Posts Tagged ‘Abby Lee Miller’

Raising Asia: It’s My Blu Ray Birthday Party And I’ll Roller Skate If I Want To. Mama Lets Daddy Take The Wheel.

Saturday, August 16th, 2014

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You’re just a body builder. You don’t understand what it’s like having to stop at every shoe store.

 

 

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I love my Nana Vicky, but if I see one more macaroni and glitter bracelet while she’s here…

 

 

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She’s like 6 years old. She won’t even know I’m taking selfies. Oh…that’s a really good one.

 

 

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No wonder my Mommy acts loopy sometimes. The air is so thin way up here on these heels.

 

 

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AwHellNah. Don’t even tell me I see silver shoes and a gold bow. Do I have to do everything?

 

 

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When I say they all drive me crazy, I don’t mean crazy. I mean Kray-Zee.

 

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Srsly? My kid is gonna be headlining in Vegas by the time this guy posts his damn blog recap.

 

 

 

Finally.

Raising Asia is back.  And the recap is back.

My bad.  A little bit, anyway.

Mostly it was Xfinity’s fault, though.  Blame them.

I guess the deal is that Comcast can show every anatomical naughty bit on Spartacus and Gladiator, but they pixelate Asia Monet Ray.  Or at least that’s what happened last week during some technical drama.

Internet glitches aside, the DVR seems to be working just fine now and I managed to infringe on numerous broadcast copyright laws and extract some hilarious photo sniglets.

So it looks like we’re good to go now.

Let’s get caught up on both weeks, shall we?

What you missed last time: Muscle Dad Shawn and Not So Much Muscle Manager Billy Hufsey met up at an Indian restaurant to compare six packs and argue over who was actually Asia’s biological father.  Billy had crossed the line a few times in the first episode by implying that he spent more time with Asia than her actual father did, and that’s just not something you say with Shawn Ray in the room.

Shawn still looks like he eats the same size servings of rib meat that always tipped over Fred Flintstone‘s car at the Bronto Burger Place and Billy still looks like his hair rubs off on the pillowcases every night.

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My girl Kristie had a few issues with the Reality TV Awards event that Asia was scheduled to attend.  The stage was too small and was clearly not conducive to her usual mini-Beyoncé antics, so at the last minute Kristie and Anthony Burrell toned down some of the sass and everything went just fine.

Shawn still wanted to get more involved in Asia’s career.  Kristie still wanted Shawn to stick to doing the heavy lifting and leave the Momager stuff to the Mom, because that’s why they call them Momagers.  Der.

We also missed Asia doing some math homework at the kitchen table.

6 x 5 = 30.  6 x 6= cop an attitude with yo’ Mama.

I love my iPhone, but clearly Apple and their cell phone calculators are going to be the downfall of Society.  Like Planet of the Apes.  But instead of talking monkeys burning down our cities, it will be kids who can’t count clogging up the 10 Items or Less aisle at Piggly Wiggly.

It’s gonna happen.  And they’ll all have big thumbs from texting too much.

But the most important thing we missed last week was the arrival of Nana Vicky!!

We love Nana Vicky.  Kristitie’s Mom showed up to help run the show while Shawn was off handing out PowerBar samples at GNCs around the country.  (I don’t really know if that’s where he went or not, but I really like Shawn and I really like the blue raspberry drinks at GNC, so it was an inevitable connection.)

Nana Vicky looks like she makes really good pasta.  That’s not an ethnic thing.  Or an age thing.  Or nothing.  It’s just that some people look they would make good pasta.  And probably from scratch the way her best friend taught her one weekend.

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Plus, pasta is good for carbo loading, so you know that Shawn would be all over that idea like white on unprocessed whole grain gluten-free rice.

Nana Vicky, sister Gina and Kristie hit up a quaint little brunch place where Kristie’s marriage and life/work balance were immediately laid out on the table.  Nana cried because she was concerned about the strain that managing Asia’s career was creating between Shawn and Kristie.  Gina was all like Yeah What She Said and then offered up her own unsolicited insights.

Kristie got a little fidgety and I could see her left earring starting to whip around, so you knew what kind of storm was coming.

And then the Lifetime post-production people edited the whole thing to look like Kristie got up from the table, didn’t pay her part of the tab, stole a wine glass and left the building.

Now I know my girl Kristie.  She’s a fire cracker.  Maybe even a loose cannon sometimes.

But she would never bolt on her Mama and sister.  At least not without laying down a twenty to cover her part of the appetizers.

As for the missing glass…I don’t know if she’s hurting for crystal stemwear at home or not.

