Posts Tagged ‘Bring It! Memphis TN’

Bring It!: Prom Is Da Bomb…Or Is It? What Is Sunjai Gonna Do When The Dancing Dolls All Head To Memphis?

Sunday, August 3rd, 2014




It was funny the first 647 times, but now I’m kinda right t’here with the Wendy’s Restaurant jokes.






Somebody help me hold this door shut! She’s trynna get in the building again!







So you’re telling me the hair ain’t yours, but the boobs are real? Well I had that all backwards.






Lawd help me. This is like carrying an IKEA bean bag chair up four flights of stairs in high heels.






Girl…Wendy better shut that thing before someone pulls up and starts ordering drive-thru.






I know, baby girl. I’m sorry. Mama had no idea she was talking to the wrong Sunjai Disney Princess for the last two years.






AwHellNah. She got her own damn cardboard cut-out? And didn’t we just agree no more Wendy’s jokes?




Bring It! is back.

Which means that the Dancing Dolls are back, y’all.

Tryouts are over.  The Teams are in place.  And the weaves are looking tight and right.

Captains, Head Co-Captains, Co-Captains, Drill Masters, Butt Kissing Cupcake Bakers and that one little cutie patootie Baby Doll who always screams when she gets excited are all ready to go for another round of Hip Hop Majorette Competitions.

And with so much at stake this season, Dianna Williams wasn’t wasting anytime getting right down to bidnezz as the girls all piled into the Dollhouse for the 411.

This week the Team was headed back to Memphis, TN for the Bay Area Battle.  A big dealio of a competition being held in what is clearly the Hub of the Universe for Stand Battles.  Because they sure go to Memphis a lot.

So much so that the bus driver doesn’t even bother plugging in his GPS anymore, which is probably a good thing because that means it leaves the cigarette lighter open for Mimi to charge her Brookstone coffee mug heater.  And you know that hyper bitch gotta be looped up on Starbucks 24/7.  She gotta be.  It’s the only explanation I have for her…enthusiasm.

We love Mimi.  Love her Venti.  Which is even more than Grande.

At this week’s competition, the Dolls would be going head to head against the Dancing Cloverlearfs, the Divas of Distinction, the Prancing Tigerettes and the Girls Who Still Refuse To Admit That Justin Bieber Is a Douchebag.


They were also going up against some random new team that I think Dianna said was called Diva Time.  I’m not positive, because sometimes she talks too fast and I couldn’t reach my remote to rewind.  But I’m going with Diva Time anyway, because like I always say…any time is a good time for Diva Time, a’ight?

And you can cross-stitch that shizz on a pillow if you want, bitch.  Werk.

Miss D explained that this week’s showdown was going to be especially special, which already didn’t make any sense since I don’t think you can get any special-er than straight up special.  Extra-special, maybe.  Or a 2-for-1 special, like at Cheesecake Factory.  But I don’t think especially special is even a real category.

Regardless, what she was trying to point out was that the Dolls would be entering into a rematch with the Prancing Tigerettes, who they had not seen since the Battle Royale.

Where they beat them.  Beat them so hard that Coach Quincy Oliver‘s Verizon earpiece popped out, fell on the floor and almost got swallowed up by one of those random audience babies you always see crawling around center court during Awards.

So it was on.

The Dancing Dolls had won the Bay Area Battle Grand Champ title for the last 6 years, so losing out on #7 wasn’t really going to be an option.

Part of the Dancing Dolls strength is in their numbers.  Eighty-Five or so strong.  And I don’t know about you, but if I saw 85 girls in fringed spandex coming at me in a parking lot I’d move out da way mighty fast.  So Dianna felt good about their chances this week, but everyone still needed to be on their game.  Even the new girls on the Team.


Who, we found out, were called Crabs.

Not the ointment kind, though.  The ocean kind.  The crabs who crab-walk their way up to the top of the barrel from the bottom.  Dianna was talking metaphorically, not medically, which I’m sure was a relief to anyone who has ever ridden to a competition in tight quarters on a hot Greyhound bus before.

