Posts Tagged ‘Abby Lee Miller’

Dance Moms: What We Need Is A Girl Party. And Stronger Butt Glue. Can’t We All Just Get Along For Once?

Wednesday, February 19th, 2014

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Woman…Imma seriously ’bout to pop off if you don’t stop touching my weave right now.

 

 

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It’s sad those two girls aren’t getting along. Plus it totally f***s me over for the Wednesday carpool.

 

 

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They showed her pulling my hair on TMZ and now everyone thinks I’m Lindsay Lohan.

 

 

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Sup? Just chillin’ in the stockroom with my homie M. Diddy, laying down some dope a** tracks.

 

 

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I’m trying to take a freakin’ selfie. Don’t you all be standing behind me rolling your eyes. I see you.

 

 

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Acting like that around the girls isn’t healthy for anyone. Especially after I slap her.

 

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I really can’t right now. My scarf’s all messed up and I’ve got butt glue in my damn eye again.

 

 

 

Well, it’s been 7 days.

The drama may not have subsided any, but at least the swelling has gone down.

After being finger poked, slapped and dragged around the makeup room during last week’s Pay-Per-View MamaMania Rumble, Abby Lee Miller seemed to have recovered quite nicely and was already back to her old ways.

Dance Moms was back in business.

And now it was up to the remaining members of the ALDC Team to deal with the fall out.

Kelly was gone.  Brooke was gone.  Paige was gone.

All because Mom had proven that Krazy ain’t just a hairstyle when she attacked Abby backstage after last week’s competition.  Or allegedly, anyway.

You’ve seen it on TMZ.  You’ve seen it on this site.  You’ve even seen it on the special extended Choreographer’s Gonna Cut You episode.

Self defense?  Assault?  Hormones?  Who knows.

But the Hylands were gone.  At least for now.  Which left a couple of warm seats for new recruit Kalani to fill if Mom Kira had any say in the matter.  Game On.

This week started out calmly enough at the front desk with Abby explaining to front desk girl Rachel that Kelly was no longer allowed anywhere near the front desk.  The kids were off the Team and a formal letter needed to be sent out asap on official ALDC front desk letterhead to make sure that Kelly kept her distance.  Abby was very clear on her expectations and what needed to be done to keep Kelly on the other side of Pittsburgh.

What she didn’t explain very well was why everyone at the ALDC seemed to be wearing their hair up in those Asia Monet Ray buns lately and why there was a random Boy Band dude sitting behind them holding a closed laptop.  That’s not very productive.

I’m sure he was some kind of young BoyToy assistant to Abby (…Mama does like her snacks to come with an extended expiration date…) but this guy’s hair was just way too perfect and that always makes me suspicious.  Plus he kept leaning in like one of the girls trying to get in on the gossip.

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Dude.  Go plug in your Macbook Air.  That restraining order isn’t gonna type itself.

Once Abby got her front desk ManCandy under control, it was time for this week’s Pyramid of Shame.  And Jill‘s newly tinted hair, which appeared to be a shade or two redder than normal, unless my TV was acting up again.

Bottom row this week had two especially humiliating spots reserved just for Brooke and Paige.

Wait.  What?  They don’t even work there anymore.

Go figure.  If you don’t even have to be on the payroll to get your headshot up on the mirror, I’m totally FedExing an 8×10 over to Abby this afternoon.  Look for me on the top next week.  I’ll be the one with the snappy bow tie.

Nia and Chloe were also on the bottom.  I guess Nia goofed up something in the group routine last week that I hadn’t even noticed while Chloe’s Mom drives Abby crazy enough to get her stuck in the basement again.

Spoiler Alert:  Christi is the new Kelly.

The mezzanine was held down by Kendall and the Zeiglers.  Kendall did an odd little finger tip baby clap that I found amusing while Mackenzie and Maddie just kind of stood there all confused why one of them wasn’t on top.

That meant that the peak of the Pyramid was reserved for newbie Kalani, which kind of made Maddie’s mouth hang open and Mom Melissa‘s left eye twitch a little.

This week the gang was headed to Woodbridge, VA for their first ever FIERCE National Dance Competition.  You Bettah Werk.

Spoiler Alert#2:  False Advertising.  No Drag Queens.

As a reward for stepping up and going into full blown Crisis Mode during last week’s fisticuffs, Abby gave Holly and Nia a solo.  Well, Nia.  You know what I meant.

For those of you with short term memory issues, there was a quick flashback to Flight Attendant Holly getting all large and in charge as Kelly threw a beat down on Abby’s head.

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“Girls!  Out of the room!  Girls!  Out of the room!  Girls!  Out of the room!”

