Bring It!: Locked In And Turnt Up. It’s The Dolls Vs. The Dollz In A Memphis Bucking Burlesque Showdown.Saturday, April 26th, 2014
All the crazy ladies. Put your hands up.
She’s totally two gurlz short of a Destiny’s Child Reunion, but dang that bitch is fine.
Somedays I just wanna lock ALL the crazy ones in the building and go buy stuff at the mall.
This is the most ratchet Disneyland vacation evah. They’re even gettin’ cheap with the hats.
I dunno whether Miss D said to put some stank on it or some steak on it. But I like ‘em both.
Dat’s rite. Whip that around. Mama like.
Memphis just lucky I didn’t wanna mess up my new hair or it woulda been Black Friday at Walmart.
If you don’t love Bring It! I’m not sure we can be friends anymore.
I mean, c’mon.
Sure, it’s crazy. Everything about it is. But it’s the good kind.
From the Moms (…and Dads!…) to their whacky hair and whacky fashion choices to the even whackier way they talk and scream and giggle all over the sidewalks of Jackson.
Cray. Zee. To the umpteenth power of Cray.
But deep down there is still a strong message about working hard and loving your family and supporting your kids in whatever dream they dare to dream. There’s even a ton of hip hop dancing that is waaay harder than anything I’ve ever busted out at the clubs.
(Not that I couldn’t, of course. I just hate showing off…)
Heck, I’m even learning how to paint toxic glitter swirlies directly onto my own eyeballs without going legally blind. It’s not as easy as it looks.
So, yeah. Bring It! We like it.
This week, the Dancing Dolls were headed back to Memphis, Tennessee. Again.
Since I pride myself on only blogging about subjects that I know absolutely nothing about, I have no idea why they keep going back to Memphis. They just do.
And now they’re going again.
After having lost out to the Purple Diamonds at the most recent competition, it was important to Coach Dianna Williams that everyone hit the ground running.
That meant bigger Stands, more elaborate choreography and working through the trauma of having just witnessed your rivals spank their own jiggly purple bodonkadonks in a show of both poor sportsmanship and clear love for fast food.
‘Member dat? Dat s*** nasty. The Purple Diamonds turned and spanked themselves all up in the Dolls’ faces as they snatched the trophy. I’m having trouble getting that visual out of my brain when I go to bed every night and I only saw their junk on a TV screen.
I call it PDPTSD. When you figure it out, it’s inappropriately hilarious.
This week the Dolls would be competing at the Bucking Burlesque (…with a ‘B‘…) Competition and be facing off against the Dancing Cloverleafs, the Prancing Tigerettes, the Rockettes (…probably not the New York ones…) the Sparkling Jewels, the Dynamic Diamond Dollz (…with a ‘Z‘ like Liza…) and the Girls Who Would OMG Literally Die If They Ever Met One Direction.
The Dolls would be performing in the Stand Battle and Burlesque categories, which would put them head to head against their other closest rivals the Diamond Dollz.
Miss D was concerned about over-sexualizing the Burlesque routine. The Dolls are all still just school age girls, remember, so we’d like to keep it that way a little longer.
Honestly, after six seasons of Toddlers & Tiaras nothing really phases me anymore, but I totally get where she was going with it. Once you’ve seen a 3 year old booty pop to a Shirley Temple song it takes a lot to make me look up from my snack tray.
As the Dolls got to rehearsing inside, the Mamas were all outside doing what they do best.
Seloncé got the party started by declaring that the Team needed to win this weekend because they didn’t need any more ‘looses’…as opposed to ‘losses’…which has more ‘Ss’ and less ‘Os’ in the word.
Oh, Selena. You just stay cute.
Right about now was when the Mamas lost their marbles.
It’s Rittany Bitch, who was balancing about 3 feet of new braids on top of her head, almost untied them all she was laughing so hard. My girl Tina actually did knock her wig off, because she was standing their in kinda sorta her own hair for the first time ever.
Except that a few weeks ago, if you’ll recall, when she snatched her own weave during some drama with Seloncé she only had fuzzy Kool-Aid hair up under there. And now it was long. Still as neon red as that Play-Doh you’re not supposed to put in your mouth.
But really long now.
So I’m thinking…you know.
And then there was Mimi. Everyone’s favorite Neighborhood Watch-er was bouncing around like a tennis ball in a dryer, which made these two gigantic pom poms on her knit hat wobble back and forth like she was Mickey Mouse having some kind of a stroke.
I’m not really sure if the hat was supposed to look like a bootleg Disney gift shop item, or if it was the Real Deal, or if Mimi even knew there were two pom poms boinking around on her head.
But it didn’t matter. Love her. Love them all. Don’t make me choose. That would be like picking one of my kids.
Back inside, the Dolls (…with an ‘S‘…) were still working on the Burlesque choreography. It was new. And different. And required about 72 girls all on the floor at the same time, so needless to say a few of them were having some fender benders in all that traffic.
When they finally made the switch to rehearsing the new Stand specifically created for the Dollz (…with a ‘Z‘…) it was getting late and it just wasn’t happening.
Wait. What? It’s like a sleepover. If they have sleepovers in Hell, that is.
Dianna announced that the Team was being locked inside the Dollhouse for the night and would rehearse until paramedics discovered their bodies in the morning if that’s how long it took to nail down these routines.
Bitch was getting Krunk.
