Posts Tagged ‘Bring It! Memphis TN’

Bring It!: The Dolls Face The Dollz In A Memphis Rematch. We’re Talking Hip Hop, Booty Pops…And Do I See Boys?

Friday, September 12th, 2014




Yaaaaaaaas, Honey! I wanted to ride that crazy bitch like a big diesel John Deere Weave Whacker!







Excuse me?







Honestly, I’m way too stressed out about this whole Hip Hop thang to even begin tryna figure out my Mama.






We’re going Uptown to lay some Smack Down on M-Town. It’s time to spank some babies, y’all.






Bitch, pleez. My trophy for ‘Biggest DBag Compensating For His Inadequacy’ is bigger than that. Give it to the gurlz.







Excuse me?







Lawd Have Mercy. There ain’t enough cookies in the trunk or cake in the oven for all this drama.




You know what they say.

It’s always sumthin in Memphis.

Well, maybe not when it comes to the BBQ ribs, because those are consistently pretty tasty no matter where you end up.  They’re also not as messy as the Kansas City rub variety, which is a plus if you just got your nails did or have your son’s birthday party scheduled for next weekend.

But if you and your Bring It! crew are planning to head across the border from Jackson in search of some drama-free Hip Hopping?

Then, yeah.  It’s gonna be sumthin.  Always.

Just ask the Dancing Dolls.

Been There.  Done That.  Got the Bedazzled T-shirt.

This week Dianna Williams and the girls were headed back to that little corner of Tennessee again to prove, once and for all, who Run The World.  Or at least the city of Memphis.  And hopefully with less stress and scoring errors than they’ve encountered during their last few visits.

In addition to competing in the Stand Battle (…which the Dolls can set on fiyah in their sleep, thank you very much…) the Team was also signed up for a whole new category.

Hip Hop.

Side note:  As Miss D laid out all the deets, that sound you heard in the background was just Camryn knocking her head against the wall so many times that she went through the sheet rock into the adjoining retail establishment.


Clearly, our girl’s not a big fan of the Hip.  Or the Hop.

Assuming that they even made it past the Memphis Border Patrol, the Dolls would be going up against the Sensational Divas, the Divas of Distinction, the Dynamic Diamond Dollz and the Girls Who Honestly Believe That They Stand A Chance Of Marrying One Of The Guys From 5 Seconds Of Summer.

(Good luck with that one, by the way.)

Oh.  And did I mention that the Dolls would also be facing M-Town Image?

No way.  Boyz?  In the hizzle?

M-Town was apparently a Memphis big dealio made up of nothing but boy parts, so that just raised the bar for Miss D and the Dolls.  You know how those boys dance nowadays.

As the girls all formed a human tug-of-war chain to pull Cammie’s head out of the neighboring Sleep Number Bed store, the DDP Mamas were all outside in the midst of their own majorly awesome Weave War.

I know, right?  I didn’t even know there was such a thing.

Turns out that my girl Tina, Neighborhood Surveillance MonitorMom Mimi and It’s Rittany Bitch all had a little problem with the mylar balloon arch that Seloncé had carted into last week’s competition in honor of Sunjai‘s first Stand Battle.

You know the one.  The one that spelled out S-U-N-J-A-I in letters so big that the crew of the International Space Station is still using it to recharge their solar panels and take selfies from 248 miles away.  That balloon arch.


Seloncé didn’t see anything wrong with celebrating her child.  Heck, Tina has a closet full of curvy Kayla Couture and Mimi’s got that gigantic Cammie Head-On-A-Stick (…which I totally need for my own gigantic Head-On-A-Stick collection, BTW.  Hook a brotha up…)

So what was all the whoop about a big a** balloon arch?

You had to see it to truly appreciate it.

Everyone was trying to explain how they should be celebrating the entire team, not just one girl.  It was everyone’s day, not just Sunjai’s day.  Everyone was talking at once.  They were looking at each other and then they were turning their backs on each other and then they were looking at each other again.

I call a Weave War!

And then Tina just whipped it.  Whipped it good.

Right in Seloncé’s face.  Like one of those spinning mop things they use to clean the marble post office floors that always snap your ankles when you try to walk around the crazy maintenance guy.

