Posts Tagged ‘Chloe Smith’

Dance Moms Mama Drama: Oh No She Din’t! Abby Lee Miller Just Quit! Here’s The Scoop…And Some Made Up Stuff.

Friday, March 31st, 2017

 

So, umm…yeah.

About that whole Dance Moms thing.

It started out as a pretty slow news day at the ALDCA, all things considered.

Until, well…you know.Bet you didn’t see that coming.
She did it.  Miss Abby did it.

Abby Lee Miller quit Dance Moms.I know, right?Take your time.

This whole thing pretty much caught everybody off guard.

Even (…SPOILER ALERT!…) this lady.It’s true.

After six years, seven seasons and however many days it all adds up to…Abby quit.

In full-on all up in yo’ face all over yo’ Instagram #AbbyStyle.

And on the weekend, too.  Just like the White House does all their stuff lately.

Trust me.  It was straight-up online Crazy Pants.

But to fully understand the impact of all these shenanigans, we need to start at the beginning.

Which was really the middle and kinda sorta the end.  With me so far?

The Dance Moms Dirt, yo.

Please do enjoy this recap of all the deets that have been made public up to this point.

There is plenty of Canton Jerky to gnaw on so far and anything we don’t know I’ll just make up to keep things flowing.  Because that’s how we do.

Word on the street is that the whole thing started to crumble when all the Moms regrouped to begin filming Season 7.5 or 7B (…which totally sounds like that upstairs apartment in a sitcom where the whacky neighbor lives…) or whatever it is they call the next bunch of episodes that haven’t aired yet.

Abby was MIA. Again.I mean, it’s not like that hasn’t happened before.  But, still.

Needless to say, after six years, seven seasons and blah blah blah…the Moms were getting a little tired of all the no-shows and had apparently been scouting out new locations where the girls could continue to rehearse and compete.  Locations that might give the girls a more positive environment to learn and grow and pig pile on top of each other like the last day of Spring Break.

Like maybe this place that Chloe cryptically posted on her IG account, which immediately caused two thirds of the country’s youth to stop doing their homework and start texting crying emojis way past their bedtime.  OMG + 20 Yellow Smiley Faces with tears pouring down.

Because, remember…Chloe.

Yup.  Looks like Chloe was really back.

Side note:  #CyberSpiritAnimal…

But wassup wid dat 8 Count Dance Academy?

Was it rehearsal space?  Did the team really…finally…jump ship off the SS ALDC?  And where was little Brynn?  Look at this niblet.

We love Brynn, even though her Mom stopped following me on Twitter.

Full Disclosure: I got a feeling Ashlee‘s probably not gonna re-follow me by the time I’m finished with this update, so if anyone would like to fill her spot there’s an #EmptyChair with your name on it.

Eventually, photos started creeping up online showing Brynn surrounded by all kinds of little ALDC Minis, which totally made her look like Dorothy when she first landed in Oz.

Am I right?  And you thought Brynn was tiny.

Was Brynn their mentor?  Was the team fractured?  What was even happening right now?

Lots, apparently.

Abby eventually showed up again with an (…alleged…) list of things that the gang could and could not discuss, which in Dance Moms Reverse Psychology meant Go Directly To Your Social Media.

It started getting a little uncomfortable.

But just a little.  The good stuff was still to come.  At the end of the long Road to Nationals.

Yeah.  What she said.

True Fact:  If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years of network television (watching) it’s this:

NEVER skimp on the lighting.  Or the fabric on your daughter’s costume.

Just don’t.

But they did.

And it didn’t end well at all.

Anyone remember #FanDanceGate?  Who burned those reels?  They’re not even on Netflix.

Turns out that Abby (…or was it?…) wanted the girls to wear some provocative costumes at Nationals to give them an edge against the competition, which…let’s be honest…has been an ongoing issue at her studio since that first episode way back in 2011.

The routine was going to be a Bob Fosse-ish thingamajig which I guess Abby (…or not…) felt needed grown-up attire consisting of bras, panties and a straddle chair, which in turn opened up pretty heated discussions on what is the proper age for your daughter to be on national television in her undergarments.

Advance Disclaimer:  Take it to the chat rooms, people.  Not the comment section.

This argument has gone on since Day One in the Dance World and while it’s true that the girls are way older than they were during the #FanDanceGate Fiasco, some Moms were still not comfortable with the costuming concept.

Look at how little Mackenzie was back then.  She looks like a toilet paper cozy.

Which reminds me that while all this drama was going on, former DM Break-Out Star Maddie was in Dubai riding a camel and that it’s someone’s actual job in Dubai to crochet camel nose cozies.You can probably Google how to make both the Mackenzie and the camel nose version if you want.

And she’s Maddie and you’re not.

Merchandising Memo:  Did you know that in lieu of cozies, Walgreen’s sells Maddie and Mackenzie dolls?  Because they do.  And both dolls come with a dance bag and legs that look like they’ll snap off as soon as you take them out of the plastic clamshell.  My girl Rachelle Rak will tell you those ain’t Broadway dancer gams.  No, ma’am.

