DanThat'sCool!

 

 

Seriously? He’s a psychic podiatrist? And now your kid is all better, and that’s really your natural hair color? Pleez.

 

 

 

 

Just like those are your real eyelashes. And your kid’s a big playground bully.

 

 

 

 

Keep it up. Soon as I finish my Starbucks, somebody’s gonna be picking all their extensions up off the floor, sister.

 

 

 

 

 

Bitch, pleez. I used to be the pretty one.

 

 

 

 

 

Lawd. Give me the strength to not go all Jenny Knock Yo’ Block Off on some of these Bingo Ladies right now.

 

 

 

 

This is really my life?

 

 

 

 

 

 

OhMyGod! We’re not the craziest ones anymore! Shotskis!

 

 

 

Hi.  Thanks for coming.

And now…The Pyramid of Shame.

Boom.  Zoom.  Meow.

That’s pretty much how it went down on the latest episode of Dance Moms.

Abby Lee Miller got right to bidnezz before the opening credits even finished rolling this time around, because after coming in 2nd Place last week (…which, as foretold in the ancient Dance Scriptures, is always the First Loser…) she was not in the mood for games.  Or all the smack talk that was just about to be unleashed.

The ALDC had not only been beaten out of the top spot, but they had been beaten out of the top spot by several dance teachers that Abby did not even know.  Strangers.

So it was time to put the pressure on, starting with the required reveal of the latest Seriously…Maddie Again? Pyramid of Shame.

Bottom row was looking pretty familiar.  Mackenzie, Paige and Kendall.

MackNapSack was still on the ground floor because she had not danced in last week’s competition, thanks in part to whatever it was that was going on with her foot that day.

Nobody really seemed to know what the dealio was with her doinked up foot anymore except that she was originally told by some mysterious unnamed doctor to not dance for two weeks.  Unless she was somehow immaculately, miraculously cured of all ailments earlier than expected, of course.

Then it would be ok to dance.  Hold that thought.

Paige was back on the bottom because she held the American flag upside down at the end of the patriotic group dance and apparently almost ignited an enemy invasion of our shores, even though the jury is still out on whether or not it was really Asia‘s fault for getting the thing all goobed up on Paige’s head during the hand-off.  That one will probably end up in some dead file with all the other unsolved dance mysteries, because nobody could agree on a verdict.

And, of course, Brooke was hanging low again because she’s Brooke. Not to mention the whole Mom Kelly thing and the fact that Brooke seems to be phoning in her participation lately.  Which is probably pretty easy to do, considering that she never looks up from that hot pink Barbie iPhone when she’s off the dancefloor.

OMG.  Boys.  LOL.  Boys.  TTFN.  Send.

Second tier was all about Chloe, Nia and the aforementioned Asia.  They all did a great job at the last competition and got rave reviews, but 2nd row is basically just an FAA holding pattern to allow AirMaddie to zoom past, land and then taxi up to the best spot on the tarmac.

And she did.  Maddie was at the top of the Pyramid again. Yadda yadda yadda.

This week, providing the gang could get their shizzle together and focus, they would all be heading to Youngstown, OH for the Energy Dance Competition.  That’s the competition with that gigantic projected backdrop featuring the silhouette of a dancer that looks like some five year old took his Crayola and traced over a map of Italy.

Seriously.  What is that?

As Abby was about to hand out solos and such, she noticed that MackSlap wasn’t wearing her air cast.  And wasn’t she supposed to be chillin’ like a villain off that thing for a full two weeks?

Sounding like she got caught sucking on a giant Gobstopper jawbreaker, tiny MackSplat said that she felt better and that yes…no…maybe…she had been to the doctor again and he might have said it was probably definitely could be ok to do stuff.

Really.  She gave all those answers at once.  Like Jodie Arias, but without the fake glasses and the headstand.  Don’t get me started on that one.

Melissa came to her defense.  Kinda.  Sorta.

Yes, they had seen the doctor.  But no, they hadn’t.  And he said it was ok if she felt better, because a 7 year old always knows more about juvenile podiatry than someone who went to med school.  The doctor had even somehow managed to x-ray MackSmack’s gimp foot simply by having Melissa press the phone receiver up against her leg and count to 30.  You have to admire the advances in modern medicine.