Dianna had made the decision to toss some of the good kind of crabs into the Stand Battle this week, which made Kayla get all like Hold Up Hold Up She Gonna What? as they got to choreographing the routines.  Stay tuned on that one.

Outside, the Moms were on the sidewalk doing what they do best:  getting sassy and making their Bucket List for the new season.

It’s Rittany Bitch wanted Crystianna to continue building her self confidence and continuing coming out of her shell even more this year.  Mimi wanted Camryn to put some mo’ thug in it, like Kayla.  Cuz Kayla’s got thug in her, yo.  She also has some of the best WTF? faces on the show.  F’realz.  Check ‘em out.

My girl Seloncé wanted her baby Sunjai to finally make cuts for the Stand Battle and Tina wanted me to go one week without a wig joke, which isn’t gonna happen.

Love them all.

Back inside, rehearsals were kind of all over the place.  Dianna was busting out some of her classic one liners (…”You scared? Got to church and pray!”…) as the Team tried to figure out the fastest way to mash old and new girls into one cohesive unit.


As we noted last week, the producers kept cutting to shots of that one lone white girl so often that I felt they were stockpiling CNN visuals in case she ran away later in the season.  And again, as we noted last week, I’m allowed to say that without everyone spamming my email because I’m a white boy who sometimes screams like a white girl who also watches CNN every morning while I’m having breakfast.

The Twitterverse noticed it too, but not as vocally as the first episode.  Since I still haven’t gotten up the nerve to buck in front of Miss D, I really like that girl’s spunk.

After a snooze and some more rehearsing, it was the night before competition.  A good time to fine tune any issues with the routines, but probably not the best time for Sunjai to decide that she wanted to go to her prom instead of the Bay Area Battle.

I’m going to assume that she made that decision a few days earlier, since she already had a dress hanging on the back of her bedroom door back home, but it had taken her until now to get up the nerve to let Dianna know she would be MIA this weekend.

After a supportive shove from her besties, Sunjai approached Miss D’s desk and let her know that even though she was 432% committed to the Dolls, she would be going to her once in a lifetime prom instead of the competition this weekend.

Side note:  Why is there always one crutch leaning up against the back wall behind Dianna’s head?  I never see any girl wearing a cast or hopping around the joint with only one leg.  It doesn’t bother me as much as trying to figure out how anyone is supposed to get up into that door that’s 3 feet off the ground with no stairs (…anyone else ever see that door back there besides me?…) but I still make a KaylaFace every time Dianna sits down.


After pretending that she was going to lose her marbles, Dianna psyched out Sunjai and happily let her go to the prom.  From the first episode Miss D has always said that she wants her girls to experience all the things in life that she did not get to experience.

Including prom.  Wait.  What?  She didn’t go to her prom?

Right about now was when Dianna noted that years ago her own Mama ran her prom date away, thus ruining any chance she had of dancing to Stairway to Heaven.

Miss D should know by now that if she only lets little snippets like that leak out in conversation and doesn’t give her audience the full story, then people like me will just go ahead and make s*** up to fill in the blank spots.  Which I did.  And now I have a really good made up prom story in my head that I might share with you all at a later date.

Or turn into a Lifetime Movie with Halle Berry.

When she got the good news, Sunjai was so excited that she ran to the front door to let Seloncé know the prom was a Go.  Except Seloncé couldn’t hear her from the outside.  And Sunjai couldn’t hear her from the inside.  Like on CSI: when they forget to turn on the microphone and two people just stare at each other through prison glass.

What?  Whatchoo say?  You what?  I don’t understand.

Mimi was all like “Call and text her or something.”  Rittany was all like “Don’t you know sign language?”  I was all like “How ’bout you just open the damn door?”

Lawd, those bitches crazy.

Finally, it was Showtime!  Or at least the day of the show.


Which meant that Mimi had to wake up Camryn.  Who’s a rather sound sleeper.

You ever try to pick up one of those 75 pound bags of Purina at Petco and all the kibbles go to one side of the bag and then you try to tip it and they all go to the other side and you end up knocking over a parakeet cage and letting two hamsters lose in the store?

