Posts Tagged ‘Abby Lee Miller’

Dance Moms: When Duet Drama Hits The ALDC, You Know It’s Nia To The Rescue. Here I Come To Save The Day!

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2016

mzg

 

 

Let’s be real. This stupid blog is good because of me and my kids, ok? Good luck next year, fool.

 

 

ha1

 

 

I’m just saying your mouth is full and my crackers are gone. It doesn’t take a PhD to figure it out, girl.

 

 

j

 

 

LaDuca? Umm…Wait. I know this. Gimme a minute. LaDuca. Can you use it in a sentence?

 

 

tumblr_o3e17yTNH31tb8iyko2_500

 

 

 

Siri: Call one of my lawyers, cuz if I see one more bra photo or bad hair gif on this blog, I swear…

 

js1

 

 

 

I know, right? She pays good money for someone to make her hair look like that. I just can’t.

 

 

desk2

 

 

I should probably shred this since that guy from TMZ is still going through the dumpster out back.

 

 

rash

 

 

See that one right there? That one’s gonna give me a heart attack or rash before it’s all over.

 

 

 

And….

Action!

Living On The Dance Fl—14259516atumblr_ma0jag4WYp1rdq2opo1_500a1

I swear.

That’s how fast they got the Dance Moms party started this week.

I think the screaming may have actually begun before the credits even finished rolling.

As some Mystery Stylist wearing one of those pricey Lululemon yoga tops with the little holes in the sleeves for your thumbs worked on tangling up Abby Lee Miller‘s hair just a little more, the shizz was already hitting the fan within the first 5 seconds of this week’s episode.  Something was going down between Miss Abby and a nameless office assistant and it wasn’t pretty.

Pretty Loud?  Yes.  Pretty?  No.

Abby was screaming and trying to keep the producers out of that backroom/dorm room whateverthatis living space while they stood off-camera, getting subtitled like a drug bust was going down and refusing to budge.  She screamed.  They tried to stand their ground.

She screamed some more.  They stood their ground some more.

Side note:  When your subtitles end in exclamation points, than you know somebody means business.  We’re not leaving!!!!!  We’re not doing it!!!!!  Nope!!!!!

I don’t know if that assistant got fired or quit or what, but she tore outta Dodge like the building was on fire, pushing her way through a whole bunch of people who got busted on national television for doing nothing but standing around looking at each other and holding blue First Day of School Trapper Keepers.

Do they even sell those anymore or did I just make myself sound really old?  Because proper organization is key to a successful school year, kids.  FYI.

Regardless,  the assistant took off like a missile was aimed at her blurred-out head.

And like any good military maneuver…No Starbucks Left Behind.

aldcla

Did she just steal a pen on her way out or is that her phone?

When all the dust settled, Abby finally made it into the studio, where all the Moms and kids were patiently waiting on the Pyramid of Shame.

Fashion note:  After last week’s successful Dark Denim Day, the Moms had smoothly transitioned into Black And Grey Day, inspired by my MomCrush Jill‘s superhero cape and her Storm from the X-Men leather thigh highs.  Bow Chicka Vertes, right?

a2 You go, Jill.

Storm-70s-X-MenAnd don’t read anything creepy into this, but I would totally buy a Jill Vertes Action Hero Figure and display it proudly on my bookcase next to my Dr. Holly Doll with the interchangeable HollyFaces…which you can totally buy already but I’m not telling you where because I don’t want you to have one.

Side note:  No lie.  One time someone actually Googled “Dance Moms True Facts” and found this blog.  How is that even possible?

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Needless to say, as soon as Ashlee found out that Abby’s assistant had taken her Starbucks and pen and hit the road, she immediately offered to help cover her hours at the front desk.  Which is actually a back desk now, I think.

Which segued nicely into an accusation that Melissa had butt kissed her way into Abby’s good graces over the last 6 seasons, which in turn made Melissa do this…

Wait.  What?

m1And then this and this…

mmmI’d buy a Melissa Doll, too.

Ebay Spoiler Alert:  The price will probably escalate quickly on the secondary market after the Zieglers leave the show, so you might wanna scoop up a couple asap.  It will probably be a Limited Edition 3 pack and come with a bonus puppy that has a bow on its head.

After making it clear she had never kissed Abby’s butt…evah…the producers ran a 42 minute investigative #MelissaMontage that would have made CNN proud.

#ShadyBoots.  I see what you did there.

Look.  It’s the Original Recipe Abby.

desk

What ever happened to that poor office girl?  You think she’s still in therapy?

And look at Kelly and Christi.  We love them.

fb

We should have a Caption Contest for Christi’s face to win a dance bag full of Lifetime swag, even though I think we all know exactly what she was thinking right there.

Anyway.  The Pyramid.

Bottom Row:  Brynn, Kendall, Kalani

…and Maddie.giphy copyI know.

