Posts Tagged ‘Abby Lee Dance Company’

Dance Moms: Lights! Camera! Dance! Jump On The Bed And Then Shuffle Off To Buffalo For One Last Tribute.

Wednesday, April 9th, 2014




I never actually looked at the back of her head before. How does she even make it do that?







Oh yeah, Boyeez. There’s a new Christy in town.






If she wants some Jackson 5 Realness, how ’bout I dangle one of these babies over the railing?






Aw Hell Naw. I know they didn’t just slap that damn ‘Bring It!’ on top of me when my hair is looking so on point. Srsly?






I’m just saying it looks like a blue bathrobe. Don’t ask my opinion if you don’t wanna hear it.






Just tell her that she does NOT want me coming down there snapping my fingers in a Z formation.






Lawd, just gimme the strength to not turn around and snatch that cell phone right outta her sweaty paws.




Warning:  Dance Moms was a downer again.

Not as much of a downer as last week’s sob fest, but you still needed to dab the kleenex a few times as everyone continued to deal with the declining health of Abby‘s Mom Maryen Lorrain Miller.  It was getting real and raw now.

Luckily, though, there was also enough craziness and random Mama Drama to distract those of us who prefer their reality to be…ummm…a little less real, thank you.

There was a lot going on this week, so after a quick front desk tear jerker with Melissa, Abby got right down to business.  Her job was to keep going and that’s what she was going to do.  The Pyramid of Shame doesn’t care if you’re sad or not.

As everyone fell into position, Abby was quick to point out that it was time to start getting tough.  Thirteen wins in a row was nice, but fourteen would be nicer.

No pressure, of course.

Oh.  And next week the new ALDC competition team would be arriving.  So, yeah…on second thought…maybe a little pressure.

And how ’bout that new team?  I don’t know what train they’re traveling on, but it must be making stops at every corner because it has taken them for-ev-er to get to Pittsburgh.  Abby has been dangling this make believe team over the Original Recipe kids’ heads since last season.

But next week they would finally be in the building and my psychic powers are already telling me that at least one of them stuffed a KrazyMom in their suitcase.  So get psyched.

On top of all that exciting news, there was also Mackenzie‘s gangstah rap music video to deal with this week.  And maybe even an actual dance competition if they could squeeze it in between everything else going on at the studio.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was home to Nia, Kendall and Kalani.

Nia had been cut from the group number last week, so she was stuck on the bottom as punishment.  Mom Holly clearly did not agree with that decision and was so mad that she went to the salon and got herself an updo just to spite Abby.


Srsly, chile.  Girlfriend is werkin’ that new hair this season.  If you were taking shots every time Dr. Beyoncé changed looks this week you probably didn’t make it past the third commercial break.  Once you sober up, you might want to check the videotape.


Kendall was in the bottom because she came in Second in the last competition, which is not the same as coming in First.  And Kalani just seemed to be scotch taped next to Kendall in order to make room for Maddie on the top.

The mezzanine level was all about MackZ and Chloe.  MackDiddy got mad props for learning a dance and laying down recording studio tracks all in the same week (…never too young to learn good multi-tasking skills I always say…) while Chloe followed Kalani’s lead and got the heck outta the way so Maddie could be back on top.

This week the gang was headed to The Masters of Dance Arts in Buffalo, NY where all the routines would be performed as tributes to Abby’s Mom and her amazing career.

Chloe scored a 1950′s themed “Friday Night” sock hop soda pop solo, which represented how much Abby’s Mom loved watching Laverne & Shirley, while Maddie scored a “Come To The Cabaret” solo because I guess Maryen knew Liza Minelli or something.

The group dance was basically Maddie’s old “Amazing Grace” routine reworked with backup dancers.  All the girls would be in the number, except for MackTheKnife who was needed on set for her MTV debut.

Even though Chloe had made the cut for the MackZ video last week, she got yanked at the last minute to stay at the studio and work on her solo with James, some ALDC choreographer who suddenly materialized out of nowhere with duct tape covering the logos on his shirt.

I’ll never understand why people do that.  If you know you’re going to be filmed today, why do you always show up wearing a shirt with logos on it and then run all around looking for plumber’s tape?  How about you just wear a black tee shirt?

Macy’s sells a 3-pack for $19.99 fercryinoutloud.  And there’s always a coupon.

While Chloe and James did their best to make sure Nike didn’t get any free advertising, everyone else headed to Melissa’s house for some straight up video chaos.


