed seats.  Cathy talked through the entire routine.  Brigette had a little Mean Girl thing going on, even though I know deep down she’s a sweetheart.

Peer Pressure:  The More You Know, kids.

And then the Awards kicked in, after a slight delay to get Melissa back in her seat.  Sit down, Mom.  You’re drunk.

Sarah took Fourth Place.  Kendall came in Second.

And, ahem…Miss Nia Frazier snatched that First Place trophy like a Boss.

And the crowd went wild.

Say it with me:  First.  Place.

#InternationalYearOfNia.  Just saying.

Holly even put down her PhD long enough to have a total Dance Mom Spazz Attack in her seat.  Proud ain’t the word, people.  Insane is.

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Even that Hokey Pokey Dopey Dance got First Place.  So never say never.

And then the whole thing just turned into one big, poorly edited S***Show.

Abby booted Kate and Kayleigh out the door.  And then Tracey, who had a little meltdown.

Tracey cried.  Sarah stood there in her lingerie HatBag all like What’sHappening? 

At some point Cathy and Brigette came into the makeup room and congratulated Abby on winning First Place with the stupidest dance routine in the history of dance routines.

And then, like any good 2am bar brawl, the whole thing spilled out into the hallways and sidewalks of Orlando as Abby went screeching after Cathy.

(I love the way Gianna always follows right by Abby’s side like she’s the one carrying the ALDC taser in her purse.  She never says anything, she just hustles.)

Cathy and Brigette and that PrinceGuy got all caught up in the editing and were in front of everyone and then behind everyone and then outside having a cigarette and then back inside behind Abby so many times it messed with my focus.

And can we talk about that mysterious big guy who kept lurking behind the wall the entire time?  Security?  Bouncer?  Janitor?  Orlando Perv?

Maybe I watch too much CNN, but when someone keeps watching you all day but doesn’t want to be on camera, that always makes me wish I had Gianna’s pocketbook with me.

It was classic Abby.  And that’s all that really mattered.

And now we’re one last step away from Nationals.

Because…you know…I hear they’re coming.

PS.  Hashtag:  You go, Nia.  You just go.

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Dance Moms: Tick…Tick…And Boom! The White Board Of Doom Just Turned Maddie’s Buddies Into Understudies.

Wednesday, September 10th, 2014

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So you really think it’s a good idea to do this right now? You do know who my mother is?

 

 

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I know, right? If you squint I totally look like Vanna White.

 

 

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Me? Just Grandma pillow fringe, some Spanx and a squirt of jerky juice. What are you wearing?

 

 

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Imma need one of you to hold my Ph.D. cuz Mama’s about to shut this thing down hard.

 

 

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Forgot his costume at home, but I got a 3pack of Hanes and a crayon. Guess it’s time to MacGyver some warrior s***.

 

 

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I told you NEVER shoot me from this side unless you want me going all Mariah on your a**.

 

 

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Can one of you stop yelling long enough to fix whatever’s going on with my hair right now?

 

 

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Srsly. If this chick doesn’t stop talking I’m going right over the back of this seat. Today is NOT the day, sister.

 

 

 

With apologies to the other Beyoncé

        Abby, can you handle this?

        I don’t think you can handle this.

Because like the song says…I don’t think you’re ready for this smack down.

I know I wasn’t.

Trust me on this one.  Don’t mess with Holly Frazier.

Just don’t.

If you’re pressed for time, that’s the short version of this week’s Dance Moms episode.

Thanks for stopping by.  Be sure to enjoy the rest of your day.

But if you’re sticking around for all the details, you’ll probably want to grab a snack and pop a B-12 or a couple of Stresstabs, because it’s gonna be a long one.

With only two competitions, a concert and a couple of recycled Director Cut edits to go before Nationals (…which you get to via that infamous Road to Nationals…) the tension was already on the rise inside the studio as the gang rolled in for the Pyramid of Shame.

Seriously tense.  To the point where you could almost peel it off everyone’s skin like that ratchet paint job on the outside of the ALDC building.

Which, if we weren’t so pressed for time and space this week, would open up a whole other ironic discussion on how Abby managed to criss cross the country on Lifetime’s dime rescuing every podunk studio in America but couldn’t find one painter on Craig’s List to fix up her own damn house.  Really?