I swear they enhanced the audio this time around, though, because now Holly was screaming louder than last week and her voice was cracking and she was freaking out like aliens had just landed in the back yard and set the barn on fire.

“Girls!  Save the horses!  Girls!  Save the horses!  Girls!  Save the horses!”

It was madness, I tell you.  She got me so wound up that I heaved a trash can through the window at Best Buy and stole a new air conditioner.  I didn’t know what else to do I was so scared.

Crime is never the answer, kids.  Remember that.

But it’s all good.  She calmed herself down and now Dr. Beyoncé was all Boots & Buns this week, which should totally be a Miranda Lambert song if it’s not already.

Chloe and Maddie scored a duet, which meant that they would be forced to perform together even though they were technically and temporarily no longer friends, thanks to that whole Lying About The Duet thing that went down last week.

Kendall and Kalani were also handed a duet, which opened up a whole other can of Dancing Up/Dancing Down worms.  Oy vey.

As the girls all started rehearsing their Yum Yum Musical Theater group number, the Moms hit the MomPerch to grill Kira a little more and give Christi another opportunity to snark on Melissa’s (…alleged…) extra marital affairs.  Oh, snap.  She went there again.

Christi refused to smile or discuss Kelly’s situation no matter how many times the Moms asked for deets.  She was more than happy to yell and argue, but clammed up every time someone asked about Kelly.

Somehow in the midst of all the fighting and accusations of lying about duets and cheating on taxes, Melissa switched gears and invited everyone over to her home for wine and cheese.  Because snacks always make everything all better.

Christi politely declined,which meant more booze for everyone else.  Girl Party!

Two quick notes on the get together and then we’ll move on.

One.  Are these Moms contractually required to shop at HomeGoods?  I’m being serious.

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Remember Kelly’s basement family room?  And now Melissa’s living room.  I swear I saw a cash register in the background.

Two.  Holly was drinking diet Coke.  Which left three other Moms with three ginormous bottles of wine on the table.  And it was like 11 o’clock in the morning.  You do the math.

Back at the ALDC, Mackenzie and delightfully whacky Voice Coach Cathie were crammed into some supply closet or stockroom or something working at one of those folding electric organs that you always pull out during family reunions.  Turns out that the artist formally known as little Kenzie was now called L’il K and would soon be heading to Los Angeles to record a few rap songs.

You can’t make this stuff up.

All I know is that Snoop Puppy suddenly had an album release party scheduled and that Abby knew all the words to her Girl Party song as she and Cathie shoulder rolled their way through squeaky beatz that sounded like they should be coming out of a sock puppet on a PBS show.  Cathie even said “Groove,” which totally gave me life.

Cathie’s keyboard and scoop neck top both came from QVC.  You can quote me on that.

As rehearsals progressed, Christi continued to distance herself from the rest of the Moms, which made Holly want to pull out her own new hair.  But Girlfriend ain’t messing with that investment.  Remember her old lady plastic bonnet the day it was drizzling outside?

More importantly:  Can the kids hear the Moms argue while they are down in the studio?  I still don’t really understand how that works, because sometimes it seems like the Moms hear what Abby is saying and sometimes it appears that the girls can hear the Moms losing their nutty.  But how could they find the 8 count in the music if Christi is always squawking over the boom box?  Somebody needs to explain this one to me, because it drives me crazy.

With one day to go before competition, Abby finally decided to teach Nia her solo.  I don’t know why she constantly bones our girl every week.

I also don’t know why she continues to hand Nia these borderline ethnic routines.  I thought we were done with all that?  Not that she can’t rock it out.  It is the International Year of the Nia, after all.

But again with this head wrapped Going Down In The River dance?

Not River Dance.  River dance.  There’s a difference.  LaQuifa Whaaat?

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But we got a couple of really good SuperMom pep talks and that always gives me warm fuzzies.  Holly always has it under control, whether her hair is up or down.

Finally, it was Showtime!  FIERCE Showtime.

They capitalize it.  So you know they mean business.

They can’t update their Facebook cover photo in a timely manner.  And the link to ‘2014 Competitions’ doesn’t work on their website.  But at least the Cap Key is functioning.

Yes.  I check those kind of things.  I’m a journalist, thank you.

Backstage, the Moms were in their usual pre-game tailspin.  Except for Christi, who sat all by herself like some New Girl in the cafeteria hating Life on her first day of school.

Bonus points were given for Holly’s Side Eye while Christi ignored everyone’s cries for help.  Sitting there on your a** trying to get to the next level of Candy Crush?  Not cool.

As Melissa and Holly struggled to securely attach Nia’s head wrap, you just knew this wasn’t going to end well.  Headgear and the ALDC go together about as well as me and Quantum Physics.

