Posts Tagged ‘Abby Lee Dance Company’

Dance Moms: Time To Bring Down The Lights And Break Up The Fights. It’s The Annual ALDC Dance Concert.

Thursday, September 25th, 2014

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Haters gonna hate. Once I steal that big ol’ diamond, I’m set for life with these sparkly headbands.

 

 

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I swear if you don’t let it go and stop wearing animal prints, I’m gonna have a stroke.

 

 

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Wait. What?

 

 

 

Let It Go

 

 

 

You heard me.

 

 

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Check it out, bro. The blonde one gave me 20 bucks and Kelly Hyland’s phone number.

 

 

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No lie. I swear she opened her mouth and Pinnocchio jumped out just like in the cartoon.

 

 

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Just wondering why someone’s all up in my personal space while I’m getting my hair did, that’s all.

 

 

 

Ladies and Gentlemen.

Please take your seats.  The show is about to begin.

For tonight’s sold-out performance of the All-Dancing, All-Singing, All-Screaming Annual ALDC Dance Concert we ask that you refrain from bringing food and beverages into the auditorium.  Realizing of course, that if there was ever a Dance Moms week when you needed a stiff drink it’s this one, you are more than welcome to slam it hard in the lobby and one of our ushers will do their best to get you back to your seat in one piece.

So if you’re ready…Light the Lights.  Fight the Fights.

On with the Show, this is it.

That’s right.  It was Dance Concert Week down at the ALDC.  One last opportunity to try and recall all the dances you learned in under 48 hours this season and prove that you deserve a spot at Nationals.  Because…you know…I hear that Nationals are coming.

But not before the Pyramid of Shame, they’re not.

As Abby Lee Miller got down to business, it was clear that she was changing up the game one more time.  I’m starting to think that she likes doing that.

First clue: Kamryn Beck was back in the dancer lineup!

America’s favorite overachiever (…rockin’ one of her signature Olivia Newton-John Let’s Get Physical headbands, of course…) had returned and was patiently awaiting this week’s assignments while doing polynomial long division in her head to kill time.

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Second clue:  Christ-y (…with a very loud ‘Y’…) was also in the studio.  Again.

Seriously.  How does this lady keep getting back in the building?  Abby tosses her out every week and then as soon as the opening credits finish rolling seven days later…there she is again with sunglasses on her head just looking for a rumble.

Remember the beginning of The Flintstone’s cartoon when Fred throws the saber tooth tiger out the front door for the night and it jumps right back in through the window?

I swear it’s like that with this woman.

Except for maybe the actual jumping through the window part.  I’m thinking that it’s probably more of a clunky, hoisting-up type of maneuver that involves standing on milk crates or tiny Sarah‘s jiggly bow head right before one last running push.

But you get the idea.

Never say never, though.  Stranger things have probably happened in the maternal pursuit of The Dance.

Bottom of the Pyramid was reserved for Chloe and MackZ.  Chloe had missed a day of rehearsals for a scheduled MRI on that mystery foot ailment and MackZ had momentarily reverted back to the old MackenzieBoo Cutie Patootie Days during the group dance and forgotten to look up at the audience the entire time.

Kendall and Maddie made up the Pyramid Mezzanine.  Kendall had let another teammate beat her in the competition (…because apparently there’s something in the rules now that no longer allows everyone to get First Place at the same time anymore…) and Maddie, as awesome as Abby keeps saying she is…just wasn’t Nia.

Because Nia was on top!!!  #InternationalYearOfTheNia.  Hashtag that, yo.

Maya Oh Maya!!  It was Nia!!  And the crowd went wild.

(Insert Proud HollyFace here: ____________________.)

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Clearly, that’s not one of them.  But it’s a funny one.

Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout Willis?  We totally heart Dr. Beyoncé.

This week, on top of  rehashing all the old routines, the girls would also be performing a new group number called “The Heist.”  I love when everyone oohs and aahs and applauds right away even though they have no idea what the routine involves yet.

Because they did that again.  Oooh.  Heist.

This year, the Dance Concert would be a tribute to Abby’s Mom, Maryen Lorraine Miller.

(Insert Sad Flashbacks here: ____________________.)

Because that’s what they did.  And they were.  We miss you, Mrs. Miller.

Since this was all part of the Road to YouKnowWhat, each girl would also be performing a 45 second solo of their choosing at the concert, that would most likely determine their fate at Nationals.

I know, right?  45 seconds?  No pressure there whatsoever .

But Abby didn’t want to see the dances until the actual performance.  That way she could snark on all the girls without having any preconceived notions of what needed improvement.

Did I forget to mention that little Sarah was standing off to the side, at the maximum allowed separated distance of 2 feet from her Mom, while all this was going on?  Because she was.  And you could tell that she was already having trouble taking full breaths.

I feel so bad for that little peanut.  I was kind of hoping she would just cry and get it over with early, but that never happened.

As the girls all got down to rehearsing their individual and group routines, Christi tossed something to Chloe right before she left the studio.  Did you see that?  Right at her like it was batting practice or something.

What was that?  Car keys?  (She’s not old enough to drive yet, right?)  Cell phone?

