Posts Tagged ‘Canton’s Jerky King’

Dance Moms Mama Drama: Oh No She Din’t! Abby Lee Miller Just Quit! Here’s The Scoop…And Some Made Up Stuff.

Friday, March 31st, 2017

 

So, umm…yeah.

About that whole Dance Moms thing.

It started out as a pretty slow news day at the ALDCA, all things considered.

Until, well…you know.Bet you didn’t see that coming.
She did it.  Miss Abby did it.

Abby Lee Miller quit Dance Moms.I know, right?Take your time.

This whole thing pretty much caught everybody off guard.

Even (…SPOILER ALERT!…) this lady.It’s true.

After six years, seven seasons and however many days it all adds up to…Abby quit.

In full-on all up in yo’ face all over yo’ Instagram #AbbyStyle.

And on the weekend, too.  Just like the White House does all their stuff lately.

Trust me.  It was straight-up online Crazy Pants.

But to fully understand the impact of all these shenanigans, we need to start at the beginning.

Which was really the middle and kinda sorta the end.  With me so far?

The Dance Moms Dirt, yo.

Please do enjoy this recap of all the deets that have been made public up to this point.

There is plenty of Canton Jerky to gnaw on so far and anything we don’t know I’ll just make up to keep things flowing.  Because that’s how we do.

Word on the street is that the whole thing started to crumble when all the Moms regrouped to begin filming Season 7.5 or 7B (…which totally sounds like that upstairs apartment in a sitcom where the whacky neighbor lives…) or whatever it is they call the next bunch of episodes that haven’t aired yet.

Abby was MIA. Again.I mean, it’s not like that hasn’t happened before.  But, still.

Needless to say, after six years, seven seasons and blah blah blah…the Moms were getting a little tired of all the no-shows and had apparently been scouting out new locations where the girls could continue to rehearse and compete.  Locations that might give the girls a more positive environment to learn and grow and pig pile on top of each other like the last day of Spring Break.

Like maybe this place that Chloe cryptically posted on her IG account, which immediately caused two thirds of the country’s youth to stop doing their homework and start texting crying emojis way past their bedtime.  OMG + 20 Yellow Smiley Faces with tears pouring down.

Because, remember…Chloe.

Yup.  Looks like Chloe was really back.

Side note:  #CyberSpiritAnimal…

But wassup wid dat 8 Count Dance Academy?

Was it rehearsal space?  Did the team really…finally…jump ship off the SS ALDC?  And where was little Brynn?  Look at this niblet.

We love Brynn, even though her Mom stopped following me on Twitter.

Full Disclosure: I got a feeling Ashlee‘s probably not gonna re-follow me by the time I’m finished with this update, so if anyone would like to fill her spot there’s an #EmptyChair with your name on it.

Eventually, photos started creeping up online showing Brynn surrounded by all kinds of little ALDC Minis, which totally made her look like Dorothy when she first landed in Oz.

Am I right?  And you thought Brynn was tiny.

Was Brynn their mentor?  Was the team fractured?  What was even happening right now?

Lots, apparently.

Abby eventually showed up again with an (…alleged…) list of things that the gang could and could not discuss, which in Dance Moms Reverse Psychology meant Go Directly To Your Social Media.

It started getting a little uncomfortable.

But just a little.  The good stuff was still to come.  At the end of the long Road to Nationals.

Yeah.  What she said.

True Fact:  If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years of network television (watching) it’s this:

NEVER skimp on the lighting.  Or the fabric on your daughter’s costume.

Just don’t.

But they did.

And it didn’t end well at all.

Anyone remember #FanDanceGate?  Who burned those reels?  They’re not even on Netflix.

Turns out that Abby (…or was it?…) wanted the girls to wear some provocative costumes at Nationals to give them an edge against the competition, which…let’s be honest…has been an ongoing issue at her studio since that first episode way back in 2011.

The routine was going to be a Bob Fosse-ish thingamajig which I guess Abby (…or not…) felt needed grown-up attire consisting of bras, panties and a straddle chair, which in turn opened up pretty heated discussions on what is the proper age for your daughter to be on national television in her undergarments.

Advance Disclaimer:  Take it to the chat rooms, people.  Not the comment section.

This argument has gone on since Day One in the Dance World and while it’s true that the girls are way older than they were during the #FanDanceGate Fiasco, some Moms were still not comfortable with the costuming concept.

Look at how little Mackenzie was back then.  She looks like a toilet paper cozy.

Which reminds me that while all this drama was going on, former DM Break-Out Star Maddie was in Dubai riding a camel and that it’s someone’s actual job in Dubai to crochet camel nose cozies.You can probably Google how to make both the Mackenzie and the camel nose version if you want.

And she’s Maddie and you’re not.

Merchandising Memo:  Did you know that in lieu of cozies, Walgreen’s sells Maddie and Mackenzie dolls?  Because they do.  And both dolls come with a dance bag and legs that look like they’ll snap off as soon as you take them out of the plastic clamshell.  My girl Rachelle Rak will tell you those ain’t Broadway dancer gams.  No, ma’am.

