Raising Asia: It’s My Blu Ray Birthday Party And I’ll Roller Skate If I Want To. Mama Lets Daddy Take The Wheel.Saturday, August 16th, 2014
You’re just a body builder. You don’t understand what it’s like having to stop at every shoe store.
I love my Nana Vicky, but if I see one more macaroni and glitter bracelet while she’s here…
She’s like 6 years old. She won’t even know I’m taking selfies. Oh…that’s a really good one.
No wonder my Mommy acts loopy sometimes. The air is so thin way up here on these heels.
AwHellNah. Don’t even tell me I see silver shoes and a gold bow. Do I have to do everything?
When I say they all drive me crazy, I don’t mean crazy. I mean Kray-Zee.
Srsly? My kid is gonna be headlining in Vegas by the time this guy posts his damn blog recap.
Raising Asia is back. And the recap is back.
My bad. A little bit, anyway.
Mostly it was Xfinity’s fault, though. Blame them.
I guess the deal is that Comcast can show every anatomical naughty bit on Spartacus and Gladiator, but they pixelate Asia Monet Ray. Or at least that’s what happened last week during some technical drama.
Internet glitches aside, the DVR seems to be working just fine now and I managed to infringe on numerous broadcast copyright laws and extract some hilarious photo sniglets.
So it looks like we’re good to go now.
Let’s get caught up on both weeks, shall we?
What you missed last time: Muscle Dad Shawn and Not So Much Muscle Manager Billy Hufsey met up at an Indian restaurant to compare six packs and argue over who was actually Asia’s biological father. Billy had crossed the line a few times in the first episode by implying that he spent more time with Asia than her actual father did, and that’s just not something you say with Shawn Ray in the room.
Shawn still looks like he eats the same size servings of rib meat that always tipped over Fred Flintstone‘s car at the Bronto Burger Place and Billy still looks like his hair rubs off on the pillowcases every night.
My girl Kristie had a few issues with the Reality TV Awards event that Asia was scheduled to attend. The stage was too small and was clearly not conducive to her usual mini-Beyoncé antics, so at the last minute Kristie and Anthony Burrell toned down some of the sass and everything went just fine.
Shawn still wanted to get more involved in Asia’s career. Kristie still wanted Shawn to stick to doing the heavy lifting and leave the Momager stuff to the Mom, because that’s why they call them Momagers. Der.
We also missed Asia doing some math homework at the kitchen table.
6 x 5 = 30. 6 x 6= cop an attitude with yo’ Mama.
I love my iPhone, but clearly Apple and their cell phone calculators are going to be the downfall of Society. Like Planet of the Apes. But instead of talking monkeys burning down our cities, it will be kids who can’t count clogging up the 10 Items or Less aisle at Piggly Wiggly.
It’s gonna happen. And they’ll all have big thumbs from texting too much.
But the most important thing we missed last week was the arrival of Nana Vicky!!
We love Nana Vicky. Kristitie’s Mom showed up to help run the show while Shawn was off handing out PowerBar samples at GNCs around the country. (I don’t really know if that’s where he went or not, but I really like Shawn and I really like the blue raspberry drinks at GNC, so it was an inevitable connection.)
Nana Vicky looks like she makes really good pasta. That’s not an ethnic thing. Or an age thing. Or nothing. It’s just that some people look they would make good pasta. And probably from scratch the way her best friend taught her one weekend.
Plus, pasta is good for carbo loading, so you know that Shawn would be all over that idea like white on unprocessed whole grain gluten-free rice.
Nana Vicky, sister Gina and Kristie hit up a quaint little brunch place where Kristie’s marriage and life/work balance were immediately laid out on the table. Nana cried because she was concerned about the strain that managing Asia’s career was creating between Shawn and Kristie. Gina was all like Yeah What She Said and then offered up her own unsolicited insights.
Kristie got a little fidgety and I could see her left earring starting to whip around, so you knew what kind of storm was coming.
