Posts Tagged ‘Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition Spoilers’

Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition: It Was Finally The Finale! Joffrey Ballet Scholarship…Here Comes A Winner!

Wednesday, November 20th, 2013




No. Really. I’m not even lying. Her Mom freakin’ literally said ‘Nebraska’ like 400 times. I get it, lady.






I could swear I just saw that Bow Bow JoJo’s van out in the hotel parking lot. Don’t even…






Beautiful Nebraska, the peaceful prairie land. Laced with many rivers and the hills of sand. Now just the boys sing!






OhHellNo, Bitch. I know you did not just lip synch that Flashdance song. Hellz to the No.







So I’m back, ya’ll. Where’s my check?








Oh, look.  It’s JoJo.







Honestly, I don’t even care who wins this thing anymore. I just want to sleep in my own damn bed.





The Finale.

After 11 tearful weeks of turned in/turned out trauma, Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition turned it up and crowned a Winner, sending one lucky girl home with $100,000 in cash and an “I ♥ Joffrey” bumper sticker for the family mini-van.

It’s true.  Somebody finally scored that elusive full ballet scholarship and a confetti cannon explosion, but only after everyone else was put through one last round of Mama Drama and a geography lesson or two.  Or ten.

Thanks, Shari.  We get it.  Nebraska.

Really.  If you don’t know where the Midwest is by now, you just need to go update your Google Maps app and finish this later.  And it probably wouldn’t hurt to learn the Cornhuskers Fight Song while you’re at it, since the birthplace of Kool-Aid seems to be a pretty hot topic lately.

(Seriously.  Kool-Aid was invented there.  And cows.)

If your drinking game word was “Midwest” or “Nebraska” or “Sas” you probably only made it through the first 15 minutes of the show before blacking out, so here’s what you missed while you were face down on the carpet…

The Final Four.  Kalani, Trinity, McKaylee and Giaaaaanna.

With one final mini-challenge to go before crowning (…sorry, I’m getting my dancers mixed up with my toddlers…) the few remaining members of the original AUDC flashmob were tying up loose ends back at the Bungalow before heading over to the studio.

Cindy was busy stressing out Giaaaaanna with a pep talk.  Rocking one of those baggy grey sweatshirts that you wear when you’re having a couple of beers and painting old lawn furniture in the backyard, Cindy pledged to not drive Giaaaaanna clinically insane as long as her daughter focused on the task at hand.  Gah, Mom.  Chillax.  Puhleez.

They’re from Philly, you know.  Love them.

Trinity and Mom Tina were under the assumption that the Joffrey Ballet had some secret basement room filled with nothing but stretching machines from the 1600’s and that after Trinity won the competition she would suddenly be as tall as Heidi Klum.  I swear Mom’s jacket said “Allegra” on the back, but I couldn’t figure out why anyone would name a dance studio after an allergy pill with so many side effects.  Whatever.  I’m not a dancer.


While Fake Kristie Ray Mom Kira plotted revenge against Cindy, Kalani had a nice talk with her Dad from his prison cell.  (That was a joke.  He’s not really in jail.)

At least I don’t think so.  It’s just that whenever you talk to someone on Face Time, they always look like they’re doing hard time on Rikers Island.  Really.  Call someone right now.

Am I lying?  It never looks like the magazine ad.  I should sue Apple.

And then McKaylee’s Mom Shari let us know they were both from Nebraska, in case you hadn’t picked up on that little bit of trivia over the past 11 weeks.

Across the street at the AUDC studio, the girls were met by Abby, Rachelle and Richy, who were all seated at the judges table.  Plot twist?


But first, there was a surprise video message from last season’s Winner Brianna Haire that flickered up on some fancy new high tech screens like Princess Leia shooting out of R2-D2’s movie projector nose.

Help me fix my sickle feet, Obi Wan.  Help me.

I always liked Brianna.  And Star Wars.

The final mini-challenge this week was to pick your favorite dance and do it again.  Like an encore.  Except you had to pick it, remember it, get dressed for it, fix yo’ face and perform it in the next 10 minutes.

Hysteria ensued.  The girls went into warp speed and the Moms went into warp spaz.

McKaylee did her Les Mis routine again, but without the sad Anne Hathaway chopped salad haircut.  Trinity did her Down N Dirty Diva duet routine, but this time without Honey Bow Bow JoJo trying to play catch-up on the eight count.

