DanThat'sCool!

 

 

This is the deal. Next time we either get the couches back, or Mama’s bringing her padded Steelers bleacher cushion.

 

 

 

 

Seriously. If this blonde chick says ‘Motor Boat’ one more time…it’s on.

 

 

 

 

 

I was promised that Paige’s number would be cut and replaced with my Gangnam Style.

 

 

 

 

 

 I hate my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let’s see who’s crying after I slap a bitch. Let’s go!

 

 

 

 

 

So, should I wake her up or just keep going until the next commercial break?

 

 

 

 

 

Oh. Hell. No. I didn’t bust out a new hair bow just to find out there’s no ice cream.

 

 

 

Second verse…same as the first.

Except maybe crazier.

It was Round Two for the Dance Moms Reunion this week, packed with even more of what we’ve come to love.

More competition, more yelling, more accusations…and more Moms.

The Original Recipe Moms.  The Hot New Mom.  The Former Mom.

Even one unsuspecting senior citizen Mom from Ohio in a complete fog, minding her own business in the audience, who somehow got caught in Abby Lee Miller‘s crossfire.

It was literally a Momapalooza.

Taking a nod from the Real Housewives franchise, my boy Jeff Collins had everyone stick around for a second week of talking smack in their fancy clothes, which pretty much always guarantees high drama as the day wears on and the stiletto feet start to hurt.

You know they always save the good stuff for the last show.

So everyone was back for more, just like on Bravo TV.  Except that when the cameras go back to Andy Cohen in some glittery Las Vegas hotel for Round Two, all the Housewives are still sitting there on the couches, uncomfortably glaring at each other or licking their front teeth like pageant girls.

For some reason on Dance Moms though, they felt the need to scoot everyone backstage and reintroduce them to the same audience again.  Like we’d never seen them before.  Granted, the whole process probably only took 45 seconds total, but that’s 45 seconds that someone could have been throwing shade.

Time is money, people.  And I bought snacks specifically for this evening.

Abby was first out on stage, just like last week, accompanied by a quick montage of some of this season’s New Mama Drama starring Kristie with a K and Jackie Lucia.

Oh, Kristie.  I may have mentioned once or twice over the last few weeks how much I love me some Kristie.

Seriously.  Love.

Every time the cashier at my grocery store holds up the line by checking her text messages under the counter I always wonder how Mama JLo would handle the situation.  Then my eyes get real big, I reach over the credit card scanner, hand her my coupons and slap the bitch into yesterday.

Let’s go!  Get off your phone.  Ring up my bag of Ruffles BBQ.  And then let’s go.

Jeff asked Abby to compare the New Moms to the Original Recipe Moms, and we got an ear full.  New Moms: Respectful.  Old Moms: Not so much.

Keeping with the same theme, he moved on to Sophia vs. Maddie and Asia vs. Mackenzie.

If you watch the show, you didn’t really need Abby to break down the differences between all the kids.  You could probably figure that one out by yourself.

One point Abby did make was that tiny SassyPants Asia probably didn’t know who Bob Fosse was, which apparently must come up in playground discussions a lot more than it did when I was in second grade.

If you’re 7 years old and can do the whole Single Ladies dance better than Beyoncé, who really cares who Bob Fosse is?  That’s what Google is for, mmmkay?

Then some random Soccer Mom in the audience inappropriately asked Abby if the Original Recipe Moms were jealous of Kristie’s awesome sauce hotness and the whole thing kind of collapsed into a discussion about skinny waistlines and boobs that could make a grown man cry.

Which was Kristie’s cue to come out on stage.

By the way, from now on I have decided to enter every room the same way Kristie does.

Like a hot a** Diva Bitch.

Arms opened wide.  Hugs.  Air kisses.  I have arrived.

I’ll pass on the Chair Guy bumbling behind me again, as well as the full length white gown.  Don’t get me wrong.  Looked faboo on her.  I just don’t have the height.

And now that you mention it, she did kind of look like Cher doing an opening number from the old Sonny & Cher Show, with that whole long hair and gown thing going on.

But she also kind of looked like a runaway bride from some Telemundo telenovela.  So I wasn’t really sure if she was going to sing Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves or throw a champagne glass against the wall and slap a housekeeper.

Love.  Her.

And then it was all about the crying scandal that rocked the ALDC:  Asiagate.

