DanThat'sCool!

 

 

Bad Girls, Bad Girls. Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when Britney Spears comes for you?

 

 

 

 

And the award for “Best Whacky Gay Sidekick With No Name Helping Carry In A Butt Kissing Bench” goes to…

 

 

 

 

It’s The Dance Moms Drinking Game! Take a shot every time someone yells. Or swears. Or cries. Bonus shot ski  if they yell and swear and cry all at once.

 

 

 

 

I’m taking the first kid I grab and hitting the road. This hair is way too big for a studio this small. Peace out, bitches.

 

 

 

 

All the Single Ladies. If you like it then you better put some Pork on it.

 

 

 

 

O. M. G.

D. M. O.

S. O. S.

It was Dance Moms Overload this week…somebody help me.  You might need a snack to get through this one.

Abby Lee Miller is back.

That’s right.  Before we even had time to rinse the Toddlers & Tiaras taste out of our mouths, all the Crazy Dancing and Dancing Crazies just came screaming back onto our plasmas, bringing with them two distinct options.

Rejoice.  Or Run.

Remembering everything that had gone down so far this season, your first choice should probably have been to run, but I know how comfortable that couch is after a long day.

Short Term Memory issues?  No worries.

The opening act was a full hour of Abby’s Most OMG Moments.  Comfortably perched in that Liberace Glitter Closet where she can oversee All Things Dance, Abby flashed back through the Top 20 jaw dropping, forehead slapping, OhNoTheyDin’t moments so far.

Like the day after Thanksgiving, Abby’s hit list of OMGs gave us all the best parts of the bird reheated and shoved back down our throats one more time, whether we were hungry or not.

You’re gonna eat it.  And you’re gonna like it.

#20.  Put On Your Game Faces, And Maybe Fix Your Hair In A Room With A Mirror.  

Making their entrance into one of the many competitions this season, Abby and her little dancers were about to come face to face with crazy villainess Chaos Cathy Nesbitt and the Candy Apples Contingent.

After letting her team sprawl all around the lobby doing the most technically unsafe, neck bending sit-ups ever seen in the world of fitness, Cathy huddled in the corner with all her Apples like meerkats do when they’re about to get eaten by a hawk.  As Abby approached with her dancers, in that windblown flash mob way they always enter a room, Cathy whispered Don’tLookAtThemDon’tLookAtThem over and over like some kind of religious cult mantra.

Both troupes repeatedly hummed GameFacesGameFaces until Abby broke the tension and waved a quick “Hollah” at the Apples.  That was nice, right?

The single pink roller still stuck in her hair was also nice touch.  And it didn’t go unnoticed by Cathy or my favorite bad a** red haired Mom, as they both laughed like they had just backed over the neighbors’ annoyingly bratty kid with their SUV.

You know that red haired Mom totally tweeted about the curler as soon as Abby pulled it out of her ‘do.  With a big LOL at the end.

#19.  Oops…Peyton Did It Again.  Hot For Teacher.

It was the Naughty School Girl Number, and Abby had slutted  the girls up like mini-Britney Spears video vixens.  Trying to channel Catholic school girls gone bad, Abby knotted up their white shirts and tore their fishnets to artfully imply that 7 foot tall bully Peyton had roughed them up on the playground.

Peyton’s Mom Leslie, who is clearly Pennsylvania’s authority on bullying, took some offense to the outfits and the fact that her Amazon kid was the one chosen to be the bad seed.

That sound you just heard was the apple not falling far from the tree.

#18.  The Gift(s) That Keep On Giving. 

In her never ending attempts at scoring Kendall top billing on every gymnasium marquee in America, Real Housewife of Pittsburgh Jill has invested a good chunk of change this season on bribery gifts.

Whether it’s one of those mark-down cologne sets they sell at TJMaxx on Black Friday or secret massages in the storage closet, Jill showered Abby with more gifts this season than the rest of us receive on our birthdays and Christmas combined.

The one that took the cake was her front lobby bench, complete with an engraved Things Remembered plaque, emblazoned with “To Abby With Love. Now Go Break Maddie’s Knees And Put My Kid On Stage” or some such gibberish.

The gift itself was over the top, but it was nothing compared to whoever that dude was who helped Jill yank the bench out of the van.