Giaaaaanna did her Zombie solo behind the tombstone again, while Kalani chose to save a horse and ride a cowboy one more time.

Unfortunately, as delightfully age inappropriate as Kalani’s routine was the first time we saw it, this week’s encore performance barely made it out of the barn.  She had trouble getting the elastic out of her hair to unleash the inner naughty cowgirl, got the lasso tangled around her own throat, fell backwards onto her saddle cushion after an ariel front sumthin sumthin and ended up being cut from the competition.


Because that was the plot twist.  One girl was being eliminated immediately after the mini-challenge.  Did I forget to mention that part?

And then there were three.  See you tomorrow.

And then suddenly there were six more as a stampede of former contestants stormed the castle.

Dat’s rite.  The TBoyz, Ally, Haley, JoJo and Kalani were back!

It should be noted that my girl Chloe was mysteriously MIA, which made me really sad since I was hoping to see Mama Angela testifying with her hands up in the ayah ayah one last time this season.  She was one of my favorites.  Holla at you, girl.

And how about Ally’s new and improved hair?  Buh Bye crazy curly ‘fro with its own zip code.  Hello sleek and shiny and straight like in the commercial.

Somebody got a flat iron for her birthday.

Tessandra Chavez put the kids through a boxing themed group rehearsal while Cindy lamented the fact that six more crazy bitches had just landed on Planet AUDC.

I also think that for the first few minutes JoJo actually believed she was asked back just so she could be declared the Winner as she pinged and zinged around the room.  I forgot how exhausting it is to live in JoJo’s World O’ Bows.

After finishing up rehearsals for Rocky XV: The Musical, the Final Three headed off to learn their own solo routines.  And to cry just a little.

Giaaaaanna and Mom had an Oprah Moment with Tessandra as they all sat on the couch and got real about Cindy’s divorce.

McKaylee, who was pretty much put on Earth to do ballet and attend Karaoke Night with the girls from the office every Thursday, didn’t even know the lyrics to her new song and it was messing with her head.

Yeah.  The girl who got busted every single week for 11 weeks for lip synching during her performances didn’t know the words.  It’s called Irony, kids.  Look it up.


Victor Rojas, wearing the best whacky tank top ever in the history of whacky tank tops, had McKayKay take a step back and just listen to the music.  She learned the lyrics.  She learned the story.  She let us all know that it sucks to be 13 years old with a Mom that doesn’t get it.  And then she and Sharit melted down.  Like they do in Nebraska.

Go ‘Huskers!

Trinity’s solo was dedicated to her grandfather who had just passed.  And Tarua Hall‘s signature jacket with the fur collar made another appearance.  That’s pretty much all you need to know about that one.  I love Trinity.

Back in the MomRoom, crazy-haired Melanie was attempting to crazy-toast the Top Three Moms.  With real liquor.

Any guesses how that went down?

Cindy got all Philly on everyone.  Kira couldn’t support Giaaaaanna because her Mom lies and cheats and passes counterfeit bills at Walmart.  Ally’s Mom Tiffany, who basically hated everyone and everything since Day One, decided to stick with that theme and just bad mouthed all the kids and parents in between gulps of complimentary champagne.

Stick with what you know, I guess.

JoJo’s Mom Jessalynn was either wearing a wire for the Mob or is planning on writing a tell-all book when the dust settles, because she was noticeably quiet…just taking it all in before the attack.  She cracks me up.  I bet she is a complete panic at bake sales.

Finally, it was Showtime!

My boy Kevin Manno was all slicked back and gettin’ it done in one last slim fit suit for the occasion.  Tight and Right, dude.  Tight and Right.

Richy had pulled another sleeveless number out of his seemingly endless supply of cartoon vests and Rachelle was all Sparkles & Sas.  Sas with one ‘S’ that is.  And a trademarked ‘S’ at that.  Who’s Sas?  I’m Sas.  You’re Sas.  We’re all Sas!

Back in the Green Room, Abby pulled one last fast one and brought in Davis Robertson from the Joffrey Ballet to freak out the girls right before they hit the stage.

At the request of the producers, Mr. Joffrey was going to be sitting at the judges table this week in the hopes that his and Richy’s combined upper body strength would be enough to restrain Rachelle from kicking and jumping and werking and Biting The Apple every five minutes.  We only have two hours, people.