Look!  Here’s Maddie and Mackenzie at Pure Barre.And the Teletubbies at Pure Barre.And Christi and Kelly at The Barre.How much do we love those two together?  Hashtag:  Goals.

And now I forgot what we were talking about.

Oh.  Yeah.  This.And this.  

And this bootleg shot of the actual 2017 dance, which someone apparently shot through the bottom of an aquarium.  Which I don’t understand since photos sent back from the Mars LandRover are clearer than some kid’s iPhone in the 4th row.  But whatev + Scratching Chin Smiley Emoji.

Programming Note:  Right here is where the whole thing hit the #Fan.

Allegedly, new girl Camryn or her Mom Camille or both, popped off on Abby and/or Brynn at some point.

And on Ashlee.  Who popped off on Abby and/or Camryn and Camille.  Or maybe not.  From here on out it kinda depends on whose Instagram account you follow.

FYI:  Those aren’t even the right clips or the right episodes, but you get the point.

Plus Jill is my #MomCrush.  So shut up, you.

And then the Moms started spinning the wheel for one last prize.

Not this one.This one.Game Over.  Social Media for the Win.

Abby went home and posted this picture.

And quit. Look at how long Gianna‘s hair got.

And there’s Brynn and those Minis again.

No clue who the dude is photobombing the shot, but he looks friendly.

Now this isn’t the first time that Abby’s used her IG to shake things up.  Remember when she got engaged to this guy?  Or not.

Here they are again, with that filter that gives you a tan and whitens your teeth.And one more time, looking in the other direction for some reason.Not sure what she had planned for this guy, but it required protective headgear.And this guy, totally getting his pocket picked while he was looking at the smoothie menu. No idea who this guy is.But I give the girl her props.

Always stalk your prey from behind and grab them by the neck before they can escape.

So Abby dragged the show and pretty much anyone else in her orbit on that post.  She even accused the producers of not knowing how to dance, but one of them got right on Twitter all like “Nuh Uh I took dance lessons and paid my rent with these moves, girlfriend.”

My boy even posted this told-you-so video which is so lo-res it will probably give you cataracts.

I shot him a text to get the HD version but he never answers the phone when he’s doing crunches because, you know…summer’s coming, bitch.

And then I don’t even know what happened next.

Abby went on a gazillion tv shows talking smack about everyone except me.  Or maybe even me.

It was like every channel was showing Abby Lee Miller at the beginning of the week.

There was even more #SocialMediaShade while Nia and Holly tried to calm the tide a little with a #NoCyberBullying post that got cyberbullied.

I know, right?

Nobody likes getting in the mud, but sometimes you gotta stand up for your beliefs, y’all.

And I was watching the whole thing like…

And then barely 48 hours later, they announced that Season 7B, which was done and in the can (…that’s industry lingo, BTW…) was suddenly back in production for at least one more month with Cheryl Burke taking over the reigns as Dance Coach.

Wait.  What?

You remember Cheryl.

We LOVE her.

She’s the lady from Dancing With The Stars who saved a horse by riding Drew Lachey to the top of the Leader Board.  They won the coveted Grand Champions Mirror Ball during Season Two, which she celebrated by performing a salsa routine while wearing a diaper.  You can’t make this s*** up.

Full Disclosure:  She doesn’t need diapers, but they paid her and her butt looked amazeballs.

Full Disclosure 2:  Not gonna lie.  If my butt could look as good as Cheryl’s I’d be rocking these so hard right now even though it looks like a lot of work to get both legs in securely.

Cheryl and a big football player took home a second Mirror Ball the next season and then she started drawing the short straw a few times.

Can you say Tom DeLay?

‘Merica.

Or when she got stuck with that Olympian who thought that if he dyed his hair back nobody would remember he went Number 1 all over the wall of a Rio gas station. 

Remember when that big dude jumped the barrier while Ryan Lochte and Cheryl were getting their scores?  Look at Lochte run like a little girl.

Even Cheryl couldn’t believe her life right there.And now she’s on Dance Moms!

And now Ashlee is skyping TMZ talking more shizz about why she and Brynn left the show and then supposedly (…or maybe not…) turning around and going back on set the next day to film.

Side note:  Look at the TMZ bus and Ashlee both blowing hot air all over Hollywood Blvd. Hit that Twitter follow button, people.  Plenty of room.

I dunno.

It’s exhausting.  No bus fume pun intended.

I love all them kids and all them Moms.  And the show straight up gives me #LIFE.

But I dunno what’s real and what’s not and who hates who (…whom?…) or what really happened.  Nobody does, except the people who lived it.  And it’s real for them.

So I guess the rest of us are just gonna have to wait for additional updates.

Or maybe I’ll just keep making up more stuff.

Stay tuned and we’ll see.

But for now…signing off from Dance Moms TV.

Good news.

Good night.

And straighten those damn feet, will ya?