Again.

Did she cry?  When did she cry?  Did Mom try to hide her in the bathroom?  Why is a 7 year old acting like such a…I don’t know…a 7 year old?

Get Jill out here.  And Christi.  And a video montage of Kendall crying.  And then make Kendall do a solo dance in front of everyone right after the video.

Yeah…that happened.

After a few audience members blacked out from epileptic seizures (…seriously…did you see those strobe lights during Kendall’s solo?  A little warning would have been nice…) it was nothing but tears.

Side note.  During Kendall’s solo I finally figured out what that odd Mardi Gras studio reminds me of with all its beads and Senior Play lighting.

Star Trek.  Or Lost in Space.  Or any of those old, low budget sci-fi shows before there were CGI effects.  I swear Kendall was dancing in the same room where Captain Kirk kissed a Vulcan princess while he was trippin’ on space juice.

Tell me I’m not wrong.

After the solo, it was probably a good 90 minutes of arguing about whether or not Asia was born with working tear ducts, why Kendall cried every week regardless of whether she was yelled at or not, why Jill cared so much about Asia’s emotional state, why we were all still having this discussion in the first place and why they’re not all saving those tears for their pillows anyway, like it says in the damn contract.

Abby interjected something about how only kids with no food should be allowed to cry and then Jill said Asia was a Hot Mess in every group number.

Secretly, even though I totally heart Jill, I wanted JLo to pound a Bump-It back into her skull just for good TV.  But violence isn’t the answer, kids.

Or at least not when you’re wearing couture.

Before it went completely Christi on Kristie, we were treated to a video montage of squeaky little Sophia’s short Dance Moms tenure.  And then her solo, entitled SuperStar.

Which they had to spell out in the lyrics, since apparently the show should also be a learning experience given the fact that kids are at home watching TV instead of doing their homework on a Tuesday night.

Honestly, I didn’t realize how many times the songs spell out their own titles until later in the show when Mackadoodle performed her own dance and they had to sound out the word ‘Lemonade’ for me.

Go back and check your DVR this season.  It’s true.  The More You Know.

Melissa and Jackie Lucia joined the crowd after sending JLo back to the Green Room (…Boo…!) where they gave Jeff a lesson in the difference between Spins and Turns.

Yes.  It’s true that Sophia can reverse the clock and go back in time like Superman did just by spinning herself into thin air.  Which is a pretty big deal if you ask me.  But Mom didn’t want her to be remembered as simply the dancing Tasmanian Devil.  And she certainly didn’t want Sophia remembered for being part of the Fight Club known as the ALDC.  They are both way too soft spoken for any of that dramz.

So as you’ll recall, Jackie had pulled Sophia out of Pittsburgh before they had even finished unpacking, and that had resulted in some long term tension between the Moms.

Given that Jackie didn’t want to be around all the negativity, and that realistically it would have been almost impossible to take either of them seriously during an argument when they both sound like characters from a Disney holiday cartoon, it was best for everyone that they just move on and check Pittsburgh off their Bucket List.

Thanks for playing.  Love your hair.

One more side note.  Abby shouldn’t sit on those high chairs with one foot on her stool and one foot on Melissa’s.  She just shouldn’t.  Unless she’s giving a motivational speech to a football team going into the last quarter of the Super Bowl, of course.

Otherwise, just don’t do that again, please.

Eventually, Abby headed out back and Kelly and Holly joined the girls on stage .  The Old and the New.  And the Uncomfortable.

Holly felt that it was insulting for Jackie to diss the ALDC.  Jackie asked why they even stay at the studio if it’s nothing but throw downs and breakdowns.  Christi wanted to know where Jackie and JLo were three years ago and Kelly wanted to go on record as saying she did NOT show the Lucias the front door.

Jill phutzed with her 47 bracelets a lot.  Ssssh.  Stop that.

Finally, the newbies were sent to the Green Room to babysit Vivi-Anne as all the originals filled the stage.

Even Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein.

Let the games begin, please.

When questioned, Cathy stated that she would maybe, possibly, potentially, might consider taking Chloe on as a student at the Candy Apples Dance Center.

Maybe.  Not an offer.  Just saying.

She would also only choose Holly or Melissa to watch her kid during a national emergency, since the rest of them are all unreliable loose cannons.  Which I guess implied that JLo and Jackie were out back poking Vivi-Anne with a stick or something.

