Dance Moms: What We Need Is A Girl Party. And Stronger Butt Glue. Can’t We All Just Get Along For Once?Wednesday, February 19th, 2014
Woman…Imma seriously ’bout to pop off if you don’t stop touching my weave right now.
It’s sad those two girls aren’t getting along. Plus it totally f***s me over for the Wednesday carpool.
They showed her pulling my hair on TMZ and now everyone thinks I’m Lindsay Lohan.
Sup? Just chillin’ in the stockroom with my homie M. Diddy, laying down some dope a** tracks.
I’m trying to take a freakin’ selfie. Don’t you all be standing behind me rolling your eyes. I see you.
Acting like that around the girls isn’t healthy for anyone. Especially after I slap her.
I really can’t right now. My scarf’s all messed up and I’ve got butt glue in my damn eye again.
Well, it’s been 7 days.
The drama may not have subsided any, but at least the swelling has gone down.
After being finger poked, slapped and dragged around the makeup room during last week’s Pay-Per-View MamaMania Rumble, Abby Lee Miller seemed to have recovered quite nicely and was already back to her old ways.
Dance Moms was back in business.
And now it was up to the remaining members of the ALDC Team to deal with the fall out.
Kelly was gone. Brooke was gone. Paige was gone.
All because Mom had proven that Krazy ain’t just a hairstyle when she attacked Abby backstage after last week’s competition. Or allegedly, anyway.
You’ve seen it on TMZ. You’ve seen it on this site. You’ve even seen it on the special extended Choreographer’s Gonna Cut You episode.
Self defense? Assault? Hormones? Who knows.
But the Hylands were gone. At least for now. Which left a couple of warm seats for new recruit Kalani to fill if Mom Kira had any say in the matter. Game On.
This week started out calmly enough at the front desk with Abby explaining to front desk girl Rachel that Kelly was no longer allowed anywhere near the front desk. The kids were off the Team and a formal letter needed to be sent out asap on official ALDC front desk letterhead to make sure that Kelly kept her distance. Abby was very clear on her expectations and what needed to be done to keep Kelly on the other side of Pittsburgh.
What she didn’t explain very well was why everyone at the ALDC seemed to be wearing their hair up in those Asia Monet Ray buns lately and why there was a random Boy Band dude sitting behind them holding a closed laptop. That’s not very productive.
I’m sure he was some kind of young BoyToy assistant to Abby (…Mama does like her snacks to come with an extended expiration date…) but this guy’s hair was just way too perfect and that always makes me suspicious. Plus he kept leaning in like one of the girls trying to get in on the gossip.
Dude. Go plug in your Macbook Air. That restraining order isn’t gonna type itself.
Once Abby got her front desk ManCandy under control, it was time for this week’s Pyramid of Shame. And Jill‘s newly tinted hair, which appeared to be a shade or two redder than normal, unless my TV was acting up again.
Bottom row this week had two especially humiliating spots reserved just for Brooke and Paige.
Wait. What? They don’t even work there anymore.
Go figure. If you don’t even have to be on the payroll to get your headshot up on the mirror, I’m totally FedExing an 8×10 over to Abby this afternoon. Look for me on the top next week. I’ll be the one with the snappy bow tie.
Nia and Chloe were also on the bottom. I guess Nia goofed up something in the group routine last week that I hadn’t even noticed while Chloe’s Mom drives Abby crazy enough to get her stuck in the basement again.
Spoiler Alert: Christi is the new Kelly.
The mezzanine was held down by Kendall and the Zeiglers. Kendall did an odd little finger tip baby clap that I found amusing while Mackenzie and Maddie just kind of stood there all confused why one of them wasn’t on top.
That meant that the peak of the Pyramid was reserved for newbie Kalani, which kind of made Maddie’s mouth hang open and Mom Melissa‘s left eye twitch a little.
This week the gang was headed to Woodbridge, VA for their first ever FIERCE National Dance Competition. You Bettah Werk.