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I’m being serious.  If that little pip squeak Sarah Hunt eats one flake of lead paint I’m calling Child Services and shutting this entire production down.

This week it was back to just the Original Recipe Moms and Daughters, minus the Hyland contingent, of course (…Holla back, gurlz.  We miss you!…) which made it much easier to keep everyone’s names straight once the drama really kicked into gear.

Because let’s be honest…after four seasons half the viewers probably still don’t know which Christi/Christ-y/Kristie is which until they start yelling at each other.

The Pyramid started out positively enough with a quick celebration of last week’s winning (…yet questionably maybe racist or maybe not depending on your chat room preferences…) Native American group routine.

Nia had proven that 2014 is still clearly the International Year of the Nia by killing the lead dancer spot in her big Village People headdress.  Even Abby gave her props, which made her get all smiley and do that shoulder thing she does when she gets all smiley.

And then Melissa and my MomCrush Jill did a quick palm-of-your-hand-on-your-mouth Indian Scalp ‘Um White Man Tomahawk Dance in the background that somebody probably should have pixelated out before Tuesday night, given all the recent controversy on ESPN.

Live and learn, I guess.  But since Jill only goes to football games so she can wear bulky sweaters and watch her daughter do cheerleading tumbles, I’m pretty sure that neither of them have even heard of the Washington Redskins.

And can we just pause here to properly acknowledge that the Jill Vertes Fashion Watch was totally on-point this week?

Because it was.  Dang, Miss V.

Bottom of the Pyramid was reserved seating for Kendall, Chloe and MackZ.  Nothing new to report there, except that having only five dancers on the clock clearly made it difficult for Abby to create an actual working Pyramid since Nia and Maddie ended up side by side above the other three girls.

mdSo naturally, I got all excited thinking that there was some kind of tie for the Top Spot, which there wasn’t, of course.  Maddie was on top again, even though she was really just to the left of Nia by about two inches.

Geometry and Dance were never my favorite subjects in school.  Let’s just leave it at that.

This week the Old Team would be headed to Wayne, NJ for another performance at the Sheer Talent Competition.  Just like the Candy Apples.

Yeah.  Those Candy Apples.  Here we go again.

Abby had some inside scoop (…those producers just can’t keep their mouths shut any more, can they?…) that Cathy would be bringing back Gino Cosculluela for a solo.

You remember Gino.  He’s that kid with the TV News Anchor forehead who gave Maddie her first BoyKiss during a duet a few weeks ago.  The duet that ended up sending her running from the studio in search of two tins of Altoids and a year of psychotherapy.

That duet.

I swear Gino and his Dad Mickey must live in their car, because all they do is zip back and forth between Ohio and Pittsburgh.  Can’t you just picture the trunk of their Mazda all full of school books and hair gel?

To compete against Gino and prove that he totally kisses like a little boy wearing braces, Maddie scored a ‘Fool Me Once’ solo.  Except that she might not even be around for the competition by the weekend, due to some mystery Miami Project that may or may not actually happen.

Or even exist.

It was a little vague.  But just to be safe, Abby pegged Chloe and Kendall as Maddie’s understudies.  That way, should Miss America no longer be able to fulfill her duties, some one else could step in and take over the role for the remainder of her reign.  Or something like that.

Side note:  Melissa made this face a lot this week…

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The group routine was entitled Playing With Matches.  Pretty self explanatory, even though Abby felt the need to point out that the girls would not actually be torching any buildings in New Jersey since that state already has enough problems.

We get it.  Mess with Abby, you get burned.

As the girls started flicking their Bics in the studio, the Moms hit the MomPerch and quickly realized that Abby was crossing the line when it came to comparing all the girls to Maddie.  Enough already.

Maddie this.  Maddie that.  Maddie this.  Maddie that.  Why can’t any of you be like Maddie?  You’re not as good as Maddie.  Maddie is better than you.  Way better than you, actually.  Like Infinity & Beyond better.  That much better.  Which is a lot.

Holly was getting agitated.  Jill pointed out that the girls were looking defeated.  And Christi kept eating what appeared to be a box of those Goobers you get at the movies.  At least that’s what they looked like to me.  Girlfriend definitely had the munchies.

Everyone agreed that they should start keeping track of how many times Abby compared their child to Maddie, because that shizz just ain’t rite.  The Moms were at maximum capacity when it came to all this MaddieTalk.  Over.  It.