Middle Row:  Nia Sioux and JoJo.

Which left Mackenzie on the Top!!!  Exclamation points.  Three of them.

This week, the gang was staying local and hitting up the Fierce Dance Competition just down the road.  The group routine was going to be a ‘Bitter Sweet Charity’ homage to Bob Fosse (…who Abby 😍 looooves 😍…) that required the girls learn more mature choreography…and do it in heels.

Dat’s rite.  Just like the Big Girls.  Finally.

RIP:  Mouse and Bumble Bee costumes.  It was fun while it lasted.

Kendall and Kalani scored a ‘Grifters’ con-artist inspired duet, while Maddie and Brynn would perform the second duet of the week, ‘Together As One.’  I think you’ve already figured out how this thing’s gonna play out.

As the girls got to rehearsing, the Moms all hit the bleachers and dished about Kira wanting to stay home and feed her new baby instead of being in LA putting ice packs on her daughter’s aching back.

khPoor Kalani.  Her back was KILLing her.

They also squeezed in some snark about Ashlee’s 10000% focus on Brynn’s career, making it sound as though she had left her two other sons back home with just a bowl of food on the kitchen floor like you do with your cat when you go on vacation.  But that’s not true.  And the two sons actually turned out to be a boy AND a girl, so there was a lot of misinformation going around town the last few weeks.

Melissa had just recently found out that the two boys were not actually two boys, but I’ll give Ashlee the benefit of the doubt and assume she already knew she had another daughter since they were really pig piling up on her at the end.

Not gonna lie.  It got a little uncomfortable when they started arguing about on-probation Brynn getting more opportunities than on-the-team Nia, because the whole world already knows I’m #TeamNia.  Or #NiaNation.  Or whatever the kids are calling it today.

Let’s be real.  I love her as much as I love hashtags that make no grammatical sense.

Haters:  Yeah.  #WhatSheSaid.tumblr_nsme5526OE1tb8iyko3_500The next day, we found out that Ashlee had stayed late at the studio and woven the fabric for the girls’ costumes from cotton that she and her two non-sons grew in their backyard or something.  I dunno.  She never really said exactly what it was that she accomplished during her overnight shift, but it did give Jill the opportunity to offer up a power point presentation on LaDuca Dance Shoes, which are pretty well known in the Dance World.

LaDuca.  The Rolls Royce of Magic Dance Shoes.

giphy-1Clearly, dancing in heels for the first time is a way bigger deal for dancers than it is for us non-dancers, even though I do recall wiping out a few times on my platform shoes at the Ground Round.  But that was because they used to let you throw peanut shells on the floor, thank you, not because I didn’t know how to lace up my my my my my boogie shoes.

Google it, kids.  KC & The Sunshine Band.  I don’t have the time or the energy.

LaDuca.  A soft soled, high heeled dance shoe.

shoe

LaDuca.  Because young ladies don’t dance in bare feet.  That’s just nasty.

LaDuca.  I’m pretty sure Jill even spelled it out at the end like this kid.

iridocyclytis-spelling-bee-vine-animatedLaDuca.

tumblr_nj4fgeWetz1qk08n1o1_500I love Jill.  There.  I own it.

As Kalani and Kendall rehearsed their duet, it was clear that Kalani’s sore back was not going to miraculously cure itself before the weekend’s competition.  Which couldn’t have had anything to do with choreography that required Kendall to body slam her partner into the ground multiple times and then roll over her like she was laying down hot tar.

No.  Not at all.

Long story short:  Melissa’s legal guardianship-ness (…if that’s even a word…) kicked in and she reached out to Kira for the final decision on whether Kalani should risk paralysis or try to snatch that First Place trophy before both legs went numb.

Needless to say, Kira shut that thang down.  Which left Kendall awkwardly trying to do a duet that looked remarkably like a solo for now.

Side note:  Somewhere in all this mess, the Moms decided to take a walk and go film an Old Navy commercial.  Srsly.  I’m not even joking.

Dance Moms:

oldn

Old Navy Commercial:

maxresdefault-2If you can tell me which is which, I’ll give you that swag bag AND an action figure.

The walk also gave Ashlee some alone time with Rashlee, which is my new name for Abby.  Did you see her face?  Gross.

dtI mean, besides the fact that she looked exactly like Donald Trump, Abby was also suffering from some kind of viral sumthin sumthin that made me wish we could all go back to standard def television for a few weeks.

Am I lying?  Is that not the same face?

trump_mug

Look again.  And I don’t even have Photoshop on my computer.

dtAmerica.

But what about that duet?

83467489_350x350Yaaaay!!!  Nia and her sassy cheekbones to the rescue!

niaWith less than 24 hours to go, The Artist Formerly Known As Sasha Nia took on the challenge and immediately got to work trying to sync up with Kendall while the rest of the team looked on.  Stressful, to say the least.  High hopes?   Well…

Finally, it was Showtime!