Yeah.  It was like that.

Or like when you were little and you yanked on your Stretch Armstrong doll so much that his limbs didn’t snap back in place anymore and all you were left with was four feet of spineless rubber.

Yeah.  It was like that, too.  Zzzzzzzzzz.

As Mimi lay pinned underneath the dead weight of her unconscious daughter in the hallway, Seloncé was back home getting ready for her prom.

I mean, Sunjai’s prom…I think.  I dunno.  Honestly, I couldn’t tell who wanted to go to the dance more.

All that really mattered was that Baby Daddy JJ was back in the hizzle, capturing Kodak Moments of his Baby Girl.  Cuz a Daddy’s gotta do what a Daddy’s gotta do.

Well, that and the fact that Sunjai has a life-sized cardboard cut out of herself dressed like Tiana from Disney’s The Princess and the Frog just chilling up against her bedroom wall.

She does.

It was just like the C-3PO one they have in the Star Wars aisle at iParty, but with a tiara.  And it was awesome.  And I totally want one of me now.

But without the tiara.  Because Lord knows the last thing I need around the house is one more photo of me with a tiara, thank you.


Then finally, it was really Showtime!

Throughout the episode, Quincy had been looking pretty fly in his signature animal print shirt and Pee Wee Herman bow tie, but for the actual event he toned it down to more of a J.Crew at the Klub kind of thing.

Both teams kicked some buck, though I will never understand the scoring for anything on reality television.  This one was even more whacked than the Toddlers & Tiaras episode where they all dressed like pirates.  No idea how they chose a winner.

There was a Field Show.  And a Stand Battle.  And apparently some other stuff that I guess we didn’t get to see because there were a million Baby Dolls running in circles backstage.  And then the scores were all tallied and averaged and divided by the median age of Ohio grade schoolers minus the number of wigs that Tina owns (..told you it was coming…) and then blah to the blah…

And then hit ‘Total’…Dancing Dolls won!

Grand Champions.  Again.

Seven in a row, baby!

I felt bad for Quincy, who got another one of those sympathy hugs from Dianna that they give on Project Runway right before Tim Gunn makes you go clean out your workroom.

But Sunjai got her prom night memories.  The Dolls got their trophies.  And the Crabs got to see what it’s like playing with the Big Dawgs.

Oh, yeah.  The Dancing Dolls are back, y’all.



Bring It!: Hey, Girl…So You Wanna Be A Dancing Doll? Well, Take A Number. And Don’t Forget The Baked Goods.

Friday, July 25th, 2014




Dat’s rite, haters. Pat yo’ weaves and shake in your boots. Cuz Miss Seloncé is back, mmmkay?






You just whip that Brazilian Bundle and let me handle the rest. Mama’s got cupcakes in the car.







Seriously. That is freakin’ hilarious.







I really shouldn’t be eating all this pizza, cuz you know some Krazy will bring in snacks tomorrow.






I don’t know if it’s my Mama or my new pink headband, but something is giving me stress right now.






I’m just saying that I know you have tasty cupcakes in the trunk. And I can see your car from here.






I’m not naming any names, but some of these edges are hanging on like Titanic passengers.




Buck, yeah.

DD4L is B.A.C.K.!

Let’s be real.  Four months ago I didn’t know that the elite world of hip hop majorette competitions even existed.  Don’t get me wrong…I could probably sound it out and bluff my way through a Jeopardy question, but that’s about as far as I could go on the subject.

Flash forward four months and now I’m pretty much an expert.  Ask me anything.  I’m also fairly certain that I could audition and make it through Stand Battle cuts despite the fact that a silver fringed, one legged leotard isn’t really my best look.  Not my worst, thank you very much.  But not my best.

Which makes for a nice, albeit visually disturbing, segue into the return of Bring It!

Lifetime’s overnight sensation blockbuster was back this week with (…depending on who you ask…) the second part of their first season.  Or a brand new second season.  I’m not really sure.  Lifetime Televsion has a bad habit of turning one season into a first half, second half, mid-season, unseen footage, summer premiere kind of thing.  So I don’t really know what I just watched.