Right as the girls headed to the stage, Christi decided to perk up and started picking at Nia’s head wrap.  Something about tucking a piece of the fabric underneath so you couldn’t see the raw edge that was cut, even though it was butt glued to her face.

Yeah.  Butt glue.  On her face.  Instead of her butt.

Been there.  Done that.  No fun.

Kendall and Kalanie’s duet went great even though more lights were facing the audience than the dancers on stage.  Anyone else notice that?  You had to literally squint to watch the show.  It was like watching TV in a tanning bed.

And no backdrop at all this time.  No tacky light projection or nothing.  Just black curtains.  It was fierce…but in all lower case letters.

Chloe and Maddie managed to make it through their duet without punching each other in the throat.  OMG it makes me so sad to see BFFs not LOLing.  Totes sad.

Then Nia hit the stage and wrecked it.  She did amazing, even though she had a butt glue malfunction and her head wrap slipped backwards.  It didn’t fall off and she still managed to get Down In The River, but she got really upset and cried.  Which not only made me sad, but made her butt glue get all gummy again.

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Drinking Game:  Take a shot every time I say Butt Glue this week.  It’s awesome.

Needless to say, Abby flipped a switch on Christi backstage.  If she ever puts her hand on another kid again…to the Moon, Alice.  Was it sabotage?  Hmmm…

Everything spun out of control for a second or two while Christi got dramatic and Holly stood up for Nia.  Abby then changed gears and talked to L’il Mackelmore about her upcoming recording sessions and how she should emulate role models who climb in and out of low rider automobiles with no underwear on in front of the paparazzi.

Britney and Christina.  I don’t think the underwear part was really the point of the conversation, but that was my take away.

Then the group hit the stage.  Nia got her Butt Glue-free face back and was a hoot on stage.  Boom.  Boom.  And Pow.

Before the Awards Ceremony, Jill & Co. burned off the last of those three bottles of wine with some serous MomDancing before sitting back down to try and figure out the FIERCE point scoring system.

I guess they do things differently in Woodbridge, because whether you solo, duet or run with scissors everyone gets lumped into the same age category.

Since I don’t even understand the old system, don’t expect me to explain how this one works.  Even Melissa was all WTF and she has that whole horse racing book that she brings to every competition.

All that really matters is the ALDC somehow took the top two spots.  Maddie and Chloe tied for Second and the group pulled in First Place.

Abby was happy and told Kira that maybe…just maybe…Kalani could stick around for a few more weeks.

Unfortunately, since the ALDC girls Instagram every time they go to the mall for Frogurt, all of America already knows that Kalani is sticking around.  So that conversation was a little anti-climactic.  But we get the point.

Oh.  And P.S.

Kelly was arrested.  And she’s back next week.

I know, right?

Butt Glue.

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Dance Moms: If You’re Unhappy And You Know It, Slap Your Dance Teacher. There’s Big Trouble In The Big Apple.

Wednesday, February 12th, 2014

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I just ripped this out of a little girl’s head. You seriously don’t think I won’t come for you next, lady?

 

 

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Violence is never really the answer. Except for when shoes go on final markdown at Saks. Then it’s on, bitch.

 

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Oh. And then this totally happened.

 

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I’m pretty sure I remember seeing something in the contract about not throwing a beat down on the owner.

 

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Describe that crazy hair? Really? Just watch the damn show, dude. It’s on like 50 times a week.

 

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And THAT is why I got my new hair UP. Nobody’s grabbing any of my stuff. This s*** ain’t even paid for yet, mmkay?

 

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Don’t even tell me I’m being carjacked by a freakin’ Dance Mom. Really?

 

 

 

Sorry, kids.

No witty banter and clever intro.

The shizzle got Real in the Dance Moms hizzle this week and there’s way too much too much meaty goodness to digest to waste time casually segueing into the latest episode.

It all went down in New York City this week.  Just like TMZ said it did.

They were right back when they said Justin Bieber was a douchebag.

And they were right when they said it was ALDC Madness in Manhattan.

We got to see the strength of the human spirit during a crisis.  How some step up and take charge like a Boss.  How some freeze in their tracks like a Saturday morning cartoon.

And how some just continue to put on mascara like it’s another day at the office.

Yeah.  Loads to cover.  Get a snack.  It’s super long.

So blah blah blah.  Pyramid.

As everyone bounced into the studio for the weekly Pyramid of Shame, Fake Chloe #2 and her facially rejuvenated Mom Kim were clearly MIA.  Already.

That didn’t last very long now, did it?  One competition under their belt and they were gone before noon checkout at the Ramada.  Thanks for playing, tho.

I tried to act really surprised, but it came across more like Kim’s face.  So not so much.