I don’t know.  It was so jumbled I just went and got a snack.  If you DVRed the episode and plan on watching it later, right now is when you can go to the refrigerator and not miss anything.

Maddie and Chloe scored solos.  Nia and Asia, Fierce 1 & Fierce 2, were matched up in a duet.  Both of them.  Together.

Can I get a Halleloooo from the congregation?

The group number was entitled Hear No Evil (…as in: ‘Don’t listen to any of your Moms’ crap’…) but Maddie wouldn’t be participating.  She would be assisting with the choreography.  Which was somehow different than being an Assistant Choreographer.

Don’t ask.

The assignment immediately opened up a whole can of whoop a** MomWorms in the MomPerch.  Let the games begin.

If Abby really felt that the rest of the girls were dragging Maddie down, then why doesn’t she just move the Golden Child on up to the Senior Group and be done with it?  And if Maddie is really the team leader, why pull her out of a number and set the rest of the dancers up for guaranteed failure?  And what’s the freakin’ difference between assisting and being an Assistant, anyway? And why is Asia having so much trouble keeping up with the tall kids?

And most importantly, why are some of Kristie with a K‘s earring so small this week?

Unacceptable.

Then it was time for this week’s classic Leave It To Christi Moment:

Yo.  Melissa.  Sup?  How’d your kid’s foot get better so fast?  It’s like freakin’ magic or something.  Thought she was busted up, yo.

Oh, snap.

She rested it.  You made it up.  She feels better.  You lie.  No I didn’t.  She’s just scared of competing with the big kids.  No, she’s not.  Yes, she is.  You lie.  Oh, yeah?  Well, I hate your hair that way.

Luckily, Abby received a call from one of Barbara Walters‘ bitches down at ABC before all the Moms could pig pile on top of Melissa for (…allegedly…) lying about her age, her taxes and her kid’s toe.

Abby, decked out in some seriously bedazzled red crystal jewelry, including what was either one of those Joan Rivers QVC Christmas Cardinal bird bracelets or a pair of Mob Wives lips cast straight from Big Ang‘s face, had been invited to cohost The View!

In New York City!

I know, right?  Where’s Star Jones when you need her?  Can you imagine that throw down?  Babs also wanted Abby to bring along the girls and present one of their award winning routines for everyone at home to see.

Somebody must have then realized that nobody had done much actual rehearsing, because all of the sudden everyone got back to their routines.

Can I just take a second to mention how much I used to love that sloppy, graffiti bench that Abby always sits on during rehearsals?  It’s total sixth grade drama club prop, and always looks like the paint is still wet.

This week I finally figured out that up on the left side somewhere it says “Text Me” with what must be an actual phone number, because sometimes the producers blur it like they do a crackhead’s eyes during a trailer park bust on COPS.

For three seasons I thought it said “Eat Me” and that they were pixelating out something really good.  But no such luck.  False alarm…turn the trucks around.  It’s just a phone number.  Not so fascinated anymore.

Anyway.

Abby decided that for The View, they would present “The Last Text.”  That’s the dance where Paige drives a car into a telephone pole because she’s not paying attention to the road, and little MackYak backflips through the window and bleeds out on the stage because she wasn’t wearing a seat belt while screwing off on a cell phone.

Except that this time it looked like it might be Asia who would be catapulting out the passenger side, because Mack was supposed to stay off that foot, despite her suddenly excellerated mutant healing factor.  Needless to say, the chance to dance in NYC opened up the MomWorms again and Melissa got (bleeped) out a few times.

No.  I don’t believe you.  And I will call the F***ing doctor myself.  Bitch.

Somewhere amidst all the accusations, Brooke met with a voice coach to talk about her singing career and get some pointers before they all went to NYC.  Well, actually Mom and the voice coach did all the talking.  Brooke just phutzed with her iPhone (…one of my biggest pet peeves EVER…) and didn’t even look at up the coach.  Maybe she was just rehearsing the group dance in her head.  Who knows with that kid.

And the coach’s name was Hilerie.  For realz.  Spelled like she was some kind of Toddlers & Tiaras wannabe, or something.

