Posts Tagged ‘Abby Lee Miller’

Dance Moms: The ALDC’s About To Put Some Phunk In Dat Steampunk. It’s Debbie Allen To The Rescue Again!

Wednesday, February 17th, 2016

hw

 

 

If you two just stay cute and clean up all this crap, Mama will sit here and do your homework for you.

 

 

ww (2)

 

 

Srsly with this cup in my shot again? Why can’t they pay for a commercial like everyone else?

 

 

jail1

 

 

It’s been awhile since Accounting, but I think whatever you erase just kinda goes away…

 

 

niaguns

 

 

 

Contour all you want, but you ain’t never getting my #HollyArms. They’re a work of art, Baby.

 

car

 

 

 

Whoa. I specifically asked for hot sauce in my bag. Beyoncé got hot sauce in her bag, swag. Gurrl…*

 

 

kkg

 

 

I’m going on four weeks with no sleep and a leaky pump. You sure you wanna do this right now?

 

 

dalazy (1)

 

 

I know that heifer didn’t just call me Lazy, cuz I will rip that car door right off the hinge.

 

 

 

*Before we even begin:

Drumroll, please.giphy-1

If you didn’t get that opening Beyoncé Super Bowl reference, it already means we’re gonna have trouble this week.  Imma need y’all to stay up to date on your pop culture or we can’t be friends anymore.

Also.  This is Queen Bey breaking in new shoes.giphyThis is you.

IMG_1650Any questions?

Good.  Now on to Dance Moms.

So you want Fame?  Again?

Chile, pleez.  Who doesn’t?  But it’s still gonna cost you.

And right here is where you keep paying.  Financially and emotionally this time.

So just have a seat.

And sit like this if you don’t mind…

DebbieAllen-Fame …because (…YAAAAAAAAS, Gawd!…) Debbie Allen is back!

Dat’s rite.  It was Miss Allen to the rescue once again as Abby Lee Miller continued the long, slow process of losing all her mental marbles…one by one…thanks to all the shizz that you keep seeing on the TMZ app.

Melissa and my MomCrush Jill were the first to find Abby this week, hunkered down in that crazy backroom/bedroom/storage room situation, unexplainably surrounded by a bunch of school boys and clutter.

Take Your Neighbor’s Son To Work Day, I guess.

As Abby struggled with what was either the NYTimes crossword puzzle or a page ripped out of one of those Barnes & Noble Sudoku books (…it was hard to tell…) a bunch of random child laborers were busy organizing sequined tube tops and who knows what else into more of those plastic Target bins.  Like when the Backstreet Boys used to have to do odd jobs to pay for their first demo cd.  Except nothing like that, probably.

With her hair up in those invisible, make-believe hot rollers again, Abby was a mess.

aWith an “ongoing incident” involving $170, 000 that (…allegedly…) may or may not have vanished in the Bermuda Triangle, Abby clearly had more important things on her mind than setting up the latest Pyramid of Shame.  Despite Melissa and Jill’s urging, she couldn’t be bothered this week.  Sorry.  Not gonna happen.

She did cry a dramatic single tear, which I have never been able to recreate even tho I attempt it every time something doesn’t go my way.

Wait for it.

tIt’s coming.

t2

There it is!

t2Just like in the soap operas.

cries-in-spanishDespite all of Melissa and Jill’s attempts at coaxing Abby out of the backroom, she wasn’t budging.  Even when the rest of the Moms joined in on the rally…nuthin.

It was like on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom when that guy used to stick his whole head into a gopher hole and only came back out with a bloody nose.  Some times you just have to cut your losses before you lose any eye.

Side note:  In a moment of hilarity, Jessalynn told Gianna that Abby looked exactly like Gia always does every morning at 7:10am.  I’m just gonna leave that one right here and you can decide if it was meant as point of reference or an insult.  Your call.

Abby’s cup totally matches all the crap in the back, BTW.

a1Since Pyramids aren’t Gia’s thang, we scooted right into assignments for the week.

The ‘Well-Oiled Machine’ group number was going to be a steampunk-themed dance that would include Maddie if she ever decided to show up again.  That movie was certainly taking long enough.  I’m pretty sure the new Star Wars movie wrapped up faster.

Clever Segue Dept.:  This is what R2-D2 would look like if he were steampunk-ed.

awesome_steampunk_creations_640_01

Side note:  The movie 9 was a cute movie if you still need a kinda sorta family-friendly Netflix example of steampunk.  Little kids won’t understand any of the end-of-the-world depressing stuff, but they’ll totally want a couple of these stuffed beanbags with eyes.

And the animation is insane.  Look at these little guys.

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Kalani and Brynn both scored solos.  Since the gang was headed to Arizona for this week’s Sheer Talent Competition (…and Phoenix was Kalani and Brynn’s hometown…) you could already tell where the bulk of the drama would be coming from this week.