Rachelle trademarked that whole Bite The Apple thing, too.  Cuz she’s sassy like dat.

But since this was the Finale, you can’t just jump into the awards ceremony.  You have to milk it.  Haven’t you ever watched Dancing With The Stars?  Their finale goes on for like a week and a half.  Two weeks when Kirstie Alley lost all that weight.

So first up was Maddie Ziegler from Dance Moms!  Dancing her way to a television screen near you on New Year’s Day.  Set your DVRs!

This franchise does love that cross promotional s***.  Shout out to Holly!

After Maddie rolled and reached around the stage, Richy hit the footlights with something right out of a comic book.  I think he wore the same sunglasses as last year, but I could be wrong.  That bitch can pop and lock though.  And fight crime in high tops.

And then it was the Rachelle Rak Show as she Flashdanced her way around the stage while the Princess Leia screens all blinked ‘Sas’ over and over again.  I thought for sure it must have been some kind of subliminal message to buy her new song on iTunes or something, but ‘Sas’ spelled backwards is still ‘Sas,’ so I might be reading more into it than was actually there.

I’m not really sure if what Rachelle did was actual dancing as much as it was walking like Bette Midler and biting apples like she hadn’t eaten in a week, but the crowd went wild.

And you totally knew she was gonna rip off that shimmy skirt and go full out balls to the walls leotard by the end.

But, whoa.  Hold up.  Rachelle lip synched the entire time, which is exactly what she kept spanking McKaylee for all season.  Am I wrong?  Oy.

Head snap.  Hair flip.  Hand in the air.  And scene.

It’s called Sas, bitches.  And don’t your forget it.

Then it was almost time for the group dance and the Final Three solos.  Almost.  After some American Idol-ish home videos, of course.  Trinty has like 50 brothers and sisters.

Girrrl, that hip hop group routine was turnt up.  Turnt Up.  Which means it was really good.

Giaaaaanna had clearly been practicing her apple biting technique.  McKaylee suddenly found the personality that everyone had been trying to slap on her face for the last 11 weeks.  And Trinity and The TBoyz just need to take that shiz on the road right now.

Boom.  Boom.  One more Boom.  Pow.  And then solos.


Trinity’s dance incorporated so many turns and tricks that I got a little nauseous, but she totally rocked the house.  You can tell she’s got a trampoline at home.

Giaaaaanna definitely proved that she was the MVP for Most Improved Playa.  At least in the flexibility category, anyway.

McKaylee bobbled a few little nothings, but everyone still liked her routine.  It even made Richy suddenly talk in a really high cartoon voice for some reason, even though he took issue with a few moves.

Rachelle stood up and down a few more times and then they picked a winnaaaaahhh.

Trinity was the first dancer cut.

She kinda saw it coming, even though she was totz amaze balls on stage.  Until they figure out how to put lifts inside pointe shoes, I’m not sure if she’ll ever get the lead role in The Nutcracker.  But it doesn’t really matter since she’ll be dancing backup for Jennifer Lopez before you know it.  And sorry, but that is waaaay cooler in my books.

And then it was down to Giaaaaanna and McKaylee.

Philly vs. Nebraska.  Just like the Super Bowl, right?

Cindy cried.  Abby cried.  Shari cried.  Most of the Midwest probably cried.  And that was before they even announced who won the damn thing.

Ladies & Gentlemen.  Dancers and Wannabes.

Abby’s Ultimate Dancer for 2013…..


The crowd went bazoinkers.  The judges rushed the stage.  And everyone in Nebraska pretty much wet themselves in their overalls all at the same time.

We have a Winner.

Now we can catch our breath.  And catch up on our homework.

And wait for Dance Moms to come back.

Congratulations, McKaylee.

‘Huskers in the hizzle!  Way to represent.

As for me, I’ll see you all back in Pittsburgh before you know it.

Show’s over.  Go home.

The End.


Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition: It Was Rabbit Hole Madness When Abby And Alice Went Down To Wonderland.

Wednesday, November 13th, 2013




I don’t know what kind of tea party you’re throwing, sister, but you need to switch to decaf.







Is she still behind me? Is she gone?








Girrrl, pleez. That weave. I just can’t. much?







Oh he did NOT just go there with my new bunny tracks.







Bitches ain’t never late for important dates. Especially with two watches. Boom. The Truth.






Trust me. If this was Philly, I’d shove ’em all down the damn hole and nobody’d ever find the bodies.