One:  Did that sign say “FREE Snacks” on the window?  Yes, please.  No wonder they go to these things every weekend.  Mama didn’t raise no fool.

Two:  Abby.

mess What the what?

She walked in like…

tumblr_o3e17yTNH31tb8iyko1_500

…and everyone was all like…

fay-wray-king-kong-1933mlthe-tingler-1-1

I know you’re not supposed to apply makeup if your skin is irritated, but I’m pretty sure it’s still ok to try and get a comb through it, ma’am.  There’s kids in the room, fercryinoutloud.

Jill and Ashlee went another round or ten before the competition started, but I was so traumatized by the whole #AbbyHair thing that I forget what they were arguing about.  I could make it up, I suppose, but that’s really not my style.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500

Anyway.

Showtime.

Once again, we wasted so much time with the goofy stuff that there’s barely room for the actual performances.  You know how we do.

Nia and Kalani did as well as could be expected with no rehearsal time and enough pressure to turn a lump of coal into diamond studs.  Even though they only had a few flubs, Kalani was embarrassed, Nia cried and everyone argued about who let who down, even though nobody let anybody down.

I let you down.  No, I let YOU down.  No, I let YOU down.  No, I let YOU down Infinity.

Thankfully, they hugged it out before this thing turned into a 2 hour episode.

Side note:  I heart Holly so much when she makes everything all better.

Maddie and Brynn also had their share of on-stage bloopers when their music cut off.

Again?  Are you kidding me?

mkvI guess all the money these places are losing by handing out free food every week cuts into the maintenance of their technical equipment, because the sound sure cuts out a lot on this show.  Or maybe it’s just me.

Side note:  I like the way Maddie ended the dance by pretending to bite Brynn in the neck and open up that artery that goes straight to her brain.

Check it out.  Brynn’s all like WTF?  We didn’t rehearse this part.

tumblr_o3e1g8X80A1tb8iyko2_500There’s only one Maddie, mmmkay?  Don’t make her Mom say it again.

Backstage, even Kendall got a little mouthy and accused Donald Trump of setting her and Nia up to fail in their duet.  Oh, snap.  Then everyone piled on Abby again for a couple of minutes before the group number hit the stage.

hr

Which.  Was.  Awesome.  Sauce.

Bob Fosse would be proud.  They looked so grown-up and I felt so old.  It was awesome.

Kendall and Nia still eeeked out a Second Place spot, despite the goobers, which left room in the First Place slot for Maddie and Brynn.

And the ALDC group routine?  First time on heels calls for a First Place trophy!

Back in the makeup room, it all went down again one last time before the closing credits.

In this corner:  Ashlee vs. anyone who would listen.

Don’t talk about my kid.  Don’t talk about MY kid.  I’m not talking about your kid.  Yes, you are.  No, I’m not.  Over and over and over.

And over.

Until Melissa broke the fourth wall (…that’s TV Talk, BTW…it’s kinda my thing…) by declaring that “This show is good because of me and my kids, ok?  So just saying…”

OhNoSheDin’t.

Not the fourth wall!

Exclamation point.

tumblr_inline_nozz7yRyyC1seyqdu_500This can’t be good.

And now she’s done?  Because that’s what she said before she left the room.

Just like that, Melissa was gone.

And it was over.  For now.

Uh oh.

To be continued…

jj

Dance Moms: It’s My Welcome Home Party And I’ll Charleston If I Want To. That’s Right, ALDC…Maddie’s Back!

Wednesday, February 24th, 2016

md1

 

 

I thought they’d all be hanging from the chandelier when I got back. Or at least that crazy new Mom.

 

 

a4

 

 

It’s Bubble Bath Time, ladies! First Mom to scrub my back scores their kid a fresh new solo.

 

 

h4

 

 

Girl, pleez. You think I’m going anywhere near water with this new hair? She can Charleston all day.

 

 

tumblr_lgc0qwxzDk1qcy5h6o1_500

 

 

 

 

 

#SLAY.

 

 

 

ak

 

 

 

And no more boys for you…unless their Dad is hot. And then you still have my number, right?

 

 

js1

 

 

I must need another new battery in this damn hearing aid, cuz I swear she just complimented Nia.

 

 

m2

 

 

Yo. Anyone know if those Minis are ever coming back? Cuz I’m totally calling all those juice boxes.

 

 

 

 

Relax.

I know Jessalynn doesn’t wear a hearing aid.  It was a joke.

Really.  It was.  So let’s not start off on the wrong foot, because there is way more important Dance Moms shizz to worry about this week than why Miracle Ear products are always getting slammed online for short battery life.

Like the return of Maddie Ziegler, for instance.  Because she’s baaaaaack!

tumblr_m9fpxdDEXy1r7dslf-1I know, right?  Everyone got a little emotional.