With one day to go before the competition, it was getting a little stressful up in the MomPerch.  And stress always makes for good TV.

According to outside sources, Maddie had allegedly let all that new assistant power go right to her head and taken both her newfound authority and her favorite Unicorn Trapper Keeper right up to Asia and told her that she would not be performing on The View next week.  At least that was the word on the street.

Melissa said it never happened, but now that you mention it…Asia is being a totally sissy pants bully to Mackenzie and got caught dropping a construction block from the roof of the ALDC right on to little Mack’s bumb leg.

And then JLo’s eyes got really, really crazy wide like they do right before her earrings start flapping.  Love.  Her.

JLo accused Melissa of being passive/aggressive.  Melissa got all passive/aggressive and denied it.  JLo called the whole sore toe thing a big charade.  Fingers and eyeballs and earrings were flying everywhere.

In other developments, Christi seemed pretty normal this week and Kelly finally realized that you could fill a water bottle with vodka and nobody would even know the difference.

The only thing that could possibly top all the smack talk this week was Abby’s already infamous Drag Queen Walk.

In an attempt to inspire Nia and Asia to Fierce Greatness, Abby showed the two little niblets how to drag walk in their routine.  No, really.  She did.  Like a Boss.

Picture Bette Midler and The Penguin from the second Batman movie having an illegitimate son who eventually grows up to perform with a Las Vegas touring company that only does cruise ships.  Over accessorized with duct tape on his nibblies, of course.

It was like that.  And it pretty much gave me life.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Chloe and Maddie both aced their solos.  Maddie looked like one of those plastic ballerina cake toppers you buy at iParty and Chloe’s legs actually grew another inch during the performance.  Slo-Mo the tape and I swear you’ll see it right before your very eyes, like a garden bean.

If you read the program, there were supposed to be approximately 14 numbers performed before the duet hit the stage, so naturally Nia and Asia were called up right after the solos.  Unstretched, unrehearsed and barely duct taped.

But they werked it out like two Real Housewives of Atlanta hairdressers in Reynolds Wrap Lost In Space uniforms, Miss Thang, and made Shangela proud.

Maddie gave a quick Super Bowl motivational speech to the team and then sent everyone out onto the field for the group dance, which they nailed.

As a result, the ALDC pretty much owned the awards ceremony.

Special shout out to the dude tossing tee shirts and who-knows-what into the audience like he worked at Fenway Park.  I’ll take a size medium shirt and a size large ball park frank over here, please.

After the competition, there was just enough time to run through next week’s NYC routine so Abby could finally decide which little kid would get to throw herself out the window and into the national spotlight.

And the winner is:

Psych.  You wish.

You’ll find out when Barbara Walters finds out.

To be continued…

 

 

Oh. Hell. No. That JLo knock-off did not just say she didn’t know my baby girl. Laquifa What?

 

 

 

 

The girl at the Pittsburgh Mall salon told me that this new hair color makes me look like Sue Ellen Ewing on Dallas. Holla.

 

 

 

I know you’re new here, JLo. But this is the international Dance Mom Sign for ‘Come At Me, Bitch.’

 

 

 

 

 

Beyoncé The Riveter sez ‘We Can Do It, America!’

 

 

 

 

Excuse me? You don’t know my baby girl? Do you not have basic cable in your ‘hood?

 

 

 

 

 

Srsly. What part of ‘If it ain’t Interesting or Intelligent Shaddup’ does this chick not understand? Lawd.

 

 

 

 

Oooh, girl. This bitch is ’bout to make me take my earrings off.

 

 

 

 

Raise the flag and lower your expectations, America.

Dance Moms salutes you.  Sorta.

This week it was nothing but Red, White & Blue (…and Black & Blue, if you count Mackenzie‘s busted up foot…) as Abby Lee Miller went all CNN on us.

It was a lesson in politics and humility.  How to vote, how to pick favorites, how to fight for your party views and how to not hold the flag with the blue part at the bottom.

And even more importantly, it was Kristie vs. almost all the other Moms, which was way more exciting than watching an afternoon of C-Span fiscal cliff debates if you ask me.

But even Congressional hearings have to wait until the Pyramid of Shame is completed, because ALDC rules apply to both sides of the aisle.