If that Flashdance chick doesn’t sit her a** down I’m gonna flip this table like a Real Housewife.




With apologies to Lewis Carroll

We’re all mad here.  So save those tears for your pillow and fix those damn rabbit feet.

You guessed it.  Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition went Mad Hatter Bonkers this week as the Final Four tried to dance and claw their way out of the Bunny Chute and into next week’s Finale.

With a pretty healthy wad of cash and a Joffrey Ballet scholarship carrot dangling just out of reach, Kalani, McKaylee, Trinity and Giaaaaanna were headed into the last round of regular competition as wired as White Rabbits on Daylight Savings Time.

And don’t even get me started on the Moms yet.

It was Alice In Wonderland Day at the AUDC theater and Abby Lee Miller couldn’t wait to get started as the four remaining dancers filed in for the mini-challenge.

As soon as they rolled onto the dance floor it was clear that both the girls and their Moms were all feeling the pressure of the competition.  A scholarship to the Joffrey Ballet is a pretty big deal.  If you’re into that kind of thing, I mean.  Not so much if you want to grow up and fix air conditioning units or trade stocks on Wall Street.

But if you are a dancer, it’s Go Joffrey or Go Home.

So the kids were freaking out a little bit.  And the Moms were freaking out a lot a bit.

The theme:  Down The Rabbit Hole.  Head first.

The skill:  Characterization.  Feel the Bunny.  Be the Bunny.

The challenge:  Dance like the Bunny.  And the Mouse.  And the Queen.

The chance that Rachelle Rak‘s hair was going to do something Fierce before the episode was over:  Count on it.

The winner of the latest challenge would be given the chance to stick it to all the other girls by assigning both the style of dance and the character they would portray in front of the judges.  Which basically meant that you could either focus on their strengths, thereby giving your competition one last opportunity to shine in front of America, or let every other girl go complete Hot Mess on national television and then help them pack their bags to go home.  Hmmm.  Lemme think for a second.


Did somebody say ‘Joffrey?’

Tessandra Chavez led the girls through the characterization challenge rehearsal.  I love the way the guest choreographer always runs out from behind that big sparkly wall like it’s the Tonight Show or something.  Next season they should totally have Ricky Minor and the Band play a little intro ditty before every challenge.

Maybe Mom Cindy could even skooch down a little on her slouchy comfy chair and make some room for Nicole Kidman.

It didn’t take long for Tess to get it done.  Shoulder.  Shoulder.  Cutesie.  Cutesie.  

Which, coincidentally enough, are the exact same words that silently go through my head every day as I walk down the street.

You Better Werk, Bitch on your way to CVS.

The four girls Busted. It. Out. for the chance to win the last mini-challenge.

First as the White Rabbit.  Say buh bye, Trinity.  Bad rabbit foot.  You might want to just cut that thing off and turn it into a keychain.

Then as the Door Mouse, where McKaylee step ball chained on the wrong foot and got the boot.  I know, right?  You’ve only got two feet.  How hard can it be?

Then Kalani and Giaaaaanna battled it out as the Queen of Hearts until Philadelphia represented and Cindy’s girl took the top prize.

Philly in the house, yo.

Forty five minutes later, Cindy had finally decided what girl was going to get what style of dance.  Forty five minutes.  I swear.  I literally did two loads of laundry and wrote out all my Christmas cards before Cindy got her shiz together on that homework assignment.

Giaaaaanna wanted to give each girl their favorite dance and let them have one last moment in the spotlight, but Cindy wanted to hang them all out to dry like her pajama bottoms on the clothesline.  And she’s the Mom.  So it was time to sabotage some dancing, kids.  Get psyched.

Trinity got stuck with a lyrical Alice routine, choreographed by Miss Thang Tarua Hall, who finally took off that furry collared jacket and got down to bidnezz.


As part of Cindy’s Master Plan, Trinity the gymnast was suddenly forced to create long, lean, flowing lines and not clunk her way through the entire dance like she was trying to get a 9.9 from the Russian judge.

We love Trinity and her mad balance beam skills, as well as that big, smiley mouthful of braces.  I think it’s a contractual thing that any child involved in an Abby Lee Miller production has to have feet and teeth that need straightening.

Am I lying?  Name one kid on Dance Moms who’s not rocking the metal mouth chrome dome right now.  Been there.  Done that.

