Posts Tagged ‘Canton’s Jerky King’

Dance Moms: Holy Moly, Chloe! It Was Starbound To Happen Sooner Or Later. But Can You Really Go Home Again?

Thursday, February 23rd, 2017

nia

 

 

I just can’t believe it’s been 7 years and they still haven’t filled one pothole in this parking lot.

 

 

ch

 

 

This kitchen remod is way over budget. Put your shoes on, girls…it’s time to go snatch up some Lifetime coins.

 

 

jill

 

 

 

Did I tell you that I’m dropping a hip, new musical video this week? It’s already on my FacePage.

 

 

 

 

 

So ignore it. Do it anyways. Prove them wrong. And read DanThat’sCool. Hear that, haters?

 

 

cns4

 

 

A few treats from Canton’s Jerky King in the gopher trap and just like that I got a new fur stole.

 

 

ab

 

 

 

FYI. Sing Sing’s an all-male, maximum security prison, you idiot. But Mama does like her boys.

 

S01-E01_15-06

 

 

 

We were gonna show up, too, but that one couldn’t find her phone and they left without us.

 

 

 

Quick question.

Asking for a friend, of course.
chloe

Dat’s rite.

We’re back.  At least for one week, anyway.

So try to contain your enthusiasm…fDaXui9…because it’s really happening, people.

The long awaited reveal of the worst kept secret in the history of Reality TV.

And me finally getting off my lazy a** to recap Dance Moms like the good ol’ days.

Double Whammy.

Deuces

And it’s all because Chloe Lukasiak is back in the hizzle, yo.Dance-1Dq6V_f-maxage-0_zpsnafcxcymI know, right?

But first…

Dance-Moms-6x15-Recap-Melissa-should-be-sorryI know I’ve been slacking on this blog lately.  Bigly.

trump-dismissive-gif

Fact:  I missed you guys.  F’realz.

Alternative Fact:  Unfortunately, this hot mess of a site has catapulted me into such a stratospheric new level of #SuperStardom that I no longer have time for the little people anymore.

I’m kind of a big deal now.

putting-on-sunglasses-white-purple-wowtumblr_niujn0MVjB1tb8iyko1_500Or not, maybe.

Closer to the actual truth might be the fact that Lifetime TV (…and that lady in the orange…) still refuse to pay my rent each month, which means I’m required to continue working a real job in the real world for a real small paycheck.

An annoyance which has seriously cut into quality couch time in front of my widescreen.

Don’t get me wrong, tho.

I’m sure Lifetime would be more than willing to compensate me for all this hilarity if a certain Executive Producer wasn’t pissing away all the profits on gym memberships and designer LensCrafters frames.

But you didn’t hear that from me.bstgiphy-1Kidding.  He’s my boy.  It’s all good.

And if he thinks they makes him look like Clark Kent on Casual Friday…whatever.

Side note:  Did we ever get an answer as to why Melissa and Jill wore the same hair that day?

Jill_and_Melissa_-_Season_5_Reunion

What was that all about?

Side note 2:  Remember when they used to film the Reunion Shows in Kelly‘s basement?  That was back when Jill did her own hair.  BRAND_LFT_DMOM_110987_CRS_2997_060_20130920_V1_HD_768x432-16x9But they fancy now.  Real Housewives of Pittsburgh 4Life.

And as far as the MIA Dance Moms recaps, it’s not like we lost touch during my absence.

To the contrary, actually.

I heard from many of you on social media.

dance-moms-season-7-premiere-recap-remember-thistumblr_novr40oSA11uvr2ddo1_500dance-moms-7x08-recap-dance-mom-holly-frazier-gets-annoyedgotohell

You know.  The usual.giphy copy 4But now we’re all back together again.  In Pittsburgh.  Where it all began.

The birthplace of the ALDC.

And home to the ALDC.  But not the same ALDC.  Pay attention…because it’s confusing.

Turns out the Pittsburgh Abby Lee Dance Company is now the Appolonia Leake Dance Company.

Or at least on paper and in Yelp reviews.  Everything else still has the old name all over it.

One.  The fact that they found someone with the exact same initials to sign the lease is amazing.  If it’s a lease, I mean.  One Instagram account says Ms. Leake owns the ALDC now.

Two.  It’s not this Apollonia.

purple-rain-4The one riding on the back of Prince‘s motorcycle in Purple Rain spells her name with one ‘P’ and two ‘Ls’ and should be wearing a helmet.

The one that is slowly painting over all evidence that Abby Lee Miller ever stepped foot in the building is spelled with two ‘Ps’ and one ‘L.’  Because, of course it is.

Look at Abby ’bout ready to rip that damn sign right off the wall.

aldcSide note:  If they still have that Reign Dance Production marquee up on the highway, I’m not playing anymore.  Don’t even ask me where the Maryen Lorraine Dance Studio fits into all this mess.
7R0F35ORegardless.  E’rryone is back in PA for Nationals.  Because, you know.  The Road to Nationals.

As Holly and Nia Sioux took in the view from the parking lot, marveling at the gutted out flat top pavement and subzero temperatures, Abby was inside getting ready to not run the Pyramid of Shame.

potholeYou can’t see it in that photo, but Holly was wearing an 84K diamond cocktail necklace at 2 in the afternoon.  Because she can now.  And she did.

Remember when Nia was so little she used to disappear in those parking lot cracks  like they were sink holes?  Our little Sasha is all growed up like wicked big now.

