Posts Tagged ‘Broadway Baby’

Dance Moms Mama Drama: Oh No She Din’t! Abby Lee Miller Just Quit! Here’s The Scoop…And Some Made Up Stuff.

Friday, March 31st, 2017


So, umm…yeah.

About that whole Dance Moms thing.

It started out as a pretty slow news day at the ALDCA, all things considered.

Until, well…you know.Bet you didn’t see that coming.
She did it.  Miss Abby did it.

Abby Lee Miller quit Dance Moms.I know, right?Take your time.

This whole thing pretty much caught everybody off guard.

Even (…SPOILER ALERT!…) this lady.It’s true.

After six years, seven seasons and however many days it all adds up to…Abby quit.

In full-on all up in yo’ face all over yo’ Instagram #AbbyStyle.

And on the weekend, too.  Just like the White House does all their stuff lately.

Trust me.  It was straight-up online Crazy Pants.

But to fully understand the impact of all these shenanigans, we need to start at the beginning.

Which was really the middle and kinda sorta the end.  With me so far?

The Dance Moms Dirt, yo.

Please do enjoy this recap of all the deets that have been made public up to this point.

There is plenty of Canton Jerky to gnaw on so far and anything we don’t know I’ll just make up to keep things flowing.  Because that’s how we do.

Word on the street is that the whole thing started to crumble when all the Moms regrouped to begin filming Season 7.5 or 7B (…which totally sounds like that upstairs apartment in a sitcom where the whacky neighbor lives…) or whatever it is they call the next bunch of episodes that haven’t aired yet.

Abby was MIA. Again.I mean, it’s not like that hasn’t happened before.  But, still.

Needless to say, after six years, seven seasons and blah blah blah…the Moms were getting a little tired of all the no-shows and had apparently been scouting out new locations where the girls could continue to rehearse and compete.  Locations that might give the girls a more positive environment to learn and grow and pig pile on top of each other like the last day of Spring Break.

Like maybe this place that Chloe cryptically posted on her IG account, which immediately caused two thirds of the country’s youth to stop doing their homework and start texting crying emojis way past their bedtime.  OMG + 20 Yellow Smiley Faces with tears pouring down.

Because, remember…Chloe.

Yup.  Looks like Chloe was really back.

Side note:  #CyberSpiritAnimal…

But wassup wid dat 8 Count Dance Academy?

Was it rehearsal space?  Did the team really…finally…jump ship off the SS ALDC?  And where was little Brynn?  Look at this niblet.

We love Brynn, even though her Mom stopped following me on Twitter.

Full Disclosure: I got a feeling Ashlee‘s probably not gonna re-follow me by the time I’m finished with this update, so if anyone would like to fill her spot there’s an #EmptyChair with your name on it.

Eventually, photos started creeping up online showing Brynn surrounded by all kinds of little ALDC Minis, which totally made her look like Dorothy when she first landed in Oz.

Am I right?  And you thought Brynn was tiny.

Was Brynn their mentor?  Was the team fractured?  What was even happening right now?

Lots, apparently.

Abby eventually showed up again with an (…alleged…) list of things that the gang could and could not discuss, which in Dance Moms Reverse Psychology meant Go Directly To Your Social Media.

It started getting a little uncomfortable.

But just a little.  The good stuff was still to come.  At the end of the long Road to Nationals.

Yeah.  What she said.

True Fact:  If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years of network television (watching) it’s this:

NEVER skimp on the lighting.  Or the fabric on your daughter’s costume.

Just don’t.

But they did.

And it didn’t end well at all.

Anyone remember #FanDanceGate?  Who burned those reels?  They’re not even on Netflix.

Turns out that Abby (…or was it?…) wanted the girls to wear some provocative costumes at Nationals to give them an edge against the competition, which…let’s be honest…has been an ongoing issue at her studio since that first episode way back in 2011.

The routine was going to be a Bob Fosse-ish thingamajig which I guess Abby (…or not…) felt needed grown-up attire consisting of bras, panties and a straddle chair, which in turn opened up pretty heated discussions on what is the proper age for your daughter to be on national television in her undergarments.

