DanThat'sCool!

 

 

You’re all just bitter, toxic a** woman that don’t even deserve to see my backside tattoo, mmmkay?

 

 

 

 

Oh. My. Gawd. I can’t even stop looking at the front ones and now there’s a back one? I love dat bitch.

 

 

 

 

Not now, girl. Bite your tongue. I swear, you mention that doctorate in front of her again and I will slap you myself on national television.

 

 

 

And for the last time…it’s not Barbie. It’s Skipper, Barbie’s prettier and much younger sister.

 

 

 

 

 

I think the biggest piece of jerky I ever brought home was about this long.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh. Hell. Yeah. I gotta get my shizzle on up to Canton.

 

 

 

Move over NeNe Leakes and let Kaya show you how it’s done.

It was Round Two for the Dance Moms Reunion Show this week, and like any good Real Housewives knock-off, everybody knows the good stuff always comes in the second half.

My new favorite Andy Cohen stand-in, Jeff Collins, was still front and center clutching his bootleg Bravo TV flashcards, completely surrounded by the full Mom Platoon.

Seated together in what was either somebody’s living room or the front of a suburban Home Goods store (…Seriously.  Pause your DVR and count all the accessories…) everyone was getting used to the format and getting ready to unleash some serious Reunion Part Two ‘tude.

You knew it was going to get good because they were already playing Survivor music before the introductions.  Survivor music always means something is about to go down.

Or that somebody is just about to eat something gross.

And since I’m pretty sure no one on Lifetime would eat bug larvae, it was a safe bet that Kaya was probably out back scratching on the inside of a locked Green Room door.

Jeff started right in on Chaos Cathy Nesbitt and the infamous Mom Dance.  Just as terrifying and definitely more ill-fitting than Mom Jeans, the Mom Dance will forever go down in Reality TV history.

For whatever reason, somebody had thought it would be a good idea to shove Melissa, Kelly and Christi out on stage as backup dancers for Cathy’s impromptu, spotlight hogging, loosely choreographed dancing seizure, but neglected to actually teach them how to dance prior to the curtain being raised.  The result was three Moms standing around like they were waiting for their carpool while Cathy showed everyone in the audience what Peter Pan might look like on Broadway if a tech guy forgot to strap on the flying harness before showtime.  It was Spaztastic.

To paraphrase the Dark Lord…This is your Destiny, young Vivi-Anne.

It was like one of those “25 Years of Dance” things on youtube, but with the kind of sparkly, oddly age inappropriate Mom outfits that you always see drunk women wearing in Ramada lounges.

Cathy supported her decision to steamroll over the other Moms due to their lack of rhythm and inner ear balance, while Abby chastised her for not making it a full blown Carol Burnett sketch.

When Abby actually went so far as to suggest that Cathy should have turned them all into floor mopping maids, Holly had the first of her many WhatchooTalkinBoutWillis faces.  Dr. Holly don’t do Maids, thank you.

Holly’s seemingly endless facial expressions were my drinking game of choice during this episode.  Love her.

After visually confirming that he was a safe distance from Cathy in case she rabidly lunged for a neck vein, Jeff actually had the kahunas to ask her if she felt that Abby and the ALDC were better than the Candy Apples dancers.  Oh oh, SpaghettiOs.

I’ve got to assume that there were either people stationed off-camera with stun guns or the dude’s got some major kahunas, because I think I would have skipped that card and moved on to the next question.

But he went there, causing Cathy to squirm around for a few seconds as though she was sitting on some of that world famous Jerky King product, before finally admitting that Abby’s girls had Star Quality.  If Abby had not been weighed down by 75 pounds of silver costume jewelry and 40+ years of bad life choices, you know she would have totally done the Pee Wee Dance right there on that Home Goods table.

Quickly wanting to shift the focus back to how great everything is in Candy Apples Land, Cathy lit into Jill for being a studio hopper and an all around crazy bitch.

After pointing out Jill’s penchant for disguising blatant bribery with Hallmark gift tags and big colorful bows, Cathy even managed to sneak in a slam at Jill’s new, and still not quite under control Barbie coiffure, which kind of offended Kelly, because she likes being the one with crazy hair.

Moving on, Jeff wanted to get to the root of the whole Abby vs. Kelly conflict.  Why do they fight so much?  Given their history (…Kelly started with Abby at 2 1/2 years old…) wassup wid all dis tension?  Inquiring minds want to know.