I’m not too proud to say I’m officially obsessed with finding out how she scored herself a whacky gay sidekick/assistant on such short notice.

Wrapped up in his Dance Moms: Miami scarf, the guy shlepped the bench into the entryway and then clutched the previously positioned, yet suddenly displaced, trophy like he was Susan Lucci.

I applaud your win, Sir.  No one deserved it more.

#17.  Don’t Make Holly Smack You With Her Doctorate.

This one was Mom Holly butting heads with Abby.

Holly had a job and couldn’t always be at the studio.  Abby wanted Nia to single handedly take on every ethnic dance ever choreographed, and do it dressed like a National Geographic Special every week.

We can skim right past this one, since it will happen again next week.

#16.  Kelly Interrupts A Rehearsal And Swears And Threatens To Quit.

Ditto.  Next week?  Same scene.  Different outfit.

#15.  It’s An Audition For The Joffrey Ballet.  Shut Your Pizza Hole, Woman.

Stick all the Moms, and all the Candy Apples, into one crammed hallway.  Add some pizza slices and poor pointe shoe technique, and you have all the makings for a great bitch fest that was guaranteed to distract both Mr. Joffrey and most likely any cab drivers down on the street level.

As Team Abby worked on their ballet stuff in the audition room, Cathy and Kelly got into it outside the door when Cathy casually observed that Brooke’s feet looked eerily similar to Danny DeVito’s in the second Batman movie.

With that bad a** red haired Mom right in the middle of things again (…she has Fight Club radar, I swear…) one by one all the Moms pig piled on Cathy, like a nursery full of babies all waking up at the same time.

I have no idea how Mr. Joffrey contained himself enough to not slap the spaz right out of Cathy.  I also have no idea how she found pizza upstairs at the Joffrey.  According to the CW Network, ballet dancers don’t even eat.

Go figure.

#14.  Cathy Goes For The Nose.

It was Cathy vs. Christi.

I love when they throw down.  It’s Krystal and Alexis without the hair pulling.

At least so far.  We can only hope.

#13.  Kelly Swears Again.  But This Time It’s The “W” Word.

Blah Blah Blah.  Kelly and Abby went at it again as a random Mom scooted everyone out the door.

But this time Kelly called Abby a whore!

Yeah.  For realz.  And then Kelly took a drink out of her styrofoam cup, which was totally like she was toasting herself for saying it.

I still haven’t figured out Kelly’s hair, and it’s been almost two years. But I love her crazy face when she loses it.

#12.  Taking Out The White Trash.

Another screaming match at the studio.

When all the Moms took their kids and their Vera Bradley bags and stormed out the front door, Abby called them White Trash.

Hello, Pot.  Meet Kettle.

 #11.  Maybe If You Scream “Role Model” A Little Louder She’ll Hear You.

Another screaming match.  By now I was losing track.

Someone screamed something about being a role model, which I found quite ironic.

#10.  A Little Whine And Cheese Before We Kick You Out?

All the Moms got together out in the Real World, which was a great opportunity to have some snacks at a Mom home and snoop in the medicine cabinet while everyone else was downstairs in the kitchen.

After a few cocktails and half a Hickory Farms cheese log, the conversation got around to Abby’s favoritism and the special attention that Melissa’s two daughters receive at the studio.

Though not as sloppy as The Jersey Shore, you know what happens when you try to have a conversation after chugging down a wine box.

Melissa stormed out, quickly followed by Jill.

I’ll give the Moms all props.  How they drink and eat and scream all at the same time without biting the inside of their mouths or the tip of their tongues is an art form.  I can’t even answer my cell with a mouthful.

I bow to them.

#9.  And Just Like That…Poof!  Jill And Her Poof Are Gone.

Even with all the cologne and furniture, Kendall ended back on probation and Jill blew a nutty.  As Abby spewed a veritable grocery list of Kendall’s flaws, both Jill and her Pittsburgh Poof got more tightly wound until they both finally popped.

Snatching her kid like she was hoisting her Louis bag off the conveyor belt at JFK Airport, Jill vowed to leave and take Kendall to a studio who could appreciate her talents.

There was crying, and big hair and over accessorizing…everything that we’ve grown to love about Jill.

She set the GPS for Ohio and you know how that story ends.

#8.  Leslie’s Golden Rules Of Parenting.

