Dance Moms: A Toast To The ALDC! Drink All That Kool-Aid And Fix Those Feet…It’s The Abby Lee Horror Story.Wednesday, March 9th, 2016
I know, right? It’s 3 o’clock and they’re still not dressed yet. Being a grownup looks awesome.
It didn’t get creepy until I caught her in my room, braiding her hair and wearing all my new clothes.
As long as you’re living in my house and under my roof, these are my rules…and my pajamas.
Hold up, ladies. I thought we were going out drinking. Why is everyone still in their PJs?
This is way better than wearing a bra. Raise your hand if you think every day should be PJ Day!
I can’t believe that not one of these heifers could tell me I left the house with curlers in my hair.
I don’t know what’s in these chips, but they’re making me thirsty. I could sure use some Kool-Aid.
Well, here you go.
I made you a special Dance Moms cocktail.
Oh, yeah. That’s the good stuff.
Hold on to your glass, tho, cuz you’re definitely gonna need a few more rounds before we finish up with this recap. If it ever gets started, that is.
Yup. It was sloooow going when we first hit the ALDC LA this week. Really slow.
As in: The place was deserted.
No Moms. No Abby. No nuthin.
Just the ALDC kids, who were not allowed to be on camera without their Moms but were somehow, under California law, still old enough to drive themselves to an abandoned dance studio where they were quickly scooted into a secret room to do their homework.
How does that even work?
There was also my favorite sub-titled producer running around off-camera looking for their Moms as well a Sound Engineer who talked exactly like Crocodile Dundee and this guy in Converse All-Stars who asked that his face be blurred out for some legal reason.
Oh. And this guy on his phone. And that other guy in winter clothes.
Except for that one random guy walking around in a winter coat, scarf and beanie, carrying a role of blue duct tape like he was gonna secure someone’s mouth shut and then throw them in the trunk of that white car that had been idling outside the front door since the show started. What is even happening right now?
No wonder the guy with the glasses was calling the cops.
Kidding. I don’t really know if it was 95 degrees that day.
So no Moms. Just kids. And Ashlee, who arrived with Brynn (…on time, thank you…) and immediately (…allegedly…) began plotting how to use the lack of adult supervision to her benefit. Hmmmm. Lemme think now…
Eventually, Abby emerged from that whacky back room storage room dorm room thingamajig and asked what wassup.
Abby: What’s happening?
Ashlee: I just don’t have no clue.
That kid is a hoot.
Since now there wasn’t not nobody else in the building…
…Abby had no choice but to start the party with the few and the proud.
Beginning with the solo assignments.
This week, the gang (…hopefully…) would be headed to New York Dance Experience in San Jose, where all the dances were going to be dark and ominous, including 3 solos based on famous deaths. Like Brynn’s Black Dahlia routine, for example, which kinda sorta freaked her out once Gianna arrived and pulled up some bloody photos from her Instagram feed.
Time to dial down the Cute? As if.
As Gia and Brynn got down to rehearsing, the other Moms finally showed up.
In. Their. Pajamas.
You heard me. Pajamas.
And they made this big grand entrance from the parking lot trying to be all like…
Gah. I love this show.
The Goal: To show how the Moms were sick and tired of Abby arriving late, eating and slobbing her way around the studio with no apparent sense of urgency or desire or ambition. Four can play this game, thank you.
The Result: A prank that may have backfired. Mom Strike 2.0, as it were.
The whole thing escalated quickly, with my MomCrush Jill, who had all this going on for some reason…
She knew they woulda shoulda coulda danced, so she shoulda coulda woulda blah blah blah. Swear. Swear. Bitch. Pillow Fight.
Worst. Sleepover. Ever.
Honestly, it might be time to revisit the name tags suggestion again, because I don’t even know who is in charge of whose kid anymore. Especially if they’re gonna start bringing back all those Minis they showed in the new preview.
But Ashlee hadn’t been told about the prank in advance, so she didn’t realize that she was the designated babysitter. So she didn’t do anything. At all. Which escalated the whole thing to a whole other level.
Side note: Holly made this #HollyFace a lot this week. A lot.
And Melissa, too. Look at her trying to pass off that DKNY blouse as pajamas.
Before the sun set, they figured they should probably get to the Pyramid of Shame.
But at warp speed, because this whole pajama party thing had really cut into their productivity today.
Bottom Row: Kalani, Kendall, Nia and Mackenzie. Done.
Middle Row: JoJo and Brynn, which left Maddie on the top. And she was totally ok with that. Did you hear her? Hilarious.