Kalani was excited to see her Mom after all this time (…Spoiler Alert:  Kira‘s back!…) while Brynn just started doing this a lot.

bPoor little nugget.  This whole Maddie Stand-In thing is going to give her a stroke.

Which Wich Sighting/Drinking Game Alert:  That yellow cup was back again.

wwLifetime is giving away coupons for FREE Which Wich sammies if you find all 27 times the logo cup showed up in this episode.  Let’s make it a game until the network sues me.

They Said It Would Never Happen Dept.:  You might wanna sit down again, because the Moms all just agreed on something.  I swear.  All of them.  Even Jill and Ashlee, who hate each other.  But not as much as Ashlee hates Kira.  And vice versa.

Every last one of the Moms agreed that the girls would be better off rehearsing at Debbie Allen’s studio if this was how Abby was gonna play it this week.  They were going to go where they were wanted.

So Jill called all the kids into a quick family meeting and told them they were packing up their gear (…subliminal steampunk foreshadowing…) and heading outta Dodge for the week.

JoJo was all for it.

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Kendall looked like she was having a BrynnStroke even though she wasn’t really.

I’m not sure what that was all about.
kk

 Mackenzie is still on the show, FYI.

mzAnd Nia was straight up Whatever.  #OverItThankYou.

overitSide note:  When did our little Sasha Nia get so big?  Look at her.  Boo all growed up, yo.

niaAnd then Brynn did this again.

b1Side note:  Naturally, Holly still had Debbie Allen in her speed dial, so just to be on the safe side I made sure my phone was fully charged.  Because, you know…“DE–“ is pretty close to “DA–“ and I didn’t want to miss Holly’s call if she #ButtDialed me by mistake.

Because I’m pretty sure I’m in her speed dial, too.

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Or not, maybe.

Needless to say, the trip to Debbie Allen’s Dance Academy was beyond inspirational.

Miss D was all like ‘Halleloo’ and ‘Discover The Narrative’ and wearing this…

da (1)…and doing this…

da3…and going ‘YAAAAAAAAS!’ like I don’t know what.

da1YAAAAAAAAS!  YAAAAAAAAS!  YAAAAAAAAS!  And…YAAAAAAAAS with a fan!

i_B3_P20i2_SGu9_OSide note:  In all the excitement to get to Debbie Allen’s crib, I may have forgotten to mention all the nasty texts that Kira (…allegedly…) had been sending Ashlee (…who she hates…) because Ashlee (…who hates Kira…) had (…allegedly…) said nasty things about Kira and Kalani (…who nobody hates…) and that had now spiraled so far out of control that Lifetime will probably have to bail on the Which Wich freebies in order to payroll additional security when Kira comes off maternity leave.

**@!#!*#@@!**

kg1

Yeah.  What she said.

And then we came back from a commercial break and I swear they skipped an entire day of filming, because Maddie was already back.  And Kira was back.  And everyone was already in Arizona at Kira’s Adage Dance Studio.

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Exactly.

Even Abby was in Arizona.  Because it’s a dry heat.

And because she wanted to pout and complain and get all up in e’rrybody’s grill without having to actually participate in any of the dance-related activities leading up to the competition.

She did , however, show up in the parking lot with a bag full of tasty lettuce wraps.  After getting her roots done, of course.  But before getting her eyelashes glued on.

#GospelTruth.

You can’t make this show up.  You just can’t.
eat2Did you see her eating?  She kind of chews like a bunny.

MjdPanhSomething about her cheeks, I think.eatNobody could believe she flew all the way to Arizona to eat lettuce wraps.  Which must be pretty tasty if you’re gonna fly all the way to Arizona just to eat lettuce wraps, right?  I don’t even like putting my pants back on to go across the street for a slice of pepperoni.

So you go, Arizona.  You and your tasty lettuce wraps just go.

I’m not even going to address the part where Abby called Debbie Allen lazy.

Side note:  Jess’s faces are starting to give me Life.  What the what did she just say?

jjss

Q.  Anyone else notice all the stuff going on in Kira’s studio?  All the photos and writing and chalkboard artwork everywhere you looked?  Someone even drew a Cat-In-The-Hat hat on the blackboard for some reason.  Except it was purple.

kgYou could tell Holly was getting some baaaaad SchoolDaze flashbacks.

hAnd everything was labeled with hot pink paper from Staples.

Every.  Thing.

Even the water in a vending machine that was clearly designed for dispensing beverages made out of water was labeled ‘water.’

That’s just crazy.  Who does that?

AQToh-1450285111-575-blog-batmanlabels

Besides Batman, I mean.

Finally it was Showtime!

And time for Kira to show up a few minutes late because she was out back pumping gas at the Exxon station and the credit card machine wouldn’t accept her new card.

