Posts Tagged ‘Abby Lee Miller’

Dance Moms: A Toast To The ALDC! Drink All That Kool-Aid And Fix Those Feet…It’s The Abby Lee Horror Story.

Wednesday, March 9th, 2016




I know, right? It’s 3 o’clock and they’re still not dressed yet. Being a grownup looks awesome.






It didn’t get creepy until I caught her in my room, braiding her hair and wearing all my new clothes.






As long as you’re living in my house and under my roof, these are my rules…and my pajamas.






Hold up, ladies. I thought we were going out drinking. Why is everyone still in their PJs?






This is way better than wearing a bra. Raise your hand if you think every day should be PJ Day!






I can’t believe that not one of these heifers could tell me I left the house with curlers in my hair.







I don’t know what’s in these chips, but they’re making me thirsty. I could sure use some Kool-Aid.




Well, here you go.

I made you a special Dance Moms cocktail.

UYD9vfxJust drink it and don’t ask any questions.


It’s awesome, right?koolkid

Oh, yeah.  That’s the good stuff.

Hold on to your glass, tho, cuz you’re definitely gonna need a few more rounds before we finish up with this recap.  If it ever gets started, that is.

Yup.  It was sloooow going when we first hit the ALDC LA this week.  Really slow.

As in:  The place was deserted.

No Moms.  No Abby.  No nuthin.

Just the ALDC kids, who were not allowed to be on camera without their Moms but were somehow, under California law, still old enough to drive themselves to an abandoned dance studio where they were quickly scooted into a secret room to do their homework.

How does that even work?

There was also my favorite sub-titled producer running around off-camera looking for their Moms as well a Sound Engineer who talked exactly like Crocodile Dundee and this guy in Converse All-Stars who asked that his face be blurred out for some legal reason.


Oh.  And this guy on his phone.  And that other guy in winter clothes.

coatBecause it’s California.  And it’s 95 degrees out.  And everyone else is wearing shorts.

Except for that one random guy walking around in a winter coat, scarf and beanie, carrying a role of blue duct tape like he was gonna secure someone’s mouth shut and then throw them in the trunk of that white car that had been idling outside the front door since the show started.  What is even happening right now?

No wonder the guy with the glasses was calling the cops.

Kidding.  I don’t really know if it was 95 degrees that day.

So no Moms.  Just kids.  And Ashlee, who arrived with Brynn (…on time, thank you…) and immediately (…allegedly…) began plotting how to use the lack of adult supervision to her benefit.  Hmmmm.  Lemme think now…


Eventually, Abby emerged from that whacky back room storage room dorm room thingamajig and asked what wassup.

Abby:  What’s happening?

Ashlee:  I just don’t have no clue.



That kid is a hoot.

Since now there wasn’t not nobody else in the building…


…Abby had no choice but to start the party with the few and the proud.

Beginning with the solo assignments.

This week, the gang (…hopefully…) would be headed to New York Dance Experience in San Jose, where all the dances were going to be dark and ominous, including 3 solos based on famous deaths.  Like Brynn’s Black Dahlia routine, for example, which kinda sorta freaked her out once Gianna arrived and pulled up some bloody photos from her Instagram feed.

Time to dial down the Cute?  As if.


As Gia and Brynn got down to rehearsing, the other Moms finally showed up.

In.  Their.  Pajamas.

You heard me.  Pajamas.

And they made this big grand entrance from the parking lot trying to be all like…


tumblr_lvz3yupeoi1qg3qx4But it was really more like…yo.  Sup?

pj1Gah.  I love this show.

The Goal:  To show how the Moms were sick and tired of Abby arriving late, eating and slobbing her way around the studio with no apparent sense of urgency or desire or ambition.  Four can play this game, thank you.

The Result:  A prank that may have backfired.  Mom Strike 2.0, as it were.

The whole thing escalated quickly, with my MomCrush Jill, who had all this going on for some reason…

tumblr_ml86y3IEQa1rdzuduo1_400…blaming Ashlee for not giving the ok for the girls to start dancing before they arrived.

She knew they woulda shoulda coulda danced, so she shoulda coulda woulda blah blah blah.  Swear.  Swear.  Bitch.  Pillow Fight.

Worst.  Sleepover.  Ever.