After being MIA long enough to remake the entire original Star Wars trilogy, Maddie was finally done filming her new movie and back at the ALDC where she belonged.

Supposedly on a full-time basis.  And supposedly for good.

Spoiler Alert:  Or at least for the rest of this season, if you know whaddimean.

And now that the team was all back together, they didn’t waste any time getting right down to bidnezz as soon as the credits rolled.  And after my MomCrush Jill got herself situated under all that fur-collared goodness she was wearing, of course.  You see that?

The struggle is real.  Ponchos are a lot of work.

j3Here she is in the same outfit with the matching chapeau.

enhanced-9448-1395080592-21And here’s Jill again, with Ashlee, right before they threw down on Dress Up Day.

hjhjvnBut today wasn’t Dress Up Day at the ALDC.

It was Dark Denim Day, apparently, which resulted in this whole situation on the bleachers.

denimDo you think they call each other in the morning?  Because I do.

Regardless, Maddie was back.

And so was Abby Lee Miller for a change.

After phoning in most of her performance last week, Abby actually showed up.

On time.  With her hair done.  And her makeup done.

And her pants on.

The only thing that seemed to be missing was her passion for the job.  Or at least that’s what the Moms felt as the conversation focused on all the drama swirling around Abby’s personal life.  And you know what I’m talking ’bout, Willis…

a1The Moms wanted Abby’s commitment to the team and the studio, which had clearly been in question ever since those TMZ app alerts started coming across their iPhones all those many weeks ago.

0205-tmz-live-launch-1-1080x608Side note:  How do you think The Artist Formerly Known As P.Diddy feels about being the follow-up story to Abby Lee Miller yelling at some poor schmo who gets paid minimum wage to make pizzas?  His shirts are marked down at TJMaxx right now, too.

Aside from wanting the correct 5 dolla make her holla toppings on her Pizza Hut deep dish, Abby also wanted Maddie to get her act together and start winning again.

Like she used to.  Before she got famous.

Maybe even…dare we say it…

1336364503hmmm-gif

…more famous than Abby?

You might wanna hold that thought for a few minutes, because sumthin’s up.

Like Melissa‘s blood pressure, for example, when she found out that Abby had not watched Maddie’s appearance on the the Ellen show, even though she sent her the link and everything.  Not cool.

Look at Melissa’s hair.  She looks like Britney Spears, right?

m3giphyPyramid Of Shame note:  There was one.  But Abby wasn’t into it.  So neither are we.

When you don’t have one every week, it kinda loses its impact.  The takeaways from the Big Reveal were a montage of Ashlee hating on all the other Moms/Kids and Kalani’s headshot at the top.

Look at how mature she is now.

khEven Melissa got a little verklempt at how fast all the girls are growing up.

britney-spears-nods-head-x-factorThis week, the gang was headed to the Dream National Dance Competition in San Diego, where three…count ’em…THREE girls would perform solos.

Sasha Nia You In My Way Boo Sioux scored a musical theater meets Liza Minnelli meets (…Spoiler Alert…) prohibition house flapper girl routine entitled ‘Money Makes The World Go Down’ while Mackenzie would be pleading ‘Don’t Take My Fire’ in an acrobatical number.

Which is possibly even less of an actual word than last week’s ‘pathetical.’

It happened fast, but I think right around here was when Abby might have even said something nice about Nia.

But like I said, it happened so fast that I may have made it all up in my head.

And for the third solo, Nurse JoJo was going to show no ‘Mercy’ and kill someone with a tranquilizer dart just for laughs.  So we also had that to look forward to, I guess.

I swear.  That chick always gets the whacky s***.

jjiAnd speaking of saving the environment and recycling…

NEA_recycling_bins,_Orchard_Road…the group routine was going to be a rewind of Season One’s ‘Sinful.’  Except that now the kids were bigger and it was called ‘7 Deadly Sins’ because why not.

Sinfuldm-2Look at how tiny they were back then.

Side note:  I hope that’s the right dance.  If it’s not…they’re still tiny.  And cute.

Abby called it a reworking of a classic routine.

a

Holly made this #HollyFace for three days straight and called it ‘Laziness.’

hfYou decide.

The next day, as the girls got to rehearsing, the Moms kept trying to figure out what was up with Abby this week.  Was she into it?  Was she phoning it in again?

The Short Version:  With only two days to go now, everyone was starting to think that maybe Abby was jealous of Maddie’s success.

Wait.  What?

Jessalynn figured that Abby couldn’t handle the fact that the student was now more famous than the teacher.  Maddie’s skyrocketing success had pretty much left Abby behind in the exhaust fumes.