Take the criticism and shut up.  If you don’t like it, go somewhere else.  I said shut up.

The End.

#7.  Is That Jerky In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Tommy’s Jerky Emporium Palooza Warehouse, or whatever it was called, needed to get more business.  Run by Cathy’s husband Mike (…whose Broadway stage name is Canton’s Jerky King…) both the business and Mike himself appear to be dead weight awkwardly stuck to Cathy’s side.

Times are tough, and Cathy figured a commercial would bring in more customers and put more money in the cash registers.

Filling the freezer with sellable jerky and preventing Mike from eating half the profits would also benefit the business, but maybe that’s just my observation.

Figuring she could kill two birds with one stone, Cathy somehow coerced Christi into allowing smiley little Chloe to appear in the commercial.  As Mike chewed off another percent or two of company profit, Chloe was forced to dance in the now infamous Meat Unitard.

Looking like a Jennifer Lopez lint roller that was dragged through a deli counter, poor Chloe survived with her dignity intact, though she did lose a slice of pepperoni or two in the back I noticed.

#6.  More Drama At Peyton Place.

After finishing up the Naughty School Girl number, everything fell apart in the back room.  Even though Peyton had incorrectly taped the “Kick Me” sign on a Good Girl’s back, she still felt that she had done better than most of the other dancers.

Snotty attitude, much?  Let’s just say that Abby Lee Miller don’t play dat.

#5.  Melissa’s Matrimonial Meltdown.

Since I don’t get why Melissa is so freaked out about the other Moms discussing her upcoming nuptials, I leave this one to the lawyers.

You would think that finally legalizing your relationship with the Mystery Man who has been cutting dance checks in exchange for booty calls would make everything less covert, but that’s just me.  Since her beau and Judge Judy are both on speed dial, we’ll move right along.

#4.  Brooke Shakes Her Pom Poms Somewhere Else.

Another Kelly vs. Abby kind of thing.  This time because Brooke wanted to try out for Cheerleading, which in my day required that you smile once in awhile.

She’s back.

#3.  Cathy Goes For The Nose, Again.  This Time Under The Sparkling Disco Ball.

Krystal and Alexis got a little closer to some hair pulling in this round.  Between witty repartee surrounding Christi’s metallic ensemble and some Goodwill donations, I almost missed the crazy old lady from Candy Apples taking it all in like she was at the best Bingo Night evah.  She was so captivated I think she missed the Early Bird Special.

Someday I hope to be trapped in an elevator with Bingo Lady and Jill’s whacky gay sidekick and marvel at them both until my head explodes.

#2.  Git Along, Little Jill Doggie.

Second only to the infamous Meat Unitard is Jill’s out of character cowboy hat.

Apparently thinking that the straw iParty hat would allow her to more easily blend in with the locals, Jill was looking like that person we all worked with who always dressed up for Theme Day.

When Abby refused to allow Kendall to wear the $500 costume that Jill was trying to sneak in under the radar (…and call it home made, natch…) our little cowgirl got her saloon pantaloons all in a bunch, threw a shoe and then headed out of Dodge.

Again.

#1.  Abby Cried?  You Mean…No…She’s Human?

With a nod to Victor and Angel (…I’m from Miami, bitch…) we finished off The List with Abby in tears.

The last time we had seen Abby she had just lost a competition by .999999999% or something to the Candy Apples.  She had witnessed the Golden Child Maddie forget her routine and run off stage.  She was also taking heat from all the Moms over her ongoing favoritism.

Not a good day at the office.

After a butt shot that filled my entire 50″ screen, Abby had left the competition early and headed off into the sunset.

It was, like, totally OMG.

But now she’s back., Candy Apples.

Chew on that.

 

 

 

Shut up. Like with pom poms and sneakers? Whoa.

 

 

 

 

 

Yup. Brooke is gonna shake it like a Polaroid picture.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh Lord. It’s like going to war with no bullets in the gun.

 

 

 

 

 

Check it out. They make this face on Bravo TV. I saw it.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh no you din’t just put those Candy Apple sticks on me.

 

 

 

Starbound! Starbound!

Beat ‘Em Beat ‘Em Down Down To The Ground!

Goooooo Dance Moms!