Honestly, it might be time to revisit the name tags suggestion again, because I don’t even know who is in charge of whose kid anymore.  Especially if they’re gonna start bringing back all those Minis they showed in the new preview.

But Ashlee hadn’t been told about the prank in advance, so she didn’t realize that she was the designated babysitter.  So she didn’t do anything.  At all.  Which escalated the whole thing to a whole other level.

Side note:  Holly made this #HollyFace a lot this week.  A lot.

hSometimes it was even done really close up for dramatic effect.

hfAnd look at Jessalynn‘s hair.  She legit just got out of bed.

pj3I heart these Moms too much.

And Melissa, too.  Look at her trying to pass off that DKNY blouse as pajamas.

melNice try.  I saw her wearing the same thing out to dinner last week with a chunky necklace.


Before the sun set, they figured they should probably get to the Pyramid of Shame.

But at warp speed, because this whole pajama party thing had really cut into their productivity today.

Bottom Row:  Kalani, Kendall, Nia and Mackenzie.  Done.

Middle Row:  JoJo and Brynn, which left Maddie on the top.  And she was totally ok with that.  Did you hear her?  Hilarious.


The second solo of the week would be Maddie’s ‘Lizzie Borden’ chopfest, which got her all excited for some reason.  And the third dance went to Kendall, who would (…allegedly or not…) get thrown overboard as ‘Natalie Wood.’

Side note:  Did I miss the Hair Braid Memo this week?


Because Brynn had scored a few extra hours of private choreography, Jill was already on edge and immediately assumed that her daughter would get sub-par choreography, costuming, music, lighting, makeup, attention, salary and dental benefits simply because she carried Vertes DNA in her system.

Needless to say, Abby accused her of playing the Victim.  Just like…umm, I dunno…maybe a tall blonde she used to know but wouldn’t refer to by name.

Wait.  What?


We love that tall lady.  And miss her so much.

Come visit, why don’t you?  There’s always plenty of parking in the front of the building.

And bring your friend there.  I bet she’d love me and my Dance Moms cocktails.

tumblr_mcd55woemI1ql5yr7o1_400Or not, maybe.

This week’s group routine would be equally as dark and ominous as the solos and was going to require the girls perform a cult-themed dance.

A Cult?

tumblr_inline_nyuts4lOfi1t4mrav_500Drink the Kool-Aid, kids.

Let’s Be Real Dept.:  I don’t think this thing is gonna be much of a stretch for anybody.

You know it.  They know it.  And they even said it out loud.

Putting the Cult in ALD…C.

The next day, everyone managed to get themselves dressed like big girls and headed back to the studio for some more bickering.  Holly still had the same #HollyFace, but in nicer clothes.

Mama didn’t fall for that pajama thing yesterday and she wasn’t falling for it today.

Jill and Ashlee went another 17 rounds, but all that really mattered was that Jill took out those freakin’ Pippi Longstocking braids and the she promises to never do that again.

Ever.  And I mean it.

Truth:  That’s not the finger she wants to give me right now, BTW.


Finally, it was Showtime!

And time to climb down into the bowels of whatever building was hosting this shindig, because somebody forgot to get proper permits for the elevators and it was staircase-only today, people.  Watch your step, please.


Full disclosure:  There were no sharks in the stairway, but watching the Moms lug all their dance shizzz down 27 flights in heels was almost as treacherous and funny.

Needless to say, Abby Lee Miller doesn’t do stairs, so she sat in the lobby playing Candy Crush for most of the remainder of the episode.  F’real.

Which meant that all those poor Moms had to schlep everything down the stairs and then send their kids back up and down again about 100 times to double check their makeup and moves with Abby throughout the competition.

Like Brynn’s makeup, for instance.  Holy Whoa, Batman.

bdgiphy-1And Maddie’s.

axetumblr_mz5jexLtkR1t0demio1_500And KK, of course.kn1tumblr_noh2foZRLD1r8jjn6o1_500You get the idea.

The girls were ready to go.

But can we talk about all this goodness for a minute?

hqdefaulttumblr_n5hcm3Cd9y1qlvwnco1_500Because Rachelle “Sas” Rak was back on the stage, hosting this whole hot mess!

I know you remember Rachelle from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.