Giaaaaanna gave herself a jazz inspired Mad Hatter dance during the mini-challenge, choreographed by Matt Cady.  Show me Love.  Show me Face.

As certifiably cray cray as her Mom is, I was feeling pretty confident that Giaaaaanna would nail the insanity portion of the routine.

Oh, Cindy.  You and your cheese steaks.

Down the hall…and the Rabbit Hole…were Kalani and Victor Rojas, working on her manic White Rabbit hip hop dance.

OhMyGod.  OhMyGod.  OhMyGod.  I’m late!  I’m late!  I’m like wicked late!

In the most hyperest (…is that even a word?…) Tardy for the Party meltdown evah broadcast on television, Victor ran in frantic circles showing Kalani how someone must look when they’re reading their first at-home pregnancy test and realizing that they just missed the last rush hour metro train home from college all at the same time.

While dropping acid and drinking espresso straight from the Keurig nozzle.

It was Spaztastic.

For you Toddlers & Tiaras groupies, it was Go-Go Juice with a Tinker Tea chaser.

Three.  Two.  One.  Ba.  Zing.

Since Kalani had been eliminated the last time that she attempted hip hop (…saved only by one of those blingy CallBack Cards the following morning…) she was a little stressed out.  And late, of course.  Very late.


Back in the Arts & Crafts Room, Moms Cindy and Shari were going another round or two as they hot glued stuff to other stuff.  It was basically a bunch of sparkly fabric, Joan Rivers reading glasses and some stressed out ladies bickering like they had just stolen each other’s Bingo markers.  Meow.

With Honey Bow Bow JoJo no longer in the building, Cindy had moved on to the next piece of fresh meat in her quest for $100, 000.  She’s not in it to make friends, in case there was any confusion.

The last little dancer to get some rehearsal time was McKaylee and her modern funk Cheshire Cat lip sync routine.

Ooops, She Did It Again.

That girl does like to lip sync.  A lot.  No matter how many times Matt Cady and Abby Lee tell her to knock it off.

Let’s be honest.  We’ve all been guilty of busting out a little Debbie Boone in the elevator at some point in our lives, but when we’re talking $100, 000 I’d duct tape that thing shut until the check clears.

Matt wanted McKayKay to channel a sad kitty who had just lost her family and all her chew toys in a tragic wood chipper accident, which was a little odd considering that all the Cheshire Cat did in the movie was smile.  I think he was just trying to trick McKaylee into keeping her mouth shut, if you really want to know my opinion.  But whatever gets the job done and pays the rent, right?

Mom Shari had to unleash a little Dr. Phil on her daughter at this point, because McKaylee’s ball of yarn started to unravel after she was busted once again for her characterization and karaoke mouth.  Talk to me.  What are you feeling?  How long have you felt this way?  Lean in and tilt your head.

They’re from Nebraska, you know.

Which sounds pretty irrelevant, but they’ve said it so many times over the last few weeks that I feel it must be important for some reason that I’m just not seeing right now.

Not to be outdone in the stressed out Mom category, Kira then decided it was her turn to blow a slight nutty on Kalani, who she felt was suddenly giving up on the whole competition with only one week to go.

No I’m not.  Yes, you are.  Nuh Uh.  Yes, you are.  Teen age angst.  Lame Mom talk.  Then somebody called somebody a brat and somebody else did a bunch of OMG eye rolls.


Finally, it was Showtime!

My boy Kevin Manno was all SkinnyPants, finger points and darn psyched to be in the hizzle the week before Finals.  I bet he dances like that at the club.  Like he’s whipping out invisible pistols at the saloon.  Check it out, girls.  KaPow!  Straight to the heart.

Richy Jackson was wearing another one of those vests that would slow down everything at an airport security checkpoint and Rachelle brought her glitter princess wand from home for some reason.

There has to be some kind of off-screen competition going on between the two of them to see who can be the most crazy at the table.  There has to be.  I bet there’s even an office pool between all the camera guys.

Backstage, the Moms were in complete nuclear meltdown mode and already driving their children off the deep end before the party even started.

First up was McKaylee, who was pushed on stage by Shari with a motivational “Crawl out like a Cat,” which she unfortunately misinterpreted as “Mouth it like Britney.”

Yeah.  She did it again.  But just a little this time.