An ‘on location shoot’ as they say in the biz.

Yup.  MackZ’s video was being filmed in her own bedroom, which was filled with so many colors and patterns and bouncy things that the scene should have probably had one of those disclaimers crawling across the bottom of the screen like you see when strobe lights are being used at a concert.

You just know that somebody in Idaho had a seizure before they even finished downloading the damn song off iTunes.

The whole extravaganza was being directed by Andrew, who can no proudly say that on national television he traded in his ManCard for his SAG card just by showing 200 tweeny boppers at a sleepover how to scream “What We Need Is A Girl Party!” with so much authenticity that it made me uncomfortable.  Dude.  Let’s not do that again, ok?

While Andrew pushed MackWhack off the bed so he and Abby could jump on it themselves, the Moms were all downstairs where the real party was happening.

Couple of things.

One.  I’m not gonna say I told you so.  But I told you so.

Didn’t I just say last week that my MomCrush Jill was waiting to unleash some of her signature Vertes Couture on us when we least expected it?  You know I did.

Whoop der it is.  Crazy fur.

Not as crazy as the blue bathrobe that she wore in the MomPerch later on in the episode.  But still classic Jill.

So, yeah.  I was right about that.  But I was wrong when I said that I couldn’t possible love her any more this week than I did last week.  Because now I do.

I think it’s probably because I know she stole that bathrobe from Canyon Ranch and I secretly want her to take me with her the next time she goes on a Girls’ Weekend Spa Retreat.  Whatever.

Two.  Didn’t the Moms look like they were on The View, all sitting around on those leather couches discussing today’s Hot Topics?  Holly even made a WhoopeeFace a few times.

Three.  I bet Melissa’s house smells like Homegoods potpourri and waffles.  It just looks like the kind of place that would have Eggos in the freezer.


Anyway.  Casa Ziegler was crawling with Old Moms and New Moms and so much commotion that I got a little car sick when everyone was in the same room.  Some never before seen ALDC Moms were in the hizzle for the fo’ shizzle video shoot, including big girl Christy (…with a ‘Y’…) whose daughter Sarah was up on the second floor with her head stuck in the staircase railing.

I think all of the Von Trapp kids were actually up on that overhang with Abby.  I was waiting for it to collapse like those fire escapes you always see on the news.

Melissa hates Christy with a Y for some reason.  I don’t know if she hates her more than she hated Kristie with a K last season, but definitely more than she hates Christi with an I on a bad day.

All I really know is that there’s probably a Pittsburgh cop specifically assigned to the Dance Moms detail by now, because Melissa threatened to call 911 if Christy with a Y didn’t yank her kid’s head out of the banister and get the hell outta her house after she did or said something that probably involved Maddie.

The next day, the video was in the can and the girls were back to rehearsing.  The Moms were in the MomPerch.  Melissa was squirting the biggest tube of lip balm onto her face that I’ve ever seen.  And my MomCrush was a vision in blue.

Bucket List:  Go to the Mall with Jill and see her in her natural habitat.  We could hang out in JCPenney while Holly’s gettin’ her hair did.

Downstairs, Abby was picking on Nia again.  So much so that she actually sent Nia upstairs to get her Mom, who was not in the mood at all.

Side note:  After months of in depth scientific research and studies, I’ve found a direct correlation between the curl in Holly’s hair and her level of sassiness.  It’s true.

And Mama set it on the big rollers today, if you know what I mean.

Snap.  And then another snap.  Any questions?

We also got to watch Maddie rehearse and see Abby cry.  Her Mom was slipping away, so she would not be going to the competition.  Which was sad, but also meant that Gianna could be large and in charge again this week.  She’s a tough cookie.


Gia even wore lipstick in her headshot interview, so you know she meant business.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And hiking in the snow time.

Seriously.  How far away did they park?  Did you see them trekking down the sidewalk?

Backstage in the makeup room, it was the usual backstage in the makeup room drama.  Melissa had gotten a text earlier in the week that Studio Larkin would be at the competition, which was apparently a pretty big deal since everyone was already starting to unravel before any of the girls were even dressed.

Speaking of things escalating quickly.  Somehow everyone started bickering over New Team vs. Old Team and then Christi with an I got (bleeped) out for swearing about Maddie and Kalani being new BFF besties.

Turns out that Maddie (…allegedly…) had talked some smack right up in Chloe’s face and then everyone in the room pig piled onto the argument.