Another Soccer Mom asked Cathy which Downton Abbey characters remind her of herself and Abby, since apparently Cathy must tweet about the show.

I’ve never actually seen the program, so I have to assume it must conflict with some Reality trash on my viewing schedule.  But Cathy compared Abby to some car on the show, and since the only two TV cars I know are the talking one from Knight Rider and Herbie the Love Bug (…back before Lindsay Lohan got all coked up…) I had no idea what was going on.

Luckily Abby came to my rescue by changing the subject and calling Cathy’s Mom her “Poor Pathetic Mother.”

Oh, snap.  Did you just diss my Mom?

Shut up.  And Mom was right there in the audience.  Girlfriend perked up like they had just called her number at Bingo.

They even gave Vivi-Anne’s Grandma some Honey Boo Boo subtitles as she called Abby a disgrace and pointed in the air like she was picking out deli meat.

Best part?  The little girl next to her was all like totally OMG I love this show.  Her little friends are gonna be totz jealz tomorrow.  Totz.

And then it was nothing but screaming, yelling and accusations that Abby now suffered from PTSD as a result of being beaten by Cathy’s handbag.

She struck me.  Dramatic pause.

Kelly had time to sneak in a few more zingers regarding Anthony Burrell calling out Paige‘s floppy legs in front of an entire auditorium at the last competition and how hurtful it had been.  Regardless of whether Abby had set up her daughter in front of the crowd, or if Anthony was just being Tony the Tool, the whole scene horrified Paige to the point where she had refused to perform her solo during the Reunion Show.

Abby was quick to point out that you don’t getter better sitting on your butt, and then Kelly got a little twisted.

By the time Abby told Cathy that her pathetic mother was nothing to her, and that Cathy was nothing to her, and that Cathy is something that should be shoved dow the toilet with a plunger, Jeff was pretty much breaking out in some serious lip sweat and nervous pee.

And then he did what I do whenever I’m in a tense situation and can’t figure out what to do next:  I panic.

Hey, everyone!  Let’s dance!

And the Award for Most Awkward Transition of 2013 goes to Mr. Jeff Collins.  Come on up and get your trophy, dude.

With two minutes to go, all the kids ran out and performed the famous Rosa Parks group number in a last ditch attempt at breaking the tension.

And maybe it worked for some viewers.  For me, it just made me wonder why they hadn’t been using elastic chin straps all along.

I know, right?

Hats were flinging off and flying off and falling off at every performance this year, and now that we’re done with the season you decide to invest in rubber bands?

Somebody needs a JLo slap.

And then it was over.

But only for a few weeks.  And then they’re back.

So we’ll see you then for more hilarity.

And Grandma…what do you think of my Dance Moms recaps?

 

 

Bad Girls, Bad Girls. Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when Britney Spears comes for you?

 

 

 

 

And the award for “Best Whacky Gay Sidekick With No Name Helping Carry In A Butt Kissing Bench” goes to…

 

 

 

 

It’s The Dance Moms Drinking Game! Take a shot every time someone yells. Or swears. Or cries. Bonus shot ski  if they yell and swear and cry all at once.

 

 

 

 

I’m taking the first kid I grab and hitting the road. This hair is way too big for a studio this small. Peace out, bitches.

 

 

 

 

All the Single Ladies. If you like it then you better put some Pork on it.

 

 

 

 

O. M. G.

D. M. O.

S. O. S.

It was Dance Moms Overload this week…somebody help me.  You might need a snack to get through this one.

Abby Lee Miller is back.

That’s right.  Before we even had time to rinse the Toddlers & Tiaras taste out of our mouths, all the Crazy Dancing and Dancing Crazies just came screaming back onto our plasmas, bringing with them two distinct options.

Rejoice.  Or Run.

Remembering everything that had gone down so far this season, your first choice should probably have been to run, but I know how comfortable that couch is after a long day.

Short Term Memory issues?  No worries.

The opening act was a full hour of Abby’s Most OMG Moments.  Comfortably perched in that Liberace Glitter Closet where she can oversee All Things Dance, Abby flashed back through the Top 20 jaw dropping, forehead slapping, OhNoTheyDin’t moments so far.