(Except maybe Melissa, of course.  Who I always feel bad for when this kind of thing starts happening.  She gets all squinty like there’s dust under her contact lens.  We love her.)

And then Holly started using Big Words.

Holly:  “We need a Quantitative Analysis.”

Christi:  “You mean, like a chart?”

Thank you for dumbing it down for the rest of us, honey.  Not everyone can afford Harvard.

Apparently there’s an App for That, because Christi immediately whipped out her iPhone and started tracking how many times Abby said the word ‘Maddie.’  So basically, what you’re telling me is that Apple can help you chart how many times your child is humiliated on national television but can’t get my f***ing mail down from the Cloud.  Nice.

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The next day, it got even better.

Jill showed up with one of those gigantic white boards that you always see in the deli when cheese goes on sale.  The kind of board that only comes clean with that special spray from Staples that smells like nail polish remover?  Do you know what I’m talking about?  No?

Have you ever accidentally pushed the wrong buttons on your remote and ended up on that cable public access channel where the guy is doing math in non-HD?

One…who watches that?  And two…he uses the same white board.

(Weekly Kamryn Beck-ism:  I bet she uses one in her bedroom when she’s calculating something that us normal, non-glitter headband wearing types will never understand.  Where has she been lately, anyway? #BringBackTheKiaKamster.)

The next 90 minutes or so were taken up with Abby yelling and screaming at everyone in the studio (…except Maddie, duh…) while Jill stood up in the Perch ticking off hash marks like she was counting down the days until her parole hearing.

It kind of looked like a cattle auctioneer and the final round of Wheel of Fortune and that lady score keeper from the Summer Olympics who couldn’t speak English all rolled into one.  I forget if I already knew that Jill was left handed or not, but it certainly explained all the bling on the right one every week.

There was also some drama with Abby and Gia trying to figure out what that white board was all about, even though all I really wanted to know was why Jill carries around a tripod easel and dry erase markers in her SUV.  Who does that?

If you watch South Park then you also got a pretty good chuckle when Abby said “Respect My Authority!”  My Authoritaaaaah!  

Hilarious.  But I guess if you don’t know who Cartman is then I just wasted your time.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Meltdown Time!

But first…

That little 12 year old bride having a complete spaz when the ALDC bus pulled into town.

That one right there.

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What the what with that kid?  Did she just get left at the playground altar or something?  Please tell me you saw that.  Buying the complete Season Four box set at full price is gonna be worth that 5 seconds of your life.  I promise.

(Spoiler Alert:  12 year old bride.  Hold that thought.)

As Abby and Company filed into the high school venue, Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein had somehow commandeered the front office and was squawking over the P.A. system like today was Fish Stick Day.

(Monday morning when the janitor opens the supply closet looking for those little urinal cakes, you know the principal is gonna fall out on the floor all terrorized with an apple duct taped in his mouth.  You just know it.)

Back in the makeup room, Jill wanted to know why all three girls couldn’t do the same solo in the competition.

Did I forget to say that Maddie didn’t go to Miami and was there with the ALDC?  My bad.

They also brought the deli board with them.  Because why not?

Flashback:  Even though Abby had previously put two girls into a competition doing the exact same routine before, somehow the rules were different in Jersey.  So it wasn’t gonna happen.  No other solos besides Maddie’s.  And no trio with a bunch of Maddie wannabe understudies bumping into each other and bringing down the scores.

And then Gino danced in his underwear.   I swear.

I think Gino is da bomb.  And a total playa just like Lady Killer Lucas Triana.  But I’m not putting Gino’s photo in this recap or I’ll end up on some government Offender Watch List somewhere.  Uncomfortable much?

Let’s just say that Cathy certainly saved money by cheaping out on costumes this week.

He rocked his solo, though.  And gave me some great moves to use the next time I BathroomDance in my tighties.

If I did that kind of thing, I mean.  Please.  I’m focused in the morning.m

Maddie was up next with her I Kissed A Boy And Hated It two step.  Abby couldn’t find anything wrong with the dance and Jill had to switch to a new dry erase marker because the old one ran out of ink.

And then it all went downtown.

Holly tried to explain to Abby what the board represented (…an ‘Observable’ for all you scientific MIT types…) but Abby wasn’t buying what Dr. Beyoncé was selling.