That’s really none of my business.

And now you’re caught up.  Let’s see how this week went down….

We started out with Kristie putting her superstar through some stretches and back flips up in that converted-bedroom-turned-rehearsal space, where Asia’s flexibility and skill were clearly on display for the world to see.

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Not so much for all the black electrical tape.  Looks like Kristie won that camera crew battle, because all the little pieces of tape blocking top secret government information on Asia’s framed certificates were MIA.  Remember those?  They were like the black bars you put over people’s eyes before you post dirty stuff on Facebook.

I mean, not me.  But some people.

It was all gone.  That’s one point for Kristie, if you’re keeping track.

Downstairs, Nana Vicky was folding warm towels (…they had to be warm, you know, because everything Nana Vicky does is done with love and that always makes everything feel like a hug…) as Kristie answered a call from Anthony.

He was wearing a hat.  You could just tell.

From the moment that Asia’s career began to take off, Anthony and Billy have been at odds on the direction of her trajectory.

Anthony really believes Asia can become the next Beyoncé, while Billy feels that she should focus on being the next Miley Cyrus.  Not the new teddy bear-humping one that always make you feel like you need to floss and Purell your hands when she’s done performing.  Definitely not that one.  That s*** nasty.

Billy’s talking about the old Disney one.  Or something similar.  He even went as far as creating a song (…Spoiler Alert: That Anthony HATES…) on his Garage Band app.

Turns out that Anthony knew Tina Davis, who had previously worked with Chris Brown (…on his music, not his left hook…yeah, I went there…) and it just so happened that she was going to be in town soon.  Maybe Kristie would like to meet her?

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One…I’m very happy with Billy.  Two…I need to go and dangle my kid from 40 feet of red satin.  Buh bye now.

It’s true.  Asia has a freakin’ aerial silk thingamajig contraption in her backyard.  Like Pink swings from during concerts.  And award shows.  And probably the grocery store.

Shut.  Up.  And it even came with fabric, a tool kit and an on-site choreographer.  I’m serious.  Shannon Beach was standing there like she just came out of the same box as the assembly instructions.

As Asia unintentionally strangled herself like Maddie Ziegler in that Sia video creep fest, baby Blu Ray was not happy.  Asia’s little sister wanted to swing around, too, but Mom wouldn’t let her.  This was Asia Time.

How much do we love Blu Ray?  I mean, c’mon.

Nana Vicky to the rescue!  Blu Ray…you wanna do crafts?’  Which is totally code for: You’re In The Way, Gurl.

My code when I was little was: ‘Danny…you want a Pop-Tart?’  I’m sooo on to all you Moms and your tricks now.

As Blu Ray created her 49th pipe cleaner masterpiece and ate some paste (…do kids still do that, or did I just really date myself?…) Asia fell out of the tree and went off to vocal lessons, where we got to see yet another glossy photo of Billy from Fame without his shirt on.  I’m all set that, thanks.

We also got to jam with Asia as she tried out Billy’s new Disney song.  I don’t know what Mom and Daughter really thought about the little ditty, but Billy was into it.

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Into.  It.  Like that Uncle who showed up at your recital.  You know the one.

He was into it, too.

I’m sure that Mr. Hufsey is a pillar of his community.  I just don’t know if it’s Billy’s monotone hair or his eyebrows, or what…but something just screams ‘Uncle.

Next, for a little decompression after the last few hectic days, Kristie and Asia hit the Mall with Jordan Jones and her Mom Kelly.

JJ is Asia’s BFF from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.  She’s a really good dancer, but I believe that her fingers are permanently fused into a V-Shape, because I can honestly say I’ve never seen a photo of her when she’s not flashing a Peace Sign.

Unless she’s a Vulcan, of course.  But I think they use all four of their fingers to make that Star Trek gesture if I recall correctly.  And now that you mention it, the Art of the Dance requires emotions, which Mr. Spock didn’t have.  So never mind.  Forget I said anything.

I like JJ’s Mom, too.  Except she always looks like she just changed the pool liner all by herself.  She just always looks tired.  But she gave sage advice to Kristie on how to be a Dance Mom (…Tuesdays @ 9pm…free plug…) and then they all went home.

Somewhere in all that excitement we got to watch Anthony listen to Billy’s new Disney song and lose his marbles.  His hat almost fell off he hated it so much.

And we saw Asia taking some kind of How To Audition class at the I Used To Be On The TV Show Fame Billy Hufsey School For Fame.  I’m not really sure what it’s called, so that may not be 100% correct, but it was definitely one of those kind of places.