Ok.  Let’s just break this thing down.

You know how when you try to picture someone when they were much younger, like all the way back in junior high school or earlier, but all you have to really reference them is nowadays?  So you just picture them as they are now, but wearing Brady Bunch clothes instead?

Yeah.  I did that.  And it wasn’t pretty.

When Kelly claimed that back in ancient history Abby had liked a boy who liked Kelly instead…well…whoa.  Flashback music, please.

I pictured the cafetorium dances, the fights by the lockers and young Kelly holding hands with some football jock every time they passed a giant Baby Abby in the hallway before Study Hall.

Baby Abby.  Baby Huey.  Whatevs.  Just stick a headband on it and you know what I’m talking about.  I totally made up the last 40 years of Dance Moms history and it was brilliant.  Someday I may even share it with all of you.

Abby denied the love triangle and blamed it all on Kelly’s parents not pushing her to be anything more than mediocre, which appeared to have been passed down through the genetic DNA chain into Kelly’s bloodstream, resulting in her own children just coasting through life.

Then it was 5 minutes of seeing how many ways they could both use the words “Encouragement” and “Click” in a sentence before Jeff lost interest.

Brooke may or may not want to dance anymore.  Paige is ok with being just ok.  Or is she?  Or does she?  And what’s with Paige’s hair?  Don’t make me keep asking.  And why does Kelly feel that being just ok is ok enough?

Jeff didn’t really solve anything, but it gave Abby and Kelly plenty of time to scream and bitch and talk over each other while Holly made some delightful faces.  (Watch out Christi…The Doctor is moving in on your turf.)

Abby made sure to sneak in a few drinking in the parking lot jabs at Kelly’s expense, while Kelly compared Abby’s world to the Mob where you can’t ever seem to get out and stay out.

And then in this Ring, we have Melissa vs. Christi.

Turned out that they also have a history.  But the Melissa/Christi backstory is apparently sealed in a government file somewhere with strict stipulations that they never discuss it in public.

Gah.  That drives me boinkers.

How much did you hate that kid in school who said he had a secret, but couldn’t tell you.

Seriously.  Then why freakin’ bring it up?  Just to make me insane?

They both confirmed that their animosity stemmed from years and years ago, and that they had both “done things” to each other.  What does that even mean?

I swear Mr. Collins, if there is not a Dance Moms prequel by next fall I’m sending Kaya after your scent.  Look at how successful the Wolverine X-Men movie was in theaters.

And speaking of Kaya picking up your scent…

Black Patsy was in the hizzle.

The poor man’s NeNe stormed the set decked out in Sassy Mall animal print, complete with that black rose from Claire’s still in her hair and a coordinating F*** you up attitude.

I need to rewind to verify, but I’m pretty certain Kaya started in on everyone before her junk even hit the guest chair.

With a slowly sinking Cathy looking like a hostage trapped between Holly and Kaya, the whole Women of Color thing started up again and it was Classic Housewives.  It was like I sat on my remote and it just kept flipping from Bravo to VH1 to Animal Planet over and over and over again until I figured out what was happening.

Kaya called out everyone as Haters.  She had heard all the whispers.  The whole baby at 16 gossip.  The lesbian gossip.  You’re a bitch.  And you’re a bitch.  You’re all bitches!

Bitter, toxic a** bitches!

It was Oprah from the ‘hood.

And where exactly IS this ‘hood that everyone keeps screaming about?  Everyone is always swearing they’re from the ‘hood, or taking you to the ‘hood to mess you up, or going to the ‘hood and never being heard from again.  Where is it?  I put it in my GPS and it didn’t take me anywhere.  This might require some more research.

Roadtrip anyone?  I’ll buy the snacks.

With a little trickle of sweat running down the back of his sportcoat, Jeff explained that he would never dream of calling Kaya “Black Patsy” even though she seemed to be down wid it.

“Crazy A** Lady with the Boob Tattoo” maybe, but never ”Black Patsy”.  That ain’t right.

Kaya proudly stated she would throw down anywhere, anytime if the situation required some fist to face action, which caused Jeff to scoot his chair back a little bit and Abby to spin her Ninja Star ring around a few times.  Christi was singled out amongst all the Moms as being the most fake by Kaya, and then their whole You’re a Bitch OhHellNo You’re a Bitch confrontation was replayed about 10 times.