Look!  Here’s Maddie and Mackenzie at Pure Barre.And the Teletubbies at Pure Barre.And Christi and Kelly at The Barre.How much do we love those two together?  Hashtag:  Goals.

And now I forgot what we were talking about.

Oh.  Yeah.  This.And this.  

And this bootleg shot of the actual 2017 dance, which someone apparently shot through the bottom of an aquarium.  Which I don’t understand since photos sent back from the Mars LandRover are clearer than some kid’s iPhone in the 4th row.  But whatev + Scratching Chin Smiley Emoji.

Programming Note:  Right here is where the whole thing hit the #Fan.

Allegedly, new girl Camryn or her Mom Camille or both, popped off on Abby and/or Brynn at some point.

And on Ashlee.  Who popped off on Abby and/or Camryn and Camille.  Or maybe not.  From here on out it kinda depends on whose Instagram account you follow.

FYI:  Those aren’t even the right clips or the right episodes, but you get the point.

Plus Jill is my #MomCrush.  So shut up, you.

And then the Moms started spinning the wheel for one last prize.

Not this one.This one.Game Over.  Social Media for the Win.

Abby went home and posted this picture.

And quit. Look at how long Gianna‘s hair got.

And there’s Brynn and those Minis again.

No clue who the dude is photobombing the shot, but he looks friendly.

Now this isn’t the first time that Abby’s used her IG to shake things up.  Remember when she got engaged to this guy?  Or not.

Here they are again, with that filter that gives you a tan and whitens your teeth.And one more time, looking in the other direction for some reason.Not sure what she had planned for this guy, but it required protective headgear.And this guy, totally getting his pocket picked while he was looking at the smoothie menu. No idea who this guy is.But I give the girl her props.

Always stalk your prey from behind and grab them by the neck before they can escape.

So Abby dragged the show and pretty much anyone else in her orbit on that post.  She even accused the producers of not knowing how to dance, but one of them got right on Twitter all like “Nuh Uh I took dance lessons and paid my rent with these moves, girlfriend.”

My boy even posted this told-you-so video which is so lo-res it will probably give you cataracts.

I shot him a text to get the HD version but he never answers the phone when he’s doing crunches because, you know…summer’s coming, bitch.

And then I don’t even know what happened next.

Abby went on a gazillion tv shows talking smack about everyone except me.  Or maybe even me.

It was like every channel was showing Abby Lee Miller at the beginning of the week.

There was even more #SocialMediaShade while Nia and Holly tried to calm the tide a little with a #NoCyberBullying post that got cyberbullied.

I know, right?

Nobody likes getting in the mud, but sometimes you gotta stand up for your beliefs, y’all.

And I was watching the whole thing like…

And then barely 48 hours later, they announced that Season 7B, which was done and in the can (…that’s industry lingo, BTW…) was suddenly back in production for at least one more month with Cheryl Burke taking over the reigns as Dance Coach.

Wait.  What?

You remember Cheryl.

We LOVE her.

She’s the lady from Dancing With The Stars who saved a horse by riding Drew Lachey to the top of the Leader Board.  They won the coveted Grand Champions Mirror Ball during Season Two, which she celebrated by performing a salsa routine while wearing a diaper.  You can’t make this s*** up.

Full Disclosure:  She doesn’t need diapers, but they paid her and her butt looked amazeballs.

Full Disclosure 2:  Not gonna lie.  If my butt could look as good as Cheryl’s I’d be rocking these so hard right now even though it looks like a lot of work to get both legs in securely.

Cheryl and a big football player took home a second Mirror Ball the next season and then she started drawing the short straw a few times.

Can you say Tom DeLay?

‘Merica.

Or when she got stuck with that Olympian who thought that if he dyed his hair back nobody would remember he went Number 1 all over the wall of a Rio gas station. 

Remember when that big dude jumped the barrier while Ryan Lochte and Cheryl were getting their scores?  Look at Lochte run like a little girl.

Even Cheryl couldn’t believe her life right there.And now she’s on Dance Moms!

And now Ashlee is skyping TMZ talking more shizz about why she and Brynn left the show and then supposedly (…or maybe not…) turning around and going back on set the next day to film.

Side note:  Look at the TMZ bus and Ashlee both blowing hot air all over Hollywood Blvd. Hit that Twitter follow button, people.  Plenty of room.

I dunno.

It’s exhausting.  No bus fume pun intended.

I love all them kids and all them Moms.  And the show straight up gives me #LIFE.

But I dunno what’s real and what’s not and who hates who (…whom?…) or what really happened.  Nobody does, except the people who lived it.  And it’s real for them.

So I guess the rest of us are just gonna have to wait for additional updates.

Or maybe I’ll just keep making up more stuff.

Stay tuned and we’ll see.

But for now…signing off from Dance Moms TV.

Good news.

Good night.

And straighten those damn feet, will ya?

Dance Moms: Holy Moly, Chloe! It Was Starbound To Happen Sooner Or Later. But Can You Really Go Home Again?

Thursday, February 23rd, 2017

nia

 

 

I just can’t believe it’s been 7 years and they still haven’t filled one pothole in this parking lot.