Because that’s totally what she was talking about, right?

Otherwise, she came into that backroom sharing way too much information for me that close to my bedtime.

Oh.  And Ashlee called out Kira for her 3 Baby Daddies and criminal record.

427I know, right?  El Morte.

Which doesn’t even make any sense but it’s the only Spanish I know.

Jill was like Pleeeez…

satan

…but Ashlee was trying to be all like…

tumblr_nwb9htabMV1ujoffjo1_500..and then it was nothing but screaming and yelling about boob jobs and credit fraud and who hated who the most while Abby just sat there reading the Sheer Talent program book wondering what was taking the damn waiter so long to come over to her table.

menuQ.  Srsly.  Did she even know where she was this week?

Kira swore some more, called Ashlee pathetical (…which, BTW…turns out to be a real word after all…) and then went tearing out of her own studio before the show even started.

No wonder she’s always in the back pumping gas.

That’s a lot of miles on the car if you’re gonna keep driving back and forth between your house and your business every time somebody pushes your buttons.

It all makes sense now.

Side note:  Baby Jett got cuter this week.  What a niblet.  Go creep her Facebook.

And then…finally…it was really Showtime!

And Daycare time, apparently, because the first two rows of the auditorium were filled with kids holding Care Bears and not paying attention to anything that was going on around them.  You can get plenty of gas when you need it, but I guess babysitters are in short supply in AZ this time of year.

Kalani nailed her solo.  Nailed.  It.kh

Brynn did great, too.  But she seemed a little…little…after seeing Kalani’s long legs.

Look at her with all those Little House On The Prairie braids going on.  Can’t you just see her screaming for Pa when the horses get loose?  I love Brynn.  So cute.

b.2tiff

I think I forgot the part where Kira supplied all the steampunk costumes for the group routine since Abby had emotionally checked-out for the week.  My bad.

They looked great (…and the gear-centric stencil makeup was amazeballs…) but the girls were all wearing different styles of shorts, which Abby noticed when she finally took her head out of the Chéz Adage menu.

sp

Luckily, she miraculously had a steampunk steamer trunk full of ziplock bags stuffed with matching booty shorts in the perfect burgundy accent color.  Really.  I swear.

A Bag O’ Shorts.  Outta nowhere.

Rewind the DVR.  If I’m lying, I’m dying.  And I thought I was the only one who liked to keep my booty shorts as water-tight as farmers market veggies.

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Don’t ask.

Holly couldn’t believe that everyone was worrying about costumes 30 seconds before the music started when they could have been figuring it all out three days ago before Abby melted down.  Good job this week, Ms. Miller.  Good job..

Then there was some more screaming.

And another one of those chaotic Girl Talk commercials where JoJo told me how to pack a dance bag for a sleepover and sit in my splits while I’m watching TV.

Ok.

As if.

ar

That’s the face I make when someone tells me to sit in a split.  Ashlee just stole it.

The Awards:  Kalani took First Place.  But Brynn didn’t place.  And there was clearly a third Kendall solo sumthin sumthin that ended up on the editing room floor, because KK was running all around the stage wearing a sash and beauty pageant crown that was way too small to be her mother’s.

Full Disclosure:  Haters gonna hate, but I heart the Vertes family.  Check out Mama in this lil numbah.  You know she knows she looks gooooood.

jcs

And the ALDC group routine snatched First Place!  And they deserved it.

It was tough.  Sharp.  Aggressive.  With a funky grinding gear sound that made it extra steampunkish, which is just as much a word as pathetical, thank you very much.

tumblr_o2o3fiXlaP1tb8iyko1_500And then it was over.

Abby was just as vague about next week as she was last week about this week.  And made about as much sense as that sentence just did.

Maddie was back for good.  Which meant that Brynn was on probation now.  Which meant that Ashlee was on probation.  Which meant that next week was almost certainly guaranteed some more Mama Drama fo’ sho’.

Q.  Didn’t this show used to have Minis?  Wait a minute…

Never mind.  It’s late.

For now, it’s time for all us steampunks to go home.

See you next time.

Buh bye.

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Dance Moms: Abby’s Back…And She Brought Tiny Reenforcements. It’s The Invasion Of The All-New ALDC Minis!

Wednesday, February 10th, 2016

jj (1)

 

 

The girls said you can flip the camera lens and just look at yourself all day. This is life changing.

 

 

mel

 

 

Someone is literally gonna have to sit on me if that new lady says one more thing about Boo’s pigtails.

 

 

wf

 

 

I’ve never actually watched the show before. Do I kiss her ring now or how does this all work?

 

 

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Please forgive me. I promise to go home and watch all the Sia videos tonight. Just don’t hurt my family.

 

 

air1

 

 

Trust me. You’re not even worth my hair, which cost a whole lot more than that Flintstones blouse.