Asia read a script and a bunch of people who looked like they had just auditioned to be on a show about auditioning to be on a show watched her and then applauded politely.

Whatever.  We needed to get back home and play dress-up with Blu Ray and Kristie.

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Did I already ask how much we love Blu Ray?  Because we do.

Mom realized that she needed to shift some MomLove over to Blu Ray’s side of the room, so they set aside quality time to wobble around in Jimmy Choos and just be normal.

Blu Ray and I can now both testify that it hurts to be this beautiful.

I’m glad it wasn’t just me.

After snatching back her shoes, Kristie took Asia to dance rehearsal, where slippery Anthony had Tina lurking in the back hallway for an impromptu, unexpected and clearly not appreciated meeting.

Anthony won’t be doing that again.

Finally, it was the build up to Blu Ray’s Birthday!!  And time for Shawn to start playing a bigger role in Asia’s day to day activities.

Day One: Attend a dance rehearsal with Anthony, kick your wife out of the room, watch your kid do a face plant onto her bad knee, deal with your wife running back in and getting all IToldYouSo up in your face and then taking that same kid outside for a heart to heart on why she isn’t allowed to roller skate at her sister’s Birthday Party.

Shawn explained that roller skating was just too dangerous.  One good fall (…Number Two if you count the one she just completed before stepping outside with Dad…) and her WannaBeyoncé career would be over before it even started.

The one thing he didn’t explain was how his shirt got that big tear on the right side of his waistline like someone knifed him on the way over.  What kind of neighborhood do these people live in?

Hopefully Day Two will be better, dude.

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And then the longest pink limo ever rolled up to take everyone to the party.  The whole gang was there, ready for manis, pedis and some roller derby action.

After a quick trip to the spa, everyone hit the rink for pizza and skating.  Even Nana Vicky and Gina were up for getting down tonight, along with whoever that lady with all the blonde ’80s hair was.  Yikes.  If you look quick, I swear that Kristie tried to push Gina down, but that could be editing again or Gina taking too long getting her wheels going.

Asia looked a little mopey watching the festivities from the sidelines, but she explained it away by letting us know that someday when she was more famous than you, she would buy the whole damn rink and make everyone pay to watch her skate in a circle.

Divas to the Skate Floor.

Side note:  Originally, Kristie had intended to pull Asia out of the party early for a photo shoot, but I knew she wouldn’t.

Girlfriend loves her family…and cake…way too much to leave leftovers on the table.

And it’s not a Birthday without presents, right?  Surprise!!

Blu Ray got a life-size pink car that she and Asia immediately confiscated and drove out the front door like bank robbers.  Apparently roller skating is too dangerous for an upcoming mega-star, but driving a Barbie Hummer straight into oncoming traffic is not.

Because that’s what almost happened until Shawn jumped a hydrant and saved the day.

Hit the gas, Blu Ray.

Next stop:  Planet Hollywood.

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Dance Moms: If You’re Gonna Talk The Talk, You Better Walk The Dawg. It’s 3 Soloists, But Only One Star…For Now.

Wednesday, August 13th, 2014

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If I turn this way, you can totally tell I only had time to curl three pieces of hair before breakfast.

 

 

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I am phoning it in this week. Maybe what we need is fewer Girl Parties and more sugar.

 

 

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Nia in a dog collar? I swear, if that electric fence around the Moms wasn’t turned on right now…

 

 

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The Ellen Show has a game where you fall in a box and are never heard from again. Hmmm…

 

 

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I got carded at the Teen Choice Awards after-party! And Zac Efron was totally checking this out!

 

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Yeah. I know, right? Claire’s was having a sale. Look who’s wearing a trendy new headband!

 

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Really? So this how we’re gonna play the game today?

 

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I was wondering if you had one of those logo t-shirts in XS. And if you could make today suck any harder.

 

 

Here we go.

Another episode of Dance Moms.

And for the second week in a row, the New Team was MIA.  On hiatus, Abby called it. 

Just so we’re clear.  Abby spent the bulk of two seasons crossing the country looking for her new and improved Dream Team, threatening the Old Dream Team with their imminent arrival on a daily basis, auditioning them, training them, dressing them in ALDC tube tops and then ended up only using them twice before sending everyone on Spring Break?

Really?  Why didn’t somebody send me a text? I would have totally dropped everything and gone down to one of the Open Call Auditions if I had known it was only a two week commitment.  I never leave the house without my ATM card and some leg warmers, so that wouldn’t have been an issue.  Boy Scouts are always prepared, you know.