 

 

ch

 

 

This kitchen remod is way over budget. Put your shoes on, girls…it’s time to go snatch up some Lifetime coins.

 

 

jill

 

 

 

Did I tell you that I’m dropping a hip, new musical video this week? It’s already on my FacePage.

 

 

 

 

 

So ignore it. Do it anyways. Prove them wrong. And read DanThat’sCool. Hear that, haters?

 

 

cns4

 

 

A few treats from Canton’s Jerky King in the gopher trap and just like that I got a new fur stole.

 

 

ab

 

 

 

FYI. Sing Sing’s an all-male, maximum security prison, you idiot. But Mama does like her boys.

 

S01-E01_15-06

 

 

 

We were gonna show up, too, but that one couldn’t find her phone and they left without us.

 

 

 

Quick question.

Asking for a friend, of course.
chloe

Dat’s rite.

We’re back.  At least for one week, anyway.

So try to contain your enthusiasm…fDaXui9…because it’s really happening, people.

The long awaited reveal of the worst kept secret in the history of Reality TV.

And me finally getting off my lazy a** to recap Dance Moms like the good ol’ days.

Double Whammy.

Deuces

And it’s all because Chloe Lukasiak is back in the hizzle, yo.Dance-1Dq6V_f-maxage-0_zpsnafcxcymI know, right?

But first…

Dance-Moms-6x15-Recap-Melissa-should-be-sorryI know I’ve been slacking on this blog lately.  Bigly.

trump-dismissive-gif

Fact:  I missed you guys.  F’realz.

Alternative Fact:  Unfortunately, this hot mess of a site has catapulted me into such a stratospheric new level of #SuperStardom that I no longer have time for the little people anymore.

I’m kind of a big deal now.

putting-on-sunglasses-white-purple-wowtumblr_niujn0MVjB1tb8iyko1_500Or not, maybe.

Closer to the actual truth might be the fact that Lifetime TV (…and that lady in the orange…) still refuse to pay my rent each month, which means I’m required to continue working a real job in the real world for a real small paycheck.

An annoyance which has seriously cut into quality couch time in front of my widescreen.

Don’t get me wrong, tho.

I’m sure Lifetime would be more than willing to compensate me for all this hilarity if a certain Executive Producer wasn’t pissing away all the profits on gym memberships and designer LensCrafters frames.

But you didn’t hear that from me.bstgiphy-1Kidding.  He’s my boy.  It’s all good.

And if he thinks they makes him look like Clark Kent on Casual Friday…whatever.

Side note:  Did we ever get an answer as to why Melissa and Jill wore the same hair that day?

Jill_and_Melissa_-_Season_5_Reunion

What was that all about?

Side note 2:  Remember when they used to film the Reunion Shows in Kelly‘s basement?  That was back when Jill did her own hair.  BRAND_LFT_DMOM_110987_CRS_2997_060_20130920_V1_HD_768x432-16x9But they fancy now.  Real Housewives of Pittsburgh 4Life.

And as far as the MIA Dance Moms recaps, it’s not like we lost touch during my absence.

To the contrary, actually.

I heard from many of you on social media.

dance-moms-season-7-premiere-recap-remember-thistumblr_novr40oSA11uvr2ddo1_500dance-moms-7x08-recap-dance-mom-holly-frazier-gets-annoyedgotohell

You know.  The usual.giphy copy 4But now we’re all back together again.  In Pittsburgh.  Where it all began.

The birthplace of the ALDC.

And home to the ALDC.  But not the same ALDC.  Pay attention…because it’s confusing.

Turns out the Pittsburgh Abby Lee Dance Company is now the Appolonia Leake Dance Company.

Or at least on paper and in Yelp reviews.  Everything else still has the old name all over it.

One.  The fact that they found someone with the exact same initials to sign the lease is amazing.  If it’s a lease, I mean.  One Instagram account says Ms. Leake owns the ALDC now.

Two.  It’s not this Apollonia.

purple-rain-4The one riding on the back of Prince‘s motorcycle in Purple Rain spells her name with one ‘P’ and two ‘Ls’ and should be wearing a helmet.

The one that is slowly painting over all evidence that Abby Lee Miller ever stepped foot in the building is spelled with two ‘Ps’ and one ‘L.’  Because, of course it is.

Look at Abby ’bout ready to rip that damn sign right off the wall.

aldcSide note:  If they still have that Reign Dance Production marquee up on the highway, I’m not playing anymore.  Don’t even ask me where the Maryen Lorraine Dance Studio fits into all this mess.
7R0F35ORegardless.  E’rryone is back in PA for Nationals.  Because, you know.  The Road to Nationals.

As Holly and Nia Sioux took in the view from the parking lot, marveling at the gutted out flat top pavement and subzero temperatures, Abby was inside getting ready to not run the Pyramid of Shame.

potholeYou can’t see it in that photo, but Holly was wearing an 84K diamond cocktail necklace at 2 in the afternoon.  Because she can now.  And she did.

Remember when Nia was so little she used to disappear in those parking lot cracks  like they were sink holes?  Our little Sasha is all growed up like wicked big now.