Before the Big Reveal (…lemme guess…Maddie, maybe?…) Abby announced that instead of bringing one or two new stragglers into the mix, she had decided to create an entirely new Junior Elite Competition Team after completing this week’s final Open Call Auditions in Noo Yawk Citaay.

Say whaaa—?  A whole new team?

There were some eye rolls, jaw drops and the music they play on Survivor right before someone eats a jungle bug.  And then the bottom row.

Kendall, Nia, Mackenzie and Real Chloe were all in the basement.

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There was some discussion about issues with last week’s duet and some other sumthin sumthin, but all that really mattered was that Holly was rockin’ an extremely fresh, tight & right new Asia Monet Ray hair bun during one of those on-camera interview bits where they show her name and then she makes a funny HollyFace.

It’s been four years.  I think we know all the Moms’ names by now, thank you.

The Pyramid Mezzanine section was filled with nothing but Hylands as far as the eye could see.  Paige.  And Brooke.  And Brooke’s All That Jazz chair.

I’m trying to decide at what age people should stop asking a young girl to do more elaborate chair dance straddles.  Is there a rule?  I think 15 years old is still ok, but somewhere between 16 and Freshman Orientation at Pittsburgh U is when you should probably hope she grows out of it and gets a real job at the mall to help pay the bills.

Maybe that’s just me.  But for now, Abby wanted more and she wasn’t getting it.

She was getting more than enough attitude from Mom Kelly early on, though.  You just stay tuned for a few more minutes.

Top row of the Pyramid was Maddie.  I attempted another unsuccessful KimFace and then we all got the rundown on this week’s itinerary.

Paige and Brooke scored solos.  Paige and Chloe scored a duet.  Paige would also be participating in the group routine.  And then, to guarantee Paige a better chance at blacking out from complete exhaustion, the Hyland posse was also invited to New York City a day early to help assist with the Open Call Auditions.

Along with Chloe and Christi of course, because when those two on again/off again BFF Moms aren’t punching each other in the throat they always come as a matched set.

Somebody else in the room did some quick math and realized that Abby had left out four of the kids from the Sheer Talent Competition checklist, but it was a false alarm.

The remaining girls would all be staying local for an extra day or two and participating in the NUVO Dance Convention right there in Pittsburgh.

That’s how you spell it.  I checked.  Be careful, tho, because the first time I Googled it I spelled it wrong and ended up on a birth control website and now I think I have at least two of the side effects from not reading the directions on the box first.

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As the Moms all hit the MomPerch to have the same conversation they had last week, the rehearsal studio was rushed by two former AUDC finalists and then some serious cross-promotional pandemonium broke out.

Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition in the house, yo!

Kalani Hilliker and McKaylee True dropped down through the air ducts or broke through the plate glass window or something.  I don’t know how they got in.  But they got in.  And once they got past security they came stampeding into the room like the some Radio Disney boys were hiding under Abby’s Lane Bryant tunic.

For those of you with short term memory issues, Kalani was Abby’s favorite during last season’s AUDC run and McKaylee was the one with the Mom who wouldn’t shut up about being from Nebraska.

Turns out that Kalani would be doing a duet with Maddie at the upcoming NUVO Convention, so she was already in town.  They kind of skimmed over how McKaylee ended up in Pittsburgh, but she’s from Nebraska.  So there’s that.

The next day, all the Moms were back upstairs doing some kind of assembly line tailoring on matching pink costumes.  I still haven’t quite figured out why one week they get these fancy special order FedEx costumes for every dance and then the next week they’re all back up in the MomPerch weaving fabric on a loom so their kids don’t go on stage with sequins hot glued to their underwear.

I dunno.

During rehearsals, Paige was already filled with self-doubt and Brooke was missing one leg of her Purple Rain lace unitard.  And you don’t even want to get me started on Abby’s spray tan in that scene.

Seriously.  You don’t.

It was like that episode of Jersey Shore when Future Snooki came back to Seaside Heights and told Present Day Snooki to lay off the macaroons.

GTL in moderation.  Write it down somewhere so you don’t forget.

McKaylee’s from Nebraska, by the way.  Did we already cover that?

Then it was off to the Big Apple.  For Open Auditions.  And complete hysteria.

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I’ve never seen so many screaming kids in onesie leotards in my life.  That had to have been way above New York State fire code.  Not to mention the rules regarding decibel limits for heavy metal concerts and construction demolition.

Seriously.  If I was working the Sheraton front desk and saw all those BunHeads piling out of a Greyhound I would have just left the room keys on the counter, turned in my name tag and hit the bar before they cut off my employee discount.