The password is:  Favoritism.

Dr. Beyoncé even compared Abby’s seemingly random weekly exclusion of various girls to the way the Jackson 5 used to always forget to put Tito on the tour bus.

Holly has a PhD in Motown, you know.  True story.

Eventually, they even got to some actual dancing.

The Larkin Ladies were in the row behind our Dance Moms.  One of them didn’t look up from her Samsung Galaxy for the entire competition, so I’m not really sure why she even made the trip.  Not rude at all, right?

There was also a judge that was either a boy or a girl.  Just felt that needed to be said.

Maddie’s solo was a Maddie solo.  It was Broadway, baby.

As opposed to Broadway Baby.  RIP.

Chloe nailed her solo, getting all Shooby Dooby Wop Wop all over the stage.  It was fun to watch, even though that Larkin Lady missed the whole thing.


Right before the group routines, we got a glimpse of some unnamed dance troupe doing some kind of Wizard of Oz flashmob and it totally cracked me up.  I’ll be youtubing that bad boy later, don’t you worry.

The Studio Larkin team’s dance was great.  But it should be, since I’m pretty sure that all the girls were in their early 30s.  What the–?

They also all had the same color hair and looked like some Stepford Wives meets Radio City Rockettes mad scientist experiment.  At first I thought that maybe the actual Larkin girls were stuck on the side of the road with a flat tire and the Moms had to go on in their place, but I dunno…

And then the ALDC team did their thing.  Chloe looked like she had somehow gotten taller while she was backstage changing out of her solo costume and Maddie came up off the stage floor like Lance Bass did in that *NSYNC marionette video.

Google it, kids.  There really was life before Bieber.  Trust me.

If MackZ’s psychedelic bedroom hadn’t already made you bite your own tongue off, those flashing light towers at the back of the stage probably did the job.

Gah, I hate those things.

And then it was over.  And so was the ALDC’s winning streak.

Studio Larkin took the top spot.  Gia and the girls took Second Place.

But this week wasn’t about the trophies.  It was about paying tribute to an amazing lady.

Even Abby said it.

Nobody could believe she said it.  But she said it.  And it was true.

Next week probably won’t be pretty.  At all.

But today was different.

And even more important than a trophy.

Today was for Mom.



Dance Moms: Family Comes First. But Winning Is Certainly A Close Second When It Comes To Cheers And Tears.

Wednesday, April 2nd, 2014




You got about two seconds to get that hand off m’weave before the s*** starts getting real in here.






If she don’t put me in that video I swear I’ll snap the heads off all her Barbies when I get home.






Mack Baby Z is in the hizzle, yo. It’s gonna be dope. And I have no idea what I’m talking about. 






Put on your biggest Kardashian hair and pucker up those Instagram lips. It’s time for a Girl Party!





Not trying to throw my education in yo’ face, but it doesn’t take a damn PhD to count six costumes.







I know you see me back here watching you. I’m watching you so hard, Gurl.








The hellz this s***?




Grab your Capezio bag and a box of Kleenex, kids.

It’s time to dance your face off.  And cry your eyes out.

Dance Moms was a downer this week.  A big ol’ downer.

No other way to describe it, as the show dealt with family responsibility, growing old, illness and the impending passing of Abby‘s Mom Maryen Lorrain Miller .

Basically all the grown up stuff that I try to avoid at all costs.  If you’ve been hanging around here for any time at all then you already know that I’ll do anything to avoid having an adult conversation.  And this week was no different.  But if we all stick together, support each other and make fun of a few people, I know we can get through this.

There was definitely more crying and less screaming this week as everyone tried to come to terms with the inevitable.  A lot of crying, actually.  Little kids crying.  Big kids crying.  Moms crying.  Even some group crying thrown in there to make sure we all went to bed in a really bad mood on a school night.

Grab Your Kleenex Moments, as they say.

If that’s not your thing, I’ll do my best to warn you ahead of time if anything mopey is about to go down.  That way you can either skim over it like nothing bad ever happens in real life, or save it for when you’re all alone and nobody can see you ugly cry.

Coming off twelve straight wins in a row, the ALDC Team was already sniffing out #13.  A dozen wins later and they still hadn’t run out of steam.  Just rhymes.

Gone were the ‘Eleven is Heaven’ and ‘Twelve on the Shelve(s)’ chants.  Now it was just Lucky Thirteen, like they weren’t even trying to be clever anymore.  Just win the damn thing, already.  We’re dancers, not poets.