Oh, you got some hair now?  Well so do I.

Hair whip.  Hair whip.  MmmHmm.  MmmHmm.

Tina werked it like I don’t know what.  And then Seloncé did.  And then back and then forth.  Mimi even got a mouthful when she accidentally got too near the line of fire.

I’m pretty sure Seloncé actually did part of the Single Ladies dance at some point.

Check it out:s

Mimi tried to break it down and make Seloncé see how she always turns every Sunjai Day into a Seloncé Day.  Both of which should totally be National Holidays when the Stock Market doesn’t open, if anyone is asking for my opinion.

Side note:  You can tell Rittany works in retail, because she just stood there with her face in her palm like I used to do every Black Friday.  Once you’ve seen people throw down over a waffle iron at 5am…you’ve seen it all.

And then somehow the whole discussion suddenly turned to cake.  Which Tina loves.  Next thing you knew, the two of them were hugging it out and realizing that their energy would be better spent whipping up a box of Betty Crocker Red Velvet.

Because, I mean…who doesn’t like cake?

Make.  This.  Show.  Be.  Two.  Hours.

Back inside, the Dolls were revving up a new Motorcycle Stand.  Literally.

Like you’d see on America’s Got Talent or something, where the girls all climbed on top of each other and turned themselves into a human motorcycle.

Which you pedaled, like a normal bike.  Wait.  What?

I know.  I didn’t ask.  Dianna seemed so into the motorcycle concept that I didn’t want to burst her bubble.  Plus, I’m already afraid she’s gonna hold a grudge when I point out all that DD4L Christmas Tree Shoppe clutter again.

You see all that?  Boxes and glitter ‘Ds’ and plastic fake tupperware things from Target and that one lone broken leg crutch that’s still behind the desk.

Gurrrl, that shizz is EVERYwhere.

But I looove me some DD4L, so it’s all good until the fire department shuts you down.bp

ATTENTION! We interrupt this recap for a special announcement:

Happy Birthday, Cobe!  

It was the little peanut’s Big Day, so Dianna rented out an entire Community Center for a party waaaaay better than anything her son would get at Chuck E Cheese’s.

Full disclosure:  At first I thought it was a prison she rented out.  Really.  I swear that’s what the outside of that building looked like, but then I couldn’t recall ever seeing photos of any maximum security cellblock with an inflatable slide and a bouncy tent.  I also thought that Cobe ran through a tunnel of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, which turned out to be incorrect as well, so I think I’ll just let Dianna do all the party planning from now on and I’ll stick to what I know.

Or pretend to know.

I will also take off my cardboard party cone hat and salute pee wee Cobe for being such a playground playa.

Srsly.  Did you see all the grammar school babes he had dancing around him?  Dude has no adult teeth yet, but he’s got some serious Game.

After a few more slices of cake, because…I mean, you know… it’s cake…everyone scooted back to the Dollhouse for the final Hip Hop cuts.

Since I’m still getting death threats for making fun of the shower caps, we’ll skip right over this part.  But the names, tho.

(Love this show.  Two hours, please.  That’s all I’m asking.)cc

Finally, it was Showtime!

The Dolls hadn’t seen the Dollz (…with a ‘Z’…) since the Bucking Burlesque Battle, so Dianna knew that by now their opponents would be packing some new Stands, which DDDirector John Connor was more than happy to brag about when they arrived.

Remember John?  He’s the one with all the tattoos and not enough carbs.  Nice guy.  I like him even though the he could use a little more cake.

You couldn’t miss M-Town when they showed up, because they came into the building like every dude I ever knew in high school (…myself included…) who walked into every Friday night cafetorium dance all YoYo and Let’sDoThis and HeyGirlSup? getting all FistPump on everyone in their orbit.


M-Town Director Robert Ward made it crystal clear that his team could do everything from B-Boying to astrophysics and teleportation.  He kept tilting his head back and forth like DangGirlYouFine so much that his baseball cap ended up spinning around backwards.

Camryn was still stress bagging a little bit as the competition got ready to begin.  Before they headed to Memphis Mimi had pointed out that Cammie needed to be well-rounded if she wanted to make it in the World of Dance.  Not everybody likes Hip Hop.  But not everybody likes Algebra either, but you gotta do whatchoo gotta do sometimes.