As you’ll recall, last time when Holly and Melissa accompanied Abby to Open Auditions, they got a swanky bake sale table and the Ziegler Zombies led the crowd in the group rehearsals.  This time around:  No table.  No rehearsals.  And the girls were even stripped of their ALDC logo tops.

It was right about now that someone plugged in the Kelly Keurig Coffee Maker and it started to percolate.  Is it getting hot in here?

One of the wannabe Moms mouthed off to Abby a little and talked some smack about Chloe, but it was nothing compared to the whack jobs in Atlanta so we can move on to the good stuff.

Like Showtime!  And Throw Down Time!

Sidenote: Please tell me you saw Mackenzie stop dead in her tracks and look back at some boys in the hallway when they arrived at the venue.  Oh Oh Spagetti-Os. Better keep an eye on that one, Melissa.

Paige and Brooke’s solos went just fine.  But if we’re being completely honest,  I can’t stand upside down on my neck with my legs split open like I’m uncorking a wine bottle with my head, so I don’t really know if Brooke nailed the form or not.

But from the couch it looked pretty good.

Throughout both performances, Abby trash talked the Hyland girls before sneaking off to meet Melissa in some hidden underground passageway where she spilled the beans that Kalani and Maddie’s NUVO duet might be making a surprise return in front of the judges.

Then all the Moms were in the freight elevator.  They spent a lot of time in the bowels of that building this week trying to figure out if Melissa knew whether or not the duet was happening.  And whether or not it would be judged and scored.  And whether or not Mom and Maddie were lying about any prior knowledge.

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Let’s be honest.  Seeing Jill just hanging out inside a freight elevator in stilettos was worth the price of admission.  It was like she was breaking into a Neiman Marcus through the loading dock or something.

The drama was intensifying.  So this calls for the Cliff Notes version of the recap: 

Chloe asked Maddie if she was doing the duet.  Maddie said No.  And then they performed the duet.  Which is the opposite of No.

Back in the makeup room, the confrontation got ugly.  Maddie lied.  No she didn’t.  Yes she did.  Mom flat out asked her if she lied.  No, I didn’t lie.  I was talking about the NUVO duet.  Chloe and Maddie aren’t friends anymore.  Yes you are, honey.  Apparently we’re not.  Why can’t someone invent lipstick that doesn’t get on your teeth?

Out of the blue, Abby then paraded in Kalani’s Mom Kira, who was still all half Cher and half Fake Kristie Ray just like back in her AUDC Days.  Not too much of an awkward moment there.

It was hard to tell how much Kira really knew about what was going on since she probably hadn’t even unpacked her stuff yet.  So we’ll cut her a little slack on this one since she looked a little dazed.

After Abby compared Brooke’s wonky chair dance to Kalani’s offer to hit the stage and improv a solo like a rockstar, the rest of the room all watched Kelly start to unravel.

Except for Nia.  Did you see her way in the back just putting on eye makeup like it was Picture Day at school?  I love that kid.  If TMZ is showing up, Hellz to the Yeah I’m gonna have my two coats of Maybelline on.  The camera don’t lie.

Plus, don’t forget that it’s the International Year of the Nia.

But back to Brooke.  Mom?  Any thoughts?  Well, maybe you should replace her.  Kira was trying to figure out wassup with this crazy bitch.  Abby was sitting there going See…See how she talks?

Kalani…are you in the group  number?  I don’t think so.  Do you even want to dance, Brooke?  Answer me.

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And then it happened.

Brooke sat there in dead silence wondering what happened to her phone while Abby tried to get a response out of her.  I just want your mother to stop talking for you.

Abby:  You’re 15 years old.  Grow the hell up.

Kelly:  Why don’t you shut the hell up?

It should probably be noted that throughout the entire screaming match Kelly was waving around one of those little Toddlers & Tiaras wiglets that made it look like she had just snatched somebody’s weave in a Target parking lot.  Just needed to be said.

Everybody got in everybody’s face.  Abby pointed.  Kelly pointed.  Abby tried to bite off Kelly’s finger like a State Fair corn dog.  Kelly pushed her finger into Abby’s cheek.

Wait for it.

Kelly slapped Abby.

Hard.  Not like on the Spanish channel telenovelas.  I mean a real chick fight one.  That you could hear over all the screaming.  And then Kelly lost her nutty and yanked Abby’s Lisa Marie Presley poof like she was trying to throw her to the ground in the middle of a WWE ring.

I know, right?  Whoa.

And then…chaos.

Luckily, Dr. Beyoncé was there and went into Flight Attendant Mode as soon as Kelly cracked Abby’s skull.  Girls!  Out of the room!  Girls!  Out of the room!  Girls!  Out of the room!  Girls! Out of the room!  Girls!  Out of the room!  Girls!  Out of the room!  Girls!