Just ask my Dance Moms friends.  They’re all coming back next week and I guarantee you that none of them will have a clue what episode # it is until they open their DVDs on Christmas morning.

But regardless, Dianna “Miss D” Williams and the Dancing Dolls are back!  With a vengeance.  And that’s all that matters.

The last time we saw Miss D and the Dolls, they had just lost out at the Battle Royale to their arch rivals the Divas of Olive Branch.

After hooching up the DOB’s routine earlier in the season (…Pinocchio Stank, anyone?…) Coach Neva McGruder had dialed down the Olive Branch’s Pepe le Puppet Pew a few notches at the Battle Royale and taken the top prize away from the Dolls.


Not cool.

So now Miss D was back with a new attitude.  And maybe even some new dancers on the team.  Because it was audition time:  Dancing Doll Tryouts!

As a stampede of wannabe Dolls lined the Dollhouse Dance Factory sidewalk and pushed the interior of the building way over Jackson Fire Code Occupancy Limits, Dianna and Captain Kayla laid out the plan for the two day Tryout Camp.  The Dolls had lost too many competitions last season, and now Dianna wanted more from every girl.  A lot more.

And you know she meant business, because anyone who has a scotch tape dispenser shaped like a red stiletto means business.  Clearly, when it comes to office supplies and Dancing Dolls, Miss D don’t play.

As Kayla and Dianna got the auditions rolling inside, all our favorite Mamas were outside still trying to peek through the cracks in the window blinds.

All my girls were back.  And they were all nervously pacing the perimeter of the building, because just like the New England Patriots and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, everyone has to audition for their spot on the team every year.  No positions are guaranteed, which meant that every one of their daughters had to Buck or Die all over again this season.

Neighborhood Watch Captain Mimi was as hyper as always, pinging off the walls like some Foxwoods pinball machine.  When Pixar comes out with the animated version of this show they can pretty much just use the same face she already has it’s so pliable.

Love her.

It’s Rittany Bitch was as tightly wound as the ten pounds of braid on her head.  If you squinted, she kind of looked like a Dairy Queen soft serve with all that tasty goodness wrapped around and around on the top of the cone.  We love her, too.

She don’t play, either, btw.


Tina was still rocking her signature red hair, but this version appeared to be attached a little more securely than the one she yanked off and slammed on the sidewalk that time she threw down with Seloncé.

And speaking of.  Phew.  Selena finally showed up.

After getting all up in Dianna’s grill at the Battle Royale, nobody was certain that Sunjai‘s Mama was going to return.  But she did.  And she made it clear that if her daughter didn’t make the team this time around, she would go crazy.  Which is kind of hysterically ironic, since she’s already crazy.

But it’s the good kind of crazy.  Not the Walmart-slam a shopping cart into the side of your car because you took my space-kind of crazy.  She’s definitely the good kind of crazy.

We love Seloncé and Tina, too, just to be clear.

This time around there was also a new Mama on the scene.  Angelisa.

She’s Tamia‘s Mama.  Tamia was around last season, but I’m not sure if they actually ever said her name out loud.  Somebody pointed out that Tamia was Camryn‘s main competition for the available Head Co-Captain position while Angelisa was wearing one of those heat-pressed photo tee shirts you can buy on the boardwalk at the booth next to the curly fry place.  That’s really all the important stuff.

Back inside, Dianna put everyone through the choreography they would be performing at their final audition.  It was pretty basic.  Some girls got it right away.  Some girls poked their own eyes out.  And one white girl made all of Twitter freeze up and go Wait…What?

I swear.  It happened.  And I can point that out without being judged, because I’m a white boy who has days when I’m almost a white girl.  So there.  You go, girl.

There were also a number of open positions available on the team.  Too many, actually.  I lost track after the first ten or twenty.  Captains.  Co-Captains.  Drill Masters.  Head Drill Masters.  So many chefs in the kitchen.  It didn’t help that Dianna whipped them all off so fast that I had to pause my DVR.