It was Pee Wee Showgirls vs. JV League Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders as the Abby Lee Dance Company tried to keep it together this week when one of their own traded in her sparkly unitard for a set of pom poms mere days before the next competition.

Word of warning before we go any further.  You don’t do that to Abby Lee Miller.  You just don’t.

As always, we started out with the Why You’ll Never Be As Good As Maddie pyramid, where each week through a painfully humiliating process we all find out…well…who’s not as good as Maddie.  Der.

Financially speaking, things must be working out quite well for Abby and her studio nowadays, because the cover sheets for the big photo reveals now have her logo printed on the front.

I know, right?  Fancy.

No more Value Pack construction paper for this crowd.  Granted, it’s still no Power Point touchscreen like they use over at  Candy Apple’s Dance Center…but you gotta start somewhere.

Little Nia and her mouthful of braces was at the bottom, only days after she was hanging topside, because she spaced out in her last performance and went in the wrong direction.

Dancers and Amtrak trains should always go in the direction they are pointed.  That’s just how it is, people.

Newbie Kendall was also chilling on the basement level, because she can’t count, can’t hear music and is still on probation.  Until she gets it together, she has no chance of moving up or styling in the Food Court wearing one of those shiny Abby Lee satin Members Only jackets.  No chance, sister.

Mackenzie is also in the bottom, mainly because she is too small to reach any higher.

For someone with no teeth, she has a wicked overbite that always makes her look like she is sulking even though she’s not, but it’s part of her charm.  Mack is still in that baby hamster stage where she doesn’t always have her eyes open or pay attention, but she’s so cute you just want to squeeze the stuffing out of her and then slap her mother for having such a cute kid.

Or maybe slap her mother just because she’s Melissa.  It’s up to you.

In a shocking twist of fate, Maddie is not on the top, but she’s ok with that for now.  The middle is fine with her this week.

Maddie, whose maturity and teeth have both grown well beyond her young age, actually liked that the other girls get a chance to see how it feels to be numbah uno.

Mom Melissa thinks that it’s nice to see the other girls get a chance too, even though they suck.

Chloe is side by side with Maddie, and they will go up against each other in solos.  This makes Chloe’s little Cabbage Patch eyes light up.  She always reminds me of those teddy bears that have the eyes stitched too closely together, and slightly uneven, and that makes me smile.

Slow, pokey, mopey Brooke is on the top this time around but that doesn’t seem to phase her a bit.  No smile, no clap, no nada.

She’s 13.  And that pretty much says it all.  Brooke is also thinking that she might want to try cheerleading instead of dance because Abby is always on her case…and boys go to football games.

And Brooke likes boys.

Even as they rehearsed their group number, Brooke was yawning and thinking about boys.  You could totally tell.

Don’t get me wrong.  Brooke is nice enough, but she’s getting to the point where you just want to put her on a plane and push her out as it flies over Dawson’s Creek.  Just let her splash down face first and get all that moping out of her system.  Seriously.  That’s all they ever did on that show.  She’ll be right at home.

As the Moms all sit around swigging down cocktails, Kelly announces that Brooke has decided to try out for cheerleading, which gets everyone in a tail spin.

Kelly wants to support her daughter, while Melissa thinks that this type of decision should be made before the start of Competition Season, and pretty much considers it letting down the rest of the girls.

Christi got all “Great Googly Oogly!” when she first heard the news, but has always been a big advocate for letting your kids do what they want to do.

Real Housewife of Pittsburgh Jill got all “Oooh, Abby’s gonna kill you!” but you know she’d be the first one to shove Kelly’s dead body out of the front seat before it even got cold.

If cheerleading gets Jill and Kendall that satin jacket, then Kelly can freakin’ shoot Brooke out of a cannon during the Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Jill was also rockin’ one of those big fake fur vests that Rachel Zoe sells on QVC, and a larger than normal BumpIt hair comb.  I just felt that needed to be addressed.

The next day at rehearsal, Abby realized that Brooke was MIA and screamed for Kelly, who had been stalling and putzing on her cell phone instead of revealing the whole cheerleading thing.

Can you blame her?  Abby scares me, too.

Kelly finally announced that not only is Brooke going to try out for cheerleading, but she is doing it the weekend of the Starbound Competition when she was supposed to be featured in the group number.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

…BOOM!