 

 

 

k1

 

 

It’s true. I swear to Gawd. Last week when she took the hot rollers out it was like this big. No lie.

 

 

ao

 

 

Before you make any Orange Is The New Black jokes, keep in mind that I got four lawyers on speed dial, ‘kay?

 

 

 

It’s true.

What they say, I mean.

Big Things do come in Little Packages.

Especially when you’re talking Diamonds.  And Mama Drama.

Just ask the new ALDC Minis.  About the Mama Drama part, anyway.

For such tiny little nuggets, these (…Spoiler Alert…) 5 new little girls have certainly brought along enough baggage (…both emotional and over-sized Vera Bradley…) to the party in their first month at the ALDCLA.

Or at least their Mamas have.

The kids only seem to be in charge of Big Smiles and Big Bows so far.

Spoiler Alert #2:  Look at JoJo checking out the new little squirt who arrived this week, like the kid just showed up trying to start a hair bow turf war or something.

bbowBut that’s really jumping ahead in the story.

And now I’ve ruined the surprise when Mini Numero Cinco gets here.  My bad.

Back to the beginning.

As  we settled in for another Dance Moms episode, the Original Recipe Moms were arriving at the ALDCLA mothership, which I took to mean that everyone was going to be allowed back inside the building after last week’s lock-out.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  My MomCrush was hooched up (…before lunch, FYI…) in the same shiny black leather stiletto shoe booties that Nicole Scherzinger wore in one of the Pussycat Dolls music videos.  I forget which one, but I think it was the one where she got really sweaty and kept putting her leg up on one of those Barre Method ballet barres.

Nicole, I mean.  Even tho I can totally see Jill taking a class at Pure Barre just so she can say she takes classes at Pure Barre and then have a guilt-free Starbucks.

(I swear those two businesses are in cahoots to take people’s money, because they’re always on the same block and have the same hours of operation.)

Haters gonna hate, but I love Jill.  Almost enough to justify the restraining order she put out on me last season.  Almost.

And Abby Lee Miller was back.  Finally.  Kinda.  Sorta.

Oddly MIA for two weeks after resigning from her own Life, Abby had decided to return and was basically just phoning in her job for the first 10 minutes of the show as the Moms tried to figure out what her dealio was this week.  Holly even compared it to a military invasion, which was probably a lot closer to reality than she realized.

Side note:  If you’re pressed for time and need to go, this #HollyFace pretty much sums up the remainder of the episode:

hf

Thanks for stopping by, tho.

And the Pyramid of Shame was back, too.  Super-sized.  Now with Minis!

Full disclosure:  It was basically the same Pyramid with a bunch of Mini head shots underneath, but the new kids seemed pretty excited to see themselves on a national television network.  So there’s that, I guess.

And, honestly, I don’t even remember much about the Pyramid except for the part when Abby revealed Nia and Kalani’s faces and decided that Black History Month was a good time to dissect their African Dance Duet.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Abby said that Kalani was “A little bit more African than Nia…”

Will-Smith-OMG-Expression-On-Fresh-Prince-Of-Bel-Air

…and that it made sense for Nia to do the dance because she was African American.

giphy-1OhNoSheDin’t.

I was all like…
2015 - 1Holly was all like…tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500

And then Holly did this.  And this.  And this.  And this.

Feel free to add your own dialogue.   h h2 h1 h4Study note:  There will be a geography quiz at the end of the episode, so make sure you know where Africa, America and Pittsburgh are…and the difference between the three, you crazy whack job dance studio owner.

I love Holly too much when she’s laying down #HollyLaw.

This week, the gang was headed to another Devotion 2 Dance Competition.

The Minis would be performing a ‘Cavemen Under Cover’ group dance while the Big Girls would be ‘Better Off Now’ with Brynn playing the role of Maddie in their own group number.  Because Maddie was still off doing her movie.  Still.

Tiny Alysa (…with one ‘S’…) scored the only solo this week, which gave her Mom Mary yet another opportunity to let us all know that she had sacrificed soooo much to be here at the ALDCLA.  We get it.

You gave up a lot.  You left your family and kids behind.

Maybe you could tell that story to Evan Frazier who’s sitting at home right now looking for the damn can opener.  Or Erno Vertes, who thought groceries just magically appeared in the refrigerator every week.  Or Greg Gisoni, who’s already lost the garage remote three times and is taking AA batteries out of the smoke detectors instead of going to CVS.

I’m pretty sure everyone’s given up a little sumthin sumthin.  Just saying.

as

And then Jill and Ashlee went at it again.

Same argument.  Different outfits.  Don’t talk smack about my kid.  I’m not talking smack about your kid.  Yes, you are.  No, I’m not.

Jill was all like (…bleep…) you.

jfuAshlee was all like don’t tell me to (…bleep…) you, because I will.  So hard.

afu

Oh, really?

real1Really.

real

You’ve got a fat a**.