Dance Moms: Holy Moly, Chloe! It Was Starbound To Happen Sooner Or Later. But Can You Really Go Home Again?

Thursday, February 23rd, 2017

nia

 

 

I just can’t believe it’s been 7 years and they still haven’t filled one pothole in this parking lot.

 

 

ch

 

 

This kitchen remod is way over budget. Put your shoes on, girls…it’s time to go snatch up some Lifetime coins.

 

 

jill

 

 

 

Did I tell you that I’m dropping a hip, new musical video this week? It’s already on my FacePage.

 

 

 

 

 

So ignore it. Do it anyways. Prove them wrong. And read DanThat’sCool. Hear that, haters?

 

 

cns4

 

 

A few treats from Canton’s Jerky King in the gopher trap and just like that I got a new fur stole.

 

 

ab

 

 

 

FYI. Sing Sing’s an all-male, maximum security prison, you idiot. But Mama does like her boys.

 

S01-E01_15-06

 

 

 

We were gonna show up, too, but that one couldn’t find her phone and they left without us.

 

 

 

Quick question.

Asking for a friend, of course.
chloe

Dat’s rite.

We’re back.  At least for one week, anyway.

So try to contain your enthusiasm…fDaXui9…because it’s really happening, people.

The long awaited reveal of the worst kept secret in the history of Reality TV.

And me finally getting off my lazy a** to recap Dance Moms like the good ol’ days.

Double Whammy.

Deuces

And it’s all because Chloe Lukasiak is back in the hizzle, yo.Dance-1Dq6V_f-maxage-0_zpsnafcxcymI know, right?

But first…

Dance-Moms-6x15-Recap-Melissa-should-be-sorryI know I’ve been slacking on this blog lately.  Bigly.

trump-dismissive-gif

Fact:  I missed you guys.  F’realz.

Alternative Fact:  Unfortunately, this hot mess of a site has catapulted me into such a stratospheric new level of #SuperStardom that I no longer have time for the little people anymore.

I’m kind of a big deal now.

putting-on-sunglasses-white-purple-wowtumblr_niujn0MVjB1tb8iyko1_500Or not, maybe.

Closer to the actual truth might be the fact that Lifetime TV (…and that lady in the orange…) still refuse to pay my rent each month, which means I’m required to continue working a real job in the real world for a real small paycheck.

An annoyance which has seriously cut into quality couch time in front of my widescreen.

Don’t get me wrong, tho.

I’m sure Lifetime would be more than willing to compensate me for all this hilarity if a certain Executive Producer wasn’t pissing away all the profits on gym memberships and designer LensCrafters frames.

But you didn’t hear that from me.bstgiphy-1Kidding.  He’s my boy.  It’s all good.

And if he thinks they makes him look like Clark Kent on Casual Friday…whatever.

Side note:  Did we ever get an answer as to why Melissa and Jill wore the same hair that day?

Jill_and_Melissa_-_Season_5_Reunion

What was that all about?

Side note 2:  Remember when they used to film the Reunion Shows in Kelly‘s basement?  That was back when Jill did her own hair.  BRAND_LFT_DMOM_110987_CRS_2997_060_20130920_V1_HD_768x432-16x9But they fancy now.  Real Housewives of Pittsburgh 4Life.

And as far as the MIA Dance Moms recaps, it’s not like we lost touch during my absence.

To the contrary, actually.

I heard from many of you on social media.

dance-moms-season-7-premiere-recap-remember-thistumblr_novr40oSA11uvr2ddo1_500dance-moms-7x08-recap-dance-mom-holly-frazier-gets-annoyedgotohell

You know.  The usual.giphy copy 4But now we’re all back together again.  In Pittsburgh.  Where it all began.

The birthplace of the ALDC.

And home to the ALDC.  But not the same ALDC.  Pay attention…because it’s confusing.

Turns out the Pittsburgh Abby Lee Dance Company is now the Appolonia Leake Dance Company.

Or at least on paper and in Yelp reviews.  Everything else still has the old name all over it.

One.  The fact that they found someone with the exact same initials to sign the lease is amazing.  If it’s a lease, I mean.  One Instagram account says Ms. Leake owns the ALDC now.

Two.  It’s not this Apollonia.

purple-rain-4The one riding on the back of Prince‘s motorcycle in Purple Rain spells her name with one ‘P’ and two ‘Ls’ and should be wearing a helmet.

The one that is slowly painting over all evidence that Abby Lee Miller ever stepped foot in the building is spelled with two ‘Ps’ and one ‘L.’  Because, of course it is.

Look at Abby ’bout ready to rip that damn sign right off the wall.

aldcSide note:  If they still have that Reign Dance Production marquee up on the highway, I’m not playing anymore.  Don’t even ask me where the Maryen Lorraine Dance Studio fits into all this mess.
7R0F35ORegardless.  E’rryone is back in PA for Nationals.  Because, you know.  The Road to Nationals.