Or maybe they were all different scenes.  It was hard to tell.  Kaya was poppin’ off in all of them and I didn’t have a pen to keep track.  Girlfriend will cut you.  That much I figured out on my own.

She tried again to rally Holly to the Cause, which forced Holly to once again explain the difference between a Get Out Of Jail card and a Pass and…well…you knew where this one was going.  Kaya felt betrayed by her Sister Holly and the whole Women of Color thing.  Again.

Jill jumped onto the pig pile and didn’t quite know how to respond when Kaya complimented her on having a nice bedonkadonk.  For a white girl, anyway.

It got weird.

When Jill claimed that they were not even sure if lesbianism was legit (…in Kaya’s case, not as a Lifestyle.  Duh.  No hate mail, please.  Read before you React…) Kaya pointed out that her lover’s name or face or something was tattooed back there somewhere if anyone was interested in solving the mystery.

Thanks, but I’ll take one of Holly’s passes right about now.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love me some Kaya.  Crazier the better.  But seeing her get all head bobbly in a room full of Dance Moms almost felt like she had walked into the wrong studio.  Where my girls at?

Before Kaya headed off stage to to decompress and slap a few camera guys, Jeff allowed her to go around the room one by one, picking off Moms like she was skeet shooting at a street fair.

She thought Cathy was a blast, and that Kelly was White Patsy.  Yeah.  She said that.

Between Kaya telling Holly to embrace her ethnicity and getting all up in Christi’s face again, I think Jeff may have regretted giving her that one last opportunity to let loose.  It was definitely good for ratings, but not so much for anyone who had to walk alone through the parking lot after taping was over.

Don’t axe me why he did that.  Really.  Don’t axe.

(And don’t get me started on that linguistic pet peeve.  Trust me.  You do NOT want my opinion on that one.)

We finished off with some low key, warm & fuzzy family time.

All the kids joined the Moms in a tight squeeze couch moment to relive the last two seasons and let us in on what their goals were for the future.  Even googly Vivi-Anne was there, though she basically just sat around wondering why no one had picked her up and carried her off set yet.

I swear that kid must sleep in sparkly eye liner.

All the girls got giggly stage fright when Fake Andy spun the cameras and the questions in their direction.  It was cute, and a reminder that they really are just kids who like to dance.

Maddie got all red faced when boys were brought up, and MackAttack almost swallowed her gum she was so shy.

Diva Nia had some monster Lion King hair going on that almost covered up Holly’s face, and I swear Chloe grew another inch during the last scene.  Check it out in slow mo.

Brooke and Paige are still in limbo for next year (…as if…) until Kelly decides their fate.

Kendall had a really smart answer to Jeff’s question regarding who she would love to dance with…dead or alive.  Michael Jackson.  Good call.  Mom was impressed.

Vivi-Anne…well…just Vivi-Anne.  It is what it is.

And then it was over.

No more Dance Moms for now.  And Dance Moms: Miami isn’t coming back.

I’m not sure I’m going to make it until the Pageant Moms return, because it hasn’t even been 12 hours and I’m already having Crazy Mom withdrawal.

I need my cray cray.

Don’t axe me why.  I just do.

 

 

I saw on Bravo TV that when you tilt your head back like this a guy pours a shot in your mouth.

 

 

 

 

One flick of my finger and you’ve got an acrylic nail and a Ninja Star in your artery, bitch.

 

 

 

 

 

Well, of course if I’d known they’d be shooting from this angle I would have combed the back of my hair. Absolutely.

 

 

 

 

Lawd. I feel it! I feel the Craziness all up in here! It’s speaking to me and my ladies! And it’s saying…LaQuifa Whaaat?

 

 

 

Hey. Professor. If you can get that chocolate in here from the other end of the couch, Nia gets a week of free privates.

 

 

 

 

Seriously. We’ve been Besties for like 100 years and I still have no f***ing clue what’s up with that hair. Not a clue.

 

 

 

Pardon me.  Andy Cohen?

Would you mind just scooting down a little bit?  Just a tiny snudge?

Jeff Collins needs that chair for a few hours if it’s ok.

This was the week it all happened.  Dance Moms officially got the Stamp of Approval from the Sisterhood of Reality Television Shows.

The Moms got a Reunion Special.