Well, you’re old.

GIF-Cat-fight

No lie.

It went on for like 20 minutes and Ashlee still couldn’t get the cap off her water bottle.  You see that?  And what is Melissa always eating?  Because it looks mighty tasty.

Once the dust settled, newbie Mini Kendall finally showed up.  Two hours late, thank you.

Clearly, she was tardy because they stopped to put her birth certificate into the Toddlers & Tiaras Name Generating Machine and watch it spit back out as Kendyl, just to mess up my spellcheck and prevent her from being confused with the other Kendall that was already on the payroll.

This show.  I swear.

Too bad her Mom, Lynn (…who managed to hold onto all her consonants in transit…) has never watched it, tho, because she came in through the side door going on and on about how she didn’t want her daughter in a negative, stressful environment and that they were just here to dance at the ALDC.

Ok.  You just keep telling yourself that, honey.

kidThat bow big enough, BTW?

These little Minis are so Ka-Yooot I can’t stand it.

With only 2 days to go, Holly and Jesslaynn took Ashlee out back behind the dumpster for what I initially thought was going to be a beatdown, but turned out to only be a pep talk about being a Team Player.

I guess we’ll see have to wait and see who gets survives and who gets voted off  the Dance Moms Island as the season progresses, right Jess?

jsSide note:  Lynn busted into the studio and interrupted Abby’s rehearsals at least 7 times before she was finally shut down and sent back to the other Moms in tears.  Honestly, even if you’ve never seen the show, I don’t know how many fingers you need to lose before you stop sticking your hand in the monkey cage, lady.

l1And then Melissa wanted in on some of this New Mom Fun.

Learn from Mama Corleone-Gisoni, people.  This is how ‘this’ works.

giphySide note:  Kerri called Melissa the ‘Godfather’ later in the episode when Lynn started making fun of Mackenzie’s pigtails, but I couldn’t wait any longer to use that clip.

Side note Numero Due:  I’m the only one allowed to make fun of the pigtails.

Capiche?

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Side note Numero Tre:  Somebody had a yellow slurpee cup from Which Wich sandwich shops behind them on the viewing steps which caused quite an uproar on Twitter.

IMG_1250I’ve never been to one myself, but everyone was going on and on about how good the food was and now I want to use the residuals (…that Lifetime should have been paying me all these years for pimping out their show…) to open a franchise, even though it looks exactly like a Subway sandwich in a different piece of wax paper.

Power of: Social Media.

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Finally, it was Showtime!

For this guy, anyway.

3872959826_2aed9b9de5_oSrsly.  Where was everybody?

Nobody was outside waiting for the bus to arrive.  No screaming kids with blinged-out iPhones.  No glitter paint poster paper signs.  Nuthin.

Nuthin inside, either.  It was freaky.  Nobody could figure it out.

Lynn was trying to dial down her NewMomSpaz as everyone got ready for the competition in the back room, but it wasn’t working very well.  You could tell it wasn’t going to last very long.  The Calm Before the Storm, as it were.

Alysa’s solo was all cute and stuff, but once you’ve seen Asia Monet Ray get all sassy pants all over a stage…well…Game Over.

The_Flamingo

And besides.  Abby doesn’t do cute.  At least not this week.

Back at the makeup tables after the routine, the whole thing somehow went form worse to worser when Lynn mimicked Mackenzie’s 26 years of pigtails and Glitz Pageant posing.

Like this.mzExcuse me?

mkzThat’s when Melissa threatened to chew Lynn’s face off and when Kerri called her the Dance Moms Godfather.kk

That’s also when Holly tried to intervene but then realized Lynn wasn’t worth the air required to put up a fight and decided to tune her right out for the remainder of the day.

You just keep talking to yourself, woman.

Once the Minis were all ratted up and put into their Pebbles and Bam Bam outfits, Abby noted that only NOW did they finally look like ALDC dancers.  bbam

Because you know how Abby does love herself a good mile-high.

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The Minis finally hit the stage, swinging Cro-Magnon clubs around like I don’t know what until the newest of the new dropped hers on the ground and caused so much prehistoric drama that you would have thought the dinosaurs unthawed.

Brynn did a great job leading the ALDC group routine, giving face all the way to the empty cheap seats in the back.

Really.  Did they even have the date right?  Where is everyone?

When it was all over, both the Minis and the Junior Team (…and, from what I could tell, about 9 other dancers from who knows where…) laid around on the empty stage floor waiting for awards to be handed out.

kl

Unfortunately, Alysa lost a couple more letters in her name as well as the First Place spot.

Second Place would have to do, even though we all know what Abby thinks of that title.

Both the Minis and the Big Girls took home First Place trophies and yet still managed to find something for their Moms to all complain about outside on the way to the cars.