She literally said it 4200 times.  I counted.

It actually sounds cooler if you sing it to the tune of the Beyoncé We Run The World song.  If they ever do a Dance Moms musical, I thought of it first.

Holly was pointing to the exits at the front and rear of the plane.  Oxygen masks were deploying from the ceiling.  The room tipped right and then left.  A rogue snack cart went rolling down the aisle.  Jill even put her head between her knees and covered her body with a Louis Vuitton pillow.  Melissa sent out a couple of texts.

Christi, on the other hand, just stood there motionless like she couldn’t remember where she had parked the car on Black Friday.  Not sure what that was all about.

Call the cops!  Assault! 500 pound hog!  More crying kids.  Holly all large and In Charge.

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(Except for when she pushed Abby out of the way and ran out of the room ahead of her.  Please tell me you caught that.  Sistah ain’t no fool when the building’s on fire.)

All the Moms and kids huddled up in another one of the hidden catacomb rooms under the auditorium and shut the door in my face.  How rude.  I think the Phantom of the Opera guy even ran by in the background, but it was so fast I couldn’t be certain and the camera would never be able to find him with all those secret hallways.

Emotional scars and parental role modeling aside…what I really need to know is who was driving the getaway car?

Holly clearly has a Hall Monitor or two from her educational days working on the inside now, because she knew the cops were on their way before Abby even finished explaining to the 911 guy how Kelly gets her hair to look like that every day.

You can’t even make this stuff up.

You need to go now.  Go now.  Just go.  Trust me.  Go.  Through the back door and down this alley.  Hide in a dumpster until you hear two knocks.  Ditch your ID and you’re safe.

I don’t know what was going on, but some black SUV with no license plates suddenly squealed through the parking lot and Hyland & Co were gone before the Po Po even made it out of the station.  It was over.  Nothing to see here, people.

Oh, shoot.  Except we still had one more dance to perform.

The girls reblocked the group number.  And came in First Place.

Paige was no longer in the country, but her routine won 5th Place and Mackenzie stole her trophy right out of the MC’s hands.  Check the DVR.  She totally did and it was awesome.

Then some other kids won some other stuff.  But it really didn’t matter at this point.

The damage was done.

Dance Girls.  Dance Girls.  Whatcha gonna do?

Next week:  The Fallout.

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Dance Moms: Rejuvenate Your Face And Fix Your Feet. Will The Real Chloe Please Stand Up? Cuz It’s Old vs. New.

Wednesday, February 5th, 2014

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Seriously. Aren’t you hot in all those layers? It’s like 100 degrees in this damn studio.

 

 

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Really? That’s the best you got? My third season and we’re still goofing on Bump-Its and fur coats? Really?

 

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Siri: Find me the quickest way outta this slum. These women are wound tighter than my face.

 

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Slum? Imma ’bout to take off my shoes and show this chick the fastest route back to Vegas, baby.

 

 

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Oh. My. Gawd. I would totally pay to see that go down.

 

 

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It’s simple, really. We kill the Batman and we get a solo.

 

 

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I’m seriously ’bout to cut somebody.

 

 

 

Why so serious, Dance Moms?

Something wasn’t right in Gotham City this week as a new super villain somehow gained access to the DanceCave, threatening to shake things up for our heroines and forever change the face of the ALDC.

That’s right.  The Face of the Team was changing.

The Face of the New Mom?  Not so much.

As the episode began inside the harshly lit halls of stately Miller Manor, what should have been a celebratory start to The International Year of the Nia quickly became yet another opportunity for Abby Lee Miller to threaten all her tiny sickle footed superheroes with elimination from the Team.

Except for the Ziegler Dynamic Duo, of course, who seem to have some kind of odd autoimmune deficiency that prevents them from safely absorbing oxygen outside the perimeter of the ALDC force field.  They’re not going anywhere.

As all the tiny dancers bounced in for a new Pyramid of Shame, Abby was quick to point out that 2 out of 3 Open Call Auditions had already been completed and that very soon things could be changing around this joint.  The Free Ride was over.

Some of the girls were still with the ALDC despite their Mom having walked out of multiple performances with a serious case of Potty Mouth.  Closeup on Kelly.

Some of the girls were still with the ALDC despite their Mom having been suspended a hundred times and almost punching a cameraman or two.  Closeup on Christi.

Some of the girls were…wait…hold on.  Abby just left the room mid-sentence. 

Pause.

And then she came back.  With a New Girl!  And a New Mom!

And what appeared to be a New Mom Face!

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That’s right.  Fresh from the Orlando audition, Chloe Nguyen and her Mom Kim busted into the studio, oozing a whole lot of Las Vegas charm and Restylane filler.

