Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Dress It Up And Throw It Down. Seeing Red Is The New Black.Wednesday, April 23rd, 2014
Wah Wah Wah. I’ve got three shows and you all have none.
All children should be supported. And you’d know that if you’d ever buy my damn book, woman.
I specifically texted that I was wearing my one shoulder dress. I swear I’m gonna kill her.
Not gonna lie. This season, the Mama Drama has been almost as big as my pocket square.
That’s right, honey. I’m giving you some Bump-It Push Up Bra Over It Dance Mom Side Eye.
C-Dawg…check it out. She’s gotta be wearing Spanx, cuz I swear that’s her kid’s Easter dress.
I’m just gonna lay here until everyone stops yelling.
I blame Andy Cohen.
Or maybe that After The Final Rose guy.
Both of them, actually.
They’re the ones who decided that every television program in America (…with the exception of The Puppy Bowl and that one where they’re always looking for Big Foot…) is now required to have a Reunion Show. That way we get to spend more quality time with our favorite cast members, while they get to have the exact same argument they’ve had all season but in fancier clothes.
This week it was the Dance Moms chance to bling it and bring it.
Not gonna lie. I have a love/hate relationship with these ALDC Reunion Shows. I love seeing my ladies, especially since we’re all BFFs now. (Hey, gurlz!) But there are still so many unanswered questions after all these years that are driving me crazy.
Like where in the world is thing thing being taped? I can’t decide if they broke into Kelly‘s basement while she and the kids were at the recording studio or if it’s an Elks Lodge or an actual local TV news studio or what.
And where do they find these audience members? Did I miss a Facebook contest or something? Because I totally would have entered since not one person has invited me to a single taping in four years.
The crowd was especially quirky this time around. I swear it was all the same people from the ShamWow infomercial. Am I right?
There wasn’t one kid in the audience. Just the most random cross section of adults oohing and ahhing every time Jeff Collins wiped up spills without scratching any delicate surfaces. Order before midnight tonight and he’ll probably double the quantity.
But wait. There’s more!
Let’s be honest. Half the fun of Reunion Shows is the anticipation of what’s gonnna go down when they actually air. Last week all we saw in online previews was Porsha Stewart dragging Kenya Moore across the floor by her Real Housewives of Atlanta weave and Nia‘s Mom Holly pointing all over the room like some crazed gospel traffic cop telling you to sit yourself down and be quiet.
So you knew it was going to be a good couple of days in Reunion Land.
I couldn’t wait to get the party started.
My boy Jeff began the show as he always does, nervously introducing his one-on-one with Abby Lee Miller. JC’s my bro, but he still doesn’t seem to have warmed up to this whole Host Thang yet. I think Abby makes him nervous. Luckily, he had the world’s largest pocket square easily accessible in case he needed to blot up any flop sweat.
Did you see that thing? I swear it kept growing throughout the hour. I was waiting for one of the Moms to pull it out like one of those 12 foot long rainbow clown scarves until his boxer shorts actually popped out of his suit coat lapel.
Jeff started the conversation on a somber note by noting the passing of Abby’s Mom Maryen Lorrain Miller. Since it’s still very raw…and clearly too soon…I will not be commenting on how Maryen was buried with her husband’s ashes and a taxidermied dog.
One. Because at this time it would be completely insensitive. And Two. Because I’m not sure that ‘taxidermied’ is actually a real word. It’s just one of those strange ones that doesn’t look right when you see it typed out on a page.
When the time is right, though, I have a couple of good zingers. Trust me.
Moving on from the burial, Jeff steered the conversation to the Slap Heard Round The World and called for Christi to join them on the couch.
I swear this show is just as much fun with the volume turned off.
As Christi appeared from the back of who knows where in the best Mother/Daughter Pageant dress evah, did you catch Abby’s full-on up and down eyeball scan of her outfit?
I had a moment.
Flashback #1: The Slap. Kelly in her Charlie Brown sweater biffing Abby in the makeup room in front of all the kids.