I can’t really even do it justice, but basically Holly stood loud and proud for all the other girls, past and present, that Abby continually beat down with her Maddie Mallet.

And it got real.

The ticks on the board represented disrespect.  And it was a big a** board, BTW.

Disrespect!  For Nia.  For Kendall.  For Chloe.  Even for MackZ, yo.

And then suddenly Abby announced some big Maya Angelou (…in an afro wig, no doubt…) extravaganza for Nia next week that nobody had even heard of up until this moment, but was now being benched because Holly had just confronted her in front of the other Moms like a Boss.

Nobody would know Nia if it weren’t for Abby Lee Miller.  You’re a grown woman taking it out on a kid.  You’re a baby.  Where’s the baby?  There’s a baby!  Got your nose.

Nia’s 12.  She’s not a kid.

She can have babies and get married in some countries.

Stop.  Stahhhp.

What.  Just.  Happened?

Melissa’s dirty contact literally popped right out of her head as Holly stormed out the door.  You’re ugly.  What you say is ugly.  And you just crossed the line.

Truth.

I don’t know where the Moms actually go when they storm out of a room.  They never take their purse or bus ticket, so I know they’re not getting very far.  But all the other Moms ran after Holly to make sure she was ok and didn’t assault that camera guy who was all up in her face like it was some Jersey Housewives Reunion.

Dude.  Back it up a few.  Mama is not in the mood.hf

Even Melissa tore down the hall, because at the end of the day, Friendship and Support is how they all roll even when they’re losing their nutty on each other.

(In case anyone cares, I also got up off the couch, put on my big hat and testified to Holly for Keeping It Real and saying what all the other Moms have been feeling for so long.)

Eventually everyone made it back into the auditorium to watch the Candy Apples bust out their group dance tribute to The Fault In Our Stars.  Cathy even gave the little girl one of those oxygen nose plug things like in the movie, but thankfully decided against the kids all dragging IV bags around the stage.  Probably a safety issue.

Not gonna lie, though.  The ALDC Moms could probably have used some of that purified oxygen by the time they found out that Abby pulled the group routine from the competition.

Because that’s what she did, just as they were about ready to hit the stage in their Li’l Abner acid wash denim overalls.

Side note:  Overalls are never an option.  Ever.  I would have cut the number just for the Farmer Pants.

Needless to say, backstage was not much fun after that move.

Holly and Abby went a few more rounds but Abby wasn’t even listening.  It was Her Way, or No Way.

It got heated.

How much is too much when it comes to taking somebody’s crap?  Melissa was obviously caught in the middle.  Jill and Christi sat in the choir getting all like MmmHmm while Holly ground her back teeth into chalk dust.

Aretha even stuck her head in the door and said R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  The Queen of Soul.

And then it was Abby’s turn to storm out of the room with one last zinger, leaving Holly and the other Moms to decide if this was even the right place for them anymore.

Holly:  “Get Some Class.”

Me:  “This is probably why they say never poke a bear cub while the Mom is standing right there in front of you spitting Big Words and dripping foam from her mouth.”  

And then I did my celebratory HollyDance.

Which is way different than my BathroomDance, FYI.

Oh, yeah.

Don’tchoo be touching the babies.

Not while Mama’s in the house.

Tick.  Tick.

And Boom.

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Dance Moms: The ALDC Tribal Council Is About To Vote Off All The Crybabies, So You Might Wanna Pull It Together.

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2014

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I just wanted to get some sleep, so I told that little crybaby there was a pony in the back of the bus.

 

 

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Chief YearOfTheNia is about to shut this Tribal Council down.

 

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Hey! Was that a Dunkin Donuts? I told you to never pass by a damn Dunkin Donuts!

 

 

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Sometimes all the world really needs is Jill Vertes making a crazy face. Nothing more. Nothing less.

 

 

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I dunno what’s in this Aqua Net, but it is some strong s***. I swear I just saw dancing Indians.

 

 

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You can do this. Cher is the Queen. Cher is the Queen. Cher is the Queen. Be the Cher, Nia.

 

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Srsly. Will you look at that tiny crown. And I thought MY kid got the shaft every week…

 

 

 

Okay.