That’s what happens when you’re too young to remember the TV show Fame.  

Forget all this pussy Glee stuff.  You want Fame?  Well Fame costs.  But you wouldn’t know that if you’ve never felt Debbie Allen slam a dance stick into your big toe right before call-back auditions.k

PS.  I wanna live forever.  Google it.

Side note:  While Dianna was giving her final pep talk before the Big Game, Camryn was shaking and practicing so much behind Miss D that I thought Lifetime had hired a sign language interpreter.

Relax, honey.  You’ll be fine.

When M-Town hit the floor in head-to-toe Mr. Clean, they Hip Hop danced like boys Hip Hop dance.  I don’t think they were ready for Step Up 3D: Part 7, but I like that thing where you go from laying on your stomach to backing up onto the tip of your Jordans.

Whatever that’s called.

Then the Dolls hit the floor.  Hit it Hip Hop Hard.  In sequined varsity jackets.

And it was Buck.  And how ’bout dat Kayla?  Holy KaylaMoly, Batman.  All slo-mo Running Man and chest popping and tucking all the boys’ stuff right back up where it came from.


And can we please have a special trophy next time just for Tina?  Cuz that bitch can’t sit still.  She was doing her signature shuffle all over the place.  And it gave me Life.

Whoever draws the short straw each week and has to sit next to Kayla’s Mama in the audience is guaranteed to go home with a bruise or two.

The crowd was going nuts.  The DDPs were going nuts.  I was going nuts.  mh1

By the time the Dolls slammed down their jackets and ended the Hip Hop routine with a Time Bomb I think my pajamas were on backwards.

Side note:  Excuse me, but I saw some Baby Dolls.  Whaaaat?  If this show was two hours like it was supposed to be, we could have seen them perform.  Just saying.

As the Stand Battle between the Dolls and the Dollz kicked into super-turbo high gear, everyone in the building was so wound up that taking the time to install all those seats in the building now seemed rather pointless.

The Dollz totally ripped off the Baby Dolls’ WhatTimeIsItOnMyNewAppleWatch? move by tapping their forearms, by the way.  I see what you did there.  Not cool.

But they done good otherwise.  Even Mimi had to admit they upgraded.

Not that it mattered by the time the Dolls rode that motorcycle.  Not one bit.  Construction guys actually came in and removed all the seats and nobody even noticed.

It was crazy.  Dianna ran in circles just slapping random strangers it was so good while Mimi jumped on Seloncé’s back and rode her all the way back to Jackson.

And then the awards were handed out.  The Dolls won First Place for Hip Hop and Robert Ward won First Place for being a Sore Loser.

The Twitterverse called him ‘salty’ (…which I don’t even know what that means…) but I prefer the term ‘being a Tool.’  Because that’s totally what he was doing.

h 2

He said that M-Town doesn’t care about trophies.  (Right.)  Because M-Town wins all the time.  (How’s that working out for you today?)  And besides, it was a little trophy.  (Mine’s bigger than yours.)  So just give it to the girls.

Thanks for the offer, dude.  But it looks like somebody already beat you to it.

Booyeah.  FistPump.

And then the Stand Battle ended in a tie.

Hold up.  A tie?

Q.  What is it with Memphis?  It’s always sumthin.  And how many outfits did John pack for this trip?  Seriously.  He was in different clothes every time they interviewed him.

Boys.  Go figure.

So another week was over.  Another win.  And another chance to learn and grow.

Camryn added another style of dance to her resume and made Mama proud.

Kayla proved that she can hang with the boys and lead her team to victory.  And the DDPs were still intact and feeling the love.  And that’s what the show is always about.

Family.  Friends.  And the Message.

That calls for a celebration.

And some cake.

Because…you know.



Bring It!: Prom Is Da Bomb…Or Is It? What Is Sunjai Gonna Do When The Dancing Dolls All Head To Memphis?

Sunday, August 3rd, 2014




It was funny the first 647 times, but now I’m kinda right t’here with the Wendy’s Restaurant jokes.






Somebody help me hold this door shut! She’s trynna get in the building again!