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With all the grief that poor kid takes for her bum foot and sleepy eye, the last thing she needs is someone throwing things at her head.  Seriously.

We love you just the way you are, Chloebird.

Up in the MomPerch, the whole suspiciously smelly controversy surrounding whether or not Abby had tried to sabotage Chloe’s mid-season win against Kamryn all came back up the pipes again.  And it still stunk.

Word on the street was that Abby had tried to take away Chloe’s win with the judges and Christi wanted to get to the bottom of the rumor right now while Jodi was outnumbered by all those Original Recipe Backup Moms blocking the exit.

Luckily, Christi just happened to have one of the judge’s phone numbers in her iPhone Contact List.  Because, of course she did.

His name was Francisco.  Like the city, of course.

And he picked up on the first ring.  Exactly like no one ever does.

(Raise your hands if you wondered why Christi didn’t just call San Fran the morning after the original competition instead of waiting however long it has been to hit him up on his Sidekick.  Anyone?  Don’t be shy.  We’re all friends here…)

Francisco was all like OhHeyGurl! when he finally answered and all the Moms seemed to know who he was as they all holla’d back at their boy on speaker.

He admitted that a little sumthin sumthin may have gone on between Abby and the judges after the win, which got Jodi a slightly flustered and made Christi start contemplating revenge like she was one of those mean girls on the ABC Family channel.

Christi decided that The Best Revenge is Success.

Ok.  It’s a family show.  We’ll go with that one for now.

Side note:  My MomCrush Jill going “How ’bout dat?” made me smile.  In my head I made it sound more gangstah than it really was because I like Bad Girls.dt

Then it was time to watch a big, powerful sea creature wax some ManCandy chests before going butt up in a dunking tank.  You might want to send the kids out of the room for this one, because it can’t be unseen.

To give the girls a break from all the pre-show stress and let them blow off some steam, Abby had selected a few samples from her seemingly endless deli case of fresh BoyToy meat to assist her with one of those State Fair dunking tanks.

Dave and Rich were their names.  Two shirtless choice cuts of sirloin with all the fat trimmed off who seemed pretty adept at taking dolla dolla bills, yo, from housewives in the middle of the afternoon.

Unfortunately, the girls all pitch dunking baseballs like they dance hip hop, so in the end they had to bum rush the tank as a group in order to trigger the splash knob and send Abby into the water head first.  And upside down.  And booty, booty e’rrywhere.

Side note:  Christi was kinda digging the one in the black board shorts.  You could tell.  I’m betting somebody added a few more digits to their Contact List.

After everyone uprighted Abby from the beach sand and pushed her back to the safety of the ocean (…hey, Kendall said it…not me…) it was time for Tech Rehearsal at the Dance Concert venue.

The short version:  Chloe’s foot was getting worse.  It was swollen and hard to cover up when she was wearing a rubber.  Again…her words, not mine.

Moving on.  Quickly.

Christi was determined that Chloe dance at Nationals this year, since Mom was pretty much responsible for them both getting kicked out of N’awlins last year after her infamous Slurpee Fight with Leslie Ackerman.

You remember that one, right?  They called it the Big Easy Brawl.

(Insert Classic New Orleans Cage Match Flashback here: ____________________.)cr

Special shoutout to my boy Backwards Hat Guy who risked it all to throw himself into the middle of that pig pile between Christi and Leslie.  Dude.  Was.  Fear.  Less.

The next day, Chloe’s foot was now in a walking cast, because I guess overnight she had developed some kind of buckle fracture something or other that nobody seemed to have noticed until the MRI.  But I’m not a doctor.  Nor do I play one on TV.

Speaking of, though.  On General Hospital they give you MRI results while you’re still standing there covered in your own blood from a Mob shootout, but I guess in the Dance World you actually have to wait a day or two for somebody to figure out that your toes need to be taped together for a week.

And right before Nationals?  What a drag.

Jodi also told Christi she was acting like an idiot in the middle of yet another argument.  I should probably mention that part.  And the part where Christi volleyed back with how Jodi was nothing but filth on the bottom of a shoe?  That’s probably important, too.

Ooooh, Girl.  Smack Talk in da Perch.

With two days to go before the Concert, Abby showed up in a full head of curlers.  For some reason, she chose to do that a lot for the rest of the episode.  And they weren’t just curlers.  They were the big kind of curlers like your Grandma used to leave in all day.

And a quick run thru, Abby did the math and cut Sarah from the group routine because she was making the dance all lopsided now that Chloe had been sidelined.

Wait for it.  Wait for it.

Meltdown in 3…2…1…

Boom.  Christ-y went bonkers.

Sarah cried.  A lot.  Just like the last time she was on the show.  And the time before that.sc

Sarah wanted to go home.  Mom wanted her to suck it up, get a drink of water and go back inside the studio to face Abby.  She was relentless.  In between hyperventilating and hiccup crying, poor Sarah literally belted out the entire Frozen soundtrack as she kept begging her Mom to Let It Go….Let It Go…Let It Go.  It was like walking down the aisle at Toys ‘R’ Us when one of the talking Elsa dolls has her push button crystal gem necklace jammed and won’t stop singing no matter how hard you shake it.

