Posts Tagged ‘Abby Lee Miller’

Dance Moms: Girl, Pleez…Do Not Even Tell Me This Is Nia’s Last Chance. It’s All About Those New Rules In Philly.

Wednesday, March 18th, 2015

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Here you go, Sparky. I just need you to keep the tags on in case you go crazy pants on me again.

 

 

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She was all up in my face and that nasty perfume Jill keeps buying her was burning my eyes.

 

 

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Like I’ve only been Holly’s BFF for 12 minutes and she already flat ironed my bangs. Besties!

 

 

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I wasn’t even paying attention, but doing a Manicure Dance sounds awesome. I hope it’s Acro-crylic.

 

 

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Srsly. My life, tho.

 

 

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Mommy loves you, Baby. But nobody touches my hair when it’s on point. You know the rules.

 

 

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This is why I quit doing the windows at Macy’s. These things weigh a ton.

 

 

 

With apologies to Billy Joel, of course.

It comes down to reality (…TV…)

And it’s fine with me ’cause I’ve let it slide.

Don’t care if it’s Chinatown or on the Riverside.  Or even Philly, actually.

I’m in a New York Dance Experience State of Mind.

Or outta my mind, maybe.

That would depend on which Dance Mom you talk to, I guess.

After getting back some of their post-Hollywood mojo and unleashing a beatdown on the Candy Apples last week, Abby Lee Miller and Company were ready to see if lightening could strike twice with a trip to the New York Dance Experience competition in beautiful downtown Philadelphia.  Because Philly ain’t just for cream cheese anymore.

Apparently, due to its proximity to NYC, Philadelphia is now crawling with Broadway wannabes who like their critiques LIVE and instantaneous.  At least according to Abby, anyway, because that’s how this latest event was going to work the score sheets.

You dance.  And then you stand there while the judges give you tough love.

Yikes.

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Clearly, the team was going to have to be on their A Game for this one.  Maybe even their A Plus Game.  But not before the Pyramid of Shame.

Because rules are rules.

As everyone stampeded into the studio, it was clear that there was still a division between the Moms.  But why?

Holly blamed it on Jill and Melissa‘s lack of support and for them not having her back when it came to all the seemingly endless conflicts with Abby.  Kira blamed Jill and Melissa because of that time Jill swore at her and she misinterpreted it as talking s*** about her kid, I think.  I forget exactly how it all went down.  But there was definitely a lot of bleeping during that conversation.  And something about credit fraud.

I remember that part.

Jessalynn blamed Jill and Melissa because somehow between the end of last week’s episode and the opening credits for this week she had become Holly’s new BFF.

F’realz.  They were like totes Besties now.  OMG.  And I was like so jealz.

Personally, I blame MattyB, because nobody should be that young and that famous.  He literally tore apart three friendships and his hair didn’t even move.  That ain’t rite.

As everyone fell into position, each girl carried in one of those 5 x 7 note cards that my boy Andy Cohen always holds during Real Housewives Reunion Shows and I got myself a little worked up that Teresa Giudice had somehow broken out of prison and was hiding out in Pittsburgh.  Because that would have been awesome.

Psych.

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Abby had just assigned everyone homework.  And the class was  Freshman Hazing 101.

Suddenly, it was Rush Week at the ALDCFU Sorority as each girl read something good and something bad about Honey Bow Bow Child JoJo until she cried.  And I’m not making that up.  And I make up a lot of stuff.

There was even a CNN satellite truck stuck in one of the potholes outside the building, getting ready to break into the broadcast with another story on how out of control the Greek system is on our college campuses today.  But they couldn’t.

Because of the potholes.  Five seasons later.

But all the emotional scarring was worth it in the end when Abby announced that BowBowJoJo was finally, officially (…albeit kinda sorta temporarily…) a member of the ALDC Team!  Really?  Now way.  Way.  Really.

Come on down and get your track jacket, you crazy NutJob!

The sacred jacket.  I swear.  That’s what Abby called it.

I don’t know what makes it sacred.  Or how sacred it really is, but I’m going to assume it’s somewhere between that religious Shroud on CNN and the eBay potato chip that looks like Elvis Presley.

Side note:  What are the chances that Dance Moms and CNN would both be on the same cutting edge when it comes to story lines lately?  That’s two Breaking News Bulletins already and we haven’t even revealed the Pyramid.

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Which was just a straight line with Maddie‘s picture on top, BTW.  So there you go.

This week Maddie, Kendall and Nia all scored solos.  Maddie was going to be a mannequin.  Kendall was going to dance like that lady with the big hat who dragged her steamer trunks up the loading ramp onto the Titanic and Nia was going to place in the Top Five with her ‘Color Purple’ routine or never get a solo again.  Because Abby said so.

Poor Sasha.  She just can’t cut a break with that lady lately.

I’m thinking that Nia is the new Chloe.  Who was the new Paige.  Who was the new Brooke.  Abby always seems to need at least one chew toy to gnaw on each season.

Golly, I miss those Hyland kids.  (Hey, girls!  Give your Mom a slap for me.)

Kidding.  Kidding.  Is that lawsuit even still going on?  I don’t get home in time to watch TMZ anymore.  Violence is never the answer, kids, but it would probably be ok if you wanted to put that iconic backroom slap into the Time Capsule with Teresa Giudice flipping a restaurant table and a couple episodes of the Maury Show.