Let’s just address the elephant in the teepee right now and get it out of the way early so we can focus on all the choreographed hilarity.

Road to Nationals means heap big drama for Dance Moms.

There.  You were thinking it and I said it.  And now that we’ve started this thing off as politically incorrect as possible, we can get right to the good stuff.

I think I’ve proven over the last few years that I have absolutely no idea what the rules are anymore when it comes to being PC.  Honestly, I’ve barely figured out the rules for dance competitions.  And don’t even ask me how they judged Toddlers & Tiaras.

But I thought we weren’t supposed to call the Washington Redskins the Washington Redskins anymore.  I’m so confused.  At least I know the correct term is Native American.

So when Abby Lee Miller pulled out a feathered headdress in the first 3 minutes of this week’s episode I knew she was going to break Twitter.  And she did.

Some people called it racist.  Some people called it a glowing Native American tribute.

And more than a few fabulous gentlemen literally gagged over the outfits.

Because, let’s face it, they were to die for.  Oh.  My.  Gawd.  Dead.

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Regardless, I’m just putting it out there before anybody gets themselves too tightly wound up over the subject matter.  You know by now we’re just here for the party.  Head over to the Gymboree chat rooms if you want to get into anything heavier.  I’m sure they’re still bashing me for that whole home schooling fiasco.

So no offense intended, or taken, as we go all tribal this week.

And honestly, with all the money I’ve lost at Mohegan Sun over the years, I think they can cut me some slack just this once.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

First, the Pyramid of Shame.  Which was actually the Totem Pole of Shame this week.

Which was actually just a bunch of photos stacked on top of each other.  I mean, it’s not like there was an eagle head at the top or anything.  It was just Maddie again.

It was, however, National Dress Your Mom Up In Crazy Pastel Summer Prints And Take Her To Work Day and all the Moms were representing like a double page spread in the Sunday Kohl’s flyer.  I swear these women call each other every morning.  How else do you explain them all ending up in the same color pallet almost every week?

All the matching Original Recipe Moms were there, along with Tami “She Who Wears Shorty Short Booty Shorts” Adamson (…her Native American name…) and her little daughter Tea’, who had both been asked to return after last week’s successful group routine.  Just like when Loree and Jade had been asked back and Tami gave them crap for jumping the fence from New Team to Old Team.

Just like that.

Oh.  And Christ-y was back.  The loud Church Lady had returned, but apparently taken some Oath of Silence to prevent her daughter Sarah from being kicked out of the building for a second time this month.

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Can someone either check Sarah’s body temperature or get her a sweater, please?  She’s always shaking.

Since it was a Totem Pole of Shame this week (…to foreshadow the upcoming theme…) Abby zoomed from the bottom of the elevator to the top so fast that it made my ears pop.

Nia, MackZ, Kendall, Tea’, Chloe and Maddie “On Top Again She Is” Ziegler.

(That was supposed to be Maddie’s Native American name, but the more I look at it the more it sounds like something Yoda from Star Wars would say.  I just can’t win this week.)

The gang was all headed to the Energy Dance Competition Regionals in Waterford, MI where the tiniest ALDC dancers would be battling it out for a spot at Nationals.

MackZ, Tea’ and Sarah all scored solos.  So the pressure was on.

The group routine, if you actually haven’t figured it out by now, was going to be a sparkly Cher-inspired ethnic Native American tribal council dance.

Seriously.  Inspired by Cher.  From the Sonny & Cher Show.  That Cher.

Apparently Abby had gone to see one of Cher’s never-ending Farewell Tour performances (…Seriously.  This beeyotch has been saying farewell for the last 10 years…) and was so inspired by the iconic Half-Breed song that she raced back to Pittsburgh with one of those feathered headdresses they sell next to the ‘I Got You Babe’ t-shirts.

Nia was going to be the featured lead in the dance.  I hate to keep saying ‘I told you so’ when it comes to the International Year of the Nia…but…well…look at that, will ya…

I told you so.

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Pssst.  Newsflash:  Booty Short Tami let Abby know the ‘word on the street’ was that Jeanette had entered her daughter Ava into the competition as well, which would mean that 12 year old Ava would be going up against Abby’s pint-sized triplets.

Something about a 9 -12 year old category that magically changed to a 10-12 year old category at some point during the episode.  I guess Tea’ was in her own category for Mini Grand Supreme or something (…I think I’m getting my toddler shows confused…) but then her overall score would put her up against Ava.