Two of them actually.  Part One and Part Two, which means they’ve finally made it into the Big Time and can now join the ranks of every Real Housewives Bitch Fest season ending spectacular that has gone before them.

Because that’s when you know you’ve made it, when you finally get a set of hot rollers and your own Reunion Show.

(Seriously…did you see Abby’s hair the first season?  Come on.  Money talks.)

Think New York.  Or the OC.  Or Atlanta, with less leg oil.

And if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  Just plop down two couches with a chair or two in the middle, print up a couple dozen Twitter question 3 x 5′s and let the hilarity ensue.

Playing the role of Andy Cohen this week we had the really nice and smiley Mr. Collins, who is basically the President, Executive Producer, Master Mind Genius and Mad Scientist of the production company responsible for the worldwide Dance Moms infestation.  His company has a few other good shows out there on the airwaves, but Dance Moms is what put them on the Pinterest map and I’ll bet good money he was kissing all those Crazies on the lips during the first commercial break.

He didn’t waste anytime getting right down to bidnezz with the Moms, after introducing the Woman of the Hour.  Abby Lee Miller, snuggled right up next to Jeff and what appeared to be a half empty candy dish, was ready to get this show on the road with the first video montage.

Wearing every piece of silver jewelry shown on the first 10 pages of the Pandora Fall 2012 catalog, Abby was definitely ready for her HD closeup because that Bitch was blingin’.  Weighed down with bracelets and wrist cuffs and a necklace big and dangly enough to deflect gunfire, as well as a Ninja Star ring that I swore was going to fly off and slit Jeff’s throat before the hour was over, Abby was in her element.

After a mash-up of clips highlighting the evolution of Abby’s stylish new Dance Judge hairdo, Jeff tossed the ball to the ladies.

Can I just say that Holly has some amazing posture before we even get to the good stuff?  Her spinal x-ray must look like a piece of Home Depot 2 by 4.

Now I don’t know if she was the only one propped up by pillows or what, but when you saw her sitting there so prim and principally proper it made the other Moms look like they were at a Frat party.

Don’t get me wrong.  Nobody else was slouching.  But kudos to Mrs. Frazier for showing the rest of us at home that it’s actually possible to be on a couch and not get Cheeto’s crumbs on your belly.  I was almost inspired to sit up.

Almost.

After a quick discussion on Abby’s message vs. Abby’s delivery of that message, Jeff moved on to the Most Outrageous Mom category, which Kelly won before I had even completely filled out my voting ballot.

Cue the Kelly Meltdown Montage.

Seriously.  I can’t imagine that finding those clips was much work.  I mean, really.  The guy in the editing booth could probably have just closed his eyes, spun around, randomly hit the pause button and landed on a Kelly Meltdown.

We love her.  She’s cray cray.  Almost the bad kind of cray cray…but just this side of the good kind of cray cray.  So we love her.

And Christi loves her.  Hearing Mr. Collins call Christi and Kelly “Besties” sounded a little odd, which was probably due to the fact that he’s a grown a** man using the word “Besties.”  I’m almost positive that word has a shelf life that expires before you reach your sophomore year in high school.

Dude.  Do NOT type “Besties” on your Blackberry.  Ever.

As a Bestie, I did however wonder why over the years Christi had never asked Kelly what the F*** was going on with that hair cut.  I mean, she’s got that one long piece that is probably supposed to be there, but I personally know two people who got kicked out of Beauty School for leaving a straggler like that behind someone’s ear.  Go figure.

Next they moved on to the Pyramid of Shame and why the whole process was even necessary, which smoothly segued into why Maddie was almost always at the top and the whole favoritism song and dance number.

After a quick video recap showing Abby tearing off about 72 cover sheets and revealing Maddie’s endearingly toothy grin, it was the same old conversation that the Moms had every week up in the MomPerch.  The only difference this time around was that we got to see Melissa‘s nervous foot twitch as everyone circled their prey.  It was the same twitch that happens under a desk when a kid is afraid that the teacher is going to call on them for an answer when they totally forgot to read the book the night before.

That twitch.

By the time they got to a discussion about Abby insisting Maddie bring in her trunk full of competition crowns to rub in the other girls’ faces on that fateful day, I thought Melissa was going to kick her stiletto right out of the camera shot.