As Holly and Nia Sioux took in the view from the parking lot, marveling at the gutted out flat top pavement and subzero temperatures, Abby was inside getting ready to not run the Pyramid of Shame.

potholeYou can’t see it in that photo, but Holly was wearing an 84K diamond cocktail necklace at 2 in the afternoon.  Because she can now.  And she did.

Remember when Nia was so little she used to disappear in those parking lot cracks  like they were sink holes?  Our little Sasha is all growed up like wicked big now.

Tumblr_lxm6cgZKhM1qmsq6vOnce everyone made it inside, all the girls fell into Beyoncé Formation one last time.

At least in Pittsburgh.  The whole show was in kind of a TMZ flux during filming.

Look at this and tell me you don’t feel old.

rehost-2016-9-13-93cc7c74-ed62-4578-b0bd-c4e7ca7f4e92lineupWhat the what with these little kids—?

And don’t tell me that it wasn’t a complete mindf*** to see all those new Moms mixed in with the Few & the Proud remaining Original Recipe Moms, all standing at the same Pure Barre railing that Mackenzie used to bump her head on every week.

Especially this Mom.

bowWho’s the perfect toxic mash-up of that lady who always screams at her kids…

54eaa11ab4bf2_-_h-wd1109-kate-gosselin-2…and that other lady who was always in the top/middle spot on Hollywood Squares.

RoseMarieI mean, c’mon.

bow1This is when I really wish Joan Rivers was still alive.

Oh.  And it was Pashmina Poncho Day at the ALDC.  But only for the OGs.

ponchoI’m not even sure who this kid is.  I don’t think she’s danced in the last 3 weeks, has she?dShe seems nice, tho.

And look at these two niblets.mini

As previously noted, there was so much to do this week (…Nationals!…) that Abby decided it was best to skip the Pyramid and get right down to bidnezz, which kind of disappointed me since I was really looking forward to one last creaky, dusty PA Pyramid.

687474703a2f2f696d61676573322e77696b69612e6e6f636f6f6b69652e6e65742f5f5f636232303133303430313134323734362f64616e63656d6f6d732f696d616765732f662f66652f5330312d4530315f30342d34322e6a7067#NeverForget.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  When the temperature drops, the fur comes out and the Bump-It goes up.

jillj2Fact:  It’s more accurate than the Weather Channel.  And if I’m lying, I’m dying.

This week (…at Nationals!…) Lilly, Elliana, Kalani and Brynn all scored solos, which meant that the two most senior members of the ALDC Team got nada.

reallyNia’s #SrslyFace is straight up #Goals.

Kendall didn’t seem as concerned, tho, probably because this was the week her new music video was going to be premiered to a throng of screaming young girls who shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a nightclub that has open liquor bottles displayed on the wall.

Spoiler Alert:

tumblr_olr1upJLds1tb8iyko1_500Q.  Where would I be without you?

But Nia and Kendall would at least be part of the Big Girl group routine (…cryptically entitled “Is There Still Hope?”…) where they would all portray characters from the seedier side of the PA streets.

Kalani was going to be the junkie.  KK schizophrenic.  Brynn was developing an eating disorder.  Newbie Camryn would rep the prostitutes.

200_s

And Nia was going to be in a gang, because…LaQuifa What?

imagestumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500reallySwear to Gawd.  Seven years later and Abby’s still trying to make her wear that lace front.

Full disclosure:  Initially, the group routine was going to be a number about conquering cancer, but Abby had forgotten that the girls had already sung that song with a pink ribbon way back in the old’n days.

Once the Moms reminded her that she was about to recycle a routine, Abby went and sat on her crash pad until Nia’s gang dance came to her in a vision.

a1abby dancing 2

#CrashPadMemories.  Good times.

And then the internet started to break:

Our first glimpse of Chloe and Christi and no-longer-a-baby Baby Clara.

First in a flashback, which explained the Lukasiaks’ Season 4 departure, but did nothing to address what exactly was happening in the back of Abby’s hair while Christi was ripping her a new one…

fb1…and then in a flashforward (…I think that should have been two words…) which made me a little emotional for my Toddlers & Tiaras crew.

Dance Moms:
tToddlers & Tiaras:

A-past-contestant-seen-on-Toddlers--Tiaras._gallery_primary

Dance Moms:c2

Toddlers & Tiaras:Toddlers_And_Tiaras_Recap

Dance Moms:claraLook at how big Clara got.  That’s crazy pants.

Long story short.  This…

tumblr_mebsdpvAYP1rytq3ko1_500…turned into this when nobody was looking.

c3Casa Lukasiak got a kitchen makeover with a pretty pricey refrigerator.

ch1

And this is a good color on Christi.ch4A Million Bonus Points:  That strategically placed Teen Choice Award surfboard was EVERYthing.

Remember when Chloe scored that giant foam slab in 2015 and so many girls screamed that all the neighborhood dogs started running in circles?  The Library was open on that Read when she read Abby at the podium, right?