The Circle of Life.  See what I did there?

The group dance was going to be a a Decadent Darlings’ 1920s Musical Theater period piece.  Abby was so sick and tired of all the Moms asking for something besides Lyrical that she was willing to give up a guaranteed First Place spot this week by throwing in choreography that was out of everyone’s comfort zone just to prove a point.

The point being:  It’s Abby’s name on the outside of the building and don’tchoo fergit it.jv

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  My MomCrush was on fiyah.  Easily a Top Three Bump-It week.  And don’t even get me started on her winter white Lost In Space vest.

Danger, Will Robinson.  Hot Stuff Ahead.

While the girls rehearsed their respective routines, Holly, Kira and Jessalyn had a private three-way Pinky Swear Moment up in the MomPerch as they united in their newly formed friendship.  Jessalynn called it a ‘pact’ which was a little too Summer Camp for me, but I could see where she was going with that one.  Unfortunately, when Jill and Melissa got wind of the newly formed Three Musketeers they were not big fans.

It’s always sad to see long term friendships get a little wobbly, but I’m still holding out hope that everyone hugs it out sooner than later because the last thing I want to end up doing is sitting in dead silence between Holly and Jill in some restaurant when they finally come to Boston and take me to lunch.  Which they totally better be planning while they’re laying around on some beach in Australia right now.

I mean, seriously.  Expense it to Lifetime.  They’ll never know.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier Reference:  Yup.  There was one of those.

Kendall’s rehearsal went well, despite Abby barking at her the entire time as she tried to maneuver around a pile of suitcases like one of those military guys who rappel down the side of a building to rescue hostages.

Sit.  Fan.  Rinse.  Spit.  Duck.  Cover.  Roll.  Attitude.  h1 2

A lot of things to remember if you ask me.

Nia, on the other hand, got the even shorter end of the stick.  Again.

Abby was having a hard time letting go of the whole Hollywood MattyB music video thing (…See?  Told you so.  I called it…) and was using her personal issues with Holly to try and drag Nia down even further than the last time she tried to drag her down.

But Nia was strong.  She’s not that little 3 year old baby anymore, lady.  She was mature and respectful and asked Abby why she couldn’t keep the Mama Drama separate from the dancing.  Good question.

Abby doesn’t like sneaky people and liars.  Or murderers, which was an oddly uncomfortable comparison given that Nia only cut a single, not someone’s throat.

But Abby doesn’t like sneaky people.  Or liars.  Or axe murderers.  Nia, on the other hand, doesn’t really like getting yelled at by Abby.

And I don’t like people who don’t buy Nia’s new iTunes single, which you can totally download right here if you want to stay on my good side.  Because you know how I get.

But I digress.

Outside in the hallway, Holly and Nia had a heart to heart discussion.  It was clear that Nia was not going to be broken down by a mean spirited dance teacher and that Holly’s hair looked pretty amazing considering how stress usually makes everything go whacky.a1

Finally, it was Showtime!

And finally, that little screaming girl with the gigantic hair bow wasn’t spliced into the scene again going completely bonkers in the crowd.  Nice we could give that clip a week’s rest.

Side note:  Please refer to last week’s recap if you have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about.  That way you can quench your thirst for knowledge and I can get more Google hits like Perez Hilton.  Cuz watch your back, dude.  I’m coming for you.

But there were still plenty of screaming kids, don’t you worry.  It’s just that this time they were precariously perched on a moving mall escalator instead of a flat sidewalk.  So much for holding the railing and looking straight ahead like the yellow sign says.

I’m surprised they weren’t trying to bring strollers down the hill with overstuffed H&M bags on top of their babies’ heads.  Because they do that, you know.  With their white Sidekicks wedged between their left ear and shoulder so they can dip Auntie Anne’s pretzel sticks into hot mustard with their free hand.

I know, right?  Working retail through college really made me a People Person.

Rachel Rak Alert:  The “Sas” is back!

Over the top and out of her chair, everyone’s favorite judge from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition was back to smile, whip her hair, bite the apple and get all Flashdance on everyone’s a** just like she did when she used to sit next to Richy Jackson.

Once a judge, always a judge I guess.

For old time’s sake, I gave her two finger waves and a head snap since Richy was apparently too busy doing GagaStuff to be bothered with showing up in Pennsylvania this week.  There was also some hip hop guy and a woman who looked like that lady from Florence and the Machine, but all that really mattered was that The Sas Was Back and throwing sparkly attitude straight into everyone’s unprotected eyes.rr

According to the rules, after each dance, a woman who I believe does the weather on Philly FOX29 was going to come out and ask the judges for their input.  The judges would then talk into a microphone that looked exactly like those beer hoses that come out of a keg, so I don’t really now what was going on under that table to be honest.

But Rachel was liking it.  A lot.

Nia was first up with her solo and got amazing notes from the judges.  Maddie and Kendall followed and actually received more negative feedback than Nia, which made Holly, Kira and Jessalyn do an impromptu Three Amigo football wave right out of their chairs.

Side note:  Abby didn’t crack a smile during Nia’s performance, but almost needed a cigarette by the time Maddie was done performing.  I’m sure some of it was editing, since that’s what Abby always says on Twitter at 10:01pm after the show ends every week.