Tumblr_lxm6cgZKhM1qmsq6vOnce everyone made it inside, all the girls fell into Beyoncé Formation one last time.

At least in Pittsburgh.  The whole show was in kind of a TMZ flux during filming.

Look at this and tell me you don’t feel old.

rehost-2016-9-13-93cc7c74-ed62-4578-b0bd-c4e7ca7f4e92lineupWhat the what with these little kids—?

And don’t tell me that it wasn’t a complete mindf*** to see all those new Moms mixed in with the Few & the Proud remaining Original Recipe Moms, all standing at the same Pure Barre railing that Mackenzie used to bump her head on every week.

Especially this Mom.

bowWho’s the perfect toxic mash-up of that lady who always screams at her kids…

54eaa11ab4bf2_-_h-wd1109-kate-gosselin-2…and that other lady who was always in the top/middle spot on Hollywood Squares.

RoseMarieI mean, c’mon.

bow1This is when I really wish Joan Rivers was still alive.

Oh.  And it was Pashmina Poncho Day at the ALDC.  But only for the OGs.

ponchoI’m not even sure who this kid is.  I don’t think she’s danced in the last 3 weeks, has she?dShe seems nice, tho.

And look at these two niblets.mini

As previously noted, there was so much to do this week (…Nationals!…) that Abby decided it was best to skip the Pyramid and get right down to bidnezz, which kind of disappointed me since I was really looking forward to one last creaky, dusty PA Pyramid.

687474703a2f2f696d61676573322e77696b69612e6e6f636f6f6b69652e6e65742f5f5f636232303133303430313134323734362f64616e63656d6f6d732f696d616765732f662f66652f5330312d4530315f30342d34322e6a7067#NeverForget.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  When the temperature drops, the fur comes out and the Bump-It goes up.

jillj2Fact:  It’s more accurate than the Weather Channel.  And if I’m lying, I’m dying.

This week (…at Nationals!…) Lilly, Elliana, Kalani and Brynn all scored solos, which meant that the two most senior members of the ALDC Team got nada.

reallyNia’s #SrslyFace is straight up #Goals.

Kendall didn’t seem as concerned, tho, probably because this was the week her new music video was going to be premiered to a throng of screaming young girls who shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a nightclub that has open liquor bottles displayed on the wall.

Spoiler Alert:

tumblr_olr1upJLds1tb8iyko1_500Q.  Where would I be without you?

But Nia and Kendall would at least be part of the Big Girl group routine (…cryptically entitled “Is There Still Hope?”…) where they would all portray characters from the seedier side of the PA streets.

Kalani was going to be the junkie.  KK schizophrenic.  Brynn was developing an eating disorder.  Newbie Camryn would rep the prostitutes.

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And Nia was going to be in a gang, because…LaQuifa What?

imagestumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500reallySwear to Gawd.  Seven years later and Abby’s still trying to make her wear that lace front.

Full disclosure:  Initially, the group routine was going to be a number about conquering cancer, but Abby had forgotten that the girls had already sung that song with a pink ribbon way back in the old’n days.

Once the Moms reminded her that she was about to recycle a routine, Abby went and sat on her crash pad until Nia’s gang dance came to her in a vision.

a1abby dancing 2

#CrashPadMemories.  Good times.

And then the internet started to break:

Our first glimpse of Chloe and Christi and no-longer-a-baby Baby Clara.

First in a flashback, which explained the Lukasiaks’ Season 4 departure, but did nothing to address what exactly was happening in the back of Abby’s hair while Christi was ripping her a new one…

fb1…and then in a flashforward (…I think that should have been two words…) which made me a little emotional for my Toddlers & Tiaras crew.

Dance Moms:
tToddlers & Tiaras:

A-past-contestant-seen-on-Toddlers--Tiaras._gallery_primary

Dance Moms:c2

Toddlers & Tiaras:Toddlers_And_Tiaras_Recap

Dance Moms:claraLook at how big Clara got.  That’s crazy pants.

Long story short.  This…

tumblr_mebsdpvAYP1rytq3ko1_500…turned into this when nobody was looking.

c3Casa Lukasiak got a kitchen makeover with a pretty pricey refrigerator.

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And this is a good color on Christi.ch4A Million Bonus Points:  That strategically placed Teen Choice Award surfboard was EVERYthing.

Remember when Chloe scored that giant foam slab in 2015 and so many girls screamed that all the neighborhood dogs started running in circles?  The Library was open on that Read when she read Abby at the podium, right?

Chloe-Lukasiak-teen-choice-winner-00

And her stunt double got one, too, which I thought was nice.  You don’t think our girl did 4 years of Christi vs. Abby fight scenes without some help, do you?  b083fe9562de173bc8d22e

A Million More Bonus Points:  After deciding to crash the Nationals party, Chloe said that if things got out of control, maybe the Federal Government could help them with Abby.

#OhNoSheDin’t.

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoaMeanwhile, back at the ALDC, all the wrong Moms were up in the Original MomPerch all sitting in the wrong MomSpots.  Shout out to Holly for snagging her end seat, tho.  All those years running into a crowded school cafeteria finally paid off.  Dat’s my seat, yo.

dance-moms-holly-melissa

The new Moms gnawed on each others’ necks for awhile after finding out that Lilly’s Dad was doing the vocals on her solo music.  Which I guess would be an issue if her Dad was Nat King Cole or something.

But he’s not.  So relax.

mI literally can’t stop looking at that hair.

m1Look at Yolanda.  You know she wants to.

Public Service Announcement:  Brace yourselves, ladies.  Put your trays in the upright position and fix your lip gloss, cuz we’re all about to experience a #ZackAttack.

zToddlers_And_Tiaras_RecapI know, right?  So dreamy.

Little Zack Torres is now Big Zack Torres and he just made his triumphant return to the Candy Apples!

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Look at Ava back there.   She knows wassup.

z1I probably could’ve done without Cougar Cathy Nesbitt-Stein pointing out what a #ZackSnack he was in front of all the kids…but she’s old, not dead.  So I guess…you know.

cnsGot enough crap on those shelves?

And this Mom was back again.

haleySide note:  I realize that every time Melanie‘s on the show I point out how she once knocked over my soda at a Boston Food Court and just kept walking like she had somewhere to go, but I feel it needs constant repeating because it cost me almost $1.50 in gym bag change.

This Mom returned, too.

zzzzSssssh.  Don’t wake her.  She’s resting up for a Throw Down later.

The CADC group routine was going to be about Abduction and Human Trafficking, which was a heavy and emotionally disturbing subject to everyone.  Especially 20 years ago when the ALDC did it with a playground swing.  But, again…I’m not judging.  Out loud.

I’m not even sure who this Mom is, but she experienced abduction in her own family and that is both heartbreaking and not cool, so she was allowed to get emotional.

taraKeep your kids close.  Nobody should have to go through that.  Ever.

Alternative Fact:  I think I forgot to mention that Cathy was positively gleeful at the possibility of Abby ending up in Sing Sing when all the financial drama reached Sentencing.

You might to Google that before you go on CNN, honey.cns1Bonus MomPerch footage:  Please tell me you saw that interaction between Kira and Ashlee when Kira was all like ‘Don’t even tell me you’re gonna put that whole thing in you mouth all at once…”

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And Ashlee was all like “Watch me…”ka1

And Kira was all like “OhMyGod you totally did it.  How ’bout you chew your food?…”kiraAnd then Holly was all like #HollyFace.khaDisclaimer:  Kidding.

You know I love Ashlee even though she stopped following me on Twitter.  And let’s be real.  Whatever she was inhaling looked mighty tasty, so scoot over and break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar.

And then we were off to Kendall K’s music video premiere!!!!

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Starring Jill!
v

And more Jill!
v1And even more Jill!

tumblr_inline_mj71f0nIBR1qg907pGo home, Jill.  You’re drunk.

tumblr_olr1x3c44W1tb8iyko1_500Disclaimer(s):  You know Jill Vertes will always be my MomCrush.  Your arguments are invalid.

And I guess Kendall K’s actual…actual…online music video looks completely different and actually stars Kendall K.  So I’m not really sure what they premiered.  Or why Abby was selling merch in the lobby like it was a Grateful Dead tour.  Maybe she’s just a little short on cash.

(Too soon?)

Side note:  Not gonna lie.  I thought Abby was shaving Kate Gosselin’s back in this clip until I realized she was just autographing some of the DeadHead t-shirts.  You can’t even make this stuff up anymore.

akateThe next day, after a tearful last look at the ALDC studio in the rearview mirror, it was Showtime!

In an airplane hangar.  On the Planet Hoth.

Look at how far away the makeup tables were from the front door.

airAnd look at how how cold it was in there.

giphy-1actumblr_myulqp8MPg1r93xiko6_r1_500ahI’m pretty sure this show stopped making sense somewhere around the middle of Season One.

Everybody was freezing, which I guess would explain why the emcee’s cheeks were so pink during the Red Carpet photo op.  Careful with that mic, dude.

sb  You know what happened the last time somebody shoved something in her face.

ReJtLxHAnd then Cathy & Co. stampeded through the ALDC makeup hangar like they always do, pushing over both the vinyl banner and Holly’s last button.

hfThat’s enough Candy Apple nonsense for me, thank you very much.

Side note:  Isn’t this copyright infringement?

cokeCoca-cola advertLooks like Abby might have a roommate in Sing Sing after all.

And then Abby kinda sorta mentally shut down and didn’t even bother to give the girls their normal pre-game pep talk, which got an already frustrated Holly even more frustrated.

harmFact:  She’s literally been waving that right arm in the air for 7 years.

And then finally, it was really Showtime!

Programming Note:  Since we’re running a little long given the 2 hour broadcast, I’ll try to trim the fat to speed up the process.

Zack’s makeup was on point.

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Zack’s Mom.  When your son has better contouring than you, why even bother.torres

I love Gina.

Human Prop Vivi-Anne was back to reclaim her title as Miss Human Abduction Prop 2017.

vivZack scooped her up faster than Chunky Monkey on Ben & Jerry’s Free Cone Day.  I love Vivi-Anne almost as much as she loves ice cream.  Which is a lot.  And more than dancing.

giphy-2Why this kid doesn’t have a sitcom yet, I swear…

Lilly’s Dad looks like the guy from The Commish after he shaved his head.  And her brother’s gonna be a heart breaker once he stops sleeping with a retainer.

familylillyThis random guy’s eyebrows, tho.  I just can’t.  And neither can Kira.

eyeWait for it…

cc1

There’s Holly’s right arm again.armWait for it…

cc2There was even some dancing, but you’re gonna have to Google the results.  You know the rules.

minis khh aldc l2Wait for it…

cccryKate Gosselin almost punched out that other Mom after the competition.

push fightAnd then…

Wait for it…

wait-whatOk. Now.

maxresdefault tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko1_500 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko3_400 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko2_400Everyone.  Lost.  Their.  Minds.

Holly was a #HotMess.

hjc

Jill wasn’t sure how she felt about Christi’s off-the-shoulder peasant dress.jc

Chloe was thinking about getting back into competition mode.compete

Christi already needed a drink. clThere were hugs and kisses and screams and more hugs and more kisses and more screaming.

And then just like that…it was over.

Or was it?  Is it?

Chloe was back.

Or was she?

Can you really go home again?

To be continued…

Lolppo

Dance Moms: Live From Ohio…It’s Saturday Night! With Maddie Gone, It’s Mackenzie’s Time To Shine. Or Is It?

Wednesday, April 1st, 2015

mj

 

 

You can wear my feather vest for your little dance, sweetie, but I’ll need it back when you’re done.

 

 

tt

 

 

I know, right? It’s 40 below and we’re out here wearing glitter tube tops. I swear this show is crazy!

 

 

am

 

 

Sitting here all afternoon made me hungry. I could sure go for some cake right about now.

 

 

mk

 

 

I’m waaay smarter. But apparently nobody wants a Spelling Bee Champ to host stupid SNL.

 

 

bb

 

 

I don’t care if it is Black & White Day. Mama paid good money for these brown boots, ‘kay?

 

 

ck

 

 

So I told the lady at the Kelly Hyland Bakery Shop to just slap her damn face on a cake. Literally.

 

 

kn

 

 

I don’t know about you, gurl, but Imma ’bout ready to cut a CD and blow this popsicle stand.

 

 

hf

 

 

I certainly wouldn’t have had such a big lunch if I’d known they were gonna be serving tasty cake.

 

 

 

So much to do.

You know how it is right before you go on a big trip.

Between setting itineraries, packing up all your bling and coordinating transportation to the airport, there’s barely enough time to catch your breath, much less recreate the Closing Ceremonies of the 2012 London Olympics or pick on an innocent child’s floppy ears.

But somehow, Dance Moms managed to get it all done this week.

And still have time for cake.

With only seven days to go before ALDCLA: The Sequel, everyone was running in circles trying to get it together before the action shifted back to the West Coast.  After a less than stellar showing the last time they hit the Hollywood Hills, Abby Lee Miller was determined that the team leave Pittsburgh with one more win under their belt.

Which meant that this week’s World-Class Talent Experience was more important than ever to Abby.  Not only because it was being held on enemy turf (…Ohio, home of Canton’s Jerky King and the Evil Dance Lair know as Candy Apples…) but also because she just hates losing.  Period.

With so much to do there wasn’t even time to scotch tape any head shots up on the mirror for the Pyramid of Shame, so in an oddly unscientific Facial Recognition Experiment, Abby just held up each photo like a flash card until someone finally recognized their own outfit and snatched it out of her hand.  She said it was supposed to be like Chorus Line, but it reminded me more of when Cornelius and Zira first splash landed on Earth from the Planet of the Apes and got put into that psych lab to see how smart they were.

ba

Spoiler Alert:  Education played a big role in this week’s episode.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  I think this one might have happened before the opening credits even finished, because as soon as the show started we already knew that Maddie was in New York rehearsing for an upcoming Saturday Night Live performance with her new bestie Sia.

Side note:  Did we ever figure out who babysits Maddie while she’s off on all these solo road trips?  I forget.  I know she’s not old enough to have her own credit card for Ramada check-ins yet.  And I’m pretty sure she doesn’t actually stay at Sia’s house, though imagining them both going to sleep standing in a corner facing the wall does make me laugh.  I’m just curious, that’s all.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  She’s my MomCrush, so she could put a Target bag on her head and I’d still think she was da bomb.  But she did have it going on this week.

Holly Frazier Fashion Watch:  Wait.  What?  Check your rear view mirror, Jill, because Dr. Beyoncé was giving us Rachel Zoe SohoBohoBigHat Realness this week.

Oh.  My.  Gawd.  It was Ba.  Na. Nas.  Bananas.

Kendall Vertes Fashion Watch:  An unexpected winner.  When your double Boo Boo Kitty animal print band-aids not only match your outfit, but also every outfit on every member of your dance troupe, than your fashion game is on point.

JoJo and MackZ scored solos for the upcoming competition, as well as getting to dance in the Spice Girls group number.  Tell you what I want.  What I really, really want.

sg

Yup…’ello Govnah.  Those Spice Girls.  And it worked perfectly.  Like the real Spice Girls were somehow magically shrinky-dinked down into pee wee size and then spit back out onto the dance floor.

Kendall:  Posh Spice.  Kalani:  Sporty Spice.  Nia:  Scary Spice.  JoJo:  Baby Spice.

Mackenzie:  NotMaddie Spice.

Kidding.  She was Ginger Spice.  But it did open up a whole new MomPerch discussion on who Mackenzie really was…or would be…if she got the opportunity to step outside of Maddie’s ever widening shadow of stardom.  MackZ?  Mackenzie Boo?  Just Plain ol’ Mackenzie?  Kenzie?  The Other One?

Even her solo was going to be an introspective owl-themed ‘Hoo Are Yoo?’ routine that would hopefully address the issue.  Clearly, ever since Maddie put on that white wig and hid behind the living room drapes, tiny Mackenzie has been suffering a bit of an identity crisis.  We love her, tho.  What we need is a Girl Party to prove it!

As the girls got to rehearsing, we scooted over to Ohio to meet yet another choreographer for the Candy Apples.  I think this one was Cathy’s sister-in-law.  Or pharmacist.  Or Uber driver.  I forget.  She goes through them faster than I go through Twitter followers.

(And srsly?  You’re gonna unfollow me because I made a One Direction joke?  I’m pretty sure you’ll never date Zayn Malik whether he stayed in the band or not.  And aren’t you the same person who was gonna marry Justin Bieber two years ago?  Whatev.)

mh

Back in PA, the Moms were concerned that the Spice Girls routine was perfect for prepping the girls for another LA adventure, but not necessarily something that could win against a Candy Apples team that was hand-picked by Abby and then tossed to the curb during last season’s Open Call Auditions.  The general consensus was that Abby was setting the team up to lose when Maddie was MIA.  Because the contract clearly states that the team is not allowed to lose when Maddie is participating in the dances.

It’s in there.  I swear.  Right before the paragraph about slapping the studio owner.

(You might wanna hold that thought for a couple more minutes.  Trust me.)

Side note:  When Holly said “Who knows what it can reach” they close captioned her like she was Honey Boo Boo Child or something.  What was that all about?  She’s the only one I ever understand on this show.

During the conversation, it should also be noted that Melissa slipped in and out of consciousness a number of times, robotically repeating “She’s Abby Lee Miller We Must Assimilate” over and over like she was some kind of PittsBorg.

(That’s a freakin hysterical Star Trek reference that I don’t have time to explain, BTW.)

With two days to go before the competition, things were heating up.  Except in Ohio, where it snowed the entire time.  Anyone notice that?  Total white-out snow emergency in Canton while the fall leaves were still piling up in the ALDC potholes back in Pittsburgh.

Global Warming, kids.  The More You Know.  Education.h

And don’t even get me started on when Cathy slammed my girl Nia’s dance skills.  “All my Candy Apple dancers are amazing.  I don’t have any Nias”.  AwHellNah.

Guuurl, you do NOT want me to take off my Rachel Zoe hat right now.

Side note:  I’m still patiently waiting for the Dance Moms spin-off based on whatever Ohio beauty parlor it is that still does those haircuts and dye jobs.  Because that show would be off the damn chain.  I would watch that show so hard.

And then Abby basically blamed home schooling for MackZ’s inability to remember four minutes of choreography and now I’m just waiting for my entire website to slow down.

Because that totally happened last time when everyone on both sides of the argument started fighting over the pros and cons of homeschooling in the comment section.

Thanks a lot, Abby.  I might as well just call my tech guy now and get in the queue.

Side note:  In the heat of the battle, Melissa blurted out that Mackenzie was a lot smarter than Maddie educationally.  Really.  They should have subtitled that one instead, because I was totally all like WhatDidSheJustSay?  I’m pretty sure she didn’t mean it to sound the way it came out.  And you know how Lifetime loves their new editing software.

You could tell Holly wanted to smack her on the nose with a rolled up PhD thesis.

Finally…thankfully…it was Showtime!

And time for those screaming sidewalk kids I love so much.  That little one trying to get a high-five out of Abby almost burst whatever that vein in the side of your forehead is called.

g 2

Side note:  How how about Tessa‘s Mom and that red cocktail dress?

Dang, Reneé.  Somebody does Pilates.  I was going to say something about her hair and maybe point out that she was wearing the same Jack the Ripper throat slash choker again (…does she sleep in that thing?…) but then I got a load of those guns and now I’m all set.

Moving on.  Fast.

MackZ’s ForTheLastTimeI’mNotMaddie dance went really well.  She still did that handstand in a circle thing a billion times, which I thought we had already agreed made her routines seem too juvenile and would be removed going forward, but maybe I made that up in my head.  I’m more jealous that I can’t do it than I am concerned about her actually Bringing Bumble Bee Back…but, still.

Jessalynn, who somewhere along the line stopped being a complete whack job and started making more sense than anyone in my circle of friends, pointed out that those kind of tricks aren’t really cute once you grow up.  Since I still get very uncomfortable every Thanksgiving when my Aunt busts out her handstand in a circle thing right before we say Grace, I have to side with Jess on this one.

JoJo’s ‘Fancy’ solo was custom built for her, even though I’m not a big fan of MC Hammer pants.  She was definitely Too Legit To Quit.

Side note:  Did anyone else notice that Cathy brought Abby’s book into the dressing room when they first showed up?  And that the book was propped up on Abby’s table for the remainder of the episode like Teresa Giudice‘s cookbook?

If you don’t watch Real Housewives of New Jersey…One:  Shame on you, Danielle, you prostitution whore.  And Two:  Teresa has her books propped up all over the kitchen counter like she lives in a freakin’ Barnes & Noble or something.

Except for now.  Because she’s in jail.  Oops.

Pay your taxes, kids.  Education.

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Side note:  We should probably talk about the Ohio Department of Tourism video they flashed between scenes that showed a baby goat or whatever it was just trying to have some lunch while that other goat-looking thing photobombed the picture.  I swear, sometimes I just need to lay down when this show is over it’s so good.  Hilarious.

The ALDC group routine was Mini Spice Girls all the way.  Or as I like to call it, Nia and her Backup Dancers.  Any time it’s a jazzy, hip hop pop kinda thing it’s always hard to take your eyes off Sasha Nia.  Werk.

All the girls did great, but….seriously.  LaQuifa What?

To finish off the contest, the CADC hit the stage with some of Abby’s leftover dancers, some of Abby’s leftover choreography and a whole bunch of freshly baked Apple Attitude.

They did amazing.  I’ll give props where they’re due.  When I hit the klub I still prefer to bust out my fave pop moves vs. lyrical, but I’ll still give a nod to a group that gets it done.

Unfortunately, so will the judges, who awarded the Candy Apples dancers First Place in the group category, totally overshadowing JoJo and MackZ’s One/Two sweep.

Backstage, it went exactly as you would expect it go after an ALDC loss.

Back Story:  Little Chloe Smith (…seriously, is this franchise contractually obligated to always have at least one Chloe or Christy on the payroll?…) is one of the new CADC dancers who was at one of the random ALDC Open Call auditions last year.  She is an amazing dancer with some pretty amazing ears.  And that’s not a diss.  You’ve all seen my childhood bow tie picture by now, so that scores me one Get Out Of Jail card.

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And honestly, the whole ear thing isn’t really ever any issue unless the wind is blowing straight at you from behind.  But regardless, at the audition Abby had told her to get her ears pinned back which was totally not cool at all.  Unless you plan on performing with your head out a moving car window the entire time, I can’t even think of a reason why anyone would tell a child to do something like that.  But Abby did.

So remember that part for later.

Back to backstage.

Cathy and all the gloating CADC Moms showed up in Abby’s dressing room with one of those Elmo Birthday Cakes from the grocery store.  Except that it wasn’t anybody’s birthday.  And it wasn’t even Elmo on the cake.  It was Abby’s face from the night that Kelly Hyland slapped her silly and ended up on TMZ.

Side note:  If you’ve never viewed that scene, or need a refresher, I highly recommend you relive the moment if for no other reason than to watch Dr. Holly Frazier take charge of all the children in the building like the roof is about to collapse on top of the entire team.  As I’ve said many times before, if Holly had been on the Titanic everyone on board would have made it into the life boats and been home by sunrise.

Holly doesn’t do drama.  And she certainly isn’t gonna get her hair wet.

Cathy brought in the cake and offered to cut Abby a big slice or stick the fork directly in her eyeball.  Her choice.  Needless to say, Abby got herself up and headed towards the door, turning just long enough to whisper “Get those ears fixed” before exiting the room.

Again.  Not cool.  At all.  Even the ALDC Moms were horrified.

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But this time, Choe’s Mom Liza fought back.

Not gonna lie.  When she shoved the other CADC Moms out of the way and headed down the hallway after Abby, I was kind of hoping for a rumble.  Sadly, it ended up being more of a Power Walk down to the Sears store at the other end of mall.

Clearly, neither of them are gonna qualify for the Pittsburgh Marathon this year.

But they still got some screaming in.  Quite a bit, actually.  Cathy even joined in on the Not-Birthday Party and called Abby a horse.

Back in the dressing room, all the ALDC Moms came to Chloe’s defense and it was really nice to see.  Competition aside, they’re all still Moms.  And no Mom ever wants to see a child get their feelings hurt.  It’s a Mom Thing and proved that sometimes you have to stop being a Dance Mom and just be a Mom Mom.

It’s called doing what’s right, kids.  Education.

Everyone rallied around Chloe and told her how amazing she was.  They were worried about her.  I was worried about her.  And the cake, too.  I was worried about the cake.

I still don’t know what happened to it when Cathy put it down to chase after Liza and Abby.  And that concerns me greatly.  I just hope they had dessert.

Cake always makes me feel better when people make fun of my ears.

And then it was over.

Time to go home and pack up all your sassy hats.

Because we’re going back to Hollywood, mmmkay?

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Dance Moms: Looks Like The Candy Apples Sanitation Department Found Some Good Stuff In Abby’s Garbage.

Wednesday, March 25th, 2015

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I swear. I saw all those old wannabe Moms on Twitter and I was all like ‘AwHellNahDurrp.’

 

 

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Hi, Staples? I’d like to order some name tags, because I have no clue who these kids are anymore.

 

 

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Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy…and Crazy.

 

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What do you all think? Does this dress make me look like Kim Kardashian or what? C’mon!

 

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I honestly don’t even know what to say anymore. How about we just talk about my hair?

 

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Hi, Candy Apples? TMZ here. Is your old refrigerator still running? You better catch it. Suckah.

 

 

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This blog wears me out. As opposed to “Wear ‘Em Out,” which is available soon. Holla atcha!

 

 

 

Welcome.

Before we begin, two quick programming notes.

At tonight’s performance, the role of the Candy Apples Competition Team will be played by a whole bunch of brand new people hungry for screen time who have never been part of the Ohio-based dance studio and clearly do not claim a 44708 zip code on their state taxes, much less even know how to get there without accessing their mini-van’s GPS.

And for those of you with the munchies, the snack bar will remain open throughout intermission serving a wide variety of questionably homemade tastiness direct from Canton’s own Jerky King, as well as whatever GoGo Juice is in those gigantic paper coffee cups that the Pittsburgh Dance Moms are always clenching in their sweaty palms.

Now please do enjoy the show.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier Reference:  Let’s get this one out of the way early, too, because there were so many SiaWannaBeYa Moments that I reset my DVR schedule just in case this thing went into overtime.  I thought for sure we were looking at an expanded 90 minute episode this week.  If you were screaming along with Pee Wee Herman‘s Secret Word or taking shots every time someone said “Sia” it was going to be a long night.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Elastic Heart Reference:  There was a new one, too.n

But hold that thought for now.  You’ll see.

With only two weeks to go before the team heads back to LA for another attempt at stardom and ALDC franchising, Abby was more determined than ever to regain her spot at the top of the dance charts.  After a less than stellar showing the first time they all hit the West Coast, it was now officially Game On.

After the Pyramid of Shame, of course.  And some social media buzz.

As the gang all stumbled into the studio for their assignments, everyone was celebrating the release of Maddie‘s second musical collaboration with Sia.  (Scream or take a shot now and then go stand in a corner facing the wall.  Repeat as often as necessary throughout the remainder of the episode and then see how you feel in the morning.)

The ‘Elastic Heart’ video had just hit the internet and was already causing quite a stir online, most likely due to Shia LaBeouf rolling around shirtless inside a bird cage with a tweeny bop girl in a flesh-colored onesie.  But that’s just my guess.

Honestly, Shia LaBeouf is crazy enough when he’s just walking the Red Carpet on E!, so putting him inside a pet carrier only seemed to magnify his crazy pants.

If he had been wearing any pants, I mean.

Side note:  We’ll be skipping the actual Pyramid this week due to so much juicy goodness squished into one episode.  Maddie was on top again, tho.  And all the girls were paired up in duets to celebrate ‘Elastic Heart.’  There you go.  Up to speed.

The video was abstract.  And edgy.  And provocative.  And pretty much made absolutely no sense to the majority of people who Googled it on youtube.  But that didn’t stop everyone from having an opinion.  Which is the first rule of being an art piece, right?r

Lady Gaga 101, people.  Der.

(The video is even posted up there next to this recap.  Feel free to roll on the floor to your elastic heart’s content if you’re one of the 7 people with dial-up who haven’t seen it yet.)

And speaking of rules.  The first rule of being a Real Housewife, whether you’re New Jersey, Atlanta or Pittsburgh-based, is to always snoop each other’s personal cellphones, right?  Because that’s totally what the other Moms did to Kira when they noticed a social media posting on her iPhone from the Evil Dance Lair known as Candy Apples.

Cathy Nesbitt-Stein had just created yet another new competition team.  Really.

Side note:  Can’t you just picture a room full of Cathy’s cast-offs, all sitting around in a circle talking smack about Candy Apples after she tosses them to the curb?  I don’t know it would be in a community center, rehab facility or a psychiatric ward, but I can totally see Lucas Triana swearing at my little buddy Gavin Morales while Anthony Burrell just sits there in an Asia Monet Ray Tour jacket trying on hats.

And you know exactly what I’m talking about.

This time around, Cathy had pulled all the old audition tapes from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition and sent out e-vites to anyone who hadn’t made it to the finish line.  Like an AUDC Reunion Show without Robin Antin bragging about the Pussycat Dolls.

Because she created them, you know.mel

The biggest stand-outs in the ‘New’ CADC were AUDC alums Haley Huelsman and Tessa Renée Wilkinson.  Tessa’s Mom Renée was wearing one of those tight razor sharp chokers that look like the Bride of Frankenstein scar you get when you attach a random head to someone else’s body and Haley’s Mom Melanie‘s KrazyHair was still wet after two years.

Side note:  Those of you who have followed this mess of a blog for a while know that I’m still waiting for Melanie to reimburse me for knocking over my soda in a food court when she was in Boston for a dance competition.  True Story.  With those bling-ed out Mom Jeans and giant purse I suppose I should have seen her coming, but I was too busy Googling ‘Who Is Sia?’ to put up my Force Field in time.

But now I know who Sia is.  And to never leave a diet coke too close to the edge of a plastic tray when the Huelsmans are in town.

Oh.  And Abby hates Melanie because I guess she and her daughter showed up at one of Abby’s book signings and apparently stood in the parking lot signing the same book out of the trunk of their car because Haley was mentioned in a footnote or something.

This show.  I swear.

Side note again:  And how about that giant mosquito statue they showed when we visited the Candy Apples Dance Center?  Only in Ohio would the Tourism Department make a point to highlight a seasonal bug infestation.

Remind me to book a room at the Motel 6 in the middle of a rainy August.

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Did I mention that So You Think You Can Dance winner Chehon Wespi-Tschopp was back again as the CADC guest choreographer?  Because he was.  And it was clear that the Moms were digging his smoldering Telenovela Side Eye.  That one with the short hair looked like she could get a little randy with our boy after a few Jose Cuervos.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  On point.  Sometimes, tho, I worry that her resting body temperature might be a little low.  Especially when she’s completely wrapped up like an Eskimo in one of her signature fur vest and boot ensembles while the rest of the ladies are up there in the MomPerch chillaxing in frilly little Kohl’s tops.

I’m also thinking that maybe those are ice fishing holes out in the parking lot and not pot holes as we’ve been led to believe all this time, because then her outfit makes complete sense.  I love my MomCrush.

Probably even more so now that I know she can gut a Trout.

(And how good does her hair look way up at the top there?  Dang.)

As the ALDC girls rehearsed their ‘Get A Clue’ Hasbro board game routine, Jessalyn decide to give Tessa’s Mom a quick call to get the 411 on the Candy Apples situation.

They already knew each other from AUDC and who knows what else, so Jess figured it would be a quick and easy way to get the dirt.  Until Renée picked up on her end and told Jessalynn to “Get a F***ing Life” that is.  Then not so much.

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Ouch.  Good way to answer the phone when those Florida Timeshare telemarketers call right in the middle of dinner with the family, but probably not cool when it’s an old friend.

In the midst of all this chaos, Melissa was still just as busy as ever pimping out Maddie’s accomplishments.  Can’t blame her.  The girl is on fiyah right now.

But I did find it hilarious that after bragging about Entertainment Tonight, the Ellen Show and every other Hollywood Access Insider Outsider Entertainment TV news magazine she could name drop in one breath, we ended up watching Maddie give an interview to the Murrysville Star, which is one of those free grocery store Pennysaver papers where you can find coupons on insulated double hung windows and complain about how they just closed another post office at the same time.

I’m pretty sure the dude who did the interview also brought his Mom as photographer.

Not to be outdone, Holly snuck down to the front desk and called up Aubrey O’Day again.  I love that Holly has taken on Nia’s career as her new full-time job.

I also love that Holly has Aubrey O’Day on speed dial.  And that Aubrey was on Celebrity Apprentice.  And that I bought a mark-down Donald Trump tie one year at Macy’s and used the restroom at Trump Towers on the same day.  And I even watched American Idol the year that Clay Aiken lost.

And Clay totally went all Drama Queen on Aubrey on Celebrity Apprentice.

The Circle of Life.

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I know, right?  It’s like Holly and Aubrey and I are only separated by like 976 Degrees of Separation now.  We could totally be BFFs if Lifetime didn’t have such tight security during filming.  Or so I heard, I mean.

Aubrey wanted to talk to Nia (…not me, apparently, but Nia…) so Holly scooted down the hall and pulled her out of rehearsal, which caused all kinds of MamaDrama upstairs.

Which was pretty much the exact same thing that happened to Maddie the following day when Entertainment Tonight finally broke down the studio door and rushed the room with a full entourage of camera guys and fuzzy microphone sticks.

But it was Maddie, so it was ok.

Full Disclosure:  Melissa did acknowledge that it was pretty much the same thing that she had just chewed out Holly for doing.  But it was still different.

I love Holly’s HollyFaces when she gets all ‘HollySayWhat?’

I also like that she seemed a little happier this week.  Dr. Beyoncé still isn’t getting the support she feels she deserves from her friends regarding Nia’s relationship with Abby, but with Nia’s musical career starting to take off she has enough to keep her occupied.

(Spoiler Alert:  Nia’s Australian concert.  Just saying.)

Finally, it was Showtime!  And time for the CADC ladies to sneak into the ALDC green room before Abby’s dirty bus pulled up to the bumper.

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(Seriously.  You’re going to be on national television.  Nobody could get a garden hose and wash down that bus?  Is that even legal to be transporting young children when you only have two little peep holes in the windshield?)

And who knew that there were bagels behind all those wrinkly fabric backdrops every week?  Bagels.  All kinds of them.  With cream cheese.

Needless to say, Abby and her team busted the CADC Moms before they could snarf down any snacks and sent them on their way after a brief throw down.

I really can’t explain Melanie’s hair or Renée’s one shoulder cut-out recital concert ensemble during the festivities.  You should probably go back and check the DVR.  That way you could also see the Jessalynn vs. Melanie grudge match reignite right there in the middle of the floor.  When you’re hair is as crazy as your mouth, it makes for good TV.

Kendall and JoJo did a ‘Freaky Friday’ routine where they switched bodies and hair bows.  After five seasons of Dance Moms headgear never staying attached, it was pretty impressive that Kendall was able to snatch JoJo’s holiday accessory right off her head so quickly, clip it into her own hair, do an upside down whatchamacallit and still keep the ginormous thing in place for the remainder of the dance.

Bonus points from this judge if that counts for anything.

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Nia and MackZ (…she’s still MackZ, right?…) were up next with a creepy little girl in the neighborhood kind of thing.  It was pretty powerful even before Nia served Face.

Werk.

Naturally, right before Maddie and Kalani hit the stage for their ‘Walking Through The Storm’ duet, Melanie decided to blow a nutty on Melissa right there in the audience.

Clearly, Haley’s Mom is not a big fan of provocative music video art pieces.  Or hair conditioner.  But leave it to Kira to come to the rescue as she turned to face the entire auditorium and got the crowd cheering for Maddie’s performance.

Or maybe it was for Kira’s new low cut dress that proudly proved to all of Michigan that Arizona has way more to offer vacationers than just a humidity-free dry heat.

Or maybe both.  I dunno.

But they were definitely on their feet for something when Kira turned around.

By the time that both teams had performed their group routines, it was anyone’s guess as to how the whole thing was going to play out.  Everyone felt that they were going to win.

But somebody has to come in Second and be the First Loser, right?

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Once again, Candy Apples drew the short straw.  Second Place.

Which meant that once again, the ALDC took the First Place trophy.  All three top duet spots also got snagged by the ALDC and Abby couldn’t have been happier for a change.

Backstage, all the Candy Apple Moms cried and vowed revenge on Abby.  The whole thing was very emotional.  And traumatizing.  Especially when Melanie hugged Cathy.  It was almost too much KrazyHair for me to handle in one serving.

Across the hall in the ALDC room, the atmosphere was definitely much lighter as everyone celebrated their wins.  Plural.

There was still an underlying division between the Moms, but it definitely felt like they might be able to work it out a little bit during the upcoming Hollywood trip.

But only time will tell.  This is Dance Moms, after all.

For now, it was back to Pittsburgh to put another trophy on the shelf.

And watch that video again.

You know the one.

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