Like the day after Thanksgiving, Abby’s hit list of OMGs gave us all the best parts of the bird reheated and shoved back down our throats one more time, whether we were hungry or not.

You’re gonna eat it.  And you’re gonna like it.

#20.  Put On Your Game Faces, And Maybe Fix Your Hair In A Room With A Mirror.  

Making their entrance into one of the many competitions this season, Abby and her little dancers were about to come face to face with crazy villainess Chaos Cathy Nesbitt and the Candy Apples Contingent.

After letting her team sprawl all around the lobby doing the most technically unsafe, neck bending sit-ups ever seen in the world of fitness, Cathy huddled in the corner with all her Apples like meerkats do when they’re about to get eaten by a hawk.  As Abby approached with her dancers, in that windblown flash mob way they always enter a room, Cathy whispered Don’tLookAtThemDon’tLookAtThem over and over like some kind of religious cult mantra.

Both troupes repeatedly hummed GameFacesGameFaces until Abby broke the tension and waved a quick “Hollah” at the Apples.  That was nice, right?

The single pink roller still stuck in her hair was also nice touch.  And it didn’t go unnoticed by Cathy or my favorite bad a** red haired Mom, as they both laughed like they had just backed over the neighbors’ annoyingly bratty kid with their SUV.

You know that red haired Mom totally tweeted about the curler as soon as Abby pulled it out of her ‘do.  With a big LOL at the end.

#19.  Oops…Peyton Did It Again.  Hot For Teacher.

It was the Naughty School Girl Number, and Abby had slutted  the girls up like mini-Britney Spears video vixens.  Trying to channel Catholic school girls gone bad, Abby knotted up their white shirts and tore their fishnets to artfully imply that 7 foot tall bully Peyton had roughed them up on the playground.

Peyton’s Mom Leslie, who is clearly Pennsylvania’s authority on bullying, took some offense to the outfits and the fact that her Amazon kid was the one chosen to be the bad seed.

That sound you just heard was the apple not falling far from the tree.

#18.  The Gift(s) That Keep On Giving. 

In her never ending attempts at scoring Kendall top billing on every gymnasium marquee in America, Real Housewife of Pittsburgh Jill has invested a good chunk of change this season on bribery gifts.

Whether it’s one of those mark-down cologne sets they sell at TJMaxx on Black Friday or secret massages in the storage closet, Jill showered Abby with more gifts this season than the rest of us receive on our birthdays and Christmas combined.

The one that took the cake was her front lobby bench, complete with an engraved Things Remembered plaque, emblazoned with “To Abby With Love. Now Go Break Maddie’s Knees And Put My Kid On Stage” or some such gibberish.

The gift itself was over the top, but it was nothing compared to whoever that dude was who helped Jill yank the bench out of the van.

I’m not too proud to say I’m officially obsessed with finding out how she scored herself a whacky gay sidekick/assistant on such short notice.

Wrapped up in his Dance Moms: Miami scarf, the guy shlepped the bench into the entryway and then clutched the previously positioned, yet suddenly displaced, trophy like he was Susan Lucci.

I applaud your win, Sir.  No one deserved it more.

#17.  Don’t Make Holly Smack You With Her Doctorate.

This one was Mom Holly butting heads with Abby.

Holly had a job and couldn’t always be at the studio.  Abby wanted Nia to single handedly take on every ethnic dance ever choreographed, and do it dressed like a National Geographic Special every week.

We can skim right past this one, since it will happen again next week.

#16.  Kelly Interrupts A Rehearsal And Swears And Threatens To Quit.

Ditto.  Next week?  Same scene.  Different outfit.

#15.  It’s An Audition For The Joffrey Ballet.  Shut Your Pizza Hole, Woman.

Stick all the Moms, and all the Candy Apples, into one crammed hallway.  Add some pizza slices and poor pointe shoe technique, and you have all the makings for a great bitch fest that was guaranteed to distract both Mr. Joffrey and most likely any cab drivers down on the street level.

As Team Abby worked on their ballet stuff in the audition room, Cathy and Kelly got into it outside the door when Cathy casually observed that Brooke’s feet looked eerily similar to Danny DeVito’s in the second Batman movie.

With that bad a** red haired Mom right in the middle of things again (…she has Fight Club radar, I swear…) one by one all the Moms pig piled on Cathy, like a nursery full of babies all waking up at the same time.