The Moms and kids who could actually move their faces threw some serious shade if you want to go back and check the tape, because there were a couple of really good screen saver moments if you’re into photoshopping that kind of thing.

Especially Original Recipe Chloe Lukasiak who got all Mean Girl In Study Hall as soon as she caught a glimpse of her namesake.  Girlfriend was not amused.

Officially designated as “guests” of the ALDC, Kim and C2 were all excited to be there and couldn’t wait to accompany the gang to On Stage America in Voorhees, NJ this week.

After the Pyramid, of course.

Bottom row was full of Mackenzie, Paige, Kendall, Brooke and Brooke’s Unlimited Talk & Text Plan.  Mackenzie and her pouty face selfie pic had gotten beat at last week’s dance competition, while Paige and Kendall were there primarily to get a rise out of their Moms.  Brooke, on the other hand, didn’t even realize that she was on the bottom row until one of the other girls IM’d her with a Sad Face emoji.

Put.  The.  Phone.  Down.

Sidenote:  They didn’t show it on screen, but Kelly was squeezing one of those squishy physical therapy balls in her fist in anticipation of throwing a beat down on Abby in another week or two.  You just stay tuned for that one, ‘kay?

The midsection of the Pyramid was reserved for C1 and Maddie.  And the new girl.

Wait.  What?  She’s been on the show for 14 seconds and she’s already on the second row?  How does that even happen?

If it’s that easy, I’m overnighting out my headshot to Pittsburgh this afternoon and expect to be on the top row next week.  Abby always says that boys get higher points, right?

Top Dawg this week was Sasha Nia.  Freakin’.  Finally.

Mom Holly screamed louder than those girls did at the Justin Bieber court house.  I may have done a victory lap or two around my living room.  You’ll never know.

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This week, despite the high ranking, Nia was only given a Pieces Together duet with Kendall.  No solo.  Mom was all like Whaaa–?  Jill was all like Fur Coat and Whaaa—?

All the Chloes got solos.  C1 vs. C2: Clash of the Chloes!

And then Melissa made a soon-to-be classic internet WTF face.  Nobody swoops in and steals the Ziegler spotlight.  Nobody.

As the girls all began spending way too much time trying to teach C2 how to dance like she’s part of a Team, the Moms all hit the MomPerch to grill Kim and make fun of her face.

Turns out that Kim worked at one of those Med Spa clinics where people come out looking like they’re wearing tight ponytails even when they’re not.  She also made it sound like she had licensed plastic surgeons on pretty much every branch of her family tree, which explained the Heath Ledger smile that kind of went more sideways than up at the corners every time she smirked about dance turns and laughing gas grenades.

Rejuvenation…and a Gotham City heist?  Muuuahahahaha!

The next day Kim took a page from The Book of Jill and came to the ALDC bearing gifts for Abby, who was pretty darn excited to receive a shiny new turbo-charged skin brightening face buffer contraption.  You could tell she couldn’t wait to get home and rotary sand down a few of those beach freckles.

Warning:  If you’re catching the episode on your DVR, you may want to turn down the volume at this point because the sound of ButtKiss at the front desk was deafening.

It should also be noted that it was Super Hero Knee High Black Boot Day in the MomPerch.  I guess you never know when you’re gonna need to scoot out and fight some crime between routines.  Right ladies?

Hopefully the Moms take on the Bad Guys better than the girls took on the 1930s rehearsals.  C2 was having a rough time fitting in with the Team and it was taking time away from the duet.  The Why Not Me French Cabaret number was trés sloppé.

(I don’t think that’s really a word.)

Concerned that the duet was going to get lost in all the distraction, Holly, Jill and Jill’s feather trimmed fur coat/wrap thingamabob all headed down to the studio for a confrontation, which went about as well as you would expect an Abby Confrontation to go.

Not well.

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And for some reason it ended up with Holly and Jill doing the same Shuffle Off To Buffalo exit stage left dance that I swear I saw Lucy & Ethel do one time down at the Copacabana when Ricky wasn’t looking.

Lawd.  Those two have some ‘splainin’ to do after that one.

Sidenote:  I don’t know what was going on with Jill’s bangs by the end of that night.  If the coat is making you sweat that much, it’s ok to take it off, honey.  Really.  We’ll understand.

The next day, with only 24 hours left before the trip to Jersey, all the Moms were back up in the Perch where Kim put her white cellphone on speaker like some Real Housewife of Atlanta and started yakking it up with the owner of her former studio.

Annoying, much?

Las Vegas Jeremy started right in on Flabby Miller and her second rate dancers while Kim bragged that C2 was dancing rings around the other girls.