Truth:  If you mute your TV screen and turn up the volume on your iPod, Sarah’s mouth actually moves in sync with Idina Menzel‘s singing no matter where you start the track.

I swear.  Try it.

Then more screaming.  And more crying.  I don’t even remember what they ended up doing.  I think they finally left the building, but I’m not sure.  All I really remember is that Sarah wasn’t the only one of us who needed a drink when it was over.

So much screaming and crying, I tell you.  My nerves.  Oy vey.  Let It Go already.

On the final day of rehearsals, it became clear that Kamryn was now the lead in the group routine.  You can probably fill in the rest of the conversation on your own.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And time for more curlers!

And that one guy in the director’s booth who had his face blurred out the entire time.  Like they do on COPS when they raid a trailer park.  What’s a dude in the Witness Protection Program even doing working for the ALDC anyway?

The group routine went well.  The big fake diamond that Kamryn heisted was almost as sparkly as all the Moms in their fancy clothes.  They clean up nice.

Nia did a back tuck flip thang that I didn’t even know was called a back tuck until somebody tweeted it.  Whatever you call it, she nailed it like I don’t know what.

Hashtag Boom Boom Pow.

Chloe cried in the audience because she couldn’t dance with her friends, so that made me sad.  This really hasn’t been her year.ch

Side note:  Words of Wisdom from the Mouths of a few Babes.  Kendall pointed out to Maddie that these 45 second solos were probably not the Most Important Thing Ever in the history of their Entire Life Ever.  Dance Life, maybe.  But Ever Ever Life?  Not so much.  

Those Vertes girls are pretty smart.

By the time Nia finished explaining to everyone how Abby doesn’t even usually pick her dancers strictly on who has the actual best technique, it was clear that some of these girls are wise beyond their age.

Oh, yeah.  Nia sees what you’re doing there, Abby.  She sees.

Some of the girls nailed their solos.  Some had a few weeble wobbles.  But don’t worry.  Abby put all their weaknesses down on report cards before leaving to finally pop a few of those curlers out, which gave the Moms just enough time to go one more round over favoritism at the ALDC.

Abby’s written remarks made Nia cry, which made me sad.  I think I still had some left over sadness from Chloe crying, so Nia didn’t help my mood by getting her own feelings hurt.

But Christi came to the rescue with one of the best morale boosting Mother/Daughter pep talks ever.  Granted, she had the wrong daughter, but her heart was in the right place and she really made Nia and me feel better.  Huggies.

After a quick curtain call (…Nia’s shoes, tho.  Dang, girl…) everyone headed to the Memorial Dinner, where there was more crying.  And James Washington in a bow tie.

And now I just need to let it all go before Nationals.

Because…you know…they’re next week I heard.

See you there.

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Dance Moms: The Road To Nationals Loses A New Rider When Another One Bites The Dust In Sunny Orlando.

Wednesday, September 17th, 2014

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I’m not telling y’all what to do, but if I were you I’d have a seat cuz Miss Maya ’bout to get real.

 

 

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I swear if this kid gets ice cream on the back of my head after 2 hours of flat ironing, I’ll lose it.

 

 

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That one over there is Sassy, the other one is either Snobby or Stretchy and I’m just plain Over It.

 

 

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I even told them all I’d bring my own wardrobe. Nothing. Dancing With The Stars sucks.

 

 

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How the f@*! did those little kids all get Louis Vuitton bags? Aren’t they like 5 years old?

 

 

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I swear if this kid takes one more picture of my Poof Imma take it out and beat her with it.

 

 

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If I were you, I’d be more worried about that guy creeping us from behind the wall back there.

 

 

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I speak to all of you. And I say “I told you so, mmkay? Boom.”

 

 

 

 

Wait.  What?

Nationals are coming up already?

No way.  I had no idea.

That’s what Abby Lee Miller has been screaming about every 30 seconds for the last four episodes of Dance Moms?  Nationals?  Really?  That’s where this Road leads?

I really need to start paying more attention.  Or stop muting my television every time somebody starts yelling on this show.  Because I almost missed the newsflash.

Nationals are coming.

But you probably already knew that, unless you’ve been living under a rock or down inside one of those massive ALDC parking lot potholes.  And Nationals means that every little dancer needs to straighten their knees, point their toes and step up their game if they want to earn a spot at…you know…Nationals.

Because they’re coming.

It also means that every second counts when you’re on the Road to Nationals, so Abby didn’t waste any time getting right to the Pyramid of Shame as soon as we all finished Living On The Dance Floor.

And speaking of.  When is Lifetime going to start pixelating out Kelly and her kids’ faces from the opening credits?  Not that I don’t love seeing them every week (…hollah at my gurlz!…) but it always gets my hopes up thinking that this week there’s finally going to be some surprise visit from the Hyland legal team or something.h2

Plus, you tell me that every New Mom on the New Team isn’t back home scotch taping their own face over Kelly’s just to see what it would look like to finally have a full season contract on a national television show.