I have no idea how Mr. Joffrey contained himself enough to not slap the spaz right out of Cathy.  I also have no idea how she found pizza upstairs at the Joffrey.  According to the CW Network, ballet dancers don’t even eat.

Go figure.

#14.  Cathy Goes For The Nose.

It was Cathy vs. Christi.

I love when they throw down.  It’s Krystal and Alexis without the hair pulling.

At least so far.  We can only hope.

#13.  Kelly Swears Again.  But This Time It’s The “W” Word.

Blah Blah Blah.  Kelly and Abby went at it again as a random Mom scooted everyone out the door.

But this time Kelly called Abby a whore!

Yeah.  For realz.  And then Kelly took a drink out of her styrofoam cup, which was totally like she was toasting herself for saying it.

I still haven’t figured out Kelly’s hair, and it’s been almost two years. But I love her crazy face when she loses it.

#12.  Taking Out The White Trash.

Another screaming match at the studio.

When all the Moms took their kids and their Vera Bradley bags and stormed out the front door, Abby called them White Trash.

Hello, Pot.  Meet Kettle.

 #11.  Maybe If You Scream “Role Model” A Little Louder She’ll Hear You.

Another screaming match.  By now I was losing track.

Someone screamed something about being a role model, which I found quite ironic.

#10.  A Little Whine And Cheese Before We Kick You Out?

All the Moms got together out in the Real World, which was a great opportunity to have some snacks at a Mom home and snoop in the medicine cabinet while everyone else was downstairs in the kitchen.

After a few cocktails and half a Hickory Farms cheese log, the conversation got around to Abby’s favoritism and the special attention that Melissa’s two daughters receive at the studio.

Though not as sloppy as The Jersey Shore, you know what happens when you try to have a conversation after chugging down a wine box.

Melissa stormed out, quickly followed by Jill.

I’ll give the Moms all props.  How they drink and eat and scream all at the same time without biting the inside of their mouths or the tip of their tongues is an art form.  I can’t even answer my cell with a mouthful.

I bow to them.

#9.  And Just Like That…Poof!  Jill And Her Poof Are Gone.

Even with all the cologne and furniture, Kendall ended back on probation and Jill blew a nutty.  As Abby spewed a veritable grocery list of Kendall’s flaws, both Jill and her Pittsburgh Poof got more tightly wound until they both finally popped.

Snatching her kid like she was hoisting her Louis bag off the conveyor belt at JFK Airport, Jill vowed to leave and take Kendall to a studio who could appreciate her talents.

There was crying, and big hair and over accessorizing…everything that we’ve grown to love about Jill.

She set the GPS for Ohio and you know how that story ends.

#8.  Leslie’s Golden Rules Of Parenting.

Take the criticism and shut up.  If you don’t like it, go somewhere else.  I said shut up.

The End.

#7.  Is That Jerky In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Tommy’s Jerky Emporium Palooza Warehouse, or whatever it was called, needed to get more business.  Run by Cathy’s husband Mike (…whose Broadway stage name is Canton’s Jerky King…) both the business and Mike himself appear to be dead weight awkwardly stuck to Cathy’s side.

Times are tough, and Cathy figured a commercial would bring in more customers and put more money in the cash registers.

Filling the freezer with sellable jerky and preventing Mike from eating half the profits would also benefit the business, but maybe that’s just my observation.

Figuring she could kill two birds with one stone, Cathy somehow coerced Christi into allowing smiley little Chloe to appear in the commercial.  As Mike chewed off another percent or two of company profit, Chloe was forced to dance in the now infamous Meat Unitard.

Looking like a Jennifer Lopez lint roller that was dragged through a deli counter, poor Chloe survived with her dignity intact, though she did lose a slice of pepperoni or two in the back I noticed.

#6.  More Drama At Peyton Place.

After finishing up the Naughty School Girl number, everything fell apart in the back room.  Even though Peyton had incorrectly taped the “Kick Me” sign on a Good Girl’s back, she still felt that she had done better than most of the other dancers.

Snotty attitude, much?  Let’s just say that Abby Lee Miller don’t play dat.

#5.  Melissa’s Matrimonial Meltdown.

Since I don’t get why Melissa is so freaked out about the other Moms discussing her upcoming nuptials, I leave this one to the lawyers.