But, still.

And speaking of editing.  We finally got rid of Spazzy HairBowGirl in the bus arrival scene (…who I LOVE, don’t get me wrong…) only to have her replaced by a clip of the ALDC girls entering the backstage Green Room not ONCE…but TWICE.

Count ’em.  Busted.

How many times is Kalani gonna hold that door open?  It’s only a one hour show, people.

Anyone else see that?  This show is seriously  messing with my OCD ADD LOL issues.  If Holly and Jill aren’t gonna get up here and pay for my lunch pretty soon, I’m going to Lifetime Studios and take over for all the post-production editors they must be firing.  Then cocktails will be on me, ladies.j

Side note:  Yes, I am probably the worst person to take to the movies since I’m constantly on the lookout for bloopers.  I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive Kevin Costner for driving the wrong way on that one way street in front of Fenway Park.

But thanks for asking.

The group routine was all about that Charleston.

The girls actually looked like they were having fun doing something besides lyrical leg extensions.  Even the audience loved it.

Unfortunately, fun doesn’t always translate into a First Place trophy.  Not even Second Place sometimes.  The ALDC only pulled Third, which Jill felt could have been a result of the fractured Moms rubbing off on their children.  But we’ll never know for sure.

As stressful as the group result was, the solo awards that came right before that announcement were even worse.  Nobody won nuthin until the very last minute when Maddie took First Place for her mannequin dance.  You didn’t hear it from me, but she’s certainly getting her money’s worth from that skin colored Sia leotard.  Just saying.

Carrying her on stage like you were setting up a Prom display at Barney’s was pretty clever, tho.  I’ll give Abby her props for that one.

And how about that little niblet from another studio who won Fifth Place?  They put the medal around her neck and she fell over.  What was she, like 3 years old?  So cute.

Kendall didn’t place.  Nia didn’t place.

Which meant that backstage, things went exactly as you would expect.

Abby threatened to put nothing but lyrical dances on stage until the day she died.  Then she threatened Nia with no more solos.  Then everyone lost it, screaming something about pacts and making friendship bracelets out of yarn and gum wrappers.h

I say it every week.  You don’t mess with a Mother’s love for their kid.  But can you put your kid first and still support your friends?  And what is with all this favoritism after all these years?  Did we learn nothing from The Slap?

It was hard to tell who was on whose side by the end.  I swear, if you walk out of the room and come right back to your television with a snack, somebody’s loyalty has already shifted in the 30 seconds it took you to open the refrigerator.

Abby said these Dance Moms just need to get in their car, go home and make dinner.

Wait.  What?

Holly has a PhD.  I don’t think opening a box of Mac and Cheese is her only option if you keep punching her in the gut.  I’d be careful if I were you, ma’am.

As a matter of fact, this is what it might look like if Holly left.  Because she did.  She got right up and walked out of the room like she was channeling Christi or something.

Done.  I’m done.

I lost count of how many times Jill said “Holly, please don’t leave” because I ran out of fingers right before my DVR timed out.  Kira and Jessalynn only speaking in static morse code all like “She.  I.  You.  But.  We.” didn’t help my concentration either.

Melissa and Jill scooted out after Holly, but didn’t really accomplish much.  But they’re not giving up hope just yet.  Even the worst fractures can be reset and heal up just fine over time.  So we need to fix this now, before they all head back to California for Round Two.

But not next week.

Next week is The Return of Candy Apples.

You heard me.  She’s baaaack.

To be continued…

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Dance Moms: Sorry, Sheriff. This Town Ain’t Big Enough For Two Maddies. It’s A Showdown At The Jersey Corral.

Wednesday, March 11th, 2015

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I’m looking at you with my It’s Been A Week And You Still Haven’t Downloaded My Single Side Eye.

 

 

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Am I the only one who sees Godzilla busting through the wall behind me? What is this place?

 

 

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OMG! It’s me again! It’s like I just follow the ALDC tour bus around and scream my brains out!!!

 

 

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I said you’re falling out of your damn dress and the Candy Apples are gonna win the whole thing.

 

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Don’t turn around, but how the hell did Vivi-Anne get that underwear model for a babysitter?

 

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Girl, you do NOT want me to put my phone down and lift my leg up right here in the hallway.

 

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Honestly, I just wanna take off these heels and have a beer that’s about this big right now.

 

 

 

Attention.

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me now?

Don’t make me get my bullhorn.  Because I will.

No time for witty intros.  The Candy Apples are back.  And it’s a long one, so let’s do this.

Still trying to regroup after The Great Hollywood Divide, the Dance Moms gang headed into their second week back home with some snappy new Pittsburgh Galleria threads for the Moms and shiny leotards for the girls that were straight out of the Wizard of Oz.

Am I wrong?  I don’t think so.

Let’s keep it real.  When it comes to marketing her brand, Abby Lee Miller makes my head hurt.  From what I can tell, the official ALDC colors are black and white and that hot pinkish whatever it is color.  At least that’s what’s on all the banners and painted on the walls.  And when they randomly choose to wear their track suits (…shouldn’t that be a requirement when you come off the bus?..) they’re made from the same color swatches.

So when the girls all bounced in for the Pyramid of Shame looking like they had just finished re-stuffing the Scarecrow down at the Emerald City Day Spa,  I didn’t know what to think.  Was it just me?

