I’ve said it before, and it bears repeating.
Sometimes I love this stuff way too much. Especially when the stars align just right and the Reality Gods start the week off by dropping a big one right on your head.
Today was one of those days. And it was a little slice of Hot Mess Heaven.
Anderson Cooper kicked off Season 2 of his revamped Anderson Live in true Redneck Style, all highlighted with bronzer, innuendo and a whole lot of incoherence.
I mean, come on. Does it get any better?
Considering the gossipy summer that our boy AC just endured, if your first new show starts out with “Oh, Anderson…you know you love the Slurpees,” then…well…you’re talking my kind of smack. It was all the things I love in one sloppily wrapped package.
Anderson Cooper. Honey Boo Boo Child. Mama June. Tan Mom. Crazy faces.
Seriously. Just pinch me.
With co-host Kristin Chenoweth all freshly revived from her recent on-set unconsciousness and ditzy as ever, Anderson mixed up a big glass of Go Go Juice and in his best none-CNN voice got us up to speed on Honey Boo Boo Child and all that delightful Redneckosity that we’ve been obsessing over since he last gave Pageant Moms the Pageant Treatment.
Because Alana had to scoot off to school (…I know, right? Yeah…she goes to school, people…) she and Mama June Shannon had to call this one in remotely, which pretty much guaranteed that little Boo Boo would blast off into SpazOrbit as soon as the camera monitor light flickered red.
And she did.
So not only were we distracted by Mom wearing makeup and a smokey eye (…take a moment to process that one if necessary, because she was rockin’ it…) but now we had Alana gettin’ all sassified on Skype while everyone in the studio tried to figure out what the F*** was in her OJ this morning.
Whatever it was, I want some.
To paraphrase Kristin…if you’re gonna be a Mess, be a good Mess.
Testify. And Redneckognize yourself the power of Honey Boo Boo Child.
Since this was my lucky day, no sooner did we digest our Honey Boo Boo cereal than in wobbled UVA-List celeb Patricia “Tan Mom” Krentcil and her enabling husband, Rich.
I’m not even sure what happened after the introduction. And neither was Anderson, who clearly has the best WTF face in all of television today.
Tan Mom rambled on and on about this and that and flipped her lengthy Jersey claws so close to Anderson’s face that I was afraid she would ruin his HD career in one nervous swipe. String together a full sentence and spit it out, honey.
The ongoing legal battle over whether she did or did not take her daughter into the tanning bed all those many months ago is still in limbo. But that hasn’t prevented Tan Mom from milking her 15 minutes like they were the last quarter hour on a tanning package about to expire at the end of the month.
She’s been everywhere lately. Most infamously at a Drag Show where she fell down a couple hundred times and showed us that yes…she does indeed wear underwear and like her cocktails. Allegedly.
Tanning, it seems, was just a hobby for Patty. Much like scrapbooking or collecting butterflies or golf I guess, which allowed her to get out of the house and…then…well, people…it’s…they don’t…she…orange lights and it….I would never…painted facade…
Well, I’ll just let her explain.
Yeah. What she said.
Insert your own WTF face right here ____________.
And then have a Slurpee on me. You know you want one.