She was the judge on AUDC who wouldn’t sit still in her chair and kept jumping up on the table, telling all these 9 year old girls to bite the apple and never go on a Six Flags waterslide without pretending you’re the lead in Flashdance.

We LOVE Rachelle.

And remember how Richy Jackson used to always be like ‘Gurl Pleez, Sit Yo’ A** Down.’

Abbys-Ultimate-Dance-Competition-Richy-whatThose were good times.

And now she was back, because NYDE is the competition where you get your critiques LIVE on stage and get to stand next to Rachelle Rak while she shimmys and bites stuff. mrYes, please.

Brynn’s solo was great.  The judges just told her to work on her acting.

I swear Kendall wore the same leotard that Maddie wore last week, but I could be wrong.

Regardless, she did great, but got called out for her acting chops again.  Tell the story!

And Maddie got a hug from Rachelle.  So there was that.


Backstage before the group routine, it became clear that Mackenzie didn’t know what a Cult was, even though she’s technically been in one since the day she was born.

I guess that’s how they get ya.  Straight outta the womb and into the studio.

And in all honesty, she just wanted something to wash down all those chips.  I love how she is growing up into this pretty young lady but still maintaining that blissful innocence.

You keep that, Boo.  You just keep that.

The group routine was off the chain.  The makeup was on point (…especially Nia Sioux for some reason…) and they nailed the choreography, which is probably why that one judge was all like ‘Whhhhaaaa was that?’ before giving them First Place in the group category.

No lie.  Her little Asia Monet Ray bun almost popped right off her damn head.

jgBrynn and Kendall ended up both taking Second Place in their respective age categories, even though Ashlee was quick to point out that the actual numerical sumthin sumthin whatevah was higher on Brynn’s card.

Gah.  Relax, lady.  Just let them enjoy the moment.

And of course, Maddie took First Place.  Because she’s Maddie.  And she’s back.

And then it was pretty much over for the week, except for a sudden rip in the Time Space Continuum that shot everyone into some odd Alternate Reality where all the Moms got along and liked each other and Ashlee burst into the lobby with Kool-Aid for everyone.

kool-aid-oJust like that.

Because that’s not creepy at all.

And then it was really over, I swear.

A toast to the ALDC!

Drink it up, kids.  Drink it all up.

There’s plenty more where that came from, don’t you worry.

Dance Moms: When Duet Drama Hits The ALDC, You Know It’s Nia To The Rescue. Here I Come To Save The Day!

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2016




Let’s be real. This stupid blog is good because of me and my kids, ok? Good luck next year, fool.






I’m just saying your mouth is full and my crackers are gone. It doesn’t take a PhD to figure it out, girl.






LaDuca? Umm…Wait. I know this. Gimme a minute. LaDuca. Can you use it in a sentence?







Siri: Call one of my lawyers, cuz if I see one more bra photo or bad hair gif on this blog, I swear…






I know, right? She pays good money for someone to make her hair look like that. I just can’t.






I should probably shred this since that guy from TMZ is still going through the dumpster out back.






See that one right there? That one’s gonna give me a heart attack or rash before it’s all over.






Living On The Dance Fl—14259516atumblr_ma0jag4WYp1rdq2opo1_500a1

I swear.

That’s how fast they got the Dance Moms party started this week.

I think the screaming may have actually begun before the credits even finished rolling.

As some Mystery Stylist wearing one of those pricey Lululemon yoga tops with the little holes in the sleeves for your thumbs worked on tangling up Abby Lee Miller‘s hair just a little more, the shizz was already hitting the fan within the first 5 seconds of this week’s episode.  Something was going down between Miss Abby and a nameless office assistant and it wasn’t pretty.

Pretty Loud?  Yes.  Pretty?  No.

Abby was screaming and trying to keep the producers out of that backroom/dorm room whateverthatis living space while they stood off-camera, getting subtitled like a drug bust was going down and refusing to budge.  She screamed.  They tried to stand their ground.

She screamed some more.  They stood their ground some more.

Side note:  When your subtitles end in exclamation points, than you know somebody means business.  We’re not leaving!!!!!  We’re not doing it!!!!!  Nope!!!!!

I don’t know if that assistant got fired or quit or what, but she tore outta Dodge like the building was on fire, pushing her way through a whole bunch of people who got busted on national television for doing nothing but standing around looking at each other and holding blue First Day of School Trapper Keepers.