Luckily, Shari’s floor show off in the wings distracted the judges from most of the lip synching.  I love when the Moms really get into the dance.  I’m not sure if Shari was taking her SATs are passing a stone, but she was focused like a soldier with night vision goggles.

Behind the scenes, Giaaaaanna was having some issues with her Johnny Depp Mad Hatter headgear.  Why she waited until 30 seconds before her performance to try on the hat…I dunno…but now she was going totz freakazoid that the whole thing was not going to stay on her head.

She lost it.  Then Mom lost it.  Then she tested out a wimpy fake half-jump.  Then they blurred out Cindy’s potty mouth and I remembered that I forgot to set my DVR for the new season of Mob Wives.

I swear to Gawd, if I ever get stuck in an elevator with Cindy and Big Ang my head’s gonna (bleepin’) explode all over the (bleepin’) walls like a (bleepin’) water balloon.

One of them is from Philly, you know.

When Giaaaaanna finally hit the stage, Richy gave her the finger and Rachelle pretty much had a moment of Fierceness that would make Beyoncé jealous.


And that’s why you should always sew your weaves in, kids.  Just saying.

Next up was Kalani and some serious bunny ears, poppin’ and locking’ and prayin’ that she wouldn’t blow this round of hip hop in front of Abby.  She managed to score a finger wave from Richy and some sort of Toddlers & Tiaras chest pop from Rachelle.

T&T reference #2 if you’re counting.  Bring my show back, TLC.  Or else.

Last up was my girl Trinity who popped up from behind a gigantic storybook that reminded me of Project Runway and made me realize that I watch way too much reality television.

You could tell that she was fighting the Dark Side the entire time and was dying to do a backwards somersault into a blah blah handspring into a double tuck blah blah with a whatchamacallit 2 point landing.

But she didn’t.

Richy and Rachelle didn’t find too much fault in the routine, but Abby called it a huge let down.  Which made everybody cry.

Backstage, Trinity pretty much cut Cindy off at the stubby knees for setting all the kids up to fail and then the whole room went full-on Wonderland Bonkers.  Crying.  Yelling.  Accusations.  Random characters in crooked hats running around stepping on rabbits.

You name it.

Luckily, Kevin called everyone back onstage before anyone lost an eye.

And then nobody went home.

Wha–?  Nobody?

Abby wasn’t gonna let some Dance Mom decide the fate of her kids.  Puhleez.

Everybody was coming back next week!  Psych!

Which meant that there were still four players in the game.

Because fairy tales do come true.  At least this week.

Everybody made it out of the rabbit hole alive and headed into the Finals.

It was madness, I tell you.



Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition: If It’s Miss Asia Monet Ray Back In Da Hizzle, Then It’s Diva Week Fo’ Shizzle.

Wednesday, November 6th, 2013




All I know is that if Mama doesn’t get served some of that cake pretty soon, every one of those kids is going home.






Pardon me while I unleash a Bucket of Sass all up in your face. You might wanna take notes.






How ’bout Asia’s Mom and those stilettos? Bitch probably doesn’t even own flip flops.






OhMyGod. Asia? This calls for three hair bows AND a glitter headband.







Yeah. I’m all set with that one, thank you.








Seriously. What happened to you people while I was in Pittsburgh?






Plus I think I read on TMZ that her Mom bitch slapped JLo or something. I forget. Crap, they’re fierce.




Girl, pleez.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

You better pop off those Hello Kitty acrylics and make sure yo’ wiglet is sewn on real tight, because the Battle of the Mini Divas is about to go down.

And while you’re at it, you’re probably also going to need some protective eyewear and a bicycle helmet.  Maybe even a medical waiver.  And definitely something sparkly.

Because this week was Diva Week on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.

And Miss Asia Monet Ray was back in the hizzle to spell it out for you.  

D-I-V-A.  All in caps.  In glitter glue.

With only five tiny dancers remaining, the coffee pot was really starting to percolate now and both the Moms and the kids were feeling the pressure as they filed in for this week’s mini challenge.  Especially when they came face to face with Abby Lee Miller and her pink boa.

Because any time you pull out the pink boa, you’re pulling out the Big Guns.

The theme:  Divas.  Sassy ones.

The skill:  Performance.  Because that’s what Diva’s do.  Duh.

The challenge:  Diva Dance-Off.  Oh, yeah.  It is SO on.

The number of times that Rachelle Rak will probably stand up and chew on some produce during the judging portion of this week’s extravaganza:  I can’t count that high without a calculator.  And I still can’t believe she can trademark ‘Apple Bite.’