Girls! Out of the Room! Girls! Out of the Room! Girls! Out of the Room!
One. Sometimes I love Dr. Holly so much it’s borderline inappropriate. Two. I’ve said it before…I didn’t think it was possible, but that scene is even better if you turn the volume down again and pretend Holly’s singing Beyoncé‘s Who Runs the World? Girls!
I bet she cleared out her entire old school in under 6.5 minutes on Fire Drill Day.
Holly, I mean. Not Queen Bey.
Flashback #2: Christi and Abby in the hallway getting up in each other’s face. Same as they were doing right now at the Reunion, just not in their gowns.
Going forward, I’ve decided to take a page from Jeff’s book and whenever the situation around me gets too tense just awkwardly change the subject.
Christi about to take off her shoes and settle this thing once and for all? Let’s just put a pin in that discussion, shall we?
And nothing relieves stress like Drag Queens. The Kinky Boots dance was spliced in right here before things got too ugly.
Payton wasn’t wearing all her RuPaul makeup this time, but Maddie still had that odd George Washington wig sitting sideways on her head. Nia showed everyone how you’re supposed to do a Death Drop and then sashayed away like a Boss.
They also snuck in a Chloe solo before Abby accused Christi of dropping the F Bomb 11 times in one sentence. Coming close to making it an even dozen, Christi pointed out that Kristie Ray used to say it all the time. And new Mom Kira says it all the time. And then I said it a couple times because nobody talks smack about my girl Kristie. Aw Hell Naw.
All I could picture was Asia Monet Ray‘s Mom sitting at home watching the show, flapping her earrings and swearing at the screen when Christi called her out. Except you wouldn’t actually be able to hear Kristie swearing because her gigantic husband would be in the kitchen using the blender to make a protein shake. I miss my girls.
Jeff then asked for Melissa to join them on the set so they could finally get to the bottom of who knew what and when about the whole Maddie and Kalani duet scandal.
If you don’t know what that’s all about…Google it. I think it’s been going on for about two years, so it would take too long to recap. Just know that somebody may or may not have lied about knowing a duet was about to maybe or maybe not take place. A duet that would rock the core of the Dance Moms World.
Lying is bad. Always tell the truth, kids. The More You Know.
Right about now was when Christi felt she was being set up, which led to a few hectic Moments of Chaos.
Not to be confused with Moments of Clarity, which you can still buy here.
I’m Done! I’m Done! Christi stormed off the set because Holly and my MomCrush Jill weren’t out there to back her up against Melissa and Abby. Some poor production guy got caught on camera taking off his headset like that was gonna solve anything. I think his ears were bleeding from audio feedback.
Holly came out in a seriously sparkly cocktail dress (…Dang, Gurrrl…) then panicked and turned to run out the back door, but Jill was blocking the exit.
Everyone was bumping into each other and trying to figure out which end was up like they used to do on I Love Lucy. Holly and Jill eventually made it all the way to the couch and everyone got back to bidnezz.
Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: Werk that one shoulder mini, Mama V. Somebody’s been doing their Prancercize. Official DanThat’sCool Stamp of Approval.
And then my prayers were answered. The Dr. Beyoncé Show officially premiered.
Holly wasn’t having it. Hold up. She even called out the entire infomercial audience for applauding when Abby stated that she made all the decisions at the ALDC, and if she wanted to cut Nia from something she was gonna cut Nia from something.
The solo. Or the group number. Or both if they were short on costumes.
Boom. What if that was your child? Fingers everywhere. Talk to the Hand.
The whole thing kept escalating as they flashbacked to all the Moms in that basement hallway not trusting Melissa. Jill just wanted Melissa to own it if she lied about the duet and for everyone else to notice she had lubed up her one exposed shoulder with that new Bath & Body lotion that shimmers when you Gangnam Style.
Somewhere in the middle of all this madness Maddie and Kalani’s duet was performed so new viewers would at least have a tiny clue what was even happening right now. I forget exactly where it got inserted.