After losing out to the dreaded Candy Apples in last week’s competition, Abby was not feeling the passion and determination in her own team that is required to stay on top of the leader board.  And she aimed to fix that fast, before Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Evil Dance Lair swooped back in for another attack.

As all the little dancers and Moms filed in for the latest Lemme Guess…Asia? Pyramid, it was clear that Abby meant business this week.

Tiny newbie Asia Monet Ray boinked through the door all smiley and first in line, which made Abby mighty happy.  Jill on the other hand…not so much.

After months and months of showering Abby with a seemingly endless supply Kohl’s fragrance gift sets and lobby benches in an ongoing attempt at becoming Teacher’s Pet, Jill was not a big fan of Kristie’s ability to simply walk through the front door with nothing but big earrings and a booty pop and somehow zoom to the top of the food chain.

Little Mackenzie, the other half of the Tiny Titans Superhero Team, did not appear to be very happy either.  One…because Asia was already moving in on her Spunky Kid turf.  And two…because she was lugging around a giant plastic boot on one foot and wouldn’t be dancing again this week.

This time it was overuse that was used as the excuse.  Last week it was either an extra bone in her foot or she was cosmically regenerating another toe or something.  It’s never really clear wassup with MackYack.  Word on the street is that Melissa is actually just stepping on her kid’s toes every night before she goes to bed so she doesn’t have to compete against Asia and the tall kids.  Who knows.

But she’s a patootie, so I hope she feels better soon.

Bottom of the Pyramid was all about Mack, Brooke, Chloe and Kendall.

MackaWhackaHo was there because she had been using her mutant healing factor to create a completely new foot and hadn’t danced last week.  Chloe and Kendall were down in the basement because their Trio from last week didn’t win and Abby hates Christi.  And Brooke was also at the bottom because once again she was weighed down with all that dramatic teen age angst and spent all last week acting like she had just been locked out of her Instagram account.

Snap out of it, honey, or just go home and listen to some Taylor Swift.  Enough already.

The middle tier of the Pyramid was for Maddie, Nia and Paige.

Maddie was also in the Trio, but she’s Maddie, so she didn’t have to be down on the bottom.  Paige was finally moving up the Pyramid, thanks to Mom Kelly playing nice and not swearing like someone just cut her off in a Walmart parking lot every time she opens her mouth.  And Nia was there because she continues to fly under the radar, which is good if you’re a Stealth Bomber, but not so much when you dance at the ALDC, I guess.

And, no surprise, at the top was bottle rocket Asia.  Who got no applause, except for me clapping at home on my couch.  You go, girl.

Right on cue as soon as the big reveal was over, MackLoJack started to cry and claimed that she felt dizzy, so Abby sent her out back to raise up her Frankenstein foot and take a chill.  The whole scene immediately got all the other Moms once again wondering out loud if Melissa was behind all the drama, and that she was somehow protecting her baby girl from healthy competition.

Who knows.

Maddie, Chloe and Asia all scored solos.  Stay tuned.

The group number this week was a political routine entitled ‘Free The People’ which they would perform at the PowerHouse Dance Competition in Philadelphia, PA.

Great.  PowerHouse.  Another chance to see those irritatingly off-tempo flashing light grid towers.  I could hardly wait.

With MackAttack now scratched from the roster, Abby was not sure what to do with bite-sized Asia.  We all know from years of watching congested Vivi-Anne dance for the Candy Apples, that one tiny dancer wandering around the stage while the Big Girls are trying to do their jobs is a bit of a distraction.  And this routine didn’t really lend itself to simply picking her up and tossing her around Ohio-style.

So Abby decided that she would just let Asia run in circles, holding a flag over her head like she had just won the 200-meter while the rest of the girls chased after her.  Asia would then drape the flag over Paige who would grab it, flip it and wave it to a screaming audience that was presumably going to be bursting at the seams with American pride by the time the number was over.

It looked good on paper, anyway.

As Asia practiced her human flag pole sprint, all the Moms gathered in the MomPerch to throw down.

Melissa got the party started by announcing that she was definitely putting Maddie and Mackenzie into Home Schooling soon, because then they could dance more and sleep an extra hour every morning.  Less school.  More dance.  More sleep.  Sign me up.