Spoiler Alert#2: False Advertising. No Drag Queens.
As a reward for stepping up and going into full blown Crisis Mode during last week’s fisticuffs, Abby gave Holly and Nia a solo. Well, Nia. You know what I meant.
For those of you with short term memory issues, there was a quick flashback to Flight Attendant Holly getting all large and in charge as Kelly threw a beat down on Abby’s head.
“Girls! Out of the room! Girls! Out of the room! Girls! Out of the room!”
I swear they enhanced the audio this time around, though, because now Holly was screaming louder than last week and her voice was cracking and she was freaking out like aliens had just landed in the back yard and set the barn on fire.
“Girls! Save the horses! Girls! Save the horses! Girls! Save the horses!”
It was madness, I tell you. She got me so wound up that I heaved a trash can through the window at Best Buy and stole a new air conditioner. I didn’t know what else to do I was so scared.
Crime is never the answer, kids. Remember that.
But it’s all good. She calmed herself down and now Dr. Beyoncé was all Boots & Buns this week, which should totally be a Miranda Lambert song if it’s not already.
Chloe and Maddie scored a duet, which meant that they would be forced to perform together even though they were technically and temporarily no longer friends, thanks to that whole Lying About The Duet thing that went down last week.
Kendall and Kalani were also handed a duet, which opened up a whole other can of Dancing Up/Dancing Down worms. Oy vey.
As the girls all started rehearsing their Yum Yum Musical Theater group number, the Moms hit the MomPerch to grill Kira a little more and give Christi another opportunity to snark on Melissa’s (…alleged…) extra marital affairs. Oh, snap. She went there again.
Christi refused to smile or discuss Kelly’s situation no matter how many times the Moms asked for deets. She was more than happy to yell and argue, but clammed up every time someone asked about Kelly.
Somehow in the midst of all the fighting and accusations of lying about duets and cheating on taxes, Melissa switched gears and invited everyone over to her home for wine and cheese. Because snacks always make everything all better.
Christi politely declined,which meant more booze for everyone else. Girl Party!
Two quick notes on the get together and then we’ll move on.
One. Are these Moms contractually required to shop at HomeGoods? I’m being serious.
Remember Kelly’s basement family room? And now Melissa’s living room. I swear I saw a cash register in the background.
Two. Holly was drinking diet Coke. Which left three other Moms with three ginormous bottles of wine on the table. And it was like 11 o’clock in the morning. You do the math.
Back at the ALDC, Mackenzie and delightfully whacky Voice Coach Cathie were crammed into some supply closet or stockroom or something working at one of those folding electric organs that you always pull out during family reunions. Turns out that the artist formally known as little Kenzie was now called L’il K and would soon be heading to Los Angeles to record a few rap songs.
You can’t make this stuff up.
All I know is that Snoop Puppy suddenly had an album release party scheduled and that Abby knew all the words to her Girl Party song as she and Cathie shoulder rolled their way through squeaky beatz that sounded like they should be coming out of a sock puppet on a PBS show. Cathie even said “Groove,” which totally gave me life.
Cathie’s keyboard and scoop neck top both came from QVC. You can quote me on that.
As rehearsals progressed, Christi continued to distance herself from the rest of the Moms, which made Holly want to pull out her own new hair. But Girlfriend ain’t messing with that investment. Remember her old lady plastic bonnet the day it was drizzling outside?
More importantly: Can the kids hear the Moms argue while they are down in the studio? I still don’t really understand how that works, because sometimes it seems like the Moms hear what Abby is saying and sometimes it appears that the girls can hear the Moms losing their nutty. But how could they find the 8 count in the music if Christi is always squawking over the boom box? Somebody needs to explain this one to me, because it drives me crazy.
With one day to go before competition, Abby finally decided to teach Nia her solo. I don’t know why she constantly bones our girl every week.