As everyone scooted in for the Pyramid of Shame, it was clear that Abby was going to be an emotionally overbooked hot mess this week.

Not only was her Mom sick, but she was also dealing with the upcoming auditions for Mackenzie‘s Girl Party music video and a studio floor that was completely cluttered with gigantic rolls of seamless green paper and camera equipment, thanks to an in-progress photo shoot for MackZ’s new gangster rap CD and puffy paint sticker collection.


Not to mention another competition.

You don’t just get handed the Lucky Thirteen.  Der.

Needless to say, you could already tell what tracks this runaway train was headed down as everyone rolled into the building.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was everyone except Kalani.  Boom.  Done.

Every girl had done exactly what they were supposed to do in last week’s group competition, even when they couldn’t hear the music from the stage, so Abby just lined ‘em all up and kept it moving.  Kalani had snagged the top overall score in Ohio, so she was the week’s top dancer.

Rules are still rules even when you change the shape of the Pyramid.

Sidenote:  The OCD part of me can’t stand how some of the girls head shots are real head shots, while some of them are half body shots.  Consistency, people.  Drives me nuts.

First Grab Your Kleenex Moment:  I think Melissa cut her own bangs.  That wasn’t the saddest part, but I did get a little emotional during her solo confessional spot.

The sad part was actually when Abby gave an update on her Mom’s condition.  Melissa talked about Maryen and how much she meant to everyone at the ALDC.

Abby cried.  The kids cried.  Melissa bawled.  And then Abby motioned for one girl at a time to come forward for a hug.  Just one.  Like when the Pope pulls you from the crowd on Easter Sunday.  No disrespect to the Pope or to the Abby.  I just get uncomfortable when things get too sad and make Pope jokes.

This week, after months of threats and open casting call auditions,  Abby would finally be deciding on her new team.  A second ALDC Elite Team to send into battle and hog even more trophies from the folks over at Candy Apples.

Who would be on the new team?  Who knows.  Would the old team still be intact?  Who knows.  But all would be revealed as soon as the final round of cuts took place in Pittsburgh.  So stay tuned.


Kendall and Nia both scored solos this week.  Chloe and Kalani were handed a duet.  And the whole team (…Spoiler Alert:  Or not…) would be dancing in a Bollywood & Vine group number.

GYKM:  After a few more hugs and tears (…Melissa was taking this harder than Abby was…) everyone got to rehearsing while the Moms hit the Perch for some dead silence and sad faces.  This whole cloud of depression was really bringing down their mojo.

I felt especially bad for Kira, who was so new that she didn’t even know what to do with herself while the Original Recipe Moms reminisced about all their years at the ALDC.  She looked at her nails a lot this week.  I did notice that.

MoleGate.  And that’s the last time I’m saying it.  Don’t ask me again.

Nia and Kendall’s rehearsals were a little wobbly right out of the gate, but I had complete faith in both of them.  Despite it being the Official Year of the Nia, my girl hasn’t had much luck with her solos this season, so it was really important that she nail her shoo bop a doo bop this week.   And Kendall just needed to make it through one entire episode without crying.  Which is totally doable, because she’s got the right stuff.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Pretty low key this week.  Hair looked good.  Nothing too outrageous going on in the wardrobe department.  But don’t get too comfortable.  I’ll bet you anything that she’s just laying low for a week or two before springing some signature crazy a** ostrich fur on us when our guard is down.  Like she’s waiting in the fashion jungle for the perfect moment to shoot us in the neck with a dart when we’re not looking.

Love.  Her.

Then it was time for some Mack Diddy Fo Shizzy Zig Ziggly in da house, yo.

Apparently Abby is the brains behind this whole Mackenzie music video concept that came out of nowhere a few weeks ago, because after shlepping MackZ to the recording studio to lay down some riffs, she was now running an audition for backup dancers.

Q.  Do you like eating sugar straight out of the bag, kissing Cody Simpson posters and jumping up and down on Austin Mahone bedsheets during a sleepover?

A.  Yes?  Then do I have the audition for you, Miss Thang!  Sign at the glitter ‘X,’ please.


Sitting behind one of those tables that block every grocery store exit during Girl Scout Cookie month, Abby and MackYoWhack put every girl who couldn’t get a ticket to the Kids’ Choice Awards through some backflips and age appropriate booty pops before deciding on a team of dancers.  Chloe was cut.  I think it was her height, because otherwise she werked it just fine.  They played some mind games on Maddie before allowing her to participate and then finished up by adding a few random girls into the mix.