If that discussion had taken place in an airplane, right about now would be when Holly would have choked on a peanut and reached overhead for her oxygen mask.  Nothing like telling a former public school principal what you really think about the public school system, right?  Holly’s facial expressions pretty much give me life each week.

Then Kelly noted that maybe having Asia run around in circles wasn’t fully utilizing her dancing skills.  And that was when Kristie with a K (…JLo from now on, remember?…) made it clear that everyone knows her daughter already and is well aware of what a faboo dancer she really is, so the flag thing was no big dealio.

I hope the bonus features on the Season 3 DVD include about 4 hours of Holly vs. JLo.

Holly was all like ‘I didn’t know who your kid was’ and JLo was all like ‘I didn’t know who your kid was’ and Holly was all like ‘Don’t be talking if you don’t have anything interesting or intelligent to say’ and JLo was all like ‘Girl, pleez, everything I say is interesting and intelligent’ and then my head exploded.

I love me some Holly and JLo.  Love.

And maybe I just watch too much Reality TV (…as if that’s even possible…) because even though I do respect Holly’s representation of a strong, intelligent, well educated woman of color and have fully supported her attempts at preventing Abby from stereotyping her daughter with big afros and platform shoes, part of me just wants Holly to put that doctorate in a safety deposit box, pop off her acrylics and get this thing done.

Just once.  Maybe twice.

Because I know that Doctor Holly could pop off like a Boss.

And we already know my obsession with JLo from her stint on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.  Hit Me!  Hit Me!  I Dare You!

A boy can dream, right?

As rehearsals progressed over the next few days, the Moms tried to figure out how to create patriotic costumes without cutting up the American Flag and getting hate mail from the Daughters of the American Revolution, while 2 foot tall Asia dragged all of Betsy Ross’s hard work across the Studio A floor.

At some point in all the hilarity, Abby yelled at Kendall again.  Who cried again.  Which got Jill all worked up again.  It’s a regular thing…so if you missed it, you can see it happen again next week.  No worries.

Finally, it was Showtime!

This time around the competition appeared to have been held in a mausoleum or on The Phantom of the Opera set, because everything was very dungeon-y with secret passageways and bricks and creepy arches.

And off-tempo light grids, off course.

Someone also forgot to lower the automatic garage door/backdrop contraption, because the thing was about 20 feet in the air instead of being flush with the floor this time around.  You either had to watch the kids or look up into the rafters to remind yourself which competition you were attending.

Backstage, Jill snitched on a 7 year old and announced that Asia had cried in the dressing room.  Unfortunately, I was so excited to see the return of the Jill Bump-It that I didn’t stop to fully realize the inappropriateness of that comment until it was too late.

And by then Abby had started an impromptu patriotic runway fashion show to reveal all the Red, White & Blue couture, and I got all off track.

Legal Disclaimer:  No American flags were harmed during the filming of this episode.

The group number hit the stage and that’s when it all started to unravel.  Asia was so dizzy from doing laps around the stage that she somehow ended up putting the flag on Paige’s back all googly oogly, so when Paige did the whole grab it, flip it, wave it thing the stars ended up being at the bottom instead of the top.

And nothing says God Bless America like an upside down flag.

After the routine, Abby brought out what I originally believed was her personal construction worker lunchbox, until she explained that it was for the ballots.  Because everyone was going to vote on who did the best solo….Maddie or Chloe.

The Politics of Dancing.  Asia apparently had not gotten enough parking lot signatures to be added to any last minute write-in ballots.  Maybe next time.

But it didn’t phase her one bit as Asia hit the stage and busted out her take on Rosie the Riveter, complete with head snaps, booty pops and a few bicep flexing moments that looked more like Italian Mob Wives hand swearing than the arms of someone making World War II ammunition.  Waddamatta Goombata?

Momma JLo was diggin’ it.  And so was that creepy judge in the flannel shirt who kept chewing on his pen like a guy who can’t move into your neighborhood without letting everyone on the block know his criminal background.  What was that all about, anyway?

Maddie and Chloe were up next with their solos.  Both were good, but that judge kept creeping me out, so I didn’t pay as much attention as I should have during their routines.

