Dance Moms Reunion Part Two: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Return For A Second Helping Of Crazy Talk.Wednesday, May 15th, 2013
This is the deal. Next time we either get the couches back, or Mama’s bringing her padded Steelers bleacher cushion.
Seriously. If this blonde chick says ‘Motor Boat’ one more time…it’s on.
I was promised that Paige’s number would be cut and replaced with my Gangnam Style.
I hate my life.
Let’s see who’s crying after I slap a bitch. Let’s go!
So, should I wake her up or just keep going until the next commercial break?
Oh. Hell. No. I didn’t bust out a new hair bow just to find out there’s no ice cream.
Second verse…same as the first.
Except maybe crazier.
It was Round Two for the Dance Moms Reunion this week, packed with even more of what we’ve come to love.
More competition, more yelling, more accusations…and more Moms.
The Original Recipe Moms. The Hot New Mom. The Former Mom.
Even one unsuspecting senior citizen Mom from Ohio in a complete fog, minding her own business in the audience, who somehow got caught in Abby Lee Miller‘s crossfire.
It was literally a Momapalooza.
Taking a nod from the Real Housewives franchise, my boy Jeff Collins had everyone stick around for a second week of talking smack in their fancy clothes, which pretty much always guarantees high drama as the day wears on and the stiletto feet start to hurt.
You know they always save the good stuff for the last show.
So everyone was back for more, just like on Bravo TV. Except that when the cameras go back to Andy Cohen in some glittery Las Vegas hotel for Round Two, all the Housewives are still sitting there on the couches, uncomfortably glaring at each other or licking their front teeth like pageant girls.
For some reason on Dance Moms though, they felt the need to scoot everyone backstage and reintroduce them to the same audience again. Like we’d never seen them before. Granted, the whole process probably only took 45 seconds total, but that’s 45 seconds that someone could have been throwing shade.
Time is money, people. And I bought snacks specifically for this evening.
Abby was first out on stage, just like last week, accompanied by a quick montage of some of this season’s New Mama Drama starring Kristie with a K and Jackie Lucia.
Oh, Kristie. I may have mentioned once or twice over the last few weeks how much I love me some Kristie.
Every time the cashier at my grocery store holds up the line by checking her text messages under the counter I always wonder how Mama JLo would handle the situation. Then my eyes get real big, I reach over the credit card scanner, hand her my coupons and slap the bitch into yesterday.
Let’s go! Get off your phone. Ring up my bag of Ruffles BBQ. And then let’s go.
Jeff asked Abby to compare the New Moms to the Original Recipe Moms, and we got an ear full. New Moms: Respectful. Old Moms: Not so much.
Keeping with the same theme, he moved on to Sophia vs. Maddie and Asia vs. Mackenzie.
If you watch the show, you didn’t really need Abby to break down the differences between all the kids. You could probably figure that one out by yourself.
One point Abby did make was that tiny SassyPants Asia probably didn’t know who Bob Fosse was, which apparently must come up in playground discussions a lot more than it did when I was in second grade.
If you’re 7 years old and can do the whole Single Ladies dance better than Beyoncé, who really cares who Bob Fosse is? That’s what Google is for, mmmkay?
Then some random Soccer Mom in the audience inappropriately asked Abby if the Original Recipe Moms were jealous of Kristie’s awesome sauce hotness and the whole thing kind of collapsed into a discussion about skinny waistlines and boobs that could make a grown man cry.
Which was Kristie’s cue to come out on stage.
By the way, from now on I have decided to enter every room the same way Kristie does.
Like a hot a** Diva Bitch.
Arms opened wide. Hugs. Air kisses. I have arrived.
I’ll pass on the Chair Guy bumbling behind me again, as well as the full length white gown. Don’t get me wrong. Looked faboo on her. I just don’t have the height.
And now that you mention it, she did kind of look like Cher doing an opening number from the old Sonny & Cher Show, with that whole long hair and gown thing going on.
But she also kind of looked like a runaway bride from some Telemundo telenovela. So I wasn’t really sure if she was going to sing Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves or throw a champagne glass against the wall and slap a housekeeper.
And then it was all about the crying scandal that rocked the ALDC: Asiagate.
Did she cry? When did she cry? Did Mom try to hide her in the bathroom? Why is a 7 year old acting like such a…I don’t know…a 7 year old?
Get Jill out here. And Christi. And a video montage of Kendall crying. And then make Kendall do a solo dance in front of everyone right after the video.
After a few audience members blacked out from epileptic seizures (…seriously…did you see those strobe lights during Kendall’s solo? A little warning would have been nice…) it was nothing but tears.
Side note. During Kendall’s solo I finally figured out what that odd Mardi Gras studio reminds me of with all its beads and Senior Play lighting.
Star Trek. Or Lost in Space. Or any of those old, low budget sci-fi shows before there were CGI effects. I swear Kendall was dancing in the same room where Captain Kirk kissed a Vulcan princess while he was trippin’ on space juice.
Tell me I’m not wrong.
After the solo, it was probably a good 90 minutes of arguing about whether or not Asia was born with working tear ducts, why Kendall cried every week regardless of whether she was yelled at or not, why Jill cared so much about Asia’s emotional state, why we were all still having this discussion in the first place and why they’re not all saving those tears for their pillows anyway, like it says in the damn contract.
Abby interjected something about how only kids with no food should be allowed to cry and then Jill said Asia was a Hot Mess in every group number.
Secretly, even though I totally heart Jill, I wanted JLo to pound a Bump-It back into her skull just for good TV. But violence isn’t the answer, kids.