Because you know they totally do that.   I would.  Maybe I even did already.

I bet my girl Tami even cuts out inappropriately tiny paper shorts for the full effect, because it’s straight up Booty Booty E’rrywhere with that one, I tell you.

Tami.  She’s crazy.  But she’s a hoot.

Unfortunately, the Pyramid didn’t get started quite as quickly as Abby had hoped it would.

The girls were all MIA because the Original Recipe Moms needed a moment alone with Ms. Miller to discuss the events that had taken place backstage in the middle of last week’s competition.

You remember.

It was that whole White Board of Doom thing that lead to a heated discussion about Respect where we observed Holly get quantitatively analytical (…see what I did there?…) right before she stood up to Abby and almost broke Twitter.

Nike:  Just Do It.

Crossing the Line:  Don’t Do It.  Ever.  At least not with Dr. Beyoncé‘s kid.

There was also the whole DidTheyPullTheNumberOrNot? scandal over last week’s ALDC Pyromaniac Match Dance, which I’m going to leave to the chat rooms because I’m not touching that controversy with a ten foot fire hose.

Abby did say that it was her prerogative to pull the number, which didn’t seem to phase the Moms but did make that Bobby Brown song stick in my head for the rest of the night. k

I don’t need permission.  Google it, kids.

This week, New Team Mom Tracey and her daughter Sarah were back in the hizzle after a short hiatus.  Sarah Numero Dos.

This is the tall Sarah, not the little Sarah who can’t breath when you yell at her.  This is the other Sarah, who I swear had enough metal orthodontics in her mouth for at least two people.  Maybe she just has a bigger smile than I had back in my 7th grade retainer days, but I’m pretty sure she’s not getting through any TSA checkpoints until those things are pulled off with Craftsman pliers.

Side note:  Somebody on this show needs to figure out how to make all the girls’ head shots look like a triangle again or just stop calling this stupid thing a Pyramid, because once again it was just a straight line of pictures and kudos for Maddie in the middle.

(Wasn’t that the name of a TV show?)

Kinda hard to rate your dancers when they…I don’t know…didn’t actually dance, I guess.

This week, Abby was excited to announce that everyone would be headed to Orlando, Florida for the Dance Kids USA Competition.

But NO swimming.  NO sun.  NO fun.  Which is probably the exact opposite of how the tourism brochure would prefer someone describe the place.

Sarah scored an acrobatic ‘Sun Goddess’ solo.  Kendall would also be going solo with a regifting of Maddie’s ‘Fool Me Once I Kissed A Boy And I Hated It’ dance from last week.

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Same song.  More pressure.

And to once again celebrate 2014 as the International Year of the Nia, Abby handed Sasha FierceFrazier a Maya Angelou solo piece.  The same solo that Abby had dangled in front of Nia’s nose last week and then benched when that whole Holly thing got too loud.  A moving tribute piece to Maya Angelou.  With spoken words!

Which opened up that whole can o’ internet worms one mo’ time.

Once again, Nia was handed another ethnic piece.  Yes, she was given another one of those LaQuifaSitInTheBackOfTheBusWerkItWhat? type of routines that always makes Mom grind her back teeth.  But it’s also one of Nia’s strongest dance styles.

Girlfriend can definitely Werk.  It.

And honestly, I’m not really in the mood to pay out my hard earned money just to watch Mackenzie stand around in a Bumble Bee costume reading Hallmark cards.

So Nia was clearly the first choice to pay tribute to Maya.  But because Nia’s awesome.

That’s why.  Not the other reason.

I think Holly knew it.  And so did we.

As the Moms hit the MomPerch, the girls began rehearsing the ‘Seven Dancers’ group routine, which was based on some movie about ‘Seven Dwarfs.’

(I love when they’re legally prevented from saying the actual names of things.  Awkward.)

Except that there were only six girls dancing.  Which is less than seven.  I hope one didn’t get stuck in a mine shaft or something.  Because that would be sad.n1

Luckily, there were only six dwarfs until Even Newer-New Mom Kate and Kayleigh showed up.  Whoever they were, they were on their way from who knows where to Pittsburgh.  Lucky for Kate, she just happened to be sitting around the house watching her stories and packing a dance bag when Abby hit her up on her Sidekick at the last minute.

I know, right?  Sassy.

Since there was still a little tension between Holly and Abby, choreographers Gianna and James Washington took charge of Nia’s solo.  You could already tell it was going to be some good stuff.  James looks like somebody but I can’t figure out who.

Christi and Chloe had to scoot out for a few because Chloe needed to get an MRI on her foot.  In the movies, the Show Must Go On and you dance on crippled, bloody stubs until the curtain comes down and the crowd covers the stage in roses, but in the Real World you need to get that s*** checked out asap or you’ll be the only girl in junior high wearing those shoes you always see the Pope wearing when he knows he’ll be on his feet all day.

Abby wasn’t happy about them leaving, but Christi always puts her daughter first.  Dance second.  So there.  Call my cell if you need me even though I won’t answer.