Watching the flashback scene with all those crowns laid out on a table like an old drag queen’s estate sale made me realize that the first time around I had totally missed Diva Nia‘s OhNoSheDin’t face.

Girlfriend was all like Oh.  Hell.  No. with these crowns, bitch.

Love me some Nia.

Next, since there was a seemingly endless supply of Kelly Meltdown tapes, we got another montage.  This time with Abby as her evil nemesis.

We saw the infamous un-stoppered chair toss across the ALDC studio floor and the blurred out Kelly bird flip, and then the two of them went at it across the couch over the original 10pm request for rubber chair nips that started the whole fiasco.  Kelly tried to explain that she had made the decision to stay home that evening and introduce herself to that third kid who always seems to be there when she brings Paige and Brooke home from rehearsals instead of plugging ‘chair stoppers’ into her GPS.

As cray cray as Kelly is, I gotta stand with her on this one.  Personally, I would not even know where to begin looking for chair stoppers at 10pm on a weeknight.  I’m going to assume that all the rubber stopper stores are closed by 9pm, if not earlier.

And bottom line, how bad are your chairs…and how sad is your life…that you need to leave the house at 10pm for a rubber stopper run anyway?

Kelly has still not decided whether or not she will be returning next season.

Umm.  Yeah. Anyone want to place bets on that one?  I’m feeling pretty confident about going forward with my new line of Kelly’s Krazy: Season 3 tee shirts.  Especially after we relived the day when Kelly called Abby fat.  And a whore.  A fat whore.  And still managed to slurp down her Starbucks without skipping a beat.

She’s a keeper.  She ain’t going anywhere.

Somehow that all turned into a throw down over the competition when Maddie’s CD skipped and whether or not the whole thing had been pre-planned.

Kelly swore that Melissa knew in advance that it was going to happen, which in the world of The Dance automatically gives you First Place somehow.

First Place?  Like with a crown?  If that is really the deal, I can’t believe that every week somebody’s CD isn’t scratched.

Think about it.  If I could be guaranteed a first place trophy and a chance to snag some headgear off Maddie’s table, I would be in the park with a puppy tossing CD frisbees while everyone else was back at the studio doing hamstring stretches.  I’m no fool.

Kelly swore on her kids it was gospel.  Melissa swore on her Mother’s grave.  Abby swore the chocolate had nuts in it and tried another piece before Jeff took the whole bowl away and slapped her hand.

We then had a few minutes of Abby accusing Christi of using her daughter Chloe as her ticket out of the ghetto, since Mom had never had the opportunity to dance and be a star when she a youngster.  Christi got all Proud Mom face as she discussed Chloe and the rarely seen baby nugget known as Clara.  The little tyke was a cutie, with a head like a dandelion right before the wind blows all that fuzz in your eyes.

And speaking of ghetto…

The whole LaQuifa Whaaaat? issue was brought up again.

That’s the issue where Abby kept pushing Nia into ethnic roles and ethnic dances and ethnic outfits and ethnic afro wigs in a completely none-PC attempt to immerse her in the 1970′s sitcom roles that she felt Nia was destined to be offered out in the real world.

Well, not completely immersed I guess, because you know how LaQuifa hates to get her hair wet.

Oh snap.  Yeah.  It was that inappropriate.

Watching Holly get all non-ethnically ethnic is something I will never get tired of, trust me.  She not only yanked that afro pick out of Nia’ hair, but she pretty much whooped Miss Abby’s butt with it before tossing it out the sunroof of that family minivan with the “I’ve Got a Doctorate and U Don’t” bumper sticker.

Holly don’t play.

And then there was Jill.

The alleged studio hopper made her entrance, all sewn into a pretty tight dress that barely contained any of her Bump-Its, and slowly lowered herself on to the couch with the girls.

Flashback to the now classic cowboy hat/shoe toss in the makeup room, spliced together with that sloppy strip club scene where Jill chewed a $20 bill into hamster cage shavings after pulling it out of a guy’s banana hammock with her front teeth, and you pretty much just summed up Jill Vertes.

Even though she still hadn’t quite gotten her new hair style under control, Jill had no problem laying into Melissa for hiding her engagement to a married man, which in turn got all the Moms going on Mystery Greg‘s Cease and Desist lawyer letter.

Friends don’t sue Friends, mmmkay?