So you’re telling me the hair ain’t yours, but the boobs are real? Well I had that all backwards.






Lawd help me. This is like carrying an IKEA bean bag chair up four flights of stairs in high heels.






Girl…Wendy better shut that thing before someone pulls up and starts ordering drive-thru.






I know, baby girl. I’m sorry. Mama had no idea she was talking to the wrong Sunjai Disney Princess for the last two years.






AwHellNah. She got her own damn cardboard cut-out? And didn’t we just agree no more Wendy’s jokes?




Bring It! is back.

Which means that the Dancing Dolls are back, y’all.

Tryouts are over.  The Teams are in place.  And the weaves are looking tight and right.

Captains, Head Co-Captains, Co-Captains, Drill Masters, Butt Kissing Cupcake Bakers and that one little cutie patootie Baby Doll who always screams when she gets excited are all ready to go for another round of Hip Hop Majorette Competitions.

And with so much at stake this season, Dianna Williams wasn’t wasting anytime getting right down to bidnezz as the girls all piled into the Dollhouse for the 411.

This week the Team was headed back to Memphis, TN for the Bay Area Battle.  A big dealio of a competition being held in what is clearly the Hub of the Universe for Stand Battles.  Because they sure go to Memphis a lot.

So much so that the bus driver doesn’t even bother plugging in his GPS anymore, which is probably a good thing because that means it leaves the cigarette lighter open for Mimi to charge her Brookstone coffee mug heater.  And you know that hyper bitch gotta be looped up on Starbucks 24/7.  She gotta be.  It’s the only explanation I have for her…enthusiasm.

We love Mimi.  Love her Venti.  Which is even more than Grande.

At this week’s competition, the Dolls would be going head to head against the Dancing Cloverlearfs, the Divas of Distinction, the Prancing Tigerettes and the Girls Who Still Refuse To Admit That Justin Bieber Is a Douchebag.


They were also going up against some random new team that I think Dianna said was called Diva Time.  I’m not positive, because sometimes she talks too fast and I couldn’t reach my remote to rewind.  But I’m going with Diva Time anyway, because like I always say…any time is a good time for Diva Time, a’ight?

And you can cross-stitch that shizz on a pillow if you want, bitch.  Werk.

Miss D explained that this week’s showdown was going to be especially special, which already didn’t make any sense since I don’t think you can get any special-er than straight up special.  Extra-special, maybe.  Or a 2-for-1 special, like at Cheesecake Factory.  But I don’t think especially special is even a real category.

Regardless, what she was trying to point out was that the Dolls would be entering into a rematch with the Prancing Tigerettes, who they had not seen since the Battle Royale.

Where they beat them.  Beat them so hard that Coach Quincy Oliver‘s Verizon earpiece popped out, fell on the floor and almost got swallowed up by one of those random audience babies you always see crawling around center court during Awards.

So it was on.

The Dancing Dolls had won the Bay Area Battle Grand Champ title for the last 6 years, so losing out on #7 wasn’t really going to be an option.

Part of the Dancing Dolls strength is in their numbers.  Eighty-Five or so strong.  And I don’t know about you, but if I saw 85 girls in fringed spandex coming at me in a parking lot I’d move out da way mighty fast.  So Dianna felt good about their chances this week, but everyone still needed to be on their game.  Even the new girls on the Team.


Who, we found out, were called Crabs.

Not the ointment kind, though.  The ocean kind.  The crabs who crab-walk their way up to the top of the barrel from the bottom.  Dianna was talking metaphorically, not medically, which I’m sure was a relief to anyone who has ever ridden to a competition in tight quarters on a hot Greyhound bus before.

Dianna had made the decision to toss some of the good kind of crabs into the Stand Battle this week, which made Kayla get all like Hold Up Hold Up She Gonna What? as they got to choreographing the routines.  Stay tuned on that one.

Outside, the Moms were on the sidewalk doing what they do best:  getting sassy and making their Bucket List for the new season.

It’s Rittany Bitch wanted Crystianna to continue building her self confidence and continuing coming out of her shell even more this year.  Mimi wanted Camryn to put some mo’ thug in it, like Kayla.  Cuz Kayla’s got thug in her, yo.  She also has some of the best WTF? faces on the show.  F’realz.  Check ’em out.