I also don’t know why she continues to hand Nia these borderline ethnic routines. I thought we were done with all that? Not that she can’t rock it out. It is the International Year of the Nia, after all.
But again with this head wrapped Going Down In The River dance?
Not River Dance. River dance. There’s a difference. LaQuifa Whaaat?
But we got a couple of really good SuperMom pep talks and that always gives me warm fuzzies. Holly always has it under control, whether her hair is up or down.
Finally, it was Showtime! FIERCE Showtime.
They capitalize it. So you know they mean business.
They can’t update their Facebook cover photo in a timely manner. And the link to ‘2014 Competitions’ doesn’t work on their website. But at least the Cap Key is functioning.
Yes. I check those kind of things. I’m a journalist, thank you.
Backstage, the Moms were in their usual pre-game tailspin. Except for Christi, who sat all by herself like some New Girl in the cafeteria hating Life on her first day of school.
Bonus points were given for Holly’s Side Eye while Christi ignored everyone’s cries for help. Sitting there on your a** trying to get to the next level of Candy Crush? Not cool.
As Melissa and Holly struggled to securely attach Nia’s head wrap, you just knew this wasn’t going to end well. Headgear and the ALDC go together about as well as me and Quantum Physics.
Right as the girls headed to the stage, Christi decided to perk up and started picking at Nia’s head wrap. Something about tucking a piece of the fabric underneath so you couldn’t see the raw edge that was cut, even though it was butt glued to her face.
Yeah. Butt glue. On her face. Instead of her butt.
Been there. Done that. No fun.
Kendall and Kalanie’s duet went great even though more lights were facing the audience than the dancers on stage. Anyone else notice that? You had to literally squint to watch the show. It was like watching TV in a tanning bed.
And no backdrop at all this time. No tacky light projection or nothing. Just black curtains. It was fierce…but in all lower case letters.
Chloe and Maddie managed to make it through their duet without punching each other in the throat. OMG it makes me so sad to see BFFs not LOLing. Totes sad.
Then Nia hit the stage and wrecked it. She did amazing, even though she had a butt glue malfunction and her head wrap slipped backwards. It didn’t fall off and she still managed to get Down In The River, but she got really upset and cried. Which not only made me sad, but made her butt glue get all gummy again.
Drinking Game: Take a shot every time I say Butt Glue this week. It’s awesome.
Needless to say, Abby flipped a switch on Christi backstage. If she ever puts her hand on another kid again…to the Moon, Alice. Was it sabotage? Hmmm…
Everything spun out of control for a second or two while Christi got dramatic and Holly stood up for Nia. Abby then changed gears and talked to L’il Mackelmore about her upcoming recording sessions and how she should emulate role models who climb in and out of low rider automobiles with no underwear on in front of the paparazzi.
Britney and Christina. I don’t think the underwear part was really the point of the conversation, but that was my take away.
Then the group hit the stage. Nia got her Butt Glue-free face back and was a hoot on stage. Boom. Boom. And Pow.
Before the Awards Ceremony, Jill & Co. burned off the last of those three bottles of wine with some serous MomDancing before sitting back down to try and figure out the FIERCE point scoring system.
I guess they do things differently in Woodbridge, because whether you solo, duet or run with scissors everyone gets lumped into the same age category.
Since I don’t even understand the old system, don’t expect me to explain how this one works. Even Melissa was all WTF and she has that whole horse racing book that she brings to every competition.
All that really matters is the ALDC somehow took the top two spots. Maddie and Chloe tied for Second and the group pulled in First Place.
Abby was happy and told Kira that maybe…just maybe…Kalani could stick around for a few more weeks.
Unfortunately, since the ALDC girls Instagram every time they go to the mall for Frogurt, all of America already knows that Kalani is sticking around. So that conversation was a little anti-climactic. But we get the point.
Oh. And P.S.
Kelly was arrested. And she’s back next week.
I know, right?