It was a touchy subject and immediately got everyone worked up.  As Melissa did her best Talk to the Hand defensive blocking, it got pretty heated somewhere during the conversation.  But honestly, after somebody reminded us all that Melissa is “cleanly shaved down there” nothing else really mattered except stopping my eyes and ears from bleeding.

Hoping for another Kardashian Moment, Jeff asked Melissa if he could sneak in a camcorder or two during her upcoming nuptuals and almost blacked out when she didn’t immediately say No.  She didn’t say Yes..but at least she didn’t say No.

Part One finished off with the arrival of Chaos Cathy Nesbitt and her not so sugary Candy Apples attitude.

It wasn’t quite NeNe‘s ATL, but Cathy and Christi together still made for some fun television.  Especially when we got to see some never before seen footage of Cathy tossing water at Christi on the sidewalk like a true Real Housewife bitch.

Dance Moms getting down and dirty on the streets?  Sign me up.

Full disclosure: Not going to lie.  I was secretly rooting for somebody to pull on someone’s wig like Sheree Whitfield and Kim Zolciak‘s classic street brawl, but no such luck.  Don’t get me wrong, and don’t judge.  I don’t condone violence, though I do condone hair pulling and face slapping if justified for the storyline or ratings.

You have to draw the line somewhere.

And like any good Housewife Reunion, the really good stuff is in Part Two.

Cathy barely got her engine revved this time around, so according to the previews, next week should be a classic.

And hold up.  Was that sassy Kaya they just showed getting all Miss Thang up in everyone’s face next time?  She’s back?!

Girrrrl, pleez.

I don’t know how Andy Cohen does it.  I’m exhausted.

 

 

This is Abby, your Captain speaking. Please turn off your cell phones because this s*** is about to get real.

 

 

 

 

I can count on one hand how many times I’ve been to Walmart today.

 

 

 

 

I can count on one finger how many times I’m gonna do my hair like this again. WTF?

 

 

 

 

Do I remember the Class of 1985? Girl…Seriously? I don’t even remember what shoes I put on this morning.

 

 

 

 

Oh. Hell. No. The bus driver told me this was Bravo TV. I can already tell these bitches are Cray Cray.

 

 

 

Overture, Curtain, Lights.

This is it…the Night of Nights.

…On with the Show, this is It!

Before we proceed with this week’s Dance Moms hilarity, you need to Google youtube and the musical opening number for the classic Warner Brothers Bugs Bunny Show.

Then you need to find someone who knows Photoshop and have them cut & paste the faces of Abby Lee Miller, Holly, Kelly, Christi, Melissa, Jill, Cathy and bat s*** crazy Leslie over the bodies of all the cartoon characters.

And then you need to watch it again until milk shoots out your nose, because that pretty much sums out how it all went down this week during the 2012 ALDC Concert.

Which was really a recital.  But I didn’t ask why Abby kept calling it a concert.  Maybe because it had music.  I dunno.  By now, we all know I don’t make the rules.

But, whatever.  It was the annual ALDC tribute to…well…ALDC, and a chance for anyone in Pittsburgh without basic cable to buy a Xeroxed paper ticket and watch every dance number that the rest of us had already seen on Lifetime.

As Abby explained it before the Pyramid of Shame was revealed, every dance aficionado in Pittsburgh would be in attendance, which would explain the four folding chairs set up around a card table at the front of the stage.  Count ‘em.  Every one.

Not that I would recognize an aficionado if I stepped on one, but the way she went on and on about it before rehearsals began I expected at least two of the So You Think You Can Dance judges to show up.  But nada, unless the aficionados were incognito or something.

Regardless, even the Concert of all Recitals had to wait until the Pyramid was unveiled.

Rules are rules, people, whether I make them or not.

Still hanging tight at the bottom were Paige and that big, clunky boot.  Turns out that breaking your foot when you’re on a show about dancing doesn’t really open up much opportunity for advancement.  Climbing stairs and pyramids are just way too much work nowadays, so Paige was content to lean on her pirate leg and let the other girls fight it out for top honors.

Fallen Angel Maddie was also on the bottom row because last week she had refused to learn a new number in under 42 minutes and then retain it long enough to go head to head with those scruffy boys from Candy Apples.

She told Abby NO.  And people don’t tell Abby NO.  Nobody tells Abby NO.