Buff Buff Here.  Stuff Stuff Here.

I mean, even Abby’s newly down-sized, over-sized logo top was emerald green.

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Don’t get me wrong.  It was a nice color.  Like those LLBean fleece zip-ups that everyone wears on Sunday at Whole Foods.  And, honestly, it was probably pretty irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.  But it confused me.  Like if the New England Patriots suddenly came running out onto the field in new colors.

Which would be so wrong on so many levels.

Because.  I mean.  Red, White and Blue.  You don’t mess with it.

‘Merica.  We salute you.  Now back to our story.

Bottom of the Pyramid was anchored down by Nia, Honey Bow Bow Child JoJo and MackZ.  The mezzanine level was home to Kendall and Maddie, which left just enough room at the top for Kalani.

Oh.  And tiny Brynn Rumfallo was back in the lineup.  She’s very excited to be here, thank you.  She’s Abby’s latest recruit and looks exactly like the Tinker Bell cartoon you see on cups and plates about halfway down the girl aisle at Party City.

Which reminds me:  Happy Birthday, Kendall!  Everybody clapped and wondered why there was no cake.  There should always be cake.  Always.  I hope this new and improved Abby Lee Miller doesn’t mean we’re cutting back on the pastries.

This week, the crew was headed to Wayne, NJ for another Sheer Talent competition.

Maddie and Brynn scored solos.  Everyone clapped, but not as enthusiastically as they did when they thought there would be cake.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier Reference:  Maddie had a reputation now.  Her Sia video was nominated for FOUR Grammys!  Count ’em…FOUR!  We’re going to the Grammys!

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Hilariously, Maddie was quick to point out that OMG she was “so not going to the Grammys WITH Abby,” which I assumed meant that she would be driving herself to the Staples Center.  I didn’t realize she was old enough to have a license, but then again I’ve never actually seen any of the Ziegler’s birth certificates, so who knows.

But she’s not going with Abby, that’s fo’ sho.

The group routine was entitled ‘Dance In The Rain’ and was a typically subliminal Abby mash-up about waiting for meteorological (…and choreographical…) storms to pass.

Since MackZ (…yes, I believe she’s still on this show if I’m not mistaken…) and Nia had previously both won national titles in Las Vegas (…you go, Sasha!  First One!…) part of their responsibilities as crown holders was to dig out their old Toddlers & Tiaras sashes and hand out trophies on stage this weekend.  Exciting, right?  How fun.

Upon hearing that news, Nia was quite excited.  Who wouldn’t be?  But apparently she was not excited enough to bust out a handstand into a backward somersault ending in a signature Death Drop followed by a Times Square balloon drop and a confetti popper, which irked Abby so much so that she got all up in Nia’s grill about her lack of enthusiasm.

What?  Oh, sorry.  I was too busy climbing the iTunes charts with my new single.  What did you just say, Miss Abby?  Snap.  And another snap.  In a ‘Z’ formation.

Srsly.  Even when Nia is just looking both ways before crossing the street on her way to school, she has THE best Side Eye ever.  The.  Best.

And don’t forget to buy her single.  Like right now.  Right here.

Holly and I both finally blew a nutty with all this never ending NiaNeedling.

Enough.  Enough.

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And enough.

Insert random shots of Melissa nodding and agreeing and twitching a little here: _____.

Holly didn’t regret any of the decisions she made when the team was in California.  Not the recording studio.  Not the music video.  And she shouldn’t.  Because she did it for her daughter.  And that’s what a Mom does.

Side note:  If anyone is asking, that blowout haircut right up there is one of my favorite HollyLooks.  I think she’s singing one of the songs from Dreamgirls, actually.  And if you’re not asking, I just told you anyways.

As everyone got down to business, we scooted over to Ohio for a few minutes, to check in on Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Candy Apples.  Long time no see, folks.

This week, Cathy had lured choreographer Erin Babbs back up to Canton.  Because, I mean, who wouldn’t want to leave all the glitz and glamor of sunny Los Angeles and spend a week trapped in a dance studio that’s attached to a place that sells homemade turkey jerky via local cable access infomercials?

I miss Chloe.  And her mini-Gaga Meat Dress.  Those were good times.

Erin, who we last saw giving the ALDC a beatdown in Hollywood, appeared more than happy to bring her expensive sunglasses and fancy choreography to Ohio if it meant humiliating Abby Lee Miller one more time.

Side note:  How much do we love Lady Killer Lucas Triana and those patootie Morales kids?  So precocious.  And how about all that Twitter drama with their respective Mamas?

Lawd.  I can’t even.

Gurrrrrl…you just need to Google it, because if I get started we’ll never see the end of this episode.  But trust me.  It’s Hair Salon juicy, so pull up a dryer and let’s dish.

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I love me some Lucas, except when he gets a little mouthy.  Such a playa.  He’s been my idol ever since the Dance Moms: Miami days when his head was too big for his body.

Remember when he swore at my boy Gavin and made him cry last season?  That wasn’t cool.  Not cool at all.  Because Gavin’s my boy and he has one of the best WTF face I’ve ever seen.  Who you callin’ a bitch, Bitch?

It was almost worth it just to see Mama Joanne Morales lose her nutty, though.  Almost.