You would think that finally legalizing your relationship with the Mystery Man who has been cutting dance checks in exchange for booty calls would make everything less covert, but that’s just me.  Since her beau and Judge Judy are both on speed dial, we’ll move right along.

#4.  Brooke Shakes Her Pom Poms Somewhere Else.

Another Kelly vs. Abby kind of thing.  This time because Brooke wanted to try out for Cheerleading, which in my day required that you smile once in awhile.

She’s back.

#3.  Cathy Goes For The Nose, Again.  This Time Under The Sparkling Disco Ball.

Krystal and Alexis got a little closer to some hair pulling in this round.  Between witty repartee surrounding Christi’s metallic ensemble and some Goodwill donations, I almost missed the crazy old lady from Candy Apples taking it all in like she was at the best Bingo Night evah.  She was so captivated I think she missed the Early Bird Special.

Someday I hope to be trapped in an elevator with Bingo Lady and Jill’s whacky gay sidekick and marvel at them both until my head explodes.

#2.  Git Along, Little Jill Doggie.

Second only to the infamous Meat Unitard is Jill’s out of character cowboy hat.

Apparently thinking that the straw iParty hat would allow her to more easily blend in with the locals, Jill was looking like that person we all worked with who always dressed up for Theme Day.

When Abby refused to allow Kendall to wear the $500 costume that Jill was trying to sneak in under the radar (…and call it home made, natch…) our little cowgirl got her saloon pantaloons all in a bunch, threw a shoe and then headed out of Dodge.

Again.

#1.  Abby Cried?  You Mean…No…She’s Human?

With a nod to Victor and Angel (…I’m from Miami, bitch…) we finished off The List with Abby in tears.

The last time we had seen Abby she had just lost a competition by .999999999% or something to the Candy Apples.  She had witnessed the Golden Child Maddie forget her routine and run off stage.  She was also taking heat from all the Moms over her ongoing favoritism.

Not a good day at the office.

After a butt shot that filled my entire 50″ screen, Abby had left the competition early and headed off into the sunset.

It was, like, totally OMG.

But now she’s back., Candy Apples.

Chew on that.

 

 

You mind backing that thing up a little? All I smell are Altoids and fried Spam.

 

 

 

 

I’m back everyone! I’m spunkier, more confident and 100% Beef Jerky Free!

 

 

 

 

 

Oh. Hell. No. That skinny thing ain’t Maddie. Nope…that ain’t happening.

 

 

 

 

 

Dat’s rite. New weave. Same fierce attitude. Sasha Nia is back, bitches.

 

 

 

 

It was horrible. I had a scary dream there was a show called Dance Moms: Miami. Just hold me.

 

 

 

It was kind of like when Dorothy woke up and she was back in Kansas…all disoriented and not sure what the F*** just happened.

Did I go to a place where everything was kinda sorta the same, but different, or did I just dream the whole thing?  I remember lots of bright colors and something that I thought was a Pyramid of Shame.  But it was different.

I checked my head for any bumps, and everything seemed pretty normal.  I could swear I had just been in Oz…or maybe Miami…but when I opened my eyes I was back in Pittsburgh.

Pittsburgh.  Less Fierceness and FreezeIt hair gel.  More screaming and…well…more screaming.

That’s right, people.  Dance Moms has returned.

Abby Lee Miller is back to crush the competition…and the self esteem of any young girl who gets in her way.

After a mid-season break so we could all journey to beautiful, sunny Florida to see how the Boyz do it (…sing along if you’d like…) Down in Miami, it was time to get back to business in beautiful, middle of nowhere Pittsburgh.

We picked up pretty much where we had left everyone a few months ago, fresh off a less than stellar showing in Joisey.  The Abby Lee Dance Company had just brought home the trophy for a whopping 10th place showing in New Jersey, which I think was pretty much one of those tiny plastic cups they give you in Junior High when you win Best Chorus Singer or something.

In case you were packing for Miami when it happened, let’s just say that Abby was not happy after that award ceremony.  And to pour salt, or Candy Apple syrup, in the open wound…9th place had gone to Chaos Cathy Nesbitt and her dancers.

Yeah.  Them.  The ones from Candy Apples Dance Center.  Sworn arch enemies of the ALDC.