My girl Seloncé wanted her baby Sunjai to finally make cuts for the Stand Battle and Tina wanted me to go one week without a wig joke, which isn’t gonna happen.

Love them all.

Back inside, rehearsals were kind of all over the place.  Dianna was busting out some of her classic one liners (…”You scared? Got to church and pray!”…) as the Team tried to figure out the fastest way to mash old and new girls into one cohesive unit.


As we noted last week, the producers kept cutting to shots of that one lone white girl so often that I felt they were stockpiling CNN visuals in case she ran away later in the season.  And again, as we noted last week, I’m allowed to say that without everyone spamming my email because I’m a white boy who sometimes screams like a white girl who also watches CNN every morning while I’m having breakfast.

The Twitterverse noticed it too, but not as vocally as the first episode.  Since I still haven’t gotten up the nerve to buck in front of Miss D, I really like that girl’s spunk.

After a snooze and some more rehearsing, it was the night before competition.  A good time to fine tune any issues with the routines, but probably not the best time for Sunjai to decide that she wanted to go to her prom instead of the Bay Area Battle.

I’m going to assume that she made that decision a few days earlier, since she already had a dress hanging on the back of her bedroom door back home, but it had taken her until now to get up the nerve to let Dianna know she would be MIA this weekend.

After a supportive shove from her besties, Sunjai approached Miss D’s desk and let her know that even though she was 432% committed to the Dolls, she would be going to her once in a lifetime prom instead of the competition this weekend.

Side note:  Why is there always one crutch leaning up against the back wall behind Dianna’s head?  I never see any girl wearing a cast or hopping around the joint with only one leg.  It doesn’t bother me as much as trying to figure out how anyone is supposed to get up into that door that’s 3 feet off the ground with no stairs (…anyone else ever see that door back there besides me?…) but I still make a KaylaFace every time Dianna sits down.


After pretending that she was going to lose her marbles, Dianna psyched out Sunjai and happily let her go to the prom.  From the first episode Miss D has always said that she wants her girls to experience all the things in life that she did not get to experience.

Including prom.  Wait.  What?  She didn’t go to her prom?

Right about now was when Dianna noted that years ago her own Mama ran her prom date away, thus ruining any chance she had of dancing to Stairway to Heaven.

Miss D should know by now that if she only lets little snippets like that leak out in conversation and doesn’t give her audience the full story, then people like me will just go ahead and make s*** up to fill in the blank spots.  Which I did.  And now I have a really good made up prom story in my head that I might share with you all at a later date.

Or turn into a Lifetime Movie with Halle Berry.

When she got the good news, Sunjai was so excited that she ran to the front door to let Seloncé know the prom was a Go.  Except Seloncé couldn’t hear her from the outside.  And Sunjai couldn’t hear her from the inside.  Like on CSI: when they forget to turn on the microphone and two people just stare at each other through prison glass.

What?  Whatchoo say?  You what?  I don’t understand.

Mimi was all like “Call and text her or something.”  Rittany was all like “Don’t you know sign language?”  I was all like “How ’bout you just open the damn door?”

Lawd, those bitches crazy.

Finally, it was Showtime!  Or at least the day of the show.


Which meant that Mimi had to wake up Camryn.  Who’s a rather sound sleeper.

You ever try to pick up one of those 75 pound bags of Purina at Petco and all the kibbles go to one side of the bag and then you try to tip it and they all go to the other side and you end up knocking over a parakeet cage and letting two hamsters lose in the store?

Yeah.  It was like that.

Or like when you were little and you yanked on your Stretch Armstrong doll so much that his limbs didn’t snap back in place anymore and all you were left with was four feet of spineless rubber.

Yeah.  It was like that, too.  Zzzzzzzzzz.

As Mimi lay pinned underneath the dead weight of her unconscious daughter in the hallway, Seloncé was back home getting ready for her prom.

I mean, Sunjai’s prom…I think.  I dunno.  Honestly, I couldn’t tell who wanted to go to the dance more.

All that really mattered was that Baby Daddy JJ was back in the hizzle, capturing Kodak Moments of his Baby Girl.  Cuz a Daddy’s gotta do what a Daddy’s gotta do.