During the awards, that emcee with the doo rag under his zoot suit hat was back, and that’s really all that mattered.  Who does that?

Backstage, everyone voted and Maddie won by a landslide, which made Chloe really sad.  Which made me sad.  She’s such a little nugget.

Then what was supposed to be a lesson in the American democratic process suddenly turned into an argument on political favoritism, and the last thing I remember was Christi filibusting for her cause.

She was still going on…and on…when the credits started to roll, so you knew it was gonna be a long night on Capitol Hill.  Somebody better send out for some pizza.

Your vote counts, America.

God Bless the ALDC.

 

 

Mackenzie. Can you handle it? I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly, Boo.

 

 

 

 

 

First my foot. And now this. Boned twice in one week.

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously, JLo. Did you just tell me to Suck It in Korean?

 

 

 

 

 

 

그것을 빨아 줘, Bitch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh My God. Can I tell you how much I love this chick? She’s crazier than my hair.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes I am literally so overcome by my own good looks that I either burst into song or just smile really big.

 

 

 

 

Not gonna lie. I wouldn’t mind stuffing some of that and mounting it in my living room.

 

 

 

Ok.  This is the deal.

We need to skip all the fancy introductions and smooth segues into this week’s episode of Dance Moms and just get down to bidnezz, because there was so much tasty goodness going on that we can’t afford to waste any time.  We’ll get back to the drawn out skimmable stuff next time.  Grab some snacks.  It’s a long one.

Ladies & Gentlemen…Asia Monet Ray is back in the hizzle.

Boom.  Boom.  And Pow.

The pint sized spitfire with the uncanny ability to booty pop sight right back into the eyeballs of a blind man made her triumphant return to AbbyLand this week.

You remember Asia.  She was the breakout star of Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, who shimmied her stuff in and out of lion cages and Wicked Witch trash bag couture so hard that I swore judge Richy Jackson was going to grow another index finger just so he could toss up a fierce three finger wave.

Shout out to Lady Gaga.  Werk.

But even the highly anticipated arrival of a four foot stick of dy-no-mite in a hair bow had to wait until the Maddie Memorial Pyramid of Shame was revealed.  Rules are still rules, people.

After hosing down all the competition with last week’s Fosse meets Flashdance routine, the ALDC was feeling pretty good as the girls all marched in to report for dance duty.

To shake things up a little, and at the same time prevent anyone from doing some quick math and realizing that there were more photos than girls adhered to the mirror, Abby Lee Miller started the whole process from the top down.

Because she’s crazy like that.

Numero uno spot was once again all about Maddie.  Feel free to feign some semblance of surprise and then enjoy a moment of light applause amongst yourselves.

Middle row was held down by Paige, Kendall and Chloe.

Paige did fine in the most recent competition, but her Mom Kelly still is not on Abby’s holiday card checklist, so second row is about all the poor thing should expect for a few more weeks.  Kendall was in the middle because she came in Third Place, which was pretty respectable.  But Third Place isn’t Second Place.  And that would have been better.  Chloe was in the middle for some reason, but I forget what it was.  Kelly was still talking about Paige and it got me distracted.

Finally, the bottom row was reserved for Nia, Mackenzie, Brooke and the mystery photo.  Nia had done a great job but flown under Abby’s radar, while Mackadoodle shouldn’t have participated in the group number at all due the fact that she was still fairly height challenged when compared to the other girls.  And Brooke had been dismissed for a spelling test or prom or something, so she barely skewed the final scores since she never even joined them on the bus.

That left one photo still shrouded in secrecy.  Who could it be?  Was Sophia Lucia back from her World Domination Tour already?  Drumroll, please.

Unfortunately, the Lifetime promo department had been working overtime the last days and done everything in their power short of letting the sassy kid ring the opening bell on Wall Street, so it was a little anti-climactic.

Most of America already knew Asia “Oh Hey” Monet Ray was joining the team this week and that there was also going to be a new episode of Jennifer Love Hewitt‘s dirty little show.  DVRs had been set three days ago.

So.  Rip.  Taa-Daa.  Asia.