So yes, they were down a few dancers.  But no worries, because what they lacked in bodies this time around, they more than made up for in drama and headbands.

A lot of headbands, actually.  They were heavy on the headgear this week.

I blame that new girl Kamryn Beck for single handedly bringing back the noggin noodle.  She’s the one who was late to her first day at the ALDC because she was out in the parking lot notating the molecular density of a complex mixture of asphalt and mineral aggregates, trying to determine if the hydrocarbons were insoluble in carbon disulfide.

Seriously.  All I asked this chick to do was fill the damn potholes, not add another page to her resume.  Over-achieve, much?

We even got a quick flashback of the Kia Kamster listing off everything that she accomplishes in a day before I even get my a** out of bed.  Nice headband, by the way.

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As the Old Team scooted in for the Geometric Shape of Shame (…it wasn’t even a Pyramid, fercryinoutloud…) they were already down another dancer because Melissa and the oldest Ziegler were off in Hollywood taping The Ellen Show, where Maddie would be recreating the Sia music video.  This television appearance would give Maddie some serious national network exposure as well as give Abby the opportunity to say Maddie’s name like a mantra every 15 seconds for the remainder of the show.

Truth.  If you edit out the word ‘Maddie’ from this week’s episode there were only about 247 other words spoken for the entire hour and most of them were just Holly saying “OhNoTheyDin’t just put a dog collar on my baby” over and over again.

Count ‘em.  I ain’t lying.

So the Pyramid of Shame was really just a square this time.  Maddie was on the bottom row because she was in Hollywood, which messed with my head because I thought the Pyramid was based on LAST week’s results, not the current week.

Poor punching bag Chloe was also in the basement because she fell during the “Broken Dolls” group routine.  I forget the exact ballet terminology for the move she wiped out on, but it sounded like when someone makes fun of how British people talk.

The final spot on the bottom was for Nia.  Ballet’s not really her thing either, but it doesn’t matter since we’re still in the International Year Of The Nia.  Snap in a Z formation.

The top row was home to newbie Sarah H., MackZ and Kendall.  Nothing earth shattering to report.  Sarah was still shaking.  Kendall didn’t appear to be breathing at all.  And MackZ get penalized for being short.  Thankfully her fish lip headshot was on the mirror or I would have completely forgotten she was on the show this week.

Abby announced that the gang would be heading to Shenandoah Valley for the Powerhouse Dance Competition.  Kendall, Nia and Chloe all scored solos and the group number was entitled “Gypsies, Tramps And Thieves.”

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But not the hoochie kind of tramps.  Abby was quick to point out that these tramps were like Charlie Chaplin tramps.  So they weren’t dirty.

I dunno if it’s still fallout from that fiasco when the girls were all naked dancing with fans or what, but somebody in the Legal Department always seems to make sure Abby clarifies that nothing is ever dirty anymore.

Charlie Chaplin ate a shoe, but he wasn’t nasty.  Are we clear?

As the girls started rehearsing the not-dirty group number, the Moms hit the MomPerch to discuss this whole Maddie Thang.  New Christ-y could already tell that Abby was grooming Maddie for super stardom and playing favorites.  Old Christi didn’t want to gossip, because you didn’t hear it from her, but she had heard that Sia’s studio called the ALDC looking for girls and somehow the whole thing ended up being an opportunity that was only offered to Maddie.

(Full Disclosure:  Old Christi also went on a Twitter bender after the episode and said that the show was edited and that she didn’t exactly say that exactly and that what she said wasn’t exactly…you know.  That also sounds exactly like I creep her on Twitter, which I don’t.  Because she won’t exactly follow me on Twitter.  So there’s that, too.)

My MomCrush Jill was understandably concerned that Kendall was once again only playing the role of Maddie and not really getting a chance to shine on her own.  I was understandably concerned that we were already three episodes into Season 4.5 and Jill hadn’t worn anything crazy yet.

I’m gonna need my girl to put on some ostrich feathers and throw a shoe pretty soon or we might have to break up.  I don’t wanna say I started something, but America lives for the Jill Vertes Fashion Watch.  I hope Daddy Vertes didn’t cut up her Chico’s card.

With three days to go before competition, Melissa and Mini-Sia were back in the hizzle bragging about their time with Ellen DeGeneres.  Maddie had slayed her performance, Sia had oddly faced the wall with her clothes on backwards for the entire song and Melissa had neglected to bring back even one postcard for her friends.

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Since Maddie was on another level now (…ALDC MindGames: The Sequel, coming soon to a theater near you…) Abby decided that Maddie should assist in the choreography.