Lucas just needs to know when to adjust the dial, because MiamiCute isn’t always gonna fly once you hit puberty.  Uncle Dan’s just trying to help, Cowboy.  That’s all.

Spoiler Alert:  The second trip back to Ohio wasn’t any better.  Cathy felt Lucas was acting squirrelly.  His Mom Brigette was starting to lose interest in the whole Ohio situation.  And Joanne kept phutzing with her long bangs and buzzed side of her hairdo.

Full disclosure:  I can’t remember the other two Moms’ names.  My bad.  I’m sure they’re very nice, but they were too scared to talk around Brigette and Joanne so they probably should have just gone next door and picked up some nice officially licensed Ohio Hickory Farms souvenirs while the kids were jumping around.

Jerky.  The Canton gift that keeps on giving.

Back in PA, the girls were rehearsing their brains out while the Moms finished unpacking the rest of their emotional baggage from the Hollywood trip.  Brynn’s Mom Ashlee was still blindly basking in the glow of the ALDC Honeymoon Phase, so he had no idea what to expect.  Blissfully oblivious I think they call it.

My MomCrush Jill wanted Holly to clear the air with Abby (…good luck with that, BTW…) and JoJo’s Mom Jessalynn was remarkably normal for the second week in a row.

Gotta admit.  Jessalynn’s starting to grow on me faster than her daughter’s roots are coming in.  She makes some really funny faces.

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Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  On point again.  Nothing too crazy this week.  Her focus was clearly on setting up Kendall’s BDay party and planning a trip to Boston so we can go shopping.  Hint:  Macy’s is having another One Day Sale this weekend.  With a preview day on Friday.  And I’ve got a coupon.  Just saying.

The Moms weren’t quite as divided as last week, but you could still cut the tension with a knife.  If you wanted to pull it out of Holly’s back, I mean.  Dr. Beyoncé still didn’t feel that the other ladies were behind her 100% and it’s a discussion that will clearly drag on for a few more weeks.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Side note:  Busted.

We already know that Lifetime is notorious for recycling little snippets of video and going completely hot mess on their continuity if they find leftover B-Roll in a drawer.  Don’t even get me started on that one.  I watched last week’s Bring It! two times before I even realized that it was a new episode.

But this time?  That same little hyper spaz girl with the hair bow going completely hyper spaz in her hair bow when the bus pulled up to the curb?

Busted.

Unless the lady behind her with the Canon SureShot is a math tutor and they legitimately pulled this peanut out of school so they can follow the ALDC bus around the country like two Aerosmith groupies, that’s the same footage from whenever that kid was on this show the first time going hyper spaz.

Granted, she is so freakin’ cute that I would be totally ok if they spliced her into every episode for the rest of the series (…it might actually make for some comic relief if she screamed every time Holly made a HollyFace…can you even imagine?  I died a little just thinking about it…) but c’mon, people.

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Side note Numero Dos:  If you fire the person who did that editing, I would be more than happy to come work for Lifetime Television and get advance copies of each episode so I can go to bed earlier on Tuesday nights.  Just thinking out loud.  Hook a brother up, guys.

Did I forget to mention that Cathy came stomping into the venue with a bullhorn?  Because she did.  And it was loud.  And childish.  And loud.  Very loud.

She also bullied some poor girl into taking an iPad selfie with her even though the poor thing was waiting for Abby to come around the corner.

Backstage, in a makeshift Green Room that was even crazier than last week’s makeshift Green Room (…this show is straight up visual overload for somebody like me…) Brigette dropped by to say Hi and then got busted by Cathy for fraternizing with The Enemy.

Somewhere around now was when Lucas rolled his eyes like he was Caroline Manzo on the Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Part Two.  You’re Garbage.

Maddie’s solo went like all the other Maddie solos.  Abby was afraid that her training had suffered because she was jet setting around the country pimping out that Sia video and becoming the next Disney IT Girl, but she did just fine.  Because she’s Maddie.

And she won First Place.  Der.

Side note:  What is Melissa always scribbling in those dance programs?  It’s like she’s picking her favorite horse to Win, Place and Show or something.  Anyone know?

Brynn’s solo was equally as well done.  Since Abby specifically imported her from Neverland to become the New Maddie, it was imperative that she dress her in basically the same costume and dim the lights a little so nobody had a clue who was actually on stage.  I think it worked.

For such a tiny little thing, Brynn has some crazy long flexible legs.  She got Second.

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Vivi-Anne sighting:  I almost didin’t recognize her without ice cream.  But there she was, all sniffly and fidgety with her new Calvin Klein model Manny.  You see that dude?  And you know how Abby likes her ManCandy.  They totally edited out the part where Abby dropped her phone behind her seat and had to reach between his legs to find it before it started vibrating.

The phone, I mean.  Don’t be nasty.

The ALDC group dance, despite the MaddieCam focusing on one dancer a little too much, was really well done.  I swear these girls grow taller with every episode.

And then the Candy Apples hit the stage with one seriously whacked out edgy routine.

At first it kinda sorta reminded me of Asia Monet Ray‘s Wizard of Oz dance (…two references in one week?  What are the chances?…) from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition when she wore 47 yards of black garbage bag and almost gave her Mom Kristy Ray an aneurysm.  But then it kinda sorta reminded me of when they have to roll out that baseball field tarp during rain delays.  I couldn’t decide.