Or at least not when you’re wearing couture.
Before it went completely Christi on Kristie, we were treated to a video montage of squeaky little Sophia’s short Dance Moms tenure. And then her solo, entitled SuperStar.
Which they had to spell out in the lyrics, since apparently the show should also be a learning experience given the fact that kids are at home watching TV instead of doing their homework on a Tuesday night.
Honestly, I didn’t realize how many times the songs spell out their own titles until later in the show when Mackadoodle performed her own dance and they had to sound out the word ‘Lemonade’ for me.
Go back and check your DVR this season. It’s true. The More You Know.
Melissa and Jackie Lucia joined the crowd after sending JLo back to the Green Room (…Boo…!) where they gave Jeff a lesson in the difference between Spins and Turns.
Yes. It’s true that Sophia can reverse the clock and go back in time like Superman did just by spinning herself into thin air. Which is a pretty big deal if you ask me. But Mom didn’t want her to be remembered as simply the dancing Tasmanian Devil. And she certainly didn’t want Sophia remembered for being part of the Fight Club known as the ALDC. They are both way too soft spoken for any of that dramz.
So as you’ll recall, Jackie had pulled Sophia out of Pittsburgh before they had even finished unpacking, and that had resulted in some long term tension between the Moms.
Given that Jackie didn’t want to be around all the negativity, and that realistically it would have been almost impossible to take either of them seriously during an argument when they both sound like characters from a Disney holiday cartoon, it was best for everyone that they just move on and check Pittsburgh off their Bucket List.
Thanks for playing. Love your hair.
One more side note. Abby shouldn’t sit on those high chairs with one foot on her stool and one foot on Melissa’s. She just shouldn’t. Unless she’s giving a motivational speech to a football team going into the last quarter of the Super Bowl, of course.
Otherwise, just don’t do that again, please.
Eventually, Abby headed out back and Kelly and Holly joined the girls on stage . The Old and the New. And the Uncomfortable.
Holly felt that it was insulting for Jackie to diss the ALDC. Jackie asked why they even stay at the studio if it’s nothing but throw downs and breakdowns. Christi wanted to know where Jackie and JLo were three years ago and Kelly wanted to go on record as saying she did NOT show the Lucias the front door.
Jill phutzed with her 47 bracelets a lot. Ssssh. Stop that.
Finally, the newbies were sent to the Green Room to babysit Vivi-Anne as all the originals filled the stage.
Even Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein.
Let the games begin, please.
When questioned, Cathy stated that she would maybe, possibly, potentially, might consider taking Chloe on as a student at the Candy Apples Dance Center.
Maybe. Not an offer. Just saying.
She would also only choose Holly or Melissa to watch her kid during a national emergency, since the rest of them are all unreliable loose cannons. Which I guess implied that JLo and Jackie were out back poking Vivi-Anne with a stick or something.
Another Soccer Mom asked Cathy which Downton Abbey characters remind her of herself and Abby, since apparently Cathy must tweet about the show.
I’ve never actually seen the program, so I have to assume it must conflict with some Reality trash on my viewing schedule. But Cathy compared Abby to some car on the show, and since the only two TV cars I know are the talking one from Knight Rider and Herbie the Love Bug (…back before Lindsay Lohan got all coked up…) I had no idea what was going on.
Luckily Abby came to my rescue by changing the subject and calling Cathy’s Mom her “Poor Pathetic Mother.”
Oh, snap. Did you just diss my Mom?
Shut up. And Mom was right there in the audience. Girlfriend perked up like they had just called her number at Bingo.
They even gave Vivi-Anne’s Grandma some Honey Boo Boo subtitles as she called Abby a disgrace and pointed in the air like she was picking out deli meat.
Best part? The little girl next to her was all like totally OMG I love this show. Her little friends are gonna be totz jealz tomorrow. Totz.
And then it was nothing but screaming, yelling and accusations that Abby now suffered from PTSD as a result of being beaten by Cathy’s handbag.
She struck me. Dramatic pause.
Kelly had time to sneak in a few more zingers regarding Anthony Burrell calling out Paige‘s floppy legs in front of an entire auditorium at the last competition and how hurtful it had been. Regardless of whether Abby had set up her daughter in front of the crowd, or if Anthony was just being Tony the Tool, the whole scene horrified Paige to the point where she had refused to perform her solo during the Reunion Show.
Abby was quick to point out that you don’t getter better sitting on your butt, and then Kelly got a little twisted.
By the time Abby told Cathy that her pathetic mother was nothing to her, and that Cathy was nothing to her, and that Cathy is something that should be shoved dow the toilet with a plunger, Jeff was pretty much breaking out in some serious lip sweat and nervous pee.
And then he did what I do whenever I’m in a tense situation and can’t figure out what to do next: I panic.
Hey, everyone! Let’s dance!
And the Award for Most Awkward Transition of 2013 goes to Mr. Jeff Collins. Come on up and get your trophy, dude.
With two minutes to go, all the kids ran out and performed the famous Rosa Parks group number in a last ditch attempt at breaking the tension.
And maybe it worked for some viewers. For me, it just made me wonder why they hadn’t been using elastic chin straps all along.
I know, right?
Hats were flinging off and flying off and falling off at every performance this year, and now that we’re done with the season you decide to invest in rubber bands?
Somebody needs a JLo slap.
And then it was over.
But only for a few weeks. And then they’re back.
So we’ll see you then for more hilarity.
And Grandma…what do you think of my Dance Moms recaps?