Each other, basically.

Ashlee didn’t get it.  Lynn really didn’t get it.  Jill wanted to give it to Ashlee right between the eyes.  And Melissa knew people who could make it happen, but you didn’t hear it from her, of course.  Let’s keep that in the Dance Moms Family.

And then Abby peaced out…and flaked out…as soon as they were out of the building.

Maybe she’d be back.  Maybe not.  Maybe she’d get rid of all the Minis.  Maybe not.

Brynn could stay for now, tho.

At least we got that much out of Abby before she bolted in the rental.brNo big fight this time.  No real last minute drama.

The whole thing just fizzled out and ended pretty much the same way it started.

Right, Holly?

hf

So, yeah.  I guess we’re done here.

See you next time.

Or not.

oitnb (1)

Dance Moms: When Abby Goes Rogue Again, It’s Debbie Allen To The Rescue. Hurray For Bollywood…And Africa.

Wednesday, February 3rd, 2016

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Don’t you cry, niblet. At least you’re not wearing any pigtails. Trust me…it’s been a looong 5 years.

 

 

da

 

 

Baby, look at me. When I’m done with you, that sore back is gonna remember remember my name.

 

 

nia

 

 

So I went online to check out all my haters’ viral music videos and…wait…there are none. Hashtag: OhSnap

 

 

ac

 

 

Aww Hell Nah. I specifically said no bathroom security jobs that involved clowns. I’m done.

 

 

h2

 

 

You trash my hair on social media and I’ll be at your house tonight unplugging the damn internet.

 

 

da3

 

 

If these babies can teach me how to take a selfie, I don’t care if they live in the backroom.

 

 

mkz

 

 

 

I’ll totally help all these little squirts if they wanna pay me in snacks. It’s still all about the chips.

 

 

 

You.

Yeah.  I’m talking to You.

You’ve got Big Dreams.  You want Fame.

Well, Fame costs.  And right here is where you start paying.

In Sweat.

debbie-allen-as-lydia-grant-in-FAME

And you can quote me on that.  Or maybe that lady right there, if you’d prefer.

Because Debbie Allen has arrived, y’all.

The Queen is in the building.  And that is awesome.  And amazing.  And inspiring.

And it’s totally jumping about four commercial breaks ahead in the recap and referencing the wrong television show all at the same time.  But it doesn’t even matter.

Because it’s Debbie Allen.

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And now that I’ve ruined the surprise, let’s start at the beginning.

Dance Moms kicked off this week’s episode already slightly discombobulated (…and completely right back where they started their whole Hollywood journey…) on the sidewalk in front of the 3rd Street Dance Studio, which was apparently once again serving as rehearsal space for the ALDC.

After resigning from her own Life (…which still makes about as much sense to me as I dunno what…) Abby Lee Miller had apparently locked the Moms out of the new ALDCLA studio and gone into reclusive hoarding/hiding inside the bowels of that freaky back storeroom, forcing everyone else to find temporary housing.

3rd Street Dance to the rescue.

Thankfully, this studio seems to have way more Salsa posters and Zumba signage than they do actual running classes, because the place always seems to be empty and available at a minute’s notice.  Or maybe that’s just me.

Regardless, the team scored a home for now.

Side note:  I’m totally ok with Lifetime using that ‘Previously On Dance Moms’ clip of my MomCrush Jill flipping out on Abby every week for the rest of the season if they’d like, because it’s been on every episode since it happened and I’ve enjoyed it immensely.j-1

True.  It’s probably not as epic as throwing a shoe while wearing Dollar Store western headgear, but sometimes even the best peak too early.  It just happens.

So, anyway. Abby was MIA.  Again.

Just like Maddie, who was not only starring in whatever movie keeps taking her away from the studio every other week, but also apparently writing it, directing it and editing all the sci-fi laser beam computer animation, because it’s certainly taking her a long time to wrap this thing up.  Let’s go, people.  Time is Money.

And now Nia was MIA, too.  Or so they thought.

Turns out she was just back a block or two on her Sidekick, voicing her concerns to the Social Media Director at NiaSioux Enterprises, LLC regarding some not-so-cool replies from internet haters to a post she had put online about how to do a spin or something.

One:  Really?

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Two:  Remember when kids used to play outside?  Is that not a thing anymore?

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Three:  Really?

h4Don’t even get me started.  I don’t understand social media sometimes.

Or toe spins.

Since Abby was…you know…Gianna was in charge this week.  And our girl doesn’t do Pyramids.  So moving right along.  Is this gonna be a 30 minute show or what?

This week, the gang was headed to Fierce Dance Competition.

But NO Solos.  Only Duets.  Three of them.

Nia and Kalani scored an African Dance number, which was going to be choreographed by Travis Payne‘s assistant Aisha Francis.  Turns out that neither Pyramids OR African Dance are Gia’s thang.  Being the best babysitter EVAH to the Minis still is, tho.