And then the Lifetime post-production people edited the whole thing to look like Kristie got up from the table, didn’t pay her part of the tab, stole a wine glass and left the building.
Now I know my girl Kristie. She’s a fire cracker. Maybe even a loose cannon sometimes.
But she would never bolt on her Mama and sister. At least not without laying down a twenty to cover her part of the appetizers.
As for the missing glass…I don’t know if she’s hurting for crystal stemwear at home or not.
That’s really none of my business.
And now you’re caught up. Let’s see how this week went down….
We started out with Kristie putting her superstar through some stretches and back flips up in that converted-bedroom-turned-rehearsal space, where Asia’s flexibility and skill were clearly on display for the world to see.
Not so much for all the black electrical tape. Looks like Kristie won that camera crew battle, because all the little pieces of tape blocking top secret government information on Asia’s framed certificates were MIA. Remember those? They were like the black bars you put over people’s eyes before you post dirty stuff on Facebook.
I mean, not me. But some people.
It was all gone. That’s one point for Kristie, if you’re keeping track.
Downstairs, Nana Vicky was folding warm towels (…they had to be warm, you know, because everything Nana Vicky does is done with love and that always makes everything feel like a hug…) as Kristie answered a call from Anthony.
He was wearing a hat. You could just tell.
From the moment that Asia’s career began to take off, Anthony and Billy have been at odds on the direction of her trajectory.
Anthony really believes Asia can become the next Beyoncé, while Billy feels that she should focus on being the next Miley Cyrus. Not the new teddy bear-humping one that always make you feel like you need to floss and Purell your hands when she’s done performing. Definitely not that one. That s*** nasty.
Billy’s talking about the old Disney one. Or something similar. He even went as far as creating a song (…Spoiler Alert: That Anthony HATES…) on his Garage Band app.
Turns out that Anthony knew Tina Davis, who had previously worked with Chris Brown (…on his music, not his left hook…yeah, I went there…) and it just so happened that she was going to be in town soon. Maybe Kristie would like to meet her?
One…I’m very happy with Billy. Two…I need to go and dangle my kid from 40 feet of red satin. Buh bye now.
It’s true. Asia has a freakin’ aerial silk thingamajig contraption in her backyard. Like Pink swings from during concerts. And award shows. And probably the grocery store.
Shut. Up. And it even came with fabric, a tool kit and an on-site choreographer. I’m serious. Shannon Beach was standing there like she just came out of the same box as the assembly instructions.
As Asia unintentionally strangled herself like Maddie Ziegler in that Sia video creep fest, baby Blu Ray was not happy. Asia’s little sister wanted to swing around, too, but Mom wouldn’t let her. This was Asia Time.
How much do we love Blu Ray? I mean, c’mon.
Nana Vicky to the rescue! ‘Blu Ray…you wanna do crafts?’ Which is totally code for: You’re In The Way, Gurl.
My code when I was little was: ‘Danny…you want a Pop-Tart?’ I’m sooo on to all you Moms and your tricks now.
As Blu Ray created her 49th pipe cleaner masterpiece and ate some paste (…do kids still do that, or did I just really date myself?…) Asia fell out of the tree and went off to vocal lessons, where we got to see yet another glossy photo of Billy from Fame without his shirt on. I’m all set that, thanks.
We also got to jam with Asia as she tried out Billy’s new Disney song. I don’t know what Mom and Daughter really thought about the little ditty, but Billy was into it.
Into. It. Like that Uncle who showed up at your recital. You know the one.
He was into it, too.
I’m sure that Mr. Hufsey is a pillar of his community. I just don’t know if it’s Billy’s monotone hair or his eyebrows, or what…but something just screams ‘Uncle.‘
Next, for a little decompression after the last few hectic days, Kristie and Asia hit the Mall with Jordan Jones and her Mom Kelly.
