Dance Moms: Life Is Short. Stop And Smell The Hollywood Roses Or The Whole Thing Will Get A Little Prickly.Wednesday, April 15th, 2015
I support Kendall. Unless she tries to wear my new Janet Jackson hair. Then it’s on, Girlfriend.
I got enough on my plate right now just dealing with the 3 hour time change and a side pony.
So I go to the salon and say “Give me the Ariana Grande” and now it’s like we’re twins, right?
Seriously. Now you know why I hang from the chandelier.
Trust me. The MDP ain’t scared of a few little pricks like you.
I’m just saying if he tweets that video of me Mom Dancing one more time, I’m calling my lawyer.
So when you fall asleep with wet hair in Hollywood, they call it a Beachy Wave. Who knew?
That’s a lot of hair jokes in the first 30 seconds.
But that’s how it went down on Dance Moms this time around.
Between the never ending MamaDrama and the ever changing HairCare, there was a lot going on in Hollywood this week. A lot.
So much so that if I wasn’t such a lazy couch potato I would totally go back to beauty school and get another degree, because there’s clearly a need for more qualified psychotherapists who can do a blow out. And I think I’d be awesome at it.
But I love my Moms, regardless of any mood swings or fly aways. So on with the show.
This week started out on the windy sidewalk in front of 3rd St. Dance studio as everyone filed in for the West Coast Pyramid of Shame.
Sasha Nia was rocking a new hip hop snapback and Honey Bow Bow Child JoJo had a clip-on that was bigger than the gift wrapping on the roof of that Prius in last year’s Toyota Christmas commercial. I swear that little peanut’s headgear is either gonna stunt her growth or give her the neck strength of those guys who pull Monster trucks around the State Fair race track with their teeth.
Side note: I need to know who Kira uses as a cell phone provider, because she’s always first with the download of any social media dirt. Every time you turn around she’s all like LookAtMyPhoneGurl and then flashing a tweet or Facebook sumthin sumthin before anyone else can even get their phone out of their Louis.
This time it was some smack talk from Erin Babbs and her Murrieta Dance Project, allegedly “looking forward to kicking some Pittsburgh booty” at this week’s competition.
Except they’re called MDP. Because it’s Hollywood, baby.
If you don’t remember Erin and all the MDP hilarity that ensued when she hooked up with the Candy Apples a few weeks back, you’ll need to Google it yourself and research the details, because the MDP vinyl banner was dangling so crookedly on the MDP back wall that I just can’t right now.
OMG. MDP. OCD.
Once they caught their breath after scaling the seven flights of stairs to the ALDC’s rented studio space, the girls had a quick discussion about Kendall‘s upcoming military music video and then quickly changed the subject before MackZ realized that jumping on a twin bed for three minutes doesn’t really compare to parachuting out of an actual Black Hawk helicopter as it explodes in mid-air on an 8-count techno beat.
Wear Em Out, gurrl. Just Wear Em Out.
Abby does like to pick and choose her favorites on a weekly basis, don’t she?
Side note: In her one-on-one Real Housewives confessional sniglet, my girl Nia was wearing her new music video hair. Dang. SuperLong. SuperFly.
Miss Frazier, if you’re Nasty.
Spoiler Alert: Did you see the clips from Nia’s own upcoming music video?
WERK. All in caps, Miss Thang. We love Nia.
This week, the ALDC team colors were white. And white. Whatever.
Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Nia, MackZ and JoJo. Nia had some technique issues, MackZ got called out for something or other in the group dance and JoJo’s hair bow was so big that I just forgot what I was talking about.
Middle of the pack was all Maddie and Kalani.
Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference: Too late. You missed it. Abby snuck that one in when she pointed out that Sia doesn’t require any proper technique in her music videos and now Maddie can’t even remember how to do a je ne sais quoi.
Which meant that Kendall was on top! And so excited. We all were. And next week was the taping of her music video. Double the excitement! Which was also the week that Nia was filming her own music video. Triple the excitement! Which meant that Nia should probably not assist in Kendall’s project becau——
And then Abby cut off Holly in the middle of her conversation just like that.