Well, that and the fact that Sunjai has a life-sized cardboard cut out of herself dressed like Tiana from Disney’s The Princess and the Frog just chilling up against her bedroom wall.

She does.

It was just like the C-3PO one they have in the Star Wars aisle at iParty, but with a tiara.  And it was awesome.  And I totally want one of me now.

But without the tiara.  Because Lord knows the last thing I need around the house is one more photo of me with a tiara, thank you.


Then finally, it was really Showtime!

Throughout the episode, Quincy had been looking pretty fly in his signature animal print shirt and Pee Wee Herman bow tie, but for the actual event he toned it down to more of a J.Crew at the Klub kind of thing.

Both teams kicked some buck, though I will never understand the scoring for anything on reality television.  This one was even more whacked than the Toddlers & Tiaras episode where they all dressed like pirates.  No idea how they chose a winner.

There was a Field Show.  And a Stand Battle.  And apparently some other stuff that I guess we didn’t get to see because there were a million Baby Dolls running in circles backstage.  And then the scores were all tallied and averaged and divided by the median age of Ohio grade schoolers minus the number of wigs that Tina owns (..told you it was coming…) and then blah to the blah…

And then hit ‘Total’…Dancing Dolls won!

Grand Champions.  Again.

Seven in a row, baby!

I felt bad for Quincy, who got another one of those sympathy hugs from Dianna that they give on Project Runway right before Tim Gunn makes you go clean out your workroom.

But Sunjai got her prom night memories.  The Dolls got their trophies.  And the Crabs got to see what it’s like playing with the Big Dawgs.

Oh, yeah.  The Dancing Dolls are back, y’all.



Bring It!: Hey, Girl…So You Wanna Be A Dancing Doll? Well, Take A Number. And Don’t Forget The Baked Goods.

Friday, July 25th, 2014




Dat’s rite, haters. Pat yo’ weaves and shake in your boots. Cuz Miss Seloncé is back, mmmkay?






You just whip that Brazilian Bundle and let me handle the rest. Mama’s got cupcakes in the car.







Seriously. That is freakin’ hilarious.







I really shouldn’t be eating all this pizza, cuz you know some Krazy will bring in snacks tomorrow.






I don’t know if it’s my Mama or my new pink headband, but something is giving me stress right now.






I’m just saying that I know you have tasty cupcakes in the trunk. And I can see your car from here.






I’m not naming any names, but some of these edges are hanging on like Titanic passengers.




Buck, yeah.

DD4L is B.A.C.K.!

Let’s be real.  Four months ago I didn’t know that the elite world of hip hop majorette competitions even existed.  Don’t get me wrong…I could probably sound it out and bluff my way through a Jeopardy question, but that’s about as far as I could go on the subject.

Flash forward four months and now I’m pretty much an expert.  Ask me anything.  I’m also fairly certain that I could audition and make it through Stand Battle cuts despite the fact that a silver fringed, one legged leotard isn’t really my best look.  Not my worst, thank you very much.  But not my best.

Which makes for a nice, albeit visually disturbing, segue into the return of Bring It!

Lifetime’s overnight sensation blockbuster was back this week with (…depending on who you ask…) the second part of their first season.  Or a brand new second season.  I’m not really sure.  Lifetime Televsion has a bad habit of turning one season into a first half, second half, mid-season, unseen footage, summer premiere kind of thing.  So I don’t really know what I just watched.

Just ask my Dance Moms friends.  They’re all coming back next week and I guarantee you that none of them will have a clue what episode # it is until they open their DVDs on Christmas morning.

But regardless, Dianna “Miss D” Williams and the Dancing Dolls are back!  With a vengeance.  And that’s all that matters.

The last time we saw Miss D and the Dolls, they had just lost out at the Battle Royale to their arch rivals the Divas of Olive Branch.

After hooching up the DOB’s routine earlier in the season (…Pinocchio Stank, anyone?…) Coach Neva McGruder had dialed down the Olive Branch’s Pepe le Puppet Pew a few notches at the Battle Royale and taken the top prize away from the Dolls.


Not cool.