JJ is Asia’s BFF from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition. She’s a really good dancer, but I believe that her fingers are permanently fused into a V-Shape, because I can honestly say I’ve never seen a photo of her when she’s not flashing a Peace Sign.
Unless she’s a Vulcan, of course. But I think they use all four of their fingers to make that Star Trek gesture if I recall correctly. And now that you mention it, the Art of the Dance requires emotions, which Mr. Spock didn’t have. So never mind. Forget I said anything.
I like JJ’s Mom, too. Except she always looks like she just changed the pool liner all by herself. She just always looks tired. But she gave sage advice to Kristie on how to be a Dance Mom (…Tuesdays @ 9pm…free plug…) and then they all went home.
Somewhere in all that excitement we got to watch Anthony listen to Billy’s new Disney song and lose his marbles. His hat almost fell off he hated it so much.
And we saw Asia taking some kind of How To Audition class at the I Used To Be On The TV Show Fame Billy Hufsey School For Fame. I’m not really sure what it’s called, so that may not be 100% correct, but it was definitely one of those kind of places.
Asia read a script and a bunch of people who looked like they had just auditioned to be on a show about auditioning to be on a show watched her and then applauded politely.
Whatever. We needed to get back home and play dress-up with Blu Ray and Kristie.
Did I already ask how much we love Blu Ray? Because we do.
Mom realized that she needed to shift some MomLove over to Blu Ray’s side of the room, so they set aside quality time to wobble around in Jimmy Choos and just be normal.
Blu Ray and I can now both testify that it hurts to be this beautiful.
I’m glad it wasn’t just me.
After snatching back her shoes, Kristie took Asia to dance rehearsal, where slippery Anthony had Tina lurking in the back hallway for an impromptu, unexpected and clearly not appreciated meeting.
Anthony won’t be doing that again.
Finally, it was the build up to Blu Ray’s Birthday!! And time for Shawn to start playing a bigger role in Asia’s day to day activities.
Day One: Attend a dance rehearsal with Anthony, kick your wife out of the room, watch your kid do a face plant onto her bad knee, deal with your wife running back in and getting all IToldYouSo up in your face and then taking that same kid outside for a heart to heart on why she isn’t allowed to roller skate at her sister’s Birthday Party.
Shawn explained that roller skating was just too dangerous. One good fall (…Number Two if you count the one she just completed before stepping outside with Dad…) and her WannaBeyoncé career would be over before it even started.
The one thing he didn’t explain was how his shirt got that big tear on the right side of his waistline like someone knifed him on the way over. What kind of neighborhood do these people live in?
Hopefully Day Two will be better, dude.
And then the longest pink limo ever rolled up to take everyone to the party. The whole gang was there, ready for manis, pedis and some roller derby action.
After a quick trip to the spa, everyone hit the rink for pizza and skating. Even Nana Vicky and Gina were up for getting down tonight, along with whoever that lady with all the blonde ’80s hair was. Yikes. If you look quick, I swear that Kristie tried to push Gina down, but that could be editing again or Gina taking too long getting her wheels going.
Asia looked a little mopey watching the festivities from the sidelines, but she explained it away by letting us know that someday when she was more famous than you, she would buy the whole damn rink and make everyone pay to watch her skate in a circle.
Divas to the Skate Floor.
Side note: Originally, Kristie had intended to pull Asia out of the party early for a photo shoot, but I knew she wouldn’t.
Girlfriend loves her family…and cake…way too much to leave leftovers on the table.
And it’s not a Birthday without presents, right? Surprise!!
Blu Ray got a life-size pink car that she and Asia immediately confiscated and drove out the front door like bank robbers. Apparently roller skating is too dangerous for an upcoming mega-star, but driving a Barbie Hummer straight into oncoming traffic is not.
Because that’s what almost happened until Shawn jumped a hydrant and saved the day.
Hit the gas, Blu Ray.
Next stop: Planet Hollywood.