I’m thinking that Brooke Hyland is probably throwing herself off the roof of that Big Apple Tour bus right about now if she witnessed all the attention that Abby smothered over Mackenzie this week.  I’m pretty sure I don’t recall this much TLC when Brooke wanted to break onto the iTunes charts.  Wasn’t Brooke’s entire video shot with last year’s iPhone?

And you know Abby bought the bus tickets during a Groupon promo.

I do miss all that Hyland Hilarity.

Then it was back to the group dance.  And more problems in the costume department.

Turns out that Abby was short one costume for the Bollywood routine.  Five instead of Six.  Which I didn’t understand at all, considering that there were only six kids in the whole ALDC team.  The same six kids from last week when you had the same costume drama.

How hard can all this be to remember?

Due to the shortage,  she ran everyone through the rehearsal one more time and then cut Nia.  OhNoSheDin’t.

Holly was all like OhHellNo and I was all like YeahWhatSheSaid and then I realized that I forgot to put the link to Dr. Beyoncé’s new book in the recap last week.  And if you don’t buy the book, then they won’t make the movie.  And I’ve already picked out what I’m going to wear during my walk-on cameo…so let’s go, people.  Chop Chop.

But what I really don’t get with the whole CostumeGate thing (…let’s see how long I can milk this trend before I lose readers…) is how Abby can order a complete size range of outfits but then randomly cut a dancer.  I mean, what is she had cut Mackenzie instead?

Would Nia end up on stage wearing a costume made for a tiny 9 year old girl?  How does she keep messing up the counts?  And while she’s online, why doesn’t she just order a damn calculator from Staples?  Geez, Louise.


GYKM:  This one was too sad to even make jokes about.  I already crossed the line last time when I picked on that stuffed dog, so I’ll just take a pass on Melissa’s visit to the Sterling House if that’s ok.  It was heartbreaking to see Abby and Melissa crying in the hallway after catching a glimpse of the dark room where Maryen was spending her last days.  Nobody wants to see anyone suffer.

Back at the ALDC, Gianna was large and in charge this week, getting the girls ready for their Dance USA competition in Ohio.  The only thing larger was a gigantic Pinterest board that had mysteriously shown up in the middle of the studio.  If Pinterest had a Messed Up Mind Game category, that is.

The board was tacked full of the old Team’s photos across the bottom and a bunch of new faces all slapped haphazardly across the top.  Subliminal much?

Needless to say, the Moms were not big fans of Abby psyching out her Dream Team from the other side of town.  Even the girls were all like WTF? as they rushed the board the same way everyone on Glee used run to the wall when the leads in the Spring musical were announced.

MackZ sez that shiz is whacked fo’ shizzle.  Let’s just have a Girl Party instead!

Finally, it was Showtime!

GYKM:  The bus ride to Ohio when the girls each took a second to remember their favorite Maryen Moment.  Ruined only by Abby on the other end of Gia’s phone making it clear that she didn’t need the girl’s love….she need their win.  So there’s that, I guess.

The duet was like looking in a mirror.  OMG.  Chloe and Kalani were totes twinsies.  

Kendall’s solo was on point.  I’m pretty sure that she was wearing Mom’s pleather pants.

Nia gave Face for days when she hit the stage.  We don’t need no stinkin’ group number, mmmkay?  I’m thinking that Sasha Nia is back, bitches.

GYKM:  Holly’s backstage prayer circle.


As everyone scrambled to drop their buns lower (…a joke right now would be way too easy even for me…) it was clear that Nia not only gets all her sass from her Mama but all her faces, as well.

Clearly, she was not happy that she couldn’t be in the group routine and some of Nia’s soon-to-be patented FrazierSideEyes gave me life.  I’m totally stealing that one look she gave Kalani and Chloe the next time I’m stuck in a long line at the DMV.

Scroll up and enjoy it one more time, if you’d like.  I’ll wait.

The group dance brought the house down.  And it looked pretty legit, even though the only frame of reference I really have is that first year they did Bollywood on So You Think You Can Dance and the Pussycat Dolls‘ Slumdog video.

I’m also going to assume that the night before competition the Moms all went out for shots and got henna tattoos, because that totally happened.  I think all that intricate body art is really cool until it starts wearing off and then you end up just looking like you forgot to wear gloves when you refinished your dining room chairs over the weekend.  They need to figure out a better way for it to fade out.  Just saying.