Spoiler Alert:  If this African routine turns out to be even half as #OnFleek as Aisha’s eyebrows, I ain’t too worried, because…Gurrrrl, that face is Beat.

Which is a good thing, FYI…at least according to the kids who are currently hating on my blog instead of being outside getting fresh air.

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Newbies Peyton (…Pay-Ton’…) and Alexus (…‘Alexis’ without the ‘I’…) were given the first Mini Duet Flashback of the season:  A reinvented interpretation of Chloe and Asia‘s classic ‘Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark’ routine.

This one.

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My_dollHow much did we love Chloe and Asia Monet Ray?  And Christi.

And how about Asia’s Mom Kristie Ray?  How much did we love her?  Especially when she lost her nutty and did this thing up in the MomPerch…

Tumblr_mrlgnaiLuP1qejlczo1_500-1…which is easily the best Dance Moms Gif ever in the history of Dance Moms Gifs…

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500…except for that one right there, of course.  What the What?

I really can’t look at both of them together for very long or my head will explode.

The final ‘Odd Couple’ duet went to Kendall and Brynn, which was done basically to allow their Moms the opportunity to pig pile on top of each other for the remainder of the episode.  No love lost there, folks.

Brynn’s Mom Ashlee immediately asked which part was harder.  #OhNoSheDint.

Tumblr_mrlgnaiLuP1qejlczo1_500-1Yes, she did.  And Jill didn’t like it much.  Which explains why she made a #JillFace that looked exactly like a #HollyFace and then I didn’t know what was happening.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Truth:  I could literally tell the rest of this week’s episode with just these two Gifs.

And don’t think I won’t try.

Side note:  Just so nobody says I’m not giving equal time, here is one of my all-time favorite Christi moments.  I don’t know why it is, but it is.  Please do enjoy.

tumblr_n5xw6vNZ9O1ts65cuo1_500And then it was time for Nakul Dev Mahajan to arrive.

Oh, hey.

nk1And, heeeey.

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Straight outta So You Think You Can Dance, the Bollywood King was flashing hand jives and ancient finger dings from the moment he walked through the door.  Brought in to choreograph the elaborate Big & Little group number, Nakul was da bomb.  Nobody knows this Bollywood shizz better than this guy.  Trust me.

Now let’s just hope he can teach Minis how to pinky finger the Lotus.

pAs the full-size and pint-size girls all tried to work together without poking their own eyes out, the Moms headed into the back hallway to chew on each other’s necks for a few minutes.

Peyton was having trouble picking up the choreography, which meant that her Mom Kerri was already starting to unravel.  Ashlee was already psychically predicting that Kendall would not be able to act out the character in her dance.  Melissa was getting that twitch she gets when Abby’s not around.

And the rest of the Moms all sat around in what I swear was swirling asbestos dust.

Srsly.  Please tell me you saw all that fuzz floating in the air.

3Wi0XUKI know it’s an old building, but…gah.

Luckily, Holly, Nia and Kalani didn’t have to inhale it for very long, because they were off to Debbie Allen’s Dance Academy for a freebie.

YAAAAAAAAS, Queen!

Debbie Allen had offered up her studio for an African Dance class, which Holly somehow found out about by chatting up Aisha on her cellphone the night before.  Because apparently ‘Aisha’ comes right before ‘Aubrey’ in Holly’s speed-dial.  I don’t even ask anymore.  That phone’s memory card must be massive.

When you get to the ‘Ds’ and wanna go to lunch, call me.

I love Debbie Allen.  She’s strong.  Inspirational.  And every word that comes out of her mouth could go on a t-shirt or one of those expensive Hallmark cards that require additional postage because they’re so heavy.

Debbie walked into that studio and everyone was all like…YAAAAAAAAS!

tumblr_inline_n84i1fYDY41rnss34Plus, she was wearing a beret.  Slightly askew.  So you knew she meant bidnezz.

When Debbie Allen speaks,  the room falls silent.  Holly, Nia and Kalani were captivated as The Queen discussed being a Performer vs. being an Artist.

She said “I would wish Artistry on both of you.”  YAAAAAAAAS!

tumblr_inline_nvgu4iNvc51satrrh_500And it just kept going.  All to a crazy drum beat.

Not gonna lie.  By the time they finished rehearsals and Debbie told them to “Never be afraid to try.  Success is a Journey.  It is always in the making.” I was like…tumblr_inline_nox6iqYyyd1qdbwps_500Call me a cab.  I’m done.

Side note:  When Debbie Allen was on the TV show Fame, she wore loose fitting Flashdance-looking tops and posed like this a lot with Billy Hufsey

fame season 3 debbie allen, billy hufsey, gene anthony ray

…who, years later, somehow ended up being Asia Monet Ray’s agent for a short time…

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…after she danced on Dance Moms and Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition

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…which has nothing really to do with Debbie Allen training Nia and Kalani, but could totally come in handy on Trivia Night if you want to write it down somewhere.