Do they even sell those anymore or did I just make myself sound really old?  Because proper organization is key to a successful school year, kids.  FYI.

Regardless,  the assistant took off like a missile was aimed at her blurred-out head.

And like any good military maneuver…No Starbucks Left Behind.


Did she just steal a pen on her way out or is that her phone?

When all the dust settled, Abby finally made it into the studio, where all the Moms and kids were patiently waiting on the Pyramid of Shame.

Fashion note:  After last week’s successful Dark Denim Day, the Moms had smoothly transitioned into Black And Grey Day, inspired by my MomCrush Jill‘s superhero cape and her Storm from the X-Men leather thigh highs.  Bow Chicka Vertes, right?

a2 You go, Jill.

Storm-70s-X-MenAnd don’t read anything creepy into this, but I would totally buy a Jill Vertes Action Hero Figure and display it proudly on my bookcase next to my Dr. Holly Doll with the interchangeable HollyFaces…which you can totally buy already but I’m not telling you where because I don’t want you to have one.

Side note:  No lie.  One time someone actually Googled “Dance Moms True Facts” and found this blog.  How is that even possible?

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Needless to say, as soon as Ashlee found out that Abby’s assistant had taken her Starbucks and pen and hit the road, she immediately offered to help cover her hours at the front desk.  Which is actually a back desk now, I think.

Which segued nicely into an accusation that Melissa had butt kissed her way into Abby’s good graces over the last 6 seasons, which in turn made Melissa do this…

Wait.  What?

m1And then this and this…

mmmI’d buy a Melissa Doll, too.

Ebay Spoiler Alert:  The price will probably escalate quickly on the secondary market after the Zieglers leave the show, so you might wanna scoop up a couple asap.  It will probably be a Limited Edition 3 pack and come with a bonus puppy that has a bow on its head.

After making it clear she had never kissed Abby’s butt…evah…the producers ran a 42 minute investigative #MelissaMontage that would have made CNN proud.

#ShadyBoots.  I see what you did there.

Look.  It’s the Original Recipe Abby.


What ever happened to that poor office girl?  You think she’s still in therapy?

And look at Kelly and Christi.  We love them.


We should have a Caption Contest for Christi’s face to win a dance bag full of Lifetime swag, even though I think we all know exactly what she was thinking right there.

Anyway.  The Pyramid.

Bottom Row:  Brynn, Kendall, Kalani

…and Maddie.giphy copyI know.

Middle Row:  Nia Sioux and JoJo.

Which left Mackenzie on the Top!!!  Exclamation points.  Three of them.

This week, the gang was staying local and hitting up the Fierce Dance Competition just down the road.  The group routine was going to be a ‘Bitter Sweet Charity’ homage to Bob Fosse (…who Abby 😍 looooves 😍…) that required the girls learn more mature choreography…and do it in heels.

Dat’s rite.  Just like the Big Girls.  Finally.

RIP:  Mouse and Bumble Bee costumes.  It was fun while it lasted.

Kendall and Kalani scored a ‘Grifters’ con-artist inspired duet, while Maddie and Brynn would perform the second duet of the week, ‘Together As One.’  I think you’ve already figured out how this thing’s gonna play out.

As the girls got to rehearsing, the Moms all hit the bleachers and dished about Kira wanting to stay home and feed her new baby instead of being in LA putting ice packs on her daughter’s aching back.

khPoor Kalani.  Her back was KILLing her.

They also squeezed in some snark about Ashlee’s 10000% focus on Brynn’s career, making it sound as though she had left her two other sons back home with just a bowl of food on the kitchen floor like you do with your cat when you go on vacation.  But that’s not true.  And the two sons actually turned out to be a boy AND a girl, so there was a lot of misinformation going around town the last few weeks.

Melissa had just recently found out that the two boys were not actually two boys, but I’ll give Ashlee the benefit of the doubt and assume she already knew she had another daughter since they were really pig piling up on her at the end.

Not gonna lie.  It got a little uncomfortable when they started arguing about on-probation Brynn getting more opportunities than on-the-team Nia, because the whole world already knows I’m #TeamNia.  Or #NiaNation.  Or whatever the kids are calling it today.

Let’s be real.  I love her as much as I love hashtags that make no grammatical sense.