Jess also still had fur from Jill’s poncho in her eyes 24 hours later, the poor thing.  Look at her trying to dig it out before she goes blind.

jess

Ashlee smelled blood in the water as Maddie struggled with getting her mojo back.  Could this be Brynn‘s time to shine?  To…I dunno…steal the spotlight, maybe?  Hmmm.

ashMelissa kept chewing her nails like this.  All that acrylic in your gut can’t be good for you.

mnAnd Holly made that #HollyFace again.

hfAnd then one more time.

hfUntil Abby tried to make Nia do the Charleston in her Teen Division competitive dance routine, that is, and then she couldn’t even make a #HollyFace she was so horrified.

So she just sat there all like…

h1…while her brain flashed back to her only daughter twerking and barking like a dog and wearing a Soul Train afro.  And now you want a Charleston?  Really?

750ofI don’t think so.

Holly busted into the studio.  Abby was all like Whatever.  Holly was all like Are You Kidding Me?  Abby was all like I’m The Boss.  Holly was all like...  

tumblr_o30s3x83vh1tb8iyko1_500-1

You go, Holly.

Honestly, that stupid gold foam core star on the door is so dinged up already that somebody needs to take it down before I book a flight to LA and do it myself.  Then maybe I’ll be able to pay more attention to all these doorway tirades.

Thank you for your attention to this important visual eyesore.

And then we entered an alternate reality for the second time this week.

giphy 0e9dfbf73b8786409725a133ca122c32Abby.  Complimented.  Nia.  Again.

I know.

tumblr_mlrrd9sVdJ1r3ty02o1_500Same.

When I came to, it was already the next day…a3

…and Abby was wearing a towel on her head for some reason.

It’s true.  She walked out of that storeroom/dorm room/deli space behind the studio with a wet towel on head like she just spent the morning at the ALDC DaySpa or something.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500

I dunno.

Full disclosure:  I think I’m partial to the original version from a few seasons back, only because there were so many donuts in the background.  And she had more of an evening wear kind of thing going on back then, which was très urban.

But let’s be honest.

She had more of everything going on back then, if we’re keeping it real.

Andy-Dwyer-Shock

But both versions are equally insane.  Don’t you worry.

a11Finally..and thankfully…it was Showtime!

Well, after the Best.  Commercial.  Break.  Ever.  that is.

Did you flip channels too fast or did you see it?  The Weight Watchers commercial?

With Oprah?

OPRAH.

oLOVES.

o1BREAD.

o2I mean.  LOVES.  BREAD.

What the what was that?

I gave me such anxiety I had to carbo load before bed just because Oprah said so.

And now I want to gain weight just so I can lose it again with Oprah.

You get bread.  You get bread.  You all get bread!

oprah6tumblr_lfddqaTh8Z1qb5hu9I think Holly summed it up best with what is now my second favorite #HollyFace ever.

h5WTF?

And then it really was Showtime.

For some reason, little Brynn wasn’t even listed in the program because she was on probation.  Or her mother was on probation.  Or Abby was just being mean.

It wasn’t really clear.

Side note:  Gianna was around this week, but I guess she wasn’t mic’d because we never heard her speak.  I like her even though she doesn’t have those ombré tips anymore.

JoJo was first out for solos in her crazy nurse garb.  She killed it…no pun intended.

jj2

And then, as if TWO Nia compliments on top of Oprah yelling at me in my pajamas wasn’t enough…Mackenzie was not wearing pig tails.  At all.  I swear.

mk

mk1

Somehow in the last two weeks, our little MackenzieBoo mouse had grown up and was now strutting around with Ariana Grande hair and a sassy attitude to match.  She even did a questionably inappropriate but appropriately cute lick yo’ finger and sizzle it on your butt move at the end of her routine.

Like I do when I’m trying on new pants at Banana Republic.  Because, yes…now it’s possible to wear skinny jeans even if you love bread.

Right?

anigif_enhanced-23028-1391020806-1

abNia finished up the trifecta in style, even though Holly knew the dance was not set up to be a competitive teen solo.  But Nia did what she could with as little as Abby had given her and made us all proud.  #TeamNiaNation.

nHer #SideEye will always be better than her Charleston, tho.  Which is as it should be.

The group routine was great, even if it was recycled.

Watching them grow up so fast is always kind of sad, but now that these girls don’t fall down as much and can keep hats on their heads, I gotta say they’re pretty good at getting the job done.

maxresdefault

They rushed through the awards pretty quickly, probably because someone was afraid the BoyBand emcee was gonna rip out his shirt if it got any tighter.

Ok, dude.  I see what you did there.  We get it.  You work out.photo-2938

And you know he’s totally somebody’s gym crush.  California does like it’s ManCandy.

The Awards:  JoJo only stabbed her way to Third Place, which was still great.

Ariana/Mack snagged First Place and pretty much did another backflip for finally winning the top spot.  And Nia came in Fourth, which made me sad but sometimes you get what you get when your choreography is lower than the bar you set for your students.

b

Because that’s how the argument went after it was all said and done.