Advance Disclaimer:  Take it to the chat rooms, people.  Not the comment section.

This argument has gone on since Day One in the Dance World and while it’s true that the girls are way older than they were during the #FanDanceGate Fiasco, some Moms were still not comfortable with the costuming concept.

Look at how little Mackenzie was back then.  She looks like a toilet paper cozy.

Which reminds me that while all this drama was going on, former DM Break-Out Star Maddie was in Dubai riding a camel and that it’s someone’s actual job in Dubai to crochet camel nose cozies.You can probably Google how to make both the Mackenzie and the camel nose version if you want.

And she’s Maddie and you’re not.

Merchandising Memo:  Did you know that in lieu of cozies, Walgreen’s sells Maddie and Mackenzie dolls?  Because they do.  And both dolls come with a dance bag and legs that look like they’ll snap off as soon as you take them out of the plastic clamshell.  My girl Rachelle Rak will tell you those ain’t Broadway dancer gams.  No, ma’am.

Look!  Here’s Maddie and Mackenzie at Pure Barre.And the Teletubbies at Pure Barre.And Christi and Kelly at The Barre.How much do we love those two together?  Hashtag:  Goals.

And now I forgot what we were talking about.

Oh.  Yeah.  This.And this.  

And this bootleg shot of the actual 2017 dance, which someone apparently shot through the bottom of an aquarium.  Which I don’t understand since photos sent back from the Mars LandRover are clearer than some kid’s iPhone in the 4th row.  But whatev + Scratching Chin Smiley Emoji.

Programming Note:  Right here is where the whole thing hit the #Fan.

Allegedly, new girl Camryn or her Mom Camille or both, popped off on Abby and/or Brynn at some point.

And on Ashlee.  Who popped off on Abby and/or Camryn and Camille.  Or maybe not.  From here on out it kinda depends on whose Instagram account you follow.

FYI:  Those aren’t even the right clips or the right episodes, but you get the point.

Plus Jill is my #MomCrush.  So shut up, you.

And then the Moms started spinning the wheel for one last prize.

Not this one.This one.Game Over.  Social Media for the Win.

Abby went home and posted this picture.

And quit. Look at how long Gianna‘s hair got.

And there’s Brynn and those Minis again.

No clue who the dude is photobombing the shot, but he looks friendly.

Now this isn’t the first time that Abby’s used her IG to shake things up.  Remember when she got engaged to this guy?  Or not.

Here they are again, with that filter that gives you a tan and whitens your teeth.And one more time, looking in the other direction for some reason.Not sure what she had planned for this guy, but it required protective headgear.And this guy, totally getting his pocket picked while he was looking at the smoothie menu. No idea who this guy is.But I give the girl her props.

Always stalk your prey from behind and grab them by the neck before they can escape.

So Abby dragged the show and pretty much anyone else in her orbit on that post.  She even accused the producers of not knowing how to dance, but one of them got right on Twitter all like “Nuh Uh I took dance lessons and paid my rent with these moves, girlfriend.”

My boy even posted this told-you-so video which is so lo-res it will probably give you cataracts.

I shot him a text to get the HD version but he never answers the phone when he’s doing crunches because, you know…summer’s coming, bitch.

And then I don’t even know what happened next.

Abby went on a gazillion tv shows talking smack about everyone except me.  Or maybe even me.

It was like every channel was showing Abby Lee Miller at the beginning of the week.

There was even more #SocialMediaShade while Nia and Holly tried to calm the tide a little with a #NoCyberBullying post that got cyberbullied.

I know, right?

Nobody likes getting in the mud, but sometimes you gotta stand up for your beliefs, y’all.

And I was watching the whole thing like…

And then barely 48 hours later, they announced that Season 7B, which was done and in the can (…that’s industry lingo, BTW…) was suddenly back in production for at least one more month with Cheryl Burke taking over the reigns as Dance Coach.

Wait.  What?

You remember Cheryl.

We LOVE her.

She’s the lady from Dancing With The Stars who saved a horse by riding Drew Lachey to the top of the Leader Board.  They won the coveted Grand Champions Mirror Ball during Season Two, which she celebrated by performing a salsa routine while wearing a diaper.  You can’t make this s*** up.