Haters:  Yeah.  #WhatSheSaid.tumblr_nsme5526OE1tb8iyko3_500The next day, we found out that Ashlee had stayed late at the studio and woven the fabric for the girls’ costumes from cotton that she and her two non-sons grew in their backyard or something.  I dunno.  She never really said exactly what it was that she accomplished during her overnight shift, but it did give Jill the opportunity to offer up a power point presentation on LaDuca Dance Shoes, which are pretty well known in the Dance World.

LaDuca.  The Rolls Royce of Magic Dance Shoes.

giphy-1Clearly, dancing in heels for the first time is a way bigger deal for dancers than it is for us non-dancers, even though I do recall wiping out a few times on my platform shoes at the Ground Round.  But that was because they used to let you throw peanut shells on the floor, thank you, not because I didn’t know how to lace up my my my my my boogie shoes.

Google it, kids.  KC & The Sunshine Band.  I don’t have the time or the energy.

LaDuca.  A soft soled, high heeled dance shoe.


LaDuca.  Because young ladies don’t dance in bare feet.  That’s just nasty.

LaDuca.  I’m pretty sure Jill even spelled it out at the end like this kid.


tumblr_nj4fgeWetz1qk08n1o1_500I love Jill.  There.  I own it.

As Kalani and Kendall rehearsed their duet, it was clear that Kalani’s sore back was not going to miraculously cure itself before the weekend’s competition.  Which couldn’t have had anything to do with choreography that required Kendall to body slam her partner into the ground multiple times and then roll over her like she was laying down hot tar.

No.  Not at all.

Long story short:  Melissa’s legal guardianship-ness (…if that’s even a word…) kicked in and she reached out to Kira for the final decision on whether Kalani should risk paralysis or try to snatch that First Place trophy before both legs went numb.

Needless to say, Kira shut that thang down.  Which left Kendall awkwardly trying to do a duet that looked remarkably like a solo for now.

Side note:  Somewhere in all this mess, the Moms decided to take a walk and go film an Old Navy commercial.  Srsly.  I’m not even joking.

Dance Moms:


Old Navy Commercial:

maxresdefault-2If you can tell me which is which, I’ll give you that swag bag AND an action figure.

The walk also gave Ashlee some alone time with Rashlee, which is my new name for Abby.  Did you see her face?  Gross.

dtI mean, besides the fact that she looked exactly like Donald Trump, Abby was also suffering from some kind of viral sumthin sumthin that made me wish we could all go back to standard def television for a few weeks.

Am I lying?  Is that not the same face?


Look again.  And I don’t even have Photoshop on my computer.


But what about that duet?

83467489_350x350Yaaaay!!!  Nia and her sassy cheekbones to the rescue!

niaWith less than 24 hours to go, The Artist Formerly Known As Sasha Nia took on the challenge and immediately got to work trying to sync up with Kendall while the rest of the team looked on.  Stressful, to say the least.  High hopes?   Well…

Finally, it was Showtime!

One:  Did that sign say “FREE Snacks” on the window?  Yes, please.  No wonder they go to these things every weekend.  Mama didn’t raise no fool.

Two:  Abby.

mess What the what?

She walked in like…


…and everyone was all like…


I know you’re not supposed to apply makeup if your skin is irritated, but I’m pretty sure it’s still ok to try and get a comb through it, ma’am.  There’s kids in the room, fercryinoutloud.

Jill and Ashlee went another round or ten before the competition started, but I was so traumatized by the whole #AbbyHair thing that I forget what they were arguing about.  I could make it up, I suppose, but that’s really not my style.




Once again, we wasted so much time with the goofy stuff that there’s barely room for the actual performances.  You know how we do.

Nia and Kalani did as well as could be expected with no rehearsal time and enough pressure to turn a lump of coal into diamond studs.  Even though they only had a few flubs, Kalani was embarrassed, Nia cried and everyone argued about who let who down, even though nobody let anybody down.

I let you down.  No, I let YOU down.  No, I let YOU down.  No, I let YOU down Infinity.

Thankfully, they hugged it out before this thing turned into a 2 hour episode.

Side note:  I heart Holly so much when she makes everything all better.

Maddie and Brynn also had their share of on-stage bloopers when their music cut off.