Speaking of the Pussycat Dolls.  The Moms all busted out some redoinkulous MomDancing prior to the Awards ceremony.  Please let their be a blooper reel when the Season 4 DVD comes out.  I don’t ask for much anymore.

Results?  Nia took Third.  Kendall took Second.  The duet pulled First Place.  And the group routine gave them all the Lucky Thirteen they had been dreaming about all week.

Even with all the tears, it was a big success.

And over.

Time to gather all those wads of kleenex up off the floor and call it a night.  Don’t worry…next week doesn’t look nearly as gloomy.  So pull it together.

The preview even showed some screaming, a couple of swear words and MackJackKnife cutting a bitch during the taping of her sleepover video.  I think we’re back in business next time.

So now it’s just the final GYKM of the week:  Saying goodbye to all of you.



Dance Moms: You Better Werk. It’s A Drag Queen Extravaganza During The Sister Showdown. Maddie Face x 2.

Wednesday, March 19th, 2014




Srsly. How ’bout you just get your hands outta my weave and sit yourself down. Laquifa got this.






Drag Queen? I thought they said Dry Clean. I’m just gonna stay cute a little bit longer.






Wait. What? Why is that camera all up in my face every time they talk about Drag Queen potential?






I didn’t think of Maddie even one time while that girl who’s not Maddie was dancing.






MmmHmm, Gurlz. This is how you give Vertes Realness. Don’t be jealous of my MomDance.








Hashtag: YouWish








Shut. Up. Duct tape? I thought wrapping my ankle was tough.




Cover Girl.

Put the bass in your walk.

Sickle Toe.

Make your whole body talk.

Walk.  Now walk.

Oh, Honey.  Let me tell you.  They were sashaying down the Dance Moms Runway this week.   Every one of them.  Snapping and werking those fierce mail order wigs and questionable makeup choices like they were lip syncing for their ALDC lives.

Which is closer to the truth than you might think.  Because everyone is replaceable, you know.  Even during Drag Queen Week.

Fresh off 10 wins in 10 weeks, Abby Lee Miller and Co. were looking to make it 11 straight.  Or not-so-straight, if you want to get the first RuPaul joke out of the way before we get to the Pyramid of Shame.

As everyone scooted in for this week’s leader board, tiny Fallon and her Mom Cheryl were noticeably MIA from the lineup.  I’m not really sure if Fallon was cut after only one episode or had simply forgotten how to get into the studio through the front doors.

Because she literally forgot everything else last week.  Am I right?

Ouch.  Too soon?

In their place was not-quite-as-tiny Payton and everyone’s favorite Walmart Mom Leslie.

Dat’s rite.  They’re baaaaaack!

Payton seemed to have recovered nicely from being attacked by that folding chair a few weeks ago.  Her ankle was no longer in a boot and Mom didn’t have to carry her in on her back this time.  So it looked like she had healed right up and was ready to go.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was home to Mackenzie, NiaPayton and Holly‘s first HollyFace of the week.  (Spoiler Alert: If you’re pressed for time and want to fast forward your DVR to the good stuff, the face that Dr. Beyoncé unleashes on the bus is this week’s clear winner.  And you’re welcome for this new screensaver.)


Mackenzie was stuck on the bottom because she hadn’t gone to the most recent competition.  Nia, on the other hand, had gone but given too much Face in the group routine.  After a short discussion it turned out that she had actually given just the right amount of Face.  But the wrong Face.  So clearly, you need to make sure you pick the right one going forward.

Payton finished up the trifecta thanks in part to all the drama during her last competition with the ALDC (…pre-Attack of the Chair…) when she had cried like a little Goo Goo Baby after Leslie accidentally gave her a Boo Boo Kitty while clipping in a cheer bow.

That girl needs to stop acting like a baby.   I mean, like right now.

And I know from experience that the first thing I always do when someone tells me to stop acting like a baby is to start acting like a baby and run out the room in tears.

Because that’s what Payton did.  And it worked about as well for her as it works for me.

Mom ran out after her.  Then Abby walked out after Mom, because Abby doesn’t run unless the building is on fire.

A few minutes of hysteria and ugly crying later, everyone came back in to finish up the Pyramid.  It’s only a one hour show, people, so let’s keep it moving.  Chop chop.