The Mamas took the Lock-In news fairly well, except for Mimi. Aw. Hell. Naw. Her Mickey ears were flapping so hard that the International Space Station probably picked it up as code for some kind of international disturbance.
Gurrrrrl, pleez. Chillax.
The Moms were sent home to retrieve sleeping bags and shower caps, so naturally Seloncé returned with enough shizz to get Sunjai through her Freshman year at college. The 45 pound Poland Springs water jug was a nice touch and would certainly have come in handy during the Lock-In if Sunjai had remembered to pack a 100 pound office water cooler base unit and industrial extension cord in her dance bag that morning.
Really, Seloncé? Lawd. Or Lort. You choose.
Not to be outdone, Rittany showed up with one of those ribbed inflatable air mattress/pool floaty things that always remind me of giant Oscar Mayer wiener packages.
After every Mama emptied out their daughter’s bedroom and shoved it through the door of the Dollhouse, the girls went back to practicing until they couldn’t practice anymore. Then it was time to hit the wieners and call it a night.
The next morning we got to see what happens to your hair when you sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor of a dance studio all night.
But it’s all good. Trust me, I’m not taking selfies when I wake up on the floor either.
At least that one girl brushed her teeth, right?
(Relax. That’s a joke. They all did. It’s only a one hour show. You do the math.)
With only one day before competition, the Stand cuts took place and poor Sunjai got cut.
But she was Coolio wid it and even stayed with the Team to continue learning the moves on her own. Dianna was really impressed that Sunjai stuck around, even though there was clearly no way for her to get out anyway since the doors were still locked.
Outside, the Mamas returned to check up on progress after the Lock-In.
Their girls were looking good. And so was Seloncé, who took full advantage of the Dance Factory‘s free overnight babysitting service and spent the entire Sunjai-free day whipping herself into a Day Spa frenzy.
Facial: Check! Mani: Check! Pedi: Check! You Just Stay Cute: Check!
Finally, it was Showtime.
Two shows, actually, if you count Selonceé in her full-on Salute to Burlesque ensemble. Mama was representing her baby girl by working a pair of long black All That Jazz gloves, a flower in hair and a bustier that kept popping open.
John Connor, Coach for the Dynamic Diamond Dollz, arrived in his white polo and khakis, looking exactly like one of the sales guys who works at whatever store it is where they all wear white polos and khakis. I forget.
I know it’s not Target, because they have red polos. And Best Buy has blue polos. And a place up in Maine has yellow ones with a lobster wearing a raincoat on it.
Whatever. He looked like he works at the White Polo Store.
Jamar, the Host of this shindig, was another Boyz II Men look-a-like who held out the last syllable of every team like the guy used to do on Toddlers & Tiaras.
In our Burlesque Outfit of Choice: The Dancing Doooollllllllllls and MaKenzzzziiiiiiieeeee.
(That’s two T&T flashbacks, if you’re keeping track.)
The Dollz (…with a ‘Z‘…) hit the floor first for Burlesque. There were only five of them dancing around and one was holding a Ben and Jerry‘s ice cream cone that later turned out to just be a toy microphone. I guess she was channeling Christina Aguilera or something. It was screwy.
By the time all 72 Dolls (…with an ‘S‘…) stormed the spotlight, nobody even remembered the other routine. They killed it. There was even a part where they were all on the floor in a circle and then one by one they all rolled and whipped their hair like synchronized swimmers would do if their pool caps popped off during a Vegas casino show.
It was Miss D’s favorite part and it kind of made her get all jiggly like you do when the steakhouse waitress brings over your meal and tells you that they upgraded it to a better cut of beef for free because they dropped your first order on the kitchen floor.
The Stand Battle is where it got Buck(ing) Wild.
The Dynamic Diamond Dollz came out with a handful of those generic Barbies they sell at the Dollar Store and proceeded to pop off all the heads like they were killing real the real Dolls. One by one by one by one.
Except that, according to their track jackets, they’re also real Dollz themselves. Just with a different last letter on the embroidery. So it didn’t really make much sense if you thought about it for too long.
The second Dynamic Diamond Dollz Stand was equally as much of a head scratcher. Or more of an eye scratcher and hair puller, if you really want to get technical.
They do like their props. And this time it was some kind of a staged girl fight where they all ended up dancing with straggly pieces of weaves and clumps of white fabric that looked like diapers all over the floor. Not sure what that was all about.
But whatever it was, it must have inspired some dude in the audience, because all of the sudden a real fight broke out.
I swear. I never left the room. I never changed channels. I was looking directly at my television. But I still have no idea what happened.
Or how it happened. Or who started it. Or what it was about.
Or why that one Dollz (…with a ‘Z‘…) chick in the blue pants just stood there with her back to all the dramzzz (…with 3 ‘Zs‘…) the entire time.
F’realz. She never moved. Go check your DVR. Even when Tina and Dianna and Mimi all pressed themselves together like a sandwich and got their freak on, this little chick was just standing their like she was waiting for the 39 bus.
Needless to say, Jamar called off the event and sent everyone home.
It was bad for the Dolls. But probably worse for the Tennessee Department of Tourism, because I swear every time someone goes to Memphis they get rolled in a parking lot.
I’ll pass, thank you.
Kayla rose to the occasion and corralled all the Dolls into a back room to catch their breath. Kayla to the rescue.
As always, Dianna turned yet another mess in Memphis into a Teaching Moment about facing adversity and accepting challenges. Her girls are better than this. Way better.
Locked-In or Turnt Up.
They’re the Dancing Dolls.