It was right about then that Abby had her first broadcasted breakdown.  I would bet good money that nobody…including Cathy’s own whipped Jerky King husband…enjoys coming in under Cathy in anything.

“Nobody Jerks It Like Mike” as they say on TV.

Yup.  It sounded dirty, and I probably meant it to be dirty.  But you’ll never know, because this is a family smack talking kind of site.

Anyway.  Abby had ditched everyone in New Jersey after a blubbering, rambling tearful fit.  Something about her reputation being ruined and blah to the blah…and then she took all her toys and went home.

The last few glimpses of Abby that we had seen before the break were big, rubbery back bumpers.  Her own,  as she wiggled it at Holly in defiance, and then the one attached to the cab that drove her off into the sunset.

But that was then.  This is now.

We started out with all the Moms and their dancing kids standing around the studio waiting for Abby to show up.  Nobody had seen or heard from her since the Jersey departure, and they weren’t sure what was going to happen this week.

Somebody had obviously gotten there before they arrived, because the Pyramid of Shame was already taped to the mirrors.  Der.

So I had a pretty good feeling that Abby was going to show up at some point.  How they all missed the 6 big pieces of paper stuck on the mirror is beyond me, but they were all running in circles thinking that they’d never see Abby again and they wouldn’t be able to get a refund on their Discover card.

Thirty minutes later, Abby decided to show up and start the Big Reveal.

Abby’s not big on salad bars, apologies or explanations, so the whole New Jersey thing was kind of brushed over with just a few “you guys sucked last weeks” and one or two disgusted facial twitches.

But the Moms weren’t going to let her off so easy this time around.  Before Abby could even get to the Pyramid, they immediately started in with the weekly Maddie Favoritism Speech, which I believe has now been televised more than the I Have A Dream Speech.

In New Jersey, Golden Child Maddie had forgotten her dance almost as soon as she stepped on stage.  Abby had been working her to the bone this season, and the combination of exhaustion and stale Jersey air probably led to her mental blackout.

I mean, look at what a NutWad that Housewife Teresa Giudice is.  Granted, her husband Joe is a Tool, but you tell me there’s not something about that state that just ain’t right.

Not that I’m an authority, but I’m pretty certain that at some point in their career every dancer spaces out a little.  But only Maddie had reduced Abby to tears.  Let’s just say that reaction hadn’t gone over too well.

It should also be noted that during Spring Break, Abby apparently took the time to take the bus over to Chico’s and pick up some new chunky jewelry.  That eyesore of a pink lip necklace must have been thankfully retired, because Abby was now loaded down in every scene with new simulated gemstones and knock-off versions of stuff like Joan Rivers wears on Fashion Police.

Abby also got herself a whacky new hairdo that she only wore in those Liberace closet confessionals.  It was like you took  a 1960′s Priscilla Presley bouffant and merged it with some Grand Ole Opry Marty Stewart hair and then stuck a Beyoncé fan in front of the whole thing going full speed.

Check it out.  If I’m lyin’ I’m dyin’.

This week they were heading to Nexstar National Talent Competition in Los Angeles.  Nobody knew much about it.  The only thing I know about it is that they pretty much ripped off the Star Trek logo and yet somehow got away without paying any court fees.

But nobody is going to the West Coast if they don’t get through the Pyramid of Shame.

The bottom spots were held down by Paige, Nia and Brooke.

Paige had kicked around a jailhouse prop on stage and got spanked for it.  Brooke didn’t show up at the Joffrey Ballet auditions wearing pointe shoes.  Nia, who also got her hair did over Spring Break and was getting all Diva with her new braided weave, had tugged at her leotard too many times in rehearsal which stuck her on the bottom.

I guess in AbbyLand, it’s better to have your pre-teen cookies actually pop out of your tube top if you want to climb the Pyramid.  Modesty doesn’t count for much anymore these days.

In the middle was Maddie, who should have been at the bottom, but there wasn’t room.

Plus, she’s Maddie.

My favorite little Mackenzie was also in the middle, just cuz.

Right then was when Real Time and TV Time got me all flustered.  Even though the show had been gone for a couple of months, I kept forgetting that in TV Time it was only the following Monday after the weekend show.  That would probably explain why I couldn’t believe that Mack still had no teeth.

Then I realized that it had only really been two days, and I’m pretty sure that front teeth don’t come in that quickly from what I remember.  But I love Mack, and the way she can stick her tongue through every other tooth hole.