Middle row went to Chloe and Maddie.  Something about how one of them is home schooled and one isn’t.  And I’m not judging.  I’m just saying that if you go to public school you get fish sticks.  I think the correct choice in that debate is pretty clear if you really weigh the tasty pros and cons.

Top of the Pyramid went to Kendall, which made Jill happy.  Which in turn made me happy because Jill is still my MomCrush.  Especially when she dresses up in crazy vests and throws stuff at people’s heads.

This week the gang was headed to a brand new competition.  The World Class Talent Experience in Rockville, MD.

Chloe, Maddie and Mackenzie all scored solos.  Ziegler vs. Ziegler in the first ever Monster Truck Pull Showdown Throw down.  With poor Lukasiak now fighting for her spot in the shadow of not one…but two…Maddies.


Abby’s not-so-secret goal has always been to create an army of Maddies to overtake the dance world.  We all know that.  And what better place to start than with someone who already shares her Number One girl’s DNA and orthodontic issues?

For the competition this week, Mackenzie was going to be performing one of Maddie’s classic routines.  In one of Maddie’s old costumes.  Probably with Maddie’s old head if Abby could figure out a way to swap it out with the one that was already growing on Mackenzie’s shoulders before the weekend.  Not gonna lie.  It’s getting creepy up in here.

The group routine was going to be based on the hit Broadway Musical Kinky Boots.

Say Wha–?  Did you just say Drag Queen Realness?

Everyone squealed in joy.  Nia got so excited that she collapsed into a Death Drop complete with two snaps in a Z formation on the way down.

Laquifa is back, bitches.

As the Moms hit the MomPerch, the girls all got to werking it like they were girls pretending to be boys dressed up as girls all werking it at a club on Fire Island.

(I didn’t even understand that sentence and I wrote it.  Don’t worry about it.)

Upstairs, Leslie somehow managed to pick up the conversation exactly where she had left off a month ago.  She’s good like that, I guess, because she started right back in on Christi and Abby like she had just seen them last night.  Same yelling.  Different outfit.

More importantly, though, Dr. Beyoncé had a gigantic new water bottle.  Which meant that she was either training for the Pittsburgh Marathon or had made a conscious decision to cut down on some of that caffeine.  Nice to see that she’s finally getting that Starbucks monkey off her back.  I don’t know how any of those Moms sleep at night with all the Cup o’ Joes they suck down up in that Perch.

Rehearsals chugged along like they always do with one day to go.  I think Gianna had a cold or something.  She kept coughing and her eyes looked like mine do when the pollen count gets too high.

Side note: Abby’s hair was completely whacked out at one point.  Completely.  Like she had just run through a lawn sprinkler before coming inside.  Except that I know this was filmed in the winter, so I have no explanation for what was happening other than maybe she was just trying to channel Beyoncé in that new video.  So we’re clear, I should probably point out that straddling a chair backwards in a wet body suit is a little different than sitting on a pile of gymnastic crash pads wearing sensible shoes.


Just something to ponder next time you’re Drunk In Love with some time to kill.

Cue the Drag Queens, please.  And bring back my gurlzzzz.

Werk!  Next thing you knew, the door to Studio A flew open and in sashayed Miss Lola and Blade, two of the fiercest Queens that Pittsburgh could afford to put in public transportation and send to the ALDC.

Miss Lola was all side swept hair and smokey eyes, clearly sent from the Heavens to show the girls how it’s supposed to be done.  Blade was all ombre curls and 9 feet tall in heels, clearly sent from the Heavens to look at herself in the studio mirrors while Miss Lola did all the heavy lifting.

The Moms literally scrambled over each other in a pig pile to get downstairs.

Side note#2:  Miss Lola commented that she definitely saw some Drag Queens in the making right before the cameras zoomed in on Jill’s face.  That wasn’t awkward at all.

Lining everyone up on one side of the studio like she was picking teams for an impromptu game of Dodge (Your) Ball, Miss Lola attempted to show all the Moms and kiddos how to werk that runway like a Super Model.

Umm.  Yeah.  Nia nailed it like it was her day job.  Been there.  Done that.  The rest of the girls kinda sorta figured it out, even though I saw most of them do the same dance at the Teen Choice Awards last year.

Dr. Beyoncé had it going on and looked like she might have been a hoot back in the days when she chaperoned all those school cafetorium dances.  Leslie even managed to turn flagging a cab outside of Sam’s Club into her own version of Buying In Bulk Fierceness.

But Melissa?  And Christi?  And Jill?  Oh my.