Tumblr_lxm6cgZKhM1qmsq6vOnce everyone made it inside, all the girls fell into Beyoncé Formation one last time.

At least in Pittsburgh.  The whole show was in kind of a TMZ flux during filming.

Look at this and tell me you don’t feel old.

rehost-2016-9-13-93cc7c74-ed62-4578-b0bd-c4e7ca7f4e92lineupWhat the what with these little kids—?

And don’t tell me that it wasn’t a complete mindf*** to see all those new Moms mixed in with the Few & the Proud remaining Original Recipe Moms, all standing at the same Pure Barre railing that Mackenzie used to bump her head on every week.

Especially this Mom.

bowWho’s the perfect toxic mash-up of that lady who always screams at her kids…

54eaa11ab4bf2_-_h-wd1109-kate-gosselin-2…and that other lady who was always in the top/middle spot on Hollywood Squares.

RoseMarieI mean, c’mon.

bow1This is when I really wish Joan Rivers was still alive.

Oh.  And it was Pashmina Poncho Day at the ALDC.  But only for the OGs.

ponchoI’m not even sure who this kid is.  I don’t think she’s danced in the last 3 weeks, has she?dShe seems nice, tho.

And look at these two niblets.mini

As previously noted, there was so much to do this week (…Nationals!…) that Abby decided it was best to skip the Pyramid and get right down to bidnezz, which kind of disappointed me since I was really looking forward to one last creaky, dusty PA Pyramid.

687474703a2f2f696d61676573322e77696b69612e6e6f636f6f6b69652e6e65742f5f5f636232303133303430313134323734362f64616e63656d6f6d732f696d616765732f662f66652f5330312d4530315f30342d34322e6a7067#NeverForget.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  When the temperature drops, the fur comes out and the Bump-It goes up.

jillj2Fact:  It’s more accurate than the Weather Channel.  And if I’m lying, I’m dying.

This week (…at Nationals!…) Lilly, Elliana, Kalani and Brynn all scored solos, which meant that the two most senior members of the ALDC Team got nada.

reallyNia’s #SrslyFace is straight up #Goals.

Kendall didn’t seem as concerned, tho, probably because this was the week her new music video was going to be premiered to a throng of screaming young girls who shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a nightclub that has open liquor bottles displayed on the wall.

Spoiler Alert:

tumblr_olr1upJLds1tb8iyko1_500Q.  Where would I be without you?

But Nia and Kendall would at least be part of the Big Girl group routine (…cryptically entitled “Is There Still Hope?”…) where they would all portray characters from the seedier side of the PA streets.

Kalani was going to be the junkie.  KK schizophrenic.  Brynn was developing an eating disorder.  Newbie Camryn would rep the prostitutes.

200_s

And Nia was going to be in a gang, because…LaQuifa What?

imagestumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500reallySwear to Gawd.  Seven years later and Abby’s still trying to make her wear that lace front.

Full disclosure:  Initially, the group routine was going to be a number about conquering cancer, but Abby had forgotten that the girls had already sung that song with a pink ribbon way back in the old’n days.

Once the Moms reminded her that she was about to recycle a routine, Abby went and sat on her crash pad until Nia’s gang dance came to her in a vision.

a1abby dancing 2

#CrashPadMemories.  Good times.

And then the internet started to break:

Our first glimpse of Chloe and Christi and no-longer-a-baby Baby Clara.

First in a flashback, which explained the Lukasiaks’ Season 4 departure, but did nothing to address what exactly was happening in the back of Abby’s hair while Christi was ripping her a new one…

fb1…and then in a flashforward (…I think that should have been two words…) which made me a little emotional for my Toddlers & Tiaras crew.

Dance Moms:
tToddlers & Tiaras:

A-past-contestant-seen-on-Toddlers--Tiaras._gallery_primary

Dance Moms:c2

Toddlers & Tiaras:Toddlers_And_Tiaras_Recap

Dance Moms:claraLook at how big Clara got.  That’s crazy pants.

Long story short.  This…

tumblr_mebsdpvAYP1rytq3ko1_500…turned into this when nobody was looking.

c3Casa Lukasiak got a kitchen makeover with a pretty pricey refrigerator.

ch1

And this is a good color on Christi.ch4A Million Bonus Points:  That strategically placed Teen Choice Award surfboard was EVERYthing.

Remember when Chloe scored that giant foam slab in 2015 and so many girls screamed that all the neighborhood dogs started running in circles?  The Library was open on that Read when she read Abby at the podium, right?

Chloe-Lukasiak-teen-choice-winner-00

And her stunt double got one, too, which I thought was nice.  You don’t think our girl did 4 years of Christi vs. Abby fight scenes without some help, do you?  b083fe9562de173bc8d22e

A Million More Bonus Points:  After deciding to crash the Nationals party, Chloe said that if things got out of control, maybe the Federal Government could help them with Abby.

#OhNoSheDin’t.