Girl, pleez. Holly and I gave the best HollyFaces ever right then. Both of us. You just couldn’t see mine. But it was awesome.
Cut me off? I don’t think so. My BFF has a PhD.
This week the gang was headed to Riverside for another World-Class Talent Experience. Kalani and Maddie both scored solos.
Abby’s New Implied Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference: Maddie was going to be MIA again tomorrow because she would performing on the Ellen Show and unless she was doing card tricks or celebrity impersonations, it’s probably safe to assume that it was going to be a Sia dance. So there you go. Implied.
Side note: Have you seen Ellen’s stuff that she sells on QVC? Some of it’s cool. Some of it’s a little countryfied for a city slicker like myself, but I’d still buy some if it was on Easy Pay. I’ll never understand the whole battery operated timer phenomenon, tho. I mean, if you’re seriously too lazy to get off the couch, walk over to the mantel and turn on your candle, then I think we have bigger issues here.
Personally, I blame the internet. And blogs that take forever to get to the point.
Speaking of technology. So even with my new iPhone 6Plus, iPad, MacBook Pro, Apple TV, two desk calendars and one of those magnetic thingamabobs from the grocery store that’s stuck on my refrigerator, I still somehow missed the notification that it was National Pick On Nia and Make Her Feel Like A Second Class Citizen Day. Because apparently it was. At least according to Abby. Because she was relentless on my girl.
I wasn’t liking it one bit. And neither was Holly.
(Take Kendall outside and shut the door in my face? Really?)
But I love the way Holly supports Nia. Especially when it comes to accountability and equal support for all the girls. She doesn’t want all this music video hysteria to take away from the experience and the learning and the friendships within the team.
I also love how she ends everything on Twitter with #starinyourownlife.
I bet she totally talks like that in real life.
Buy milk. Pick up dry cleaning. Get my hair did. Did you watch Scandal last night?
If only it were that easy. As the girls got to rehearsing and the Moms got to raising the Homeland Security Tension Level to Orange, we had just enough time to scoot across town to check in on the MDP and their crooked a** banner.
The girls were all tightly tanned-up and bunned-up (…as previously noted, I haven’t gone to beauty school yet, so I’m not certain that’s the correct term for all those matching Asia Monet Ray hairdos…) and were going through the choreography for their own group routine while Erin yelled at them and talked more cellphone smack about the ALDC.
I don’t think Erin smokes. I just think she yells too much and could use a Ricola.
The MDP was using a big prop that was either the makeup table from RuPaul’s Drag Race or a bar from Hooter’s. It was hard to tell. Since the girls were doing some pretty fancy chair work it could have gone either way, I guess.
You can tell the MDP is all LA. They look the part.
Back at the ALDC camp the next day, things got uncomfortably heated between Holly and my MomCrush Jill.
Turns out that Kendall, Maddie, Mackenzie and I don’t know who else all ended up hanging out with Todrick Hall the night before. Like a sleepover or something, I guess.
Except Todrick is a youtube sensation. And you’re not.
It wasn’t really clear who called who and why Jill just dropped her kid off in an unfamiliar city in the middle of the night without even asking any questions, or why Todrick always wears a Mickey Mouse hat. But for some reason Nia was the only person not invited.
Well…Nia and me, actually. Which was not cool at all.
Especially when we both cried ourselves to sleep. FYI…I don’t like when people cry.
Especially Nia. Or Kalani. Or Maddie. Or MackZ. Or JoJo. Or Kendall.
(And don’t even get me started on next week’s sneak previews already. Holly crying inside some automobile? No. Not doing it. Unless she caught her finger in the car door, I don’t even want to know what’s going on. I’m already stressed out.)
I’ll let Todrick off the hook for this week, tho, because realistically nobody would be able to dial a phone wearing those big, floppy Mickey Mouse hands of his (…HellzYah I want Disney to pay MY rent, too…) but I’m not sure why somebody else couldn’t have just knocked on Nia’s hotel door and let her carpool.
Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: Somehow, even when she stormed out of the room like Christi Lukasiak 2.0, she was still on point. I was especially fond of her plaid blazer the next day when she and Holly kinda sorta made up a little.
Side note: Where do they go when they keep running out of the room? Do they just stand on the other side of the door and wait for someone to pull them back inside? I was afraid Jill might end up wandering the streets and find herself back at Todrick’s again.
Or worse. Rodeo Drive. And her credit cards were in the hotel safe.
If you want to see the whole argument, you’ll need to rewind your DVR because you know how I avoid confrontation at all cost.
Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Fashion Watch: Digging the new Aria Grande look. Since I’m sure you hang on my every word, let me just suggest that you wear your hair like that more often. It’s a really good look.
Plus there’s less to catch on your eyelashes when you NervousBlink.
We love Melissa. And she doesn’t hate me. Yet. So there’s that.
Side note: The MDP had this tiny little squirt of a kid named Keara doing a solo. She was really cute and ran in crazy circles around a tree throwing leaves up in the air like she just don’t care. If this whole Dance Thing doesn’t work out, she already has the perfect misspelled name for Toddlers & Tiaras.
I think I left out the part where the ALDC girls were having a test run scotch-taping super long fake nails onto their little hands and using them to represent the thorns on a rose. Which I guess would make more sense if I had also remembered to mention that the group dance was entitled ‘The Rose Garden.’
They were crazy nails. Like those really, really long, completely non-functional jeweled-out acrylics that the ladies who hold up DMV lines insist on wearing while they try to pick up forms with their lobster claws. You know who you are, gurrrrlzz.
Tapping them things on the counter ain’t gonna make me process your paperwork any faster, either. So how ’bout you just take a number and tell your baby to stop crying.
Finally, it was Showtime!
The MDP had broken into the ALDC dressing room and tagged their makeup mirror with some lipstick graffiti welcoming them to the ‘hood. Not only was it rude, but it was also last season’s color palette.
Melissa scrubbed that thing down like it was radioactive waste.
Maddies’ solo was great, overshadowed only by Abby’s crazy MTV Awards bracelet. Did you see that thing? When Lil’ Kim realizes you stole her bling, she gon’ be maaaaad.
Keara, not Kira, ran around in circles until she found a baby tree behind the big tree. That kid can dance. Look out when she’s tall enough to ride the rides at Universal.
Kalani followed that one with her own stellar solo. I think her legs got longer this week.
Right around here, Lifetime snuck in a video clip commercial with all the ALDC girls spazzing out at last year’s Reunion Show having some kind of sleepover slumber party thing that got me so overly stimulated I ended up screaming “GO TO BED!” at my television screen.
Holy Sugar Buzz, Batman. They were Instagraming and Instagram selfie screaming and having Instagram selfie contests while cartoon Instagram selfie word balloons were flying around like I don’t know what. Like SpongeBob on selfie acid maybe.
MackZ’s shoes even popped off.
The two group routines were both really well done. The ALDC Rose Garden headpieces were so elaborate that I think my cable bill might go up next month. Clearly the days of Kelly Hyland hot glueing beer can tabs onto the hem of Paige‘s tutus are long gone.
When the awards were finally handed out, it was ALDC all the way.
Not only did little Keara’s ‘Resurgence’ solo only come in 5th Place, but the emcee managed to completely F*** up the name and called it ‘Resurrance,’ which I totally misheard from the kitchen as ‘Sponsored by esurance.’
At this point, I don’t even know what makes less sense…the fact that Lifetime didn’t fix that goober in post-production, or that for a minute I actually thought Allstate gave a rat’s a** about lyrical dance on the LadyChannel.
Kalani took Second Place. Maddie took First. Bravo!
And then the ALDC shoved the MDP back down to Number Three in the group category by snagging the First Place spot right out from under them.
Everyone was going nuts. JoJo even popped a fake nail right off and almost blinded some little kid who was chewing on one of those plaques they give everyone.
And then it was over.
Until next week, that is. When it’s Battle of the Pop Stars: Part Two.
Which will probably go a little sumthin like…