Proof of that fact can be found not only in the crumbled dust of broken young dancer souls that Abby keeps in a mantel urn, but also in the increasing number of Pennsylvania All-U-Can-Eat Country Buffets now filing for bankruptcy.

Whaddayamean I can’t have any more ribs?

Third spot in the basement went to Chloe, because she had ruined any chance at a Starbound clean sweep when she lost by 1/10th of a point.  Which had to suck.  I would rather lose by a bazillion points and then fall off the stage head first than lose by 1/10th.

I hugged my television.  Poor peanut.

Second row went to Brooke and Mackenzie.

Brooke took some heat for last week’s Children of the Corn dance when she was supposed to tie a bonnet on Maddie’s head at a Star Trek warp speed of mach 8, and she nervously fumbled the ball a little.

Cut her some slack, lady.  I’m pretty sure that Amish people are in no hurry when it comes to putting their bonnets on.  It’s not like they’ve got anywhere to go…the cabinet shop will still be there no matter how long it takes to strap on their head gear.

But you know Abby.

MacAttack beat 2 boys and her front teeth were coming in nicely, so it was all good.

Top spot for the second week went to Miss Sasha Nia, cuz that’s how we roll, bitches.

But before Nia could even bust out a celebratory Death Drop, Real Housewife of Pittsburgh Jill got all up in Abby’s grill about Kendall once again not being scotch taped to the mirror.

Kendall deserved it.  Kendall deserved this.  Kendall deserved that.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m a big supporter of parents who cowboy up for their kids.  But Jill is the kind of Stage Mom who would show up unannounced at the U.N. and shut down half of New York City under a suspected terrorist threat as she melts down over Kendall not being able to perform with those multi-national kids who are always in the Radio City Christmas Show.

Somebody needs to spend a little more time figuring out her new hairdo and a little less time making her daughter cry on national TV.  Just saying.

The new number for the recital was a hip hop bootay poppin’ thang.  Please pause here and Google a group photo of these little ALDC dancer girls.  I’ll wait.

Got it?  Yeah.  I can pretty much guarantee you that this is the only time you will ever see the words Gangsta and Chloe in the same sentence.  If you really need to go, you basically already figured out how that one was gonna work out.  Thanks for stopping by.

Paige had previously been told by her doctor to not dance for 4 weeks, but since she seemed to be able to stay upright on her own, Abby wanted her to participate in the hip hop routine.

Never having broken my toe in a backward handspring on cement flooring, I can’t really verify any assumptions, but I’m thinking that on a tiny girl like Paige, that gigantic boot probably works much like one of those sand-filled deck umbrella stands.  Girl ain’t toppling over in a wind storm if you know what I mean, but thinking that she could pop and lock and grind and stomp on stage may have been a little premature.

The next day, as Jill arrived at the studio, she was intercepted by NutWad Ninja Leslie who literally came out of nowhere and pounced on Jill with a bucket load of crazy.

Seriously.  Where did Leslie come from?  I swear she dropped out of the trees like that monkey did in James Franco‘s Planet of the Apes movie (…which was sooo not how the Apes really came to rule Earth, thank you…) because as soon as Jill hauled her junk out of the car, Leslie was right there in front of her babbling gossip.

It’s no wonder Leslie makes such a great Walmart greeter, because you can’t walk by her without getting an ear full.  She went on and on about loyalty and backstabbing and warnings and something about Melissa not having enough Milky Way bars for Halloween and having to take Leslie with her to CVS and then driving past CVS and taking Leslie to meet her Secret Lover and his enormous big package…of bank checks.

And Leslie talked just like that, but with fewer punctuation marks.  I swear.

Finally Jill bolted inside and Leslie scurried back up the tree with her Walmart bananas.

Only 65 cents a pound.  In a smiley face bag.

Quick change of scenery to Cow Country and the Evil Dance Lair, better known to the locals as Candy Apple’s Dance Center, where we found Chaos Cathy mulling over an envelope of ALDC tickets that had mysteriously been delivered to her studio.  Should she attend? Mmmuuuahahahaha.

A bigger mystery should have been why Candy Apple’s felt they needed that security camera set up that was above Cathy’s messy desk.  Did you catch that?

It was one of those split screen television monitors you see at convenience stores and nuclear plants.  Or like they hang at Burger King over the fries to track how long it takes them to get one lousy freakin’ Single Stack in the bag.