The second solo of the week would be Maddie’s ‘Lizzie Borden’ chopfest, which got her all excited for some reason. And the third dance went to Kendall, who would (…allegedly or not…) get thrown overboard as ‘Natalie Wood.’
Side note: Did I miss the Hair Braid Memo this week?
Because Brynn had scored a few extra hours of private choreography, Jill was already on edge and immediately assumed that her daughter would get sub-par choreography, costuming, music, lighting, makeup, attention, salary and dental benefits simply because she carried Vertes DNA in her system.
Needless to say, Abby accused her of playing the Victim. Just like…umm, I dunno…maybe a tall blonde she used to know but wouldn’t refer to by name.
We love that tall lady. And miss her so much.
Come visit, why don’t you? There’s always plenty of parking in the front of the building.
And bring your friend there. I bet she’d love me and my Dance Moms cocktails.
This week’s group routine would be equally as dark and ominous as the solos and was going to require the girls perform a cult-themed dance.
Let’s Be Real Dept.: I don’t think this thing is gonna be much of a stretch for anybody.
You know it. They know it. And they even said it out loud.
Putting the Cult in ALD…C.
The next day, everyone managed to get themselves dressed like big girls and headed back to the studio for some more bickering. Holly still had the same #HollyFace, but in nicer clothes.
Mama didn’t fall for that pajama thing yesterday and she wasn’t falling for it today.
Jill and Ashlee went another 17 rounds, but all that really mattered was that Jill took out those freakin’ Pippi Longstocking braids and the she promises to never do that again.
Ever. And I mean it.
Truth: That’s not the finger she wants to give me right now, BTW.
Finally, it was Showtime!
And time to climb down into the bowels of whatever building was hosting this shindig, because somebody forgot to get proper permits for the elevators and it was staircase-only today, people. Watch your step, please.
Full disclosure: There were no sharks in the stairway, but watching the Moms lug all their dance shizzz down 27 flights in heels was almost as treacherous and funny.
Needless to say, Abby Lee Miller doesn’t do stairs, so she sat in the lobby playing Candy Crush for most of the remainder of the episode. F’real.
Which meant that all those poor Moms had to schlep everything down the stairs and then send their kids back up and down again about 100 times to double check their makeup and moves with Abby throughout the competition.
Like Brynn’s makeup, for instance. Holy Whoa, Batman.
The girls were ready to go.
But can we talk about all this goodness for a minute?
I know you remember Rachelle from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.
She was the judge on AUDC who wouldn’t sit still in her chair and kept jumping up on the table, telling all these 9 year old girls to bite the apple and never go on a Six Flags waterslide without pretending you’re the lead in Flashdance.
We LOVE Rachelle.
And remember how Richy Jackson used to always be like ‘Gurl Pleez, Sit Yo’ A** Down.’
Brynn’s solo was great. The judges just told her to work on her acting.
I swear Kendall wore the same leotard that Maddie wore last week, but I could be wrong.
Regardless, she did great, but got called out for her acting chops again. Tell the story!
And Maddie got a hug from Rachelle. So there was that.
Backstage before the group routine, it became clear that Mackenzie didn’t know what a Cult was, even though she’s technically been in one since the day she was born.
I guess that’s how they get ya. Straight outta the womb and into the studio.
And in all honesty, she just wanted something to wash down all those chips. I love how she is growing up into this pretty young lady but still maintaining that blissful innocence.
You keep that, Boo. You just keep that.
The group routine was off the chain. The makeup was on point (…especially Nia Sioux for some reason…) and they nailed the choreography, which is probably why that one judge was all like ‘Whhhhaaaa was that?’ before giving them First Place in the group category.
No lie. Her little Asia Monet Ray bun almost popped right off her damn head.
Brynn and Kendall ended up both taking Second Place in their respective age categories, even though Ashlee was quick to point out that the actual numerical sumthin sumthin whatevah was higher on Brynn’s card.
Gah. Relax, lady. Just let them enjoy the moment.
And of course, Maddie took First Place. Because she’s Maddie. And she’s back.
And then it was pretty much over for the week, except for a sudden rip in the Time Space Continuum that shot everyone into some odd Alternate Reality where all the Moms got along and liked each other and Ashlee burst into the lobby with Kool-Aid for everyone.
Because that’s not creepy at all.
And then it was really over, I swear.
A toast to the ALDC!
Drink it up, kids. Drink it all up.
There’s plenty more where that came from, don’t you worry.