Side note:  You know how much I hate the fake karaoke Made Famous by Madonna music they always have to use on these shows due to legal mumbo jumbo, right?  Well imagine how much I hate fake karaoke Dwarf Whistling.  Imagine it.

Seriously.  Just stay down in that damn coal mine hole if that’s how you’re gonna sing the song.  I’m not even kidding anymore.  You’re ruining my childhood.

With one day to go, Kate and Kayleigh showed up.  My MomCrush Jill pointed out that they must have driven all night in a snowstorm on an empty tank of gas with no heat just to get to the ALDC and dance a Hokey Pokey Dopey Dance, which may or may not have explained why Kayleigh’s Mom looked so tired.k1

D’oh.  That was just mean.  I apologize.

Apparently I won’t delete it.  But at least I’ll apologize for it.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Mama’s getting her MallMojo back.  From that bold tie-dye Pyramid ensemble to that orange florally silk thing (…was there even a bottom to that outfit?  Oooh, Gurl.  Ya nasty…) Kendall’s Mom was On.  It.  This.  Week.

Love her.  Are you listening to me Dancing With The Stars?

Make it happen, ABC, or I swear I’ll never GuyCry during The Bachelorette again.

Kendall’s solo rehearsal was looking good, even though she had the added pressure of duplicating Maddie’s solo while also trying not to get herself arrested for clearly stealing all of Kamryn Beck‘s glittery headbands when nobody was looking.

Totally saw that, honey.  #BringBackTheKiaKamster.

Side note:  Did someone think that they really needed to subtitle Kate saying ‘Hi’ when she showed up at the ALDC studio?  Really?  It’s not like she and Kayleigh just walked into the living room on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

Abby also had the girls introduce themselves with their Dwarf names.  So there was that.

Basically, the next 40 minutes were the Old Moms picking on the New Moms and the New Mom picking on the Newer Mom.  Rinse & Repeat.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Candy Apples time!

Waymin.  Whaaa-?  What is that Ohio lady doing down there?

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Turns out that Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein was coincidentally also in Florida working with Lady Killer Lucas Triana, so while our boy was off getting his hair gelled somewhere she and Mom Brigette hit up the Dance Kids competition to see if they could make Abby lose her nutty and snag some free swag in the lobby.

The short version:  Cathy poked Abby with a stick every chance she got from the minute the ALDC arrived at the venue to when they left for the airport in a cab.

Cathy was relentless.

She was also hanging out with a guy who I swear used to play guitar for Prince.

Srsly.  Did you see that dude tagging behind Cathy everywhere with his hair all shoved to one side?  What the what?  Some of Cathy’s fashion choices do appear to be circa 1999 now that you mention it, so…hmmm…

Side note:  Louis Vuitton bags.  Instead of Hello Kitty backpacks.  That is all.

Sarah’s solo went fairly well, even though her lips looked like she ate a packet of Pop Rocks backstage right before the music started.  And her nerves were a little shaky.  But for one of her first major ALDC gig I didn’t think it went that badly.

And then Nia hit the stage.  Hard.

She spoke to Maya Angelou and said ‘Goodbye’ for all of us.  And then Maya Angelou spoke to me and said ‘Slap Yo Mama,’ because it was THAT good.

Kendall did just as good, too.  It was a Maddie Dance, but she danced it like it was a Kendall Dance.  Because…der…she’s Kendall.  And that is just fine by me.  And Jill.

Side note:  I think the only thing Melissa actually said for the entire hour was something about how she recognized Kayleigh from the Open Call Auditions.  Which would have been like picking out your favorite ant in an ant farm there were so many kids in the hotel ballroom that day, but maybe Melissa has a better memory than I do.

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Her hair looked really nice this week.

Backstage, Kate was still sleepy, but she somehow managed to slam Sarah for her sloppy feet and some transitions which set up a short New vs. Newer cage match.

Then finally, at least according to the lawyers for the Walt Disney Company, seven dwarfs that were totally not Snow White‘s seven dwarfs hit the stage wearing hats that looked like those mesh bags ladies use to wash out their delicates after a long day of work.

I swear.  On their heads, Hi Ho.

And Vivi-Anne was in the audience and the angels sang.

Until Cathy poked Abby again.  Abby changed seats.  Cathy talked through the entire routine.  Brigette had a little Mean Girl thing going on, even though I know deep down she’s a sweetheart.

Peer Pressure:  The More You Know, kids.

And then the Awards kicked in, after a slight delay to get Melissa back in her seat.  Sit down, Mom.  You’re drunk.

Sarah took Fourth Place.  Kendall came in Second.

And, ahem…Miss Nia Frazier snatched that First Place trophy like a Boss.

And the crowd went wild.

Say it with me:  First.  Place.

#InternationalYearOfNia.  Just saying.

Holly even put down her PhD long enough to have a total Dance Mom Spazz Attack in her seat.  Proud ain’t the word, people.  Insane is.

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Even that Hokey Pokey Dopey Dance got First Place.  So never say never.

And then the whole thing just turned into one big, poorly edited S***Show.

Abby booted Kate and Kayleigh out the door.  And then Tracey, who had a little meltdown.