Then it was off to the pizza shack with Miss D and Mimi, because everyone knows that you can’t do a Reality TV show without a little nosh.

I think they were discussing their friendship and Dianna’s (…alleged…) favoritism towards Mimi, as well as the whole Tamia vs. Camryn thang, but I was so distracted by how fast the pizza came that I forgot to pay attention.

I mean, really.  I don’t know if it was bad editing or if their waiter was actually the Flash from DC Comics, but one minute they were both sitting there with nothing but two diet cokes and the next minute Dianna’s almost finished with her pizza.

Whoa.  Chew your food, girlfriend.

While Mimi and Miss D inhaled their pepperonis, we scooted over to Rittany’s house to watch her relive her golden years as an All-American Cheerleader.  F’realz.

Wearing THE best DD4L tee shirt they’ve shown yet (…”I Roll With Dat”…) Rittany busted out some football cheers for Crystianna that pretty much gave me life.  LIFE, hunty.  My girl clearly loves her dancing.  And her Michael’s craft store wall decals, because that living room had quotes and/or floral sumthin sumthins all over da hizzle.

And now I kinda want to live with them.

Day Two of Tryout Camp kicked off with some serious butt kissing as Angelisa showed up with a gigantic box of cupcakes for Dianna.  The fancy kind.  The box had fake gift wrap ribbons printed on the lid so you know she didn’t do drive-thru.  Dianna snatched them right outta her paws, but then pointed out that a purse or a couple bags of weave would have scored Angelisa more points.

And while we’re on the subject, can we just address the elephant in the room?

The shower caps?

I’ve always admitted to knowing nothing about weaves and extensions beyond what I learned on Bravo and VH1.  But even I know that you don’t wear a shower cap out in public, fercryinoutloud.  Unless, of course, you’re the one actually slamming those shopping carts into people’s cars over by the outdoor part of the store where they sell lawnmowers and light-up Santas.  Then you probably do wear shower caps.  And proudly.


So can we not send anymore hate mail every time I jokingly point out that someone is wearing a shower cap?  I know it’s not really a shower cap, people.  Gah.  If you really ended up on this site looking for anything even remotely accurate, you need to switch from Google to Bing asap.

Thank you for your attention to this important shower cap PSA.  Especially since someone was wearing a nice pink one at the auditions that caught my eye.

But before we actually hit those auditions and found out who made the final cuts, we had a momentary downer over at Mimi’s house when Camryn got a rejection letter from Power APAC…that Kids From Fame kinda place that she applied to last season.

It’s their loss, Peanut.  Screw them and their stupid school.  Plus, you already have a glossy full color poster with your name on it up on your wall.  Did anyone else see that?

Totes Jealz.

Finally, it was Tryout Time!  At The Tougaloo College Campus.  I have no clue where that is, but it’s fun to say.  I bet their Fight Song is a riot.

After Twitter unfroze for the second time in one night (…thank you, Miss D’s belly button…) the wannabe Dolls and original recipe Dolls all hit the court floor.  Camryn busted it out.  Crystianna struggled a little.  Sunjai did amaze balls, so it didn’t look like Seloncé would need to raise the Homeland Security Crazy Level to Orange or Red.

All in all, the group routines went well.

Side note:  I want one of those “Brought It” shirts that Mimi and Calvin were wearing.

And I’m a size Medium, fyi.

The solo tryouts were when the nail biting really began.

Crystianna started out like a rockstar, but then froze in the middle of her routine.  When they started to play that slow music they used to play on Toddlers & Tiaras when the little nuggets stopped dead mid-finger kiss, I knew it wasn’t a good sign.


She eventually recovered and wrecked the place, but I had a feeling it might have been too little too late.

Camryn started out with a slow, jazzy kind of swagger and then ended up going so fast that it blurred my HD screen.  You Betta Work B**ch.  And get yo’ Mama under control because she almost knocked Seloncé right outta her seat when she jumped up in the air during her Victory Pose.  That’s My Baby!!!!!!!

Did I forget to mention that Camryn also threw about 30 seconds of major shade at Tamia when she pointed out the key differences between executing proper ballet technique and just flicking your hair like you’re grinding on the hood of a Mustang in a music video?