So now Miss D was back with a new attitude.  And maybe even some new dancers on the team.  Because it was audition time:  Dancing Doll Tryouts!

As a stampede of wannabe Dolls lined the Dollhouse Dance Factory sidewalk and pushed the interior of the building way over Jackson Fire Code Occupancy Limits, Dianna and Captain Kayla laid out the plan for the two day Tryout Camp.  The Dolls had lost too many competitions last season, and now Dianna wanted more from every girl.  A lot more.

And you know she meant business, because anyone who has a scotch tape dispenser shaped like a red stiletto means business.  Clearly, when it comes to office supplies and Dancing Dolls, Miss D don’t play.

As Kayla and Dianna got the auditions rolling inside, all our favorite Mamas were outside still trying to peek through the cracks in the window blinds.

All my girls were back.  And they were all nervously pacing the perimeter of the building, because just like the New England Patriots and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, everyone has to audition for their spot on the team every year.  No positions are guaranteed, which meant that every one of their daughters had to Buck or Die all over again this season.

Neighborhood Watch Captain Mimi was as hyper as always, pinging off the walls like some Foxwoods pinball machine.  When Pixar comes out with the animated version of this show they can pretty much just use the same face she already has it’s so pliable.

Love her.

It’s Rittany Bitch was as tightly wound as the ten pounds of braid on her head.  If you squinted, she kind of looked like a Dairy Queen soft serve with all that tasty goodness wrapped around and around on the top of the cone.  We love her, too.

She don’t play, either, btw.


Tina was still rocking her signature red hair, but this version appeared to be attached a little more securely than the one she yanked off and slammed on the sidewalk that time she threw down with Seloncé.

And speaking of.  Phew.  Selena finally showed up.

After getting all up in Dianna’s grill at the Battle Royale, nobody was certain that Sunjai‘s Mama was going to return.  But she did.  And she made it clear that if her daughter didn’t make the team this time around, she would go crazy.  Which is kind of hysterically ironic, since she’s already crazy.

But it’s the good kind of crazy.  Not the Walmart-slam a shopping cart into the side of your car because you took my space-kind of crazy.  She’s definitely the good kind of crazy.

We love Seloncé and Tina, too, just to be clear.

This time around there was also a new Mama on the scene.  Angelisa.

She’s Tamia‘s Mama.  Tamia was around last season, but I’m not sure if they actually ever said her name out loud.  Somebody pointed out that Tamia was Camryn‘s main competition for the available Head Co-Captain position while Angelisa was wearing one of those heat-pressed photo tee shirts you can buy on the boardwalk at the booth next to the curly fry place.  That’s really all the important stuff.

Back inside, Dianna put everyone through the choreography they would be performing at their final audition.  It was pretty basic.  Some girls got it right away.  Some girls poked their own eyes out.  And one white girl made all of Twitter freeze up and go Wait…What?

I swear.  It happened.  And I can point that out without being judged, because I’m a white boy who has days when I’m almost a white girl.  So there.  You go, girl.

There were also a number of open positions available on the team.  Too many, actually.  I lost track after the first ten or twenty.  Captains.  Co-Captains.  Drill Masters.  Head Drill Masters.  So many chefs in the kitchen.  It didn’t help that Dianna whipped them all off so fast that I had to pause my DVR.


Then it was off to the pizza shack with Miss D and Mimi, because everyone knows that you can’t do a Reality TV show without a little nosh.

I think they were discussing their friendship and Dianna’s (…alleged…) favoritism towards Mimi, as well as the whole Tamia vs. Camryn thang, but I was so distracted by how fast the pizza came that I forgot to pay attention.

I mean, really.  I don’t know if it was bad editing or if their waiter was actually the Flash from DC Comics, but one minute they were both sitting there with nothing but two diet cokes and the next minute Dianna’s almost finished with her pizza.

Whoa.  Chew your food, girlfriend.

While Mimi and Miss D inhaled their pepperonis, we scooted over to Rittany’s house to watch her relive her golden years as an All-American Cheerleader.  F’realz.

Wearing THE best DD4L tee shirt they’ve shown yet (…”I Roll With Dat”…) Rittany busted out some football cheers for Crystianna that pretty much gave me life.  LIFE, hunty.  My girl clearly loves her dancing.  And her Michael’s craft store wall decals, because that living room had quotes and/or floral sumthin sumthins all over da hizzle.