Holly got on Abby’s case and called her out on a whole laundry list of issues, which she couldn’t really deny.  And she didn’t try to.  At all.

She even…wait for it…

giphy…kinda, sorta apologized.

Apologized.

What show am I even watching right now?

And Abby cried again.

ch

And then it was over, because everyone had to form a search party before it got dark to try and track down all those Minis that have been missing for two weeks.

Really.  Is that not a thing anymore?  What ever happened to all those little buggers?

Unless we hear something back in the morning, I guess that’s all she wrote for another week, kids.  I’ll keep you posted.

Let’s do it again soon.

tumblr_n5amp11Kjk1to8b7io1_500

Dance Moms: The ALDC’s About To Put Some Phunk In Dat Steampunk. It’s Debbie Allen To The Rescue Again!

Wednesday, February 17th, 2016

hw

 

 

If you two just stay cute and clean up all this crap, Mama will sit here and do your homework for you.

 

 

ww (2)

 

 

Srsly with this cup in my shot again? Why can’t they pay for a commercial like everyone else?

 

 

jail1

 

 

It’s been awhile since Accounting, but I think whatever you erase just kinda goes away…

 

 

niaguns

 

 

 

Contour all you want, but you ain’t never getting my #HollyArms. They’re a work of art, Baby.

 

car

 

 

 

Whoa. I specifically asked for hot sauce in my bag. Beyoncé got hot sauce in her bag, swag. Gurrl…*

 

 

kkg

 

 

I’m going on four weeks with no sleep and a leaky pump. You sure you wanna do this right now?

 

 

dalazy (1)

 

 

I know that heifer didn’t just call me Lazy, cuz I will rip that car door right off the hinge.

 

 

 

*Before we even begin:

Drumroll, please.giphy-1

If you didn’t get that opening Beyoncé Super Bowl reference, it already means we’re gonna have trouble this week.  Imma need y’all to stay up to date on your pop culture or we can’t be friends anymore.

Also.  This is Queen Bey breaking in new shoes.giphyThis is you.

IMG_1650Any questions?

Good.  Now on to Dance Moms.

So you want Fame?  Again?

Chile, pleez.  Who doesn’t?  But it’s still gonna cost you.

And right here is where you keep paying.  Financially and emotionally this time.

So just have a seat.

And sit like this if you don’t mind…

DebbieAllen-Fame …because (…YAAAAAAAAS, Gawd!…) Debbie Allen is back!

Dat’s rite.  It was Miss Allen to the rescue once again as Abby Lee Miller continued the long, slow process of losing all her mental marbles…one by one…thanks to all the shizz that you keep seeing on the TMZ app.

Melissa and my MomCrush Jill were the first to find Abby this week, hunkered down in that crazy backroom/bedroom/storage room situation, unexplainably surrounded by a bunch of school boys and clutter.

Take Your Neighbor’s Son To Work Day, I guess.

As Abby struggled with what was either the NYTimes crossword puzzle or a page ripped out of one of those Barnes & Noble Sudoku books (…it was hard to tell…) a bunch of random child laborers were busy organizing sequined tube tops and who knows what else into more of those plastic Target bins.  Like when the Backstreet Boys used to have to do odd jobs to pay for their first demo cd.  Except nothing like that, probably.

With her hair up in those invisible, make-believe hot rollers again, Abby was a mess.

aWith an “ongoing incident” involving $170, 000 that (…allegedly…) may or may not have vanished in the Bermuda Triangle, Abby clearly had more important things on her mind than setting up the latest Pyramid of Shame.  Despite Melissa and Jill’s urging, she couldn’t be bothered this week.  Sorry.  Not gonna happen.

She did cry a dramatic single tear, which I have never been able to recreate even tho I attempt it every time something doesn’t go my way.

Wait for it.

tIt’s coming.

t2

There it is!

t2Just like in the soap operas.

cries-in-spanishDespite all of Melissa and Jill’s attempts at coaxing Abby out of the backroom, she wasn’t budging.  Even when the rest of the Moms joined in on the rally…nuthin.

It was like on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom when that guy used to stick his whole head into a gopher hole and only came back out with a bloody nose.  Some times you just have to cut your losses before you lose any eye.

Side note:  In a moment of hilarity, Jessalynn told Gianna that Abby looked exactly like Gia always does every morning at 7:10am.  I’m just gonna leave that one right here and you can decide if it was meant as point of reference or an insult.  Your call.

Abby’s cup totally matches all the crap in the back, BTW.

a1Since Pyramids aren’t Gia’s thang, we scooted right into assignments for the week.

The ‘Well-Oiled Machine’ group number was going to be a steampunk-themed dance that would include Maddie if she ever decided to show up again.  That movie was certainly taking long enough.  I’m pretty sure the new Star Wars movie wrapped up faster.