And then Jeff got nervous and changed the subject again. Speaking of Switcheroos (…a grown man actually used that terminology…) have there been other costume issues?
One. Switcheroos? Really? Two. Was it just me, or did that question kind of imply that he doesn’t actually watch his own show?
And then it got good. With that one question, Holly took over. I’ll take it from here, Jeff.
Why is Nia either/or? What other kid is either/or? More fingers. More talking to the Hand.
It was everything you’ve always loved about Holly. Just dialed up a few 100 notches.
The entire Twitterverse started dinging and was all like PREACH! and TESTIFY! and Laquifa What? and I literally fell out of my pew onto the floor. Honestly, I don’t know how my big hat even stayed on through the whole service.
I love how Holly can finally reach the boiling point with all this madness but still maintain her dignity. Girlfriend laid it out like hot asphalt. Stick a fork in it. Hashtag: Done.
Jeff blotted a little and then introduced Mackenzie‘s solo. Which was really Maddie’s old solo. It was ok, but what we really needed was A Girl Party!
Or Leslie, I guess. Because it’s definitely a party whenever she shows up to play.
As Payton’s Mom joined the ladies, I realized that there’s something about her that I’m starting to like. I don’t know if it’s the No Filter part or what, but something about Leslie just cracks me up. I have to admit that my previously guarded opinion of Mama Ackerman is going up faster than the smiley face prices are falling at Walmart.
Flashback #I Lost Count: Leslie blowing a major backstage nutty when Payton didn’t have a costume. More FBombs and then some classic Miller vs. Ackerman.
Then a Maddie solo. The tap dance one, which Jeff just realized was her favorite. Again…does he watch this show?
As the hour ran down, there was just enough time to bring out Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and all her Evil Dance Lair Candy Apples Drama.
Not really sure what’s been happening with her dresses or her dance team this season.
Flashback #28867: Cathy pulling her group number ten seconds before they were supposed to hit the stage. You’re a coward. HollyFaces. Screaming. More HollyFaces.
And then Jeff pulled up his Bitchy Britches and said “That’s a good lead in to the next week. When you still didn’t win.”
Oh, snap. Girl, you did not just go there.
Before Cathy could rip off his face like a rabid monkey, Jeff introduced the infamous Witches of East Canton dance where the girls all wore spider web hats and subliminally flipped off Cathy on an eight count.
Big whoop. Cathy felt that all it really proved was that Abby is more worried about the Candy Apples than they are of the ALDC. Abby shrugged it off. Holly was still angrily fidgeting in her seat. I tried to remember if Melissa had even spoken during the show.
I think she stuck up for Maddie once and then just sat there. I’m not sure.
With about 90 seconds left in the show, Jeff suddenly realized that he had forgotten to bring out Kalani’s Mom.
I hope Kira kept the tags on that new dress, because unless she got makeup on it or Christi threw another drink, she could totally return it as unused.
Kira looked pretty fly and didn’t have any complaints. She really has enjoyed her time on the show thus far, which kind of made Jeff sad. Next time…more drama, please.
They all chit chatted about the New & Improved Elite Competition Team and how that was all going to play out in the end. Some of the Old Moms were still snarking on Kalani a little, but Abby quickly pointed out that all the other girls got better as soon as the AUDC Alum showed up at the studio.
Dr. Beyoncé had one last parting nugget about the loss of two members from the original Team has left the remaining girls feeling vulnerable and that she…
Just like that. Right in the middle of the sentence, Jeff shut it down.
Just for awhile, though. There’s still another half season of Dance Moms to come, whenever that happens.
And Abby’s Studio Rescue show.
And Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition is still around.
So there’s plenty more Abby where that came from, don’t you worry.
Right now we’re just taking a quick breather.
No more FBombs for a few weeks.
We’ll see you when the gang’s all back together.
Kristie. F***ing wave good night to everyone so we can go home, will ya?