Again?  Are you kidding me?

mkvI guess all the money these places are losing by handing out free food every week cuts into the maintenance of their technical equipment, because the sound sure cuts out a lot on this show.  Or maybe it’s just me.

Side note:  I like the way Maddie ended the dance by pretending to bite Brynn in the neck and open up that artery that goes straight to her brain.

Check it out.  Brynn’s all like WTF?  We didn’t rehearse this part.

tumblr_o3e1g8X80A1tb8iyko2_500There’s only one Maddie, mmmkay?  Don’t make her Mom say it again.

Backstage, even Kendall got a little mouthy and accused Donald Trump of setting her and Nia up to fail in their duet.  Oh, snap.  Then everyone piled on Abby again for a couple of minutes before the group number hit the stage.


Which.  Was.  Awesome.  Sauce.

Bob Fosse would be proud.  They looked so grown-up and I felt so old.  It was awesome.

Kendall and Nia still eeeked out a Second Place spot, despite the goobers, which left room in the First Place slot for Maddie and Brynn.

And the ALDC group routine?  First time on heels calls for a First Place trophy!

Back in the makeup room, it all went down again one last time before the closing credits.

In this corner:  Ashlee vs. anyone who would listen.

Don’t talk about my kid.  Don’t talk about MY kid.  I’m not talking about your kid.  Yes, you are.  No, I’m not.  Over and over and over.

And over.

Until Melissa broke the fourth wall (…that’s TV Talk, BTW…it’s kinda my thing…) by declaring that “This show is good because of me and my kids, ok?  So just saying…”


Not the fourth wall!

Exclamation point.

tumblr_inline_nozz7yRyyC1seyqdu_500This can’t be good.

And now she’s done?  Because that’s what she said before she left the room.

Just like that, Melissa was gone.

And it was over.  For now.

Uh oh.

To be continued…


Dance Moms: It’s My Welcome Home Party And I’ll Charleston If I Want To. That’s Right, ALDC…Maddie’s Back!

Wednesday, February 24th, 2016




I thought they’d all be hanging from the chandelier when I got back. Or at least that crazy new Mom.






It’s Bubble Bath Time, ladies! First Mom to scrub my back scores their kid a fresh new solo.






Girl, pleez. You think I’m going anywhere near water with this new hair? She can Charleston all day.

















And no more boys for you…unless their Dad is hot. And then you still have my number, right?






I must need another new battery in this damn hearing aid, cuz I swear she just complimented Nia.






Yo. Anyone know if those Minis are ever coming back? Cuz I’m totally calling all those juice boxes.






I know Jessalynn doesn’t wear a hearing aid.  It was a joke.

Really.  It was.  So let’s not start off on the wrong foot, because there is way more important Dance Moms shizz to worry about this week than why Miracle Ear products are always getting slammed online for short battery life.

Like the return of Maddie Ziegler, for instance.  Because she’s baaaaaack!

tumblr_m9fpxdDEXy1r7dslf-1I know, right?  Everyone got a little emotional.

After being MIA long enough to remake the entire original Star Wars trilogy, Maddie was finally done filming her new movie and back at the ALDC where she belonged.

Supposedly on a full-time basis.  And supposedly for good.

Spoiler Alert:  Or at least for the rest of this season, if you know whaddimean.

And now that the team was all back together, they didn’t waste any time getting right down to bidnezz as soon as the credits rolled.  And after my MomCrush Jill got herself situated under all that fur-collared goodness she was wearing, of course.  You see that?

The struggle is real.  Ponchos are a lot of work.

j3Here she is in the same outfit with the matching chapeau.

enhanced-9448-1395080592-21And here’s Jill again, with Ashlee, right before they threw down on Dress Up Day.

hjhjvnBut today wasn’t Dress Up Day at the ALDC.

It was Dark Denim Day, apparently, which resulted in this whole situation on the bleachers.

denimDo you think they call each other in the morning?  Because I do.

Regardless, Maddie was back.

And so was Abby Lee Miller for a change.

After phoning in most of her performance last week, Abby actually showed up.

On time.  With her hair done.  And her makeup done.

And her pants on.