Tracey cried.  Sarah stood there in her lingerie HatBag all like What’sHappening? 

At some point Cathy and Brigette came into the makeup room and congratulated Abby on winning First Place with the stupidest dance routine in the history of dance routines.

And then, like any good 2am bar brawl, the whole thing spilled out into the hallways and sidewalks of Orlando as Abby went screeching after Cathy.

(I love the way Gianna always follows right by Abby’s side like she’s the one carrying the ALDC taser in her purse.  She never says anything, she just hustles.)

Cathy and Brigette and that PrinceGuy got all caught up in the editing and were in front of everyone and then behind everyone and then outside having a cigarette and then back inside behind Abby so many times it messed with my focus.

And can we talk about that mysterious big guy who kept lurking behind the wall the entire time?  Security?  Bouncer?  Janitor?  Orlando Perv?

Maybe I watch too much CNN, but when someone keeps watching you all day but doesn’t want to be on camera, that always makes me wish I had Gianna’s pocketbook with me.

It was classic Abby.  And that’s all that really mattered.

And now we’re one last step away from Nationals.

Because…you know…I hear they’re coming.

PS.  Hashtag:  You go, Nia.  You just go.

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Dance Moms: Tick…Tick…And Boom! The White Board Of Doom Just Turned Maddie’s Buddies Into Understudies.

Wednesday, September 10th, 2014

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So you really think it’s a good idea to do this right now? You do know who my mother is?

 

 

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I know, right? If you squint I totally look like Vanna White.

 

 

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Me? Just Grandma pillow fringe, some Spanx and a squirt of jerky juice. What are you wearing?

 

 

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Imma need one of you to hold my Ph.D. cuz Mama’s about to shut this thing down hard.

 

 

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Forgot his costume at home, but I got a 3pack of Hanes and a crayon. Guess it’s time to MacGyver some warrior s***.

 

 

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I told you NEVER shoot me from this side unless you want me going all Mariah on your a**.

 

 

mz

 

 

Can one of you stop yelling long enough to fix whatever’s going on with my hair right now?

 

 

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Srsly. If this chick doesn’t stop talking I’m going right over the back of this seat. Today is NOT the day, sister.

 

 

 

With apologies to the other Beyoncé

        Abby, can you handle this?

        I don’t think you can handle this.

Because like the song says…I don’t think you’re ready for this smack down.

I know I wasn’t.

Trust me on this one.  Don’t mess with Holly Frazier.

Just don’t.

If you’re pressed for time, that’s the short version of this week’s Dance Moms episode.

Thanks for stopping by.  Be sure to enjoy the rest of your day.

But if you’re sticking around for all the details, you’ll probably want to grab a snack and pop a B-12 or a couple of Stresstabs, because it’s gonna be a long one.

With only two competitions, a concert and a couple of recycled Director Cut edits to go before Nationals (…which you get to via that infamous Road to Nationals…) the tension was already on the rise inside the studio as the gang rolled in for the Pyramid of Shame.

Seriously tense.  To the point where you could almost peel it off everyone’s skin like that ratchet paint job on the outside of the ALDC building.

Which, if we weren’t so pressed for time and space this week, would open up a whole other ironic discussion on how Abby managed to criss cross the country on Lifetime’s dime rescuing every podunk studio in America but couldn’t find one painter on Craig’s List to fix up her own damn house.  Really?

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I’m being serious.  If that little pip squeak Sarah Hunt eats one flake of lead paint I’m calling Child Services and shutting this entire production down.

This week it was back to just the Original Recipe Moms and Daughters, minus the Hyland contingent, of course (…Holla back, gurlz.  We miss you!…) which made it much easier to keep everyone’s names straight once the drama really kicked into gear.

Because let’s be honest…after four seasons half the viewers probably still don’t know which Christi/Christ-y/Kristie is which until they start yelling at each other.

The Pyramid started out positively enough with a quick celebration of last week’s winning (…yet questionably maybe racist or maybe not depending on your chat room preferences…) Native American group routine.

Nia had proven that 2014 is still clearly the International Year of the Nia by killing the lead dancer spot in her big Village People headdress.  Even Abby gave her props, which made her get all smiley and do that shoulder thing she does when she gets all smiley.

And then Melissa and my MomCrush Jill did a quick palm-of-your-hand-on-your-mouth Indian Scalp ‘Um White Man Tomahawk Dance in the background that somebody probably should have pixelated out before Tuesday night, given all the recent controversy on ESPN.

Live and learn, I guess.  But since Jill only goes to football games so she can wear bulky sweaters and watch her daughter do cheerleading tumbles, I’m pretty sure that neither of them have even heard of the Washington Redskins.

And can we just pause here to properly acknowledge that the Jill Vertes Fashion Watch was totally on-point this week?

Because it was.  Dang, Miss V.

Bottom of the Pyramid was reserved seating for Kendall, Chloe and MackZ.  Nothing new to report there, except that having only five dancers on the clock clearly made it difficult for Abby to create an actual working Pyramid since Nia and Maddie ended up side by side above the other three girls.

mdSo naturally, I got all excited thinking that there was some kind of tie for the Top Spot, which there wasn’t, of course.  Maddie was on top again, even though she was really just to the left of Nia by about two inches.