Or maybe I was too busy you tubing Half Breed to pay attention.

I mean, come on.  Who didn’t want to slap on a Village People headdress and ride into Study Hall on a horse when they were little?  Cher is…gah.

She’s f***ing Cher, for crying out loud.

Oh.  And ps…‘word on the street’ is code for ‘Jeanette told me at Starbucks.’

They’re BFFs.  Just saying.

As the Moms hit the MomPerch, the girls got to rehearsing.

Sarah had the nervous sniffles.  Again…sweater, please.  Or can we at least turn the heat up a skootch?  Abby wanted her to drag herself across the floor like she was in a horrific bus accident and could no longer walk.  (Spoiler alert:  I think I just figured out what the next scene’s trauma stems from…) while MackZ had a sassier, more mature solo.

Work it.  Work it.  Walk it.  Walk it.

Tea’, on the other hand, was straight up little girl Boop-Oop-A-Doop 1920’s crybaby, complete with a face down hissy fit like she had just missed out on front row Cher tickets.

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Upstairs, Christi was trying to psych out Tami just like she had psyched out Loree the week before, by suggesting that even though Tea’ made an awesome crybaby, she was going up against an even bigger crybaby and didn’t stand a chance.

Remember last week?  Ava sat on her mother’s lap and almost ugly cried herself into a blackout.  You’re like 12 years old.  Going on 6 feet tall.

Pull it together, sister.  You’re an amazing dancer.

The group rehearsal is when it started getting good.

Abby wanted more Face from Nia.  More!  More!  I wanna see Cher!

(Gurrrl, pleez.  Who doesn’t?  Have you seen the ticket prices?)

Maddie can do it, why can’t you?

Wait.  What?  What did she just say?  Ooooh, Holly didn’t like dat.  At all.

Do it, Maddie.  Show Nia how to give Face.

And then Maddie jumped in and showed Nia how to give Face.  And then Holly noticed that it was the same MaddieFace that she had used last week in her solo.  And then…wait.  It was the same face she had used the week before that, too.

Are we talking FaceGate?  Hold up.  Maddie’s been using the same face every week for four years?  And nobody told me?  Good thing Holly’s on the case.

When Holly turned to Melissa and pointed out that she’d never seen one 8th grade social studies book with a photo of Chief MaddieFace, I just ’bout hit the floor.

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By the time Abby came up to the MomPerch for some NiaFace-Bashing, Dr. Beyoncé wasn’t having it.  All right…whatever.  Shut it down now.  Game Over.

Stick a fork in it.  I’m done.

And then Sarah had some major bus anxiety.

I mean, major.   Like breath into a paper bag kind of anxiety.

I’m not really sure where it all stems from, though the last time there was an issue with public transportation Christ-y tried to peg it on home schooling and the fact that Sarah had never been away from her side in 9 years.

Now unless they do one room home schooling, I’m not sure why the poor little nugget couldn’t go to the back of the bus without her Mom, because I’m going to assume her bedroom is on the other side of the house.  There has to be a point in the day when Mom is not her in sight line.

I felt bad for Sarah.  Especially when Abby yelled at her to pick a damn spot and sit down.

And so did Holly, who took Sarah under her stylishly on-trend Gap dark denim jacket wing and helped her to the back seats, explaining that buses only break apart in the middle and lose the front half over a cliff in the movies.  Not Real Life, honey.

And I don’t know why your Mama isn’t helping me.  Now go blow your nose.

Side note:  Abby said Bull Crap.’  With the kids in the car.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Christi lost track of all the kids as soon as they arrived, which was hilarious.  Anyone seen the children?   Where are the children?

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(Wasn’t that the name of a dance or something?  The one where crazy Vivi-Anne just sat in a swing?  I miss that kid.  I hope she’s getting enough ice cream up there in Ohio, because you know how I worry about her calcium levels.)

Jeanette and Ava showed up.  Mom was wearing some tight jeans from Not-Forever 21 and had that kind of curly hair that never dried the entire episode.

Tami kept finding excuses to sneak out of the back room and go narc on the ALDC Moms with her BFF.  I’m not sure how she expected to keep that one a secret with two cameras following her down the hallway, but all right…whatever.