They might want to check out RuPaul’s youtube channel for a refresher.  Asap.

Remember when Dorothy, The Scarecrow and The Tin Man all linked arms and criss crossed their legs down the yellow brick road?  Or the psychedelicly groovy opening credits from The Monkees 1960′s television show?

Yeah.  That totally happened.  For a long time.  And they need to promise to never do that again or I swear I’ll book a flight to Pittsburgh and give all three of them a soap opera slap.


Miss Lola also hooched up Payton so we could see what she would look like as a Drag Queen with a bad perm.  I don’t remember asking, but maybe somebody else did.

Once the Queens sashayed away, it was back to cloning some more Maddies and finishing up rehearsals before hitting the road.  We learned more about The MaddieFace vs. The MackenzieFace, as well as how much effort goes into making a boy look like a girl.  Too much work, if you ask me.  Or Mackenzie.

Then finally, it was Showtime!

And one more chance to pound #MaddieFace into Mackenzie’s brain.  Because I guess people actually search that hashtag on Twitter.  Probably not as often as they searched for #BobCostasPinkEye, but you know.  A Face is a Face, right?

Maddie’s solo was a tap routine this week, which unfortunately gave me a flashback to the heavy walkers who used to live above me in my old apartment and negatively effected her scoring in my head.  Nothing personal, but you try sleeping while a family of fourteen are doing shuffle step spank digs on a school night.

Mackenzie’s Tribute To Maddie routine was going well until somebody in the production booth decided to go Picture-In-Picture and slap the original version down in the corner so we could compare sister against sister like it was the Superbowl or something.  I don’t know whose face Mackenzie was using by the end, but she seemed to have nailed it for her first Showdown.

Melissa even cried and stated that for a full 2 minutes she didn’t even think of Maddie one time.  I knew I should have put the World Record people at Guinness on speed dial.

Side note#3:  That skinny judge in the loud shirt with the buzz cut and sweaty forehead certainly caught me off guard.  That’s all.

Side note #4:  Were they doing makeup in the hallway or in a room or what was going on there?  It was the oddest set up, complete with an ALDC banner and sheets hung everywhere like when your babysitter helps you make a fort at a trade show.

Laquifa sez What The–?

And speaking of.  Sasha Nia had it going on with her Drag ‘do.  Nice to see that Abby finally tossed the ’70′s sitcom afro for good.  It was so fierce that Mom couldn’t stop patting it the whole time they were getting dressed.

Step away from the weave and nobody gets hurt, ma’am.


As for the rest of the girls, I’m not sure the other Moms actually read the email.  Maddie looked like George Washington.  Kendall looked like Kendall with new hair.  Mackenzie looked like her lace front was going to knock her off the stage.  Chloe looked like her Mom in one of those Dolly Parton wigs from the back of a magazine.

And Payton just scared the Beliebers outta me.

Did I forget to mention that most of the girls were wearing shiny silver Go Go boots all week?  Like Lost In Space meets Laugh-In Go Go boots.

(Google it kids.  You’re on your freakin’ phones all day.  Do something productive while you’re walking into people on the sidewalk.)

Not gonna lie.  Knowing the ALDC’s history with head gear mishaps, I was feeling a little anxious before they hit the spotlight.  The dance had the potential to either be amazing or end up looking like the hair aisle in CVS where everyone is always screaming at each other over the last box of pink rollers.

Hold my purse and my weave, gurl.  This shiz ’bout to get real.

But everything stayed where it was supposed to stay.  It was laid, as they say.  Mackenzie managed one of her signature hand stand walk arounds with out losing any tracks, even busting out a baby twerk when she landed back on her feet.  Booty Booty e’rrywhere.

She’s still a patootie.  Don’t you grow up too fast now, you hear?

When it was all over, the crowd had no idea what just happened.  Everyone just kept looking at each other like they couldn’t decide whether to applaud or leave now and go directly to church.

Chloe pulled Third Place.  Mackenzie and her original face pulled Second.  And then #YoullNeverBeMeSoDontEvenTry pulled First Place.  Again.

Even the group routine placed First, so I guess Maryland knows a good Crab and a good Queen when they crack one open.

And then Leslie and Melissa suddenly started screaming at each other out back for some reason.  Pretty much right out of the blue.  Because someone has to fight every week.

It’s in the rules, remember?

And this week it was Melissa’s turn to werk it.  And to walk it.

Right out the damn door, Miss Thang.

Slam.  Now slam.n1

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