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoaMeanwhile, back at the ALDC, all the wrong Moms were up in the Original MomPerch all sitting in the wrong MomSpots.  Shout out to Holly for snagging her end seat, tho.  All those years running into a crowded school cafeteria finally paid off.  Dat’s my seat, yo.

dance-moms-holly-melissa

The new Moms gnawed on each others’ necks for awhile after finding out that Lilly’s Dad was doing the vocals on her solo music.  Which I guess would be an issue if her Dad was Nat King Cole or something.

But he’s not.  So relax.

mI literally can’t stop looking at that hair.

m1Look at Yolanda.  You know she wants to.

Public Service Announcement:  Brace yourselves, ladies.  Put your trays in the upright position and fix your lip gloss, cuz we’re all about to experience a #ZackAttack.

zToddlers_And_Tiaras_RecapI know, right?  So dreamy.

Little Zack Torres is now Big Zack Torres and he just made his triumphant return to the Candy Apples!

zorro7_zpsf6605685

Look at Ava back there.   She knows wassup.

z1I probably could’ve done without Cougar Cathy Nesbitt-Stein pointing out what a #ZackSnack he was in front of all the kids…but she’s old, not dead.  So I guess…you know.

cnsGot enough crap on those shelves?

And this Mom was back again.

haleySide note:  I realize that every time Melanie‘s on the show I point out how she once knocked over my soda at a Boston Food Court and just kept walking like she had somewhere to go, but I feel it needs constant repeating because it cost me almost $1.50 in gym bag change.

This Mom returned, too.

zzzzSssssh.  Don’t wake her.  She’s resting up for a Throw Down later.

The CADC group routine was going to be about Abduction and Human Trafficking, which was a heavy and emotionally disturbing subject to everyone.  Especially 20 years ago when the ALDC did it with a playground swing.  But, again…I’m not judging.  Out loud.

I’m not even sure who this Mom is, but she experienced abduction in her own family and that is both heartbreaking and not cool, so she was allowed to get emotional.

taraKeep your kids close.  Nobody should have to go through that.  Ever.

Alternative Fact:  I think I forgot to mention that Cathy was positively gleeful at the possibility of Abby ending up in Sing Sing when all the financial drama reached Sentencing.

You might to Google that before you go on CNN, honey.cns1Bonus MomPerch footage:  Please tell me you saw that interaction between Kira and Ashlee when Kira was all like ‘Don’t even tell me you’re gonna put that whole thing in you mouth all at once…”

ka

And Ashlee was all like “Watch me…”ka1

And Kira was all like “OhMyGod you totally did it.  How ’bout you chew your food?…”kiraAnd then Holly was all like #HollyFace.khaDisclaimer:  Kidding.

You know I love Ashlee even though she stopped following me on Twitter.  And let’s be real.  Whatever she was inhaling looked mighty tasty, so scoot over and break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar.

And then we were off to Kendall K’s music video premiere!!!!

kk

Starring Jill!
v

And more Jill!
v1And even more Jill!

tumblr_inline_mj71f0nIBR1qg907pGo home, Jill.  You’re drunk.

tumblr_olr1x3c44W1tb8iyko1_500Disclaimer(s):  You know Jill Vertes will always be my MomCrush.  Your arguments are invalid.

And I guess Kendall K’s actual…actual…online music video looks completely different and actually stars Kendall K.  So I’m not really sure what they premiered.  Or why Abby was selling merch in the lobby like it was a Grateful Dead tour.  Maybe she’s just a little short on cash.

(Too soon?)

Side note:  Not gonna lie.  I thought Abby was shaving Kate Gosselin’s back in this clip until I realized she was just autographing some of the DeadHead t-shirts.  You can’t even make this stuff up anymore.

akateThe next day, after a tearful last look at the ALDC studio in the rearview mirror, it was Showtime!

In an airplane hangar.  On the Planet Hoth.

Look at how far away the makeup tables were from the front door.

airAnd look at how how cold it was in there.

giphy-1actumblr_myulqp8MPg1r93xiko6_r1_500ahI’m pretty sure this show stopped making sense somewhere around the middle of Season One.

Everybody was freezing, which I guess would explain why the emcee’s cheeks were so pink during the Red Carpet photo op.  Careful with that mic, dude.

sb  You know what happened the last time somebody shoved something in her face.

ReJtLxHAnd then Cathy & Co. stampeded through the ALDC makeup hangar like they always do, pushing over both the vinyl banner and Holly’s last button.

hfThat’s enough Candy Apple nonsense for me, thank you very much.

Side note:  Isn’t this copyright infringement?

cokeCoca-cola advertLooks like Abby might have a roommate in Sing Sing after all.

And then Abby kinda sorta mentally shut down and didn’t even bother to give the girls their normal pre-game pep talk, which got an already frustrated Holly even more frustrated.

harmFact:  She’s literally been waving that right arm in the air for 7 years.

And then finally, it was really Showtime!

Programming Note:  Since we’re running a little long given the 2 hour broadcast, I’ll try to trim the fat to speed up the process.

Zack’s makeup was on point.

zz

Zack’s Mom.  When your son has better contouring than you, why even bother.torres

I love Gina.