And then the editing just turned into a hot mess.  Hot.  Mess.  And you know that’s my pet peeve.

The group routine went on first, even though in reality it clearly went later since the girls were in and out and back in their Native American makeup about ten times during the rest of the show.  Seriously, people?

Nia was a-maz-ing in the Cher Dance, even though Maddie kept hogging the lead spot.

(Did you see them all standing on the giant Tom-Tom?  Git out my center spot, gurl.)

Was it just me, or did that seem a little odd?  And what was up with MackZ’s crab crawl handstand thingamabob around the drum?  Is that a contractually required move every week now?  Because I’ve never seen any Native Americans bust that one out before.

Sarah clearly drew on all that bus angst during her solo, which was a mix of that kid from Les Misérables and those old Italian women who throw themselves on top of caskets at funerals.  Her Mom’s face when she was dancing, though.

Tea’s hair bow looked like bunny rabbit ears but she Betty Boop’d herself into a meltdown quite nicely.  She totally has a silent movie face.

And then MackZ proved once and for all that the Bumble Bee costume is a thing of the past.  Our baby is all grown up.

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Side note:  They came back from commercial break and showed some mystery group doing a Li’l Abner looking dance with a double wide trailer and lawn chairs.  Excuse me?  I need to see that Redneck Dance in its entirety, asap.  Dolla makes me holla, yo.

Next up, Ava did her solo but Kendall missed it because she was out back putting on her NativeAmericanFace for the 2nd time.  Seriously.  Editing, people.  Don’t make me keep saying it.

And then all of the sudden Maddie was dancing.  Giving some unexpected, and not even listed in the program, MaddieFace to all of Michigan.

Don’t ask.  Abby had asked her to bring a costume under the premise of ‘psyching out Ava’ in the wings of the stage, but then all of the sudden there she was in the spotlight doing the dance that lady from Greenwich Village had written for her last week.

I said don’t ask.

Backstage, all the Moms ganged up on Melissa, accusing her of sabotaging MackZ’s chance at First Place by shoving her out of the way so Maddie could perform.  Melissa said Nope.  The Moms said Yup.  And Abby said it was done to make sure Ava didn’t win.

My MomCrush Jill (…who was rocking some serious snake skin, BTW…) accused Melissa of throwing MackZ under the bus, which almost put Sarah into cardiac arrest until someone told the kid it was just a figure of speech.

Lawd, that girl’s gonna be the death of me.

Holly even called it a Defining Moment for America…and probably MackZ’s career…and I vowed to vote for Dr. Beyoncé in 2016 instead of Loree’s husband.  I think an American flag even unfurled behind her as she spoke, but everyone was so busy putting their NativeAmericanFaces back on for the third time that they all missed the I Have A Dance Dream speech.  Love me some Holly when her hair starts curling.

Not so much the Post-Production Editors and the Continuity Guy.

Wax On.  Wax Off.  Hats On.  Hats Off.

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And then all the little Chers went out to collect their awards.

Sarah won First Place Petite Solo, which I now realize is not the same thing as Mini Grand Supreme.  Kiddie Pageants give out waaaay better crowns.

Did you see that tiny thing on her head?  It was like the ones you buy at iParty and put on cupcakes for Disney Princess Birthday Parties.  I’m afraid she’s gonna swallow it the next time she starts hyper-ventilating.

What a rip.

Tea’s solo came in Fifth.  MackZ took Third.  Ava Second.  And then Maddie won First Place, even though the judge with the bow tie was going to have to UPS her trophy to her on Monday since she was such a late entry.

The Native American group dance easily took First Place.  Probably something to do with that whole International Year of the Nia thing I keep hearing about.

Abby still wouldn’t admit that Nia was amazing, even when Holly pressed her for feedback and her special recipe for sugar cookies.

(Seriously.  Did you hear that interaction?  What the what?)

And then Jeanette and Ava got booted off the New & Improved ALDC Select Team because of this week’s sneak attack against Abby.  When will these people learn?

Tami did ask Abby if it was okay to use the restroom, though.  I guess even Narcs need a potty break.

And then it was over.  Until next week when the Road to Nationals brings the ALDC face to face with the Candy Apples again.

Oh, yeah.  Me see heap big trouble brewing.

Sing us outta here, will ya Nia?

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