Full Disclosure:  She doesn’t need diapers, but they paid her and her butt looked amazeballs.

Full Disclosure 2:  Not gonna lie.  If my butt could look as good as Cheryl’s I’d be rocking these so hard right now even though it looks like a lot of work to get both legs in securely.

Cheryl and a big football player took home a second Mirror Ball the next season and then she started drawing the short straw a few times.

Can you say Tom DeLay?


Or when she got stuck with that Olympian who thought that if he dyed his hair back nobody would remember he went Number 1 all over the wall of a Rio gas station. 

Remember when that big dude jumped the barrier while Ryan Lochte and Cheryl were getting their scores?  Look at Lochte run like a little girl.

Even Cheryl couldn’t believe her life right there.And now she’s on Dance Moms!

And now Ashlee is skyping TMZ talking more shizz about why she and Brynn left the show and then supposedly (…or maybe not…) turning around and going back on set the next day to film.

Side note:  Look at the TMZ bus and Ashlee both blowing hot air all over Hollywood Blvd. Hit that Twitter follow button, people.  Plenty of room.

I dunno.

It’s exhausting.  No bus fume pun intended.

I love all them kids and all them Moms.  And the show straight up gives me #LIFE.

But I dunno what’s real and what’s not and who hates who (…whom?…) or what really happened.  Nobody does, except the people who lived it.  And it’s real for them.

So I guess the rest of us are just gonna have to wait for additional updates.

Or maybe I’ll just keep making up more stuff.

Stay tuned and we’ll see.

But for now…signing off from Dance Moms TV.

Good news.

Good night.

And straighten those damn feet, will ya?

Dance Moms: Holy Toledo, Batman! It’s Another Chance To Blame It All On Ohio…Or Maybe Just That New Girl.

Wednesday, March 12th, 2014




Just saying I’m into stocky guys and dudes with funny hats. Think we can make this happen?






Lawd have mercy. I’m gonna have to write a whole other book just to get that outta my head.






I don’t recall that Dr. Beyoncé lady’s hair looking like that last year on the Zenith. Do you, Bernice?







It’s called a smokey eye. Doesn’t anyone read Cosmopolitan Magazine anymore?






Haters gonna hate. But sometimes it’s just good to be Jill. It’s ok to be jealz.







Srsly. What the hell? A haunted house? I never had to put up with all this s*** in Miami, bitches.






OhMyGod! We took the wrong dog home from the nursing home last night!





Mystery solved.

I think I finally figured out what’s on that sheet of paper that Melissa is always holding during competitions.  When she isn’t texting, I mean.

She must be keeping track of all the new faces that come and go through the revolving door of the ALDC.  That has to be what she’s doing.  Because without some kind of spreadsheet I don’t think that even Abby Lee Miller could remember who gets to keep their logo tank tops for another week and who has to wash and return them before hitting the road.  Don’t cut the tags off just yet, kids.

Dance Moms was back this week with yet another stray child attempting to score a permanent locker and snappy track jacket of their own.  And the pressure was building.

Because Eight is great.  And Nine is fine.  But then again…there’s Ten.

I don’t know if they were referring to winning streaks or newbie dancers, but everyone kept rhyming stuff for the full hour like it was Seussical the Musical.

Good Golly, Miss Molly.  Buy that book by Dr. Holly.

This week started out in the lobby again, with Abby and her trusty sidekick Gianna chilling and gossiping and doing everything they could possibly think of to avoid having to organize that hot mess of a front desk.

Four seasons later, I’m beginning to realize that parking lot potholes and front desk clutter are two things I’m going to have to come to terms with or I’ll drive myself crazy.

Abby let Gia know that yet another spunky new kid would be joining them this week for a test run.  Fallon and her Mom Cheryl from the Orlando Open Call Auditions.

And in they came.  All polite and sparkly and excited to be in Pittsburgh.

Sidenote:  Do these little tykes all wear glitter eyeliner to school, too?  Or do they put in on the car on the way to rehearsals?  I’m never really sure if it’s 7am or 7pm when everyone shows up at the studio, so I’m just throwing that one out there.

