Dance Moms: Holy Toledo, Batman! It’s Another Chance To Blame It All On Ohio…Or Maybe Just That New Girl.Wednesday, March 12th, 2014
Just saying I’m into stocky guys and dudes with funny hats. Think we can make this happen?
Lawd have mercy. I’m gonna have to write a whole other book just to get that outta my head.
I don’t recall that Dr. Beyoncé lady’s hair looking like that last year on the Zenith. Do you, Bernice?
It’s called a smokey eye. Doesn’t anyone read Cosmopolitan Magazine anymore?
Haters gonna hate. But sometimes it’s just good to be Jill. It’s ok to be jealz.
Srsly. What the hell? A haunted house? I never had to put up with all this s*** in Miami, bitches.
OhMyGod! We took the wrong dog home from the nursing home last night!
I think I finally figured out what’s on that sheet of paper that Melissa is always holding during competitions. When she isn’t texting, I mean.
She must be keeping track of all the new faces that come and go through the revolving door of the ALDC. That has to be what she’s doing. Because without some kind of spreadsheet I don’t think that even Abby Lee Miller could remember who gets to keep their logo tank tops for another week and who has to wash and return them before hitting the road. Don’t cut the tags off just yet, kids.
Dance Moms was back this week with yet another stray child attempting to score a permanent locker and snappy track jacket of their own. And the pressure was building.
Because Eight is great. And Nine is fine. But then again…there’s Ten.
I don’t know if they were referring to winning streaks or newbie dancers, but everyone kept rhyming stuff for the full hour like it was Seussical the Musical.
Good Golly, Miss Molly. Buy that book by Dr. Holly.
This week started out in the lobby again, with Abby and her trusty sidekick Gianna chilling and gossiping and doing everything they could possibly think of to avoid having to organize that hot mess of a front desk.
Four seasons later, I’m beginning to realize that parking lot potholes and front desk clutter are two things I’m going to have to come to terms with or I’ll drive myself crazy.
Abby let Gia know that yet another spunky new kid would be joining them this week for a test run. Fallon and her Mom Cheryl from the Orlando Open Call Auditions.
And in they came. All polite and sparkly and excited to be in Pittsburgh.
Sidenote: Do these little tykes all wear glitter eyeliner to school, too? Or do they put in on the car on the way to rehearsals? I’m never really sure if it’s 7am or 7pm when everyone shows up at the studio, so I’m just throwing that one out there.
And then it was time for the Pyramid of Shame. And to introduce Fallon to the Team.
Did you see Nia‘s little half-wave? Amazing. I couldn’t tell if Sasha couldn’t be bothered putting the effort into a full-on ‘Howdy’ since it was already pretty clear that Fallon would be gone by next week, or if she just didn’t dare fall out of military formation. You know how the General can be during inspection.
But it’s also the International Year of the Nia, so she’s got a lot on her plate right now.
Regardless, it was fabulous. Hi. Yeah. Whatev.
Kalani was MIA. Which I didn’t understand, since she still shows up on some of the kid’s Instagrams. Which totally just sounded like I creep young girl’s Instagram accounts.
Which I don’t do. Because it’s called Research, thank you very much.
Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Kendall, Chloe and Nia. Kendall had pulled a measly Ninth Place last week, so she’s lucky Abby didn’t add a 4th row to the Pyramid just for her. Chloe had done the same turn for ten minutes in the Improv Dance-Off part of the competition, while Nia only did half a turn before she got cut, so I didn’t have high hopes for my girls this week. There’s always next time, little buckeroos.
The middle row was tag teamed by Fallon and Mackenzie‘s pouty Kardashian face. I forget why Fallon made it that high up in her first 4 minutes with the ALDC because Melissa started doing that hyper-fast stress blinking that she always does when she’s about to lose her nutty on someone and it really distracted me for a second.
Mackenzie was given props for having that crazy seizure on stage and giving Face, Face and More Face. I totally called that one last week, by the way.
And then Maddie was on top. She’ll probably be on top next week, too, if you have somewhere to be at 9pm.
Special shout out to Holly and her new sweater ensemble. And her sassy pants.
Because she definitely had her sassy pants on this week. Oh, snap.
Seriously. When Abby first revealed Fallon taped above Nia on the Pyramid and Holly put her hands on her hips and got all OhHellNo, she kind of looked like Clair Huxtable pretending to be Wonder Woman standing on a rock overlooking Paradise Island wondering why all her kids are late for dinner again when she clearly stated 6pm.
Did that even make any sense?
And to my other MomCrush Jill, who seems to have finally gotten her hair under control and when she dials down some of the fur accessories is looking pretty damn fly. Did you see her in that red dress at the competition? Dang, girl. Werk those Spanx. Hubba.
We. Love. Jill. Dot-Com.
This week the gang was headed to another In10sity Dance Competition in Toledo, Ohio.
Yeah. That Ohio.
Candy Apples turf. And you know how Abby gets when Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein shows up on the playground.
Kendall and Fallon scored solos. The group routine was called Red With Envy. Cheryl is a hard 40+ years old. And her boobs are real.
Because Christi asked. So there you go.
While all the Moms were in the MomPerch looking at Cheryl’s chest, Chaos Cathy and her team were up in Ohio working out their own kinks.
Bad A** choreographer Blake McGrath was gone. Off getting another skull tattoo or something. And in his place was some hottie from Los Angeles named Erin, who you could tell was making the two male dancers act a little dorky.
Especially Zack Attack Torres, who had somehow inexplicably grown at least 2 feet taller since the last time we saw him and was a Real Boy now. Holy Growth Spurt, Pinocchio.
But let’s be honest. All that really mattered was Cathy’s smokey eye.