As soon as the kids heard the word ‘Diva’ they got all excited.  Because kids love being all sassy and stuff.  Especially Honey Bow Bow JoJo, who was clearly bred in some underground laboratory solely for the purpose of wearing reflective hair ribbon and being fierce on the playground.  This was gonna be her week.  That’s what she said.

(Spoiler Alert:  More than you know, honey.  More than you know.)

The winner of this week’s Dance-Off Challenge would get to choose their dance routine and then hand off the next choice to the next dancer…and so on and so on down the line.

Like a Diva Chain.  Which set me up with so many jokes in my head that I can’t remember any of them right now, except for the dirty ones.

With a flip of her Big Gun boa, Abby announced that they would be dancing off against the Ultimate Diva.  The Diva’s Diva.  The Diva of all Divas.  The biggest Diva in the history of Divadom.  Wait for it…

Divas to the Dancefloor Drumroll, please.

Asia Monet Ray!  Come on down and show these little wannabes how you do, mmmkay?

Boom.  Boom.  Front flip.  Pow.

Last season’s booty poppin’ breakout star (…and recent Dance Moms SassyPants…) was back to get the party started.  And she had taken down her signature pumpkin donut hair bun on the way to the studio, so you knew she meant business.

Asia don’t play when she loses her bun.  I whip my hair, bitch.

One by one Asia faced off against the girls until only Kalani and McKaylee remained standing.  When the Diva Dust finally settled, Kalani threw enough glitter and shade to win the contest and the other girls took their place on the Diva Chain.

Side note:  Kalani’s Mom Kira kept the whole Fake Kristie Ray thing pretty low key during this week’s challenge, most likely because she knew the real Kristie was backstage somewhere getting ready to flap those hoop earrings around if anyone tried stealing her identity on national television.  You don’t mess with JLo’s shiz.  You just don’t.


Isn’t that right, Yvette?

After coming to the realization that our public school systems don’t even teach history anymore (…Marie Antoinette who?  Cleopatra who?…) the dances were assigned and everyone headed off to rehearse and Google ‘Name Some Famous Divas from History’ on their pink iPads.

Seriously.  Do they still make encyclopedias?  There’s a cigar bar in the financial district that I swear used to be a library.

Kalani had played it safe and given herself a sassy jazz Movie Star routine during the Diva Chain, choreographed by the guy I mistook for a Harlem Globetrotter in a previous episode.  As Victor Rojas tried to bring out her inner Sasha Fierce, Abby strolled in and voiced her disappointment in Kalani not challenging herself with something more acrobatic.

Kalani squirmed a little.  Kira sat on her hands and tried really hard to not to go to her Kristie Ray dark place.  And then Victor shot a three pointer.   I have no idea who this guy really is.

For some reason that nobody could seem to fathom, JoJo had not only chosen a hip hop routine (…which she imploded on last time…) but also chose Trinity as her duet partner.  So basically she had set herself up with a style of dance that she was not comfortable performing and then picked the girl who had out danced her in a previous routine.

I think Mom is tying her bows too tight.

As choreographer Q Pittman balanced a tiny yellow beanie on his head and tried to figure out how to turn two young girls into Down N Dirty Divas without getting NBC’s  Dateline cameras involved, he somehow KaBoomCha KaPowie Booyeah’d the routine into a krunk-worthy piece of KaChowza PowZizzle.

I swear Dance and Cheer people talk in Klingon just to mess with my head.


Down the hall, Giaaaaanna had finally figured out who Marie Antoinette was in the big scheme of things and was now working on a Let Them Eat Cake routine, choreographed by Joyce Chittick.  I’m sure she knows her stuff, but Joyce has the same haircut as everyone who works at the Chico’s in my mall and I prefer my choreographers to have edgier coiffures.  But maybe that’s just me.

The coolest part about Giaaaaanna’s dance was that she got to flap a Cee Lo Green fat lady in church fan and use a real Betty Crocker cake as a prop.  Shut.  Up.

I know, right?  Eating AND dancing?  All the time?  At the same time?  Add free internet and that’s pretty much what Heaven must look like.

Giaaaaanna’s Mom Cindy was still holding onto that grudge over JoJo being in the competition for another week and was once again slouched back in her comfy chair like she was back home cleaning out all the old General Hospitals from the DVR.  You know she bawled like a baby during Luke and Laura‘s wedding.  You just know she did.