Geometry and Dance were never my favorite subjects in school.  Let’s just leave it at that.

This week the Old Team would be headed to Wayne, NJ for another performance at the Sheer Talent Competition.  Just like the Candy Apples.

Yeah.  Those Candy Apples.  Here we go again.

Abby had some inside scoop (…those producers just can’t keep their mouths shut any more, can they?…) that Cathy would be bringing back Gino Cosculluela for a solo.

You remember Gino.  He’s that kid with the TV News Anchor forehead who gave Maddie her first BoyKiss during a duet a few weeks ago.  The duet that ended up sending her running from the studio in search of two tins of Altoids and a year of psychotherapy.

That duet.

I swear Gino and his Dad Mickey must live in their car, because all they do is zip back and forth between Ohio and Pittsburgh.  Can’t you just picture the trunk of their Mazda all full of school books and hair gel?

To compete against Gino and prove that he totally kisses like a little boy wearing braces, Maddie scored a ‘Fool Me Once’ solo.  Except that she might not even be around for the competition by the weekend, due to some mystery Miami Project that may or may not actually happen.

Or even exist.

It was a little vague.  But just to be safe, Abby pegged Chloe and Kendall as Maddie’s understudies.  That way, should Miss America no longer be able to fulfill her duties, some one else could step in and take over the role for the remainder of her reign.  Or something like that.

Side note:  Melissa made this face a lot this week…

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The group routine was entitled Playing With Matches.  Pretty self explanatory, even though Abby felt the need to point out that the girls would not actually be torching any buildings in New Jersey since that state already has enough problems.

We get it.  Mess with Abby, you get burned.

As the girls started flicking their Bics in the studio, the Moms hit the MomPerch and quickly realized that Abby was crossing the line when it came to comparing all the girls to Maddie.  Enough already.

Maddie this.  Maddie that.  Maddie this.  Maddie that.  Why can’t any of you be like Maddie?  You’re not as good as Maddie.  Maddie is better than you.  Way better than you, actually.  Like Infinity & Beyond better.  That much better.  Which is a lot.

Holly was getting agitated.  Jill pointed out that the girls were looking defeated.  And Christi kept eating what appeared to be a box of those Goobers you get at the movies.  At least that’s what they looked like to me.  Girlfriend definitely had the munchies.

Everyone agreed that they should start keeping track of how many times Abby compared their child to Maddie, because that shizz just ain’t rite.  The Moms were at maximum capacity when it came to all this MaddieTalk.  Over.  It.

(Except maybe Melissa, of course.  Who I always feel bad for when this kind of thing starts happening.  She gets all squinty like there’s dust under her contact lens.  We love her.)

And then Holly started using Big Words.

Holly:  “We need a Quantitative Analysis.”

Christi:  “You mean, like a chart?”

Thank you for dumbing it down for the rest of us, honey.  Not everyone can afford Harvard.

Apparently there’s an App for That, because Christi immediately whipped out her iPhone and started tracking how many times Abby said the word ‘Maddie.’  So basically, what you’re telling me is that Apple can help you chart how many times your child is humiliated on national television but can’t get my f***ing mail down from the Cloud.  Nice.

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The next day, it got even better.

Jill showed up with one of those gigantic white boards that you always see in the deli when cheese goes on sale.  The kind of board that only comes clean with that special spray from Staples that smells like nail polish remover?  Do you know what I’m talking about?  No?

Have you ever accidentally pushed the wrong buttons on your remote and ended up on that cable public access channel where the guy is doing math in non-HD?

One…who watches that?  And two…he uses the same white board.

(Weekly Kamryn Beck-ism:  I bet she uses one in her bedroom when she’s calculating something that us normal, non-glitter headband wearing types will never understand.  Where has she been lately, anyway? #BringBackTheKiaKamster.)

The next 90 minutes or so were taken up with Abby yelling and screaming at everyone in the studio (…except Maddie, duh…) while Jill stood up in the Perch ticking off hash marks like she was counting down the days until her parole hearing.

It kind of looked like a cattle auctioneer and the final round of Wheel of Fortune and that lady score keeper from the Summer Olympics who couldn’t speak English all rolled into one.  I forget if I already knew that Jill was left handed or not, but it certainly explained all the bling on the right one every week.

There was also some drama with Abby and Gia trying to figure out what that white board was all about, even though all I really wanted to know was why Jill carries around a tripod easel and dry erase markers in her SUV.  Who does that?

If you watch South Park then you also got a pretty good chuckle when Abby said “Respect My Authority!”  My Authoritaaaaah!  

Hilarious.  But I guess if you don’t know who Cartman is then I just wasted your time.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Meltdown Time!

But first…

That little 12 year old bride having a complete spaz when the ALDC bus pulled into town.

That one right there.

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What the what with that kid?  Did she just get left at the playground altar or something?  Please tell me you saw that.  Buying the complete Season Four box set at full price is gonna be worth that 5 seconds of your life.  I promise.