And now I kinda want to live with them.

Day Two of Tryout Camp kicked off with some serious butt kissing as Angelisa showed up with a gigantic box of cupcakes for Dianna.  The fancy kind.  The box had fake gift wrap ribbons printed on the lid so you know she didn’t do drive-thru.  Dianna snatched them right outta her paws, but then pointed out that a purse or a couple bags of weave would have scored Angelisa more points.

And while we’re on the subject, can we just address the elephant in the room?

The shower caps?

I’ve always admitted to knowing nothing about weaves and extensions beyond what I learned on Bravo and VH1.  But even I know that you don’t wear a shower cap out in public, fercryinoutloud.  Unless, of course, you’re the one actually slamming those shopping carts into people’s cars over by the outdoor part of the store where they sell lawnmowers and light-up Santas.  Then you probably do wear shower caps.  And proudly.


So can we not send anymore hate mail every time I jokingly point out that someone is wearing a shower cap?  I know it’s not really a shower cap, people.  Gah.  If you really ended up on this site looking for anything even remotely accurate, you need to switch from Google to Bing asap.

Thank you for your attention to this important shower cap PSA.  Especially since someone was wearing a nice pink one at the auditions that caught my eye.

But before we actually hit those auditions and found out who made the final cuts, we had a momentary downer over at Mimi’s house when Camryn got a rejection letter from Power APAC…that Kids From Fame kinda place that she applied to last season.

It’s their loss, Peanut.  Screw them and their stupid school.  Plus, you already have a glossy full color poster with your name on it up on your wall.  Did anyone else see that?

Totes Jealz.

Finally, it was Tryout Time!  At The Tougaloo College Campus.  I have no clue where that is, but it’s fun to say.  I bet their Fight Song is a riot.

After Twitter unfroze for the second time in one night (…thank you, Miss D’s belly button…) the wannabe Dolls and original recipe Dolls all hit the court floor.  Camryn busted it out.  Crystianna struggled a little.  Sunjai did amaze balls, so it didn’t look like Seloncé would need to raise the Homeland Security Crazy Level to Orange or Red.

All in all, the group routines went well.

Side note:  I want one of those “Brought It” shirts that Mimi and Calvin were wearing.

And I’m a size Medium, fyi.

The solo tryouts were when the nail biting really began.

Crystianna started out like a rockstar, but then froze in the middle of her routine.  When they started to play that slow music they used to play on Toddlers & Tiaras when the little nuggets stopped dead mid-finger kiss, I knew it wasn’t a good sign.


She eventually recovered and wrecked the place, but I had a feeling it might have been too little too late.

Camryn started out with a slow, jazzy kind of swagger and then ended up going so fast that it blurred my HD screen.  You Betta Work B**ch.  And get yo’ Mama under control because she almost knocked Seloncé right outta her seat when she jumped up in the air during her Victory Pose.  That’s My Baby!!!!!!!

Did I forget to mention that Camryn also threw about 30 seconds of major shade at Tamia when she pointed out the key differences between executing proper ballet technique and just flicking your hair like you’re grinding on the hood of a Mustang in a music video?

Because she totally did that and it was awe-some.

Oh, snap.  Yeeeeeaaaah.  I think she gets it from her Mama.

Then it was Tamia’s turn to shine.  That girl can move.  And flick it.  My neck still hurts a little.  And then it all came down to Hair vs. Lyrical.  Experience vs. Potential.

And cupcakes vs. a Michael Kors bag.

Before Rittany flat lined and had to be carried out of the auditorium, Dianna announced the results.

All our girls made the Dancing Dolls team again this season.  No real surprise there.

Crystianna, despite her momentary blackout, made Drill Master.  Tamia and all her big hair made Head Co-Captain.  Camryn made regular Co-Captain, even though I still don’t know the difference.  But she’s young and has years to prove herself and explain the position to the rest of us.

Kayla is still Captain.  Miss D still don’t like colored lipstick.

And you still ain’t Nicki Minaj.

Yup.  Bring It! is back, y’all.



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