Plus, she’s from Philly.  L-O-V-E.

Due to an apparent rip in the space-time continuum, Victor Rojas was also in another room choreographing McKaylee‘s Queen Of The Nile routine at the same time.  Now I’m not sure If I remember this guy from the Harlem Globetrotters or Star Trek.

Mom Shari was all bug eyed and stressed out again about the dance, because they were from Nebraska.  And in Nebraska they only raise cows and corn.  And sometimes sheep.

But not Divas.  So this one was gonna be a challenge.

I’m thinking that Mom might also want to double-check that theory with Shania Twain to confirm whether or not country girls can actually be Divas, if you know what I mean.

Man, I Feel Like A Woman.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Asia and Kristie Ray time!

Did you see them in the audience?  When they waved at me?  Because that’s totally what they did, you know.  Because JLo and I are tight.


Hey, Girlfriend!

Did you also see little mini-Asia Bella next to Mom?  Not many people know that Kristie and her husband (…who could bench press me with one hand while shaking up a GNC protein drink with the other, by the way…) are secretly creating an entire society of fierce little Miss Thangs as part of their long term goal of World Diva Domination.

It’s true.  She told me.  Because we’re tight.

Let’s Go!

My boy Kevin Manno was rocking yet another skinny suit and pointing around the stage like a traffic cop.  I keep telling you…Adam Levine better watch his skinny legs and back, because the Kevlar knows how to work the slim fit, too.

Richy Jackson was in another signature comic book vest and an armful of plastic watches.  His hair grows awfully fast, if I do say so myself, because I swear he has a different crop circle pattern on his head every week.

Miss Grown-Up SassyPants Rachelle was already werkin’ the judges’ desk like a theater prop before Kevin even finished the intros.  She was also basically wearing underwear and a vest, disguised by a bazillion silver studs.

Live It.  Want It.  Own It.  Bump-It.

Speaking of.  Giaaaaanna was up first with some major lift in her hair as she flapped her fan around and ended up cramming a fist full of cake straight into her face like she had just gotten out of a woman’s prison.  It was pretty hot.  And sloppy.  D-I-V-A.

Rachelle and Richy L-O-V-E’d it.  Abby, not so much.  Something about her shoes not matching her leg color and the prop guys not using the tasty frosting that Abby specifically requested from Cheesecake Factory.

Then it was down the Nile with McKaylee’s Cleopatra routine.  Two tear-away costume changes and a two finger wave from Richy and she was clearly safe for the week.

Of course, Rachelle stood up and showed McKayKay how the Egyptians used to werk a vanity mirror before Richy shoved her back in her seat again.  It’s called ‘Sass.’


Can you even imagine sitting next to Rachelle on an airplane?  I mean, really?

Kalani’s Movie Star dance was ok, but her DivaFace was more DisneyFace for a good portion of the routine.  And then Rachelle stood up again.

But Trinity and JoJo’s hip hop routine was when it really got good.

Clearly blinded by the dust that Trinity was kicking up as she hit each move wicked hahhhd, JoJo didn’t stand much of a chance against her partner.  Maybe it was the can of Lady Gaga soda wrapped in her bangs that was slowing her down.  I told her to stick with juice boxes, but she never listens.

As soon as they finished the dance, Rachelle was on her feet, channeling every Diva on the DVD box set.  She was testifying like Whitney.  She was spinning around like Patti LaBelle.  She was giving us Celine Realness.

That crazy bitch even threw her white fur coat across the room at Trinity like it was Holy Water.  Like some shot putter at the Drag Queen Olympics or something.

I don’t know if she was trying to knock JoJo down or what…but it was a true D-I-V-A moment.  And a middle finger to PETA.

Once Kristie Ray’s husband finally rushed the stage and restrained Rachelle with a few of those buckle straps that nobody can chew through, it was down to eliminations.

Kalani and JoJo ended up in the Bottom Two.  No real surprises.

In the end, JoJo was sent away to pack up all her hair bows and hit the road.

It was not her day.  She cried.  Everyone cried.

Good luck to JoJo.  And good luck to Rachelle trying to get her coat back from Trinity.

And then there were four.

Diva Week was over.  Go home, please.  Nothing to see here.

Miss Asia has left the building.

Everybody wave buh bye now.


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