The only thing that seemed to be missing was her passion for the job.  Or at least that’s what the Moms felt as the conversation focused on all the drama swirling around Abby’s personal life.  And you know what I’m talking ’bout, Willis…

a1The Moms wanted Abby’s commitment to the team and the studio, which had clearly been in question ever since those TMZ app alerts started coming across their iPhones all those many weeks ago.

0205-tmz-live-launch-1-1080x608Side note:  How do you think The Artist Formerly Known As P.Diddy feels about being the follow-up story to Abby Lee Miller yelling at some poor schmo who gets paid minimum wage to make pizzas?  His shirts are marked down at TJMaxx right now, too.

Aside from wanting the correct 5 dolla make her holla toppings on her Pizza Hut deep dish, Abby also wanted Maddie to get her act together and start winning again.

Like she used to.  Before she got famous.

Maybe even…dare we say it…


…more famous than Abby?

You might wanna hold that thought for a few minutes, because sumthin’s up.

Like Melissa‘s blood pressure, for example, when she found out that Abby had not watched Maddie’s appearance on the the Ellen show, even though she sent her the link and everything.  Not cool.

Look at Melissa’s hair.  She looks like Britney Spears, right?

m3giphyPyramid Of Shame note:  There was one.  But Abby wasn’t into it.  So neither are we.

When you don’t have one every week, it kinda loses its impact.  The takeaways from the Big Reveal were a montage of Ashlee hating on all the other Moms/Kids and Kalani’s headshot at the top.

Look at how mature she is now.

khEven Melissa got a little verklempt at how fast all the girls are growing up.

britney-spears-nods-head-x-factorThis week, the gang was headed to the Dream National Dance Competition in San Diego, where three…count ’em…THREE girls would perform solos.

Sasha Nia You In My Way Boo Sioux scored a musical theater meets Liza Minnelli meets (…Spoiler Alert…) prohibition house flapper girl routine entitled ‘Money Makes The World Go Down’ while Mackenzie would be pleading ‘Don’t Take My Fire’ in an acrobatical number.

Which is possibly even less of an actual word than last week’s ‘pathetical.’

It happened fast, but I think right around here was when Abby might have even said something nice about Nia.

But like I said, it happened so fast that I may have made it all up in my head.

And for the third solo, Nurse JoJo was going to show no ‘Mercy’ and kill someone with a tranquilizer dart just for laughs.  So we also had that to look forward to, I guess.

I swear.  That chick always gets the whacky s***.

jjiAnd speaking of saving the environment and recycling…

NEA_recycling_bins,_Orchard_Road…the group routine was going to be a rewind of Season One’s ‘Sinful.’  Except that now the kids were bigger and it was called ‘7 Deadly Sins’ because why not.

Sinfuldm-2Look at how tiny they were back then.

Side note:  I hope that’s the right dance.  If it’s not…they’re still tiny.  And cute.

Abby called it a reworking of a classic routine.


Holly made this #HollyFace for three days straight and called it ‘Laziness.’

hfYou decide.

The next day, as the girls got to rehearsing, the Moms kept trying to figure out what was up with Abby this week.  Was she into it?  Was she phoning it in again?

The Short Version:  With only two days to go now, everyone was starting to think that maybe Abby was jealous of Maddie’s success.

Wait.  What?

Jessalynn figured that Abby couldn’t handle the fact that the student was now more famous than the teacher.  Maddie’s skyrocketing success had pretty much left Abby behind in the exhaust fumes.

Jess also still had fur from Jill’s poncho in her eyes 24 hours later, the poor thing.  Look at her trying to dig it out before she goes blind.


Ashlee smelled blood in the water as Maddie struggled with getting her mojo back.  Could this be Brynn‘s time to shine?  To…I dunno…steal the spotlight, maybe?  Hmmm.

ashMelissa kept chewing her nails like this.  All that acrylic in your gut can’t be good for you.

mnAnd Holly made that #HollyFace again.

hfAnd then one more time.

hfUntil Abby tried to make Nia do the Charleston in her Teen Division competitive dance routine, that is, and then she couldn’t even make a #HollyFace she was so horrified.

So she just sat there all like…

h1…while her brain flashed back to her only daughter twerking and barking like a dog and wearing a Soul Train afro.  And now you want a Charleston?  Really?

750ofI don’t think so.

Holly busted into the studio.  Abby was all like Whatever.  Holly was all like Are You Kidding Me?  Abby was all like I’m The Boss.  Holly was all like...  