I know, right? What was that all about? It was a little less like a Jersey nail tech and whole lot more like some shaky priest had completely missed her forehead on Ash Wednesday. I had to walk away for a minute just to wash my face.
The only thing that could really top that was a trip to an assisted living center.
It was time to go visit Abby’s Mom Maryen Lorraine Miller and put on a quick improv show for the residents of The Sterling House. And for Abby to yell at some old people.
The serious part: We miss Maryen, who passed away in February. She proved that she was sharp as a tack right to the end, sitting there all coiffed and hair bowed, and it was clear how much all the girls loved her as they stampeded in with glitter cards and warm fuzzy hugs. Her contribution to the world of dance can’t be ignored and she will live on forever in the hearts of young dancers everywhere.
The not quite so serious part: There was a dead dog on the bed.
Shut. Up. Broadway Baby was back. Stuffed and just chilling out on the blanket like nothing had happened. It was so wrong on so many levels that it almost seemed right.
It was also nice to see that no matter how old you get, you still don’t have to listen to your Mother as Abby tossed Mackenzie’s live dog (…butt first, of course…) right in Maryen’s face before scooping him up again and dumping the tiny pup right on top of Broadway Baby despite Maryen begging her not to tread on sacred territory.
Luckily the little dog caught the scent of cellophane wrapped Grandma Candy and scooted across the bed before he soiled the Broadway Baby shrine in any way. Because I know what you expected him to do. And it probably would have been hilarious.
The girls then did a quick Improv Dance-Off, complete with a grand finale Nia Frazier Death Drop. Which seemed like an odd message to send to residents of an assisted living center, but I’m not here to judge.
As the competition drew closer, the ALDC rehearsals grew more stressful but remained fairly uneventful. Fallon had trouble remembering which foot was the Right one and Kendall learned that if she didn’t place in the Top Five this week it wouldn’t be pretty.
And speaking of pretty, thanks to Christi we also learned that Jill likes to keep herself ‘fresh,’ which I believe is MomCode for Restylane fillers.
Remember that time when Jill wrapped her belly in saran wrap? The man on QVC says that shrink wrapping all your squishy stuff will definitely extend its shelf life.
The More You Know, kids. Just keeping it Real. And keeping it Fresh.
Finally, it was Showtime!
At the Collingwood Arts Center. Which I think was supposed to be spelled ‘Collinwood.’
Like the mansion in Dark Shadows. Where Barnabas Collins lived. Who was a vampire. Wait. What?
Can someone explain what this place was all about? Because I have no clue. It was almost as if the In10sity guys forgot to put down a deposit and ended up having to run the show out of someone’s house. There were secret hallways. A million doors. Everyone was bumping into each other trying to get to the bathroom.
Did you see the actual performances? The stage looked like someone had just pushed the couches out of the way and made the kids all dance under emergency generator lighting. And I’m not even exaggerating for once.
There was even a hand coming out of the wall trying to grab Brigette Triana‘s head.
On the bus ride over, Cheryl had casually mentioned that she didn’t actually bring anything for Fallon to wear during her solo. Holly made some of her best HollyFaces yet while Melissa proved that she had clearly mastered the art of being snarky without even looking up from an iPhone. Meow, girls. Me. Ow.
So that meant that Abby had to go to Macy’s and buy an armload of dresses in a last minute panic. Good thing they have a One Day Sale every weekend.
And then it was really, finally, Showtime!
Chaos Cathy sent out a tiny shirtless boy for her solo contribution. She basically broke up the Gavin/Mackenzie Morales salsa set and made the brother do all the heavy lifting this week. He could use a few bicep curls, but otherwise he did great.
Kendall rocked her solo, while newbie Fallon didn’t even know where she was. That kid was lucky she even made it onto the stage before forgetting her entire routine.
Abby tried to coerce the two dudes in charge of the event to disqualify Fallon on the spot because she was such a mess, but they weren’t buying it. Some nonsense about rules or something.
Nice hat, by the way.
A couple of times during the event, Jill and Cathy went a few rounds, but it was pretty tame compared to previous water tossing, pocketbook swinging confrontations. Cathy seems to have lost her will to live lately. Especially when you’re trapped inside a venue where municipal fire codes only allow seven people in a room at one time.
And then she panicked. Cathy cut the CADC group number right as the kids had one foot on the stage. Because if you know you can’t win at something, it’s always better to just take all your toys and go home instead of striving to be the best you can be under less than perfect conditions. Or at least I think that was the teaching moment.
Somehow, Fallon pulled a Third Place by simply wandering around stage for two minutes.
Sign me up for that gig. I love trophies.
Kendall lost out to Gavin by 1/10th of a point as they pulled in Second and First Place respectively. But still a major victory for girls who cry too easily and skinny boys everywhere.
The ALDC group routine brought in another First Place. Boom.
Backstage, everyone was screaming and hugging and high-fiving each other like it was the Superbowl. Except for Holly, who got left hanging with both hands up in the air and nobody to palm slap. Anyone else notice that one?
Girlfriend. Love you. Mean it. But you’re like 8 feet tall in heels. What kid is gonna hit that target? They’re dancers, not Globetrotters. I did get up off the couch and give you ten so you didn’t feel left out, if that makes you feel any better.
Next time…low five on da side, yo.
And then Abby sent Fallon home without even a consolation prize. Thanks for playing.
Cathy whined a little more and then grabbed the crosstown to get the heck outta there before Brigette freaked out. Yet another loss for the Candy Apples.
Time for Lady Killer Lucas to bring his heart breaking skills to Pittsburgh, I think. And bring Pinocchio with you. He can stick his head out the sun roof.
And then it was over. Ten if you’re counting.
Next week? Drag Queens.
Now we’re talking.