Clever Segue Dept.:  This is what R2-D2 would look like if he were steampunk-ed.

awesome_steampunk_creations_640_01

Side note:  The movie 9 was a cute movie if you still need a kinda sorta family-friendly Netflix example of steampunk.  Little kids won’t understand any of the end-of-the-world depressing stuff, but they’ll totally want a couple of these stuffed beanbags with eyes.

And the animation is insane.  Look at these little guys.

tumblr_lzs62gIMx61r054yr

Kalani and Brynn both scored solos.  Since the gang was headed to Arizona for this week’s Sheer Talent Competition (…and Phoenix was Kalani and Brynn’s hometown…) you could already tell where the bulk of the drama would be coming from this week.

Kalani was excited to see her Mom after all this time (…Spoiler Alert:  Kira‘s back!…) while Brynn just started doing this a lot.

bPoor little nugget.  This whole Maddie Stand-In thing is going to give her a stroke.

Which Wich Sighting/Drinking Game Alert:  That yellow cup was back again.

wwLifetime is giving away coupons for FREE Which Wich sammies if you find all 27 times the logo cup showed up in this episode.  Let’s make it a game until the network sues me.

They Said It Would Never Happen Dept.:  You might wanna sit down again, because the Moms all just agreed on something.  I swear.  All of them.  Even Jill and Ashlee, who hate each other.  But not as much as Ashlee hates Kira.  And vice versa.

Every last one of the Moms agreed that the girls would be better off rehearsing at Debbie Allen’s studio if this was how Abby was gonna play it this week.  They were going to go where they were wanted.

So Jill called all the kids into a quick family meeting and told them they were packing up their gear (…subliminal steampunk foreshadowing…) and heading outta Dodge for the week.

JoJo was all for it.

jj

Kendall looked like she was having a BrynnStroke even though she wasn’t really.

I’m not sure what that was all about.
kk

 Mackenzie is still on the show, FYI.

mzAnd Nia was straight up Whatever.  #OverItThankYou.

overitSide note:  When did our little Sasha Nia get so big?  Look at her.  Boo all growed up, yo.

niaAnd then Brynn did this again.

b1Side note:  Naturally, Holly still had Debbie Allen in her speed dial, so just to be on the safe side I made sure my phone was fully charged.  Because, you know…“DE–“ is pretty close to “DA–“ and I didn’t want to miss Holly’s call if she #ButtDialed me by mistake.

Because I’m pretty sure I’m in her speed dial, too.

giphy-2

Or not, maybe.

Needless to say, the trip to Debbie Allen’s Dance Academy was beyond inspirational.

Miss D was all like ‘Halleloo’ and ‘Discover The Narrative’ and wearing this…

da (1)…and doing this…

da3…and going ‘YAAAAAAAAS!’ like I don’t know what.

da1YAAAAAAAAS!  YAAAAAAAAS!  YAAAAAAAAS!  And…YAAAAAAAAS with a fan!

i_B3_P20i2_SGu9_OSide note:  In all the excitement to get to Debbie Allen’s crib, I may have forgotten to mention all the nasty texts that Kira (…allegedly…) had been sending Ashlee (…who she hates…) because Ashlee (…who hates Kira…) had (…allegedly…) said nasty things about Kira and Kalani (…who nobody hates…) and that had now spiraled so far out of control that Lifetime will probably have to bail on the Which Wich freebies in order to payroll additional security when Kira comes off maternity leave.

**@!#!*#@@!**

kg1

Yeah.  What she said.

And then we came back from a commercial break and I swear they skipped an entire day of filming, because Maddie was already back.  And Kira was back.  And everyone was already in Arizona at Kira’s Adage Dance Studio.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500

Exactly.

Even Abby was in Arizona.  Because it’s a dry heat.

And because she wanted to pout and complain and get all up in e’rrybody’s grill without having to actually participate in any of the dance-related activities leading up to the competition.

She did , however, show up in the parking lot with a bag full of tasty lettuce wraps.  After getting her roots done, of course.  But before getting her eyelashes glued on.

#GospelTruth.

You can’t make this show up.  You just can’t.
eat2Did you see her eating?  She kind of chews like a bunny.

MjdPanhSomething about her cheeks, I think.eatNobody could believe she flew all the way to Arizona to eat lettuce wraps.  Which must be pretty tasty if you’re gonna fly all the way to Arizona just to eat lettuce wraps, right?  I don’t even like putting my pants back on to go across the street for a slice of pepperoni.

So you go, Arizona.  You and your tasty lettuce wraps just go.

I’m not even going to address the part where Abby called Debbie Allen lazy.