Chloe was on top and was going to score the trifecta of dance:  Solo.  Trio.  Group.

As all the kids got their rehearsal groove on, the Moms headed to the Mom Perch to toss some mud around.  Turned out that in New Jersey, Abby had told Melissa she would be leaving early.  Melissa even got her that rubber bumper getaway car.

The thing was, though, that Abby had lied and said she was leaving because her Mother was dying or had fallen and couldn’t get up or some other nonsense, and Melissa fell for it like a suckah.

So Abby basically lied to the only Mom who, for the most part, is on her side.  The truth is out.  Abby is a liar.  A big fat liar.

Kelly liked saying that.  Over and over, with emphasis on the “fat” part.  No love there.

As a tease, we got one little blip of Chaos Cathy and her League of Evil Mall Shoppers over in Ohio.  There is no such thing as too much Cathy, even as she tries to grow out that asymmetrical raccoon hair, so I was sad that it was just a quick drive by to watch them celebrate the wobbly return of Taylor, who had doinked her ankle earlier in the season.  (Most likely from always having to hoist spastic Vivi-Anne up over her head in every number.  Am I right?)

Seriously.  Your Mom is a freakin’ choreographer.  When are you going to actually learn how to dance?

And psst…you have lipstick on your teeth, honey.

Back in PA, the Moms continued to bully Melissa into confronting Abby.  They even marched her down to the front desk but failed at stirring up any drama.  The desk was still a hot mess of receipts and cardboard pantyhose inserts.  Bookkeeping doesn’t seem to be Abby’s forte.

It was hard to tell, but you can be sure that one of those receipts was probably for all the new wallpaper borders that Abby had put up around the studio.  Everywhere you looked, it was miles of ballet toes and jazz shoes on those pastel borders you always find in the Home Depot bins with last year’s animated movie characters.

Make that Bookkeeping and Home Decor.

Since it was all about the Chloe Show this week, Maddie had plenty of time to sulk and question her own confidence.  Luckily Maddie had Abby to make certain that nobody forgot who was really the best dancer, even if it meant pushing Chloe and Mom Christi to the point of a nervous breakdown.

Abby had Maddie show the Brooke, Paige, Chloe Trio how to do their moves.  Abby had Maddie assist in critiquing Chloe’s solo.  Abby had Maddie count out Chloe’s moves.

I’m pretty sure that I even saw Abby send Maddie outside to cut the gas line on Christi’s car right before a commercial, but I could be mistaken.

During the whole Pyramid presentation Abby had mentioned how Maddie was originally going to be doing a solo but that it was cut until she got her act together.  But then suddenly it was still listed in the program and Abby wanted her to be ready to dance.  Maddie didn’t want to because she was suffering from insecurity and the sniffles, which we all know is the deadliest of combinations for a tween dancer.

Since this was the first week back for the show, the drama was just heating up.  Nothing major went down, just a lot of Christi eye rolling and Kelly trucker swearing.

At the competition, Mack wore a shrinky dink version of a lace body suit I swear Jennifer Lopez already wore somewhere.

Bitch stole my look.  MmmHmm.

Poor little thing took a face plant on stage when she slipped on her mini JLo sleeve, and tiny Mack has way less booty to soften the landing.  She cried and never really finished her dance.

They announced Maddie’s solo even though she had made the decision to not dance.  That caused some nervous pee and another Maddie melt down.

Now that you mention it, the girl cries a lot lately.

The group number was a stewardess, Jackie O pill box hat looking thing.  Chloe’s number was good.  Again, I swear she got taller.

Nobody did very well during awards, which Abby was quick to point out later on in the Green Room.  That discussion immediately erupted into another Kelly vs. Abby chick fight over stale choreography and Plus Size fashions.

I’m starting to think that before each competition they choose which Mom will be the Designated Kid Scooter Outer, because as soon as somebody starts going to battle with Abby, a random Mom scoots the kids out the front door like they’re late for the school bus.

Either that or there was a fire alarm going off in the hallway that I didn’t hear, because they were outta there so fast it almost caused a drop in cabin pressure.

Yup.  Abby and the gang are back, alright.  And it looks like they’re ready to rumble.

And just in time, because my Miami sunburn was starting to peel.

Bring it on, Pittsburgh.