Regardless of what I thought, it was basically 4 military parachutes’ worth of fireproof fabric turned into a dress that all the boys had to whip around like they were sending smoke signals to the cheap seats in the back of the auditorium.

Holly had to admit that it was pretty cool, even though all that flapping did mess up her hair a little.  And you know how Mama is about her hair lately.

The ALDC won First Place, which meant that the CADC took Second.

Which meant that straight up chaos erupted in the hallway.  No wonder someone had blocked the exit doors with the same folding metal grates you always see pulled down in front of liquor stores after they close for the night.  You see that?  Is that even Fire Code?

Brigette called out Cathy for…I dunno…being Cathy, I guess.  Joanne got cranky.  Jill screamed something about Tea and Crumpets and I wondered why the Queen of England would even be in Wayne, NJ at this time of year for a dance competition.

mz

Jill stole Cathy’s bullhorn.  Because of course.  Plus, the only thing better than being loud and childish is to add grand larceny into the mix, right?

(In her defense, my MomCrush did admit that she wasn’t proud of her behavior.  But…oh, well.  Too late now, suckahs.)

Cathy fired Lucas from the Candy Apples.  Brigitte told Lucas to go back in and quit, which kind of defeated the purpose of being fired in the first place if you really think about it.  And then Lucas started mad trippin’ in the hallway by the lockers and suddenly morphed from Caroline Manzo into one of the beasts from VH1’s Bad Girls Club, whipping his iPhone around and screaming about how they all treat him like crap.

MmmHmmm.  I hear dat, girlfriend.  Shoot.

I think he even gave Gavin a wedgie and then shoved him in a locker if I’m not mistaken.

That poor GDawg can’t cut a break lately.

In all the excitement, Kira realized that her clingy dress had hiked up too far, but luckily recovered just in time before anyone had to splice in that little girl screaming again.

You catch that?  Yikes.

Then it was over.  I can’t remember if Melissa actually spoke this week.  I know Holly just needed a break after the last few episodes.  Can you blame her?

Abby was laughing and having the time of her life as the credits started to roll.  It was almost creepy she was so happy.  She decided to keep the old Maddie and send the new one back home for who knows how long.  Don’t fret, though.  Nobody ever seems to go away for good on this show.

We even got a quick glimpse of the kids actually being…just kids…as they snatched the bullhorn and ran around backstage.  It was cute.

Jersey was fun, but it was time to go home.

See ya next time.

Buh bye.

hi

Dance Moms: The ALDC Returns To Pittsburgh And Immediately Splits In Half. It’s The Great Dance Mom Divide.

Wednesday, March 4th, 2015

amm

 

 

I know this crazy old lady is not trying to photobomb my selfie now that I got my hair just right.

 

 

hm1

 

 

Excuuuse me, Jill. Gawd forbid anyone else get to rock a cold shoulder top up in here, Hater.

 

 

cs

 

 

 

Bitch, pleez.

 

 

kcs

 

 

 

 

Nice try, ladies. But we have a winner.

 

mj

 

 

 

 

Hold still, Bow Bow. It’s gonna take me about five coats to cover up all these Hello Kitty tattoos.

k1

 

 

 

 

Talk s*** about my kid again and I’ll drop your credit score so low you’ll never get a loan.*

 

nia

 

 

 

You see this Side Eye, sweetie? It’s called My Single Just Dropped On iTunes Side Eye.

 

 

 

(* Allegedly, of course…)

They say you can’t go home again.

That’s what they say, you know.  There’s even a country song about it.

But they’re wrong.  Because you can.  And the Dance Moms gang just did.

After a less than stellar showing during their recent cross country Brady Bunch road trip (…where, if I’m not mistaken, the original plan was for Abby Lee Miller to build an ALDC LA high-rise and takeover the West Coast Dance World, right?…) everyone was suddenly back home in Pennsylvania to regroup and get their shizzle together.

Don’t get me wrong.  It wasn’t a complete disaster in Hollywood.  But it’s not like the mayor of Pittsburgh gave them a Superbowl parade when they returned, either.

They won a few.  And lost a few.  And then lost a few more.

Let’s just say they brought back more Rodeo Drive cold shoulder tops than trophies.

Seriously.  Was it just me or was every single person on this show exposing their shoulders this week?  It literally gave me anxiety that I had missed a memo or something.

And shout-out to Kira for taking top prize with that white triple-cut cheese grater number, even though I feel the need to point out that I paid less for a 3pack of long-sleeved GAP tees that got snagged in the washing machine and came out looking exactly like that top.

k2

But we love KG.  Even if Bank of America doesn’t.

Ouch.  Too soon?

Disclaimer:  They’ll be a lot of credit fraud jokes this week.  All in good fun, of course.  And all alleged, until proven otherwise by the courts or some disgruntled Arizona Dance Mom.

My girl Sasha Nia and Mom Holly were the first to arrive back at the studio, accompanied by their own dramatic Survivor background music.  I see what you did there, Lifetime.

Dr. Beyoncé was on Abby’s short list this week, along with Kira and whacky JoJo‘s even whackier Mom Jessalynn, thanks in part to their participation in the now infamously squeaky clean MattyB music video.  Somewhere along the line, while attempting to teach their daughters a lesson in honoring commitments and actually reading what you are signing before you sign it, they had fallen out of Abby’s good graces.  Go figure.