Because she totally did that and it was awe-some.

Oh, snap.  Yeeeeeaaaah.  I think she gets it from her Mama.

Then it was Tamia’s turn to shine.  That girl can move.  And flick it.  My neck still hurts a little.  And then it all came down to Hair vs. Lyrical.  Experience vs. Potential.

And cupcakes vs. a Michael Kors bag.

Before Rittany flat lined and had to be carried out of the auditorium, Dianna announced the results.

All our girls made the Dancing Dolls team again this season.  No real surprise there.

Crystianna, despite her momentary blackout, made Drill Master.  Tamia and all her big hair made Head Co-Captain.  Camryn made regular Co-Captain, even though I still don’t know the difference.  But she’s young and has years to prove herself and explain the position to the rest of us.

Kayla is still Captain.  Miss D still don’t like colored lipstick.

And you still ain’t Nicki Minaj.

Yup.  Bring It! is back, y’all.



Bring It!: Locked In And Turnt Up. It’s The Dolls Vs. The Dollz In A Memphis Bucking Burlesque Showdown.

Saturday, April 26th, 2014





All the crazy ladies. Put your hands up.






She’s totally two gurlz short of a Destiny’s Child Reunion, but dang that bitch is fine.






Somedays I just wanna lock ALL the crazy ones in the building and go buy stuff at the mall.






This is the most ratchet Disneyland vacation evah. They’re even gettin’ cheap with the hats.






I dunno whether Miss D said to put some stank on it or some steak on it. But I like ‘em both.






Dat’s rite. Whip that around. Mama like.







Memphis just lucky I didn’t wanna mess up my new hair or it woulda been Black Friday at Walmart.





If you don’t love Bring It! I’m not sure we can be friends anymore.

I mean, c’mon.

Sure, it’s crazy.  Everything about it is.  But it’s the good kind.

From the Moms (…and Dads!…) to their whacky hair and whacky fashion choices to the even whackier way they talk and scream and giggle all over the sidewalks of Jackson.

Cray.  Zee. To the umpteenth power of Cray.

But deep down there is still a strong message about working hard and loving your family and supporting your kids in whatever dream they dare to dream.  There’s even a ton of hip hop dancing that is waaay harder than anything I’ve ever busted out at the clubs.

(Not that I couldn’t, of course.  I just hate showing off…)

Heck, I’m even learning how to paint toxic glitter swirlies directly onto my own eyeballs without going legally blind.  It’s not as easy as it looks.

So, yeah.  Bring It!  We like it.

This week, the Dancing Dolls were headed back to Memphis, Tennessee.  Again.

Since I pride myself on only blogging about subjects that I know absolutely nothing about, I have no idea why they keep going back to Memphis.  They just do.

And now they’re going again.

After having lost out to the Purple Diamonds at the most recent competition, it was important to Coach Dianna Williams that everyone hit the ground running.

That meant bigger Stands, more elaborate choreography and working through the trauma of having just witnessed your rivals spank their own jiggly purple bodonkadonks in a show of both poor sportsmanship and clear love for fast food.


‘Member dat?  Dat s*** nasty.  The Purple Diamonds turned and spanked themselves all up in the Dolls’ faces as they snatched the trophy.  I’m having trouble getting that visual out of my brain when I go to bed every night and I only saw their junk on a TV screen.

I call it PDPTSD.  When you figure it out, it’s inappropriately hilarious.

This week the Dolls would be competing at the Bucking Burlesque (…with a ‘B‘…) Competition and be facing off against the Dancing Cloverleafs, the Prancing Tigerettes, the Rockettes (…probably not the New York ones…) the Sparkling Jewels, the Dynamic Diamond Dollz (…with a ‘Z‘ like Liza…) and the Girls Who Would OMG Literally Die If They Ever Met One Direction.

The Dolls would be performing in the Stand Battle and Burlesque categories, which would put them head to head against their other closest rivals the Diamond Dollz.