And then it was time for the Pyramid of Shame.  And to introduce Fallon to the Team.


Did you see Nia‘s little half-wave?  Amazing.  I couldn’t tell if Sasha couldn’t be bothered putting the effort into a full-on ‘Howdy’ since it was already pretty clear that Fallon would be gone by next week, or if she just didn’t dare fall out of military formation.  You know how the General can be during inspection.

But it’s also the International Year of the Nia, so she’s got a lot on her plate right now.

Regardless, it was fabulous.  Hi.  Yeah.  Whatev.

Kalani was MIA.  Which I didn’t understand, since she still shows up on some of the kid’s Instagrams.  Which totally just sounded like I creep young girl’s Instagram accounts.

Which I don’t do.  Because it’s called Research, thank you very much.

Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Kendall, Chloe and Nia.  Kendall had pulled a measly Ninth Place last week, so she’s lucky Abby didn’t add a 4th row to the Pyramid just for her.  Chloe had done the same turn for ten minutes in the Improv Dance-Off part of the competition, while Nia only did half a turn before she got cut, so I didn’t have high hopes for my girls this week.  There’s always next time, little buckeroos.

The middle row was tag teamed by Fallon and Mackenzie‘s pouty Kardashian face.  I forget why Fallon made it that high up in her first 4 minutes with the ALDC because Melissa started doing that hyper-fast stress blinking that she always does when she’s about to lose her nutty on someone and it really distracted me for a second.

Mackenzie was given props for having that crazy seizure on stage and giving Face, Face and More Face.  I totally called that one last week, by the way.

And then Maddie was on top.  She’ll probably be on top next week, too, if you have somewhere to be at 9pm.

Special shout out to Holly and her new sweater ensemble.  And her sassy pants.

Because she definitely had her sassy pants on this week.  Oh, snap.

Seriously.  When Abby first revealed Fallon taped above Nia on the Pyramid and Holly put her hands on her hips and got all OhHellNo, she kind of looked like Clair Huxtable pretending to be Wonder Woman standing on a rock overlooking Paradise Island wondering why all her kids are late for dinner again when she clearly stated 6pm.


Did that even make any sense?

And to my other MomCrush Jill, who seems to have finally gotten her hair under control and when she dials down some of the fur accessories is looking pretty damn fly.  Did you see her in that red dress at the competition?  Dang, girl.  Werk those Spanx.  Hubba.

We.  Love.  Jill.  Dot-Com.

This week the gang was headed to another In10sity Dance Competition in Toledo, Ohio.

Yeah.  That Ohio.

Candy Apples turf.  And you know how Abby gets when Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein shows up on the playground.

Kendall and Fallon scored solos.  The group routine was called Red With Envy.  Cheryl is a hard 40+ years old.  And her boobs are real.

Because Christi asked.  So there you go.

While all the Moms were in the MomPerch looking at Cheryl’s chest, Chaos Cathy and her team were up in Ohio working out their own kinks.

Bad A** choreographer Blake McGrath was gone.  Off getting another skull tattoo or something.  And in his place was some hottie from Los Angeles named Erin, who you could tell was making the two male dancers act a little dorky.

Especially Zack Attack Torres, who had somehow inexplicably grown at least 2 feet taller since the last time we saw him and was a Real Boy now.  Holy Growth Spurt, Pinocchio.

But let’s be honest.  All that really mattered was Cathy’s smokey eye.

I know, right?  What was that all about?  It was a little less like a Jersey nail tech and whole lot more like some shaky priest had completely missed her forehead on Ash Wednesday.  I had to walk away for a minute just to wash my face.

The only thing that could really top that was a trip to an assisted living center.

It was time to go visit Abby’s Mom Maryen Lorraine Miller and put on a quick improv show for the residents of The Sterling House.  And for Abby to yell at some old people.


The serious part:  We miss Maryen, who passed away in February.  She proved that she was sharp as a tack right to the end, sitting there all coiffed and hair bowed, and it was clear how much all the girls loved her as they stampeded in with glitter cards and warm fuzzy hugs.  Her contribution to the world of dance can’t be ignored and she will live on forever in the hearts of young dancers everywhere.

The not quite so serious part:  There was a dead dog on the bed.

Shut.  Up.  Broadway Baby was back.  Stuffed and just chilling out on the blanket like nothing had happened.  It was so wrong on so many levels that it almost seemed right.

It was also nice to see that no matter how old you get, you still don’t have to listen to your Mother as Abby tossed Mackenzie’s live dog (…butt first, of course…) right in Maryen’s face before scooping him up again and dumping the tiny pup right on top of Broadway Baby despite Maryen begging her not to tread on sacred territory.

Luckily the little dog caught the scent of cellophane wrapped Grandma Candy and scooted across the bed before he soiled the Broadway Baby shrine in any way.  Because I know what you expected him to do.  And it probably would have been hilarious.

The girls then did a quick Improv Dance-Off, complete with a grand finale Nia Frazier Death Drop.  Which seemed like an odd message to send to residents of an assisted living center, but I’m not here to judge.

As the competition drew closer, the ALDC rehearsals grew more stressful but remained fairly uneventful.  Fallon had trouble remembering which foot was the Right one and Kendall learned that if she didn’t place in the Top Five this week it wouldn’t be pretty.

And speaking of pretty, thanks to Christi we also learned that Jill likes to keep herself ‘fresh,’ which I believe is MomCode for Restylane fillers.

Remember that time when Jill wrapped her belly in saran wrap?  The man on QVC says that shrink wrapping all your squishy stuff will definitely extend its shelf life.

The More You Know, kids.  Just keeping it Real.  And keeping it Fresh.

Finally, it was Showtime!


At the Collingwood Arts Center.  Which I think was supposed to be spelled ‘Collinwood.’ 

Like the mansion in Dark Shadows.  Where Barnabas Collins lived.  Who was a vampire.  Wait.  What?

Can someone explain what this place was all about?  Because I have no clue.  It was almost as if the In10sity guys forgot to put down a deposit and ended up having to run the show out of someone’s house.  There were secret hallways.  A million doors.  Everyone was bumping into each other trying to get to the bathroom.

Did you see the actual performances?  The stage looked like someone had just pushed the couches out of the way and made the kids all dance under emergency generator lighting.  And I’m not even exaggerating for once.

There was even a hand coming out of the wall trying to grab Brigette Triana‘s head.

On the bus ride over, Cheryl had casually mentioned that she didn’t actually bring anything for Fallon to wear during her solo.  Holly made some of her best HollyFaces yet while Melissa proved that she had clearly mastered the art of being snarky without even looking up from an iPhone.  Meow, girls.  Me.  Ow.

So that meant that Abby had to go to Macy’s and buy an armload of dresses in a last minute panic.  Good thing they have a One Day Sale every weekend.

And then it was really, finally, Showtime!

Chaos Cathy sent out a tiny shirtless boy for her solo contribution.  She basically broke up the Gavin/Mackenzie Morales salsa set and made the brother do all the heavy lifting this week.  He could use a few bicep curls, but otherwise he did great.

Kendall rocked her solo, while newbie Fallon didn’t even know where she was.  That kid was lucky she even made it onto the stage before forgetting her entire routine.

Abby tried to coerce the two dudes in charge of the event to disqualify Fallon on the spot because she was such a mess, but they weren’t buying it.  Some nonsense about rules or something.


Nice hat, by the way.

A couple of times during the event, Jill and Cathy went a few rounds, but it was pretty tame compared to previous water tossing, pocketbook swinging confrontations.  Cathy seems to have lost her will to live lately.  Especially when you’re trapped inside a venue where municipal fire codes only allow seven people in a room at one time.

And then she panicked.  Cathy cut the CADC group number right as the kids had one foot on the stage.  Because if you know you can’t win at something, it’s always better to just take all your toys and go home instead of striving to be the best you can be under less than perfect conditions.  Or at least I think that was the teaching moment.

Somehow, Fallon pulled a Third Place by simply wandering around stage for two minutes.

Sign me up for that gig.  I love trophies.

Kendall lost out to Gavin by 1/10th of a point as they pulled in Second and First Place respectively.  But still a major victory for girls who cry too easily and skinny boys everywhere.

The ALDC group routine brought in another First Place.  Boom.

Backstage, everyone was screaming and hugging and high-fiving each other like it was the Superbowl.  Except for Holly, who got left hanging with both hands up in the air and nobody to palm slap.  Anyone else notice that one?

Girlfriend.  Love you.  Mean it.  But you’re like 8 feet tall in heels.  What kid is gonna hit that target?  They’re dancers, not Globetrotters.  I did get up off the couch and give you ten so you didn’t feel left out, if that makes you feel any better.

Next time…low five on da side, yo.

And then Abby sent Fallon home without even a consolation prize.  Thanks for playing.

Cathy whined a little more and then grabbed the crosstown to get the heck outta there before Brigette freaked out.  Yet another loss for the Candy Apples.

Time for Lady Killer Lucas to bring his heart breaking skills to Pittsburgh, I think.  And bring Pinocchio with you.  He can stick his head out the sun roof.

And then it was over.  Ten if you’re counting.

Next week?  Drag Queens.

Now we’re talking.


Dance Moms: It’s Time To Shut Your Mouth, Stuff Your Dog And Get Ready For The Night Of The Dancing Dead.

Wednesday, August 7th, 2013




And this, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how West Coast Mamas bring all the boys to the yard. Let’s Go!








Oh. Hell. No.







Nobody puts Baby in the corner. A big FedEx box, maybe…but never the corner.








Leslie, Ya Nasty.







Honey? I know you’re trying to focus, but some crazy a** Mom is still blocking the aisle and I really need a box of Goobers.





The only good thing about Leslie is she has a Sam’s Club card and a van. She’s my BFF when wine goes on sale.






And the award for Hottest Mom Twerk Handed Out By That Guy From The Old Navy Commercial goes to…….




Nice try.

Just when you thought Orlando had finally put that embarrassing Girls Gone Wild stigma behind them and was back to just being part of the Sunshine State.

Sorry, Florida.  Dance Moms is about to hit the beach.


Fresh off a local throw down with Anthony Burrell‘s hood rat Mama (…”my son is a gentleman and don’t make me smack you upside the head to prove it”…) the ALDC was heading South this week for yet another Xpression Dance Competition.

If you keep track of these kind of things, it’s about four weeks away from Nationals.  So that meant that it was time for all the girls to start pulling their shiz together and become a well oiled machine.

After The Pyramid of Shame, of course.

Back home in beautiful Pittsburgh, we started out with yet another shoe-free, Kelly-free gathering of the troops.  And before you ask…No.  I have no idea what was going on with Jill‘s maxi color maxi pattern maxi accessory maxi dress ensemble.

Not a clue.  I’m starting to think that she’s just trying to mess with our heads now.

After…once again…blowing a nutty during rehearsals for the ALDC Recital and…once again…storming out the stage door, Kelly was…once again…still holding Brooke and Paige under house arrest and refusing to let them dance.

Once again.

So that meant that über tall Payton was still hanging around as backup dancer.  Which in turn meant that über loud Mom Leslie was also still in the building and pretty much guaranteed the entire episode would be filled with Christi copping an attitude and rolling her eyes a lot.


Drinking Game Alert:  Take a drink every time Christi makes a face, or just drink every time this show makes you want to drink.  Your choice.

Bottom of the pile this week was a tight squeeze with Brooke, Paige, Payton, Asia and Mackenzie all crammed on that one row.

Brooke and Paige were no surprise.  As little as I pretend to know about the Dance World, I know you should probably show up once in awhile.

Payton was in the basement because her attitude continued to suck big ones.  Really big ones.  Remember her mouthing off in the makeup room last week?

“Ummm.  Hellooooo, Bitches?  My name is Payton.  Spelled S-N-O-T.”

Stop that right now Missy, or I’m sending Anthony’s Mama back in to set you straight.

Asia was stuck in the bottom because she still needed to figure out how to be a Star and a member of an ensemble at the same time.  Ok.  Let’s ask Beyoncé how well that worked out for her when we get a chance.

And then there was MackAttack, whose headshot was only a mere 8 inches to the left of Asia’s, but which somehow meant that she had a better Pyramid Score than Asia.  I thought the Bottom was the Bottom.  My bad.

The middle row was reserved for Chloe, Kendall and Maddie.  Chloe was good but not great.  And as part of Abby’s  Humiliation 101 training, Maddie was held back again this week.  Abby wanted Maddie to stay hungry and not get used to winning every week.  I guess giving a kid nothing to do all week should do the trick.

Kendall rounded out the trio and got props for her Mom not going completely bat s*** Paula Deen on Anthony’s Mama last week.

Nia took top honors, which gave Mom Holly the same face you know she’ll get on Graduation Day.  Everybody loves Nia, so they were all psyched to see her finally get some recognition.

Chloe, Kendall and Nia all scored solos and their respective Moms high-fived each other while Maddie wondered how much a bus ticket to Ohio would cost.


Nia’s solo was being planned as a tribute to Broadway Baby, Abby’s spoiled, scruffy, runny-eyed sissy dog who had passed away a few months ago and was, as we speak, being stuffed full of pillow batting at the Back To Life Taxidermy factory.

At first I tried to visualize Nia being pushed around in a pink toy baby stroller and uncomfortably kissed on the mouth a lot, but then Abby clarified the solo would involve actual dancing and I was pretty relieved.

The group routine was entitled On The Verge and was a not so subtle homage to Kelly’s gradual mental deterioration.  Basically just going crazy on an eight count.

As the kids got to rehearsing, the grown-ups all hit the MomPerch to dish.

Melissa felt that Maddie should have been on top.  Holly worried about the pressure that Nia must be under to pay proper tribute to a dead dog.  Christi wondered why Leslie was still sitting in Kelly’s seat and Kristie with a K sat on her hands so she wouldn’t slap somebody.

JLo was definitely running out of patience with these hens.  They complain when their kids don’t get stuff.  They complain when their kids gets stuff.  And this new Leslie chick hasn’t stopped talking since she walked in the door.  When does she breath?  Or eat?

Cuz you know she does.

Oh, snap.

Seriously.  How much do we love JLo?  I think the only thing better would be if someday before I die I got to see her booty pop.

Spoiler Alert:  Hold that thought.

As rehearsals continued, it was time for Abby and Mom Maryen Lorrain Miller to go pick up their freshly stuffed puppy.  I kind of live for moments like this one.

Surrounded by stuffed turkeys, bears and pretty much anything that Honey Boo Boo‘s Mom couldn’t get her hands on first on the side of the road, Mr. Taxidermy brought in an exceptionally fluffy and rigid Broadway Baby to the gasps of Abby and Mom and then laid him out like an Applebee’s nacho plate on the table.


Now I like Abby’s Mom Maryen.  Quite a bit, actually.  Everybody does.  She’s that good kind of old lady crazy.  (Can you even imagine a mahjong tournament with Maryen and Chaos Cathy‘s Candy Apple grandma?  Heaven.)

And we should always respect our elders.  I know that.

But did you see here face when she first saw Broadway Baby?  I’m pretty sure that she thought it was a surprise 100th birthday cake when the owner first came around the corner with that puppy on a slab.

I died a little.

Everyone cried.  Maryen got all flustered trying to figure out why there were no candles anywhere and then the guy boxed Baby up in some new fangled new hi-tech cardboard puppy carrier and handed Abby an invoice.

Randomly through her tears, Abby did note that she should have put Broadway Baby in commercials as Mr. Taxidermy filled the box with packing peanuts shaped just like Snausages.  He then sent them all home after making a mental note on Maryen’s height and hair color for future reference.

Back in the MomPerch, Kelly called Christi (…on speakerphone, natch…) to selectively invite a few of the Moms over to Casa Hyland for cocktails and smack talk.

Needless to say, Melissa was dissed due to outstanding issues between the two of them and the same argument that had been going around all season erupted again between all the Moms.

Kelly should come back.  Leslie’s not a member of the Team.  Payton’s too old to dance with the young girls, even though she is the exact same age as Brooke.

(Don’t ask.  That made no sense on any level.)

Blah to the blah to the blah.

The only thing that really got accomplished was all the arguing gave Leslie some additional time to mark her turf in the Perch as she rubbed that Walmart butt back and forth across the bench like some wild dog on a carpet.

Smell that?  This bitch ain’t going nowhere.


During the solo rehearsals, Nia had a few repetitive issues which caused Abby to lose her temper and kinda sorta cut the solo.  Except that she didn’t really.  But it sounded like she did, which prompted Holly and Nia to head down to the desk to find out all the deets and get some clarification.

Holly is so level headed that she just laid it all down on the line and did’t even get distracted by the gigantic glossy photo of Abby’s (…alleged…) boyfriend that was thumbtacked on the wall all covered in lipgloss kisses.

Seriously.  That front desk is starting to look like the inside of a 7th grader’s locker.  I swear…if I ever see a One Direction picture hanging off those constantly unstocked dance tight bins, I’m not watching this stupid show anymore.  Clean it up, girls.

With one day to go, the Moms were still all up in each other’s grills.

Leslie wanted to stay forever.  Christi kept pointing out that she was only soiling Kelly’s seat…not keeping it forever.  By the time that Leslie tried to compare herself to JLo, my girl wasn’t having it anymore.

If somebody wants answers, she’s got answers for them.  Outdoors.  Let’s go.

Gah.  I hope it’s not raining that day.

We jumped over to Kelly’s house for a few chugs of wine and a mouthful of cheese, but didn’t really accomplish anything.  I actually think it was the same scene we saw last time when all the Moms got hammered.

Drink.  Eat.  Complain.  Storm out.  “I’m Done!”  Rinse.  Repeat.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Everyone was wedged into a pretty tiny makeup room, which probably seemed even tinier with an extra tall dancer and her Mom taking up so much additional square footage.  (And why is Melissa always crawling around on her hand and knees in the suitcase?  I mean…every week, I swear.)

Abby told Nia to dance her dance like a man had just done her wrong, which was a little disturbing considering that not only has Nia never been on a date,  but her dance was a tribute to a dead dog who was back home propped up on pillows watching an unplugged television set.

And then Kelly showed up.  All the way down in Orlando.  For real.

No wonder this woman doesn’t work.  Stalking and complaining and being an on again, off again Dance Mom is clearly a full time job.


Unfortunately, with her current status under question, Abby and Maryen refused to let her into the aisle to sit with her buds.  Nope.  Not doing it.  Not having it.

Thankfully, Kelly refused to climb over the seats and flash all of America her naughty bits in a short dress, and instead chose to stand at the end of the aisle and sulk until intermission.  Which she did quite well.

Which also gave Maryen ample time to pop off like some crazy bus stop lady and talk trash about Kelly.  You go, Granny.

Then some kids danced.  And then the group danced.  All good.

But the really good part was the Awards.  And the Asia vs. Kristie Dance Off.

Oh, yeah.  That totally happened.

Somehow from up on stage, Asia had thrown down the challenge to Mama out in the audience to do it like they do it on MTV.

It started off innocently enough, though you really need to see Jill and Christi trying to compete with JLo in the seats.  Kristie danced in her seat.  Jill and Christi had what looked to be some kind of medically induced seizures.

And then JLo jumped up and right about then the whole thing pretty much gave me life.

Bitch stole my moves.  Dang, girl.

In the makeup room after the ceremonies, the arguments continued.  Kelly even bullied her way backstage to tag team Christi against Leslie.

Who’s on the Team?  Who’s only keeping seats warm?  When’s Kelly coming back?

As the voice of reason, Holly even tried to explain to Leslie why raising good children might actually be more important than raising a Rockette, but Leslie wasn’t having it.

None of it.  As my ears bled, I tried to imagine Thanksgiving at the Ackerman’s after a couple of keggers.

Finally, JLo lost patience with the whole thing, grabbed her cell and went out the door to check her score sheets in the Mom Dance portion of the competition.

I’m going to get my trophy.

Peace out.


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