Abby exploded into a tirade on bad parenting and teenagers dictating to adults how things are to be done.  Brooke is screwing Abby.  Abby can feel that she is getting screwed.

Gross.

By the time I got that visual out of my head, Abby had already cut the group number completely, told Christi she was an a** and slammed anyone who went to Community College.

They were going back to Starbound as the reigning National Champions and blah to the blah to the blah.

And then suddenly the group number was back, but Abby wasn’t going to put her name on it and her sidekick choreographer was going to somehow shoot an entire new version out of her butt right before they board the bus for Starbound the next day.

This time around, Starbound is being held in Nutley, New Jersey.

Nutley.  Is that not the best name for a little fuzzy puppy…ever!?!  I just want to go to the Humane Society right now.

Getting screwed must have mellowed out Abby, because after threatening to not go on the trip she showed up anyway, just in time to overhear Melissa talking to Chaos Cathy on her cell.

That’s right.  The Candy Apples are bringing their hormone injected, genetically altered, over-sized dancers to the competition to once again try and beat Abby and her team for the Gold.

After getting busted for lying about the age of one of her gigantic dancers last week, Chaos Cathy is at it again as she and her amazons prep for the show.

Apparently the age categories must be based on some mathematical averaging algorithm or something, because Cathy was going to add her own daughter Vivi-Anne into the mix to skew the age lower.  I wasn’t really paying attention to how that all works, and it’s not like I’m a judge, so it’s probably not the end of the world.  But regardless, that meant that we got our weekly fix of ViviSpaz.

Vivi-Anne, besides being the poster child for why Nyquil should require a child proof cap, is a treasure to behold.  Always looking like she just woke up from her nap, Vivi chomps on her candy while Mom Cathy silently prays that someday her daughter will learn to dance.  Vivi must be eating one of those Jawbreaker candies that takes two weeks to finish, because her mouth is always full which makes it hard to apply a second coat of her trademark Revlon gloss red lipstick.

I live for the look of desperation in Cathy’s face whenever she interacts with Vivi.

The Candy Apples group number was classic, as the big girls passed Vivi around like she was one of those recyclable grocery bags.  As they danced and kicked their brains out, Vivi kept running across the stage like she was looking for something in the wings.

Now you see her.  Now you don’t.  I thought maybe she left the iron on, or forgot something and left to go get it in the middle of the routine, but it turns out that was all part of the dance.

As the Moms and Chaos Cathy wrestled for who got the arm rests on the auditorium chairs, all the kids did their thing.

Mackenize made it through her solo without losing another tooth or forgetting where she was, so that was good.

Maddie and Chloe did great solos.

Mackenzie and Chloe took top prizes.

Christi, who has the best Proud Mom face I’ve ever witnessed, cried a lot and was just beaming.

Melissa, who has the worst Poker Face I’ve ever witnessed, couldn’t hide the fact that she was pissed her daughter didn’t win and immediately blamed it on sketchy judges and an International Espionage Plot to bring down the dance world.

Humble loser, she is not.

Passing around a glittery bag of ViviSpaz didn’t seem to pay off, as Candy Apples came in at a whopping eighth place…getting smoked by the Abby Lee girls in first place.

To add just enough salt to the wound, Abby and the Moms all scoot over to the Candy Apples room to…quote…congratulate them on a job well done, while holding their first place plaque over their heads like the Stanley Cup.

Abby also wants her Bumble Bee costume back that Vivi-Anne wore last season.  It must be a pretty important piece of couture, because it set off a rumble in the back room when Cathy announced that she had dumped it in the Goodwill bin on her way to Target.

Christi and Cathy suddenly got all up in each other’s grill like they were vying for a date with Flava Flav as Cathy picked on Christi’s outfit and nose.

I was secretly hoping that Cathy’s League of Soccer Moms Gone Bad would jump to her defense and throw down, but they all sat back in their chairs like they were at a Pay per View boxing match.

Even the bad a** Mom with the boots just sat there, but with her sassy new red dye job I could tell she was just itching to get all Jerry Springer on someone.

After a whole lot of white girl finger waving and potty mouthing, Abby and the Moms hit the road.  That’s two for two, Candy Apple bitches.  Take that.

Oh.  And Brooke made the cheerleading team, but even that didn’t really make her smile.  I give up.

Goooooo Dance Moms!