That went over well as the solo rehearsals kicked into high gear.

Kendall’s prop was going to be a mirror and a big ol’ Phantom of the Opera scar on her right cheek.  Clearly, not just another pretty face.

Chloe had apparently somehow missed 4 years of dance classes and according to Abby was no longer a contender for the top titles, which made me want to immediately go and post a sad face on her Instagram account.  We love Chloe and her pouty face.

And then Nia came out in a dog collar and the party really got started.

Abby wanted Nia’s “Underdog” routine to be truly authentic, complete with barking and other canine randomness.  Holly wanted to go downstairs, take off her shoes and earrings and just lose her nutty but she knew how much Nia hates standing around in a dog collar and Petco leash while her Mom has a stroke.  So she didn’t.

And me?  Well, apparently I wasn’t paying attention in the beginning when Abby handed out the solos because up until this point I thought Nia was going to be the “Have no Fear! Underdog is Here!” cartoon.

Not gonna lie.  A little disappointed.

Holly was quick to point out that Jazz Dog Dances don’t win many trophies, which is exactly the discussion I was having over cocktails the other night.  What are the chances?

During another group rehearsal, I believe that MackZ and Sarah were somewhere in the building, but I didn’t actually see them.  Upstairs, Jill did some quick math in her head and realized that Maddie had somehow learned Kendall’s dance behind everyone’s back and wanted Melissa to fess up about how this keeps happening.

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Now I don’t know enough about home schooling to make any judgements, and I know people who are both for and against the topic, but when Jill pointed out that Maddie only goes to the kitchen table for one hour a day and Kendall goes to public school for 8 hours a day, I was all like Wait…What?

I’m leaving the debate for all the Gymboree chat rooms.  I’m not getting in the middle of this one.  All I know is that when I was in public school and I suggested that we only stay in homeroom for one hour and then go to the cafetorium and dance for the rest of the day, I got sent home with a note for my parents.  So I dunno wassup with kids nowadays.

But somehow Maddie got a private with Gia and learned the dance just in case Kendall disappeared in the woods behind the studio.

Chloe struggled a bit while practicing her solo because she hadn’t gotten to the studio until 3pm that day (…gah, school…) whereas Maddie had been at the studio since 8:30am.  Clearly the Ziegler Gurlz do their one hour of home schooling before sunrise while Melissa milks the cows out back in the barn.

And speaking of Gia.  She came in with the not-dirty-at-all Gypsy costumes and once again…one costume short.  No Tramp Tights for little Sarah.

Will somebody please dig through that landfill of a front desk and find Abby’s calculator so she can finally get a proper headcount?  Thank you.

Needless to say, Christ-y got all Not Very Christ-y-like and started to come unscrewed.

Side note:  Anyone else notice Christ-y’s hair?  I don’t know if she was in the middle of curling her hair when the Leggo My Eggos popped up or what, but she never finished.  It looked like when QVC demonstrates that contraption that gives you soft, luxurious beachy curls but they only do a few of them so you can see the Before and After difference.

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But it didn’t really matter, because the next thing you know Abby told Christ-y to pray to the God of FedEx (…good luck with that by the way, I try it every Christmas Eve…) and then all of the sudden she called Abby ‘Trash’ and got both herself and her tiny girl kicked out of the competition.  Again.

I swear it’s gonna be a race to see who has that stroke first.  Holly or Sarah.

Deep, deep…way deep…down Abby still has a heart I guess, because she felt bad and offered Sarah the chance to join them on the bus as long as her Mom didn’t come along.  Unfortunately, Christ-y wouldn’t let Sarah out of her sight and ended up taking her back home.  Where she has been “since birth.”

Which didn’t creep me out at all.

I guess four Dance Moms, five tweeny bops, a fleet of cameramen, two sound guys, my boy Director Jimmy and a bus driver who looks like Santa without a beard aren’t trustworthy enough to babysit Sarah for a sleepover at the Ramada.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Kendall’s costume was basically Maddie’s costume.  Jill was momentarily mesmerized by all the pretty sparkly stuff and it gave me hope that once the weather cools off a little bit, the Jill Vertes Fashion Watch will be back in full swing.

Nia’s costume was pretty elaborate and did kind of look like what you would expect a dog to look like if you put lipstick on it and let it do a Death Drop for treats.

Love me some Nia.  Even if it wasn’t the International…blah blah blah.  She’s awesome.

Chloe had on a leotard.  That’s all.  And an ALDC logo on her chest.  If Abby had thought to put “Kick Me” on her back with glitter glue she probably would have.  The only thing on stage lamer than her costume was the actual Powerhouse logo.  I don’t know why Abby has to be so mean to our little Chloebird.