Miss D was concerned about over-sexualizing the Burlesque routine.  The Dolls are all still just school age girls, remember, so we’d like to keep it that way a little longer.

Honestly, after six seasons of Toddlers & Tiaras nothing really phases me anymore, but I totally get where she was going with it.  Once you’ve seen a 3 year old booty pop to a Shirley Temple song it takes a lot to make me look up from my snack tray.

As the Dolls got to rehearsing inside, the Mamas were all outside doing what they do best.

Seloncé got the party started by declaring that the Team needed to win this weekend because they didn’t need any more ‘looses’…as opposed to ‘losses’…which has more ‘Ss’ and less ‘Os’ in the word.

Oh, Selena.  You just stay cute.

Right about now was when the Mamas lost their marbles.

It’s Rittany Bitch, who was balancing about 3 feet of new braids on top of her head, almost untied them all she was laughing so hard.  My girl Tina actually did knock her wig off, because she was standing their in kinda sorta her own hair for the first time ever.

Except that a few weeks ago, if you’ll recall, when she snatched her own weave during some drama with Seloncé she only had fuzzy Kool-Aid hair up under there.  And now it was long.  Still as neon red as that Play-Doh you’re not supposed to put in your mouth.


But really long now.

So I’m thinking…you know.

And then there was Mimi.  Everyone’s favorite Neighborhood Watch-er was bouncing around like a tennis ball in a dryer, which made these two gigantic pom poms on her knit hat wobble back and forth like she was Mickey Mouse having some kind of a stroke.

I’m not really sure if the hat was supposed to look like a bootleg Disney gift shop item, or if it was the Real Deal, or if Mimi even knew there were two pom poms boinking around on her head.

But it didn’t matter.  Love her.  Love them all.  Don’t make me choose.  That would be like picking one of my kids.

Back inside, the Dolls (…with an ‘S‘…) were still working on the Burlesque choreography.  It was new.  And different.  And required about 72 girls all on the floor at the same time, so needless to say a few of them were having some fender benders in all that traffic.

When they finally made the switch to rehearsing the new Stand specifically created for the Dollz (…with a ‘Z‘…) it was getting late and it just wasn’t happening.


Wait.  What?  It’s like a sleepover.  If they have sleepovers in Hell, that is.

Dianna announced that the Team was being locked inside the Dollhouse for the night and would rehearse until paramedics discovered their bodies in the morning if that’s how long it took to nail down these routines.

Bitch was getting Krunk.

The Mamas took the Lock-In news fairly well, except for Mimi.  Aw.  Hell.  Naw.  Her Mickey ears were flapping so hard that the International Space Station probably picked it up as code for some kind of international disturbance.

Gurrrrrl, pleez.  Chillax.


The Moms were sent home to retrieve sleeping bags and shower caps, so naturally Seloncé returned with enough shizz to get Sunjai through her Freshman year at college.  The 45 pound Poland Springs water jug was a nice touch and would certainly have come in handy during the Lock-In if Sunjai had remembered to pack a 100 pound office water cooler base unit and industrial extension cord in her dance bag that morning.

Really, Seloncé?  Lawd.  Or Lort.  You choose.

Not to be outdone, Rittany showed up with one of those ribbed inflatable air mattress/pool floaty things that always remind me of giant Oscar Mayer wiener packages.

After every Mama emptied out their daughter’s bedroom and shoved it through the door of the Dollhouse, the girls went back to practicing until they couldn’t practice anymore.  Then it was time to hit the wieners and call it a night.

The next morning we got to see what happens to your hair when you sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor of a dance studio all night.

But it’s all good. Trust me, I’m not taking selfies when I wake up on the floor either.

At least that one girl brushed her teeth, right?

(Relax.  That’s a joke.  They all did.  It’s only a one hour show.  You do the math.)

 With only one day before competition, the Stand cuts took place and poor Sunjai got cut.


But she was Coolio wid it and even stayed with the Team to continue learning the moves on her own.  Dianna was really impressed that Sunjai stuck around, even though there was clearly no way for her to get out anyway since the doors were still locked.