To make matters even worse, Holly was also still dealing with unresolved issues surrounding Nia’s recording studio work with Aubrey O’Day while the team was in Hollywood.  Abby didn’t appreciate the fact that Holly had reached out to Aubrey and gotten Nia a pretty sweet deal on a new iTunes song that you can easily download right here if you have some cash laying around.

And while we’re on the subject, I didn’t appreciate the fact that I’m still the only one who doesn’t have Aubrey O’Day loaded into their speed dial, because I would totally be hitting that lady up on my Sidekick every day of the week until somehow actually came to my job and physically handed me a restraining order. kv

Anyway.  I digress.

Back to Pittsburgh.  And back to the Pyramid of Shame, where there were clearly more hidden photos than there were girls in the room.  Could it be?  Could Abby have finally received my headshots?

Not gonna lie.  I may have set myself up for disappointment.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Feather Vests and Fur Coats. It was a good week.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was all about Maddie, JoJo, Nia and Kalani, with Kendall and MackZ just above them on the Middle Tier.  And then Maddie was on the top.

Wait.  What?  There are two Maddies now?  This show is crazy pants.

False alarm. There’s only one.  Abby just stuck the same Maddie up there a second time because she couldn’t find the new TV Guide cover with Austin & Ally on it.

Because…you know.  Go, Maddie.  And Disney.

This week the gang was headed to the World-Class Talent Experience in Manahawkin, NJ.  No idea where that town is…and no idea why some competitions consider 12 year olds to be teenagers when the word ‘teen’ is not even in the number.

But this one does for some reason.  And now, according to my calculations, that meant Nia and Kalani just skewed (…and screwed, according to Abby…) the average age of the ALDC and the girls would have to perform in the Teen Category.jj

Now I get it…but I don’t get it, because unless she’s going to actually attempt to stunt their growth through cigarettes and liquor, all those girls will eventually grow up and not be allowed to compete in the Junior Pee Wee Division anymore.

That’s why the call it Growing Up.  And personally, I’m not sure I even want to see some 67 year old woman with a bad hip doing backflips in a bumble bee costume.

So come on.  Time marches on, people.

Kalani, Kendall and Nia all scored solos.  Kendall’s was a sassy, bluesy mini-Liza with a Z jazz number, while Kalani and Nia’s dances were basically just musical bitch slaps across their own Mom’s faces.

Abby does like her subliminal messages.

Kalani’s solo was called “Pretty Little Liars” because “Sorry Lady But Your Maxxed Out Credit Card With The Three Digit Security Code Scratched Off And Missing Signature Is No Good Here” was too long for the space they give you in the printed program.

Trust me.  Abby is gonna make certain this whole (…alleged, of course…) credit fraud thing dies a slow, painful death.  Like when someone steals your purse and all your credit cards and you have to go renew your license in person at the DMV.

That slow.kn1

You could already tell that Nia’s “The Golden Rule” number didn’t stand a chance, but I wasn’t too worried since you still buy her hot new iTunes single right here if you skimmed the first part of this hilarity and missed the link.

The group routine, ominously entitled “The Domino Effect,” was exactly what it sounded like:  Pizza delivered in 30 minutes or less.

I know, right?  Tell me that wouldn’t have been HIGH-sterical.

Unfortunately, tho, it was about real dominos.  Like the game.  With each one falling and tragically taking down the one next to it and then that one taking down the next one…etc.

Just like the Moms were doing to each other.

Trust me.  It was much more dramatic the way Abby explained it.  Much more.

Tick.  Tick.  And then Boom.

I could totally picture the guy who does Darth Vader‘s voice emotionally performing that little bit of script in some One Man Show.  Not a dry eye in the place.  Bravo!

As the girls began stretching it out downstairs and the Moms began punching it out upstairs, Lifetime decided to traumatize us all by running that damn Born In The Wild commercial again.  The Baby in the Forest thing.

Blur it out all you want, guys.  I still saw it.

So we can keep this thing moving, the gist of the remaining 45 minutes was Holly trying to make the other Moms in the MomPerch understand why she felt so unsupported in all of the decisions she made in Hollywood.  Jill didn’t agree.  At all.hf

Melissa, on the other hand,  just sat there putting on hand lotion.  She does that a lot.

And in an oddly Bizarro World/Opposite Land kind of moment, Jessalynn made the most sense out of anyone in the building.  I swear.

Freaky.

All the Moms will go to the end of the Earth for their kids, but they clearly all have a different route programmed into their internal GPS to get them there.  And it drives Holly Ka-Ray-Zee.  All in Caps.

Basically, the whole thing quickly escalated into The Video Moms vs. The Submissive Moms, which sounds way more like a WWE Grudge Match or pay-per-view hotel porn then I originally intended it to sound now that I proofread the sentence.

But you get my drift.

Holly felt that the Moms who skipped out on the MattyB video were just butt kissing Abby’s newly slenderized badonkadonk.  Jill claimed that she had Holly’s back.  Holly felt she did not.  Personally, I just liked the way My MomCrush Jill’s feather vest flapped all around when she got excited.  It was like Sesame Street Live on Ice.