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All the solos went amazeballs.  I could totally relate to how hard it is to dance while holding a vanity mirror.  Just saying.

And can we all just take a moment to truly appreciate Jill’s face while Kendall was dancing?  What the What was going on there?  Mama likes, I guess.

Miss Nia got all Mad Dawg and got it done.  She marked every judge’s hydrant, if you know whaddimean.  Take that, Abby.  Who let the dawgs out now?

Chloe got even taller and more graceful than last week.

Results:  Nia 4th.  Chloe 2nd.  Kendall 1st.

The group routine wasn’t dirty at all and came in First Place.  There was also a special award given to the emcee for rocking that argyle sweater and TJMaxx hat.  (Don’t forget that Back to School sales are already in progress, people.  Shop early.)

Back in the Science Lab/Makeup Room (…Seriously.  How many people do you think Googled the word “Homeostasis” after seeing that construction paper ransom note all over the back wall?…) Abby was still being Abby.

They team did good.  Very good, in fact.

But never good enough.  Maybe they needed to be threatened all the time.  Maybe they needed a new dancer or two to keep them on their sickled toes.

Maybe Nia could make a few more of those reactionary backstage faces, because they were The.  Best.  Ever.

Augh.  New dancers again?

Ruh Roh.

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Dance Moms: The In10sity Wasn’t Just On The Ohio Stage This Week. Maddie And Gino Sitting In A Tree…

Friday, August 8th, 2014

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Just so we’re clear. You’re a guest in my house. And my hair was straight when I walked in the door.

 

 

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It’s easy, sweetie. I just always pretend there’s frosting on his face like this… Nom Nom Nom.

 

 

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Now we’re talking. Lemme just put some new elastics on my braces and we’ll start this party.

 

 

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Yeah. Not so much. But if I could pry Kendall’s Mom off Zac Efron? Totes McGotes yeah.

 

 

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Long as everyone’s handing out kisses, somebody with sunglasses on her head is wearing flavored Chapstick.

 

 

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I hope I don’t hurt any of the kids when I throw myself through that plate glass window.

 

 

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I dunno. I can’t explain my hair, either. The box said it was easy but I didn’t have time to read the directions.

 

 

 

It’s true, you know.

Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.

And girls make crazy faces when kissing boy’s braces.  Or something like that.

I forget exactly how it goes.  But regardless, you heard it here first.

Dance Moms was back this week and clearly our little bunheads are growing up.  Gone are the days of just counting how many somersaults Mackenzie can do before she loses another baby tooth on stage.  Now her name is MackZ, yo.  She’s got some pretty substantial Big Girl teeth coming in and an iTunes download moving up the charts.

Then there’s Maddie in that punk white Sia wig, getting all tangled up in hotel curtains, clinging to music video door frames and just generally freaking me out a little.

I mean, did you see her in that skin colored leotard getting all jiggy wid it?  Next thing you know she’ll be kissing boys, I tell you.  But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

First things first.  Which is always The Pyramid of Shame.

As everyone trampled in for another round of geometric humiliation, it was obvious that the herd had thinned a bit.  After scooping up their second First Place trophy in two weeks, the New Team had already been given a week off as a reward for their hard work.

Really?  Two weeks on.  One week off?  Not a bad gig if you can get it.  Where do I sign?

Hopefully, the New Team was putting the time off to good use.

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I’m thinking the Mall, maybe.

Jeanette‘s lawyer had mentioned to me in the Cease & Desist paperwork that she wanted to hit up some legging/jegging sales at (…anywhere but…) Forever 21, so this week was probably as good a time as any to get it done.  Tami definitely needed some new pants, because I can’t imagine that she wears those booty shorts year round.  I remember seeing on the Weather Channel that it gets really cold in Pittsburgh.

And you know Tracey needed to get something done with that bald spot in the back of her head.  There can’t be anything left back there after Tami snatched it during that whole front desk football tackle fiasco last week.

As for the other two Moms, Loree clearly already goes to Ann Taylor Loft every week, so she probably wouldn’t be tagging along.  And I’m sure Jodi was tied up helping Kamryn prepare for her bar exam or city council campaign or whatever the hell Little Miss OverAchiever 2014 was doing to keep herself busy during the break.

We love Kammie, if that’s her nickname.  Or the Kia Kamster, which I prefer.

Moral of the story:  All the newbies were MIA.