The kids all went OMG hyper spaz, except for Mackawhacka, who appeared to swallow her gum when she realized that this could potentially end her dance career faster than that extra bone, or toe, or whatever it is that has been going on with her foot this month.

Mom Melissa grabbed her ever-handy iPhone, crunched some numbers and also came to the realization that Asia’s imminent arrival may have just put the ALDC over its allowed quota for cute, spunky dancers.  Game On.

This week the gang was headed to another Energy Dance Competition in Highland, Michigan.  And so were those Candy Apple people.

That meant not only would Abby & Co. have to deal with the most inexpensive, poorly projected image backdrop in all of competitive dance, but also come face to face once again with Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her newly formed Boy Band.

Losing was not going to be an option, girls.

The group routine was all about Reincarnation, and was for Big Girls only.  So no MackSmack.  And no Asia.  Sorry.  You need to be this tall to ride the ride.

Kendall, Maddie and Chloe scored a Trio.  Which is harder than a duet I hear.  And bottle rocket Asia, who had yet to even show up, was given a solo, which was good for a few Christi faces before the first commercial break.

As everyone waited for the Asia Bus to pull up to the bumper, we all scooted over to Ohio for some jazz hands and jerky at Canton’s very own flagship Apple Store.

According to Cathy’s oversized digital photo flip frame, her Pyramid consisted of Brandon, Gino and The Return of The Zackster, as well as top seeded Nick and his freakishly Stretch Armstrong hip flexors.

While Asia had been the breakout star of AUDC’s first season, Zack had clearly been the heartbreaker.  You do remember the mass hysteria when he was cut from the competition, right?  Holy Beatles first US appearance, Batman.  We need a medic in the lobby, stat.

If you’re still filling out your Dance Madness brackets, the tiny kid who always spun on his head was noticeably MIA this week.  No explanation.  And no high fives and chest bumps since Dad was also not in the building.  Maybe next time.

To guarantee a win at Energy, Cathy excitedly revealed her Secret Weapon.  You think T & A can sell it on stage?  Try T & T.

Tanning  & Teeth.  Guest Choreographer John Culbertson.

Looking like the guy in those backlit mall kiosk ads for one hour veneers, John popped up behind the Apple TV waving and smiling as though Cathy was pulling him in on a Grand Marshall parade float.  Dude was happy to be there.

Pop-an-artery-in-your-forehead kind of Happy.  And very tan.  Very happy and very tan.

Turns out that he likes to be called Mr. Dance of America, which I kinda felt was my thing when the DJ puts some records on and I dance with my baby.  But whatev.

He is also a close friend of Abby’s, so it was pretty clear that a few more people were going to risk stroking out before this competition was over.  And according to the photos on his Facebook page, Johnny also doesn’t like wearing shirts very much.  So tear it off like they do on the Chelsea Piers and let the games begin, I guess.

Back in PA, Asia finally arrived.

Boom.  Boom.  Pow.  Finally.  Thanks to AUDC, it has already been well documented that the best thing about Asia, besides her mini Destiny’s Child butt and that head bob thing she always does whenever she opens her mouth…is her Mom Kristie.

Love.  Her.  That’s Kristie with a K.  And Christi with a C was not likin’ it.  Not one bit.

Asia’s Mom, best known for not owning one single top in her closet with sleeves and always wearing ginormous Jennifer Lopez earrings, is also pretty famous for throwing down with that looney Mom Yvette back on AUDC (…”What?  You want some of this?  Hit me.  Hit me.  Go ahead.  Come at me”…)

Yeah.  Instead of the front door, Bitch could totally have entered the ALDC building through a cloud of Vegas stage fog.  Because she’s that bad a**.

I’ve already added her to the limited list of fierce Pageant Coaches and crazy Toddler Moms who I need to go clubbing with at some point before I die.

Kristie’s also pretty well known for never leaving the house without clutching a water bottle or Starbucks grandé sumthin sumthin.  She does like to stay hydrated.

Melissa started sweating it out, Kelly became immediately mesmerized by Kristie’s awesome sauce and The One that’s spelled with a C just made some more faces.

(Note:  Moving forward, to avoid any potential Kristie/Christie confusion, Christi with a C will be referred to as Christi.  Just like before.  The bad a** one will just be JLo, because deep down part of me still believes that’s who she really is and that starring in Dance Moms is the real reason she gave up American Idol.)