Outside, the Mamas returned to check up on progress after the Lock-In.

Their girls were looking good.  And so was Seloncé, who took full advantage of the Dance Factory‘s free overnight babysitting service and spent the entire Sunjai-free day whipping herself into a Day Spa frenzy.

Facial:  Check!  Mani:  Check!  Pedi:  Check!  You Just Stay Cute:  Check!

Finally, it was Showtime.


Two shows, actually, if you count Selonceé in her full-on Salute to Burlesque ensemble.  Mama was representing her baby girl by working a pair of long black All That Jazz gloves, a flower in hair and a bustier that kept popping open.

John Connor, Coach for the Dynamic Diamond Dollz, arrived in his white polo and khakis, looking exactly like one of the sales guys who works at whatever store it is where they all wear white polos and khakis.  I forget.

I know it’s not Target, because they have red polos.  And Best Buy has blue polos.  And a place up in Maine has yellow ones with a lobster wearing a raincoat on it.

Whatever.  He looked like he works at the White Polo Store.

Jamar, the Host of this shindig, was another Boyz II Men look-a-like who held out the last syllable of every team like the guy used to do on Toddlers & Tiaras.

In our Burlesque Outfit of Choice:  The Dancing Doooollllllllllls and MaKenzzzziiiiiiieeeee.

(That’s two T&T flashbacks, if you’re keeping track.)

The Dollz (…with a ‘Z‘…) hit the floor first for Burlesque.  There were only five of them dancing around and one was holding a Ben and Jerry‘s ice cream cone that later turned out to just be a toy microphone.  I guess she was channeling Christina Aguilera or something.  It was screwy.

By the time all 72 Dolls (…with an ‘S‘…) stormed the spotlight, nobody even remembered the other routine.  They killed it.  There was even a part where they were all on the floor in a circle and then one by one they all rolled and whipped their hair like synchronized swimmers would do if their pool caps popped off during a Vegas casino show.

It was Miss D’s favorite part and it kind of made her get all jiggly like you do when the steakhouse waitress brings over your meal and tells you that they upgraded it to a better cut of beef for free because they dropped your first order on the kitchen floor.

The Stand Battle is where it got Buck(ing) Wild.

The Dynamic Diamond Dollz came out with a handful of those generic Barbies they sell at the Dollar Store and proceeded to pop off all the heads like they were killing real the real Dolls.  One by one by one by one.


Except that, according to their track jackets, they’re also real Dollz themselves.  Just with a different last letter on the embroidery.  So it didn’t really make much sense if you thought about it for too long.

The second Dynamic Diamond Dollz Stand was equally as much of a head scratcher.  Or more of an eye scratcher and hair puller, if you really want to get technical.

They do like their props.  And this time it was some kind of a staged girl fight where they all ended up dancing with straggly pieces of weaves and clumps of white fabric that looked like diapers all over the floor.  Not sure what that was all about.

But whatever it was, it must have inspired some dude in the audience, because all of the sudden a real fight broke out.

I swear.  I never left the room.  I never changed channels.  I was looking directly at my television.  But I still have no idea what happened.

Or how it happened.  Or who started it.  Or what it was about.

Or why that one Dollz (…with a ‘Z‘…) chick in the blue pants just stood there with her back to all the dramzzz (…with 3 ‘Zs‘…) the entire time.

F’realz.  She never moved.  Go check your DVR.  Even when Tina and Dianna and Mimi all pressed themselves together like a sandwich and got their freak on, this little chick was just standing their like she was waiting for the 39 bus.

Needless to say, Jamar called off the event and sent everyone home.

It was bad for the Dolls.  But probably worse for the Tennessee Department of Tourism, because I swear every time someone goes to Memphis they get rolled in a parking lot.

I’ll pass, thank you.

Kayla rose to the occasion and corralled all the Dolls into a back room to catch their breath.  Kayla to the rescue.

As always, Dianna turned yet another mess in Memphis into a Teaching Moment about facing adversity and accepting challenges.  Her girls are better than this.  Way better.

Locked-In or Turnt Up.

They’re the Dancing Dolls.



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