Except for shaky pup Sarah H., that is.  She stuck around as a “guest” of the Original Recipe Team this week.  Which meant that her Mom Christy (…with a Y…) also somehow snuck back in the building when Security went outside for a cigarette.

I’m thinking that even Abby is getting tired of the Pyramid lately, because once again it was just a straight line of photos with one straggler above the rest.  Seriously.  I could have done that myself with a yardstick and some double stick tape.

The entire Original Recipe Team was on the bottom because of their (…alleged…) bad attitude, both on and off the stage, when the New Team scored First Place last week.

Which meant that Sarah was on top by default, since she had performed with the winning group.  Which also meant that Holly and her soon-to-be patented HollyFace got all like SayWhaaa-?! and my MomCrush Jill did that eye roll thing that makes her bangs flick.

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Did I already mention that it was also National Dress Your Mom In Black And White And Take Her To Work Day?  Because it totally was.

Every single Mom.  Black and White.  Like they were doing back-up for the Rhythm Nation Tour or something.  Even that New Mom.

And she had on horizontal stripes, which…well, you know…

This week they were headed to In10sity Dance Competition in Cleveland, Ohio.  Candy Apple’s turf.  Cue the drama.

The group routine was called “Broken Dolls” since…der…they were all broken dolls after losing two weeks in a row.  The Moms felt that the girls were neither broken dolls nor sore losers, but had simply seen through Abby’s SetUpToFail master plan and reacted realistically when the results were announced.

Abby felt that she should just ignore their completely logical point of view and instead pimp out her recent appearance on Dancing With The Stars a few hundred times.

If you didn’t take a shot every time she mentioned DWTS and pass out before the first commercial break, then you learned that there was also going to be a DWTS-inspired duet entitled “That Girl Has Got To Be Kissed” starring Maddie and…wait for it…Gino Cosculluela.  (Insert tweeny bop swoon here, please: ____________ )

Gino is a tiny little charmer who looks like a CNN anchor and used to dance up in Ohio at the Evil Dance Lair.   He also always freaks out my Macbook’s auto spellcheck.  His Dad Mickey (…like the Mouse…) got a little nutty on Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein the last time we saw him but apparently had not been buried alive behind the Beef Jerky Outlet as reported previously.

If Mickey was a Bronx Butcher he would totally be the kind of Bronx Butcher who throws meat against the wall if the cut isn’t right and then says something bad with his hands.

Father and Son would be arriving later.  Hold that thought.

Meanwhile, up in Ohio, Cathy was wasting no time getting right down to business.

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And under Abby’s skin.

She was also messing up my television’s HD color balance buttons a little with whatever was going on with that new hair cut of hers.  Whoa.  It was like her original striped crazy hair was back, but cranked up a notch or two with the addition of a few chunky pieces that the stylist forgot to snip off.  Sometimes it even looked like she had just ripped the bleaching cap off out back and ran in for her scenes.  Looking a little moist up there.

One of the dreamy Nicks on her team was off in Spain doing something this week.  And Zack Attack Torres was doing something extra curricular with his dance, which I thought was strange since I always considered dance to already be extra curricular.  But whatever.

So in their place were newbies Evan and Alyssa.  A duet team to go up against the ALDC duet team, of course.

Evan was a cutie who kind of looked like he was wearing fake 1920’s hair and should have a Clark Gable mustache if he was old enough to grow one.  His Mom Vida had those big earrings you buy on Martha’s Vineyard when it’s too rainy to go to the beach.

Alyssa looked like she could be on DWTS in a few years (…shotski!…) but her Mom Meredith looked too young to actually be her Mom.  I’m going to need to see her driver’s license and then find out what moisturizer she uses.

The only two recognizable Moms left at the CADC were Brigette and Joanne.  We like Brigette because she’s always posting Twitter pictures and her kids are Lady Killers.  And of course we like Jo because she flipped every switch in the building that time Lucas called her kid a pissy little bitch, or whatever it was he said.

Chaos Cathy also had to finagle a new guest choreographer this time around since she had made Anthony Burrell so mad that he took off to do that Raising Asia Show.  And this time it was a doozy:  John Culbertson.

He’s the gentleman who may or may not have noodled Abby back in the day (…she does like her boys named John…) and has a Crest White Strips smile that won’t go away.  I’m sure you’ll remember him when you see him.  I don’t know if he bleaches his teeth or just always has a Miami tan, but you could read books without a nightlight if he was under the covers smiling up at you.

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And that totally didn’t come out the way I intended it, but you get where I was going with it.

The next day it was National Dress Your Mom In Pastels And Take Her To Work Day as the ALDC ladies hit the MomPerch during rehearsals.