I know, right?  Mind.  Blown.Tumblr_mrlgnaiLuP1qejlczo1_500-1

The following day(…only 24 hours before competition…) the Moms were all together again, doing that excited/jealous thing they do when one girl does something cool and the others don’t.  Everyone was happy for Nia and Kalani’s Debbie Allen Experience, but Melissa planned on having her children dance where their jackets say they dance.

Which…ok.  I love Melissa, but she didn’t say much this week.

She made this face a few times, tho.  Not sure why.

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Since the Minis were still struggling with the Bollywood choreography, Nakul had asked them all to rehearse at home together.  Which they didn’t do, because Tiffanie and Mary decided to take their kids to some secret bunker somewhere and now Kerri was starting to unravel faster.

It was getting whackier by the minute, I swear.

You just know that if Debbie Allen’s sister Phylicia Rashad had been there, she would have been looking at those Moms all like..

3.-Phylicia-Rashad-The-Cosby-Show

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time for Kerri to completely lose her marbles.  Just because Holly asked the Mini Moms how their late night rehearsals had been going.

Well, that started it, anyway.

I guess Kerri had threatened to call the po-po on Tiffanie for some reason.  Tiffanie then said that Peyton was huddled up in a corner somewhere in the fetal position last night screaming for her mother.

Which Kerri didn’t handle very well.  Since, according to her version of the story, her child was sitting on her own bleepity bleepin’ lap the whole time, you stupid bleep. kerBoom.  #MicDropFace.

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Production note:  Right around here they either edited out 27 minutes of footage, or Tiffanie is the Fastest CryBaby Evah, because she started bawling her eyes out before Kerri even lost that Kardashian pucker.

cryI know, Holly.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Same.

Peyton came out in her Monster Doll makeup and looked waaaay crazy pants.  Kudos to whoever painted that mug.

But she still messed up a practice move with Gia and then Kerri melted down.

dollDance Moms “I’m Done” Contract Clause:  As previously discussed, every Mom is required to say it at least once per season.  And this week was Kerri’s time.  Big Time.

She snatched her phone and her kid (…in that order, BTW…) and plowed through the open doors and then straight into the closed elevator door.  You see that?

Not sure why she didn’t push the button like the sign says.

It was chaos.  Security guys everywhere.  Kerri was swinging her shoes around like she was at some Designer Sample Sale and needed to get traction on the marble floor before all her sizes were gone.  There was some nameless producer guy begging Kerri to stay on the show (…via Honey Boo Boo subtitles…) and even one guy in front of the ladies’ room who jumped out of his skin when he saw a 3 foot tall clown running towards him with a skeleton face and a barefoot Mom looking like Alice Cooper.

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But it was Mackenzie who saved the day.

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It’s not easy being 6 years old.  Nobody knows dat better than MackZ, yo.

Been there.  Done that.  So she took the little scary clown under her wings and told her everything was gonna be alright.  And that she knows her Mom is a loose cannon.  And that everything about the ALDC is clearly straight off the hook.

But if you stick it out long enough, you get chips at some point.

bad-makeup-GIFFull disclosure:  I didn’t know where else to put the animation of that little girl in her crazy makeup.  It kinda goes with the story and yet makes no sense whatsoever.  It has nothing to do with the show and yet pretty much sums up the entire episode in one graphic.  So there you go.

And now we wasted so much time on all this that there’s no room for the actual competition.  Check out Nia’s makeup, tho.

nkkThe Mini duet ended up being amazing.  For such little wieners, they both did great.  They remembered the choreography and got the job done.

Nia and Kalani’s routine was insane.  Nailed it.  To a crazy drum beat.

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Side note:  There was also a 20 minute break in programming so we could watch all the ALDC girls get tanked up on sugar and show us how to do a proper Instagram selfie.  It gave me anxiety it was so hyper.  Sleepover Commercials 2.0…

Brynn and Kendall’s duet was not as equally well received, since Ashlee immediately went in for the kill again as soon as it was over.  It was the same conversation as last week, just in different outfits.

And then they all went Bollywood, baby.

nk3Fast forward:  And then it was over.

No time for results this week.  I know you Google that stuff anyway.

Kerri vowed to chillax.  Or at least try.  Ashlee vowed to push every single last one of Jill’s buttons until something bad happens.  Which it will.

Melissa vowed to remain at the studio that’s on the embroidery.  Holly vowed to keep finding new and improved opportunities for her daughter.

Nia vowed to not let those social media haters get her down.

Because, you know…#Motivators.

And that’s it until next time.  Get outta here.

Buh bye, now.

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