Chloe-Lukasiak-teen-choice-winner-00

And her stunt double got one, too, which I thought was nice.  You don’t think our girl did 4 years of Christi vs. Abby fight scenes without some help, do you?  b083fe9562de173bc8d22e

A Million More Bonus Points:  After deciding to crash the Nationals party, Chloe said that if things got out of control, maybe the Federal Government could help them with Abby.

#OhNoSheDin’t.

tumblr_lq035oF2qT1qbnfoaMeanwhile, back at the ALDC, all the wrong Moms were up in the Original MomPerch all sitting in the wrong MomSpots.  Shout out to Holly for snagging her end seat, tho.  All those years running into a crowded school cafeteria finally paid off.  Dat’s my seat, yo.

dance-moms-holly-melissa

The new Moms gnawed on each others’ necks for awhile after finding out that Lilly’s Dad was doing the vocals on her solo music.  Which I guess would be an issue if her Dad was Nat King Cole or something.

But he’s not.  So relax.

mI literally can’t stop looking at that hair.

m1Look at Yolanda.  You know she wants to.

Public Service Announcement:  Brace yourselves, ladies.  Put your trays in the upright position and fix your lip gloss, cuz we’re all about to experience a #ZackAttack.

zToddlers_And_Tiaras_RecapI know, right?  So dreamy.

Little Zack Torres is now Big Zack Torres and he just made his triumphant return to the Candy Apples!

zorro7_zpsf6605685

Look at Ava back there.   She knows wassup.

z1I probably could’ve done without Cougar Cathy Nesbitt-Stein pointing out what a #ZackSnack he was in front of all the kids…but she’s old, not dead.  So I guess…you know.

cnsGot enough crap on those shelves?

And this Mom was back again.

haleySide note:  I realize that every time Melanie‘s on the show I point out how she once knocked over my soda at a Boston Food Court and just kept walking like she had somewhere to go, but I feel it needs constant repeating because it cost me almost $1.50 in gym bag change.

This Mom returned, too.

zzzzSssssh.  Don’t wake her.  She’s resting up for a Throw Down later.

The CADC group routine was going to be about Abduction and Human Trafficking, which was a heavy and emotionally disturbing subject to everyone.  Especially 20 years ago when the ALDC did it with a playground swing.  But, again…I’m not judging.  Out loud.

I’m not even sure who this Mom is, but she experienced abduction in her own family and that is both heartbreaking and not cool, so she was allowed to get emotional.

taraKeep your kids close.  Nobody should have to go through that.  Ever.

Alternative Fact:  I think I forgot to mention that Cathy was positively gleeful at the possibility of Abby ending up in Sing Sing when all the financial drama reached Sentencing.

You might to Google that before you go on CNN, honey.cns1Bonus MomPerch footage:  Please tell me you saw that interaction between Kira and Ashlee when Kira was all like ‘Don’t even tell me you’re gonna put that whole thing in you mouth all at once…”

ka

And Ashlee was all like “Watch me…”ka1

And Kira was all like “OhMyGod you totally did it.  How ’bout you chew your food?…”kiraAnd then Holly was all like #HollyFace.khaDisclaimer:  Kidding.

You know I love Ashlee even though she stopped following me on Twitter.  And let’s be real.  Whatever she was inhaling looked mighty tasty, so scoot over and break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar.

And then we were off to Kendall K’s music video premiere!!!!

kk

Starring Jill!
v

And more Jill!
v1And even more Jill!

tumblr_inline_mj71f0nIBR1qg907pGo home, Jill.  You’re drunk.

tumblr_olr1x3c44W1tb8iyko1_500Disclaimer(s):  You know Jill Vertes will always be my MomCrush.  Your arguments are invalid.

And I guess Kendall K’s actual…actual…online music video looks completely different and actually stars Kendall K.  So I’m not really sure what they premiered.  Or why Abby was selling merch in the lobby like it was a Grateful Dead tour.  Maybe she’s just a little short on cash.

(Too soon?)

Side note:  Not gonna lie.  I thought Abby was shaving Kate Gosselin’s back in this clip until I realized she was just autographing some of the DeadHead t-shirts.  You can’t even make this stuff up anymore.

akateThe next day, after a tearful last look at the ALDC studio in the rearview mirror, it was Showtime!

In an airplane hangar.  On the Planet Hoth.

Look at how far away the makeup tables were from the front door.

airAnd look at how how cold it was in there.

giphy-1actumblr_myulqp8MPg1r93xiko6_r1_500ahI’m pretty sure this show stopped making sense somewhere around the middle of Season One.

Everybody was freezing, which I guess would explain why the emcee’s cheeks were so pink during the Red Carpet photo op.  Careful with that mic, dude.

sb  You know what happened the last time somebody shoved something in her face.

ReJtLxHAnd then Cathy & Co. stampeded through the ALDC makeup hangar like they always do, pushing over both the vinyl banner and Holly’s last button.

hfThat’s enough Candy Apple nonsense for me, thank you very much.