Is there a whole black market out there I’m not aware of that specializes in stolen tap shoes and jazz canes?  I’m checking ebay tomorrow.

If I don’t find anything, I’m going to assume it’s to protect all that valuable beef jerky next door.  Or maybe it’s just Cathy monitoring Canton’s Jerky King.

Because you know…nobody jerks it like the King.  I saw it on TV.  Cathy might want to keep an eye on that one.  Just a suggestion.

Since the teeny bop hip hop number was not going so well, Abby whistled for Amazonian Payton to join the group and show the little white girls how a big, tall white girl gets it done.  Taking a cue from her Mom, Payton also apparently dropped right out of a nearby tree because she was there before Abby even finished calling her name, and immediately started doing the Sprinkler, Windshield Wiper and what I assumed was her awkward version of the Dougie.

Hollah Back, Girl.   And duck when you go through the door.  Word to yo’ Crazy Mother.

Next it was time for the Tech Rehearsals.  Abby was up in the light booth like some exhausted air traffic controller, trying to keep her headset from falling off into her pudding while she screamed at everyone within her orbit.

Since Leslie and Kelly cannot breath the same oxygen without breaking out into an argument, they were chewing at each other’s face the entire time they were down in front of the stage.

Screaming.  Yelling.  Bleeping.  The usual.

When Leslie made the sweaty hike all the way up the auditorium into the booth to insist Abby change the dance lineup to give Payton more time to change costumes, the coffee really started to percolate.  After blasting Leslie for her smart a** mouth, Abby made a new Clubhouse Rule:  NO parents allowed!

She even had one of the hired help boys scribble out a treehouse sign on what I assumed was unused homework binder paper which the girls should have been using for their book reports.  But you can’t chest pump and worry about Catcher in the Rye at the same time, so the dude swiped a sheet and taped it up on the door like you would if you wanted to keep Girl Cooties away from your pillow fort.

Klassy.  With a K.

After way too much jammin’ and gettin’ down on it, Paige’s one remaining good foot finally realized it couldn’t do all the heavy lifting alone, which caused her to overdo it on the bad one.  It didn’t take a medical degree to figure out she needed to take a chill pill.

It also didn’t take a psych degree to know that Leslie would be all over that one, since her motto has always been “Suck It Up.”

Screaming.  Yelling.  Bleeping.  The usual.  Again.

This time, though, Kelly snatched up her two kids and headed out of Dodge, vowing to never come back.  With Brooke looking out the window like those kidnap victims do when they try to blink SOS in code to a gas station attendant, Mom layed a patch and was gone.

Then in a strange spliced in snippet, all the Moms suddenly hit the Club to unwind after their hard week.  And apparently, when Dance Moms need to unwind, they hit the Gay Club because I only saw two girls in the whole joint, and I think one of them works at Jiffy Lube.  All the other club kids were boys trying to kiss Christi.

Jill even did a body shot off the 12 pack of that guy on the Abercrombie shopping bag, which was wrong on so many levels.

After witnessing…and processing…all of that, my vision returned and the Show of all Shows actually kind of paled in comparison.

Kelly showed up with the kids.  No big surprise.

The Candy Apple’s Brigade showed up, looking like a bad catalog photo from some local store specializing in Mother of the Bride dresses.  What the F*** were they all wearing?  Get out of Ohio much, girls?

Jill was spread out all over her chair in a really…really…yellow dress, still apparently feeling the residual after effects of gnawing on too much Abercrombie ab.  She did manage to find the strength to present Abby with two dozen kiss up roses, to go along with the previously sucked up lobby bench and cologne gift sets.  Jill does like to get her bribe on whenever possible.

After the curtain call where Maddie and Nia were presented with dance scholarships and Brooke and Mackenzie wandered around in Toddlers & Tiaras, everyone headed outside for a few cocktails and photo ops.

Lucky for us, Andy Cohen just happened to be driving through town and shoved a potential new Dance Mom and her kid out the passenger side of his Reality TV Escalade and then squealed off into the night before they even hit the sidewalk.

Kaya and Nicaya have arrived.

Girrrl, pleez.  Not only the best new Girl Group name ever, but more than likely the best new OhNoSheDin’t Mom & Daughter act to hit Lifetime in a Longtime.

MmmHmm.  I feel some sassy coming on.

Oh, snap.

And another snap.