Human Prop Vivi-Anne was back to reclaim her title as Miss Human Abduction Prop 2017.

vivZack scooped her up faster than Chunky Monkey on Ben & Jerry’s Free Cone Day.  I love Vivi-Anne almost as much as she loves ice cream.  Which is a lot.  And more than dancing.

giphy-2Why this kid doesn’t have a sitcom yet, I swear…

Lilly’s Dad looks like the guy from The Commish after he shaved his head.  And her brother’s gonna be a heart breaker once he stops sleeping with a retainer.

familylillyThis random guy’s eyebrows, tho.  I just can’t.  And neither can Kira.

eyeWait for it…

cc1

There’s Holly’s right arm again.armWait for it…

cc2There was even some dancing, but you’re gonna have to Google the results.  You know the rules.

minis khh aldc l2Wait for it…

cccryKate Gosselin almost punched out that other Mom after the competition.

push fightAnd then…

Wait for it…

wait-whatOk. Now.

maxresdefault tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko1_500 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko3_400 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko2_400Everyone.  Lost.  Their.  Minds.

Holly was a #HotMess.

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Jill wasn’t sure how she felt about Christi’s off-the-shoulder peasant dress.jc

Chloe was thinking about getting back into competition mode.compete

Christi already needed a drink. clThere were hugs and kisses and screams and more hugs and more kisses and more screaming.

And then just like that…it was over.

Or was it?  Is it?

Chloe was back.

Or was she?

Can you really go home again?

To be continued…

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Dance Moms: Live From Ohio…It’s Saturday Night! With Maddie Gone, It’s Mackenzie’s Time To Shine. Or Is It?

Wednesday, April 1st, 2015

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You can wear my feather vest for your little dance, sweetie, but I’ll need it back when you’re done.

 

 

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I know, right? It’s 40 below and we’re out here wearing glitter tube tops. I swear this show is crazy!

 

 

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Sitting here all afternoon made me hungry. I could sure go for some cake right about now.

 

 

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I’m waaay smarter. But apparently nobody wants a Spelling Bee Champ to host stupid SNL.

 

 

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I don’t care if it is Black & White Day. Mama paid good money for these brown boots, ‘kay?

 

 

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So I told the lady at the Kelly Hyland Bakery Shop to just slap her damn face on a cake. Literally.

 

 

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I don’t know about you, gurl, but Imma ’bout ready to cut a CD and blow this popsicle stand.

 

 

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I certainly wouldn’t have had such a big lunch if I’d known they were gonna be serving tasty cake.

 

 

 

So much to do.

You know how it is right before you go on a big trip.

Between setting itineraries, packing up all your bling and coordinating transportation to the airport, there’s barely enough time to catch your breath, much less recreate the Closing Ceremonies of the 2012 London Olympics or pick on an innocent child’s floppy ears.

But somehow, Dance Moms managed to get it all done this week.

And still have time for cake.

With only seven days to go before ALDCLA: The Sequel, everyone was running in circles trying to get it together before the action shifted back to the West Coast.  After a less than stellar showing the last time they hit the Hollywood Hills, Abby Lee Miller was determined that the team leave Pittsburgh with one more win under their belt.

Which meant that this week’s World-Class Talent Experience was more important than ever to Abby.  Not only because it was being held on enemy turf (…Ohio, home of Canton’s Jerky King and the Evil Dance Lair know as Candy Apples…) but also because she just hates losing.  Period.

With so much to do there wasn’t even time to scotch tape any head shots up on the mirror for the Pyramid of Shame, so in an oddly unscientific Facial Recognition Experiment, Abby just held up each photo like a flash card until someone finally recognized their own outfit and snatched it out of her hand.  She said it was supposed to be like Chorus Line, but it reminded me more of when Cornelius and Zira first splash landed on Earth from the Planet of the Apes and got put into that psych lab to see how smart they were.

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Spoiler Alert:  Education played a big role in this week’s episode.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  I think this one might have happened before the opening credits even finished, because as soon as the show started we already knew that Maddie was in New York rehearsing for an upcoming Saturday Night Live performance with her new bestie Sia.

Side note:  Did we ever figure out who babysits Maddie while she’s off on all these solo road trips?  I forget.  I know she’s not old enough to have her own credit card for Ramada check-ins yet.  And I’m pretty sure she doesn’t actually stay at Sia’s house, though imagining them both going to sleep standing in a corner facing the wall does make me laugh.  I’m just curious, that’s all.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  She’s my MomCrush, so she could put a Target bag on her head and I’d still think she was da bomb.  But she did have it going on this week.

Holly Frazier Fashion Watch:  Wait.  What?  Check your rear view mirror, Jill, because Dr. Beyoncé was giving us Rachel Zoe SohoBohoBigHat Realness this week.

Oh.  My.  Gawd.  It was Ba.  Na. Nas.  Bananas.

Kendall Vertes Fashion Watch:  An unexpected winner.  When your double Boo Boo Kitty animal print band-aids not only match your outfit, but also every outfit on every member of your dance troupe, than your fashion game is on point.

JoJo and MackZ scored solos for the upcoming competition, as well as getting to dance in the Spice Girls group number.  Tell you what I want.  What I really, really want.

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Yup…’ello Govnah.  Those Spice Girls.  And it worked perfectly.  Like the real Spice Girls were somehow magically shrinky-dinked down into pee wee size and then spit back out onto the dance floor.

Kendall:  Posh Spice.  Kalani:  Sporty Spice.  Nia:  Scary Spice.  JoJo:  Baby Spice.

Mackenzie:  NotMaddie Spice.

Kidding.  She was Ginger Spice.  But it did open up a whole new MomPerch discussion on who Mackenzie really was…or would be…if she got the opportunity to step outside of Maddie’s ever widening shadow of stardom.  MackZ?  Mackenzie Boo?  Just Plain ol’ Mackenzie?  Kenzie?  The Other One?

Even her solo was going to be an introspective owl-themed ‘Hoo Are Yoo?’ routine that would hopefully address the issue.  Clearly, ever since Maddie put on that white wig and hid behind the living room drapes, tiny Mackenzie has been suffering a bit of an identity crisis.  We love her, tho.  What we need is a Girl Party to prove it!

As the girls got to rehearsing, we scooted over to Ohio to meet yet another choreographer for the Candy Apples.  I think this one was Cathy’s sister-in-law.  Or pharmacist.  Or Uber driver.  I forget.  She goes through them faster than I go through Twitter followers.

(And srsly?  You’re gonna unfollow me because I made a One Direction joke?  I’m pretty sure you’ll never date Zayn Malik whether he stayed in the band or not.  And aren’t you the same person who was gonna marry Justin Bieber two years ago?  Whatev.)

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Back in PA, the Moms were concerned that the Spice Girls routine was perfect for prepping the girls for another LA adventure, but not necessarily something that could win against a Candy Apples team that was hand-picked by Abby and then tossed to the curb during last season’s Open Call Auditions.  The general consensus was that Abby was setting the team up to lose when Maddie was MIA.  Because the contract clearly states that the team is not allowed to lose when Maddie is participating in the dances.

It’s in there.  I swear.  Right before the paragraph about slapping the studio owner.

(You might wanna hold that thought for a couple more minutes.  Trust me.)

Side note:  When Holly said “Who knows what it can reach” they close captioned her like she was Honey Boo Boo Child or something.  What was that all about?  She’s the only one I ever understand on this show.

During the conversation, it should also be noted that Melissa slipped in and out of consciousness a number of times, robotically repeating “She’s Abby Lee Miller We Must Assimilate” over and over like she was some kind of PittsBorg.

(That’s a freakin hysterical Star Trek reference that I don’t have time to explain, BTW.)

With two days to go before the competition, things were heating up.  Except in Ohio, where it snowed the entire time.  Anyone notice that?  Total white-out snow emergency in Canton while the fall leaves were still piling up in the ALDC potholes back in Pittsburgh.

Global Warming, kids.  The More You Know.  Education.h

And don’t even get me started on when Cathy slammed my girl Nia’s dance skills.  “All my Candy Apple dancers are amazing.  I don’t have any Nias”.  AwHellNah.

Guuurl, you do NOT want me to take off my Rachel Zoe hat right now.

Side note:  I’m still patiently waiting for the Dance Moms spin-off based on whatever Ohio beauty parlor it is that still does those haircuts and dye jobs.  Because that show would be off the damn chain.  I would watch that show so hard.

And then Abby basically blamed home schooling for MackZ’s inability to remember four minutes of choreography and now I’m just waiting for my entire website to slow down.

Because that totally happened last time when everyone on both sides of the argument started fighting over the pros and cons of homeschooling in the comment section.

Thanks a lot, Abby.  I might as well just call my tech guy now and get in the queue.

Side note:  In the heat of the battle, Melissa blurted out that Mackenzie was a lot smarter than Maddie educationally.  Really.  They should have subtitled that one instead, because I was totally all like WhatDidSheJustSay?  I’m pretty sure she didn’t mean it to sound the way it came out.  And you know how Lifetime loves their new editing software.

You could tell Holly wanted to smack her on the nose with a rolled up PhD thesis.

Finally…thankfully…it was Showtime!

And time for those screaming sidewalk kids I love so much.  That little one trying to get a high-five out of Abby almost burst whatever that vein in the side of your forehead is called.

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Side note:  How how about Tessa‘s Mom and that red cocktail dress?

Dang, Reneé.  Somebody does Pilates.  I was going to say something about her hair and maybe point out that she was wearing the same Jack the Ripper throat slash choker again (…does she sleep in that thing?…) but then I got a load of those guns and now I’m all set.

Moving on.  Fast.

MackZ’s ForTheLastTimeI’mNotMaddie dance went really well.  She still did that handstand in a circle thing a billion times, which I thought we had already agreed made her routines seem too juvenile and would be removed going forward, but maybe I made that up in my head.  I’m more jealous that I can’t do it than I am concerned about her actually Bringing Bumble Bee Back…but, still.

Jessalynn, who somewhere along the line stopped being a complete whack job and started making more sense than anyone in my circle of friends, pointed out that those kind of tricks aren’t really cute once you grow up.  Since I still get very uncomfortable every Thanksgiving when my Aunt busts out her handstand in a circle thing right before we say Grace, I have to side with Jess on this one.

JoJo’s ‘Fancy’ solo was custom built for her, even though I’m not a big fan of MC Hammer pants.  She was definitely Too Legit To Quit.

Side note:  Did anyone else notice that Cathy brought Abby’s book into the dressing room when they first showed up?  And that the book was propped up on Abby’s table for the remainder of the episode like Teresa Giudice‘s cookbook?

If you don’t watch Real Housewives of New Jersey…One:  Shame on you, Danielle, you prostitution whore.  And Two:  Teresa has her books propped up all over the kitchen counter like she lives in a freakin’ Barnes & Noble or something.

Except for now.  Because she’s in jail.  Oops.

Pay your taxes, kids.  Education.

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Side note:  We should probably talk about the Ohio Department of Tourism video they flashed between scenes that showed a baby goat or whatever it was just trying to have some lunch while that other goat-looking thing photobombed the picture.  I swear, sometimes I just need to lay down when this show is over it’s so good.  Hilarious.

The ALDC group routine was Mini Spice Girls all the way.  Or as I like to call it, Nia and her Backup Dancers.  Any time it’s a jazzy, hip hop pop kinda thing it’s always hard to take your eyes off Sasha Nia.  Werk.

All the girls did great, but….seriously.  LaQuifa What?

To finish off the contest, the CADC hit the stage with some of Abby’s leftover dancers, some of Abby’s leftover choreography and a whole bunch of freshly baked Apple Attitude.

They did amazing.  I’ll give props where they’re due.  When I hit the klub I still prefer to bust out my fave pop moves vs. lyrical, but I’ll still give a nod to a group that gets it done.

Unfortunately, so will the judges, who awarded the Candy Apples dancers First Place in the group category, totally overshadowing JoJo and MackZ’s One/Two sweep.

Backstage, it went exactly as you would expect it go after an ALDC loss.

Back Story:  Little Chloe Smith (…seriously, is this franchise contractually obligated to always have at least one Chloe or Christy on the payroll?…) is one of the new CADC dancers who was at one of the random ALDC Open Call auditions last year.  She is an amazing dancer with some pretty amazing ears.  And that’s not a diss.  You’ve all seen my childhood bow tie picture by now, so that scores me one Get Out Of Jail card.

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And honestly, the whole ear thing isn’t really ever any issue unless the wind is blowing straight at you from behind.  But regardless, at the audition Abby had told her to get her ears pinned back which was totally not cool at all.  Unless you plan on performing with your head out a moving car window the entire time, I can’t even think of a reason why anyone would tell a child to do something like that.  But Abby did.

So remember that part for later.

Back to backstage.

Cathy and all the gloating CADC Moms showed up in Abby’s dressing room with one of those Elmo Birthday Cakes from the grocery store.  Except that it wasn’t anybody’s birthday.  And it wasn’t even Elmo on the cake.  It was Abby’s face from the night that Kelly Hyland slapped her silly and ended up on TMZ.

Side note:  If you’ve never viewed that scene, or need a refresher, I highly recommend you relive the moment if for no other reason than to watch Dr. Holly Frazier take charge of all the children in the building like the roof is about to collapse on top of the entire team.  As I’ve said many times before, if Holly had been on the Titanic everyone on board would have made it into the life boats and been home by sunrise.

Holly doesn’t do drama.  And she certainly isn’t gonna get her hair wet.

Cathy brought in the cake and offered to cut Abby a big slice or stick the fork directly in her eyeball.  Her choice.  Needless to say, Abby got herself up and headed towards the door, turning just long enough to whisper “Get those ears fixed” before exiting the room.

Again.  Not cool.  At all.  Even the ALDC Moms were horrified.

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But this time, Choe’s Mom Liza fought back.

Not gonna lie.  When she shoved the other CADC Moms out of the way and headed down the hallway after Abby, I was kind of hoping for a rumble.  Sadly, it ended up being more of a Power Walk down to the Sears store at the other end of mall.

Clearly, neither of them are gonna qualify for the Pittsburgh Marathon this year.

But they still got some screaming in.  Quite a bit, actually.  Cathy even joined in on the Not-Birthday Party and called Abby a horse.

Back in the dressing room, all the ALDC Moms came to Chloe’s defense and it was really nice to see.  Competition aside, they’re all still Moms.  And no Mom ever wants to see a child get their feelings hurt.  It’s a Mom Thing and proved that sometimes you have to stop being a Dance Mom and just be a Mom Mom.

It’s called doing what’s right, kids.  Education.

Everyone rallied around Chloe and told her how amazing she was.  They were worried about her.  I was worried about her.  And the cake, too.  I was worried about the cake.

I still don’t know what happened to it when Cathy put it down to chase after Liza and Abby.  And that concerns me greatly.  I just hope they had dessert.

Cake always makes me feel better when people make fun of my ears.

And then it was over.

Time to go home and pack up all your sassy hats.

Because we’re going back to Hollywood, mmmkay?

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