According to the Frazier Frizz-O-Meter, the stress level had dramatically increased in only 24 hours.  I will go to my grave believing that the more curl in Dr. Beyoncé‘s hair: the more anxiety in the room.  You are welcome to  go back and check the tapes from any previous season if you don’t believe me and my completely unscientific research claims.

Maybe I should have Kamryn do a thesis on it or something.  It’ll give her something to do after she splits a few atoms in the lab and lands on Pluto.

As soon as Christ-y All Might-y started doing what she does best, Holly was all like “You’re a guest and that’s how it works.”  Two snaps.  Now hand me my hot rollers.

Back in Ohio, John was still smiling.

And then Maddie kissed Gino.  Eventually, anyway.

First they had to dork all over each other and giggle and run away to get Cootie Shots and then come back and wait for Maddie to completely melt down while Gino stood there looking like he’d just seen his first Playboy magazine.  Slow it down and re-watch it a few times.  If you don’t have acid flashbacks to your first cafetorium dance, then you’re lying.

You also know that Gino’s gonna put his retainer in that little black t-shirt pocket when it’s supposed to be in his mouth.

Finally, it was Kiss Time!  And they did it.  On the lips.  And then Maddie guaranteed Gino about 17 years of psychological shock therapy by running out of the studio like some rabid raccoon had jumped out of a garbage can and bitten her straight in the face.

Gah.  Chicks.

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As the competition date grew closer, rehearsals finished up just under the wire as Christ-y kept getting more and more un-Christ-y like with Mickey.  She went a few rounds with him over whether Gino or Sarah should become part of the ALDC crew before he bailed on that crazy bitch and went downstairs to show Gino how a real man kisses the owner of a dance studio.

Wait.  What?

Thank you Christ-y for stopping that one before it burned into my plasma screen.  Mickey wet kissing Abby is not something I need in my life right now, thank you.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Since the event was being held in Ohio, all the Candy Apple groupies were on site with their hilariously bedazzled glitter glue poster paper signs and high pitched screams.  Something about how Brigette was carrying her giant coffee cup into the building also struck me as funny.  Not sure why.

Once everyone got settled into their makeup rooms, Abby found out that one of her many Johns was in the building and scooted out into the lobby for an emotionless hug.  Hope she didn’t get any of that fake tan on her during that fake hug.

(Come on.  JC had to be wearing some bronzer.  That tan was way too perfect, even by Miami standards.  Ask Brigette.  He was the same color as her Starbucks.)

I’m just jealous, Johnny.  Still friends?

Evan and Alyssa’s duet was great.  She was all flowy and fluttery.  He was all business on the top, party on the bottom.  How he managed to score a pair of Tami’s booty shorts in his size is beyond me.

Dude.  Not cool.  Not even with a fake mustache.  I don’t ever want to see those again.

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Maddie and Gino made out (…pun totally intended…) just fine in their DWTS-inspired duet.  With his little pink tie, Gino looked even more like he should be sitting in for Anderson Cooper while he’s on assignment in Istanbul.  Propped up on a couple of phonebooks, Gino totally has the forehead for news.

Both groups did well.  The Candy Apples “Conspiracy” dance looked like a bunch of Sheraton Bell Boys who had accidentally stumbled upon enemy secrets when somebody’s suitcase popped open in the elevator.  It was pretty slick.

The ALDC girls were broken ballerina dolls, complete with pink tutus and Pinocchio elbow joints.  Unfortunately, Chloe fell in slow motion coming out of a turn and that got Abby a little twisted in the audience.

But it didn’t effect their score, because the busted ballet took First Place, with the Candy Apples coming in Second Place.

The results were reversed in the Duet category, however, partly due to Gino showing too much CNN face and not enough of the ALDC version.  Abby didn’t like that and demanded that Gino and his Dad immediately evacuate the premises like they had just stolen something.  Not even a goodbye kiss.  After all that practice.

And then finally, since they were in Ohio and all, it was time for a quick hallway confrontation with Cathy.  The usual fat jokes and big nose jokes and then something about a $40 cow, which went right over my head since I’ve never priced cows in the open market.

There was also one of those plastic shelving units that Honey Boo Boo Child and her Mama use to stack all their mayonnaise directly behind all the Dance Moms while they were bickering.  It was for the Lost & Found, according to the sign, which I thought was odd since people could easily just walk right by and steal stuff off the shelves while everyone was looking at Cathy’s a**.

But I guess that would count as ‘Found.’

And then it was over for another week.

Until next time…

Muah.

Kisses.

c1


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