Which we should totally go see on our first date.

Side note:  Do you think there’s a person in Lifetime’s post-production department whose only job is to find those awesome screen shots of Melissa looking all flustered and then edit them into every scene?

Because somebody has to be doing this.  And I want that job so bad.mz

She always looks like she left the iron on at home or something.  I love her so much.

And then Holly got up and left, probably because she knew they were about to run that Born In The Wild commercial for a second time.  Take me with you.  Please.

With one day to go before New Jersey, Holly returned, explaining that she had just needed to step away from all the madness yesterday for a Moment of Clarity.  Which, coincidentally enough,  just happens to be the name of her recently published book.

Which you can certainly buy right here if you have any babysitting money left over after downloading Nia’s new song right here.

Say what you want about them Frazier Girls…they know how to pimp it out.

Side note:  You’ll have to tell me how Nia’s song is, because I’m saving all my cash for some new HollyHair, which should be available just in time for Holiday gift giving.

Love me them Frazier Girls.

Then the Moms had the same discussion they had the day before, but this time all in casual Back to School denim.  Every one of them.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Did I mention that Abby cut Kalani from the group number?  Because she did.  Now the girls could dance in the Toddler Division again.  And cutting Kira’s kid was a lot cheaper than buying cigarettes and liquor in another state.  New Jersey sales tax is ridiculous.

Third Degree Burn Of The Day Award Goes To:  Abby Lee Miller.

am

Kira: “The group routine is Kalani’s favorite dance.”  Abby:  “Good.  She can watch it.”

Yeeouch.  That’s gonna leave a mark.

Backstage, Abby scooted all the girls out of the room to scope out the venue, which gave all the Moms time to go another round or two.  Kira didn’t feel it was necessary for her to confront Abby about cutting Kalani from the number, mainly because she was still too busy applying Neosporin to all that raw skin.

She couldn’t believe Jill wanted her to fight with Abby so badly.  Jill couldn’t believe that Holly and Bizarro Jessalynn were suddenly BFFs.  And I couldn’t believe how much crap was in that makeshift green room.  Did you notice?

There was a calendar on every wall and enough Post-its and ‘stage manager’ placards to label every theater on 42nd Street.  That place was a fire trap.  And you know how I’m all about Safety First.

Well.  Drama First.  Safety Second.

Maybe Third, if you count Sarcasm.  And being Snarky.

So, yeah.  Fourth.  Safety is always Fourth.

Side note:  Abby wasn’t wearing any of her crazy a** plastic jewelry or her usual matchy matchy goodness.  None of it.

JoJo even stood quietly in the corner doing her practice spins while Jessalynn pointed out that “Mom trumps Manager no matter what.”  And then the Earth spun off its axis.

It truly was Bizarro World this week.

Kalani’s solo was amazeballs.  Abby said she was flawless.

od

Kendall was totally mini-Liza.  I called it.

And then Nia hit the stage and Abby didn’t even watch.

Disclaimer:  In Abby’s defense (…did that sentence even just come out of my mouth?…) Abby immediately took to Twitter and blamed it on editing.  I don’t think it would be the same person who does all of Melissa’s blank stares, so maybe they have somebody in charge of that one, too.  Who knows.  Keep in mind this show is also the show that thinks a 12 year old is a teenager.  Which they’re not.

Because they’re like Tweens.  Duh.  OMG.  Buh-tween this and that.  Der.

I forgot to mention that Abby phutzed around on her cellphone the entire time Nia practiced her solo during the week, so it’s not like she would even know what she was looking at anyway.  So whatever.

Side note:  Did that crazy chick behind Kira have a One Direction iPhone case?  Or was that 5SOS?  Or some new Boy Band du jour?  I can’t even tell the difference anymore.

Side note Numero Dos:  Please tell me that wasn’t Rush Limbaugh behind Abby.

Backstage after the solos, the girls all got their groove on listening to Nia’s new song, which you can totally buy right here.

Side note Numero Tres:  No.  I’m not getting a cut in any iTunes profits.  But I’m also not mailing back any checks that Holly wants to send me.  Haters gonna hate.

mzg

By the time the girls were ready for the group number, we got to see some greasy lady have a baby on a pile of sticky oak leaves for the third time.  Enough with this commercial.

Honestly, at this point I would rather have Freddie Krueger chase me through the backwoods with a chainsaw than come across all that jelly one more time.  Just saying.

The Domino Effect was pretty slick AND was delivered in under 30 minutes, so I guess it was a Win/Win for everyone involved.

Kendall took Fifth Place with her solo.  Kalani swiped her First Place trophy out of the judge’s hands faster than Kira can swipe a Visa through an ATM slot.

(That joke comes with an implied “allegedly, of course…” it just didn’t go with the flow.)

Poor Sasha Nia didn’t even place.  But…you know.  iTunes, suckahs.

Most importantly, the group routine scored First Place and it looked like the ALDC might be getting their mojo back.  Kalani got to dress up in costume and go accept the award with the girls who actually danced the dance, even though Nia and JoJo had previously been banned from doing the exact same thing.

What happened to No Dancey=No Trophy?

Kira swore at Jill.  Jill swore at Kira.  And then it was over.

Time to drop a few babies in the woods.

For a full hour.

What’d you think of that new show, Kira?

k


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