Side note:  Isn’t this copyright infringement?

cokeCoca-cola advertLooks like Abby might have a roommate in Sing Sing after all.

And then Abby kinda sorta mentally shut down and didn’t even bother to give the girls their normal pre-game pep talk, which got an already frustrated Holly even more frustrated.

harmFact:  She’s literally been waving that right arm in the air for 7 years.

And then finally, it was really Showtime!

Programming Note:  Since we’re running a little long given the 2 hour broadcast, I’ll try to trim the fat to speed up the process.

Zack’s makeup was on point.

zz

Zack’s Mom.  When your son has better contouring than you, why even bother.torres

I love Gina.

Human Prop Vivi-Anne was back to reclaim her title as Miss Human Abduction Prop 2017.

vivZack scooped her up faster than Chunky Monkey on Ben & Jerry’s Free Cone Day.  I love Vivi-Anne almost as much as she loves ice cream.  Which is a lot.  And more than dancing.

giphy-2Why this kid doesn’t have a sitcom yet, I swear…

Lilly’s Dad looks like the guy from The Commish after he shaved his head.  And her brother’s gonna be a heart breaker once he stops sleeping with a retainer.

familylillyThis random guy’s eyebrows, tho.  I just can’t.  And neither can Kira.

eyeWait for it…

cc1

There’s Holly’s right arm again.armWait for it…

cc2There was even some dancing, but you’re gonna have to Google the results.  You know the rules.

minis khh aldc l2Wait for it…

cccryKate Gosselin almost punched out that other Mom after the competition.

push fightAnd then…

Wait for it…

wait-whatOk. Now.

maxresdefault tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko1_500 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko3_400 tumblr_olr2p7RuYE1tb8iyko2_400Everyone.  Lost.  Their.  Minds.

Holly was a #HotMess.

hjc

Jill wasn’t sure how she felt about Christi’s off-the-shoulder peasant dress.jc

Chloe was thinking about getting back into competition mode.compete

Christi already needed a drink. clThere were hugs and kisses and screams and more hugs and more kisses and more screaming.

And then just like that…it was over.

Or was it?  Is it?

Chloe was back.

Or was she?

Can you really go home again?

To be continued…

Lolppo

Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Return For One Last Look At The City Of Angels Mama Drama.

Wednesday, August 19th, 2015

mz

 

 

Swear to Gawd. If you’re filming this and I end up on that stupid blog, Imma sue you so hard.

 

 

hb

 

 

I will pick you up and carry you outta here, little boy. You see these arms? Mama does pilates.

 

 

js2

 

 

Cuz I will literally hitchhike back to PA if I have to watch that damn bra scene one more time.

 

iph6

 

 

Today’s show was brought to you by the letters A,L,D,C and the new iPhone 6 Plus sparkle case.

 

 

4dma

 

 

 

My a** she’s 45.

 

 

jmd

 

 

 

No. Really. You can let go now, honey. I’m actually here to see that other lady sitting over there.

 

 

jh

 

 

They’re gonna have to cut this pink coat off my cold, dead body. I look just like Rihanna, right?

 

 

 

I swear.

Family Reunions are exhausting.  Truly.

Between texting the invites (…Spoiler Alert:  and the un-invites…) and planning the menu and making sure your seating arrangements don’t result in a straight up bar brawl, the entire process can easily wear a person out before the guests even arrive.

Not to mention getting your hair did and picking out the right cocktail dress.

But leave it to The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh to get it done.

Dance Moms wrapped up and threw down this week with a look back at the most dramatic, turbulent, bleeped-out ALDC season yet.  And they even did it in fancy clothes.

After racking up more frequent flyer miles than the last four seasons combined, it was time to head back into that mysterious underground Collins Avenue Bunker and relive the magic one last time.  Cue the Infomercial Audience, because it’s time for…

Season 5: We Made It Out Alive.

almFrom the start, it was clear that sumthin was up.

Instead of opening up with my boy Jeff Collins nervously sitting at the cool table with Abby Lee Miller, this time around we got a flashback to a few hours earlier with Melissa and my MomCrush Jill in hot rollers, swiping through their cellphones, wondering if Abby was even going to show up for the Reunion Show taping.

Pretty hurts.  Trust me.

jv

Apparently, Abby had sent a mass text to all the Moms telling them to NOT show up for the taping, which clearly worked really well since everyone was already present and accounted for in the makeup chairs getting Mall Hair at 9:15 in the morning.

Kira had blocked Abby to prevent any unnecessary tweets and texts.  Holly had requested a sassy, on-trend messy bun.  And Jessalynn had straight up snatched the Biggest Bump-It Ever Award right out from under Jill’s nose while she was looking down at her phone.  You see that thing?

anigif_enhanced-16040-1410290361-12

Even Jess was all like DaaannnngGurrrrl…ILookGoooood.

jsTwo hours later, Abby finally arrived with a glass of Diet Coke that I swear she stole from Cracker Barrel.  Where else did it come from?  That was totally a glass they give you at restaurants with a lime, even if you say No Lime.