Memo to Kim:  1.  Wandering aimlessly in a circle is not really dancing rings around the other girls.  And 2:  Unless you’re NeNe Leakes driving around ATL in a Mercedes, put the damn phone up to your tight head.  Not interested.

Shout out to all the other Moms though, who proved that having pliable foreheads actually makes for some HIGHlarious reaction shots.

And what was up with that ginormous pile of bras and lady dainties behind Abby’s head in the studio?  Do they not even have a housekeeper on the payroll anymore?

After Jeremy finally hung up, Abby spent the next 17 minutes creating a duet for Nia and Kendall.  Not 18.  Which made Jill and Holly mad enough to corner Abby at the front desk when it was over and ask her for the real 411 on what was going down in that studio this week.

I’m not really sure what they talked about because there was so much pink going on at that front desk I couldn’t focus.  Did you notice?

That whole side wall that was all spray paint and logos and Hello Kitty bows?  Plus all the pink clutter behind the desk?  That much hot pink never used to be there back in the days when Jill was dropping off Elizabeth Arden gift sets and park benches.  Am I right?  Yikes.

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Finally, it was Showtime!

And time for all those screaming One Direction groupies with iPhones and retainers that I love so much.  Nothing really beats a good ALDC bus arrival scene.  Nothing.

Before they even unpacked the bronzer, you could cut the tension with a knife.  The last time the ALDC had been in Voorhees, Chloe lost her hat and Christi lost her marbles.  And that poor camera guy almost lost an eye.  (…“Get Away From Me!”…)

Bad memories.

So this time around, everyone was sewing in headgear like they were all going up against gravity in the Space Shuttle.  Except for Kim, of course, who didn’t appear to know what she was doing.  It was just hard to tell for certain since her confused face looked a lot like her happy face.  And her angry face.  You see where this is going…

It would be so easy to make a joke right now about how if ANYone in that room should know about needles it should be C2′s Mom…but the other Moms kind of stole my thunder on that one.  Plus I think we can all agree that we’re probably maxxed out on facial rejuvenation jokes at this point.

So Melissa came to Kim’s rescue with her multi-purpose fishing lure/sewing kit container and showed our helpless housewife how to securely attach sparkly things to human flesh.

It’s not rocket science, people.

While the two of them were sharing that Martha Stewart Moment, Holly was having her own drama with Nia’s one shouldered costume.  Poor thing.  Kid’s only got two shoulders and she picked the wrong one for the strap.

I swear, sometimes this show just stresses me out.

While we’re on the subject…it would probably also behoove the people in charge of backdrops to track down whoever gang tagged Abby’s pink wall and have them spray up a new tarp for the show.  What was that?

The duet was pretty fly for 17 minutes of rehearsal.  Nia can go all Beyoncé in her sleep, so I wasn’t worried.  Remember what year this is…

C1′s Seeing Red solo was all about…well…seeing red.  You don’t really need a NASA degree to figure out Abby’s thought process.  It was pretty dramatic and ended with Chloe smearing lipstick all over her face like an insane asylum escapee.  Or Lindsay Lohan on a Friday night.  Whatever.

At first I thought the stress had given the poor thing a nosebleed.  But false alarm…just Revlon.

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C2 was up next and managed to make it through most of her first ALDC dance before her headpiece popped off.  Luckily the drama of the moment was overshadowed by whoever that guy was who ran out on stage in his relaxed fit denim and scooped up the bow like he wanted it for the weekend.

I’m not judging.  But whoa.  Dude.  Relax.  We all want to feel pretty, but do you even work for On Stage America?  Go back to your seat.

Backstage, the whole thing turned into Hatgate 2014 as Kim immediately accused Melissa of sabotaging her kid’s head while Holly Googled ‘Conspiracy Theory’ to prove that losing a hair bow is…well…not one.

Finally, the group number hit the stage and ended up scoring First Place.  The only routine that did.  So Abby was not happy by the time the awards ceremony was finished.

Blah.  Blah.

All that really mattered was that Kim finished up the road trip by stating she wasn’t sure she even wanted to be part of this hot mess now that she’s seen what it’s like slumming with these wannabes in Pittsburgh.

Slumming.  In.  Pittsburgh.  Where these women all live.

Boom.

Jill’s eyeballs bugged out.  Melissa did that turtle head pull-back into the shell thing she always does when she gets all WhaWhaWha—?  Kelly looked like she usually does and then Holly got all OhHellNoSheDin’t.

Three strikes?  You out, Bitch.

And then it was over.

Next week is the third and final Open Call Audition.

Or the AUDC: Where Are They Now? Oprah Special as I like to call it.

Yup.  The Face of the Team is changing.

Not scrunching or wrinkling.  Or even moving.

But it’s changing.  And soon.

See you in New York.

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