Up in the MomPerch, JLo threw herself to the wolves and let them have at her.  Melissa continued to pretend that she was not the least bit threatened by Asia, Kelly kept getting the giggles and Christi felt that Asia looked kinda naughty.  Jill couldn’t understand why the Team needed another dancer, Doctor Holly pretty much just phoned this episode in and JLo kept hydrated throughout the inquisition.

She and Asia had just returned from Korea, where they filmed television shows and did whatever it is that tiny little dancers do in Korea.  Asia had been so booked out (…dance term.  Google it, and don’t be jealz…) that she could not even compete in the past season.

That went over really well with the rest of the Moms.

At some point in the midst of all the hilarity, Abby had decided that she was probably going to have her dead dog Broadway Baby stuffed and then either placed on the mantle or mounted to the hood of her SUV because she was having a really hard time dealing with the passing of her puppy.  As the Moms were putting JLo through some freshman hazing on the bus, Abby visited a taxidermy joint to look at zebra heads and realistically posed action figure monkeys to see what they could do with her baby leftovers.

I feel for Abby, because I know how sad it is to lose a pet.  But as much as I loved my childhood dog, I was not in the mood to dust him every week and chase a marble eyeball under the couch every time it popped out.  That just creeps me out.

Save it for the Addams Family.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Abby arrived a little later than usual, due to her taxidermic side trip.  We’ll have to wait and see how that all worked out, even though for a brief second or two I did think that she had somehow magically resurrected Baby and brought him back to Earth in human form until I realized that it was just Asia running around in a puppy costume.  Then I also remembered that Baby had a bad hip and was always being pushed around in that Cabbage Patch stroller, so there is no way that it could have been him backin’ all dat up on stage.

As the competition began, the ALDC did their hallway gladiator stroll to the stage as Malibu John stretched out Nick in probably the most inappropriately awkward manner I’ve seen since I don’t know when.  I know you can’t go in front of an audience and do that one leg up in the ayah ayah thing without warming up, and I am beyond jealous at how easily Nick can whip that thing out and up (…c’mon…his freakin’ leg touches the back of his freakin’ head…) but the whole process almost made Chris Hansen jump out of a locker with some lemonade.

Asia’s solo was Absolut Asia.  Even John smiled.  But he always smiles, so I’m never really sure if he’s in the moment or thinking about his next topless Facebook photo shoot.  But dude can dance like a Boss, so he gets my vote, regardless.

Since we’re cutting out the fluff this week, this is how it all went down.

Even with some sickle feet, Asia pulled out a Best In Show for tail wagging and not peeing on the stage.  Everything else was all Candy Apples.

Gino’s Dancing With The Stars tango duet took First Place, as did the Depression Era “Will Dance For Food” Boy Band routine, which scored a perfect 300.

John almost smiled the teeth right out of his head while Abby percolated to a dangerously high boil in the seat behind him.  Even the ALDC Moms knew they didn’t stand a chance this week as they watched the Apple Cores unleash their boyish charm under that nasty Energy logo.

(Seriously.  Is that supposed to be a dancer’s silhouette on the wall or the outline of a soon to be discovered 52nd state?  Get it together.  I’ve seen how much you charge for entry fees.)

Backstage, Cathy and her posse knocked down the ALDC door and got right up in Abby’s grill as soon as they put all their trophies in the van.

Melissa kept texting (…who is she always talking to?…) as JLo sat back  and let the lights ricochet off her body buttered shoulders.  Seeing the Abby & Cathy Show up close and personal has got to be way more horrifying and entertaining than it is from my couch, so you could tell she was getting a little WTF on her first dance camp sleepover.

After a few pokes from Cathy, Abby snapped and started screaming that the bitch had gone too far this time and, by the way, the bruise from that purse swing had still not healed.  When Abby goes completely postal, all the years of yelling at small children finally catch up with her and her voice cracks in and out like when you try to pick up faraway shortwave radio stations late at night.  So I only got about every other word.

But I could tell she was not happy.

This ain’t over.  It’s War.

And it looks like it might be time to reload and launch some more Asia Bombs.

Boom.