Everyone was all like “She’sHereShe’sHere!!” but Abby refused to speak to anyone, instead just sitting down in her assigned spot with a pile of construction paper notes that she pulled out of a giant bag and immediately tucked under her badonk for safe keeping.

She’s coming to set!  She’s just sitting in the chair!  She’s got papers!

She’s got explosives!

Beaker

Side note:  Have we learned nothing from Bravo TV?  Props at Reunion Shows are just asking for trouble.  Even if they’re just handwritten scribbles that you hold up like you’re being asked a question on The Newlywed Game.

Q.  How do you like the recap so far, Quad?

tumblr_mnjk67HVyW1ql5yr7o1_500Sure enough, as soon as production got rolling (…three hours late, if you’re counting…) Jeff asked Abby what she thought of the season finale debacle at Nationals and she started throwing up 8x10s like they were gang signs.

a1Lawd.  It was gonna be a long hour if this is how she’s playing it.

sheldon-throwing-papers-gifSide note:  The Moms were already seated around Jeff.  No intros this year.  No name tags.  Nothing.  We know them all by now, right?

Except for Jill and Melissa, maybe.  Not gonna lie.  Love them both, but I was having trouble telling them apart for most of the episode now that they have that Bouffant-y Blonde BFF Twin Thang going on.  Was it just me?

They looked to their right together.

mjAnd then straight ahead together.

mj3And then over there together.

mj2And then gave majorly awesome SideEye together.

mj6When they left the studio after taping, their hats even blew off together.

giphy-1But I love them.  Separately or together.

The controversy over Nationals (…Fixed?  Orchestrated?  Hot Mess?…) continued with Jess and Dr. Voice Of Reason Holly wondering why Abby had never questioned the authenticity of the awards back when the ALDC was winning everything.  Now that they came in Second Place you’re gonna start name calling?  Is that how we do?

Personally, I was questioning what kind of third rate local PR Agency this dude they kept calling Frank from Nationals (…not to be confused with Jake from State Farm, I guess…) uses if his entire reputation is being dragged through the Pittsburgh potholes on national television.

1.  This is Jake from State Farm.  Why isn’t he wearing a headset like the other guy?

tumblr_static_tumblr_static_bxbng5tfvvw4ksw048gk040oo_1280.jpg

2.  This is Frank from Nationals.  Why isn’t he drunk yet?

fAbby claimed that she didn’t know Frank and that they weren’t friends and that the ALDC had never gone to one of his (…allegedly…) crooked competitions, which was right about when my boy Bryan Stinson came out of the shadows long enough to shut it down before this thing turned into a two-parter.  Busted, lady.

Moral of the Story:  Jake fixes claims.  Frank doesn’t fix anything.  And Bryan wears a US Government-issued Secret Service earpiece for some reason.

Next question:  Where’s Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Candy Apples?

Answer:  There was no answer.  But Jeanette Cota got to come out and yell at Abby, so it was kind of the same thing.  At least until Jeff awkwardly decided to ‘Put A Pin In It’ and send Jeanette home 42 seconds later.

(That’s his legally copyrighted Housewives Catch Phrase, BTW.)

jc

Seriously.  Check the Instant Replay.  42 seconds, not counting getting situated in her snugly dress.  Apparently she left her flat iron plugged in or something, because Jeanette didn’t even have time to put a decent dent in the seat cushion before Jeff said “I know you need to leave” and sent her packing until Season Six.

Thanks for playing.  If you leave now, you’ll beat traffic.  Buh bye.  Wait.  What?

Side note: There were also random ALDC dance performances interspersed throughout the hour, but I know you’ve watched them a gazillion times on youtube, so I’m skimming through the artsy stuff.  The girls looked good, though.  They’re getting so big.

Next topic:  The lack of dance classes and/or dance training now that the gang had relocated to Hollywood.  Which is kinda sorta true.

We flashbacked to my MomCrush flipping out on Abby over stretch classes and then learned that all along we should have been doing our homework in full leotard splits.  We don’t need no dance teacher to put us through inner thigh stretches and flip flops while we go about our daily lives.

Who knew?

If you want the truth, I’m already kinda looking forward to the next time I balance my checkbook.  My goal is a 9.9 from the Russian judge if I can stick the landing.

jc1

Side note:  I liked the way Jeff kept looking off to the side to make sure Bryan was still there in the darkness.  Like…Dude, don’t even think of leaving me here alone.  You just know every corner of that studio was marked with people holding Maybelline oil blotting sheets and stun guns.

And how about this guy here, who can’t believe his life right now.  First his girl makes him miss the Game and come all the way downtown to the show and then she spends the whole hour gossiping with some random chick she doesn’t even know.

Worst.  KissCam.  Ever.

auAnd then we got to relive BraGate one more time.

You remember that one.  That was when Kira and her Hormones (…not to be confused with Jem and the Holograms, I suppose…) completely melted down in Fresno, forcing two hotel caterers to throw themselves over the back hallway staircase railing right before Abby pulled her top off like it was the last day of Spring Break.