Side note:  Jess’s faces are starting to give me Life.  What the what did she just say?

jjss

Q.  Anyone else notice all the stuff going on in Kira’s studio?  All the photos and writing and chalkboard artwork everywhere you looked?  Someone even drew a Cat-In-The-Hat hat on the blackboard for some reason.  Except it was purple.

kgYou could tell Holly was getting some baaaaad SchoolDaze flashbacks.

hAnd everything was labeled with hot pink paper from Staples.

Every.  Thing.

Even the water in a vending machine that was clearly designed for dispensing beverages made out of water was labeled ‘water.’

That’s just crazy.  Who does that?

AQToh-1450285111-575-blog-batmanlabels

Besides Batman, I mean.

Finally it was Showtime!

And time for Kira to show up a few minutes late because she was out back pumping gas at the Exxon station and the credit card machine wouldn’t accept her new card.

Because that’s totally what she was talking about, right?

Otherwise, she came into that backroom sharing way too much information for me that close to my bedtime.

Oh.  And Ashlee called out Kira for her 3 Baby Daddies and criminal record.

427I know, right?  El Morte.

Which doesn’t even make any sense but it’s the only Spanish I know.

Jill was like Pleeeez…

satan

…but Ashlee was trying to be all like…

tumblr_nwb9htabMV1ujoffjo1_500..and then it was nothing but screaming and yelling about boob jobs and credit fraud and who hated who the most while Abby just sat there reading the Sheer Talent program book wondering what was taking the damn waiter so long to come over to her table.

menuQ.  Srsly.  Did she even know where she was this week?

Kira swore some more, called Ashlee pathetical (…which, BTW…turns out to be a real word after all…) and then went tearing out of her own studio before the show even started.

No wonder she’s always in the back pumping gas.

That’s a lot of miles on the car if you’re gonna keep driving back and forth between your house and your business every time somebody pushes your buttons.

It all makes sense now.

Side note:  Baby Jett got cuter this week.  What a niblet.  Go creep her Facebook.

And then…finally…it was really Showtime!

And Daycare time, apparently, because the first two rows of the auditorium were filled with kids holding Care Bears and not paying attention to anything that was going on around them.  You can get plenty of gas when you need it, but I guess babysitters are in short supply in AZ this time of year.

Kalani nailed her solo.  Nailed.  It.kh

Brynn did great, too.  But she seemed a little…little…after seeing Kalani’s long legs.

Look at her with all those Little House On The Prairie braids going on.  Can’t you just see her screaming for Pa when the horses get loose?  I love Brynn.  So cute.

b.2tiff

I think I forgot the part where Kira supplied all the steampunk costumes for the group routine since Abby had emotionally checked-out for the week.  My bad.

They looked great (…and the gear-centric stencil makeup was amazeballs…) but the girls were all wearing different styles of shorts, which Abby noticed when she finally took her head out of the Chéz Adage menu.

sp

Luckily, she miraculously had a steampunk steamer trunk full of ziplock bags stuffed with matching booty shorts in the perfect burgundy accent color.  Really.  I swear.

A Bag O’ Shorts.  Outta nowhere.

Rewind the DVR.  If I’m lying, I’m dying.  And I thought I was the only one who liked to keep my booty shorts as water-tight as farmers market veggies.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500

Don’t ask.

Holly couldn’t believe that everyone was worrying about costumes 30 seconds before the music started when they could have been figuring it all out three days ago before Abby melted down.  Good job this week, Ms. Miller.  Good job..

Then there was some more screaming.

And another one of those chaotic Girl Talk commercials where JoJo told me how to pack a dance bag for a sleepover and sit in my splits while I’m watching TV.

Ok.

As if.

ar

That’s the face I make when someone tells me to sit in a split.  Ashlee just stole it.

The Awards:  Kalani took First Place.  But Brynn didn’t place.  And there was clearly a third Kendall solo sumthin sumthin that ended up on the editing room floor, because KK was running all around the stage wearing a sash and beauty pageant crown that was way too small to be her mother’s.

Full Disclosure:  Haters gonna hate, but I heart the Vertes family.  Check out Mama in this lil numbah.  You know she knows she looks gooooood.

jcs

And the ALDC group routine snatched First Place!  And they deserved it.

It was tough.  Sharp.  Aggressive.  With a funky grinding gear sound that made it extra steampunkish, which is just as much a word as pathetical, thank you very much.

tumblr_o2o3fiXlaP1tb8iyko1_500And then it was over.

Abby was just as vague about next week as she was last week about this week.  And made about as much sense as that sentence just did.

Maddie was back for good.  Which meant that Brynn was on probation now.  Which meant that Ashlee was on probation.  Which meant that next week was almost certainly guaranteed some more Mama Drama fo’ sho’.

Q.  Didn’t this show used to have Minis?  Wait a minute…

Never mind.  It’s late.

For now, it’s time for all us steampunks to go home.

See you next time.

Buh bye.

tumblr_m6eds12VfM1r054yr


%d bloggers like this: