Posts Tagged ‘Broadway Baby’

Dance Moms: The ALDC’s About To Have A Major BoomKack Panic Attack. Chloe’s Back…And She Brought Mom!

Thursday, August 17th, 2017

 

 

When I heard that Beyoncé’s girl was coming, you know Mama had to go put on her big hair.

 

 

 

 

Did I remember to unfollow that idiot blogger on Twitter? That boy is nothing but a damn fool.

 

 

 

 

 

#GoogleItYo

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know I won’t have no regrets when I snatch those braids off her head and rock the TCAs.

 

 

 

 

You know I can see you all up in my business looking at my hair, little girl. Don’t even think it.

 

 

 

 

After I Google that Dance Lady, I need to figure out what the hell ‘OG’ even means. Seriously.

 

 

 

 

 

#Done.

 

 

 

 

It’s happening.

It’s really happening.

They’re baaaaack.

And for real this time.  I swear.

Spoiler Alert:  Not like this swearing.

Or even this swearing.

But more like #PinkySwear swearing.

Because they’re really back!

Yup.  It was the long awaited return of Chloebird and my #CyberSpiritAnimal this week!  F’realz.

After endlessly looped promos and pop-ups spliced into and onto that new So Sharp show you should totally be watching, Chloe Lukasiak, Mom Christi and the no-longer-a-baby Baby Clara finally made it back home to where they belong: Dance Moms.

Even though they kinda sorta made it back at the end of the first half of whatever number season this is now.  But that was really only long enough for Holly to lose her noodle and Abby to begin a vegan BoyToy diet that I don’t think is even legal in all 50 states.

She made them dress up like farm animals, E I E I Yo.

(And did Kalani really pick up a First Place trophy wearing a pig costume?)

Programming Note:  We’re not even remotely going in the correct episode order if you’re trying to find these bloops on your DVR.  Don’t waste your time.  I’m just trying to get you caught up.

So Chloe and Christi came back at the end of whatever.  But that one didn’t really count, even though it did get a number of tweens pretty wound up and also scored Chloe her own 10 minute weekly TV show where she gets to eat cookies off her face like that dreamy guy from One Direction.#TrueFact: This is how I fell asleep most nights when I was in college.  Don’t judge.

Because right now it’s time for the Big Return.

And a road trip to the UK for Abby Lee Miller

…who was off celebrating her last few weeks of freedom sightseeing with Steve Sanders from Beverly Hills 90210 before returning to face a judge for misplacing all that Aussie Meet & Greet moolah.

Spoiler Alert:  I think we all know how that one ends up.

Hashtag:  Carbo loading before the Big Game.

So now it was back to the ALDC LA for the rest of the gang as they waited for this week’s fill-in choreographer, who Ashlee had called in as a ringer.

Because Ashlee Allen has Beyoncé‘s choreographer’s cell phone on speed dial and you don’t.

Side note:  I bet Ashlee has plenty of extra room on her SIM card for other celebrities now that she unfollowed me on Twitter, right?  Here’s an actual BTS shot of her unfollowing me right in front of everybody else.  Tossing me aside like a pair of last season’s blue jeans that still kinda fit.

Look at how nosey that Kate Gosselin Mom is, tho.

And then this happened.

BoomKack!

SnackAttack!

Laurieann Gibson arrived.

Yes, she is.

And famous.  And she has worked with a ton of famous people.

Who she named.  A number of times.

And if you don’t know who Laurieann is…then Lawd Geezis, you better just Google it asap.

Because she said so.

So I did.  And these two pictures came up.Laurieann Gibson has never been seen in public without a coffee cup.

And it’s true because it’s on the internet and I Googled it.

We love Laurieann.

I mean mad LUV.  Spelled wrong and all in caps.

She’s one of those choreographers who screams and yells and gets all like BoomKack CrackerJack when she’s counting out the beats in the music.  And you better listen or else.

Because she’s a better dancer than you and has way better CGI-animated hair than that lady in the new Inhumans show coming out this fall.

Laurieann has worked with Lady Gaga (…who they showed in a photo…) and Beyoncé, who they did not show in a photo because my Producer boy was so busy photobombing the Moms’ Teens Choice Awards Instagram videos that he forgot to get clearance from Jay Z.

Side note:  I love when they call my boy “Producer” in the subtitles to make it look like Martin Scorsese is responsible for last week’s social edition episode.

Yeah. I kind of am.

Laurieann’s goal was to bring out the best in the girls and break the robotic spell that Abby had placed on them over the years.

Q.  Anyone feel like Abby holds you back?

Side note:  #HollyFace and #HollyHair was on point for the full hour.  It just was.

This week the gang was headed to Fierce National Dance Competition because that’s where they go every other week.  The group routine was entitled “Judgement Day” and would involve the Big Girls walking two Minis on leashes, because why not.

Solos went to Nia, Camryn and that little girl Maesi, who has the best D’oh smile evah.

Her Mom does this to her hair on purpose, BTW.

I don’t know how.  Or why.  But she does.

Nia and Kendall both had breakthroughs getting past some of Abby’s wear and tear…

…and then–

Wait.  What?

AwHellNah.  I don’t think so.

#MomCrush.

Look at Jill trying not to smack that thing right off her stupid head.

I think I need some fresh air after that.

Christi…crack the window, willya?

Yaaaaaas!  They’re really back!

And headed into enemy territory across town at the Murrieta Dance Project.
Which I found to be a little concerning.

Not that I don’t love me some Erin Babbs.  Because I do.

She’s awesome sauce.  And she runs a tight ship over there at the MDP.  Squeaky tight.

They require sewn-in elastic on ballet and pointe shoes (…no wire hangers or tied together footies…) and only give you 5 minutes to fix your hair before rehearsal if you show up a hot a** mess after school.

They also apparently require your Dad to build you a time machine because their current website lists 2015’s holiday hours and a big full page blurb announcing Revue tickets that are going on sale 3 months ago if you click a non-existent link.

Yes.  And I own it.

So aside from the fact the MDP website dress code repeatedly stated boy’s knees needed to be visible so many times that I felt momentarily violated, I was also questioning why Christi’s new car was equipped with one of those fish eye spy cams and if she knew it and why she wasn’t wearing a seat belt.

But then I saw the restraining device under all her new hair.  And speaking of…

PLEEEEZ tell me you saw Christi’s social media post the day she was getting her hair did for the Teen Choice Awards.  Look at that dude trying to find a clean spot to eat his lunch on that Table o’ Tracks.

It takes a village.

The only other time I’ve ever seen that much TumbleWeave in one place was two years ago on Black Friday in a Best Buy parking lot.  Cuz I know you didn’t just take that last widescreen plasma and then text my man while I was in line getting a George Foreman and an Amazon Echo Dot.

Alexa.  F*** that bitch up right now.

Q.  Why are all those cars going in so many different directions?  Is she even on the road right now?

And how hilarious is it that she took the long way to MDP just so they could drive by the prison where Abby is going to be staying?  I mean, C’mon.  Set your GPS…I feel some Sunday road trips coming on.

And they don’t allow cameras, so it’s ok to flip the bird out the window, kids.

But I digress.

Erin is awesome and she put Chloe through a rusty private rehearsal and a group routine that got Chloebird a little weepy, but apparently all dance studios have that secret room where all the kids run off to and cry when they wobble out of their turns and feel like New Kids on the Block. I hate seeing kids cry.

Meanwhile, back at the ALDC LA, which is what I think it’s still called until somebody (…Spoiler Alert…) comes and rips all the logos off the brick walls, the three girls were rehearsing their solos.

Nia:  No Regrets.  Maesi:  Black Sheep.  Camryn:  Weight of the World.

All three girls are good and all, but we need to take a minute and remember Nia’s journey.

Do it.  Because she and her Mom are da bomb diggity.  Somebody raised her right.

#FamilyGoals.

BoomKack PaddyWhack Hello Kitty Tic Tac.

And then the four oldest dancers all went for hot chocolate on a 94 degree LA day, which was pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things except for the fact that Brynn is literally every white girl on planet Earth when it’s Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte time.

Look at her go.

I would totally DM her Mom and tell her how totes adorbz her kid is, but…you know.  Twitter.

Oh.  And there was also a flashback to when Chloe and Christi left 3 years ago and Chloe was crying and Christi was calling Abby a fat 45 year old which, if you do the math and plus it back up, doesn’t even come close to the age that I bet was on the clipboard when the prison matron took all of Abby’s jewelry and Tupperware.  #DanceMath.

And then with one day to go before competition, this happened.

Same.

Finally, it was Showtime!

#CyberSpiritAnimal Christi showed up wearing the same red coat that Jackie O wore in the Lifetime movie that’s on Netflix this month.  I’m ok with her lifting some presidential couture from the prop room when the guard goes on break.  She looked hot.

#MomCrush Jill showed up wearing those blush pink aviator sunnies that are all the rage at Hot Topic right now.  Cuz she trendy and stuff and Ryleigh won’t even notice they’re missing until the episodes airs and by then it’s too late anyway.  I love Jill so hard.

#UpdateYourWebsite MDP showed up still holding the Vistaprint vinyl banner they’re planning on marching with in last year’s Macy’s parade.  Erin should wear her hair down more often.

#CuzImBeyoncésChoreographer Laurieann showed up praying to Jesus that her styrofoam cup is always full o’ Joe and to give her the strength to not snatch that iPhone out of that little girl’s hand because ain’t nobody shooting her from the backside in this lighting.

BoomKack PepperJack.

#ProveThemWrong Chloe showed up with her new MDP friends but was having some serious ALDC separation anxiety.  It gets better, Peanut.  Just hold on a little longer.

And then I don’t even know what happened.

If you’re a skimmer, the whole scene can be summed up in this one photo:

Jill started screaming at Christi.  Christi started screaming at Jill.  Rinse & Repeat and then air dry.

Kendall never texted Chloe in 3 years.  Oh yes she did.  Oh no she din’t.

Who’s a studio hopper now, Christi?  Who’s a bitch now, Jill?  You’re an OG.  I’m an OG.  You’re not an OG.  You can’t leave and come back and studio hop and still be an OG.  You were never an OG.  Pull up Season One on your damn DVD.  Who dat lady?  Who dat lady?  I’m an OG.  No she’s not.

Same, Kira.  Same.

When it was all over, everyone went to opposing corners to let the dust settle and I realized that I forgot to stick this picture into the recap.  Look at how cute this kid is.

Minis ain’t feeling any of this BS right now.

And what ever happened to that front door picnic bench that Jill bought Abby way back when she was or wasn’t an OG?  Did we ever locate it?

The whereabouts of that bench and the stuffed dog is why I have trust issues.

And then it was over.

Apparently it’s a two-parter.  Who knew?

This week wore me out, folks.  I’m exhausted.

Somebody call me an Uber.

Dance Moms Mama Drama: Oh No She Din’t! Abby Lee Miller Just Quit! Here’s The Scoop…And Some Made Up Stuff.

Friday, March 31st, 2017

 

So, umm…yeah.

About that whole Dance Moms thing.

It started out as a pretty slow news day at the ALDCA, all things considered.

Until, well…you know.Bet you didn’t see that coming.
She did it.  Miss Abby did it.

Abby Lee Miller quit Dance Moms.I know, right?Take your time.

This whole thing pretty much caught everybody off guard.

Even (…SPOILER ALERT!…) this lady.It’s true.

After six years, seven seasons and however many days it all adds up to…Abby quit.

In full-on all up in yo’ face all over yo’ Instagram #AbbyStyle.

And on the weekend, too.  Just like the White House does all their stuff lately.

Trust me.  It was straight-up online Crazy Pants.

But to fully understand the impact of all these shenanigans, we need to start at the beginning.

Which was really the middle and kinda sorta the end.  With me so far?

The Dance Moms Dirt, yo.

Please do enjoy this recap of all the deets that have been made public up to this point.

There is plenty of Canton Jerky to gnaw on so far and anything we don’t know I’ll just make up to keep things flowing.  Because that’s how we do.

Word on the street is that the whole thing started to crumble when all the Moms regrouped to begin filming Season 7.5 or 7B (…which totally sounds like that upstairs apartment in a sitcom where the whacky neighbor lives…) or whatever it is they call the next bunch of episodes that haven’t aired yet.

Abby was MIA. Again.I mean, it’s not like that hasn’t happened before.  But, still.

Needless to say, after six years, seven seasons and blah blah blah…the Moms were getting a little tired of all the no-shows and had apparently been scouting out new locations where the girls could continue to rehearse and compete.  Locations that might give the girls a more positive environment to learn and grow and pig pile on top of each other like the last day of Spring Break.

Like maybe this place that Chloe cryptically posted on her IG account, which immediately caused two thirds of the country’s youth to stop doing their homework and start texting crying emojis way past their bedtime.  OMG + 20 Yellow Smiley Faces with tears pouring down.

Because, remember…Chloe.

Yup.  Looks like Chloe was really back.

Side note:  #CyberSpiritAnimal…

But wassup wid dat 8 Count Dance Academy?

Was it rehearsal space?  Did the team really…finally…jump ship off the SS ALDC?  And where was little Brynn?  Look at this niblet.

We love Brynn, even though her Mom stopped following me on Twitter.

Full Disclosure: I got a feeling Ashlee‘s probably not gonna re-follow me by the time I’m finished with this update, so if anyone would like to fill her spot there’s an #EmptyChair with your name on it.

Eventually, photos started creeping up online showing Brynn surrounded by all kinds of little ALDC Minis, which totally made her look like Dorothy when she first landed in Oz.

Am I right?  And you thought Brynn was tiny.

Was Brynn their mentor?  Was the team fractured?  What was even happening right now?

Lots, apparently.

Abby eventually showed up again with an (…alleged…) list of things that the gang could and could not discuss, which in Dance Moms Reverse Psychology meant Go Directly To Your Social Media.

It started getting a little uncomfortable.

But just a little.  The good stuff was still to come.  At the end of the long Road to Nationals.

Yeah.  What she said.

True Fact:  If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years of network television (watching) it’s this:

NEVER skimp on the lighting.  Or the fabric on your daughter’s costume.

Just don’t.

But they did.

And it didn’t end well at all.

Anyone remember #FanDanceGate?  Who burned those reels?  They’re not even on Netflix.

Turns out that Abby (…or was it?…) wanted the girls to wear some provocative costumes at Nationals to give them an edge against the competition, which…let’s be honest…has been an ongoing issue at her studio since that first episode way back in 2011.

The routine was going to be a Bob Fosse-ish thingamajig which I guess Abby (…or not…) felt needed grown-up attire consisting of bras, panties and a straddle chair, which in turn opened up pretty heated discussions on what is the proper age for your daughter to be on national television in her undergarments.

Advance Disclaimer:  Take it to the chat rooms, people.  Not the comment section.

This argument has gone on since Day One in the Dance World and while it’s true that the girls are way older than they were during the #FanDanceGate Fiasco, some Moms were still not comfortable with the costuming concept.

Look at how little Mackenzie was back then.  She looks like a toilet paper cozy.

Which reminds me that while all this drama was going on, former DM Break-Out Star Maddie was in Dubai riding a camel and that it’s someone’s actual job in Dubai to crochet camel nose cozies.You can probably Google how to make both the Mackenzie and the camel nose version if you want.

And she’s Maddie and you’re not.

Merchandising Memo:  Did you know that in lieu of cozies, Walgreen’s sells Maddie and Mackenzie dolls?  Because they do.  And both dolls come with a dance bag and legs that look like they’ll snap off as soon as you take them out of the plastic clamshell.  My girl Rachelle Rak will tell you those ain’t Broadway dancer gams.  No, ma’am.

Look!  Here’s Maddie and Mackenzie at Pure Barre.And the Teletubbies at Pure Barre.And Christi and Kelly at The Barre.How much do we love those two together?  Hashtag:  Goals.

And now I forgot what we were talking about.

Oh.  Yeah.  This.And this.  

And this bootleg shot of the actual 2017 dance, which someone apparently shot through the bottom of an aquarium.  Which I don’t understand since photos sent back from the Mars LandRover are clearer than some kid’s iPhone in the 4th row.  But whatev + Scratching Chin Smiley Emoji.

Programming Note:  Right here is where the whole thing hit the #Fan.

Allegedly, new girl Camryn or her Mom Camille or both, popped off on Abby and/or Brynn at some point.

And on Ashlee.  Who popped off on Abby and/or Camryn and Camille.  Or maybe not.  From here on out it kinda depends on whose Instagram account you follow.

FYI:  Those aren’t even the right clips or the right episodes, but you get the point.

Plus Jill is my #MomCrush.  So shut up, you.

And then the Moms started spinning the wheel for one last prize.

Not this one.This one.Game Over.  Social Media for the Win.

Abby went home and posted this picture.

And quit. Look at how long Gianna‘s hair got.

And there’s Brynn and those Minis again.

No clue who the dude is photobombing the shot, but he looks friendly.

Now this isn’t the first time that Abby’s used her IG to shake things up.  Remember when she got engaged to this guy?  Or not.

Here they are again, with that filter that gives you a tan and whitens your teeth.And one more time, looking in the other direction for some reason.Not sure what she had planned for this guy, but it required protective headgear.And this guy, totally getting his pocket picked while he was looking at the smoothie menu. No idea who this guy is.But I give the girl her props.

Always stalk your prey from behind and grab them by the neck before they can escape.

So Abby dragged the show and pretty much anyone else in her orbit on that post.  She even accused the producers of not knowing how to dance, but one of them got right on Twitter all like “Nuh Uh I took dance lessons and paid my rent with these moves, girlfriend.”

My boy even posted this told-you-so video which is so lo-res it will probably give you cataracts.

I shot him a text to get the HD version but he never answers the phone when he’s doing crunches because, you know…summer’s coming, bitch.

And then I don’t even know what happened next.

Abby went on a gazillion tv shows talking smack about everyone except me.  Or maybe even me.

It was like every channel was showing Abby Lee Miller at the beginning of the week.

There was even more #SocialMediaShade while Nia and Holly tried to calm the tide a little with a #NoCyberBullying post that got cyberbullied.

I know, right?

Nobody likes getting in the mud, but sometimes you gotta stand up for your beliefs, y’all.

And I was watching the whole thing like…

And then barely 48 hours later, they announced that Season 7B, which was done and in the can (…that’s industry lingo, BTW…) was suddenly back in production for at least one more month with Cheryl Burke taking over the reigns as Dance Coach.

Wait.  What?

You remember Cheryl.

We LOVE her.

She’s the lady from Dancing With The Stars who saved a horse by riding Drew Lachey to the top of the Leader Board.  They won the coveted Grand Champions Mirror Ball during Season Two, which she celebrated by performing a salsa routine while wearing a diaper.  You can’t make this s*** up.

Full Disclosure:  She doesn’t need diapers, but they paid her and her butt looked amazeballs.

Full Disclosure 2:  Not gonna lie.  If my butt could look as good as Cheryl’s I’d be rocking these so hard right now even though it looks like a lot of work to get both legs in securely.

Cheryl and a big football player took home a second Mirror Ball the next season and then she started drawing the short straw a few times.

Can you say Tom DeLay?

‘Merica.

Or when she got stuck with that Olympian who thought that if he dyed his hair back nobody would remember he went Number 1 all over the wall of a Rio gas station. 

Remember when that big dude jumped the barrier while Ryan Lochte and Cheryl were getting their scores?  Look at Lochte run like a little girl.

Even Cheryl couldn’t believe her life right there.And now she’s on Dance Moms!

And now Ashlee is skyping TMZ talking more shizz about why she and Brynn left the show and then supposedly (…or maybe not…) turning around and going back on set the next day to film.

Side note:  Look at the TMZ bus and Ashlee both blowing hot air all over Hollywood Blvd. Hit that Twitter follow button, people.  Plenty of room.

I dunno.

It’s exhausting.  No bus fume pun intended.

I love all them kids and all them Moms.  And the show straight up gives me #LIFE.

But I dunno what’s real and what’s not and who hates who (…whom?…) or what really happened.  Nobody does, except the people who lived it.  And it’s real for them.

So I guess the rest of us are just gonna have to wait for additional updates.

Or maybe I’ll just keep making up more stuff.

Stay tuned and we’ll see.

But for now…signing off from Dance Moms TV.

Good news.

Good night.

And straighten those damn feet, will ya?

Dance Moms: Holy Toledo, Batman! It’s Another Chance To Blame It All On Ohio…Or Maybe Just That New Girl.

Wednesday, March 12th, 2014

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Just saying I’m into stocky guys and dudes with funny hats. Think we can make this happen?

 

 

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Lawd have mercy. I’m gonna have to write a whole other book just to get that outta my head.

 

 

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I don’t recall that Dr. Beyoncé lady’s hair looking like that last year on the Zenith. Do you, Bernice?

 

 

c2

 

 

 

It’s called a smokey eye. Doesn’t anyone read Cosmopolitan Magazine anymore?

 

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Haters gonna hate. But sometimes it’s just good to be Jill. It’s ok to be jealz.

 

 

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Srsly. What the hell? A haunted house? I never had to put up with all this s*** in Miami, bitches.

 

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OhMyGod! We took the wrong dog home from the nursing home last night!

 

 

 

Finally.

Mystery solved.

I think I finally figured out what’s on that sheet of paper that Melissa is always holding during competitions.  When she isn’t texting, I mean.

She must be keeping track of all the new faces that come and go through the revolving door of the ALDC.  That has to be what she’s doing.  Because without some kind of spreadsheet I don’t think that even Abby Lee Miller could remember who gets to keep their logo tank tops for another week and who has to wash and return them before hitting the road.  Don’t cut the tags off just yet, kids.

Dance Moms was back this week with yet another stray child attempting to score a permanent locker and snappy track jacket of their own.  And the pressure was building.

Because Eight is great.  And Nine is fine.  But then again…there’s Ten.

I don’t know if they were referring to winning streaks or newbie dancers, but everyone kept rhyming stuff for the full hour like it was Seussical the Musical.

Good Golly, Miss Molly.  Buy that book by Dr. Holly.

This week started out in the lobby again, with Abby and her trusty sidekick Gianna chilling and gossiping and doing everything they could possibly think of to avoid having to organize that hot mess of a front desk.

Four seasons later, I’m beginning to realize that parking lot potholes and front desk clutter are two things I’m going to have to come to terms with or I’ll drive myself crazy.

Abby let Gia know that yet another spunky new kid would be joining them this week for a test run.  Fallon and her Mom Cheryl from the Orlando Open Call Auditions.

And in they came.  All polite and sparkly and excited to be in Pittsburgh.

Sidenote:  Do these little tykes all wear glitter eyeliner to school, too?  Or do they put in on the car on the way to rehearsals?  I’m never really sure if it’s 7am or 7pm when everyone shows up at the studio, so I’m just throwing that one out there.

And then it was time for the Pyramid of Shame.  And to introduce Fallon to the Team.

c

Did you see Nia‘s little half-wave?  Amazing.  I couldn’t tell if Sasha couldn’t be bothered putting the effort into a full-on ‘Howdy’ since it was already pretty clear that Fallon would be gone by next week, or if she just didn’t dare fall out of military formation.  You know how the General can be during inspection.

But it’s also the International Year of the Nia, so she’s got a lot on her plate right now.

Regardless, it was fabulous.  Hi.  Yeah.  Whatev.

Kalani was MIA.  Which I didn’t understand, since she still shows up on some of the kid’s Instagrams.  Which totally just sounded like I creep young girl’s Instagram accounts.

Which I don’t do.  Because it’s called Research, thank you very much.

Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Kendall, Chloe and Nia.  Kendall had pulled a measly Ninth Place last week, so she’s lucky Abby didn’t add a 4th row to the Pyramid just for her.  Chloe had done the same turn for ten minutes in the Improv Dance-Off part of the competition, while Nia only did half a turn before she got cut, so I didn’t have high hopes for my girls this week.  There’s always next time, little buckeroos.

The middle row was tag teamed by Fallon and Mackenzie‘s pouty Kardashian face.  I forget why Fallon made it that high up in her first 4 minutes with the ALDC because Melissa started doing that hyper-fast stress blinking that she always does when she’s about to lose her nutty on someone and it really distracted me for a second.

Mackenzie was given props for having that crazy seizure on stage and giving Face, Face and More Face.  I totally called that one last week, by the way.

And then Maddie was on top.  She’ll probably be on top next week, too, if you have somewhere to be at 9pm.

Special shout out to Holly and her new sweater ensemble.  And her sassy pants.

Because she definitely had her sassy pants on this week.  Oh, snap.

Seriously.  When Abby first revealed Fallon taped above Nia on the Pyramid and Holly put her hands on her hips and got all OhHellNo, she kind of looked like Clair Huxtable pretending to be Wonder Woman standing on a rock overlooking Paradise Island wondering why all her kids are late for dinner again when she clearly stated 6pm.

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Did that even make any sense?

And to my other MomCrush Jill, who seems to have finally gotten her hair under control and when she dials down some of the fur accessories is looking pretty damn fly.  Did you see her in that red dress at the competition?  Dang, girl.  Werk those Spanx.  Hubba.

We.  Love.  Jill.  Dot-Com.

This week the gang was headed to another In10sity Dance Competition in Toledo, Ohio.

Yeah.  That Ohio.

Candy Apples turf.  And you know how Abby gets when Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein shows up on the playground.

Kendall and Fallon scored solos.  The group routine was called Red With Envy.  Cheryl is a hard 40+ years old.  And her boobs are real.

Because Christi asked.  So there you go.

While all the Moms were in the MomPerch looking at Cheryl’s chest, Chaos Cathy and her team were up in Ohio working out their own kinks.

Bad A** choreographer Blake McGrath was gone.  Off getting another skull tattoo or something.  And in his place was some hottie from Los Angeles named Erin, who you could tell was making the two male dancers act a little dorky.

Especially Zack Attack Torres, who had somehow inexplicably grown at least 2 feet taller since the last time we saw him and was a Real Boy now.  Holy Growth Spurt, Pinocchio.

But let’s be honest.  All that really mattered was Cathy’s smokey eye.

I know, right?  What was that all about?  It was a little less like a Jersey nail tech and whole lot more like some shaky priest had completely missed her forehead on Ash Wednesday.  I had to walk away for a minute just to wash my face.

The only thing that could really top that was a trip to an assisted living center.

It was time to go visit Abby’s Mom Maryen Lorraine Miller and put on a quick improv show for the residents of The Sterling House.  And for Abby to yell at some old people.

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The serious part:  We miss Maryen, who passed away in February.  She proved that she was sharp as a tack right to the end, sitting there all coiffed and hair bowed, and it was clear how much all the girls loved her as they stampeded in with glitter cards and warm fuzzy hugs.  Her contribution to the world of dance can’t be ignored and she will live on forever in the hearts of young dancers everywhere.

The not quite so serious part:  There was a dead dog on the bed.

Shut.  Up.  Broadway Baby was back.  Stuffed and just chilling out on the blanket like nothing had happened.  It was so wrong on so many levels that it almost seemed right.

It was also nice to see that no matter how old you get, you still don’t have to listen to your Mother as Abby tossed Mackenzie’s live dog (…butt first, of course…) right in Maryen’s face before scooping him up again and dumping the tiny pup right on top of Broadway Baby despite Maryen begging her not to tread on sacred territory.

Luckily the little dog caught the scent of cellophane wrapped Grandma Candy and scooted across the bed before he soiled the Broadway Baby shrine in any way.  Because I know what you expected him to do.  And it probably would have been hilarious.

The girls then did a quick Improv Dance-Off, complete with a grand finale Nia Frazier Death Drop.  Which seemed like an odd message to send to residents of an assisted living center, but I’m not here to judge.

As the competition drew closer, the ALDC rehearsals grew more stressful but remained fairly uneventful.  Fallon had trouble remembering which foot was the Right one and Kendall learned that if she didn’t place in the Top Five this week it wouldn’t be pretty.

And speaking of pretty, thanks to Christi we also learned that Jill likes to keep herself ‘fresh,’ which I believe is MomCode for Restylane fillers.

Remember that time when Jill wrapped her belly in saran wrap?  The man on QVC says that shrink wrapping all your squishy stuff will definitely extend its shelf life.

The More You Know, kids.  Just keeping it Real.  And keeping it Fresh.

Finally, it was Showtime!

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At the Collingwood Arts Center.  Which I think was supposed to be spelled ‘Collinwood.’ 

Like the mansion in Dark Shadows.  Where Barnabas Collins lived.  Who was a vampire.  Wait.  What?

Can someone explain what this place was all about?  Because I have no clue.  It was almost as if the In10sity guys forgot to put down a deposit and ended up having to run the show out of someone’s house.  There were secret hallways.  A million doors.  Everyone was bumping into each other trying to get to the bathroom.

Did you see the actual performances?  The stage looked like someone had just pushed the couches out of the way and made the kids all dance under emergency generator lighting.  And I’m not even exaggerating for once.

There was even a hand coming out of the wall trying to grab Brigette Triana‘s head.

On the bus ride over, Cheryl had casually mentioned that she didn’t actually bring anything for Fallon to wear during her solo.  Holly made some of her best HollyFaces yet while Melissa proved that she had clearly mastered the art of being snarky without even looking up from an iPhone.  Meow, girls.  Me.  Ow.

So that meant that Abby had to go to Macy’s and buy an armload of dresses in a last minute panic.  Good thing they have a One Day Sale every weekend.

And then it was really, finally, Showtime!

Chaos Cathy sent out a tiny shirtless boy for her solo contribution.  She basically broke up the Gavin/Mackenzie Morales salsa set and made the brother do all the heavy lifting this week.  He could use a few bicep curls, but otherwise he did great.

Kendall rocked her solo, while newbie Fallon didn’t even know where she was.  That kid was lucky she even made it onto the stage before forgetting her entire routine.

Abby tried to coerce the two dudes in charge of the event to disqualify Fallon on the spot because she was such a mess, but they weren’t buying it.  Some nonsense about rules or something.

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Nice hat, by the way.

A couple of times during the event, Jill and Cathy went a few rounds, but it was pretty tame compared to previous water tossing, pocketbook swinging confrontations.  Cathy seems to have lost her will to live lately.  Especially when you’re trapped inside a venue where municipal fire codes only allow seven people in a room at one time.

And then she panicked.  Cathy cut the CADC group number right as the kids had one foot on the stage.  Because if you know you can’t win at something, it’s always better to just take all your toys and go home instead of striving to be the best you can be under less than perfect conditions.  Or at least I think that was the teaching moment.

Somehow, Fallon pulled a Third Place by simply wandering around stage for two minutes.

Sign me up for that gig.  I love trophies.

Kendall lost out to Gavin by 1/10th of a point as they pulled in Second and First Place respectively.  But still a major victory for girls who cry too easily and skinny boys everywhere.

The ALDC group routine brought in another First Place.  Boom.

Backstage, everyone was screaming and hugging and high-fiving each other like it was the Superbowl.  Except for Holly, who got left hanging with both hands up in the air and nobody to palm slap.  Anyone else notice that one?

Girlfriend.  Love you.  Mean it.  But you’re like 8 feet tall in heels.  What kid is gonna hit that target?  They’re dancers, not Globetrotters.  I did get up off the couch and give you ten so you didn’t feel left out, if that makes you feel any better.

Next time…low five on da side, yo.

And then Abby sent Fallon home without even a consolation prize.  Thanks for playing.

Cathy whined a little more and then grabbed the crosstown to get the heck outta there before Brigette freaked out.  Yet another loss for the Candy Apples.

Time for Lady Killer Lucas to bring his heart breaking skills to Pittsburgh, I think.  And bring Pinocchio with you.  He can stick his head out the sun roof.

And then it was over.  Ten if you’re counting.

Next week?  Drag Queens.

Now we’re talking.

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