And you know I’m dying to post that photo one more time.  You just know it.

But I promised I would not post that photo again this season.  People even begged me online through a Kickstarter page that’s almost up to $9.42.  So I won’t.

Instead, though, here’s a photo of a baby sneezing until it falls over.  Which is pretty much the same reaction I had when Abby took her top off, anyway.  Same diff.

Plus, Holly loves this gif.  So please do enjoy.

ac63e126f65b565db9bf4f58611bec74.jpgAbby claimed that she didn’t hug Kalani that day because there were so many kids begging for hugs that it went on and on and on for so long that she had to make it stop.

Previously unseen footage from that day in question:

72502-kissing-minions-gif-Imgur-8PBsJess and Holly were quick to jump in and point out that there were only 6 children in the entire building and if you hugged each of them for 5 seconds it would still only total up to 30 seconds of your life that you’d never get back.

Finally.  Dance Math I can understand.

Side note:  Jeff said “Simmer Down” which is something you usually only hear spoken by the same people who use the word “Shenanigans.”  Just needed to be pointed out.

And how about these guns, yo?

#HollyArms.haSomebody’s been doing their curls and dips.

True Fact:  I even got a tweet asking me if I knew what her arm workout was.  Because she and I are so tight, you know.

Yes, we’re besties.  But I’m not allowed to go to the gym with her because I take too long primping after we’re done Zumba class.  Some of us don’t wake up like dis, thank you.

And Mama hates waiting around.  Time is money, especially when you’re being strategic about your daughter’s new music career.

We even got a closeup of those arms in action when Holly threatened to knock over a tripod camera and walk off the set after she and Jill got into a…umm…rather heated discussion on whether or not the West Coast had changed Dr. Frazier, which escalated quickly into an argument on tardiness, falsifying information and whether or not The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia ever went to school.

#HollyHulkSmash.

Here’s a thought:  If your Mama is a former school principal, I’m pretty certain you’re getting an education somehow somewhere.

Luckily, my boy Bryan picked up on all the drama in his left ear and jumped out of the shadows one more time to keep Holly on set.  He even posed just like this, which is the same pose he uses on his Learning Annex Self Help Seminar posters and the same pose he used when he unveiled the new iPads last year.

Am I lying?  I swear he’s the same guy from the Apple website.

bs

Side note:  Holly made this face a lot when she just wasn’t having it anymore.

hniAnd then we got to see the full premiere of Nia’s new music video!!

Yaaaaaas, Gawd.  #SLAY.

Fabulously introduced by my new Fabulous boy Mikey Minden, who had shown up at Frank from Nationals…umm…Nationals…last week to unveil the completed jam to a full house crowd, the video was on fire.nmFiyah.

tumblr_nsme5526OE1tb8iyko3_500Yeah.  What she said.

Side note:  Abby made this face when a Big Girl popped up on screen.  Bad memories, I guess.  And what’s going on with that guy behind her in the First Day of School hoodie?

Watch him Whip.  Watch him Nene.  Or not.

avFinally, there was just enough time to get Kira married off.

Dat’s rite.  After taking heat and hot flashes for being with child with no ring, Kira’s boyfriend David showed up to propose.  Just like on Ellen or something.

I know Jill was excited to see him.  You see her clamp onto him like a bear trap?  Don’t stick your foot in that.  Just saying.

We love David.  He’s a rather handsome gentleman, too.

d

He’s kind of a cross between the guy who hosts The Bachelor and somebody who would be ON The Bachelor giving good GuyCry.  Am I right?  Especially with Holly and Jess’s abnormally big hair in the way, doesn’t this picture look exactly like a scene from last season’s Fantasy Suite elimination?

d1Look at how happy they are.  David even kissed Kalani on the head.

kkAbby’s split personality oddly kicked in during the engagement festivities as she ran around in circles taking pictures on her iPhone.  That was strange.  But it was nice to see everyone on the same side for a few minutes.  Congratulations to the happy couple.

These two wish he wasn’t off the market, tho.  You can just tell.

451And then it was over.  Pretty much.

Abby rambled on for a few minutes about the future of the ALDC and about going out when you’re on top even though they’re not on top right now and something about how the girls are growing up and can no longer compete in the junior age categories and she’s going to Panama with Maddie and Mackenzie and how she’s only 45 years old and she didn’t say she was dismantling the team Jeff said that and she was planning on retiring but she didn’t and now she is ending one journey and beginning another one and she kept talking in one long run-on sentence just the way I’m typing it now which made it so hard to understand that I stopped listening after they said there would be a Season Six.

I dunno.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500 It’s over.  But it’s not over.  And that’s all that matters.

We’re just taking a break.  Before you know it…Dance Moms will be back again.

Season 5 is in the can.  We made it through another one.  And it’s been a blast.

And that calls for a celebration.

Nia.  Sing us outta here, willya?

See you guys next season!

Muah.

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