You go, Holly.

Honestly, that stupid gold foam core star on the door is so dinged up already that somebody needs to take it down before I book a flight to LA and do it myself.  Then maybe I’ll be able to pay more attention to all these doorway tirades.

Thank you for your attention to this important visual eyesore.

And then we entered an alternate reality for the second time this week.

giphy 0e9dfbf73b8786409725a133ca122c32Abby.  Complimented.  Nia.  Again.

I know.


When I came to, it was already the next day…a3

…and Abby was wearing a towel on her head for some reason.

It’s true.  She walked out of that storeroom/dorm room/deli space behind the studio with a wet towel on head like she just spent the morning at the ALDC DaySpa or something.


I dunno.

Full disclosure:  I think I’m partial to the original version from a few seasons back, only because there were so many donuts in the background.  And she had more of an evening wear kind of thing going on back then, which was très urban.

But let’s be honest.

She had more of everything going on back then, if we’re keeping it real.


But both versions are equally insane.  Don’t you worry.

a11Finally..and thankfully…it was Showtime!

Well, after the Best.  Commercial.  Break.  Ever.  that is.

Did you flip channels too fast or did you see it?  The Weight Watchers commercial?

With Oprah?




o2I mean.  LOVES.  BREAD.

What the what was that?

I gave me such anxiety I had to carbo load before bed just because Oprah said so.

And now I want to gain weight just so I can lose it again with Oprah.

You get bread.  You get bread.  You all get bread!

oprah6tumblr_lfddqaTh8Z1qb5hu9I think Holly summed it up best with what is now my second favorite #HollyFace ever.


And then it really was Showtime.

For some reason, little Brynn wasn’t even listed in the program because she was on probation.  Or her mother was on probation.  Or Abby was just being mean.

It wasn’t really clear.

Side note:  Gianna was around this week, but I guess she wasn’t mic’d because we never heard her speak.  I like her even though she doesn’t have those ombré tips anymore.

JoJo was first out for solos in her crazy nurse garb.  She killed it…no pun intended.


And then, as if TWO Nia compliments on top of Oprah yelling at me in my pajamas wasn’t enough…Mackenzie was not wearing pig tails.  At all.  I swear.



Somehow in the last two weeks, our little MackenzieBoo mouse had grown up and was now strutting around with Ariana Grande hair and a sassy attitude to match.  She even did a questionably inappropriate but appropriately cute lick yo’ finger and sizzle it on your butt move at the end of her routine.

Like I do when I’m trying on new pants at Banana Republic.  Because, yes…now it’s possible to wear skinny jeans even if you love bread.



abNia finished up the trifecta in style, even though Holly knew the dance was not set up to be a competitive teen solo.  But Nia did what she could with as little as Abby had given her and made us all proud.  #TeamNiaNation.

nHer #SideEye will always be better than her Charleston, tho.  Which is as it should be.

The group routine was great, even if it was recycled.

Watching them grow up so fast is always kind of sad, but now that these girls don’t fall down as much and can keep hats on their heads, I gotta say they’re pretty good at getting the job done.


They rushed through the awards pretty quickly, probably because someone was afraid the BoyBand emcee was gonna rip out his shirt if it got any tighter.

Ok, dude.  I see what you did there.  We get it.  You work

And you know he’s totally somebody’s gym crush.  California does like it’s ManCandy.

The Awards:  JoJo only stabbed her way to Third Place, which was still great.

Ariana/Mack snagged First Place and pretty much did another backflip for finally winning the top spot.  And Nia came in Fourth, which made me sad but sometimes you get what you get when your choreography is lower than the bar you set for your students.


Because that’s how the argument went after it was all said and done.

Holly got on Abby’s case and called her out on a whole laundry list of issues, which she couldn’t really deny.  And she didn’t try to.  At all.

She even…wait for it…

giphy…kinda, sorta apologized.


What show am I even watching right now?

And Abby cried again.


And then it was over, because everyone had to form a search party before it got dark to try and track down all those Minis that have been missing for two weeks.

Really.  Is that not a thing anymore?  What ever happened to all those little buggers?

Unless we hear something back in the morning, I guess that’s all she wrote for another week, kids.  I’ll keep you posted.

Let’s do it again soon.


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