(Spoiler Alert:  12 year old bride.  Hold that thought.)

As Abby and Company filed into the high school venue, Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein had somehow commandeered the front office and was squawking over the P.A. system like today was Fish Stick Day.

(Monday morning when the janitor opens the supply closet looking for those little urinal cakes, you know the principal is gonna fall out on the floor all terrorized with an apple duct taped in his mouth.  You just know it.)

Back in the makeup room, Jill wanted to know why all three girls couldn’t do the same solo in the competition.

Did I forget to say that Maddie didn’t go to Miami and was there with the ALDC?  My bad.

They also brought the deli board with them.  Because why not?

Flashback:  Even though Abby had previously put two girls into a competition doing the exact same routine before, somehow the rules were different in Jersey.  So it wasn’t gonna happen.  No other solos besides Maddie’s.  And no trio with a bunch of Maddie wannabe understudies bumping into each other and bringing down the scores.

And then Gino danced in his underwear.   I swear.

I think Gino is da bomb.  And a total playa just like Lady Killer Lucas Triana.  But I’m not putting Gino’s photo in this recap or I’ll end up on some government Offender Watch List somewhere.  Uncomfortable much?

Let’s just say that Cathy certainly saved money by cheaping out on costumes this week.

He rocked his solo, though.  And gave me some great moves to use the next time I BathroomDance in my tighties.

If I did that kind of thing, I mean.  Please.  I’m focused in the morning.m

Maddie was up next with her I Kissed A Boy And Hated It two step.  Abby couldn’t find anything wrong with the dance and Jill had to switch to a new dry erase marker because the old one ran out of ink.

And then it all went downtown.

Holly tried to explain to Abby what the board represented (…an ‘Observable’ for all you scientific MIT types…) but Abby wasn’t buying what Dr. Beyoncé was selling.

I can’t really even do it justice, but basically Holly stood loud and proud for all the other girls, past and present, that Abby continually beat down with her Maddie Mallet.

And it got real.

The ticks on the board represented disrespect.  And it was a big a** board, BTW.

Disrespect!  For Nia.  For Kendall.  For Chloe.  Even for MackZ, yo.

And then suddenly Abby announced some big Maya Angelou (…in an afro wig, no doubt…) extravaganza for Nia next week that nobody had even heard of up until this moment, but was now being benched because Holly had just confronted her in front of the other Moms like a Boss.

Nobody would know Nia if it weren’t for Abby Lee Miller.  You’re a grown woman taking it out on a kid.  You’re a baby.  Where’s the baby?  There’s a baby!  Got your nose.

Nia’s 12.  She’s not a kid.

She can have babies and get married in some countries.

Stop.  Stahhhp.

What.  Just.  Happened?

Melissa’s dirty contact literally popped right out of her head as Holly stormed out the door.  You’re ugly.  What you say is ugly.  And you just crossed the line.

Truth.

I don’t know where the Moms actually go when they storm out of a room.  They never take their purse or bus ticket, so I know they’re not getting very far.  But all the other Moms ran after Holly to make sure she was ok and didn’t assault that camera guy who was all up in her face like it was some Jersey Housewives Reunion.

Dude.  Back it up a few.  Mama is not in the mood.hf

Even Melissa tore down the hall, because at the end of the day, Friendship and Support is how they all roll even when they’re losing their nutty on each other.

(In case anyone cares, I also got up off the couch, put on my big hat and testified to Holly for Keeping It Real and saying what all the other Moms have been feeling for so long.)

Eventually everyone made it back into the auditorium to watch the Candy Apples bust out their group dance tribute to The Fault In Our Stars.  Cathy even gave the little girl one of those oxygen nose plug things like in the movie, but thankfully decided against the kids all dragging IV bags around the stage.  Probably a safety issue.

Not gonna lie, though.  The ALDC Moms could probably have used some of that purified oxygen by the time they found out that Abby pulled the group routine from the competition.

Because that’s what she did, just as they were about ready to hit the stage in their Li’l Abner acid wash denim overalls.

Side note:  Overalls are never an option.  Ever.  I would have cut the number just for the Farmer Pants.

Needless to say, backstage was not much fun after that move.

Holly and Abby went a few more rounds but Abby wasn’t even listening.  It was Her Way, or No Way.

It got heated.

How much is too much when it comes to taking somebody’s crap?  Melissa was obviously caught in the middle.  Jill and Christi sat in the choir getting all like MmmHmm while Holly ground her back teeth into chalk dust.

Aretha even stuck her head in the door and said R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  The Queen of Soul.

And then it was Abby’s turn to storm out of the room with one last zinger, leaving Holly and the other Moms to decide if this was even the right place for them anymore.

Holly:  “Get Some Class.”

Me:  “This is probably why they say never poke a bear cub while the Mom is standing right there in front of you spitting Big Words and dripping foam from her mouth.”  

And then I did my celebratory HollyDance.

Which is way different than my BathroomDance, FYI.

Oh, yeah.

Don’tchoo be touching the babies.

Not while Mama’s in the house.

Tick.  Tick.

And Boom.

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